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That's in touch,
and that's full time.

Better luck next time, buddy.

Three cheers
for the South London Stags.

- Hip Hip...
- Hooray.

- Hip Hip.
- Hooray.

- Hip Hip.
- Hooray.

- Good game, boys.

- Chin up, boys.

That was a great game.

Yeah, it was close, so I
don't want you worrying

about the score line.

Those fat, straight old blokes,

they've been playing a
lot longer than you have.

But, as first games go, it
was really fucking great.

You were aggressive, you
supported each other,

and you held your own against
a much more experienced side.

It's a great start to the
season, and you know what?

Come on.

I'm fucking excited.

Shower up, and lets go
and have a few beers.

- Think he's paying?

- Eating for two, babe?

- I don't want to become a
skinny bitch

like one of this lot.

Carbs!

- Ladies and Gentlemen.

I'm going to jump straight
in and say a big thank you

to our hosts, the Rochester
boys, for the Rugby lesson,

and most generous hospitality.

It's much appreciated.

I promise we'll return
the favor at our place,

on both fronts, when the time
comes.

Now, for man of the match,
it was an easy choice

to set the tone for this season.

This man put in an incredibly
tenacious

and creative performance,

and he might even have won
it for us at the end there,

if he just looked inside.

No, but really, really great
work,

and I can see that you're going
to be

a big asset for us this season.

So, well done, Mark Newton.

And my first Dick Of The Day
award goes to the only man

I've ever known to tackle
one of his own players.

Fuck.

- Mr. Pink.

I hit my head

- He is a stag
lad, he is a stag lad,

he shouts it proudly,
night and day, hey, hey.

He's never lonely when we are
with him,

and he knows how to put a pint
away, pint away, pint away,

pint away, pint away,
pint away, pint away.

- You didn't get
any pictures today? Mark.

- Oh, yeah, no, I wasn't really
in the mood after the game,

to be honest.

- Shame. That ref would
have made a nice picture.

- Oh, he was hot.

- Shall I book
us tickets for tomorrow?

What do you fancy seeing?

- Tomorrow?
- Yeah.

- Look, I can't. Ricky's coming
over.

- Cumming? It's been a while,
hasn't it?

Hasn't it healed over by
now? Isn't there cobwebs?

- Yeah, and spiders. I bet
there's spiders in there and
all.

- I don't know about
you,

but I would kill my
firstborn for a mojito.

- Firstborn what?

- Cocktails at the
clubhouse. You'll be lucky.

- Ugh

- Yeah, I'll buy you a pint.

Look, I agreed
to your little project

to train up new players to
eventually join

and benefit the A squad,

not to burn through our limited
funds

with a whole other separate
team,

and carting them off-
- Yeah, but just recruiting

experienced players isn't
going to put us on the map.

- We're already on the map.

The A's win almost all their
games.

For years, we fought tooth and
nail to get the recognition

and respect that we now
have as a serious club,

not some novelty act.

I won't go back to that.

- And having a B team
that loses a few games

isn't going to change anything.

They just need a bit of time.

It was their first game of the
season.

Please, Barry.

- Just be sure that you're
not letting your pride

drag our name through the dirt.

- Cunts. Like they own the
place.

- Deep breaths, Pinky.

- I'm from the As. Watch us
wave our big dicks about.

- Trust me, I've seen a few of
them,

and they're not all
worth writing home about.

- They're not all cunts, you
know.

- Oh yeah? Is that why you
dropped down to play with us?

- See, now there we go.

- Cheers, boys.

- So, they won then?

- Of course they did.

You can smell the smugness in
the air.

- Do they even like
each other?

No. Not really.

- What's the fucking point,
then?

- It's just a different
mentality, isn't it?

That's why they keep winning, I
guess.

- You are such a size queen.

- She doesn't even
care who it's attached to,

as it needs a whole tub of lube
to fit

into that tight little arse of
hers.

- Honey, at least I have an
arse, okay?

I don't even know what you
call that mound of sand

hanging off your back.

Now, you see that guy?

- What, the muscle daddy?

Saw him at the urinals earlier.

I checked out the goods.
The homework is done.

Now, I just have to hand in my
assignment,

if you know what I mean.

- I'm glad to see all those
years in English school paid up,

I really am.

- Watch it, mate.
- Sorry.

- Henry, Henry.

with me, alright?

Jesus.

Henry, how much have you had?

I, er...

Shall I get you some water, or
something?

- No, just leave.
Please, go. Go.

- You're Mark Newton, right?

- Yeah, that's right.

- I've heard a lot of
good things about you.

- Who from?

- Man of the
match today. Not bad.

- That?

- No, well done. I'm Warren.

- Are you in the A squad?

I mean, I saw you at
the clubhouse earlier,

but I've not seen you round
before.

- Yeah, I've been out for
a while with an injury.

Fucked my leg, but I'm back
and fit to play again now.

- Clearly.

- Do you want a drink?

- Sure.

- Two shots of tequila.

You serious?

- Puts hairs on your chest.

- Oh, is that something I want,
is it?

- You tell me.

- I didn't realize you lot
spoke to us lowly mortals.

- We make exceptions for certain
people.

- Is that right? I'm honored.

- As you should be.

Yeah?

Well, you certainly live
up to the stereotype.

- Devilishly handsome?

- Full of yourselves.

- I'm hurt.

- Really? I didn't realize
you As bruised so easily.

That must make things
a bit impractical, no?

- Do you even get bruised in the
B team?

Doesn't that involve
taking some hits first?

- You're a piece of work, you
know that?

Enjoy the rest of your night.

Henry?

- Fuck.

- Everything all right?

- You shouldn't have brought me
here.

- Excuse me?

- Where's my wallet?

- Why are you in such a rush?

Hey.

- Bye.

- Oh, wow.

You really are living up to
the A-Squad-A-hole stereotype,

aren't you?

- I have a boyfriend.

- Well that might have been
useful information last night,

don't you think?

- You never asked.

- When was I supposed to
do that?

Before or after you
cornered me in a toilet

and stuck your tongue down my
throat?

- He's a Stag.

- Who?

- John Penrose. He's in
my team-

- Yeah, I know who he is.

- Yeah, well he
can't find out about this,

so don't fucking tell him
or anyone, you hear me?

- Relax, Jesus, I won't.

- I'm serious.

- Yeah, I can see that.

- Look, I don't mean to be-

- Just go, all right?

Go on.

- Hey.

- Hey.

You eaten?

- No, not really.

- You look rough.

- Thank you. I went out last
night.

- With your pretend rugby team?

- And how was your flight?

- Did you
bring one of them home?

- Richard, do we really
going to do this right now?

You've literally just walked in
the door.

- Well, you're going
to love

what I've got to say next.

I've got to go away again in two
days.

- You serious?

- For a month.
- A month?

Are you joking?

- Flight's booked on
Tuesday.

I'm sorry.

- Hey, where did
you end up Saturday night?

You disappeared.

- Just home. I tried looking for
you, but-

- It's fine. I
was just a bit smashed.

- I'll say.
That's one word for it.

What was his name again?

- What's this?

- You've got to hear
this.

- No, he doesn't,
actually.

- So this one
was stumbling about,

saying he was leaving, but
before he goes,

he runs into the guy that
Neil's been making out with

all night.

- Oh Henry, no.

- Yeah. Sloppy seconds.

- Gareth really pisses me off.

- That's just him.
Nobody actually cares.

- I do.

- Okay.

Was this guy really that bad?

- No, mate. Worse.
It was not my finest moment.

- Jog back, jog back.

- Right, excellent.

Keep it low, guys.

Good, smash, good.

That's it, good hit.
That's it. Well done. Good.

Hit! Good hit. Good hit.

Try and keep driving through all
the way.

Good, excellent. Good hit.

Okay, it's your mother
in law. Give her a hit.

Good, good. That's it.

- A squad, over
with me, far pitch, please.

- Rich?

- Hey.

- I can stand here and smile
at you all night, if you like.

- Sorry, come in.

- Wow.

That's really something.

- Yeah. Yeah, it never gets old.

- How can you afford this place?

- Well, actually,
it's my partner Richard's.

What? You never asked either.

- You know, I think
I can see my place from here.

All the way down there, with
the other little people.

- Do you want a drink?

- Actually. An attempt to redeem
myself.

Sorry about Sunday.

- Thanks. I wasn't really
expecting you to message me.

- I felt bad
about not doing it before.

I didn't really like how things
were left.

- I have been thinking
about you, I suppose.

- Really?

I've barely thought about you at
all.

So, how long have you been
together?

- About 4 years.

- Okay. But you guys
are open?

- Yeah, obviously.

- I don't think John
would ever agree to that.

- So, you just do
it behind his back instead?

- Hey. That's never
happened before. I mean it.

- Okay, all right.
No need to get defensive.

- I'm not.

I'm really not.

- Okay. I'm only teasing.

- So, do you have rules
or something, then?

- Actually, yeah. But
they're all Richard's ones.

- What? No sleeping with rugby
players?

- Surprisingly, that's
actually not one of them.

Although that is the only reason
he thinks

I joined the Stags.

- Well, is it?

- No.

- So, why did you, then?
Did you play at school?

- I bet you were very good at
school.

You were, weren't you?

Typical A team player.

- You guys really don't like us,
do you?

- Well you don't really help
yourselves.

Speaking of which, I saw
you and John at training.

- Oh. The happy couple?

- You tell me.

- So, what were those rules
again?

Of your open relationship.

- Okay.

So, no one we know.

I have to tell Rich about
anyone that I sleep with.

- and, um

- And?

- And no repeat visits.

- Is that so?

So, I'm guessing Richard knows
I'm coming round tonight?

- Not exactly, no.

- But he knows about Saturday
night?

Breaking all the rules. We're
doing so well, aren't we?

- Shut up.

- So, I guess you could say

that we're not the perfect
couple either.

- Well, if I were him I'd kick
your arse

out of this fancy place.

- It's a good thing you're
not him, then, isn't it?

- Yeah, you wouldn't want
to get involved. I'm awful.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah, definitely not.

- I should just stay clear.

- Probably best.

- Probably.

- You're going to be trouble.

- Drive through. Drive
it up.

Keep your back straight, guys.

- Ready, ready, ready,
go.

- Ready, ready, ready.

- Good,
remember, enter the tackle

with your leading leg, so
you control the contact.

Okay?

- Ready, ready, ready,
go.

- That's it.

- Good, good, good, good,
well done.

- Ready, ready, ready,
up!

- Easy, Pinky.

- All right, China doll.

- Ready, ready, ready,
go.

Ready, ready, ready, go.

- A squad.

- I'm not going to lie, Pinky.

Watching Gareth bitch and
moan when you took him down,

it made me feel all kinds of
warm inside.

- It was good, wasn't it?

- Get off.

- All right, man. Calm down.

- Hello, John.

Warren, you're back?

- Yeah.

I've been given the all
clear to play again.

- So he says, anyway.

- Oh, John,
these are my teammates.

This is Pinky and Mark.

- Pinky, Mark? I'm John,
this is Warren, my partner.

- Nice to meet you, Mark. Pinky.

- Warren and I are
talking about going for some food,

you guys want to join?

- I'd love to.

- Oh, I've got to head
off.

Got work to do before bed.

- Yeah, no, I should probably
head off too, actually.

- Oh, come on, Mark.

He was just moaning that he was
starving.

Where were you thinking?

- Somewhere local.

- Somewhere local?

- Yeah, sure. Let's.

Yeah

- I know somewhere
lovely.

- It was the way she came
down and leered at us

as we came off the pitch.

- No, but at least
we had supporters, though.

- True.

- God, I miss being a
student.

- Well, you still
drink like you are.

Don't you want to settle down,

and have a nice man and a dog
someday?

- What, and end up like
this one?

- Henry.
- Oh fuck, I'm sorry.

All chained up and unhappy.

No, no, there is still far
too much exploring to do.

- Okay, Columbus. I think
that's enough, mate.

- What the fuck?

- It's true, man.

Your teeth have reached a
delightful shade of Merlot.

- Who the fuck are
you? The fucking tooth fairy?

- Well, it's a
pleasure to meet you, Mark.

It'd be nice to meet Richard
sometime.

- Now, speaking of the tooth
fairy.

You never see him.

But there's always money under
the pillow.

- Okay, bill please?

- Come on, come on.

Look, look, he doesn't
come to any of his games.

None of them, but it's fine,
because,

"We're in a long distance
relationship."

- Henry, that's
enough. That's enough.

- Okay.

He gets by with the
occasional fuck on the side

to keep him going-
- Enough.

Leave it.

- Henry, never change,
man.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. You all right?

- Yeah.
- Stand up.

Come on. Right.

- all right?

- God, I wanted to die.

- Really? I thought it
was hot.

- What is wrong with you?
What about that was hot?

- Henry has a lot to say
for himself, doesn't he?

- What were you thinking,

inviting me out to dinner
with your fucking boyfriend?

- It's just another Stag,
and one of Henry's friends.

- I don't care. I don't care.

Christ, I was bursting out of my
skin.

- I was bursting out of my
pants. I still fucking am.

- You're unbelievable.

- Guys, man.

Are you both going to leave me
here with this human puddle?

- Yeah, I'll order a taxi now.

- Taxi.

- What are you doing
this week?

I want to take you out.

- Guys.

- I'm doing it. Are you fucking
serious?

- Taxi.

- Is that a yes?

- Yes, all right. Just shut up,
Okay?

- God.

Cried my eyes out during that.

- You're joking. It was so
boring.

I'm choosing the next one.

- How could you not cry
when his mother died?

- I don't know.

Maybe because I'm not
tired and over-emotional?

- Who's that?

- It's nothing.

- Richard?

- What?

- Richard.

- Er, No. Um-

Look, I'm sorry, I've got to go.

- What?

- It's work. Something's come
up.

I've got to go deal with it.

- Oh, okay.

Right, Well, I guess
I'll see you at training.

- Yeah, yeah, definitely.

- You are late.

- You are early.

- Come on.

- You know, I haven't been to
the fair since I was a kid.

- Yes.

- No, I'm not going on
that.

No, I'm not going on that.

- Live a little. It'll be fun.

- No.

Hey!

No, wait, Warren, I...

- Let's go back to yours.

- Okay?

- Yeah.

- Are you staying over?

- I can't. Sorry.

- No it's fine. I understand.

Why do you stay with him?

- I could ask you the same
thing.

- Yeah, I know, I know.

But like,

- But like, why do you stay
together

when you know things aren't
right?

- Is this about you and
Richard or me and John?

- A bit of both, maybe?

- Do we have to talk about this?

- No, no, of course not.

Forget I said anything.

- Okay. Five years ago-
- Oh god, I'm getting

the full story aren't I?

- Shh!

- Five years ago-
- Look I take it back,

I take it back.

I wish I'd never asked, just
spare me.

- Listen.

I was in a bit of a bad place.

- Oh What? Croydon?

Sorry.

- John was good to me.

He introduced me to the
Stags, got me back into rugby.

- Spare me the white knight
cliche.

- I'm sorry, Mr. "I live in my
boyfriend's

expensive penthouse."
- Oi.

- I'm just saying I think
it's a bit different.

- A bit?

- Well, maybe a few
similarities.

- Two seconds. Just
stay there. Don't move.

Just as you are.

- What is that?
- Just stay still.

10 seconds.

- Whoa.
- Don't smudge it.

- That's amazing.

- Thanks.

- One for your
collection?

- Yeah. Something like that.

Something to remember the day
by.

- Okay, guys, right.

Got a big game this weekend,
yeah?

Cardiff, away, on their home
turf.

I'm going to be putting
out the team list tomorrow,

so you can sort out your
travel arrangements.

If you've got any problems with
that,

come and talk to the captain.

Now, I've got a good pool of
players I can choose from.

I'm going to choose the
strongest team possible.

- and I make no apologies to
any of you aren't on that team.

All right?

But if you got an issue about
it,

you can come and speak to me,

and if you want to chat
about improving your game,

you can do that as well.

But as ever, my decision
is final. All right?

And it goes without saying
that if you're not chosen,

you can come along and
support your teammates,

and I hope that many of
you will, I really do.

Good, let's go.

- Don't worry
about it. You'll be fine.

- You'll be fine.
There's no one as fat as you.

Fingers crossed for you though,
love.

- Oh, Mark. I'll book us
a hotel room for Cardiff.

- Yeah, yeah. What about you,
Pink?

- I'll crash with Carlos,
if he's selected, anyway.

Says he won't go otherwise as,

"Cardiff is too far and too shit
to go

just for a night out."

- What? You're playing the
Draconians?

- Yeah.

- Good luck. They even
gave us a run for our money.

- Great.

- Stuart must be
splashing out,

because Barry hasn't
sent us there for years.

- Northern line:
the train now approaching

is to...

- You go on up ahead. I'll hang
back.

- Yeah, sure.

- Boys, selection's up.

- Ooh, yes.

- What? Give me a sec.
Okay, South London Stags.

B team Cardiff away game.

Okay, here we go.

Pinky, Jimmy, Gareth, Vlad,
Bjorn.

- He's not been
at training in weeks.

- He still put himself down as
available.

- Dean, Peter H,
Frankie, me, scrum half.

Thank you very much, Stu. Tom at
10-

- Thank God. Someone decent
to catch your shitty throws-

- Mark and Henry in the centers.

Carlos and Liam on the
wings, and Ian at 15.

Subs on the bench, York, Ford
and Warren Hunt. What? Who?

- - Jimmy] Wait, is that
right? Let me see that.

- Oh shit, Bad luck Oli.

- No, it's fine. Maybe
I'll still come watch.

- Not sure why you look
so happy.

Stuart isn't going to leave
an A team player on the bench.

He'll be in the starting lineup.

- He's a prop, isn't he?

- Oh Fuck, yeah. He is. Well,
that's one of us out then, G.

- He just wants to
give him a run out on the pitch

at some point.

I'm not worried.

- He said he was going
to field the strongest team.

- Clearly not, because
he selected you, didn't he?

- Fuck you.
- I bet you would.

But even I have standards.

- Hey, hey.
- Whoa.

- Let's grab a drink.

- Not tonight.

- Turning down
a drink? That's a first.

- Are you insane? What were you
thinking?

- Relax. Look, I just spoke
to Stuart and I told him that-

- You spoke to Stuart?
And said what exactly?

- I just told him I fancied an
easy game

to get back into things after
injury,

and also wouldn't mind a good
night out.

- An easy game? Yeah?

What, and you don't think
people might find that

a little suspicious?

That an A team player
just decided to randomly

come and play with us for a
game?

What did John say?

Have you even spoken to him?

Christ, Warren.

I can't believe you've fucking
done this.

- You're over-reacting.

It'll be fun. We'll get to play
together.

- Did you even think to ask
if I'd be okay with this?

No, you didn't.

- I've booked us a hotel room.

- A hotel room? That's
wonderful. Really, really.

That's wonderful. That's the
best one yet.

Probably shouldn't arrive
together.

- for the 8:18
Great Western Railway Service

to Cardiff Central...

- - Jimmy] Right, they're going
by car.

Ah, hello.

- Hola.

- - Jimmy] One train ticket for
you sir.

- Thanks.

Right. Is that everyone?

- Er, Pinky's not here
yet.

- - Jimmy] Of course he's not.
He's got about five minutes.

Better hurry up.

Ah, finally.

- Dick of the day
already, Pinky.

- No, it was dick last night.

- Right guys,
it's shitty weather.

Get out there quickly, warm
up, kick off in 30 minutes.

Vlad, get yourself strapped
up. You're jumping.

- Fuck, I'm actually quite
nervous.

- You'll be fine. Just think
of it like any other game.

- Right, I want you to
start

your pre-match mental rituals.

Visualize those first
tackles. Those first hits.

How are they going to feel?

I want you to get in the right
head-space.

Channel that aggression.

Get rid of all that mental
baggage, and just focus.

Okay, Pinky, you're
going to be loose-head.

Jimmy, you're going to be
hooker. Warren, tight-head.

Sorry G, but I need a lot of
experience

against this team today.

I'll bring you on for the second
half.

In the engine room, we've
got Vlad, Bjorn, Flankers,

we've got Pete and Dean,
and number eight, Felix.

Neil, you're going to be
number nine, Tommy, 10,

and then the centers,
we've got Mark, Henry.

Mark, I want you to play
outside center today.

Let's see how that goes.

On the wings, we've got Liam and
Carlos.

Fullback, we've got Yorkie.

Ian, I'll bring you on for
Yorkie in the second half.

Just keep yourself warm and
ready.

- Two minutes, gents.

- Thank you, sir.

- Right, captain. What you got?

- I've got aggression,
yeah? We've got hunger.

And I've got your backs.

I need you to have mine
and each other's, yeah?

Now, I didn't come all the way
to Wales

in this shitty fucking weather

to see us lot give anything
less than 100%, okay?

Yeah, no mercy. Come on, yes.

Three, two, one.

- Stags!

- Okay, guys, really
well done, really well done,

but we're not there yet.

I was going to make a few
changes,

but I'm going to keep the lineup
as it is.

Pinky, one, fantastic teamwork.

Mark, brilliant try.

Let's get back up there
and do the business.

- Lads, lads. A little something
to toast our first victory.

- - Jimmy] Gentlemen? Thank you.

That was a tough game,

and I think I'm going to be
walking funny

for a few days after that.

Thank you, Cardiff, for
hosting us so generously,

and for giving us such a
good run for our money.

So thank you.

- And for our man of the match
this week,

I think it's got to go to
someone

who really turned the game
around for us.

The kind of performance that I
think

we should all aspire to.

And it's been a few years,
but I for one really enjoyed

having him back in amongst us.

And I know that, strictly
speaking,

he's not one of our number,

but I can't think of anyone more
deserving

than Mr. Warren Hunt.

And a bit of housekeeping before
we go on.

When we talk about aggression...

- Warren Hunt.

He sounds like he's from
a long line of hunts.

- - Jimmy] Vlad the Impaler
for starting a fight

on our opponents.

- He is a stag lad, he is a stag
lad,

- Oh it's such a
beautiful sight.

- Shut up.

- What the fuck's wrong with
you?

- It's a joke, Jimmy giving
him fucking man of the match.

If he loves his old teammates so
much,

he can fuck off back to them.

- Come on. Like we won, okay?
Just enjoy the night, yeah?

We were lucky to have him,
anyway.

- Lucky? Do you want to
fuck him or something?

- Come off it, chica.

- No, Pinky, I'm
serious.

What's the point in us coming
all this way

just to have an A team Asshole
swoop in for the glory?

While some of us sit on the
sidelines.

- I know, it's brilliant.

- Henry, if you hate
your team mates so much-

- Just the one. One.

I like you.

- Grow up.

- Okay. Drink, anyone?

- I don't think I'll be winning

any popularity contests tonight.

- Since when has that bothered
you? They'll get over it.

They're just wired a bit
differently, that's all.

- Clearly. We were over the
moon after our first win.

- They're not that bothered
about it,

unlike our dear old
chairman, unfortunately.

- You want me to speak with him?

- Not going to make much
difference.

Today will just give us
a bit longer, that's all.

Anyway, you've got bigger
things to worry about.

- What are you doing? Henry?

- I miss you.

- I see you all the time, you
idiot-

- You're always off, now. Doing
things.

You don't love me anymore.
- Don't be stupid.

What is this?

- Oh look, it's anywhere else
but here!

- Pink, can you just hold
this for a second? Please?

- Oh no, no, you don't.

- No, come on, come on.

- I hate you.

- Thank you. I'll be
outside.

- You've no idea how much
I've wanted to do that today.
- 你不知道
我今天有多想这样做。

- Yeah?

You could do it again if you
like.

- I really loved
playing with you today.

I'm glad you came.

- Me too.

- Oh, fuck.

Fuck

Morning, sleeping beauty.

You're going to get it.

- Oh my God, he lives.

- Don't.

- You have no idea the night
that we've had with this one.

Where were you, man?

- Fuck, guys, I'm sorry.

I was knackered and I
guess I just sort of-

- You must have
slept like the fucking dead,

because we were hammering
on your door for an hour.

- Cinderella here lost her room
card.

- Who'd you pull?

- What? Henry, seriously?
Come on.

- How did you not hear us?

He had to sleep on our floor,
after we rinsed him off,

fully clothed in the shower.

- Do you like vomit?
No?

Neither do we.

- I'm right here.

- Oh my God, Henry. Not one more
word.

- Wow. Ever the walking
advert for contraception.

- Leave off, will you?

- I don't blame you,
Mark.

I wouldn't share a room with
that either.

Clearly, boys, he found
somewhere better to stay.

- He better not have.

- Look, I'm sorry, all
right?

I went to bed, and must have
passed out.

And since when is it my
responsibility

to look after him, anyway?

He's an adult, isn't he?

- If you say so.

- Hello.

- Jesus.

You bastard, I almost died.

- Nice to see you, too.

- Thought you weren't
back until next week.

- We finished early,

so they transferred my flight.

Do you mind if we head out?
I'm absolutely starving.

- Really? Do we have to? I'm
shattered.

- How was your football
match? Did you win?

- I told you already.

- Did you? Well were
you 'Man of the Moment'?

- Look, can we just get a
takeaway or something, instead?

- Yeah, fine. Here, chuck me
that kit.

I'll throw it in the wash.

Who's Warren Hunt?

- Just a teammate. Why?

- You've got his shirt in your
bag.

Shall I chuck it in with the
rest?

- Yeah. Sure, thanks. I'll
give it to him at training.

- Hey mate.

Congratulations on the game
Saturday.

- Yeah, it was great.

I didn't get to play
though, but no big deal.

- Henry.

- That's a shame.
- Henry.

- Mark. You off, love?

- Yeah. Other half's over, so we
just...

- And you still
came to training? Good man.

- Good man, indeed. Hope you
have a lovely evening together.

Doing anything nice?

- No, not really,
just a quiet night in.

- Lovely. Enjoy your
evening.

- Thanks.

See you.

- See you.

- See you later, mate.

- While I remember, have
you decided about Christmas?

- Rich, we've talked about this.

I've already booked flights.

- Yeah, I know.

I just thought it would be nice

if we could spend some
time in the UK together.

- You could always come with me.

- I can't ski.

- You're not that bad,
Rich.

- That is not what your dad
said.

- So that's a no, then, is it?

- I never get to spend
any time with my family-

- Yeah, and neither do I.
- Then it's settled.

There's not much point
discussing it further, is there?

- Try again.

- Yeah loop, and loop, and loop!

Henry!

What's that?

- Next line, ready?

- Yes.

- Come on, Henry.

- Next line.

- Yeah.

- Okay, guys, that's
it. Time to go in. Come on.

- What was that?

Hey.

Everything all right?

- Why wouldn't it be?

- Well, obviously it's not.

You've barely spoken to me all
week.

- Well, you are an adult, Mark,

so I'm sure you'll survive.

- Oh, come on. Look, fine
I'm sorry, but seriously-

Because you've been a shitty
friend for the last few months.

I mean, you never want to hang
out.

You don't want to do anything
outside of training, so -

Mate, Cardiff, that was
just the tipping point.

As I was really looking forward
to finally

spending some time together.

- Well, I thought we did.

That is, until you got smashed

out of your fucking mind, as
usual.

- Who the fuck are you? Gareth?

- What's the problem?
- Give me a fucking break.

- What is the problem, then?

I didn't babysit you and rub
your back

while you were throwing
up on some street corner?

- Fuck you, Mark.

- Look, I'm sorry I'm not the
shining example of friendship

that you clearly expect me to
be.

Have you any idea what's
going on in my life?

More to the point, have you even
asked?

- Okay, then. Tell me, tell me.

What kind of actual problems do
you think

you have in your life, Mark?

Hmm?

- You know what, Henry?

Forget it. It doesn't matter.

Just forget it.

- No problem.

- This is driving me fucking
crazy. When's Richard leaving?

- I don't know, Okay?

- What do you mean, you don't
know?

- End of the week, maybe?

I think.

Stop it, Warren. This is fucking
insane.

Warren.

- That was a little
harsh. I do feel bad about it.

- Don't be.
He's a petulant child.

I don't know why you care.

He'll get over it.

- Last night was really
difficult for me.

- How do you think I feel?
Knowing you were with him.

- You go back to John every
night.

- It's not the same.

- You think I
like having to hide this

from everyone we know,

while I watch you parade around
with him?

- I hate you being with him.

- Well, now you know how
it feels.

If you want to change
that, you know what to do.

- Oh, because that's so
simple?

- Well, it's
not impossible, Warren.

- Do you have any idea the
drama that would cause?

- Oh what, and you care
about that, do you?

- You're so naive sometimes-
- And you're a cunt.

- I'm sorry.

It's just -

- It's just a bit overwhelming.

- Anyway.

So, I was thinking.

Are you still on your
own over the holidays?

- Well.

Me and John's family don't
exactly get on.

- Okay.

So, come with me, to my parent's
place.

- Are you serious?

- Is that a yes?

- Yeah I know. You too.

- Does he suspect anything?

- Not a thing. And what's to
suspect?

I'm going to Geneva to see my
friends.

- So, are you ready?

- Yeah, got my passport.

- No, I mean to meet my parents.

- Why? Should I be worried?

I bet your mum's fierce.

- Oh she is.

So fierce.

- Oh God, she is.

- Yeah. You'll be fine.
Don't worry about it.

- She is, isn't she?

Mark.

Mark.

- Hello.
- Hello, Mark.

- How you doing?

- - Alice] How was your flight?
Come in!

- Yeah, no, we survived, just
about.

- And you must be Warren.

Leonard.
- Pleasure.

- - Alice] It's lovely to meet
you, Warren.

I'm Alice. You boys look
thirsty.

I'll get you a drink.

So, Mark tells me you're quite
the player.

- He's in the A squad,
Mom.

- - Alice] I bet.

- - Len] Do you ski, Warren?

- I do, yes. Well, I
have.

I went a couple of times
when I was younger.

- - Alice] Dad will take
you both out tomorrow.

You can borrow one of
our suits if you like.

You look like you'll fill it out
well.

- It's a bit on the snug side.

- Let's have a look. Oh
yeah. I can see that.

- How do I look?

- Tight.

- You OK?
- Yeah.

I think I might have
overestimated my ability.

- You'll be fine. Come on.

Well look at that. Finally a
sport I can-

- Don't even say it.

- Off we go.

- My God, you must be freezing.

- I grew up here, didn't I?

- Thank you.

- What for?

- All of this.

Your mother is, um -

- interesting.

- Yeah, she's a bit eccentric.

- You're so lucky.

- You know, you weren't
actually that bad today.

- Everything hurts.

- I didn't realize you
A's bruise so easily.

- You know, I'm pretty sure
that they've gone to bed.

- I won't tell if you won't.

- And when did you start smoking
again?

- I wasn't talking about the
cigarette.

It's so wonderful to have
you out here, darling.

And of course, Warren is lovely.

- Yeah.

Am I doing the right thing,
though?

- When I met your father,

I could barely take my eyes off
him, too.

He wasn't available either.

- What?

- I was no angel.

At the time, I was sleeping
with my history professor,

but we both knew that was just
sex.

But what sex it was.
- Mum. Please.

- Your father, however, was with
Jennifer.

Huge tits, like you've never
seen.

The point I'm trying to make
is that they were in love.

High school sweethearts.

So, naturally, he couldn't
keep his hands off me.

We went about the campus
hiding in shadows,

sneaking into one another's
bedrooms, for months.

I put up with living in
Jennifer's shadow,

because I knew I could
eventually steal his heart.

Jennifer was heartbroken.

After he ended it, she sent me a
letter.

It was one of the most
distressing things I've ever read.

I still have it. Your father has
no idea.

We got married not long
after, and then we had you,

my favorite human being on this
earth.

But darling, your Father
has never changed.

The whole town knew about
Natalie.

- My Au Pair?
Christ, Mom. I was five.

- - Alice] And the years of
stolen moments

That's just the two I know
about.

- Mum, this is a whole lot to
take in.

- - Alice] I've learnt to live
with your father's infidelity.

Every year, we get a little
older,

but it doesn't get any easier.

Oh, he loves me, and I love him,

but I understand something now

that I didn't all those years
ago, from Jennifer's letter.

I understand not only
the collateral damage

an affair causes,

but how a relationship born from
deception

only continues to create more.

Get some sleep.

- He's getting better.

- I really like him.

- Whatever makes you happy.

- Dad, I wanted to ask you
something.

- Yeah?

- Me and Mom, we talked
about Jennifer last night.

- One too many rosés, then.

- Yeah, I guess.

I don't know, it's just-
- Mark, I love your mother.

I don't know why she wants to
dig up this ancient history.

Warren seems like a good man.

His tits aren't as nice as
Jennifer's though I have to say.

Listen.

Life comes at you fast.

Sometimes, it's hard
to find the joy in it,

so you just need to grab
hold of it whenever you can.

- I guess it's just hard to
know what's the right thing.

Without hurting anyone.

- If you're always worried
about hurting someone,

you're going to miss out on some

of the most incredible stuff
that life has to offer.

WA-Hey.

Getting better.

- Yeah.

Ready?

- Yeah.

- Happy new year!

- Not quite, love.

- Oh shut up, sandy vagina.
Come in and get drunk.

You're welcome.

- Thanks.

- That is so bad.

- Hey, love. How were your
holidays?

- Yeah, no, really good,
thanks. Really good, thanks.

- Oh

- Still not patched things up?

- Do you think it's
salvageable?

- It's you.

Come on.

- Hey stranger.

- Hey.

- You okay?

- As good as I can be,
deep in enemy territory.

Look, is there any
chance that we can just -

- We can maybe start again?

- Yeah.

I miss you, buddy.

- I miss you.

Everything okay?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Happy new year, boys.

- Hey.

- So, any new year's
resolutions?

- Yeah, one or two.

- Excuse me a sec.

- You should go for it man.

- Honestly, he's not interested.
He's not.

Stop looking at me like that.

- What?

You know what you're doing.

- Same again, boys?

- Christ, I hate this.

- I know, and I'm
sorry, okay?

- Oh shit.

I'm so sorry.

- Fuck.

- It's okay, I didn't
see anything. Well, I did.

But I can pretend I didn't.
Okay, no, that's a lie too.

- Pinky, please. Don't say
anything.

- Okay, okay.

Warren.

- Hi, Pinky.

- Please, Pink.

- It's okay, I won't.

I'm just going back downstairs.

It's just, I just came to get my
charger.

You know what? Nevermind.
I'll come back later.

- 10 minutes, boys.

- Let's get a group photo.

- Lovely people, Team
B,

let's get a final team photo of
the year.

Give me your phone, Pink.

Mine's plugged in for the music.

- Mine's dead.

- You just went to
charge it.

- It's fine, just use mine.

- You as well. Come on.

- Three, two, one.

- Stags.

- What the fuck did you say to
him?

- Honestly, Mark.

It can't be easy for him to
compete for your attention,

even when you only had one
boyfriend.

- Jesus fucking Christ.

- I was doing him a favor,
really.

- Yeah, mate, you
can try and fucking run.

- Just leave it.

- Do you actually
care about anyone?

The team?

Me?

- Twelve, eleven, ten...

- It's the
countdown, man. Come on.

- Nine, eight,
seven, six, five, four,

three, two, one, happy new year.

- You fucking do it again
man! Fucking do it again -

- He isn't worth it.

- I'll kill him, you Fuck.
- Mate, mate,

he's not worth it, look at me.

He's not worth it, yeah?

- Well?

Are you going to say anything?

No.

- Maybe it's time you go sweet-

- Don't fucking touch me.

Happy fucking new year.

- Happy new year, baby.

- Rich, there's something that I
er-

- It's okay.

I already know.

I know everything.

- Who?

- Does it matter?

- Richard, I don't know what to
say-

- Don't.

Please.

- I'm so sorry.

- I've made up a
bed in the spare room for you.

You can pack your things in the
morning.

- no, that's a knock on,

and that's the ball game.

- Jimmy, can I have a
word?

- How have you been?

- Yeah. Yeah. No, good. Good.

Life's good.

- Barry is dropping the B team-

- Please don't, Pink.

- You can act like you don't
care-

- I don't.

Sorry.

I don't. Really.

It's not going to happen, okay?

So just drop it.

- I hated rugby in
school. Did you know that?

I was great at it, but
I hated every second.

Never thought I'd give it
another go.

Then I met all of you boys.

It was like finding a family.

Maybe being a Stag meant nothing
to you-

- This isn't fair, Pink.

- No, it isn't.

- Look, I'm sorry, okay? The
answer is no.

- Okay lads.
That's enough, let's go.

- Hey.

I need something from you.

- No way.

He doesn't want to see me.

- You owe us this.

- I can't stop thinking about
Christmas-

- Stop.

- Next time, I'll even beat
your dad down the mountain-

- Warren, there won't be a
next time. You know that.

- I miss you.

- Why are we even here?

Pinky spoke to you, didn't he?

- It really hurt that you never
answered.

- I'm surprised you care.

- Don't say that.

Mark.

I love you.

- And what good does that do me
now? Hmm?

- Why are you doing this?

- Why am I? Why are you, Warren?

What is it you want from
me? You had your chance.

It's all just words now.

Does John know you're here?

- How did we get here, Mark?

- Pinky gave me this.

Don't punish them.

- You're a good man, Mark.

- Go, go, go, go, go.

Ready, Ready Ready, go!

- It's been a
tough old season for us all,

but we've got everything to
fight for.

Now, the powers that be might
not believe in you, but I do,

completely, and I know
that every one of you

believes in each other.

So lets show that today

- and lets show that to
everybody who's watching.

- Come on, boys. Let's do this.
Hands in.

Three, two, one.

- Stags!

- Come on, boys.

- Have I missed much?

- It's five all and they've
just called half-time.

- - Jimmy] We need to focus
and get some discipline, yeah?

Can we get some water?

- Water.

- Right, listen up,
guys.

Their backs are unfit.

They're relying on their forward
power.

Mr. Pink, you see that flanker
over there?

- Which one?

- The pretty one.

- Oh, yeah.

- Take him out.

- I think I can manage that.

- Right, listen up.

Mark, Henry, you let the
forwards to do their work.

Then you're going to break
through the back line, all right?

That is how we are going win it.
Come on.

- Long time.

- Do you actually
understand all these rules?

- First match?

Well, first of all,
they're laws, not rules,

- and no,

but, I don't think anyone does.

Least of all, this ref.

- Oh you are so mine.

- - Referee] High tackle.

- That's not quite
what I meant, Mr. Pink.

- - Supporter] They're
one player down, now.

Five minutes left. Still a tie.

- Ladies, focus.

Henry, you got this.

- - Jimmy] Come on,
guys. It's not over yet.

Carlos.

- Wait, give it to Henry.

- - Jimmy] Well done, Henry.

- Thought I would finally see
what all the fuss was about.

- It means a lot.

I am sorry. I never meant to
hurt you.

- It's getting late.

- Look, maybe we can go for a
drink or something, sometime?

- I'm really glad I got
to see you play, Mark.

- - Jimmy] Where's Mark?

- Mark.

Come on.

- It's okay.

Go.

- Look at them.

You never really understood
how we used to win, did you?

But it was never about being the
best.

- Are we okay?

- We can work on it.

- Mark.

Mark, wait. Please.

Can we talk?

That was the best I've
ever seen you play, today.

- Thanks.

- I'm glad you came back.

John wanted to come
down and support Henry.

And um,

well,

- I just wanted to see the
old place for one last time.

- What do you mean?

- Me and John are leaving the
club.

It's probably for the best.

Now, I'm not so sure.

Seeing you this week again-

- Warren.

- I could go and end it
with him now, right now.

We could try again,
but properly this time-

- Please.

I really appreciate you coming
today.

I do.

Look, I just...

We lost our way.

- And I think I've found it
again now.

- I've got to go.

Come here.

- Boys!

- Nice yellow card today.

- Oh, fuck.

- Ladies and gentleman,

- Thank you.

Firstly, I'd like to express
our sincere gratitude

to the Rochester boys
for coming down today,

and providing us with such
spirited

and sporting opposition.

So thank you.

Though I must say it feels
pretty good

to have reclaimed the
honour today, on this day,

the day of our final match
together.

Our final match together this
season.

And I'd like to take this
opportunity to thank Stuart,

and each and every one of
my teammates, even Gareth.

My rugby family.

For reminding me, over
the course of this season,

what this game of rugby is
really about.

So thank you.

And now, for our man of the
match.

It was a tough call this week,

but I'd like to give it
to someone who I think

we all know has had his fair
share struggles off the pitch.

He never fails to put that
aside,

and give himself 100%
when he's on the pitch,

hungover or not.

Henry Michaels.

One non-alcoholic pint.

And now, for our dick of the
day.

We all know him. We all
still love him anyway.

He managed to get another
yellow card today.

He may just be our dick of the
season.

He is our dick of the season.
Mr. Pink.

- You fuckers. I hate you all.

- He is a stag
lad, he is a stag lad,

he shouts it proudly,
night and day, hey, hey!

He's never lonely when we are
with him,

and he knows how to put a pint
away,

pint away, pint away,
pint away, pint away,

pint away, pint away,
pint away, pint away,

pint away, pint away.

- Here he is!

- Don't you fucking dare.

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