Original subtitles

GRETEL: I got a cheese sandwich

and an apple. What did you get?

I got some thumbtacks, a postage stamp

and a pamphlet on how to change my oil.

Don't eat that.

Oh, sorry, sweetie. I gave you the wrong bag by mistake.

Calzone. That's just a folded pizza.

The game launch has me a little distracted.

Ooh! The Ocean But With Monsters comes out tomorrow.

Kevin is super hyped for that.

I did it. I did it!

I'm first in line.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Well, now that my work on the game is done,

I can focus on chaperoning your sleepover

while your mom's away at her fancy conference.

It's not just a sleepover.

BOTH: It's our best friend-iversary weekend extravaganza!

It's so exciting!

Right, Dad? Dad?

You're sleep standing again.

Dad needs a long nap.

See you this afternoon.

Good morning, class.

I have a special announcement.

My apartment still has termites. (CHUCKLES)

Also, we have a new student.

Please welcome Tina. She just moved here from out of state.

I left my home and everyone I know.

I'm all alone now.

There's a seat next to me.

Hi, I'm Bailey. Nice to meet you.

And I'm... Your name's Bailey?

That's a cool name.

Thanks. It means an outer wall of a castle.

And this is my best friend, Gretel.

It's nice to... Wow! Outer wall of a castle.

I bet you're strong, huh?

And foreboding. (CHUCKLES) Just kidding. It all...

Hmm. Looks like they're hitting it off, huh?

(SCREAMS)

Oh, that's the model skeleton for today's science lesson.

Oh! I got eaten by termites!

I appreciate the passion, but camping in the mall?

That's a weird way to spend your day off.

First few copies are limited edition.

It's not that weird.

I can't fall in love with you. I'm a monster.

On the ocean, we can love whoever we want.

Okay, it's a little weird.

And then Tina told me she's afraid of Venus flytraps too.

Wow, she really opened up to you, huh?

Of course. If you're nice, you can make a friend out of anyone.

Anyway. She's really into video games.

I told her all about my dad's shop, and then she said...

That's enough Tina talk. It's time for our toast.

(CLEARS THROAT)

On the day we became best friends,

we had a cucumber slushy melt.

It wasn't great, but each year we share one because it symbolizes...

TINA: Hi, Bailey.

Hi, Tina. Hope my gerbil named Gerbil and I

aren't interrupting anything important.

(SQUEALS) That is the cutest rodent I've ever seen.

Actually, I was in the middle of my speech.

Oh, please continue.

Friendship. It symbolizes friendship.

Okay, now I'm done.

Awesome speech, Grendel.

Do you guys mind if I hang out with you?

It's Gretel.

And actually, this is our annual best friend-iversary

weekend sleepover extravaganza.

It's special for just the two of us. So...

Oh. I used to have a best friend, too,

until I moved here. I am all alone now.

Oh, no. Well, of course you can join us.

Right, Gretel?

I guess so.

Sweet. Let's go, Bailey.

WOMAN: ♪ Good things always come in twos

♪ Like a pair of socks or a pair of shoes

♪ Like windshield wipers or skates or skis

♪ Chopsticks I'll take two please

♪ Two's a really nice round number

♪ Three's a little odd and it'll make you wonder

♪ It's gonna make you wonder

♪ There's a third wheel on a two-wheel bike

♪ It's an arrangement that I'm finding really difficult to like

♪ 'Cause there's a third wheel That odd number three

♪ But is the third wheel her

♪ Or is it me? ♪

Oh, my goodness, Bailey. You are so funny.

Thanks. I get it from my mom's side.

It's more of a dry humor.

Oh, looks like it's time to go over to your house

for our exclusive sleepover. Right, Bailey?

I used to have sleepovers, but I am all alone now.

Oh, that's so sad.

You can come over too if you want. Right, Gretel?

Actually, I'm suddenly not feeling so good.

I think maybe I'm just going to sleep at my house.

But it's our annual best friend-iversary extravaganza.

Well, you two can go ahead and enjoy your new friend-aganza.

Okay. Feel better, Gretel.

Fred, can you take me home?

It's a long story.

I'm mad at Bailey for being super nice to the new girl.

Okay, it's a short story.

Come on, Little G.

Let's leave your brother to his madness.

It's not madness. Hey! No cutting!

I work here.

Oh, sorry. The place looks great.

Everything okay, sweetie?

I just wish Gretel was here.

I know what might cheer you up.

We can finally play The Ocean But With Monsters.

Actually, I was thinking we could play another game.

This is the game that I used to play with my friends back home.

I am all alone now.

Oh, no. Of course we'll play your game, Tina. Right, Dad?

I don't really have a choice, do I?

And then Bailey let her get in our paddle boat because of her weak knees.

I didn't realize we got tickets to Tina-palooza.

Hmph. Hmph.

And we're here.

Wait. This is Bailey's house.

Look, I'm not one for inspirational speeches, so I'll keep this short.

Bailey's your best friend, so just talk it out.

(GROANS)

TINA: You have to grab the scorching chive,

and then throw it while saying, "scorching chive."

So the blinking green square in this black void is a chive?

That's it. Oh, my battery is out. Be right back.

Scorching chive. Scorching chive.

(BEEPS) (CACKLES)

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) They're in.

Begin operation.

What now, Sergei?

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh! Grendel. Hi.

Hi, Tina. Sorry about earlier. Can I talk to Bailey?

Uh, Bailey doesn't want to talk to you.

Oh, what's that, Bailey? Gretel needs to go now

because we're about to order some delicious calzones?

Well, you heard her.

Wait. Bailey hates calzones.

She says they're just folded pizzas. (GASPS) ...folded pizzas.

Bailey!

Farewell forever, Grendel.

I gotta be honest. I did not see that coming.

TINA: (IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) We did it, boys.

We took Bailey and father without glitch.

Wait. American Superhero Gretel.

Ugh! Gerbil and I will handle her. You two get us to airport.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Engage combat mode.

Hamster!

I can handle this clown. Save your bestie.

Hey! Get her!

Hey, you squished the ketchup packets I had in my pocket!

(GRUNTS)

Who are you and what are you doing with my best... fan?

She's a fan of mine.

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) I am spy from great nation of Bolgylvania.

Bolgylvania? I've never heard of that.

We are new, but we are a proud country.

Especially of our burgeoning video game industry.

This game, terrible.

TINA: Problem is, we do not know how to make good video game.

Only have Scorching Chive. Is boring.

So we decide to take the genius game designer

behind Ocean But With Monsters

by using his adorable daughter.

So you just pretended to like Bailey?

I'm not pretending. She's so nice.

I decided to take her back to Bolgylvania to be new best friends.

We get on plane, we eat snack, play some cards.

You are not invited.

Please. You think those gloves can...

What Bolgylvania lacks in video games

we make up for in combat weaponry.

You will... (GRUNTS)

Scorching chive. Scorching chive.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Bailey!

Kevin, come in.

(BEEPS) Hey, what's up, Gretel?

GRETEL: It's the new girl. She's taking Bailey and her dad...

(BEEPS)

No, no, no, no. (SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)

Oceans can wait.

You guys can take my place in line.

There are no lines in the ocean.

Only a beckoning of the heart...

Just move up, Martha.

Relax, Steve. As long as you keep your eyes on the road,

it's smooth sailing. (SCREAMS)

That rarely happens.

(BOTH SCREAMING AND GRUNTING)

Engage rocket boots!

You fool.

Nothing can beat personal desire to have new best friend.

(GRETEL SCREAMS)

How am I gonna beat her?

It's easy to be nice.

That's sweet, but I'm in the middle of something,

floating Bailey head.

If you're nice, you can make a friend out of anyone.

Oh, I get it.

And calzones are just folded pizzas.

Hey, Tina, are you okay?

What do you mean? I am tiny special agent.

Of course I am okay.

Are you sure? It seems like you're all alone.

Well, I had best friend once.

Her name is Drobla.

She is nice one, obviously. I am fun one.

But they recruit her into Bolgylvanian space program. (SNIFFLES)

Now Drobla is out there stuck on space station.

And I am all alone now.

Why didn't you say so?

Tina!

Oh, Drobla! I have missed you.

Thank you for reuniting me with best friend.

Also good timing. A space monster just got into station.

Yeah, we probably shouldn't leave this here.

Thank you, Gretel.

Sergei, abort mission.

Of course we'll keep in touch.

Thanks, Hamster. You are nice friend for cyborg like me.

Floating Bailey head?

Yep.

(WEAKLY) Scorching chive.

Oh, thank goodness it's over.

Hey, guys. I let me and Hamster in.

Gretel! I'm sorry I let Tina horn in on our special weekend.

I should've been more sensitive.

No, I'm sorry. You're the nicest person I know.

And I shouldn't have gotten mad at you for being nice to Tina.

Where's Tina, anyway?

Uh, her parents decided to move back to Bolgylvania.

Bolgylvania? It's new.

Gretel! My cell phone died and I...

I just wanted to make sure you got to Bailey's house. Okay, bye.

Wait. Dad, Kevin was waiting in line for your game.

Why didn't you say so?

Here's the special edition.

(GASPS)

Yes! Yes! Yes!

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Hamster and Gretel

♪ It's Hamster

♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪

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