All language subtitles for ZIWE s02e07 Men.eng

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Original subtitles

[chuckles]

I�love�men.

I'm�not�just�saying�that�because a�man�sits�at�the�top�of�every

hierarchy.

I'm�saying�that�because I'm�afraid�for�my�life.

ominous�music

Think�of�all�the�contributions that�men�have�brought�to�the

world:

swords,�guns,�and�bombs. [blast]

They're�practically�my favorite�things�after�peace,

love,�and�my�civil�rights.

Women�can�have�it�all:

a�family,�and�another family�against�her�will.

Men�are�making�a�comeback, and�we�all�pay�the�price.

Tonight,�I'll�be talking�to�Michael�Che.

And�Julia�Fox.

-Who�is�your�muse? -Myself.

Yourself?

But�don't�worry,�I won't�be�talking�too�much.

[laughs]

[laughter]

[laughing�nervously]

Ziwe � starts�now.

cool�theme�music

My�next�guest�is an�iconic�mother,

actress,�and�artist.

I�was�Josh�Safdie's�muse when�he�wrote � Uncut�Gems.

[woman]�Right.

[honking]

Howard,�get�out of�the�fucking�car!

Oh,�what�are�you gonna�do,�Howard?

[Ziwe�VO]�To herself,�she's�a�muse.

To�others,�she's�a grocery�store�model.

Her�relationship�with�[bleep] West�shook�us�to�our�core.

A�downtown�It�Girl�redefining women's�fashion�on�the�daily.

Please�welcome�Julia�Fox!

elegant�music

Wow.

-Iconography. -[laughs]

I'm�beyond�excited to�talk�to�you�today.

Me�too.

All�right,�what�do�you think�the�world�needs�more:

your�outfits�or�safe�abortions?

Definitely�safe�abortions.

Um,�abortions�for�everybody.

But�in�the�meantime,�um...

[laughs]

I�will�be�putting�on, um,�a�show�for�everyone.

What�statement�are�you making�with�this�outfit?

-Politically. -Underboob.

-Oh. -Oh,�wow.

Um,�politically...

How�would�you describe�your�perfect�man?

-Funny... -[Ziwe]�Mm.

He�has�to�have�a really�good�sense�of�humor.

-But�he�can't�be�broke. -Wow.

'Cause�that's�not�funny.

Now�describe�how�you would�kill�that�man.

I�would�probably�make it�look�like�an�overdose.

-Wow,�oh�my�gosh,�Julia! -[Julia]�Yeah.

They'll�never�know,�you�know?

ominous�music

I�am�afraid�to�be�in a�room�alone�with�you.

And�are�you pro-women-killing-men?

I�think�that�if the�man�deserves�it,

yeah,�why�not?

Men�kill�women�all the�time�for�no�reason!

Wow.

Wow!

The�way�that�you shrug,�I'm�terrified.

[chuckling]�Yeah.

Should�men�be allowed�to�have�opinions?

No.

No.

They�shouldn't�even�be allowed�to�have�penises.

Really?!�Why�not?

It's�just�unfair.

What's�unfair�about�it?

Okay,�if�I�were�president,�I would�just�give�guns�to�every

-woman... -[Ziwe]�Got�it.

And�not�any guns�to�any�men.

[Ziwe]�Got�it.

Because�I�feel�like�if they�can�have�a�penis,

which�is�a�weapon�of mass�destruction-

-Wow. -[Julia]�It�can�be!

-Wow! -It�can�be.

I�think�that�women�should be�allowed�to�have�the�same.

I�think�it�equals the�playing�field,

I�think�we�wouldn't�get [bleep]ed�with�so�much...

-[Ziwe]�Wow. -Yeah.

triumphant�music

Well,�I�think�when�George Bush�was�looking�for�WMDs�in

Afghanistan,�it�was�for�penis.

-That�tracks. -[laughs]�Yeah.

Who's�the�ugliest man�you've�ever�kissed?

Oh�my�God,�I�can't say�his�name�but...

Say�his�name.

And�he�had�a�small�penis.

-How�small�is�small? -Like�that.

-That's�small? -Hard?

-That's�very�small. -Oh�my�gosh!

And,�um,�[bleep]?

[laughs]

-Bigger�than�that. -Tell�me�when�to�stop.

Small-�okay, smaller�than�that.

Smaller,�smaller, smaller,�smaller.

Little�more.

Little�more,�little�more.

-Like,�yeah,�like�there. -Oh�my�God!

Obviously,�you�famously�were sort�of�associated�with�this

-man. -Yeah,�the�universe�wanted�it.

I�mean,�it�was�a moment�in,�like,

pop�culture�history.

Yeah.

It�hit�the�reset button�on�your�career.

[Julia]�It�did.

So�what�other�utilitarian uses�did�you�get�out�of�this...

person�of�color?

[laughs]

He�got�me�a�lot�of�clothes.

-Wow! -Yeah,�lots�of�clothes.

Wasn't�expecting you�to�answer�that.

[laughs]

You�said�it's�scary�to�own�a $10,000�Birkin�bag�when�you're

not�rich.

If�a�Black�person stole�it�from�you,

would�you�call�the�cops?

Honestly,�probably�not.

-Really? -[Julia]�No.

Where's�your�Birkin?

At�home.

-And�what's�your�address? -[laughs]

No�reason.

I�don't�really�have�emotional attachment�to�the�Birkins.

[Ziwe]�Mm.

But,�like,�if�you came�in�and,�like,

took,�like,�my,�like,�best friend's�ashes�or�something...

Oh�my�God.

It's�gonna�be�a�fight.

Well,�that�would�be�a sick�[bleep]�to�steal�ashes.

Yeah,�but�you�never�know.

Like,�that's,�like, my�prized�possession.

Who�do�you�hang out�with,�Julia?!

I�was�robbed�for,�like,�years�by a�girl�that�I�thought�was,�like,

-my�best�friend. -What�was�she�stealing?

And�she�was selling�my�stuff�on�Etsy.

-[gasps] -Yeah.

She�was�like,�"Oh,�I�just, like,�find�things�in�Brooklyn.

-I�thrift�them." -[Ziwe]�Yeah.

Come�to�find�out�this bitch�was�robbing�me,

and�then�when�I�would look�for�the�stuff,

she�would�help�me�look�for�it!

[chuckling]�Yo...

Do�you�know�what that�does�to�a�person?!

-Like,�no,�it's�on�sight. -I'm�seeing�what�it�does.

But-�but�you�best�believe I�actually�sent�her�a�meme.

I�was�like,�"Yes,�bitch,�I know�you�[bleep]in'�robbed�me."

-Oh�my�God. -"Yeah,�wait�'til�I�see�you."

But�I�haven't seen�her,�so...

Like,�I�realized�that�if-�that people�needed�to�think�that�I

was�crazy,�and�that�was,�like, how�they�weren't�gonna�[bleep]

with�me.

And�then�I�don't�know�when I�actually�became�crazy.

It�was�like�"I'm�gonna�pretend to�be�crazy"�and�then�it�just...

[chuckles]

Yeah.

[chuckles�nervously]

-Filled�with�terror. -[chuckling]�Yeah.

Okay,�well...

Mm.

You�saw � Slave�Play � with�[bleep].

What�was�your�biggest takeaway�from�this�play?

That�he�brought his�annoying�friend.

[ding]

It�was�like�"Why�do�you have�to�bring�your�friend?

Like,�we�were�[chuckling] supposed�to�go�on�this�date."

[Ziwe]�Wait,�really?!

And�so�that's�what�your takeaway�from � Slave�Play...

[Julia]�[laughs]

The�most�nominated play�in�Tony�history?

No,�no.

I�mean,�I-�when�I worked�in�the�dungeon-

[Ziwe]�Yeah.

I�had�clients�-�Black clients�-�that�wanted�that.

-Oh�my�gosh. -[Julia]�Yeah.

This�is�what�he wants�to�get�off,

and-�and�I'm�gonna�do�what the�f-�the�man�tells�me�to�do

because,�in�this�setting,�it's- it's�about�him�and�his�needs,

not�about�my�moral�compass.

I�think�that's�really�gracious of�you�to�not�be�uncomfortable

being�a�master.

So�let's�pretend�this�little camera�is�your�little�slave

piggy.

How�would�you�talk�to- to�it�as�a�dominatrix?

Oh,�you've�been�a bad�little�slut,

-haven't�you? -Oh�my�gosh.

Yeah,�you�wanna�be�punished?

Yeah,�I�bet�you�do wanna�be�punished,

you�dirty�little�bitch.

But�use�a�Southern accent�for,�like,

historical�accuracy.

[laughs]

Um...do�I�have�to?

-No! -[Julia]�Okay.

[Ziwe�VO]�Next�on � Ziwe...

- � Uncut�Jems... - � Uncut�Gems...

- � Uncut�Jems... - � Uncut�Gems...

- � Uncut�Jems... - � Uncut�Gems...

[barely�enunciating]

jaunty�music

energetic�music

[man�VO]�From�the�people�who brought�you � Love�is�Blind � and

The�Stanford�Prison�Experiment.

Hey,�y'all,�I'm�Willet,�and�I'm so�happy�to�be�here�[chuckling]

in�the�name�of�Christ�to�find�a gorgeous�Christian�girl�to�make

my�wife.

[man�VO]�One�horny�19-year-old.

Six�Christian�sluts.

There's�only�one�catch:

the�women�must�remain�silent.

[Willet]�Quiet�now.

[chuckling]�Yeah!

Worship�me.

uplifting�gospel�music

I�swear,�these�girls�are�so�shy.

My�ex�was�crazy!

She�always�wanted me�to�talk�to�her.

They're�virgins,�right?

You're�teeny�tiny,�girl�#3.

And�I�want�you�to�be�my teeny-tiny�Christian�wife.

Nod.

[man�VO] � Teeny Tiny�Christian�Wife.

Oh,�God...

[man�VO]�Coming this�spring�to�Netflix.

jaunty�music

Men:

can't�live�with�'em.

jaunty�music

exciting�strings

-Are�you�dating�right�now? -No!

Why�would�I�wanna�waste�my�time?

-Really? -Yeah.

Have�you�ever tried�dating�women?

I,�like,�have�been�thinking about�it�a�lot�recently.

Pivot!

Because�I�do�think, like,�maybe�I�have�some,

you�know,�I-�I�have�a�gay�bone and�I�need�to�explore�that�a

little�bit�more.

Like,�maybe�my�ex-boyfriends weren't�wrong�when�they�were

calling�me�a�lesbian�and complaining�that�I�never�wanted

to�have�sex�with�them.

We're�unpacking...

I�can�find�love in-�in�all�places,

and�all�races!

-Except�f-�oh,�really?! -[Julia]�Yeah!

Tell�me�about�your favorite�races�to�date.

-Not�white,�first�of�all. -Really?!

I�don't�know,�honestly.

They�all,�like,�are equally�horrible,

to�be�honest�-�all�men.

Like,�I�can't...

-It's�just�a�man�thing. -[Ziwe]�Hm.

Um,�how�many�Black friends�do�you�have?

Um...

Like�a�pretty�good amount,�I�would�say.

What's�a�good�amount?

I�mean,�I�can't, like,�count�them�all.

-Why�not? -Like,�that's�weird.

But,�like,�a�good�amount.

I�would�say�that�I have,�like,�a�pretty,�like,

colorful�and-�and mixed�group�of�friends.

Like,�I'm�not�even�actually really�friends�with,�like,

any�white person�who,�like,

is�actually,�like, you�know,�from,�like,

that�area.

-If�they're�white,�they're- -[chuckling]�What�area?

-They're,�like,�Jewish�or- -Got�it,�got�it,�got�it.

[Julia]�You�know�what�I�mean?

Like,�they're�not,�like- like,�I�don't�have�any,�like,

natural�blonde�friends�or,�like, natural�blue-eyed�friends.

You�don't�have�any natural�blonde�friends?!

Would�you�like�to�apologize�to the�blonde�community�for�this?

I'm�sorry,�blonde�community!

Like...

I've�actually�never even�been�to�England.

-[laughs] -I�know.

I'm,�like,�kind�of ashamed�of�that�fact,

but,�like,�any�time�it came�up,�I�was�just�like,

"A�bunch�of�white people�and�bad�weather,

like,�the�food�sucks,�I�heard."

It�just�didn't�ever, like-�I�don't�know,

it's�just�not�my�vibe.

Mm.

[English�accent]�Oh,�I�really fancy�him!�[mocking�laugh]

[regular�voice]�I�don't�know.

[laughs]

Wow.

As�an�Italian-American,�would you�consider�yourself�a�person

of�color?

No,�definitely�not.

-Although... -Although?

There�have�been�white-er�people in�my�life�that�said�things�to

-me. -What�do�they�say�to�you,�Julia?

Like,�"You're not�really�white."

Who's�saying�this�to�you?

I�swear�on�everything�I�love...

that�I�know�a woman�who�is�that...

like,�white...

that�said�that�to�me.

And�I�used�to have�a�lot�of�hair,

like,�before�I got�it�all�lasered,

and,�um,�you�know, she�would�say,�like,

"It's�because�you're�Italian,"

you�know?

So�I�guess�Italians�are like�the�Black�people�of�white

people.

Like,�the�same�way�that there's�degrees�to�Blackness,

there's�degrees to�whiteness,�too.

I�actually�wanna�apologize�to the�Italian�community�for�making

light�of�any�persecution.

-[laughs] -Honestly!

Columbus...

Black�man.

You're�friends�with�Anna�Delvey.

Where�do�you�stand on�prison�reform?

Free�Anna�Delvey,�though.

But�didn't�she�do�the�things?

Do�what?

Where�do�you�stand�on�scammers?

Are�you�pro-scammers�or�against?

-Absolutely. -[Ziwe]�You're�pro-scammers?

Yeah.

Are�you�an equal-opportunity�scammer,

or�do�you�think�some�races deserve�to�be�scammed�more�than

others?

Absolutely,�I�think�white people�deserve�to�be�scammed�the

-most. -Wow!

[Julia]�Yeah.

So�could�you�tell�all�the marginalized�people�you�can�see

to�scam?

Okay,�so�all marginalized�people,�um...

feel�free�to�scam any�white�person.

-Wow. -[Julia]�Yeah.

Except�me.�[laughs]

Speaking�of�privilege,�you got�arrested�for�shoplifting�in

Bloomingdale's,�and�then you�came�full�circle�to�do�a

campaign�for�them.

Welcome�back�to�Beauty Hour�on�Bloomie's�TV.

What�is�white�privilege�like?

I�have�a�story.

So�one�time,�I'm in�bookings,�right?

-And- -One�time�you're�in�bookings?

One�of�the�many times�I�was�in�bookings.

Whoa.

And�they�put�me�in�a�cell with�a�15-year-old�Black�girl.

[Ziwe]�Mm-hm.

And�she's�telling�me her�crime,�and�I'm�like,

"Oh,�don't�worry.

Like,�I�did�this, you'll�be�fine.

They're�gonna�do this,�this,�this."

And�I'm,�like,�16 at�the�time,�okay?

So�that�was�the�thing; it�was�her�first�offense.

I�was�like,�"Oh,�you'll�be�fine.

Like,�oh,�with�your first�one,�they�always�just,

like,�they�say,�you know,�'It-�it's�okay.'

Like..."

And�she�comes back�in�hysterical,

and�they�were�gonna send�her�to�Rikers�Island.

Oh�my�gosh!

And�in�that�[bleep]ing moment,�I�really�learned�a�lot,

because�it�was�really [bleep]ing�eye-opening.

Yeah.

Sad.

Like,�really,�really�sad.

I�know�this�is�supposed to�be,�like,�a�fun�show.

[Ziwe�VO]�Next�on � Ziwe...

What�other�Malcolm�X speeches�speak�to�you?

I've�obviously watched�the�speeches-

Oh,�yeah?

But�I�just�can't,�like, pinpoint�when�and�where.

You've�obviously watched�the�speeches?

And,�to�be�clear,�you�could not�name�a�single�other�quote?

No...

Would�you�like�to�apologize to�the�Malcolm�X�community?

I'm�so�sorry, Malcolm�X�community.

jaunty�music

exciting�strings

I�cannot�tell�if�you hate�men�or�love�men.

I,�like,�do�love�men.

What�do�you�love�about�men?

I-�and�that's�the�thing:�like, I�don't�wanna�seem�like�I'm�just

a�man-hater,�'cause�I'm�not.

I�hate�the�Patriarchy�and�I think�that�men�are�equal�victims

to�it�just�as�much�as�women.

But,�like,�when�you�see�everyone getting�[bleep]ed�over�and�then

you�see�all�the�men�that- they're�not�really�that�angry.

And�it's�like,�well, why�aren't�you�upset?

And�now�that�you're�not�upset, it�makes�me�feel�like�you're�not

-really�on�my�team! -[Ziwe]�Mm.

And�then,�it's�really�like you�only�want�me�if�I'm�on�your

team.

That's�how�men�are programmed�to�think.

They�don't�give�a�[bleep].

Like...

They�don't�give�a�[bleep].

Where�do�you�see�women's�rights 20�years�from�now�in�America?

Honestly,�the�way things�are�going,

obviously�not�very�good.

-Mm. -[Julia]�Um...

But�that's�why�we�have�to�stick together�and-�and�reclaim�our

power�and�stop letting�men�use�us,

control�us,�coerce�us.

Um,�even�if�they're friendly�or�nice,

it�doesn't�[bleep]ing�matter; they�have�a�hidden�agenda�and

you�need�to�be�working�on yourself,�getting�your�money.

Suck�a�dick�if�you�have�to, do�whatever�to�be�independent.

Do�it.

But�don't�ever�catch�feelings.

That'll�derail�the�whole�thing, and�then�you'll�have�to�start

from�scratch,�so...

it's�better�to just�not�even�date.

Wow.

jaunty�music

My�favorite�show?

Babe,�what's�my�favorite�show?

Vin�Diesel.

jaunty�music

[background�chatter]

"Men"�by�Ziwe

jaunty�music

Men's�rights?

Hell�yeah,�they�are.

jaunty�music

I�didn't�know periods�weren't�fun.

[Ziwe�VO]�A�standup�comedian and�co-host�of�SNL's�Weekend

Update�known�for�his�outspoken approach�to�hot-button�issues...

That's�just�not�right.

I�mean,�female�doctors?!

[laughter]

[Ziwe�VO]�From�beloved Olympians�to�critics,

no�one�is�off-limits according�to�comedian,

writer,�and creator�Mr.�Michael�Che.

Please�welcome�-�you guessed�it�-�Michael�Che!

elegant�music

-Hi. - � Bienvenidos.

Now,�as�a�straight�man,

which�do�you�give less�of�a�[bleep]�about,

women's�rights�or�gay�rights?

Mm,�less?

Less.

Equal.

You�equally�do�not�care?

That's�a�[bleep]ed�up�question.

That's�a�[bleep]ed�up�answer.

-You... -[Michael]�Uh-huh?

Made�light�of street�harassment,

saying�if�you�said�"Hi" to�a�woman�on�the�street,

you�apologize.

What�other�issues�do�you�think women�are�probably�exaggerating?

That's�what�I�do;�I'm�a...

I'm�a...

lightener.

Would�you�like�to lighten�Roe�v�Wade?

I�mean,�I�could.

Please!

[laughs]�What?

No,�I�want�you�to�do�it!

It's�my�choice�to terminate�this�segment.

[crew�laughter]

[chuckling]�You�can't�force me�to�carry�that�joke�to�term.

-[crew�laughter] -[Michael]�[laughs]

I�see�a�lot�of "pick�mes"�laughing!

"Pick�mes?!"

Do�you�have�any�marginalized communities�you'd�like�to

apologize�to?

-"Marginalized?" -Yeah!

Wh-�wh-�what�does�that�mean?

What's�your�interpretation of�"marginalized?"

-Like,�uh... -[ding]

"[bleep]ed�up?"

"[bleep]ed�up�communities?"

[chuckling] What�is�"marginalized?"

"Marginalized"�means,�like, uh,�like�people�who�are�at�the

margin�of�the�power�structures.

It�could�be,�like,�comedians�who are�written�about�in�the�press,

but�it�depends.

Shout�out�to�all you�niggas�that's...

gettin'�hard-hit�in�the�press.

Do�you�usually patronize�women�like�this,

or�am�I�special?

I�don't�know�shit about�patronizing�nobody.

I�don't�even�know�what...

What�do�you�mean�"patronizing?"

Are�you�the�head�writer of � Saturday�Night�Live � ?!

Yeah,�I�don't...read!

Is�that�a�man�thing�or...?

What�was�the�question? You�said...

Did�you�get�hit�by a�car�before�this?

[chuckles]�I�don't�know, I'm�nervous.

I�feel�like�I'm being�interrogated.

It's�an�interview.

They�don't�go�well.

Interviews,�or interviews�with�you?

Both.

On�the�scale�of�my�interviews, would�you�like�to�be�more�like

Chet�Hanks,�Andrew Yang,�or�Fran�Lebowitz?

I'm�goin'�Fran.

What�do�you�like�about�her?

I�like�the�movies,�the- what's-�what's�the�big�hit-

the�hit�movie�she's�in?

You�like�her,�you�tell�me!

It's�the�romantic�comedy�thing.

And�you're�a�fan�of�this�woman?

She's�in�a-�no,�she's in,�like,�an�action�movie?

Who's�Fran�Lebowitz?

-Who's�Fran�Lebowitz? -Yeah.

She�is�a�tiny�woman�who�is famous�for�her�commentary

on�New�York�City.

Where�would�I�have�seen�her?

Fran�Lebowitz�and Martin�Scorsese!

-[applause] -Yes,�yes,�yes!

[dramatic�thud]

How�am�I�supposed�to�know who�that�is?!�[chuckles]

-Like,�I�don't�know... -Okay.

It's�this�part;�it's�the�quiet part�that-�that�worries�me.

When�I'm�talking,�I�feel�fine.

When�you're talking,�I�feel�fine.

But�it's�after�I�say�something, and�then�it�gets�really,�really

-still... -Yeah.

That's�what�worries�me.

Is�that�because�you're not�used�to�listening?

This�is�why�I don't�go�to�therapy,

because�I�could�just talk�to�a-�anybody,

and�they'll�tell�me�what's wrong�with�me.�[chuckles]

Like,�you�figured that�out�just...

asking�me�four�questions about�Chet�Hanks�and...

Franny...Lab-�Lebo-�Lebstone.

[laughs]�I�don't remember�her�name.

You�know�who�I'm�talking�about.

Yeah,�I�know�who you're�talking�about.

Black�women�-�how�often are�they�your�therapists?

Fran�Lebowitz�is�Black?!

[Ziwe�VO]�Next�on� �� �Ziwe...

I�think�they're�both�important.

And�why�were�you cupping�it�like�that?

jaunty�music

exciting�strings

Name�five�NBA�players.

[sighs]�Uh...

LeBron...

Steph�Curry...

um...

uh,�Giannis�Antetokounmpo...

uh...

Klay�Thom- Klay�Thompson...

and...um...

Jayson�Tatum.

Boom,�five.

Now�name�five�WNBA�players.

Oh,�I�don't�watch�the�WNBA. [chuckles]

I�would�love�to watch�it,�but�WNBA,

if�you're�watching�this, if�you're�watching�me,

first�of�all,�thank�you.

Second,�if�you�got�tickets, I�would�love�to�go�to�a�game,

so�I�can�learn�more�about your�sport�and�culture.

The�sport�is�basketball.

[laughing]�Well,�I�mean, it's...it's�a�different...

Yeah,�I�know�about basketball,�but�I�don't...

Oh,�I�don't�like�this. [chuckles]

When�women dribble,�it's�different?

It's-�it's-�it's- yeah,�it's�different,

of�course�it's�different!

I�think�women�and�men are�different,�right?

Can�you�describe their�differences?

Well,�their�ball is�smaller,�right?

exciting�music

And�there's�no dunks;�I�know�that�much.

[male�announcer] Brittney�Griner!

[bleep]in'�breaking�news: Nobody�watches�the�WNBA!

upbeat�pop�music

[Ziwe�VO]�After talking�to�Michael�Che,

I�decided�to�support�the WNBA�during�their�playoffs�with

court-side�seats.

WNBA�flex!

I�had�never�been to�a�game�before,

and�I�wanted�to�break the�cycle�of�misogyny.

You�know,�women supporting�women!

You�can�imagine�my�excitement when � Ziwe � started�playing

on�the�jumbotron,

and�they�cut�to�a�Black person�that�is�not�me.

However,�because�everyone�was frantically�pointing�at�me,

they�were�finally able�to�find�me!

I�love�the�WNBA, and�I�love�feminism.

Also,�free�Brittney�Griner.

Would�you�like�to�apologize�to any�marginalized�communities

yet?

If�anybody's marginalized,�it's�me!

How�many�Black�female friends�do�you�have?

Can�you�name�them?

I�can't�name�all�my Black�women�friends;

I�feel�like�that's marginalizing�them.

To�me,�they're�just�human friends�that�happen�to�have

brown�skin�and�big�butts.

Wanna�get-�Big�booties?!

[chuckling]�Yeah.

I�said�"butts"�but you�said�"booties,"

which�is...marginalizing.

[crew�laughter]

You�see�an�attractive group�of�women�in�a�bar.

Do�you�refer�to�them�as "chicks,"�"babes,"

or�"sexy�mamas?"

"Sexy�mamas"�is�pretty�sweet.

I�don't�think�you�could�call somebody�a�"sexy�mama"�and�they

not�smile.

Could�you�talk�to�the�camera and�call�our�audience�members

"sexy�mamas?"

Hey,�you�sexy�mamas is�watching � Ziwe � !

-[Ziwe]�Oy... -[Michael]�[laughs]

Next�week,�we�got�Fran Lebowitz's�Black�ass�on�here.

[laughter]

[Ziwe�VO]�Next�on � Ziwe...

You�know,�if�we�dated,�uh...

they'd�call�us�"ZiChe."

[crew�laughter]

jaunty�music

God,�you're�amazing!

[man�VO]�One�eligible bachelor�must�choose�from...

one�million�women.

It's�so�rare�to meet�a�girl�who's,�like,

actually�funny.

[man�VO]�And�make�the�most important�decision�of�his�life.

My�name's�Chudd, I'm�20�years�old,

and�I�am�ready�to�be�a�husband.

[man�VO]�From�the�creators of � Too�Hot�to�Handle

and � Law�and�Order:�SVU.

[Chudd]�In�the�10 minutes�we�spoke,

I�felt�a�real�soul connection�with�Ashley.

[man�VO]�This�show�answers the�question�that�has�gone

unanswered...

for�centuries.

I�just�don't wanna�hurt�anybody.

[voice�cracking]�It's,�like, so�much�pressure�on�me�as,�like,

a�guy,�and�it's�like...

[sniffles]�I'm,�like...

these�women�are, like,�my�daughters!

And�yet,�they're�my�mom!

And�yet,�I�just...wanna...

make�the�right�choice!

I�finally�know�who I�want�to�marry.

I�choose...

ass.

[man�VO] � Tits�or Ass? � -�a�dating�show.

Coming�to�Netflix�this�Fall.

jaunty�music

Should�women�be allowed�to�watch�my�show?

I�think�it's�a states'�rights�issue.

jaunty�music

exciting�strings

Are�you�in�therapy:�yes�or�no?

No.

No?!

I�went�to�therapy one�time�when�I�was�16.

Yeah.

She�had,�like,�this preconceived�idea�that�I�needed

it�or�something.

You�know�what�I�mean?

Like,�she�was,�like-�she was�talking�to�me�like...

trying�to-�trying�to find�out-�you�know,

I�don't�need�this shit,�you�know?

I�believe�that�you�don't think�you�need�therapy,�yes.

I�don't.

Can�I�show�you�a�couple�images and�you�tell�me�what�you�see?

upbeat�jaunty�music

That's�a�big�ol' hairy�dick�right�there.

[chuckling]�Whoa.

That's�a�big�ol'�hairy�twat.

-Wow! -[Michael]�What?!

Or-�or�it's�a�little�boy�in�a snowsuit�with�a�raccoon�tail!

Or�a�girl!

It's�titties�on�the... outside,�for�some�reason.

You�see�tits�here?!

You�don't�see�tits�there?!

We�Googled�"uterus."

Oh,�uterus!

That's...a�Teletubby with�two�dicks.

This�reflects�what�is in�your�internal�mind...

[echoing]�internal mind,�internal�mind...

[reverberating]�That's�a lady�with�really�big�labia...

Petrified�sack...

Hooves?!

Warts�on�the-�on�the�bottom...

Skinned�raccoon...

Dangling...

That's�a�mutilated�woman!

Somebody�who�blew her�brains�out...

-[record�scratch] -How�many�did�I�get�right?

-[dramatic�thud] -[buzzer]

Was�this�a�personality�quiz?

It�was�a�psychopath test�from�Google.com,

and�honey...

What�do�you�want�the�audience�to take�away�from�this�interview?

That�men�are�just�people.

That's�the�takeaway?!

[laughing]�Yes!

What�is�this�show�about?!

I�don't�know,�you�didn't�tell me�what�this�episode�is!

Yes,�it's�in�service�of�men!

That's�why�we�do�this�show.

And�that's�the�interview.

[Ziwe�clapping�softly]

Nobody�[bleep]in'�clapping!

You�wanna�do�your�muscles?

Show�them�your�muscles.

"Men"�by�Ziwe

[laughing]�Nobody's gonna�clap�for�my�muscles?!

-[crew�laughter] -Fuck�y'all,�man.

jaunty�music

[man�VO]�From�the�people�who brought�you � Tits�or�Ass? � and

Teeny�Tiny�Christian�Wife...

three�hot Republican�bachelors...

choose...one...sexy...uterus.

And�then�marry�it.

[men�in�unison] Disembodied�uterus,

will�you�marry�me?

[man�VO]�That's�it.

That's�the�premise�of�the�show.

I'm�gonna�pop�the�question.

This�is�it:�the�rest�of�my�life.

Man�and�uterus.

upbeat�pop�music

Ew,�it's�bleeding!

Mine's�broken!

-Ew,�no! -Gross!

[man�VO]�Coming�to Netflix�this�spring.

jaunty�music

upbeat�electronic�music

So�Julia,�you've been�a�muse�to�many�men.

So�I�wanted�to�try�to�see what�we�could�do�to�DIY�these

-outfits- -Okay.

And�make�it�so�that,�you�know, heads�would�turn�when�we're�out

-on�the�streets. -Okay,�I�love�it.

-We�have�all�your�materials. -Okay.

We're�going�to�make�these�into some�of�the�sexiest�looks�for

the�male�gaze�ever created�in�history.

Distressed.

Distressed.

-[Ziwe] � Uncut�Jems. -[Julia] � Uncut�Gems.

-[Ziwe] � Uncut�Jems. -[Julia] � Uncut�Gems.

[Ziwe] � Uncut�Jems.

[Julia]�The basics�are�straight.

[Ziwe]�Wow!

Wait,�my�pasties�fell�off!

[Julia]�'Cause�women�just bring�more�to�the�table.

Like,�just�cuter vibes�all�around.

[Ziwe]�Whereas�men bring�what�to�the�table?

[Julia]�Men�are�takers.

There's�no�rules.

You�can�do�whatever�the [bleep]�you�wanna�do!

So�Julia,�we're�going�to�wear each�other's�respective�outfits.

[Julia]�God�bless everyone�in�fashion.

[Ziwe]�[reverberating] Male�gaze.

Male�gaze.

Male�gaze.

Male�gaze.

-You�look�gorgiana. -Thank�you.

I�know�you�doubted�me,�but�I think�that�that's�an�iconic

look.

[laughing]�A�Ziwe�original.

How�do�you�feel�about these�men�gawking�at�us?

It's�Michael�Che!

It�is�Michael�Che.

I,�uh,�matched with�him�on�Raya�once.

-You�did?! -I�did.

-Wait,�shut�up! -[Julia]�I�did.

And�what�happened?!

Nothing;�he's,�like,�a- doesn't�talk�that�much.

Hairy�dick.

Two�dicks.

Yeah,�that's�a�dick.

He�didn't�respond to�your�message?

He,�like,�did for�like�a�second,

and�then�that�was it�and�then�I�never,�like,

said�anything�else and�that�was�it.

Yeah,�so�I�would say�that�he,�like,

probably�left�me�unread.

-Wow. -[Julia]�Yeah.

-So�[bleep]�you,�Micheal�Che. -Ugh!

What�are�you�doing�here?!

-[laughs] -Hello!

Get�down!

Get�on�the�floor!

I�think�the�outfits�look�nice.

Shut�up,�we're�not doing�this�for�you,

we're�doing�this�for�ourselves!

-For�confidence,�empowerment... -Sexy.

Men�suck.

A-woman.

Can�you�give�a speech�to�the�camera?

About�what?

I�don't�know, female�empowerment!

Okay,�yeah.

So,�this�is�what�you�have to�do�to�feel�empowered:

anyone�who�does�anything slightly�offensive�to�you�-

if�you�even�get�your feelings�slightly�hurt�-

it's�okay�to�result to�physical�violence,

even�if�it's�just�a cardboard�cutout.

[both�giggling]

elegant�music

chimes

Why�am�I�single?

Because�I�haven't�found�the perfect�guy�who�can�carry�me�on

his�shoulders,�of�course.

jaunty�music

Free�Brittney�Griner.

Free�Brittney�Griner!

You�once�said�that�the�gays appreciate�your�fashion�and�that

-the�basics�do�not. -Yes.

So,�to�be�clear, who�are�"the�gays?"

I�guess�I�would�say�just anyone�on�the�queer�spectrum,

really.

How�do�you�know�that they�like�it�so�much?

I�see�videos�and,�um...

-What�are�the�videos? -You�know,�I�know�my�fanbase.

-Got�it. -[Julia]�Yeah,�and�I�love�them.

And�the�videos, what�are�they�saying?

What�are�they�doing?

They�are,�um,�impersonating�me.

Oh.

- � Uncut�Jems. - � Uncut�Gems.

- � Uncut�Jems. - � Uncut�Gems.

[barely�enunciating] Uncut�Jems.

Uncut�Gems.

[borderline�indistinct] Uncut�Jems.

Yeah,�I�just�feel the�love,�you�know?

And�then�immediately,�whenever I�see,�like,�a�negative�thing,

and�I�go�look�and�I'm�like, "Oh,�it's�a�basic."

Would�you�say�the�gays�are not�basic�and�the�basics�are

straight?

-Yeah. -Wow.

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