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INDISTINCT CHATTER

(FAKE POSH) Oh, hello!

Hello. Are you er... Hannah?

It's Hann-arh, actually.

Oh, right.
- And this is "Clarh".

Oh. I'm Annie.

Oh! Do come in, "Annyah".

Thank you.
- All right?

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

(COCKNEY) I've just given Charlie
his dinner - sorry!

This is Charlie

and I'm Charlie's aunt.
As in, "Aunt I, Charlie?"

You behave yourself.

Bloody hell, she's on drugs!

It's for me asthma.
- (GASPS) Oh, right!

D'you mind if I smoke?
- No.

It's a bit kamikaze, innit? Ha!

What course are you on?

Psychology.
- Bloody hell! I better get out my cap!

Psychoanalysis hardly comes into it at all.
- Oh, really?

Psychology's actually the scientific study
of human behaviour.

That's all right, then, cos I'm
a (CAGNEY IMPRESSION) dirty rat!

You could study her.

So you both do English then.

Yeah.
- "To be or not to be."

"That is the question."
- A very good one.

I know what you mean. Yeah.

This is my favourite band, The Cure.

Oh! It's hers as well.
- Really?

No.

So, what do you think
of the old place?

Nice, yeah. £30 a week inclusive.

But I'm a bit worried cos what does
"must have GSOH" mean?

Cos I don't know if I've got one, you see.

Oh, right. Er, that just means...
"good sense of housekeeping" dunnit?

Oh, right, well, I have to dust a lot
cos of me allergies so...

It means "good sense of humour".

(COUGHS) An analogy to dust.
What could that be?

Er... God's dandruff, maybe.

Is that eczema?

No. It's dermatitis.

Better than determinitis,
which is what I've got. Let's face it.

Did you walk?

No, I got a taxi.

Hello!

Hello.
- All right.

Go on then, Annie,
make yourself at home.

HANNAH:
Pervert!

She's been to see her mum.

Oh, right.

Never! Never! Fucking bitch!

Never fucking going there again.
That's it!

(LAUGHS)

Hiya!

Hello.

You look so smart.

Speak for yourself.

Oh, yeah!
- No, you do. Let me take this.

No, it's all right.
It's really heavy.

This is for you. It's... nothing.

You shouldn't have bothered.
Let me take it.

Oh, all right then.

Did you get a cup of tea?

Yeah, and a sarnie. It's only
a one and a half hour journey.

It's not much. It's for your flat.

You didn't need to.
- It's only last-minute from Doncaster.

The car's not far, so...

Is it on a meter?

No, it's in the car park.
- Oh.

Oh, it feels strange, this.

Yeah, it does, doesn't it?

No, no, I mean London.

Oh, I see. Has it changed much?

I don't know.

It has and it hasn't.
D'you know what I mean?

Yeah, I think so.

It all looks the same but...

it feels different.

BEEPS
- Stupid tosser!

I tell you what is strange though.
- What?

Seein' you drivin'.

It's a company car.

Lucky you.
I've got to drive me own jalopy.

Get one when you're promoted,
won't you?

Hope not to be there much longer.

Have you read this?
Withering Heights by Emily "Bront-eh".

Yeah, it's great. Her house is near mine.

Is it?
- Yeah, I've been there.

Have you?
- Yeah. Yorkshire.

Oh, right.

I've got a question.
- Come on, then.

Ms Bronte, Ms Bronte...

who will I have sex with next?

Shzswizzz, shzwizzz...

It's a bit like I Ching, in't it?

Except you don't have to scratch it.

"Himself before...

"Erecting himself before..."

Yes!
- Yes! You'll be all right then, won't ya?

It's your turn.
- Let her have a go.

No.
- Go on!

Come on. Ask Emily your question.

OK. Will I find a fella soon?

You gotta say Ms Bronte twice.

Sorry. Miss Bronte...

"Mzzz" Bronte. "Mzzz" Bronte.

OK. Er... Ms Bronte, Ms Bronte,
will I...

erm... will I find a fella soon?

Swhsssswwwooo, swshsssswooo!

Wait for it.

"Must come"! Well!
- Oooh!

Least he'll know what to do
with his index finger, won't he?

So, d'you need special soap
for your...?

Yeah, sometimes. Yeah.

Is it catching?
- No.

Cos you do look like you've done
the tango with a cheese grater.

If ya don't mind my saying so.

# Do-do do-do, do-do do-do

S'cuse me! (SNIFFS)

KNOCK
- Yeah!

HANNAH: Are you all right?
- (UNNATURALLY HIGH) Yeah.

I was only pissing about.

I know, I know.

You gotta laugh, though, in't ya?

Yeah, I'm fine, thanks. Really.

I'll see you in a minute then.

Yeah.

(SOBS)

What lovely houses.

Yeah, it's a nice quiet street, isn't it?

Yeah.

Ah! Here we are.

I'm right at the top.

Oh, what a lovely little garden.

Yeah, that's the people downstairs.

(PANTS) Oh, I'm puffed out.
I'm really unfit.

Here we are. Home sweet home.

Welcome to my humble abode
and other domestic cliches.

It's lovely. It's so bright
and cheery! I like the yellow.

It's still my favourite colour.

I painted it when I moved in.
- Primrose.

Looks like piss. I've gone off it.

Right. Let's put the kettle on.

Oh, what a gorgeous view!

Real surprise.
Good morning, Mr Magpie.

Sorry, I'm so superstitious.

You're allowed to be.
- It's daft, I know.

Oh, a fax machine!

Yeah, I need it for work.

You've got everything.

I wouldn't say that.

Now, what would you like?
I've got ordinary tea, herbal teas,

or there's a filter coffee.

I'd like a coffee. D'you mind?

Not at all. I'm having one.

What a great settee - is this from Habitat?

No, it's my sister's cast-off.
It's a sofa bed.

Oh, is it?

You sit down. I'll take this.
I'll open it later.

Is this where I'm sleeping?

No, I'll sleep there.
You're sleeping in my boudoir.

Follow me.

Oh, you've got a skylight!

Yeah. Bit noisy when it rains.

Good for the stars at night.
Romantic.

I've put clean sheets on the bed,
there's a fresh towel.

Why can't I sleep in there?

That mattress is even lower than this one,
believe it or not

and I remember what you're like
with your allergies

so I thought you'd be better off in here.

As long as I'm not on the floor,
I don't mind.

Whatever, anyway. There's the bathroom
if you wanna crap

and I'm gonna make the coffee.

(MUMBLING) Dunno why we don't
get a coffin, put everything in that.

I can't hear ya!

I said, I don't know why
we don't get a coffin

and put everything in that!

Hurry up. I'm cold.

All right!
I'm going as fast as I can.

Fuck do you think I am?
Speedy Gonzales?

ANNIE:
Me arms are wrecked.

HANNAH:
Mine. Mine. Mine.

Mine. Yours. Mine.

Mine. D'you want this?
- Yeah, I do.

Thought so cos I fucking well don't.

"Introducing Semiotics"! Mine!

Mine. Ooh, look! Wuthering Heights.
Why don't you ask Ms Bronte

to inform you what the rest
of your entire life will consist of?

I don't want to.
- Go on!

No.
- I insist.

No!
- You don't want to?

Interesting, cos neither do I!

Er, what will we do with these?
There's only five.

Chop that one in half.

Tell you what, you take three
and I'll take two.

HANNAH:
I know, you have three and I'll have two

and you give this one to your mum.

What about your mum?

My mum would probably smash it
in a drunken stupor, wouldn't she?

This is great, Hannah. You're so lucky.

I'm thinking of moving, actually.

But why? It's perfect.

I want to buy somewhere.
- Really?

Yeah.
- Why?

I think it's a waste of money forking out
for rent when a mortgage is cheaper.

But it's such a big jump, you know.

It's not very secure being a tenant.

You're so brave.
I couldn't buy on me own.

I couldn't buy with anyone else.

I want to get somewhere with someone.
- Really? Who?

No, no. Well, you know,
you never know.

My luck might change.
I might meet somebody.

I've got some money saved up.

I should spend it if I was you.
I'm no good at saving, myself.

Oh! You still use them.
- What?

The cups.
- Yeah, I've had these for years.

I don't. I've got cacti in mine.
In my bedroom.

Remember when we bought them?

No.
- At the market. You had cystitis.

Oh, that's right!
You got two and I got two.

No. You got two and I got three.

That's not very fair, is it?

Still ventilating?
- Yeah.

Do you drink milk these days or...?

No, thanks.

OK.

Help yourself to sugar.
- Thanks.

Go on then. I'm on my holidays!

Might as well.
- Live dangerously.

Skin's looking good, anyway.

Yeah, it's cleared up, finally.

I'm afraid I still smoke.
D'you mind?

Oh. Haven't got an ash tray.

Doesn't matter.

Wait a minute. Let's think.

I know. You can use this.

There you go.

Same old contradiction.

How's work?

It's been a nightmare today.

Oh?
- Yeah.

Basically, I've inherited a problem
from my predecessor.

He was my ex-boss.
I warned him before he left.

Of course, he wasn't having any of it.

So he's gone on to greener pastures
and I'm left holding the baby.

What's the problem?

Well, he ordered this whole
spring range from a firm.

They didn't deliver by the deadline.

So I threatened not to pay them and
they're giving me hassle and shit.

Is it envelopes?

No, a whole range of stationary.

Problems, eh? I've got them too.
I want to change my job.

Do you?
- Yeah, you see...

I went into personnel management
cos it's dealing with people.

But I've ended up with this job,
sort of like

I spend 90% of my time
shifting paper round a desk.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not the same since Patsy left.
- Who's that?

She was one of the senior
secretaries. She was a real laugh.

She retired last year.

Can you excuse me a moment? Sorry.

I've just remembered something.

Look at you in your specs!

Yeah, I only use them
for reading and writing.

You look so mature.

Not too mature I hope.

I haven't opened your present,
have I?

No.

Nice paper.

Oh!

That's useful, actually.

It's great. Thanks a lot...

It goes with the room.
- It's really lovely actually.

I must buy you some flowers for it.

Thanks.

We don't have to tell her.
- No, no.

Mum's the word.

Only upset her anyway.

Yeah. Right. Deal, yeah.

I've had enough of her.
- Know what you mean, yeah.

If we look for a flat now, we could
get hold of one of the third years.

What do you reckon?
- Well, I'm not sure

what I'm doing next year.
- What d'you mean?

I might "vant to be alone"!

You wanna live on your own?!

Change is as good as a rest,
and other duck-billed platitudes.

That's great for me!

I'm sorry if "my life"
isn't convenient for you.

What's Annie doing next year?

I dunno.

If we start looking now

we should find a place for the two of us.
Yeah?

I don't know if I can afford it.

Smaller than this.
- I want to go home for the summer.

I don't want to think about it.

Hannah's not interested.
She wants to live by herself.

Really?
- Yeah.

I see.

Can't believe it. £260,000!

Do people actually pay that sort
of money for a two-bedroom flat?

Apparently so.

It's a joke.

I certainly couldn't afford it.

If I could, I wouldn't want it.
I'm just being nosey really.

Seeing how the other half lives.

I thought it might be fun for you as well.

Better than traipsing round
Buckingham Palace or the Tower of London.

You can go to the pictures any time
you like in Wakefield.

Oh, yeah, it'll be a giggle.

We'll have to look like
we can spend that sort of money.

That'll be entertaining.
- I couldn't!

I'll look like the poor relation.

You'll be all right.
You can be my financial advisor.

What if I say the wrong thing?

I'll have to buy it, let's face it!

I hope you like this restaurant
I've booked tomorrow night.

It's a bit unusual.
You still eat Chinese, don't you?

I eat anything, me!
Except mushrooms and peanuts.

Oh, shame!
I just made mushroom and peanut pie.

Joke.

Still read a lot?

Yeah, quite a lot,

especially when I'm travelling.

I don't. Not half as much as I used to.

Oh, where d'you get this from?
It's so dinky!

You can have it if you like.

I couldn't.
- It's only a free sample.

I get lots of them.

This is a good one.

Looks like paper, feels like
leather and it's made of plastic.

Put all your secrets in there.
Have the bigger version too.

This is too much.

Don't be silly. What about a folder?
There you go.

Thank you.

We're in Yates' wine lodge in Wakefield.
He was already half pissed.

He'd been there since work
with his friends.

Anyway, I stupidly chose this moment

to tell him I didn't want
to go out with him anymore.

You know what he said?
- No.

He said I'd got the hump with him
because once he had said to me

he didn't ever want to get married.
Does that make sense to you?

No.
- Here I am, you know

trying to end it with this guy

and he's telling me
that I want to marry him.

And I really didn't. I didn't.

He sounds like a dickhead to me.

Well, he is a dickhead.

How long were you with him?
- A year and a half.

I don't know how you put up with it.

I left him, didn't I?

He wouldn't have lasted a weekend
with me. That's my problem.

None of 'em do. I just can't hack it.

Serves me right for getting involved
with a bloody drunk.

Yeah, know what you mean. I've just been
involved with one of them.

Oh.

Oh, I don't know.

Where are you supposed
to meet a man at 30?

Did you leave your Zimmer frame
on the train?

Thank you very much. It was lovely.

D'you want some more?
- Oh, no, no, I couldn't.

So how is Thelma these days?

Oh, still the model of maternity,
my mother.

Swigging two bottles of gin a day and
puking up my Sunday lunches every week.

Oh, dear.

She's in a right strop at the moment,
actually.

Why's that?

Stupidly I told her you were coming down
for the weekend

and she's insisting I bring you round.

Let's go. I'd be happy to.

No, thank you.

I wouldn't wish her on my worst enemy,
let alone my oldest friend.

Wouldn't mind a weekend off anyway.
She sends her love.

That's nice. Will you send her mine?

Mm.

So how's Cathy these days?
Still making her own bread?

Yeah, she's great, yeah.

Fantastic, that bread.

She fancies someone at work.
- Does she?

Mm. A newcomer.

Doesn't work in the Housing department.
- Oh.

It's funny seeing her dress up
to go in every day.

I wish she'd meet someone.

Cos she's been on her own
for such a long time.

Last time my mother had a lover
I had to call the police.

Did you?
- Derek.

Tried to break in at 3am.
Didn't last very long.

It's strange, if she does start going out
with this fella, I'm worried I...

I'll be really jealous.

Jealous of the bloke, or of your
mother cos she's got a boyfriend?

No, no. Neither.
It's... well, it's hard to explain.

It's, um... I'm scared I might...

lose a part of her.
Oh, I know it sounds silly but...

You're more like sisters, you two,
aren't you?

I suppose so. That's the main reason
I've got to leave home again.

Like, I just depend too much on me mum.

My mum depends too much on me.

I need me independence. Cos I've
never really had it. Not like you.

You've got your independence with all this.
I really admire that.

I never had a choice, did I?

I had independence rammed
down my throat since I can remember.

I wouldn't call looking after your alcoholic
mother all your life independent.

You know what I mean?

Come on, let's get pissed.

Why not?

All right?
- Great. It's a real comfy bed, this.

I know.
- You all right on the sofa?

Yeah, I always sleep in there
if I'm ill, watch the telly.

Oh, do you?
- Yeah.

Thanks for the dinner tonight.

That's all right.
I'm not much of a chef, as you know.

Just a shame there isn't time for me
to cook you a meal.

Maybe next time. Whatever.

I used to like your cooking actually.

I'll do you a pasta for old time's sake.

Living in the pasta.

Bonsoir. Salty dreams.

Night-night.

Give us a shout if you want anything.
- Mm-hm.

(HUMS)

(MUMBLES)

(LAUGHS)

What?!
- What are you wearing?

What does it look like?

You look like Snoopy
dressed as the Red Baron.

I can't help it if they make me cry.

Here, d'you want a snorkel?

Don't!

(LAUGHS) Only joking, right.
I'll do it.

No, it's all right.

No, I'll chop the onion
and you open the tin, right?

All right.

Don't make me cry. Look.

It's all right for you. You don't suffer
from allergies like I do.

I can't cry. I haven't cried
since I was nine years old, actually.

Is that true?
- Yeah.

I've been crying ever since
I can remember.

Since I were eight, I don't remember
anything before that.

Really? Why's that?

I don't know. It's one big blank.

My mum and dad split up
when I was eight.

Really?

Yeah.
- So did mine.

What, when you were eight?

Yeah! My dad walked out on us
when I were eight.

My dad ran off with another woman.

So did mine.

Coincidence, ey?

Synchronicity.

What is synchronicity
and what's, like, coincidence?

Jung says synchronicity is when two
different things happen at the same time,

you know, like one's being a normal state,
the other, like a psychic one.

Know what I mean?
- Kitchen synchronicity.

All right?
- Hello.

Good evening.

What's for tea?

Spaghetti with tuna.

I hate tuna!

Well, you don't have to eat it.

I told you I don't like the smell of fish.

Sorry.
- Don't have a go at her!

She can cook what she likes!

It's all right for her.
Her room isn't next to the kitchen.

Do you want a fight?

Don't be childish.
- Kojak!

Shut up!

DOOR SLAMS
- Swivel!

Bloody cheek.

I feel really bad now.

Well, don't.

We like tuna, right?

(SNIFFS)

MAN:...with the publication of
"Beyond the Pleasure Principle" in 1920

Freud enlarged
his first theory of dreams

to cover the recurrent nightmares
of shellshocked soldiers in WW1.

DOOR OPENS

What we would refer to today
as post-traumatic stress disorder.

Just move a sec...

Here, the dreams
show the compulsion to repeat

and by doing so,
to try to master actively

what was done to the person
as a passive agent.

'Of trauma and in an outline of
psychoanalysis...'

I can get me video.

How much is this worth?

If I give you a fiver,
will you give me one pound?

Is this it?

I'm sorry.

Is it broke?

No, it's all right.

C-Careful with them, they're deleted.
Er, my finger.

Phew.

Erm...
- Right, that's it, then.

Ricky, that's everything.

I was just having a...
(MUMBLES)

Ricky, the bathroom is there on the left.

Narrow, these stairs, aren't they?

HANNAH:
We seem to manage.

ANNIE:
I know what you mean.

Right, let's see.

OK.
- (STUTTERS)

So, what do you think, then?
Cosy, innit?

Erm, I-I don't like the brown.

What brown?
- Walls are brown.

The wallpaper, er...

It's not brown, it's maroon.
We're marooned!

It's er, brown. Er...

The carpet's brown and the lino is...

Maybe if you painted it all, er, white,
it might help,

raise your... spirits.

Think so, Ricky?

Reckon you'll be all right
sleeping on that thing?

Er, might be a bit small...

but, er....

It's all relative.

Put the cushions on the floor
and sleep here.

Oomph. Er, like wooden ribs sticking...
There's one sticking right up us now.

Well, don't brag about it,
we'll all wanna sit there.

Er, me bum wouldn't be here
when I was sleeping.

Instead of a bum, which is what I am.

Well, it will have to do.
Until you find somewhere else.

Yeah.
- Er...

What a bastard, your landlord.

Yeah, I was gonna smack him one,
but, erm...

Er...
- (GIGGLES)

No, see, everybody's got,
like, different... traits.

That's right, yeah.

You've got your cardinal traits.

Central and secondary...
- I'm having one explanation.

I don't need two, I'm not stupid,
thank you very much!

No, there's three different groups of er...

Traits.
- Yeah.

Er, what do you think your cardinal...?

My cardinal trait is, what do you think
about Margaret Thatcher?

Do you think she'll be assassinated
or carry on ad nauseum into the next century?

How do you both feel about that?

I don't know.

That's right, Annie, and you don't care,
let's face it!

See er, Abraham Lincoln's
cardinal trait was honesty.

Yeah, look what happened to him!

Why don't you wanna, er, talk about
your cardinal...?

My cardinal trait, by Hannah Mills.

My cardinal trait is,

generosity.

That's true. She's a kind person.

My friend concurs,
which is very big of her.

I must say.
- That's, like, your main driving...

That's right. And do you happen to
have a cardinal trait by any chance?

Er, um...

See, Annie, I think your cardinal...

Never mind her, I'm talking to you, monsieur!

Er...

Mmm, er... honesty.

I tell it like it...

That's a porky pie,
Mr Ricky Richard... what's your surname?

Burton.
- Richard Burton. Didn't I tell you?

No.
- Yeah, it's erm...

You're joking?
- No, really.

I don't look like him or anything.

You can say that again.

Me mum used to fancy him when...

He was lovely.

Let's hope you don't end up like him.

So, erm... what do you think
your cardinal trait is, then, Annie?

Well, I don't know.
I don't know if I've...

See, er,
I think you should look up more.

You always seem stressed and that.

Like, your behaviour might be
a cause of your scabby skin.

Excuse me! Do you think your ample form
is anything to do with the fact

you stuff your face or
are you just not getting enough sex? Maybe?

I, er... I, er...

It's like your dream, isn't it?

What dream?

Erm, she has this dream about this
big dark fellow in her bedroom.

Yeah, I know.
- Dark figure.

With a stick.

We had to describe our dreams
in a seminar last term.

How very honest of you.

It's interesting...
- I don't want to talk about this.

If you wanna see a therapist...

Excuse me. She said she didn't wanna
talk about it, so shut up!

You're very aggressive.

So?

That might come from insecurity.

Well, we're all insecure, aren't we?

No, we're all, er, like...

What - swimming?

No, we're all, like,
the centre of our own... attention.

Better than being in a detention
centre, where I could've ended up.

It's like, coming forward.

Better than being backward, innit!

Maybe if you tried and listened...

I've listened to your half-baked
psychobabble all fucking evening!

I resent being analysed

by two polytechnic, second-year
psychology students - thank you!

She's, er... not very happy.

Er... she's got,
like a type A personality,

like she might have
a heart attack or something.

Er, do you fancy er...?

No, no, I don't, sorry.

Er, I think I'll er...

You'll have to knock,
but not too loud, OK?

I'll have er, chips and curry sauce.

Put a lot of curry sauce, cos last
time you didn't... put enough on.

HANNAH:
Sometimes I get the devil in me.

(WEEPS) No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

I've never seen you like that before.

Sorry.

I was scared. Ricky's so tactless.

You can say that again.

You know, it's a real private thing
to me, that dream.

I know what it means.

Do you?

I think so.

I wish I did.

I just didn't like being
psychoanalysed, that's all.

(TEARFULLY) Yeah.
Typical psychology students, ey?

I quite like him.
He's sussed isn't he?

Yeah, he's all right.

He fancies you.

What?
- Yes, he does.

Don't be so daft.

(IMITATES ROBERT DE NIRO)
You talkin' to me?

(SIGHS)

(SNORES)

DOOR UNLOCKS

(Oi, fatso.)

(Sorry.)

(SNORES)

# Visiting time is over

Er, er... dancers...

Yeah, what about you?

Right, then....

Come on, up.

I can't.

Yeah, come on.
I wanna see you dancing.

Yes, go on!

I don't...

Don't what?

Come on, I'm fucking pissed!

Looks like he's been in
the wrong wash thing.

# Like a Japanese baby

Yeah.

That's it! He's mental now!

Watch out!

I'm not as good as it as you are.

Going all right, look.

Yeah, fine!
Just keep doing that, yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Whoooo!

You're doing well, aren't you?

Whooooo!

Whooooo! I did like that!

Yeah!

Right, I'm going to bed now.

What, already?

Yeah. Good night.

(STUTTERS)

(GIGGLES)

OK.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Ms Bronte, Ms Bronte,
will I have a fuck soon?

Er... er... er...

Go on, and close your eyes.

Er... it says, er... death.

Oh, great, bloody great.

That's er, symbolic.

It symbolises the bloody death
of my sex life. You have a go.

Er, Miss Bronte...

"Mzzz" Bronte, "Mzzz" Bronte. Ms!

You know, like multiple sclerosis.

Er, Miss Bronte... will I...

Will you what?

Er...

Er, er... er... get a fuck?

Oh, right, same question, OK.

Right, let's see.

Oh, Ricky,

it's a blank page.

Er, er, er...

Oh, sorry.

Er, there's nothing in the rules
or...

Oh, fuck, it obviously doesn't work
when you're pissed.

Your receptor sights must be...

Oh, Oh, Ricky, I feel so dizzy!

I, er...

Oh, I'm gonna have to go to bed.

I'll er... erm... like you.

Oh, well, I like you too, you know.
We're mates you and I, aren't we?

I... erm... er...

Er... I fa.... I fancy you.

Er...

Er... Io... Love you, like.

(SIGHS) Oh, fuck, Ricky.

Er...

I don't er...

I'm sorry, I er...

I think you're lovely, you're
really smashing, but er... Well...

Er...

Well... you see,
I've got this problem, er...

Well, it's simple really,
it's just that er...

Er...

Wha... er...

I'm in love.

Er... er...

With someone else.

Erm, er... er... I fancy some
curry and chips from downstairs.

They won't be open downstairs.

I'll get you some
sweet and sour chicken... er, balls.

But it's 25 to seven
on a Sunday morning. Ricky!

Are you sure you don't fancy him?

No, I don't.

But you like him a lot?

Yeah, he's lovely.

Why don't you fancy him?

Well, you know, he's a bit plump.

Ahh, so it's the way he looks, then?

What do you think?

I think that's rich coming from you.

What do you mean?

You always go on about how men don't
find you attractive cos of your...

I'm not attractive, am I?

I think you're attractive.

You're not a fellow.
- True.

(SIGHS) I think I'll go back to bed.

He's gonna be tired
when he gets back, isn't he?

Hope he's all right.

Oh yeah. He probably just jumped off
Waterloo Bridge.

Do you mind?!
- All right! Only joking.

I'm sure he's hunky dory.

Hiya.

Thanks.
- Ta.

I feel so guilty.

We can't hang onto his stuff forever.

Not the first time it's happened to him.
- You just don't give a fuck?

Probably gone home to his nan's.

Shall I try and get his address
off a registrar at college?

What d'you think?
- Yeah.

We can write him a letter.
See if he's OK.

Good thinking, Watson.

It's elementary.

He said first left.

Nah, it's this one.

Oh, yeah.

SEAGULLS CRY

Don't forget. If he's not there,
we'll say we're passing through.

Yeah. We don't want to frighten his nan.

That's right.

Is it this one?

That's er, number five.
Oh, no, it's this one.

There's no bell. Well, come over here,
don't leave it all to me.

Yes?
- Hello.

Hello. Er... does Ricky live here?

Uh-huh. Why?

We're friends of his.

Yeah, we're just passing through.

Oh.

Is he in?

He's not in any trouble, is he?

No, nothing like that,
we're at college with him.

Oh, from London?

BOTH: Yeah.

Oh.

He's gone out.

Oh.

Do you know when he's getting back?

No, not really.

How is he?
- He's fine.

Do you know where he is at all?

Might be along the front, like.

Shall we go and look for him?
- Yeah.

Could you tell him that
Annie and Hannah called?

Right.

OK, thanks a lot, then. Bye.

Bye.

"Yeah? Oh, hello, didn't recognise
you with clothes on."

Excuse me?! Is that Mr Evans?

"Ey?"

We were supposed to be here
at two o'clock.

"It's Claudine, isn't it?"

Claudine?
- "Has Mandy put you up to this?"

Who?

"I've heard about you.
Who's your friend?"

Right.
I think we're talking at cross-purposes.

We were supposed to be here at 2pm
to view the flat, yeah?

Gerry Wall said he'd spoken to you.

"No, it's bollocks."

Didn't he phone you, then?

"He told me tomorrow."

No, he said today.
- Bloody waste of time, this.

"Er..."

Look, just forget it.

"No, I tell you what, darling,
come up."

Right, "darling", where shall we come?

"Eighth floor, turn right."

What do you think?
- BUZZER

Well, yeah.

Is it this way?

No, the lifts are over here.
- Like a bloody hotel, innit?

Come on, it's great.

I can't.

You won't fall out.
- It doesn't make any difference!

Don't know what you're missing.
- I don't care.

The reason it slopes is
so that when the chickens lay eggs,

the eggs can roll to the bottom.

It's a giant omelette factory.

Oh, thank God for that.

Are you all right?

Now I am.
- It's this way, isn't it?

No, I think it's to the right.

Hello?

Hello.

All right? Come in, girls.

Look, if this is inconvenient...

No, I was just brushing my teeth.
Come in, come in.

Go on, straight up.

Hello.
- All right?

You've got an upstairs.

Yeah, it's a split-level.
600 square feet each floor.

This must be the "original artwork"
Gerri told me about.

ANNIE:
Lady Godiva.

Nah, that's my ex-girlfriend, that.

At least you have to look up to her.

Hang on a sec.

Fancy a cup of tea?

No, thanks. We can't stay long.

No, that's right.

How about beer?

No, thank you.

Glass of wine?
- No, thanks.

I'll open a bottle. Come on.

Er... is that a microwave?

Microwave, oven, hob.

So, you are off the breast, then?

Feel free to look around.

Oh, my God. Look at this.

Oh, a hammock.

Yeah, yeah. Fancy a swing?

No, I'd be sick.

On a clear day, you could see
the class struggle from here.

On a clear day, you can see forever.

It's like a porthole.
- Yeah.

It's a ship effect. Smoke?

Er, no, thanks.

Snout?

What is through the round window?

Blinding view.
That's, er... Tower Bridge.

Just left of the crane is Big Ben,
and over there, the City.

So what's your name, then?

Rumpelstiltskin.

I like your telescope.

Ooh, thank you very much.

Good for bird-watching.

Is it safe to go out here?
- Course.

Are you going to buy it, then?

Oh, yeah. Definitely.

With him thrown in?

Yeah. Thrown in the Thames.

Oh, no.

D'you want the lav, love?

ANNIE:
No, I'm fine.

She's got a touch of the Hitchcocks.

You what?

Is that your boat?
- No.

What are the neighbours like?
- Dunno.

That's cosy, then, innit?

Come look at this.

Canary Wharf.

HANNAH: It's a shame
they couldn't afford an architect.

So how long have you lived here?

Four years.
- Really? Why are you getting out?

Fancy doing a bit of travelling.

What, with the Gypsies?

Nah, get a motorbike, do Africa,
balloon across the Andes.

Up the Amazon kinda thing.

What do you do?

What, crane driver?

Nah, futures.

Oh.

What you doing later on?

Nothing that involves you,
that's for sure.

Who's the little girl?

That's my daughter, Tuesday.

She was born on a bloody Saturday
but her mother's bonkers.

She's really cute.
- I never see her. What do you two do?

Oh, I'm a pathologist and
she's a plastic surgeon, actually.

Oh. That's handy.

(COUGHS) Fancy a whiff of spliff?

No, thanks.
- We don't indulge.

Do you get a lot of dry rot up here?

(SNIFFS) No.

What about rising damp?

100 feet up? Leave it out.

Could be high-rising damp.

No, it's double-glazed.
- Oh, really?

Yep.

Sure?

Nah.
- Positive.

Have many people viewed it yet?

Gerry's got the keys.
What's his name, fucking plonker.

He was supposed to take people round
last week.

Dunno what he's playing at.

So are you sticking
at your asking price?

This is my point, see?

I reckon we could have
a little coup on the go.

What d'you mean?

Well... axe the parasite.

Who? Gerry?
- Yeah. Don't have to know about it.

I'll bring down the asking price,
bosh, you're sorted.

Sounds brilliant.

How much will you come down by?

What are you in the market for?

You got a couple of bedrooms here?

Yeah.
- Where'd you keep them, then?

Downstairs. D'you want to see 'em?

Can't wait.

Come on down.

Fancy a cognac?

HANNAH:
No, thank you.

ANNIE:
No, she's driving. Aren't you?

That's right.

This is the master.

I see you've been looking through
your family album.

Mm. Yeah. Yeah.

That's my sister, that,
God bless 'er.

(INHALES AND EXHALES JERKILY)

(SNIFFS) En suite bathroom.

Power shower... lot of storage space
in here, obviously.

OK, thanks very much.
- Yeah.

Got to go.
We've got another appointment.

Yeah, we have.

You two looking for a place together?

No. I'm the one who's buying.

Oh right. I thought you was geezer birds.

You wish.
- No, we're not.

Don't mind or anything.

Thanks very much!

Love the life you live and live
the life you love. Here's my study.

OK, see you. Thanks very much.

Hang on,
you haven't seen the other loos.

No, it's OK.
- One... two. Bath as well.

Never use 'em.
This is the second bedroom.

Yeah, all right. Thanks a lot. Bye!

Where you going? Haven't started yet!

No, it's OK!

Hang on!
- Sorry! Bye!

C'mon, let's go.

(LAUGHING) What a bloody nightmare!

I wanted to use the loo as well.

What a tosser!
- That flat's gross.

Don't be rude about my future home.

Beg your pardon.

Fancy a glass of champagne?

No, thanks.
- DOOR SLAMS

Fuck!

(BOTH SHRIEK WITH LAUGHTER)

C'mon, quick! Press the button!

Listen, why don't we go downstairs,
I'll show you round the pool,

come back up, we drink this, yeah?

No, thank you.

You got a problem?
What the fuck's the matter with you?

Bye!

You got a problem?
You got a fuckin' problem! Slags!

(BOTH SHRIEK WITH LAUGHTER)

(BOTH BELLY-LAUGH)

I just don't believe that.

What an idiot!

He was coked out his head, though.
Wasn't he?

Was he?
- Yeah, course he was.

How can you tell?

Oh, bloody hell, you Wakefield girls,
you're half asleep, in't ya?

I'm so naive.

When are you moving back to London?

Oh, well, I don't know.

Oh, dear.

(CHUCKLES)
- Now.

This next flat we'll look at, we're actually
meeting the estate agent. Lance.

He sounds like a gentleman.
I've spoken to him on the phone.

Oh! Sir Lancelot!

Gonna be a bit late, actually.

Oh, it's quite nice, isn't it?

Yeah. I love these old London houses
with steps.

Oh, no! Another camera!

(BOTH LAUGH)

You can be Claudine this time.

ENTRY BUZZER
- Oo-oh! Lance is in a hurry.

Nice hall.

Hello. Miss Mills.

Ms Mills, actually.

I do beg your pardon, Ms Mills.

Are you Lance by any chance?
- No.

I'm not Lance.
- Oh.

Lance is ill. I'm covering for him.
Adrian Spinks.

Thank you very much.

After you.

Thanks.

So what's wrong with Lance, then?

Lance? He went out for a vindaloo
last night.

Spare us the details.
It's a very nice white room, isn't it?

Yeah.

Why have you got the shutters closed?

I've just got here.
You're my first lot.

Not cos you're trying to block out
the tower block, then?

Light up your life.

Not very scenic, is it?

Nice big windows.

Yeah, but what can you see
through 'em?

So what's in there?

Take a peek. It's the en suite.

Not a very large bath.

You can get two in there.

Yeah. Two bars of soap.

You, uh... looking for a place together?

No.

Hm. Thought you might be.

There's a lot of cracks in the walls.

Purely cosmetic.
- What, you painted them on?

It's the weight of the plaster.
- So?

It shrinks, it cracks.

I can see that.
It's just not very good, is it?

I agree. You get what you pay for.

Oh, so you haven't got your selling heart
where your selling mouth is.

Honesty is my policy.

So, what's in here, then? Oh! I see.

Right. A sort of kitchen, breakfast,
wining, dining, living, dying room.

Fridge-freezer,
washer-dryer, dishwasher.

Save your hands for a rainy day.

I use my hands on a rainy day.

Excuse me, did you, erm...

Did you say your name was Adrian?

Mm-hm. Adrian Spinks.

Thought so.

That's an original Victorian fireplace...

(LAUGHS)

No, it is. Come and have a look.

You can have an artificial gas coal fire
plumbed in, or burn logs.

The choice is yours.
- I don't believe it.

Honest.
- Oh, my God.

(LAUGHS)

# THE CURE: The Upstairs Room

# I love it all
These games we play

# I close my eyes, you run away

# I'm sure I asked you to stay

# But now you're gone...
- Exsqueeze me.

Yeah?

Are you just a girl
that can't say "N...

No!

Thought so.

This is a party. I don't think much
of your dress sense.

Thought it was a funeral.
You're wearing black.

Well, I got genereal disease.

Will I catch it
if I have sex with ya?

Well, you won't be,
so you won't know, will ya?

Don't bite! Ow!

(GIGGLING) Right. That does it.

Raarrh!

(SHRIEKS AND GIGGLES) No!

Excuse me. I'm a lady.

Well, come on, then.

I'm in the passenger seat.
You're driving.

Ain't got a gearstick, have I?
"This lady's not for turning!"

Fancy breakfast?

I also serve the "sit and wait".

Sausage and egg?

(Sausage and two eggs'd be better.)

It's getting cold. Eat up.

D'you wanna fight? Paci-fist.

I'm going to the toilet.

(HUFFS)

And when I get back, young man,
we'll have more eat and less talk.

Well, hurry up!

(SIGHS)

CLAIRE: Oh, yeah? Who with?
Oh, no, I can't go.

It's just I can't.

No, really, I can't.
I've got to get it done.

(SPEAKS ON PHONE)

DOOR CREAKS

Oh! Hiya.

Working on a Saturday? Bit keen.

I'm making notes for an essay.

I've got as far as
the emotional responses to fear.

Is it about ghosts?

No, it's about the erection of, er..

Ooh, talking dirty to me?

No, the erection of body hair
and things like that.

You looking for
a new erection in life?

Would you like some chocolate?

Very kind of you. Thank you.

Help yourself.

Nice boxer shorts.

My ex-girlfriend got them for me.

'Scuse me. You havin' a tutorial?

She asked about my ex-girlfriend.

I weren't!
- You tryin' to do some work?

Yes, actually, I am.

Come on, Casanova.
This isn't a bordello.

Can't just walk into every boudoir
and choose a different bint.

Got to go and feed the world.

Oi!
- Try telegrams!

What's your problem?!

(REDIALS NUMBER)

North London Poly, yeah?

Yeah. Were you there?

Yeah, we both were.

You were a BABS, weren't you?

Were you BABS?

No, she did English.

What'd you do?
- Psychology.

I got a 2:2.
- Oh, bully for you!

Spent too much time in the pub.

I got a 2:2 and didn't
spend too much time in the pub.

I got a first
and I smoked a lot of dope.

I had a brilliant time.

Oh? Nice for you.

Population of China.
Good luck trying to get through,

cos it's usually engaged.

Do me a flavour, gimme bus fare?

You must be joking!
- See you.

Lend us 40 pence?

No!
- What for?

To get me home, else I have to walk.

Oh, yeah.
- No. She will not lend you 40 pence.

Why not?
- We're not a bank, that's why!

Sorry.

Have you been listening to me?

Ha-ha!
- What?!

Lend us 40 hence?

What for?
- Brain surgery!

I'm skint.

Give us a kiss, then.

Hey, Annie.

Shouldn't she pay me
for use of my fetid stump?

Fuck off!

Oh! She likes it rough, she does.
- Out!

Cos when I fuck a woman,
she stays fucked.

DOOR SLAMS

Why d'you think he hasn't phoned?

I dunno. Maybe he's lost the number.

Are you bothered?

No. Are you?

No. What's he like?

What d'you mean?
- Y'know, in the sack.

He's like a sack of potatoes
in the sack.

I hate those things.
They give me the creeps.

That looks like my mum.

Hey, Hannah!

(LAUGHS)
- The Flowerpot Men!

Flobilobilob!

(POSH) Lavinia.

That's nice. It suits you.
Yeah, Paddington Bear.

Look at this. Great! I like the colour.

Yeah. It's only 50p.

Think it goes with me hair?

It makes you look like a carrot.
What d'you reckon?

Nice, yeah. Twins!

Hey, 50p. Great!

Think we should get them?
- Definitely.

OK. 'Scuse me! Where's the geezer?

Don't know.

And then she sat on my face,
Constable.

(SNORES)
- Good morning.

Would you like some breakfast?
A little fuck on toast, maybe?

A woman's place is on my face.

Useless.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

I've got this, er...
recurring fantasy about...

(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Erm... well... in this fantasy,

er...

I'm having sex.

Well, actually, I'm being forced
to have sex with somebody.

And the thing is that
there's a lot of men. Y'know?

Watching us.

Oh?

Don't get me wrong, it's only
a fantasy. It's not reality.

It's a myth that a lot of men
believe, but it can lead to rape.

Y'know, the idea
that a woman means "Yeah"

when... like, erm...

she means "No".

I could bring me mates back after
five-a-side to watch if you want.

So what's through this square window?

Ah. It's a divided garden.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

The furthest bit belongs to this flat.

It's a bit barren, isn't it?

Spice it up with your green fingers.

You don't recognise us at all,
do you?

You're vaguely familiar.

I recognise you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

What about her?

What's your name?
- Anna.

Nah. Sorry.

Right. Where's the second bedroom?

Now there's an offer I can't refuse.

You just lost your commission.
- Ouch.

Ow!

Bloody well bit the wrong place.

Bite's worse than me bark.

Look, she loves me.

Thank you.

What's that?

I'm being the right angle in a triangle.

One-armed bandit.
- Are you all right?

Yeah. Fine. Have a nice time.

You sure you don't want me
to come with you?

No, it's all right. It's cool.

Hannah! I wanted strawberryade!

You're lucky she got you
anything at all.

BIRDSONG

So... why did you, er... split up
with your ex-girlfriend, then?

She wanted to whisk me up the aisle.

Really?
- Yeah.

Got sick of her
crying all the time.

Was it cos of her,
or cos you don't like commitment?

It's a load of bollocks, all that shit.

What?

Commitment.

Vagina. Nice place.

Wouldn't want to live there.

So how long have you been
an estate agent?

Ooh, five, six years.

I see you've got a wedding ring.

Yeah, I'm married.

How nice.

How long?

Second anniversary coming up.

HANNAH: Got any kiddies?
- I certainly have.

How many? 2.2?

Just the one, as of yet.

Laura Jane.

Oh, yes.
She's as ugly as you, isn't she?

It's her birthday tomorrow.
Got to go and pick up the cake.

How old is she?

One. Little jelly tot.

She'll be playing for England
by the time I finish with her.

I forgot you liked football.

Well, it's crap, isn't it?

Not my cup of tea, neither.

You know what to do with this.
- Keep it for your collection.

No, thank you.

Nice to see you again.

Yeah, bye!

You all right?
- Fine, yeah.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

That time in the bedsit
was the worst for me.

Just after you came down to stay.
I was right on the edge.

Yeah.
- I actually said to myself

"You've either got to change
or go under."

If I hadn't got that job in the hardware
shop, I'd be in a loony bin.

No, you wouldn't.
- I would.

He just let me be myself.

It's funny, but all these memories
keep flooding back.

See, I hate looking back.

Don't forget,
I don't remember my childhood.

That's why remembering is important to me.

Who wants a crap memory, though?

You haven't really changed.

D'you want some more rice?
- No, thanks.

I've always envied you, you know.

Oh, don't be so daft.
- I have.

Why?

I don't know.

I admire your innocence.

What d'you mean?

You're a very... sort of...
trusting person.

I trust people too easily.

That's why I get walked over.

I envy your ability
to stand on your own two feet.

That's just self-protection.

And the way you deal with men.

All I ever do is deal with them.

At least you're able to fall in love
with them,

even if you are a walking open wound.

I'm just not strong enough
to be as vulnerable as you.

But I see vulnerability as a weakness.
You're the strong one.

If we could be a combination,
we'd be the perfect woman.

Unfortunately, we can't.

I can't use these chopsticks.

You've changed more than you think.

Oh, yeah? In what way?

You've stopped bumping into things.
And you can look me in the eye.

Yeah. Yeah.

D'you know who always said that
to me about looking down all the time?

Who?
- Ricky. D'you remember him?

There's someone I have thought about,
as opposed to Adrian.

Ricky was sussed.

Oh, yeah. Very bright, yeah.

Wonder what happened to him.

I really don't know.
Maybe he's a rock star.

Yeah, or a company manager.

He might be thin as a beanpole.

Don't think so,
amount of curry and chips he ate.

Fat chance there.

Thin chance.

Nah. I haven't thought
about Adrian at all.

I don't want to talk about it,
cos I'm trying to get over today.

Fair enough.

It's ridiculous, but...

I haven't stopped thinking
about him for the last ten years.

I was really quite hurt
by all that, y'know?

I knew it. Deep down inside,
I knew that.

But why didn't you tell me?

Well, because I wasn't in love with him,
and I knew you were.

So, y'know.

He was a shit.

Oh, yeah. He was a shit.

But when you're in love with a bastard,
you can't help yourself.

Psychologically, I look up
to my father. I see him as strong.

In spite of everything he's done.

But he doesn't respect women, and
he's never given me the love I deserve.

And that's why I have this need,
y'know, to crave his respect

and seek his approval.

That's obviously why
I choose the men I do.

I don't respect my father at all.
He's weak.

Look what he's done to Thelma.
I don't ever want to end up like her.

Not ever.

And when I look at men,
all I see is dangerous weakness.

I don't want it to be that way.
I just can't help it.

It makes me feel lonely.

Er... Hannah?

What?

Would you like this
for when you find a flat?

No. But you can stick this
up your arse if you like.

It's hard to believe.

Four years.

(SOBS)

(SOBS)

You're crying.

Oh, God! Am I?

Here's to us!

The Brunty sisters.
- Oh, yeah!

We always get the brunt
of everything!

Mm! I found a photo of us
outside the Bronte house in Haworth.

Did you?

But I forgot to bring it down with me.
I wanted to give it to you.

That's a shame. I'd have liked that.

I know. But I'll send you it.

Thanks. I loved that trip.

Yeah, it was good.

It was quite a revelation.

How?

Just seeing the way you were
with your family.

Everyone being nice to one another.
I wasn't used to it.

I remember you kept
going off on your own.

Yeah. I was overwhelmed, really.

Does your mum favouritise Francesca?

Nothing's changed.

Everything Francesca does is
brilliant, everything I do is crap.

It's not fair, is it?

First it was the mellifluous cello,
now it's happy families.

Yet you've always been the one
to look after her.

Oh, I know.

You're the only person who's ever
really appreciated me.

Am I?

Yeah.

You know, I've never told you this

but remember all those times I was meant
to come to London and never did?

Yeah.

I didn't cos I was scared.

What were you scared of?

I was scared if I set foot in London
I'd never want to leave again

and I didn't want to throw
me plans out the window.

Sounds like you should move on.

Oh, yeah, I'm ready to now.

Be good if you came back to London.
- Mm.

Oh, well. Who knows?

Mm.

They're lovely houses down there especially.
You see them?

Yeah, I know. Expensive.

Really? A lot more expensive
than sort of, like Chalk Farm...

INDISTINCT CHATTER

The prices are unbelievable.

Oh, it's terrible. I don't know...

Must be a nice view from up here.
- It is, yeah.

Look! There's Tottenham Court Road.

Hey, look who this is! I don't believe it!

Is that Claire?

It is, yeah!

She's got no make-up on.

I know! (LAUGHS)

What a bloody coincidence!

(LAUGHS)

What's going on there?

I know. It's incredible, isn't it?

The chance of that happening
is one in a million,

seeing two people like that
in the same weekend.

Did you notice where we were standing?

No.

We were at a crossroads.

Oh, yeah. "Where the two paths meet."

That's right.

Very symbolic.

Must be something in the air.

Hey, Hannah! Look where we are.

Yeah.

Oh, there's that chemist!

Yeah.

(GERMAN ACCENT) Have you got
ze right prescription, ja, ja, ja?

(LAUGHS) Stupid old fart.

Do you think the flat's still there?

I don't know.
Haven't been that way for ages.

Could we, er, you know?

What, go and see it?
- Yeah.

Got time before the train, haven't we?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, we've got a few minutes anyway.

I feel like me nan.
- Why?

Every time
we went out on a Sunday run,

she always had to take us to places
where she grew up.

Oh, no!

Oh, no.
- Oh that's a shame, innit?

Typical, eh? Typical.

That's sad, that is.

It's terrible.

Wonder what happened to him?

He probably retired.

Or died.
- Don't!

He couldn't have gone back
to Hong Kong.

It makes me feel so old.

Oh, no, look at this.

Oh, I used to really like that old door.

So did I.

Oh.

I wonder who lives here now?

Hey, look.

What?

They've got a new CD out.

Oh, yeah! (LAUGHS)

I haven't listened to them for ages.
Have you?

Oh yeah, now and again.

Have you?

This is my old bedroom, up here.

Yeah.

TRAIN CLATTERS PAST

There's mine, look.

ANNIE:
Oh, yeah.

Oh, no. No, I don't believe it.

It's not, is it?

It is, it is.

Oh, no. This is weird.

This is really weird now.

I know, it's too much.

Er... I wanted curry and chips but erm...

I'm sorry, a coincidence is one thing
but this is a joke, innit?

What are you doing here?

Er, open top bus.

Er... er...

Ricky?

(MUMBLES)
Plasticine men...

Hee... Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.

Hee... (BLOWS)

Are you all right?

HANNAH:
Do you know who we are?

Don't patronise me.

Where's your scabs?

Oh! I don't know, Ricky. They've gone.

Why?

Time. Just time.

RICKY: It just goes.
- Yeah, it does.

Ticking...

Passing us by.
- Yeah.

Empty.

Fucking empty.

Er, how come you're here?

On the stage, weren't ya?

Everybody laughing at your snout.
(SNORTS)

Pig-faced woman.

Where are you living, Ricky?

Hartlepool.

When did you come down to London?

Last night. On the bus.

ANNIE:
Where'd you stay?

I... I...

Aye, aye, carumba!

Like, er, Carmen Miranda.

You, er, go, er, flying in the sand.

Er, desert.

Like a... big calendar.

See stones. You can only see them
from the sky.

Er... Eagles' head.

Er, big woman. Mmm.

Hee-hee-hee. Zzz.

Blocks...

You, er, wanna hold me elephant?

Er, yeah. OK.

(CHUCKLES)

Like, almost as big as you are!

Who's it for?

She called me a C-U-N-T.

I never.
- Not you!

HANNAH: Who?
- She says I'm not the dad but I am.

He's gone to Dungeness, bastard.

Like, er, nuclear power.

He got a transfer from Hartlepool.

Devil's work.

You, er, wanna live forever?

No.

Huh?
- I certainly don't.

We don't, Ricky.

Oh!

Oh, lovely.

Oh, the most beautiful...

What's she called?

He! He's a fucking boy!

Oh, yeah, sorry. He's lovely.

RICKY:
Harry.

He's great.

He lives in Hastings. Ooh-hoo!

I wanna surprise her.

She never answers my letters.

I'm gonna walk in there, fuck her!
(LAUGHS)

You wanna have a hold?

No.
- Go on!

(GIGGLES)

Oh! It's, er, nice to see ya!

You, er, wanna game of snooker?

No, thanks. We've got to go.

Oh, it's, erm, a good game.

RAPID TUNEFUL BEEPING
- We don't have time.

She's gotta catch a train, Ricky.
We've got to go, all right?

(GASPS)

I'm not a... an idiot!

No. We know you're not.

I'm like a... idiot savant.

Just haven't found my savant yet.

(LAUGHS)

Are you hungry, Ricky?

He did good chips!

Yeah, he did great chips.

You not gonna invite us up
for a cup of tea or summat?

Oh, we haven't lived here
for six years, Ricky.

Yeah. Me nanna's dead.

Oh.
- Oh! Sorry to hear that.

She... coughing.
(COUGHS AND RETCHES)

When did that happen, then?

She, like, coughed all her life up.

(MIMICS SILENTLY)

Do you live by yourself then?

Mind your business!
What do you care?

I do care!

No, you don't!
- I do.

You don't think
about anybody but yourself!

That is not true!

That's not true, Ricky.

Oh, button it, you!
You never liked us anyway.

I did.

Shite!

I thought a lot about you.
- You don't think! Selfish!

Talk, talk, rabbit!

That's not true!

That's enough!

Rancid. Go on, fuck ya!

Lesbos!

Oh, I can't do this.

Don't be stupid! Come on!

I'm really nervous.

He'll be dead chuffed
we've come all this way.

I don't know what to say to him.

His nan was all right.

Yeah, she's lovely.

I bet he's right spoilt.

Bloody hell!
This fucking bag keeps falling off!

Give it to me, for fuck's sake!
You're such a moaner!

It's great to be by the sea.

It is, actually.

All this fresh air.

Yeah, it's wild.

Bit of ozone.
- Yeah.

BOTH: Ricky!

Hiya!

What are you doing up here?

We came to see ya.
- See if you was all right.

I'm, er, fine, like, er...

Tip-top.
So you don't need to give a toss.

Have you heard from college?

Fuck 'em!

What about your stuff?

That's not very hospitable.

He doesn't seem very happy
to see us at all.

Don't be like that!

We were worried about ya.

Come to have a laugh, take the piss?

No!
- Seven hours on a coach for a laugh.

We're not that desperate.

Come to lead us on a bit more?

(SIGHS)

You've upset her now!

You're not the only one who's upset.

All right! That's why we came up here.
Cos we care about ya.

Well... Fuck off back where you come from.

Fuck you an' all!

Fuck you!

Sorry we bothered!

Fuck you! Fuck ya!

Fuck!

Fucking...

Nosey parker!

Nosey parker!

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

It's not fair, is it?

No.

I shoulda got his number.

Shouldn't think he's got a mobile home,
let alone a mobile phone.

(SNIFFS) Joke?

ANNIE:
What time is it?

It's just gone quarter past.

Which platform is it, I wonder?

Dunno - is it platform three?
Let's have a look.

No, that's it, isn't it?

Yeah. That's this one.

Yeah, that's right.

I don't mind saying hello at stations
but I don't like saying goodbye.

I don't like stations.

I like trains though.

It was really great seeing ya.

Yeah, and you.

I'll come again. Soon.

Wait until you're invited! (LAUGHS)

I got you a little present.

You haven't!

Yes, I have.

You didn't have to.
- I know. But.

You gotta ask me a question first.

What about?

A very important question
about your life.

OK.

And you gotta say
Ms Mills, Ms Mills twice.

Oh, no!

OK.

Ms Mills, Ms Mills...

Will I find true happiness soon?

# Da-na!

"Pang!" Load of rubbish. Always was.

(LAUGHS) Thank you.

It's a very special present.

See ya.

Bye.

Ta-ra.

Let's not leave it six years
this time.

No, I won't.

Hey, Hannah! Do you think there'll be
any more coincidences on the train?

I dunno. Maybe you'll meet
the man of your dreams.

# Sent him a letter

# Got no reply

# Now she's feeling something

# She can't deny

# She looks for strangers

# To change her life

# The crazy girl wants

# To be his wife

# All she lives for

# Is to be the right one

# Aha

# Oh

# She goes

# Round and round in circles

# Never knowing

# Which strings to pull

# All she longs for

# Is to find the right one

# Gotta find the right one

# Gotta find the right one

# She goes

# Round and round in circles

# Never knowing

# Which strings to pull

# All she lives for

# Is to find the right one

# She goes

# Round and round in circles

# Never knowing

# Which way to turn

# All she lives for

# Is to find the right one

# She goes

# Round and round in circles

# Never knowing

# Which strings to pull

# All she lives for

# Is to find the right one. #