Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,062
"Will & Grace" is shot
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:03,087 --> 00:00:05,388
Wish I didn't have to go to work today.
3
00:00:05,422 --> 00:00:06,723
Me too.
4
00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:07,957
Hey, let me know if you find my, uh,
5
00:00:07,992 --> 00:00:09,025
my underwear.
6
00:00:09,059 --> 00:00:10,059
What do they look like?
7
00:00:10,094 --> 00:00:12,462
They look like underwear.
8
00:00:12,496 --> 00:00:15,332
You've been living
with a gay guy too long.
9
00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:17,867
- I'll call you later.
- Wait a sec.
10
00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:20,236
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why? Why?
11
00:00:20,271 --> 00:00:21,704
Why, why do we do this?
12
00:00:21,739 --> 00:00:22,739
What, kiss?
13
00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:24,207
Kissing good-bye.
14
00:00:24,241 --> 00:00:26,376
By definition, it can't lead to anything.
15
00:00:26,410 --> 00:00:28,444
It's like... it's like
having one breadstick
16
00:00:28,479 --> 00:00:30,580
and then leaving the restaurant.
17
00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:32,682
You're a lot of work.
18
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:37,587
Hey.
19
00:00:40,191 --> 00:00:42,659
See, now I want dinner.
20
00:00:42,693 --> 00:00:43,660
Bye.
21
00:00:43,694 --> 00:00:45,528
Bye.
22
00:00:49,934 --> 00:00:52,068
Oh, did I miss Noah again?
23
00:00:52,102 --> 00:00:54,904
Sorry. I was talking on my phone.
24
00:00:54,939 --> 00:00:56,290
You mean this phone?
25
00:00:57,875 --> 00:00:59,108
Why are you avoiding Noah?
26
00:00:59,143 --> 00:01:01,077
I'm not avoiding him. It's just...
27
00:01:01,111 --> 00:01:02,745
He's so opinionated.
28
00:01:02,780 --> 00:01:04,247
He makes me feel...
29
00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:06,182
not self-conscious, what's
the word I'm looking for?
30
00:01:06,217 --> 00:01:08,585
- Terrified?
- Yeah, that's it.
31
00:01:08,619 --> 00:01:11,154
His whole thing is to be mean on Twitter.
32
00:01:11,188 --> 00:01:12,155
That's what you love about him.
33
00:01:12,189 --> 00:01:13,356
Yes, on Twitter.
34
00:01:13,390 --> 00:01:14,791
I didn't know he'd be like that
35
00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:15,792
in real life.
36
00:01:15,826 --> 00:01:17,360
I mean, what if he hates me?
37
00:01:17,394 --> 00:01:19,362
Then you're dating a guy
who hates your best friend.
38
00:01:19,396 --> 00:01:21,164
- That's not good.
- He's gonna love you.
39
00:01:21,198 --> 00:01:22,832
Just give him a chance.
40
00:01:22,867 --> 00:01:24,801
Knock, knock.
41
00:01:24,835 --> 00:01:27,154
Oh, Grace.
42
00:01:27,705 --> 00:01:29,272
What you're wearing
43
00:01:29,306 --> 00:01:33,299
is absolutely stunning.
44
00:01:33,333 --> 00:01:34,912
I...
45
00:01:36,647 --> 00:01:38,948
Have you ever thought of starting
46
00:01:38,983 --> 00:01:41,017
your own clothing line?
47
00:01:41,051 --> 00:01:43,019
- Will, what's happening?
- I don't know.
48
00:01:43,053 --> 00:01:44,838
Karen, are you not high?
49
00:01:49,059 --> 00:01:50,555
Oh, Will.
50
00:01:50,589 --> 00:01:55,298
Your humor, it is a treasure.
51
00:01:55,332 --> 00:01:57,294
Have you ever thought of...
52
00:01:57,295 --> 00:01:58,428
I don't know,
53
00:01:58,463 --> 00:02:00,530
collecting some of your funny
54
00:02:00,565 --> 00:02:02,132
quips and whatnots
55
00:02:02,166 --> 00:02:04,401
and putting them all into an expensive
56
00:02:04,435 --> 00:02:06,318
coffee table book?
57
00:02:07,037 --> 00:02:08,071
What is going on?
58
00:02:08,096 --> 00:02:09,163
Okay, busted.
59
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:10,807
This is a fashion crime scene
60
00:02:10,842 --> 00:02:13,158
and you are clearly a comedy dead zone.
61
00:02:18,082 --> 00:02:19,916
All right. Here's the deal.
62
00:02:19,951 --> 00:02:22,385
I just got off the phone with Accountant
63
00:02:22,420 --> 00:02:26,056
and because of the divorce,
I have to find a tax shelter.
64
00:02:26,090 --> 00:02:28,558
So I have to invest in something
65
00:02:28,593 --> 00:02:31,261
that is guaranteed to lose money.
66
00:02:31,295 --> 00:02:34,231
Big entrance, everybody!
67
00:02:34,265 --> 00:02:36,014
Please. Sit, sit, sit.
68
00:02:37,054 --> 00:02:39,851
I am making a triumphant return
to the theater!
69
00:02:40,605 --> 00:02:41,972
No, no, no, no, can it be, is it true?
70
00:02:42,006 --> 00:02:43,740
What?
71
00:02:43,774 --> 00:02:46,169
Silence, everybody! Yes, it is true.
72
00:02:46,194 --> 00:02:48,428
I have written and set to music
73
00:02:48,453 --> 00:02:50,988
a one-man show about Abraham Lincoln's
74
00:02:51,013 --> 00:02:52,906
long-rumored gay romance.
75
00:02:53,878 --> 00:02:56,743
I'm calling it "Gaybraham Twinkin'."
76
00:02:59,190 --> 00:03:00,759
All I need is a financial backer.
77
00:03:01,783 --> 00:03:04,084
Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner.
78
00:03:07,798 --> 00:03:15,805
Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com
79
00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:18,635
Ah-one, two, three, four,
80
00:03:18,660 --> 00:03:21,896
score. And seven years ago.
81
00:03:21,921 --> 00:03:23,622
Do you like the mix-up of the seven?
82
00:03:23,647 --> 00:03:25,997
Or is it like, one, two, three, seven,
83
00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:29,108
Or, like, jazz hands up here?
Is that better?
84
00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:30,800
It's all good, Jackie.
85
00:03:30,825 --> 00:03:33,460
I want this to be
a creative safe space, so.
86
00:03:33,485 --> 00:03:35,019
If you think something's not perfect,
87
00:03:35,044 --> 00:03:37,412
just yell "Stop," okay?
88
00:03:37,437 --> 00:03:39,739
So far it is everything
89
00:03:39,764 --> 00:03:42,065
Accountant and I could have hoped for.
90
00:03:42,090 --> 00:03:43,724
Thank you.
91
00:03:43,749 --> 00:03:45,976
You know, the mole does a lot
of the work for me, so.
92
00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:49,145
Look at that raccoon
eating that cat food!
93
00:03:51,515 --> 00:03:54,050
It walks just like a people.
94
00:03:55,519 --> 00:03:57,353
Okay, the show's about Lincoln's affair
95
00:03:57,387 --> 00:03:59,321
with young Joshua Speed...
96
00:03:59,356 --> 00:04:01,824
turns out Teddy Roosevelt
wasn't the only president
97
00:04:01,858 --> 00:04:03,143
with a thing for bears...
98
00:04:04,861 --> 00:04:08,464
against the backdrop of the Civil War.
99
00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:11,367
Brother against brother.
100
00:04:11,401 --> 00:04:14,654
Brother... on top of brother.
101
00:04:15,974 --> 00:04:18,875
Oh. Writes itself.
102
00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:20,210
You know, you hear that,
103
00:04:20,244 --> 00:04:21,878
but it's not true.
104
00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:24,381
Right now the whole second act
105
00:04:24,415 --> 00:04:25,916
is just a drawing of a horse.
106
00:04:26,685 --> 00:04:29,553
Seriously, that's all I got.
107
00:04:29,578 --> 00:04:31,979
Anyway, in the 11:00 number,
108
00:04:32,163 --> 00:04:35,132
Gaybraham receives a letter
from his lover.
109
00:04:38,015 --> 00:04:40,347
Why, it's from Joshua.
110
00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:42,590
What a fine hand he has.
111
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,716
And oh, how that hand could relieve
112
00:04:44,741 --> 00:04:47,479
the tensions of my southern uprising.
113
00:04:49,688 --> 00:04:51,055
Is that too much? Not enough?
114
00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:52,820
Oh, mwah. Just right.
115
00:04:52,845 --> 00:04:54,312
Okay.
116
00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:56,562
Let's see what my bosom companion
117
00:04:56,587 --> 00:04:58,542
has to say.
118
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:06,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
119
00:05:07,790 --> 00:05:09,291
♪ "Dear Mr. Lincoln ♪
120
00:05:09,316 --> 00:05:11,517
♪ "Of you, sir, I've been thinking ♪
121
00:05:11,542 --> 00:05:16,079
♪ "And am setting quill to
parchment so you'll know ♪
122
00:05:16,104 --> 00:05:18,439
♪ "That my head is in a fog ♪
123
00:05:18,464 --> 00:05:22,681
♪ "Thinking of your Lincoln log ♪
124
00:05:23,421 --> 00:05:27,558
♪ And how you put the 'man'
in emancipation" ♪
125
00:05:34,038 --> 00:05:35,672
It's not I...
126
00:05:35,901 --> 00:05:38,381
What are you doing here?
127
00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:39,674
Grace said you'd be gone
128
00:05:39,699 --> 00:05:40,913
and to bring a bottle of
129
00:05:40,938 --> 00:05:42,367
Skinnygirl Chardonnay.
130
00:05:44,043 --> 00:05:45,677
She told me to meet her here
131
00:05:45,711 --> 00:05:49,047
and make her a BLT,
double mayo, double chips.
132
00:05:49,081 --> 00:05:50,481
That's my favorite sandwich.
133
00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:52,919
And that's my fav...
I've heard of that wine.
134
00:05:53,719 --> 00:05:55,620
You know what happened here.
135
00:05:55,654 --> 00:05:57,522
She "Parent Trapped" us.
136
00:05:57,556 --> 00:05:58,690
I've never seen that movie,
137
00:05:58,724 --> 00:05:59,891
but if it's about a guy going
138
00:05:59,925 --> 00:06:01,159
to his girlfriend's place
139
00:06:01,193 --> 00:06:03,194
and realizing he's not gonna get laid,
140
00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:05,496
then yeah, we've been "Parent Trapped!"
141
00:06:07,666 --> 00:06:10,201
I got a surprise for you!
Our show poster is here.
142
00:06:10,236 --> 00:06:13,404
What?
143
00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:15,974
"Karen Walker presents"?
144
00:06:16,008 --> 00:06:19,863
You mean my name is gonna be
on this piece of show?
145
00:06:20,626 --> 00:06:23,428
Duh! Everybody's talking about it.
146
00:06:23,453 --> 00:06:24,921
All your friends are coming.
147
00:06:24,946 --> 00:06:29,082
So far I've got RSVP'ed from
Ivanka, Marlo,
148
00:06:29,107 --> 00:06:31,341
all the Huckabee Sanderses...
149
00:06:31,366 --> 00:06:33,400
Oh, my gosh, and they are so supportive.
150
00:06:33,425 --> 00:06:35,211
Okay. Whole new plan.
151
00:06:35,245 --> 00:06:36,995
This play is gonna be good.
152
00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:39,497
- But wasn't that always...
- Less Jack-ting, more acting.
153
00:06:39,531 --> 00:06:40,800
From the top!
154
00:06:41,787 --> 00:06:43,087
Okay. Okay.
155
00:06:43,112 --> 00:06:45,013
And again, if you don't like anything,
156
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:46,489
- just yell, "Stop."
- Okay.
157
00:06:46,514 --> 00:06:47,731
Okay?
158
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:49,007
Ah-one, two...
159
00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:50,375
Stop!
160
00:06:53,268 --> 00:06:54,602
So, uh,
161
00:06:54,636 --> 00:06:56,738
Grace tells me you think
I'm a bit of a dick.
162
00:06:56,772 --> 00:06:58,992
- I never said that.
- I know, I'm just being a dick.
163
00:07:00,542 --> 00:07:03,125
Maybe we should find some common ground.
164
00:07:03,150 --> 00:07:04,450
Okay. You like sports?
165
00:07:04,475 --> 00:07:06,326
- I like ice skating.
- Not a sport.
166
00:07:08,543 --> 00:07:10,912
I'm guessing you prefer theater?
167
00:07:10,937 --> 00:07:13,639
That is such a tired stereotype.
168
00:07:13,664 --> 00:07:14,876
And yeah, I adore it.
169
00:07:15,531 --> 00:07:16,831
Yeah, some plays are okay.
170
00:07:16,856 --> 00:07:19,290
You know? But I... I can't
stand musicals.
171
00:07:19,695 --> 00:07:21,462
Even worse, when they
turn them into movies.
172
00:07:21,497 --> 00:07:23,510
Don't get me started
on "West Side Story."
173
00:07:27,156 --> 00:07:28,923
You don't like "West Side Story?"
174
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:30,315
It's absurd.
175
00:07:30,340 --> 00:07:32,575
It pretends to be a serious exploration
176
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,301
of immigrant plight,
but it's just a bunch
177
00:07:34,326 --> 00:07:35,993
of pirouetting theater majors
178
00:07:36,018 --> 00:07:37,985
in windbreakers and Keds.
179
00:07:38,010 --> 00:07:40,478
Windbreakers are the toughest of jackets.
180
00:07:40,503 --> 00:07:41,653
The FBI wears 'em.
181
00:07:42,565 --> 00:07:44,099
Come on, the guy playing Tony
182
00:07:44,124 --> 00:07:45,425
is distractingly gay.
183
00:07:45,450 --> 00:07:48,786
He is exactly the right level of gay.
184
00:07:48,811 --> 00:07:50,845
The score is breathtaking,
185
00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:52,070
the dancing is superb...
186
00:07:52,095 --> 00:07:54,063
Natalie Wood is completely miscast.
187
00:07:54,088 --> 00:07:55,667
You stop right there.
188
00:07:56,285 --> 00:07:59,320
Ooh, what are you gonna do, snap at me?
189
00:08:01,289 --> 00:08:03,008
It's not up here.
190
00:08:04,139 --> 00:08:05,510
It's a tight snap.
191
00:08:12,964 --> 00:08:14,131
No.
192
00:08:14,165 --> 00:08:15,770
No. Tight.
193
00:08:19,070 --> 00:08:22,027
Ooh, we're both snapping. It's a rumble.
194
00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:24,274
It's stylized choreography.
195
00:08:24,309 --> 00:08:25,476
It's manly in its own way.
196
00:08:25,510 --> 00:08:27,782
Yeah, no, I feel like a Navy SEAL.
197
00:08:29,481 --> 00:08:30,781
Obviously you haven't seen it
198
00:08:30,815 --> 00:08:33,217
in a while, so I'm gonna go get the DVD.
199
00:08:33,251 --> 00:08:34,718
We're gonna watch it right now.
200
00:08:34,753 --> 00:08:36,453
You'll see how great it is.
201
00:08:41,659 --> 00:08:42,759
Hey, Katie.
202
00:08:43,328 --> 00:08:45,696
Hey. Uh, no, I'm, uh,
203
00:08:45,730 --> 00:08:48,539
I'm still working, but I can't
wait to see you later.
204
00:08:48,564 --> 00:08:50,132
Okay. All right.
205
00:08:50,157 --> 00:08:52,125
I love you too. Bye.
206
00:08:53,265 --> 00:08:54,899
You bastard.
207
00:08:59,441 --> 00:09:00,926
No, it's not what you think.
208
00:09:00,961 --> 00:09:02,575
I think you were telling another woman
209
00:09:02,609 --> 00:09:03,776
that you love her.
210
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:06,112
She's not a woman, Will. She's 12.
211
00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:08,323
Oh, my God!
212
00:09:09,866 --> 00:09:13,586
It's my daughter...
what is wrong with you?
213
00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:15,021
You have a daughter?
214
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,422
Why didn't you tell Grace?
215
00:09:16,457 --> 00:09:19,060
Oh, man. I didn't bring it up
the first date
216
00:09:19,094 --> 00:09:20,600
because I didn't think
it was going anywhere.
217
00:09:20,634 --> 00:09:22,328
And then I didn't bring it up
the second date
218
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,130
because I was pretty sure
we were gonna have sex
219
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:28,134
and sometimes having a kid
is a boner-killer for women.
220
00:09:28,927 --> 00:09:30,556
And then I didn't bring it up
on the third date
221
00:09:30,590 --> 00:09:32,082
because by then it was weird
222
00:09:32,116 --> 00:09:34,161
that I hadn't brought it up
on the first two dates.
223
00:09:34,196 --> 00:09:36,180
Look, if I could go back in time,
224
00:09:36,215 --> 00:09:37,677
I'd tell her on the first date.
225
00:09:38,164 --> 00:09:41,266
Of course, if I could
actually go back in time,
226
00:09:41,301 --> 00:09:43,569
I'd kill Hitler, invest in Apple,
227
00:09:43,603 --> 00:09:45,318
then tell Grace.
228
00:09:48,608 --> 00:09:50,976
You know, Grace doesn't
really like to be lied to.
229
00:09:51,010 --> 00:09:53,612
It wasn't a lie, okay?
It was an omission.
230
00:09:53,646 --> 00:09:54,780
Come on, you're a guy.
231
00:09:54,814 --> 00:09:55,781
You've never hidden anything
232
00:09:55,815 --> 00:09:56,782
from someone you were dating?
233
00:09:56,816 --> 00:09:58,016
Nothing this big.
234
00:09:58,051 --> 00:09:59,952
Really? When you were dating Grace,
235
00:09:59,986 --> 00:10:01,587
you didn't withhold certain information,
236
00:10:01,621 --> 00:10:02,919
like...
237
00:10:03,823 --> 00:10:05,357
oh, I don't know,
the fact that you're gay?
238
00:10:05,391 --> 00:10:06,858
Oh, that was completely different.
239
00:10:06,893 --> 00:10:09,092
- How?
- Mine was much worse.
240
00:10:11,664 --> 00:10:13,599
Look. Please don't tell her.
241
00:10:13,633 --> 00:10:14,700
I have to, Noah.
242
00:10:14,734 --> 00:10:16,134
We tell each other everything.
243
00:10:16,169 --> 00:10:18,103
- Is that healthy?
- Not in the slightest.
244
00:10:18,137 --> 00:10:19,811
But now we're dealing with you.
245
00:10:20,673 --> 00:10:22,307
I screwed up, okay?
246
00:10:22,342 --> 00:10:24,343
I need to fix it. And I will.
247
00:10:24,377 --> 00:10:25,984
I care about Grace.
248
00:10:26,879 --> 00:10:28,695
Well, there's our common ground.
249
00:10:30,216 --> 00:10:31,817
You got 24 hours to tell her.
250
00:10:31,851 --> 00:10:34,186
Okay, I'll, I'll tell her
at dinner tomorrow night.
251
00:10:34,220 --> 00:10:35,687
Good, but not during dessert.
252
00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:37,623
You ruin Grace's dessert,
253
00:10:37,657 --> 00:10:38,724
God help you.
254
00:10:42,862 --> 00:10:44,162
Jackie.
255
00:10:44,197 --> 00:10:45,731
I'm gonna take off my producer hat
256
00:10:45,765 --> 00:10:47,466
and put on my friend hat.
257
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:49,034
As a friend,
258
00:10:49,068 --> 00:10:51,503
I love that you're pursuing your passion.
259
00:10:51,537 --> 00:10:53,171
Aw, Karen.
260
00:10:53,206 --> 00:10:55,741
Okay. Gonna put my producer hat back on.
261
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:59,611
Your play sucks harder
than a girl with daddy issues.
262
00:11:02,615 --> 00:11:03,682
But you just said...
263
00:11:03,716 --> 00:11:05,350
That was as a friend.
264
00:11:05,385 --> 00:11:09,021
But as a producer, I can tell you...
265
00:11:09,055 --> 00:11:11,237
Your friends are lying to you.
266
00:11:14,260 --> 00:11:15,742
Well.
267
00:11:16,462 --> 00:11:17,596
Putting on my actor hat,
268
00:11:17,630 --> 00:11:18,597
my writer scarf,
269
00:11:18,631 --> 00:11:19,698
my singer lozenge,
270
00:11:19,732 --> 00:11:21,199
and my dancer character shoes,
271
00:11:21,234 --> 00:11:23,201
I will quote the opening number
of Act Four
272
00:11:23,236 --> 00:11:24,736
when Old Abe says to Dream Ballet Abe,
273
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:27,378
"What the hell have you been
drinkin', Lincoln?"
274
00:11:28,574 --> 00:11:29,574
Okay.
275
00:11:29,609 --> 00:11:33,092
Let me spell this out for you,
Shakes-queer...
276
00:11:36,949 --> 00:11:40,252
If you put a broom on a circus floor
277
00:11:40,286 --> 00:11:42,087
after the elephant parade
278
00:11:42,121 --> 00:11:45,424
and swept it all into one big pile
279
00:11:45,458 --> 00:11:49,150
it would still be a smaller
turd than this thing.
280
00:11:53,399 --> 00:11:56,735
Putting on my friend hat for a moment.
281
00:11:56,769 --> 00:11:58,451
That was hilarious.
282
00:12:01,007 --> 00:12:03,075
But I toss that hat across the room
283
00:12:03,109 --> 00:12:05,077
and get into my serious artist jumpsuit,
284
00:12:05,111 --> 00:12:06,411
and I say to you as long as
285
00:12:06,446 --> 00:12:07,713
I am the lead in this play,
286
00:12:07,747 --> 00:12:09,796
we are gonna do things my way!
287
00:12:10,283 --> 00:12:14,052
As long as you are the lead
288
00:12:14,087 --> 00:12:15,387
of this play,
289
00:12:15,421 --> 00:12:19,514
we are going to do things your way.
290
00:12:32,038 --> 00:12:35,607
Understood.
291
00:12:38,478 --> 00:12:39,778
As long as I am the lead of this play,
292
00:12:39,812 --> 00:12:41,079
we're gonna do things my way...
293
00:12:41,114 --> 00:12:43,037
I mean, that's bulletproof, right?
294
00:12:48,217 --> 00:12:49,917
I'm so mad.
295
00:12:50,461 --> 00:12:52,382
Wait till I tell you
what happened at dinner.
296
00:12:52,407 --> 00:12:53,607
Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
297
00:12:53,641 --> 00:12:55,576
Right? It's my favorite skirt
298
00:12:55,610 --> 00:12:57,111
and the waiter spilled a bowl of soup
299
00:12:57,145 --> 00:12:59,113
all over it.
300
00:12:59,147 --> 00:13:00,214
But you didn't know that.
301
00:13:00,248 --> 00:13:01,982
What are you sorry about?
302
00:13:02,016 --> 00:13:03,784
I'm a gay man.
303
00:13:03,818 --> 00:13:04,952
I can always sense when
304
00:13:04,986 --> 00:13:06,286
something bad has happened
305
00:13:06,321 --> 00:13:08,354
to s-suede.
306
00:13:09,023 --> 00:13:10,457
Wait a minute, what's wrong?
307
00:13:10,492 --> 00:13:12,393
Wine, tissues, charcoal facial masks.
308
00:13:12,427 --> 00:13:13,627
All we need is a box of doughnuts
309
00:13:13,661 --> 00:13:16,130
and it's the Grace Adler comfort kit.
310
00:13:16,164 --> 00:13:17,831
What is that?
311
00:13:17,866 --> 00:13:21,235
- Give it... give... give it...
- Don't... wait!
312
00:13:23,304 --> 00:13:24,438
You know something.
313
00:13:24,472 --> 00:13:25,973
What is going on?
314
00:13:26,007 --> 00:13:28,609
Noah was weird at dinner,
now you're being weird.
315
00:13:28,643 --> 00:13:30,144
It's not my secret to tell.
316
00:13:30,178 --> 00:13:31,445
Now it's a secret?
317
00:13:31,479 --> 00:13:32,813
Is he... Is he dating someone else?
318
00:13:32,847 --> 00:13:34,515
Oh, my God, if I turned another guy gay,
319
00:13:34,549 --> 00:13:36,466
I'm jumping out of the window.
320
00:13:38,186 --> 00:13:39,453
Grace.
321
00:13:39,487 --> 00:13:41,488
I know, you can't turn people gay,
322
00:13:41,523 --> 00:13:43,723
you can only make them wish they were.
323
00:13:48,363 --> 00:13:49,896
He has a daughter.
324
00:13:50,899 --> 00:13:52,833
What?
325
00:13:52,867 --> 00:13:54,650
And he didn't tell me?
326
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:00,607
What else didn't he tell me?
327
00:14:00,642 --> 00:14:02,676
And why wouldn't he tell me?
328
00:14:02,710 --> 00:14:05,045
These are questions
you'd have to ask him.
329
00:14:05,079 --> 00:14:06,547
But you can't ask him.
330
00:14:06,581 --> 00:14:08,382
- Why not?
- Because if you ask him,
331
00:14:08,416 --> 00:14:09,516
he'll know I told you
332
00:14:09,551 --> 00:14:10,517
and I promised him I wouldn't.
333
00:14:10,552 --> 00:14:11,552
Well, why would you do that?
334
00:14:11,586 --> 00:14:12,853
We tell each other everything.
335
00:14:12,887 --> 00:14:13,854
Yeah, but is that healthy?
336
00:14:13,888 --> 00:14:15,963
Oh, we are so far past that.
337
00:14:17,058 --> 00:14:19,193
Where are the doughnuts?
338
00:14:19,227 --> 00:14:22,196
As soon as he is done
explaining to the Uber driver
339
00:14:22,230 --> 00:14:24,998
why he's only getting one star,
340
00:14:25,033 --> 00:14:27,000
I'm getting answers.
341
00:14:27,035 --> 00:14:28,302
No, no, you, you, you...
342
00:14:28,336 --> 00:14:30,404
Look, you want Noah and I to get along.
343
00:14:30,438 --> 00:14:32,072
I-If he finds out that I told you,
344
00:14:32,106 --> 00:14:34,241
that's out the window. He'll hate me.
345
00:14:34,275 --> 00:14:35,709
We'll start snapping at each other.
346
00:14:35,743 --> 00:14:37,068
It'll get ugly.
347
00:14:38,513 --> 00:14:40,747
You can't say anything.
348
00:14:40,782 --> 00:14:42,483
I get it.
349
00:14:42,517 --> 00:14:43,750
You're right.
350
00:14:43,785 --> 00:14:45,886
Okay, fine. I won't say anything.
351
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,221
Hey.
352
00:14:47,255 --> 00:14:48,579
You have a kid?
353
00:14:52,427 --> 00:14:55,896
♪ - You made me love you ♪
354
00:14:55,930 --> 00:14:58,332
♪ You really got your licks in ♪
355
00:14:58,366 --> 00:15:01,008
♪ Below my Mason-Dixon ♪
356
00:15:02,036 --> 00:15:04,071
Can we... can we stop a second?
357
00:15:04,105 --> 00:15:05,906
A-Are you sure this works?
358
00:15:05,940 --> 00:15:08,509
Jon Cryer, anything that doesn't work
359
00:15:08,543 --> 00:15:10,077
is going to change.
360
00:15:10,111 --> 00:15:11,512
Okay, good, because
361
00:15:11,546 --> 00:15:13,413
I-I was a little worried about that part
362
00:15:13,448 --> 00:15:14,882
where you changed the lyric
363
00:15:14,916 --> 00:15:16,750
in the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" to,
364
00:15:16,784 --> 00:15:19,419
"Glory, glory, hole-lelujah?"
365
00:15:19,454 --> 00:15:22,322
Okay, people, let's take it from...
366
00:15:24,659 --> 00:15:27,743
John Wilkes Booth, what is
the meaning of all this?
367
00:15:28,730 --> 00:15:30,697
I've been asking that
question since I got here.
368
00:15:30,732 --> 00:15:32,466
Hush, you, whoever you are.
369
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:34,601
You replaced me with Jon Cryer?
370
00:15:34,636 --> 00:15:36,637
The producers decided to go another way.
371
00:15:36,671 --> 00:15:37,971
You're the only producer.
372
00:15:38,006 --> 00:15:39,940
Yes, and I fought for you, honey,
373
00:15:39,974 --> 00:15:41,909
but I was outvoted.
374
00:15:41,943 --> 00:15:43,137
This is unbelievable.
375
00:15:43,171 --> 00:15:44,878
It's bad enough you recast me
in my own play
376
00:15:44,913 --> 00:15:46,413
but did it have to be with my arch-rival?
377
00:15:46,447 --> 00:15:47,748
We're rivals?
378
00:15:47,782 --> 00:15:50,083
Don't pretend like
you don't know who I am.
379
00:15:50,118 --> 00:15:51,827
I don't have to.
380
00:15:52,587 --> 00:15:55,923
Okay, kittens, let's not
ruin our manicures.
381
00:15:55,957 --> 00:15:57,658
Back to rehearsal.
382
00:15:57,692 --> 00:15:59,775
I don't know if it'll help, but okay.
383
00:16:01,162 --> 00:16:02,729
I don't believe this.
384
00:16:02,764 --> 00:16:04,264
You said you loved this play.
385
00:16:04,299 --> 00:16:05,832
You said you believed in me.
386
00:16:05,867 --> 00:16:08,068
I never said that.
387
00:16:08,102 --> 00:16:10,170
I love this play!
388
00:16:10,204 --> 00:16:12,455
I believe in you.
389
00:16:13,841 --> 00:16:16,944
Yeah. Well, you said I could replace you
390
00:16:16,978 --> 00:16:18,145
if I wanted to.
391
00:16:18,179 --> 00:16:20,314
I never said that.
392
00:16:20,348 --> 00:16:25,018
You can replace me whenever you like.
393
00:16:25,053 --> 00:16:26,802
This is Jack talking.
394
00:16:28,456 --> 00:16:29,990
That's not my voice.
395
00:16:30,024 --> 00:16:33,460
Oh, no one ever thinks
they sound like themselves.
396
00:16:33,494 --> 00:16:35,095
Uh, should I leave?
397
00:16:35,129 --> 00:16:36,830
No, no, Jon Cryer.
398
00:16:36,864 --> 00:16:39,166
I wanna hear the closing speech.
399
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:41,034
If that's all right with you.
400
00:16:41,069 --> 00:16:42,336
Why ask me?
401
00:16:42,370 --> 00:16:44,871
It would appear this partnership is over.
402
00:16:44,906 --> 00:16:47,507
Oh. Then we have nothing
left to say to each other.
403
00:16:47,542 --> 00:16:49,543
This is how our friendship ends.
404
00:16:49,577 --> 00:16:51,445
Stabbed in the back by my best friend
405
00:16:51,479 --> 00:16:53,146
in a theater, just like Lincoln!
406
00:16:55,939 --> 00:16:57,305
You gave me 24 hours!
407
00:16:57,340 --> 00:16:59,008
You gave him 24 hours?
408
00:16:59,042 --> 00:17:00,509
What, are you a Bond villain?
409
00:17:01,895 --> 00:17:03,460
You said you were gonna
tell her at dinner.
410
00:17:03,494 --> 00:17:06,346
I was going to, but she
spilled soup on her skirt.
411
00:17:06,346 --> 00:17:07,814
You said the waiter
spilled soup on your skirt.
412
00:17:07,848 --> 00:17:11,055
Okay, so I lied,
but I'm not the liar here.
413
00:17:12,352 --> 00:17:14,987
And yes, I heard what I just said.
414
00:17:15,022 --> 00:17:16,289
And then I was distracted
415
00:17:16,323 --> 00:17:17,957
because your shirt's been open all night.
416
00:17:17,991 --> 00:17:20,326
It's a look! Read a magazine!
417
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:21,994
I cannot believe that you didn't tell me
418
00:17:22,029 --> 00:17:23,496
that you have a kid!
419
00:17:23,530 --> 00:17:25,385
- You never asked.
- You should have told me
420
00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:26,625
without me having to ask!
421
00:17:26,659 --> 00:17:28,389
You can't get mad at me for
something I didn't tell you
422
00:17:28,424 --> 00:17:30,237
- that you didn't ask.
- You can't get mad at her
423
00:17:30,271 --> 00:17:32,272
for not asking something
that you should have told her
424
00:17:32,307 --> 00:17:33,786
without having to ask!
425
00:17:35,705 --> 00:17:37,111
Wait, wait. Where were we?
426
00:17:37,145 --> 00:17:38,178
The bottom line, you should
427
00:17:38,213 --> 00:17:39,980
have told Grace from the start.
428
00:17:40,014 --> 00:17:40,981
Yeah, you don't think I know that?
429
00:17:41,015 --> 00:17:43,117
Do you have any idea
how hard this has been?
430
00:17:43,151 --> 00:17:44,351
I wanted to tell you.
431
00:17:44,385 --> 00:17:45,652
Well, then why didn't you?
432
00:17:45,687 --> 00:17:46,854
Because I didn't think we'd be here.
433
00:17:46,888 --> 00:17:47,921
Where?
434
00:17:47,956 --> 00:17:49,523
In a living room? New York?
435
00:17:49,557 --> 00:17:50,691
Here. Us.
436
00:17:50,725 --> 00:17:53,100
What do you mean, Noah?
437
00:17:53,135 --> 00:17:54,962
Oh, come on. What are
you doing to me, huh?
438
00:17:54,996 --> 00:17:57,331
You know I have feelings for you.
439
00:17:59,968 --> 00:18:01,480
Did you hear that, Grace?
440
00:18:04,172 --> 00:18:05,443
I did.
441
00:18:07,008 --> 00:18:08,442
But I need to hear more.
442
00:18:08,476 --> 00:18:10,344
Well, I feel good about this.
443
00:18:10,378 --> 00:18:11,612
I-I-I, you know, I think
444
00:18:11,646 --> 00:18:14,148
you guys have... have y-your differences,
445
00:18:14,182 --> 00:18:15,382
but I think if you can get together...
446
00:18:15,416 --> 00:18:17,551
I meant I need to hear more from him.
447
00:18:17,585 --> 00:18:20,320
Right. Right. I'm gonna go.
448
00:18:20,355 --> 00:18:22,389
I'll be in my... I'm just going to, uh,
449
00:18:22,423 --> 00:18:24,458
take my Skinnygirl...
450
00:18:24,492 --> 00:18:27,923
or... whatever it's called, I don't know!
451
00:18:31,199 --> 00:18:32,966
So, we good?
452
00:18:33,001 --> 00:18:34,597
No.
453
00:18:35,770 --> 00:18:37,471
You said you have feelings.
454
00:18:37,505 --> 00:18:38,805
I need to know what that means.
455
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:40,674
Yeah, why? Why? Why do I have to explain?
456
00:18:40,708 --> 00:18:43,410
Because I have spent too much of my life
457
00:18:43,444 --> 00:18:45,579
chasing after emotionally
wishy-washy guys
458
00:18:45,613 --> 00:18:47,347
and I don't have time for it anymore.
459
00:18:47,382 --> 00:18:49,460
I know who I am. I know what I need.
460
00:18:49,494 --> 00:18:51,119
I'm not ready
for this conversation. Okay?
461
00:18:51,154 --> 00:18:52,929
You just said that
you have feelings for me
462
00:18:52,964 --> 00:18:54,488
and now you can't tell me what they are?
463
00:18:54,522 --> 00:18:56,200
Yeah, I need time, all right?
I need time to just...
464
00:18:56,234 --> 00:18:57,891
Okay, all right, you need time?
465
00:18:57,926 --> 00:18:59,399
You have 24 seconds to tell me
466
00:18:59,433 --> 00:19:01,662
how you feel about me.
467
00:19:01,696 --> 00:19:04,198
24 sec... Will gave me 24 hours.
468
00:19:04,232 --> 00:19:05,199
- 19.
- No, oh, come on.
469
00:19:05,233 --> 00:19:06,674
You know how I feel.
470
00:19:06,708 --> 00:19:08,617
- Why do I have to even...
- Ten.
471
00:19:08,642 --> 00:19:09,774
No, oh, okay. Time-out.
472
00:19:09,808 --> 00:19:10,837
- No time-outs.
- Time-out.
473
00:19:10,871 --> 00:19:12,105
- Five.
- Oh, for crying out loud.
474
00:19:12,139 --> 00:19:13,673
- Three, two, one.
- No, no, no.
475
00:19:13,708 --> 00:19:14,836
I'm not gonna be backed into...
476
00:19:14,870 --> 00:19:16,680
I love you!
477
00:19:17,778 --> 00:19:19,012
What?
478
00:19:22,290 --> 00:19:24,063
I didn't hear you when I was buzzing.
479
00:19:28,776 --> 00:19:30,069
You heard me.
480
00:19:32,927 --> 00:19:34,281
I did hear you.
481
00:19:39,425 --> 00:19:41,493
"My dear Joshua.
482
00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:43,924
"It occurs to me that you and I
483
00:19:43,949 --> 00:19:46,794
"Are like the warring factions
in our current conflict.
484
00:19:47,121 --> 00:19:48,488
"While we may quarrel,
485
00:19:48,513 --> 00:19:50,313
"We must take care never to sunder
486
00:19:50,338 --> 00:19:52,639
"The precious ties that bind us.
487
00:19:52,664 --> 00:19:55,099
"For truly, life would hold little joy
488
00:19:55,124 --> 00:19:59,494
if our friendship were to
perish from this Earth."
489
00:20:01,528 --> 00:20:03,096
Beautiful, isn't it?
490
00:20:03,121 --> 00:20:04,922
It is affecting.
491
00:20:04,985 --> 00:20:06,586
I like the part about
492
00:20:06,611 --> 00:20:09,275
nothing coming between a friendship.
493
00:20:11,879 --> 00:20:13,153
Yeah, me too.
494
00:20:14,215 --> 00:20:15,715
Jackie, wait.
495
00:20:16,023 --> 00:20:18,325
I'm gonna take off my producer hat,
496
00:20:18,693 --> 00:20:22,329
bend over, and pull up
my friendship skirt.
497
00:20:24,225 --> 00:20:25,859
This is your play.
498
00:20:25,884 --> 00:20:29,754
Your vision. You do anything you want.
499
00:20:29,779 --> 00:20:31,755
So you don't think it's a big turd?
500
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,175
I can honestly say
501
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,678
it's as good as anything
you've ever done.
502
00:20:42,683 --> 00:20:43,982
Tell me about your daughter.
503
00:20:44,007 --> 00:20:45,141
Well, her name's Katie.
504
00:20:45,433 --> 00:20:47,034
She's 12.
505
00:20:47,335 --> 00:20:49,469
And every time she calls me Dad
506
00:20:49,494 --> 00:20:51,609
I feel like I won something
I don't deserve.
507
00:20:52,026 --> 00:20:53,093
That's so nice.
508
00:20:53,118 --> 00:20:54,151
I bet you're a great dad.
509
00:20:54,181 --> 00:20:55,181
Well, I want to be.
510
00:20:55,276 --> 00:20:56,476
And that's why, that's why
511
00:20:56,501 --> 00:20:57,734
I didn't bring her up at first.
512
00:20:57,759 --> 00:20:59,259
You know? I'm protective.
513
00:20:59,401 --> 00:21:00,901
She means the world to me.
514
00:21:00,926 --> 00:21:02,894
Well, I won't tell anyone.
515
00:21:02,919 --> 00:21:06,351
But you are a lot sweeter
than you pretend to be.
516
00:21:06,376 --> 00:21:08,584
Don't screw with my brand, Adler.
517
00:21:10,351 --> 00:21:12,285
Bye.
518
00:21:12,310 --> 00:21:14,244
So when can I meet her?
519
00:21:14,269 --> 00:21:16,637
Oh, yeah, that's... that's not happening.
519
00:21:17,305 --> 00:21:23,694
Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org
36134
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.