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1
00:00:35,063 --> 00:00:36,102
All right, Pissface?
2
00:00:36,142 --> 00:00:37,902
All right, Pusface.
What's going on?
3
00:00:39,861 --> 00:00:41,700
Um, hey, Dad.
4
00:00:41,740 --> 00:00:43,459
Yes.
5
00:00:44,459 --> 00:00:46,858
And, the reason you're
dressed as an astronaut?
6
00:00:46,898 --> 00:00:48,137
What? You mean this coat?
7
00:00:48,177 --> 00:00:50,456
Which you're wearing
on your next mission to Jupiter?
8
00:00:50,496 --> 00:00:51,695
Clever.
9
00:00:51,735 --> 00:00:53,735
Dad, why are you looking
at a tree?
10
00:00:53,775 --> 00:00:55,934
What?
Why are you looking at a tree?
11
00:00:55,974 --> 00:00:58,453
I'm not looking at a tree,
I'm looking at a bag.
12
00:00:58,493 --> 00:00:59,612
Huh?
13
00:00:59,652 --> 00:01:01,411
See that plastic bag up there?
14
00:01:01,451 --> 00:01:03,250
Dad wants to get it down.
15
00:01:03,290 --> 00:01:04,330
Really? Why?
16
00:01:04,370 --> 00:01:06,529
Cos it's an eyesore.
And cos he's an idiot.
17
00:01:06,569 --> 00:01:07,808
But it's not even our tree.
18
00:01:07,848 --> 00:01:09,408
It's not even outside our house.
19
00:01:09,448 --> 00:01:11,167
What I said.
That's not the point.
20
00:01:11,207 --> 00:01:12,526
It's in our sodding road...
21
00:01:12,566 --> 00:01:14,246
BOTH: And you can see it for miles.
22
00:01:14,286 --> 00:01:15,405
Miles?
23
00:01:15,445 --> 00:01:16,804
BOTH: Yes, miles!
24
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:18,124
Stupid runt.
25
00:01:18,164 --> 00:01:19,483
Hi, boys.
26
00:01:19,523 --> 00:01:20,523
Hi, Mum.
27
00:01:21,802 --> 00:01:24,961
Martin,
please leave the tree alone now.
28
00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:27,120
It's not the tree, Jackie,
it's the bag.
29
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,159
Yes, all right, the bag.
30
00:01:29,199 --> 00:01:31,398
Just come in, will you?
What are you wearing?
31
00:01:31,438 --> 00:01:33,277
Pillock's clothes.
Nice.
32
00:01:33,317 --> 00:01:34,637
Jonny's just joined NASA, so...
33
00:01:34,677 --> 00:01:35,716
Pusface.
34
00:01:35,756 --> 00:01:37,955
Well, are you coming or what?
35
00:01:37,995 --> 00:01:39,155
Stick.
36
00:01:39,195 --> 00:01:40,514
The stick, again?
37
00:01:40,554 --> 00:01:41,834
It doesn't even reach.
38
00:01:41,874 --> 00:01:43,273
Urgh!
39
00:01:44,352 --> 00:01:45,672
Ready for this?
40
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:53,309
Yes, well, when you've grown another
ten metres, Martin, do let us know.
41
00:01:53,348 --> 00:01:54,508
Come on, boys.
42
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:55,707
Bleeding thing.
43
00:01:57,347 --> 00:01:59,106
He's obsessed with that grotty bag.
44
00:01:59,146 --> 00:02:00,345
Is he really?
45
00:02:00,385 --> 00:02:02,984
Don't worry, Jonny will get it down.
Will I?
46
00:02:03,024 --> 00:02:05,223
Your coat doubles as a jetpack,
doesn't it?
47
00:02:05,263 --> 00:02:06,663
Ha funny ha.
48
00:02:06,703 --> 00:02:08,062
What is it even made of?
49
00:02:08,102 --> 00:02:09,222
Mum!
50
00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:13,100
It looks like the stuff
I wrap the chicken in
before I bung it in the oven. Mum!
51
00:02:13,140 --> 00:02:14,739
Martin?!
52
00:02:14,779 --> 00:02:15,939
Ah.
53
00:02:15,979 --> 00:02:18,857
Oh, maybe he can go
and live in that tree.
54
00:02:18,897 --> 00:02:20,257
Ooh, Mum.
55
00:02:20,297 --> 00:02:21,376
Hmmm?
56
00:02:21,416 --> 00:02:23,055
Guess what I've got.
57
00:02:23,095 --> 00:02:24,095
What is it?
58
00:02:24,135 --> 00:02:25,934
Oh, yeah, I saw it.
59
00:02:25,974 --> 00:02:27,174
You saw it?
60
00:02:27,214 --> 00:02:28,373
What is it?
61
00:02:28,413 --> 00:02:29,932
You never told me you saw it.
62
00:02:29,972 --> 00:02:31,332
What is it, you dick?
63
00:02:31,372 --> 00:02:33,611
It's an interview thing
I did for the local magazine.
64
00:02:33,651 --> 00:02:34,930
Interview thing?
65
00:02:34,970 --> 00:02:36,130
About his music.
66
00:02:36,170 --> 00:02:37,809
Did you like it?
67
00:02:37,849 --> 00:02:40,768
Why would anyone interview Pusface
about his awful, awful music?
68
00:02:40,808 --> 00:02:41,887
Thank you.
69
00:02:41,927 --> 00:02:44,086
Oh, my God, it's Pusface!
70
00:02:44,126 --> 00:02:45,206
Mum, look at Pusface!
71
00:02:45,246 --> 00:02:47,005
Yeah, I've seen Pusface, thank you.
72
00:02:47,045 --> 00:02:48,924
Um, what's wrong?
73
00:02:48,964 --> 00:02:50,324
Nothing's wrong.
74
00:02:50,364 --> 00:02:51,643
Something's wrong.
75
00:02:51,683 --> 00:02:53,682
Oh, this is gold!
76
00:02:53,722 --> 00:02:56,281
"Local lad and composer,
Adam Goodman..."
77
00:02:56,321 --> 00:02:58,320
Composer? You mean,
crap jingle writer.
78
00:02:58,360 --> 00:02:59,480
Thank you, again.
79
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,399
"..has been sprinkling
his musical magic..."
80
00:03:01,439 --> 00:03:02,438
What?
81
00:03:02,478 --> 00:03:05,837
"..on some of the country's
best-known radio commercials
for the past ten years."
82
00:03:05,877 --> 00:03:08,755
Ah, yes, like "Lax-a-Leave
for healthy bowels."
83
00:03:08,795 --> 00:03:09,795
Jonny.
84
00:03:09,835 --> 00:03:11,394
I thought you'd be excited.
85
00:03:11,434 --> 00:03:12,594
I am excited.
86
00:03:12,634 --> 00:03:14,513
You don't seem excited. Don't I?
87
00:03:14,553 --> 00:03:16,552
Pissing stick doesn't reach.
88
00:03:16,592 --> 00:03:18,591
Martin! You nearly gave me
a heart attack.
89
00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:20,031
Ooh, only nearly?
90
00:03:20,071 --> 00:03:21,270
Right.
91
00:03:21,310 --> 00:03:22,869
Oh, Jackie!
92
00:03:22,909 --> 00:03:24,748
Mum! Bye-bye, stick.
93
00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:27,027
Here's a good one -
"How do you relax?"
94
00:03:27,067 --> 00:03:28,467
Yes, OK.
95
00:03:28,507 --> 00:03:30,026
And Pusface says, "Headphones on,
96
00:03:30,066 --> 00:03:31,066
"chilled-out tracks,
97
00:03:31,106 --> 00:03:32,505
"and just vibe."
98
00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:33,745
Just give it!
99
00:03:33,785 --> 00:03:35,104
Dad, have you seen this?
100
00:03:35,144 --> 00:03:36,263
What? Oh, yeah.
101
00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:37,903
His mother's seen it too.
102
00:03:37,943 --> 00:03:39,302
Sorry?
103
00:03:39,342 --> 00:03:41,141
Oh, for Christ's sake.
104
00:03:41,181 --> 00:03:42,501
What the hell's wrong?!
105
00:03:46,779 --> 00:03:49,418
"What is your earliest
musical memory?"
106
00:03:50,737 --> 00:03:51,737
Um...
107
00:03:51,777 --> 00:03:53,016
Yes?
108
00:03:53,056 --> 00:03:55,175
"Going to see Oliver The Musical
109
00:03:55,215 --> 00:03:57,734
"with my Auntie Val when I was six."
110
00:03:58,974 --> 00:04:00,133
And?
111
00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:02,492
I took you to see Cats
112
00:04:02,532 --> 00:04:04,731
when you were five!
113
00:04:06,050 --> 00:04:08,369
Oh, my God!
114
00:04:09,409 --> 00:04:11,208
Please say you're not being serious.
115
00:04:11,248 --> 00:04:13,047
No mention of your mother anywhere.
116
00:04:13,087 --> 00:04:15,006
You are being serious.
I can't believe it.
117
00:04:15,046 --> 00:04:17,365
You mention your father. Oh, yes.
"My dad's so funny."
118
00:04:17,405 --> 00:04:19,125
Incredible.
You mention your brother.
119
00:04:19,165 --> 00:04:21,284
"My brother's hilarious."
He really is.
120
00:04:21,324 --> 00:04:22,683
You mention... Auntie Val?
121
00:04:22,723 --> 00:04:24,762
Oh, yes, you even mention
Auntie Val,
122
00:04:24,802 --> 00:04:27,201
but you can't mention
your own mother.
123
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:30,560
And this is happening in real life,
is it?
124
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,319
How could you not mention
your own mother
125
00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:34,038
in a professional magazine
interview?
126
00:04:34,078 --> 00:04:36,077
Uh! Dad, can you believe this?!
127
00:04:36,117 --> 00:04:38,836
Well, maybe you could have said
something nice about your mum,
128
00:04:38,876 --> 00:04:40,315
even if it was a lie.
129
00:04:40,355 --> 00:04:42,195
Er, I heard that, thank you.
130
00:04:42,235 --> 00:04:43,554
Right!
131
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:48,272
I'm so sorry I didn't talk
all about you in my interview,
132
00:04:48,312 --> 00:04:51,031
but strangely enough it wasn't
about "Adam Goodman's mother".
133
00:04:51,071 --> 00:04:53,070
Well, you could have said something,
anything.
134
00:04:53,110 --> 00:04:54,389
Oh, yeah? Like what?
135
00:04:54,429 --> 00:04:56,109
Like, OK...
136
00:04:56,148 --> 00:04:57,748
"I love my mother."
137
00:04:57,788 --> 00:04:59,187
I love my mother?
138
00:04:59,227 --> 00:05:01,866
Yes, "I love my mother."
What's so funny about that?
139
00:05:01,906 --> 00:05:03,785
Don't you love your mother?
Oh, just shut up!
140
00:05:03,825 --> 00:05:05,225
Well, say it then.
141
00:05:05,264 --> 00:05:09,063
What? Now? Well, if you're not going
to say it in your interview,
why can't you say it now?
142
00:05:09,103 --> 00:05:10,342
Er, because this is insanity.
143
00:05:10,382 --> 00:05:11,542
Insanity?
144
00:05:11,582 --> 00:05:12,941
Er, Mum? What, Jonny?
145
00:05:12,981 --> 00:05:14,061
I love you.
146
00:05:14,101 --> 00:05:16,580
See, your brother can say
"I love you."
147
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,739
Your father can say, "I love you."
148
00:05:18,779 --> 00:05:21,417
Hmmm? Martin, can you say
"I love you" please? Oh, I love you.
149
00:05:21,457 --> 00:05:22,697
See?
150
00:05:22,737 --> 00:05:25,256
But not as much as I love
this yucky stuff.
151
00:05:25,296 --> 00:05:28,574
Right, clearly
I mean that much to you.
152
00:05:28,614 --> 00:05:30,334
Yes, clearly.
153
00:05:30,374 --> 00:05:32,892
Can you believe him, Mum?
Shut up!
154
00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:34,892
Well, if that's how you feel,
I don't know why
155
00:05:34,932 --> 00:05:38,890
you bothered to come here tonight.
You know what? Neither do I!
156
00:05:38,930 --> 00:05:40,249
Unbelievable!
157
00:05:41,848 --> 00:05:43,288
Good!
158
00:05:43,328 --> 00:05:45,367
Uh... Mmm!
159
00:05:45,407 --> 00:05:47,206
I didn't know Adam liked prawns.
160
00:05:50,485 --> 00:05:52,164
Unbelievable...
161
00:05:52,204 --> 00:05:53,403
Unbelievable!
162
00:05:54,643 --> 00:05:56,482
Ugh!
163
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:59,241
Just vibing, are you? Ha, funny, ha.
164
00:05:59,281 --> 00:06:00,360
JONNY LAUGHS
165
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:03,759
What do you want? Nothing.
166
00:06:03,799 --> 00:06:05,758
Just came to say I love you.
Very good.
167
00:06:06,918 --> 00:06:09,316
Getting ready for lift-off?
Also very good.
168
00:06:09,356 --> 00:06:11,675
I mean, I literally have no memory
of Cats.
169
00:06:11,715 --> 00:06:14,554
Look, why don't you just go back in,
tell Mum you love her
170
00:06:14,594 --> 00:06:17,753
and be done with it? No way!
Why can't she just be happy for me?
171
00:06:17,793 --> 00:06:19,832
When's she ever been
in a bloody magazine?
172
00:06:19,872 --> 00:06:21,751
Ah, yes, the bloody magazine.
173
00:06:22,990 --> 00:06:24,670
"From where do you
get your inspiration?"
174
00:06:24,710 --> 00:06:25,749
Fantastic, it's online.
175
00:06:25,789 --> 00:06:28,908
"Anything can inspire me,
from the smell of rain on tarmac..."
176
00:06:28,948 --> 00:06:31,027
What? So, you sniff puddles?
Jonny...
177
00:06:31,067 --> 00:06:33,906
"..to watching the children
playing outside my bedroom window."
178
00:06:33,946 --> 00:06:36,185
That does not sound great.
Pissface!
179
00:06:37,784 --> 00:06:40,303
Hello, boys.
Ugh, what does he want?
180
00:06:41,382 --> 00:06:44,421
You all right, Jim? Yes, fine, fine.
181
00:06:44,461 --> 00:06:46,380
DOG WHINES
182
00:06:46,420 --> 00:06:48,339
Um... Can we help you?
183
00:06:48,379 --> 00:06:49,939
What? Oh, yes.
184
00:06:49,979 --> 00:06:51,378
Come on, Milson.
185
00:06:52,458 --> 00:06:53,737
Hmmm!
186
00:06:56,936 --> 00:06:57,975
Good girl, Milson.
187
00:06:59,175 --> 00:07:01,334
Great. Car ruined.
188
00:07:01,374 --> 00:07:03,493
Is-Is your mother in?
189
00:07:03,533 --> 00:07:05,452
What? In the car? Yes.
190
00:07:05,492 --> 00:07:09,370
Um, she's not in the car
at the moment, Jim.
191
00:07:09,410 --> 00:07:11,209
She's actually in the house.
192
00:07:11,249 --> 00:07:14,048
Oh, of course, yes, in the house.
193
00:07:14,088 --> 00:07:16,407
Well, don't worry,
I can ask her later.
194
00:07:16,447 --> 00:07:17,487
You do that.
195
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:22,005
So...?
196
00:07:22,045 --> 00:07:24,444
Where are we going again?
197
00:07:24,484 --> 00:07:26,043
I'm sorry?
198
00:07:26,083 --> 00:07:28,602
I've forgotten where we're
supposed to be going.
199
00:07:28,642 --> 00:07:30,481
We're not going anywhere, Jim.
Aren't we?
200
00:07:30,521 --> 00:07:32,840
Then why are we in the car?
201
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:34,279
Get out immediately? Yep.
202
00:07:39,157 --> 00:07:41,636
Um, are you getting out, Jim, or...?
203
00:07:41,676 --> 00:07:43,315
Yes, soon.
204
00:07:43,355 --> 00:07:45,155
Soon? Soon.
205
00:07:46,194 --> 00:07:47,194
Fabulous.
206
00:07:48,753 --> 00:07:49,792
Come on, then.
207
00:07:49,832 --> 00:07:52,951
Good boy, just say "I love you"
and... I'm not saying that!
208
00:07:52,991 --> 00:07:54,390
JONNY CHUCKLES
209
00:07:55,670 --> 00:07:57,109
Hi, Bobble.
210
00:07:58,269 --> 00:07:59,348
Hi.
211
00:07:59,388 --> 00:08:00,828
Um, I just want to say...
212
00:08:00,868 --> 00:08:02,947
Oh, Jonny, please take that
bloody space-suit off.
213
00:08:02,987 --> 00:08:04,066
Ugh!
214
00:08:05,106 --> 00:08:07,625
I'm sorry about before, Adam.
I went a bit mad.
215
00:08:07,665 --> 00:08:08,664
A bit mad?
216
00:08:09,904 --> 00:08:12,103
It's a lovely interview, really.
217
00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:13,502
Can we be friends?
218
00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:17,021
And you're not going to
make me say... Of course not.
219
00:08:17,061 --> 00:08:19,739
And anyway, I don't need you to say
"I love you"
220
00:08:19,779 --> 00:08:21,419
because I know you love me.
221
00:08:23,178 --> 00:08:25,377
I know you love your mother.
222
00:08:27,056 --> 00:08:28,056
Your mum.
223
00:08:30,255 --> 00:08:31,494
Your mummy.
224
00:08:31,534 --> 00:08:33,773
I'm not saying it! Bloody hell.
225
00:08:33,813 --> 00:08:35,772
Right...
226
00:08:35,812 --> 00:08:37,452
Martin, it's dinner now.
227
00:08:37,492 --> 00:08:39,251
Just leave the sodding bag!
228
00:08:39,291 --> 00:08:42,649
Jackie, that sodding bag is about
to become sodding history
229
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:45,168
thanks to this beauty. What,
the ladder that falls apart
230
00:08:45,208 --> 00:08:46,248
the second you open it?
231
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:50,246
Shit. Half a second, actually.
232
00:08:50,286 --> 00:08:51,885
Inside.
233
00:08:51,925 --> 00:08:53,605
Hello, Jackie.
234
00:08:53,645 --> 00:08:54,724
Hi, Jim.
235
00:08:54,764 --> 00:08:56,203
Everything OK?
236
00:08:56,243 --> 00:08:59,882
Yes, Jackie. Um, I just wanted to
ask you a question.
237
00:08:59,922 --> 00:09:02,880
Yes? Did you know that there's...
238
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,519
..there's a bag in that tree?
239
00:09:09,078 --> 00:09:11,597
There's got to be some way
of getting that bugger down.
240
00:09:11,637 --> 00:09:13,596
Martin, please come away
from that window
241
00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:15,435
or do you want me to put
your face through it?
242
00:09:15,475 --> 00:09:17,194
God knows how it ended up there.
243
00:09:17,234 --> 00:09:19,793
Right, I'm going to
cut my head off in the kitchen.
244
00:09:19,833 --> 00:09:22,272
Yeah, it's a real mystery.
245
00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:25,471
Yes, how did a plastic bag
end up in a tree? Ooh.
246
00:09:25,511 --> 00:09:27,390
I don't know. Maybe the wind?
247
00:09:27,430 --> 00:09:29,429
Perhaps a bird took it up there.
248
00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:32,548
Or the wind? Like a gull or
something. Or just the wind?
249
00:09:32,587 --> 00:09:35,466
Could have been children, you know,
mucking about. Kids.
250
00:09:35,506 --> 00:09:37,265
Mum, Dad doesn't know what wind is.
251
00:09:37,305 --> 00:09:39,424
Really? He should do,
he lets off enough of the stuff.
252
00:09:39,464 --> 00:09:40,464
SHE CACKLES
253
00:09:40,504 --> 00:09:41,504
Ugh, Mum!
254
00:09:41,544 --> 00:09:44,902
If I could just get up there
somehow. Table, please.
255
00:09:46,262 --> 00:09:47,581
Ooh, that's an idea.
256
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:48,940
Table!
257
00:09:48,980 --> 00:09:52,379
Jackie, I suddenly need to go to
the...toilet.
258
00:09:52,419 --> 00:09:55,058
Well, that's not suspicious. You
suddenly need to go to the toilet
259
00:09:55,098 --> 00:09:57,617
or you suddenly need to go outside
to play with your stupid bag?
260
00:09:57,657 --> 00:09:59,936
Um, toilet. For my...wees.
261
00:09:59,976 --> 00:10:01,375
Bag! Absolutely bag.
262
00:10:01,415 --> 00:10:02,574
Just sit.
263
00:10:02,614 --> 00:10:03,814
MARTIN SIGHS
264
00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:05,773
Ooh, I nearly forgot -
265
00:10:05,813 --> 00:10:08,612
to Adam, for his amazing interview.
266
00:10:08,652 --> 00:10:10,291
Aww, thanks, Mum. Yes.
267
00:10:10,331 --> 00:10:13,689
It was amazing, wasn't it?
"What's your favourite smell?"
268
00:10:13,729 --> 00:10:14,969
Yes, OK.
269
00:10:15,009 --> 00:10:17,008
Answer - "My girlfriend's hair."
270
00:10:17,048 --> 00:10:19,167
And does your girlfriend KNOW
you're a murderer?
271
00:10:19,207 --> 00:10:21,726
And does your girlfriend KNOW
you're a dickhead? Boys.
272
00:10:21,766 --> 00:10:23,885
Oh, don't know, let's find out.
273
00:10:23,925 --> 00:10:26,084
Jackie, my wees! Martin, shut up.
274
00:10:27,244 --> 00:10:30,282
Jonny, put your phone away will you,
please?
275
00:10:30,322 --> 00:10:31,922
Hey, Luce. Jonny!
276
00:10:31,962 --> 00:10:35,760
Yeah, all good, yeah. Just phoned to
say I love you, that's all.
277
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,639
See ya, babe. You shit.
JONNY CACKLES
278
00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:42,037
So, do you remember
when I took you to see Cats then?
279
00:10:42,077 --> 00:10:44,716
What? Oh, um, not really.
280
00:10:44,756 --> 00:10:47,195
What do you mean, "Not really"?
It was Cats!
281
00:10:47,235 --> 00:10:49,194
Yeah, Adam, it was Cats. Please.
282
00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:51,913
What was Cats about again? Horses.
283
00:10:51,953 --> 00:10:53,712
How can you not remember?
284
00:10:53,752 --> 00:10:55,231
Uh, cos I was six.
285
00:10:55,271 --> 00:10:57,031
Uh, no, Adam, you were five.
286
00:10:57,071 --> 00:10:59,909
All right, five! Yeah, cos you were
six when you saw Oliver
287
00:10:59,949 --> 00:11:02,228
with Auntie Val, which you do
remember... Pissface.
288
00:11:02,268 --> 00:11:05,067
..but five when you saw Cats
with Mum, which you don't remember.
289
00:11:05,107 --> 00:11:06,266
Exactly.
290
00:11:06,306 --> 00:11:07,546
Urgh!
291
00:11:07,586 --> 00:11:09,065
You shit. I thank you.
292
00:11:09,105 --> 00:11:11,224
I need wees. I'm doing wees.
293
00:11:12,624 --> 00:11:15,063
I can't believe you remember seeing
a show with Auntie Val,
294
00:11:15,103 --> 00:11:16,582
but not one with your own mother.
295
00:11:16,622 --> 00:11:19,061
Well, that was because I love
Auntie Val and I don't love you.
296
00:11:19,101 --> 00:11:20,980
Happy now? Horrible.
297
00:11:21,020 --> 00:11:22,339
So horrible!
298
00:11:22,379 --> 00:11:24,499
You're not jealous of Auntie Val,
are you? What?
299
00:11:24,538 --> 00:11:26,897
Course I'm not jealous of
Auntie Val.
300
00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:28,817
Yes, you are. Rubbish!
301
00:11:28,857 --> 00:11:30,976
Why would I be jealous of
Auntie Val?
302
00:11:35,014 --> 00:11:36,973
You know, it's just three words.
303
00:11:37,013 --> 00:11:38,972
Three little words.
304
00:11:39,012 --> 00:11:41,971
I told you, I'm not saying it.
Saying what? I love...
305
00:11:42,011 --> 00:11:43,490
HE GROANS
306
00:11:43,530 --> 00:11:44,890
Very clever.
307
00:11:44,930 --> 00:11:46,049
PHONE RINGS
308
00:11:46,089 --> 00:11:48,928
And yes, well done, that's Lucy now,
calling you back to say,
309
00:11:48,968 --> 00:11:52,006
"I love you." Very good. You win.
It's not Lucy, it's Dad.
310
00:11:52,046 --> 00:11:53,486
Dad? Dad?
311
00:11:54,525 --> 00:11:55,805
You what?
312
00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:56,844
What?
313
00:11:58,204 --> 00:11:59,883
He wasn't doing wees.
314
00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:04,161
MARTIN GROANS
315
00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:07,720
Well, well, congratulations, Martin.
316
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,439
Ow, my bleeding back!
317
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:13,317
Let me guess, you tried to make
a ladder by putting one dustbin
318
00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:16,636
on top of another dustbin,
then climbed up the dustbins
319
00:12:16,676 --> 00:12:18,515
and fell off the dustbins?
320
00:12:18,555 --> 00:12:20,034
Oh, shut up!
321
00:12:20,074 --> 00:12:21,514
And here's your dinner.
322
00:12:21,554 --> 00:12:22,953
J... Oh, Jackie!
323
00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:25,392
And just so you know, I do not want
another word out of you
324
00:12:25,432 --> 00:12:27,471
about that bloody bag,
do you hear me?
325
00:12:27,511 --> 00:12:29,830
Yeah, uh, I think so, but I think
there might be some...
326
00:12:29,870 --> 00:12:31,629
..pie in my ear?
327
00:12:31,669 --> 00:12:33,268
Ugh. Come on, boys.
328
00:12:33,308 --> 00:12:34,468
CAR HORN HONKS
329
00:12:35,747 --> 00:12:39,066
Oh, look, it's Auntie Val.
330
00:12:39,106 --> 00:12:41,705
Woohoo, fame at last!
331
00:12:41,745 --> 00:12:44,823
Auntie Val's a celebrity. Auntie!
332
00:12:44,863 --> 00:12:48,182
Aww, my little Adam! Aww.
333
00:12:49,541 --> 00:12:51,101
You remembered Oliver.
334
00:12:51,141 --> 00:12:54,699
Of course I remembered Oliver.
335
00:12:54,739 --> 00:12:57,058
Oh, God, what's happened to Martin?
336
00:12:57,098 --> 00:12:59,457
Pie is in my ear. Huh?
337
00:12:59,497 --> 00:13:00,976
Ignore him, Val.
338
00:13:01,016 --> 00:13:02,016
Come inside.
339
00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:06,374
Well, good work, Dad.
Yes, sheer perfection.
340
00:13:06,414 --> 00:13:07,853
Gits.
341
00:13:07,893 --> 00:13:09,652
THEY LAUGH
342
00:13:09,692 --> 00:13:11,332
Ooh, look. What?
343
00:13:11,372 --> 00:13:14,051
There's a plastic bag in that tree.
JACKIE SIGHS
344
00:13:18,908 --> 00:13:20,667
Ah, my bloody back.
345
00:13:20,707 --> 00:13:22,187
God, I wish I didn't have a body.
346
00:13:22,226 --> 00:13:23,786
Er, I'm sure it can be arranged.
347
00:13:23,826 --> 00:13:25,185
I can arrange it.
348
00:13:25,225 --> 00:13:26,625
Argh.
349
00:13:26,665 --> 00:13:28,224
So sorry.
350
00:13:28,264 --> 00:13:29,623
Yes, so sorry.
351
00:13:29,663 --> 00:13:31,303
Right! Wine.
352
00:13:31,343 --> 00:13:33,821
See you, then. Die well.
Wait, you prannies.
353
00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:37,020
Now, listen.
354
00:13:37,060 --> 00:13:39,459
In my shed is a rake.
355
00:13:39,499 --> 00:13:41,298
If you attached
the rake to the broom,
356
00:13:41,338 --> 00:13:43,097
then that should be
long enough to...
357
00:13:43,137 --> 00:13:45,416
Repeatedly whack
you in the face with it? Idiot.
358
00:13:45,456 --> 00:13:47,575
No, we can fashion a device,
get the bag down.
359
00:13:47,615 --> 00:13:49,375
"Fashion a device"?
360
00:13:49,415 --> 00:13:52,293
Dad, we don't care about
your stupid bag.
361
00:13:52,333 --> 00:13:53,453
Yeah! It's a BAG!
362
00:13:53,493 --> 00:13:54,812
I know it's a bag,
363
00:13:54,852 --> 00:13:56,771
but it's in a TREE!
364
00:13:56,811 --> 00:14:00,210
It's a bag in a tree.
365
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:01,929
Very heavy sedation?
366
00:14:01,969 --> 00:14:03,528
Boys, just leave him, will you?
367
00:14:03,568 --> 00:14:05,568
Goodbye... Forever!
368
00:14:05,608 --> 00:14:08,726
Oh. We mustn't forget to
turn off the lights. Jackie?
369
00:14:08,766 --> 00:14:10,046
Night, night, Martin.
370
00:14:10,086 --> 00:14:11,445
But, Jackie...
371
00:14:11,485 --> 00:14:12,524
JACKIE?
372
00:14:12,564 --> 00:14:14,484
Shame we can't turn off his oxygen.
373
00:14:14,524 --> 00:14:17,562
Boys, is your mum all right
tonight?
374
00:14:17,602 --> 00:14:19,282
Oh, she's fine, isn't she, Jonny?
375
00:14:19,322 --> 00:14:22,040
Oh, fine.
376
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:25,159
Sorry again, love,
for dropping round like this.
377
00:14:25,199 --> 00:14:27,798
It's just, it's not every day you
see your own name in print.
378
00:14:27,838 --> 00:14:29,757
Er, no, it's not.
379
00:14:29,797 --> 00:14:31,396
I got such a shock.
380
00:14:31,436 --> 00:14:34,155
But a nice shock.
Oh, I love him!
381
00:14:34,195 --> 00:14:35,594
I love him!
382
00:14:35,634 --> 00:14:39,393
And I love you too, Auntie.
I really do. Aww.
383
00:14:39,433 --> 00:14:41,672
And I was just telling your mum
how proud
384
00:14:41,712 --> 00:14:43,671
she must be to see you in that
magazine.
385
00:14:43,711 --> 00:14:45,790
Oh, she's very proud.
Immensely proud.
386
00:14:45,830 --> 00:14:49,268
And I think it's amazing you
remembered seeing "Oliver"
387
00:14:49,308 --> 00:14:51,587
with me, all those years ago, Adam.
388
00:14:51,627 --> 00:14:53,307
Yes, that is amazing, isn't it?
389
00:14:53,347 --> 00:14:55,106
You were only six.
390
00:14:55,146 --> 00:14:56,385
Only six.
391
00:14:56,425 --> 00:14:58,224
Although, come to think of it,
392
00:14:58,264 --> 00:15:01,423
didn't your mum take you
to see "Cats" when you were five?
393
00:15:01,463 --> 00:15:03,062
Well, Adam?
394
00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:06,221
Do you know?
I really can't remember.
395
00:15:06,261 --> 00:15:07,980
Oh, my God! Must dash.
396
00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:09,580
Love you, Auntie. Goodbye.
397
00:15:12,058 --> 00:15:13,658
OK. How insane is mum tonight?
398
00:15:13,698 --> 00:15:15,497
Oh, definitely new world record.
399
00:15:15,537 --> 00:15:17,736
Check he's still breathing? Go on.
400
00:15:19,415 --> 00:15:21,334
Dad?
401
00:15:23,094 --> 00:15:26,892
Of course. The rake.
402
00:15:30,610 --> 00:15:33,449
And there she is. Yup.
403
00:15:33,489 --> 00:15:35,968
Oi. Ready? Argh.
404
00:15:36,008 --> 00:15:37,247
SMASHING AND CLATTERING
405
00:15:38,727 --> 00:15:41,126
All right, Dad? Hello?
406
00:15:41,166 --> 00:15:43,685
Little turds!
What are you doing on the floor?
407
00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:46,203
Yes, why are you on the floor,
Father?
408
00:15:46,243 --> 00:15:48,922
Well, help me up, then, will you?
Certainly.
409
00:15:48,962 --> 00:15:51,961
THEY HEAVE
And here we go.
410
00:15:52,001 --> 00:15:53,240
MARTIN GROANS
411
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:54,440
THUMPING
412
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:55,719
Buggers.
413
00:15:55,759 --> 00:15:58,318
I thought you couldn't walk? What?
I thought you couldn't walk?
414
00:15:58,358 --> 00:15:59,718
I can't walk. Well, how did you get
415
00:15:59,758 --> 00:16:01,557
all the way from the living room
to the shed?
416
00:16:01,597 --> 00:16:02,916
I crawled. BOTH: Crawled?!
417
00:16:02,956 --> 00:16:03,956
Yeah.
418
00:16:05,075 --> 00:16:08,114
Now, look, I've made
the rake-broom device thingy.
419
00:16:08,154 --> 00:16:09,913
The "rake-broom device thingy".
420
00:16:09,953 --> 00:16:11,632
Yeah, we'll take it round the front
421
00:16:11,672 --> 00:16:13,112
and get the bag out the tree.
422
00:16:13,152 --> 00:16:14,751
Er, no, we won't. No, sir. Oh, God.
423
00:16:14,791 --> 00:16:17,030
Why won't anyone bleeding help me
tonight?
424
00:16:17,070 --> 00:16:19,789
Cos it's an effing
bag in an effing tree.
425
00:16:19,829 --> 00:16:21,468
And it's an effing eyesore.
426
00:16:21,508 --> 00:16:23,747
Wait! Maybe we could
help him a little.
427
00:16:23,787 --> 00:16:25,586
Really? Thank you!
428
00:16:25,626 --> 00:16:29,145
That way we'll get to see
him, you know.... What?
429
00:16:29,185 --> 00:16:31,224
Crawl?
430
00:16:32,863 --> 00:16:34,622
That's it, keep going.
431
00:16:34,662 --> 00:16:36,022
Get off!
432
00:16:36,062 --> 00:16:37,621
Faster! Faster!
433
00:16:37,661 --> 00:16:39,260
Stop it, you shits.
434
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:43,578
Oh, crap, I've just
put my hand in that bloody pie.
435
00:16:43,618 --> 00:16:45,977
OK, then, here we go.
436
00:16:46,017 --> 00:16:48,776
Uh-uh. I'm doing it, thank you.
437
00:16:48,816 --> 00:16:50,735
You're doing it?
You can't even stand up.
438
00:16:50,775 --> 00:16:52,454
I'm doing it, all right?
439
00:16:52,494 --> 00:16:54,134
It's my bag to get.
440
00:16:54,174 --> 00:16:56,373
It's mine. All right.
441
00:16:56,413 --> 00:16:58,852
HE GROANS
442
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:03,130
HE GRUNTS
443
00:17:03,170 --> 00:17:04,929
Behold!
444
00:17:04,969 --> 00:17:06,528
Our Lord has risen.
445
00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:09,567
You cretin. Careful!
446
00:17:12,006 --> 00:17:14,885
You think you can get away
from me, do you?
447
00:17:14,925 --> 00:17:17,164
He said, to a plastic bag!
448
00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:19,563
Easy does it.
449
00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:21,522
Easy does it. Eh?
450
00:17:23,121 --> 00:17:26,360
You didn't reckon with me, did you?
451
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,319
Argh. The pie!
452
00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:29,998
METAL CLANGS
Oh, no.
453
00:17:30,038 --> 00:17:31,637
GLASS SMASHES
454
00:17:31,677 --> 00:17:33,477
Ah! Shit on it! Oh, my God.
455
00:17:33,517 --> 00:17:35,036
Look at my car!
456
00:17:35,076 --> 00:17:37,155
Look at my car!
457
00:17:37,195 --> 00:17:38,674
Jonny, you dick.
458
00:17:38,714 --> 00:17:40,993
Sorry, but that is classic.
You bloody idiot.
459
00:17:41,033 --> 00:17:42,633
Look what you've done.
460
00:17:42,673 --> 00:17:45,031
Um, oops? Oops? Oops?
461
00:17:45,071 --> 00:17:46,191
What is going on?
462
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:47,350
Look what he's done.
463
00:17:47,390 --> 00:17:49,310
My whole window, smashed to pieces.
464
00:17:49,350 --> 00:17:50,509
Is that a rake?
465
00:17:50,549 --> 00:17:52,868
Um, a "rake-broom device thingy."
466
00:17:52,908 --> 00:17:55,707
Huh? I didn't mean to, Jackie.
It was the pie.
467
00:17:55,747 --> 00:17:57,906
Can you believe him? Look at my car!
468
00:17:57,946 --> 00:17:59,545
Look at it! Right.
469
00:17:59,585 --> 00:18:01,984
You, Martin,
are staying outside all night.
470
00:18:02,024 --> 00:18:03,863
Outside? With no crumble.
471
00:18:03,903 --> 00:18:04,983
No crumble?!
472
00:18:05,023 --> 00:18:06,862
And you, Adam.
473
00:18:06,902 --> 00:18:09,021
Well, it serves you right.
474
00:18:09,061 --> 00:18:12,300
Sorry? Yeah, I've been talking
to your mum,
475
00:18:12,340 --> 00:18:14,619
and it DOES serve you right.
476
00:18:14,659 --> 00:18:16,298
Oh, this is good.
477
00:18:16,338 --> 00:18:19,416
Serves me right? Serves me right?
478
00:18:19,456 --> 00:18:21,216
Ignore him, Val.
I will, Jackie.
479
00:18:21,256 --> 00:18:22,935
Don't you worry, I'll deal with it.
480
00:18:22,975 --> 00:18:24,814
Deal with what? With what?
481
00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:26,533
What?
482
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:28,093
You mention your father,
483
00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:29,932
you mention your brother,
484
00:18:29,972 --> 00:18:32,491
you even mention me,
but do you mention your own mother?
485
00:18:32,531 --> 00:18:35,090
Oh, my God! Please let me
film this. Pissface!
486
00:18:35,130 --> 00:18:37,848
I've told you, love, he doesn't
care. He does not care!
487
00:18:37,888 --> 00:18:41,247
He really doesn't. Jonny! Pusface!
488
00:18:43,206 --> 00:18:44,765
So that's it, is it?
489
00:18:44,805 --> 00:18:46,165
I've now got two mothers?
490
00:18:46,205 --> 00:18:48,444
Two deranged, psychopath mothers?
491
00:18:48,484 --> 00:18:50,883
Hey! Do you know what's even worse?
492
00:18:50,923 --> 00:18:53,561
You can't even tell your mother
you love her.
493
00:18:53,601 --> 00:18:56,000
Oh, my God.
Somebody shoot me right now.
494
00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,759
Why can't you tell your wonderful
mother you love her?
495
00:18:58,799 --> 00:19:00,718
Jonny, please take me
away in your rocket.
496
00:19:00,758 --> 00:19:01,958
Oh, shut up, Adam.
497
00:19:01,998 --> 00:19:04,517
I tell you, if my Spencer
doesn't say he loves me
498
00:19:04,557 --> 00:19:06,796
at least once a day,
you know what I do?
499
00:19:06,836 --> 00:19:09,395
Er, let me guess,
you smack his bottom?
500
00:19:09,435 --> 00:19:11,314
Yes, I smack his bottom.
501
00:19:11,354 --> 00:19:12,673
Really? Yes.
502
00:19:12,713 --> 00:19:14,832
I smack his bottom again and again
503
00:19:14,872 --> 00:19:17,671
until he says "I love you, Mum."
Well, that's certainly normal.
504
00:19:17,711 --> 00:19:19,670
Auntie, I think
you should smack Adam's bottom.
505
00:19:19,710 --> 00:19:21,629
Oh, I'll smack his bottom,
all right.
506
00:19:21,669 --> 00:19:24,428
Ow. Get off!
507
00:19:24,468 --> 00:19:26,347
Get off. No, go on, Val.
508
00:19:26,387 --> 00:19:28,866
Yes, go on, Auntie. Say it.
509
00:19:28,906 --> 00:19:30,305
Say it, then. Say what?
510
00:19:30,345 --> 00:19:31,825
Say you love your mother.
511
00:19:31,865 --> 00:19:33,424
Well, go on, Adam.
512
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:35,983
Say it. Oh, my God.
513
00:19:36,023 --> 00:19:37,662
Insanity!
514
00:19:37,702 --> 00:19:38,902
Insanity!
515
00:19:38,942 --> 00:19:40,341
That's it, run away.
516
00:19:40,381 --> 00:19:41,540
Go on.
517
00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:45,099
That was amazing.
518
00:19:45,139 --> 00:19:46,178
Oi!
519
00:19:48,258 --> 00:19:50,936
HE SNORES
520
00:19:50,976 --> 00:19:52,736
Well, this is fun.
521
00:19:54,015 --> 00:19:56,414
Hmmm? Sitting in a freezing car with
522
00:19:56,454 --> 00:19:57,973
a bloody snoring machine.
523
00:19:59,253 --> 00:20:00,332
Terrific.
524
00:20:00,372 --> 00:20:04,251
Here comes Crazy Mother Number Two.
525
00:20:04,291 --> 00:20:07,689
Tell her you love her!
526
00:20:07,729 --> 00:20:11,767
Yes. Don't crash on the way home.
527
00:20:11,807 --> 00:20:14,606
So, what are you going to do
about your stupid bag, then?
528
00:20:14,646 --> 00:20:17,685
What? Oh, that. That's all sorted.
529
00:20:17,725 --> 00:20:20,683
Sorted? But it's still up there.
530
00:20:20,723 --> 00:20:23,442
Yeah, but don't worry,
there's a plan.
531
00:20:23,482 --> 00:20:26,241
Plan? Hello, all.
532
00:20:26,281 --> 00:20:27,520
Jim.
533
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,400
Um, I was just passing,
534
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,599
and wondering how you're
535
00:20:31,639 --> 00:20:33,758
getting on with the bag in the tree.
536
00:20:33,798 --> 00:20:35,557
Um, there's a "plan", Jim.
537
00:20:35,597 --> 00:20:36,716
There's a plan.
538
00:20:36,756 --> 00:20:38,715
A plan? Come on, Milson.
539
00:20:40,195 --> 00:20:42,234
Car ruined.
540
00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:44,473
I've been racking my brain
541
00:20:44,513 --> 00:20:48,271
trying to work out how that bag got
up there in the first place.
542
00:20:48,311 --> 00:20:50,950
Well, yes, Jim, it is
a bit of a mystery.
543
00:20:50,990 --> 00:20:53,389
The wind!
544
00:20:53,429 --> 00:20:55,668
It fell from a helicopter?
545
00:20:55,708 --> 00:20:57,347
Uhh.
546
00:20:59,266 --> 00:21:01,106
Um, what's that thing?
547
00:21:01,146 --> 00:21:02,985
That thing's "the plan".
548
00:21:06,823 --> 00:21:09,222
Gotcha. Bingo!
549
00:21:09,262 --> 00:21:10,901
Mazeltov.
550
00:21:10,941 --> 00:21:14,060
�300 for a plastic bag?
551
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:17,219
Yeah, 300 lovely pounds.
552
00:21:17,259 --> 00:21:20,377
You're an idiot, Martin.
You know that? Yup.
553
00:21:20,417 --> 00:21:22,616
I know I've slagged off your
ridiculous spacesuit
554
00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:23,736
all night, but...
555
00:21:23,776 --> 00:21:26,295
You're freezing your bollocks off,
and now you want to wear it?
556
00:21:26,335 --> 00:21:28,334
Er, sort of.
557
00:21:28,374 --> 00:21:31,572
Go on, Pusface. Oh, thanks.
558
00:21:31,612 --> 00:21:33,691
Boys!
559
00:21:35,651 --> 00:21:38,369
Um, what do you want me
to do with it?
560
00:21:38,409 --> 00:21:41,488
I'll have that, thank you.
561
00:21:41,528 --> 00:21:43,847
That's right, Mr Bag.
562
00:21:43,887 --> 00:21:46,846
I win. You lose. Ho-ho!
563
00:21:46,886 --> 00:21:48,565
Done. Right.
564
00:21:48,605 --> 00:21:51,484
If anyone wants me,
I'll be having my crumble.
565
00:21:53,163 --> 00:21:55,882
Well, at least someone's happy.
566
00:21:55,922 --> 00:21:58,561
Hold on a minute.
567
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,320
Jonny?
568
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:03,039
Um, mate? You wouldn't mind putting
this back up there, would you?
569
00:22:03,079 --> 00:22:04,758
You want me to put it back up there?
570
00:22:04,798 --> 00:22:06,357
Yeah.
571
00:22:08,916 --> 00:22:11,635
I'll keep watch on Crazy Bag-man.
572
00:22:15,073 --> 00:22:19,231
Actually, would you mind not
putting it back up there?
573
00:22:19,271 --> 00:22:20,711
Not putting it back up there?
574
00:22:20,751 --> 00:22:22,190
Not putting it back up there?
575
00:22:22,230 --> 00:22:23,789
Yeah.
576
00:22:26,308 --> 00:22:28,268
Crimble crumble.
577
00:22:28,307 --> 00:22:29,787
Crimble crumble.
578
00:22:29,827 --> 00:22:32,106
PHONE RINGS
579
00:22:33,665 --> 00:22:36,224
Pusface? Amazing.
580
00:22:36,264 --> 00:22:38,543
OK, coming.
581
00:22:38,583 --> 00:22:40,982
Um, Dad?
582
00:22:41,022 --> 00:22:42,421
What?
583
00:22:42,461 --> 00:22:44,900
Oh, my bloody, bollocking back.
584
00:22:44,940 --> 00:22:48,019
Honestly, Dad, it's worth it,
I swear.
585
00:22:48,059 --> 00:22:52,337
Look. Oh, my God,
What have you done?
586
00:22:53,536 --> 00:22:55,895
You bastards! My coat!
587
00:22:55,935 --> 00:22:57,735
My lovely coat!
588
00:22:57,775 --> 00:23:00,014
Wait! Come back!
589
00:23:00,054 --> 00:23:03,092
Come back!
590
00:23:03,132 --> 00:23:05,451
Mum? What?
591
00:23:05,491 --> 00:23:07,610
I love you.
40107
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