Original subtitles

♪ Let's make the whole year Christmas ♪

♪ No reason to forget this feeling we're feeling now ♪

♪ We gotta keep it going all year 'round ♪

Hey, can one of you hand me the stapler?

Actually, I think I got...

I can't... I'm... whoa!

- Holy shit. - Are you okay?

- I'm good. - Hey, don't you think

we have enough decorations?

I know I went a little overboard.

I just really love Christmas.

I mean, winter holidays.

Dude, it's okay to say Christmas.

No, that was exclusionist.

I love winter holidays.

Damn, those chlamydia pills are huge.

Is that a normal dose or do you just have high bacteria load?

We're not having this discussion.

I didn't know lesbians could get STIs.

Bela, that's so offensive.

Although I didn't know that was a possibility, either.

Okay. They can.

I did. End of talk.

Hey, have you at least told the girls

you were with last week?

I'm treating them how I want to be treated...

By fully ignoring it and taking a pill in peace.

Leighton Murray.

Look, one of those girls gave it to me,

and I didn't get a call.

I'm just following their lead.

I'm with you.

You don't owe them anything.

One of them bugged your bits.

If I were you, I would write them

- a nice, handwritten note. - Nuh-uh.

I'd call so it's not in writing.

If anything, just send them a clap emoji,

a taco emoji, and then a peace sign.

- They'll get it. - All right.

This is not up for discussion.

Everyone stop talking about my "va-zhoon."

Are you irritated?

Is it flaring up?

Ooh, that's a yes.

♪ Put a bow on it ♪

♪ Put a bow on it ♪

♪ Wrap it up in ribbon ♪

♪ Put a bow on it ♪

♪ Put a bow on it ♪

Ladies, I just talked to my rep

from the fertility clinic on the phone,

and you'll never believe it.

Her name is Kimberly, too.

Because it's a very common name.

She and I had a great big laugh about it.

You still feeling good about the whole

selling your eggs thing?

Yeah, I'm actually excited.

The past few months have been so stressful,

and I can't wait to get through this

and feel like a normal college student again.

I'm really happy for you.

Thanks.

Is that noise coming from Jackson's room?

Yeah, it's been happening for a while.

It sounds more mechanical than usual.

Shh, shh, shh. Let me listen.

I have perfect pitch for vibrators.

- I think it's the Kyro Wand. - Hmm.

Well, he's rudely not responding to text messages

or knocking. I'll handle this.

Oh, but what if he's with someone?

Is she...

I think I'm going to go with her.

Yeah, I'm going go, too,

for emotional support.

Okay.

♪ Low tide ♪

♪ Been risin' up the side of my house ♪

- ♪ I'm pacing ♪ - Oh, hey.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey. - Hey.

What's up?

Um, it's a bit loud in here.

Could you keep it down?

Yeah, sorry about that.

I just finished.

You and me both.

- Okay, bye. - Okay, bye.

See you.

Why was that the hottest fucking thing I've ever seen?

I didn't know backs had that many muscles.

- Okay. - Can you guys shut up?

I'm trying to bring that image in for later.

- Hey. - Okay, that'll help.

Kimberly, have you looked at the reading list

- for Irish lit this week? - Yeah, it's way too much.

What does the professor think we are, a bunch of, like...

♪ I heard your call from so far away ♪

Like, people who can read fast?

Yeah. I know.

I was hoping we could split it up.

Maybe we could both read some

and fill each other in on the rest?

Yeah, that's, uh, really smart.

Let's totally do that.

Great.

Oh, my God.

Hmm.

- "That's really smart. - Let's totally do that"

- Let's totally. - Such a nerd.

Let's do that.

♪ I called you baby ♪

So what time are you having sex with Jackson tonight?

I got to charge my noise-canceling headphones.

We're just studying together.

That was a platonic study invite.

Yeah, but it's Jackson.

One time I saw a girl go into his room with a book

and come out with a limp.

You deserve to have some fun.

Let him drill you into that wall

like you're the TV.

Do you guys really think he's trying

to have a sexy study date?

- Yes. - Absolutely.

Better go put on a sexier bra.

And not the beige one.

The options are beige, Lima bean, or black.

- Obviously black. - Black.

Okay.

Oh, good, my brow tinter

can fit me in tonight before Kappa.

Oh, what time are we going to this thing again?

First of all, it's not just a thing.

It is the final rush event.

And I cannot believe that you have made it this far

when you barely rushed and you have

little to no fashion sense.

- What can I say? - When you got it, you got it.

I'm just glad you're giving it a chance.

Hey, this is new Whitney.

She says yes and tries things

because she has literally nothing else going on.

All I want is to be able to text my mom a pic

of me wearing her Kappa pin.

Oh, Leighton, that's so sweet.

After everything with Nico,

she could use some good news.

I didn't think you guys got along.

Just because her name in my phone is "The Babadook"

doesn't mean I don't love the bitch.

Hey, we should go get our nails done.

Why? Yours look great.

Yeah. Yeah, they do.

That was more of a little reminder for you.

Let's go.

- Damn. Okay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

We're finalizing the staff page,

so last call for head shots. Lila?

- Hmm? - Can you send me one

without your boobs on a tray?

You said to highlight my strengths.

Has everyone posted the countdown to our launch

on their stories?

We go live in 10 hours.

How are numbers looking?

Uh, they're a-freaking-mazing.

We are primed to reach one in every eight people on campus.

One in eight?

- Carla, that sucks. - Does it?

- 'Cause I love positivity. - Okay.

Can I talk to someone else about this?

- Jo, maybe? - It turns out a lot of us

share the same social followings.

We're missing a lot of people.

Oh, my God.

A bunch of foot fetishists follow me.

Will that help?

Look, we need to reach more people

or this will never work.

We left "The Catullan," a group that's

a legit feeder to the NBC page program,

to make something better, not worse.

- We need to fix this. - Bela, chill.

I have a lot riding on this.

Yeah, we all do.

But we never thought we were going to have

a big audience right away.

We just have to start small, make good content,

and hopefully people will find us.

Ah. One of my foot guys just texted back.

He said he'll promote us.

What you watching?

Oh, I got my biochem quiz back

and your girl moved from the bottom third of class

to the middle third.

- Hey. Congrats. - Thank you.

But I know I can do better, so I'm watching a video

on what a cellular means because how

can anything have no cells?

That's nonsense.

This study geek vibe on you is so cute.

Oh.

What time should I get to the KJ house tonight?

You said the party starts at 9:00,

so is that like a Black 10:30?

Usually, yes, but, uh, the KissMas party

is our biggest party of the year,

so I would get there early.

Biggest party of the year?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

And I wanted to invite you

to the official after-party.

It's in my room, it's just us,

and it's fully naked.

Hmm.

I will RSVP yes to that.

Mm-hmm.

Gotta get to work.

Okay.

Actually, I want to ask you something.

Will you be my girlfriend?

What the fuck?

Was I not his girlfriend already?

Did you think I was his girlfriend?

Because I thought I was his girlfriend.

Yeah, you definitely called yourself his girlfriend

multiple times, so I can't lie.

- That is embarrassing. - I just... I just don't get

how he didn't consider me his girlfriend

until, like, 14 minutes ago.

Do you think this means he's been

seeing other people? It might, right?

Well, did you ask him if he was seeing other people?

Uh, no. Are you crazy?

You don't ask guys these things.

You ask everyone else you know.

Okay, look. I'm not some successful dater of boys

who can help you with this, but you know who can?

Kappas, all right?

Ask some of the seniors.

I'm sure they've seen it all.

- Yeah. You're right. - Mm-hmm.

You know, I'm starting to see some

of the upsides to being in a sorority.

All: We are Kappa Beta Rho.

We set trends wherever we go. Ask anyone...

- Am I supposed to be scared? - Shh.

All: That a Kappa girl always steals the show.

We are Kappa. Don't you know?

Terrifying.

Leighton?

Natalie? Hi.

Um, I didn't know you were rushing Kappa.

I am.

Hey, can I ask you something?

- Mm-hmm? - Were you just not

gonna tell me you gave me chlamydia?

Mm.

There she is.

Yep, it's me.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Me too.

Me too.

We've got so much stuff to cover.

Hi, Fred from lit class.

Or, as my classmates from poli sci would call me,

- Fred from poli sci. - Yeah.

I ran into Fred and I thought we could make

our study duo into a trio.

Yeah.

Who wants Chex Mix Muddy Buddies?

♪ I taste the sugarplum ♪

♪ It tastes so wonderful ♪

♪ Everything is magical with multicolor ♪

- Okay. - Which do you like better,

this or this?

I came here to have sex, not look at 30 options

of "The Catullan" holiday issue that all look the same.

They don't all look the same.

They have different font sizes and variable kerning.

- Look. - I can't believe I still

want to have sex with you

after what you just said.

Okay.

I got to email this to the print guy.

I need to get it in by 2:00 for same day.

How's your launch looking?

Tonight's the night, right?

Yep, we go live at midnight.

Catullan issue comes out tonight, too.

Little, uh, competition, huh?

- Yeah. - I'm shaking in my thong.

Look, I know it's tough starting a new thing,

but I'm excited to read it.

Well, you'll probably be the only one.

What you're doing is cool.

It's way more impressive than "The Catullan"

just using a bunch of alumni money

to print copies and dump them in front

of every student's door.

Okay. Let's do this.

And, uh, hey, could you bite my neck

like last... last time?

It felt like I was having sex with Edward Cullen.

Yeah, sorry. Um...

- What's... what's happening? - What are you...

Actually, I got to go.

Perfect.

Glad I got completely pants less

for you to leave.

♪ Shh, shh, shh ♪

Hey, uh, so I have an idea.

I can't believe you gave me the clap and didn't tell me.

Okay, who's to say I gave it to you?

You might have given it to me.

You're the only person I've slept with lately.

Okay. Okay.

I know you want to talk about this,

but, um, this is not the time.

I just want you to apologize.

Oh, my God.

Okay, can you just stop?

Can I just Venmo you for the cost of your meds,

and we can leave this very mediocre sex we had behind us?

What was that?

Oh, nothing, heh.

It seemed pretty heated.

It's just Natalie came in

with some very intense, competitive energy.

It didn't feel very Kappa to me, but it's fine.

Oh, really?

No, I shouldn't have said anything.

No, it's important.

We can't let anyone in

that'll throw off the vibes.

We have to preserve the vibes.

I always say that.

It's so funny you mention it, too,

because, like, if a vibe

- is, perchance, thrown... - Yeah.

Nothing ever goes right.

So I thought we were already an official couple,

but then he brings this whole, "will you be my girlfriend"

thing on me. Like, what the hell?

Sounds like you were in a one-sided

situation-ship, babe.

Oh, totally. 100%.

My ex had this whole ho-tation.

He was hooking up with a bunch of girls

every time he went home.

Canaan doesn't seem like he'd do something like that.

Oh, well, they never do, until they do.

Have ever been cheated on?

Uh, yeah.

In the fall, I was seeing this guy and he,

um, yeah.

What's going on here?

We're talking about what to do

when a guy is being sus.

Honestly, the minute a guy

is being sus, I go through his phone.

It has all the answers.

Do I feel great about it? No.

But I'd rather know for sure than waste my time.

Both: Totally.

Uh, thanks.

I don't think I could do that,

but I appreciate the convo.

Okay, that's all I've got for Seamus Heaney.

That's so helpful.

I read some of the McDonagh stuff.

Hope my notes are okay.

- Oh, hang on. - My Chinese food is here.

And don't worry, I got dumplings for the table.

It's so nice we get to do this with Fred.

Hey, I'm happy we got a second alone

'cause I want to tell you there's another reason

why I asked you over.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

I don't know how you're feeling, but...

Fred's, like, really into you.

- Huh? - Yeah.

He asked me if I could link you guys up,

so that's why I invited him over.

So what do you think?

Of Fred?

Fred who showed us his digital trading cards?

He seems like a really sweet guy.

Got the food.

Sorry I took so long.

You were gone for, like, 10 seconds.

So who's hungry?

♪ Everybody needs somebody ♪

Okay. You got this, girls.

Oh, we absolutely do.

♪ I need somebody ♪

Be right out.

If this works, we're going to get

so many subscribers.

Yeah, but aren't you worried

that Eric's going to get pissed

and fog up his little glasses?

No, he'll be fine.

He knows we're competing.

He said to himself.

I was really looking forward to never

seeing this guy Roy again.

He thinks I'm Eric's assistant.

And he always taps my hands with his damp fingers.

Hey, Roy. Nice to see you.

You too, sweetie.

How can I help "The Catullan's" best gal today?

Oh, wow.

Hi, Roy.

I'm Bela, and we little ladies could use your help.

There was one last edit to the cover art

for tonight's issue,

but we forgot to make it

before Eric sent it to you.

And if we don't fix this,

we're going to be in big trouble.

The approved cover's on here.

Will you help us girls out?

Of course, sweetie.

Ugh.

Oh, my God.

Our moms were totally in the same rush class.

We have to take a pic to send to them.

- Totally. - Yeah.

Leighton, can I have a moment?

Sure. I will be right back

- to take that picture, Jordan. - Okay.

What's up?

Did you talk shit about me to the Kappas?

Because I feel like I'm getting iced out.

During the house tour, they left me in the cellar.

Um, no.

No, I haven't mentioned you at all.

Really? Because I saw you looking my way

when you were talking to Quinn.

Oh, Natalie.

You're making this really weird, okay?

Maybe focus more on rush

and less on who I'm talking to.

It's now time for my favorite Kappa rush tradition.

All: Secret seat, secret seat,

secret seat, secret seat.

For our final moments of rush, I invite each of you

to sit in the secret seat and share a sexy secret.

And Abby, you're first.

I went down on my boyfriend on the London eye.

All: Secret seat.

Secret seat. Secret seat.

I don't really love rosé.

All: Secret seat, secret seat, secret seat.

Last week, Leighton Murray gave me chlamydia.

♪ This Christmas gonna to be a little different ♪

♪ Santa got bags ♪

Hey, get it!

Oh my God, this is so damn dope.

I mean, back in Kappa, was, like, bad-bad, right?

Hated to watch, couldn't look away.

Got it.

But I... I can't even think

about that when all of this

is happening in front of me.

You know what? I'm going to text Quinn

to check in on deliberations.

Very casually, though.

Yeah, yeah.

You're in a very casual place.

- I'm sorry, babe. - This is rough.

- Wait, what's going on? - How'd it go with Jackson?

Oh, bad.

Turns out he was planning a sexy date,

but not for me and him.

For me and this guy.

He looks like... like he would treat you very well.

Yeah, he's fine, I guess.

But now I know how Jackson sees me.

He sees me with a guy like this?

Jackson clearly thinks

I'm not in his league, which is fine.

But is anyone in Jackson's league?

No, he's like a Greek God that

came to Earth as punishment for being too hot.

Oh, forget it.

How was Kappa?

One of the girls announced

that Leighton gave her chlamydia.

What?

Should we all get very large drinks?

- Yes. - Yes.

♪ Told me feed my family ♪

♪ I took it to the hood and I dropped it in the sink ♪

♪ Then I whipped it into a whole thing ♪

♪ Jumped off the... ♪

There he is.

Mm-hmm.

- Damn, Santa. - You're here.

The party's officially started.

♪ Diamonds on my chains ♪

♪ Watch me, man ♪

♪ You gotta watch me now ♪

What was that for?

Just kissing my girlfriend.

It's my favorite party of the year,

and I can't wait to spend it with you.

- Oh, damn. - What?

What?

My phone keeps falling out of these Santa pants.

You mind holding it in your bag for me?

Uh, yeah. Sure.

Yeah?

Hey, that's my song. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go.

- ♪ Turn it up. - Turn it up ♪

- We fucking did it. - It's here?

- Let me see it. - What did you do?

We needed a splashy way to announce

our magazine to the world,

so we Trojan horsed "The Catullan."

We replaced their cover with a QR code

that leads to our site instead.

Us sneaky bitches out-snuck the boys.

Who wants a signed copy?

Now "The Foxy" is at the doorstep

of every person on campus.

Bela, that is so cool!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Look, we're already

getting so many new followers. Yes, yes.

Cheers me with your boobs.

Say KissMas.

All: KissMas!

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

- ♪ Jingle all the way ♪ - Whoop, whoop!

So, wait. You're telling me

you talked shit about this girl,

gas lit her, and then sabotaged her,

all after you gave her chlamydia?

Okay. Okay, so I can see

how that would make me look like a bitch, but...

- Look like a bitch? - Bitch, you were a bitch.

- That's what I said. - In less harsh words.

Ooh.

Okay, but what do you think I should do?

Ooh, look, I want to help you,

but I got to follow that tight linebacker

into a private room.

So I'm going to go.

Kimberly, fix your girl.

Okay. So I really messed up.

- Mm. - But you know what?

I am just going to text Quinn,

and I'm going to tell her to call me.

Who should we give these to?

Hot guys first, and then everybody else.

Hey, great party, huh?

Do you like college comedy?

Hey, daddy.

You like to laugh?

Scan the code on the cover.

- Bela, did you do this? - Eric?

Uh, hi. Yes. Yes, I did.

And I'm sure you're upset, but I'm hoping

part of you is also proud?

No. What the fuck?

How could you do this to me, especially

since we're hooking up?

Chill out, my slim-hipped cutie.

I'm sorry, but I had to do it.

I honestly thought you'd sort of respect it.

- Well, I don't. - This is such a mess.

I have to make a bunch of...

- What the... - Calls.

♪ New style, down, down, do your dance ♪

- ♪ Do your dance ♪ - Ooh, he got caught

in the "Cupid Shuffle."

He's just being thrown around like a little pinball.

♪ Down, down, do your dance ♪

- ♪ Do your dance ♪ - How embarrassing.

♪ Down, down, do your dance ♪

♪ Me and the Claus going out, far out, tonight ♪

Ho, ho, ho, KJ house!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Y'all been naughty or nice?

Naughty!

All right, all right.

Who want to come take a picture with Santa?

Santa should always be this ripped.

Honestly, well said.

Whoo!

Wait, is that Zoe from the coffee shop?

I didn't know she kicked it at the KJ House.

Yeah, Canaan invited her during our shift yesterday.

Ooh, and girly's wearing the little booty dress

I helped picked out for her.

Get it, Zo!

- You want to take a picture? - Yeah, yeah.

One sec. I'll be right back.

Leighton, you need to chill out.

We're in the middle of delibs.

- I'm in the templum. - Heard.

But I need to tell you something.

Natalie was telling the truth.

I gave her chlamydia,

and I probably gave it to a few more girls too.

It's been a weird month, but Natalie wasn't the one

throwing the vibes off today. I was.

I was being so CO, and I am so, so sorry.

- Fine. - Message received.

Now please stop texting.

Okay, but it's just Kappa is all I've ever wanted...

And if given the chance...

And she hung up. Perfect.

♪ Fuck it, get into it, yuh ♪

♪ Yeah, you just wanna party ♪

♪ You just wanna lap dance ♪

♪ You just wanna pop up on these clowns ♪

So I finally talked to Quinn, and...

What are you doing?

I'm going through Canaan's phone.

- Stop. - Oh, please.

You don't exactly have the moral high ground

when it comes to choices right now.

Okay, brutal, but fair.

Still, no good is going to come from you doing this.

- Oh, my god. - I knew it.

I knew something was up.

Whitney, wait, wait.

- What's up? - Oh, hey.

I didn't know you'd be here.

Hey, thanks again for all the help today.

You and Fred are the smartest people I've ever met.

And is that why you think we're, like, a match?

Look, he asked me to ask you, so I thought I'd help him out.

Guys like Fred don't usually have

a shot with girls like you.

What do you mean girls like me,

- like short, chatty? - Hot.

♪ Like a piranha, y'all need to get... ♪

- You're hot. - ♪ Like y'all need water ♪

♪ I mean, it's only head-to-toe Balenciaga ♪

♪ I mean, y'all bitches better yuh like Ariana ♪

♪ If they ever tryna... ♪

You want to tell me what this text from Zoe is about?

"Hey, thanks for meeting up with me.

I know you're with someone, but I needed

you to know how I feel."

You went through my phone?

That's so out of pocket, Whitney.

Why are you meeting up with girls

who have crushes on you?

Are you trying to keep her on your bench, or...

I don't have a bench,

and nothing happened between me and Zoe.

The only reason I talked to her is because

we work together, so I let her down nice.

It's not my fault that she likes me.

Well, then, why would you keep that from me?

Because I knew you would overreact

like this, like you did before.

- Canaan... - I need a beat.

- No, I didn't mean... - I said need a beat.

♪ It looked good on paper ♪

♪ So I sparked a match and lit it on fire ♪

♪ Dun, dun, ah, dun, dun, ah ♪

♪ Dun, dun, ah, dun, dun, ah ♪

♪ When you got too close ♪

♪ I watched us go up in smoke ♪

♪ But it's all right ♪

It'll be fine.

Just let Canaan sleep it off

and go see him in the morning.

I really don't want to talk about it.

Ugh.

How do I tell my mom I won't be a Kappa?

Oh. For what it's worth,

I think you're better off without them.

I just always thought being a Kappa

was the first step to a certain life.

But, yeah.

Yeah, maybe I don't need that.

You know, this might be for the best.

It is. And hey,

maybe start a cool queer sorority or something.

Now I'm sad again.

Oh. Well, there it is,

- my official rejection letter. - Damn.

I didn't know they made envelopes so small.

Kappas are ruthless.

- Wait, what? - I got in.

- You did? - I did.

Oh, my God.

I'm so happy.

You literally just said not getting in

was for the best.

Well, obviously, that was to protect myself

if I did get rejected. Everyone,

everyone, get in your filming positions.

I have an acceptance video to record!

I'm sorry you didn't get an envelope.

Oh, it's fine.

Unlike her, I actually don't care.

♪ Since you went away ♪

Well, shit.

Ahh!

Okay.

♪ It's been a hard, long summer ♪

Wait, Eric, I'm so, so sorry.

What you did was really screwed up.

It made me look like an asshole.

I only messed with "The Catullan" because

I was trying to do something good for "The Foxy."

I wasn't trying to do something bad to you.

The site is good.

You read it?

It's really, really good.

♪ But you're like a diamond ♪

Learning to code HTML was really hard.

It's not as intuitive as...

Oh, fuck.

Keep going.

Wait, dude, did you hack our site

and turn our cursor into "The Catullan" logo

with a big penis?

I did.

You fucked with our magazine,

so I fucked with yours.

But it's nothing personal, right?

Just competition.

Right.

And we're gonna burn "The Catullan"

into the fucking ground.

I think what you mean to say is you

and your friends are going to try and fail...

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck!

I don't want to be fighting with you.

Me neither.

It's just that I knew that Zoe was after you,

and when I saw the message and knew I was right, I...

It doesn't matter if she's into me.

I'm a good-looking guy without, like, major problems.

People are going to be into me.

The only thing that matters is I'm not into her.

And you didn't believe me.

I did.

Kind of.

I just needed evidence from your phone to believe it.

Look, I know I was wrong, and I will never do it again.

Whit, I don't think this is going to work out between us.

Wait, what?

It's just, it shouldn't be this hard.

I think we call it.

Wait, Canaan, please.

Because of one thing?

I know it's not one thing. It's a couple of things.

- But... - This is best.

You're lost right now, and our trust is broken.

If I don't talk to you, Merry Christmas.

♪ On our way from Stockholm ♪

♪ Started to snow ♪

♪ And you said it was like Christmas ♪

♪ By the time we got to Oslo ♪

♪ Snow was gone ♪

♪ And we got lost ♪

♪ The beds were small ♪

♪ But we felt so young ♪

♪ It was just like Christmas ♪

♪ It was just like Christmas ♪

♪ It was just like Christmas ♪

♪ It was just like Christmas ♪

♪ It was just like Christmas ♪

♪ It was just like Christmas ♪