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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,640 - Right, here we are. - The House of Hell. 2 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:35,040 - Wish us luck, then. - Yeah, 3 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:36,080 and we'll try not to 4 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:37,320 - get off with your dad. - (NERVOUS LAUGH) 5 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:39,920 Um, actually, if you could just wait here for a sec while we... 6 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,200 - Huh? - We'll be really quick. 7 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:43,800 - What do you mean? - We just need to nip in and... 8 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:46,040 I thought we were finally meeting your parents tonight. 9 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:47,680 No, no, you are finally meeting our parents tonight. 10 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:49,360 We just need to check on some stuff. 11 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:52,080 You mean threaten your mum and dad with an axe if they embarrass you. 12 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,000 - (LAUGHS) - What?! 13 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:55,640 That's so what they're doing. 14 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:57,800 - Er, Adam? - I'll turn the radio on. 15 00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,840 ...Both women were found shot in the head. 16 00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:01,800 - Thanks. - (LAUGHS) 17 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:03,440 Love you, babe! 18 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:08,720 - Rumbled. - A million percent. 19 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:10,960 - Ready? - Yep. 20 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:16,560 Candles?! 21 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,520 - Unbelievable! - Unbelievable! 22 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:20,600 - (BLOWS) - Flowers?! 23 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:21,960 Unbelievable! 24 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,400 - (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) - Music?! 25 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,800 Unbelievable! 26 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:27,640 (BLOWS) 27 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:30,600 (MUTTERING) 28 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:32,640 - It's called soup. - Agh! 29 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,120 What you doing, you buggers? 30 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,160 Why are you in a suit? 31 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:36,320 - We said no suit. - Yeah! 32 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:37,320 Where's your females? 33 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:38,800 - (GROANS) "Females." - And you better not 34 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:40,040 get their names wrong tonight. 35 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:41,400 Gloria and Elizabeth? 36 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:42,600 - What? - No - Lucy - 37 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,040 they're both called Lucy! 38 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:46,000 - Are they? - Yes! 39 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:49,200 {\an5}Now listen. Don't tell your mother - cos she's a bleeding stress ball tonight - 40 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:50,880 - but this soup is... - Are they here? 41 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,840 - Are they here?! - Shit. 42 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,120 (JACKIE GIGGLES EXCITEDLY) 43 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:58,280 - Where's the lovely Lucys? - It's OK, Mum, calm down. 44 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,000 - Oh, don't say you've been dumped. - Huh? 45 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:02,320 I knew it - I knew they'd dump you! 46 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:03,760 Er, we haven't been dumped, thank you! 47 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:05,680 - Well, where are they, then? - They're in the car, but first... 48 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,040 The car?! What are they doing in the car?! 49 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,920 And what happened to my candles, and where are my flowers? 50 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,120 We said no candles and no flowers, remember? 51 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:14,840 Just let the girls in, will you? 52 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,400 And we definitely said no suit for Dad. 53 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:18,600 What? He looks nice. 54 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,600 He looks like an undertaker. 55 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:23,000 - Anus. - Charming. We said casual. 56 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:25,160 I am casual - it's my casual suit. 57 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:27,360 - It's your funeral suit. - Yes, for casual funerals. 58 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,640 Martin, just lose the bloody suit. 59 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,240 - God! - (HORN TOOTS) 60 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:32,040 Is that them? 61 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:33,400 - Shit. OK - last-minute rules. 62 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,600 - Rules? - No embarrassing baby stories. 63 00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:38,040 - Adam doing toilet on the stairs. - Jonny biting Grandma's bosoms. 64 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:39,480 No kissing us on the head. 65 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,840 And absolutely no crying or getting emotional. 66 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:43,280 So I should just be a machine, then, should I? 67 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,160 Yes. A silent machine. 68 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:46,640 - Come on. - And Dad! 69 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,240 - What? - No talking about the economy, 70 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,560 or Britain's bloody waterways. 71 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,200 Which are criminally underused. 72 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,520 Exactly. No physics, dustbins... 73 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:56,960 ADAM: ...or how you once saw a man kill a duck with a hammer. 74 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:58,440 Turkey with a brick. 75 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:01,640 - Maybe Dad should put his suit on again. - Oh, pissing hell! 76 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,040 Make your bloody mind up. 77 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:04,120 Right! 78 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:08,440 Oh, my Bobbles - both with girlfriends!! 79 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:09,800 - (KISSES) - Mum... 80 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,400 - (KISSES) - Mum! 81 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:15,600 Briefing over? 82 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:22,960 Really, they are such gorgeous flowers. Thank you, Lucy, 83 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,120 and thank you...Lucy! 84 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,440 Pleasure. 85 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:28,920 But my Lucy's flowers are slightly nicer than Adam's Lucy's flowers, 86 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,160 - aren't they, Mum? - Jonny! 87 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:31,200 Pissface. 88 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,280 Don't be silly, Jonathan - they are both gorgeous. 89 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:34,680 And so are the flowers! 90 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:36,320 - I like your mum already! - Me too! 91 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:38,800 Come through. 92 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,400 Good evening, everyone. 93 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:42,640 Ahh - the family undertaker. 94 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:43,720 A pleasure to meet you both. 95 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:44,960 - Hi. - Hello. 96 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,080 Martin, you're not the Prime Minister. 97 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:49,520 - What? M Goodman. - ALL: "M"? 98 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:51,480 Yes, M, you berks, for Martin. 99 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:53,360 (LAUGHS) As opposed to? 100 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,960 Martin with an F - "Fartin"! 101 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,280 (CHORTLES) 102 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,200 He's just turned seven. 103 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,640 Come through. I love these flowers! 104 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,400 Lads - soup. 105 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:04,720 - What? - Huh? 106 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:06,320 - You all right? - Hmm? 107 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,400 Do sit anywhere, sweeties. 108 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,400 - Thanks. - Ooh, I'm loving the big photos! 109 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,480 - Oh, yeah. - Really? The boys hate them. 110 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:14,840 We do. 111 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,200 JACKIE: Silly. 112 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,480 Ooh! 113 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,400 Er...you can sit on Adam, if you like. 114 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:24,520 - Martin! - Um, I'm OK, thanks. 115 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,520 - He's a strong lad. - Dad! 116 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:28,680 Sorry - I didn't mean you were a big lass. 117 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:29,920 Um, that's good to know. 118 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,440 Martin! 119 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:32,760 Yes, do keep talking. 120 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,760 Ooh - the champagne. Go on. 121 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,840 Jackie has made chicken soup tonight. 122 00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:39,920 Er, yes. Thank you. 123 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:41,880 And your waiter for this evening is... 124 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:44,200 - (THEY LAUGH) - But if you don't want any, 125 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,000 that's not a problem at all. 126 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:47,800 That's not a weird thing to say. 127 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:48,760 Are you feeling all right? 128 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,120 - Hmm? - Well, I love chicken soup. 129 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,160 Oh, man, just give it to me in a bucket! 130 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:54,320 A bucket! 131 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:57,080 - Actually, make that two buckets! - And two straws! 132 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,840 Two straws! Oh, aren't they funny?! 133 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,040 BOYS: Yes, Mum. 134 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:05,880 Er, but if you do change your minds, other items are provided. 135 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:08,320 That's not a much weirder thing to say. 136 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,400 Just get the champagne, 137 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:10,680 - will you, weirdo? - Oh, yeah. 138 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:14,360 Cos I was meant to get the champagne when I was out buying the potatoes. 139 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:15,520 Yes, that's right. 140 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:18,040 You forgot the champagne, didn't you? 141 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:19,480 I remembered the potatoes. 142 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,480 Oh, Martin! 143 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:22,640 Seriously? 144 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:26,480 One second. Just talk to the girls, will you? 145 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:28,560 What? (SEXY VOICE) Of course I'll talk to the girls. 146 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:29,920 Rowrr! 147 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,160 Please don't talk to the girls. 148 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:34,720 Right, lads - come on. 149 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:35,800 - Sorry? - What? 150 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,760 - I need a word. - Well, go on, then. 151 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,600 Well, not in here, you pillocks. Not in front of the... 152 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,400 ...females. 153 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:42,480 BOTH LUCYS: "Females"? 154 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:43,880 Oh, my God. 155 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,040 In my, you know...office. 156 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,200 - Urgh. - Office means toilet. 157 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,160 Seriously, just get it over with. 158 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,280 - Get what over with? - "Females", obviously. 159 00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:57,560 No, it's not females. Now, listen. 160 00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,640 If it's about wearing a sheath again, 161 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,520 - well, I'm sorry, but... - There's glass in the soup. 162 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:02,360 - What? - There's what?! 163 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,840 Shh! I don't want your bloody mother to know! 164 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:08,120 There's some glass in the soup, all right? 165 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,480 - All right?! - Glass in the soup?! 166 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:10,680 What are you talking about? 167 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:12,240 - Well, you know what glass is? - BOTH: Yes. 168 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:13,760 - And you know what soup is? - (GROANS) 169 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,120 Well, one of them is in the other. 170 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:16,520 - How? Why?! - (SIGHS) 171 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,440 Your mum asked me to stir the soup. 172 00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:21,000 {\an5}Her first error. And then I accidentally smashed the bulb 173 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:22,960 in the extractor fan thing above the pot and it sort of... 174 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,880 Exploded right into the soup? Oh, you're such a bloody idiot! 175 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:26,600 - Shut up! - Ow! 176 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:29,360 OK, so there's glass in the soup, and you want us not to tell Mum, 177 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,720 {\an5}despite the fact that if she drinks any, she's going straight to hospital? 178 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,760 Yeah - should I call the ambulance now, or...? 179 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:36,400 She's not going to hospital, stupid babies! 180 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:39,240 Just don't say a bloody word, or she'll chop my sodding hands off. 181 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:41,600 {\an5}- But Dad... - And you better not tell your birds. 182 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:43,600 - We're definitely telling our birds. - What?! 183 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:44,360 Why? 184 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,640 Why?! So they don't end up in intensive care! 185 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:48,200 Yeah. Next to Mum. 186 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,760 Nothing's going to happen - I sieved most of the stuff. 187 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:51,920 Most of it. 188 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,480 Yeah! And I picked out the main shards. 189 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,880 Oh, good, so the main shards of glass are gone. 190 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:57,640 What about the less main shards of glass? 191 00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,840 Yeah, the ones that only pierce the less main organs when swallowed, 192 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:01,240 you know - like the oesophagus, 193 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:02,760 - or the spleen. - (THWACK) 194 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:04,600 - Dad! - (KNOCKING) 195 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,320 JACKIE: What are you doing in there? 196 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:09,960 Hello, my sweet. 197 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,520 - What are you all doing? It's rude. - Er... 198 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:15,480 ...just having a, you know, man-to-man chat. 199 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,080 Oh, I see. 200 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:18,520 Won't be long, love. 201 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,680 They're lovely girls! 202 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,240 And yet, only five minutes later, 203 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,360 she was tearing at her throat in agony. 204 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,840 Berk. So don't say a bloody word, OK? 205 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:31,240 It had to be tonight, didn't it? 206 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:34,760 Oh, stop fussing - a bit of glass never did anyone any harm. 207 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:35,640 - Huh? - What? 208 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,760 {\an5}Just drink from the side of the bowl, don't touch anything on the bottom. 209 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,960 We have to eat glass. 210 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,080 (WHINES) 211 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:52,480 There we are. Some chickieboo soup for you. 212 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:56,040 - And a nice big bucket for you! - Ha! 213 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:57,240 Thanks. 214 00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:00,800 Well, tuck in, everyone! Oh... 215 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:02,560 Silly me - I forgot my own spoon. 216 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,760 Or maybe I'll get myself a straw, eh, girls? 217 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:07,360 - (NERVOUS LAUGHTER) - I'm sorry, 218 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:09,040 but glass? You've got to tell your mum. 219 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:11,120 - Luce. - Obviously you have to tell her. 220 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:13,160 (SIGHS) I know - but it doesn't really work like that 221 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,360 in this house, does it, Jonny? 222 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,200 No, it doesn't. Does it, Dad? 223 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:17,360 Mmm? 224 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:18,440 And you're going to drink that, are you? 225 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,080 What do you think I'm going to do with it? Funnel it up my bum? 226 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:24,560 Look, just drink from the side of the bowl, and you should be fine. 227 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,000 So we're just going to sit here 228 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:28,440 and watch your mum choke to death, are we? 229 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:30,400 It is sort of the easiest option. 230 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:32,840 Sorry, everyone. 231 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,400 How's the soup? 232 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,600 - Lovely. - It's really nice. 233 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:37,840 Aww, thanks. 234 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:40,080 So... 235 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:45,800 Er...the school I work in has just had a swimming pool put in. 236 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:47,920 Oh! Um, has it? 237 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,360 Yeah. Ha! 238 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,720 Erm, but, erm... 239 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:55,680 I wish our office had a swimming pool! 240 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:59,680 Oh, do you? And is it a nice big office, then? 241 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:03,800 {\an5}Um, well, it's just two of us, really, but still, a pool would be nice. 242 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,160 Oh, God, yeah, 243 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,640 - a pool! - (DOORBELL) 244 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,200 I'll get it. 245 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:11,200 And please - someone eat something! 246 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,880 (LAUGHS) 247 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,120 Oh, my God - "a new swimming pool"? 248 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:19,400 And you're having more?! 249 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:20,520 Glass-Eater of the Year. 250 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,680 Shut your gobs! 251 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,680 Right, well, if you don't say anything, we bloody will. 252 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,520 Yeah! God - all right! 253 00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,200 Gitfaces. 254 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:29,760 Erm, I'm really sorry, everyone, but... 255 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:30,960 Hello, all! 256 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,520 - Oh, no... - Hello, Jim. 257 00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:35,680 Er, this is Jim. Our neighbour. 258 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,520 - Friend. - Neighbour. 259 00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:38,920 Neighbour and friend. 260 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,600 - (MILSON WHINES) - Er...? 261 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:45,120 Boys, your mother told me you'd both brought girls round 262 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:48,320 - for dinner. - Er, yes. 263 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,720 And are those the girls? 264 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,640 - I think so. - Yes, Jim, those are the girls. 265 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,080 Hello, girls. 266 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,720 - BOTH: Hi. - I'm Lucy. 267 00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:58,680 I'm... I'm also Lucy. 268 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,320 So you're...one person... 269 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,080 ...in two bodies? 270 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:05,800 - What?! - Er, well, goodnight, Jim. 271 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:07,040 Oh, yes. 272 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:10,200 Oh, just to let you know, 273 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,280 Milson's been sick. 274 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,760 Right, well, thanks for letting us know. 275 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,280 All over your drive. 276 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:17,200 Wonderful. 277 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:20,720 - Here, Jackie. - Mmm. 278 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,280 A nice big bag of dog sick. 279 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,120 Maybe just put that in your bin when you get home? 280 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,360 Yes, of course, Jackie. In my bin. 281 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:28,600 Bye, all! 282 00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:32,680 Yes, goodbye... 283 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,240 ...the Lucy. 284 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:40,000 - Erm, he seemed nice. - He's not. 285 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,160 So, you are gonna tell her, aren't you? 286 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:43,720 Oh, shut your face! 287 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,640 Oh, I do apologise. 288 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,920 Maybe we can all get back to our meal, then, eh? 289 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:52,360 Argh! 290 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,440 Are you all right, Martin? 291 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:58,240 Oh, I suddenly feel all...dizzy. 292 00:10:58,280 --> 00:10:59,320 JACKIE: Martin? 293 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,080 Er, what are you doing?! 294 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,840 So terribly dizzy. 295 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:04,840 Er... 296 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,240 Oh, my God. Why did you do that? 297 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,600 - Huh? - You just poured all my soup away! 298 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,840 Did I? I don't remember. 299 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,480 OK, just give me your soup, will you, and stop mucking about. 300 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,360 - (MARTIN GROANS) - Martin! 301 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,120 I am sorry, girls. 302 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,000 Ha! That's OK... 303 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,240 Well, come on, then. 304 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,200 Ohh, dizzy again. 305 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:26,200 Oh, my God. 306 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,400 - Arghhh! - (JACKIE SQUEALS) 307 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:29,520 - God! - Dad! 308 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:30,240 Jesus! 309 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,720 - Martin! - Burning! Burning! 310 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,240 (SQUEALS) 311 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,680 That's better. 312 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,520 What the hell is wrong with you? 313 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:50,040 What? I told you, I just suddenly felt all... 314 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,240 OK. Are you trying to show off? Is that it? 315 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,200 Are you trying to impress the girls? The young girls? 316 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:57,240 - Impress the young girls?! - Cos I've got news for you, 317 00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:01,120 Martin Goodman - they're your sons' girlfriends! 318 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:04,480 Jackie, you make it sound as if I'm having intercourse with them! 319 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:05,800 Er... 320 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,360 - Sorry. - Oh, hi. Thanks. 321 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,040 Just put them over there. 322 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:18,120 - (GASPS) The girls left everything. - Well... 323 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,720 ...maybe they're just not that mad on chicken soup. 324 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:23,400 Martin, they said they wanted to drink it out of a bloody bucket! 325 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:26,520 Oh, God! They hate my food. 326 00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:27,920 Course they don't hate your food. 327 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,040 - They do! I've ruined everything. - Jackie... 328 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:31,920 They're gonna dump them, Martin, I know it. 329 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,520 - They're going to dump the boys! - Er... 330 00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:34,920 Oh! 331 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,120 - Er... - Probably best 332 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:37,760 if we stop coming in and out of the kitchen. 333 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,760 Just wait in the bleeding dining room, will you?! 334 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,800 How kind. 335 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,400 Come on, Jackie. In a couple of minutes, we'll all be tucking in 336 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,800 - to your delicious roast chicken. - Which they'll hate. 337 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,680 They won't hate your chicken! 338 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,960 Oh, come here. 339 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:56,680 I know it sounds silly, Martin, but it's a big night for me. 340 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:57,880 I know, love, I know. 341 00:12:57,920 --> 00:12:59,640 A very big night. 342 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,280 Oh, Martin. 343 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:02,480 (KNOCKING) 344 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,680 - Eh? - Who the hell's that? 345 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,600 Sick again, Jackie! 346 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,120 Here we are. 347 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:17,480 Ah, yes, the chicken - 348 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:18,720 which is without glass? 349 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,560 - (THWACK) - Ow! 350 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:21,880 Right. 351 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:23,360 Chickieboo for you. 352 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,560 Thanks, Mum. 353 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:25,840 And chickieboo for you. 354 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:27,320 Chickieboo! 355 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:28,360 Chickiebooboo! 356 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,320 (ALL LAUGH) 357 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:34,160 Girls, Jackie's made a fabulous roast chicken tonight, 358 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:37,240 and we both hope that you enjoy the taste. 359 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:38,760 - Er... thanks. - Thanks. 360 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,200 Please put your crack pipe away. 361 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,360 - Er, Jonny and I are going away tomorrow. - Are you? 362 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:48,880 Yeah, Lucy's taking me to Brighton for the weekend. Isn't that cool? 363 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,840 Aww, isn't that nice of her? 364 00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:52,320 And so modern! 365 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:53,960 Well, it is the 19th century! 366 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,520 Are you going to take Adam away for the weekend? 367 00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:58,920 Dad! 368 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,640 A dirty weekend?! 369 00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,840 (CHORTLES) 370 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:04,400 God! (SIGHS) 371 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:05,440 Ignore him, love. 372 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:06,680 (TUTS) 373 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,480 - Er...nice chicken? - God, it's good. 374 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,680 - Oh, it's so nice. - See, Jackie? 375 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,680 The girls don't hate your food. 376 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:21,760 So, what are you two up to this weekend, then? 377 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,960 Um, well, we thought we might just kinda do a lazy 378 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:26,200 pub lunch thing, you know? 379 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,480 Ooh, I love a pub lunch! 380 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:31,400 I'm sure it won't be as nice as this, though, Jackie. 381 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,000 - (JONNY MOUTHS) - JACKIE: Thank you, sweetie! 382 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,760 (MOUTHS) 383 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:40,800 Everything all right? 384 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:42,200 Mmm? 385 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:43,560 What are you looking at in there? 386 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,440 Girls, I think he's found those nails I added earlier! 387 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:49,440 (JACKIE LAUGHS) 388 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,160 What? 389 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:53,480 What?! 390 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,040 (SIGHS) 391 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:58,520 - There's glass in the chicken! - The food's got glass in it. 392 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,280 - Huh? - You bloody sods! 393 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:01,520 - Dad! - Dad! 394 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:02,560 Martin, oh, my God! 395 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:03,680 - (THWACK) - Ow! 396 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:04,920 There's glass in the food? 397 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,320 - Um... - Er... 398 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:07,360 Don't you dare! 399 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,040 Sorry, Dad. Dad got glass in the chicken. 400 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,000 - Glass in the chicken. - You shitheads! 401 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:12,920 - And also in... - And also in the soup. 402 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,280 You shitting shitheads! 403 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:16,280 So there was glass in the food, and you didn't tell me? 404 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:17,760 Well, they didn't tell you, did they? 405 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:18,960 - (OTHERS GASP) - Oh, my God! 406 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,280 That is so low! 407 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,080 I can't believe it! My entire dinner had bloody glass in it! 408 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,240 Not the bread. The bread didn't have glass in it. 409 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:26,480 - (THWACK) Ow! 410 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:29,760 Do you know how long I sweated over this bloody meal? 411 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:30,880 - Mum... - And do you know 412 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,320 how long I've waited for this night? 413 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,520 (SNIFFS) For my boys to bring home... 414 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,480 ...their lovely girls? 415 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:39,960 (SOBS) 416 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,200 Great. 417 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:45,920 Thanks a lot, arse-brains. 418 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:48,120 Jackie! 419 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:52,760 Jackie! 420 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,560 And that's our mum and dad. 421 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:01,520 - (SNIFFS) - Here we are. 422 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,040 One extra-large gin and tonic. 423 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,280 Aw, thank you, darlings. 424 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,040 - That's all right. - Seriously, 425 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,560 you can have it in a bucket if you like. 426 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:10,880 Sorry, again, love. 427 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,400 Did you say something, Martin? 428 00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:15,360 So...what are we going to have for dinner, then? 429 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,920 - I could make something. - Oh, sure. 430 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,800 Yeah, I think we've all swallowed enough glass tonight, thank you. 431 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:22,760 There's crumble. 432 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,080 We can't just eat crumble. 433 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,000 We can just eat crumble. Everyone loves crumble. 434 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,240 I could eat crumble out of a bloody... ...cement-mixer! 435 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,200 Make that two bloody cement-mixers! 436 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:31,560 With two bloody spades! 437 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,640 You're lovely girls. 438 00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:39,680 - Right, then, crumble for dinner! - Yay! 439 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:40,720 Crimble crumble! 440 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,160 Crimble crumble! Aww. 441 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:44,520 Come on, girls. 442 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,320 Lovely Lucys. 443 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,600 OK - is there any glass in the crumble? 444 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:50,880 Piss off! 445 00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:54,280 Da-da! 446 00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:57,120 - Crimble crumble! - Crimble crumble! 447 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:58,880 What fun, eh, girls? 448 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:00,400 Oh, yeah. 449 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:04,080 Actually, Martin, why don't you, you know, say a few words? 450 00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:05,280 A few words? 451 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:06,680 Go on, say something nice. 452 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,480 Um...OK, love. 453 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:11,280 And stand by. 454 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,520 (CLEARS HIS THROAT) 455 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:14,320 - Hear ye! Hear ye! - (GLASS SMASHES) 456 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:15,560 (ALL GASP) 457 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,360 - Oh, dear. - Dad! 458 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:18,760 - Oh, my God! - You idiot! 459 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:22,200 I can't believe it! You just got bloody glass in my crumble! 460 00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:23,800 Jackie, it was an accident. 461 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,280 You've got glass in everything tonight! Everything! 462 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:27,720 Calm down, Jackie. 463 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,120 Don't tell me to effing calm down! 464 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:31,640 Mum! Right, just get out, will you? 465 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,880 - What? Really? - You heard me! 466 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,600 You've ruined the whole bloody night! Just get... 467 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:37,760 I'm pregnant! 468 00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:42,800 I'm gonna have a baby. 469 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,800 Shi-i-i-it! 470 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:49,960 I'm sorry? 471 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,520 She's... We're... 472 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:53,960 Lucy's having a baby. 473 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:57,640 You mean... 474 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:00,120 ...I'm going to be a grandma? 475 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,960 Well, that's sort of how it works. 476 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,840 Oh, my God! 477 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,560 Oh, Bobble! 478 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,680 - And sweetie-pie! - Aw, thank you, Jackie! 479 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,680 Oh, that's wonderful! 480 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:18,080 Yeah, nice one, Pusface. 481 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:20,440 - Cheers. - Yeah, I hated having babies. 482 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:21,600 Er...? 483 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,000 You basically spend the whole time up to your neck in excrement. 484 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:25,840 - Thank you. - Um... 485 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:27,200 ..I'm also pregnant. 486 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:28,520 (NERVOUS LAUGH) 487 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:32,720 - What? - What?! 488 00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:35,040 I'm...pregnant as well. 489 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:36,800 - She's up the duff too? - Shh! 490 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:38,760 Shi-i-i-it. 491 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,280 You're pregnant? What do you mean you're pregnant? 492 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:42,800 Why didn't you tell me? 493 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,640 I was going to tell you when we were away, 494 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,080 and make it all special, 495 00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:48,840 but then this happened... 496 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,320 ..and... 497 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,400 Well, aren't you happy? 498 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,120 He certainly looks happy. 499 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:00,120 Babe! 500 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,200 Of course I'm happy! 501 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,240 It's incredible! Oh, my God! 502 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,320 I can't bloody believe it! 503 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:10,640 Aww! Lovely Lucy! 504 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,800 And lovely Jonnyboo! 505 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,400 Well done, bambinos! 506 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:22,520 Just to say, I am definitely going to faint at some point this evening! 507 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,520 Wow. 508 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,080 Wow. 509 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:36,560 We're going to be dads. 510 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:37,760 I know. 511 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,040 Terrible dads. 512 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:40,520 Obviously terrible dads. 513 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,040 I guess we'll have to... 514 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:45,320 What? 515 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,160 Grow up. 516 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:48,920 I know. 517 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,480 You'll still put salt in my water, though, right? 518 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:54,560 Oh, yeah - salt, washing-up liquid, acid. 519 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:55,880 Cool. 520 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,120 'Scuse me. 521 00:19:58,160 --> 00:19:59,440 What do you think, eh, Dad? 522 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,400 {\an5}Well, you won't be needing sheaths for the next couple of months, will you? 523 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,480 - (GROANS) - Thank you! 524 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:07,840 Grotty, isn't he? 525 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:10,000 Absolutely disgusting. 526 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,320 My boys! 527 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:12,840 - Please... - Oh, my Bobbles! 528 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,200 Mum! 529 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:18,160 Oh, I am so happy! I am so bloody happy! 530 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,200 Mum! 531 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,120 Go on, go and see your girls. 532 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:25,200 {\an5}Oh, and if you ever do have a wedding, don't let your dad do the catering! 533 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:26,680 (LAUGHS) 534 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,880 - You all right over there? - Yeah. 535 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,720 {\an5}- Got some rotting egg on my... - I really don't want to know right now. 536 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:35,400 Course. Sorry. 537 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:38,760 We're going to be grandparents, Martin. 538 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,400 I know. I can't believe it. 539 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,600 Do you remember when the boys were little? 540 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,400 What, little shitting machines? 541 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,560 You're really not spoiling the moment, Martin. 542 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:48,680 Sorry, love. 543 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:51,920 It's wonderful, really, isn't it? 544 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,520 Yeah. 545 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,440 It's just lovely. 546 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:05,520 Yes! 547 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:08,960 You've done it, Jackie! 548 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,440 Grandchildren! 549 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,000 You've done it! 550 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,280 - Hello, Jackie! - Oh, Jim! 551 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:16,400 Jim, we've just had 552 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:20,000 - the most amazing news! - So have I, Jackie. 553 00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,520 Milson's just had babies! 554 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:25,640 (PUPPIES SQUEAK) 555 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:32,280 I just had no idea that Milson was pregnant. 556 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:37,280 Maybe that's why she kept vomiting all over the place. 557 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,440 - All over our place. - And to think, 558 00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:44,720 I now have not just one dog, but a whole box full of dogs. 559 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,360 Come on...baby Milsons. 560 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:51,800 Aww. 561 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,960 Do you know what? I fancy a boogie. 562 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,120 Girls - a boogie? 563 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,480 - Oh, yeah! Always love a boogie! - I'll have a boogie! 564 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,320 I'm definitely not having a boogie. 565 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,720 - No way! - What's a boogie? 566 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:11,120 - (DANCE MUSIC) - Oh, that's a boogie. 567 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:15,520 Come on, Martin! 568 00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:26,160 - Oh! - Horrible, isn't it? 569 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,680 It's like the start of some terrifying sex party. 570 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:33,760 It's all good though, innit, Pusface? 571 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,560 Yeah, Pissface. 572 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:36,600 It's all good. 573 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:39,280 Come on. 574 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,120 (ALL CHEER) 575 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,360 Turn it up, Martin, turn it up! 576 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:49,920 (SONG CHANGES TO SHOW'S THEME MUSIC) 577 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:20,880 Oh, Martin! 578 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,760 Dad! 579 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:26,560 Shit on it. 40233

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