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Hah! Hah!

Aah!

Uhh!

Lost some money, huh?

No. No, no, no. They stole it.

Took the entire shipment.

And I'm Mary fucking Poppins.

Okay, look, we can get half.

How about you let me go and we'll go for a little w...

Ow!

J-Joey.

Joey!

What's up, buddy?

Lakey boy,

how's my number 1 nephew doing?

Actually, I'm just, uh, pulling up to the gym.

I got to get my pump on for this movie, man.

I might do one of those veggie cleanses.

I got to get cock-ease over this fucker.

So you getting ready to be a big movie star, huh?

Yes, sir.

Hey, uh, Lake, excuse me for just a second, okay?

Hold on just a minute.

Ow!

What was that?

Are you in the bathroom?

No.

It's just TV, man, you know?

It's, uh, it's one of those bad B movies.

Lowlifes lose some money, try to get it back.

Torture scene.

Two heavies, and the tough guy

rough him up a bit.

Pretty good, though.

Ah. B movies. Love 'em.

Ah, that's good.

So, uh, Lakey, my investment.

Mmm.

It's safe, right?

Yes. And actually, I just wanted to tell you

thank you so much for lending us this 100,000

to make this movie. It's huge.

Lakey, you are my number 1 nephew,

and this is your comeback, so...

I know, and I wanted to take this opportunity

to... to let you know how sincerely

indebted I am to you,

and I'm going to bring you a sequel

from a great script.

I want you to keep investing in me

and in my career. I... Shut up.

I didn't call you for all that shit, okay?

I need a couple favors.

Whatever you need, J-man.

Yeah. Exactly.

Now listen, I'm going to be away

for a couple of days on business.

I want you to stay at the house,

keep everything cool.

The caterer will be there tomorrow morning

around 10 a.m. to start setting things up

for Piper's birthday party.

You tell my little sweetheart I love her.

I'm sorry I'm going to miss it,

but she knows that Daddy's going to get her

one hell of a present.

Okay?

Hey, Lakey.

Lakey, you still there?

Hey, are you drinking a beer?

No.

You know how your cousin gets

around the booze.

67, 68, 69, 70!

Whoo!

Make sure she keeps her nose clean, Lakey,

- you hear me? - Got it.

I paid 10 grand

for one month of rehab last summer.

If you ask me, that place was more

like a freakin' spa resort.

Who's the director for this movie?

My good friend Billy Sham.

The rapper Billy Sham?

He don't do that shit no more.

He's legit now.

He retired the fucking periwinkle blue Hammer pants, man.

What about the, uh, the hot chick?

Because every movie's got to have a hot chick.

Lena Starr. Hot young actress.

She's up and coming.

Isn't that the one

from the Haug's Jr. Commercial?

Makes me crave that sweet, sweet roast beef.

Uh-huh.

And $100,000.

Yep.

My investment in your comeback, Lakey,

my money

is a lot of money, Lakey.

So don't you let me down, you understand?

Mm, I will not let you down, sir.

Lakey, you screw this up,

it's Aqua Caliente.

Mm. Hot chicken.

Hot water.

Not tap water hot, Lakey.

Like I'm going to stop a fucking mud hole

in your ass and walk and dry hot.

You understand? I'm going to spoon-feed you

the contents of your goddamn balls hot,

you hear me?

It's going to be JLo ass hot!

Gee, JLo's ass. I'm going to climb up in your fucking head

and beat you until you have some goddamn sense hot!

Do I make myself fucking clear?

I got it.

Good.

Bye, Lakey.

Bye.

Lakey!

I hate it when he calls me that. It's so gay.

Yo. You've reached Billy Sham, the Shaminator.

Kick it or stick it.

Nah. Leave a message. beep.

Yo, Shamrocks. What up, dude?

Ha ha! Got you, bitch.

Where are you? I want to go over your dialogue.

Yeah, I know. We were supposed to meet

over at your shit hole to go over movie stuff.

But I got to watch my uncle's place.

Got the bitchen pad.

Maybe you should come over here.

No, you come over here.

Actually, I can't leave.

My cousin just got home from cheer practice.

Mm. Bummer.

I hate you.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Piper: Hi.

Yeah.

Lookin' fly.

Aztec fans, pump it up. Let's hear it.

Fight, win.

Lakey!

Shamrocks.

Hey, Piper.

Fight, win.

- Hello. - Hi.

Nice to meet you.

- Hmm? - Billy Sham.

Hey, you heard of my song "Kick It"?

No.

Oh, it was a big hit in the early '90s.

I was born in the early '90s.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Cool.

You guys need anything?

Actually, I was wondering...

Actually, we're good.

I'm going to go finish my work.

Billy: Cool.

- All right. - What's up, Sham?

My God. You told me your cousin was hot, but damn!

Hands off, bro. My uncle will filet your fucking balls

if you come anywhere near her.

Dude, you know I have a weakness for cheerleaders.

Yeah, barely legal style, so focus.

She's not even 18. Focus.

Okay. Dude, we can't let

her minor flaws, addictions, and bad habits

ruin this opportunity, okay?

We got to make our peers proud, man,

set a wonderful example to our family and friends

and make a great movie for all to see.

- Amen, bro. - Are you with me?

- Yes, sir. - I said are you with me?

- Yes, sir. - Cool. So listen.

Breaking the Wind is going to be a shoo-in

for the festivals. It's going to be an indie hit.

- You said it. - What did I just say?

You said it's going to be an indie hit,

a shoo-in for all the festivals.

- Exactly. - That what I'm talking about.

- Yeah, you feel it? - I can feel it.

Guess what I got.

What?

Dude, how cool is this?

Where the fuck did you get that?

Dude, I took you off the internet

and Photoshopped it.

It's not even my body.

Okay, dude, you know what?

Show it off. Put it in the bar.

- Cool. - Because it's our poster.

Dude, nice digs, bro.

Yeah, I'm housesitting for a couple of days.

Got to watch my cousin.

Watch her?

She's sweet as pie till she hits the sauce.

I'll give her some sauce.

Cool your jets, dude. You're such a perv.

Who's that?

I have no idea.

It's kind of hard living the high life, bro.

Guess what. It just got a little higher.

The Breaking the Wind LOC production card.

- Let me see that. - Absolutely not.

I'm the responsible one. I will hold.

All 100,000's on that.

All 100,000.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no. We got to keep it cool, man.

No shit.

You know my weaknesses.

Which one, Vicodan, coke, ludes, cheerleaders?

Hey, Lake! Some totally hot chick in a Range Rover

just pulled up.

Great. Send her back.

Lake, what totally hot chick in a Range Rover

just showed up?

We just need a star.

Why is there a star here?

Well, I mean,

I thought we'd hang out by the pool, get tight.

We do start filming in two days.

I'm not prepared for this.

I'm supposed to meet her tomorrow.

Dude, I got script notes,

important script notes, dude.

I didn't even blow dry my hair.

Your hair looks flying high.

Listen, we're going to hang out by the pool.

We're going to have some tea, get to know each...

What's up with the gay white suit anyhow?

Huh?

You look like the ice cream man.

Got a fucking Creamsicle for me?

What the fuck?

It's so nice to meet you.

Hmm.

I'm Lake's cousin Piper?

Hmm.

Are you okay?

My stupid boyfriend's a dick-lick,

and I hate him.

Just hold me.

I love you for being so sweet.

All right.

I'm over him now.

Well, yeah, boyfriends suck.

Hmm.

You're way too beautiful to be crying.

Are you a model?

I only do big covers.

Oh, and I did that Sprinkle Sneaker ad...

You know, the one where I'm sitting on the toilet.

- I love Sprinkle Shoes! - Hmm.

Oh, my gosh!

Wait. Were you in I Know What Your Breast Did Last Summer?

Bingo.

I Know What Your Breast Did Last Summer

was an inspiration to all my friends!

Oh, honey, these new ones are even more inspirational.

That's the coat from the movie.

You show your tits in a movie,

and all they give you is this ratty-ass coat.

I regift it to you.

A regift?

Oh, my God, thank you.

I'm going to wear this to Homecoming!

You are so sweet.

Where'd you say your liquor cabinet was?

Uh, the kitchen?

All right, dude, let's just calm...

You must be our director Mr. Sham.

My mother was a big fan of yours

back when you were a rapper.

Well, before she overdosed.

What is that?

Breaking the Wind. Hot body.

I brought some party favors, y'all.

I love party favors.

Oh, you do?

Well, it's a good thing.

Ohh!

Ahh.

Mmm.

I got to take a dump.

I want to come, too.

Excuse me. Dude, a coker.

She's a coker, dude.

Your agent sends me an actress who's a coker?

Shh. Listen, it's probably just a one-night thing.

Okay? She went to Beverly Hills Prep.

They do that shit like candy there.

Dude, one-night thing?

She just did a line

that made Charlie Sheen look like a fucking nun.

Oh. You might want to light a match.

Uh, you want to go swimming?

Lake: We've got Lena Starr, with two capital Rs,

the star of Breaking the Wind.

We'll sell this thing off of her name

and her knockers alone.

Okay, fine, fine.

Dude, we'll sell on her name. We'll sell on her knockers.

Whatever. But please, dude, can we keep it cool?

Shamrocks, we are keeping it cool.

It's all good. Now come in, Shamrocks.

Come in. Come in. Let's park in my parlor.

Let's do this.

Okay. Do you want to pound nails

for the rest of your life?

No.

Okay, we can't screw this up.

Dude...

We're not screwing anything up, bro.

We've got a huge star.

She's hot as can be, okay?

She's taking a poop in my uncle's guest house

as we speak.

Listen, we're going to relax by the pool

and hang out.

And if you're not a douche bag,

I'll probably let you watch my cousin

while she's in the shower.

Don't do that.

Think of it as a cleansing.

I will not.

Just one little drinkie, bro.

- No. - Just a little sip.

- Stop it. - Just a little.

It's your uncle's money.

You're right. It is my uncle's money.

So quit being grouchy grandpa.

I will not.

See? I knew you would do that.

Okay, you know what? I'll tell you what.

We're going to have a fucking toast right now.

I'm going to break out the good shit.

How about that? Hey, girls.

Come over here. We're having a toast.

Hey, dude. Hey, come up here.

Ha ha ha! Hi.

Alcohol?

Hello. My name is Sven.

What's up, Sven?

I see you have the cocaine.

Okay, I'd like to propose a toast.

Here's to friends and family.

May we always agree,

and if we ever disagree,

well, fuck you, and cheers to Billy.

To Breaking the Windon 3.

1, 2, 3.

Breaking the Wind!

Okay.

Hmm.

- Let's get wet. - Yes.

- Let's go swimming. - Whoo!

So, uh, one-night thing, huh?

Okay, maybe a little problem.

We start filming our film in 48 hours.

48 hours, bro.

Is there a bathroom in the guest house?

Yeah.

Okay, because just looking at this

makes me want to poop.

It's not funny, dude.

It's a good thing you wore the white pants, slick.

48 hours!

48 hours, baby. Whoo!

Good morning.

Good morning, Shammy.

Hola.

Sven.

Sven, help me.

Where's Lake?

Lake, get up.

Lake, up.

Just some eggs and toast with coffee.

Get up, Lake.

What time is it, man?

It's 9:30.

Fuck.

The caterer comes at 10.

I know.

Who's behind you?

Hi, Lakey.

You were fast out of the starting gate,

and you really turned it on in the back stretch.

And you pounded it on the fourth turn.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, I probably have herpes.

Dude, what happened last night?

I have no idea.

All I remember you saying is "Just one drink,"

and you understand why I can only have no drinks, none.

Or coke.

Right. Or coke.

Good morning.

Morning.

What...

What is it... that?

Uh, I'm not too sure.

Who's cooking me breakfast?

Breakfast sounds fabulous.

Bill: Dude.

Piper, are you drinking already?

Don't get all agro on me.

It's 9:30.

It's a mimosa, you wannabe freak.

Damn, girl, you're, like, ghetto fabulous

when you drink.

Totally.

That is why that girl cannot drink.

Oh, well.

Nice coat, though.

Oh, thanks, bro.

What?

And pastrami from the sausage.

Look at these scores right here.

They got one of those swords.

Remember, we did that for our anniversary?

Whoa. Damn.

Oh!

Hey, what's wrong?

Baby, some girls got to put out

to pay the rent. You got to understand that.

I'm not crying about her.

I'm crying about my dog Tofu!

Tofu tastes like balls.

You have a dog named Tofu?

Had! He died!

He looked just like that coat,

and I want it!

Baby, we got to get out of here.

Come on, let's go, man.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Listen, you better get over there,

punch that pimp in the face,

spit on his bitch, and get her that coat,

or I'm calling my daddy.

I love you, Piper.

Hold this, please.

Well, what do you want to do?

What do you mean, what do I want to do?

I mean, we kind of got to get that fucking jacket.

Fuck. I was afraid of that.

Yeah.

Listen, I was a rapper.

- Let me handle it. - Okay.

- Break. - Break.

What's up, pimp skizzies?

That jacket, yo, is kickin', bro.

Word, word. Is is tight, huh?

This is some real business right here.

Shit.

Do you know who that is, baby?

You that Billy Sham character?

That rapper?

Cool, dude. You know my song "Kick It," right?

From the early '90s. You know that shit, right?

I remember that. Come on, go with me.

Yeah, I remember that shit.

Thank you so much, dude.

That's cool that you know my song, man.

Yeah, it's real cool

that I remembered that dog shit, motherfucker!

- I hated that song. - Ha ha ha!

Whoopsies.

- Fuck, I almost got... - He don't like it.

- That dog shit. - He hated that shit.

Let me tell you something.

If you're over here bugging me,

I'm hoping you know

this shit's $20 for the mouthpiece.

And I get 50 for the hole right there...

The pimp hole.

I think we got a feel-bad story.

I have to apologize for him.

And second, we're not really interested in the lady.

We want the jacket.

No offense. You're a fine young filly.

Our friends over there,

your jacket reminds her of her dog Tofu,

who's passed away and gone to a better place,

if you believe that kind of thing.

I'm an atheist personally, so I don't...

Hey, man, just give me the coat.

Why, why would I give you or them this pimp-ass jacket?

It's the real shit, baby.

I'll give you $500 for that thing.

- Bam, bitch. - $500?

- Boom. - 500? 500 dol...?

Man, you crazy?

Crazy? 3K, motherfucker.

You crazy?

Hold on, man.

You want $3,000 for that fucking furry-ass coat?

And you want $60 for the bitch?

What'd you say?

I said 3,000 is fine.

They're fucking me. Give me the money first.

Show me the money.

Yo, look at that. Smell it.

Tell me if it's real, baby.

Yeah, put it in there. Put it in your moneymaker.

Baby, mm, it's smelly.

It's real, baby. It's real.

That shit's real. Okay.

- Here you take... - Mm-hmm.

You take this shit.

Bitch.

Call me.

Shit, we made out, baby.

Mm.

- Smell good, huh? - Mm-hmm.

1, 2, 3 for me.

- 1, 2, 3 for me. - For me.

1 for you, 2...

Let's go get some chicken and waffles, baby, all right?

We're going to celebrate your birthday.

I love you, baby.

Let me tell you something.

I got you a present, too.

Aw, baby, you got me a nice gift, too?

Oh, fuck.

What?

The coat. I left the...

Baby, baby, it's okay.

We can get you another jacket.

My cousin Vicki has this cute little St. Bernard at home.

He's all big and furry.

No, it's not the fucking coat, you stupid...

You're so... I'm so sorry.

I left your present in the jacket.

Take that.

What... What present?

The present... The diamond fucking n...

Necklace. I'm so sorry.

You gave away my diamond necklace,

you motherfucking, worthless, no-coat-wearing,

standing on the street corner

looking like a retarded ass mother-ass fuck!

Now I'm all worked up...

and hungry.

Listen, listen, listen.

No chicken for you, baby.

No chicken. We got to, see,

get your motherfucking present back!

Then let's go!

Go, bitch, go!

Bon appetit.

You needed to eat the breakfast.

I made it with lots of protein

to keep you big and strong.

Hey, Lake, have you seen the, uh, credit card?

The, uh, production credit card?

Mm-mm. Mm.

You know what? This looks really delicious.

I think we should probably have a bite.

No, actually, I think you should give me the card now.

I don't know if I have it, dude.

I mean, I just have papers.

Is this it?

Yes, this one.

Okay, great, Why is this all fucked up?

I have no idea. I'm not responsible for that.

Okay, great. So does anyone else

have any, uh, receipts of credit cards

or anything they want to share with me?

Ooh! I found one.

Thank you very much.

Mm-kay.

$2,560 at Sake Bombers.

$2,500?

Dude, put on that?

Where else are we going to put it?

10 bottles of sake at 100 apiece?

A table?

800 bucks?

Where's the table?

Sometimes at a nightclub,

they'll give you a table.

That's to make you feel

a little bit more special.

Most A-list actors know this.

What are you saying?

Oh. I was just saying.

It's okay.

No. No. No.

This is not fucking okay.

Billy, my uncle... Not your uncle...

My uncle who lent us the money

for this fucking movie

goes to Vegas for business.

Mobster business, Billy. He's a hit man.

He doesn't go there for a fucking dry cleaning business.

He's not bail bondsman business.

He's a heavy, Billy.

Do you know what a fucking heavy is?

Uh, an overweight man.

No, you fuck. He's a killer.

He's going to fucking rip our assholes open.

I'm shaking like a dog shitting peach seeds right now.

Shh. Calm.

Silence.

Shamrocks, give me a fucking Valium right now.

You should probably take one, too,

because he's going to be fucking pissed.

Ooh. I found another one.

This is like a treasure hunt.

It's from a psychic. Fun!

You will lose lots of money tonight.

Oh, my God, you're amazing.

You should go to my birthday party!

She's like the angel.

Ooh! I found a good one.

I think I'm winning.

"Tickle Time Parlor."

Boys, that sounds so naughty.

Dude, did we get hookers?

Oh, shit. I'm about to be murdered,

and I don't even remember the good fucking stuff.

Dude, what was the extra 53.50 for?

Which of you two studs is first?

Gobble, gobble.

- Mommy! - Mommy!

Not a word.

Someone has crabs.

Oh, well, what's this one, Pampers Spa?

What? You can go to some rub-and-tug,

and we can't go to the spa?

- Aah! - Aah!

Aah! Ooh.

You're not even in the movie.

What the fuck do you need pampering for?

Um, hello. It's my dad's money. That's why.

Okay. 13,500.

13,500?

Well, where were you for that flashback?

Huh. Could it be at the casino?

Fucking douche bag.

What?

I'm not a fucking butler.

Someone else can go get it.

Fuck it. I'll get it.

Thank you.

Hi.

I've got an overnight delivery for a Lena S.

- Lena? - Yeah. Here.

Is this shit COD, man?

Oh, no, no. She paid for it

with a credit card ending 6679.

Here. Just sign here.

Breaking the Windmovie?

It's a good title, man.

Yeah. Thanks, loser.

Yeah, well, nice scarf twinkle, dick.

I heard that.

Oh, shit.

You bought a dog?

You bought him for me as a pre-movie present.

Don't you remember?

He's a little racing dog.

We thought we could win some money at the track.

He looks like a giant rat.

Shh.

You'll ruin his psyche.

I think I'll call you Big Spender!

Billy: Sounds just about right.

The dog is so cool.

No. Not cool. Put the dog back.

It's going back to whatever rat hole it came from.

You can't send him back.

- You wouldn't. - I will.

Look at his face.

I love him. We've already bonded.

You can't send him back.

So, uh, we lost our whole budget, right?

Yeah. I'm done.

My career's over, bro.

My balls are going to be stapled to a 2x4.

Yeah, well, my dad's going to take my frickin' allowance away

for at least a month.

Fuck.

Oh. And my car.

I should have been an English teacher.

Rapper turned director. What is that?

We're in hot water, bro.

Sven: The caterer is here.

- Oh, hi. - Hi, guys.

We're just going to start setting up.

The fucking party, man. We're fucked.

Uh, what party?

Uh, my party. Duh.

Guys, we're beyond screwed.

Without any budget,

we have to call off the movie.

What? I already posted it to my web site.

You can't do that.

Oh, man. We lost our budget.

We lost our budget.

Ahh!

No, we're not done. Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. I am not done.

I am not done. I'm a director.

I am never done. Never.

I have an idea!

I forgot it. Sorry.

We will prevail.

With a little brainstorming, we will prevail.

Do you think Coppola laid down

in the jungles of Cambodia when the shit hit the fan?

No, he did not.

100 days on Apocalypse Now.

They shot 100 days.

This... This is our Apocalypse Now.

We will napalm this whole damn town.

Are you with me?

But if we don't have any money,

we don't have a movie, Bill.

Huh!

It was a good speech, though.

Just trying to be optimistic.

Well, guess I'm going to call a few people

and fire them.

Grandma?

Whoa!

Pussy.

Grandma!

Don't smother me. You're gonna mess my hair.

Hello. My name is Sven.

Oh, hi, there, Sven. Hmm.

Who's the slut?

Grandma, shh.

That's Lena Starr.

She's a big movie star.

Big Titty Nights comes out next month.

Ooh. I could have starred in that Big Titty Nights.

I wouldn't have had to get these babies, either.

Sorry my grandma's a cunt.

Go fetch me some prune juice.

I haven't taken a crap in three weeks.

Ooh. Whatever you want, Grandma.

Take my bag. I'm staying in the west room

You're staying here?

Well, yeah. Come on, dumb shit.

Come on, I wouldn't miss my Piper's birthday.

Give Grandma a smoochie-smoochie.

Smoochie-smoochie, mm...

Okay, okay, Grams, let's... Let's... let's... let's...

- Let's... let's... let's... - Hey!

Come on, let's go.

Bye, there, Svenny boy.

Ah, fuck it.

Come on.

Sven, down here. Hee hee!

Wake up, ladies.

Woman: Will you put that up near the bar?

Hey, where's this skull go?

Over there.

Oh, my God.

I got it!

Okay, listen, guys,

we got two options, okay?

We either make a movie,

or we give Uncle Joey Prego his money back.

And the second one is not an option, okay?

We're shooting a horror film tonight.

Do you believe the production value of this house?

I mean, look at this place.

The interior, exterior,

the set decoration, the props.

The... The guests can be extras. Okay?

And guess what.

Lena is going to play the star, of course,

and Lake is going to play the star.

Hello. It's my birthday party tonight,

and if you fuck it up,

I'm going to rip your asshole out.

No, no, no, no.

It's only a movie, pipsqueak.

Still.

Okay, listen, focus, focus, guys.

Focus. I wasn't Matt Bacon's ass double,

getting no recognition,

showing my perky backside, for nothing.

Well put.

Well, you're going to need a camera, bro.

Right.

Hey, Daddy took a camera

from some guy he ki...

Borrowed... borrowed a camera

from some guy he worked with.

That's good.

It's in my bedroom right next to my bed.

Girl, I love the way you roll.

We should hang out more often.

This is great.

Hello. I want to be in the movie, too.

Oh, oh, you're going to be...

We'll need lots of extras.

Excuse me. Extra?

I was in acting class for, like, three months.

If you took some acting classes,

you know some Shakespeare?

Ahem.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo,

wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Deny my father and refuse my name?

Or if thou will not be but sworn, my love,

and I will no longer be a Capulet.

And scene.

Who wrote that crap?

Oh, my God. That was brilliant.

That was wonderful, so wonderful.

That's what we're looking for...

Collaboration, okay?

So listen, guys, we're going to make the movie.

We're going to make it tonight, okay?

But we have a lot of work to do.

You're a genius, dude.

I got a 95 out of 100 on my I.Q. test.

All right, you fucks, back to the movie.

Movie, distributor, breasts, cheerleaders.

The distributor was adamant about breasts,

lots of breasts.

Breasts are the cheapest special effects in a movie.

Yeah, boobies!

Exactly. I hear you, brother.

Now, here we go. Cheerleaders.

Can we get some cheerleaders? Can we get some cheerleaders?

Can we handle that?

OMG, I know tons of cheerleaders.

Okay, well, why are you standing around

talking to me about it?

Filmmaking is instinct. Move your ass.

All right.

Hey, Bill.

What about the antagonist?

The bad guy.

Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

Yeah, he's right. I mean, it doesn't matter

how many cheerleaders or tits we have

if we don't have some suspense and thrills,

if we don't have skull fucking

by a... by a murderer sticking his knife

into some deep slit. Friday the 16th.

Hey, guys, how about this?

I introduce to you

The Welder Man.

Ew, kinky.

Sven!

Aah!

Hey, guys! Check this out!

What the fuck is that, a giant cell phone?

It's the fucking camera.

- It sucks. - No, it doesn't.

I shot a great video

of Grandma jazzercising last week.

It was awesome.

So isn't Grandma confined to a wheelchair?

Ooh!

Nah. She does it for an insurance scam.

Acting runs in the family, bro.

All right. What time's the first audition?

The girls are here.

Here's the first group.

Let's go, girls.

All right. Looking hot.

Stay lively.

I want to be a star.

Oh, sweetie, I am a star.

Oh, come on, I can buy those next month.

I'm not a real cheerleader,

but I know that I look so hot.

I don't give a fuck about the cheerleading thing.

I just want to be a star.

How do you like that?

Whew! Hey, girl.

I think you should put me in.

All right, girls, there's plenty of booze in the kitchen,

but don't get too wasted, my little stars.

We'll be holding auditions one by one

for speaking lines later on.

You're dismissed.

Have a seat.

Lena: This is our director.

You can call me 10 because I'm a perfect 10.

A perfect 10 you are.

Are you an actress?

No.

Do you want to be?

I guess.

Let's see that bitch do some Shakespeare.

Who needs Shakespeare when you can shake your ass?

Aren't you a Blackhawk?

I was. I graduated last year.

Moved on to the big times. I'm a Patriot now.

Looks like your tits moved on at big time.

You can dream.

The both of you, you're hired.

Thanks, honey.

Shh.

Hey, Uncle Joey.

Hey, how's it going?

Bouncing.

We're... We're good.

Everything's A-okay, sir.

Everything's great.

We're... Your investment's safe.

Very confident.

All right, Lakey. You go get some rest.

And don't let her go too crazy in her party.

You got a big movie to shoot.

Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, no, that's good. All right.

Bye, Lakey.

Okay, bye!

Whoo!

Are you ready to party

with the John, Stanley, and Ken Band?

Give it up for them!

Enjoy.

Psst!

Hey.

What can I get you?

Hey, want to make a little extra cash tonight?

I'm kind of busy making drinks at the moment.

On top of making drinks, extra cash.

I'm not quite following.

All you have to do

is wear this.

Uh, I'm sorry. I'm not into that kind of stuff.

Dude, we're not gay.

Oh, just metro.

Come here.

Don't be nervous. I don't bite.

Come here. Come on.

Want to play a killer in a movie?

Dude, you'll be fine. Trust us.

It's so fun. The killer.

Uh, I don't know.

It sounds kind of weird.

It's a movie.

Uh...

Hey.

What's up?

What are you guys doing?

We're trying to recruit the Welder Man.

Doesn't the Welder Man get to make out

with the lead female at the end of the movie?

No.

Ow! Fuck...

I mean yes.

And I just happen to be playing

the, uh, lead female of this movie.

Okay. It sounds pretty cool.

I'll make out with you, too.

All right. Count me in.

You'll do it? Try this on.

Ready?

I'll take this, fat ass.

Uh...

yes, you're hired.

Sweet.

Okay, here we go. Dude, set the camera.

Lake, what the fuck are you doing?

Trying to get... Getting set...

Okay, ready? Lake. You got this?

Bedroom scene, Welder Man, take 1. Ready? Psst.

- Camera set? - Set.

Action.

So what's this party we're going to?

It's only the best sexy cheerleader Halloween party

in all of L.A.

Wow. I'm really excited.

Why are you upset, my best friend in the world?

She's my best friend.

Oh, yeah. Uh, because the crazy Welder Man

that used to stalk me in high school

is being released from the asylum...

tonight.

We've done all we can for you, son.

It's a big world out there.

Keep your head on straight. Good luck.

Thanks, doc.

Oh, son, you might need this.

See you around.

All three: Tonight?

Yes. And I'm afraid

he may be lusting for cheerleader blood.

- Oh, my gosh! - Oh, my gosh!

You know, most psycho killers

that get released from the asylum

just get a job at the post office or something.

But he said he wouldn't stop hunting

until he found me...

until he killed me... uh...

Uh, line?

Dead, God damn it.

Dead.

Hasn't it been, like, two years?

I'm sure he's forgotten all about you.

Wow. Bitch.

Skank.

Pole sucker.

- Oh! - That was not in the script.

It's improv. It's improv. be sexy.

Amateurs, amateurs, amateurs.

- It's okay. - Sorry.

You're probably right.

He probably has much better things to do tonight,

it being his first night.

Are you seeing what I'm seeing, bro?

Like jerk off.

Let's focus on more important things,

like our outfits for the party,

makeup, and boys.

All three: Yay!

That's why you're my BFFs.

Let's make out.

We got it.

Bitch.

Steady the camera, Lake.

Your breath smells.

Lake, steady the camera.

It smells like twat.

Bill: Come on.

- Bitch! - Stupid ho!

- I hate you! - You fucking slut!

Bill: Yes. Keep going.

This is it. This is it.

All right, I can... I can hear the music.

This has got to be it. This has got to be it.

Whoa. That rat has your necklace on its neck.

Well, do you think you can go in there and get it?

Don't get smart on me, woman.

I am smart. I got a 2.7 on my GPS.

Now go get in there.

Horror has a face.

And you must make friends of horror.

Huh?

I'm going to get in there. Okay, come on.

Do you want a cookie? You want a cookie?

How's the baby? Want...

Grandma: Who's out there?

What's up?

Star quarterback scene, take 1.

And action.

That's Leland Smith,

the star quarterback at the local college.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, Leland. This is my girl, Ginger.

Hey, Ginger, uh...

I'm the star quarterback at State College.

Can we cut it, please?

What's up, dude?

You're just not quarterback material.

So it's just a movie, Billy.

I mean, you know.

You know what? I think you should play the kicker.

Oh!

I'm not playing the fucking kicker, bro.

You could play the tight end.

Yeah, and she should play the wide receiver.

- What? - I'm calling you a whore.

And you should play the jealous cunt.

- Slut. - Fuck you.

- Fuck you. - Hey, guys, please,

can we focus and get the fucking shot?

Ready? Lake, you're playing the fucking kicker.

Ready? And action.

- That's... - Leland Smith.

- He's the, uh... - I'm the star kicker.

- Finger sandwich? - Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Cut!

Pig shit in a blanket.

We're not serving that tonight, sir.

- No shit. - Thank you.

Ohh.

Jesus.

We got Cujo, and we got the crip.

Come on, Big Spender.

I don't do cripples.

Oh. We got to get that dog.

We got to get the dog. We got to get the present.

How are we going to get in there?

Stand back a little bit. Stand back.

I need some room for this.

Uh, all right.

Pimp hand.

Ah!

Right?

Baby, oh, my God.

You go first. Go first.

Dude, I think we need to get the boob shot.

Yeah.

Here's what I'm thinking, guys.

Hi. Billy Sham, the director.

- What's your name? - Destiny.

Destiny, nice to meet you.

And Pipe... This is Piper.

I'm thinking you're going to saunter

into the pool, okay?

And you're going to take your tops off.

Isn't that great?

All right.

Thank you very much, Galaxy.

- All right, here we go. - Destiny.

All right.

These titties are going to boost my foreign sales.

Fucking A, dude.

Watch this.

And action.

No. I'm not doing this.

This isn't fair. I'm not doing it.

Look at her boobs.

Oh, horse shit.

I told you we shouldn't have depended on her.

Plus, my uncle will string us up by our dicks

if we show her tits.

Exactly, and especially not

before he buys me mine for my birthday.

Great. Great.

I told you I need this shot!

What do you guys want to do? Want to play poker?

Want to fucking play checkers?

You want to make a movie?

Tits, I need tits, guys.

Help me out here.

Why don't you just use a photo double?

A photo double at 3 a.m. in the morning?

Where am I going to find a fucking photo double?

Oranges, anybody? Juicy oranges?

I don't mind being in a bikini.

A bikini?

Yeah.

Hey, Destiny? Galaxy? What's your name?

- Destiny. - Take five?

Come over here for a second.

I told you this is the most pivotal scene in the movie.

- Melons? Bit melons? - Lake: I'll take some.

Oh. Look delicious.

Hi. I'm Lena Starr.

The star of Big Titty Nights?

Mm. You could tell?

I'm an actress, too.

Lena, please, not now.

Not now?

Welder Man, scene 69.

Naked girl in shower. Take 1.

- Camera set. - And action.

Cut. Shit.

What?

Who wears underwear in the shower?

I'm not showing my ass.

Of course you're not.

Pivotal love scene, take 20.

Right. I hate my job.

Okay, here we go.

And action.

Ohh!

Quick!

Barricade the door!

Aah!

Oh, Leland, how will we ever escape?

I will protect you. I love you.

- Hold on there. - Whoa!

Hey, what's up, dude?

Hide the camera. Hide the camera.

Hey, guy.

Sven, what's up, bro?

God damn it. We'll fix it in post.

And action.

I love you, too.

My breasts long for your embrace.

I'm wiping!

God damn it.

You better find another room, buddy,

or I'm going to stuff your dick up your ass.

Great, great, great. I like that.

Keep going.

Oh, darling, I will protect you.

Your eyes, your breath, your...

Oh, for the love of God!

Okay, okay.

Grandma: Lake, Lake,

you better not be copulating.

Grandma's outside.

Fuck. Grandma.

Nothing, Grandma. I'm just... We're playing a game.

Patty cake.

- Come on, Lake. - Are you kidding me?

Lake: I got this.

Let me handle this.

Lake, we're in this mess because of you.

You suck.

You do!

God, crazy bitch.

Look out.

Grandma!

I was knocking and knocking and knocking.

Piper: Here you go. Upsie-daisy.

Everybody on your fucking marks.

Close the goddamn door.

Okay, reset.

- Fuck. - Geez.

Sven, go get the boom up.

Fucking cocksucker. Here we go.

- Camera set. - Set.

Action.

The way your ass...

Oh, God.

- I keep tasting... - Keep going.

Keep going. You're in love.

I love you.

Your eyes, your toes, your fingers.

Oh, mother of God.

Mother of God.

Fuck it. Montage.

Whoo!

Aah!

Woman: Are you ready?

Okay, so listen, Clifton,

I want you to do this thrusting...

Fire that bitch up. That's right.

Thrusting.

Then you get a big swiping motion

Like you're hitting a baseball, right?

You lop the head off.

It's gonna flip, probably, you know,

720 degrees, going to land in the water, splashing.

I want you to hold that thing underwater like this...

- Yo, yo, yo, hey, hey. - What's up?

Don't direct my actor.

Oh, your actor.

No, no. Hey, just trust me, okay?

- It confuses him. - Hey, I'm not confused.

You will be, trust me.

Okay, but he's right.

- Hey. - Okay, but...

- No. - If you...

There's no buts, okay?

It's actor, actor,

two actors back here, and the director.

You understand me?

If you listen to me, we'll make a good movie.

Now give me that fucking mask.

Okay? This is what I want.

I just want to put the helmet on right here.

I want to go in here.

Where's Tennessee?

What?

Where's Tennessee? She's supposed to be in this scene.

I don't want her in this scene.

Why? She's the best actress here,

besides me.

She's got a really hot rack.

Ohh.

You know what?

Seriously?

Fuck this.

Fuck this.

Where are you going?

Hot tub. Fuck you guys.

Oh, now, Lena, you want to be a fucking director?

Well, guess what. You're not.

Take a hike.

Ohh.

Billy, you're just being difficult, dude.

Suck it.

Yeah, I'll tell you about sucking it, bro.

You're a fucking control freak, bro.

I can hardly even call you bro.

I fucking Googled your stupid fucking song

that you made about 20 years ago,

and now you're a has-been,

and that fucking pimp was right, homes.

It fucking sucks.

Pick up the camera.

Both: Action.

Aah!

Noogie! Noogie!

Damn it!

Noogie! Damn you!

- Fucking... - It's your fault.

It's your uncle Joey Prego's money,

and if you want to blow it

by not listening to your director,

it's on you, bro.

You know what?

I quit.

You can't fucking quit, bro.

Oh, yeah. Well, guess what.

I just did.

I'm going to go get a cocktail. Hmm.

This is it. This is all done.

Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no.

Okay. I got a new plan.

We wait out the enemy,

and when the enemy comes to us,

we attack.

We attack, and we crush them sons of bitches.

I'm Alpha, you're Delta,

I'm Sigma, you're Veta... PETA... Beta...

Beta Pi.

Fucking yes.

Baby, you're my sexy soldier.

It's Tenn. I left

and went to this plastic surgeon's house.

They're giving out free anal bleaching.

Call me if you want to come. Bye.

Ohh!

Mm! I miss all the good shit.

Hey. There you are.

Come on. We're almost there.

We have to finish this.

Just go finish it with Tennessee.

What is wrong with you?

Nothing. Just obviously, you don't need me.

Piper. I don't want you to think

that Tennessee is replacing you.

I'm just using her for her hot rack.

It'll be good in our movie.

She's got nothing on you, girl.

You're my real BFF.

Really?

Yes. Come on.

In this town, you got to step on people,

kill them in movies, sleep with their boyfriends.

It's all in a day's work.

But it doesn't mean that I don't love you.

I love you, too.

Now let's go get these skulking idiots

and finish the movie.

All we have to do is kill the Welder Man.

Okay. I just need to go pee really fast.

Uh, not in here.

Oh, come on.

Mm-mm.

Wait, wait, wait. Shh, shh.

Yo, that's that bitch that was with Billy Sham.

That's his girl, I think.

You okay?

Yeah, if you like being hit by a linebacker.

We got to put aside our pride and finish this thing.

Lena, how are we going to finish

without a fucking director?

I mean, I barely know how to tie my fucking shoes,

much less finish a movie.

You think I'm going to let

that has-been rapper white boy walk out on us

in the middle of our movie?

You want to be a star?

Yeah.

You got to start acting like one.

Now put your chin up.

Higher.

Now let's go get our director

and finish our movie.

You ready?

Sure.

Ah.

- Billy. - What's up?

How's Mr. Director?

Not anymore.

Just a guy in an outfit

trying to look like Johnny Depp.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I blew John, and you're a lot hotter.

Come on, Lena.

I mean, you've worked with real directors,

A-list directors.

It's like who am I?

You're Lena Starr, with two Rs.

I mean, the pimp was right. My song "Kick It" sucks.

I'm just a guy who got lucky with one song

20 years ago.

Like my daddy always said,

if you can't do yourself, you can't do anyone else.

- Hmm? - Hmm.

That didn't work. Uh...

like you said, Apocalypse Now.

What would Coppola do?

A giant line, an Asian hooker,

and call it a day?

Right, but the next day,

what would he do?

You had your hooker and blow night last night.

Right.

Tonight we make film history.

Tonight we make a movie

that our friends, our family,

our frenemies that we only want to make jealous

that Breaking the Wind,

now entitled The Welder Man,

is a movie to be taken seriously.

Are you with me?

Yeah.

No way.

Come over here. I don't want to hear it.

Now!

Now you two idiots better kiss and make up.

Lena Starr posted this on my web site,

and I am not removing it. You hear me?

Can we have a minute, please?

Oh, yeah.

Thank you, Lena.

Mm-hmm.

Sorry for being so demanding.

Apology accepted.

You're a very passionate director.

And you are a passionate actor,

dedicated and true.

Thank you. No one's ever told me that before.

Thank you.

Also, just FYI,

the eyeliner really brings out the green in your eyes.

It's a good look.

Dude, you have me, a passionate director.

Okay, well, hey, Grey Goose.

Gets you loose.

Boom.

Did we kiss and make up?

- Yep. - Yep.

- Ooh. I missed it? - Nope.

Welder Mandeath scene, take 1.

Here we go. Ready?

Camera set.

And action.

Wait. Don't I get to kiss the lead female?

- Ohh. - Cut.

Lena.

Okay. Back to 1. Thank you.

Picture's up? Camera set?

- Camera set. - Action.

Cut. Print. That's a wrap.

Not so fast.

I know what you boner heads are up to.

You lost my Joey's money, and I'm going to tell him.

Oh, yeah? And I'll tell the insurance company

that you're a fake.

Ohh. Prove it.

Piper shot a sweet video

of you jazzercising last weekend.

- Ohh! You wouldn't. - I will.

Now get the fuck home.

Ohh! Pecker head.

Yeah.

Hello.

Quid quo pro, motherfucker.

Hey, The Hangover. I love that movie.

No, no, no, no.

Something for something.

All right, you got my diamond necklace,

and now I got your retarded

just-out-of-rehab Cousin Piper.

Mm-ha ha ha!

Mwa ha!

Okay, so what do you want, bro?

My jacket

your shitty-ass rapper friend bought, all right?

It had my shit in the pocket,

and I want it back. All right?

Now it's around that ugly-ass dog

that looks like a rat.

Give it back, motherfucker.

Okay, so let me get this straight.

We keep the necklace,

and you keep Piper? That's awesome.

I can get my room back.

Give me the phone, stupid...

What?

Listen, pimp,

you can make fun of our dog,

but you will not make fun of my song "Kick It."

Oh, you mean "Kick It"? That sucks.

That song sucks.

"Kick It" sucks a dick.

Quid quo pro.

We're coming to get Piper back.

You can keep your piece of crap necklace.

Ho ho ho, now we talking.

Meet me, 15 minutes,

Red Rat Ranch, motherfucker.

Bring it.

You bitch.

Get me my fur coat.

Look who it is, motherfuckers.

It's Billy Sham,

one-hit wonder rapping motherfucker.

Kick it and stick it and ru...

Yo, ask that motherfucker to take that mask off,

all right? That shit is freaking me out.

Hey, short round, it ain't that funny. Lose it.

Cool, dude.

Where's the necklace, motherfucker?

Piper: What up, freaks!

Whoo! These guys know how to party.

That's right.

I just smoked a blot with my new BFF.

Oh, baby, I'll play like BFF.

Shut the fuck up, man!

We're in a standoff here.

I just want some cheesecake.

What the fuck's so funny?

Helmet, maybe?

You look like a loser, Lakey.

Focus, focus, people.

- Hey, hand her over. - Zip!

Piper, come here.

No. I don't want to go home.

50 for the mouth piece, and 75 for the bung piece.

Piper, get your drunk twat over here.

Will you take 20 for the bung piece?

Shut up, motherfucker.

Yo, she with us now, right? So back up.

I'm coming to get you.

Whoa! Hey, puta male!

Watch it.

Hey, that's that movie bitch.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I seen her in commercials and shit

with the... The Haug's Jr., man.

I've been eating roast beef ever since I saw that bitch.

She good.

Yo, thanks, baby. Good thinking.

Look at that shit, right?

Quid pro quo... not!

Right? Something for nothing

because now we got your ho, and we got the diamonds.

That's right.

Betrayal. You white cracker-ass,

dog-killing, BFF-stealing motherfucker!

That shit isn't even real, stupid.

I got that from the swap meet. $10.

Piper, come on.

- Hey, back up. - Whoa, whoa.

All you back up and shit.

We got the diamonds, and we got the ho.

- Motherfucker. - Piper: Whoo!

Clitinators, mount up.

Wh-What?

Let's go!

Bye, bitches.

Sven!

In the game.

Set it up!

Set it up.

Move 69!

Sven Special!

And... hike!

Aah!

Baby? Baby? Are you okay?

Baby, you saved my necklace.

Hey, honey, you want to go get some chicken and waffles?

Okay, let's go, baby.

Come on, get your ass up. Come on.

Kicker my ass.

Good job, buddy.

Whoo!

Here he comes.

Oh, God. I think I just shit myself.

Everything's cool.

It's fucking cool, bro.

We're cool. Oh, we're fucked.

Daddy!

Hi, princess.

I missed you.

I missed you. Who's this?

Just call me Mommy.

Piper, we talked about this.

Be a good girl for Daddy, okay?

- Okay. - All right.

I'm so glad you're home.

Yeah, I'd better be, too.

Hi. I'm Lena Starr.

Well, hello.

Huge Titty Nights. Big fan.

Thank you.

Daddy, we have a surprise for you.

Oh, really?

Uncle Joey, listen, it's something special.

I think you're going to like it.

I'd better.

Hi. William Christopher Sham.

Lakey, time is money.

My money.

So let's get this shit show on the road, shall we?

Yeah.

Hi, Mr. Prego. I'm very excited

to show you our film tonight.

It's going to be great.

It's been awesome.

It's been a wonderful experience,

and I cannot wait to show you...

Shut the fuck up and grab some wood, okay, Shampoo?

Roger that.

Whoo!

Aah!

So what did you think?

That...

was...

- brilliant! - Yes.

You guys had hot chicks.

You had hot chicks as cheerleaders.

You had hot chicks and cheerleaders

and tits!

Glorious, glorious, la-la-la-la tits!

What more, sweet Baby Jesus in the fucking manger,

does the movie public need, do I ask you?

Holy shit!

Lakey, you're not retarded.

You did a great job.

No more pounding nails for you, pal.

It's nothing but hot chicks of choice for you

from here on out.

Sham-a-long-a-ding-dong?

Yes, sir.

You're going to have to change that name, son.

You're going to be big... huge!

Fuck Kevin Smith. Fuck Lee Scott.

Gonna blow his ass off the map.

My little starlet.

My little sweetheart, my little princess.

Look at what you can do when you're sober.

We always knew you'd take after Grandma.

I'm so proud.

And, Lena, you ever need a sugar daddy...

you know who to call.

Oh, Papa Prego.

I'm not sure you could tame this horse.

Pfft. Sweetheart, you ever want to take a ride,

all you got to do is saddle up.

Chk-chk. Giddyup.

As much as it pains me to say this, boys,

you didn't fuck it up.

Yes! Yes!

Group hug. Eee!

Get it. Get it, son, get it.

Hey, guys, look what I got.

What, birthday boobs?

No. That, too. First class tickets.

Cool.

Whoa. Uncle Joey Prego hooked us up

with a rap gig?

Close. Lena hooked us up.

We're going to Hawaii.

I've never flown first class before.

We're just staying at one of my father's resorts.

No biggie.

Did you say resorts, plural?

My real name isn't Lena Starr, silly.

It's Seasons.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

As in Seven Seasons Resort and Spa?

Bingo.

Oh. That was my idea from before.

We could have just used my credit card

to finish the movie.

Oh, well.

Can you say "sequel"?

Not so fast!

Lake: Grandma!

Me and sugar pants are tying the knot.

Nobody's perfect.

Told you, this is the most pivoval scene in the movie.

Two...

Where am I going to get a photo double...

Juicy oranges?

What did you just say?

Just chuck it.

Director: Cut.

You got punched right in the face, dude.

By a woman.

Oh.

And we gave you some Valium.

Oh, cool. How many?

One.

Three.

Hello, Clarice.

You want answers?

Cock! I heard it. I heard that.

My ball... Mmm.

Not a finger!

Huh!

All right, listen, baby,

I got you something, too, man,

for all... all those times

you're getting your hole punched in.

St. Bernard at home

all big and furry.

And we could just cut her hair off

and rip that shit.

No, you stupid fucking n... I...

Got to get the jacket, bitch!

Let's get the back... Jacket, bitch!

Go get her!

Carry me, bitch. Get on my back!

We got to get these motherfuckers.

Director: Look at each other.

Good, good. Cut.

I can't help...

crush them sons of bitches.

I'm Alpha, you're Delta...

I'm Sigma, you're Veta... PETA... Beta...

Beta Pi.

Fucking yes.

Fuck the enemy. No, wait.

Baby...

I think I want to fuck you right now.

I think I have to drop...

Pimp hand.

Sometimes!

Can we do it again?

Which one of you two guys is first?

Gobble, gobble.

Director: And cut. Okay, let's go...

Yeah, Shamrocks!

Bam!