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1
00:00:07,132 --> 00:00:09,300
{\an8}Are you sure we should do
our project on a whale?
2
00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:11,219
What about all
the cooler unsolved mysteries,
3
00:00:11,219 --> 00:00:12,929
like people who jog for fun?
4
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:15,515
This isn't just any whale.
This is 52.
5
00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:17,350
He spent his life
calling out at 52 hertz,
6
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:20,353
which is too high a frequency
for other whales to hear.
7
00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:22,230
Sounds like
his life's a beach.
8
00:00:22,230 --> 00:00:24,315
Hey-oh! Ha.
Still workshopping that one.
9
00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:26,109
Well, maybe the song
isn't for other whales.
10
00:00:26,109 --> 00:00:27,193
You know,
it's just for himself.
11
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:28,611
It's like when I sing
Stevie Nicks
12
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,363
while eating a sub
at Hamboni's--
13
00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:31,948
it's for me,
and everyone else can--
14
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,241
Stand back.
15
00:00:33,241 --> 00:00:34,701
Wait, you sing
at the Hamboni's?
16
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,494
Yeah, man,
their subs are ridick.
17
00:00:36,578 --> 00:00:38,747
Dinner's ready!
18
00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:41,249
Chrissy, Benny has told us
so much about you.
19
00:00:41,249 --> 00:00:43,209
Did you pass your
algebra test retake?
20
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:44,711
- Mom.
- Oh, my God, yeah, wow.
21
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,337
- I did.
- Oh--sorry.
22
00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:48,173
- I tell my parents everything.
- Nah, that's okay.
23
00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:49,215
Congrats.
24
00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:50,550
Miss Kim can be
cold-blooded when grading,
25
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:52,093
but I guess all lizard people
are like that.
26
00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:54,345
Ay, no.
27
00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:55,889
Don't worry
about eating too much.
28
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,182
We have plenty left over.
29
00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:59,100
So if you want seconds,
or third, or fourths--
30
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:00,477
Our mom likes to
have us all split our pants.
31
00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,437
It's the Filipino way.
32
00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:03,855
It's the Amalia way.
33
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,815
- Oh, you two.
- I love this.
34
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,692
It's like I'm in an ABC sitcom.
35
00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:12,238
You better not go for a
second helping, fat boy.
36
00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:15,075
You think Chrissy wants a boy
with a paunch like that?
37
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:18,536
Even if you sucked it in, you'd
just push out your man boobs.
38
00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:21,706
- No boobs!
- Say what?
39
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:23,792
I mean, no boos, only yays
40
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:26,044
because this meal
was A-plus, Mom.
41
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:28,338
And it was
so great, I'm done.
42
00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:30,340
May I please be excused
to feed Otis?
43
00:01:32,008 --> 00:01:33,843
I gotta be honest,
between the fresh food
44
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:35,303
and the reusable plates,
45
00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:37,055
I feel like
I'm in a five-star restaurant.
46
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:38,723
Is everything okay at home?
47
00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:40,266
No.
48
00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:42,268
I'm just kidding. Ha ha!
Sort of.
49
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:44,395
May I be excused to
help Bennigan feed Otis?
50
00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:45,438
Of course.
51
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,023
Get some gloves, though.
He snaps.
52
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,775
Otis, not Bennigan.
53
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:51,027
(coughing)
54
00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:52,821
No more.
55
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:54,447
I've done enough.
I'm done.
56
00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,909
Oh, Chrissy, hi. Hello.
57
00:01:57,909 --> 00:02:00,203
Hey, I was coming
to help you with Otis.
58
00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:01,412
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
59
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,039
Yeah, let's feed
that reptilian fiend. Ha.
60
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,165
Uh... you okay?
61
00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:06,501
As OK as the classic
and underperformed
62
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:07,961
Rodgers
and Hammerstein musical.
63
00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:12,048
You sure you don't
want anything else?
64
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,633
Some soda cans?
A popcorn machine?
65
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:15,635
Iggy, give the girl
our fruit bowl.
66
00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:18,346
No, no, I'm fine.
Thank you for having me over.
67
00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:20,515
Now I won't have to scrounge
for food at the 7-Eleven
68
00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:22,058
for a whole other week.
69
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,768
Ha, ha, ha,
just joshing, kind of.
70
00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:24,936
Thanks again.
71
00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:29,524
Hmm.
72
00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:42,495
Whoa, that can't be.
73
00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:43,872
A self-portrait--
no better way
74
00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,373
to face the truth
about yourself
75
00:02:45,373 --> 00:02:46,499
and try to change who you are.
76
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:47,667
Damn.
77
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:50,211
Could use a couple
more inches of fat gut.
78
00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,921
I gotta help him.
79
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,132
Holy shit, do lizards
have two penises?
80
00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:03,766
Hey, Mom, I have a question.
81
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,853
{\an8}Let's say I have a friend who
may or may not have a problem.
82
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,104
{\an8}A friend, huh?
83
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,647
{\an8}You don't have
to speak in code, honey.
84
00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:11,232
{\an8}Masturbation
is perfectly natural.
85
00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:13,610
{\an8}- And girls can do it too.
- What? Eew! No!
86
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,737
{\an8}It's a necessary destressor,
and you can do it anywhere--
87
00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:17,155
{\an8}- Jesus. Never mind. Forget it.
- In bed,
88
00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:18,865
in the school bathroom
before a test.
89
00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:22,410
{\an8}Hey, Snake with Arms,
my dad around?
90
00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,162
{\an8}I got this friend I want
to help and thought maybe
91
00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,331
{\an8}- there was a power that--
- Friend is you.
92
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,249
{\an8}Problem is onanism.
93
00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:29,375
{\an8}Not my department. Brb.
94
00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:32,045
{\an8}Wait, that's not--what is
everyone's obsession with--
95
00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:36,216
{\an8}Come on, don't you want
to chew your yeti bone
96
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,009
{\an8}or fetch your gorgon balls?
97
00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:40,428
{\an8}Snake with Arms, I told you
to leave me alone.
98
00:03:40,428 --> 00:03:41,471
{\an8}Daughter here.
99
00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:43,139
{\an8}Need help with personal issue.
100
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,724
{\an8}Flicking the bean already?
101
00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:47,227
{\an8}God damn it, I can't deal
with this shit right now.
102
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,937
{\an8}She-she can't see me like this.
103
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,313
{\an8}Tell her to go to my study.
104
00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:51,898
{\an8}She'll find what
she needs there.
105
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:54,651
{\an8}It ain't me,
but it's the next best thing.
106
00:03:55,818 --> 00:03:58,529
{\an8}Dad documents everything. Like Nixon.
Here are all his journals.
107
00:03:58,613 --> 00:04:00,406
{\an8}My dad journals?
108
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,409
{\an8}Say what learning you require it find for you.
109
00:04:04,285 --> 00:04:05,411
{\an8}Also, it bites.
110
00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:16,381
Hello, Satan.
111
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,383
{\an8}Which of your glorious
musings would you like
112
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:20,385
{\an8}to revisit today, hot stuff?
113
00:04:20,385 --> 00:04:22,095
{\an8}How do I, um, change--
114
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,221
{\an8}I heard "change."
115
00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:28,518
{\an8}I have 2,503,859
volumes on changing--
116
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:32,605
{\an8}Changing the game,
117
00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:34,357
a new way
to fart without sound.
118
00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:37,110
I think I changed the past
and fucked everything up--
119
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,528
wait, no.
120
00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:39,862
I just don't remember
that chair there.
121
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,155
Let me finish.
122
00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:44,033
How do I change the way someone
thinks about themselves?
123
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,910
How to change the way someone
124
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,203
thinks about themselves.
125
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,871
Closest match--
126
00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:50,540
changing minds,
a satanic discovery
127
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:53,376
on manipulation and how
to make soft-brained losers
128
00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:54,627
give you shit.
129
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:56,421
Well, I guess that's
the closest I'll get.
130
00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:07,140
"735 BC, Mercury phase."
131
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,309
Rolling hard
at King Midas's
132
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,602
when I come across
this golden toilet,
133
00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:13,479
most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.
134
00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:15,189
Fucker wouldn't give it to me.
135
00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:17,191
So I used a new trick
to convince him
136
00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:20,111
that everything
he touches is gold.
137
00:05:20,111 --> 00:05:21,237
Ha, what a ding dong.
138
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,906
He's so busy thinking he's
turning things into gold,
139
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,950
he gave me
the solid gold shitter.
140
00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:30,913
I think I'll call this new trick
Mind Mess-em-ups.
141
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,832
Bingo.
142
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,170
I guess I knew
this day was coming.
143
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,880
{\an8}Being vulnerable doesn't make you weak.
144
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,506
{\an8}Never show weakness.
145
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:43,259
"The only pain that matters
is the pain you inflict."
146
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,136
{\an8}-Varsity Blues.
- Varsity Blues.
147
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,057
Hey, Snakey, uh, I, uh...
148
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:51,934
Shut up and fuck off.
149
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:54,228
{\an8}I literally was.
150
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:59,025
All right, I'll call her.
151
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,651
Okay, Chrissy, you got this.
Let's do it.
152
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,195
Let's save our best friend.
153
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,571
- I'll get it.
- First,
154
00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:04,697
you want
to square your hips
155
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,616
to establish dominance.
156
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,618
Chrissy, to what do
I owe the pleasure?
157
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,536
{\an8}I got you the latest issue
of your favorite comic,
158
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:13,873
{\an8}The Roo-Stars, to remind
you that you're not alone.
159
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:16,376
Chrissy, that's so
clucking nice of you.
160
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,002
I do have one
more thing for you.
161
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:19,962
Rapid burp
their name three times.
162
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:21,881
Bennigan,
Bennigan, Bennigan.
163
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:25,426
Then stare into their
eyes and yell with authority.
164
00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:26,803
Mind mess 'em ups!
165
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:30,306
Next, recite mantra
that summarizes
166
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,266
what you want them
to experience.
167
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:34,811
For example,
"You will see blades of grass
168
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,687
as little dicks."
169
00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:39,232
You will see the beauty
in everything.
170
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,782
Oh, family sculpture time.
171
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:50,368
Now let's see
what Benny sees.
172
00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:53,204
Yes. Ha ha.
173
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:57,500
In the mind of every artist,
there is a masterpiece.
174
00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:00,878
Ugh.
175
00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:02,547
I knew nothing good
ever comes from flossing.
176
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:04,090
I'll give you
something to floss with.
177
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,134
- I'm hanging up.
- Just wait, you shrill cow.
178
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:07,385
It's important.
179
00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:08,886
Bark Woofalo is dying.
180
00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:10,430
Wait, what?
He must have died years ago.
181
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,014
What are you talking about?
- He didn't.
182
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,766
His soul's been living in
the body of a hellhound
183
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:15,268
for the past 13 years.
184
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:18,187
Fucking God--
you body swapped our dog?
185
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:19,856
I was in need
of companionship
186
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,692
because some psycho bitch
kidnapped my newborn daughter.
187
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,152
King of revisionist history
over here.
188
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:25,236
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
189
00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:27,155
Anyway, hellhounds are eternal,
190
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,115
but earthly dog souls aren't.
191
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:32,285
They're too pure to live in
a corporeal body for too long,
192
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,620
and it's time for
Woofalo to move on.
193
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:37,331
But the dog won't
fucking die, okay?
194
00:07:37,415 --> 00:07:38,374
And I think--
195
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,334
I think he's holding out
because he wants to see you.
196
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:42,044
Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure.
197
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,964
Yeah, our dog, in a hellhound,
wants to see me.
198
00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:47,175
See?
Here he is, okay?
199
00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:48,593
Oh, that could
be any hellhound.
200
00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:49,677
Look, I don't give a shit.
201
00:07:49,677 --> 00:07:51,262
I prefer you don't come anyway.
202
00:07:51,262 --> 00:07:52,638
Wait, hold on.
203
00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:54,807
Wait, you and Satan
had a dog together?
204
00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:56,559
That's a massive reveal.
205
00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:58,686
Bark Woofalo was a puppy
we found together.
206
00:07:58,686 --> 00:08:01,314
We were high on reindeer urine,
we had just watched Zodiac,
207
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,857
and Mark Ruffalo
was so damn good in it--
208
00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:03,983
doesn't matter.
This is a trap
209
00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:05,109
to lure me in and kill me.
210
00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:06,194
What if it's not?
211
00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:08,154
This could be your chance
to say goodbye
212
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:09,489
to the puppy you left behind.
213
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,865
Oh, what do you know, Erwin?
214
00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,408
I've seen you eat
a slice of tomato
215
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,327
that fell onto the floor
of a Dollar Store bathroom.
216
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:15,578
I guess some people
have never heard
217
00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:16,829
of the five second rule.
218
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:19,207
But all right,
you can kiss my ass.
219
00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:29,926
Good day, Santa, other Santa.
220
00:08:30,718 --> 00:08:34,180
Ooh, thank you, Santa.
221
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,973
Tiny Santas.
222
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,863
Oh, no.
223
00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:57,578
Do you think
that purging after eating
224
00:08:57,662 --> 00:08:59,330
two full trays
of crap-a-teria food
225
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:00,957
is going to work, fat boy?
226
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,208
Why don't
you shut the hell up?
227
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:03,918
What is going on?
228
00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:06,003
I'll shut up when
you grow up, piggy.
229
00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:07,880
You know you'll never look
like your brother.
230
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:09,423
Stop!
Why can't I cancel you?
231
00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:11,842
Well, you could put down
the fork every once in a while,
232
00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:13,427
Tubs, but we both
know you won't.
233
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:15,304
So I'd say you'd need
a miracle.
234
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:18,099
And I don't see Kurt Russell
acting as a coach
235
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:20,768
to a group of hotheaded college
all-star hockey players...
236
00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:22,603
So you're stuck with me forever.
237
00:09:25,773 --> 00:09:28,150
I gotta be honest.
I didn't like that movie.
238
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:30,027
Miracle?
Oh, I actually really liked it.
239
00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:31,571
I'm a sucker
for Patricia Clarkson.
240
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:34,198
Well, she's
her generation's Joan Fontaine.
241
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:40,913
All right, bitch,
it ends today.
242
00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:44,333
Huh.
Guess this wasn't a ruse.
243
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,085
Who did I just kill?
244
00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:47,920
The veterinarian.
245
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:51,841
Hey, boy.
246
00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:56,721
The last toy I gave him,
Mixologist Mike.
247
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,514
Okay, reunion's over.
Let's go.
248
00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,807
Go? Go where?
249
00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:03,477
The Isle of Wepwawet, where
all dog souls come into being.
250
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:05,855
And if they're on the beaches
of Wepwawet when they die,
251
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,648
their soul particles
get recycled
252
00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:09,400
into new dog souls on Earth.
253
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,985
Oh, you're into
recycling now,
254
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:12,903
the guy who jacks off
to oil spills?
255
00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:14,447
Are you coming or not?
256
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,198
There's always
a twist with you.
257
00:10:18,659 --> 00:10:20,786
What the hell did I do wrong?
258
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,288
Bennigan, hey, hi.
259
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:24,498
I was just studying hard
or hardly studying.
260
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:26,000
Chrissy,
the other day I lied.
261
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,835
Oh, about what?
You don't like the way
262
00:10:27,835 --> 00:10:29,503
I roll my Rs
when I say "burrito"?
263
00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:31,213
When I said
I was okay as the famed
264
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,966
Pulitzer and Tony Award-winning
musical, I wasn't.
265
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:36,469
My life right now feels like
a slapstick tragedy,
266
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,387
a much lesser known
Broadway musical.
267
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:39,555
I haven't heard
of any of these, so I--
268
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:40,681
I don't like the way I look.
269
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,099
And sometimes
I make myself retch.
270
00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:43,476
And then I feel
worse about myself,
271
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,353
and it's an unending spiral.
272
00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:47,104
You're the first person I told.
273
00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:48,898
I'm so sorry, Benny.
274
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,274
You haven't told your family?
275
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:51,692
- They're so sweet.
- No, they are.
276
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:53,402
It's just--it's hard
for them to accept
277
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,820
that things aren't the ideal.
278
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:56,113
You know what's weird?
279
00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:58,616
Everything in the world has
felt oddly beautiful lately.
280
00:10:58,616 --> 00:10:59,742
I assumed the chemical plant
281
00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:01,744
dumped waste
into the reservoir again,
282
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,579
but whatever toxins
we're drinking,
283
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,623
it's only made me
feel worse about myself.
284
00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:07,333
I wish I could do
something to change that.
285
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,834
Not unless you
can change the fact
286
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,336
that my brother can cut
diamonds with his glutes
287
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,338
- and I never will.
- Benny, that's not true.
288
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:14,006
When I look at you,
I see a really awesome--
289
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:15,966
Nah, nah,
don't worry about it.
290
00:11:21,305 --> 00:11:22,390
So you come here often?
291
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:23,599
Announcement, everybody--
292
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,768
this impotent old man
is accosting me.
293
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:28,396
All right, all right, don't
come to me the next time
294
00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:29,689
you need a jar opened.
295
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,607
Next stop,
Isle of Wepwawet.
296
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,359
Isle of Wepwawet
next stop.
297
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:41,325
Look, when pugs fly.
298
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:52,586
Reminds me of when we
took Bark apple picking.
299
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,004
That was the first time
we beat the shit out
300
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,172
of somebody together.
301
00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:56,590
The guy tried to steal
that autumn crisp
302
00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:57,800
right out of my basket.
303
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,176
So you busted his lip.
304
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,845
And then you broke his ribs.
305
00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:02,972
- Didn't you also key his car?
- Oh, yeah.
306
00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:04,515
(chuckles) Fuck him.
307
00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:08,728
You realize how unfair
this is, don't you,
308
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,814
making me relive the trauma
of losing my dog all over again?
309
00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:13,023
Lose?
You didn't lose him.
310
00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:14,233
You abandoned him.
311
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,569
Oh, the absentee father
is going to lecture me
312
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,028
about abandonment.
That's rich.
313
00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:20,030
My daughter
was stolen from me.
314
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,198
You know, what is
the real reason
315
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:22,658
you needed me to come with you?
316
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:26,203
Oh, shit, you didn't
have the guts
317
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:27,621
to watch Bark Woofalo die alone.
318
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,206
Oh, this coming
from a woman
319
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:30,875
who spent her entire life
320
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,960
literally running
from her emotions.
321
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,587
Says the guy who had
his tear ducts removed
322
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,213
because he
was terrified of crying.
323
00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:38,299
You got a real
holier-than-thou attitude
324
00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:41,051
for a shitty mom
who's only screwed up her kid.
325
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:42,344
Oh, fuck you.
326
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,846
Fuck you right back.
327
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:52,354
{\an8}Why didn't that work?
328
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:54,440
Caveat on this reality warping--
329
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,025
if their shit
is already warped,
330
00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:57,401
you could make it worse.
331
00:12:57,485 --> 00:12:58,861
Now you tell me.
332
00:12:58,861 --> 00:13:00,946
Okay, there has to be
a way around this.
333
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:02,990
Let's find him a miracle.
334
00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:04,033
"Some
banging broad
335
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,701
named Charybdis..."
336
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:06,744
Was looking
to get stronger
337
00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:10,164
to help her daddy Poseidon in
a war against her uncle Zeus.
338
00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:13,459
Who am I not to intervene
in some domestic disputes,
339
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,461
especially with two dipshits
I've been wanting
340
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:16,837
to take out for centuries?
341
00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:19,882
I worked my magic
to discover a way to change
342
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,634
the form of things around me.
343
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:25,763
Now I can level her shit up
so she'll destroy Zeus for me.
344
00:13:25,763 --> 00:13:28,474
I call it
Matter Move Aroundsy.
345
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:30,768
Ain't nothing bad
happening from this.
346
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,311
Oh, hell, yeah.
347
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:34,855
You may be an unreliable
support system in my life,
348
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:36,982
but damn,
these powers are useful.
349
00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:39,235
I'll get it.
350
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:40,653
Oh, hey, Chrissy.
351
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,446
Bennigan,
Bennigan, Bennigan.
352
00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:45,407
Matter Move Aroundsy!
353
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:49,161
Oh, arms,
oh, yeah, that's a deltoid.
354
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:50,412
Six-pack!
355
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,208
Yeah, buns of steel.
356
00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:57,670
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
357
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,880
All right,
let's try this again.
358
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:02,550
I'll get it.
359
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:05,135
Oh, hey, Chrissy!
Wow, I just got hit
360
00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:06,428
with some hardcore déjà vu.
361
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,097
Hey, you been
working out recently?
362
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:10,057
Whoa, I've never noticed
that muscle before.
363
00:14:10,057 --> 00:14:11,517
How about around
of mini golf?
364
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,477
- Putter late than never.
- Ha!
365
00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:28,158
Oh, shit, he's headed
toward Bad Pussy Falls.
366
00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:29,410
This is all your fault.
367
00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:31,579
I'm not doing this
with you right now, okay?
368
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:32,746
We have to save Bark.
369
00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:38,294
Wait, you're
the stronger climber.
370
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:39,753
I'm the stronger swimmer.
371
00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:40,796
I'll get Bark Woofalo.
372
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,131
You throw me a tree vine.
373
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,216
That's weirdly rational.
374
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,844
Don't tell me you're
post-menopausal already.
375
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,858
Hold on, Woofie!
376
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:08,824
- Wanna wrestle again?
- Shut up.
377
00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:12,202
Welcome to Spike's Family Fun Zone.
378
00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:13,662
For your safety,
you may be randomly
379
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,164
selected for a cavity search.
380
00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:17,499
Whoa, the security's
insane in this place.
381
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,627
Spike, the owner,
is ex-military.
382
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:20,753
When a bunch
of raccoons on mescaline
383
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,630
destroyed this place
five years ago,
384
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:24,256
he swore on his fallen soldiers
385
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:27,009
he would never
let it happen again.
386
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:29,094
I have five
follow-up questions.
387
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:31,138
♪ Sports, hey, hey ♪
388
00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:32,598
♪ Let's play some sports ♪
389
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,016
- Yeah!
- ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
390
00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:35,643
Yah!
391
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,728
♪ Sports, hey, hey ♪
392
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:39,104
♪ Let's play some sports ♪
393
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:40,856
I gotcha, I gotcha!
Yah!
394
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,107
Yeah!
395
00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:45,152
♪ Let your hair down
and play some ♪
396
00:15:45,152 --> 00:15:46,820
♪ Today ♪
397
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:55,245
Why don't you
just give up, plumpy dumper?
398
00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:56,956
You should do the world
a favor and choke
399
00:15:56,956 --> 00:16:00,042
to death on chicken nuggies
like the slobby fuck you are.
400
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:02,169
Stop, just stop.
You're being a dick.
401
00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:03,212
I'm not just a dick.
402
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:05,965
I am a sick, unlovable
blob just like you.
403
00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:23,148
Is this really happening?
404
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:24,942
Uh, yeah, yeah.
405
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:27,486
Our body is eating
everything in sight.
406
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,614
Kobe.
407
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:35,911
Oh, crap.
408
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,413
Much to my chagrin,
her body
409
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:39,498
couldn't sustain
demonic aura, and she
410
00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:42,334
kind of became a huge
vacuum butthole with teeth.
411
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,294
Pretty fucking wacky.
412
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:46,422
Dang it, I really got to read
to the end of these.
413
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:51,593
Hey, buddy, I know
it seems like people
414
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:53,679
are running away from you
like you're a monster,
415
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,681
but they're not.
You're great.
416
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:57,141
- You're a--
- Monster!
417
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,356
My life's work!
418
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,608
Okay, I can fix this.
419
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,402
Focus, Chrissy, focus.
420
00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:10,112
No, stop.
421
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:12,448
I'm so sorry, Bennigan.
This is my fault.
422
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,824
You do this to me?
423
00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:16,243
I just wanted to help fix
the way you saw yourself.
424
00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:18,203
Fix me?
Fix me?
425
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:20,456
Because you think
I'm disgusting too?
426
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:22,166
No, no.
That's not it.
427
00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:26,587
Another head? The monster's
got a double head now.
428
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:28,505
You can all see it too?
429
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,632
I don't blame
them for screaming.
430
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:32,843
You were already
terrifying and hideous.
431
00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:34,595
And now look at you.
432
00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:40,809
Unleash hell.
433
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:45,939
Pyramids of Giza,
434
00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:48,692
Christ the Redeemer.
435
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,362
Fire!
Hit him with a fastball.
436
00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:54,573
Bennigan, stop,
or they'll kill you.
437
00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:55,991
How is this legal?
438
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,623
Thanks for saving our dog
and acknowledging
439
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,750
that I'm actually good
at something.
440
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,877
You're... welcome.
441
00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:09,129
And I think we need to chill
on trying to kill each other
442
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:10,255
every time we meet.
443
00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:12,424
It puts the things
we love in danger.
444
00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:16,762
I think it's time.
445
00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:29,733
Goodbye, buddy.
446
00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:32,361
I'm going to see you on
the face of every puppy.
447
00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:34,780
I know a piece of your soul
will be in all of them.
448
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:38,534
I think some puppy pom
got in my eye or something.
449
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:37,759
Nope.
450
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:40,512
Stop hurting him.
Please listen to me.
451
00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:41,930
This is all my fault.
452
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,724
He's only this way
because of me.
453
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:46,310
I rebuilt once.
I won't do it again.
454
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,312
- Let's end this.
- Okay, I can do something.
455
00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:49,813
What can I do?
What can I do?
456
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:51,648
The only way
to stop the corruption
457
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:54,776
is for another subject to
absorb the matter themselves.
458
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,653
That's a no for me, dog.
459
00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,822
Chrissy,
Chrissy, Chrissy.
460
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:02,075
Absorb-sy warbsy!
461
00:20:05,245 --> 00:20:11,376
You haven't seen
the last of me.
462
00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:14,379
Okay, call off
the scud missiles.
463
00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:20,719
- Don't look at me.
- Bennigan, wait.
464
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,346
I told you, honey,
mini golf's for freaks.
465
00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:27,226
Then she tried to make
a move on me at the lake.
466
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,644
It was pathetic.
467
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:30,020
You should have seen it, Snakey.
468
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,774
Please help me.
469
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:35,192
Is that Bill the Behemoth?
470
00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:37,361
If so, I definitely don't
know where your
471
00:20:37,361 --> 00:20:39,446
Nymphs Gone Wild DVDs went.
472
00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:41,865
Matter Move Aroundsy.
473
00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:44,701
Oh, ha ha, shit, Chrissy?
474
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:46,495
You got deep into my journals.
475
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:47,829
Fun stuff, huh?
476
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:49,581
Can you please--
477
00:20:49,665 --> 00:20:51,917
Yeah, chill.
I got you.
478
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:53,293
Thank you very much.
479
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,837
Oh yeah, Bill exploded.
480
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,047
I keep forgetting.
481
00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:59,216
Snakey, fire up them DVDs.
482
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:05,138
- Hey.
- Hey.
483
00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:08,100
I know you probably don't
want to talk to me right now,
484
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,643
but, um--
485
00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:10,894
oh, ha.
486
00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:12,354
Um, I was hoping
you'd stop me there.
487
00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:14,106
It seems like you want
to tell me something,
488
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:15,148
so I'm listening.
489
00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:16,650
I--I shouldn't
have inserted myself
490
00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:18,151
into your life like that.
491
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:19,945
I violated your body
and your trust
492
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:22,739
by trying to change things,
and I'm so sorry.
493
00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:27,995
But, hey, on the bright side,
it all worked out, kinda.
494
00:21:27,995 --> 00:21:30,664
So are we cool?
495
00:21:30,664 --> 00:21:32,666
Chrissy,
you're my best friend.
496
00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:35,669
But after I told you my secret
at school, you didn't stop.
497
00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:37,963
Now everyone knows my private--
498
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,131
never mind.
499
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:41,508
I know,
and I feel so awful.
500
00:21:41,508 --> 00:21:44,636
But maybe my dad
could help me fix it.
501
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,180
I finished our project,
by the way.
502
00:21:47,264 --> 00:21:49,641
Have a good night, Chrissy.
503
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:52,728
52 calls out year after
year to no response.
504
00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:54,396
There's no reason
he would do that
505
00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:56,857
unless no other whales
could understand him.
506
00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:58,317
He really must be
the loneliest animal
507
00:21:58,317 --> 00:21:59,359
on the planet.
508
00:22:51,578 --> 00:22:53,080
Excuse me,
I'm looking
509
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:57,125
for a 1/8th diameter
spear tip drill bit,
510
00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:58,835
and I can't seem to find it.
511
00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:00,212
Cheaper brand's fine too.
512
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:02,339
My budget's a little
low these days.
513
00:23:02,339 --> 00:23:04,549
I had money stored up
for emergencies
514
00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:06,343
and was given a severance pay
from the Pope,
515
00:23:06,343 --> 00:23:09,513
so most of my funds are going
towards this sort of stuff.
516
00:23:09,513 --> 00:23:10,680
I'm okay, though.
517
00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:12,599
I'm not telling you that
to make you feel better.
518
00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:15,811
It's just an instinctive
reaction when I see someone
519
00:23:15,811 --> 00:23:17,479
confused or pitying me.
520
00:23:17,479 --> 00:23:20,107
I'm now heavily medicated
to maintain the pain
521
00:23:20,107 --> 00:23:21,733
of the loss of my dick.
522
00:23:21,817 --> 00:23:23,860
And even though it's affecting
the filters in my brain,
523
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:27,197
like oversharing, I can
still pick up on social cues.
524
00:23:27,197 --> 00:23:30,325
But yeah, I'm making a laser
to kill a little girl.
525
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:32,369
The drill bits
are behind you.
526
00:23:32,369 --> 00:23:33,954
Ah! What do you know?
527
00:23:33,954 --> 00:23:36,623
This is perfect.
528
00:23:43,630 --> 00:23:46,383
{\an8}Captioned by Captionmax
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