Original subtitles

Iris, trajectory. And make it good news.

Liquid fuel reserves

are insufficient to correct our course...

Then we'll think of something else, Iris.

Something scientific.

How can so much light...

...feel so dark?

The sun gave our ancestors life.

The fuck we gonna let it bring us death.

I agree.

- You see that? - Yeah.

It's my TV show, and I'm barely even in it. Look.

I agree.

I concur.

I think so too.

- Embrace the fear, always. - I absolutely agree.

Why does he agree with everything

- that's said to him. - You hate agreeing.

Exactly! I... You know what, I don't understand this.

Why doesn't Iris go up to them

and tell them about all the cool shit I do?

Not to be unkind,

but you don't actually do that much cool shit.

What are you talking about?

The whole time I've known you, you've done, like,

- maybe one piece of cool shit. - Which? Uh, you mean, uh...

- The time you crushed the soda can. - ...crushing the soda can?

Oh, man, that was so badass.

You need to get crushing.

I agree.

Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com

Oh, my Go... Fifty-seven more eels dead

- overnight. - Ugh.

God, all that unfulfilled potential.

You think about what they could've been.

Food, Matt. They could have been food.

Hey, there's a dot on the horizon.

I mean, we just avoided one sun.

Are we going for best out of three?

Matt, will you shut your doom hole?

We're trying to suppress those mem...

There's a dot. Is that a good dot or a bad dot?

I bring news. We have a dot.

We know. Is it good? Is it a good dot?

Most likely a military space station.

- It's conga time, folks! - Ooh-ho!

Oh, my gosh! Intelligent crew members.

They could help us fix the eel tank.

I mean, the guys, I work with,

it's like someone drew eyes on a sock.

- No... No offence. - And new friends!

- Did I say that out loud? - Yeah.

- Herman Judd on deck! - Here to crush shit up.

Not now, Judd. We have got an actual space station.

This is... This is hope, right here.

Uh...

Bridge crew, set a course for that space station.

Never mind the speed limit.

You heard the boss. Let's make human contact.

- New people, people. - I agree!

Oh, I actually do this time.

Which one is it? It's that one?

Right there.

Stormfalcon.

This is Captain Ryan Clark of Avenue 5.

Our eel tanks are fucked. Can you help us? Over.

This is Johanna from the Stormfalcon.

What seems to be the problem?

Okay, tell her that the nanofilters are on the fritz,

- that the tension stat's blown... - Ask if they have any shoe deodorizer.

Will you shut the fuck up? Both of you.

Johanna, how lovely to hear an English voice.

Uh, listen, I wonder if we can do this face to face.

I could come over with some improvised icebreakers,

maybe a tray of home-baked protein.

Copy that. Ready and waiting.

- What's her problem? - Now, we need a delegation

with the requisite social skills.

I could go.

I'm a virtuostic conversationalist. Self-taught.

- Billie, Matt, Spike. Let's go. - Yeah, keep the number small.

Smart. Okay. Away, team!

Stay frosty.

Space marines, tough as fuck and twice as big.

Hello! Welcome to the Stormfalcon.

- Lovely to see you. - Hi.

Uh, on behalf of the people of Avenue 5,

we brought flapjack.

Wow, thanks. We love anything cooked in a rectangle.

A bit too much, some of us.

Come on through.

So, you've gotta ask for the chief engineer

as soon as possible, so that we can get straight...

Billie! Billie! Yes, let's...

Let's do the human stuff first.

Uh, this is our main lounge area.

It gets a bit wild when the jigsaws are out.

Well, this is, uh, surprising for a, uh, military facility.

Oh no, actually, we're a science unit.

Military?

I wouldn't fancy my chances

of passing the physical.

God, it's so civilized here.

Avenue 5 is a cultural void.

We have a problem with toddler combat.

That is a bit of an exaggeration.

- Toddler combat? - Yeah,

kids so starved of stimuli that they've started

kind of a cage fighting thing in the soft play area.

It doesn't sound great when you put it like that.

But there's a lot of adult supervision.

Sometimes crowds of up to 50, 60 people.

I'm gonna come clean.

We are just such huge fans of the show about you.

- Huh? - Oh, tha... the... yes, yes.

"How can so much light feel so dark?"

- Is that one of the... the... - Yes.

You... you know, um, one of my favorite lines

that he does is, "Can you help fix the eel tank?"

Sorry, which one are you in the... in the show?

Oh, Billie. Uh, Billie McEvoy. Chief science officer.

Really, is that what you are?

- Yes. - Are you sure?

Because on the show, she has a much more pleasant energy.

Yeah, that's her.

That's... that's her, and I think...

Yeah, there she is, too.

No, she can't even spell "science." Or "eels."

Oh, eels. I think we can help you with that.

Uh, this is Lyle, our resident physicist,

freethinker, and all-around nonconformist.

I find traditional methods of thought too rigid. Sue me!

Captain, would you care to stay for supper?

- Bring some plus ones. - Oh, we really can't

because the eels are actually in cris...

Billie, human.

You know, that would be absolutely delightful.

Well, I could whip up some

calcium phosphate noodles in the emulsifier.

You should meet Frank. Frank is our you.

Sad eyes. Phenomenal omelets.

Captain, let me show you some long chain fatty acids

we were looking at the other day.

And obviously you checked the solenoid valve,

they clog up faster

- than a gas station toilet. - Yes!

You really do know your stuff. I mean, God! I miss competence.

Um, I'm a bit of a maverick myself.

Check the old neck warmer.

Friend, that's not a ponytail.

This is a ponytail.

Wow. Spike Martin.

Fifth Canadian on Mars? Never heard of him.

Yeah, yeah, that's me.

Come on, give me something else,

something better.

Look, I've been riding this lithium thing for you, bareback.

- I should be on that list! - Which list?

Time magazine's "50 Most Tragic Middle Managers"?

Yes to the coffee, no to you.

Look, we've got one last supply shuttle

- before they're out of range... - Why are you still here?

I'm busy.

Right, these windows aren't gonna lick themselves.

What's wrong?

I can smell fear, and... is it burritos?

- What are you hiding? - All right.

You want in on a little Armageddon.

Fine.

Earth is running out of lithium. Now you know.

So there'll be no supply shuttle,

there'll be no nothing.

Wait, I saw documentaries about lithium shortages,

but I thought they were just documentaries.

Without lithium, you can say goodbye to banks

and telecoms and computers, and you can say hello

to wearing untreated animal skins

and wiping your ass with leaves.

I am not saying hello to that. Or shaking your hand.

Fuck it, maybe I'll get on that last shuttle.

Who can blame you? This must be exhausting for you.

See!

Maybe, you just need to... rest.

Ass to the left.

All right, I'm platituded out. And I drugged your coffee.

- Is it? - Hmm.

Yeah.

And... there he goes.

Leaving on shuttle, immediately. Standard meal, non-insectoid.

Meet some of our finest and most available.

This is, uh, this is Frank.

- Hello. - Frank has a cookery show

on our ship, called...

what's it called, Frank? Leave It Alone, is it?

- Let It Settle. - Let It Settle.

Live from the Frank Tank.

What... what kind of cuisine?

Tell us about the cuisine, Frank.

Uh, it's high flavor, low voltage.

I use only hotel cabin appliances,

and love.

Oh, that's what you do with your love.

Okay, um, we just lost another eel.

Eel Patrick Harris is dead.

Oh, no. He was great.

- I love your earrings. - Great earrings.

Frank is the genius. I'm barely here.

It's just Frank Kelly and His Invisible Wife.

So you can move on.

Unbelievable. The attitude on that bitch.

Attitude.

Okay, I'm panicking.

I know I said I wanted to meet new people,

but I'm really not very good at this.

Okay, deep breaths.

- Easy, tiger. - This is Rav.

- Good to meet you. - Hello to you.

Oh, I like your hands. Um... Left and right, classic.

Yes. Yes, thank you.

Rav, for fuck's sake, get your chap sorted.

Sorry. Sorry.

How would you rate Judd on the TV show?

Judd. The owner of the ship. Herman Judd. "I agree."

Oh, the agreement guy.

He doesn't really add very much.

Hmm. Yeah. And you do? Hmm. If anything, you subtract.

You know, I get into a bit of a pickle

and then I feel hyper self-conscious

- about everything that I say. - Rav, the key to small talk

is pretending that you have no sexuality and no aggression.

Okay? Ready? Oh, here we go.

- Hi. - Hi, hi.

Can we say that anymore?

God knows what we can say these days, right?

What do you want?

Okay, people. If you could all please take off your shoes

and take one of the pairs of moccasins provided.

Would it be okay if I keep mine on?

I've got a bit of a cavus foot.

So I need these orthotic inserts.

Right, yeah, he needs a rigid sole

to support his high arches.

- Right, Captain? - Yes. That's... That's right.

Uh, but if you have a clog or Japanese water sandals?

Soft-soled shoes are the best practice.

Paula.

You will be fine in your socks, Captain.

Everyone else! If you wouldn't mind.

Good call.

Oh, and that "collision course for the sun" episode,

it was so dramatic, I clenched so hard,

- I shattered a rear molar. - Did you? Really? Well...

You know, I actually didn't see that episode

because I was too busy watching our eels suffocate to death.

- Okay, okay. - Yeah, dumpling,

we really should do something about the eels.

- Dumpling? - Honey,

do we need to talk about this "Ryan" thing?

I know, I know.

Oh, sure. And let's tell our new friends

that you kept me locked in a cabin for six months.

Okay, now that you mention it, yes, there's big tension

- between you and Ryan. - Thank you.

- No, our eels are fucking dying! - All right, all right. Johanna...

You know what I miss most of all?

- My dogs. - Dogs?

I love dogs, you have dogs?

- I have beagles. - No!

And I have photos.

She has beagles, let me see.

Ooh. You're not gonna see that one.

Oh, my God, look at his little nose.

Oh, my God. I bet it tastes like cake.

He looks like a right laugh.

I want to own my own kennel, like, one day.

Just have a buttload of dogs.

So many dogs that the local kids go,

"Oh, look, there's that stinky old dog lady! Get her!"

I'd love that.

How did I get dumped at the Judas end

of The Last Supper, huh?

Uh, hey, Ryan. Hey, Ryan. Hey, Ryan. Hey!

So, what are you guys talking about down there?

We're talking about dogs.

Dog, doggos.

You know, uh, when you see dogs running in their dreams...

they're not, they're drumming.

I read that.

So, anyway, you add just like a soupcon

of polyvinyl rubbing alcohol

just... just to give it a nuttier finish.

We should do a show on the ship.

Trade recipes. What do you think, dumpling?

Have we met before?

Uh, no, I don't think so. Um, Nathan Basic.

I've... I've got an aggressively generic face.

I promise I'll bring him back in one piece.

Oh, sure, be his guest. Like I was.

Oh, Frank's leaving. Hey, Frank, mind if I get in on that action?

So, I'm leaving on the shuttle.

Yeah, I am confirming it. This is me confirming it.

What's your name? Do you want to be confirmed?

Because I will fucking confirm you.

Thank you. Have a nice life, Shelly.

Let's go.

- Actually, it's automatic. - Just hit go.

Okay, it's a little more complex than that.

Go.

Smooth jazz. Rough coffee. Fieldstrip a macerator pump.

Perfect Sunday. Let me top you up.

This guy, seriously. He's so wise.

Buddy, is this true love?

Have you finally found your hair-mate?

I've found my people. Listen, brace yourself,

I'm leaving Avenue 5.

Sure. Um, can you hand me the wine? Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

Dumpling, how's your reflux?

He tends to bloat after evening meals.

I do n... Karen, my enzymes are none of your business.

Sometimes, I just wanna put him across my knee

and burp him like a baby.

Oh, Christ.

Um, listen...

you may have noticed a certain crackle in the air

between me and the captain?

Oh, no, no, I haven't noticed anything.

No, you have. It's been overpowering

and it's ruined the whole evening.

I literally haven't noticed anything.

I'd like to respectfully disagree.

Okay.

Paula, can I just tell you,

I really admire your stoicism.

'Cause you guys are all stoic as fuck.

Like... like the, uh, moccasins thing.

The way you all go along with it.

Oh, we're all very happy to oblige.

- Uh, Rav, would you like to... - Um...

Yeah, I mean, it... makes sense

with, uh, you know, cutting down the...

...wear and tear of carpets.

Uh, no, no, I don't even think it's really about the...

the... the carpeting, right?

Johanna bangs these plates together,

everyone takes their shoes off. It's, like, uh, Pavlovian.

Let's keep it light, Matt.

This is a chat, not a show trial.

Are... are you saying this isn't about the carpets?

That it's, what, some coercive control thing?

Yeah.

Shall we bring out

the thermophilic cheese cultures?

Hear that, enzymes? Red alert. Here it comes.

Yes. Okay.

Come, come, come. Come on.

Now, we're recording for primetime tonight.

It's not late night, so please don't curse

or handle the meat at waist level.

This is a great cabin, by the way.

So much better than my hovel.

Yeah, we based the design on a dream that I had

- when I was a... - Okay, and we're rolling.

On today's edition,

we have a very special guest, Mr. Nathan Basic.

There's the camera, Nathan. Yep.

And we are going to be making venison

in... a travel kettle.

What a great recipe.

Does Nathan Basic look familiar to you?

Who?

It's saying "classified."

Ooh, I love a mystery.

Have you tried, uh, putting in the passcode?

No.

So, can you tell me about the real Captain Ryan?

He's not so much a person

as a puzzle you have to crack.

He is as playful as a seal.

Shit me a houseboat.

So, Nathan, what is your basic approach to food?

Ha ha, good one!

Well, I like to use the whole carcass, Frank.

You know, nose to toes.

I mean, why... why waste all that good flesh?

Totally agree with that.

If a chicken dies of a stroke, do you toss it away?

No, you don't. You stuff it and you roast it.

So why do we treat our family any differently?

Totally agree. Wait, what?

Are we talking about people here?

Well, it's a difficult conversation.

I've been thinking, and I'd like to try

wearing my outdoor shoes in the mess hall.

Sure. Where's this coming from, please?

Uh... Ryan, quick update.

This is a space prison. Repeat, a space prison.

- What? What is... What? What? - It's black ops.

These are people considered too dangerous

to be housed on Earth.

What? Are you sure?

They have a selection of cheeses.

Mm-hmm.

Listen to me. We've been over this

a thousand fucking times, Paula.

It is a low-density pile, so sit down and shut up.

- Oh... - Oh, God.

Ryan. Ryan.

- Ryan! - Sorry, I'm just internalizing

a lot of panic and fear right now.

Yeah.

But now I've done that, and I'm back in the room.

Okay. Good. Read.

"Octuple homicide,

with an ice cream scoop."

"Wore his mother's wedding dress and her head."

Yep, yep, yep.

"Buried them under the funfair." "Stole their feet."

Swipe, there's photos. Photos.

- Oh! - Hmm.

My eyes have just shat themselves.

Oh, boy.

Well, I... I think I might, uh...

wear some of those moccasins after all.

Good idea. I will cover for you.

So...

- Uh, Karen. - Guys.

- Excuse me. - Guys.

Listen, I'm gonna tell you something now,

and it's very important that they don't know

what it is that I'm telling you. All right, so...

so when I wink...

...I need you to laugh, understood?

- Mm-hmm. - I've just been informed

that we are... get... get ready to laugh...

surrounded by... ready to laugh...

dozens of convicted psychopaths.

Wait, what? I don't get it. Was that a joke or...

No, that's... No.

Uh, you're supposed to laugh

so they don't know what I've just told you.

The guy that Frank just left with

is the Denver Cannibal. He ate 19 people.

They found 36 thumbs in his basement.

Oh, my God, Frank is petrified of cannibals.

- That's 38. - What?

- What? - Nineteen people,

that'd be 38 thumbs. You said 36.

I don't know! I can't do the fucking thumb arithmetic.

Well, he might've used the last two

as, uh, like wine stoppers.

Okay, Sally, that nice lady over there.

No, don't look. She bludgeoned her mother to death

- with her father. - She bludgeoned a parent

- with another parent? - Yes, yes.

Okay, well, at least they died in each other's arms.

And who are we to condemn the butterfly

for the crimes of the caterpillar?

Uh, Johanna killed and raped her nine beagles.

Okay, fuck that.

We need to leave.

Hold on, because she told me she groomed them.

Extraction plan.

Shoes on and then very slowly

move towards the door

without aggravating the psychopaths.

Okay, good.

- Right? Right? - Yeah.

You should see the commode.

Got more bells and whistles than a fairground.

Spike, the ship is full of murderers.

- We're fucking off. - You mean Lyle?

- Lyle's not a murderer. - What... So I chose a good one?

He's a pedophile.

I... I... I need to bathe in bleach.

Shit, they've taken our shoes so we can't get away.

I can't get the image of those little doggies out of my mind.

And there she is, standing over them

with lubricant and a brick.

Billie, Billie, shoes, shoes, come on.

Going somewhere, Captain?

We were just stoning some plums.

Oh, that sounds...

That's... Uh, yes.

But I need to use the bathroom

and it's... it's better if I use my own.

- He's very regular. - That's... You see?

- I can honestly set my watch. - All right, Karen. Just...

Thank you. So, if we could have our shoes...

Uh, mine are the old fashioned running shoes

for sentimental value.

- Sentimental value. - What?

You're just rude.

- You're a very, very rude man. - Oh, boy.

Ooh, I don't think we're getting our shoes back.

Mine were quite expensive.

Uh, don't run but... run.

Enjoy the flapjack!

You want to be careful to avoid fusing

the venison with the element.

Or take cremation. We already cook people.

Yet what do we do with that meal?

- We throw it in the bin. - I mean, I guess I can see

how you might end up eating a corpse.

Frank, sorry to interrupt your camera bit.

The guy on your show is the Denver Cannibal.

- Right... - He killed and ate

a butt ton of people. Blink twice if you understand.

That was three times, but no judgement.

Ah, look at that. Ah. Corpses. Yes.

And so we just pop it in. Turn the kettle on. Bang!

Venison à la kettle. Butt ton.

Good night, everybody. Thank you.

Uh, please, Mr. Judd, if you could walk our guest out.

- What? - Thank you.

All right. Uh, that door, the only one you can go out.

- Follow all the J's. - I'll... I'll figure it out.

But think about it. You've got a chance to be

on the right side of history here.

Oh, my God. Okay. We... We have to delete everything

that has to do with that. Everything.

- Utterly horrible. - Oh, my... I feel sick.

They have ruined people for me.

Yeah, let's not do people ever, ever again.

Sure. But all in all, good visit?

Lovely location. Shame about the gore-mongers.

But, yeah, zero out of ten, could not recommend.

Unless, guys,

I mean, the eel tank still needs to be fixed

and there is Spike's friend...

If anything, he was a friend of a friend.

Billie, are you suggesting

that we allow a pedophile on board ship

- to fix our eel tank? - No!

That, of course, is madness.

- Brackets, is it, though? - Yes.

Brackets, fuck yes.

Okay, I'm sorry to always be the corporate stiff,

but I cannot allow a sexual predator

to roam free among vacationing families.

I'm a libertarian, but there's a line.

Okay, so we don't let them roam freely.

We engineer like a hamster run

from the airlock, directly to the eel tank.

What if the predator punctures this hamster run?

You know, he could have a blade concealed in his mud pipe.

- Then we're leaking pedo. - Very good point.

A ball!

A ball!

We put the sexual predator inside of an inflatable ball.

And then put the ball inside the tube.

Now you're crushing it.

A pipe and a ball! You're essentially creating

a theme park attraction for a pervert.

Okay, look, we all have qualms about this,

but we can't eat qualms. We need the eels.

Great! Death or pedo? Sounds like fun.

Obviously, I do not want this on my record,

but release the pedophile.

- Hamster's on the move. - Copy that.

All right, Mads, unzip the nonce-o-sphere.

I mean, I imagined it would be bigger

and filled with straw

and I would've put him on a leash, but it's good.

Thank you.

I have done what a judge would not,

I freed the pedo.

All right, sir. We want you to commence

mending the eel tanks.

We're gonna stand back here offering encouraging comments

without in any way condoning your prior actions.

I'm done with judging.

Vacationing families, atmosphere of dread,

predator with good teeth. It's like psychosexual Jaws.

We'll laugh about this one day,

as we're being led away to our deaths by lethal injection.

Can I just say, I find this whole thing

morally revolting.

And yet you brought snacks.

Can I get a glass of water, please?

The nonce is requesting liquids.

No! We should not be hydrating a fiddle-man.

Shall I tell him to drink his own tainted piss?

I guess we can get him room service,

but he's gonna have to pay.

Oh, my gosh.

We're back online. He did it.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

No, no, no, no. No! He... No. He actually isn't.

- Sorry. - Thank you, sir.

- A qualified thanks. - Mm-hmm.

Now, back in your ball.

You said I could come live with you if I fixed the tank.

Come on, that was obviously a lie.

- You promised. - Promises are for suckers.

- Sucker! - Okay, then,

how about you suck on this?

Oh, no, no, no. Listen!

- Lyle! - Lyle, Lyle! Lyle! Lyle!

We can definitely come to some sort...

Oh, look, your water.

All the way. All the way. All the way.

That's why you gotta put him on a leash!

Zip him up. Zip him up.

Get the pump! Get the pump!

I have it.

- Mads! Inflate the deviant. - Ow! Ow!

Thank you for your service, we'll remember you complexly.

It's okay, dumpling, I'm right here. It's okay.

I don't wanna go back!

Strangle him!

Where's the leg? Where's the thumb?

Okay, get him out of here.

- Go on, get out of here. - Get out of here.

- I'll be good! - Come on, Mads!

It looks so funny.

Try to get the hammer in his head!

- It's time to go. - Ow! You motherfucking kicked me.

Come on, let him have it. Let him have it.

God, stop!

I did this! This was my idea.

I hope you get eaten!

Thank you for fixing the tank.

Captain, please, if I can just explain.

Hey, Johanna! Fuck you!

And fuck your moccasins!

I'm a good person. I can love. Don't forget your baking tray.

Fuck you!

It's good that you're talking this out.

Wow.

Boy, I'd hate to be a fly on that wall.

The only man capable of fixing the eel tank

is carrying a dangerous disease.

Okay, so we use the pipe to get him from the airlock.

- And what if he escapes? - Hang on!

Wait for it.

What if we put him inside a big plastic ball?

I totally agree.

Fuck, yeah!

- Hologram tech, baby. - This is a game changer.

Seriously, I don't even recognize the game.

Decisions!

God, it feels good to finally get one right.

Ryan, the ship's smart sensor is showing we have a stowaway.

- A what? - Frank's cannibal

is still on board.

Oh, take me to hell and toast my tits.

Now, this is a teachable moment.

You were so focused on the pedo,

you forgot all about the cannibal.

Tale as old as time.

So, I bring tools for the eel tank.

What I miss?

Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com