Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Announcer: ROBERT YOUNG...

AND JANE WYATT.

(laughter)

WITH ELINOR DONAHUE, BILLY GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN...

(intercom buzzes)

YES?

Man: MR. JAMES ANDERSON,

YOU ARE A NO-GOOD RAT!

EXCUSE ME, IS THIS McDERMOTT'S FISH MARKET?

WELL, FOR... VIRG CARLSON!

HI, CHOWDERHEAD! HA HA HA

HOW ARE YOU, VIRG? YOU OLD SON OF A GUN!

HOW ARE YOU, YOU DEPLORABLE WRETCH?

WHY, YOU UGLY, MISERABLE WEB!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN SPRINGFIELD?

I'M GONNA LIVE HERE. WHAT?

I GOT TRANSFERRED.

WHAT HORRIBLE NEWS FOR SPRINGFIELD.

(both laugh)

MY GOSH, JIM, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE, UH...

WELL, SINCE THE DAY THE ARMY DECIDED

THEY COULD GET ALONG WITHOUT US.

THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.

SIT DOWN. BRING ME UP TO DATE.

YOUR LAST LETTER INDICATED

YOU WERE FINALLY GONNA GET MARRIED. DID YOU?

YEP. FINALLY GOT TRAPPED.

WHAT'S SHE LIKE? ANYONE I KNOW? NO.

WEARS SHOES? VERY SELDOM, VERY SELDOM.

(laughs) HEY, I'M GOING TO CALL MARGARET.

THIS'LL KNOCK HER RIGHT OFF OF HER FEET.

HOW IS MARGARET? AW, GREAT.

GETS PRETTIER EVERY DAY.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR BRIDE. IS SHE...

HELLO? HONEY, I HAVE TERRIBLE NEWS FOR YOU.

GUESS WHO'S MOVING TO SPRINGFIELD.

VIRG CARLSON.

(both laugh)

OH, HE'S JUST AS UGLY AS EVER.

YES, HE'S MARRIED.

WHAT? GOOD IDEA. IS YOUR WIFE WITH YOU?

SHE'S AT THE HOTEL. WE HAVEN'T FOUND A PLACE YET.

MARGARET WANTS YOU TO HAVE DINNER WITH US TONIGHT.

WELL... THEY'LL COME.

OKAY, FINE, HONEY. GOOD-BYE.

7:00 ALL RIGHT? WELL, SURE, JIM.

BUT THAT'S PRETTY SHORT NOTICE FOR MARGARET, ISN'T IT?

IT WAS HER IDEA. HERE, YOU'D BETTER CALL YOUR WIFE.

HOW'S YOUR GOLF GAME? YOU STILL ABLE TO HOBBLE AROUND A COURSE?

I CAN STAGGER THROUGH A FEW HOLES.

ENOUGH TO BEAT YOU. HEH HEH.

JILL CARLSON, PLEASE. ROOM 412.

OH?

NO, I'LL SEE HER LATER. THANK YOU.

HAS SHE LEFT YOU ALREADY?

NO, SHE'S GONE TO THE ZOO.

WELL, JIM BOY, I'VE GOT THINGS TO DO, BUT I'LL SEE YOU AT 7:00.

607 SOUTH MAPLE, RIGHT?

THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH. HA HA! SEE YOU, VIRG.

OKAY.

(chuckles)

TO THE ZOO?

FUNNY HOW OUR PATHS KEEP CROSSING...

HIGH SCHOOL, COLLEGE, OUR FIRST JOBS,

THE ARMY, AND NOW HERE.

I KEEP WONDERING WHAT HIS WIFE IS LIKE.

DID HE SAY MUCH ABOUT HER?

NO, BUT KNOWING HOW METICULOUS VIRG IS,

IT'S EASY TO IMAGINE HER.

ACTUALLY, ALL I KNOW IS HER NAME IS JILL

AND SHE WENT TO THE ZOO THIS AFTERNOON.

THE ZOO? (knock on door)

FATHER, YOUR FRIEND AND HIS WIFE ARE HERE.

ALREADY? BY GEORGE, IT IS 7:00.

YOU READY, HONEY?

I HOPE I LOOK ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT? OHH. (chuckles)

IF YOU LOOKED ANY MORE WONDERFUL, I'D... I'D MARRY YOU.

HA HA HA! WELL, YOU CAN CERTAINLY TELL THAT'S JIM'S SON.

THOSE EYES, THAT NOSE.

THAT INTELLIGENT, HANDSOME LOOK?

MARGARET. VIRG.

MARGARET, YOU LOOK WONDERFUL, JUST WONDERFUL.

SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!

MARGARET, JIM... THIS IS JILL.

(turns on TV)

HIYA. I PROBABLY BROKE YOUR TV SET.

EITHER THAT, OR THIS BALLET DANCER ACTUALLY HAS TWO HEADS.

(chuckles)

I'LL FIX IT, JILL.

WE GET A LOT OF TWO-HEADED PEOPLE ON OUR SET.

OH, JILL, I'M VERY HAPPY TO KNOW YOU,

AND I THINK IT'S JUST WONDERFUL

THAT YOU AND VIRG ARE GOING TO COME HERE TO LIVE.

WHY, JIM'S BEEN ACTING LIKE A...

LIKE A LITTLE BOY WITH A NEW FOOTBALL.

SAME WITH THIS ONE. HE'S BEEN PRACTICALLY NAUSEATING ABOUT IT.

(laughs) THERE OUGHT TO BE A LAW AGAINST OLD GRADS.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE, JILL?

OH, I DON'T CARE.

OF COURSE, I'M MAD ABOUT THE FIGHTS AND WRESTLING,

BUT I COULDN'T FIND ANY. TURN IT OFF.

VIRGIE BABY, GET ME AN ASHTRAY.

OH, THERE'S SOME OVER HERE.

COME ON, SIT DOWN, KNOTHEAD.

SAY, WE MET YOUR DAUGHTER BETTY,

AND WE WERE QUITE IMPRESSED. VERY PRETTY.

YOU KNOW, I THINK VIRG HAS A DAUGHTER COMPLEX.

THAT'S HOW HE TREATS ME MOST OF THE TIME... AS IF I WERE HIS DAUGHTER!

WE'RE PRETTY PROUD OF BETTY.

I'M SORRY BUD ISN'T HERE, BUT YOU'LL SEE HIM LATER.

OUR LITTLE ONE IS PLAYING OUTSIDE.

GOOD HEAVENS! YOU HAVE THREE?

OH, I THINK THAT'S WONDERFUL. JUST WONDERFUL!

HE WOULD. OF COURSE, HE'D LIKE IT BETTER IF IT WERE SIX.

(laughs) WHO'S GOT A CIGARETTE?

OH.

THANK YOU, JIMMY.

I'LL LET YOU LIGHT IT, VIRGIE BABY.

WELL, WHERE ARE THE COLLEGE YEARBOOKS?

I THOUGHT BY NOW WE'D BE DEEP IN...

"BY GEORGE, ISN'T THAT OLD IGGY SYLBART?

"WHATEVER BECAME OF OLD IGGY?

"RUNNING A BANANA BOAT? WELL, I'LL BE DARNED!

"WHO'D HE MARRY? VERONICA ZUTCH?!

NO! I THOUGHT SHE'D SPEARED THAT JAVELIN THROWER OVER AT THE DOUGLAS HOUSE!"

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU START?

OH, I'D MUCH RATHER HEAR YOU TELL IT.

THIS IGGY SOUNDS LIKE A PRETTY FASCINATING CHARACTER.

I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU... HE'S NOT.

MARGE, WHAT SHALL WE DISCUSS

WHILE THEY'RE RECALLING THEIR MISSPENT YOUTH?

YOU READ ANY GOOD BOOKS LATELY?

ACTUALLY, THE CHILDREN KEEP ME SO BUSY, I NEVER HAVE TIME.

VIRGIE BABY, HAND ME MY GLASSES.

HE HAS TO CARRY THEM FOR ME BECAUSE I ALWAYS LOSE THEM.

MY FIFTH PAIR. HEH.

SILAS MARNER?

WELL, I, UM... I THINK ONE OF THE CHILDREN

IS READING THAT FOR SCHOOL.

IT'S... WELL, IT'S REQUIRED READING.

NO WONDER THEY DON'T LEARN ANYTHING.

OH, SAY, HAVE YOU READ KAFKA?

NO. HEH. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO WROTE IT.

(laughs)

OH, YOU'RE PRICELESS!

FRANZ KAFKA.

HE'S ONE OF MY PETS. WRITES BEAUTIFULLY.

YOU MUST READ THE TRIAL. YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST.

I THINK IT COMPARES WITH JEAN-PAUL SARTRE'S NAUSEA.

THAT'S A BOOK. THAT'S A BOOK.

HIS FIRST NOVEL. AND BETTER THAN BAUDELAIRE, I THINK.

OF COURSE, YOU'VE READ BAUDELAIRE.

(sighs) NO, I HAVEN'T. YOU HAVEN'T?

HONEY, EVERYONE DOESN'T HAVE THE TIME TO READ THAT YOU DO.

WELL, I DON'T, EITHER, BUT I MAKE TIME.

JILL LOVES TO READ.

SHE READS THINGS THAT I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND.

YOU DON'T TRY. VIRG IS THE KIND

WHO READS A STORY IN THE NEW YORKER

AND SAYS, "WHERE'S THE ENDING?"

(both laugh)

OH, POOR VIRGIE WANTS EVERYTHING SPELLED OUT FOR HIM

IN NEON AND IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

Kathy: HEY, MOMMY!

BOY, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THAT SCARY MOVIE

ME AND PATTY SAW ON TV.

THERE WAS THIS ONE MAN WHO HAD A SPOOK FOR A GRANDMOTHER,

AND HE... OH.

(gasps) OH, SHE'S CUTE!

HELLO, HONEY.

MEET YOUR SPOOKY OLD AUNTIE JILL.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, HONEY?

I'M ALSO VERY GOOD WITH DOGS.

REMINDS ME OF WHAT SOMEBODY SAID ABOUT W.C. FIELDS ONCE.

"ANY MAN WHO HATES DOGS AND CHILDREN

CAN'T BE ALL BAD."

DADDY?

DADDY, YOU'RE BEING PAGED.

I THINK SHE WANTS TO ASK YOU IF I CAME HERE ON A BROOM.

DADDY!

I'LL GO, DEAR. I HAVE TO SEE ABOUT DINNER ANYWAY.

OH, NEED ANY HELP? I CAN'T EVEN BOIL WATER,

BUT I'M A DEMON AT CARRYING PICKLES AND STUFFED OLIVES.

NO, EVERYTHING'S DONE, THANK YOU.

WELL, HOW EFFICIENT CAN YOU BE?

VIRG, WHY DIDN'T YOU MARRY SOMEBODY LIKE HER?

PROBABLY EVEN MAKES HER OWN CLOTHES.

(chuckles)

WELL, UM... IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

ANYBODY CARE IF I TAKE MY SHOES OFF?

OH, HONEY, LEAVE YOUR SHOES ON.

NO, THAT'S OKAY. THE KEYNOTE OF THE ANDERSON HOUSEHOLD IS COMFORT.

COMPLETE COMFORT!

OHH, I HATE SHOES.

THEY GIVE ME CLAUSTROPHOBIA.

(chuckles)

IS SHE REALLY MY AUNT?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

BOY, THAT'S A RELIEF.

I THOUGHT I WAS SEEING THAT SCARY MOVIE AGAIN.

KATHY, THAT'S NOT A NICE WAY TO TALK.

SHE'S THE WIFE OF A VERY DEAR FRIEND OF YOUR FATHER'S,

AND SHE'S OUR GUEST, AND... AND YOU MUST BE NICE TO HER.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS HOW THOSE TWO GOT TOGETHER.

HE'S SO... SO BROOKS BROTHERY, AND SHE'S SO AWFUL...

BETTY, I'M... I'M SURE SHE'S VERY NICE.

BUT THAT OUTFIT.

LOOKS LIKE SHE GOT IT AT A RUMMAGE SALE.

BETTY, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.

DO YOU LIKE HER, MOMMY?

I'M SURE SHE'S... SHE'S VERY NICE.

UH, TELL THEM DINNER'S ON.

YES, MOTHER.

YOU GONNA HIT HER, MOMMY?

OH, KATHY.

HONEY, DON'T BE MAD AT ME JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE JILL.

I DIDN'T SAY I DIDN'T LIKE HER.

YOU WERE UNCOMFORTABLE EVERY SECOND.

WHO WOULDN'T BE? I FELT LIKE A FOOL.

HONEY, THERE WAS NO REASON FOR YOU TO FEEL LIKE THAT.

NO? HOW WOULD YOU FEEL

IF SOMEONE WAS MAKING FUN OF YOU ALL EVENING?

SHE WASN'T MAKING FUN OF YOU.

SHE HAS GREAT ADMIRATION FOR YOU.

LOOK HOW SHE KEPT COMPLIMENTING YOU.

OH, SURE. MY HOME COOKING, MY HOME SEWING,

MY HOME... STUPIDITY.

SWEET, PRIM, DUMB LITTLE PROVINCIAL WIFE.

OH, I CAN'T UNDO THAT SILLY THING.

DON'T JUST STAND THERE. HELP ME.

HONEY, I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU LIKE THIS.

AND PLEASE STOP SAYING THOSE SILLY THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF.

NO ONE IN THE WORLD CAN COMPARE WITH YOU.

NO ONE.

OH, I'M SORRY, DEAR. I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING

TO SPOIL YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH VIRG, BUT...

WELL, YOU MUST ADMIT SHE IS DIFFERENT.

LET'S JUST DON'T PUSH THINGS.

LET ME TAKE HER IN SMALL DOSES.

SURE. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS.

WE PROBABLY WON'T SEE THEM AGAIN FOR ANOTHER...

FOR ANOTHER WHAT?

OH. WELL... I'LL CANCEL THAT.

JIM, I HATE TO BOTHER YOU SO EARLY IN THE MORNING,

BUT I'VE GOT A LITTLE PROBLEM.

OH, ANYTHING SERIOUS, VIRG?

I GOT A WIRE FROM MOTHER. SHE'S SELLING THE HOUSE

AND GOT IT ALL BALLED UP.

I HAVE TO FLY BACK THERE AND STRAIGHTEN THINGS OUT.

OH, THAT'S A SHAME.

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP? WHAT ABOUT YOUR PLANE RESERVATION?

WELL, I'M ALL SET ON THAT, BUT I, UH...

I'M NOT TAKING JILL WITH ME. OH?

SHE... WELL, SHE AND MOTHER DON'T HIT IT OFF TOO WELL.

IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS, YOU KNOW.

YEAH.

JILL'S REALLY A VERY FINE PERSON.

OH, SHE IS, DEFINITELY.

I HATE TO LEAVE HER ALONE.

SHE GETS KIND OF FRIGHTENED WHEN SHE'S BY HERSELF.

I WAS WONDERING IF...

IF IT'D BE TOO MUCH BOTHER

IF SHE STAYED AT YOUR PLACE...

JUST FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

IT'S NOT BOTHER AT ALL. WE'D LOVE TO HAVE HER.

I KNOW THIS IS A LOT TO ASK, JIM.

OH, FORGET IT. I WAS GONNA BRING IT UP MYSELF.

WELL, IT TAKES A LITTLE WHILE

TO REALLY GET TO KNOW JILL...

LOOK, WE'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER. DON'T WORRY.

WHAT TIME'S YOUR PLANE?

I'D BETTER HURRY. I STILL HAVE TO PACK.

JIM, I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE THIS.

YOU'RE THE ONE GUY...

CUT IT OUT. IT'S OUR PLEASURE, VIRG.

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR TRIP.

THANKS, JIM. (chuckles)

SO, YOU CAN SEE HOW IT IS, MARGARET...

MY BEST FRIEND... WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?

I COULDN'T VERY WELL TURN HIM DOWN.

WELL, I... I THINK IT'S FINE.

AFTER ALL, SHE DOESN'T KNOW A SOUL IN TOWN,

AND HE CAME RIGHT OUT AND ASKED ME.

I SAID IT WAS FINE WITH ME.

IT'LL ONLY BE FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS, MAYBE EVEN LESS.

JIM, I TOLD YOU I WAS FOR IT, AND I...

WELL, I WOULD'VE SUGGESTED IT MYSELF.

WELL... GOOD.

IT'LL GIVE US A CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW HER BETTER.

WHERE'S OUR GUEST?

I THOUGHT SHE'D BE EATING BREAKFAST.

SHE'S OUT THERE. AND LOOK WHAT SHE'S DOING.

IS THERE NO END TO THE LADY'S TALENTS?

IT'S PRETTY SILLY, IF YOU ASK ME.

I WONDER WHAT THE NEIGHBORS ARE THINKING.

WHAT THE NEIGHBORS ARE THINKING ABOUT WHAT?

THAT. HMM?

IT SEEMS WE HAVE A LADY DiMAGGIO IN OUR MIDST.

SHE HAS A GOOD PEG.

THROWS A PRETTY FAIR CURVE, TOO.

SHE CERTAINLY THREW US ONE.

BETTY, I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THINGS LIKE THAT.

SHE'S OUR GUEST. I KNOW, MOTHER.

BUT MY GOSH, SHE'S MAKING A WRECK OF YOU.

WAITING ON HER, PICKING UP AFTER HER.

SHE'S GOT YOU ALL TIED UP IN LITTLE BITTY KNOTS.

YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE YOURSELF AT ALL.

I FEEL PERFECTLY FINE.

HURRY UP OR YOU'LL BE LATE FOR SCHOOL.

ALL RIGHT, MOTHER, BUT ISN'T IT...

BETTY, IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL.

(sighs) YES, FATHER.

SOMEBODY BETTER GO OUT AND TELL BUD, TOO.

YEAH.

OKAY.

OKAY, BUSTER, LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT!

SORRY TO BREAK UP THIS BATTERY,

BUT YOUR PARTNER HAS TO GO TO SCHOOL.

Bud: HEY, WATCH OUT, JILL!

JILL, ARE YOU HURT?

WELL, IT DIDN'T DO ME ANY GOOD.

LET ME SEE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GONNA LOOK AWAY JUST THEN.

OH, I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A NICE LITTLE GOOSE EGG.

BUD, GET ME SOME ICE IN A COLD CLOTH.

OH, DON'T BOTHER. I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

JUST A LITTLE DIZZY.

BUT ON ME, IT LOOKS NATURAL.

(laughs) WELL, I'M OFF TO A GREAT START TODAY.

ONLY BREAKFAST TIME,

AND LOOK AT ALL THE TROUBLE I'VE CAUSED ALREADY.

OH, IT'S NO TROUBLE.

ARE YOU HURT BADLY, JILL?

SEE? RIGHT HERE.

WHERE DOES SHE WANT THIS? ON THE HEAD?

IT'S BEGINNING TO SWELL. HERE, LET ME HAVE THAT.

I'LL DO IT. YOU'LL BE LATE FOR THE OFFICE.

WELL, I HAVEN'T HAD BREAKFAST.

YOU CAN GET SOMETHING IN TOWN.

I'LL BE MUCH TOO BUSY TO FIX YOU ANYTHING.

WELL, OKAY.

SEE YOU TONIGHT, HONEY.

OH, I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER, JILL.

I'M SURE SHE'LL RECOVER QUITE SPEEDILY.

GOOD-BYE, DEAR.

MOMMY!

HI, KATH. OH, HELLO.

YOU STILL HERE?

YEAH, I'M GETTING KIND OF UNBEARABLE, HUH?

WON'T BE MUCH LONGER, THOUGH.

VIRG WILL BE BACK TOMORROW... I HOPE.

WANT TO SEE WHAT I GOT?

SURE, WHAT YOU GOT, KATH?

COME ON DOWN HERE. BUT BE AWFUL CAREFUL.

AAAAAH!

(laughs) IT'S JUST A LITTLE FROG.

NOW WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WE'RE JUST PLAYING WITH MY NEW LITTLE FROG.

KATHY, LOOK AT THE FLOOR. AND LOOK AT YOU.

YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND SCRUB UP GOOD

AND WASH YOUR HAIR.

I CAN'T DO THAT ALONE. WILL YOU HELP ME?

I WILL IN A MINUTE. I HAVE TO CLEAN THIS UP FIRST.

OHH! OH LET ME DO IT. I'LL CLEAN IT UP.

NO, NO, I'LL DO IT.

THANK YOU.

WILL YOU BRING THE FROG UP SO I CAN PUT HIM IN THE TUB?

NO!

OH, HI, JILL. OR... MRS. CARLSON.

HOW'S YOUR HEAD? OH, IT'S FINE.

ANOTHER HOLE IN THIS HEAD WON'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

(laughs) YEAH. YOU FEEL WELL ENOUGH

TO GO OUT AND CATCH A FEW?

WELL, I... YOU HAVE HOMEWORK TO DO, BUD.

YOU'D BETTER GET IT DONE NOW...

BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR HIGH WIRE NIGHT.

OH, YEAH. I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THAT.

HEY, MAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME WITH IT.

IT'S ENGLISH GRAMMAR. YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD AT STUFF LIKE THAT.

SURE. THAT THERE GRAMMAR JUNK

ARE ONE THING AT WHICH I ARE REAL GOOD AT WHICH.

(laughs) I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT WE GOTTA DO.

BUD, DON'T BOTHER MRS. CARLSON.

SHE'S NOT FEELING WELL.

SHE DOESN'T MIND. DO YOU?

SEE THESE SENTENCES? WE GOTTA PICK OUT THE SUBJUNCTIVE

AND ALL THAT STUFF.

"JIMMY WISHED THE WOMAN WOULD LEAVE THE DOG WITH HIM."

IS THAT INDICATIVE OR SUBJUNCTIVE?

WHAT'D YOU SAY?

"WISHED THE WOMAN WOULD LEAVE."

IS THAT INDICATIVE?

VERY. HUH?

I SUPPOSE SHE JUST SAT THERE AND WATCHED YOU CLEAN UP THE MESS.

(telephone rings)

WELL, VIRG WILL BE HERE TOMORROW,

AND EVERYTHING WILL BE BACK TO NORMAL.

HELLO? YES. YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

THIS IS LONG DISTANCE. MAYBE IT'S VIRG.

HELLO? HELLO, VIRG.

NO, THIS IS MARGARET. OH, SHE'S FINE.

YES, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

WILL YOU BE BACK TOMORROW?

WE'RE ALL TERRIBLY ANXIOUS TO SEE YOU.

OH.

OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY TO HEAR THAT, VIRG.

OH, NO. NO, IT'S NO IMPOSITION.

CERTAINLY NOT.

YES, JUST A MINUTE. I'LL CALL HER

HE WON'T BE BACK FOR TWO OR THREE DAYS.

(laughter)

OH, YES. AND ON THIS SENTENCE,

HE SAID THE PHRASE "DIVIDED HIGHWAY"

WAS A SPLIT INFINITIVE.

(laughs) I OUGHT TO SPLIT AN INFINITIVE

RIGHT OVER YOUR SILLY HEAD.

OH, HI, HONEY.

JILL, VIRG WANTS TO SPEAK TO YOU

ON THE TELEPHONE.

OH, REALLY?

VIRGIE? OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO HEAR YOUR VOICE.

MOTHER, I'VE BEEN THINKING...

SET THE TABLE FOR DINNER, PLEASE.

YES, BUT, MOTHER, I'M NOT GOING TO STAND BY

AND WATCH YOU BECOME A REPRESSED NEUROTIC JUST BECAUSE...

WHO'S NEUROTIC?

I AM. I'M PART NEUROTIC AND PART NORWEGIAN.

WHAT ARE YOU?

FATHER, NOW, YOU LISTEN.

THE TIME HAS COME TO TAKE STEPS.

ARE YOU LISTENING? MM-HMM.

IN MY PSYCHOLOGY BOOK,

IT SAYS WHEN TWO PERSONS WITH CONFLICTING PERSONALITIES

ARE THROWN TOGETHER FOR A PROLONGED PERIOD...

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE, MR. ANTHONY.

I'LL TAKE THE CHILDREN AND RETURN TO MY FORMER HUSBAND.

FATHER, I'M NOT A CHILD, SO PLEASE...

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE A YOUNG LADY, AND A VERY ATTRACTIVE ONE.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE ALSO VERY GOOD AT SETTING TABLES.

NOW, MADAM, YOUR PROBLEM.

YOU SAY YOUR HUSBAND BEATS YOU WITH SECONDHAND ZITHER,

AND HE DOESN'T EVEN BELONG TO THE MUSICIANS' UNION.

OH, HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU BLOW UP?

THROW THINGS, FILL OVER. YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

(crying) OH, JIM, I KNOW I'M BEING SILLY,

BUT I... I JUST CAN'T HELP IT.

I FEEL ALL TIED UP IN KNOTS.

THIS HAS GOTTEN UNDER MY SKIN.

I FEEL LIKE... LIKE...

A REPRESSED NEUROTIC?

ONE WHO'S BEEN BEATEN WITH A SECONDHAND ZITHER.

(chuckles)

I'M SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I DO. WHEN VIRG GETS HOME TOMORROW...

HE WON'T BE HERE, NOT FOR TWO OR THREE DAYS YET.

THAT'S WHY HE CALLED.

OH?

WELL, THAT SETTLES IT. JILL GOES BACK TO THE HOTEL.

JIM, WE CAN'T DO THAT.

SHE'S OUR GUEST. AND WHAT ABOUT VIRG? HOW WILL HE FEEL?

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT MATTERS TO ME... YOU.

WELL, HURRY HOME, SWEETIE.

HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.

I NEED YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

(kiss)

BYE.

MOMMY!

WHAT'S THE MATTER, FROGGY?

YOU GOT PROBLEMS, TOO?

I CAN'T GET ANYBODY TO "CHAMPOO" ME.

WELL, HOW ABOUT ME? I'M A CHAMPEEN CHAMPOOER.

YOU? OH, DON'T LOOK SO DOUBTFUL.

I'M NOT A COMPLETE BUST.

HEY! DON'T GET ANY IN MY EYES!

OH, STOP WORRYING, FROGGY. I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE.

ON YOUR OWN LITTLE GIRLS?

NO. I DON'T HAVE ANY LITTLE GIRLS.

NOT ANY? NOPE.

DON'T YOU GET AWFUL LONESOME?

KATH... THAT'S THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE WEEK.

HEY, PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN HERE AND WE'LL RINSE IT.

HAVE YOU GOT A MOMMY?

NOT ANYMORE. COME ON.

ANY FRIENDS?

STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS, FROGGY,

AND DIP THE NOGGIN.

I GOT LOTS OF FRIENDS.

WELL, DON'T LOSE THEM, HONEY.

SOME OF US JUST DON'T SEEM TO HAVE A TALENT FOR MAKING FRIENDS.

AND BOTCH EVERY OPPORTUNITY THAT COMES ALONG.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS?

I SURE DO.

A WONDERFUL ONE.

AND I'M MARRIED TO HIM.

GEE, YOU OUGHT TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GOING TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

(sobbing)

HI, MOMMY.

OH!

MY HAIR'S ALL WASHED, MOMMY.

SHE HELPED ME.

SHE DID?

KATHY, WHY WAS SHE CRYING?

I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS I'M UNPOPULAR.

I TOLD HER I WAS GONNA BE HER FRIEND,

AND IT MADE HER CRY.

OH.

AND SHE NEEDS SOME FRIENDS, TOO.

SHE ONLY HAS ONE, AND SHE'S MARRIED TO HIM.

MAYBE SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS.

MAYBE.

AND MAYBE SOME OTHERS DON'T GIVE HER THE CHANCE.

JILL, MAY I COME IN?

I, UH, HEAR VIRG IS HAVING A LITTLE MORE DIFFICULTY

THAN HE FIGURED.

OH, BUT DON'T WORRY. I'M GOING BACK TO THE HOTEL.

OH, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT... BUT I DO.

I... I KNOW I'VE MADE A MESS OF THINGS.

IT ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN VIRG LEAVES ME ALONE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DO WRONG.

I TRY TO GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE, WITH WOMEN,

BUT EVEN VIRG'S MOTHER HATES ME,

AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOU.

SHE'S JUST MAKING UP HALF THIS TROUBLE

TO KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME.

WELL, JILL, LOOK... NO, JIM, PLEASE.

I CAN'T JUST SIT AROUND AND TWIDDLE MY THUMBS.

IF I COULD BE OF SOME HELP, SCRUB A FLOOR, DO ANYTHING.

BUT MARGARET DOESN'T WANT ME AROUND, AND I DON'T BLAME HER.

POOR VIRG.

HE HOPED THAT SHE AND I WOULD BE SUCH GREAT FRIENDS.

Margaret: JILL?

THANK YOU FOR SHAMPOOING KATHY.

HONEY, JILL'S MOVING BACK TO THE HOTEL.

AND LEAVE ME TO GET DINNER?

JILL, NOW, I WANT A STRAIGHT ANSWER FROM YOU.

HOW ARE YOU AT MASHING POTATOES?

WELL, I... I'M PRETTY GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, THEN. DON'T JUST STAND THERE.

YOU AND I HAVE GOT THREE HUNGRY KIDS TO FEED.

NOT TO MENTION THIS ONE.

YES, SIR.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER...

OF A SECONDHAND ZITHER.

WELL, WAS THAT WHEN YOU MET VIRG?

NO, IT WAS KIND OF SILLY THE WAY I MET HIM.

IT WAS IN A MEXICAN FIESTA IN EL PASO.

I FELL OFF A TAMALE WAGON

INTO THE ARMS OF THIS GOOD-LOOKING MAN

WHO HAPPENED TO BE WALKING BY.

THAT WAS VIRG.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING ON A TAMALE WAGON?

TRYING TO GET A BETTER LOOK AT THE GOOD-LOOKING MAN

WHO WAS WALKING BY.

MARGARET! I NEED A BUTTON SEWED ON THIS SHIRT FOR TOMORR...

OH, I THOUGHT MARGARET WAS HERE.

SHE'S IN THE LIVING ROOM. DIDN'T YOU SEE HER?

UH-UH.

BUT YOU'D BETTER LEAVE THAT SHIRT WITH ME.

I'D LIKE TO PRACTICE UP AND SURPRISE VIRG

WHEN HE COMES BACK TOMORROW.

BESIDES, YOU'LL NEVER GET ANY WORK OUT OF THAT WIFE OF YOURS.

HMM?

(theme music playing)