All language subtitles for Lopez vs Lopez s01e01 Pilot.eng

- * Tearing out,
tearing out pieces *

- * To replace
the broken pieces of you *

[dance music]
- Oh, my God!

Why are you shaking your nalgas
for the whole world to see?

- I'm connecting with other
women who have daddy issues.

- Oh, I'm sure you'll connect
with some daddies on there too.

- Why would I take
social media advice from you?

You thought Instagram was
a weed delivery service.

- Sometimes it is.

I like the dancing, though.

[War's "Low Rider"]

- * The low rider *

* Is a little higher *

* *

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- What kind of measurement is
"as long as your arm"?

- You want it
to be exact, right?

My arm is always the same.

- What if someone else
uses your measurements

and they use their arm?

- That's a good note.

You know, Mayan, this kitchen
would get done a lot faster

if I could stay overnight.

This two-hour drive back
and forth is making me tired.

- It would get done faster
if I hired a contractor

who didn't always have a beer

at the end
of his measuring arm.

- Yeah, I mean, forget it.

You know, has this ever
happened to you, Mayan,

when you're driving,
and you close your eyes,

and you wake up and you go,
"That's not my house.

That's a tree!"

- I don't know
about you staying here, Dad.

I mean, it's only been,
like, six weeks

since we started
hanging out again.

- But it's been going good,
right?

- Yeah, I mean, you come here,
you do stuff for me,

we laugh, and you go home.

I love that last part.

- Please, Mayan, look,
I just want to do a good job.

- Okay, I still have
to ask Quinten.

But this is my house, my rules.

And we gotta set
some boundaries

so you don't trigger me.

- "Trigger"? Wait a minute.

You got a gun, Mayan?

I'm so proud of you!

- Emotionally trigger.

I hate guns.

You have a gun?

- Not on me.

Okay, so how do I avoid these
Los Triggers del Norte?

- Well, one of my triggers
is when you lie to me.

- I never lie to you.

- That's a lie.

- That is a lie.

- Another trigger is
when you yell at me.

- I never yell at you.
- That's another lie.

- Okay, this is starting
to feel like a series of traps.

Yelling is the Lopez way.

It's so people
take you seriously.

My nana used to say,
"There's the right way,

and then there's
the Lopez way."

She would take off her chancla
and throw it at you

and hit you,
so you never forgot.

And you know what?
I never forgot. Right here.

- Yeah, well, my therapist says
that instead of yelling,

I should resolve conflicts
through empathetic listening

and mutual understanding.

- I--I wasn't listening.

- Grandpa!
- Hey, what's up, Gordo?

- My name is Chance, not Gordo.

And I'm not fat. I got gains.

Just a few cupcakes away
from riding shotgun.

- I'm still not
calling you Chance,

'cause it looks like
there's a chance

that's not your father.

- [laughs nervously]

Why would you say
something like that?

- Because the kid looks
very Mexican,

and you look like somebody

that wouldn't get a rose
on "The Bachelorette."

- [clears throat]
Look, George,

even though I'm not
the toxic alpha male

you wanted
for Mayan's life partner,

I am confident in who I am.

So you can't hurt me.

- Yeah, you broke eye contact
at the end there, bro.

- Damn it.

- Grandpa, can you make me
a green juice?

- You want some greens?
Come on.

You pick your nose and eat it

like a real kid, huh?

Nature's candy. Come on.

- So my dad asked
if he could stay here.

- What, for, like, dinner?

- Just till he finishes
the kitchen.

Just remember to stay

at least three George Lopez
arms away from him.

- All right.

* *

- I'm here.
- Oh, no one cares.

Don't look, mijo.
You'll turn into stone.

- Hi, Mama.
- Mm, hi.

I just came to tell my family

that I sold five policies
this morning.

Rosie,
la reina of home insurance,

is killing it.

I'm going to be bigger
than the Progressive lady

and the Aflac duck.

- You already got the voice.

"I'm Rosie."
[quacking]

You saw
that Mayan and I did a TikTok,

and you wanted to come over
here and make things awkward.

- If I wanted
to make things awkward,

I'd show Mayan all your
drunken late-night texts

asking, "You up?"

- I was up.

* *

- This is Mayan Lopez,
vet tech with a mic.

Does climate change
concern you?

- Are you a fan of Doja Cat?

- What are your views
on Bitcoin?

- This guy is sitting
in his pictures,

which means he's short.

Left.

This guy is sitting in his car,

which means he's short
and married.

I see you, sir. Left.

- Brookie, if you never
swipe right, what's the point?

- I swipe right
on the rich guys.

And I refer them
to my OnlyFans.

What? It's just my feet.

I'm not a freak.

- Ugh, Duchess the chihuahua
is coming in today.

You know,
I hate when rich people

expect everything to be free.

That woman won't pay
for her dog's butt exam

because she's like,
"It's so small,

Like, how can you
even charge for that?"

- Ooh, the princess is here.

- Hello, Duchess.

- No, Duchess does not
touch the floor.

Dogs have been on that.

- I'm sorry.
Does Duchess identify as human?

Because she clearly presents
as a dog.

Anyway...while you're here,

there's a number of outstanding
services on your bill--

- Oh, could you please
send me an email?

I'm late for pilates.

- Well, we've let you defer
the last three visits, so--

- So that's a yes.

Goodbye, my darling.

Mommy will miss you.

[smooching]

- Orale, muchachos.
Thanks for the help, man.

Take a break, huh?

There you go.

No domestic beer
for you, Oscar.

My best friend deserves
only the best imported.

- Thanks, man.

Hey, you know what would be
even better, though?

- If we were high.

- How'd you know
I was gonna say that?

- 'Cause you said
the same thing this morning,

then we got high.

[both laugh]

[door slams]
- Hey, take it easy.

Some of us are high.

- Sorry, there's an entitled
white lady at work.

- Just one?

- One is all you need
to ground a Delta flight.

- She treats us all like crap.

- Sounds like you need
to show her the Lopez way.

- Please don't start.

- It's a foolproof method.

It's even how
your mom and I fell in love.

On our first date,
we made the waiter cry.

- That's not something
to be proud of.

- Then why did we take
a picture?

If you want results,
don't hold back, okay?

Hell, I do it to Oscar
all the time.

- You do?
- Listen, this isn't about you.

Now, why don't you mind
your own business

and get me another beer.

- Okay.

- Wait, wasn't the fridge
supposed to arrive today?

- Oh, yeah, yeah,
don't worry about that.

Sounds like work is
stressing you out, Mayan.

You know what?

I got something
that'll make you feel better.

- [screams]

Freaking bitches!

[yells]

[breathing heavily]

- Wow.
- Oh, man.

I didn't know I had that in me.
I guess I got that from you.

- You didn't get that throwing
the hammer down thing from me.

You got it from your mom.
Ta loca. I'm scared of you.

Put that in the truck.

* *

- Chance and your dad
are all tucked in.

George was a bit tipsy.

- How could you tell?

- Well, after we cheersed,
he said, "I love you."

- Baby, pretty sure he was
talking about the beer.

Thank you for being okay
with all this.

- Well, he fought me about
getting his pants off for bed,

but I feel like he's really
starting to trust me.

- It's night--what the--
why are these lights on?

That's crazy.

This one too.

What--hey, why are all
the lights on in this house?

- Why don't you bother
to knock?

- Do you guys even know
what electricity costs?

- 19.90¢ a kilowatt.

Sorry.

When I get nervous,
I say facts.

- We can afford
the lights, Dad.

I leave them on
in case Chance wakes up

and has to use the bathroom.

- You're a young couple, okay?

You don't know when you're
gonna need that money,

so both of you need to do--
you need to train Chance

how to see in the dark.

- I'm sorry. What?

- When I was little, I would
read with the light on,

and my grandmother would
turn the light off on me

and she would say,

"You need to learn
how to read in the dark,"

so I did, and not only that,

I still do it to this very day.

- Really?
- "Read in the dark."

He doesn't even read
in the light.

- Don't come running to me when
you don't have anything left.

I still got the first penny
I ever made.

I use it as a fuse.

What happened to my pants?

- I swear it was consensual.

- Don't judge me.

- I'm not.

I'm jealous of you. Hit me.

- Man, these last few days
with my dad

and his frickin' lights.

[shower running]

Ah!

Soap in my eye!

Oh, burning!

Oh, Dad, can you
turn off the lights?

- No, I like to leave them on
when I watch a movie.

It helps me see it better.

- I just want
to scream in his face,

but that's pre-therapy Mayan.

I just want my dad in my life

and Chance to know
his grandfather.

So for now, salud.

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

[sighs]

No!

Whoa!

Dad!

- What happened?

- You shut
the lights off on me,

and now I think
my ass is broken.

- No, you're like your mom.

You got enough cushion
back there to survive

a fall from much, much higher.

- That's it.

I'm done being disrespected
by you in my home.

- Technically, it's my house.

My mom gave it to me,
and I gave it to you.

- You didn't even want it.

You were trying
to default on the mortgage

so you could throw Grandma
into a senior home

that someone on Yelp
called a no-kill shelter.

- She wouldn't die.

- But when she did,
I took over the mortgage.

I'm paying for this house,
not you.

And why isn't the kitchen done?

- I told you.
The fridge is on back order.

- Then order a different one.

- It's not possible.

- Why not?

- They don't allow it.

Something about
the global supply chain

and the Illuminati
or something--you know--

- Just give me
your credit card,

and I'll change the order.

- There is no order
because I couldn't afford it.

I put everything
on my credit cards,

and I'm maxed out.

- You said
you had everything covered.

What happened to your money?

- What happened to my money
is none of your damn business.

- [scoffs]
Let me guess.

You spent it all
on your favorite things.

- Don't do that.

- Gambling, women,
getting drunk.

That's just great, Dad.

You let me down again.

- Let you down?
Come on. I was a good dad.

I was a good provider
for you and your mom.

- Oh, yeah.
You were a really good dad.

How about the time
that you left me

in the fountain
in front of the casino

and told me
it was the kiddie pool?

- That's how you learned
to swim and count change.

Anyway, what right do you have
to complain?

You had a dad.

My dad was out
before I was even born.

- You can't use
your crappy childhood

as an excuse
for how you treat me.

- I can if you're gonna
act like a bitch.

- I can't believe
you just said that.

- You're just like your mom.
You know, I don't need this.

- Oh, I don't need it either.

So leave.
- I'm leaving.

Oh, if the guy
from Instagram shows up,

there's a little cartridge of--

- Get out!

[knocking at door]

- What do you want?

- Can I stay with you, Rosie?

Ay dios mío.

It's just because
my left side is numb,

I've been having chest pains,
and you're the only person

that I trust in the whole world
to take care of me.

- You trust me,
your ex who you cheated on?

Pobre viejo estúpido.

What's really going on?

- I have no place else to go.

- What are you talking about?

- Rosie...

I lost my house.

- Oh, my God, how?

- Because of the pandemic.

I lost 50% of my business.

I sold my house so the workers
could feed their kids.

My cards are maxed out.

I've been sleeping in my car.

My daughter hates me.

You're not gonna kick me
while I'm down, are you?

- Honey, I wouldn't do that...
right now.

- I was ashamed to tell Mayan
'cause I don't want her

to lose respect for me.

- Oh, honey.
Mayan's never respected you.

Ay, George, there's no shame
in falling on hard times.

You worked so hard to take
care of us for all those years.

There was always a roof over
our heads, food on the table,

even if it was the same deal

for those hoochies
you cheated on me with.

- Just the one that threatened
to take me to Judge Joe Brown.

- [laughs]

The truth is,

Mayan doesn't care
about gifts and money.

She just wants you
to be her dad,

but that means that you have
to be honest with her

about everything.

- Honest about everything?

[sighs]

Rosie, I don't know
if I can do that.

- Well, if you can't
find a way,

then you're never going to have
a close relationship

with your daughter.

- You know she leaves
the lights on?

- [gasps] Oh, no.
Such a waste of money.

And that green juice
they always buy?

Oof.

- What's that gonna do
to the plumbing?

- Oh...

[computer chiming]

- Is my Duchess ready
for pickup?

- Yes, she was ready yesterday,
so there's a boarding fee.

- Oh, well, you people closed
before my sound bath was over,

so that's not my fault.

- Not today.

Pay up, Jana,
or Duchess hits the floor!

- No!
She's terrified of the floor.

This is not right.

- Well, there's a right way,
and then there's the Lopez way.

Pay up. Come on.

Now put it on the counter
nice and slow.

- Ooh.

You are so turning me on
right now.

- Just so you know,
that turned me on too.

- [laughs]

- Shh. We're meditating.

Don't mess up my zen, Mommy.

- I'm sorry, baby.

Namaste.

[phone chimes]

Wow.

My dad sent me a TikTok.

- What?

- Yeah.
- Really?

[soft music]

* *

[upbeat dance music]

- [singing in Spanish]

- Is it working?

I feel like my stuff
is moving back there.

- No, we can't see it.
- Where?

- Look, we can't see it
because your ass is flatter

than an open Jarrito
left out overnight.

Look, you gotta pump it
like this.

No, no, no. Mira, George.
Pump it. Así.

You gotta pump it.

Hold on to the table
and pump it.

* *

- I can't believe he did that.

He swallowed his pride
and was honest,

and in front
of the whole world too.

- Mm. Only eight views.

You should tell him
about the beauty filter.

He doesn't have to be honest
about everything.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- You know, Mayan,

someday this kitchen's
gonna look incredible.

- Will either of us
be alive to see it?

- Oh, no.

- You know, I finally stood up
to that lady at work.

- Damn, Mayan.
You Lopez wayed her?

- Oh, yeah.

You know, I spent
a lot of money in therapy

trying to find healthy ways
to avoid getting angry,

but sometimes
the healthiest thing to do

is to just scream at a bitch.

- That's what's up.
- Hello.

But that applies to you too.

If you're gonna stay here,
you're gonna have to learn

to have some respect for me.

- And what, do I have
to respect Quinten,

the friendly ghost, too?

So what are you saying?
That I can stay here?

- Yeah, I'd like that.

- And I would like that
too, Mayan.

You know, I think
my eight followers on TikTok

would consider this
a major breakthrough.

- Oh, those aren't
followers, Dad.

Those are Polish sex bots.

- That's cool.
I don't have a type.

I love you, baby.

- I love you, too.
- Okay.

- Oh, and, Dad, can you
turn off the lights?

- What the hell is that?

- It's a night light.

Runs on batteries.

- Orale, Mayan,
way to save money!

You gotta buy me a house.

Also, you're gonna need
a fridge.

Oh, and we found some mold
under the floor,

but we'll take care of it.

Good night. Namaste.

* *

- Grandpa, can you tell me
a bedtime story?

- Oh, no.

Last time, you got all scared,

and you ran to your mom
and the guy

that keeps saying
he's your father.

- I won't cry this time.

Please?
- Okay.

Did I ever tell you
the one about the llorona?

Or the man that was born
with a owl body?

- Mommy!

- Pay attention to how easy
he finds you in the dark.

["Low Rider"]

* *

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