Original subtitles

(TH EME MUSIC PLAYI N G)

(SI NGIN G)

Lister, have you ever been h it over the head with a weld i ng ma llet?

No? Sh ut u p a nd push the trolley.

Yes, si r, Ri m mer!

Rig ht. Corridor 1 5 9 .

(DAVI D H UMMI N G)

Lister, sh ut u p!

-I' m on ly h u m m i n ' ! -Well, don 't.

(SIGHS)

Lister, don 't h u m a nd don 't ma ke

a ny stu pid sou nds with you r cheeks.

(CLICKS T0N GU E)

Lister, one more sou nd, a nyth i ng,

a nd you' re on report, my laddo.

What job n u m ber's th is?

(M0UTHI N G)

Rig ht. That's it! Lister, D, Th i rd Tech n icia n .

Offence, obstructi ng a su perior tech n icia n

by h u m m i ng, clicki ng a nd bei ng q u iet.

When the Ca pta i n sees th is, you' re dead .

Ri m mer, I' m bored !

Bored? Th is is essentia l routi ne ma i ntena nce.

It's a bsolutely vita l for the well-bei ng of th is crew,

th is m ission a nd th is sh i p.

Dispenser 1 72, ch icken sou p nozzle clogged .

Pass me a 1 4- B, Lister.

Lister, is th is a 1 4- B?

Does it look even remotely li ke a 1 4- B?

Th is is a 1 4- B, Lister.

Th is is a 1 4- F. Are you bli nd?

-Who ca res? -I ca re, Lister!

It's my ca reer, Lister. I' m the one who gets it i n the neck

if a n officer comes a long, orders ch icken sou p,

a nd gets blackcu rra nt cord ia l with bla ncma nge,

a nd two crea ms a nd a suga r.

Ch icken sou p.

(S P LUTTERS)

Yu p. That's worki ng .

It's stu pid a nyway, a ll th is ma i ntena nce busi ness.

The on ly reason they don 't g ive th is job to the service robots

is they've got a better u n ion tha n us.

Lister, that is a bsolute nonsense.

Rig ht. What's next?

Bota n ica l ga rdens, fa u lty porous ci rcu it.

And corridor 1 47, sticki ng d0or.

It's true, you know, thoug h, Ri m mer.

You ra n k below a ll fou r of those service robots,

even the one that's gone a bsolutely mad .

Well, Lister, not for long, matey. U p, u p, u p! That's where I' m goi ng !

N ot u nti l you pass you r eng i neer's exa m .

You won 't do that beca use you ' ll j ust go i n there a nd flu n k aga i n .

Lister, last ti me I on ly fa i led

by the na rrowest of na rrow ma rg i ns.

You what? You wa lked i n there, wrote, "I a m a fish" 4ØØ ti mes,

d id a fu n ny little da nce a nd fa i nted .

That's a tota l lie !

N o, it's not. Petersen told me.

(MIMICKING) No, it's not! Petersen told me.

Lister, if you m ust know, what I d id was,

I wrote a d iscou rse on porous ci rcu its, wh ich was si m ply too rad ica l,

too u nconventiona l, too mou ld-brea ki ng for the exa m i ners to accept.

Yea h . You sa id you were a fish .

Is that a ciga rette you ' re smoki ng, Lister?

- N o. It's a ch icken . - Rig ht! You' re on report.

Two ti mes i n as ma ny m i n utes, Lister. I don't know.

- Ri m mer, Lister. -Yes, si r.

Yo, Tod h u nter, get down !

Indeed . N ow, Ri m mer, I' m j ust goi ng th roug h McIntyre's a rtefacts

a nd I see that you've fi led 247 com pla i nts

aga i nst Lister.

Yes, si r!

That's 1 2 3 cou nts of i nsu lti ng a su perior tech n icia n,

th i rty-n i ne cou nts of dereliction of d uty,

eig hty-fou r cou nts of genera l i nsu bord i nation

a nd one cou nt of m uti ny.

Yes, si r!

-Muti ny, Lister? -I stood on h is toe.

Ma liciously a nd with i ntent to wou nd .

-It was a n accident! - Lister, I put it to you,

how is it possi ble to sta nd on one sma ll toe by accident?

You d id n 't sta nd on my toe at a ll, you stood on my enti re foot,

thereby obstructi ng a su perior tech n icia n i n pu rsu it of vita l d uty.

But the vita l d uty was that he was goi ng to sna p my g u ita r i n ha lf!

Whereu pon you lea pt from the top bu n k

-onto the whole of my rig ht foot. -All rig ht, that's enoug h .

Had there been a crisis situation,

I wou ld have had to perform my d uties hoppi ng .

Clea rly putti ng the sh i p at risk, clea rly therefore m uti ny.

-Fi n ished? - H owever, I' m not a vi nd ictive ma n,

so I don't i ntend to a pply for the death pena lty.

There a re 1 69 people on boa rd th is sh i p.

You, Ri m mer, a re over one ma n . Why ca n't you two get on?

You see, I try, si r. I' m not a n i nsu bord i nate ma n by natu re.

I try a nd respect Ri m mer a nd everyth i ng, but it's not easy

'ca use he's such a smeg head .

Did you hea r that, si r?

Lister, do you have a ny conception of the pena lty for descri bi ng

a su perior tech n icia n as a smeg head?

(LAUGHIN G) Oh, Ri m mer.

You a re a smeg head .

(DAVID LAUG HS)

You hea rd that! With respect, si r, you r ca reer's over.

Tod h u nter, you ' re fi n ished, you big lig !

We a re a ll gathered here today

to pay ou r last respects to George McIntyre.

George was a n excellent officer

a nd as good a friend as a nyone cou ld ever hope to have.

And he' ll be m issed more deeply

a nd more com pletely tha n he cou ld ever know.

I now com mend h is ashes to the sta rs he loved so m uch .

Good bye, George. We' ll m iss you .

(WH 00SHI N G)

Th is is a piece of m usic he specia lly req uested .

Sta rt the ta pe, please, H olly.

(SEE YOU LA TER, ALLIGA TOR PLAYS)

There goes McIntyre.

-Good bye, George. -That was George?

Rea lly? I thoug ht it was Ma ry, Queen of Sc0ts!

-Off! - H ey, I was watch i ng that!

Well, toug h !

You touch that g u ita r, Lister,

I' ll remove the E stri ng a nd ga rrotte you with it.

Ca n I do a nyth i ng? Is it okay if I breathe? Ca n I breathe?

(EXHALES L0U D LY)

Lister, I have a n exa m tomorrow, wh ich I i ntend to pass.

I know, yea h . By cheati n ' .

Th is is not cheati ng ! It is merely a n a id to memory.

It helps me ma rsha l the facts a lready i n my com ma nd .

What? Copyi ng the enti re textbooks onto you r body?

Why don 't you ha nd you r body i n a nd let them ma rk that?

Lister, do you th i n k it is easy

for someone li ke me to become a n officer?

Someone who wasn 't Academy ed ucated?

Someone who d id n 't have the rig ht nobby backg rou nd?

Someone who d id n 't have the rig ht pa rents?

You d id n 't have the rig ht pa rents? Whose pa rents d id y0u have?

My pa rents. The wrong pa rents.

I' m j ust sayi ng, you know,

if you ca n't pass fa i r a nd sq ua re, why bother?

Well, you wou ld, Lister, beca use you've no a m biti0n, no d rive.

You ' re perfectly content to be the lowest ra n k on the sh i p.

I' m not the lowest ra n k on th is sh i p.

What a bout the la boratory m ice?

Tell those m ice to do someth i ng a nd they've got to j u m p to it.

(SQU EAKY VOICE) Yes, Mr Lister, si r!

(SQU EAKI N G)

Lister, you a re a noth i ng .

I' m not a noth i ng . I've got me pla n .

What's that? The pla n to be the slobbiest entity

i n the enti re u n iverse?

No. Me five yea r pla n .

You see, I' m goi ng to do two more tri ps a nd I've been savi ng u p a ll me pay.

-Si nce when? -Si nce a lways.

That's why I never buy a ny soa p or deodora nts

or socks or a nyth i ng li ke that, you know.

Anyway, I' m goi ng to buy myself a little fa rm on Fij i .

I' m goi ng to get a sheep a nd a cow a nd breed horses.

With a sheep a nd a cow?

No. With horses a nd horses.

-On Fij i? -Yea h !

The prices there a re u n believa ble.

Yes. Beca use they had a volca n ic eru ption

a nd now most of Fij i is th ree feet below sea level!

It's on ly th ree feet. They ca n wade.

That's why the a n i ma ls a re gon na have to be q u ite ta ll.

N ice pla n, Lister. Excellent pla n . Bri llia nt pla n, Lister.

What a bout the sheep?

What a re you gon na do? Buy them water wi ngs?

Fit them with sti lts?

Better sti ll, you cou ld cross-breed them

with dolph i ns a nd have lea pi ng m utton !

(B LEATIN G)

You ca n get a d ra i nage g ra nt these days.

Why bother, Lister?

You cou ld be the fi rst ma n to prod uce wet-look kn itwea r.

Look, th is is why I never ever sa id a nyth i ng to you

'ca use I knew you 'd say someth i ng li ke th is.

Lister, you have got the bra i n of a cheese sa ndwich .

(I N SOUTH ERN ACCENT) Morn i ng, Fa rmer Lister!

I' m j ust poppi ng down to the shops i n my su bma ri ne.

Ca n I buy you a nyth i ng?

(I NTERC0M BEEPS)

The Welcome Back George McIntyre reception

is a bout to beg i n i n the refectory.

George says he'd li ke to i nvite everyb0dy,

especia lly those who weren 't a ble to attend h is fu nera l.

H ey, have you seen Ri m mer's a rm?

N o. I' m wa iti ng for it to come out i n pa perback.

(ALL LAUG HI N G)

Wa iti ng for it to come out...

Petersen, have you got a coi n?

I've j ust been shown th is g reat new i ntelligence test.

What you gotta do is force the coi n onto you r forehead,

a nd then the more ti mes you ca n ba ng you rself on the head

without it fa lli ng off, the more i ntelligent you a re.

You gon na go for it?

ALL: He's goi ng for it!

-Are you ready? Ca n you feel it? -Yea h !

-Ca n you feel it? -Yep.

-Ca n you feel it? -Yep.

Go !

ALL: Go on ! Go for it!

(MIMICKING DRUM RO LLS)

ALL: Sh h !

Folks, today is a day for both sad ness a nd joy.

Sad ness for the passi ng away of George

a nd joy beca use George is back with us, a lbeit as a holog ra m .

N ow, some of you may not have travelled with a holog ra m before,

so I ask you to treat h i m as a norma l ma n,

beca use he is, i n every respect, li ke George.

H e has George's persona lity a nd George's knowledge a nd experience.

Of cou rse, he ca n't lift a nyth i ng or touch a nyth i ng,

so I ask you to cooperate with h is req uests.

And please, ta ke every ca re not to wa lk th roug h h i m,

not even when you ' re i n a h u rry. Tha n k you .

- (ALL CH EERIN G) -MAN : Speech ! Speech !

(WHISTLI N G)

I wa nt to tha n k everybody

for g ivi ng me such a ma rvellous fu nera l.

I've j ust seen of it.

And I wa n na tha n k the Ca pta i n for h is bea utifu l eu logy.

Bea utifu l.

But I sti ll don 't u ndersta nd why he d id n 't use the one I wrote.

(ALL LAUG HI N G)

Th is m ust seem pretty spooky for everyone,

but I don't wa nt you to th i n k of me as someone who's dead,

more as someone who's no longer a th reat to you r ma rriages.

(ALL LAUG HI N G)

I. . . I th i n k Joe knows what I' m ta lki ng a bout.

(ALL LAUG HI N G)

As you know, Holly's on ly ca pa ble of susta i n i ng one holog ra m,

so my advice to a nyone more vita l to the m ission tha n me is,

if you d ie, I' ll ki ll you .

(LAUGHIN G)

(ALL CH EERI N G)

TO D H U NTER: Please be u psta nd i ng for the cutti ng of the ca ke.

Flig ht coord i nator George McIntyre.

ALL: George !

(ALL GARG LI N G)

(ALL AP P LAU DI N G)

(WHISTLI N G)

J ust one th i ng before the d isco,

H olly tells me that he's sensed a non-h u ma n life form a boa rd .

Si r, it's Ri m mer!

We don 't know what it is, Lister. So j ust be ca refu l, okay?

I' m tu rn i ng you i n, Ri m mer.

ALL: 0oh ...

RIMMER: Rig ht, they' re bou nd to ask the rig ht th ig h, wh ich is 1 Ø%o.

They m ust ask the left th ig h, wh ich is 2Ø%.

They've got to ask one of the forea rms,

wh ich mea ns I've passed a lready.

Anyth i ng on the left sh i n 's a bon us!

Rig ht, CUTIE, cu rrent u nder tension is...

What's th is? Cu rrent u nder tension is eq ua l?

Cu rrent u nder tension is expa nda ble?

Cu rrent u nder tension is expensive?

What does th is mea n? What does a ny of th is mea n?

I've covered my body i n com plete

a nd utter a nd tota l a bsolute nonsense g i bberish !

(G R0ANIN G)

J ust relax, relax, relax, relax.

(DAVI D C0UGHI N G)

U h, plus 20%o of the sh i p's cou rse m i n us

the Pythagoras theorem m u lti plied by two over the x-axis

m i n us one eq ua ls the tota l velocity of Red Dwarf

wh ich mea ns I know everyth i ng a bout astro-eng i neeri ng .

Good morn i ng, Lister, for proba bly the last ti me.

You got it a ll down, have you, Ri m mer?

Cou ple of bla n ks, but I th i n k we' re there.

So you ca n 't remem ber a nyth i ng?

Th i n k what you wi ll, Lister.

Remem ber F-I-S- H, that's how you spell fish .

Then you j ust keel over.

I' m su re it' ll a ll come flood i ng back to you .

Dry u p, Lister.

(H O RN BL0WI N G)

MAN : (OVER PA) Will entrants f0r the engineer's examinati0n

naw make their way to the teaching r0om.

Well, Ri m mer, honestly, good luck.

It's a ll rig ht, Lister. I' m i n com plete a nd tota l control.

Lock! Lock!

(CAT ME0WI N G)

Fra n kenstei n . (CLICKING TON GU E)

(CAT ME0WS)

Oh, come on, Fra n kenstei n !

(CAT ME0WS)

Oh, you' re getti ng rea lly big now, you know?

I hope it's not twi ns. You 've a lready got a ll me m i lk ration .

Never m i nd, when the ba by cat comes,

maybe we ca n g ive h i m water a nd pretend it's m i lk.

It's on ly a ba by cat, it won 't know, eh? Eh?

Do you wa nt to see me pictu re of Fij i aga i n, Fra n kie?

You ' re gon na love it there. Look.

Okay, everybody, you 've got th ree hou rs.

No modems, no spea ki ng slide ru les.

Tu rn over a nd sta rt. Good luck.

H i, where's the Ca pta i n's office?

It's over there, where it says "Ca pta i n's office",

where it's a lways sa id Ca pta i n's office.

So that's the Ca pta i n's office !

-So how a re you then? - Fi ne.

Do you know what he wa nts to see me for?

Yes. I th i n k you've been promoted to Ad m i ra l!

-Oh, yea h? -Yea h .

For you r d i ligence a nd genera l devotion to d uty.

-Oh, yea h? - Lister!

DAVID: Bye.

You asked to see me, Ca pta i n?

Where's the cat?

What? What cat?

Lister, not on ly a re you s0 stu pid

you bri ng a n u nq ua ra nti ned a n i ma l

a nd jeopa rd ise every ma n a nd woma n on th is sh i p,

not on ly that, but you ta ke a photog ra ph of you rself with the cat

a nd send it to be processed i n the sh i p's la b.

N ow I' m gon na ask you aga i n . Do you have a cat?

-No. - Have you got a cat?

Er, yes, that one.

-Where d id you get it? Tita n? -Yes.

Don 't you rea lise that that th i ng cou ld be ca rryi ng a nyth i ng?

Don't you remem ber what ha ppened

on the Oregon with the ra bbits?

Lister, a loose a n i ma l a boa rd th is sh i p cou ld get a nywhere.

It cou ld get i nto the a i r d ucts, it cou ld get i nto H olly.

You know, a little n i bble here a nd a little n i bble there, Lister,

a nd before we know it, we' re flyi ng backwa rds.

N ow, I wa nt that cat a nd I wa nt it now.

Si r, j ust su ppose I d id have a cat. J ust su ppose.

What wou ld you do with Fra n kenstei n?

I'd send it down to the med ica l centre a nd I'd have it cut u p

a nd tests ru n on it.

Wou ld you put it back together when you'd fi n ished?

Lister, the cat wou ld be dead .

So with respect, si r, what's i n it for the cat?

- Lister, g ive me that cat. -It's not as easy as that.

Me a nd the cat, we' re goi ng to have a ba by cat

a nd we' re goi ng to buy a fa rm on Fij i .

We' re gon na have a sheep a nd a cow a nd th ree horses.

It's me pla n a nd no one ca n get i n the way of it,

not even you, a nd I do respect you ...

Si r.

Oh, Lister, do you wa nt to go i nto stasis for the rest of the tri p

a nd forfeit 1 8 months' wages?

No.

-You wa n na ha nd over that cat? -No.

Choose.

Look, Dave, no one wa nts to go th roug h with th is.

It's okay. I ca n ha nd le it.

Ri m mer, a re you a ll rig ht?

I ca n 't rea lly remem ber.

I th i n k I d id q u ite well.

Is th is goi ng to h u rt?

Haven't you ever travelled i nterstella r?

-No. -Oh, you don't feel a th i ng .

The stasis room creates a static field of ti me.

See, j ust as X-rays ca n 't pass th roug h lead,

ti me ca n not penetrate a stasis field .

So, a lthoug h you exist, you no longer exist i n ti me,

a nd for you, ti me itself does not exist.

You see, a lthoug h you ' re sti ll a mass,

you' re no longer a n event i n space-ti me,

you ' re a non-event mass with a q ua ntu m proba bi lity of zero.

H ow si m ple is that, eh?

-Okay, I' m ready. -See you i n 1 8 months.

Holly, activate the stasis field .

H O LLY: Okay, Frank.

H O LLY: Good morning, Dave.

It is now safe foryou to emerge from stasis.

I've on ly j ust gone i n .

H O LLY: PÍease proceed to the Drive R00m f0r debriefing.

Where is everybody, H ol?

They're dead, Dave.

Who is?

Everybody, Dave.

What, Ca pta i n Hollister?

Everybody's dead, Dave.

What, Tod h u nter?

Everybody's dead, Dave.

What, Selby?

They' re a ll dead . Everybody's dead, Dave.

Petersen isn't, is he?

Everybody is dead, Dave.

N ot Chen?

Gordon Ben nett. Yes, Chen . Everybody.

Everybody's dead, Dave.

Ri m mer?

H O LLY: He s dead, Dave- Everyb0dy is dead.

Everybody is dead, Dave.

Wa it. Are you tryi ng to tell me everybody's dead?

H O LLY: I wish Id never Iet him out in the first place.

H ow?

The drive plate was inefficiently repaired.

It blew and the entire crew

was subjected to a Iethal dose ofcadmium-2

before I could seal the area.

Oh, th is is terri ble.

And why's it so d i rty a rou nd here, H ol? What is th is stuff?

That is Catering Officer OIafPetersen.

(S P LUTTERS)

I've been eati ng ha lf the crew!

And who's that?

HOLLY: That's Captain H0llister.

And that's Tod h u nter.

HOLLY: No. That's Sec0nd Technician, Rimmer.

Oh, yea h .

I d id n 't recog n ise h i m without h is report book.

What was Ri m mer doi ng i n the Drive Room?

He was expla i n i ng to the Ca pta i n

why he had n't sea led the d rive plate properly.

So wa it, Hol. H ow long was I i n stasis?

WeĮĮ, I cauĮdn t reĮease yau until the radiation

reached a safe backgr0und level.

H ow long?

Th ree m i llion yea rs.

Th ree m i llion yea rs!

I've sti ll got that li bra ry book.

What a bout Krissie? What a bout Krissie Kocha nski?

She 's dead, Dave.

Oh, hey!

I don't su ppose it's a ny consolation,

but if she were sti ll a live,

the age d ifference wou ld be i nsu rmou nta ble.

She was pa rt of me pla n .

I never got rou nd to telli ng her,

but she was goi ng to come with me to Fij i .

She was goi ng to wea r a wh ite d ress a nd ride the horses

a nd I was goi ng to ta ke ca re of everyth i ng else.

It was me pla n . I pla n ned it.

Well, she won't be m uch use to you on Fij i now,

not u n less it snows a nd you need

someth i ng to g rit the path with .

H olly!

Sorry. I'm s0rry ab0ut that.

Ive been on me own f0r three milli0n years

andlmjust used to saying what I think.

I th i n k I've gone a bit pecu lia r, to tell you the truth .

So everyone's dead? I' m on me own? It's j ust me?

Well, technically speaking, yeah.

What do you mea n, tech n ica lly spea ki ng?

H ello, Lister. Long ti me n0 see.

Ri m mer, you' re a holog ra m !

Yes. That's beca use I' m dead .

Dead as a ca n of Spa m . And it's a ll tha n ks to you .

Me? What d id I do?

If you had n't kept that stu pid cat, Lister,

a nd had n't been sent to stasis,

I'd have had some help when I was mend i ng the d rive plate

a nd I wou ld n't be dead .

-What does it feel li ke? -Death?

It's li ke bei ng on holiday with a g rou p of Germa ns.

No. I mea n bei ng a holog ra m .

Do you m i nd? Bei ng a holog ra m is fi ne, Lister.

I sti ll have the sa me d rives, the sa me feeli ngs, the sa me emotions,

but I ca n't touch a nyth i ng .

N ever aga i n wi ll I be a ble to brush a rose aga i nst my cheek,

crad le a la ug h i ng ch i ld or i nterfere with a woma n sexua lly.

Ri m mer, you never used to do a ny of those th i ngs a nyway.

But I wou ld have one day, m u rderer.

Hey, hey, I d id n 't do a nyth i ng !

It was you who d id n 't fix the d rive plate properly.

-Is th is me here? -Yea h .

Me?

Come on, Ri m mer, look on the brig ht side.

The brig ht side? What brig ht side?

I' m dead . I' m com posed enti rely of lig ht

a nd I' m a lone i n space with a ma n

who'd lose a battle of wits with a stuffed ig ua na !

Where's the brig ht side?

What's a n ig ua na?

Look, look, you ' re not dead, a re you?

I mea n, you' re dead, but not dead-dead

beca use you ' re sti ll here, a ren't you?

Lister, I' m not rea lly here ! I' m not rea lly me ! Don 't you see?

I' m a com puter si m u lation of me.

That's me, there, that pi le of a lbi no mouse d roppi ngs.

Come on . Lots of people have d ied .

Lots of people have d ied a nd gone on a nd done rea lly, rea lly well.

You ' re a holog ra m . So what?

I su ppose you' re rig ht, Lister.

I've got to pu ll myself together.

But you've got to help me. You 've got to be my ha nds a nd my touch .

I know the sort of th i ngs you li ke to touch .

N o way, Ri m mer. Forget it.

Are you smoki ng, Lister? In the Drive Room?

Yea h . I stopped for q u ite a wh i le, but I' m back on them now.

You ' re on report, sq u i re.

I ca n 't write it down . I' ll remem ber it.

Oh . . . Ri m mer, look, I know it's wrong of me

to spea k i ll of the dead a nd a ll that,

-but you' re sti ll a smeg head . -I beg you r pa rdon?

I sa id, you ' re sti ll a smeg head .

Lister, do you have a ny conception

of the pena lty for descri bi ng a deceased

su perior tech n icia n as a smeg head?

Wi ll you listen to me?

J ust listen to me. J ust. . . J ust sh ut u p. Sh ut u p.

(EXCLAIMI N G)

Ooh . H ow a m I looki ng?

Looki ng n ice. N o, wa it a m i n ute.

I' m looki ng better tha n n ice. I' m looki ng da ngerous.

Ow! # Danger0us #

H ey, what's that?

Oh, it's my shadow. H ey, even my shadow's l0oki ng n ice.

I' m looki ng n ice. My shadow's looki ng n ice.

What a tea m !

We a re u n believa ble ! Okay, tea m, th is way.

N o. Th is way.

(EXCLAIMI N G)

Th is way.

Lister, j ust hold you r horses, listen to me...

(EXCLAIMI N G)

U h-oh .

Better ma ke myself look big .

Fea rsome. I was fea rsome.

# Me and my shadow... #

Ooh ! Come on, boy!

# Walking down the-.. #

(EXCLAIMS)

H olly, what was that?

During the radioactive crisis, Dave, y0ur cat and her kittens

were safely sealed in the hold.

'And theyve been breeding there f0r three milli0n years

and have evolved into the life form y0ujust saw in the c0rridor.

I don't get it.

You know how mankind ev0Ived fr0m apes?

-Yea h, I know that. - H e evolved from cats.

H is a ncestors were cats. H e's descended from cats.

H e is a cat.

(EXCLAIMI N G)

Yea h ...

H ello. Cat?

Whoa ! Crease !

Sta nd back, Lister. (YELLING)

(SCREAMI N G)

H ere you go, Cat.

Ah, crispies!

H olly says you li ke these.

Mm m !

Hey! You mon keys eat off the floor?

Ai n 't you got no style, no soph istication?

Oh, I' m sorry, Cat. I' m sorry.

You people a re u n believa ble.

Where a re a ll you r catty friends, Cat?

Good crispies, ma n !

But where a re a ll the kitties?

Are they gone? Are they dead? Have they left you?

Who ca res? I wa nt it off the sh i p!

N o ! H e's com i ng home with us, a ren't you, Cat?

H ome? And where exactly is home su pposed to be?

- Ea rth . - Ea rth?

What ma kes you th i n k there' ll be a ny Ea rth, Lister?

Even if there is, look what it's done

to a household pet i n th ree m i llion yea rs.

Ca n you i mag i ne what h u ma n ki nd has evolved i nto?

To them, you ' ll be the eq u iva lent of a sli me

that fi rst crawled out the ocea ns.

-I cou ld sma rten meself u p a bit. - Na h . You' re a d i nosa u r.

You' re exti nct. You 've got noth i ng .

Hey, hey! I've sti ll got me pla n .

And I've sti ll got a cat.

Okay, it's not Fra n kenstei n, but it's sti ll a cat.

- Did you say Fra n kenstei n? -Yea h,

she was you r g reat, g reat, g reat, g reat, g reat, g reat g ra nd mother or someth i ng .

The H oly Mother? The vi rg i n bi rth?

N o one believes that stuff.

The vi rg i n bi rth?

N o, it was a big, black tom on Tita n .

Fra n kenstei n? Yea h . I remem ber that stuff from kitty school.

The Holy Mother, saved by Cloister the Stu pid,

who was frozen i n ti me,

a nd who gaveth of h is life that we m ig ht live.

N o ! N o, it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister!

It's Lister the Stu pid !

Who sha ll retu rneth to lead us to Fucha l, the Prom ised La nd .

N o. It's not Fucha l, it's Fij i !

And I wi ll! I' ll lead you there.

That's where we' re goi ng . Holly!

Plot a cou rse for Fij i .

Look out, Ea rth . The sli me's com i ng home !

(EN D TH EME S0NG P LAYI N G)