Original subtitles

[roar]

[dramatic music]

[narrator] This motion picture is dedicated

to the horse riders in the sky...

To the memory of the heroes of the prairies

who preferred whisky to Coca-Cola.

[western music]

[puppet] ...25 cents, just place the coin in my hand.

The distribution is totally automatic.

"Modern progress" is our motto.

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen.

This is a rare occasion, ladies and gentlemen.

The miracle potion that has worked wonders in Europe

for half a century has finally arrived in America.

Emperor Napoleon, the man who has dominated

half of Europe, has given it his name...

The Emperor's Miracle Potion.

Only 25 cents.

Just place the coin in my hand.

The distribution is totally automatic.

"Modern progress" is our moto.

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen.

Only 25 cents for a bottle of the Emperor's Miracle Potion.

It's a rare occasion, ladies and gentlemen,

for this wonderful remedy. The Emperor's Miracle...

I wonder if it'll cure poison ivy?

[puppet]...skin disorders, acidity in the stomach,

and fecundity to the womenfolk.

[laughing]

I wonder what that stuff can do for me.

[laughing]

I'll put the money in and see what happens.

I'll buy a bottle of this instead of a drink.

What do you say?

[puppet] "Modern progress" is our motto...

[chatter]

[man] Let's see, eight bottles. That'll be two dollars.

You don't want to see all my friends [inaudible],

Napoleon's potion.

[laid back music]

[cheering]

...The Emperor's Miracle Potion.

All you need is one bottle...

How much does it cost?

[voice warping]

[man] You ain't got no money.

[puppet] Twenty...five...cents.

Just place the coin in my hand.

The distribution is totally automatic.

"Modern progress" is our moto.

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen.

Only 25 cents for a bottle of the Emperor's Miracle Potion.

It's a rare occasion, ladies and gentlemen,

for this wonderful remedy.

This is a rare occasion, ladies and gentlemen.

The Miracle Potion has worked wonders in Europe

for half a century.

Not bad!

[puppet] It's finally arrived in America!

Emperor Napoleon, the man

who has dominated half of Europe has given it his name.

Only 25 cents! Just place the coin in my hand...

This here ain't half bad.

[gunshot]

[woman] What kind of poison are you selling?

[gunshot]

Thief! You murderer!

Because of your medicine, all my cows,

chickens, and pigs have diarrhea!

It's all your fault!

And my husband is sick, too!

But it's the animals that worry me.

-If they die, I-- -[gunshot]

He's a poisoner! A murderer!

We've got to hang him!

[angry chatter]

[Napoleon] Hey, just a minute. What's wrong with you?

My potion has never made anyone sick.

[woman] My animals are half dead because of you!

But you'll pay for it!

Hey, you shouldn't have give it to animals.

The potion is only for human folk.

What's wrong with my husband then?

It ain't my fault. I don't make the potion.

I'm only in charge of selling it.

[angry chatter]

Settle it with my boss.

[sheriff] Where is he at?

In the saloon, across the road.

[man] Well, let's go after him!

[angry chatter]

[gunshot]

[upbeat music]

Yeah!

Let's go, Josephine.

If they catch us, we're going to die here!

[man] Hey, Sheriff. I got to go!

[men chatting]

[men groaning]

[man] Oh, I can't hold it!

[passing gas]

[upbeat music continues]

Whoa. We made it, Josephine.

Whoa, we made it!

Whoa, whoa.

We're in a mess.

We lost our puppet, the gramophone, the mattress.

[sighs] Well, it couldn't have been worse.

I must've put the castor oil in it instead of glycerin.

That's it.

I guess I do too much reading.

Makes me absent minded.

[whistles]

Well.

Well, they say literature is good for nothing,

but it sure saved my life.

[groans]

[creaks]

Huh, an Indian cemetery.

Sure fell into some nice company.

Anyway,

it's better than that sheriff and his posse.

The dead don't bother me at all.

Hey!

[man groans]

[Napoleon gasps]

[voice] "La Vida es Sueno."Bah!

[groans]

Ah, a little drink! That's what I need.

[gasps]

[inaudible]

[voice] Ah!

[dramatic music]

Where'd he come from?

Hey, I needed that whisky for my miracle potion!

Great. Really great stuff.

The best I've had since I'm dead.

Hey, cut it out.

Save your prayers for your own dead.

Please, my boy...

You want to ruin me?

Don't say your prayers in my presence.

Or you'll send me right back to paradise.

I ain't ready for that yet.

But excuse me, who are you anyway?

I am Davey Crockett.

You must be glad to meet me, huh, kid?

But Davey Crockett's dead.

Oh, I see you heard of me then.

Yeah, sure. I died not far from here.

At the Alamo.

And my Indian friends buried me in here.

You finally came along to liberate my soul.

By the way, who are you?

Napoleon.

Well, then,

you're dead, too?

[Napoleon] Well, really, I ain't that...

[Davey] And what are you doing in America?

I was born here.

Napoleon B. Higgins is my full name.

Oh, I was wondering.

How come you got a name like that?

My father fought with a French emperor

as a young man.

He was Captain of the Guard and..

And for sentimental reasons,

he named me after the emperor.

What is this?

Uh, miracle potion for long life.

I don't think you're interested.

Besides, this batch didn't come out [inaudible]

I went wrong on the formula.

It loosens the body, so to speak.

[laughs]

Mine? It sure would be difficult.

Hey, this is not bad, really.

I see you got brains, kid!

Listen, after you leave here, where are you heading for?

I don't know. I run into some trouble and...

Ah, then you can do me a favor.

Might even be a good deal for you.

There's an old lady that lives real close to here.

And I got to talk to her.

Why don't you do so?

Well, if I appear before her, at her age,

she'd have a fit, I don't want her to do that.

She's a good friend of mine.

Besides, she only speaks Spanish.

And what makes you think I speak Spanish?

[Napoleon] Who told you?

[laughs]

From the book you were reading, sweetie pie.

There. "La Vida es Sueno."

Life is a dream.

It ain't that I don't speak Spanish.

It's just that my manners ain't quite fittin' for a lady.

Anyway, we could go part of the way together.

I really--I don't know.

You know, it's stupid.

People are afraid of ghosts.

We ain't in the least dangerous.

Sorry. I didn't think it'd go off like that.

Here, take good care of it.

It's a gorgeous weapon.

It's a Far Cry from the shit fires

we used in my day.

And we sure used some at the Alamo.

Ah, by the way, what about getting a good sleep?

I imagine you're tired.

Hey.

That's a strange way to go to sleep.

[laughs]

Sleep dreams. We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Reclining Bull, the light, please.

[Napoleon] Wonder what I did last night.

I didn't drink anything, that's for sure.

My head's about to burst.

[inaudible]

Life is a dream. That's it!

I dreamt it all.

After that close call in town yesterday,

my dream could only have been a nightmare.

Cheer up, Josephine.

The worst is over with.

[ominous music]

Look down there, Paco.

He looks like a merchant to me.

Of whisky, I'd say.

Even if he hasn't any money.

He can abide us a drink of whiskey, eh?

My throat, she is dry.

Paco, you'll be drunk very soon.

[speaking Spanish]

[shouting]

[Garcia] Hey, hombre.

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, don't make such a face.

What you take us for?

Oh, we frightened you?

I'm so sorry.

Muchachos are a little bored, si.

So we want to play a little game.

Right?

-You answer, right? -Right.

Right. Hear that, hombres?

El chicoagrees.

Well, well, we'll play a nice little game.

It's called "Cato you el raton."

We're the cats,

and you're the rat, Right?

You answer! Right?

-Right. -Right.

It goes like this.

You get down off the wagon,

and start running, and we chase after you.

And if you fall down, the hombre nearest shoots you.

After this,

if you like the game,

you get back up and start running again.

Simple, no?

After the tenth time, we change. Why not?

We run [inaudible] right?

-Right. -Right.

[Davey] Up with your hands.

It ain't right with me. I don't like this game.

The first Mexican that moves will get

"Que Viva Mexico" written on his ass

with his gun.

Don't turn around.

Now listen, boy. Give these depraved sons-of-guns

a bottle each of that miracle beverage

of yours.

[Garcia chuckles]

Come on, move. Move!

You go ahead and drink. Drink up, muchachos.

It's on the house.

Come on, muchachos. Drink!

Yo better beat it now, boy.

Go on, boy. Get out of here.

Yes, right.

Giddy up, Josephine.

Get out of here.

[Garcia chuckles]

Now, then, boys.

Drink it up there.

Come on, boys. Pick it up.

Now, since you already got something to drink,

I'll take this right here.

[dramatic music]

Madre de Dios!Maybe the sun,

she is too strong.

What am I talking about?

That gringo's played a trick on us!

Hey! [speaking Spanish]

[all groaning]

You're nothing but a lot of shit-the-pants.

I'm afraid you're right, Garcia.

[all groaning]

[yells in pain]

We got a ghost, too.

[Davey] Stop, Napoleon!

[neighs]

-Who's there? -It's me.

Oh, no, that man fool's back again.

[Davey] Damn fool, you say!

[chuckles]

Hey, you could be polite, my boy.

After all, I was a senator.

You went and forgot about me

and the favor I asked you to do for me.

Hope I didn't frighten you.

Once I was considered good looking.

It's not that. I remembered everything.

But I was hoping it was all a dream.

I saved you from the Mexicans.

But if you prefer playing that game of theirs...

No, I'm with you. But I ain't used to...well...

Those like you...

I mean you can appear and disappear as you like.

You're right.

And I can make myself seen by who I want, if I like.

Now you can see me while other can't.

Ghosts! Don't you know the legend?

When a cowboy dies, he goes and takes his place

in the great cavalcade of the Horse riders of the Sky.

But you're here, not in the sky.

Oh, let's skip it. I'm getting so confused.

Listen, here, boy, all you got to do

is talk to this old lady friend of mine.

Afterwards, you can go where you like.

It ain't much I'm asking. Like that dirty Mexican said:

Right?

-Right. -Very good.

See that house down yonder? That's where Katie lives.

You'll like this lady.

A real sweetheart of a woman.

Yes, sir. She really is.

So lively...so friendly.

[gunshot]

Friendly?

You people change in your old age.

But I'll take care of it.

[gunshot]

Where'd you go?

Davey!

Davey!

No, grannie.

Abuela! Abuelita!

[laid back music]

Don't be afraid!

Don't be afraid!

You shouldn't be afraid! I'm a friend.

[Davey chuckles]

Oh! Oh!

I said I was a friend!

Grannie!

Well, I'll be!

Downright pretty!

Oh, you dirty pig!

Well, you sure look young for your age.

What do you mean by that?

Aren't you supposed to only speak Spanish?

And why should I?

That's what he told me.

And who is this "he"?

A friend of mine. Oh!

[yells]

You satisfied now?

Go ahead, boy. Explain it all. Go on.

-Or do you want me-- -No. No, no, wait.

Ma'am, I don't mean any harm.

My name's Napoleon.

Oh, no.

Napoleon B. Higgins.

I only wanted to say a few words to Mrs. Katie.

[Napoleon] Really...believe me.

Ah. It's no use.

She won't listen to me.

[Davey] You don't know how to handle women.

You don't mean to do it the hard way, do you?

[Davey] I'll show you how it's done.

No, no! Davey, wait!

[yells]

[laughs]

When you said your name was Napoleon,

I thought you were crazy.

Now, I'm sure of it.

The blame is all... Oh, skip it...

Listen. I came here to see Mrs. Katie.

Me, too.

Katie's my grandmother.

I came to live with her, but she went to Dusty City.

I can't understand why she isn't back yet.

She said in the note she'd be away for one day,

uh, two at the most.

I found the note on the shelf.

Would you mind waiting for me while I put something on?

You know, the strangest thing happened to me

when I was shooting at you.

My blouse and my skirt fell right off me.

You rascal! Who made you senator?

[Davey] That's right, boy.

What are you talking about?

Nothing, forget it.

I suggest you wait just a minute before dressing.

I want to check to make sure

there's no one in the house first.

Thank you. But there's no one, I assure you.

No?

Excuse me.

Get out of here!

Get out of here!

Oh, I'm glad you're here. I mean it.

I don't feel safe all alone in this house.

You see,

I heard there was a Mexican band operating these parts.

I was afraid.

That's why I started shooting when I saw you.

I'm sorry.

I ran into them a while ago.

Real mean people.

They were about a dozen and they were out to kill me.

[gasps] Oh.

What's wrong? Does hearing this bother you?

Look!

I don't know what effect it has on the seniorita, amigo

but it makes my blood boil.

You and your damn tricks.

Put your hands in the air.

Paco, take care of her.

-Take it easy. -[yells]

You wanted to poison us

with that goddam potion of yours, huh?

I had nothing to do with it.

You're making a mistake. It was Davey!

-Davey. -You lie.

You were alone.

But I tell you, it was Davey!

Davey!

Well, then...

You'll have to pay for this Davey, too.

Whoever he is.

No! No!

[Garcia] Shut up!

Stay where you are.

-Throw your guns down. -Senior.

-Get up. -Don't shoot, gringo.

Rose, you stay here. This ain't for a lady.

Er, uh, we were just playing.

Hands up.

[Paco] Little fun, you know.

-Little-- -Outside.

Come on. Outside.

Out.

You came here because you like the potion so much

and you want to drink some more.

No. Oh, no...

What's that?

And I will satisfy your wish.

A bottle for you.

Drink...drink.

You, too.

Me too...

But look, amigo. We could die of it.

Sooner or later, it's going to happen.

Drink up!

[gulps]

I have to go!

But amigo...

Paco, Paco.

Get on your horse if you can make it!

Paco! Paco, get your horse!

And you. You son of a puta.

One of these days,

I'm going to catch up with you!

And when I do, I will-I will-ugh...

[speaking Spanish]

[passes gas]

[Davey laughs]

Hey, big boy.

For a Napoleon, you're a pretty mean feller.

Ah, so you're here. How nice.

Now, where were you when I needed you?

Looking the place over for something to drink.

What if they killed me, huh? What if they killed me?

How you carry on.

When do we leave? I suggest right away.

Listen, will ya'?

You want to stop telling me what I got to do?

Well, if you want to stay here until they come back

with the others, do as you please.

[Napoleon] Rosie?

Rosie!

[laughs]

Rosie?

Rosie?

You were... You were magnificent.

Oh, thank you.

I was afraid really...

These rifles on the walls are...

Are always unloaded.

Thank God they didn't notice it.

[gunshot] [yells]

What an aim!

Well, I get by.

You deserve a prize.

I'm sure grannie wouldn't mind.

Here, let's celebrate.

Oh, no, no. After all...

I--

What's the matter?

I'm hungry.

I'll see if there's some cheese.

Grannie always keeps some around.

[gulping]

[Davey] Hey!

[Davey chuckles]

Oh, heavens to Betsy!

You're the greatest drinker I've ever seen.

My dear father used to always say

there was only one man who could drink this way,

Davey Crockett.

A great man. We really should say a prayer for his soul.

How about that? The whole shelf collapsed.

Guess it wasn't placed very well.

I wonder what grannie will say.

Speaking of grannie,

I think we better get away from here.

Go away? But why?

Well, those Mexicans might return with the whole gang.

Oh, no.

I don't mean to frighten you, but...

I don't think this is the best place

to spend the night.

I don't know how to thank you, Napoleon.

Without you...

[soft music]

-[Davey belches] -Oh!

Did you hear that?

Must be the cat.

No.

It sounded more like a coyote.

Sure, a coyote is more like it.

Well, I'll go get ready.

You're making a mistake taking it so hard.

I was only trying to be helpful. That's all.

You should return to that tomb and stay there forever.

I'd be careful, boy, if I was you.

You kissed that girl like you had matrimony

in mind, that's for sure.

I was watching real good.

[Napoleon] You Peeing Tom.

You're as good as cooked.

I guess I better start looking for some rice

for the wedding day.

If you really want to know,

I intend to accompany the young lady

to the railroad station.

And then be on my merry way.

Do as you like.

But it's a real shame.

I was thinking of making you my partner

on that treasure deal.

A treasure?

What treasure you talking about?

Oh, nothing.

Just a treasure.

What kind of treasure.

Explain yourself.

Oh, some stuff a merchant buried around here

before he got killed at Alamo.

Anyway, so long, friend.

Best of luck to you.

I guess I'll have to talk to the old lady myself.

Hey, listen. Davey, wait. Wait!

A treasure. A real treasure!

Thank you, Napoleon.

That's very kind of you.

But I...

Oh, yes. You're a treasure.

A very precious at that.

[laid back music]

That poisoner's back.

We'll settle with him.

He ain't going to get away this time.

[chatter]

Here are the tickets.

You mean to say you're coming too?

Yeah.

You know, I decided I'd like to meet your grandma.

She really must be a treasure.

What's wrong?

Nothing, let's hurry.

Let's get him.

[trumpet music]

Dammit!

Right this way, Miss.

I can do it.

Here, let me help you.

See you later.

This is for the young lady's lunch.

And this is for you.

Take good care of her.

Our policy is to treat all our customers well, sir.

Anyway, I'll do my best.

The gentleman's not eating?

No, thank you. I'm on a diet.

Pardon me.

Would you like to order, Miss?

-Thank you. -Not a problem.

Oh, Mortimer! Welcome aboard, Mr. Mortimer.

This way, sir.

This is fine.

There you are, Mr. Mortimer.

It's a great honor to have you with us again.

May I?

-[Rosie] Certainly. -Thank you.

May I have the honor of having you as my guest?

No thank you. It's already payed for.

Oh, I'm sorry. If you allow me,

I hope to invite you

to something after lunch perhaps.

[leisurely music]

[Davey whistles]

Hey!

Where are you?

Up here on the roof getting some fresh air.

What's up?

Oh, nothing.

My finances forced me to let Rose eat alone

and there's a jerk of a lady-killer

playing the fool.

I would've gladly bashed him in the nose.

But I'm afraid Rose will think I was a brute.

Ah, listen. There's something I want to tell you.

About the treasure.

I want to make a deal with you. Davey?

Davey?

Where the hell did he go now?

I wonder what he's up to.

[Davey] Let's have a look at this lady-killer.

Ah, whiskey.

Waiter, I'll order for theses. Thank you very much.

Uh, waiter. I want a steak. Medium rare.

Not too raw, not too cooked.

I can't stand the sight of blood.

I'll be with you in a few seconds, sir.

[Mortimer] Fine.

[Davey] Whiskey.

Thanks....

I'll keep that in mind.

You ordered three whiskeys?

Here you are, sir.

You could've given us a little bit more

while you're at it, couldn't you?

Excuse me.

[inaudible]

This lobster is for Mr. Mortimer.

Give us some of our special sauce.

That's fine.

You're foolish not to listen to me.

I'm a gentleman.

I know everybody in Dusty City.

I can be useful to you.

Ah, here we are at last.

I'd like you to taste a specialty

that on this train they prepare only for me.

Our sauce is ready.

Mr. Mortimer, would you like me to prepare it?

No, thank you. I'll do it.

Obviously, it's only a lobster.

But the sauce is my own special recipe,

which the chef prepares divinely,

is so exquisite.

[waiter] Yes, right away, sir.

[screams]

Get this thing off!

I'm sorry.

I'll tell them in the kitchen you prefer it more cooked.

Take it away!

-To the kitchen. -Yes, sir.

Please excuse me.

Let's drink on it.

Surely you won't refuse some champagne.

[man] Waiter.

The roast-beef.

That's a wise choice, sir.

I hope you'll have champagne.

Right. Gentlemen.

Oh? Huh?

-Such common people. -Get to work then!

Excuse me!

Some champagne, then.

It's French, you know.

[Davey] Stop right there.

That's it.

I don't understand. The champagne must be flat.

Oh, my goodness!

I'm so sorry, sir.

-It's alright. -Champagne doesn't spray, sir.

[laughing]

[speaking French]

Immediately, sir.

[speaking French]

-Give me an omelet. -That's more like it.

[Spanish music]

[Garcia] Let's show those gringos

exactly who we are!

To the attack!

It's about time!

Here we are, sir.

Proceed.

No surprises this time, Mr. Mortimer.

This I personally guarantee.

Omelet worthy of a great chef.

[Davey chuckles]

Le rhum!

No, allow me. You may go now.

In your honor, Miss.

[explosion]

[chatter]

[Mortimer] Don't you know who I am?

You fellows know who that dude is?

I don't know. I ain't never seen him before.

Well, we finally have what we haven't.

A drink.

[dramatic music]

-[inaudible] -It's about time.

[gunshots]

Bandits! Everyone on the floor!

Oh, what a gorgeous young man!

He shot at me!

Rosie! Get out of the way!

Rosie!

Oh, Napoleon! You're here at last!

-What's going on? -Just a little shooting.

You stay here, and I'll see you later.

[Spanish music continues]

[yelling]

[inaudible]

Okay, it's all over.

Get in here. Put your hands up.

[groans]

I always have to do the dirty work.

[inaudible]

[yelling]

[gasps]

I have to go take care of the others.

[gunshots]

[inaudible]

Oh, Napoleon!

Napoleon is dead, so I'll call you Josephine.

[gunshots]

[speaking Spanish]

Onwards!

Those damn Mexicans.

I'll take care of them for that.

Stay here. Don't move.

[Davey] Damn sons of cayotes. Hey!

Here. Have a drink!

[yelling]

[chatter]

Come on, muchachos.

The first one on the train will get a bottle of tequila!

Damn gringo.

It's not possible.

[inaudible]

[train horn]

[cheering]

[man] You won't believe how brave he was.

He fought off all the bandits single-handedly.

What the hell's going on?

Some young fellow who was on the train

when the Mexican bandits attacked.

Fought them off single-handed.

Thank you. Thank you.

[dramatic music]

[chatter]

Afternoon, sir.

I'd like a nice room for the young lady

and one for me.

I'll pay you tomorrow after I go to the bank.

Whatever you want, sir.

It's an honor to have you with us.

Sign here, please.

[Rosie] Thank you for everything.

Bonnie.

If you don't mind, I'll call you Bonnie.

It's much shorter.

Nothing you might say or do displeases me.

Anyway, Bonnie.

I'll go ahead. I can't stand on my feet any longer.

Yeah, of course.

[clerk] Boy, accompany the lady to room 14.

[laid back music]

I can't stand on my feet any longer.

[belches]

I heard you, sir. You have a great baritone voice.

Room 15.

[clerk] Ha!

No wonder he took those bandits on single handed.

He's looney.

He thinks he's Napoleon.

Hey, George. Have you seen--

You must not just call me George, my friend.

You must call me by my full name:

George Washington.

You know this hotel is filled with great personalities.

If you should see Julius Caesar,

give my compliments to him.

Yes, sir. I'll go see if he's around town.

[bell hop] Paging Mr. Julius Caesar.

Attention, Mr. Caesar.

-Put this in my room. -Yes, sir.

Here's the key.

-Sir? -See you later.

[bartender] Excuse me, sir. Would you like a drink?

[Davey] Mm.

Just one.

Won't you have a drink?

I just had it.

[man] Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.

Place your bets.

[man] The wheel is spinning.

[Davey belches]

Good luck.

[Davey] Get over there!

[Davey] Where the hell are you going?

Roulette! Roulette!

[man] Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't play if you don't feel like it.

We don't like to see people go broke.

[man] The wheel is spinning!

Eleven, black.

No, no, no!

Twenty seven, red! The young man's a winner!

[chuckles]

[Carradine] Hey, look.

It's 36 dollars.

Might come in handy in your old age.

You better be careful.

[Davey] Hey, what are you doing?

Bet it all!

[man] The wheel is spinning. No more bets, please.

It's spinning.

Number two, black.

No, just a second! Twenty seven, red!

The young man wins again!

[chatter]

[Carradine] Well, now...

Roulette is a mere game of luck, friend.

No skill involved.

My bet's you're not so good at playing an intelligent game.

Like poker, for example.

Why not?

I'd be happy to let you win some of your money back.

[men laughing]

Very funny, friend.

But I'll take you at your word.

We need some players.

Hell, I'll play.

-I'll play. -Sit down. I will.

Is that alright with you?

Sure. That's alright with me.

Careful, son. I'm the undertaker.

[chatter]

What's going on here?

Let me through.

[Davey] Come on, boy. Open the bet. There.

I open.

I stay.

I fold.

-I fold. -I'll stay.

Cards?

Why the hell did you do that?

Hey, what are you doing?

That wasn't me!

One.

Uh, a hundred dollars.

Friend, that's 300.

Alright.

Anyway, to see my cards, it'll take double that.

Six hundred.

Pass.

Alright.

Put the other 300 in.

[Carradine] Okay, boy.

I got four aces.

One,

two, three, four.

[men laughing]

I have four aces. I'm sure of it.

[Davey laughing]

Listen, let's say this hand doesn't count.

If you say that you have four aces,

I don't mind losing...

But I'm very sensitive about having my leg pulled.

Let's play.

[men laughing]

[upbeat music]

I open. One hundred.

I'm staying.

-Stay. -I call a hundred.

Here's my money.

Cards?

I'll have two.

Three.

One.

One.

I'll take three for myself.

[gunshot]

[Carradine] Shall we play or not?

Five hundred.

I fold.

-Fold. -I fold.

Make it a thousand. It's only fair. I'm winning.

Two thousand in.

Wise guy.

[Napoleon] Alright.

-What do you have? -A pair of queens.

That ain't enough.

I got four kings.

[man] Five, six, seven, eight...

It makes it easier to play with eight cards.

Why don't you play with them all, Carradine?

[laughing]

Well, to me, it's all the same. You win, no?

I already warned you not to be funny with me.

This is the last time I'm telling you.

Let's get on with the game.

I swear I had five cards.

Yeah, the other three were put there by a ghost.

[Napoleon] Look, this isn't funny, really.

I also think it must have been a ghost.

[Carradine] Shut up our you'll soon

turn into a ghost.

Three hundred.

I stay.

I stay.

Stay.

I see that you're nothing but two weaklings.

Two jerks.

But boss, I'm telling you the truth.

The man's a devil.

It is not possible to whip him.

Ah!

It's like he gets help from some mysterious source.

Mysterious source, my ass!

Don't make me laugh.

There's not a living man I've seen

that cannot be done away with.

[Paco] You may be right, boss,

but you see, he's never in the right spot

at the moment you attack.

Just give the orders

and we'll take care of the rest.

Tonight...

go to his hotel.

While he's sleeping,

all you got to do is step in and kill him.

And there'll be no devil there trying to help him.

Okay, boss.

It won't take much coaxing to make me kill that bastard!

Yeah, me, too.

Alright, then do it, you idiot.

[inaudible]

Oh, another thing. The gold.

The train you were supposed to get...

is going to be in town until the day after tomorrow.

So, tomorrow morning...

[Davey chuckles]

-Check. -Check.

I bet a thousand.

I'll see that.

Fold.

-Fold. -I fold.

We're waiting for you, boy.

I have only...

Four aces?

Before I take the pot, I want to say something.

Someone mentioned a ghost.

Well, he really exists.

He's dishonest, a swindler, and a cheater.

His name is Davey.

Get up on your feet.

But I'm really serious. Believe me.

Me, too.

The fact is, my name is Davey Carradine.

And I'm going to make you swallow what you just said.

Stand up.

[Napoleon] But listen, please.

If you'd only let me explain.

Explain it to the likes of you in hell!

The guns!

If you want, I'll give you your money back.

Take your money and clear out.

[chatter]

[upbeat music]

[Davey] Hold it.

[screaming]

[man] Are you hurt?

He hit my hand!

[Napoleon] Is that my room?

No, it's the one on your left.

Let's take el dinero.The money.

No.

Now, let's go.

I knew it. You even made a cheat out of me.

I actually robbed that poor guy!

How do you like that?

I'm a robber. A cheap thief!

[Davey] [inaudible]

May I come in?

What's that stuff?

The whiskey you ordered, sir.

When you passed through the lobby.

You said three bottles, no glasses.

'Gotta wash my teeth'. You said so.

Take it away. I don't want it.

Hey, wait.

Leave it.

Just the bait for a trap I have in mind.

Here. Keep the change.

This is a hundred dollars, sir.

Doesn't matter.

It's stolen money anyway.

That's true enough, sir.

[waiter] Carradine is nothing but a cheat and a robber.

Even though he's my boss.

We're all glad you taught him a lesson tonight.

[Davey gulping]

Well, I fell into your trap.

But I deserved it. I made you rich.

You mean you helped me steal all this money.

I'm not proud as it is.

Oh, come on, now!

You heard what the waiter said, didn't you?

It worries me. Really, Davey.

I feel like a snake for what we did.

And everybody else, instead, thinks different about it.

It is possible I'm wrong?

I wouldn't say you're wrong.

It's just that the world's cockeyed!

But if you make up your mind to live in it,

you got to make some sacrifices.

The money compensates for sacrifices.

[Garcia] Listen.

There's someone with him.

[Napoleon] What are your plans now?

I'll tell you what to do.

Tomorrow, you go find Katie with the help

of that pretty granddaughter of hers,

and with your smooth talking.

The sure the both of you won't have any trouble

about bringing the conversation around.

You talking about the treasure.

[Napoleon] The treasure!

That's it! It's about time you explained.

[Garcia] The treasure!

[Davey] I ain't going to do that.

[Garcia] Do you hear that?

Lo mato?

[Davey] Come on, boy. What did you expect?

Now I think I'll just leave through this window here.

La ventana!

Baja!

Quick!

Don't let him get away!

[Davey] Then we can go dig up the treasure

and then each his own merry way.

[Davey] Oh, come on now.

Don't make such a sad face.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye-bye.

Now that you're rich,

you can dream all you want about the girl.

Oh, I envy you.

She's real pretty.

[Davey] Oh, excuse me, amigo.

Being invisible, I didn't see you.

[chuckles]

Oh, you're still awake?

I would say so. Is something wrong?

Yeah, I'd say so.

Listen, Rosie.

I want to tell you something.

Davey says it, too.

Well, from the very first moment, I...

Well, do you understand?

Frankly, no.

Well, I...

Now, I understand.

Go on, get to bed, sweetheart.

What are you doing standing here in the doorway

in your night dress?

You'll catch a cold.

Good night, my love.

Good night.

[romantic music]

Oh, very good. Very good.

Perfect.

You look as if you stepped out out of a display window.

Perfect!

Oh, just a minute. I'll look for another had for you.

[Davey chuckles]

Hey, how do you like this hat, eh?

Hey, boy. I'm talking to you.

Give me that. He's coming back.

[woman] May I?

-Who are you talking to, sir? -Me?

Oh, nobody. I'm a ventriloquist.

Oh, a ventriloquist!

Oh, would you do it again for me, please?

But, now, really...

Oh, come on. Just once more.

[Davey] Anyone ever tell you you're a good-looking gal?

Oh, wonderful!

Oh, please.

Go on. Do some more.

[Davey] Hey, sweetie-pie.

You ever heard of the big, bad wolf?

[Davey] The big bad wolf bites!

[yells]

I've run into types like you before.

Real men.

And speaking of wolves,

I want you to tell me something.

How did you pinch me and get there so soon?

Don't tell me you leap like a wolf, too?

Well, it's not what you think, I...

[laughs]

Oh, no!

I'm sorry. But that hat doesn't go with that outfit.

Here we are.

This is much better.

It's not for me.

It's for a friend of mine. A senator.

Oh!

If you like.

Yeah, thank you.

[woman] Goodbye, sir.

Good afternoon.

Why, you dirty pig!

Keep your hands where they belong!

[Davey] Ask old Katie if her husband

ever told her about it.

I'm sure he must've. He was such a talker.

He always repeated everything at least a hundred times.

There's something else. I won't be coming with you.

I got to see some people.

See you later.

Hey. What'll I do with your hat?

[Davey whistles]

I have it on.

It ain't bad, eh?

Well, I at least hope the others don't see you.

Who cares, no one knows me in this town.

[chuckles]

But you don't have no legs!

Huh?

Oh!

Hey, your damn hat! Excuse me.

I beg your pardon.

Bonnie. I found out where my grandma is.

Good.

Oh, how silly of me.

I forgot to tell you how handsome you are.

Oh, yeah, well, thank you.

Uh, you were saying about your grandma?

First she came to town.

Then she got sick, so she had to stay here.

She's at the house with some friends.

She's not from here.

[man speaking Spanish]

Thank you.

Cheap skate.

What's that?

Oh, nothing. My senator friend, anyway,

a friend of mine asked me to buy him a top hat.

Well, you know.

-May I? -If you want to.

-I don't understand. -What's wrong?

Why did you buy him a used one?

Well, he's very democratic. Let's go see grandma.

Yeah, she's staying there. Come on.

Come on, in.

[in Spanish] Pablo, how are you?

[chatter]

Oh, grannie.

[speaking Spanish]

I'm so sorry you meet those cabrones de bandidos.

You all alone on the rancho.

[in Spanish] Who is this?

This fellow's dressed like a doll.

[speaks Spanish]

No, no, no, no.

I promised my husband when he died

[speaks Spanish]

Well, let's go and sit down.

You must tell me all about it.

Shoo, get away!

I was dying to see you, really.

Sit down, dear, sit down.

Come and tell me all about it.

Excuse me.

Let me see...

If I was not sure he got killed at el fuerte de Alamo

many years ago,

I would say this hat belongs to--

This hat belongs to Davey.

Davey Crockett.

No, no, grannie. Impossible.

Bonnie bought it for a friend of his, a senator.

Davey tambien was a senator.

He did not deserve such an insult.

Un hombrelike him.

[Rosie] But listen.

How come you didn't return to the farm, grannie?

Well, I'll tell you.

I feel very good when I come to town.

Then this hombregave me a miraculous medicine.

He said try it.

And I try it.

And a miracle happened. I get sick.

Oh, so sick.

[speaks Spanish]

And so I come to these friends of mine.

You must excuse me.

I just remembered I have an appointment.

I'll leave you both alone.

You must have a lot to talk about.

I'll see you later.

This chicolooks muy locoto me.

Eh, nina?

But you love him... Verdad?

Love is blind.

But I can see alright, and I think he's loco.

[speaks Spanish]

Offers us a drink.

He who don't offer to drink, is a spy or else he stink.

[retches]

No, no. Oh!

[choir singing]

Johnny... Come on. Johnny Appleseed.

Come on. I know you're here. I saw you.

Come on. Tell me what's up.

Come on. I'm in a hurry, gosh darn it.

[pig] Hey, watch where you step.

Oh, being a pig makes people

think they can step all over you.

Come on, show yourself. Cut out the funny stuff, Johnny.

You, too, Pecos Bill.

Where are you?

[chicken] Why don't you leave us alone?

I know you're both here. Where are you?

[Bill] Hi, Davey.

You're several years late, eh?

[Johnny] It's about time you showed up.

Why don't you join the Horse riders in the sky?

Well, you know the story of how things went.

The Indians buried me with one of their magic rituals

and I was stuck there until...

But it's already been a few days since you've been freed.

Well, I didn't realize that.

We've been expecting you any day now.

Oh, well. What's a day more or less?

[chuckles]

Nice fellow, that friend of yours, Davey.

Listen, here, Pecos Bill.

If you want to preach your morality to me,

I'll go along.

I know you and your fixation on your Horse riders in the sky,

but leave the boy alone.

Johnny, you tell Bill he doesn't enter into this.

I was with you on the wagon

when you told him about the treasure.

Oh, doggone it.

You see? We know all about it.

Only you and Johnny, I hope.

At least for now.

Hey, what is it you want anyway?

A part of the treasure.

Oh, no!

I'll continue planting my apple trees

and keep my mouth shut.

And I won't tell the committee of the Horse riders in the Sky

that you're up and around and haven't presented yourself

because you're looking for a treasure.

But this is blackmail!

[horse] Of course, it's blackmail.

You only just caught on?

You really surprise me, Davey!

Mexican bandits!

Let's get the gold back!

-[dramatic music] =[gunshots]

[Paco] Garcia? Garcia?

Hombre, you still with the--

Put him inside, tied up.

While I'm outside [inaudible]

You're lucky, Paco, that you do not drink.

[inaudible]

[Smith] My dear friend.

I think you're in a fine mess.

Garcia here is hot-tempered and he's got it against you.

I can understand why.

You know, he's lost forty pounds since he's met you.

Let me break him into little pieces, boss.

Here that?

He's not putting it on, I can tell you that.

It's an ugly situation, really.

I feel very bad for you.

Well, if you feel that way, you can let me go.

What use am I to you anyway?

You know where the treasure is, don't you now?

[Napoleon] Me? What treasure?

The one you were talking over with your friend

at the hotel last night.

[Napoleon] I assure you you're making a mistake.

I don't know anything about it. It's my friend, Davey.

He knows where it is, if it exists, that is.

My friend is a big fibber.

I insist you tell me where the treasure is.

[Napoleon] It's useless asking me.

I only heard about it.

I told you you should ask Davey.

Davey's your man. Davey!

-Davey. -Alright.

If that's the way you feel, have it your way.

But it's a shame. We could've become friends.

Garcia, are they hot?

Take a look, Garcia. Yes, you!

I'm sorry to have to resort to such means,

but you asked for it, you're too stubborn.

[laughs]

In a few seconds,

they'll be so tender you could chew on them.

[Smith] Let's not overdo it.

But let's see how our hero holds up.

You're a boy with guts.

And You've got a lot of sense, too.

[Garcia] I hope he don't have too much.

[laughs]

[Smith] Well, shut up, and start!

[Garcia] I'd like to have some fun.

[searing]

[wails]

[Smith] What's the matter with you?

Get to work!

I said shut up, you idiot!

Paco! You take over!

Si, senior.

You make up your mind.

You've still got time. It's your last chance to talk.

[Napoleon] Why don't you ask Davey?

[inaudible]

[Smith] You blundering idiots!

Good for nothing! I can't trust anyone.

You idiots!

I should have you hung up by your feet

and skin you alive!

You stupide [inaudible] Do something!

Come on! Get moving! Do something quick!

Take him down!

And watch out, his hands are untied.

[Smith] You goddam imbeciles!

[gunshot]

[chatter]

[inaudible]

[chatter]

Come on, bring him outside.

And keep an eye on him, Garcia. You understand that?

[Garcia] Yes, boss.

[chatter]

Davey.

[speaking Spanish]

[chatter]

We got the gold.

[inaudible]

Well then?

I already told you.

I don't know anything about this treasure.

Alright, you asked for it.

While we're waiting for your memory to come back,

the firing squad will take care of you.

And this will put an end to it all.

[speaking Spanish]

What is this?

Did I hear you're looking for a hidden treasure?

Who are you?

Answer my question, hombre.

And you, chico.

When you speak about this Davey,

Davey Crockett, oh, that son of a--

Granny!

He was a friend of my husband.

Bueno. Entonces,

if I tell you where the treasure is,

you free the chico, yes?

Yes.

We'll go by train.

Free the chico.

Uh-uh. Only after we find the treasure.

He's lying! [speaking Spanish]

I think we have no other choice.

Let them kill me!

Don't tell him nothing!

Bonnie!

Don't try to get smart, friend.

Or I'll kill you.

And the old lady and the girl, as well.

You can safely wait here for your girl.

Take care of him.

Bring the woman along.

[speaking Spanish]

I'll see you later.

It'll take some time to get the train engine started.

So in the meantime,

keep the town people at a distance.

Bonnie!

And shoot that imbecile,

regardless of what I said to the old lady.

[speaking in Spanish]

[chatter]

[Garcia] Stand up, boy!

This time, we won't waste any time.

Right? Right?

Right.

Louder! Right?

-Right! -Right.

Vamanos, amigos!

[speaking Spanish]

Don't be sad. Smile! Smile! Look at me.

I'm smiling!

[speaking Spanish]

[laughs]

It's a happy moment.

Right?

[speaking Spanish]

Just what I need.

Shut the damn door.

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

Platoon, present arms!

Smile, gringo.

It's all in your honor as if you are a great general.

[laughs]

Gringo, aren't you happy?

He isn't happy.

What do you want?

Ah, maybe he wants to express his last wish.

Speak up, chico. What do you want?

[Napoleon] Caviar.

[Garcia] Caviar hell, you're a goddam fool.

Ready, aim, bye-bye. Fire!

[explosion]

[gunshots]

[Davey] That's it.

Thank you.

[speaking Spanish]

You'll find guns in the trunk there.

[Napoleon] Did you put them there?

Yep.

[upbeat music]

The way you're shooting,

we ain't going to get very far.

[gunshot]

[speaking Spanish]

He's hiding in there! Fire!

He's very slippery.

Huh?

He's slippery, I said.

Huh?

He's very slippery, I said!

You're just finding that out?

Hey, begone!

[Paco] Hey, boss.

Look what I bring.

You, go up on the roof and throw this dynamite inside.

That damn fool gringo will come out fast enough.

-Go! -Andele!

Si, senior.

That damn gringo is one dead [inaudible]

[yells]

Gringo, stick your head out again!

You will pay for that.

Put the dynamite now!

[explosion]

[Paco] Wait for me!

[inaudible]

I wait for nobody!

Good heaves, not another one.

I'm Johnny Appleseed. You seen Davey?

[Davey] Here I am.

Those darn bandits have stolen the train

and getting away with the gold.

We gotta stop them.

They won't get very far.

Percos Bill has mined the bridge over the canyon.

Once they're on it,

they'll explode in the air.

Oh, no, dammit.

Rosie and Katie are on that train.

They'll blow up, too!

So what?

Apart from the fact that mortals think different

about these things,

the old lady knows where the treasure is.

No, no, no. You can't go out that way.

If the crowd blocks you, it's goodbye train.

Best leave through here.

Go ahead, boy. Out the window.

Steal a horse and ride to the canyon.

Okay.

We'll meet you there.

Are you one of us?

Mm-hm.

Then you got to wear the appropriate outfit

according to legend.

[groans]

You really want me to go around dressed like that?

What can I say,

I look like a scarecrow.

Don't look bad after all, does it?

[inaudible] We want something to drink!

[waiter] Yes, sir.

...then we got our horses and caught up with you.

And that is all, boss.

That's all? That's all!

You mean to tell me you let that quack get away again?

God-dammit!

Well, let's forget all about it.

After all, we got the gold,

the old hen, and the young girl.

We'll force her to talk, politely, of course,

since thanks to her, we'll get awfully rich.

As for the gringo,

he can't possibly catch up with us.

Ever again.

[Johnny singing]

[whistles]

[Smith] Listen. Prepare me a tortilla and marmalade.

[speaking Spanish]

Right away, sir.

[speaking Spanish]

What was that?

The usual.

[man] Manuel, how is the steam?

[Manuel] It is good.

[man] Bueno, bueno.

It's about time.

[speaking Spanish]

Here we are, sir.

You stupid idiot!

Why is the train stopping?

What's going on here?

[soft guitar music]

Hey! Hey, boss!

There are some trees in the way.

Well, get rid of them!

But they're growing right inside the tracks.

That's impossible.

They weren't there yesterday.

Get busy!

Use dynamite to blow those damn trees away!

You idiot!

Some people! Some people.

[men speaking Spanish]

[Johnny] Bill! Bill!

Hey! Bill! Bill!

Bill, don't blow the bridge up!

It's ready!

No, no!

[Bill] Can't hear you!

I ain't got time to explain. Don't blow the bridge up!

[Bill] It'll be a beautiful explosion!

[upbeat music]

Bonnie!

Get grandma back.

Thank heavens you're still alive!

[men speaking Spanish]

You better take cover! Make it snappy!

This is all we needed.

You two go now.

-Leave me here. -No, no!

-They won't harm me. Go now. -No.

Here is too dangerous. I've got to do something.

Bonnie, be careful!

Everything is ready, senior.

Get out of the way.

[Garcia] El gringo! El gringo!

Get him!

Here, take it.

It's about to explode,

I'd get rid of it if I was you.

Put it under the couplings there.

Good. Underneath.

[Davey] Yeah, that's it.

[explosion]

What the hell's going on?

[Smith] I'll run into you again, you damn gringo!

I'll find you even if I have to go to hell to look for you!

Oh, whisky.

Who are you?

[laughs]

You're taking advantage of me because you're a ghost!

If you were a real man, [inaudible]

You happy?

So long, boys.

See you around real soon!

[explosion]

[funeral music]

[Garcia] Si, Paco. Very slippery.

[Paco] Si, senior.

I forgot to tell you.

The bridge was mined.

Oh, shit!

[upbeat music]

[man] Napoleon sure got himself a pretty wife, eh?

He sure knows how to pick them!

He knows how to look for treasure, too.

Davey Crockett's treasure was a thousand kegs of whisky.

Yeah, but he thought they were full of gold!

What gold! Davey couldn't give a gosh darn about gold.

He was capable of crossing the entire country on foot

for a swig of booze.

A toast to good ole Davey!

I'll go along with that!

Hey, what happened to my whisky?

Hey, what is this, eh?

[men burping]

Yes, right away.

The customers are behaving very well,

but that ghost friend is exaggerating.

-He's exaggerating? -Uh-huh. He pinches.

I said, "Davey, you old son of a gun,

it's only water."

He made such a face as if it was poison.

-Salute. -[gunshot]

Somebody took my whiskey.

Come on now.

Better go home now.

You can't get drunk, you can't shoot,

you can't do nothing. Ah!

[Napoleon's father] As I was saying,

the Emperor told me: if you ever have a son,

name him after me.

Are you gonna play or not, Higgins?

Besides, you already told us that story a hundred times.

Hey, don't get so upset.

After all, I'm telling you this because I'm proud of my son.

Ugh. What do you have?

Here you are, fellers. Four aces.

I've got five aces.

Ah. I've got six aces.

I win.

No, just a second.

I have eight.

I think someone's cheating.

Oh, no. It's a matter of skill.

As the Emperor used to say--

Oh, not the Emperor again.

Hey, boys. How about some music?

-Right? -Right.

♪ Midnight ghost♪

♪ Who sang in the moonlight♪

♪ sings legends of those Who lived at Alamo♪

♪ Midnight ghost♪

♪ Who played by moonlight♪

♪ Sings to the heroes♪

♪ Of a world That died at Alamo♪

[ending song]