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- You got anything particular in mind,

a sedan a wagon?

We got some that just came in this morning, over here.

- Honey, I don't think we can afford this.

- We can finance anybody.

- These aren't the numbers that we talked about.

I would like to see the invoice.

- Why?

It doesn't matter what we paid for the car,

what matters is what you pay.

Now, what's the closest you'll come to this number?

Lance, you're killing me, I won't make a dime on that.

- Why can't I see the invoice?

- What do you have, some kind of invoice fetish?

- I know it's in that drawer over there.

- It's not in that drawer over there.

- If I can see the invoice, I just feel like then I would

know what's going on.

You know, but I don't know.

- What color is this asshole?

- Don't start that shit,

will you just give me a pencil on this?

He wants to see the invoice.

- Tell him the inVoice is in the safe,

at the regional headquarters.

- This is higher than my first debt.

- This, did you look at this?

- Yeah, these things are expensive,

you got this kind of money?

- I wanna talk to the owner.

- You don't want to talk to him, he's a fucking asshole.

I'll be honest with you, Lance.

I went too high, you went too low.

What do you say we meet somewhere in the middle?

- I know math, that is nowhere near the middle.

- I didn't say exactly the middle.

- Who do you keep going and talk to?

- My boss.

- Can I talk to him?

- No.

- The monthly payment, it seems high.

- You write down a number that will make you happy,

I want to make you happy.

I want you to come back three years from now

and buy another car.

- That's how much I can pay every month,

I mean, that would make me happy.

- Did you bump your head?

What's the closest you'll come to this number?

- You keep asking me that

and I keep telling you higher numbers,

but then your number doesn't get lower.

- Exactly.

- I thought we were negotiating, but you're not. It does...

I feel like I'm negotiating, but you're not negotiating.

Could I please go home now?

- You know what, Lance,

I don't even feel like you're a customer anymore,

I feel like you're a friend now.

- Me too.

- Not bad.

- Fucking right.

- Now go tell him the floor mats are an extra $100.

- Those are standard!

- He doesn't know that.

- You want to blow this fucking deal over floor mats?

This guy's grinding me for two fucking hours,

I get him to sign, you gotta be shitting me!

- Do it.

You weak suck, you gave away the floor mats.

- I'm not going to blow the guy out over floor mats,

it was a deal breaker.

- Bullshit, that pussy was hooked.

Get out of my sight, you're fired.

- That was a home run, $2000 over sticker.

You can't fire me.

- You want to bet your commission?

- Fuck you, you bald prick!

Remember last year's company picnic, I fucked your wife.

- Ex-wife.

- In your car.

- You cocksucking, motherfucking, guinea asshole!

You half-baked, shitbag, wop fucker!

- Let's get started.

Okay, Everybody stand up.

Come on, stand up.

Put one hand in the air as high as you can,

reach way up.

Eddie, get the fuck out of that chair.

- I've heard this shit.

- I don't give a fuck, these meetings are for everybody.

Reach you old prick!

Where the fuck is Sean, keep reaching.

Do you like your job?

Scared the shit out of that white boy.

Watch, he'll be here in four minutes.

How long do you say, Eddie?

- Six. - We'll, bet for lunch.

Okay, come on everybody.

Keep reaching, little bit higher, come on!

Now, are you all reaching as high as you can?

- Yeah.

- Okay, I want everybody to try real hard

and reach just a little bit higher!

Come on!

Bobby, you weak suck, reach!

Higher!

Okay, great.

Now, you see guys, the way when you thought

you couldn't do any better,

you couldn't reach just a little bit higher.

If we all try just a little bit more,

we can sell 50 cars this weekend,

- Yeah.

- Are we all going to try?

- Yeah!

- All right, sit down.

Shamim, what are we?

- Whores.

- That's right.

We are fucking whores.

And we fuck, and we suck, better than anybody else

and they are gonna pay us top dollar

'cause we are the best.

- Yeah!

- You don't believe that, get the fuck outta here.

Because you're wasting your time,

you're wasting my time too.

My grandmother, the bitch is blind,

she can sell a car to somebody who comes in and says,

"Give me that one."

All right.

Bobby, why are we here?

Bobby, why are we here?

- Why won't you come down to the dealership?

Reggie said, he can give you a job.

We need to eat.

- I'm trying to.

- What do I have to do to explain to you that we are broke?

- Bobby, why are we here?

- Why are we here?

- Why are you here, Deluca?

- To make money?

- Right!

Lots of money.

You want to make minimum wage, get the fuck outta here.

Eddie, you owe me lunch

- Okay everybody, when Sean comes in,

I want everybody to say, fuck you, Sean, Ready?

One, two, three.

- Fuck you Sean!

- All right, shut up.

Marco, when does the salesman's job start?

- 8:00 AM, Saturday boss.

- No, you piece of shit!

- Kiss ass.

- The salesman's job starts when the customer says, no.

Would you like to take this baby home today, sir?

- I don't know, I don't think so.

- Why?

- I have to check with my wife first.

- Why?

I don't have to check with my wife before I sell it.

Why, why, why, why?

No matter what they say, you ask why?

Who's going to be driving this car the most?

- Me.

- You?

And the wife makes you check with her first.

- She doesn't make me.

- I understand, you don't want to get in trouble.

Come back after you get permission,

you can take a test drive.

- I don't need permission.

- Let's go.

Make them drive the car, make them touch it, feel it,

smell it, get them excited.

When they're excited, they pay more.

What are you doing here so late?

- We need the money.

- Didn't your hubby find a job?

- Nope, you have to be looking for a job

in order to find one.

- How about the insurance, didn't you collect on that?

- My brilliant husband didn't have coverage on the truck,

it was a total loss.

- When a customer makes you an offer, you say,

sir, if I could sell you this $32,000 car for $10,000,

would you take it?

When?

Right now. - Right now.

- If he says, yes, you say, follow me.

You turn around, you go straight into the office.

Don't turn back around, because they'll stop.

They're like dogs, if a dog is following you,

and you stop and turn around, what do they do?

They stop, don't fucking stop!

- Mr. DeLuca, this is Thomas Rollings

with Preferred Bank, I've left, and I'm keeping track,

I've left 13 messages.

Isn't it time-

- You know, I remember the good old days when it was safe

to answer my own phone.

- I remember when I could have a conversation with my wife

without her breaking my balls.

- You know what I can't remember,

the last time my husband brought home a paycheck.

- You know what your problem is,

you want me to take the first job that comes along,

but I don't want a job, I want a career.

There's a difference.

You don't get rich working for somebody else, Donna.

I know things are tight for us right now,

but when the right opportunity comes along,

I will work my ass off to get us out of this hole,

you know that.

My family is the most important thing in the world to me.

- Good, because it's about to get bigger.

- Don't even joke about shit like that.

- Who's joking?

- You are!

You're just saying that,

'cause you know, if you were pregnant,

I would have to get a job, any job.

- Do you actually believe that I would do that?

Has your brain just completely rotted to shit?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

- I'm sorry.

- No, no, don't!

Bobby, don't.

I would like to stab you in the neck right now,

you are such an asshole.

You don't have to stab in the neck I know I'm an asshole,

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I didn't know, I'm sorry.

I promise you, everything will work out fine.

- What are we going to do?

- I guess we're going to sell some cars.

- Really?

- Why not.

- So now, you've got the customer in your office, the box.

He's all excited, he thinks he's going to get

a top of the line, limited edition for $10,000.

Now you tear his fucking head off. On the trade in,

let's say his car is worth $20,000,

you go back and you say, sir, I have great news,

your car could be worth as much as $7,000.

Don't be afraid of these assholes, they don't know!

You're a pro, you do this every day.

Why would I buy a car from you?

- Because...you love me,

I'm a nice guy, I'm funny.

- Yeah?

I like that, make me laugh you got a job.

- What's the best part of a blowjob once you're married?

- I don't know. What?

- The five minutes of silence.

- Are you idiots paying attention!

A baby could understand this.

You write the sticker price here in small numbers

to show that's a small number.

One third of that is your down payment.

Three times the first two numbers of the purchase price

is about what the payments per month will be.

With these numbers, you got room everywhere.

Sir, if I can get you a $7,000 for your car

and you put $11,000 down,

and I get your payments to only $990 a month,

we'd have a deal right now, right?

Then shut the fuck up.

The first one to speak, loses.

- Are you crazy?

- No matter what the customer says,

you go right to the trade, always in control.

Sir, what if I can get you $7,100 for your car,

then we'd have a deal, right?

How about 7,200?

Always nod, yes.

Keep nodding, all of a sudden the asshole starts to nod.

Sir, did you know you are getting fucked?

Yes, I know Reggie.

Does it feel good?

Yes, it does Reggie.

Fuck these people up the ass, they love it!

The next day when they come out of the ether.

- What the fuck did I do?

What the fuck did I do?

- Honey, are you in there?

- I'm taking a shower.

- And they don't want to admit they got fucked,

so they bring their friends to you.

Go ahead, give them the same deal.

Go ahead, fuck him too.

These assholes will bring you more customers.

- How much money do you have? - About $10.

Hey guys, how's it going?

- Hey, where you been, man?

- Yeah, you could have called.

- Yeah, I know, I'm really sorry about it.

I've been so busy, you know?

- How's the trucking business, partner?

- It's fine,

but listen, I've got some other things going on

that I think you guys are really going to love.

- All we'd love is for you to make your payments on time,

and according to my sundial, you're late, Nixon.

- Well, that's why I'm here,

I, uh, I need a little bit of an extension.

Wait a minute, don't get me wrong here.

I mean, things are going great,

they're definitely getting better.

- Yeah, I bet they are.

- They are, check out the new ride.

- Very nice.

- Why should we give you an extension?

- So I can close a few deals,

a little breathing room, that's all.

And I guarantee you, by the end of this month,

I can be totally up to date.

Come on guys, is that cool?

- When he says yes to the trade,

go right to the down payment.

Is that $11,000 down payment going to be cash or check?

You can't?

Well, what if I can get them to go to $10,900?

Then we'd have a deal, right?

No?

Cross it out, big X.

How about $10,800, then we'd have a deal, right?

No?

Big X.

Sir, normally the banks require one-third,

but if I can get them to take $10,750,

then we'd have a deal, right?

No?

Sir, what would it take to make a deal right now?

- $5,000?

- Okay, $5,000 now, and when will you bring us

the other $6,000?

- What do you mean?

- Oh, you mean, only $5000?

Well then your payment's gonna go up.

You're always in control, go back to the trade.

If I can get you $7,250 for your trade,

you write me a check for $5,000

and I keep you payments down to $990 a month,

we'd have a deal right now, right?

- No, the payment's too high.

- Well, let me ask you how to this figure $990 can you come?

- Maybe $400, $500.

- $500?

That's low.

I've never seen a deal go down like this before,

but if I could do that for you,

would we have a deal, right now?

Okay.

Sign here.

I'm going to try for you, but my boss is going to kill me.

Then you say, wish me luck.

The guy's shitting in his pants, he's fucking shaking.

- I hope he can get it.

- So you bump this guy up thousands of dollars,

then you come in and you get your closer.

We have these stars here for a reason, they are the best.

But you have to do your job before they can do theirs.

You sell the car, not them, they close the deal.

When you pick up a girl, you don't take off all her clothes,

get her into bed and then call your friend, Tom and say,

"Okay, Tom, she's ready now, you can fuck her."

No, no. You're fucking the bitch, the closer comes in,

he puts his foot on your ass and pushes you in deeper!

You have to sell the car, you have to get a commitment.

Then one of my stars goes in, switches the guy to a lease

and buries the motherfucker.

We are the best!

- Yeah!

- We make more money than anybody.

- Yeah!

- We are fucking high gross!

- Yeah!

And this is going to be our biggest month ever.

And to sweeten the pot,

a $10,000 bonus to the top man.

That's right, a 10 pounder to the pro.

Now next month, we've got all new inventory.

So get rid of those fucking sleds out there.

Come on, let's go kick some ass!

All right!

- Parts department, please call the operator.

Parts department, call the operator.

Buddy Morra, to the service department.

Please. Your car is ready. Again.

- What?

- He doesn't speak a word of Spanish, can you believe it?

A Mexican from LA.

- Coming in, car right there!

- Nice call, man.

That's the owner, you think you can sell him a car.

Eddie, please dial the operator,

Eddie, dial the operator.

- Don't ever talk to Mr. Carlton. He doesn't like it.

You'll get fired.

Reggie, please see Mr. Carlton.

Reggie, see Mr. Carlton right now.

- What the fuck are you doing?

- You put it closer, closer,

and you see how much pain you can stand.

- You are sick.

Let's see how much pain a cute tip can stand.

- Fuck you.

Sales, line one-

- Good afternoon, South Side Motors.

Sure we do, come on down. And ask for JJ, okay?

That's spelled J-J.

Yeah, okay.

Well, I'll see you soon. Bye bye.

Hey Mo.

Mo. You ever catch a ladybug

and melt the wings off?

Then you pull all the legs off one side

and watch it run around in circles.

- You must be very sick to get pleasure

from killing something.

- No, no, no, no, you don't kill it.

Aren't you gonna ask why you don't kill it?

because then it'll rain.

Randall, dial 6-4, please.

- You fucking Israelis don't know shit,

you people worship fucking cows.

What the fuck is that?

- Get the fuck out of that chair, you motherfucker!

- Relax, cue tip, before I pull one of your legs off.

- Back off JJ, take it easy, Mo.

- This is sub-human doesn't know the difference

between Israel and Afghanistan.

- You're all just sand niggers to me anyway.

- Fucking nut, we're on the same team, moron.

Fuck!

- Are you crazy?

You never mess with a fucking Afghan commando.

- Fuck that skinny nigga, I'll swat his ass.

- I don't think so, guy's a trained killer,

he'll kill you in the blink of an eye.

- My money's on JJ, he was trained in Watts.

- I know that's right.

How much? $500?

- Punk ass nigga.

- Sales, line three please?

- Good afternoon, Southside

- Coming in. - Coming in.

Damn!

Shit, you prick.

- I saw it first.

- Hi, I'm Marco.

- Oh, I forgot my purse.

- Look at her.

She knows we're watching.

- I'm Marco, welcome to Southside.

- Nice to meet you, Marco.

I'm looking for something to get around in,

something sporty.

- Oh mommy

Cheryl Stanley to service department.

- What do you think of this new guy on your team?

- I think he's going to help me kick your ass this month,

that's what I think.

- Bull shit. $20 says he goes blank for the weekend.

- $50 says he sells a car today white bread.

Come on, Bubba, put up or shut up.

- I'm good for it.

- Yeah, and my dick tastes like strawberries.

You good for it. Put up your money.

- Here you go, ma'am.

- No, you drive, I hate to drive.

Reggie, please dial the operator.

- Don't take your eyes off that entrance,

you see your car, you scream, coming in.

- Where? - Up your ass, Sean.

Yell as loud as you can.

- Coming in!

I got it.

- Your ass you got it, he beat you by a mile.

- Fuck you, Eddie. That's Sean's up.

Get a commitment, I'll bury the maggot.

Go!

- What the hell was that?

- What the hell did it look like, buddy?

You getting it in the booty Judy.

- That's not fucking fair man.

- Fuck all y'all, how about that?

Go on, boy.

- Hey, how you doing today?

- Hi.

- Welcome to Southside.

Can I help you with anything?

- Well, we just wanted to look.

- That's great, what can I help you look at?

- You know what, we're really just looking right now.

- Okay, but I tell you what, if you need any help,

I'll be right over here, okay?

Okay.

Welcome to South Side,

My name is Shamim.

- I already have a salesman, I spoke to Sean.

- Oh.

- Would you like to drive now?

- No, I'm fine.

Go up there.

- I think you'll like this model.

- I better like it, you big fuckin' carrot.

Roscoe Topanga, your car is ready,

please pick up your car, sir.

- What are you doing?

Why aren't you with the customers?

- They said they were just looking.

- Get the keys to that car and get out there

and drive them.

- It's only the first one they've looked at.

- Get out there and drive them, now.

- Keys in here?

- I used to know kids like you in school.

Used to hold them by the legs

and clean the toilets with their fucking heads.

- That's brilliant.

- You probably did your homework before supper, huh?

- Can we just get to the garage, please?

- You're gonna get to the garage.

You'll get to the garage, just shut the fuck up.

- I wonder if the airbag is standard.

- It better be at this price.

- Hey, this is a great car. Really.

Let's go for a drive.

- No thanks, we don't want to waste your time.

- No, that's all right.

I have nothing better to do.

Listen, you don't have to buy the car.

I mean, come on, let's go for a little drive.

It might help you decide, you don't want the car.

Come on.

- All right.

- Pull up here and park.

Isn't this great?

- Yeah.

- What are you doing?

- I don't know what you're doing,

but I know what I'm doing.

Relax, honey.

I've been dreaming about doing this,

since my daddy bought me my first car.

- Oh yeah, wasn't that great, huh?

Thank you.

- So Bobby, uh, what kind of deal can we get on this?

- I don't know,

but I could find out.

Follow me.

Hey, okay.

Why don't the two of you come into my office,

take a seat and I'll be back in just a little bit, okay?

Please.

Eddie,

I think I got a deal.

- Take a credit out, worksheet.

It was great, I mean, I said follow me, they did.

Fucking amazing, you know?

- Eddie, take the customers.

- He's fine.

- Eddie, work the fucking deal.

- There's no deal, he hasn't even done a worksheet yet.

- You fill it out, ask them the questions.

- Go high on payment, high on down payment, low on trade.

- I don't know if they have a trade.

- Then go real low.

- Okay.

- You're an asshole.

- He's got to learn.

- If he loses that deal, you are fired you lazy fuck.

- How much?

- 10 bucks.

- If you'll come inside sir, we can work out the numbers.

- Well, why don't you go inside

and get your boss's best price

and then come out here and tell me what it is.

- Well, it doesn't work that way, sir.

You see, I need you to come inside and fill out the papers

or they will not believe you're serious.

- I'm serious, but I'm not coming inside.

- Are you going to buy this car, ma'am?

- I'll buy it, baby, keep going.

- You promise? - Yes.

- You'll buy it today? - Yes.

- Okay, do you have a trade in?

- No.

- Good.

All right.

Now, this is how much your car costs,

so your payments will be...

I don't know, what do you think they should be?

- Well, we're not paying that much for the car, right?

- No, no, no, I'll get you a good deal, don't worry.

But, what are you going to put down?

- What do we have to put down.

- A lot?

I'll be right back.

- This guy has no idea what he's doing.

- So maybe we'll get a better deal. I like him.

He's not a salesman.

- Did you wack this shit?

- No.

- Yes you did, man.

It's okay, because that's how I started.

And that's how everybody fucking starts.

But I'm gonna tell you this 'cause I like you,

Stay out of the fucking product.

- Okay.

- What do you weigh these days, Sean?

- What?

- How much you weigh, man?

- I don't know, I guess about 160.

- Good, step on that.

Atta boy.

- This is the sticker price.

- If you cannot come inside, sir,

this is the best we can do.

- Maybe you don't comprende, Snowflake.

I will buy this car, but I refuse come inside.

I'll be waiting,

right here.

- We have to stop at the bank so I can get my money.

- Oh, okay.

Hey!

Where are you going?

- You were great, honey.

- Fuck!

- I'll throw you an extra $50 if you make this deal.

The guy's a lay down, I know it.

- I don't give a shit,

I'm not talking to this asshole anymore.

- You know why he won't come inside?

Beause he's afraid, Mo.

He's afraid of you. He's afraid of me.

He's afraid of every fucking thing here.

He's afraid of the fucking porters, who wash the cars.

- I'm done talking to this piece of shit.

This has no respect.

- You don't want his respect, you want his money.

You can't buy shit with respect.

How many of these jerks come in here screaming,

I'm not buying anything today, I'm just looking.

You think they're talking to you?

No, they're talking to themselves.

They've been fucked so many times,

they finally realized, they're easy.

Go bury this fuck.

- No, fuck him. I take another up.

Give it to someone else.

- I'll give you an extra $100 you close this deal.

- $150.

- Don't push your luck,

- Three porters to the showroom please,

three porters to the showroom.

- Show him this.

- Eddie, they're going to shit when they see this.

- Just show it to them.

- But they think that I'm--

- If you don't show it to them I'm gonna tell JJ

what you said about his mother.

- I didn't say anything.

- Will you get the fuck over there

and show them the numbers?

- I thought you liked us, Bob.

- Let's just sit here for a little while,

then I'll go back inside and get you guys a discount, okay?

You like Vietnamese food?

- Have a seat, my friend.

I'm almost done with the figures

we have worked up for you.

Javier, please dial 55, 55, please.

- What the hell is this?

- Your payments.

- Oh, this looks a little high.

- If you cannot afford this car, thank you for stopping by.

- No, wait, wait.

It's not that I can't afford it,

well, I mean, can't I get a better deal?

- No, you have to go somewhere else for a better deal.

- Are you kidding?

These are harder to find than tits on a catfish.

Especially in this color.

- I know, that's too bad.

There was one other place

you could have gotten a better deal.

- Where?

- Inside.

- The 1.6 liter is $9,700, but that's wholesale,

the retail is $12,100.

- Reggie, the guy says he'll take it

if we give him a full-size spare.

- Tell him they're $300, we'll do it for $150.

- Okay.

- What happened?

- Nothing, the guy was a total roach, there's no deal.

- Then get the fuck back out on the little line.

- He said it's too much.

- Eddie, go talk to these fucking mooches.

- No, I think I can do it, it's just a little too high.

- What are they saying?

- Eddie, right now!

- Introduce me. Don't say a word.

- Hey folks, this is my manager, Eddie.

Eddie, Mr. And Mrs. Lennox.

- Hello, pleasure to meet you.

Beautiful dress.

- Thank you.

So, you folks would like to take this car home today, huh?

- No, uh, we told Bobby we were just looking.

- Well, let me ask you a couple of questions.

- Do you like the car?

- Well-- - Yes we do.

- Then what's stopping you from taking it home today?

- The price.

- No, we haven't looked around very much.

- If the price was right, would you take it home today?

- Yes.

- No, actually we want to look around a little more.

- Okay, well let me see what I can do.

Customer Jack Johnson

we found your yellow jacket.

Customer Jack Johnson we found your yellow jacket.

- Would you get back in there and talk to your customers.

- What are you doing?

- I like the car, I want it.

- Yeah, but you don't tell him that.

- I think they got mad at me.

- You're doing a good job, honey, just get us a good deal.

- Eddie's a good guy, he'll get you a good deal.

- You're gonna owe me $10 in about five minutes.

- Not if he doesn't close the deal.

Keep them in order.

- She had a knife, what could I do?

They won't believe that.

She drugged me.

There was a gang of bikers.

Call the cops, they kidnapped the lady.

- All right, here we go.

Now, on a four-year purchase, this is your down payment.

And your payment of 48 months is this right here.

- Yeah, but what are we actually paying for the car?

- Do you have your original worksheet?

- Right here.

- These numbers reflect the sticker price of the car,

as you can see, these new ones are a lot lower.

Money can only come from one place.

- I don't know, it's still a little more

than we were planning on.

- Have you considered leasing?

Well, this is what a four year lease looks like

for the same vehicle.

- Oh, now that's more like it.

- No, that's still a little too high.

- Well, that's the best I can do.

I'll tell you what, let me talk to my boss, okay?

You folks excuse us a minute?

Bobby, come with me.

- I want this car and that's only $30 a month more

than we thought we could spend.

- Will you stop?

I know what I'm doing.

- There's no deal.

The wife wants it. Husband's got to pay for it.

He's gonna grind me, this guy.

- You owe me ten bucks, you weak suck.

- Me, I'm a weak suck?

It's his deal.

- You trained him.

- Yeah, and I trained him good too.

- Then how come there's no deal.

- Another $10, you close the deal, we're even.

- How about $25 he closes the deal himself?

- Fuck you, Eddie, I don't want to lose this deal.

- $50 bucks?

How much?

- Okay, a C note. But only if he closes the deal.

- $100 if he closes it, plus the original ten.

- Done.

- Show him this, shake his hand, the car is sold.

- You didn't show him the counter.

- That was better than pussy.

- What the hell are you laughing at, green pea?

- Closed JJ's lay down.

All cash deal.

- Maybe if I disappear for a week

I can say I was kidnapped.

- Hello, Mrs. Deluca.

Did you happen to know that you are married

to a very talented salesman?

- You sold a car?

- I sold a car.

- Honey, that's wonderful.

- With the money I made on this one deal, we can pay rent.

Baby, I'm going to be great at this.

- I'm going to be great when you get home tonight.

- I have to work late.

- That's okay, it gives me more time to get ready.

Now go out there and sell another one.

- Okay

I'm going. - Go.

I'll see you at home.

- One more thing. - What?

- Hey guys, what would you call the Flintstones

if they were black?

Niggers.

- Fuck you, you racist cock sucker.

- I'm not a racist, I hate everybody.

- You clan loving, Aryan nation, militia member,

skinhead, white motherfucker.

No offense.

- Non taken.

- One day there will be no more racism on earth.

- Yeah, right after the aliens attack.

And then we'll all hate green people.

- I can't believe I'm working for that fucking asshole.

- Why don't you quit?

- I did twice.

- Why are you still here?

- Money, baby, money.

This is one high-gross store,

Do you think anywhere you go to sell cars

they fucking rape people like this?

I once made $2,700 on one fucking car.

That is downright, motherfucking,

legalized robbery, my friend.

- Look!

- What's up, sexy?

- Where the fuck have you been?

Where's the fucking car?

You realize how many people came in

we could have sold that car too?

- Can we talk inside?

- Fuck you, asshole, where's the fucking car?

- The lady stole it.

- What lady?

- You let some bitch steal the car?

- Well, we were...

- You were what?

- Well, we had sex and she--

- You fucked the bitch?

- Well, yeah.

- Marco finally got laid.

Did she swallow?

He got a blow job, too!

You are in deep fucking shit, you stupid asshole.

- Hey there, partner.

- Hey, Eddie.

- Good deal you made today.

- Thanks man, thanks.

- I'm thinkin' maybe I wanna learn more

about this business, you know.

- In this business you don't need to know a fucking thing.

You just have to have the balls to do it.

- Is it really that easy?

- You shitting me.

Half the sales force can't even speak English.

That's the beauty of it. Anybody can do it.

Look at Mohammad. Brother barely escapes the Russian army,

he's running through miles of ambushes,

shooting down helicopters with stinger missiles,

ends up here selling cars.

- How does he do it, I mean, how does he make so much

fucking money here?

- He works his fucking ass off, man, that's how.

He's trying to raise enough cash to go back

and get his sister, he left her behind.

- He's a good guy, Mo, you know, I like him.

- Fuck him!

Fuck them all, fuck them before they fuck you,

and believe me, they will.

- Come on man, it isn't that bad, is it?

- Let me tell you some green pea,

there is no room for loyalty in this whacked out business.

You make your money and to hell with everybody else.

That deal Eddie closed for you,

we buried that fuck.

He won't even know it until he tries to get out

three or four years from now.

And you, you could've make at least another half point

on the interest.

- We made enough on the deal.

- What?

What did you say?

Did you say enough?

Is that like when you're getting your dick sucked

and right before you cum you say, "That's enough!"

- Never! It's never enough!

I want to blow my load all over the place

and when I'm done, I want to do it all over again!

- Let me ask you something, Eddie.

Do you ever feel bad for any of your customers?

- Fuck 'em.

Let's go home, man.

- Hi.

- I can't believe you still up.

You know,

I've been thinking a lot about this job.

Maybe I've been too nice to people,

people I should have stepped on a little.

You know, it would've put me in a much better position.

But I didn't, because I'm a nice guy.

And every single time it's come right back

and bitten me on the ass.

- How'd you like to bite this ass?

- God, I love you.

- Marco, good news.

The cops found the car and busted your girlfriend.

The bitch is in jail.

- Are you going to visit in jail, Marco?

- Hey, maybe you can get laid again.

- Better make sure you go to a woman's jail.

- Why?

You can get laid at a men's jail too, right?

- Where's Sean, I'm gonna kill that Irish fuck.

- How did they find the car?

- Oh, this is a good one, she's a degenerate gambler.

Took the car to Vegas. Guess what?

The bitch won.

- What fucking time are my meeting's asshole?

- I got a note from my doctor.

- Removed moth from right ear?

You had a bug living in your head?

- It crawled in there, what was I supposed to do?

- Go sit next to Marco, that's my new genius squad.

- Okay, We gotta pick up the pace.

You guys should be doing a lot better,

you're letting too many customers walk.

I wanna hear some of their excuses, come on,

try and stump me.

I got an answer for anything.

Come on!

- I'm just looking.

- I'm just selling. You can't really look at a car

unless you drive it. Next.

- I think I can get a better deal somewhere else.

- Sir, we all pay the same for the cars,

nobody can give you a better deal.

Come INSIDE and I'll show you.

- This is the first place I've been to.

- Then you're lucky you came to the best place first.

- I have to see what kind of interest rate

my credit union can give me.

- We have a book that lists all the credit unions.

I can tell you what your rate and payments will be.

Come on, give me a tough one!

- I have to check with my wife.

- What's the phone number?

We'll call her right now.

- I have to look at a couple other cars first.

- Why?

Consumer Reports, Car and Driver, AAA,

they've all looked at the other cars for you,

they say this one's the best.

- I want to look at a Ford.

- Okay, sir, come on.

Drag the fucking guy with you.

Where are we going?

To the Ford dealer down the street asshole.

Come on, we'll compare them side by side.

- I don't have a good credit.

- We can finance anybody.

- I just declared bankruptcy two weeks ago.

- Then what the fuck are you doing here?

- Okay, you get the idea.

Let's sell some metal, I want credit apps,

I want full write-ups, I want commitments.

I'm buying lunch for the guy with the first deal.

Let's go!

- Let's go kick some ass, baby.

- I want to show you something.

- So that's where he got the new car.

- He's playing with us.

- This is my sister. Her name is Farah,

but I call her Farah June, when you like somebody

you say June like Bobby, Bobby June.

I've saved almost enough to bring her over here,

I should have never left her there.

- I'm sure you're do it, Mo. I mean, you're the top man

this month. So far.

But you better watch out, partner,

cause I'm coming right up behind you,

you know what I'm saying?

- Coming in. Thunderbird.

Welcome to South Side, I am Mohammed--

Welcome to-- - Yeah, we have a salesman.

- You lied to us, Nixon.

- I uh...

- Bobby, call on line one please

- There you go, again, setting off the lie detector.

- I didn't say anything.

- That's the amazing thing about this machine,

it can tell if you even think a lie.

- Where's our fucking money?

- I have it.

All right, I don't have it now,

but I can make the payments.

- If you only pay the vig, you'll never get out from under.

And now that we know we can't trust you, we want it all.

- I can get it.

- This finger is going to start breaking.

- Shit!

I can get it, I can get it.

- Let's go for a walk.

- You think I'm bullshitting you guys?

I was working hard, I was making money,

things were going better

than I thought they would, you know?

I even had a house picked out.

- Larry Brezner, please come to the parts department.

- Sometimes I even slept in the truck to get early pickups.

I was living on coffee and fucking donuts.

It was the coffee that screwed me.

- Coffee?

- Yeah, you know, you're drinking so much

and you don't want to driving. I was pissing in a big cup,

and I hit a pothole, piss went all over the place

and I smashed into another car.

- Do you hear this?

He pissed all over himself.

- I don't care what's already happened,

I just want to know what's gonna happen.

- Okay, at the rate I'm selling cars,

if I can make this bonus, which I will make this bonus,

I can pay you guys $20,000

at the end of the month, guaranteed.

That'll bring me up to date, what do you say?

- $20,000, on the 30th,

We'll think about it.

- Give it to me.

Come on, what's my name?

Talk to me. - JJ

Talk to me, huh?

What's my name?

Talk to me, huh?

Come on, give it to me, baby.

Oh fuck, someone's coming.

- How did JJ pass me?

He can't even close a screen door.

- Must have soaked that deal late last night.

- Okay, sit down.

Let's get started.

That was our white trash Irishman

calling in from jail again.

He's the only salesman I know who calls in arrested.

- What happened?

- Cops pulled him over doing 75 in a 35 zone.

Found a couple of grams of coke in his glove box.

Got to get rid of that fucking idiot.

Okay, let's get started.

I want to talk about how to really put somebody together.

It takes faith. you have to believe.

You have to be a believer.

JJ, I can heal you.

You are now white!

- Fuck off,

Baby-New-Year-lookin' motherfucker!

- All right, okay.

Remember this, people love to talk about themselves.

Use that.

If they have children, tell them how safe this car is.

If it's a single guy, tell him how much power this car has.

And that this car will get his dick sucked,

Any idea the customer has, you love it.

If they hate somebody, you hate them too.

You guys are the best, you have to believe that.

If you don't believe it, fake it.

Fake it 'till you make it.

Now, these numbers, they don't mean a thing.

Guy at the bottom can go from zero to hero in a day.

Look at Deluca. The guy never sold fucking cars in his life,

he's in the top four.

Go a little crazy, be creative.

We used to take the trade-in keys, throw them on the roof.

Sir, you are not leaving today without buying a car.

We used to drive the trades out back,

put the bumper up against a tree, burn out the clutch.

Sir, where the fuck are you going?

Your car is broken.

We could fix it or you could use the money as a down payment

for something new.

Go crazy! Sell some fucking cars, go!

- Yeah!

- Come on, man, chill out, JJ.

Come on, let's make some money, buddy.

- It's me.

We got a little problem.

- Mr. Garcia, let me ask you.

If I could get you $1,000 for your used car,

you'd give me a check for $4,000,

making your monthly payments $460 per month, right?

- Come on.

- What's so funny?

- The price is too much.

- Okay, let's take the trade.

If I could get them to give you $1,100 for the trade

then we'd have a deal, right?

- I really personally like the Moonlight blue,

but you know, you can make up your own mind.

Mohammed line seven please,

Mohamed, line seven.

- Excuse me, please.

Yes, this is Mohammad, who is speaking, please?

- I'm going to go real low on the down, $3,900.

- No.

- Okay, $3,800,

$3,750?

- Sir, this is a very good price. You agree?

- Yes. - Hi. - Hi.

- Okay, so you will take it at this price?

- Yessa.

Discounta, yes?

- No, no, I've already given you the discount, remember?

- I'm sorry, my bad.

Yes.

- so we have a deal then?

- No.

Bigger discount.

- Son of a bitch!

- Man, is he pissed.

- Thank goodness for Pat Morita

- I think his head's gonna explode.

Oh man, you are good.

Look, I think if we can get him to come down another $500

we'll take it. - Yeah.

- Okay.

- Okay, great.

Sign here. I'm not saying I can do this.

But I like you, so I'm going to give it a shot.

By the way, have you considered leasing?

- Can we go $325 for 36 months?

- Done deal, shake his hand.

- Okay boss, I got him.

Give me a lease, $800 for the trade,

$3,750 down, $450 a month.

- Good job, Bobby. You are one sick individual.

- See, that is control.

- That is total control, you have to be fearless.

If this guy ever took the time to add up the numbers,

he'd find out he's paying almost twice the sticker price

and he is fucking thrilled.

- Yo, Mo, I just made an unbelievable deal, man.

It was one of the biggest commissions this month.

Yeah!

- She's gone Bobby.

- Who, your customer, who's gone?

- My sister, Farah.

She's dead,

- Oh, Mo.

Oh man, Mo, I'm so sorry, man.

- It's my fault, I should have never left her there, Bobby.

It's my fault.

- No, Mo, you can't do that to yourself.

It's not your fault, you couldn't have done anything.

Oh, Mo.

- Partner. - Shit!

You scared the piss out of me.

- I knew we should have brought a big gulp.

- You know, partner, we've been thinking.

Your chances of paying us off aren't looking too good

right now.

- Now listen to me,

I'm being totally straight with you guys.

I have a really good chance of nailing this bonus.

- No, you listen. We already gave you a chance,

and you know what?

Most people only get one.

- We want the combination.

Pumpkin seed?

- No. What combination?

- Don't fuck with me when I'm thirsty!

- The safe.

I saw money going in the safe.

- How am I supposed to get that?

- Just get the fucking thing!

- Bobby, does your girl like pumpkin seeds?

- You motherfucker.

- Did that hurt?

Looks like it really hurt.

He hasn't done that to me in a long time, but when he did,

I remember it really hurt.

By tomorrow partner.

- Oh, come on, I told you guys,

I told you I will have the money by the end of the month.

What does that mean?

I don't owe THAT money anymore, what do you mean?

Okay, just give me a couple of days.

No, I said I'll do it.

I just need a little time, I gotta go.

I've gotta go, I've got customers.

I'll call you back.

Mr. Garcia, hello.

Can I help you with something? Sir?

- We went to our credit union.

They explained to me that if I buy this car,

I cannot afford to feed my family.

Please, Mr. Deluca, can we give it back?

- Oh, no.

- Mr DeLuca, please.

Could you please take it back.

- Mr. Garcia, I'm sorry.

I don't think I can help.

Let me see what I can do.

Hey Reggie,

these people came in yesterday,

um, and uh, I want to help them out.

I mean, they, really can't afford this.

We overdid it. And the car is going to be in repo anyway

if they go bankrupt.

So, what do you say we cut 'em some slack?

- Let me see it.

Is this is your name here?

- Yes, sir.

- You're an owner, get the fuck outta here.

- Sorry Mr. Garcia, I really tried.

I am so sorry.

- Another day of dealing with idiots

who want a $10,000 discount.

If somebody else tells me how they hate car salesmen,

I swear, I'm going to snap.

- I met a guy yesterday, who would only buy a car

that was built on a Wednesday.

What a fucking retard.

- You know what, I can't handle the shit anymore!

Reggie's right, we're a bunch of fucking whores.

A bunch of uneducated, arrogant, goddamn, fucking whores.

How can you blame these poor bastards?

Every single person that walks into this place

has been raped by a car salesman.

And they know beyond a shadow of a doubt,

it's going to happen again.

Do you want to know why I'm here?

I'm here because I tried to make something of my life

and I failed, but at least I gave it a shot.

Javier, if you weren't selling cars,

you'd either be washing them or stealing them.

Shamim, you think you're better than everybody else?

Let me tell you something, the cars you're selling

are worth more than the hometown you grew up in.

You see these people, they don't earn their money

by fucking other people out of it.

And all they want to do is put a little food on the table

for their children.

Maybe send them to a decent school or something.

And then, we come along and take them for everything we can.

And you know what's worse, we're so good at it

that when we're done,

most of them think we're heroes for doing it.

If you're going to steal from these people,

at least show them just a little bit of respect.

Let's not insult them any more than we have to.

- I think the green pea aint no green pea no more.

Are we taking advantage of people?

Let us take a look.

Your job is to sell a car for as much as you can.

The customer's job is to buy the car

for as little as possible.

Why should you feel guilty about being better at your job

than somebody else is at theirs?

You know, if I went with a customer to get a deal on the car

and I told them we were going to fuck the salesman,

he would love it.

If he makes a good deal, he takes money out of your pocket.

If you make a good deal, you take money out of his.

What's the difference?

Now, if somebody buys a car

and he leaves thinking he got screwed, then he is an idiot.

The buyer has all the control.

He can get up and leave at any time.

He does not own that car until he drives it off the lot.

Not when he signs the papers,

he does not own that car until he takes delivery.

So who has the control, huh?

If he got fucked, he fucked himself.

It's that simple.

Be proud of what you do. Be the best

And never, never apologize for it.

- I'm thinking of quitting, Mo.

- No, you can be a great salesman.

Don't let Reggie ruin you.

Make the deals you can live with.

- When I'm gone, Bobby June, you'll become top man.

- Where are you going?

- Afghanistan. I have to get the assholes

that killed my sister.

- What are you talking about, Mo?

You can't go back there.

They'll never let you out.

- I don't care.

You're a good man, but don't stay here too long.

They'll take it away from you

- Reggie, line 12.

- Yeah.

- Are we on schedule?

- The car just came in.

No, the idiot's still in lock up.

No bail yet, I'll unload it myself tonight.

- You fucking better.

- It must've been a family member.

- Fuck you.

- Hey fuck me,

Randall sold the car.

- Leave me alone.

- Did your Uncle Joe make parole?

- Shut up. - No, this is good.

Randall sold a car.

- Randall to the men's room. Customer waiting.

- Shut up, Eddie.

- You got it?

- Yeah, I got it.

- Good.

I want to buy me a car.

Now, dick head.

- Three cash deals, not bad.

- Looking at all this money just makes you want to cry.

- Donna!

We gotta go.

We gotta to go right now before...

I'll explain later, we don't have much time.

- Wait a minute.

Bobby, what are you talking about?

- Hey, Nixon.

We've been waiting for you to get home.

- May we come in?

- Everett, why don't you tie up Bobby's lovely wife.

And you put these on.

- Hey, Reg!

What would you call the Flintstones

if somebody shot their nuts off?

- Yeah, what would you call them?

What would you call them!

Wouldn't be nigga, would it?

- You're not so humorous tonight, Reggie.

Come on white boy, tell me a joke.

Hey, I wonder, is killing the general manager

grounds for dismissal?

- Wait, I can cut you in.

Long term, a shipment every week.

I'm loving this shit, man!

I can't believe you're still trying to put me together, man.

The balls on you! Damn Reggie.

I tell you what, I'll make you a deal.

You tell me one of your very funny nigger jokes,

one that I haven't heard before

and I'll let your pale ass live for three more minutes.

You got three seconds to start joking, white boy.

Now!

- St. Peter is at his gate, when three black guys walk up.

- Nuh-uh. Uh-uh.

- Three niggers, walk up.

St. Peter runs back to God and says,

there's three niggers at the gate, what should I do?

God says there's no racism here, go back and welcome them.

After a few minutes,

St. Peter runs back and says, they're gone.

God says, "Who, the niggers?"

Saint Peter says, "No, the Gates"

- That wasn't funny, Reggie.

You don't seem to understand

when something isn't funny, do you?

Give me another one.

Come on, just give me another one.

Come on, Reggie.

Let's go!

- A woman tells a police sketch artist,

she was mugged by a blue-eyed, blonde-haired,

well-dressed man.

The sketch artist draws a picture of a black--a nigger.

The woman says, that's him.

- Hey, I got one, two niggers-

- Would you shut the fuck up!

- Man, fuck.

- Kill his ass.

- Somebody's coming.

Shit!

- It's over there.

- Relax, Nixon.

We'll be out of here in no time.

- Fuck!

- Try it again.

What's wrong with those numbers?

- Motherfucker!

- Talk fast.

- I didn't have enough time again to get them.

- He screwed us!

- No, give me a chance to find the combination.

I'm sure it's in here .

The old man, he don't remember anything.

I can find them.

- You got 60 seconds.

- Just kill him and get the fuck out of here!

- In less than a minute.

- Time's up.

- This asshole doesn't read books.

Wait, wait!

This must be it.

- Then do it.

- That's a little distracting.

- Just do it.

- That's it. Let's waste him.

- Sorry, Bobby, it's just business.

- Hey!

Let's toss those guns up on the desk first boys!

- Who the fuck are you?

- You toss them guns or you'll never find out.

Now!

- Let's go motherfuckers! - Move it!

- Get the fuck over there bitch.

I guess I win the bonus.

Let's kill these motherfuckers.

Sorry, Bobby, nothing personal.

- Why are you doing this, JJ?

- Because man, we've been here all night, I'm tired,

and a nigga just wants to go home.

Do it.

- About fucking time!

- We had to go looking for you.

- Who are the spectators?

Soon to be dead witnesses.

- Sorry, Bobby.

- Listen, Reggie, let's talk about this shit, man.

Come on, please.

- You are so beyond fucked,

you couldn't catch a bus back to fucked.

We gotta weigh this shit out.

Kill 'em so we can get outta here.

- What the fuck is going on?

- Don't move.

- Christ, Mo.

What the hell are you doing here?

- Are we expecting anybody else?

- What is this Reggie?

- Mo, stand over there.

- Now!

- You think I'm scared of you?

- You all right, Bobby June?

- I'm fine.

Mo?

Fuck.

- Looks like you win the bonus, Bobby June.

- Fuck the bonus, man.

- What do you call three dead drug dealers

and five dead low lives in a car dealership?

A good start.

- You look pretty bad there, Reggie.

- Fucking JJ, I was starting to like him too.

I'll tell you something, kid,

don't ever get shot, hurts like hell.

- Oh wow, Bobby, look at all the people.

- Just go to work like normal.

Everything will be fine, okay?

We work here, officer.

- Okay, go ahead. - Thank you.

Hey Eddie, what happened?

- Reggie fucked himself good last night. JJ too.

Stupid assholes were selling more than cars.

I can't believe they were working together,

Sure had me fooled.

Mohammed too. They're all dead.

This place wasn't a car dealership,

it was a goddamn pharmacy.

- So, you didn't notice anything out of the ordinary?

- No, everything seemed pretty normal when I left,

I think it was about 10 o'clock.

That's it?

- That's it.

- You like this car?

- Yeah. V8?

- Yeah, it's a V8. You should take it for a drive.

- Nah.

- Yeah, you should take it for a drive.

Check out the front here, right up here in front.

There's even a holder for your donuts.

- Get the fuck outta here.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

- Do you still love me?

- Unfortunately.

- Enough to pull the invoice for this car?

- You want to show the invoice to a customer?

- Why not?

He asked.

- What would Reggie say?

- Oh, nothing. I'm sure right about now,

he's probably trying to fuck the devil out

of an air conditioner.

- Thanks a lot, Bobby.

- Have a good one, detective.

- Take it easy. - You too partner.

- How much did I make on that deal, Eddie?

- Not a whole lot. A double maybe.

- Good.

- You got a $10,000 bonus coming, though.

- This is one crazy fucking business, Eddie.

- Hey, partner.

I know it's your first month but don't worry,

they're not all as crazy as this.

- Reggie dial one, please.

Uh, Reggie -- cancel that.