Original subtitles

♪ Who's the improbable duo That you heard about?

♪ Faster than a scooter Stronger than metal

♪ Who's the little girl And her domesticated rodent?

♪ Who's still standing When you see the dust settle?

♪ It's Hamster Hamster, Hamster

♪ Hamster and Gretel

♪ If they can't do it Then nobody can

♪ Hamster, Hamster, Hamster

♪ Hamster and Gretel

♪ There's also Kevin In the minivan ♪

We've got to figure out what's going on with the aliens.

None of this makes sense.

Yeah. Why would they give powers to Fistpuncher

and The Destructress to do evil,

but then tell you and Hamster to do good?

Maybe we heard them wrong?

Maybe they said, "Use your powers for no good."

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, cuz, what's up?

There's been a UFO sighting downtown.

You guys should check it out because, you know, aliens.

Let's go check it out right now.

Check what out?

BOTH: Uh, nothing.

Good. Gretel, you're supposed to get the dishes done before bedtime.

Mom's right. We didn't teach you to wash dishes

so you wouldn't wash dishes.

Can I just do it tomorrow morning?

You are all out of tomorrow mornings.

I'm putting my foot in.

Putting your foot "down."

We also did not teach our son to correct my idioms.

We should be investigating, not doing the dishes.

To be fair, all these alien sightings

have turned out to be false alarms.

The weather balloons, the drones...

That oversized pie tin that flew away in the wind.

I'm not letting you get away again, you flat piece of trash.

Listen, my point is this particular UFO tip

may not be worth getting grounded over.

But we need answers.

Hey, let it go.

I'm going to take this trash out before Churro tries to eat any more.

(CHURRO BARKS)

Or what if we go downtown, check out the UFO tip

and then come back and do the dishes?

Are you asking me? Because I'm down.

There it is. It even says "UFO" on it.

Never mind.

Kevin was right.

The three saddest words in the English language.

(SIGHS) Maybe we're overreacting

and the aliens aren't actually doing crazy, impulsive things.

MALE ALIEN: Let's do something crazy and impulsive.

FEMALE ALIEN: Yay! I love it when you're fun.

MALE ALIEN: Me too. I love fun me.

I don't remember seeing cleaning up after Sloppy Joe night

in my camp counselor contract.

Contract. You have a lawyer?

I am a lawyer. Things have been slow lately.

Wait, we left a Sloppy Joe behind.

Leave it. What's the worst that could happen?

MALE ALIEN: Greetings, soggy sandwich.

We will now bestow upon you powers unimaginable!

(GROWLING)

(MALE ALIEN LAUGHS)

FEMALE ALIEN: I love fun you.

(GROWLING)

Super power, super smooth.

Home by bedtime. Nighty night, Hamster.

Wait. I can't help but feel like we forgot something.

Someone is in a lot of trouble.

(GASPS) The dishes. I'm so sorry.

I got sidetracked. I'll go do them now.

Too late.

BOTH: You're grounded!

No!

Uh, did I just hear the "G" word?

Yep. Your little sister is spending the entire weekend

in her room.

And then he let out a bloodcurdling scream

because they were all out of two-ply toilet paper!

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

Well, I didn't think it was that scary...

(SCREAMS) (GROWLING)

Okay. I get what you were screaming at now.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Uh, hello.

Kevin, wake up.

I just saw a live-stream online.

Something's attacking campers at the old Appaloosa campground.

We're at the old Appaloosa campgrounds.

We've been running from something all night.

It's gooey and, and... (SCREAMS)

We've got to get over there.

Gretel, you're grounded.

No, no, no. I have an idea.

Mom said I couldn't leave my room.

What if I could fight it from my room?

I'm sorry. What now?

What if I could just, you know,

battle the monster villain thing,

but from my window.

That makes zero sense.

First off, you have short little arms

that couldn't punch anything from a window.

And second, there's something called,

oh, I don't know, physics!

Have my short arms or physics ever stopped us before?

Never.

I totally forbid you from doing whatever it is you were just proposing.

No! Okay?

You know, technically, he didn't forbid you from doing anything.

Oh, I'm down.

(GRUNTING)

GRETEL: Try to fly smooth so we don't attract attention.

HAMSTER: Yeah, because a smooth flying building

is less noticeable.

Did you hire a flying building to distract me, Clyde?

No, I did not, Andrew.

But I did hire that opera singer.

(SINGING OPERA)

Well played, Clyde. Well played.

(SCREAMS) Gretel!

You can't ground a hamster.

Did anybody else feel that?

Yes. I'm feeling dizzy, like the room is moving.

Oh, my goodness, it must have been something you ate.

You should sit down

and stay very, very, very far away from the windows.

I need someone to help me with, um...

my guided meditation homework.

I have to guide my parents through a mental journey to help them relax.

So here, take these towels.

I don't know, Kev. Your mom and I aren't really into meditation.

It'll only take a minute. Plus my grade depends on it.

If I fail my guided meditation,

I may not get into college or get a job

or become a functioning member of society.

Do you want me to fail?

What do we do with these towels?

Blindfolds. You've got to cover your eyes.

You're really going to love this.

Don't want to be late to my optometrist's appointment.

Sweet mercy!

I forgot my phone.

GRETEL: There it is.

Let's get a closer look.

Where is everybody?

Do you see any monsters, Hamster?

Got my hands full at the moment.

Are we done yet? How long has it been?

Time doesn't exist when you're in a deep state of relaxation.

Don't peek. If you peek, I fail.

Okay. I want you to focus on my voice.

And picture yourself, um, (CLEARS THROAT) flying.

Floating above the apartment like a bird.

I already feel like I'm flying.

Wow, my ears just popped.

GRETEL: Look at all that gunk.

(SNIFFING)

Huh. Smells like Sloppy Joes.

Follow that sloppy trail.

Now, now,

picture yourselves on a hike

with lots of hills and valleys.

Left.

Then right.

Then left again.

Headed somewhere like, uh, the woods.

Smell that crisp pine air.

(SNIFFS) Ah! Ah!

It smells so real.

Leave them alone, you Sloppy Joe monster thing!

(GROWLS) (CHILDREN SCREAMING)

Remember, the camp and its subsidiaries

are not liable for any injuries.

We get it, Mike. You're a lawyer.

Gross. What's it...

Hamster, look out!

Okay. Now imagine yourself being light, weightless.

Wow, Kevin, you make it seem so real.

All part of the assignment, which is not finished yet.

Good. I'm starting to really relax.

(GROWLING)

I got my phone. Now... Oh, my gosh!

Forgot my glasses.

Hamster, I need a better angle.

Sloppy Joe punch!

(GRUNTING)

My arms really are too short for that.

Kevin was right.

Three saddest words.

(LAUGHS) Don't evil laugh at me.

I've got a few tricks up my sleeve and in my room.

(SCREAMS) MAN: ♪ I got beef CHORUS: ♪ You got beef

MAN: ♪ I got beef CHORUS: ♪ You got a beef with beef

MAN: ♪ And if you get a little sloppy when you're playing from the home base

♪ I got beef CHORUS: ♪ You got a beef with beef

MAN: ♪ Mama said not to leave your room

♪ But the timing of this punishment is inopportune

♪ You got work to do so you better push though

♪ She doesn't have to know About this little costume

MAN: ♪ It's the letter of the law, a technicality

♪ You're not breakable You're figuring out how to be

♪ The kind of pint-sized hero that you're proud to be

♪ 'Cause its mean meat messes your reality

♪ I got beef CHORUS: ♪ You got beef

MAN: ♪ I got a beef with beef CHORUS: ♪ You got a beef with beef

WOMAN: I left the stove on!

MAN: ♪ And if you get a little sloppy when you're playing from the home base

♪ I got beef CHORUS: ♪ You got a beef with beef

MAN: ♪ So fly, it's this guy that's flying ground beef

♪ Sloppy Joseph is explosive

♪ Had to find a way around it

♪ It's a whole lot of fun when you stick to your guns

♪ Trying to treat you like a burger

♪ Put you back in your buns

♪ I got beef CHORUS: ♪ You got beef

MAN: ♪ I got a beef with beef CHORUS: ♪ You got a beef with beef

MAN: ♪ I got beef

♪ I got a beef with beef CHORUS: ♪ You got a beef with beef ♪

I want you to... (SCREAMS)

Okay. Now, imagine a filthy octopus

is playfully dragging me to its lair.

(SNIFFS) I smell Sloppy Joes.

Octopuses smell like Sloppy Joes.

Not a lot of people know that. (GRUNTS)

Just remember, keep those blindfolds on,

no matter how loud I scream.

(GROWLING)

Hitting him doesn't do anything.

It's too mushy.

(GRUNTS) (CLATTERING)

Grr!

Fred, how do you make a Sloppy Joe less sloppy?

This is not how conversations usually start.

I'm fighting this Sloppy Joe monster,

and it's not solid enough to hit.

Well, overcooking it will make it more solid, so...

But I can't cook. I'm not even allowed to touch the stove.

You've got heat vision, right?

Ooh. Great idea. Thanks, Fred.

Heat vision.

(WHIMPERING)

(SCREAMING)

Solid Joe punch!

We did it, Hamster. Now hurry and get us home.

I mean, get our home home.

Time to get my peepers peeped.

Wait a minute.

My appointment's tomorrow.

And finally,

after this unnecessarily complicated journey,

it's safe to remove your blindfolds.

Mom? Dad?

(BOTH SNORING)

Wow, I'm pretty good at this.

What the...

Ha! You thought you destroyed me?

Well, I'm the brains of this sloppy outfit.

And I'm going to use my powers to conquer the entire...

(GULPS)

(BURPS)

He really does eat anything.

I'm glad we helped those campers.

But it would've been easier if I hadn't been grounded.

I think this is all proof that we should stick to crime fighting

and not running around looking for UFOs.

I'm down.

MAN: The darn wind took the pie tin again!

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