All language subtitles for Package Deal s01e07 Sheldon Pretends to Be Danny.eng

Absolutely. The owner
of this place loves me.

I spent thousands on gifts
for Alison here. Thousands!

- Thousands...
- I just hope he knows what he's doing.

Kim's had this tea set
since she was a little girl.

It's the only thing of her grandmother's
that survived the fire.

She was a smoker.

Relax, man. I'm not
gonna let you botch this

like you've botched all your other
girlfriends' birthday presents.

I don't botch
my girlfriends' presents.

Do you remember the "extra-large panty"
fiasco of '09?

The salesgirl said
those "ran small."

Look. Don't worry
about it, buddy.

That's why I'm here. Okay?
This is a big day, Danny.

I know. Kim's first birthday
since we've been together.

What? No. This
is the first time

I've been back in the store
since Alison left me.

Boy, I gotta say, it feels so good
to finally be over her.

Mr. White!

Where have you
been hiding yourself?

You haven't been here since...

Oh, that's right.

Nathan. I'm fine.
Please. Okay?

It's been 487 days!

But who's counting?

Good for you.
So, what do we have here?

Ah, well, my brother
Danny would like

to have this re-plated
for his girlfriend.

Let me take a look here.

It's funny.

Alison was in here
just the other day.

What? Really? I mean...

Really?

So, how'd she look?

At least
a hundred years old.

Yeah! Ha! I told her
to wear sunblock.

Would she listen
to me? No.

No. This. It's a hundred years old.

Alison looked incredible.

Oh. Huh. Well.
Good for her.

You know, it's almost
sad to think of her,

wandering in here
by herself,

picking out
some random trinket

to fill
her empty heart.

Oh, she wasn't alone.
She was with her boyfriend.

- That whore!
- You know, maybe we should wrap this up?

Don't be ridiculous.
I am totally okay.

So who's the, uh, new guy?

- Dr. Irvin.
- Dr. Robert Irvin?

Okay, we should
probably get going.

You know what, here's my credit card.
You can just keep it.

Wait. No. The same Dr. Irvin
who stole Alison? Huh?

The same Dr. Irvin
who shattered my dreams?

The same Dr. Irvin
who ruined my life?

He didn't say.

Maybe it would be
best if you leave.

Dr. Irvin's supposed to come by
this afternoon and pick up a necklace.

- This afternoon?
- Oh, look, Ryan!

A parade.
You gotta see this.

You know what?

I think
I'm gonna hang here for a bit.

Yeah. No, I would love
to meet Dr. Irvin.

Are you sure
you're ready for this?

I mean, you only
got over Alison today.

Are you kidding me?

This is
Dr. Robert Irvin, Danny!

Two Ph.D.'s, a private jet.

His own island in Florida!

No, I can't wait
to get a load of this loser.

Season 1, Episode 7
"Sheldon Pretends to Be Danny"

Synced by err0001 & Reef
www.MY-SUBS.com

- Come on! Please? Give me a hint.
- No.

You're just gonna have to wait
until your birthday.

Besides, you'd never guess.
This present is that good.

Oh, my gosh.
We're going to Paris?

A little less good.

Oh, my gosh.

Stockholm?

- Your dream is a weekend in Stockholm?
- Danny, I'm kidding.

I don't care what you get me.
Is it a puppy?

No!

- Ooh! Extra-large panties?
- Stop talking to Ryan.

- I am so turned on.
- By my birthday?

What are you waiting for?
Dive in.

What's going on,
Danny? Who is this?

"Danny"?

This is my brother.
"Sheldon."

- What?
- You know...

Not the highly
successful criminal lawyer.

That's me. Danny.

Who I am.

So that's Sheldon?
The weirdo who sells caskets?

- Now, I never said he was a weirdo.
- Who the hell are you?

- I'm Danny's girlfriend.
- You have a girlfriend?

No, no, no, no.
She's just my crazy stalker.

Look. I told you. It's over.
Now you're just embarrassing yourself.

- I'm out of here.
- Wait, Stella!

I thought we were gonna
play star witness.

I was just about to make you
crumble under cross-examination!

Goodbye, Danny.

- Bye.
- Bye.

How many times have you
done this before, "Danny?"

Uh, well... there's...

Got the...

Once?

Did you know about this?

Okay, yeah, I knew he used
my apartment to impress girls,

but I didn't know
he was using my identity.

So as long as he uses
his real name,

it's okay for him to have sex
on the sheets I sleep on?

Well, I didn't...
Think of that.

Why did you
pretend to be me?

Come on, Danny.

Casket salesman isn't exactly
the panty-peeler you'd think.

Then why didn't you just
get another job?

I did! I'm a lawyer.

And I tapped into
a whole new vein of girls...

Danny-girls!

Now, don't get me wrong,
Sheldon-girls are still wicked-wild,

but every now and then,

a man's got to be with
a woman whose hair

doesn't smell
like cigarettes and desperation.

Then take them
to your place.

I don't want women
to know where I live!

Sheldon, you can't pretend to be me.
It's creepy!

- And it exploits women.
- And that, too.

You know, I used seven condoms,
and I can only find two.

- Oh!
- Now I need a shower.

Oh, yeah! That's where
the other ones are.

Promise me you will
never do this again.

You know, I paid
for your law degree.

It's only fair that maybe
I get to use it now and again.

It's not a time-share,
Sheldon, it's my life.

Okay. Look.

If it's wrong
to assume someone's identity

just to act out
my sexual perversions,

then sue me!

But just remember...

I am a very competent
criminal lawyer.

Then, when her next birthday rolled
around, and I wasn't invited,

I really started to think
we might have a problem.

Seems to me
that the relationship

turned sour during the trip
to the Bahamas.

You know, there was a distance
between Alison and I on that trip.

She barely texted me
from her suite all week.

You are incredibly insightful.

My talents
are squandered here.

Still, that's no excuse
to steal another man's wife.

I'm gonna teach the good doctor
a lesson in pain.

Oh, yeah?

This sharply-worded poem should really
put his misdeeds in perspective.

If it were me,

I would take a bat
to his head.

Excuse me?

There would be hair
on the walls.

We have
very different styles.

Nice place, Danny.

Oh, yeah. Well, yeah.
It's a little fruity, but I like it.

You know, uh,

clearing crime off the streets
has been pretty good to me.

I thought
you were a defense lawyer.

I defend the truth!

Ooh, Danny.
That's beautiful.

Yeah, yeah, well,
if you like that,

you should see the fancy crap
I have up in the bedroom.

Oh, uh, and could you do me
one little favor, doll?

Could you not call me "Danny"?
It's beginning to creep me out.

Karen?

Where are you?

I, uh... found my gavel.

Oh, crap!

- Oh, crap.
- That's what I said.

Sheldon!
What happened?

Well, it's
a funny story.

Not "ha-ha" funny, but
"you've been robbed" funny.

Ha-ha?

I can't believe this.
They took everything!

They took my camera,
my vinyl collection,

my computer.

So get a smart phone.

How can something like this have
happened?

Well, to be fair, Danny, you did
have some really nice stuff.

It's almost as if
you were asking for it.

Right, and maybe
if I lived in a dump,

you wouldn't have been here
last night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you implying
that I'm responsible for this?

Let's not forget,
I'm a victim here, too.

What did you lose?

Well, some self-respect,
for starters.

And she took my shoes.

Oh, wait. There they are.
False alarm.

I told you not to bring girls
here anymore.

I swear, it was gonna be the last one.
She was a total Danny-girl.

Funny how she turned out to be
more of a Sheldon-girl in the end.

Oh, no.

No, no. No. No!
The tea set.

- They took Kim's tea set!
- So get her a new one.

- It was her grandmother's.
- So tell her to get Kim a new one.

She's dead!

I can't solve death, Danny.

How can you bring a girl you know
nothing about back to my place?

I don't have time to get to know
the girls I bring back to your place.

This tea set means everything to Kim,
and tonight's her birthday.

All right.

- Where did you meet this woman?
- Ah, it was at the recess.

I told her I was having a drink
to celebrate a big case that I won.

Congratulations on that,
by the way.

You need to go to the recess and see
if anyone there knows who she is.

Dammit! I'm due in court.

Look. Meet me there after.

We'll go to the police station
and file a report.

Okay, buddy.
Don't you worry about it.

We're gonna get all your stuff back.
I'm all over it.

Oh, you mean now?

Pretty much.

Okay. Well...

Let...

Oh, I'll just bring this with.

Morning, all.

Nathan. Black coffee.

Three sugars.

Sue, here's
your sugar-free hot chocolate.

We're gonna get you into
that wedding dress on Saturday,

come hell or high water.

And, Pete, your apple fritter,
my friend.

Aw, it's still warm.

I'm telling ya, I got a good feeling
about today, everybody.

I think Dr. Irvin
is finally coming in.

Yep. Fifth day's the charm.

This place won't be
the same without you.

Come on! We'll have
Sue’s wedding on Saturday.

- Dibs on the bridesmaids.
- You got it, captain.

Oh, I'll be right
with you, miss.

Nathan, I got it.

Ah! The sweetheart pendant, huh?
You have a good eye.

We just got that in
yesterday.

- Would you like to try it on?
- Yes, please.

Sue! Can you open
this up, please?

They haven't
given me a key yet.

I don't really
work here.

Danny.

Hey. So how'd it
go at the bar?

Well, I talked to the bartender
and he agrees,

she is smoking-hot,

but he still doesn't
know who she is.

All right, look. The police are gonna
need a detailed description.

What did this woman
look like?

Well, she had a B-cup
and a tramp-stamp.

That's gonna be
an interesting police sketch.

Come on, Sheldon. You've got
to do better than that.

Well, I'm not
Sherlock Holmes, Danny.

She looked like...
like that chick there.

Oh, hey, Danny.

Karen.
Well, fancy seeing you here,

although not surprised,
all things considered.

- They already got her.
- Oh, they didn't get me for that.

This is about something else
I absolutely didn't do.

Well, you'd better
give that stuff back, toots,

or you're gonna be in way more
trouble than you already are.

How about you defend me
and I'll tell you where it is?

Done. You just
got yourself a lawyer.

Now, what exactly
are the charges?

- Excuse me. I'm talking to Danny.
- I am Danny.

That's Sheldon.

Wait. You're Sheldon?

You mean I banged
some casket salesman?

Well, now I would've said
"made love."

Forget it.
You lied. Deal's off.

Wait. No. No, no.
You've got to help me.

- Look, I'm the good brother here.
- I can't do it.

Your brother lied to me, and
I can't tolerate being used like that.

You were used?

You had sex with him
so you could rob me!

- How do you think that feels?
- Well, mixed, at best.

All right, look, at least
give me the tea set back.

I just had it re-plated
for my girlfriend's birthday.

Aw. What a thoughtful present.

I guess the real Danny
would do that.

And a real Danny-girl wouldn't
have robbed my fake apartment.

We're done here.

Well, gosh, Danny, you know,
I don't know what to say.

You have insurance, right?

Yeah. I got it
from you last year.

Ooh! We might want
to keep looking.

Great, Sheldon.
That is just great.

Oh, well, excuse me.

I'm sorry, but just remember,
without me, you w...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

If it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't be a lawyer.

If it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't be where I am today,

which is here,
in a courtroom,

trying to get my things back
from a psychopath!

Now the only thing Kim has left
of her dead grandmother is gone.

And I get to tell her.
On her birthday.

Wow. That is harsh.

Why the hell would you
tell her on her birthday?

They took everything!

Your vinyl, your computer,
your camera.

I don't know how
you're staying so calm.

If I had something very dear to me
stolen, I'd feel so violated.

- I don't think I'd ever get over it.
- Sure you would.

No. I wouldn't.

- They got your grandma's tea set.
- What?

I had it re-plated
for your birthday.

- Surprise?
- You're kidding.

I don't blame you
for being mad.

No. No, I'm not...
I'm not mad.

It's not your fault.
I mean, it was really sweet.

These things happen.

If it's any consolation,

it looked beautiful
before they took it.

It isn't.

Kim, I am so sorry
I ruined your birthday.

Hey. At least
no one got hurt.

- Yeah.
- And you have insurance. Right?

It's complicated.

For the record, it was
the best present I never got.

- Kim. I need to talk to you.
- No, you don't.

- No, this really isn't a good time.
- Danny, let me do this.

I don't want you
to take the fall this time.

Look, Sheldon,
Kim is processing

her grief over the loss
of her grandmother's tea set,

which she is okay with.

Really? So she's not mad about
me getting the place robbed?

No. But that's probably only because
she didn't know that until now.

Of course this is your fault!
How did I miss it?

You brought another one of your skanks
back here, didn't you?

Well, to be fair, I didn't think
you'd ever find out.

Why didn't you tell me?

I just didn't want you to hate Sheldon
more than you already do.

What? You hate me?

Kim, where is this coming from?

You know what?
You made this happen.

Now you have to get it back.

I can't. She's already been arrested.
She won't give it up!

- Where are you going?
- Weren't you listening?

Some bitch
got my Nana's tea set!

Well, it's about
quittin' time.

Another day,
another dollar.

- Tell the missus I said hello.
- Right-o.

Dr. Irvin.

It's him.

I'm going on "break."

You've got 10 minutes.

I'd like to see if
I can get my deposit back.

Did Alison
change her mind?

Sort of.

Dr. Robert Irvin.

We meet at last.

I'm Ryan White.
Alison's ex-husband.

She left me.

- She did?
- It hurts.

I know.

There, there.
Shh. Just let it out.

Oh, we have
so much to talk about.

Somewhere else, I hope.

Look, I know
you're mad at Sheldon.

So am I.

But ever since
the fire,

that tea set
is the only thing

I have left
to remember my Nana by.

That, and a carton
of camels.

This guy played me.

But keeping the tea set isn't going
to get you even with Sheldon.

But he humiliated me.

And he feels horrible
about that.

Don't you, Sheldon?

Well, not horribly enough.

I think what you're saying,
Karen, is...

Ahem... if we can find a way to make
Mr. White equally humiliated,

you'd be willing to return
the stolen merchandise?

I guess.

Great. Now, is there
anything specific

that you can think of that would cause
this level of discomfort to Mr. White?

How about electrocuting
his testicles?

We're gonna have to
take that off the table.

Well... He lied to you to get you
out of your clothes.

Maybe he should
have to take off his.

I like it.

This is a good deal.
We should take it.

Wait a minute.
You want me to strip down?

Here?

Yeah. You should leave
your socks on until the end.

It'll be funnier.

You can't let them do this, Danny.
I put you through law school.

Thank you for that.

Now strip.

Okay. I'm about to
break the law here.

Does anyone care? Hmm?
Is anyone gonna try and stop me?

Okay. Fine.

But could someone turn off
the air conditioning, please?

Here we go. You ready?

Boom!

Boom. Huh?

There's the thunder.

Now let's get ready
for the lightning.

Kapow.

"Sheldon's
big-and-tall caskets"?

You put the logo of your business
on your underwear?

Big-and-tall.
It's a natural fit.

I'll need
the underwear, too.

Aw, come on!

I know it's not like
being in the privacy

of my bedroom.

- Oh, so you think this is funny?
- Yes. Yes, I do.

This is all your fault,
stupid penis.

Aw, I can't
stay mad at you!

Ew. He shaves!

Totally worth it.

Thank you, Sheldon.

The fact that
you would do this

for Kim
means a lot to me.

We'll see you tomorrow.

Wait a minute. I thought I was
getting a ride home with you guys.

Oh, no, no. I have
leather upholstery.

Sheldon. Stop.

I knew
you wouldn't make me do this!

You're gonna
need bus fare.

Where am I
supposed to put it?

Happy Birthday, you.

Whoa! That is
some strong tea!

Yep. Grandma's recipe.

One tea bag steeped
in a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

That might've been
what led to the fire.

Ooh! Turn it up!

And in more
disturbing news today,

the world's slowest streaker was
arrested on the courthouse steps.

Sheldon White,
a local casket salesman,

was apprehended for indecent
exposure while yelling at his penis.

Danny...

This is the best
birthday I've ever had.

Play it again!

And in more
disturbing news today...

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