Original subtitles

It was Christmas Eve, babe

In the drunk tank

An old man said to me

Won't see another one

And then we sang a song

The Rare Old Mountain's Dew

I turned my face away

And dreamed about you...

Hey, this one looks good.

What in the fires of Ogord y'all think you doing?

Hey, Captain. We're just, uh... Have you ever heard of Christmas?

What?

Well, it's a celebration we have once a year on Earth,

where everybody gets presents for each other.

So, me and Kraglin made this tree and we got gifts for everyone.

It was Pete's idea.

Eh...

- And this one here's for you. - Don't come at me with no damn gifts.

What a Ravager gets, he works for. We ain't about no damn handouts.

- It's more like a sign of appreciation. - That sounds more like sentiment, boy.

That may be okay for you mushy types on Terra,

but out here in the cold rigors of space, it's what'll get you killed.

And you, you ought to know better.

Now, get this crap out of here.

If it ain't out of here before I get back,

you're both gonna be cleaning the latrines for the rest of the damn year.

- But that's Gef's favorite job. - You talking back now, Kraglin?

No.

I hate Christmas!

And that's how Yondu ruined Christmas forever.

That is so sad.

I like the part where Yondu kicked over the tree.

Anyways, I just saw on the Multi-calendar

that right now on Earth, it's almost Christmastime.

So, yeah, it kind of brings back some memories.

Yondu had a point.

Ever since buying Knowhere from The Collector,

we don't have time for trivialities like Christmas.

This place needs a lot of fixing up before it's livable.

- Yeah, I reckon we've got work to do. - Yeah.

That was such a heartbreaking story.

I know. I hate stories where everybody lives.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Cosmo, what use is telekinesis if you can't even aim?

You wanna do it? Do it.

Just concentrate, you stupid mutt.

What?

I refuse to do any more work while you demean me.

All right, all right. I'm sorry. Chill out.

Also, I want one of those delicious treats in that bag.

All right, that's it. Back to work.

Here he comes.

Hey, Peter.

Oh. Hi, Bzermikitokolok.

My bandmates and I have been mastering

these old Earth instruments and working on a little ditty.

And I thought you might be able to help us out

as it's about one of your Earth traditions.

- Oh? - Christmas.

Oh.

Everything I know about Christmas, I learned from Rocket,

who learned from Cosmo, who learned from Kraglin,

who learned from you.

So I thought I might just take it back to the source

and make sure I understand this all correctly.

This is, after all, a historical document.

- Okay. Yeah, sure. - Okay.

Out on the third planet closest to the sun

There's a special celebration And it sounds quite fun

A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone

On a holiday they call Christmas

That's perfect. Good. Bzer, good job.

Now I'm not gonna lie

Oh, there's more.

It makes no sense to me

But here's what I've discovered about this Christmas mystery

I'm super busy. Is this a long song?

One, two, three.

Santa is a furry freak with epic superpowers

He flies to every human home in under 14 hours

He's a master burglar

No.

A pro at picking locks

No.

If you don't leave milk and cookies out

He will put dung in your socks

That is not part of the lore at all.

If you act nicely through the night

And don't jump on your bed

Santa comes with sugar plums and hurls them at your head

But if you're on his naughty list

He shoots missiles at your toes

He might just roast your chestnuts

With his powerful flamethrower

No, he doesn't have a flamethrower.

Rein, rein, rein, rein, rein

That's kinda cool.

Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer

I don't know what Christmas is But Christmastime is here

He's compelled his creepy elves to do his every wish

Huh?

One sought to be a dentist Now he's sleeping with the fish

Mrs. Claus, she works the pole Plans her man's demise

No!

Soon the elves will all rise up

And stab out Santa's eyes

I am Groot.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho

Earthlings are so weird

That's true.

I don't know what Christmas is But Christmastime is here

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho

Earthlings are so weird

I don't know what Christmas is But Christmastime is here

What the heck's a turtledove?

And who lit up that deer?

I don't know what Christmas is But Christmastime is here

I don't know what Christmas is But Christmastime is here

Or maybe it's there Or it's somewhere

I don't know.

- You just got these instruments? - Thank you, Knowhere.

Have you ever seen a crowd more into it?

He loved it, guys.

It sounds like Christmas is a wonderful time,

and Yondu ruined it for Peter.

I feel like I should do something.

- Why? - Because of, you know, my secret.

The one only you know.

That you ate the entire bowl of zarg-nuts in the commissary?

- My other secret. - That you're Quill's sister?

Why don't you just tell people the truth?

Peter's father, our father, killed his mother and tried to kill him.

I don't want him to be reminded of that every time he sees me.

No, I meant about the zarg-nuts.

Oh. I don't think anyone cares about that but you.

Maybe because I'm his sister,

I feel like I should give Peter a happy Christmas.

He's so sad about Gamora being gone.

Maybe if we gave Peter a really wonderful Christmas gift,

it would make him happy.

Well, we could give him those zarg-nuts, except you ate them all.

Get over the zarg-nuts!

- What kind of present? - Something special he will never forget.

- What about someone special? - What?

Over the years, Quill has talked about one person more than any other.

A legendary hero who has saved countless lives.

We could give him to Quill as a present.

Kyra, hey, honey.

Hey, baby.

I can't wait for you guys to get back from New York.

- Did you get the stuff? - Yep.

Yeah, I got all the presents.

Everything is set for the perfect family Christmas.

I don't care what the neighbors say

Christmastime is near

I don't care what anyone says

Christmas is full of cheer

All I know is that Santa's...

Wow!

I wonder which one belongs to Kevin Bacon.

Drax, why are they staring?

You put the cloaking device on like you said you did, right?

Yes.

I can plainly see that you just did it right now in front of me.

- No, I didn't. - Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

I wish I brought Groot.

So, we'll go down into the city and ask people where Kevin Bacon is.

Do you think Kevin Bacon is the leader of the world

or just to most people?

- I think everybody. - Oh! I'm so excited.

I can hear the sleigh bells coming around the bend

Here comes the darkest end

Christmas is here

Look.

Steve!

- Why is he running away? - I don't know.

- Hey! - No! I'm sorry. GoBots killed his cousin.

- I'll rip your head off! - Drax! Stop being a bigot.

Oh. Hey, can we get a picture? Come on, guys. Come on. Ready?

- Okay, amazing. Thank you so much. - Thank you.

We got a picture with the God of War.

My dear

Is this Christmas?

Whatever happened to that festive cheer?

Could Kevin Bacon be in here?

Don't think I have the energy

To add to my already mad rush

The perfect gift for me would be