All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0605 - Looking for a Desk in All the Wrong Places

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Hear ye, hear ye.

I am now officially opening
the weekly Bundy baby meeting...

...which we all look forward to
so much.

Dinner time!

Just kidding.

I love you, Peg.

Just kidding.

That was your Daddy.

I know he doesn't sound like much,
but he brings in the big bucks.

Now we shall begin
with the traditional salutation.

- Hail, baby.
- Hail, baby.

The baby is not fooled.

- Hail, baby!
- Hail, baby!

Good. Very good.

The secretary can read the minutes
from our last baby meeting.

You must forgive Kel, Mom.

But she might just come to life
if you say:

- "I just got paid and I wanna get..."
- That's enough.

Now, Bud, I am promoting you
to temporary secretary.

You may read your sister's minutes.

I'm truly honoured.

Hail, baby.

"I can no longer write down...

...the insane bellowing
of what used to be my mother.

This baby is a curse to us all.

Wait, I am supposed to rise
and give a 'Hail, baby.'

There, I've done it.

I feel cheaper than I've ever felt,
and that's saying something."

Hail, baby.
I will now read the minutes.

Hail, baby?

You will say 10 "Hail, babys"
in the privacy of your own room.

And now we will hear
from the treasurer.

According to my research,
it takes $780,000...

...to raise a baby
from birth through college.

Thankfully, since I sold
a shoe last week...

...I am proud to announce...

...that we're now just short $780,000.

Thank you very much.

Hail, baby.

You'll never guess where we went.

To a store called the Sharper Infant.

Everything
for the upwardly mobile baby.

Their motto is:
"Don't believe the father...

...you really can afford it."

That's right.
Nothing's too good for your children.

Well, I didn't mean you two.

I will be so happy when this kid
is older than we are.

Then maybe we'll get some attention.

Al, we're gonna talk.

So could you go sit next to Jefferson
or the dog or something?

Hey, this is my house.
I sit where I want to.

Look at the catalogue.

Nursing bras. And they're sexy!

I'm gonna sit over there now.

Hey, Buck,
any room for me over there, boy?

Please don't, I just ate.

You should've seen this place.
Nothing but "pregnoids."

It's been six months
since I've seen a woman with a waist.

Yeah. Women are never sexier
than when they're pregnant.

- You know what I'd do as president?
- What?

I'd get me a big empty state
no one's using...

...you know, a state like Idaho.

Then I'd get every pregnant woman
in the country...

...I'd stick them
into a doughnut truck...

...and I'd convoy them to Boise.

Since nobody cares
anything about Idaho...

...I'd change the name to "Pregnaho."

He must be talking about
his Idaho plan again.

Oh, Marcie,
there's so many things I want.

I mean, look at this baby bedroom
set. I've just gotta have this.

Oh, Peggy, that's $10,000.

Do you think Al can afford it?

Well, what's it to me?

- Let's go get one.
- Well, actually...

...I'm not buying new furniture
for the baby.

My daughter will inherit
all the precious heirlooms...

...that were passed on to me.

Including a beautiful baby desk
in hot pink with a ruffle.

Well, what if your baby's a boy?

Then let his father
get him something.

Oh, my desk.

I used to have this little tea service.

And at my desk I would hold teas
for all my imaginary friends.

There was Jennifer,
the most popular girl in the school.

Well, she would never really
be my friend, but at my desk...

...she'd drink four or five cups
of my tea. She'd have to.

I'd make her.

Then there was Robert,
the cutest guy in the school.

Normally he'd just throw his milk
in my face, but not at my desk.

Oh, I could see him now.
Kissing my 4-year-old feet.

Lick them, baby.
Lick them, lick them like a dog.

Oh, the times I would have
at my little desk...

...with my little chair
and my little potty...

...where I'd shove
imaginary Jennifer's face every day.

Yeah, new stuff is fine...

...but how can you put a price tag
on memories like those?

Well, I see since your pregnancy...

...you've stopped taking
your little pills, haven't you?

- So now we got Pregnaho.
- Yeah.

And we got "PMSachusetts."

But where we live
is called "Breast Virginia."

That's mean, Al.

She's got you shaking
like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, last month I
stopped paying for her storage unit...

...took the money and went
to the track.

Does that sound like a man
afraid of his wife?

Jefferson, can I have the keys
to the storage unit?

Watch me con my way
out of this one.

What storage unit?

The storage unit where I keep my
precious, irreplaceable baby furniture.

Good night, sweet prince.

Can I have the keys?
I want to show Peggy.

I love you so very deeply.

What have you done
to my baby furniture...

...which means more to me
than five of you?

And you didn't want them
to come over.

I was wrong.

You let them auction off my baby
furniture? My memories? My life?

And there's the windup
and the pitch.

That's out of the park.

Now.

I am going to go
and get my furniture back.

I want you to remain on the floor
and think about what you've done.

Peggy and I are gonna go
to the storage company...

...and get a list of people
who bought my heirlooms.

- Well, why me?
- Because when I get back...

...I want to strip him
of every ounce of human dignity.

And only you can teach me how.

Yeah, she's the best.
She debased me.

You're making me blush.

You know, it's true. When we
were married, he was so cute.

He demanded three meals a day,
clean clothes, and pillows.

It took me three long days.

But, baby, look at him now.

You can get up now, Jefferson.

She told me not to.

Hear ye, hear ye.

I call the third weekly Bundy
anti-baby meeting to order.

If we may begin,
we should don our ceremonial hats.

Set sail, baby.

Now we may begin.

The secretary may read the minutes
from our last meeting.

"After feeding Mom
into a doughnut coma...

...and setting pudding traps,
should she awaken...

...we officially booed the baby
and began the meeting.

Dad, my Daddy...

...once again wept with shame
at his involvement in the pregnancy."

I tell you,
I didn't know what hit me.

"And then Daddy said,
'I tell you, I didn't know what hit me.'

Bud, my brother, recited from
the Bible, quoting the story of Moses.

He suggested we place the baby
in a basket...

...with a couple of quarters
and a blanket...

...and float it down the Ohio River,
verily, to Cleveland."

Set sail, baby.

"Then we had a two-to-one vote
to replace our Mom...

...with a huge-hootered
Oriental woman...

...who had no vocal chords,
no uterus...

...but can fry a steak like a Texan.

Then Mommy woke up and wanted
to know what we were laughing at.

We said, 'Bud.'

He trolled up the stairs
in a little huff...

...and the three of us
laughed at him until dawn.

That was the beginning
of our anti-Bud meeting."

- Hey.
- Now, now, Bud. Hold on.

She's only kidding you.
Only kidding.

Sit down. What's wrong with you?
Don't you know how he feels?

All right, now,
let's get on with the new business.

Has anyone come up with a new name
for the baby?

Shark Bait.

Hemlock.

Piscopo.

- That's a low blow.
- Dad, that's really mean.

I'd like some water.

Why don't you get it yourself?

Marcie told me not to move.

Now, kids, I want you to take
a good look over there...

...and you tell me
what that teaches you.

- Nothing.
- No.

It is that this is the thing can happen
if you let pregnasaurs rule the earth.

Now, we've got one
in our very home.

Are we going to let our own great
red pregzilla do this to us?

No.

Are they going to find us
with our legs up in the air?

Well, I can't speak for Kelly,
but they won't find me like that.

Yeah, right.

Like I've never seen you
like that before...

...whenever Pebbles Flintstone wears
a leopard mini-dress.

Now, now, hold it, now!

Now, kids, we're not out here
to attack each other.

We're here to attack the baby.

- All right, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

Look, it's my blanket.

Mr. Edwin Johansson?

Indeed.

Sir, I understand that you recently
attended an auction...

...where you purchased
my old baby blanket...

...which was knitted
by my Gamma Judy.

Which I used to comfort myself...

...and to suffocate
my imaginary friend Jennifer.

I can see that it means
a great deal to you...

...by the way that it houses your
collection of broken glass and mucous.

But I must have it back at any price.

A hundred grand.

How about a chop
to the Adam's apple?

Easy, Marcie.

Let me handle this.

Now look, Al.

I mean, Edwin.

I wonder how I could've
made a mistake like that.

I have here a gift certificate
for a free pair of women's shoes.

I dared to dream it
and now it comes true.

Peggy, I feel guilty. I can't have you
spend your coupons on me.

Oh, Marcie. Don't worry about it.
I've got thousands of these.

I steal them out of the cash register
when Al's not looking.

So, what do you say, Edwin?

Make it five $500 worth of shoes
and we've got a deal.

Five hundred dollars?

Oh, Marcie, I give away
more than that at Halloween.

Kids just love them.

Give me this blanket.

Tell me, sir...

...how has society
turned its back on you?

The plant close down?
The farm went under? What?

Can I help you get a job?

I already have a job. School teacher.

Demand 340.

- And what else do we want?
- Love and affection.

No. We said it had to be
something we all wanted.

I know, how about clean clothes?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Where does it say
because a woman is pregnant...

...she can't take 18 years
worth of socks...

...dump them in a machine
and push a button?

We're being had, I tell you.

And who says she can't get
the wasps off the roof?

Right. If there were pies up there, you'd
have to get a gun and shoot her down.

I want clean, dry sheets.

Well, you know,
because it gets humid in my room.

Yes, dancing with a rubber woman
can make any room a jungle.

Look at him. He's probably thinking
up ways to make it up to Marcie.

Yeah. It is kind of sweet
when you think about it.

Play it again, Magic Balladeer.

- I'm Topsy.
- I'm Mopsy.

- We're twins. We're your biggest fans.
- We're twins. We're your biggest fans.

What a crummy fantasy.

Yeah, I know, but my wife's mad at me.
It's hard to concentrate.

Hey, here's a little something I know
you girls have been wanting to ask me.

Do you wanna dance

Under the moonlight?

I know. I know.

He must be in great pain.

Okay, so we're agreed.

We show this list to your mother
and we hold firm to our demands.

Rights of the born.
Can I get a "Whoa, born"?

Whoa, born!

Oh, I think you know what you
have to do for backstage passes.

I can't stand to see him
torturing himself like this.

Let's throw him out in the street.

- Mrs. Garcia?
- Yes.

You'll be glad to know that this
is the last stop...

...on an arduous journey to recover
the lost furniture of my childhood.

What?

My desk. My little desk.

Do you mind?

While my friend is paddling
down the river of insanity...

...perhaps we could talk.

Chicken. May I?

Oh, please do.
We keep it out for intruders.

Anyway, it's about this desk.

You see, my friend would really like
to buy it. It means a lot to her.

And over here is where
imaginary Jennifer would sit.

I bet she'd like some nice,
scalding tea in her face.

- What do you think, Jorge?
- Mom.

Anyway, we don't have any money.

But we have a $1000 worth
of shoe coupons.

You see, in this country
my husband is a very powerful man.

He's a shoe salesman.

Really?

In my country, shoe salesmen are
laughed at by beggars and the feeble.

Our countries are very much alike.
Do we have a deal?

Well, I am very touched by your offer
and by your friend's insanity...

...but to my family,
this desk is a symbol of America.

It is the very first thing
that we bought in this country.

And we wanted to pass it down
to generation and generation...

...in our family as a symbol
of hope and freedom.

For, although we are not Americans,
our children can be.

All that highfalutin
talk about hope and freedom...

...sure didn't last through
the threat of calling Immigration.

You're a mighty sick woman, Marcie.

Well, maybe so, maybe so.
But I'm a sick woman with a desk.

Where's Jefferson?

He's out in the backyard
singing "Tiny Bubbles" to Buck...

...but that's not important.

Me and the kids
have something to say to you...

...and all pregnoids like you.

Tell them, kids.

What?

- We love you, Mommy.
- We love you, Mommy.

You should've heard the things Dad
was saying about you and the baby.

Yeah. He was gonna make you
do the laundry.

Yeah. He made us wear these hats.

That's untrue. That's untrue.

Well, I handled my husband.
What are you gonna do?

Al, what are you doing
in my fantasy?

I don't know. Last thing I remember
a frying pan bounced off my head.

But don't mind me...

...I'm on my way to my own fantasy.

Girls...

...there's a Porsche in my fantasy.

Hey.

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