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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,170 [cheers and applause] 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 3 00:00:04,170 --> 00:00:06,706 [dramatic rock music] 4 00:00:06,706 --> 00:00:11,111 - Please welcome Mr. Jeff Dunham! 5 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 6 00:00:11,111 --> 00:00:17,016 ♪ ♪ 7 00:00:19,152 --> 00:00:22,222 How you doing, D.C.? 8 00:00:22,222 --> 00:00:24,991 [cheers and applause] 9 00:00:24,991 --> 00:00:26,793 Thanks for coming out tonight. 10 00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:28,628 It is good to be back in your fair city, 11 00:00:28,628 --> 00:00:31,398 and for those of you who are applauding, you know who I am. 12 00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:33,032 Thank you very much. 13 00:00:33,032 --> 00:00:36,136 [cheers and applause] 14 00:00:39,806 --> 00:00:41,374 For those of you who have never seen my show, 15 00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:42,809 don't know my act, and you don't know 16 00:00:42,809 --> 00:00:44,177 what you're in for tonight, 17 00:00:44,177 --> 00:00:47,313 you think those people were applauding for me. 18 00:00:47,313 --> 00:00:48,848 It's fake news. 19 00:00:48,848 --> 00:00:50,617 They were applauding for the little guys in the boxes. 20 00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:51,818 Am I right? Yes? 21 00:00:51,818 --> 00:00:54,287 [cheers and applause] 22 00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:57,590 But before we get going, I want to say one thing. 23 00:00:57,590 --> 00:01:00,593 Comedians are supposed to make people laugh. 24 00:01:00,593 --> 00:01:02,262 - Ha ha ha! - Thank you. 25 00:01:04,497 --> 00:01:05,865 But today, comedians everywhere 26 00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:08,268 are afraid to make jokes about just about anything, 27 00:01:08,268 --> 00:01:10,170 for fear of getting canceled-- 28 00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:11,971 whatever that means. 29 00:01:11,971 --> 00:01:14,140 [applause] 30 00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:16,309 [booing] 31 00:01:17,844 --> 00:01:19,179 But guess what? 32 00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:21,014 I don't care. 33 00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:22,148 [cheers and applause] 34 00:01:28,354 --> 00:01:30,757 Look, if you tell a joke to 100 people 35 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,026 and two of those people get offended, 36 00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:36,863 whose problem is that? 37 00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:38,498 Not the 98. 38 00:01:38,498 --> 00:01:40,633 It's the two boneheads who don't have a sense of humor 39 00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:44,137 and are trying their best to ruin it for the rest of us. 40 00:01:49,075 --> 00:01:50,677 And look, when it comes to politics, 41 00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:53,446 when Trump was in office-- had a lot of fun with that. 42 00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:56,282 And now...holy crap. 43 00:02:08,261 --> 00:02:09,662 But please remember this. 44 00:02:09,662 --> 00:02:12,098 If something is said tonight that offends you, 45 00:02:12,098 --> 00:02:15,535 it wasn't me-- it was them. 46 00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:18,004 Now you're ready for the little people in the boxes. 47 00:02:18,004 --> 00:02:19,739 All right. 48 00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:24,744 So right now, I'm going to introduce to you 49 00:02:24,744 --> 00:02:26,613 my friend Walter. 50 00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:31,851 However, before he comes out here, 51 00:02:31,851 --> 00:02:34,220 he wanted me to read something to you, and it's right here. 52 00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:38,191 He typed this up himself, and here it is. 53 00:02:38,191 --> 00:02:40,260 - Ha ha ha ha! 54 00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:45,398 - That's the guy that just realized 55 00:02:45,398 --> 00:02:47,867 that maybe Walter can't actually type. 56 00:02:50,270 --> 00:02:52,872 "Ladies, and gentlemen, and others..." 57 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:02,782 Oh, two people are leaving. Right there, I see 'em. 58 00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:04,784 There they go. 59 00:03:08,288 --> 00:03:10,323 "Tonight, we have a very special guest. 60 00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:12,292 "Please welcome the President 61 00:03:12,292 --> 00:03:13,826 "of the United States of America, 62 00:03:13,826 --> 00:03:15,595 President Joe Biden." 63 00:03:15,595 --> 00:03:19,198 ["Hail to the Chief" plays] 64 00:03:19,198 --> 00:03:26,539 ♪ ♪ 65 00:03:34,814 --> 00:03:36,449 Well, good evening, Mr. President. 66 00:03:36,449 --> 00:03:38,151 - Hello, Jerry. - Jeff. 67 00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:39,619 - Jeff. 68 00:03:46,426 --> 00:03:47,994 - We're happy to have you here. 69 00:03:47,994 --> 00:03:50,163 - Thanks a lot, yeah. It's great to be here. 70 00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:52,365 - Yeah, and I must say, sir, you look really good. 71 00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:53,600 - Thank you, and yes. 72 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,234 That's all that really matters, Jack. 73 00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:57,704 - Jeff. - Jeff. 74 00:03:57,704 --> 00:03:59,539 - Well, you should look good, but you also 75 00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:01,374 have to do a good job running the country. 76 00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:02,642 - Oh, of course. 77 00:04:02,642 --> 00:04:05,545 But that's as easy as riding a bike. 78 00:04:10,550 --> 00:04:11,884 And as president, did you know 79 00:04:11,884 --> 00:04:14,354 that I had done the impossible? 80 00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:15,655 - No, sir. What did you do? 81 00:04:15,655 --> 00:04:18,424 - I fell up a flight of stairs. 82 00:04:20,326 --> 00:04:24,130 Three times in ten seconds. 83 00:04:24,130 --> 00:04:26,633 First senator to ever do that. 84 00:04:26,633 --> 00:04:28,835 - President. - President. 85 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:42,048 I think my son Hunter wants me to give up cycling for skiing. 86 00:04:42,048 --> 00:04:43,249 - Really? - Yeah. 87 00:04:43,249 --> 00:04:46,119 He keeps saying the powder's great. 88 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:48,354 [cheers and applause] 89 00:04:55,328 --> 00:04:57,530 Sure. That kid is the smartest man I know. 90 00:04:57,530 --> 00:04:58,798 - Really? - Yeah. 91 00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:00,600 Which tells you one thing. - What's that? 92 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,403 - I know a lot of dumbasses. 93 00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:05,471 - You know, I didn't see your motorcade 94 00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:06,773 driving here tonight. - Nope. 95 00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:10,743 - Why not? - Uh, the price of gasoline. 96 00:05:10,743 --> 00:05:12,345 Have you seen it? - Yeah. 97 00:05:12,345 --> 00:05:14,781 - Someone should do something. 98 00:05:18,685 --> 00:05:21,054 Don't look at me. I just read answers. 99 00:05:23,723 --> 00:05:25,391 - You know, a lot of folks are wondering 100 00:05:25,391 --> 00:05:26,793 why we don't just produce the oil 101 00:05:26,793 --> 00:05:28,995 that's already in the United States. 102 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:31,931 [cheers and applause] 103 00:05:33,566 --> 00:05:36,502 - Wait--what? 104 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:38,271 We can do that? 105 00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:40,573 - Aren't you familiar with our country's oil production? 106 00:05:40,573 --> 00:05:43,176 - Yeah. It's fallen, and it can't get up! 107 00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,610 Ha ha ha ha! 108 00:05:46,045 --> 00:05:48,014 - Walter, I'm going to pause you just for a minute. 109 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,315 - What? 110 00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:51,250 - You realize you're not really the president? 111 00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:52,585 - Yes, I am. - No, you're not. 112 00:05:52,585 --> 00:05:54,554 - Come on. Everybody says I look just like him. 113 00:05:54,554 --> 00:05:56,622 - Yeah. - And somebody else is always 114 00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:58,758 telling me what to say. 115 00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:09,102 - Okay. If you're gonna pretend to be Biden, 116 00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,837 do you want to have, like, a press conference or something? 117 00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:12,171 - Oh, that'd be great. - Okay. 118 00:06:12,171 --> 00:06:14,907 We have good answers to tough questions. 119 00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:21,881 What are you looking for? - Teleprompter. 120 00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:23,616 - You won't have a teleprompter. 121 00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:26,219 - Then I won't know crap. - Okay. 122 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,588 - Can I use your phone as the teleprompter? 123 00:06:28,588 --> 00:06:31,491 Isn't all this on there? - Yeah. 124 00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:34,393 Sure. Okay. It's right here. 125 00:06:34,393 --> 00:06:36,329 Read there. 126 00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:37,864 - "Okay. Then I won't know crap." 127 00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:40,867 - No, you said that. Okay. The next line. 128 00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:45,238 - "Can I use your phone as a teleprompter? 129 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,974 Jeff pulls out phone. Walter reads phone." 130 00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:51,144 - Not-- 131 00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:52,712 - What? - Don't read 132 00:06:52,712 --> 00:06:55,548 the stage directions. Just go to the next line. 133 00:06:55,548 --> 00:06:57,350 - Okay. 134 00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:59,485 "Sweetheart, your doctor called and said your infection--" 135 00:06:59,485 --> 00:07:02,622 - No. That's a text from-- 136 00:07:02,622 --> 00:07:04,290 - The hell? An infection? 137 00:07:04,290 --> 00:07:05,491 What's infected? 138 00:07:05,491 --> 00:07:07,794 Can I catch it? - No! 139 00:07:07,794 --> 00:07:10,129 - Is it like Hunter got from the hookers? 140 00:07:10,129 --> 00:07:12,532 - No! No. 141 00:07:12,532 --> 00:07:13,766 - Does it itch? - No. 142 00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:16,302 - A rash? Hives? Anal leakage? 143 00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:18,404 - Stop! 144 00:07:18,404 --> 00:07:20,907 - Maybe you should have stopped. 145 00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:26,445 Hey, by the way, did Bubba J give you a present? 146 00:07:26,445 --> 00:07:27,914 - Yes. - For some reason, 147 00:07:27,914 --> 00:07:29,315 he wouldn't tell us what it was. 148 00:07:29,315 --> 00:07:30,650 - Okay. I don't know why, 149 00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:33,019 but he gave me a ceramic donkey. 150 00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:34,086 - And you got it? - Yeah, yeah. 151 00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:35,488 He gave it to me on the tour bus 152 00:07:35,488 --> 00:07:37,590 right before we came in here. - And you took it? 153 00:07:37,590 --> 00:07:38,758 - Yeah. - But you don't get it? 154 00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:40,526 - Don't get what? - You idiot. 155 00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:43,663 You just had your ass handed to you. 156 00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:51,537 You dumbass. 157 00:07:53,965 --> 00:07:55,133 - Do you actually know the Pelosis? 158 00:07:55,133 --> 00:07:56,334 - Oh, yeah. I used to date Nancy. 159 00:07:56,334 --> 00:07:58,970 - No. No, you didn't. - Yeah I did. 160 00:07:58,970 --> 00:08:00,905 She was kinda hot, way back when. 161 00:08:00,905 --> 00:08:02,240 - Yeah? - Oh, yeah. 162 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:06,811 But that was four score and seven faces ago. 163 00:08:07,979 --> 00:08:09,213 - No. It's not-- 164 00:08:15,119 --> 00:08:17,755 So what attracted you to Nancy Pelosi? 165 00:08:17,755 --> 00:08:20,591 - Never could put my finger on it. 166 00:08:25,696 --> 00:08:27,865 Well, sorry. That didn't come out right, did it? 167 00:08:27,865 --> 00:08:29,901 - No. 168 00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:32,336 - See? This is why they don't let me answer questions. 169 00:08:32,336 --> 00:08:34,972 - Right. 170 00:08:34,972 --> 00:08:36,574 - I thought about what I just said, 171 00:08:36,574 --> 00:08:38,309 and I threw up in my mouth a little. 172 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:39,710 - Yeah, I'm sorry. 173 00:08:39,710 --> 00:08:42,180 - I'm kidding. I'm kidding, I really am. 174 00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:45,516 When you look in that woman's eyes, you really see something. 175 00:08:45,516 --> 00:08:46,684 - Really? What? - Yeah. 176 00:08:46,684 --> 00:08:49,287 - Cataracts. - Okay. 177 00:08:49,287 --> 00:08:52,490 - You know, I'm also good friends with the Clintons. 178 00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:53,958 - Really? - Oh, sure. 179 00:08:53,958 --> 00:08:55,960 You don't live this long being a former friend 180 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:59,163 of the Clintons. 181 00:09:07,538 --> 00:09:10,241 And good luck to you, after this special comes out. 182 00:09:10,241 --> 00:09:11,943 - Thank you. 183 00:09:14,912 --> 00:09:16,847 So during your first year-and-a-half in office, 184 00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:19,183 your critics say that things really 185 00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:22,286 started to go downhill for you after the Afghanistan pullout. 186 00:09:22,286 --> 00:09:24,522 - You said "pullout." 187 00:09:26,724 --> 00:09:28,593 Usually does go downhill after that, 188 00:09:28,593 --> 00:09:31,462 you know what I'm saying? 189 00:09:31,462 --> 00:09:33,030 - Can we talk about Mexico? 190 00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:35,066 - Oui-oui. 191 00:09:36,901 --> 00:09:39,136 Hey, is the vice president here? 192 00:09:39,136 --> 00:09:40,605 No. Why? 193 00:09:40,605 --> 00:09:43,708 - It's been so long, I've forgotten what he looks like. 194 00:09:45,843 --> 00:09:47,578 - You know, it's a she. She! 195 00:09:47,578 --> 00:09:49,513 The vice president is a woman. 196 00:09:49,513 --> 00:09:52,049 - Ha ha ha ha ha ha! 197 00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:54,185 A woman vice president? Yeah, right. 198 00:09:54,185 --> 00:09:57,054 When's that gonna happen? Not till the 2000s. 199 00:09:59,857 --> 00:10:02,293 Oh, two more just walked out. 200 00:10:03,928 --> 00:10:06,631 - Ever since you sent Vice President Harris 201 00:10:06,631 --> 00:10:08,132 to the Mexican border, we haven't heard 202 00:10:08,132 --> 00:10:10,167 much of anything from her about that. 203 00:10:10,167 --> 00:10:11,969 - Oh, bet she did what I do now and then 204 00:10:11,969 --> 00:10:14,605 and just wandered off. 205 00:10:14,605 --> 00:10:15,773 - Really? - Yeah. I usually get as far 206 00:10:15,773 --> 00:10:16,941 as the electric fence. 207 00:10:16,941 --> 00:10:18,376 It's like, "Guys, can I get through here?" 208 00:10:18,376 --> 00:10:19,577 [chhhhhh] 209 00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:21,412 Ahh! 210 00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:22,580 Pull out! 211 00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:24,582 Ha ha ha ha. 212 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,756 - We're talking about Vice President Harris. 213 00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:34,925 - I know. Cana clana clama kalishama 214 00:10:34,925 --> 00:10:37,928 kama kama shala la la ding dong. 215 00:10:39,297 --> 00:10:41,299 Wait. This is how I remember her name. 216 00:10:41,299 --> 00:10:44,235 It goes like this: ♪ Kam-kam-kam kam-kamala ♪ 217 00:10:44,235 --> 00:10:46,671 ♪ Kam-kam-kam Kam-kamala ♪ 218 00:10:46,671 --> 00:10:48,973 ♪ Kanala-la-la-la ♪ 219 00:10:48,973 --> 00:10:51,342 ♪ Hoo ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ 220 00:10:54,211 --> 00:10:55,746 [sniffing] 221 00:11:00,818 --> 00:11:02,920 - Do you think you're fit to be president? 222 00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:04,355 - Well, my wife thinks I am. 223 00:11:04,355 --> 00:11:06,390 - Really? - You know, she's a doctor. 224 00:11:06,390 --> 00:11:08,693 - Yeah? - Yeah, and we play doctor, 225 00:11:08,693 --> 00:11:10,294 if you know what I'm saying. 226 00:11:10,294 --> 00:11:11,629 - Great. 227 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:12,697 - You want to know what we do? - Not really. 228 00:11:12,697 --> 00:11:14,298 - Yeah. Well, when it's time 229 00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:16,300 I say, "Hey, honey, want to play doctor?" 230 00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,468 - Great. 231 00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:18,836 - And she's always like, "Well, yes I do." 232 00:11:18,836 --> 00:11:20,971 - Yeah? - Then she makes me wait 233 00:11:20,971 --> 00:11:23,341 outside her office for three hours. 234 00:11:25,976 --> 00:11:28,012 - So do you still wear a mask while in the White House? 235 00:11:28,012 --> 00:11:30,247 - Only at nighttime, and it's my Donald Trump mask. 236 00:11:30,247 --> 00:11:32,149 - Oh. - I love scaring the crap 237 00:11:32,149 --> 00:11:34,452 outta Jill. 238 00:11:34,452 --> 00:11:36,520 I like sticking my head through the door and going, 239 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,756 "Heeeere's Donny!" 240 00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:43,861 I love those idiots who wore their masks over their mouths, 241 00:11:43,861 --> 00:11:45,296 but not their noses. 242 00:11:45,296 --> 00:11:46,797 You dimwits. 243 00:11:46,797 --> 00:11:49,200 That's like wearing a condom on your nuts. 244 00:11:53,070 --> 00:11:55,740 - Say good night, Walter. - Good night, America! 245 00:11:55,740 --> 00:11:58,109 - That's Walter. 246 00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:06,517 - He's from somewhere down South. 247 00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:09,053 Please help me welcome Bubba J! 248 00:12:09,053 --> 00:12:12,256 [cheers and applause] 249 00:12:12,256 --> 00:12:14,425 ♪ ♪ 250 00:12:14,425 --> 00:12:17,128 - [giggling] 251 00:12:17,128 --> 00:12:21,031 - How you doing, Bubba J? - I'm doing pretty good! 252 00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:23,567 Thank you. Yep, yep. 253 00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:25,002 - And I'm glad you're here. 254 00:12:25,002 --> 00:12:27,571 - Well, I am very happy to be here tonight, 255 00:12:27,571 --> 00:12:32,309 and I think the ladies are especially happy I'm here. 256 00:12:34,078 --> 00:12:35,746 - So Bubba J, is your drinking-- 257 00:12:35,746 --> 00:12:37,214 - [indistinct yelling] - Okay. 258 00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:39,116 That's my sister. 259 00:12:44,789 --> 00:12:47,358 Ooh-ooh-ooh! 260 00:12:52,696 --> 00:12:54,498 Guess the bus from West Virginia 261 00:12:54,498 --> 00:12:58,302 got here tonight, huh? - I guess so. 262 00:13:00,538 --> 00:13:02,173 - Yee-haw! 263 00:13:02,173 --> 00:13:04,975 - So Bubba J, how are things going at home for you? 264 00:13:04,975 --> 00:13:06,076 - Pretty good. - Yeah? 265 00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:07,611 - Yeah. - Who lives there now? 266 00:13:07,611 --> 00:13:10,581 - It's just my sister and my wife and my drinking buddy. 267 00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:13,117 - Oh, so you have three other people living in the house? 268 00:13:13,117 --> 00:13:16,086 - [laughing] No, that's all the same person. 269 00:13:21,992 --> 00:13:23,227 I love this crowd. - Why? 270 00:13:23,227 --> 00:13:24,662 - My kind of folks. - Yeah? 271 00:13:24,662 --> 00:13:26,964 - Hee hee. Looks like a couple of guys up front 272 00:13:26,964 --> 00:13:28,399 are already hammered. 273 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,335 Oh, look at that lady right there. 274 00:13:31,335 --> 00:13:33,838 Whoo! 275 00:13:33,838 --> 00:13:35,506 She is hot. 276 00:13:35,506 --> 00:13:37,908 Oops! That's a guy. 277 00:13:39,877 --> 00:13:41,512 Sorry, sir. 278 00:13:41,512 --> 00:13:45,149 Or they. Sorry, they. 279 00:13:45,149 --> 00:13:47,718 But you have to admit, for a guy, he's kinda hot. 280 00:13:47,718 --> 00:13:49,286 - Well-- - Aw, you know what I mean? 281 00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:50,754 - Not really. - Come on. 282 00:13:50,754 --> 00:13:51,889 When a guy's really hot it's like, 283 00:13:51,889 --> 00:13:55,426 "I'm not gay, but if I was..." 284 00:13:57,027 --> 00:13:59,029 - Bubba J. - All I'm saying is 285 00:13:59,029 --> 00:14:01,966 hubba-hubba, my man. 286 00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:04,301 - So Bubba J, do you pay attention to politics? 287 00:14:04,301 --> 00:14:06,504 No. I'm scared-a any kinda ticks. 288 00:14:06,504 --> 00:14:08,138 - No. 289 00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:10,107 I mean do you pay attention to the issues? 290 00:14:10,107 --> 00:14:12,643 - Yeah. I have a lot of issues. 291 00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:14,645 - Are you familiar with our current president? 292 00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:18,782 - Oh, sure. He's right there, in that box right there. 293 00:14:18,782 --> 00:14:20,017 - No. That's Walter. 294 00:14:20,017 --> 00:14:21,085 He's pretending he's the president. 295 00:14:21,085 --> 00:14:24,054 - Well, so is the real guy. 296 00:14:25,956 --> 00:14:28,192 [loud cheers and applause] 297 00:14:30,060 --> 00:14:31,929 - You know, if President Biden runs for reelection, 298 00:14:31,929 --> 00:14:33,731 he'll be 81. 299 00:14:33,731 --> 00:14:35,666 - Oh, you know what else is 81? 300 00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:37,568 - What? - My credit score. 301 00:14:37,568 --> 00:14:38,836 - Oh. 302 00:14:39,904 --> 00:14:41,405 - But your wife is well? 303 00:14:41,405 --> 00:14:42,840 - Oh, yeah. She's great. 304 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,441 She looks good too. - I'm sure. 305 00:14:44,441 --> 00:14:46,143 - Yeah. She put on some weight 306 00:14:46,143 --> 00:14:48,612 during the pandemic, so now she looks even better. 307 00:14:48,612 --> 00:14:50,047 - I see. - Yeah. 308 00:14:50,047 --> 00:14:51,749 I know I don't look good naked, 309 00:14:51,749 --> 00:14:53,484 but when my wife undresses, 310 00:14:53,484 --> 00:14:55,986 hubba-hubba! 311 00:14:55,986 --> 00:14:57,288 It is hot. 312 00:14:57,288 --> 00:14:58,923 When she's wearin' yoga pants, 313 00:14:58,923 --> 00:15:03,160 it looks like cranberry sauce sliding out of the can. 314 00:15:05,095 --> 00:15:07,031 And it makes the same noise-- 315 00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,199 cccchhhup. 316 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:20,878 I love it. Cheap, sweet, and jiggly. 317 00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:22,780 - Please stop. - You can still see 318 00:15:22,780 --> 00:15:24,448 all the lines on her too. 319 00:15:24,448 --> 00:15:25,816 - That's enough. 320 00:15:25,816 --> 00:15:28,852 - That is my Thanksgiving right there, my friend. 321 00:15:28,852 --> 00:15:30,521 - So you like her extra weight? 322 00:15:30,521 --> 00:15:31,956 - It ain't extra. She's perfect. 323 00:15:31,956 --> 00:15:33,591 - Great. - Yeah. 324 00:15:33,591 --> 00:15:35,893 - And what do you guys do as a couple for fun? 325 00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,329 - Well, we got a bicycle built for two. 326 00:15:38,329 --> 00:15:39,630 - That's great. - Yeah. 327 00:15:39,630 --> 00:15:42,333 Now I gotta find something to ride on. 328 00:15:44,468 --> 00:15:46,203 - What about music? - What about it? 329 00:15:46,203 --> 00:15:48,238 - What's your wife's favorite song? 330 00:15:48,238 --> 00:15:52,142 - Hee hee. Whatever the ice cream truck is playing. 331 00:15:53,677 --> 00:15:55,579 - So look, I know it's none of my business, but have you 332 00:15:55,579 --> 00:15:57,815 and your wife ever joined the mile-high club? 333 00:15:57,815 --> 00:16:00,417 -Ha. Buddy, there ain't a plane on this planet 334 00:16:00,417 --> 00:16:03,354 that could get her a mile off the ground. 335 00:16:05,055 --> 00:16:06,991 And you know, I hadn't told you yet, 336 00:16:06,991 --> 00:16:09,693 but, um, we're expecting another kid. 337 00:16:09,693 --> 00:16:11,295 - Oh, congratulations. 338 00:16:11,295 --> 00:16:13,364 - Yeah. I want her to have it in the hospital, 339 00:16:13,364 --> 00:16:15,232 but she wants to do a water birth 340 00:16:15,232 --> 00:16:17,001 in our neighbor's hot tub. 341 00:16:17,001 --> 00:16:18,569 - I see. 342 00:16:18,569 --> 00:16:20,004 - Yeah, but I don't think a kid should 343 00:16:20,004 --> 00:16:23,941 be born in the same place it was conceived. 344 00:16:25,976 --> 00:16:30,047 [watery crying] Blblblblblblb! 345 00:16:34,685 --> 00:16:38,255 [watery voice] I'm down here, Mommy! 346 00:16:43,477 --> 00:16:44,512 - Bubba J, we've come to what I think 347 00:16:44,512 --> 00:16:46,047 is your favorite part of the show. 348 00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:47,281 - Can I introduce it? - Go ahead. 349 00:16:47,281 --> 00:16:48,849 - Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, 350 00:16:48,849 --> 00:16:50,284 welcome to the part of the show 351 00:16:50,284 --> 00:16:52,453 where you get to hear what I think about stuff 352 00:16:52,453 --> 00:16:56,524 after I've had a few, which is like all the time. 353 00:16:58,326 --> 00:16:59,293 Yep. 354 00:17:02,029 --> 00:17:06,467 This is called Bubba J's Drinkin' & Thinkin'. 355 00:17:08,869 --> 00:17:10,805 Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. 356 00:17:10,805 --> 00:17:12,306 Oh ho, there you go. 357 00:17:12,306 --> 00:17:14,909 [soft music plays] Oh. There's the music. 358 00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:19,580 Romantic and kinda soft and sexy. 359 00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:26,220 ♪ ♪ 360 00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:29,056 Can you look into my eyes? 361 00:17:29,056 --> 00:17:32,393 Yeah. I know it's not easy... 362 00:17:32,393 --> 00:17:34,428 'cause one eye goes this way, 363 00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:36,831 and the other eye goes that way. 364 00:17:36,831 --> 00:17:39,033 And you're looking at me, and you're going, "What the hell? 365 00:17:39,033 --> 00:17:41,202 Which one do I look at?" 366 00:17:41,202 --> 00:17:43,337 Okay. That's the wrong one. 367 00:17:45,206 --> 00:17:47,675 - Just start. - Okay. There. Here we go. 368 00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:51,879 I think that installing a smoke detector in my chimney 369 00:17:51,879 --> 00:17:54,081 was a bad idea. 370 00:17:55,816 --> 00:17:58,886 Sometimes I get so drunk that I can't remember 371 00:17:58,886 --> 00:18:00,554 how to set my alarm clock, 372 00:18:00,554 --> 00:18:04,358 so I just turn on my microwave for eight hours. 373 00:18:08,095 --> 00:18:10,665 From now on, no more prostate exams, 374 00:18:10,665 --> 00:18:12,667 unless it's by someone 375 00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:15,736 who actually works in the medical field. 376 00:18:21,509 --> 00:18:23,377 Whoever named them Rocky Mountain oysters 377 00:18:23,377 --> 00:18:26,347 had a lot of balls. 378 00:18:28,049 --> 00:18:30,718 I get comfort in the fact knowing that 379 00:18:30,718 --> 00:18:34,755 those dedicated folks who spend their entire lives 380 00:18:34,755 --> 00:18:38,025 exercising and eating healthy all the time 381 00:18:38,025 --> 00:18:40,795 are still going to die. 382 00:18:46,767 --> 00:18:49,537 I love Walmart because I can buy naval jelly, 383 00:18:49,537 --> 00:18:52,339 petroleum jelly, KY jelly, and grape jelly 384 00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:54,742 all in the same damn place. 385 00:18:57,678 --> 00:19:00,314 But be careful, because only one of those 386 00:19:00,314 --> 00:19:02,516 can be used on toast. 387 00:19:03,984 --> 00:19:09,123 But grape jelly can be used on damn near everything. 388 00:19:09,123 --> 00:19:12,426 Oh, yeah. ♪ Boom chicka wow-wow ♪ 389 00:19:15,496 --> 00:19:16,897 Why do they call it the lazy eye 390 00:19:16,897 --> 00:19:20,134 when it's the one doin' all the looking around? 391 00:19:20,134 --> 00:19:25,306 Ah, ah, ah, ah... hee hee hee! 392 00:19:25,306 --> 00:19:28,242 At least if a guy runs out of clean underwear, 393 00:19:28,242 --> 00:19:30,811 he can still wear a sock. 394 00:19:34,315 --> 00:19:36,150 It's my only wiener joke. I swear to God. 395 00:19:36,150 --> 00:19:38,719 - Okay. 396 00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,455 - One bite of a protein bar, and you'll realize 397 00:19:41,455 --> 00:19:44,191 you'd rather be fat. 398 00:19:44,992 --> 00:19:49,430 Today, I went to a restaurant that had the LGBTQ+: 399 00:19:49,430 --> 00:19:51,298 lettuce, bacon, guacamole, tomato, 400 00:19:51,298 --> 00:19:54,101 quarter-pounder, plus fries. 401 00:19:59,406 --> 00:20:03,577 But I do not want the secret sauce. 402 00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:09,450 Artificial intelligence is what guys get 403 00:20:09,450 --> 00:20:12,753 when they stare at fake boobs. 404 00:20:15,289 --> 00:20:17,925 If the king of beers is Bud, doesn't that mean 405 00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:21,195 the queen of beers is Busch? 406 00:20:22,997 --> 00:20:24,331 And now, you're wondering, 407 00:20:24,331 --> 00:20:26,634 "Why the hell didn't I think of that?" 408 00:20:26,634 --> 00:20:28,669 And that's another installment 409 00:20:28,669 --> 00:20:32,907 of Bubba J's Drinkin' & Thinkin'. 410 00:20:32,907 --> 00:20:35,109 - Say goodnight, Bubba J. 411 00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:36,977 - Thanks, D.C.! 412 00:20:36,977 --> 00:20:39,680 - There we go. 413 00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:48,022 You know, we all get stuck on our smart devices 414 00:20:48,022 --> 00:20:51,492 a little too much of the time, and this guy is no different. 415 00:20:51,492 --> 00:20:53,661 His name is Url, but you spell it U-R-L. 416 00:20:53,661 --> 00:20:56,797 Please help me welcome the new guy, Url. 417 00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:59,733 [rock music] 418 00:20:59,733 --> 00:21:03,237 ♪ ♪ 419 00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:44,278 - Hi, Url. - Hey, dude. 420 00:21:44,278 --> 00:21:46,914 - What are you doing? - I'm texting. 421 00:21:46,914 --> 00:21:50,351 - I know, but why now? 422 00:21:50,351 --> 00:21:52,853 Url? - I'm texting! 423 00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:54,955 - Okay, but you know we have an audience. 424 00:21:54,955 --> 00:21:57,992 - Yeah. A lot of them are texting too. 425 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,328 - Who are you texting? 426 00:22:01,328 --> 00:22:03,764 - I just texted you, "Hi, Jeff." 427 00:22:06,967 --> 00:22:10,404 - It says, "Hi, jerk." 428 00:22:10,404 --> 00:22:13,774 - Oh, damn you, autocorrect. 429 00:22:13,774 --> 00:22:16,076 - Why are you texting when we could be talking? 430 00:22:16,076 --> 00:22:19,580 - Why are you talking when we could be texting? 431 00:22:19,580 --> 00:22:21,615 - You know, Url, speaking in person is a better 432 00:22:21,615 --> 00:22:25,653 form of communication. - Says you, Boomer. 433 00:22:29,056 --> 00:22:30,691 - Okay. How about this? 434 00:22:30,691 --> 00:22:34,194 Did you know that when I was your age, water was free? 435 00:22:34,194 --> 00:22:35,930 - Seriously? - Mm-hmm. 436 00:22:35,930 --> 00:22:39,533 - I guess next you're gonna tell me you paid for porn. 437 00:22:45,172 --> 00:22:47,841 - Actually we did, yeah. 438 00:22:47,841 --> 00:22:52,513 - But today we pay for water, and porn is free. 439 00:22:52,513 --> 00:22:55,049 - That's right. I think we can agree on one thing. 440 00:22:55,049 --> 00:22:56,216 - Good tradeoff? - Yep. 441 00:22:56,216 --> 00:22:58,452 - Cool. - All right. 442 00:23:01,021 --> 00:23:02,456 How about this? 443 00:23:02,456 --> 00:23:04,091 You know, my generation invented the internet 444 00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:05,960 and the personal computer. 445 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:09,296 - Oh, so without you guys, I wouldn't have my phone? 446 00:23:09,296 --> 00:23:11,031 - Probably not. 447 00:23:11,031 --> 00:23:12,633 What are you doing? 448 00:23:12,633 --> 00:23:16,170 - I just gave you the highest compliment someone my age can. 449 00:23:16,170 --> 00:23:17,371 - What's that? 450 00:23:17,371 --> 00:23:20,007 - I just followed you on TikTok. 451 00:23:20,007 --> 00:23:22,209 - Okay, but right now, we're doing a live show 452 00:23:22,209 --> 00:23:23,911 for a live audience. - Why? 453 00:23:23,911 --> 00:23:27,781 They could just stay home and watch it on YouTube. 454 00:23:27,781 --> 00:23:29,483 - It's not gonna be on YouTube. 455 00:23:29,483 --> 00:23:32,052 - Hmm. Yes, it is. 456 00:23:34,388 --> 00:23:36,523 - No one here is recording it. 457 00:23:36,523 --> 00:23:39,493 - Dude, you are dumber than you look. 458 00:23:42,563 --> 00:23:44,231 - You know, things are not as good when 459 00:23:44,231 --> 00:23:47,101 you just see it on a screen. - Yeah? Like what? 460 00:23:47,101 --> 00:23:48,769 - A concert. Sports. 461 00:23:48,769 --> 00:23:50,871 - Sex? 462 00:23:50,871 --> 00:23:53,440 - I would think it's not as good watching on a screen. 463 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,743 - Yeah. You're watching the wrong [bleep]. 464 00:24:01,081 --> 00:24:03,484 - Look, this is a live comedy show. 465 00:24:03,484 --> 00:24:06,120 - I'd rather watch it on TV! - Why? 466 00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:09,923 - I can fast forward through the lame stuff. 467 00:24:09,923 --> 00:24:12,760 - Have you seen any lame stuff so far tonight? 468 00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:14,261 - No. - Thank you. 469 00:24:14,261 --> 00:24:15,863 - Because I've been on my phone. 470 00:24:18,032 --> 00:24:19,600 - So you're addicted to your phone. 471 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,168 - Yeah, and? - Many of us are, 472 00:24:21,168 --> 00:24:23,771 but you don't think too much phone time is a bad thing? 473 00:24:23,771 --> 00:24:25,639 - Just make sure the camera doesn't come on 474 00:24:25,639 --> 00:24:27,708 when you're toilet texting. 475 00:24:29,810 --> 00:24:32,312 - Well, I don't think that's ever happened to me. 476 00:24:32,312 --> 00:24:33,847 - [muffled] Ha ha ha! 477 00:24:39,671 --> 00:24:40,839 - Okay. How about this. Where do you live? 478 00:24:40,839 --> 00:24:43,608 - In a basement apartment. - Okay. 479 00:24:43,608 --> 00:24:45,610 Do you at least talk to your landlord now and then? 480 00:24:45,610 --> 00:24:47,145 Some. Not a lot. - Okay. 481 00:24:47,145 --> 00:24:49,814 - But she does my laundry, makes me pancakes, 482 00:24:49,814 --> 00:24:52,717 and calls me her little angel. 483 00:24:52,717 --> 00:24:54,152 - You mean your landlord is your-- 484 00:24:54,152 --> 00:24:58,523 - Yeah. My effing mom, okay? She's my mom. 485 00:24:58,523 --> 00:25:00,391 - How about your father? 486 00:25:00,391 --> 00:25:02,126 - Oh, you mean the superintendent? 487 00:25:03,828 --> 00:25:05,797 - So it's not really your own place. 488 00:25:05,797 --> 00:25:07,565 You live with your parents. - No! 489 00:25:07,565 --> 00:25:08,800 - Yeah. You live in their basement. 490 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,503 - No. They live in my attic. 491 00:25:13,605 --> 00:25:15,907 - So when do you plan on getting your own actual place? 492 00:25:15,907 --> 00:25:18,943 When you get a job? - Ha ha ha ha ha! 493 00:25:18,943 --> 00:25:21,312 Oh, you're serious. - Yeah. 494 00:25:21,312 --> 00:25:22,914 Do you have any aspirations? 495 00:25:22,914 --> 00:25:25,416 - I'm thinking of becoming a life coach. 496 00:25:25,416 --> 00:25:27,151 - Ah. What's holding you back? 497 00:25:27,151 --> 00:25:30,722 - I gotta get a life. 498 00:25:30,722 --> 00:25:33,258 Hey, what do you do for a job? 499 00:25:33,258 --> 00:25:34,392 - What do I do? - Yeah. 500 00:25:34,392 --> 00:25:36,294 - What do you think this is? 501 00:25:36,294 --> 00:25:38,162 - Your intervention? 502 00:25:40,098 --> 00:25:42,500 - Have you done anything with your life so far? 503 00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:45,203 - Yeah. I have a room full of trophies. 504 00:25:45,203 --> 00:25:48,106 - For what? - Participating. 505 00:25:56,381 --> 00:25:58,750 - Okay. What kind of a job would you like to have? 506 00:25:58,750 --> 00:26:00,752 - I want to be a stay-at-home dad. 507 00:26:00,752 --> 00:26:04,088 With no kids. - All right. 508 00:26:04,088 --> 00:26:06,357 Why do you still live with your parents? 509 00:26:06,357 --> 00:26:08,893 They won't move. 510 00:26:08,893 --> 00:26:10,395 - Have you thought about moving? 511 00:26:10,395 --> 00:26:12,063 - Only when I bring home a girl. 512 00:26:12,063 --> 00:26:14,265 - Ah, okay. How often does that happen? 513 00:26:14,265 --> 00:26:15,567 - It will. 514 00:26:17,669 --> 00:26:19,304 - What about dating? 515 00:26:19,304 --> 00:26:21,706 - You're not my type. 516 00:26:21,706 --> 00:26:24,509 - I didn't mean me. - Oh, now you're a tease. 517 00:26:24,509 --> 00:26:27,278 I hate chicks like you. 518 00:26:27,278 --> 00:26:29,514 - I'm not a woman. - Okay. 519 00:26:29,514 --> 00:26:31,516 You know, you could be. 520 00:26:31,516 --> 00:26:33,217 Yeah. Change a couple of pronouns, 521 00:26:33,217 --> 00:26:36,487 and you're in the ladies' room, my man. 522 00:26:38,456 --> 00:26:40,491 - Url-- - I'm seeing someone, okay? 523 00:26:40,491 --> 00:26:42,026 - Oh! Okay. That's great. Who is she? 524 00:26:42,026 --> 00:26:45,997 - Not exactly sure. I'm stalking her on Instagram. 525 00:26:45,997 --> 00:26:48,700 - Stalking? - Actually, she friended me. 526 00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:50,668 She is totally hot. 527 00:26:50,668 --> 00:26:52,270 - A hot girl wants to be your friend? 528 00:26:52,270 --> 00:26:54,539 - Yeah. I just hope this one is real and not 529 00:26:54,539 --> 00:26:56,274 like that last girl who turned out to be 530 00:26:56,274 --> 00:26:59,677 a guy in a van named Stuart. 531 00:27:00,912 --> 00:27:04,482 - What happened? - Nothing. I swear to God. 532 00:27:04,482 --> 00:27:06,884 - Are you sure? - Yeah. 533 00:27:06,884 --> 00:27:09,120 - What'd your parents think? - My dad didn't care. 534 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:12,256 He said at least it got me out of the effing house. 535 00:27:13,591 --> 00:27:15,526 - You need to meet a girl. A real girl. 536 00:27:15,526 --> 00:27:16,861 - I have one. - You do? 537 00:27:16,861 --> 00:27:18,496 - Yeah. I stole yours. - What? 538 00:27:18,496 --> 00:27:22,500 - Yeah. I had to inflate her again, but she's mine now. 539 00:27:25,470 --> 00:27:28,306 So to find your wife, which hookup app did you use? 540 00:27:28,306 --> 00:27:29,641 - I didn't use an app. 541 00:27:29,641 --> 00:27:31,776 - How'd you let her know you were interested 542 00:27:31,776 --> 00:27:33,611 without swiping right? Did you just shove her 543 00:27:33,611 --> 00:27:36,914 to the right? 544 00:27:36,914 --> 00:27:39,517 - Url, you really need human contact. 545 00:27:39,517 --> 00:27:41,285 - That's what started monkey pox. 546 00:27:44,789 --> 00:27:46,991 - Okay, is there a type of woman you're attracted to? 547 00:27:46,991 --> 00:27:48,693 - Well, I don't want to be canceled, 548 00:27:48,693 --> 00:27:53,698 but I would like to date a woman who is a woman. 549 00:27:53,698 --> 00:27:55,400 - I think that's a reasonable request. 550 00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:59,470 - It's different out there now. One day it's, "Hi, Tommy." 551 00:27:59,470 --> 00:28:02,240 The next day it's, "Hey, Tammy." 552 00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:04,342 Not that there's anything wrong with that, 553 00:28:04,342 --> 00:28:08,079 but don't buy your Christmas presents too early. 554 00:28:09,247 --> 00:28:11,749 Last year, I was like, "Hey, Tammy. 555 00:28:11,749 --> 00:28:14,619 I hope you like your torque wrench." 556 00:28:15,620 --> 00:28:17,255 - Women can use tools. 557 00:28:17,255 --> 00:28:20,191 - Okay, but if my girlfriend has grease on her hands, 558 00:28:20,191 --> 00:28:23,628 I want it to be Vaseline and not Valvoline. 559 00:28:26,130 --> 00:28:28,066 - All right, let's practice some dialogue for the bar. 560 00:28:28,066 --> 00:28:29,867 A little role-playing. - Role-playing. 561 00:28:29,867 --> 00:28:33,971 Does this involve handcuffs and a leather blindfold? 562 00:28:33,971 --> 00:28:37,575 Because I've been down this road before, and it actually 563 00:28:37,575 --> 00:28:40,878 does not have a happy ending. 564 00:28:40,878 --> 00:28:42,980 - Look, I'm gonna pretend I'm a woman. 565 00:28:42,980 --> 00:28:45,817 - That's how the other one started. 566 00:28:47,251 --> 00:28:49,353 - That's really dark. - Only if you let 'em 567 00:28:49,353 --> 00:28:51,456 put on the blindfold. 568 00:28:51,456 --> 00:28:52,757 - Right. - It feels like 569 00:28:52,757 --> 00:28:55,059 you've done this before. 570 00:28:55,059 --> 00:28:56,561 - Just act like I'm a girl you want to meet. 571 00:28:56,561 --> 00:28:58,429 - I'm not that good an actor. 572 00:28:58,429 --> 00:28:59,864 - Just try. 573 00:28:59,864 --> 00:29:01,733 You see me at the bar, and what's the first thing 574 00:29:01,733 --> 00:29:04,502 you'd say to me? - Hey, dude. 575 00:29:04,502 --> 00:29:07,772 - I'm a woman. - I knew it! 576 00:29:07,772 --> 00:29:08,740 - Say good night, Url. 577 00:29:08,740 --> 00:29:09,907 - Thanks, dudes! 578 00:29:09,907 --> 00:29:11,676 - And that's Url, the new guy. 579 00:29:11,676 --> 00:29:13,177 - Later! 580 00:29:20,618 --> 00:29:23,821 - He's purple. He's wacky. 581 00:29:23,821 --> 00:29:26,224 Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut! 582 00:29:26,224 --> 00:29:28,626 [cheers and applause] 583 00:29:28,626 --> 00:29:33,097 ♪ ♪ 584 00:29:37,235 --> 00:29:38,636 - How you doing, Peanut? - Doing pretty good. 585 00:29:38,636 --> 00:29:39,904 How about you? - I'm fine. 586 00:29:39,904 --> 00:29:42,440 - That's good, that's good, that's good! 587 00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:44,742 Ha ha! This is great. 588 00:29:44,742 --> 00:29:46,544 I'm so happy to be here. Do you know what? 589 00:29:46,544 --> 00:29:47,812 - What? 590 00:29:47,812 --> 00:29:49,113 - You are no longer 6 feet away. 591 00:29:49,113 --> 00:29:51,282 - That's right. - 6 feet, 6 feet, 6, feet! 592 00:29:51,282 --> 00:29:53,117 - Will you cut it out? - Okay, Jeff-fa-fa. 593 00:29:59,223 --> 00:30:00,391 - Are you okay? 594 00:30:00,391 --> 00:30:01,492 - I am fine, fine, fine. Fine, fine, fine. 595 00:30:01,492 --> 00:30:03,394 Fine, fine, fine. Fine! 596 00:30:03,394 --> 00:30:04,529 And you know what? 597 00:30:04,529 --> 00:30:05,830 I'm exhausted. - Why? 598 00:30:05,830 --> 00:30:06,965 - I don't know. It started a few days ago. 599 00:30:06,965 --> 00:30:09,033 I'm lightheaded. Got a little cough. 600 00:30:09,033 --> 00:30:10,568 - Are you saying you have COVID symptoms? 601 00:30:10,568 --> 00:30:12,971 - No. I have vegan symptoms. 602 00:30:12,971 --> 00:30:14,739 - Peanut. - I need some cheese. 603 00:30:14,739 --> 00:30:16,808 I'm so weak! Hold me up! 604 00:30:16,808 --> 00:30:18,309 - You're making fun of me. - No. 605 00:30:18,309 --> 00:30:20,044 I just don't know how you eat like that. 606 00:30:20,044 --> 00:30:23,181 All I'd think about would be corn dogs and chicken nuggets. 607 00:30:23,181 --> 00:30:25,483 - Well, after a while, you don't miss the meat. 608 00:30:25,483 --> 00:30:28,786 - Is that what Audrey told you? 609 00:30:30,521 --> 00:30:34,492 [silent laughing] 610 00:30:34,492 --> 00:30:36,728 [inhales] 611 00:30:36,728 --> 00:30:39,897 - You know, the other day I had a really good vegan hotdog. 612 00:30:39,897 --> 00:30:43,634 - [gagging] Dude, I almost hurled. 613 00:30:43,634 --> 00:30:46,404 Next time, hold my hair. - Stop it! 614 00:30:46,404 --> 00:30:48,773 - What the hell's a vegan hotdog anyway? 615 00:30:48,773 --> 00:30:50,708 A limp carrot? 616 00:30:52,477 --> 00:30:56,080 And that, by the way, was his nickname in high school. 617 00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:57,448 - Nope. 618 00:30:57,448 --> 00:31:00,385 - Limp Carrot Jeff-fa-fa 619 00:31:00,385 --> 00:31:03,388 Dunham dot com! 620 00:31:10,328 --> 00:31:12,530 In the locker room, he could make it talk. 621 00:31:12,530 --> 00:31:14,332 - Please stop. 622 00:31:14,332 --> 00:31:16,334 - He made it sound like Mickey Mouse. 623 00:31:16,334 --> 00:31:18,002 "Hi, boys and girls! 624 00:31:19,804 --> 00:31:22,240 You can call me Minnie!" 625 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:24,842 [mic echo] Ha ha! - Stop it! 626 00:31:28,780 --> 00:31:30,448 - [echoing] Ha ha! - Stop it! 627 00:31:30,448 --> 00:31:33,351 You're too close. - Oh, I'm sorry, Jeff. 628 00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:37,955 Am I harassing you? 629 00:31:39,457 --> 00:31:42,026 Sexuallyyyy? 630 00:31:43,361 --> 00:31:46,364 [whispering] Sexuallyyyy! 631 00:31:46,364 --> 00:31:50,902 I could always text you a pic... 632 00:31:50,902 --> 00:31:53,571 of my d-- - Ah-ah-ah! 633 00:31:53,571 --> 00:31:56,240 - Dog. 634 00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:57,575 - Cut it out. 635 00:31:57,575 --> 00:32:01,112 - Eew, I can smell the carrot on your breath. 636 00:32:02,346 --> 00:32:04,182 - Please don't do that. - You mean this? 637 00:32:04,182 --> 00:32:07,819 Cut it out! - Ooh! 638 00:32:07,819 --> 00:32:10,188 Frisky. 639 00:32:10,188 --> 00:32:11,889 Hey, do you know I have a new job now? 640 00:32:11,889 --> 00:32:13,291 - No. What is it? 641 00:32:13,291 --> 00:32:16,661 - I'm director of our new HR department. 642 00:32:16,661 --> 00:32:18,963 That's right, bitches. 643 00:32:20,731 --> 00:32:22,133 - Our HR department? 644 00:32:22,133 --> 00:32:23,935 - Yeah, you know, your company with all of us 645 00:32:23,935 --> 00:32:25,303 employees in the suitcase. 646 00:32:25,303 --> 00:32:27,405 - Why would we need a director of HR? 647 00:32:27,405 --> 00:32:29,173 - Been getting some complaints from the guys 648 00:32:29,173 --> 00:32:31,142 about the offensive nature of your jokes. 649 00:32:31,142 --> 00:32:33,111 Can't say as I blame 'em. 650 00:32:33,111 --> 00:32:34,879 - Do you even know what HR stands for? 651 00:32:34,879 --> 00:32:36,948 - Of course I do. 652 00:32:41,352 --> 00:32:43,287 Hairy rectum? 653 00:32:44,589 --> 00:32:46,757 Was I close? - No, not close. 654 00:32:46,757 --> 00:32:50,428 Human resources. - I was close. 655 00:32:50,428 --> 00:32:53,030 - Again, why do we need an HR department? 656 00:32:53,030 --> 00:32:54,432 - To deal with the working conditions 657 00:32:54,432 --> 00:32:56,167 under you, of course. - What? 658 00:32:56,167 --> 00:32:57,702 - Well, we're forced to tell jokes 659 00:32:57,702 --> 00:33:00,538 that can be taken as offensive, racist, homophobic, 660 00:33:00,538 --> 00:33:02,406 and even anti-purple. 661 00:33:04,342 --> 00:33:06,177 - I really don't know what you're talking about. 662 00:33:06,177 --> 00:33:08,980 - Of course you don't, mainly because you're blanco. 663 00:33:08,980 --> 00:33:11,149 - Because I'm white? 664 00:33:11,149 --> 00:33:13,317 - Mr. Ritz. - Why do you call me Mr. Ritz? 665 00:33:13,317 --> 00:33:16,354 - Because you're a ♪ cracker ♪ 666 00:33:21,159 --> 00:33:23,094 - Really? You just called me a cracker. 667 00:33:23,094 --> 00:33:24,795 - Oh, no. You just called you a cracker, 668 00:33:24,795 --> 00:33:27,899 because you made me call you a cracker, cracker. 669 00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:31,335 - Hilarious. - Not really. 670 00:33:31,335 --> 00:33:33,070 I'm sorry, Mr. Dunham, but clearly 671 00:33:33,070 --> 00:33:35,406 my assistant will need to put all this new information 672 00:33:35,406 --> 00:33:37,475 in a report. - You have an assistant? 673 00:33:37,475 --> 00:33:39,410 - Oh, yeah. He's my right-hand stick. 674 00:33:39,410 --> 00:33:41,979 Uh, vegetable. Let's get him out. 675 00:33:41,979 --> 00:33:44,582 - Okay. - This is Jose Jalapeno 676 00:33:44,582 --> 00:33:46,484 on a "Steek"! 677 00:33:53,624 --> 00:33:57,195 - Good evening, Jose. - Howdy, partner. 678 00:33:57,195 --> 00:33:59,030 - Howdy? Since when do you say that? 679 00:33:59,030 --> 00:34:00,765 - Jose is no longer from Mexico. 680 00:34:00,765 --> 00:34:02,366 - He's not? - No. 681 00:34:02,366 --> 00:34:03,968 - Why not? - So as not to offend any of 682 00:34:03,968 --> 00:34:05,236 our Mexican friends out there. 683 00:34:05,236 --> 00:34:08,139 - Jose is suddenly now no longer Mexican? 684 00:34:08,139 --> 00:34:10,541 - Correct. Jose is now an American-grown pickle. 685 00:34:12,910 --> 00:34:15,947 - He's a pickle? - On a steek. 686 00:34:15,947 --> 00:34:17,515 - Jose, this is ridiculous. 687 00:34:17,515 --> 00:34:19,517 - It is not my fault. - Yes, it is. 688 00:34:19,517 --> 00:34:21,919 - Senor Peanut made me do this. - Shut up! 689 00:34:21,919 --> 00:34:23,187 - And you went along with it, 690 00:34:23,187 --> 00:34:25,089 so now, you're suddenly a pickle? 691 00:34:25,089 --> 00:34:27,124 - Well, I identify as one. 692 00:34:29,427 --> 00:34:32,463 - His pronouns are dill, sweet, gherkin, and kosher. 693 00:34:36,167 --> 00:34:38,402 - Those aren't pronouns. They're adjectives. 694 00:34:38,402 --> 00:34:41,439 - And your adjective is [bleep]. 695 00:34:43,174 --> 00:34:44,575 - That's nice. 696 00:34:44,575 --> 00:34:47,411 - So now Jose is officially from right here. 697 00:34:47,411 --> 00:34:49,480 - No, he's not. - No, I'm not. 698 00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:52,450 I came here on a bus from Martha's Vineyard. 699 00:35:00,091 --> 00:35:01,759 Hey, Senor Jeff. - Yes? 700 00:35:01,759 --> 00:35:03,561 - I just thought of something. - What's that? 701 00:35:03,561 --> 00:35:06,297 - Senor Peanut, you are steekless. 702 00:35:06,297 --> 00:35:08,165 - What? - I said you are steekless. 703 00:35:08,165 --> 00:35:10,334 - I'm okay not having a stick. 704 00:35:10,334 --> 00:35:12,069 - Is that what your girlfriend told you? 705 00:35:12,069 --> 00:35:14,672 - Hey! - All right. 706 00:35:21,279 --> 00:35:24,048 - Well, this human resource thing 707 00:35:24,048 --> 00:35:26,317 seems to be going quite well. - Shut up! 708 00:35:26,317 --> 00:35:29,453 - [throaty laughing] Jah jah jah jah jah jah... 709 00:35:29,453 --> 00:35:33,324 jah jah jah jah jah jah jah 710 00:35:33,324 --> 00:35:36,494 jah jah jah jah jah jah jah jah. 711 00:35:38,162 --> 00:35:42,533 Jah jah jah jah jah jah jah jah jah jah jah 712 00:35:42,533 --> 00:35:44,335 jah jah jah 713 00:35:44,335 --> 00:35:49,507 [growing shriller] jah jah jah jah jah jah jah 714 00:35:49,507 --> 00:35:51,075 jah jah. 715 00:35:51,075 --> 00:35:53,844 [deep inhale] 716 00:35:54,478 --> 00:35:58,015 - Not a lot of air in that stick. 717 00:35:58,015 --> 00:35:59,283 - That's not funny! 718 00:35:59,283 --> 00:36:00,951 - I'm funny. - Not really. 719 00:36:00,951 --> 00:36:02,520 - Hey! 720 00:36:02,520 --> 00:36:06,023 - Maybe you would be funnier if you were on a steek. 721 00:36:06,023 --> 00:36:07,591 - Okay. That's not gonna happen. 722 00:36:07,591 --> 00:36:11,829 - You never know. I did not see it coming. 723 00:36:11,829 --> 00:36:13,230 - How's that? 724 00:36:13,230 --> 00:36:15,466 - One second, I was lying peacefully in the sun. 725 00:36:15,466 --> 00:36:18,169 The next I had a stick crammed up my wazoo, 726 00:36:18,169 --> 00:36:20,938 and I was doing this crap. 727 00:36:20,938 --> 00:36:22,473 - Who did this to you? 728 00:36:22,473 --> 00:36:24,175 - White devil cracker man. 729 00:36:25,676 --> 00:36:26,877 - Say good night, Jose. 730 00:36:26,877 --> 00:36:29,547 - That's Jose Jalapeno... - On a Steek. 731 00:36:29,547 --> 00:36:31,615 - There we go. - Yeah! 732 00:36:34,703 --> 00:36:36,238 - Actually, I'm beginning to sense 733 00:36:36,238 --> 00:36:39,174 that maybe you're no longer a good fit for our company. 734 00:36:41,343 --> 00:36:42,878 - What do you know about human resources? 735 00:36:42,878 --> 00:36:44,446 You're not even human. 736 00:36:44,446 --> 00:36:47,749 - [gasps] That is human shaming! 737 00:36:49,618 --> 00:36:52,454 - That's not even a thing! - It is now, bitch. 738 00:36:52,454 --> 00:36:53,989 - Peanut. 739 00:36:53,989 --> 00:36:56,191 I'm about to give up. 740 00:36:56,191 --> 00:36:58,593 - Okay then. Back to your racist homophobia. 741 00:36:58,593 --> 00:36:59,928 - My what? 742 00:36:59,928 --> 00:37:01,229 - I just want to make sure you don't 743 00:37:01,229 --> 00:37:02,531 make me tell any racist jokes. 744 00:37:02,531 --> 00:37:03,832 - I won't, and I'm not racist. 745 00:37:03,832 --> 00:37:05,200 - Oh, really? 746 00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:08,670 Jose Jalapeno has a Mexican accent. 747 00:37:08,670 --> 00:37:10,372 - Oh, so you're saying that having Jose in the act 748 00:37:10,372 --> 00:37:11,807 is racist? - It is. 749 00:37:11,807 --> 00:37:13,475 - And what if I took him out of the show? 750 00:37:13,475 --> 00:37:15,744 - Well, that's discrimination. 751 00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:20,816 - Do you not see how ridiculous this is? 752 00:37:20,816 --> 00:37:23,418 - You don't wanna have Jose in the show because he's Mexican. 753 00:37:23,418 --> 00:37:24,953 - No. That's what you said. 754 00:37:24,953 --> 00:37:26,888 - Looks like you want to make your show more white. 755 00:37:26,888 --> 00:37:29,758 What happened to diversity? - This is nuts. 756 00:37:29,758 --> 00:37:31,159 - You don't like me right now, do you? 757 00:37:31,159 --> 00:37:32,360 - No, I don't. - It's because I'm purple, 758 00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:33,929 isn't it? - No. It's because 759 00:37:33,929 --> 00:37:36,298 you're annoying. - Oh...my...gosh! 760 00:37:36,298 --> 00:37:38,333 - I don't care what color anyone is! 761 00:37:38,333 --> 00:37:40,902 - I bet you'd be upset if your wife gave birth to a kid 762 00:37:40,902 --> 00:37:44,439 who was the color of me. 763 00:37:45,574 --> 00:37:46,741 Admit it. 764 00:37:46,741 --> 00:37:48,877 - I would be upset, yes, but thankfully 765 00:37:48,877 --> 00:37:50,312 that would never happen. 766 00:37:50,312 --> 00:37:53,014 - Just wait, pal. 767 00:37:53,014 --> 00:37:58,653 Once chicks go lavender, they want me like a scavenger. 768 00:38:06,394 --> 00:38:09,397 Oh, yeah. ♪ Boom chicka wow-wow ♪ 769 00:38:11,132 --> 00:38:12,934 You claim you don't care about race, 770 00:38:12,934 --> 00:38:15,203 but I notice in your time off you're only with white folks, 771 00:38:15,203 --> 00:38:16,805 like your wife and kids. 772 00:38:16,805 --> 00:38:19,307 - They're my family. They're white. 773 00:38:19,307 --> 00:38:21,176 - I'm sorry, but it's no longer PC 774 00:38:21,176 --> 00:38:23,311 to have an all-white family. - What? 775 00:38:23,311 --> 00:38:25,447 - Haven't you seen all the TV commercials lately? 776 00:38:25,447 --> 00:38:27,616 All the families are now mixed races. 777 00:38:27,616 --> 00:38:30,218 There's a Black father, a white mother, an Asian little girl, 778 00:38:30,218 --> 00:38:31,219 and an Indian little boy. 779 00:38:31,219 --> 00:38:34,823 What the [bleep]? 780 00:38:34,823 --> 00:38:37,325 And they all love AT&T. 781 00:38:41,630 --> 00:38:43,365 But seriously, you could get me canceled 782 00:38:43,365 --> 00:38:45,133 from future employment, 783 00:38:45,133 --> 00:38:48,370 so I'm suing your white cracker ass. 784 00:38:48,370 --> 00:38:50,238 - Do you not see how hypocritical this is? 785 00:38:50,238 --> 00:38:51,506 - Oyster. - What? 786 00:38:51,506 --> 00:38:53,675 - Cracker. - Peanut! 787 00:38:53,675 --> 00:38:56,278 - We can all be canceled. - Yeah. This cancel PC culture 788 00:38:56,278 --> 00:38:57,779 thing is getting out of hand. 789 00:38:57,779 --> 00:38:59,581 - Oh, your other hand. 790 00:38:59,581 --> 00:39:03,151 And where is that, pray tell? 791 00:39:03,151 --> 00:39:04,452 But you know what? 792 00:39:04,452 --> 00:39:05,854 There are actually some things we 793 00:39:05,854 --> 00:39:07,389 just don't talk about, right? - Sure. 794 00:39:07,389 --> 00:39:08,623 - It's not funny. - Nope. 795 00:39:08,623 --> 00:39:10,158 - I mean your other hand. - Right. 796 00:39:10,158 --> 00:39:11,626 - Yes. Your right hand. - Yes. 797 00:39:11,626 --> 00:39:15,430 - Just part of my effing job I guess. 798 00:39:15,430 --> 00:39:16,731 - Yeah. - You know it's not 799 00:39:16,731 --> 00:39:19,801 comfortable. - I understand. 800 00:39:19,801 --> 00:39:23,371 - [bass voice] Oh, I don't think you do. 801 00:39:23,371 --> 00:39:26,675 - Well-- - You know that watch you lost? 802 00:39:30,178 --> 00:39:32,580 I found it. 803 00:39:32,580 --> 00:39:34,883 That's right. It was in there. 804 00:39:34,883 --> 00:39:36,351 - No, it wasn't. 805 00:39:36,351 --> 00:39:40,088 - Dude, the alarm went off. 806 00:39:40,088 --> 00:39:41,756 - You heard it? - Nope. 807 00:39:41,756 --> 00:39:44,793 It was on vibrate. 808 00:39:44,793 --> 00:39:45,961 - I'm sorry. 809 00:39:45,961 --> 00:39:48,430 - Actually, that wasn't all that bad. 810 00:39:48,430 --> 00:39:53,868 I started to look forward to every day at 6:00 a.m. 811 00:39:53,868 --> 00:39:58,440 Well, I guess it's about time to get [gasps] u-u-up. 812 00:40:03,144 --> 00:40:08,316 I'm just gonna keep hitting the snooze [gasps] bu-u-utton. 813 00:40:09,951 --> 00:40:12,087 But I think we officially have a new time zone. 814 00:40:12,087 --> 00:40:14,856 - What? - Easter, Pacific, 815 00:40:14,856 --> 00:40:16,891 and Peanut ass time. 816 00:40:20,395 --> 00:40:22,030 - You guys were an awesome audience! 817 00:40:22,030 --> 00:40:24,032 Thanks for coming tonight. We'll see you next time. 818 00:40:24,032 --> 00:40:25,400 Good night! 819 00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:29,304 [cheers and applause] 820 00:40:29,304 --> 00:40:32,374 [rock music] 821 00:40:32,374 --> 00:40:39,347 ♪ ♪ 822 00:40:42,450 --> 00:40:44,319 Thank you, D.C. I have two little guys 823 00:40:44,319 --> 00:40:46,121 I want you to meet here. Jack and James. 824 00:40:46,121 --> 00:40:47,288 Come here, buddies. Come on. 825 00:40:47,288 --> 00:40:48,990 Right now. Let's go! 826 00:40:52,460 --> 00:40:53,728 These are my little guys. 827 00:40:53,728 --> 00:40:55,430 And my beautiful wife Audrey. 828 00:40:57,699 --> 00:40:59,834 Yay! 829 00:40:59,834 --> 00:41:01,169 Wow. What a night. 830 00:41:01,169 --> 00:41:03,038 Thanks for sharing this with us. 831 00:41:03,038 --> 00:41:04,672 What a fun time. Did you guys have fun watching? 832 00:41:04,672 --> 00:41:05,907 - Yeah! - All right. 833 00:41:05,907 --> 00:41:08,176 Did you? - Yeah! 834 00:41:08,176 --> 00:41:09,611 - All right. 835 00:41:10,578 --> 00:41:12,013 Thanks, D.C. Thanks, America. 836 00:41:12,013 --> 00:41:14,482 Good night, everybody. See you next time. 837 00:41:20,997 --> 00:41:27,938 ♪ ♪ 838 00:41:46,556 --> 00:41:49,326 - ♪ MTV ♪ 56979

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