All language subtitles for The Joker Is Wild (1957)

Subtitles: Lu�s Filipe Bernardes

# While shadows are creeping #

Got a card?

My name's Bliss.
I'm a friend of Joe's.

Said he'd leave word.

Okay.

Be careful.
This is a nervous business.

Hello, Bliss.

What's with you coming to my joint?

Well, I heard you were
packing them in, Georgie,

I thought I'd take a night off
from my place,

come over and see why.

Well, do I get in or don't I?

Thank you, Georgie.

# While shadows #

# They are creeping #

# In a little cottage cozy #
# the world seems rosy at sundown #

# Where a loving smile will greet me #
# and always meet me at sundown. #

# I seem to sigh, I'm in heaven, #

# When night is falling #
# and love is calling me home. #

# I cried for you #

# Now it's your turn to cry over me. #

# Every road has a turning. #

# That's one thing you're learning. #

# I cried for you #

# What a fool I used to be. #

# Now I found two eyes #
# just a little bit bluer #

# And I found a heart #
# just a little bit truer, #

# I cried for you #

# Now it's your turn to cry over me. #

# I cried for you #

# What a fool I used to be. #

# Now I found two eyes #
# just a little bit bluer #

# And I found a heart #
# just a little bit truer, #

# I cried for you #

# Now it's your turn to cry over me. #

Hi, Joey.

Whew, what a contraption.

Austin!

Do I see you later?

I may be a little crazy...

- ...but I gotta talk business tonight.
- Oh, Joey!

- Oh, I know I'm crazy.
- When then?

Tomorrow night.

- I'll see you tomorrow night, okay?
- Oh, sure.

Austin!

What's with those tricks
on that last song tonight?

You were sure playing fast and loose
with the composer's notes there, Pappy.

And that wild finish.

Oh, what's the use?

You know, I wish I had
a camera right now?

Because I could get the perfect picture

of a guy with his two feet
in his mouth.

I was just so bad tonight

that next week
I open at the Valencia.

Oh, the Valencia.

Yeah, that classy joint
where they carry the drunks out,

- ...they don't toss them out in the street.
- I thought you didn't drink,

I see the teapot's finally got you.

Mr. Mack, listen to me very carefully.

There was a man in the audience tonight
by the name of Bliss.

Mr. Bliss is from the Club Valencia.

And during my performance,
he gave me a signal like this.

Which meant,
'Joe, next week you open in our club.'

And because you're so great,
you can take along your piano player,

providing he promises not to spit
on the floor during the show.

- You're kidding!
- No, that's part of the deal,

- You can't spit on the floor...
- Cut it out, cut it out.

- Was Bliss really here?
- Hm-hmm.

And we really got a deal?

Oh, no!

From now on we work
to great audiences

not like these reunion clubs
from Leavenworth.

We're gonna be in the company
of Sophie Tucker, Eddie Cantor, Al Jolson,

they all work there,
you know one time or another...

And me, I'm really set to go with you?

Oh, you're such a lunkhead.
You think I'd go without you?

- Oh, Joe, that's...
- Mr. Joe!

Georgie wants to see you right away.

Sure, why not?
I'm good company.

You know, Georgie might not like
you leaving h...

What do I mean, 'might not like it'?

He's gonna hate it.

You know your trouble, Mr. Chopin?

You spent too much time
in a conservatory.

- You're a little stir crazy.
- Hey, Joe.

Take it easy, huh?

You know me, pal.
Waltz time all the time.

Hi, Georgie.

Tim, how you been?

Looks like everybody
paid their tab, huh?

I saw you passing signals
with this guy Bliss.

If you're figuring on going
to work for him, forget it.

Well, to tell you the truth,
Georgie, I...

Hey, Joe...

Tell us the truth.

You're not going nowhere,
not till I fire you, get it?

But the engagement is up Saturday night.

I'll tell you
when the engagement is up here.

The last time I checked,
I was still an American citizen.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, it means I got a right
to work anywhere I want to.

What you got a right is to be buried
anywhere you want to.

You don't mean that, Georgie.

He means it.

I'm sorry you take it so personal.

Sorry?

Anybody quits me to work for Bliss,
this I take personal.

Now beat it.

Aw, you gotta be kidding, George.

This is my big break.
You don't wanna hold me back.

You can get hundreds singers.

Come on, wish me luck.

Nobody ever walks out on me.

I can work anyplace I want to.

Oh, what happened?

- Oh, Georgie?
- Hm-hmm.

Oh, nothing much.

You know how he is.
He's a little sorry to see us go.

Cried a little bit.
Got me right there.

Sure.

You know that under that icy exterior
there's really a warm guy.

I'll bet he does a lot of church work.

Joe.

You got a twin brother
or something, Coogan?

I could have sworn
I just left you inside.

I uh...

didn't want to make a scene in front
of the young lady just now, but...

I got to thinking maybe Georgie and me
didn't make our point.

You made your point several times.

Come on, Austin.

Piano player,

your friend hasn't been
in town very long,

he doesn't know how things are.

If you're really a friend,
explain it to him.

What I mean is...

he won't live to open at the Valencia.

You want to get something
to eat right away

or do you want to go to the hotel?

I want to go
and have your head examined.

Do you know what Coogan said?

- Will you listen to me!
- I'm listening.

You're not back in high school now
singing soprano in Pinafore.

It was The Mikado.
And I was very big in it, too.

Keep it up.

Keep it up. you'll be the funniest
stiff in the morgue.

Mr. Mack, you read
too many newspapers,

you believe too much
in what you read.

Look, the joint is doing good
and they didn't want me to leave.

They're not gonna kill me
for a lousy couple of bucks.

Joe, these guys kill people
just to keep in practice.

Joe, I know them.

They like to kill people.

Let's go get some Chinese food.

- No, we're going to the police.
- Oh, fine...

so that Bliss thinks
that when he hires us

he's gonna get mixed up
in a gang war?

Coogan didn't say
he was gonna kill Bliss.

Yours was the name he mentioned.

- Yeah, maybe you're right.
- Oh, don't tell me.

We won't go to a Chinese restaurant.

You'd be looking under the table
for a Tong war.

We'll go to a Mexican place.

Oh, you're probably one of those guys
who still thinks that Pancho Villa'a alive.

You know what I think?

I think you're as good as dead.

Well then stop lousing up
my last few moments.

Joe!

I'm not going to open
at the Valencia with you.

Are you quitting on me?

That's right.

Maybe I can't stop you
from getting killed but...

I'm not gonna play the accompaniment.

Now, look, I know
you're trying to be a pal,

but if you don't go in there
with me, I'll go it alone.

If you open at the Valencia,
we split up for good.

Austin, I can see us busting up
over a broad, but not Tim Coogan.

Use your head!

Tell Coogan you're staying.

You're asking me to do
the one thing I can't do.

All right, you'll just have
to get yourself another piano player.

Good luck, kid.

You know it's real weird,
you without Austin.

Just like walking around on one leg.

How about this, Swifty,
pretty jazzy?

Yeah, it's jazzy and razzamatazzy.

With a suit like that
I could pick up girls like lead.

That's the first thing.

But without the proper accessories
you're just like an unfinished painting.

Now... I have some pinky rings here

Elegant, soign�...

You sold me this ring, remember?

Want me to grow another pinky?

I know you'd do it for me
if you could, Joe.

But uh... how about some watches?

I have a fine display here,
never seen in Chicago until...

Stick pins?

Tie clips?

Well, I got some elegant frippery,
finery and haberdashery.

Frippery, finery and haber...
all right, Swifty.

What's it gonna cost me this time?

Well uh...
twenty would dry my tears, Joe.

Wipe your eyes.

Come in, come in.

For you, Joe...

Maybe it's from Austin, you know...

a joke.

Remind me to send
a thank you note to Coogan.

I'm getting worried, Joe.
Maybe you oughta blow this joint.

- Look, with Austin leaving you and...
- Austin, Austin.

It's just temperament,
that's all it is, Swifty.

I bet you the same twenty
he's waiting outside that door

and when I walk out he'll say,
'Do you know your lyrics?'

Just in case,
I got something for you.

Here, will you carry this?

Get that thing out of here!

What do I know from guns?
I'd shoot my toe off.

How do I look?

A little pale,
no roses in the cheeks.

Please, I'm not in the morgue yet.
Bite your tongue.

Get rid of this thing.
Throw it out the window.

- You know your lyrics?
- Hm-hmm.

Are you wearing a bulletproof vest?
I am.

Still scared?

Listen, you pea-brain,

I'm so scared I'll have to tie my hands
to the piano so's I can play.

I knew you'd be here.

Sure, how can I pass up
all that money I make off of you?

Welcome here, Joe.

When the machine-gun fire starts,
I'll meet you under the piano.

# If I could be with you #
# I'd love you strong #

# If I could be with you #
# I'd love you long #

# I want you to know #

# That I wouldn't go #

# Until I told you, honey, #
# why I love you so #

# If I could be with you #
# one hour tonight #

# If I were free to do #
# the things I might #

# I'm telling you true... #

Hello, Coogan.

Well, Captain McCarthy.

Want to play cops and robbers tonight?

Or do you wanna have fun?

Hm... let's play cops and robbers.

Go ahead, don't be bashful.

# ...that I wouldn't go #

# Until I told you, honey #
# why I love you so #

# If I could be with you #
# one hour tonight #

# If I were free to do #

There's nothing in her garters
but her legs.

Why don't you take my word for it?

Oh, I'll take your word for it.

Bliss... at my table?

Right this way, Mr. Coogan.

No, no, not in the middle
of Joe's number.

It's not nice.

# I want you to know #
# That I wouldn't go #

# Until I told you, honey #
# why I love you so #

# If I could be with you #
# one hour tonight #

# If I were free to do #
# the things I might #

# I'm tellin' you true #
# I'd be anything but blue #

# If I could be with you #
# for just an hour #

# If I could be with you. #

I'll show you to your table.

Please, Mr. Mack, no knuckles.

# When somebody loves you #

# it's no good unless he loves you #

# All the way #

# Happy to be near you #

# When you need someone to cheer you #

# All the way #

# Taller than the tallest tree is #

# That's how it's got to feel #

# Deeper than the deep blue sea is #

# That's how deep it goes #

# If it's real #

# When somebody needs you #

# It's no good unless he needs you #

# All the way #

# Through the good or lean years #

# and for all the in-between years #

# Come what may #

# Who knows where the road will lead us #

# Only a fool would say #

# But if you let me love you #

# It's for sure I'm gonna love you #

# All the way #

# All the way. #

Very good, Joe.

Thanks.

Well, Joe, you gave yourself
quite a thrill

and you've made your point.

You opened.

Now you'd better
come back with us.

I'm sorry, but I'm staying here.

- Sure?
- Sure.

You forgot to thank me
for the flowers.

Oh... thanks.

Okay... citizen.

Joe, now will you be serious?
Tell me the truth.

Coogan doesn't come to see
anybody just for auld land syne.

All right, I'll tell you the truth.

He told me I was strictly
from hunger tonight

and he's glad I left the other joint.

And by the way...

he didn't think
you were so hot either.

Joe... say, Joe...

A card for you.

What did he say?

I would appreciate it
if you would be good enough

to call me at my office
tomorrow morning.

Is that from Coogan?

Frank Marshall, president
of the Blue Label record company.

There you are, Mr. Mack,

if you have to worry about something,

worry about what songs
we record for Mr. Marshall.

Yeah, you know, record...

those little black things
that go round and round...

Ehhh...

You know it's pretty frightening
to hear yourself

as other people can hear you?

Sounds like a mating call
of a moose with a tin ear.

Three minutes ago that was
the greatest record ever made.

Now I know why Coogan
wanted me killed.

This boy's got public spirit.

Please don't mention it.
Let sleeping dogs lie.

Weeks passed and we haven't
heard from him. Say nothing.

I'll meet you at the music publisher's
at three, huh?

Hm-hmm.

Enjoy yourself.

What else?

- Who's there?
- Captain McCarthy.

Hey, what the...

Number, please.

Hello?
Hello.

Mr. Lewis?

Hello.

Hello.

For Joe Lewis.

Look at that.

Coogan's laughing in our faces.
Yours.

Yeah, and there not a thing
I can do about it.

He had a perfect alibi.

- I couldn't hold him for 15 minutes.
- I don't care about his alibi.

He told me he was gonna get Joe.

Well, maybe Joe can identify him.

What did the doctor say?

When can I talk to Joe?

A month, maybe a year, I...

How bad is it?

They slashed his vocal cords,
they bashed in his skull.

He was in surgery for six hours.

I'd like to bash in that Coogan skull
with a baseball bat.

There's a long line ahead of you.

Be sure and let me know
when I can talk to Joe.

Why don't you go home and get
some rest, Austin? I'll stick around.

No, I want to be here
when he wakes up.

You go on,
I can take care of things.

I'll be back later.

Au...

Au...

Hey...

Au...

Hey...

I...

- Ow!
- Joe... Joe!

Joe, get back in bed.

Joe!

Joe, don't!

You're gonna hurt yourself, Joe...

Joe, Joe, don't!

Don't... stop it, stop it...

Help me!

Somebody, in here!
Help me!

I was working for this jerk
for two months

and he doesn't even pay me.

On top of that
he called me a dumb broad.

All right, keep it down, please,
keep it down, huh?

Now, he'll be here any minute.

Remember, he's not supposed to talk yet.

The doctor wants him to take it real easy

and don't stare at his scars.

For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good...

- Where's Joe?
- I don't know.

Nobody knows. He walked
out of the hospital early this morning...

He just disappeared.

He left this note.

So long, Austin, thanks for everything.

Find yourself another singer.
Good luck... Joe.

What a crazy thing to do.

Why should he run away?

How's he gonna live?
He can't sing.

Why, he can hardly talk.

What will he do?
All he knows is show business.

- Where are you going?
- I don't know.

- But I gotta find him.
- I'll go with you.

Austin.

Do you think he'll ever
get his voice back?

Will he ever be able to sing again?

There's more to him than a voice.
He's a human being.

He's a man. I gotta help him.

- I gotta find him.
- Poor Joe. How awful he must feel.

How would I feel if they chopped off
all of my fingers?

Come in.

- Captain McCarthy, the papers...
- Relax, Austin.

We know who did it
and it wasn't Joe.

Have you heard anything?

Well, I got word that someone saw him
getting on a train for New York.

I'll let you know if I get any real lead.

See you, Boys.

You know, I really hate
that crummy joint I'm playing at now.

I'm going to New York.

They got plenty of pianos there.

That's some haystack, New York.

Seven million people.

Let's go look for the needle.

Joe! Joe!

Joe!

Joe!

Joe! I can't believe it,
after all these years.

It's me, Swif...
Swifty Morgan, don't you know me?

Sure I know you,
are you kidding or something?

How's business?

How's business? That's all you can say
after a hundred years?

We looked all over for...

The voice,
Can you still sing, Joe?

Never stopped.
What do you want to hear. Stardust?

Stars and Stripes Forever?

A Wand'ring Minstrel I?

I want to hear you with Austin,
that's what I want to hear.

Hey, let's hop a cab
and surprise him, huh?

He's here in New York now?

Sure, we'd be there in 20 minutes.
You know, he's doing pretty good.

He's playing piano for Sophie Tucker.

Boy, when you walk in
he's gonna keel right over.

Yeah, we could surprise him...

I'll tell you what,
where are you staying, Swifty?

The Clinton.

Well, I gotta run along
and do a couple of things,

so I'll give you a call.

Wait a minute.

What's with the brush off,
what did I do?

What brush off, Swifty?
I told you, I got an appointment.

With a booking agent.

So I'll call you back.

What can I tell Austin?
I can't just tell him I saw you.

At least where are you staying,
where are you working?

I'm right in the middle
of things now, Swifty.

But as soon as I get a new address,
I'll call you, huh?

And tell Mr. Steinway
I said everything's fine.

Just fine.

Come on, Bozo, this is the place
I told you about.

Don't worry about a thing,
play that real good and loud...

we'll make plenty of money,
people'll be along and give it to us.

A drink?
You want a drink.

Oh, later.

Let's tune it up.

Is his voice really okay?

I told you, he even wanted
to sing for me.

The shamus is here.

All right, boys, knock it off.

It happens to be a quiet zone.

There's a hospital right down the street.

No more noise, you understand?
And you...

you're the worst offender.
Don't play!

Don't you play.

Who's gonna stop me?

Who's gonna stop it?
I'm gonna stop it...

I said don't play around here
and I mean don't play.

Like to see you do that again.

So, you'd like to see me do it again.

Well. I'm doing it again.

Now, don't p-l-a-y play.

- Come on, let's go.
- You wanna go backstage?

Oh, no, no...

He wouldn't want to see me now,
not like that.

I'm gonna talk to Sophie about him.

Come on, let's get out of here.

I'd like to see you do it again.

So, you'd like to see me do it again.
Well, I'm doing it again.

Don't p-l-a-y play.

Go ahead and play.

All right, Austin.
I'll take care of it.

Get back to the piano.

Young man, I do believe there's
something wrong with your hearing.

I told you not to play
and I mean don't play.

Raspberry blue coat,
can't catch your nanny.

This time you're really going
down to the station.

Wait a minute...
Oh, you want a drink, Bozo?

Why, sure, Bozo,
here you are.

- Hey, sonny.
- Yes, Miss Tucker.

- Come with me.
- Where to?

Don't ask any questions.
Come with me.

Ladies and gentlemen,

a few years ago, a young singer

refused to let a bunch
of gangsters tell him

where he could perform
and where he couldn't.

That courage cost him a great deal.

He was badly beaten,
he was almost killed.

But to this day, no one can tell him
where he can perform

and where he can't.

Excepting me, of course.

Ladies and gentlemen,

here he is,
hiding behind his fright wig.

Joe E. Lewis.

What would you like him
to sing now?

Just One More Chance.

Falling in Love Again.

Beyond the Blue Horizon.

How about All The Way?
All The Way.

All The Way.

Go to it, boy.
All The Way.

# When somebody loves you #

# It's no good unless he loves you #

# All... #

Maybe those guys in Chicago
weren't gangsters, after all.

Maybe they were music critics.

Might as well give it up, Austin.
I can't even talk in that key.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd be happy
to finish the song, but...

it might be one of your favorites
and I'd like to leave it that way.

But nothing's been lost because...

after all, tonight you've heard
Al Jolson, George Jessel,

Sophie Tucker...

three of the greatest baritones
in the business.

You know, this is the first time
I've tried to sing in...

in many years.

As a matter of fact, since that
little set to in Chicago.

Yeah, they didn't fool around
in those days.

It was, well, a different kind
of show business.

if they didn't like you,
they didn't throw you out of the show,

they threw you out of a speeding car.

But that's all behind me now, it's past,
it's all in the past...

I'm doing pretty good these days,
with Mr. Zig's Playhouse...

and this week we're doing Shakespeare.

It's one of the great classics.

It's called, 'This Must Be The Place.'

And the costumes, you should see
the costumes in the show.

The leading lady comes out
on the stage with a gown and...

I wish you could see this gown...

It's backless, it's frontless and it's...

strapless.

Come to think of it, it's a belt.

If I knew where the bar was,
I'd go get one.

But before I go, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to pay a tribute...

to an old friend...

Mr. Austin Mack.

Mack plays a great piano.

I think it's a Steinway.

By the way, ladies and gentlemen,

I came out here in kind of in a hurry

and I didn't have time
to dress properly

so, I'd like to thank Miss Tucker
for lending me a pair of her slacks.

Most of all, I want to thank you,
ladies and gentlemen,

for being so kind and so understanding.

Thank you, and good night.

Good to see you, Joe.

Real good.

Been a long time, huh?

Done a lot of clickers
over that keyboard.

I'll tell you one thing, though.
You've still got it.

The way you wrapped up
that audience out there,

you had them laughing...

Why not?

A guy trying to sing with his throat cut,

that's always good for a big laugh.

Forget about the singing, Joe.
I'm talking about the jokes.

You were terrific.

You know, I think this could be
a real break for you.

I got a break. Just had an offer
out there, thanks to you.

You have?
What, doing what?

Oh, some big musical show.

I walk out in the middle
of the stage...

they surround me with
forty or fifty people

but the trick is
I never make a sound.

You see, I'm billed as the silent singer.

If you want to be sore, be sore

but don't forget you're the one
that told Swifty you could still sing.

All right, so I was lying.

Joe, I heard you out there

and I'm telling you, I know
what you need, a couple of good...

I got what I need, Austin.

Let me run my own life, will you?

And do me another favor.

If I ever bust a leg, don't book me
in the dance act, okay?

Now... I got things to do.

- Why can't you get along...
- Austin.

Leave him alone.

- Wait a minute.
- For what?

How many years
have you been looking for him?

Worrying about him?

All I ever hear from you is,
'I wonder what Joe's doing'.

'I wonder what's gonna become of Joe.'

Joe, Joe, Joe.

Now what do you get for it?

'Let me run my own life.'

Who's the talky dame?

This is Cassie, my wife.

The party's about to begin.
They want you to start the music.

I'm coming.

Listen, Joe...

We're in the telephone book.

Mr. Lewis.

I'm Johnny Allen of the William Morris
Booking Agency.

I'm a friend of Austin's.

I wish you'd drop around
to my office sometime,

- Maybe we could do something for you.
- Sure.

Here's my card.

Call my secretary, will you?

Anytime.

# It's June in January #

# Because I'm in love #

# Yet there's always spring in my heart #

# With you in my arms. #

# The snow is just white blossoms #

$ That fall from above. #

Hello.

Hi.

Do you mind if I join you?

Help yourself.

Of course, if I'm intruding, I...

Free country.

I'm afraid I am intruding,
excuse me.

Wait a minute, don't go,
I'm sorry.

I've been bouncing around
like a foul ball all night long.

It's all right.
I have days like that myself.

Only on you it doesn't show.

You're Joe Lewis, aren't you?

Hm-hmm, that's the way it is.

What are you doing
back here, hiding?

Hiding.
Stolen goods.

And a hot pair of baggy pants.

# It's June in January #

He's wonderful, isn't he?

Yeah.

Everyone thought
you were very good, too.

Oh, when it comes to the seltzer
and the kisser bit, I'm very big.

No, I meant later,
when you were on by yourself.

The audience thought
you were wonderful.

There's an unwritten law
that says it's not nice to

throw rocks at a benefit.

Well, nice to see you.

Don't go.
The party's just beginning.

There'll be dance music.

See?

You know what this reminds me of.

- Have you ever been to India?
- No.

Well, in some of the
movie houses there, they...

the screen is in the middle
of the theater to divide the audience.

The untouchables sit on one side

and on the other sit the...

Touchables?

Yes, I guess you could
call them that.

Gee, he plays a great piano.

A Steinway, I think.

What's that curtain called?

You're not in show business?

No, I just did a little work
for the benefit committee.

It's called a cyclorama.

Cyc.

Do you always hide behind cycs?

Well, I was really
on my way out, but...

I didn't want to fight that crowd.

Looks like a pleasant pastime,
doesn't it?

It's called dancing.

Really nothing much.

You just kinda walk around
with a girl in your arms.

The way you put it,
it sounds pretty good.

They seem to be having a lot of fun.

You sure you don't want
to join them?

I've been waiting for you
to ask me.

You know...

even in India they're giving up
the idea of untouchables.

What's your name?

Letty Page.

I've never been in back
of one of these before.

It's rather beautiful and strange.

That's because we're the only
real people here.

The rest of them, they're only shadows.

So then, the second banana says...

What am I running for?

I'm running to stop the fight
between the big fellow and me.

That's what the second banana said.

But... what's a second banana?

The second banana is the fellow

who sets up the jokes
for the first banana.

- He's the top comic.
- I see.

There's really nothing to it.

I could make you a second banana
just like that.

- You could?
- Sure.

Whatever I say to you,
you say 'that's good' and 'that's bad',

That's good and that's bad.

For instance, I say, I'm married now
and you say, that's good.

Okay, now we start.

- I'm married now.
- That's good.

That's bad, my wife nags me.

That's bad.

Not so bad.
She's got a lot of money.

That's good.

Not so good.
She never gives me any.

That's bad.

- Not so bad. She's got a big house.
- That's good.

- Not so good. It burned down.
- Oh, that's bad.

Not so bad, she was in it.

Anything else you want to know
about burlesque?

Oh well, for one thing...

You don't seem very happy in it.

Why did you get into it
n the first place?

When they cut my throat, I had to eat.

So, I went into burlesque.

I got pie on my face five times a day

and the service was
fast and furious.

I... I don't know why I'm laughing.

It must have been awful
being cut up like that.

Well, let's put it this way,

one time is enough.

Yeah.

You know, I've had
the most wonderful evening.

Mmmm, that's good.

Not so good. The cab has stopped.

I think the driver knows
where you live.

- Oh, that is bad.
- Not so bad.

Say uh, pal, how much does it cost
to drive to Fairbanks, Alaska?

That's a buck and a half
you owe me.

There's a straight man
for you all the time.

What are you doing
living in a public library?

It's more convenient
than belonging to a book club.

Would you like to come in
and have a nightcap, Joe?

Not until I get my shoes half-soled.

Oh, thank you, Samuel,
but you needn't wait.

Thank you, Sam...

I was hoping you'd say
'Thank you, Dad.'

Sorry I'm not the butler's daughter.

- You're the cook.
- Hm-hmm.

- Upstairs maid?
- No.

Downstairs maid.

Got it.

You're a little girl from a poor family

and these nice rich people
took pity on you

and decided to raise you like you were
their own daughter.

Nice people.

I don't know why
I'm impressed, though.

I've lived in bigger buildings
than this, you know.

YMCA...
Good night, Letty.

You know, I've always wanted
to go to a burlesque show,

but nobody would ever take me.

Believe me,
you won't want to go to this one.

But I do, Joe.

We could meet sometime
after the show.

All right, when?

Oh, I'll call you sometime,
maybe tomorrow...

Tomorrow would be just fine.

All right, you got yourself a date
with a red-nosed comic.

I'll meet you in the little bar
across the street from the theater.

When I meet you there, we'll get out
like the place is contaminated.

Which it is.

I'll be there.

Good night, Joe.

Prost time.

Hey, Joe.

What do you like in this one?

Give me a chance to get organized.

I got some real live ones,
There's Parkway...

- Philamon, Lala, Baby...
- How about Barnaby?

- Everybody's a handicapper.
- How about that?

Couple of weeks ago she thought
a parlay was a conversation in French.

A parlay is a conversation
in French, silly.

Besides, Barnaby's
my father's middle name.

Say, how about putting two bucks
on her old man's nose?

On her old man's nose, five.

Put me down, will you?

It's amazing how we keep
running into your father.

Running into him?
You haven't even met him yet.

Well, I haven't, huh?

Walking up Broadway the other day

he introduced me to one
of the skyscrapers he built.

Then, coming out of Lindy's last week,

there was another one of his buildings
looking down on us.

Or was it the same one
following us around?

I have to introduce him second hand.

You won't come to the house
and meet him.

Why would he want to meet me?

Why not? I think you two
might hit it off.

That architect who won't touch
anything under sixty stories

and a pie-in-the-face comic.
What a great meeting of the minds.

Well, since you won't
come to meet him,

he's going to come and see you.

In fact, we're both going to
come down to the theater tonight.

- Why would you...
- I've been waiting for you to invite me...

- ... but obviously...
- Invite you to what?

To see what?

A bunch of strippers working
with one eye out for the cops?

And a lot of tramps sleeping
in the place

sleeping off their hangovers?

Agh!

Joe, we're coming to see you.

Whatever it is you do there,
I'm sure you do it very well.

Look, we've been seeing each other
almost every day for a month now.

We... we meet under
a clock in a restaurant...

in a bar.

Honestly,

don't you think it's a little silly
to go on like this?

Yeah...

I guess it is.

I'll leave a couple of tickets
for you at the box office.

Get my baggy pants pressed.

And tell everybody to take a bath.

Why... it hasn't changed a bit
since my college days.

- Here you are, son.
- Thanks.

Dad, remember I told you
how sensitive Joe is about...

Now, Letty, if I were a snob
about these things

you would be too.

- All right, Dad.
- I'll get the tickets.

You have two tickets for Page?

Page?
Oh, yeah... here you are.

You're all paid for.

Oh, uh...

What time does Mr. Lewis go on?

He don't.
He blew the show an hour ago.

Just walked out.

He always was a crazy banana.

Let's go home, honey.

No, you go on, Dad.
I think I know where to find him.

- Letty, maybe it's better to...
- Please, dad.

All right, honey.

Yeah.

Hello, Joe.

You must be lost, young lady.
You don't belong here.

But I do.

The wrong hotel.
You must have made a mistake.

I have a friend here.

Forget about your friend.

That's all?
What happened to all the jokes?

The laughs...

When I think of you and your father
sitting out there in the audience

I laugh so hard I could nearly die.

Joe, what are you ashamed of,
Burlesque?

Me? Oh, no.

I wear my fright wig
like a badge of honor.

Just that I thought before
I met your father

I should do something
about my dressing room.

Dress it up a little bit,
get some architectural magazines...

clean out the whisky bottles...

- Sober up the mice and spray...
- Stop it, Joe!

Please go, Letty.

Maybe we'll meet again
at another benefit behind the cyc.

Only behind the cyc?

Yeah.
There everything looks good.

Even me.

- Look at me, Joe.
- I know what you look like, Letty.

But you don't know what I am like.

Joe, don't you know I don't care
about your being in Burlesque?

I don't care.

Be anything,
be a tightrope walker,

sell vacuum cleaners
from door to door, do anything!

I don't care.
Only just stop running.

Please look at me, Joe.

Do I have to do a striptease
to get you to look at me?

Please go away.

Joe, that's not a nice way
to say I love you.

What kind of a life
do you think it would be?

It could be any kind of a life
you want to make it, Joe.

I'm sorry.

Never.

You know, not a single one of those holes
in your head even shows.

Express to the 8th floor, this way.

Eighth floor.

Joe!

- How are you, Austin?
- I'm okay, I'm okay, and you?

Pretty good.
How's your wife... Cassie?

Swell, Joe...

You know, you shouldn't
have sent her that present.

- She wasn't really sore.
- Well, I...

Hey, you still with Sophie Tucker?

No, her regular man's back.
It was a temporary thing, you know.

You still following the horses?

Yeah, and the horses I follow
follow the horses.

Uh, what are you gonna do?

Oh, I'm going in here.
Kind of an audition.

Some new comic
they're trying to develop.

They think he might need
an accompanist.

I hope this guy likes me.

Come on, you new comic, you.

Make me laugh.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I know you're ladies and gentlemen

because this club only caters
to a select clientele

- Hm-hmm?
- Yeah.

You can't get in here without money
and you can't get out with it.

I might add
you can't get out with it.

Some joke.

You can't get out with it.

- How's he doing?
- Letter perfect.

_ I should have had more rehearsal.
- Don't worry about your throat.

Just take it easy on the high ones.

You better lay off of that stuff.

What happens if I lay an egg?

You're not gonna lay an egg.

If I do, I'll color it
and use it for Easter.

Prost time.

I'm all right, Letty.
Honest, I'm fine, just fine.

I didn't say a word, darling.

Here you are, Cassie.

- Anybody out there?
- The joint is packed!

Eight to five I empty it
in ten seconds.

Did you get those bets down today?

Bookies'll be around to collect them
in the morning.

Where did you get a suit like this?

You know, you should
have checked with me...

Swifty, please, would you mind
waiting outside?

I'd like to be alone. Would you all
mind waiting outside for a minute?

- Please, you too, Letty.
- Yes, darling.

You only got a minute.

Baby.

I'm sorry, I...

I don't know what it is.
I just feel like...

well, like there are a thousand
Tim Coogans sitting out there.

It's crazy, huh?

I love you, Joe.

- Hey!
- Put it on my tab.

- Here's to Burlesque.
- That's a good way to get there.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I know that you're ladies and gentlemen

because this club only caters
to a special clientele.

You can't get in with money...

and I might add that you can't out
without money either.

Well, uh...

Guess I loused that one up pretty good.

You see, a joke is a delicate thing.

If you breathe on it too heavy,
it dies.

Boy, am I a heavy breather.

Will one of the waiters
please kill himself,

because I don't feel
like dying up here alone.

I seem to have a knack

of taking a joke that can't
possibly get a laugh

and proving it.

Please, I know you're not laughing,

but let us not make it a crusade.

I don't have to do this for a living.

I got oil wells.
Five hundred barrels a day.

No oil. Just barrels.

Boom-boom...
Oh, before I sing a little song,

I'd like to introduce my pianist,
Mr. Austin Mack.

There's a guy can brighten up
a room by just leaving it.

You know, this is my first appearance
in a nightclub in a long time.

And it doesn't just mean
only applause, it means...

well, it means money.

But money isn't everything,
believe me.

It can't buy poverty.

You see, being a comedian
is just a hobby with me.

My real business is horses.

So I'm just a comedian so I can
put money back in my business.

Mr. Mack.

# My bookie came #

# From out of nowhere. #

# He held out his hand #

# I offered mine. #

# He whispered Joe #

# Up with the dough #

# Or you'll go where #

# You'll never need a cent. #

# And bet to your heart's content. #

# You know a guy making bets #
# without a dime in his kick #

# is liable to wind up very sick. #

# You can't collect #
# the day your horse comes in #

# and sing a ballad when it doesn't win #

# Besides, I ain't in the mood #
# to take a loss #

# My friend, you'd better come across. #

# Would you like to swing from a star? #

# Carry moon beams... #

Please, Mr. Mack, what are you
pushing me into a song like this?

Why are you crowding me? Be fair.
I'll pay the creeper's money.

How's the uh...
weather in New York?

Stormy.

Your father?

He's so terribly hurt and upset.

He's never talked to me
in my life the way he did tonight.

He said my behavior is no better
than that of a camp follower.

- Now, don't...
- Oh, Cassie.

We've always been so close.
The things he said, they...

He's just upset because he loves you.

Maybe more to the point
because he thinks Joe doesn't.

He's a parent, Letty.

You know how parents are,

they're short on moonlight
and long on marriage.

Joe goes on in a minute.
We'd better go to the table.

I just don't feel like it tonight, Cassie.

Will you tell him
I'll meet him on the train?

Please?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

And uh, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Excuse me for being a little late,
but I just walked back from the track.

What a day, what aggravation.
Most aggravating day.

There was one race I bet on
could be a photo finish.

By the time my horse came in

it was too dark to take the pictures.

I can tell you this,

that if Paul Revere had ridden this horse
that I bet on today

today we'd be all speaking
with a British accent.

This horse drove me to drink.

But, uh, I was going
in that direction anyway,

it wouldn't have taken too long.

As a matter of fact, I woke up this morning
at the crack of ice

and I've been half stiff all day.

But I don't believe in all these stories
about drinking being harmful.

Not at all.

I had an uncle drank
half a quarter whisky every day of his life.

And he lived to be 28.

Boom-boom-bum...

I'd like to sing a nice little song
for you, ladies and gentlemen.

But before I do, uh...

say hello to my pianist,
Mr. Austin Mack.

Mr. Mack is a very close
friend of mine.

He only plays like an animal.

What do you expect?
He has to listen to your jokes every night.

Ladies and gentlemen, this young man
is doing the town tonight,

and just between you and me,

he ain't doing it much good.

Hey, Lewis,

I hear when you opened here
the management cut out the amusement tax.

Last time I saw a mouth like that
it had a hook in it.

Sssssss.

Oh, you'd better get yourself
vulcanized, buddy,

you're losing air.

Now, if there are no more interruptions
from Austin's relatives,

Boom-boom...

Those horses, they kick up
a lot of dust all day.

Open up your heart
and give a fellow a drink.

I'm thirsty, not dirty.

She'll uh...
She'll meet you at the train.

Well, it's prost time.

Come in.

This must be the place.

Sorry, baby, I had to go over
the new routine with Austin...

it took a little longer than I figured.

Austin stuck his head in to say
good night over an hour ago.

He doesn't have to close up
the bar every night like I do.

Cassie was telling me
about the telephone call...

from your father.

Joe, I'm not going to stay in Chicago,

I'm going right on to New York
tomorrow morning.

I think it's better this way.

- Why...
- Don't say any of the usual things, I...

I haven't forgotten that I'm here
because I wanted it that way.

You made no promises,
so no promises have been broken.

Good-bye, Joe.

I guess it really is good-bye.

Good-bye?

That's not a nice way
to say I love you.

- Oh, please, Joe.
- Letty.

Give me a little time.

I feel like I still have
a foot in Burlesque...

and the other foot
on a slippery nightclub floor.

I know no promises
have been made aloud but...

promises have been made.

I just couldn't figure a way to tell you

and get a laugh at the same time

I still haven't had a laugh,
I have told you.

You don't really want
to cancel me out, do you?

Oh, baby.

You had me scared good
there for a while.

You had me talking
like a straight man.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

As you know, tonight we wind up
our engagement here in Miami,

and the manager's been very kind.

He's invited us back next season
with a much better deal.

We're gonna get paid.

And I really shouldn't complain

because during this engagement he told me

that I was allowed to drink
all the liquor I could possibly hold

and that was a thousand bucks
right there, you know.

I'd like to thank my accompanist,
Mr. Austin Mack, at the piano.

Mr. Mack has been dead for a week now,

but I haven't had the heart
to tell him yet.

I'd like to uh...

have the girls come out
and say good-bye to you,

the girls of our line.
Girls, come on out...

say good night to the audience.

There they are.

Isn't that sweet?

Oh!

Hold it, hold it.

Martha...

You don't mind, do you?

I'd just like to remind you that
I'm doing all the comedy in the show.

I'm sorry, Mr. Lewis.

I mean, let's be fair,
I don't come out here in tights.

Well, maybe you should.
Then you'd really get laughs.

Pretty brave kid, coming out here
and ad-libbing with me and my three writers.

Swell, thanks for showing
all that courage, honey.

And I hope you don't have
too much trouble finding a new job.

Here, here, here...

What is that, what is that...

what is all of that,
what does it mean?

Come on, speak up.
You're among friends uh...

temporarily.

Well, that's what they used to call
a skull in old vaudeville.

- Skull...
- I was born in a trunk.

Looks more like you came
out of a violin case.

Go back in the paddock
with the rest of the fillies,

thank you very much.

If I may get serious with you,
ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like you to share with me
a piece of wonderful news.

In a couple of weeks, the entire cast...

the girls, Austin Mack and myself,

we'll all open in New York City
at the world famous Copacabana.

When did all this happen?

I don't know. He didn't say a word
about it, but it's wonderful.

Girls, wait a minute,
hold it, hold it, please...

Martha, not in front
of the future Mrs. Lewis, please.

Be fair.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

Behind every man, there's a woman.

Antony and Cleopatra,

Napoleon and Josephine,

Heinz and the tomato,

And now I want you to meet
the woman behind Joe Lewis.

She's a wonderful woman,
She's got a hole in her head...

but she's a wonderful woman,

Miss Letty Page.

We would like to invite all of you
to the wedding, but...

it's only for the immediate family,
the bride and the groom

and the bookmakers.

What a way to propose.

Cassie, I don't care,
just so he proposed.

And until I see you again,
ladies and gentlemen,

may the good Lord take a liking to you

but not too soon.

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen,

how about everybody
getting up to dance?

You picked a winner, Joe,
and I think it's wonderful.

You kidding? I saw this coming
a long time ago.

By the way, I accept.

Thanks, baby.

Thanks for a lot of things, too.

You said that...

I think if you look at these x-rays, Joe,

it'll be a little easier
for me to explain.

Doc,

don't ask me to look at the x-rays
and I won't ask you to tell any jokes.

Just tell me what I'm supposed to do.

Stop drinking.

Oh, you gotta come up
with a better offer than that.

It's the only offer I've got.

And if I were you,
I'd grab it while I still can.

Aw, come on, Doc,

I look around and I see
a lot more old drunks

than I see old doctors, you know.

Joe, at the rate you're going,
you'll never be an old drunk.

Or a middle-aged one either.

I tried to stop drinking, Doc,
and I can't.

Millions of people have.

I don't know about millions of people

I just know about me.

If I couldn't get a drink

I wouldn't be able
to get out there on that floor.

I might as well just be dead.

Joe, I have lots of patients
in show business.

I can understand a man living
just to be an entertainer.

But dying for it?

This comes at a pretty
inconvenient time, Doc.

I was planning on getting married.

You're not doing the girl any favor.

Not unless you have
a lot of insurance.

Well, lots of people have died.
It didn't kill them.

Some joke.

Joe, I'm sorry if a sound cruel.

I just want you to realize
how serious this is.

Here, here's a prescription

It should relieve the pain anyhow.

She's a wonderful girl, Doc.

Very wonderful.

Well, I guess I can quit drinking.

Shouldn't be too tough. I've done
it a hundred times before.

- Hey, Jack.
- Two hundred, the first one down.

- You got a bet.
- Gotta keep it lively.

- Hot dog?
- No, thanks.

- You want one, Joe?

You know I never eat
on an empty stomach.

What's the pill for, Joe?

A little heartburn.

That's all?

Wanna make it three hundred?

No, two is enough.

Chicken.

Colonel Donovan, report to the office.

Colonel Donovan, report to the office.
Urgent.

I don't know what you're
looking for in that bottle.

But the faster you run after it,
the farther away it seems to get.

If you want to give a lecture
in temperance

why don't you go and use
the public address system?

- Look, Letty, I...
- Joe, what's wrong?

I don't know,
I just don't know.

But for weeks now, I feel like
I've been split down in the middle

and going in two directions
at the same time. I don't know.

How about the three hundred, Jack?

Okay, you're down.

Good boy, live dangerously.

Joe, as soon as you're through
with the Copa,

you've got to take a little rest.

- I'm not tired, Letty.
- Yes, you are. We both are.

Wouldn't it be nice to get away
from the crowd for a while

just the two of us?

Attention, please.

All Army and Navy personnel

report to the office immediately.
Urgent.

- What do you suppose is going on?
- Maybe Hitler invaded New York.

Impossible. Where could he find
a place to park?

Ladies and Gentlemen. We interrupt
this game for a special announcement.

President Roosevelt has just announced

that the Japanese have attacked
Pearl Harbor by air.

Pretty creepy.

The street's so dark.

I suppose I'll be hearing
from the draft board.

Not with your back.

Good evening.

They hung a closing notice
on us, Mr. Lewis.

Well, like Sherman said, war is hell.

Maybe you'll have
to take a rest now, Joe.

What's going on here?
I thought he said the place was closed.

Say, did you hear the news?

Martha's marrying
that new head waiter.

I didn't know she had a reservation.

Anyway, it's a great excuse
for a party.

She probably wants to get him
before the draft does.

Come on, the whole gang's here.
Champagne, caviar...

How about that?
Those two kids getting married.

Well, people still do...

Hi, Joe.
Hi, everybody.

Whoa, whoa...

Congratulations.

- So, let him live a little.
- Thanks.

Anyone else?

- Congratulations, Martha.
- Lots of happiness.

All the best, honey.

Gee, that was nice.

- But all the best to what?
- All the best to married life.

Oh, no, I'm not the one
that's getting married.

It's the other Martha.

But I'm ready any time.

Come on, Mr. Piano Player,
let's go make some music, huh?

- Let's live a little.
- Well, just don't forget your back.

Well, to our greatest ally.

Scotland.

Dad's going to work
for the War Production Board.

He asked me to close
our place here in town...

and keep house for him
in Washington.

Are you going?

Might as well, don't you think?

I thought I'd leave
tomorrow morning.

So soon, huh?

I guess so?

I guess you think it's kind of funny

that I made no further mention
about our getting married.

Funny isn't exactly
the word I would have used.

It's not really what I meant.

I uh... just don't know.

Joe...

you don't need to say anything.

Think about it...

when I'm not around
to make you feel guilty.

I'll let you know where I am.

Whatever it is you decide,

just make sure
it's what you really want.

Don't look so sad.

Come on, better join the kids.

They'll be hurt if we don't.

Well, I'm ready.

Take care of yourselves, you two.

Look, what can happen
on a U.S.O. tour?

I might fall on my accordion?

Joe... Joe, why isn't Letty here?

Aren't you worried about her?

Austin, would you call the airport

and find out what happened to that plane.
He's in some kind of a fog.

Don't bother, Austin.
She's not coming, Cassie.

Not coming to say good-bye?

Why not?

Who knows why not.
She's just not coming, that's all.

Joe.

Joe, you never even told her
you were going overseas, did you?

Don't you even think she has
a right to know?

Cassie, this is none of our business.

Since when? Everything else in his life
seems to be our business.

That's not fair...

All right, hold it, Austin.
She's got a right to ask the question.

Well then, why, Joe?
Why are you running out on her?

I don't understand this.

I'm doing her the greatest favor
I know how.

Joe...

Look, what kind of a marriage
do you think it would be, Cassie?

A few fast years
in a cocktail shaker?

Why a few fast years?

Do you think she could take
to my brand of living?

Getting to bed at 6 o'clock
in the morning

and getting up at 2:30
in the afternoon and...

hanging around a lot of
smoke-filled joints...

with a bunch of drunks like me.

Listen to the same material,
the same jokes, the same songs

year in and year out,
it's no good.

You can make it good
if you love her.

Don't you love her, Joe?

I guess you don't.

Cassie, you got a chip
on the wrong number.

You couldn't possibly be
more wrong.

Letty's the greatest thing
that ever happened to me.

Don't tell us, Joe.

Tell her.

Yeah.

It wouldn't get a laugh.

Dear Cassie,

we arrived at
(censored)

and took off right away
to entertain the troops at (censored)

(censored) (censored)

where we (censored)

So much for details.

Joe and I are scared stiff of flying

but Joe had a long talk
with this (censored) officer.

Major, I refuse to fly in anything
smaller than a four-motor plane.

See, it's against my religion.

I'm a devout coward.

But Major, the Army promised us
nothing but four motors.

Joe, you don't look well.

Look well... I'm beginning to look
like my passport picture.

What a night this turned out to be.

Joe Lewis in a flying electric fan,

accompanied by Austin Mack.

Hey, Joe, it's hot in here.

Yeah, maybe we oughta ask
the captain to open one of the windows.

I've been with the U.S.O. now
for quite a few months...

and I've seen plenty of action.

But I still like
the American broads better.

If you wonder why I'm not
in the service, it's simple.

They classified me 5-F.

That's a coward with dependence.

Well, I got an uncle.

This guy's got scrambled eggs
on his cap.

He's got fruit salad on his chest,
hash marks all over his arms.

He's no hero, he's a sloppy eater.

'General quarters.'
'General quarters.'

'Now all men back
to their battle stations.'

You boys stay down here.

'All men man your battle stations.'

'Enemy aircraft sighted.'

It don't...
don't look so good, does it?

We ain't winning.

What are you thinking about?

Cassie.

What are you thinking about?

Letty.

You should have married her.

Well, it won't be long now.

What are you smiling about?

I was just thinking
what Cassie's gonna say

when I tell her
I'm gonna marry Letty.

Cassie? What do you think
Letty's gonna say?

- Who is it?
- It's me, honey.

Austin!
Austin, wait just a minute!

Oh, Austin, darling!

How wonderful to see you!
I thought you'd never get here.

Joe!

What took you so long?
I waited for you at one o'clock.

Oh, darling, it's so wonderful
to have you back.

I missed you so much I couldn't sleep
just thinking about you.

I won't be here long,
unless you get me a sleeping pill.

I'm gonna make a call.

Here, I got some champagne
for you all. Darling, open it.

Operator, get me long distance.

Who are you calling
at this time of night?

Letty.

How's she been?

I don't know.
We haven't kept in touch.

What are you calling her about?

I'm gonna marry her.

Austin, will you open
that champagne and...

pour Joe a drink.

No, I don't want any,
thank you.

I think you will.

Letty got married, Joe.

Two weeks ago.

I read it in the paper.

Got married, huh?

I can't say that I blame her.

Two years, hanging around...

Pretty tough on her, too.

She's right,
she's absolutely right.

I sure don't need anybody
to cut my throat.

I do a good enough job.

Joe, look, it's done now...

Why can't you just...

Happy New Year.

Ladies and gentlemen, a great big
round of applause

for Martha, she deserves it.

She deserves it because this kid

kicks herself in the head
forty times a day.

And that's
what's the matter with her.

- Would you get me a refill, please?
- Are you sure, Joe?

Don't worry about me,
I only drink to steady my nerves.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
I only drink to steady...

and I wanna tell you something.
Sometimes I get so steady,

I can't move.

And I'm very happy, ladies and gentlemen,
to be back here in the Copacaboo

and I'm very pleased to see that
so many of my friends are here tonight.

Plus a few sober people.

Uh... I can't wait to see
what I'm gonna say next.

Mr. Mack here, he took up drinking
when he was overseas.

You know, there were some days

he was so drunk
I could hardly see him.

This kid reminds me
of a school teacher I once had.

She used to keep me
after school every day.

We were both expelled
at the same time.

Your cocktail, Mr. Lewis.
Would you like me to shake it?

Yeah, if you please, yes.

You want it to curdle?
Thank you.

It's been said many times that

whisky improves with age.

The older you get,
the more you like it.

Prost time.

Hey, that's tea.

You know, there are certain people
who think I drink too much.

Well, I resent it.
I do not deny it, I resent it.

Joe...

I can handle it.
Everything's fine.

You might be interested to know
that my doctor told me

that I would have to cut down
on my drinking, smoking,

and running around with a lot of girls.

Well, there was only one thing
I could do about that.

And I did it.

I changed doctors.

He asked me how I got in this kind of
rundown condition that' I'm in

so I told him.

He thought about it
for a while and he said,

Ask her if she's got a friend for me.

Prost time, Joe, prost time.

Yeah!

Ne'er wait.

I seem to be having trouble
getting away from the prost.

Uh...

Do you mind if I sit down
doing this, because uh...

I don't like the room
spinning around while I'm standing up.

I used to be a very romantic fella.

When I look around
at all these young fellas, I...

realize I'm an old man.

An old man is somebody
who can't take yes for an answer.

I used to go dancing a lot, too.

And I learned dancing
from Arthur Murray.

But I found out
it was more fun with a girl.

Don't worry about my staggering
when I walk, ladies and gentlemen,

because I always manage
to fall in a straight line.

Not so loud, pal.
They might here you out front.

But I've seen enough
of this married life, you know.

I had a friend
who was married and...

the first time
he came home at 8 a.m.,

his wife hit the ceiling.

She uh... she hit the ceiling.

She...

she was a poor shot,
that's the joke.

She was a poor shot.

But... that's enough of that.
Let's have a song, Mr. Mack.

Uh... All The Way.

# When you find a lover #

# It's no good unless you love her #

# All the way. #

# Never just a little #

# Don't go dealing from the middle #

# All the way. #

# Stay there for the full nine innings #

# And pitch with all your heart. #

# Stay there, double up your winnings #

# Don't let go of her. #

# If you're smart. #

# You won't find another #

# who is in your corner. #

Hey, pal,
you were left of the prost!

I should have drunk
to the bride and the groom.

Joe, what is it? Are you hurt?
- No, I'm fine.

It's all right.

- Help him to the bed...
- What's the matter, Joe?

Put him up here.

Just take it easy, Joe.

Lie still there.

I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just
you people are spinning around...

Everybody out, come on!
How do you feel, Joe?

Just great, great.

My arteries are as hard as rocks.

I got blood on my alcoholic system.

Please don't joke, Joe.
I'll get you some coffee.

- I'd better call him a doctor.
- Don't call me a doctor, call me a drunk.

I got the answer.

I'm gonna go to Florida
and settle down

and take it easy.
I'm gonna quit alcohol.

Would you like some coffee, Joe?

Yeah, Cassie's right,
I may even get married.

Everybody gets married.
I guess I ought to find a nice girl

Get married...

I just don't understand it.

How can it rain in Florida
in the middle of the season?

Just a spell of California weather.

Suddenly I'm all goose-pimply
and weak in the knees.

Relax, it comes with the trousseau.

I don't know what I'd do
without you, Cassie.

You'll do all right,
just so you two love each other.

I know how I feel.
I'm just crazy about him.

Sure you are, honey,
but do you love him?

Cassie, to me he's more fun,

more excitement than anyone
I ever knew.

And we like the same people,
the same things,

work all night, sleep all day...

It's gonna be a ball.

Well, just so it's a marriage too.

Say, you think
I'm making a mistake?

I'm betting on you
live happily ever after.

Thanks, honey.

I know Joe's
always been stuck on Letty.

But I've always been stuck on him.

A lot of people would say
there isn't much sense in that.

But there really is.

Sure there is.

And Joe's been on the wagon
almost two months.

That should prove something.

Sure it does.

Well...

I'm ready.

This marriage is going to be
a wonderful thing.

Just what I needed.

- Prost time, Joe.
- Yeah.

Kind of sloppy track though, uh?

- We're a winning entry.
- I'm giving you out. Let's go.

That's bridal music?

Get married on a Muskrat Ramble?

Don't get excited. They parlay this
until 'Here Comes the Bride.'

Martha and Joe,
you are now man and wife.

Joe, now you may kiss the bride.

Hey come on,
we gotta cut the cake.

Oh, honey, hold my hand
like they do in the advertisements.

Joe, where are they going
with the cake?

They're running it out.

Hey, who catered this wedding,
Nick, the Greek?

Here, the bride and groom
have the first roll.

Come on you gotta hurry
or you'll miss our plane.

Oh, my beautiful cake...
Bye, everybody.

- Joe!
- So long, bye, bye...

- Bless you both.
- Bye-bye, Austin, thank you so much.

Oh, the flowers!

You're all set.

I got your luggage at the airport.

And I got your tickets
in the side pocket there, Joe.

And your reservation at the Hotel Bermuda.
Now, good luck, kids.

- Thanks, Swifty.
- Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

- A telegram.
- We'll read them when we get back.

Wait a minute. Look,
there's one important here.

It's for you, Martha.
You gotta answer this.

Joe!

Oh, Joe, honey,
it's from my agent.

He wants me to come
to Hollywood right away.

He's got a wonderful part
in a movie for me.

Congratulations, baby.
When are you supposed to be there?

It says Wednesday.

But what am I talking about?

We'll be on our honeymoon
on Wednesday.

Oh, Joe, I wanna go
and I don't wanna go.

I'm like a Dr. Jeckel and a Mr. Hyde.

Yeah, I know, Mr. Hyde
with a split personality.

No, our honeymoon is more important.

- Swifty, you send him an answer.
- Yeah.

Tell him I...
What'll I say?

What does any girl
tell a Hollywood producer?

No.

For a memento?

So long, Swifty.
- Bye-bye, Swifty.

Good luck, kids.

Prost time, ladies and gentlemen

It's nice to be in Hollywood.

I needed that.

I've been on the wagon for two months

and I think I was pretty thirsty.

You know, there's a big federal tax
on whisky these days

and that's the only reason
why I drink.

I'm patriotic.

Believe me, I'm so patriotic
I get up every day

with red, white and blue eyes.

If you think they look bad
from where you are

you should be
on this side of them.

My thought for tonight,
ladies and gentlemen,

marriage is a wonderful thing.

After all, without marriage,

husbands and wives
would have to fight with strangers.

It's a funny thing, though,

a man never realizes
what happiness really is

until he gets married.

And then it's too late.

You know that Martha and I only knew
each other for a few weeks

and after we were married,
we were complete strangers.

You see, we got a little problem.

I work all night
and Martha works all day.

And uh... this is not
my idea of a honeymoon.

Let's face it, ladies and gentlemen.

You know, the last time I kissed Martha
was the day we were married.

It's beginning to worry me
a little bit now.

This morning, she went to work,

she left me a little note
started out, 'Dear sir'.

We better have a song, Mr. Mack.

I'd like to dedicate this little song,
ladies and gentlemen,

to my bride.

Mr. Mack.

# I got married to a girl #

# Naturally.

# I know cause she was dressed up #
# like a bride #

# Up to now it's pretty tame #

# All I did was change her name #

# At least I know my folks #

# are satisfied. #

# She became a movie star #

# Naturally. #

# And the hours don't quite #
# coincide for us #

# So the only time we meet #

# is when I give her my seat #

# as she gets on #
# and I get off the bus. #

# Martha, Martha #

# Where is Martha? #

# Are we making any dough? #

# Naturally. #

# Even more than just #
# our ordinary pay #

# We endorse a lot of things #

# Like that bed with in it springs #

# That you see in all #
# the magazines today #

# The one on the left side is she #

The one on the right side, #
# that's me. #

# It's the only time we got together #

# Naturally. #

I got a great cure
for a hangover, Swifty.

You take a juice
and a bottle of scotch,

You better get to bed, Joe.

Hey, I got an idea.

How about having one for O'Grady
and one for my load.

No thanks, good night.

Wake up Martha.

That's a very nice idea.

Come down off your tippy toes,
I'm not asleep.

Hi, honey.

Hello, stranger.

No, no, you'll smudge my lipstick.

That's the dream of every clean-cut
American boy.

Would you say that we
are turning out to be

like two ships
that pass in the night?

That's a very familiar smoke stack.

Isn't it pretty light
to be coming in even for you?

Funny...

I was thinking that...

it was pretty early to be leaving.

Even for you.

I have to be at the studio
by six, honey.

I knew I had a reason
for not coming home earlier.

I'd have wakened you...

you'd have had dark circles
under your eyes,

and it would have been
no good for your close ups.

You mustn't spoil
the lady's close ups.

Have you decided
about playing Las Vegas?

Hm-hmm.

Yeah, the boys are coming around
in a month or so

to start working on the act.

But I sure would like
to skip Vegas.

Maybe go on a vacation.

Together.

I'd like that, Joe,
but I don't think I can get away.

Oh, well, we'll bump
into each other from time to time.

Anyway, when your pictures
start coming out

I can get to see you
whenever I want to.

All I got to do is have the price
of a ticket to the matinees.

Don't drink anymore, Joe.

Get a good day's sleep, huh?
And eat some breakfast.

Bye.

Seems I came in here for something.

Joe, got the opening
for the Las Vegas show.

After only two weeks?
Congratulations.

Fifty dollars.

- Hello, Martha.
- Just in time, Martha.

Hi, honey,
how's my big movie star?

Joe, I left you a note this morning.
I said I'd be home early.

Didn't you even read it?

Yeah, I did, honey,
but when you were a little late

I figured I'd have the boys come up
for a few laughs.

Well, what happened was...

Joe, do you want to hear
the Belmont results?

Yeah, turn it up.
Hold it, Freddie.

- Joe...
- Shh.

- Eight sixty, five forty and three twenty.
Why don't you sit down?

Second Purvey, sixteen eighty
and twelve sixty.

Third Beavis, three twenty.

Okay, Sleeping Beauty!
Up!

- Come on, come on!
- Huh?

Oh, Martha, I lay down I guess
I must have slipped right off.

You know, it's a nice comfortable bed.

Thanks for the testimonial,

but next time I want
a bed tester, I'll call you.

- You'll be getting the best.
- Will you please go.

Sure, okay, excuse me.

What are you doing here?

Hello, lady, am I in the way?

Oh, no,
what ever gave you that idea?

We'll shave together.

Come on, get out of my bathroom.

I got all this lather on my face,
What'll I do?

Sing Jingle Bells.
Come on, get out, Santa!

All right, okay, okay, okay,
sweetie pie.

Oh, I want all of you to get out!

This isn't a bar or a gambling casino,
it's my home.

It's not a horse room.
It's my home.

Baby, what's a home
without a horse room?

- Relax.
- Relax?

Will you please tell me how to relax
to standing room only.

If I wanted to take a nap,
I'd have to do it standing up!

What are we doing here, Joe,
selling tickets?

I would like a little privacy
in my own home with my own husband.

I'm not asking for a lot.
Now get out, all of you.

- She's right, Joe...
- No, hold it, hold it.

baby, these people are my friends
and they're not leaving.

If they're so near and dear to you
that you can't bear to be without them,

why don't you go with them?

Come on, let's go.

I'll just get to Vegas
a few days earlier.

Swifty can pick up
the rest of my things.

Don't you want custody
of the poker chips, too?

I thought we were having
a family argument,

not a property settlement.

Which is Mr. Lewis's suite, please?
I'm his wife.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Lewis. 204.
But try the crap table on the left.

Thank you.

Hello, Joe.

- Hiya, baby.
- Hi, Martha.

What are you doing
here in Vegas?

Just came up to see my husband.

Maybe you brought me some luck.

- How you been?
- All right.

I'm sorry about the argument, Joe.

Oh, forget it.

Two aces, crap.

We're not doing so good,
are we, Joe?

Sure we are, baby.

We have a fight, we have a reconciliation,
it's better than breaking even.

And anyway, now that you're here
in Las Vegas

it's a wonderful place to have
our long postponed honeymoon.

I'd love that, Joe.

Only I have to be back
at the studio tomorrow.

I read somewhere
that the picture was finished.

This is a new one.
It's in Technicolor.

Oh.

It'll be finished in eight weeks.

Seven.
Joe, it's your dice now.

Joe, maybe we could go
someplace quiet

and talk for a little while, huh?

Yeah, it's a good idea, honey.

Look, you go to the bar.
I'll be there in about ten minutes.

Swifty, take Martha over
and buy her a drink.

- Come on, Martha.
- Thanks.

- Coming up. Hands up there, Buddy.
- I can buy my own drink,

- Martha!
- Hey!

Hi, honey, it's always wonderful
to see you.

- Come on, sit down.
- Did you see Joe?

Yeah. And for a minute
I thought he saw me.

What'll you have, folks?

- I'll take them all.
- You're kidding.

Oh no, I'm not.

I want to find out what's in that stuff
that's more fun than a wife.

- Keep the change, honey.
- Thank you.

Look, Martha, that's not
going to do any good.

Uh... excuse me.

- Eight wins.
- Joe, Joe...

Martha's pretty upset.

I ain't exactly relaxed.
I'm stuck $20.000.

Joe, the crap table
will be here tomorrow.

Come on, talk to her now.
You've got a performance...

Give me a break, Austin.
I'll be there, I tell you.

I'll be right there.

Go on... ten.

Please, Martha, that's not
going to prove anything.

It's gonna prove
I'm the wife of Joe E. Lewis.

No... don't tell me, I know.

He's too busy to talk to me now.

He's being held over
at the crap table.

Who am I kidding?

It's been my fault
from the very beginning

for getting our marriage
off to such a...

nothing start.

Prost time.

What's the matter?
Nobody laughing?

Everybody laughs when Joe does it.

Remember me?

I said I'd be right there.

Joe...

Can't you stop for just
a few minutes and talk to me?

Honey, don't shield for the place.
I'm stuck twenty-five gees.

I guess that tells me.

Tells you what?

I know you don't care that
about money.

So now I know you care
less than that about us.

Loser seven.

Look, baby... Swifty, take her
to the suite, will you?

Come on, Martha...

I'm not going
to any suite with you!

You're not my husband.

He's my husband.

You, mister.

You, you're the one
I'm talking about.

You're gonna stop right now
and listen to what I've got to say.

All right, I'm listening.
What have you got to say.

Good-bye, I guess.

That's what I want to say.

Just good-bye.

- Martha, baby...
- You can't trust me anymore.

I'm the girl who was
almost married to you, remember?

Martha...

I know I haven't been
much of a wife.

But you?

You know who you
should have married?

Seabiscuit!

Seabiscuit with a bartender
on his back,

that's a perfect mate for you.

Joe.

Let's get a divorce so we can go back

to liking each other
the way we used to?

We've got to get a divorce,
Joe, because...

darling...

I'm still so crazy about you
I can't see straight.

Joe...

Eight to five
she doesn't make it to the door.

Joe, Joe, Joe!

Cassie went after her.

Do you want to skip the performance?

What would I do instead?

I'm sorry, Joe. I wish there was
something I could do.

You could get me her stomach.

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen,

and to those of you
who have seen me before,

I say welcome.

And to those of you
who have never seen me,

I say, cowards.

Prost time.

I'm very glad to be back,
ladies and gentlemen,

but I only come to Las Vegas
for sentimental reasons.

I come to visit my money.

And Las Vegas is the only place
I know where money really talks.

It says good-bye.

That's a good idea.
Why don't you say good-bye, too?

Of all the open manholes
in this town,

my luck he had to fall in this one.

Mr. Mack,

ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Austin Mack,

my accompanist,

uh...

thank you...

Recently Mr. Mack has had
many offers to leave me, and I know...

because I made most of them.

Get off, Lewis, you're holding up
the entertainment.

Don't look now, pal,
but the war is over

you can get new parts
for your head.

That's a good joke,
where did you get that,

in a cut-rate store.

Ladies and gentlemen,

don't let him bother you,
don't pay too much attention,

because in a little while
he'll be leaving

soon as they clean up his cage.

Funny, funny, this guy's funny.

No hard feelings, pal,
no hard feelings.

Just meet me at the pool
tomorrow morning

and I'll give you a lesson
in drowning.

I hear you and your wife
give drunk lessons, too.

Are you all right?

- Hm?
- Yes.

All right, Cassie,
get it off your chest.

All of it.

All the things you've wanted to say
all these years.

You'd better get yourself
another piano player, Joe.

# When somebody loves you #

# It's no good unless he loves you #

# All the way. #

# Happy to be near you #

# When you need someone to cheer you #

# All the way. #

Aw, shut up.

Your cocktail, Mr. Lewis.

Do you want me to shake it?

Just a little?

Ladies and gentlemen,

a girl with a hole in her head.

What a wonderful girl.

You didn't have to give Cassie
that fancy present.

She's not sore anymore.

See you at the opening.

Hey.

You thinking of taking a few belts
before you go on?

Yeah, I'm always thinking about having
a few belts before I go on.

Three months in the hospital
wasn't enough punishment, huh?

You want to play a return engagement.

Who are you, an advance man
for Alcoholics Anonymous?

I just don't like hospitals.

So?

So, so face up to it.

Liquor won't change
what happened with Letty.

Or with Martha.

And it won't bring back your voice,

And speaking of the voice,
Caruso you would never have been.

You know,
you'd make a perfect stranger.

Hey.

This is one heckle you're not
gonna lose too easily.

Why don't you face up to it?

All you can get out of a bottle
is a phony dream.

Yeah, sure.

What do you got to offer?

Everything you already have.

Life's pretty good, you know.

You entertain people,
you make them laugh.

It's what you really want.

Pssst.
Hey, funny man.

You make everybody else laugh.

How about making me laugh
for a change?

I'll try.

I'll really try.

Subtitles: Lu�s Filipe Bernardes