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1
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:09,426
I was friends with one of
the snakes on Medusa's head.
2
00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:11,720
I ghost wrote a novel
for Herman Melville.
3
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:14,055
I own a Valentino
the Bear Beanie Baby.
4
00:00:14,055 --> 00:00:16,182
The lie is ghost wrote
a novel for Melville.
5
00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:18,476
Wrong.
Never owned a Valentino,
6
00:00:18,476 --> 00:00:20,020
but I wish
I jumped on that craze
7
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,229
early on like my cousin.
8
00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:22,731
Now he owns a farm
in Gloucestershire.
9
00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,107
- Hey.
- Hey.
10
00:00:24,107 --> 00:00:25,191
How was school?
11
00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:27,777
I got a B-plus on
my "Call of the Wild" essay.
12
00:00:27,777 --> 00:00:30,071
Ms. Rainy says I have
"wild dog" in me, like Spitz,
13
00:00:30,071 --> 00:00:32,115
but I know I'm more
of a Buck babe.
14
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:33,199
Oh, Ms. Rainy's back.
15
00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:34,367
Well, proves my point.
16
00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:35,910
This country is cool
with lady pedos.
17
00:00:35,910 --> 00:00:38,371
- How was work?
- Bill Jr. is getting a divorce.
18
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:40,123
- The guy with a giant head?
- Mm-hmm.
19
00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,958
It's like his ears are in
different time zones.
20
00:00:41,958 --> 00:00:43,460
Ugh, it's enormous.
21
00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:45,420
It's like the defense budget,
but a head.
22
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:46,463
Tacos for dinner?
23
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:47,547
Tacos are fine.
24
00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:49,632
Herman wanted the line
to be "Ishmael's my name,
25
00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:50,884
don't wear it out."
26
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,802
I was like
"You're a fucking dumbass."
27
00:00:52,802 --> 00:00:54,471
Chrissy, come on.
28
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:55,638
What'd I say about
dirty dishes?
29
00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:57,432
Not to leave them
in the sink.
30
00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,100
- Yeah, well, what's this?
- Not mine.
31
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:00,894
- Erwin?
- Oh, no, no, no.
32
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,353
I've been as clean
as a house cat.
33
00:01:02,353 --> 00:01:04,439
Besides, no way I'm losing
potty privileges again.
34
00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:05,774
I didn't even use
a dish today.
35
00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:07,692
Had a bowl of Coco Poofties
for brekkie.
36
00:01:07,692 --> 00:01:08,902
You had eggs.
It could be yours.
37
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,904
Well, I'm not the one
who drops turkey slices
38
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,781
behind her bed and doesn't
notice until the cockroaches
39
00:01:12,781 --> 00:01:13,865
move in, so--
40
00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:16,826
Um, you leave ogre intestines
hanging in the garage.
41
00:01:16,826 --> 00:01:17,952
The rats love that stuff.
42
00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:19,579
The smell wards off creatures
43
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:21,539
who are trying to kill
my daughter.
44
00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:22,874
Use a dish, wash it after.
45
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:24,084
It's really not my dish.
46
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,627
I'm gonna have to get
this place fumigated
47
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,253
- for the third time this month.
- We got an ETA on the tacos?
48
00:01:27,253 --> 00:01:30,090
Isn't it kinda weird that an
anarchist who rewires
49
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,342
street meters because she
doesn't believe in paying
50
00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:34,719
for parking is obsessed
with house rules?
51
00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:36,137
Obsessed?
52
00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:37,514
Sweetie, look around.
Do I have a choice?
53
00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:40,183
It's just like, at Dad's,
we don't even use dishes.
54
00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:42,644
We eat raw plankton
out of skulls.
55
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:44,521
Okay.
Well, we live in suburgatory.
56
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:45,855
Your choice, not mine.
57
00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:47,065
And here, we take out the trash.
58
00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:48,691
We do laundry. We clean dishes.
59
00:01:48,691 --> 00:01:50,902
Maybe you fixate
on things like dishes
60
00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:53,279
because you have no life
outside of me and this house,
61
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:54,447
- you know?
- All right.
62
00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:55,990
Well, we've all made
some great points.
63
00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:58,326
Um, no life? Okay.
64
00:01:58,326 --> 00:01:59,953
Yeah. Loosen up.
65
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:00,995
- Find a hobby.
- Well, you know what?
66
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:02,163
I could take up cross-stitch
67
00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:04,499
if you weren't out taking
Kraken carriage joy rides
68
00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:06,835
- and destroying realms.
- What's that supposed to mean?
69
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:09,212
Contribute to
the normal life you wanted
70
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:11,005
or accept that
you're not cut out for it.
71
00:02:11,005 --> 00:02:13,591
Because you are becoming more
like the devil every day.
72
00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:16,344
I'd rather be like him.
73
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:18,429
He enjoys life, embraces mess.
74
00:02:18,429 --> 00:02:20,306
He's not bitter all the time.
75
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:22,600
Maybe if you were more like him,
I'd like you more.
76
00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:26,896
Huh.
77
00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:28,064
I-I ever tell you guys
about the time
78
00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:30,567
- I pooped myself at an equinox?
- Okay.
79
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:31,734
Don't clean the dish.
80
00:02:31,734 --> 00:02:32,777
Great. Thank God.
81
00:02:32,777 --> 00:02:34,154
It was in Zumba
during "Despacito."
82
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,864
You know what?
Fuck dishes altogether, right?
83
00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:38,324
- Come on.
- Yeah, no, no. Fuck the laundry.
84
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:40,869
Let's get a little
down and dirty, huh?
85
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:43,496
I had to take a shower
with my clothes on.
86
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:45,874
So you're gonna act like a teen
in a John Hughes movie
87
00:02:45,874 --> 00:02:48,084
because I hurt your
big mommy feelings?
88
00:02:48,084 --> 00:02:50,461
Hey, I'm just taking a page
from the devil's handbook, baby.
89
00:02:50,461 --> 00:02:51,921
That's what you wanted, right?
90
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:54,299
Where are you going?
91
00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:56,593
To eat Coco Poofties
in my room,
92
00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:58,595
away from the psycho bitch.
93
00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:00,847
Wouldn't a more fitting meal
for a gross, messy demon
94
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,849
be these high-protein roaches?
95
00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:05,810
You and your dad eat them fried
or à la mode?
96
00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:08,730
- Fine. Okay. We're doing this.
- We don't have to.
97
00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,565
You wanna know how
we do it at Dad's,
98
00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:12,192
good old-fashioned demon style?
99
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,569
I'd fucking love to.
100
00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:16,070
- We throw pickles on the floor.
- I just bought those
101
00:03:16,070 --> 00:03:17,113
- pickles.
- Then we lick it up
102
00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:18,281
with our lizard tongues.
103
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,701
Oh, honey, you seem upset.
104
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:22,994
Isn't this what you wanted?
105
00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:25,121
Or should I go back to
sacrificing my happiness
106
00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:26,831
- for your selfish needs?
- Oh, no.
107
00:03:26,831 --> 00:03:28,082
I love this change.
108
00:03:28,082 --> 00:03:30,251
In fact, I'll make you dinner.
109
00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:31,419
How's about rat?
110
00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:33,129
They're diseased, rabid,
and hate-filled, like you.
111
00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:35,590
Oh, that's funny,
because roaches are like you.
112
00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:38,009
- You know, they eat human flesh?
- Really?
113
00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:39,719
Even if you feed them,
care for them,
114
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:41,137
they'll chew right through you.
115
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:42,805
How 'bout we eat buffet style?
116
00:03:42,805 --> 00:03:44,224
Yeah!
117
00:03:46,434 --> 00:03:48,061
Oh, I love a buffet.
118
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:51,064
Buffets are cesspools
for--oh, oh, God, whoa!
119
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,525
Hey, Laura,
I have an insane hangover.
120
00:03:54,525 --> 00:03:56,069
Do you have any pickles?
121
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,737
Oh. They're on the floor. Okay.
122
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:58,780
Oh, hey, Darlene,
123
00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:00,865
have you met the chill
new fuhrer in town?
124
00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:02,951
Say hi to the demon
that lives in my house.
125
00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:04,494
Oh, jeez,
I haven't felt this uneasy
126
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:05,870
since my divorce attorney
127
00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:07,163
asked me to read her screenplay.
128
00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:08,998
- Darlene, get out of here.
- Uh, no.
129
00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:10,500
You can do whatever you want, Darlene.
130
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:11,668
Go. Definitely go.
131
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,211
You're like
a roided out toddler.
132
00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:15,672
The only thing you're good at
is breaking shit.
133
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:17,590
I'm the destroyer?
Right, right.
134
00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:18,883
After what you did
to your friend?
135
00:04:18,883 --> 00:04:20,927
Don't you fucking go there.
136
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:22,095
Oh, what?
137
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,346
Don't talk about how you
turned your best friend
138
00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:25,223
into a fucking blob monster?
139
00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:26,724
You asshole!
140
00:04:26,724 --> 00:04:28,685
- Oh, God! Ladies!
- Okay.
141
00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:30,270
You wanna be
a full-blown demon?
142
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,729
I'll treat you like one!
143
00:04:31,729 --> 00:04:32,897
Bring it on, bitch!
144
00:04:32,897 --> 00:04:34,190
This is war!
145
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:37,360
Oh, I think
I just wet myself.
146
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,945
Equinox all over again.
147
00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:48,913
{\an8}So then, I said "Lighten up.
148
00:04:48,913 --> 00:04:50,456
{\an8}What is this,
a fricking funeral?"
149
00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:51,958
{\an8}It was, but still.
150
00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:55,086
Whoa. Cool.
151
00:04:55,086 --> 00:04:56,921
{\an8}And that's why
I'm signing this bill
152
00:04:56,921 --> 00:04:59,841
{\an8}to shut down Italian restaurants
that have lied to me
153
00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:01,426
{\an8}about their wait time.
154
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:02,468
{\an8}Oh, shit!
155
00:05:02,468 --> 00:05:03,553
{\an8}I gotta see what
they're feeding on.
156
00:05:08,933 --> 00:05:10,268
{\an8}Bite her. Bite her.
157
00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:11,978
{\an8}Ladies, please.
158
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:13,730
{\an8}Please, let's just
take a breath,
159
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,064
{\an8}with a gas mask or something,
160
00:05:15,064 --> 00:05:16,232
{\an8}'cause it smells like shit
in here.
161
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:17,900
Stay out of this, Darlene.
162
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:22,113
{\an8} Hey!
Watch where you're poking me!
163
00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:25,283
{\an8}My roaches are gonna
eat your rats' heart out.
164
00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:28,453
{\an8}And my rats are going to
rain hellfire on your roaches.
165
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:32,457
{\an8}Rats, turn her room into
a fucking poop palace.
166
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:34,042
{\an8}No! Roaches, to our room.
167
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:37,003
{\an8}If they touch my stuff,
I'll torch your weed.
168
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:38,421
{\an8}You don't know
where it all is.
169
00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:39,839
{\an8}Don't rest easy, old woman.
170
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:41,007
This shit ain't done.
171
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:42,342
{\an8}It's only just begun.
172
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,760
{\an8}Oh, don't you fucking
rhyme with me.
173
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:44,969
Well, then bend the knee.
174
00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:46,804
Or would you rather flee?
175
00:05:46,804 --> 00:05:48,765
Climb a tree.
I hope you don't have to pee.
176
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:50,266
She'll tire herself out.
177
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:52,435
{\an8}Roaches,
kill every rat on sight!
178
00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:55,188
{\an8}- Protect my stuffies!
- ...to Mackamagee?
179
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,690
{\an8}Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs.
180
00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:58,900
{\an8}I should call my husband.
181
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,151
{\an8}He loves
mother-daughter fights.
182
00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:01,235
{\an8}Hey, 20 bucks on the kid?
183
00:06:01,235 --> 00:06:02,362
{\an8}We've got six grand
on the mom.
184
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:03,529
{\an8}She's a cold-blooded
psychopath.
185
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,698
{\an8}Oh, God.
Thanks for coming so quick.
186
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,408
{\an8}I know you're still torn up
about Chrissy
187
00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:08,951
turning you into
a conjoined Stay Puft man.
188
00:06:08,951 --> 00:06:10,286
Yeah.
189
00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:11,996
At first, I was gonna
ignore your text.
190
00:06:11,996 --> 00:06:13,664
But then I woke up
in the fetal position
191
00:06:13,664 --> 00:06:15,166
with an intense pang of guilt.
192
00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:17,377
So I came here.
What's happening now?
193
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,295
Laura and Chrissy both
retreated to separate parts
194
00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:20,380
of the house
where they're working on
195
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,714
their next plans of attack.
196
00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:23,466
So we gotta talk them
off the ledge
197
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:25,635
- before things go any further.
- We do?
198
00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,345
If they walk themselves
to the ledge,
199
00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:29,263
don't you think they should
find their own way down?
200
00:06:29,263 --> 00:06:30,556
No way.
As their friends,
201
00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:32,183
it's our job
to be waiting below
202
00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:34,811
with a giant trampoline
so they bounce when they fall,
203
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:37,522
instead of explode
into a bloody mess.
204
00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:38,648
Okay.
205
00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:40,483
But let's not jump
to conclusions.
206
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:42,068
It might not be as serious
as you--
207
00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:47,198
Soldiers, I've gathered you
all here today for a purpose.
208
00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:50,368
No longer shall I live
under the hand of a tyrant.
209
00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:52,453
She may be a stone-cold bitch
210
00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:54,664
with a seemingly
unbreakable shell,
211
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:57,166
but even that devil dog Spitz
in Call of the Wild
212
00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:58,584
had his weak spot.
213
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:02,839
He had no imagination,
no cunning, like Buck, the hero.
214
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:04,966
We will psychologically
break her.
215
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:06,968
We will bite down on her leg.
216
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,845
She will beg for mercy.
217
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,597
And we will give her none!
218
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:13,141
We are Buck!
219
00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:16,185
And we will defeat her!
220
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,273
It felt like yesterday
221
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,275
Cockroaches lived in peace among the rats.
222
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:25,027
Feasting together, in sinks, on floors...
223
00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:26,988
Forget what you know.
224
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,866
Do not ask questions. Follow orders.
225
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:32,452
The wheels of war go round and round.
226
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:36,205
Leaving behind all not onboard.
227
00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:51,679
My estimation,
she takes a bowel movement
228
00:07:51,679 --> 00:07:52,889
every three hours.
229
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:54,599
Let's lock off the bathroom, people.
230
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,435
Ah, yes.
231
00:07:58,853 --> 00:08:01,230
Prima, Hilda, you've done well.
232
00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:02,315
You're the adult--
233
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,108
shouldn't you
take the high road?
234
00:08:04,108 --> 00:08:05,776
If I allow her
to bulldoze me,
235
00:08:05,776 --> 00:08:08,738
the little power I have over her
will vanish.
236
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,865
I'll become nothing more
than a limp, wet chode.
237
00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:14,535
She must--
she will bend the knee.
238
00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:17,955
I hate to admit it,
but I am rock hard right now.
239
00:08:17,955 --> 00:08:19,207
Where the fuck is my phone?
240
00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:21,667
Back down,
Chrissy Feinberg,
241
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:23,586
or I delete
your ShitSta account.
242
00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:25,129
I'll never back down, hag!
243
00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:26,631
Deleted!
244
00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:29,008
You bitch!
245
00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:30,551
Say goodbye to your weed!
246
00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:32,845
- I'm gonna fuck this weed!
- That's it!
247
00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:34,764
Your phone's gonna
see you in hell.
248
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:39,477
Her mom is stone cold,
and I respect and love it.
249
00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:41,771
- Gut-wrenchingly iconic.
- We love a bitch.
250
00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:42,813
I stand corrected.
251
00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:44,357
Things are sufficiently
heated up.
252
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,484
Time for action.
253
00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:48,277
Ooh, since inside's
a germ-riddled kill zone,
254
00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,530
we're gonna mediate
the situation from out here.
255
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,073
I did get high school
guidance counselor
256
00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:53,699
on an online career quiz.
257
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:55,952
We just need to wait for the
rest of our party to get here.
258
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:57,286
- The rest of our--
- Boom shakalaka,
259
00:08:57,286 --> 00:08:58,746
you trick-ass hoes.
260
00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:00,289
- Daddy's here.
- No.
261
00:09:00,289 --> 00:09:02,917
- You called him to help?
- Desperate times, hon.
262
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,585
But he always has
ulterior motives.
263
00:09:04,585 --> 00:09:05,753
I learned my lesson with him.
264
00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:07,421
Ha! You sure did.
265
00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:10,091
And once Chrissy offs her mom,
which, by the looks of it,
266
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:13,094
she will,
nothing's standing in the way
267
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:15,096
of good old Maximus Dawnus.
268
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:17,515
I'm just gonna make sure
it's a lock.
269
00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:18,849
Toodle-oo, double dongs.
270
00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:20,851
Okay, Mr. Mephistopheles
isn't helping.
271
00:09:20,851 --> 00:09:23,187
But no sweat, because this
is gonna be easier than--
272
00:09:23,187 --> 00:09:26,065
Hey, fuckwad!
check out V-Bone.
273
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:31,946
Guess you can't drive away
from this problem!
274
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:33,447
- Skidang!
- Girls got puns.
275
00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:36,200
Well, good luck getting
anywhere now, freeloader.
276
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,202
I'm gonna burn all your
stuffies, starting with Maude!
277
00:09:38,202 --> 00:09:41,080
You touch her,
I'll torch your Tempur-Pedic!
278
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,006
What the fuck do you want?
279
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:52,091
Okay. Cool.
Uh, we got their attention.
280
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:53,551
So we could just--
281
00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,428
Um, hi.
It's me, Bennigan.
282
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,596
Yes, we know.
283
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,098
Right.
Hi, Chrissy.
284
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:00,141
Hey, Bennigan.
285
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,267
Um, okay.
286
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,893
First things first,
are you injured?
287
00:10:02,893 --> 00:10:06,188
- No.
- You're doing great, sweetie.
288
00:10:06,188 --> 00:10:08,024
Um, well,
I'm still mad at you, Chrissy,
289
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:09,525
for obvious reasons.
290
00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:11,444
But I don't want you
to get hurt.
291
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,154
I--I think that'd suck.
292
00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:15,406
Short speech, but effective!
293
00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:17,992
Yeah. Hi, gals. Darlene here.
294
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:19,493
So you wanna rip each
other's heads off.
295
00:10:19,493 --> 00:10:20,953
It's what happens with family.
296
00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:22,955
I mean, one time,
my eldest son Trevor
297
00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:25,207
got so mad after I told him
he couldn't watch
298
00:10:25,207 --> 00:10:27,501
Sex, Lies, and Videotape
that he ran away
299
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:29,879
and I found him playing craps
with Duncan Sheik--
300
00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:33,883
The point is, it's difficult
between you two right now,
301
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:35,134
but you love each other.
302
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:36,218
Remember that time
you helped your mom
303
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:38,220
get all those leeches
off of her?
304
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:41,724
After she purposely used them
to infiltrate the PTA moms?
305
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,934
Yep!
She says she puts me first?
306
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:46,062
Bullshit!
She's Hitler with boobs.
307
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:47,146
She's Titler!
308
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:48,230
And now you're putting down
309
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:50,232
your Jewish heritage?
So cool of you.
310
00:10:50,232 --> 00:10:51,484
What heritage?
311
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,819
You said Elijah was a waste
of good wine.
312
00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:55,946
I stand by that.
313
00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:57,031
Alright!
314
00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:58,157
We got the rat bastard!
315
00:10:58,157 --> 00:10:59,617
General Chrissy will be proud!
316
00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:02,995
Take that you piece of shit!
317
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:05,748
Disrespectful fools!
318
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:07,667
What's your problem old man?
319
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:11,253
I'm stuck in an unnecessary war
with children.
320
00:11:11,253 --> 00:11:12,713
This ain't no game.
321
00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:14,215
There are no heroes.
322
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,342
We've lost our roachmanity.
323
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:19,804
Or maybe you've lost your marbles,
you old waterbug.
324
00:11:28,312 --> 00:11:31,482
I'll never be like them.
325
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:33,693
War forces change in us all.
326
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:36,946
Only hell awaits us now.
327
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,909
Time for the escalator
to escalate.
328
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,661
Hey, dipshit.
It's Satan.
329
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:45,871
Tell me where I can find
the worst shit on Laura,
330
00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:48,082
something that'll make Chrissy
go fucking nuts,
331
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:50,501
or I'll crawl into your brain
and rewire it
332
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:52,378
so every time
you touch your butthole,
333
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:54,547
it feels like
you're covered in lava.
334
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:56,215
Ah, fuck.
335
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:00,803
Ladies, look.
I have two daughters,
336
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:01,846
two wives, a mother,
337
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:03,514
and multiple
close female friends.
338
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:06,350
So how about you both stop
torturing yourselves
339
00:12:06,350 --> 00:12:07,852
and eat something?
340
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:09,478
Why don't you remember the
time that you peed your pants
341
00:12:09,478 --> 00:12:11,439
- in front of the whole town?
- Shut up, old man!
342
00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:13,941
- Uh, thank you, Mayor.
- He's a genius.
343
00:12:13,941 --> 00:12:16,527
Come on, you're being too hard
on each other.
344
00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:18,279
Chrissy, I know your mom
cares about you
345
00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,030
more than anything in the world.
346
00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:21,824
She infiltrated the PTA
347
00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:24,160
to show you those moms
didn't have doodoo on her.
348
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:25,828
And Laura,
Chrissy cares about you
349
00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:27,371
more than you realize.
350
00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:29,081
She's a teenage Antichrist.
351
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:32,501
Every day she chooses to fight
her nature and stay with you.
352
00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:34,378
Look, Chrissy, Darlene is
right about the PTA moms.
353
00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:36,338
I did that for you, mostly.
354
00:12:36,338 --> 00:12:38,966
- I always put you first.
- Okay, you put me first once.
355
00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:40,009
Great.
356
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,260
But don't get a big head
about it.
357
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:43,387
A big head, like
Bill head, big fucking--
358
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:44,638
big head--big bitch?
359
00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:46,474
That wasn't a laugh.
360
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,142
That wasn't a fucking laugh.
Don't look at me.
361
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:49,560
Now we're getting somewhere.
362
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,062
Time to hit 'em them some
'roke to clinch them.
363
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:55,608
Oh, classic.
♪ Islands in the stream ♪
364
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,109
Listen up, cucarachas.
365
00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:59,445
Sounds like we're a song away
from a mother-daughter
366
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,613
"Shallow" duet,
367
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,490
so we don't have much time.
368
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:04,492
We're entering the lair
of the wicked witch
369
00:13:04,492 --> 00:13:06,160
to obtain
a heavily-guarded weapon
370
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,078
of mass emotional destruction.
371
00:13:08,078 --> 00:13:11,582
So get your thoraxes in gear
so we can end this war
372
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:13,834
in your disease-riddled favor.
373
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,961
All right, get in there, guys.
374
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:21,884
It's a trap! Acckkkk!
375
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,886
Second wave!
376
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:26,680
Go! Go! Go!
- Ignore the dead!
377
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:29,934
We have the package.
378
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:32,436
Bring it home, boys!
379
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:34,730
Witness me!
380
00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:45,199
What's this?
381
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:50,037
"I think I've found a way
to solve all my problems."
382
00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:57,711
Laura?
383
00:13:57,711 --> 00:13:58,796
Laura, where are you?
384
00:13:58,796 --> 00:13:59,880
I'm here.
385
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,006
I'm right here.
386
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:03,050
Look, things got
out of hand, okay?
387
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:04,134
But I'm ready to call it quits
if you are.
388
00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,804
"Got the two pounds
of Sphinx flesh, check.
389
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,556
Baryonic matter, check."
390
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:09,765
Wha--where did you get--
391
00:14:09,765 --> 00:14:11,475
"With this Posterum spell,
I can go back
392
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:13,727
"and forget I ever met
that sick bastard,
393
00:14:13,727 --> 00:14:14,979
forget I ever had a kid."
394
00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:16,188
Okay, let me explain.
395
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:17,523
"Forget I ever had a kid"?
396
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,733
- What is this?
- That? What is that?
397
00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:21,151
That is just
my journal from when
398
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:22,528
I was in a very dark place,
399
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:24,280
drinking lots of tequila.
None of it's real.
400
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,532
Tell me about this
Posterum spell, now.
401
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,325
It was just some silly spell
this old which sold me
402
00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:29,827
when you were four
and we were on the ferry
403
00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:30,995
from Thunder Bay to Waukesha.
404
00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:32,830
I'm sure you're too young
to even remember.
405
00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:33,998
And the spell?
406
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,333
It--you know, it was supposed
to reverse time
407
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:38,586
and take me back to before
I ever met your father.
408
00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:41,463
And before you ever had me.
409
00:14:41,463 --> 00:14:43,257
Well, technically, yeah, but--
410
00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:44,884
Erase me from your life
411
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,344
so you could start a new life
without me.
412
00:14:47,344 --> 00:14:48,554
That's putting me first?
413
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:49,763
At the time,
I thought I was doing
414
00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:51,307
what was best
for the both of us.
415
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:52,558
We'd been on the run for years,
416
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,518
living off of beans
and food scraps.
417
00:14:54,518 --> 00:14:55,644
You were starving.
418
00:14:55,644 --> 00:14:57,563
- Jesus fuck.
- But the spell didn't work.
419
00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,440
So yay.
And--and I regret--
420
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,609
You actually tried?
421
00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:03,861
Why would you even try,
422
00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:05,654
on your own fucking daughter?
423
00:15:05,654 --> 00:15:07,573
- I--I--
- Why? Why?
424
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:10,618
Because your birth
felt like my death.
425
00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:12,661
I mean, no.
426
00:15:12,661 --> 00:15:14,246
I didn't--I didn't mean that.
427
00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:17,750
You evil fucking cunt!
428
00:15:22,546 --> 00:15:24,548
Protect me.
429
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:27,801
Incoming.
430
00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:29,929
This is what I'm talking about, baby.
431
00:15:32,681 --> 00:15:34,099
I feel alive!
432
00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:36,518
Ow!
433
00:15:36,518 --> 00:15:38,062
Here comes daddy.
434
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:39,939
- Oh, my God!
- Shit!
435
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,690
So this is how it ends,
436
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:43,651
with a bang, not a whimper.
437
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,194
Huh, TS Eliot was wrong.
438
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:47,029
Well, at least he was good
in Road House.
439
00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:54,495
Mama! Where's my Mama?
440
00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:37,287
Fuck you!
441
00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:41,625
You robbed me of a childhood
and fucked me for life.
442
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:43,168
You did it out of spite.
443
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:45,170
I hate you!
444
00:17:00,102 --> 00:17:02,563
Wait, I don't--how does this--
445
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:04,732
Nothing a little divine
intervention couldn't fix.
446
00:17:04,732 --> 00:17:07,526
I told you--I told you it was
a bad idea to invite him.
447
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:08,944
Listen, I was giving him a shot.
448
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:10,029
Everyone has layers.
449
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,113
I don't.
450
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:13,282
Later, losers.
451
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,451
This family keeps showing us
who they are and somehow,
452
00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:17,411
we keep expecting
something different from them.
453
00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:18,912
People can change, Benny.
454
00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:20,622
Clearly, this family can't.
455
00:17:20,622 --> 00:17:21,790
And ever since they moved here,
456
00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:24,043
it feels like I've been living
in service of their lives.
457
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,627
Even when we have our own thing
going on,
458
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:28,797
they find a way to make it
about them.
459
00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:30,132
You know what? You're right.
460
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:31,925
Screw this. Hey.
461
00:17:31,925 --> 00:17:33,969
How about we go
enact our independence
462
00:17:33,969 --> 00:17:36,180
on the karaoke machine
at Gumbo Sheena's?
463
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:38,390
Sold.
But dibs on "Total Eclipse."
464
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:40,017
Bonnie Tyler's my girl.
465
00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:41,810
That's fine.
466
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,979
I prefer
"Holding Out For a Hero."
467
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:49,735
Chrissy?
468
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:51,028
Come out and let's talk.
469
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:52,321
Okay?
470
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:54,656
The spell was a moment
of desperation.
471
00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:55,908
It was stupid.
472
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,242
I honestly thought
it was the only way out.
473
00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:59,536
I was so young and rash,
474
00:17:59,536 --> 00:18:01,747
but I worked my ass off
to help us survive
475
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,374
and be your protector.
476
00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:07,002
Wow. How selfless of you.
477
00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:09,046
Mind mess 'em ups!
478
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:11,548
Laura.
479
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,974
So I haven't been the
perfect mom, but I'm trying.
480
00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:22,017
"I'm twying."
481
00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:24,311
I chose this life
with you every day.
482
00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:27,231
- I chose to sacrifice--
- Sacrifice?
483
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:28,649
What did you sacrifice exactly,
484
00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:30,692
an internship
at a slaughterhouse?
485
00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:32,027
Slaughterhouse? No.
486
00:18:32,027 --> 00:18:33,946
Oh, but I was an apprentice
at a kill shelter.
487
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,115
Your life was going nowhere.
488
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,366
Chrissy, please.
489
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,076
If anything, I define you.
490
00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,413
And you hate me for it.
491
00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:46,625
- No. No!
- Admit it!
492
00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:48,752
I hate myself, okay?
493
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:52,131
For being resentful and unhappy
with my life when I shouldn't.
494
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,424
I'm a shit person.
I failed us.
495
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:55,926
I failed you.
496
00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:59,638
I've been trying to fake my way
through motherhood,
497
00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:01,431
but the truth is,
I'm not cut out for it.
498
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:03,142
And I'm afraid I never will be.
499
00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:17,966
Where will they go?
500
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:20,719
What will they do?
501
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,346
The same thing we will:
502
00:20:22,346 --> 00:20:25,390
Live in the wake of mankind.
503
00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:32,648
All right, everyone, pack it up.
504
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:41,490
Um, I think I'm gonna head
to Dad's for a bit.
505
00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:42,824
Yeah, cool.
506
00:20:42,824 --> 00:20:43,867
Cool.
507
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:02,177
Oh.
No, don't worry about me.
508
00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:05,305
I just dug myself out,
for fuck's sake!
509
00:21:26,159 --> 00:21:28,245
I was cruel to my wife.
I admit it.
510
00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:31,206
I used to think because
I could throw things farther,
511
00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:33,000
grow hair in more places,
512
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,835
I deserved to climax
and she didn't.
513
00:21:34,835 --> 00:21:37,796
Now I know my hatred of her
and all women
514
00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:40,340
came from a fear of rejection,
515
00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:42,759
as a man and a sexual performer.
516
00:21:42,759 --> 00:21:44,928
Born out of,
not to sound cliché,
517
00:21:44,928 --> 00:21:48,140
a toxic relationship
with my mother.
518
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,224
And I can say this
across the table
519
00:21:49,224 --> 00:21:51,476
to a woman I've just met
because, recently,
520
00:21:51,476 --> 00:21:54,062
I was liberated from my hatred
of all women,
521
00:21:54,062 --> 00:21:57,107
my ire distilled
into a singular object,
522
00:21:57,107 --> 00:21:59,860
the little girl
who got my dick shot off.
523
00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:02,571
Decimating her soul
is my life's purpose.
524
00:22:02,571 --> 00:22:04,156
And yes, I don't have a dick,
525
00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:06,283
but if we choose
to take things further,
526
00:22:06,283 --> 00:22:10,120
I believe my metal replacement
won't disappoint.
527
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,830
How would you feel
about dessert?
528
00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:13,540
Eh, it's her loss, really.
529
00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:16,668
Guess not everybody's ready for
a man who's so set on his goals.
530
00:22:16,668 --> 00:22:18,754
Still, glad I went.
531
00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:20,464
You miss 100% of the shots
you don't take,
532
00:22:20,464 --> 00:22:22,090
and I'm done not taking shots.
533
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:28,472
After all,
as Lil John and LMFAO said,
534
00:22:28,472 --> 00:22:31,308
"Shots, shots, shots, shots,
shots, shots."
535
00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:40,359
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