Original subtitles

(alarm buzzing)

Hulk: Listen up, team. It's training time.

That means learning to work together.

Yo, hulkites.

You're getting exclusive access to hulk practice.

Check out how we make smashin' magic.

One side, jones.

(groans)

Hey. Ugh!

Merry christmas, smashers.

Troops are only as good as their weapons,

So come and get 'em.

Here you go, rookie.

The gamma rocket launcher!

Whoa!

Don't say I never did nothing for ya.

Awesome sauce! (launcher charging)

(red groaning)

(coughs)

(nervously chuckling) uh, sorry. Safety was off.

Heya, skaar.

You like stuff what goes boom, don't ya?

Mmm.

Red: The ka-boomerang!

Hmm. (Sniffing)

(growling)

And some fancy hand wear for the lady.

The gamma gauntlets!

Oh, no. These are for everyday use.

Problem with greenie leading is he's too cautious.

You wanna lead, you do it from the front

Like I'm gonna do when I take charge of this unit.

Gotta get the troops on my side first, though.

That's why they got the new hardware.

(sighing) I know red. He's up to no good.

Probably trying to take over the team or some nonsense.

Dibs on this! Hey, I was gonna use the gamma blaster!

We got our weapons. Let's do this.

Give me that remote, jade jaws.

This is my territory.

I've trained raw recruits into special forces elite.

Children, get ready for the hulk smasher 5000.

All right, a-bomb, ball up and hit it low.

Skaar, slash it open so she-hulk can get to the controls.

Red, take long-range firepow... (yelling)

I'll just show you how it's done.

(laughing)

Skaar throw.

Pay attention, fido.

I'll train you. (grunts)

I'm gonna light this baby up, a-bomb style.

Give me that. Hey!

Watch and learn, rookie.

(grunting)

So how exactly is this teamwork?

(red yelling)

Red wants to lead a team.

He just doesn't want anyone else on it.

Don't worry. I'm here to pick up red's pieces.

(charging)

Remind me to slug red when this is over.

(grunting)

(yelling)

You're not gonna one-up me, greenie!

(buzzer)

What are ya, a one-man army?

Save some for the rest of us, green.

Hey, you went all lone wolf.

There's problems out there bigger than tanks, red.

Problems you can't handle alone.

Red: I can handle anything.

(rumbling) whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey now.

(alarm buzzing) earthquake?

What is it?

A planet.

And it's coming this way.

Quick, everybody on the elevator.

Is the end near?

If you're like me and eyeing the sky,

You're seeing a hunk of extinction-sized rock

Racing into our zip code.

The uniforms at s.H.I.E.L.D. Are saying there's nothing to worry about,

And this reporter hopes...

These earthquakes will only get worse

As the planetoid gets closer.

Even if it misses, it'll still tear earth apart.

Planet evil.

So how do we stop it? Put up a detour sign?

Hulk: We need to get a closer look.

Everyone into the jump jet.

No need, green.

I'll do this myself and be back by supper time.

(growls)

All right, I let you take her out,

But you're in my pilot's chair, buddy.

I called shotgun for you, shulkie.

Sit back, relax, and I'll get us out to that rock in no time.

Look, I'm as excited to punch a planet as the next hulk, but...

But nothing.

I've done this a thousand times, greenie.

I'm gonna go ahead and doubt you've ever punched a planet.

Let's see what the professional

Planet smasher has in mind.

Seatbacks and tray tables in the upright position!

Ha ha!

First rule of being in charge,

Be better than the green-grilled noobs you're bossing around.

Good leader does everybody's job better.

I told fury we're taking the first shot.

I figure if we target the planet's poles

We can knock it off course.

Off course? Ha!

I'm blowing that mud ball to smithereens.

(laughs)

Hulk: Nice going, red.

Maybe you could just yell at it next time.

Um, guys? This is weird.

The planet's gravity is doubling.

And we're being sucked right into it.

(grunting)

What is that?

Is it just me, or does that planet

Kinda look like a dude?

Who dares disturb ego?

(gasping) it's a living planet!

Who speaks perfect english.

Does anybody else think that's weird?

Insects.

You have incited ego's wrath.

Know you're in trouble when you tick off a planet with a face.

Ugly planet eat us?

Kinda lookin' that way.

A-bomb: Hulk, if you've got a plan,

Now's the time to share.

Hulk: Your one-man show is over.

Hey!

It's a mutiny, is what it is.

(grunting)

Firing all thrusters.

We're breaking free!

A-bomb: Uh, we're going the wrong way.

Hulk: Gravity's too strong!

Astronaut 1: This is salvation one.

We've lost our visual on the agents of s.M.A.S.H. Over.

Mission control: Copy that. Move into orbit and stand by.

Astronaut 2: Sorry, hulks. You're on your own.

She-hulk: Is that, ugh, hair?

Oh, sick, dude. He's got massive beard tendrils.

We're not getting taken out by some planet's scruffy beard.

Everybody, to your fighters.

Stand down, greenie. I haven't given that... (groaning)

Why do I get the caboose, huh?

Skaar: Skaar shave.

Skaar, look out.

We've lost skaar. We're turning around.

What? We're all going after dog boy?

I'm hit. Going down. (alarm wailing)

We're all going down. (beeping)

If we do, the earth is finished.

(grunting) great.

There goes our ride home.

All right, ya floating ball of ugly.

You and me. Right here. Right now.

Ego has graced this galaxy with his numinous presence,

Absorbing planets to increase his size.

See that big, blue orb up there?

That's our planet, earth.

You're about to wreck the place.

And endanger billions of lives, you jerk.

(grunting)

Ego: Specks of dust.

You mean nothing to ego.

All you have gained is a clear view

Of the destruction of your world.

(roaring)

What are you doing?

I had that rocky jerk right where I wanted him.

I don't know who has the bigger ego,

You or the planet named ego.

Ego may be bigger,

But we still got him outnumbered five to one.

We need to stick together, change his mind.

Change mind?

Maybe smash brain.

From the mouths of barbarians.

Red: If we want to get to its brain,

We go through schnoz mountain over there.

Hulk: We won't get far jumping.

Gravity's too strong.

We walk from here.

You couldn't lead your butt

Out of a pair of purple shorts.

Follow me!

Being a leader isn't about being best at everything.

It's about knowing the strengths of your teammates.

Red: Ha, you see that, hulky?

I got us halfway to the mountain

Safe and sound.

Ah, water.

So thirsty.

Yuck. It's slimy.

(spitting) ugh! Oh! It's drool!

Oh, I put it in my mouth.

Oh, it's chunky.

I can still taste it on my tongue. Ugh!

Wait, if this is drool,

Then we're standing right over ego's...

(rumbling) mouth?

Oh, you gotta be...

(all screaming)

A-bomb: Oh, can it get any worse?

(ego roaring)

Ugh.

His breath is even worse than yours, red.

Hope you get swallowed.

Ego: Now you shall all be devoured!

A-bomb, go!

(grunting)

(ego roaring)

Oh! Uh!

(grunts)

And we're trapped.

And cue the hideous, giant, alien tongue.

(ego screeching)

(yelling) she-hulk: Hulk!

(grunting) feel that, ego?

Skaar make holes in teeth!

Skaar make holes in teeth!

Rick, roll us a path out of here.

(laughing) yeah! Dr. Mouthbomb reporting for surgery.

Mama always said I'd make a great dentist.

(grunting) (grunting) hey.

Follow me. I'm leading this cavity cavalry.

A-bomb: That's kinda impressive on a superhero resume...

"fought giant teeth the size of the stark tower."

Ugh. More drool?

Can it get any more disgusting?

Just wait till we get to the nose.

Yuck.

Big head planet has bad skin.

Ugh. Acid!

Twenty foot acid zits

With the pus and

Giant whiteheads.

(gagging)

(retches)

(groans)

Ah!

Waste your time on zits.

I'm heading to the nose.

Yeah.

Red, get back here!

And I thought I had acne back in high school.

Skaar, make with the boom.

Epic win, skaar.

Way to... (gagging) pop those zits.

Come on. We're getting closer to the earth by the second.

(ego growling)

Uh, as usual, greenie's bunch is lagging behind,

So it's up to me, once again, to get the job done.

Moving out.

(wind howling)

(yelling)

Ugh!

(growling)

No green tag-alongs or slimy snot-ridden booger delta's

Gonna detain general thunderbolt ross.

No siree.

Gotta, ugh, make it,

Gah, to brain.

(beeping) wow. I got a message from our fans.

Oh.

Hulk, you better see this.

(people screaming)

Can't take much more of these gravity quakes.

If you haven't signed your will, better get on it.

Turns out the end is near.

We gotta stop ego. Now.

(straining)

Gonna take more than a mountain of mucus

To halt this charge.

Out of the way, nose goblin!

Burn, you buggers! Burn!

(laughing)

Come at me.

(grunting)

Uh!

(sneezing)

(yelling)

(rumbling)

Hold on.

(laughing)

(groaning)

Your pitiful blue orb is soon to be decimated.

Each and every lowly life form extinguished.

Such is my will.

The will of ego!

Never been trash-talked by a planet before.

Would dish some back, but I need to save my breath.

In the sky you're seeing a hunk of extinction-sized rock

Racing into our zip code.

(people screaming)

(muffled yells)

Ah!

She-hulk: Skaar! Huh?

Ah!

(retching)

Oh! I'm gonna have booger breath for a month.

She-hulk: Tell me about it.

Wait. What happened to hulk?

Astronaut 1: Negative, control.

Still no sign of the hulks.

Astronaut 2: Wait a minute. What is that?

Astronaut 1: It's him.

Astronaut 2: What's he doing out here?

(grunting)

Got it.

Three, two, one... Hulk away.

(roaring)

That's gonna leave a mark.

It's official. I'm mad.

Hoof it, hulks. We're running out of time.

She-hulk: Well, look where the lone wolf cowboy landed.

Red. Slimed. (grunting)

Can we pick him up on the way back?

Like it or not, he's one of us.

Agents of s.M.A.S.H. Look out for each other, jen.

Spoken like a true superhero.

(sputtering)

What are you goons doing here?

I got this.

(chuckling) seriously?

Yeah. I'll show you all.

(growling)

Ah!

(whimpering) (thud)

Can't do everything, red.

And I'm done watching you try while the team gets hurt.

Okay, so what's your big plan?

Only way to the brain is through the sinuses.

But it's closed up.

Skaar: Hulk smash nose hole?

Hulk: Not quite.

But this time we do it together.

Come on, hulks. Yank this nose hair.

This is stupid.

You're gonna get us all snot-rocketed

When he sneezes again.

(groans)

(ego groaning)

Red, hurry! Grab on.

Yeah. Can't sneeze without opening the sinuses.

(sneezing)

(wind howling) (all yelling)

Gesundheit.

Okay, mega sneeze avoided. Now what?

The fun part.

We keep smashing.

(grunting)

(ego groaning)

Ego: You are stepping on the biggest brain

In the known universe.

The greatest mind in all of reality.

You go no further!

Shiny.

That's two you owe me, red.

Bow down to ego and your end will be swift.

Never!

(roaring)

(chuckling) after you, fearless leader.

Whoa! Ha!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

(grunting)

(sighs)

(grunting)

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

(grunting) (grunting)

(grunting)

Bouncy.

(high-pitched voice) look away, insects.

I command you.

Keep away from me.

Yep. It's the dudes with the biggest egos

That are usually the biggest pinheads.

That's what he was all along?

A tiny ego inside a giant planet head?

Wouldn't you know?

You two have a lot in common.

Ugh!

Yes, red monster,

You are powerful like ego.

Join ego and we shall rule the universe.

(nervous giggling)

Put a sock in it, squeaky.

I learned my lesson.

There's no "I" in the agents of s.M.A.S.H.

Stay back.

Help me. Ah!

You got two choices.

A, you get us back to earth

And leave our galaxy forever.

Or, b, we slam-dunk you into the sun.

What'll it be?

Uh...

Ego submits.

Great.

Uh, so how do we get home?

I think I can get us a ride.

(groaning)

Skaar: Bad planet goes away.

She-hulk: And not a minute too soon.

Looks like you hulks saved the day.

(people cheering)

Spider-man's plot has failed.

The planetoid has missed the earth.

Ah. Guess we can thank chance for this one.

I can't believe we're not getting credit for this.

Hulk: Check your ego at the door.

We did this 'cause it was the right thing,

Not to get you a parade.

(groans)

Do I like green?

Nah.

But do I respect him?

Yeah, okay.

Got me there.

Hmm. (chuckling)

Guess it took a planet to show red

Just how big his head is

And us to bring it down to size.

Hulk out.