Original subtitles

What's wrong, Gary?

I've been working it for 15 minutes and nothing.

Are you tired?

Look, it's just earlier today I may have

had one or two cheeky wanks.

Well, which is it?

One or two?

Have you been spaffing to porn again?

You're supposed to be on a porn diet.

You're addicted.

I'm not addicted.

It's me hobby.

Well, give it a rest, because when you can get up,

it's not fun for me either.

All right, I'll try.

You just can't seem to get excited by the real thing

anymore.

It's all just a bit vanilla.

I've seen things, Laura...

Things I can't unsee.

I were hoping work was gonna help

me forget Gary's useless knob.

Hey, enough sex talk.

Focus on the condoms, please.

It's bad enough I have to stand in till Bunny arrives.

Yeah, well you didn't have to wear her costume, Malcolm.

I can see your nipples.

Well, that's a lie, Meg, because mine are inverted.

Excuse me, sir, can I interest you

in a sensually shaped prophylactic

for your gentleman's penis?

So sorry.

Slept through my alarm.

Then I went shopping.

All right.

OK.

Put this on, please.

Ugh.

Malcolm, it's damp. - Don't worry.

It's not sweat.

It's Vaseline.

How can you afford all that on what he pays us?

Daddy gave me his credit card to use for emergencies.

How is this an emergency?

Well, Harvey Nichols sale ends today.

I see you got yourself some stilts.

Well, you know what they say.

If the shoe fits, buy them.

And if they don't, just buy them anyway and take painkillers.

Shit.

It's dad.

He must know I've used his card.

Find my phone.

He's using find my phone.

Oh, shit.

He's tracking me.

Oh god!

Now he's ringing me again.

Hanging up.

That'll fix it.

So, what is the word literally on the street?

Gary said I'm too vanilla.

Don't find me sexy anymore.

Course he does, Laura.

Gary finds everything sexy.

I can understand why you're angry, Laura.

Porn is so degrading to women.

I mean, it makes you feel like objects.

Yeah, like an object nobody wants.

Like a book.

You know what they say.

If you can't beat them, join them.

I ain't doing porn.

You have to change your name.

I think she means watch porn with him.

Meg?

Kelly?

Oh my god.

I haven't seen you since we left school.

Basics biology bitches.

Basics biology bitches.

Oh my god, what have you been up to?

Oh, wow.

Um, a few years back, I opened a coffee store in

out the back of a repurposed rickshaw.

Not bad. Yeah, I've been...

Since then the business has grown into a chain

of successful boutique coffee shops,

and I'm about to expand the franchise

into nine more cities.

What about you?

Um.

Similar.

I'm... I'm working in communications,

uh, for... for a high end purveyor

of market rubber Jonathans.

I'm a big believer in safe sex.

It's my passion.

Meg, hon, who made you wear this degrading thing?

Hello.

Can I interest you in heightening

your sensual pleasure whilst lowering the risk of chlamydia

today?

Him.

He made me do this.

Are you aware that, by the age of 17,

78% of girls are self-conscious about their body image?

All thanks to ignorant men like you

objectifying intelligent women like these.

You're a business dinosaur, and like the actual dinosaurs,

you'll soon be extinct.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

You don't like the slutty outfits.

No.

I do not like the slutty outfits,

and neither will the Equality and Human Rights

Commission when I report this.

I'll talk to head office straightaway.

And please, by way of an apology,

have some free spunk bags.

Meg, it has been so lovely seeing you.

Linkedln me, yeah?

I want to have sex with her life.

Right, then.

So, what kind do you want to watch?

I don't know.

What do you want to watch?

Anything you want to watch, really.

You choose.

No, you choose.

Ladies first.

Honestly.

You're the expert.

What are you into?

Well, I don't know.

Um, I quite like this kind.

No.

Right.

Let's build up to that.

What about hot dirty blondes?

No, boring.

Something else.

What about this?

MILFs... as in mums?

Mums I'd like to...

Yeah.

That OK?

Sexy triple X MILFs.

Porn MILF on MILF action.

Two MILFs, one cup.

Lager-drinking MILF gets shagged.

MILFs behaving badly.

Well, she can't be a mum.

She's fucking my age, and those are not the tits

of someone who's breastfed.

Hang on, is she his mum?

Step mum.

Shh.

Ugh.

That's not how you get a lad to tidy his room.

Maybe it is.

Oh, that's convenient.

I though she were annoyed with him.

Now she's sucking him off. - Shh!

Why do girls always have to talk through films?

The plots all over the place, Gary.

Oh, that is so hot.

I would love it if you did that to me.

Yeah, Gary, and I'd like it if you

had a six pack and a big fat swinging dick

and lasted 45 minutes.

Can't always get what we want, can we?

Where are you going, a fancy dress party?

What's the theme, American bingo ladies?

I'm going to see Kate at one of her cafes.

How funny is this?

It's called Bean and Scon.

It's scone.

Why are you drinking coffee before you go to a coffee shop?

I though you hated it anyway.

What, me?

No, I love it.

Didn't you once have an allergic reaction to coffee

where you had hallucinations?

You said you could see noises.

Pfft.

Kate is just the sort of person I should be hanging out with.

Hoping some of her success rubs off on me.

Quite like her dress sense has?

Pfft.

Says the girl whose dress sense is smart casually

stealing from her father.

I've had a tough week.

I feel like I've earned it.

Your dad has.

How are the stilts.

I've fallen over twice, but who

cares when I look this good.

Yeah, you look drunk.

You do realize he's gonna just make you take it all back

once he tracks you down.

Wrong.

Because how can he track me down when my phone isn't on?

So you're just gonna keep your phone switched

off till what, you die?

No, just until the store's return policy runs out.

28 days without a phone?

You won't last half an hour.

28 days?

Is that how long that is?

Hold on.

I've just got to Google that.

I can't use my phone.

That horny twat's been wanking himself dry over MILFs.

What have MILFs got that I haven't?

- Children. - I don't trust internet MILFs.

I reckon most of them... they aren't even mothers, anyway.

I mean, who's looking after the kids?

Probably at school.

9 o'clock drop the kids off.

9:30 film a shag.

Lunch.

A couple of blowies.

Pick the kids up again. Tea.

Homework.

Bed.

MILFs.

- Mummy's very angry. - What are you doing?

I'm a MILF, Gary.

Like one of those internet ones you've been creaming over.

Oh, yes.

Have I been naughty?

Yeah.

I asked you to tidy your room, but look at it.

It's a pig sty.

Am I gonna be punished?

I should be putting a hot wash on.

Oh, yeah.

Keep talking, you dirty MILF.

I should be putting a hot wash on,

but I'm so knackered from lagging

around all this baby weight.

I'm just a tired, horny MILF.

This is so wrong.

I know.

I shouldn't be feeling all these feelings about my son.

I shouldn't be here, but I can't control myself.

We can't control ourselves.

This is really turning me on, Laura.

Yeah, well tidy up this shithole,

and we'll get your cock out.

This is so naughty.

Keep talking.

I shouldn't be thinking all these things about you.

Like what?

You're useless.

You're a waste of time.

And you're gonna fail all your exams, you thick bastard.

No wonder your dad left.

What?

Laura, you sound like me real mum.

I'm not Laura.

I'm Jill.

Jill's me mum's name.

Yeah, exactly.

No, don't be me actual mum.

I don't fancy me real mum.

You've taken it too far.

He's gone soft now.

Well, at least I'm trying.

If I don't turn you on, Gary.

Just come out and say it.

It's time for drastic measures.

No, Laura.

You do turn me on, Laura.

Are you still putting an hot wash on?

Free of charge, because you're making a difference.

One espresso, please.

I'm hearing you.

One espresso.

One espresso. - Oh.

Hi, Meg.

What up, biatch?

What up, you bitch?

So can anyone get a free coffee, or?

Oh, only those supporting charities.

In this case, uh, the fight against bipolar disorder.

Why fight it, I say.

I'm hearing you.

You know I've got an uncle with bipolar.

He's a right laugh, but sometimes he

does want to kill himself.

We all feel a bit like that sometimes, don't we,

before we've had our first coffee in the morning.

Am I right?

Do you fancy a latte?

Yeah.

Do I?

Because it's not like I don't like coffee, cause I do.

Death to decaf.

That's what I say.

Two lattes. Cool cups.

Why doesn't everyone use these.

Sit with me.

Look at us.

Back together again.

You with your napkins, and your franchise,

and your bloody successful life. Me with...

Oh, it's just another batch of CVs from the agency.

You know, I really didn't think it would be this hard to find

a new store manager.

What... what skills might be required for such a position?

You need to be very organized.

Click.

Someone who is good at listening

and taking things on board.

Yeah, if I've listened to that and taken it on board

correctly, you need someone who's good at both listening

and taking things on board.

I mean, the hardest thing is just finding

who can think outside the box.

Cheese-a-chino.

Uh, coffee, frothy cheese, chocolate sprinkles.

Cheese-a-chino. Sell them to the French.

God, it is so fun having you around.

Wait a minute.

Meg, do you have any previous hot beverage

preparation experience?

Me? Shitloads.

Yeah, yeah.

Tea, coffee, Ovaltine, pot noodle.

You name, I've poured hot water on it, sister.

Well, why don't you come and work for me?

Um, hm.

Let me just think about that.

Uh, yes!

I'm hearing you!

Obviously we can't completely bypass the interview,

but it's just me asking the questions,

and it's 90% personality anyway.

Personality?

Oh, has anyone around here got one of those.

Me.

So what is your current notice period?

Um, just the time it takes me to text Malcolm.

Let's do this, biatch.

What are you doing?

No Instagram, so I am taking a photo of my food,

and then I'm going to post it to some friends

once I pick it up from Snappy Snaps.

Funny.

You sound like a technological dinosaur.

You know what happens to technological dinosaurs,

don't you?

They stand in the living room talking to me right now.

Do you even know how to use that phone?

You're thinking outside the box.

I'm hearing you.

Another latte, Meg?

Careful, you've been downing those all day.

Liquid research.

What can I say?

I've got a very mature palate.

And a really fast pumping heart.

And a headache.

I feel a bit sick.

Meg, you won't be able to sleep at this rate.

Yeah, I'm hearing you, but it's just Kate interviewing me,

so it's gonna be a piece of piss.

Me and Kate are like this.

Are you trying to cross your fingers?

I think it might be the caffeine.

Thank you.

Like this.

So this is actual Viagra.

I paid 25 quid for those, Gary,

plus postage from Pyongyang.

I'm not seeing them go to waste.

I can't swallow big pills.

Oh, grow some bollocks, Gary.

It's a medical condition.

There's nothing you can take for it.

Right.

Swallow it, you pussy.

When mum wanted me to take big pills,

she used to sprinkle them on ice cream.

Can we not bring your mum into this?

You hard yet?

Not yet.

I might need another bowl.

God, my feet are actually killing me.

Are we nearly home yet?

Wait.

Where are we?

Out to my interview for Bean and Scon.

It's scone.

Meg, this is extremely selfish.

How am I supposed to get home?

Keep walking there.

It's 10 minute.

How?

You can't get home without the map on your phone, can you?

No.

And I don't want to use daddy's credit

card to get a cab because that would be taking the piss.

Finally found it?

The moral boundary?

I wasn't sure there was one.

Well, I suppose I'll just have to wait for you then.

God, I'm bored already.

Latte?

Why not?

Mm.

You haven't slept, have you?

Not a wink.

How's my breath?

Have I got a furry tongue?

Megan Keswick?

They're ready for you.

Can I come with?

No, thanks.

Already got enough friends in there.

What up...

Megan, may I introduce you to the venture capitalists

who control 90% of my company.

As I said, it's just a formality.

Latte?

We've been trying out the new machine.

Do I ever.

Hm.

Hm.

Let me guess.

Colombian roast.

- Peruvian blend. - Blend.

Yeah.

That's... that's what I thought it was.

It's my favorite one.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

That is great.

Now, Megan, you mentioned you've

had some previous experience of customer

facing commercial beverage preparation.

Please elaborate.

Yes, Kate, well, uh, I've had so much customer

facing commercial beverage preparation experience

it's hard to choose just one.

As this is the first question, it's probably best if you did.

Great.

Great.

Great.

Great.

Great.

Sorry, can you repeat the question?

Oh!

Ugh!

My ankle!

I think I need a doctor.

Let's, uh, try a different question.

What is the perfect ratio for a flat white?

Great.

Great, yeah.

Great.

Can't use my phone.

Meg!

Oh, turds.

Meg, I can't get up.

It's just flat, and then it's...

A bit of white.

It's just...

You're nervous.

That's fine.

OK, Meg, the guys would like to see your coffee making skills.

Great.

Coffee.

Here we go.

How do you take it? Milk?

Sugar?

We'd like you to make a venti skinny three

pump decaf mocha.

One of those coming right up.

Oh, no.

Meg, venti.

No!

Venti.

Oh, venti.

Which agency sent her?

Personal recommendation.

I'm sure she knows what she's doing.

No, Meg, that's my Young Businesswoman

of the Year Award.

Meg, venti.

The large ones on the right, sweetheart.

Meg?

Yep, I'm hearing you.

Large cups.

My ankle!

Meg!

Fuck me that's loud!

OK.

Well, you've changed the model.

It used to come out the other one.

Still going.

It's your new personal best, Gaz.

Me ball-sack's rock solid.

I'm scared!

I'm gonna change position.

My knees are out.

Jesus, are you getting close yet, Gaz?

Not even a twitch.

After this, I'm gonna bone you and then again forever.

I'll just let it cool down for a moment.

Please, Gaz, when will it end?

I'm sorry.

Maybe we should get the laptop.

Not a chance!

Forget it!

You've ruined our sex life, Gaz, with your internet crap.

We've tried everything.

Right.

You're going on a porn diet whether you like it or not.

No.

- And I'm taking this. - No!

Not the router!

And this.

Call me when you're at half mast.

No!

No!

Ah!

Mm.

Were you just sick?

Wasn't.

I haven't done a sick.

She was. I just saw it.

She was sick in that cup.

I think we should stop the interview.

No.

Meg, were you sick?

No, it's just frothy milk.

Look, I trust Meg 100%.

I've known this girl since school.

She wouldn't lie.

If she says she wasn't sick in that cup,

she wasn't sick in the cup.

I wasn't sick in the cup.

She was sick in the cup.

We will be in touch.

No, you won't.

Meg, help me!

What the fuck? - Hi, Meg.

Do you know her?

No.

Meg?

She's bipolar.

Did you forget to take your meds, you mental cunt?

Kate, we need to have a dialogue about this.

Yeah, OK.

Meg, will you just get out?

Yeah, doing that now, Kate mate.

I'll Linkedln you, yeah?

Oh, Meg.

I don't think my life could get much worse.

Well, this is an improvement.

Uh, girls, please.

Sorry, ladies.

I mean, humans.

The important point is your outfits

now no longer objectify women.

You're welcome.

I am single-handedly moving gender

equality in the promo distribution industry

into the 20th century.

21st century.

Well, baby steps.

Shame on you.

Well, now, hang on a minute.

Uh, excuse me.

This is hilarious.

Phone's back on then?

Oh, yeah.

Good news.

Dad wasn't ringing about the credit card after all.

Turns out that my auntie's died, thank god.

How's Gary's penis?

Dieting.

So I take it you didn't get the job then, Meg?

Nope. It's cool, though.

Me and Kate are still gonna be great mates.

Oh right, so if she saw you in the street, she'd say hi.

Yeah.

Even if you were dressed as a johnny.

Yeah.

Well, good, because she's here now.

Kate!

Kate!

Biatch!

Ah, she obviously hasn't seen me.

Biatch!

Kate, it's me!

Biatch, it's me!

Literally a massive dick.

Kate!

Biatch!

Biatch!