Original subtitles

(groovy music)

(dance music)

(clapping)

- How long have you been there?

- Long enough to see that you've got a good act.

- I'll bet you came in here for something

besides a show.

- As a matter of fact, I came--

As I was saying, I came in here for

a piece of apple pie and a cup of coffee.

- You're not from around here?

- Why do you ask?

- Afternoon fair lady, kind sir,

any idea where California went?

- It went that-a-way pardner.

- Straight down this here road a piece?

- Sure a piece, just beyond Arizona.

- I have five mighty hungry companions with me

on this trip, appetites you can't imagine.

- Well I'll sell you anything in the place, mister.

- I'll settle for 10 Hershey bars please.

- That'll be one dollar.

- Can you cash a hundred?

- I've never even seen one.

- Lucky me, here's a single.

Good bye fair Guinevere, I must hasten on

to the land of milk and honey.

- Hey, wait a minute.

- He here for you friend?

- That's Jimmy, he's always hiding out there

to look for speeders.

- You're really hooked on this dancing aren't you?

Hey, ever thought of being a professional?

- I guess I'd give about anything in the world

to be one.

- I can help you.

- You can help me?

- Sure, look my sister's the No. 1 attraction

in Los Angeles in a groovy Hollywood night club.

Let me show you, there she is.

My sister, Joan Nichols.

- This is your sister?

- Yup.

- Go on, you're a bigger nut than he was.

- Hold on now.

Same girl.

Listen, I'm on my way to Hollywood right now.

Why don't you come with me and

I'll bet ya my sister can make ya into a star

just like that.

And I'll do all that for you in exchange

for a little companionship.

You know what I mean, like being my relief driver.

I wanna drive straight through.

- Oh boy, have you got a line a mile long.

- Nah, I'm serious.

- I'm sure you are.

Look, I may have stars in my eyes

but I don't believe everything I hear.

- [Father] Michele come in here!

- Excuse me.

- Girl I told you an hour ago to get

them pots and pans washed.

- [Michele] Daddy, I've got a customer out front.

- You do them dirty dishes, I'll take

care of the front.

- No, please.

- What did you say?

- Mr. Johnson hired me to take care of the front.

And you to take care of the kitchen.

You want to get us fired again?

- Don't you get smart with me!

- I'm not getting smart.

Just that you've been drinking

and you're going out there and

making a fool of yourself anyway.

- That's what's bothering ya.

I've been drinking.

I slopped up a few stinkin' beers,

I ain't good enough to be your father no more, huh?

- Daddy please.

- What do you mean Daddy please?

You afraid I'm gonna breathe on

some of your lousy studs out there, is that it?

- That's enough!

- Ya no good tramp, you're just like your mother.

- You're right, I am like her and I'm glad.

At least she had enough guts to get away from you.

(screams)

- What's wrong, huh?

- You still want someone to go to Hollywood with?

- You bet I do.

- Help yourself to another cup of coffee

while I get some things packed.

- Now, Michele look

I guess I'd better come clean with you.

There's another reason I asked you along.

- I know, we can fight about that later.

- No, no, no, no,

look, I'll treat you any way you wanna be treated.

Fair enough?

- You were serious, weren't you?

- Sure, sure I was serious but,

well there is one minor complication.

I ain't got enough bread for gas all the way into L.A.

Will you be able to help in that department too?

(siren blaring)

Baby, I think you're gonna be good for me.

The old luck is changing already.

(traveling music)

Snack time, anything special you want?

- Yeah, a place to comb my hair.

- I'll see what they have.

Come on, move it.

- Hey man, you getting ready for move it?

- Would you like to take his brains out

and play with them now?

- There'll be none of those shenanigans in here.

You come in for what you wanted and leave.

- There's no problem, ma'am, no problem.

- My god, Buz, you're out of your mind!

Don't you know they'll kill you for that?

- Don't you worry your pretty head about it.

- Let's get out of here quick.

- That punk with the chick!

- That snobby man?

- You better believe it.

- Keep the motor running.

Have fun.

- What are we gonna do now man?

- Why don't you just shut your mouth.

- And you wanted to save us from my drinking.

Move over, come on!

I'm sorry.

Well I said I was sorry.

Well say something.

- I guess I was just tired.

- Come here.

(romantic music)

(tires squealing)

Hey, recognize him?

- Of course I do.

He's the guy with all the words.

- You mean he's the guy with all the bread.

Come on, let's go pick him up.

- The good samaritans, I presume.

- Need help?

- Yeah I guess you could say so.

Traveler here, my bike, seems to have thrown a rod.

- Well now, seems to me you've got

an awful lot of trouble with that wreck.

Yesterday you had it on a truck bed.

Oh yeah, we've met before, haven't we?

Why you, my fair lady, you're Guinevere,

but I don't seem to recall your name sir.

- Look cut the baloney out, huh?

You want a ride?

- My other name is Michele.

He's Buz.

- Michelle and Buz, mine's Critter.

- Critter?

- Yeah, you know, like a cowboy's horse

or a wayward calf without a home.

- Look, come on, you want a ride?

- Yes we do.

- What do you mean we?

- Well, Traveler and I.

- Oh no, look wise guy, I ain't carrying

no beat up old motorcycle in the back of my car.

- You won't have to, I got a tow bar.

- No, you gotta have a bumper hitch

for one of them to work.

- Ah, it just so happens I have one of those, too.

Well, for a short time.

- Where did you go, Africa, South America?

- In Nepal.

- Nepal?

- Yeah, you know, it's between India and Tibet.

I helped the natives herd yaks in the Himalayas.

- Yaks, you're kidding.

Critter, I'll bet you've got a college education.

- Well, yes and no.

I didn't get a degree, but I tried my hand

at Columbia and Berkeley.

- I wish I could've gone to one of them.

- I'm not the scholarly type.

- Look I hate to bud in on this real brilliant conversation

but we gotta pay and get outta here.

Waitress, check please.

Now how bout it, Critter old pal, seems to me

this place ought to have change for a 50?

Maybe even a 100, huh?

- Ever since I got back, I've been carrying

my billfold full of Nepalese money.

But you can try to get it cashed if you like.

- OK baby, shell out yours.

Ten bucks, that's all you've got?

- I had to buy gas.

- But you went back to the cash register.

- And took what was coming to me.

It amounted to $14.

- Well that's just great.

With this tab coming to 4.50, that'll leave us

a lousy 5.50 to get to L.A.

- Look, I didn't take any more from the

cash register than $14.

That was mine.

- OK yak boy, can you take care of your own share?

- Yeah, I can come up with my own share.

And $15 more to boot.

Why, we ought to be able to reach

Los Angeles with 20 bucks.

- Come on.

- What a ride!

- You enjoy it?

Hey, you wanna go for a ride?

- Ah, no, I guess I'll pass for now, thanks a lot.

- I don't know about you guys, but I'm thirsty.

- You and Buz plan to get married in L.A.?

- I'm riding with him to L.A.

He's going to help me get started as a dancer.

His sister can help me, that's all there is to it.

- Well my naive country girl, I hope it.

- Maybe Buz does seem a little crude at times

but you just have to get to know him.

- Like two days?

Hey, don't pay any attention to me.

What you do is your own business

and it's really no concern of mine.

- That's right, it is no concern of yours.

I'm going to become a dancer, Critter,

and a good one.

You said yourself, I'm pretty.

I'm good at dancing, too.

- You're even prettier when you're wet and angry

honey child.

- Critter stop teasing me, I want you to

take me seriously for once.

- Oh I'm taking you seriously.

- Stop it Buz!

- Now listen you, you stay away

from Michele, understand?

- Why don't you let her decide that?

- Yeah, why not?

- Are you here in California to play with

the yak boy and his broken down old motorcycle?

Or are you here for a reason?

Now you tell him.

Tell him!

- I'm here to be a dancer!

- Hey, how far is it to Los Angeles?

- About 20 miles.

- Thanks.

- Find your number?

- Ah, yeah.

- Will this be cash or charge?

- Cash.

- Hey, what the devil's goin on?

- Stay in the car.

Get behind the wheel.

- Where's the attendant?

- Sound asleep.

OK, roll this baby out of here.

- Buz what have you done?

Have you gone crazy?

- Move it!

OK, yak boy, you can get outta here if you want to.

- You're not afraid I might turn you in?

- Why should I be, you're an accomplice.

- My friend, you might have seriously hurt

that man back there.

- I might have, but I didn't.

Don't worry, he's up on his feet by now

banging on the door.

Well are you getting out or not?

- I gave you $15 for a ride to Los Angeles.

- OK but get that bike off of the back,

too conspicuous.

- Look, we'll be in L.A. in 20 minutes.

You'll be rid of me and the bike.

(Christmas music)

(go-go music)

- Hi, table for three?

- Uh-uh.

- Would you like to sit down?

- Get lost.

- You enjoying the show pal?

- Yeah.

- You guys are broke, go home and watch

a late, late movie on TV.

Now don't get cute sonny.

- We're just waiting for the show to get over with.

That's my sister up there.

The one in the middle.

- Hey!

Follow me.

(knocking)

- [Leo] Hey Joanie, got visitors.

- Screw you.

- [Buz] Come on Sis, open up the door.

- Buz, Buz!

I don't believe it!

Why didn't you tell me you were coming?

Oh, friends of yours?

- Yeah they're rolling through Caifornia with me.

This is Michele Casey, Critter Jones.

- Glad to meet you Miss Nichols.

- Hello Michele.

Oh, she's pretty.

Hello Critter.

- Hi Miss Nichols.

- Come in, come in!

Sit down, sit down.

Oh, you met Leo I guess.

- Well no, not officially.

- Oh, well I want you all to meet

my one and only, Leo McCabe.

He owns the place.

Well, now that we've got the greetings

settled brother, tell me what are you doing

out here on the coast?

Did you finally get in some serious trouble?

- Are you kidding?

None of those good citizens are hip enough

to catch me.

- The fuzz may be numb where you

come from friend, but they're pretty well

with it on the Hollywood scene.

You give me.

- Give you what?

- You lay that gun on me, sweetheart.

- Buz, my god, are you carrying--

- Do it!

I'm not gonna count sonny.

Now.

- When do I get it back?

- You don't.

There are only a few people in this town

who pack these things.

And most of 'em are cops.

If you need some bread, I can help you.

But I don't like bad-mannered kids with guns.

Dig?

You, ah, come to my office and we'll talk OK?

Ciao.

- Don't let him bug ya Buz.

- Oh I'm not bugged, I, I just forgot

I was in someone else's ballpark for a moment.

- What about you Michele, you gonna be

moving on with Critter?

- Nah, she is with me.

- Oh.

- Joanie, I want to be a dancer.

- Sis you ought to see her dance.

She is just great and I told her

you're gonna help her get started.

- Thanks.

- Just try me, I'll work.

Really I will.

- Well, um,

we'll take a look at you tomorrow.

- Just an audition, that's all I ask.

- Oh, OK, we'll, ah, audition you tomorrow.

- Looks as though you folks pretty well

have your futures set.

I feel like the Lone Ranger riding off

looking after folks that are gonna live

happily ever after.

Well,

so long.

Thanks for the buggy ride.

- Any time yak boy.

- You sure she's with you?

- Critter?

Do you feel that you really have to go?

- Yes I do Michele.

- Will I ever see you again?

- I honestly don't know.

- Critter, earlier this afternoon,

when you and Buz made me choose between you,

it isn't that I don't like you.

I do.

It's just that I have to--

- I know, you have to dance.

- I almost envy you Michele.

I wish there was something that I cared

that much about.

If you had any sense you'd just keep

walking with me right down this hall.

- Are you asking me to go away with you?

- I don't think either one of us is ready for that.

All I'm trying to do is help you see.

This is no place for you.

- I guess I'm going to have to decide that for myself.

- Well I never was much for helping people.

Peace Corps proved that.

So, I guess I'll just go back

to minding my own business.

- Oh, no baby.

We're not going to a hoedown.

You want Leo to hire you as a dancer

or a dishwasher?

You're about the same size I am.

Let's get ya into these.

This is what you need to show off

what you've got baby.

- Attendant not seriously hurt.

Front page.

(clears throat)

- How do you like it?

- Beautiful.

One more time.

Let me help you.

- Thank you.

(go-go music)

- Well OK boys, you've had your fun.

Get on with the work.

- Sure thing, Leo.

- Mr. McCabe.

Yeah, I think she'll do.

Can you have her ready tonight?

- She'll be ready Leo.

- Good.

- Yeah!

Turn around.

- Well, well, my educated janitor.

Well you look half human with that beard gone.

- Don't let that fool ya.

- How ya doin?

Things going OK?

- I've only one complaint.

- What's that?

- That water's too hard to make a good bucket of suds.

- Really?

Look you remember what I offered you.

Any time you say, I can do much better for you.

Much.

Look, smart fella like you shouldn't

waste his time mopping floors.

- Hey, me honey.

Come on.

- Know anything about engines?

- Yup.

- Fool around over there and I'll check this place here.

- Hey Marty, is that him?

- Don't look up like that, pay attention,

fix that engine.

Nah, it's only a salesman.

Here comes Joey now, walking towards us.

Just act normal.

- Hey, little case of hard trouble Marty?

- Yeah.

- Aw, it's a bad scene man, wow.

- [Marty] Tell me.

- It's these carburetors.

You know I used to have a short just like this one.

Bad carburetors man.

You know if you get a grain of sand in there

pssh!

However, it might not be that.

You know you might be outta gas.

- Play it straight Joey, we can't stall around here

all day, huh?

- Hey come on, relax.

Live a little, live a little man.

What's the use in passing all this bread around

if you can't have a little fun?

Who's this cat?

- He's a new friend of yours.

His name's Buz.

- Crazy, crazy.

Like all careers

my career depends on good connections.

Where's the stuff?

- In the usual spot, right in front of you.

- Right by the battery.

- [Joey] My pockets hate you,

you and your battery acid.

- Put the grand down by the air pan

and get outta here, will ya, before we pick up heat.

- Hey man, I've been going around the block

for 20 minutes.

- Twenty minutes behind a school yard?

The way you look, they'll be busting you

for a deviate any second.

Come on, get outta here.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I have a special order for tomorrow morning.

- I thought we were only supposed

to hit this spot once a week.

- And that's all we're gonna hit it.

- Somebody better be here tomorrow.

Or else you ain't gonna be making

any more deliveries in this neighborhood, baby.

- That's exactly what I mean!

That's what these cretins pay for.

Ya got the movement, let's hear it with music.

- I'll see you in Leo's office in a minute, OK?

Well, well.

- Ah, my faithful traveling companion.

- See you've been promoted from yak boy

to mop boy, huh?

- How's your new job?

You have a chance to murder anybody yet?

- You stay away from Michele.

Now look, you're not fooling anyone.

You've still got your eye on her.

- I admit, I like Michele a lot.

Buz do you honestly think she'll ever be your girl?

- I'm warning you, because I won't leave

nothing but the pieces.

- Buz.

You know you're like a blind rattlesnake.

You hear a noise and you strike.

You should try staying calm.

Then you could think and observe.

If you did that, you'd know I'm no threat

to your love life.

- You're about as gutless as this bike of yours.

- What a blast.

Joanie how did I do?

I don't think I goofed a single step, did I?

- No, no babe, not a goof in the carload.

- Thank you for putting me at the end of the line.

- That isn't your spot.

I just put you there in case they noticed

you made a goof or something.

But that spot belongs to one of the other girls.

- Well you just leave her there.

OK?

- Thank you.

You don't think it'll make anyone mad do you?

- So, let 'em find another joint.

Here.

Put this on and come out front with me.

I want you to meet some of the customers.

Sport your business.

And that's for tomorrow night.

I want you to dance in Joanie's place.

Oh she needs a day off.

Besides she's tired.

- You know, I'm almost out of pills

from the holiday.

(inaudible)

- Oh, by the way.

I'm having a party later.

I'd like you there, OK?

- Sure.

- Great.

- Yeah Leo.

- You know what we talked about.

- What?

- Joey's special delivery.

- Oh yeah.

- Well I want you to make that delivery

by yourself.

- Sure.

- By the way, Marty tells me your car is hot.

Is that right?

It's hot, get rid of it.

- Get rid of it?

- Dump it.

Get outta here.

Get outta here.

You really look great in that dress.

- Thank you.

- Your glass is empty.

Cheers.

I bet you move pretty good, eh?

Why don't you show me what you can really do.

Come on, groove baby.

- Well, well.

Glad to see somebody made it.

Ya know I hate doing business with

leery people like Marty, you know what I mean?

That type will get popped.

Where's the junk?

Relax, live a little bit.

I mean, what's the use passing all this bread

if we can't have fun, right baby?

- You know for a new cat, you're sure learning fast.

- The money first, huh?

- What's the matter, don't ya trust me Buzzy?

- I wouldn't trust you with a care package.

Hey Joey.

Why don't you look at the tire, huh?

- OK.

OK, see ya next Friday Buzzy.

Second and Main, huh, don't forget 2pm.

- OK baby.

- See ya later Buzzy, see ya.

- Hey man, hold it.

Who's that?

- I don't know, but I like it.

- Hi.

- Hello.

- I was just listening in, what's the name of that tune?

- Doesn't really have a name yet.

I been thinking about calling it

"Do You Want to Laugh or Cry."

- Oh it's one of yours?

I like it, it has a good sound.

Oh I'm Chris Holland.

- Critter Jones.

- You have this thing written down?

- Just the words.

Never dreamed anyone else would wanna play it.

- Well why don't you come out front.

Let's give it to the guys.

I'd like to see what they could do with it, OK?

- Sure.

- [Chris] You have any more of those?

- Yeah I got a bunch lying around.

♪ Do you want to

♪ laugh or cry

- If you gentlemen will excuse me.

- Oh you don't have to go yet baby.

- Yes I have to get changed for my next show.

- Don't be too long.

- No I won't.

- Promise you'll be right back?

- Oh yes.

May I come in?

- Sure.

Now I won't have to say goodbye to you in a note.

- Are you really leaving this time Critter?

- Yes.

If you take a good look around you, you would too.

Close the door.

Now sit down.

Leo deals in narcotics, LSD and you name it.

And Buz is up to here in it with him.

- So?

- I sold a couple of songs today for 100 bucks.

You can have half.

- Fifty dollars.

That's more than anyone else has offered me.

You don't even want me.

- Hey I'm not trying to be funny.

- I was afraid you weren't.

- Look Michele, you can't afford to get mixed up

with this bunch.

- Who says I have to get mixed up with anyone?

- Listen to me Michele.

The pigs of this world won't let you sit on the fence

above the mud and watch the action for very long.

You either run when they spot you

or they'll pull you down.

And then you'll have no choice.

Now I say they have us spotted

and it's time we find a new fence

to straddle for a while.

- Just ask me to go away with you and I will.

- Well what in the devil do you think I've been doing?

- I mean ask me because you want me.

Because you need me.

- It doesn't matter what I want or need.

- Critter, please tell me that you love me.

Then I'll go away with you.

We can get out of here together.

- Tell you a thing like that?

And then have you hate my guts

when you find out about me?

Uh-uh, not on your life baby.

- Find out about what?

- All right, you asked for it.

You think I'm just a college dropout

from the Peace Corps.

Well I'm much bigger than that.

Next week I'll be on the wanted list of the FBI.

Findley Jones, alias Critter Jones,

wanted for refusal to serve his country

in a time of a national emergency.

- Are you supposed to be in the army?

- Next week I'm supposed to be, only I won't.

- A draft dodger, you?

- I don't know.

All I know is that I've gotta find a hole to crawl into

so they can't find me.

That's the kind of man I am.

One that's gotta find a hole to crawl into.

- All right, you find your hole.

Me, I'm staying here.

Why should I leave?

Leo says I'm really going places.

Just because he deals in dope, that doesn't tarnish me.

- That's what you think baby.

Tarnish isn't a strong enough word

for what he'll do to you.

Try corrode for size.

Why don't you take a good look at Joanie.

She's been places with Leo, and there's

a trashy book written in every line on her face.

- Aren't you the great one?

Solving other people's problems.

♪ I love her lips

♪ The touch of her hand

♪ I love her eyes

♪ the way they shine

♪ Something inside me

♪ makes my heart low

♪ Could be the reason

♪ I miss her so

♪ Oh

♪ lonesome man

♪ Oh

♪ lonesome man

♪ I woo'd many others

♪ Always to find

♪ I have a feeling

♪ I'm wasting my time

♪ Kissing their lips

♪ is just like some wine

♪ I remember

♪ all of those times

♪ Oh

♪ lonesome man

♪ Oh

♪ lonesome man

♪ I told her I loved

♪ and needed her so

♪ She smiled and said

♪ this love would grow

♪ Lied, she lied,

♪ deceived me so

♪ Now my heart

♪ is feeling so low

♪ Oh

♪ lonesome man

♪ Oh

♪ lonesome man

(knocking)

- Yeah.

- Can we come in?

- Yeah.

Well mister if you're a cop I want you to know

I'm not responsible for this punk in any way.

It just so happens he's the brother

of one of my dancers.

He blew in last night from back east.

- A cop, heaven forbid.

No, I'm no cop.

However, I am associated with the police.

Rather closely associated.

- He is kinda nutty Leo but

he's got one beautiful scam, now,

you better listen what he has to say, huh?

- Since when did you start telling me

what I should hear?

What do you want?

- Well, ya see,

one of my best friends is a hop head.

- You have my sympathy.

- Oh there's no need for concern.

He's well fed by a sort of a foster mother

named Joey.

- Never heard of him.

- It's just as well.

I'm sure that you prefer a higher degree

of intelligence in your employees,

and Joey isn't very bright.

He proved that by not listening to my story.

- Well he sounds very smart to me.

- Poor Joey is also not very careful.

When he refused to listen, it became

necessary for me to follow him

and speak to his connection.

A young man with far more on the ball.

You might find it expedient to promote him.

- Oh really?

- Of course, this is no surprise to me.

Connections should always be smarter

than the pusher.

If he weren't then he would be the pusher,

the pusher would be he.

- Leo, Leo look.

He told me he's a trustee at the Eastwood

County Jail about 40 miles from here.

- And I've been a guest there on other occasions.

- Yeah, yeah.

Now he says the narcotics squad out there

made a big hit last weekend.

Leo, he picked up over a $100,000 worth of stuff.

- They keep it in an empty cell at the jail,

locked of course.

Now that's where I enter the picture once more.

- I suppose you got the keys?

- Fella, I'd never steal anything as worthless as a key.

Your desk locked?

- Yeah, why?

- Excuse me.

- What are you doing?

- Sir I'm going to give you a $100,000

demonstration in 10 seconds.

Now that cell door is much easier.

That's all that stands between you

and $65,000.

- And you only want a third.

- Well I've been thinking of retiring.

My wants are quite simple really.

Tonight I shall get good and drunk.

Break a show window if necessary.

Tomorrow I'll be at Eastwood County Jail

as their No. 1 trustee.

I need only one brave man.

- I think I know you, what's your name?

- The boy'll do.

Even if he does think I'm nutty.

- What's your name?

- Blatz.

Harry Blatz.

- Excuse me Mr. Blatz while I have a talk

with this bright young man.

You stupid punk, I oughta kick your face in.

Do you know who Harry Blatz is?

- No, he said he's not a cop.

- Well he might as well be.

He spends half his time in jail, he's a drunk.

And he's got a big mouth.

And he hasn't seen more than 1,000 bucks

in one spot in his life.

And you bring him to me like a long-lost brother.

And he thinks you're smart.

Well that alone proves how smart he is.

- Hey how was I supposed to know that?

Listen, besides, I think he's got a good plan.

- Yeah, that's true.

The cops did make that raid.

- [Buz] Should we get it?

- I don't know.

I still oughta smash your face in.

I don't know.

You tell me, can you get it?

- You mean I can go with Harry?

- If you can get back here with the stuff

without the cops, yeah.

But if you bungle it, remember,

I won't know you.

Now where's my money?

- Yeah the boss tried to take him home

but he grabbed one of their flashlights

and threw it through a plate glass window.

Well if he wants to live off the county,

he can go to the welfare department.

The judge'll probably give him 10 days this time.

I'm gonna work his tail off all the time.

OK, bye.

All right Harry, let's get some work done.

It's open Johnathon let's go to work.

(door buzzes)

- Here, this'll give you something to do

with those busy hands.

- OK, what do we do now?

- Just follow me and act as if you lived here.

(door buzzes)

- Morning Otis.

- Harry I thought you got out.

- Well I have returned.

- You oughta lay off that stuff.

Man when I get outta here I don't wanna

ever see the inside of this place again.

- Otis say hello to Buz.

- Buz, what ya in for?

- Oh his wife claims that he beat her up.

- Yeah, ya know how broads are.

- No tell me, I've been here 18 months.

- Well enough of the chit-chat boys.

We'd best get on with our duties.

I don't want to be responsible

for you going on bread and water

on your very first day.

- What are you trying to do?

- Merely establish a witness

in case I should ever find need of one.

- Well I don't like it.

- There's nothing to be concerned about.

He has no way to finger you

without my help.

You see, I've been planning my retirement

for some time.

Let's go.

- Well open it up.

Come on.

You get it.

- Don't worry, all my little precautions

have now been taken.

From here on, it's as easy

as falling off the proverbial log.

Take the satchels,

put them into the wastebasket,

you carry them to your car and drive away.

And I won't mind sitting gold.

Because I know that there is now

only one way to keep you from

landing my share.

(door buzzes)

- You may think this success with Leo

and all the kooks in this joint

mean you got the world by the tail.

But that ain't the case, baby.

It's got you by the tail.

You, you wouldn't believe it but I came

to this town four years ago.

And I was just as young and as fresh

as you are right now.

And see this hand?

It was as steady as a rock.

And I had a pretty mind.

I had a pretty mind.

Oh god

I wish I had that pretty mind back.

- Don't!

Don't, help!

Help me please!

Help!

- Michele get that junk off the couch

- What happened?

- [Michele] I don't know she just fainted.

- [Critter] I'm sure you know what's wrong with her Leo.

- Well knowing Joanie, I can imagine Critter.

She's probably on a bad trip from those

pills she takes.

- She did take one not long before she fainted.

- One?

Not the first time this has happened.

It's become a habit with her.

- Somebody better call a doctor.

- Nobody's calling a doctor.

She'll survive the way she always does.

Ya know, maybe it's too bad she will survive.

She used to be a good dancer.

She still is but she's losing her spark.

Besides, she's old hat with the customers.

Michele,

you may be the luckiest girl in Hollywood.

You've got what it takes to really blow their minds.

And those and more to boot.

So starting tonight,

you'll replace Joanie permanently.

And you'll be the No. 1 attraction here.

- I couldn't do that to Joan.

- I bet you can.

And if it'll ease your conscience, honey

let me tell you she wouldn't bat an eye

stomping on you.

And if you don't take her place

somebody else will.

All this means an apartment like Joan's.

A car, a wardrobe,

a name up in lights.

Believe me baby, there ain't nothing

like the sound of people clapping for ya

night after night.

- Yeah.

Look what it's done for me.

Get out of here.

Get out of here!

Get out, get out!

- Who do you think you're talking to?

- I'm talking to you!

- It's you who's getting outta here,

you're getting outta here!

- I've already left here!

- You shut up!

You shut up you trashy bitch!

Get outta here!

- You pig!

You rotten pig!

Get out!

Get outta here, get out!

- Leo, got the stuff right here.

Everything went off great, just great.

And old Harry Blatz retired earlier

than he planned to.

- Shut up.

- Old Harry, just who is this Harry Blatz?

- How do you know the name Harry Blatz Critter?

- Look what you guys do is no business of mine.

You're playing a game I don't know.

And one I don't want to know.

So if you don't mind, I'll just take my leave.

Come on Michele, you're going with me.

- It's a little late for that decision friend.

You are involved.

You're not going anyplace.

Get in here.

- Just like I said Michele

the pigs have finally pulled us down.

- Sit down.

- Critter stop, you're killing him!

Critter!

- OK.

OK you've made your point.

Now take your girl and get outta here.

- Uh-uh.

The muck's too deep in here.

Operator, give me the police department.

(upbeat music)