Original subtitles

(Mary Alice) PREVIOUSLY ON...

I'M GONNA DIE, AND I'D LIKE TO KNOW

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DAUGHTER BEFORE I DO.

WHEN IT COMES TO WISTERIA LANE, THERE ARE OLD CRIMES...

(grunts) NEW CRIMES...

AS SOON AS IT GETS DARK, WE GET RID OF THAT BODY.

AND CRIMES THAT ARE HAPPENING...

RIGHT UNDER EVERYONE'S NOSE.

I'M THINKING IT'S THE APPLEWHITES.

JIM HALVERSON WAS AWARE

THAT HE HAD LITTLE TO OFFER A WOMAN.

HE WAS NEITHER RICH, NOR SMART, NOR HANDSOME.

ARE YOU JIM? I'M SUSAN MAYER.

OH.

SO WHEN HIS FRIEND SET HIM UP ON A BLIND DATE

WITH A BEAUTIFUL STRANGER...

WOW, YOU'RE SO MUCH HOTTER THAN NIKKI SAID YOU'D BE.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?

JIM MADE THE TRAGIC DECISION TO TRY TO BE FUNNY.

NOT A DAY OVER 50. (chuckles)

WHY DON'T WE GET OUR TABLE?

WELL, NO, SEE, THAT WAS FUNNY,

BECAUSE YOU'RE SO OBVIOUSLY NOT 50.

THAT'S WHY I SAID 50, 'CAUSE IT'S ABSURD.

JIM DID EVERYTHING HE COULD TO GET SUSAN MAYER TO LAUGH.

HE TRIED RACIAL HUMOR...

SO GUESS WHAT TIME CHINESE PEOPLE GO TO THE DENTIST?

2:30.

(nervous laughter)

UH, GET IT? "TOOTH-HURTY?"

TOOTH-HURTY.

I LOVE THAT.

HE TRIED TO BE ENGAGINGLY RISQUé...

RECTUM? DAMN NEAR KILLED HIM!

UH, YOU KNOW WHAT A RECTUM IS, RIGHT?

(chokes)

HE EVEN TRIED GENTLE TEASING.

NO, NO, YOU SEE, BY COMPARING YOU TO A NAZI,

I WAS MAKING THE POINT THAT YOU'RE SO NOT A NAZI.

YOU'RE LIKE THE--

AND JUST WHEN JIM THOUGHT

THE DATE COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE....

OH! OH!

OW! OH.

...IT DID.

OKAY, JIM, I NEED YOU TO LOOK UP...

AND DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, SO, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

OH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

IN SOME CULTURES HEAD-BUTTING IS A MATING RITUAL.

YEAH.

DR. McCREADY, CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY HEAD?

AWAY FROM... THE DRAFT?

YEAH, YOU CAN CALL ME DR. RON. EVERYONE DOES.

UH, DR. RON...

I NEED YOU TO PRETEND THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME

AND ADMIT ME FOR THE NIGHT. I'M SORRY?

THIS IS THE WORST DATE I HAVE EVER BEEN ON IN MY LIFE.

THAT MAN IS THE MOST OBNOXIOUS, OFFENSIVE, ANNOYING HUMAN BEING.

AND YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M CRAZY RIGHT NOW,

BUT I WILL BE IF I SPEND ONE MORE SECOND WITH HIM.

SO YOU GOTTA HELP ME. YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

IT'S MY MENTAL HEALTH. MY MENTAL HEALTH!

YOU TOOK AN OATH.

COULD YOU LET GO OF MY LAPEL, PLEASE?

OH, SORRY.

UM, LISTEN, I'M SORRY YOUR DATE'S NOT GOING WELL.

BUT I CAN'T ADMIT YOU, SUSAN.

RIGHT. RIGHT.

JIM, LET'S, UH, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THOSE REFLEXES.

OKAY, I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU, DOCTOR.

WHAT'S THE CORRECT MEDICAL TERM

FOR THE CIRCUMCISION OF A RABBIT?

HARE CUT.

(laughs)

I DON'T-- I ALWAYS--

JIM, I'M GONNA NEED TO KEEP YOU HERE FOR AWHILE,

RUN SOME TESTS. REALLY? I--

YEAH, I'M STILL WORRIED ABOUT THAT BUMP ON YOUR HEAD HERE. OW!

THAT'S STILL...

AND, SUSAN, YOU'RE GOOD TO GO.

AND THOUGH IT ONLY LASTED A MOMENT,

JIM CAUGHT THE LOOK THAT PASSED

BETWEEN HIS DATE...

AND HIS DOCTOR.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, DR. RON.

AND HE SUDDENLY GOT THE FEELING

THE JOKE WAS ON HIM.

***

***

***

THE ANNUAL BLOOD DRIVE WAS A TRADITION ON WISTERIA LANE.

MOST RESIDENTS CAME TO HELP PROMOTE HEALTH AND WELL-BEING,

BUT MY FRIENDS TURNED UP FOR A DIFFERENT REASON.

THEY WERE GROWING INCREASINGLY CONCERNED

THAT THEIR STREET WAS INFECTED

WITH A DANGEROUS KIND OF SICKNESS.

AND THEY CAME TO CONSULT WITH ONE ANOTHER

ABOUT A POSSIBLE CURE.

OH, GREAT, SHE CAUGHT ME STARING.

HAVE YOU GUYS NOTICED HOW FRIENDLY BETTY'S BEEN

SINCE THAT BODY WAS FOUND IN FRONT OF HER HOUSE?

I DON'T TRUST FRIENDLY WOMEN.

THAT'S OKAY. THEY DON'T TRUST YOU, EITHER.

I JUST KNOW THOSE TWO

HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT DEAD BODY.

DO WE EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS?

WELL, THE PAPER SAID THE POLICE ARE WITHHOLDING THE DETAILS.

BREE, MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL IN A FAVOR

FROM YOUR POLICE DETECTIVE PAL, HAVE HIM POKE AROUND.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. YOU COULD HAVE HIM DO

A BACKGROUND CHECK ON THE APPLEWHITES.

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THAT.

WHY NOT? YOU SAID HE WAS NICE.

WELL, ONCE HE STOPPED SUSPECTING ME OF MURDERING REX

HE WAS DELIGHTFUL,

BUT, UM... I DON'T REALLY KNOW HIM.

WELL, SOMEBODY HAS TO DO SOMETHING,

'CAUSE I'M LOSING SLEEP.

BETTY! MATTHEW. HI.

HELLO, EVERYBODY.

SUSAN, A LITTLE BIRDIE TOLD ME YOU'RE HAVING A BIRTHDAY SOON.

WE SHOULD ALL GO OUT AND CELEBRATE.

SUPER.

SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN.

COUNT ME IN.

(Matthew) BYE.

SEE YA.

SO WHY ARE YOU EVERYBODY'S BEST FRIEND ALL OF A SUDDEN?

IF THERE WAS EVER A TIME TO BE NEIGHBORLY,

THIS IS IT.

WE'RE IDIOTS FOR STAYING HERE. I MEAN, WE SHOULD'VE

HIT THE ROAD AS SOON AS THEY FOUND MONROE'S BODY.

I MEAN, HOW DO WE KNOW HE DIDN'T TELL FOSTER

WHERE WE'RE HIDING?

BECAUSE IF HE HAD, FOSTER WOULD'VE SHOWN UP BY NOW.

AND BESIDES, IF WE TAKE OFF, WHAT ARE WE GONNA LIVE ON?

I HAVE ALL OF OUR MONEY TIED UP IN THIS HOUSE.

SO WHY NOT JUST SELL IT?

PATIENCE, MATTHEW. IF WE TAKE OFF RIGHT AWAY,

IT'LL LOOK SUSPICIOUS.

NOW WHAT WE NEED IS A STORY--

A REASON FOR US TO MOVE.

LOOK AT THIS, A-B NEGATIVE.

YEAH, IT'S THE RAREST OF ALL BLOOD TYPES.

WELL, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING IN THE WATER AROUND THESE PARTS.

YOU'RE MY SECOND A-B NEGATIVE TODAY.

SERIOUSLY?

UH, WHO WAS IT?

THAT GUY.

HI, BREE. OH, HI.

I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE ON MY AZALEAS.

THEY'RE JUST THRIVING.

OH, IT WAS NO TROUBLE AT ALL.

SUCH A SHAME I MAY NOT BE AROUND TO ENJOY THEM.

WELL, MY MOTHER HAS TAKEN ILL.

AND MATTHEW AND I, WE'LL PROBABLY GO AND VISIT HER.

WE MAY EVEN BE MOVING.

WE JUST DON'T KNOW YET.

OH, WELL, WHERE DOES SHE LIVE?

OH, BACK IN CHICAGO.

IS IT SERIOUS?

I-I DON'T KNOW YET.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY, I'LL BE SPEAKING WITH HER DOCTOR.

OH, BETTY, IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO,

ANYTHING AT ALL... THANK YOU.

YOU'VE ALREADY DONE SO MUCH.

BYE.

OW! OH!

THAT DR. RON CALLED.

HE NEEDS TO SEE YOU FOR A FOLLOW-UP APPOINTMENT.

HE NEEDS TO SEE ME OR HE WANTS TO SEE ME?

JEEZ, MOM, HOW CUTE IS THIS GUY?

OH, HE COULD BE CUTER... BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.

SO ASK HIM OUT.

OH, NO, I CAN'T DO THAT.

MOM, HE'S A CUTE SURGEON. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

HE'S YOUNG. YOUNG?

YOUNGER THAN ME.

HOW MUCH YOUNGER?

LET'S JUST SAY IF I WAS A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL,

I'D BE SAYING, "WOW, YOU'RE A HOT FIFTH GRADER."

OH, WELL, OF COURSE IT'S GONNA SOUND GROSS

IF YOU SAY IT THAT WAY. BUT YOU'RE BOTH ADULTS.

SO WHY NOT JUST ASK HIM OUT?

'CAUSE THE CONVERSATION COULD GO SOMETHING LIKE THIS,

"DR. RON, I THINK YOU'RE HOT."

"OH, WELL, THANK YOU, MA'AM.

"NOW I THINK IT'S TIME WE TALK ABOUT YOUR HIP REPLACEMENT."

MOM, YOU'RE HOT AND FUNNY AND NICE.

AND... CLEARLY DESPERATE,

AND GUYS ARE INTO THAT.

PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTHS.

THANK GOD YOU'RE HOME.

WHAT'S WRONG? PAT SAID YOU TOLD HER IT WAS AN EMERGENCY!

THE BOYS WERE SENT HOME FROM SCHOOL.

WHAT? WHY? I CALLED. THE MACHINE KEPT PICKING UP.

I KNOW. I KNOW. LOOK, I...

THEY'VE GOT CHICKEN POX.

CHICKEN POX? THAT'S THE EMERGENCY?

THEY'RE TOTALLY CONTAGIOUS.

NOT TO US.

THEY ARE TO ME! I'VE NEVER HAD IT.

WELL, YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT.

YOU KNOW, THE POINT IS, I CAN'T GO IN THERE.

IT'S A HOT ZONE.

WELL, TOM, SOMEBODY'S GOTTA TAKE CARE OF OUR KIDS.

EXACTLY. AND SINCE YOU'RE IMMUNE--

OH, YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING! I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK!

JUST FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS, UNTIL THEY'RE NOT CONTAGIOUS.

IT IS NOT THE EBOLA VIRUS. IT'S CHICKEN POX.

YOU ARE BEING A BABY. YES, I AM.

OKAY.

AND IF YOU THINK I'M BEING A BABY NOW,

DO I NEED TO REMIND YOU OF WHAT I'M LIKE WHEN I'M SICK?

REMEMBER THAT TIME I HAD STREP THROAT?

WE WOUND UP IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING.

I'LL CALL THE OFFICE.

THANKS, HONEY.

UH, MRS. SOLIS, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.

RALPH, IF THIS IS ABOUT LUIS

OVERWATERING THE HYDRANGEAS AGAIN,

I TOLD YOU, NO ONE LIKES A TATTLETALE. MY WIFE LEFT ME.

OH, I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU AND BONITA WERE HAVING PROBLEMS.

WE WEREN'T. UH, IT WAS ALL OF A SUDDEN.

SHE JUST PACKED HER BAGS AND LEFT.

SHE SAID I HAVE AN ILLNESS, AND I NEED TO GET HELP.

WHY?

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

I JUST LIKE TO LOOK AT PRETTY LADIES ON THE INTERNET.

UH-HUH.

AND SURE, THEY'RE NOT ALWAYS DRESSED,

AND SOMETIMES, THERE'S MORE THAN ONE.

BUT I ONLY GO TO THE CLASSY WEB SITES.

THERE'S SOME REALLY SICK STUFF OUT THERE, MRS. SOLIS.

RALPH! MAKE YOUR POINT.

UM, LAST NIGHT, UH, I FOUND THIS NEW WEB SITE.

AND THERE WAS A PICTURE OF A LADY

SITTING ON A BEARSKIN RUG WITH NOTHING ON

EXCEPT FOR A LITTLE POINTY ELF HAT. IT WAS VERY FESTIVE.

UH, RALPH, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?

I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST, UM...

AHEM. I THINK YOU REALLY NEED TO SEE THIS.

OH, MY GOD!

THE LIGHTING LOOKS GREAT ON YOU, MRS. SOLIS.

I MEAN, MOST OF THE TIME, YOU HAVE TO SQUINT AT THE SCREEN

TO SEE ANYTHING REALLY GOOD.

AND NOT HERE, NO, SIR, THAT'S GOOD.

WELL, UM, THANK YOU, RALPH,

FOR BRINGING THIS TO MY ATTENTION.

UH, MRS. SOLIS, I WAS WONDERING...

WOULD YOU SIGN THAT FOR ME?

OH, OKAY.

(grunts)

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO SEE ME?

I CAME EVERY SUNDAY.

YOU WERE JUST TOO OUT OF IT TO KNOW I WAS HERE.

I THINK YOU'RE LYING.

BUT THEN AGAIN, THESE DAYS,

I THINK EVERYONE'S BEEN LYING TO ME.

THE THING IS, YOU'RE HERE NOW.

SO TELL ME WHAT I WANNA KNOW.

DID YOU FIND THE MAN WHO KILLED MY DAUGHTER?

IT WAS A GUY NAMED TODD FORREST--

THIS LOWLIFE DRUG DEALER.

HE GOT HER HOOKED AGAIN.

SHE TRIED TO STEAL FROM HIM, AND HE KILLED HER.

AND I KILLED HIM.

I THOUGHT HEARING THAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD, TOO.

BUT IT DOESN'T.

OW! I'M SORRY.

I WANNA START YOUR I.V., BUT YOUR VEINS ARE KINDA BAD.

WELL, HERE, LET ME HELP YOU.

OH!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE CRAZY!

YOU'RE FIRED. GET OUT.

SO I GUESS WE'RE DONE THEN?

YEAH.

YOU, UH...

YOU GONNA COME SEE ME AGAIN?

YOU PLANNING ON HAVING AN OPEN CASKET?

HEY, GUYS. HEY.

HI, LYNETTE. HI, CARLOS.

ALL RIGHT! A REUBEN? HOW SWEET IS THAT?

LUNCH BROUGHT RIGHT TO THE GOLF COURSE.

I HEAR YOU GOT SOME PRETTY SICK KIDS IN THERE.

OH, IT'S JUST CHICKEN POX.

BUT BRAVEHEART HERE WILL ONLY COME IN TO SLEEP AND SHOWER.

I CAN'T SAY I BLAME HIM.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE SHOOTING BLANKS EITHER.

BE WELL, MY MAN, OKAY? BYE, LYNETTE.

SEE YOU LATER.

I'M SORRY, WHAT DID HE MEAN, "SHOOTING BLANKS"?

OH, IT'S NOTHING. THERE'S JUST A SMALL CHANCE OF STERILITY

IF A GROWN MAN GETS CHICKEN POX, SO...

WE'RE NOT HAVING ANY MORE KIDS. WHY WOULD IT MATTER?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU KNOW, SURVIVAL INSTINCT?

SO THAT IF YOU'RE THE LAST MAN TO SURVIVE A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST,

YOU COULD REPOPULATE THE PLANET?

NO, ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT,

GOD FORBID SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO EITHER ONE OF US,

I'D WANT EITHER ONE OF US TO HAVE, YOU KNOW, OPTIONS.

SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT IF I DIED...

YOU WOULD WANT A SECOND WIFE AND A FAMILY?

MAYBE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE ACTUALLY THOUGHT ABOUT THIS!

HAVEN'T YOU?

THOUGHT ABOUT WHO I'D MARRY IF YOU DIED? HMM. NO.

WELL, HONEY, IT'S A BACK-UP PLAN. I'M NOT GONNA USE IT.

THEN WHY HAVE IT?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BECAUSE...

IT'S LIKE, THERE'S THIS DOOR, RIGHT?

AND I'M NOT PLANNING ON ACTUALLY GOING THROUGH IT

BECAUSE I'M SO HAPPY IN THE ROOM THAT I'M IN.

BUT IN CASE OF FIRE OR FLOOD,

IT'S COMFORTING TO KNOW THAT THE DOOR IS UNLOCKED.

HONEY, I'M NOT THROUGH WITH THAT!

YEAH, WELL, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE

YOUR SECOND WIFE MAKE YOU LUNCH, OKAY? OOPS!

YOU...

BREE, UH, I HAVE TO SAY, I WAS, UH,

I WAS VERY PLEASED TO GET YOUR CALL.

I MEAN, I'M SURPRISED YOU'D WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME

GIVEN OUR RECENT HISTORY.

OH, YOU MEAN YOUR HAVING SUSPECTED ME

OF MURDERING MY HUSBAND?

DETECTIVE, THAT IS ALL WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE NOW.

I AM VERY GLAD TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.

ALTHOUGH, I HAVE TO CONFESS, I DO HAVE AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE.

I NEED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.

OH, WELL, SHOOT, WHATEVER I CAN DO.

WE HAVE THESE, UM, NEW NEIGHBORS--THE APPLEWHITES.

IT'S A MOTHER AND HER SON. THEY JUST MOVED HERE FROM CHICAGO.

AND THEY SEEM VERY NICE.

BUT THERE'S--

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THEM THAT'S... OFF.

THEY'RE... ODD.

ODD? YEAH, THEY'RE SECRETIVE AND WATCHFUL.

AND THERE WAS A DEAD BODY FOUND IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE.

I CAN'T RUN A BACKGROUND CHECK ON YOUR NEIGHBORS FOR BEING ODD.

OH.

IS THAT WHY YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?

TO--TO ASK ME THAT?

YEAH, WHY?

WELL, I JUST-- DURING THE INVESTIGATION,

I JUST THOUGHT THERE WAS A KIND OF A, UM...

SPARK BETWEEN US.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT THIS MIGHT BE A DATE.

UH, NO. I JUST WANTED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.

FINE, NO HARM DONE.

WHEN DO I EVER GET TO HAVE LUNCH

WITH SUCH A LOVELY LADY ANYWAY?

DATE OR... NO DATE.

ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU CAN'T CHECK ON THE APPLEWHITES?

I MEAN, I JUST KNOW THAT THERE'S SOMETHING THERE.

AND, YOU KNOW, I HAVE A SIXTH SENSE ABOUT PEOPLE.

AND YET, YOU GOT ENGAGED TO THE MAN

WHO MURDERED YOUR HUSBAND.

WELL, YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE LOOKS FINE.

YOU'RE FREE TO GO, MRS. MAYER.

YOU MEAN, I'M NOT GONNA SEE DR. RON?

WELL, I DO THE FOLLOW-UP EXAMS.

DR. RON ONLY COMES IN IF THERE'S A PROBLEM.

OH, WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD GO AHEAD AND SEE HIM ANYWAY,

JUST TO BE SAFE.

I'M SORRY. DR. RON'S SCHEDULE IS VERY TIGHT TODAY.

SO UNLESS YOU'RE HAVING A SERIOUS PROBLEM...

YOU'RE EXPERIENCING NAUSEA, CHILLS AND TINGLING, HUH?

YEAH, BUT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

I BET IT'S JUST ALL THE COFFEE I DRINK.

I DRINK WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE.

DO YOU LIKE TO DRINK COFFEE?

UH, NO.

NO.

SO THE TINGLING IS IN YOUR FINGERS AND YOUR TOES?

I SHOULD SWITCH TO JUICE. I KNOW THE BEST JUICE PLACE.

YOU WOULD LOVE IT. DO YOU DRINK JUICE?

WOW. SUSAN, HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU BEEN HAVING

THESE INVOLUNTARY MUSCLE SPASMS?

OH, OH, NOT THAT OFTEN.

I PROBABLY JUST NEED A GOOD MASSAGE.

SUSAN?

YEAH?

I WANNA GET YOU IN FOR AN M.R.I.

OH. OH, OH, NO, I DON'T THINK THAT'S NECESSARY.

ARE YOU A DOCTOR?

I GOT HIGH MARKS IN MATH AND SCIENCE.

I WANNA GET YOU IN FOR AN M.R.I.

MNH-MNH-MNH.

NO, NO, NO, I THINK GIVEN THE MISUNDERSTANDING

THAT I SHOULD GET THE BILL.

I WON'T HEAR OF IT.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL SPLIT IT.

FAIR ENOUGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET ME, UH, LET ME GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME.

DETECTIVE BARTON, IS THIS SOME SORT OF HIGH SCHOOL PLOY

TO GET ME BACK TO YOUR PLACE?

I JUST DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE DRIVING A CAR.

YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING.

I HAD TWO GLASSES OF WINE.

THREE, PLUS THE TAWNY PORT WITH DESSERT.

IT'S ALL HERE ON THE BILL IF YOU WANNA TAKE A LOOK.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I POLITELY REJECTED YOU,

AND NOW YOU'RE GETTING YOUR REVENGE BY EMBARRASSING ME.

YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK. GIVE ME YOUR KEYS.

I AM NOT GIVING YOU ANYTHING.

EXCEPT THE BILL.

(siren wailing)

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

I FOLLOWED YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE OKAY.

YOU WERE WEAVING.

PLEASE STEP OUT OF THE CAR.

OH, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

OUT.

DETECTIVE, I AM NOT DRUNK, AND I AM NOT STUPID.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.

I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO TAKE A SOBRIETY TEST.

A SOBRIETY TEST? I'M NOT TAKING ANY SOBRIETY...

TEST.

THIS BEHAVIOR STEMS FROM THE HURT FEELINGS

OF A MAN WITH VERY LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

THE WORLD IS A BIG PLACE,

AND I'M SURE THERE IS A WOMAN OUT THERE SOMEWHERE

WHO'LL RESPOND TO YOUR MACHO POSTURING.

WELL...

HERE'S HOPING.

BABY, WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE

WILL MOST LIKELY SHOCK AND UPSET YOU.

OKAY.

REMEMBER SCOTT, THE PHOTOGRAPHER I WAS DATING WHEN WE MET?

THE ONE I DUMPED FOR YOU,

WHO NEVER REALLY GOT OVER IT

AND WHO I ALWAYS SAID WAS GONNA GET BACK AT ME? MM-HMM.

OH, CARLOS, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

MOVE.

WHAT IS THIS?

SCOTT'S WEB SITE,

WITH PICTURES OF ME ON IT.

(beeping)

WELL, SAY SOMETHING.

OH, MY GOD.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY--

A NAUGHTY LITTLE CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR MY BOYFRIEND.

OH, MY GOD!

I KNOW, I WAS FREAKISHLY FLEXIBLE BACK THEN.

I'M SORRY!

LOOK, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THIS?

I GUESS I'LL CALL MY LAWYERS.

I GAVE THESE PICTURES TO HIM AS A GIFT. HE OWNS THEM.

THEN I GUESS WE'RE SCREWED.

NOT NECESSARILY. SEE, HERE'S WHAT I'M THINKING--

SCOTT'S A COWARD,

SO YOU COULD TOTALLY PUT THE SCARE INTO HIM.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS GO AND ROUGH HIM UP,

AND HE'LL TAKE MY PICTURES OFF THE WEB SITE LIKE THAT.

I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS YOUR MISTAKE.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIX IT YOURSELF.

AND I WOULD LOVE TO,

BUT I HAVE THE UPPER BODY STRENGTH OF A KITTEN.

I NEED A BRUTE!

GABY, I AM JUST NOW STARTING

TO GET MY RAGE ISSUES UNDER CONTROL.

THIS BRUTE DOESN'T SWING THAT WAY ANYMORE,

SO GO FIND ANOTHER.

WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT PRISON,

DID THEY LEAVE YOU A CONTACT LIST?

SO IS DR. RON GONNA BE HERE FOR THIS?

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

UH, THERE'S A HOOK ON THE WALL THERE

SO GO AHEAD AND GET YOUR STUFF HUNG UP

AND, UH, JUST GET COMFY. DR. RON SHOULD BE HERE PRETTY SOON.

OKAY. OKAY.

(Dr. Ron) IS SHE TRYING TO PUT ON THE DUST COVER?

(man) YEP.

HOW LONG ARE WE GONNA LET THIS GO ON?

JUST A FEW MORE MINUTES.

HI, UH, SUSAN?

It's Dr. Ron.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET UNDRESSED FOR THIS.

OH, UH, I-I, UH...

Then why did you put out a gown?

NO, NO, IT'S NOT A GOWN.

IT'S THE DUST COVER FOR THE M.R.I. MACHINE.

This should take about 45 minutes.

Now I know it's really cramped and uncomfortable in there,

but try not to move.

SUSAN, I REALIZE THAT THIS WHOLE PROCESS

MUST BE TROUBLING FOR YOU.

YEAH, IT'S PRETTY TROUBLING.

WELL, WE'RE GONNA GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.

And I'll be here for you, okay?

HEY, DR. RON?

I JUST HAVE A FEELING

THAT EVERYTHING'S GONNA TURN OUT FINE.

AND WHEN IT DOES...

I'D LIKE TO BUY YOU DINNER

TO CELEBRATE MY HEALTH.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING MAYBE ITALIAN?

OH, WHAT THE HECK, MAYBE WE CAN CALL IT A DATE.

IF YOU LIKE.

DR. RON?

(man) Uh, he left awhile ago.

He got a phone call from his girlfriend.

OH.

OKAY.

THANK YOU.

(whirring)

I'D LIKE TO GET OUT NOW.

Try not to move.

GOOD MORNING, LUIS, RALPH.

(both) GOOD MORNING, MRS. SOLIS.

GOOD MORNING, HONEY.

HEY, YOU'RE TALKING TO ME AGAIN.

WELL, I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID--

ABOUT THE PICTURES-- AND YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT WAS MY MISTAKE AND I HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

I'M LIVING WITH IT!

HEY, TURN AROUND AND KEEP GARDENING!

AW, YOU'RE SO MEAN.

PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON RIGHT NOW.

WHY? YOU EITHER CARE IF MEN LEER AT ME OR NOT.

AND YOU MADE IT CLEAR THAT YOU DON'T. SO WHAT'S THE POINT?

GABRIELLE, I AM NOT BEATING THIS GUY UP FOR YOU!

THEN YOU BETTER THINK OF ANOTHER WAY TO GET MY PICTURES BACK.

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, PEOPLE ON WISTERIA LANE

ARE GONNA BE SEEING A LOT MORE OF ME!

RALPH, LUIS, FEAST YOUR EYES!

AAH! AAH! MY FINGER!

(screaming)

I'LL FIND IT! I'LL FIND IT! AAH, MY FINGER!

IT'S GOTTA BE HERE SOMEWHERE. I'LL LOOK FOR IT, MAN.

DON'T WORRY, MAN. I'LL FIND IT. OH, MY FINGER!

HEY, HONEY, GOOD NEWS.

I CHECKED ON PENNY,

AND SHE DIDN'T SCREAM.

I THINK SHE'S GETTING USED TO THE MASK.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO HAVE OPTIONS, TOM.

IF I DIE, I WANNA HEAR YOUR LIFE WOULD BE OVER.

I WANT YOU TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE SCREAMING,

"IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME ON THAT PLANE!"

PLANE?

I'M ASSUMING THERE WAS A CRASH. IT COULD'VE BEEN SOMETHING ELSE.

OKAY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO HEAR

ABOUT YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT YOUR NEXT WIFE AND KIDS?

I COULD NEVER DO THAT!

I CAN'T IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU.

YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING!

HONEY, YOU'RE MY EVERYTHING.

OKAY, WELL, THAT'S EASY TO SAY,

BUT I NEED YOU TO SHOW ME.

HOW?

WITH A VASECTOMY.

CAN'T I JUST GET YOU SOME FLOWERS?

LOOK, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE ANY MORE KIDS.

AND THE PILL JUST MAKES ME BLOAT. IT'LL BE GREAT!

NO, OKAY, LYNETTE, THIS IS CRAZY. OH, I KNOW! I KNOW!

BUT IT IS WHAT MARRIED PEOPLE DO.

THEY GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO CALM EACH OTHER'S IRRATIONAL FEARS.

OH, COME ON, TOM.

I REALLY NEED YOU TO DO THIS.

WELL, OKAY.

FINE, YEAH.

I'LL MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.

THANK YOU.

HEY, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHIN'?

I'D RATHER YOU DIDN'T.

HOW'D YOU GET STARTED?

STARTED?

YOU KNOW, IN THE ESCORT BUSINESS?

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

I BET THE GUYS GO CRAZY WITH YOUR WHOLE...

CLASSY, REPRESSED THING YOU GOT GOING ON, HUH?

I MEAN, YOUR SKIN HAS, LIKE,

NO PORES.

I AM NOT SURE,

BUT I THINK THERE WAS A COMPLIMENT IN THERE SOMEWHERE,

SO THANK YOU.

BUT I AM NOT AN ESCORT.

HOW MUCH YOU CHARGE A NIGHT?

LOOK, I'M...

(sighs)

$5,000.

WHOA.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO EXACTLY FOR 5 GRAND?

HMM.

ALL RIGHT.

YOUR BAIL CLEARED. YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

YOUR CAR'S AT THE IMPOUND LOT.

AND YOU CAN PICK IT UP IN THE MORNING.

WELL, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET HOME? I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY. CALL A FRIEND.

I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH HUMILIATION FOR ONE DAY.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A BETTER SUGGESTION THAN THAT.

OKAY, WELL, LET ME THINK, UM...

WALK.

(clunk)

OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKES!

(horn honks)

BREE? IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

OH, OH, I'M FINE. I JUST, UM, HAD A FLAT TIRE.

IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY. I'M A WHIZ AT CHANGING TIRES. HOP IN.

YOU KNOW, THANK YOU,

BUT I THINK IT'S ACTUALLY SOMETHING MORE MECHANICAL.

MY CAR HAS BEEN MAKING JUST A TERRIBLE NOISE.

WELL, I HAVE AUTO CLUB.

COME ON.

ACTUALLY, MY CAR HAS BEEN IMPOUNDED BY THE POLICE.

THANKS, BETTY, AND, UM...

I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU COULD KEEP

THIS LITTLE INCIDENT TO YOURSELF.

I WON'T SAY A WORD. I SWEAR.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR,

BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE ON THIS STREET COULDN'T KEEP A SECRET

IF THEIR LIVES DEPENDED ON IT. WELL, BREE,

EVEN IF EVERYONE DOES FIND OUT, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

I MEAN, LOTS OF PEOPLE HAVE D.U.I.s.

YES, BUT THE DIFFERENCE IS MOST OF THOSE PEOPLE

WERE ACTUALLY DRUNK WHEN THEY WERE ARRESTED.

I WAS NOT.

WELL, OF COURSE.

YOU KNOW, YOU SOUND LIKE YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.

WELL, UM, IT'S JUST...

I KNOW YOU'VE GONE THROUGH A LOT LATELY--

THE DEATH OF YOUR HUSBAND, PROBLEMS WITH YOUR SON.

IT WOULD ONLY BE NATURAL IF YOU DID SELF-MEDICATE.

I'M SORRY, BUT SINCE WHEN DO YOU KNOW

SO MUCH ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE?

BREE, IT'S LIKE YOU SAID--

THE PEOPLE ON THIS STREET ARE NOT GREAT AT KEEPING SECRETS.

EXCEPT FOR YOU.

YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT IT.

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

WELL, YOU MOVED INTO YOUR HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

GOD KNOWS WHAT YOU MOVED IN

THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT ANYBODY TO SEE.

PEOPLE HEAR SOUNDS COMING AT ALL HOURS FROM THERE.

AND, OH, WHAT WAS THE LAST ONE? OH, RIGHT--

THEY FOUND A DEAD BODY IN FRONT OF YOUR HOME.

EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT THE APPLEWHITES,

BUT NOBODY CAN FIGURE OUT

EXACTLY WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE HIDING.

SO CONGRATULATIONS. YOUR SECRETS ARE SAFE...

FOR NOW.

EDIE? HI, IT'S BETTY APPLEWHITE.

YEAH, I'M SORRY TO CALL YOU SO LATE BUT, UM...

I REALLY NEED TO MEET WITH YOU FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

YES.

WELL, I'VE DECIDED TO SELL MY HOUSE.

DR. RON?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

UH, WE NEED TO TALK.

AND IT'S NOT THE KIND OF TALK WE CAN HAVE OVER THE PHONE.

OH, ARE YOU SURE?

UM, BECAUSE I WOULD LOOK A LOT BETTER

OVER THE PHONE RIGHT NOW.

UM, SUSAN, YOUR, UH, YOUR TEST RESULTS CAME BACK.

AND FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

NOW BASED ON THE--

ON THE SYMPTOMS YOU WERE DESCRIBING-- SYMPTOMS?

YEAH, THE DIZZINESS, THE TINGLING, THE MUSCLE SPASMS,

THE CHILLS-- IT COULD BE NEUROLOGICAL.

IT ALSO COULD BE BASED ON AN AUTOIMMUNE DISORDER.

I JUST-- FRANKLY, I'M STUMPED.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

HEY, LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA GET THROUGH THIS, OKAY?

(sighs) I AM SO SORRY.

BUT I'M NOT SICK.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

(sighs)

YOUR NURSE WOULDN'T LET ME SEE YOU, AND I...

REALLY WANTED TO SEE YOU,

SO I SORT OF FAKED ALL MY SYMPTOMS.

THE DIZZINESS, THE CHILLS, YOU KNOW, ALL OF IT.

WHY--WHY WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I KNOW. I KNOW. I FEEL REALLY AWFUL.

I AM JUST NOT THE BEST AT MEETING MEN.

AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, AND I SORT OF THOUGHT

THAT MAYBE YOU THOUGHT I WAS CUTE, AND YOU'RE A DOCTOR,

AND THAT'S SO SEXY.

SO I WAS UP ALL NIGHT WORRIED SICK

DIGGING THROUGH MEDICAL BOOKS,

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT SOME MYSTERIOUS DISEASE

THAT DOESN'T REALLY EXIST?

REALLY? YOU WERE UP ALL NIGHT?

YES. I DON'T ENJOY TELLING PEOPLE

I THINK THEY'RE GOING TO DIE.

ESPECIALLY NOT PEOPLE I LIKE. YOU LIKE ME?

YES.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND? WHAT GIRLFRIEND?

THE ONE WHO CALLED IN THE M.R.I. ROOM?

WE HAD ONE DATE. SHE WANTED A REFERRAL TO A DERMATOLOGIST.

SHE'S GOT ECZEMA.

OH!

MAYBE WE COULD GO OUT SOMETIME?

DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?

I LOVE SUSHI. I'M AVAILABLE TOMORROW NIGHT.

NO, NO, NO, TOMORROW'S NO GOOD. I'LL STILL BE ANGRY.

I SHOULD BE COOLED DOWN BY FRIDAY.

OH, UH, FRIDAY'S GOOD.

OH, THERE'S ONE THING--

YOUR M.R.I. SHOWED THAT YOU HAVE A WANDERING SPLEEN.

A WHAT?

IT'S A WANDERING SPLEEN. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

SOMETIMES THE THING JUST MOVES AROUND IN THERE.

BUT WE'LL KEEP AN EYE ON IT.

WANDERING WHAT?

OKAY, GO GET HIM, TIGER.

I CAN'T DO IT, GABY.

WHAT?

I CAN'T GO IN THERE. I THOUGHT I COULD, BUT I CAN'T.

YOU PROMISED!

EVER SINCE I GOT OUT OF PRISON,

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO LEAD A BETTER LIFE.

AND FOR THE FIRST TIME, I CAN HONESTLY SAY

THAT I'M A GOOD CATHOLIC, AND I DON'T WANT TO RUIN THAT.

SO DO THIS TODAY AND GO TO AN EXTRA LONG MASS TOMORROW.

IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.

OKAY, LOOK, I'M REALLY TRYING

TO UNDERSTAND YOUR MORAL DILEMMA HERE, I AM.

BUT IF YOU DON'T GET MY PICTURES BACK,

I'M GONNA BE HUMILIATED.

YOU THINK OUR GARDENER

IS THE ONLY LOCAL PERV SURFING THE WEB?

I'M SORRY, GABRIELLE.

YOU USED TO GO CRAZY

WHEN MEN WOULD SO MUCH AS LOOK AT ME THE WRONG WAY--

AND THAT'S WHEN I HAD CLOTHES ON.

I'M TRYING TO BE BETTER THAN THAT NOW.

OR MAYBE YOU JUST DON'T LOVE ME AS MUCH AS YOU USED TO.

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET ME BE A GOOD PERSON?

YOU KNOW, IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME,

YOU WOULDN'T EVEN ASK ME TO GO IN THERE.

IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK!

(sighs) FINE, FORGET IT.

REALLY?

BE A GOOD PERSON. KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU. I--

YEAH, OKAY, LOOK, LET'S JUST GO HOME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GETTING YOUR PICTURES BACK.

I'M NOT GONNA HURT HIM.

I'LL TALK TO HIM, APPEAL TO HIS BETTER NATURE.

CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M CARLOS SOLIS.

YOU HAVE, UH, NAKED PICTURES OF MY WIFE ON YOUR WEB SITE.

OH.

YOU'RE, UH...

GABRIELLE'S HUSBAND? UH-HUH.

(laughs nervously) WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO TAKE THOSE OFF ANYWAY.

OH.

THAT'S GREAT.

(sighs)

I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS, SCOTT.

HEY, NO PROBLEM.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, GABRIELLE'S PAGES

WEREN'T EXACTLY RAKING IN THE BIG BUCKS FOR ME.

I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.

I'M NOT SAYING GABRIELLE'S NOT A PRETTY GIRL. OF COURSE SHE IS.

BUT, UH, SHE AIN'T EXACTLY INTERNET PRETTY, YOU KNOW?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THE WEB'S ABOUT FANTASY, NOT FASHION.

I MEAN, GUYS SURFING FOR PORN,

THEY DON'T CARE HOW THE CLOTHES ARE HANGING OFF THE BODY.

THEY JUST WANNA SEE THE GOODS.

SO, UH, IF LITTLE MISS NASTY AIN'T ROCKING SOME CURVES...

MY WIFE HAS A PERFECT FIGURE.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

OUR LITTLE GABY KNOWS HOW TO, UH... WORK A RUNWAY,

BUT, UH, WHEN IT COMES TO CYBER LOVIN'?

NO REAL MAN'S GONNA WASTE TISSUE ON THAT.

THERE YOU GO. THAT'S ALL OF 'EM.

SO WE COOL NOW?

(groans)

NOW THAT'S MY GUY.

HEY.

HEY.

YOU'RE NOT LIMPING.

DID EVERYTHING GO OKAY?

I COULDN'T DO IT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I DON'T KNOW.

I GOT THERE, I...

I PUT ON THE PAPER GOWN AND I, UH...

I JUST COULDN'T DO IT.

WHY NOT?

IT FELT LIKE I WAS BEING EMASCULATED.

OH, PLEASE. I'M SERIOUS, LYNETTE.

I DON'T MAKE THE MONEY AROUND HERE ANYMORE.

I DON'T PROVIDE FOR YOU AND THE KIDS.

AND I WASN'T GONNA LET THEM SNIP OUT

THE LAST THING THAT MAKES ME A MAN.

STAYING HOME AND TAKING CARE OF THE KIDS

DOESN'T MAKE YOU LESS OF A MAN.

THAT'S CRAZY.

YOU EXPECT ME TO CALM YOUR IRRATIONAL FEARS?

I EXPECT YOU TO CALM MINE.

ARE YOU SAYING YOU'RE UNHAPPY?

A LITTLE BIT, YEAH.

WELL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, CAN'T WE JUST--

NO, LYNETTE...

I DON'T KNOW.

(sighs)

(beep)

Hi, it's Detective Barton.

Look, I feel awful about what happened the other day.

I was a jerk. So to make it up to you,

I did some sniffing around about the dead man

they found in front of your neighbor's house.

I've got some information.

His name was Curtis Monroe-- a private detective

who lost his license a couple of years ago.

He's apparently from Chicago.

Now I don't know if any of this is helpful, but--

(rewinds)

...a couple of years ago.

He's apparently from Chicago.

Now I don't know if any of this is helpful,

but I just feel terrible about what happened...

ILLNESSES CAN TAKE ON MANY FORMS.

THOSE OF THE BODY ARE EASY TO TREAT.

MUCH MORE DIFFICULT

ARE THE HIDDEN MALADIES THAT FESTER IN OUR HEARTS...

THE SECRET ADDICTIONS THAT CONSUME OUR SOULS...

AND THE DISEASES WE DENY WHICH AFFECT OUR JUDGMENT.

TO SURVIVE, WE NEED TO FIND

THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE WHO CAN HEAL US.

I WORKED SO HARD ALL MY LIFE--

SO HARD.

NOW IT'S ALL NOTHING.

I GOT ONE DAUGHTER I HATE AND ONE WHO HATES ME

AND ONE DEAD BEFORE HER TIME.

NO ONE LEFT FOR ME NOW.

OH, WHAT DID I DO IT FOR?

THAT WAS GOOD.

I DIDN'T FEEL A THING.

I HAVE ENOUGH PAIN.

I DON'T NEED ANYMORE.

BUT WE CAN NEVER PREDICT

WHO WILL HAVE THE CURE FOR WHAT AILS US...

THE OTHER NURSES ALL WARNED ME YOU WERE DIFFICULT, MR. TAYLOR.

...OR WHEN THEY'LL SHOW UP.

BUT I THINK WE'RE GONNA GET ALONG JUST FINE.