All language subtitles for Abbott Elementary s02e07 Attack Ad.eng

Green light.

Red light.

Gregory.
There you are, my guy.

Hey, did you hear
this whole thing about Chris

in Ms. Williams' class,
his mom?

Green light.
The lady with the lip ring?

Yeah, she got arrested.

What?! Red light.

-Go on.
-Oh, this is bonkers.

Arrested for what?

Mm. Protesting
workplace conditions.

Oh. Green light.

No, no, no, no.
It gets good.

It was at that strip club,
Virgo's.

Red light.

Well, technically,
just outside the strip club.

Yellow light.

Red light.

The cops throw her
in the back of the car.

One of them was her cousin, though,

so I think
they just drove her home.

Both: Green light.

[ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]

♪

Eight-year anniversary.

It's Medieval Times.

He wouldn't stop speaking
in a British accent.

Freed all the knights' horses,

which caused
a little traffic thing, so...

Tariq is in town, so I asked him

to grab the rest of his stuff.

I decided that when
your relationship is 100% over,

your ex shouldn't be keeping,

like, 90% of his things
at your place.

His Pokémon plush toy, Charmeleon.

He said it was the only thing
that understood him.

"Dragon Ball Z," "Gundam"
figures, "Attack on Titan."

A lot of anime.

Wait, I think the last one
was manga?

He would always get sad
when I confused the two.

It's all gotta go.

Good morning.

Ooh, I love that jacket.

That's so cute. Love it.

Hey, no running in there!

Please have a seat.

Mm. Yellin' at 'em.

Just like on TV.

Hey.

'Sup, lower case?

Oh, Khalil.

He's doing great.

Kid's got his seven multiples
down now.

Try not to take him on
a field trip to the casino.

Okay.

Thank you.

And I thank you, Joshua.

Hey, keep your head up,
Mr. C.

We know
you're trying your best.

Excuse me?

I saw the commercial
about the school on Hulu

when I was watching
"One-Punch Man."

Oh. Great show.

I love that he can defeat
anyone with just one punch,

yet when tasked
with the mundane, he--

Wait, what commercial?

Uh... ooh.

There is a commercial running
saying how bad Abbott is,

and we are all in it.

Jacob, we're munching
on our lunches.

Wait, a commercial?

That's why that parent said
something about me on TV.

Was there a bit
about me gambling?

'Cause a parent said something

that almost triggered
my fight-or-fight response.

Mm, you mean
fight or flight.

No. I'm not a flippin' bird,
Gregory.

There's a commercial
with all of us.

Turn on the TV!Yeah.

Katrina: So, come on down
to Katrina's Braid Emporium.

Nigerian braids,
American prices.

Located at-- There has to be a better way.

Y'all not gonna believe this,
but I was watching "Gourders,"

that show about
pumpkin hoarders,

and a commercial about Abbott
came on. It's bad.

I had to watch two more episodes
-before it played again. -Oh.

[ Dramatic music plays]

Woman: Philadelphia students

deserve to have
a quality education.

It's impossible
for these students to succeed

because traditional
public schools are failing.

♪

They don't need teachers
with shady backgrounds.

Feels light.

Alright, which one of youse
is holding out on me?

Shouldn't our children be
allowed to express themselves?

Please stop dancing.

They don't need teachers
that belittle their culture.

Good job, dawg!

Arf! Arf!

Don't our children deserve
teachers they respect?

Alaya.

[ Distorted voice]
Sit down.

If you have any respect for
yourself or your neighborhood,

you'll support
Legendary Charter Schools,

developed solely for
your neighborhoods.

Charter schools are
how we can get good teachers

the support they need.

Barbara: Yeah!

♪ Legendary Schools♪

Is this a diss track?
Let me get in the booth.

I don't even sound like that, dawg.

This buffoonery
will not stand.

How did they even get
this footage?

- Yeah.
- A camera crew came in.

I thought
it was one of them.

Oh, like y'all can tell
these moderately attractive

white men with beards apart.

What's even under there?

See, this is why I never
trusted any of youse.

Now, get the cameras
out of my face

before I give you
a colonoscopy with it.

We need to get this commercial
taken down.

Yes.

And just so
you parents know,

any commercials you may have
seen are not true.

This is an excellent school,
and your children are learning.

- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, it is right.

But, like...

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

Hey, girl, hey!

So, I started watching that show
about couponing savants.

Uh-huh.

Couldn't get into it. Oh.

You truly do have the taste of
a middle-aged Midwestern mama.

Well, thank you, Erika.
[ Laughs ]

Oh, what are you doing
tomorrow?

I found a new paint-and-sip,
but this one got hookah.

Oh!
Oh, but I can't.

Tariq is coming by my place
to pick up his stuff tomorrow.

Girl.
"Girl"?

You can't have that man
come to your crib.

Why not?
We're broken up.

It's history. Exactly.

Too much history there.

Listen, you need to meet him
someplace neutral and unsexy.

-Okay.
-Like, um, a school parking lot.

-Mm.
-Or like a cheesesteak spot.

Well, he finds shaved meat sexy,
so parking lot it is.

-Let me know how it go.
-Okay.

[ Both laugh ]

Gregory: I got surprises.
I can do surprises.

[ Amber laughs ]

Psst! I think we might
just be able to nip

this commercial in the bud.

Melissa called in a favor.

And now you've made me
an accessory.

She's got a friend
who's a lawyer.

Oh, fun.

Okay.
Yeah.

- Mr. F.A.D.E.!
- Aw, yeah.

[ Students cheer ]

Wassup, my little
No Limit Solders?

How y'all doing?
Yeah.

Hey, Tariq.

What are you doing
in here?

I told you to come at noon
and to wait in the parking lot.

I know, but these are
my day ones.

Had to come say "what's up"
to the little studious homies.

Ms. Teagues,
can we show Mr. F.A.D.E.

the new sight words we know?

-Ooh. Yes, yes.
-Students: Yeah!

Ooh, pwease,
Ms. Teagues?

Pwease?

I love your skirt,
by the way.

Makes me want to play
"Candy Land."

Oh. Thank you.

I knew it was giving
Princess Lolly.

You're doing it.
You're doing it.

Look, I have to teach,

but I guess you can stay
for a little while.

I'm chilling. Okay.

Alright. Tell me about
these on-sight words, y'all.

What, they trying to catch
these hands or something?

[ Laughter ]

I did worry it might be awkward,

but I don't think
it's actually possible

to be awkward around Tariq.

-No, it's good.
-Good news, too, so...

- Yeah.
- I'm-- I'm super-hype.

-Me too.
-Oh, I hate to be the perpetual resident

of Buzzkill, Pennsylvania,

but, uh, we are meeting
with the lawyer any minute--

I am the lawyer.

Oh.

Of course you are.

I knew that.

"Erin Brockovich" is, like,
my favorite movie.

This is Candace.
She's a friend of my family,

and she's a beast
in the courtroom.

Candace is the reason
why Martha Stewart

had a window in her cell.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Melissa briefed me
on what's going on,

and it sounds like you have
a strong enough case

to sue these chumps
for all they're worth.

Yes. I knew this principal thing
would work out for me one day.

Now, how much money
are we talking?

Like, a foldable stack?

To be clear, this camera crew
trespassed, right?

Well, actually,
I let them in.

Okay, but they used
your likeness without consent.

Yeah, well,
we did sign these.

Um... but they misrepresented
what they were doing?

Well, they did say they were
coming to get footage of us,

-which they did.
-Yeah.

Okay, so, uh,
what I'm seeing here is,

you guys just failed
to pay attention

to what was happening.

You have
absolutely no case,

and, in fact,
according to this,

you might each owe
Legendary Charters,

yeah,
$200 for crew fees.

- For what?
- Candace!

I don't--Melissa: Let them try
to get the money.

Wait, so you are saying that
we're just gonna have

to see this commercial forever,

and there's no way
we can get it off the air?

You could pay for Hulu
without commercials.

- D--
- Mm-hmm.

Aw, yeah.

My dawg.

Thanks for giving me
some of that good TP.

Mm.

You know, we can't get this
in New York.

You look good, by the way.

Oh.

Thank you.
You look good, too.

I mean, glad to hear
you're killing it up there,

selling out
those school auditoriums.

I mean, that's the dream.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.

I mean, keep it on the down low,
but, uh, I'm in talks to play

Nick Cannon's
next baby shower.

'Kay.

Uh, alright.

Well, um, glad it's all
finally happening for you.

Yeah.

Alright, well, I should
probably get back to class.

Or-- Or we could continue this
conversation at Bahama Breeze.

Old time's sake?

[ Clicks tongue ]

Janine: It's just dinner.

I was gonna have dinner anyway.

But now it's with someone
I used to date for a decade.

So, I'm just a single girl
having dinner

with the only person I've ever
had a sexual relationship with.

[ Door opens ]

I did it.

I found the dirty rat in charge
of Legendary Charters.

Melissa Schemmenti
comes through again.

How'd you do it?

Oh, I've got my ways.

I Googled it.

But I like to maintain
that air of dark mystery.

Scumbag's name
is Draemond Winding.

He's a real piece of work.

He's a big name
in New York charter schools.

Now he's got his sights
set on Philly.

Well, what's our next move?
How do we get to this guy?

- Find his grandma.
- Find his mother's mother.

I say we just let this thing
wind itself down.

Not the first time anyone's said
anything bad about Abbott,

and it certainly
won't be the last.

What's with the change
in tune?

[ Chuckles ]
The more we fight this,

the more attention
we bring to the commercial.

Okay, but this is personal.

They called us bad teachers.

Yeah, uh, not all of us.

Some of us came off looking
pretty good in that commercial.

That is not
what this is about.

Then what's it about...
Barb?

I do not agree with anything
in that commercial.

I just think that we need
to find a different way

to get what we want.

If-- If we stoop
to their level,

we're no better
than they are.

They go low, we go high.

Yeah.
Eyes, nose, throat.

No.

Ayo, talent manager,

what you doing hanging out
with that dirt?

Oh, nothing. I just like
coming out to the garden.

I don't ever touch it or do
anything to make it better.

You're a weird dude.

That's cool.

And, um,
what are you doing here?

Oh, you know, I'm just picking
some stuff up.

Then I'm going
to din din

with 'Neen 'Neen
for some nom noms.

[ Clicking tongue ]

-Y'all are going to dinner?
-Yeah, yeah.

You know, we're gonna see
how it goes,

but maybe afterwards
go to a Redbox,

take it back to her place,
you know?

You know what her favorite
movie is, by the way?

You don't know what
Janine's favorite movie is?

I think it was "Up."

Maybe it was "Us."

Something with an "uh" sound
somewhere in there.

I've been taking
these new brain pills

that got nootropics
in them.

They clearly
"noot" working.

I said, "They 'noot' working."Yeah, I heard you.

-I heard you. Yeah, I heard you.
-Okay. Okay.

And that's why we're "Ghana"
learn about Africa next wee--[ Door opens ]

Joshua Richardson,
pack your things.

Your transfer to Addington
has been approved.

Joshua, how could you?

I didn't.
My mom did, you dork.

Damn. Oh.[ Students gasp ]

I'm leaving.

I can talk how I want now.

My God. That commercial's
got these kids

transferring
left and right.

You know how much paperwork
goes into a transfer?

I've signed my name,
like, six times today.

And, what, they just want me
to know the date?

We gotta put a stop
to this.

Parents are calling me names.

A couple of them said that
I look like somebody

who I definitely do not.

Deuces, Squidward.[ Snorts ]

Uh, alright, buddy, I will, uh,
catch you on the flip.

See y'all broke bois later.

Okay.

♪ Legendary Schools

Um...
[ Pops mouth ]

[ Dramatic music plays]

If you have any respect
for yourself

or your neighborhood...

you'll support... Ugh!

...Legendary Charter Schools--

I cannot escape
that commercial.

-It's like T-Pain in '08.
-You know what?

Barb doesn't want to help, fine.

We have the name and number
of Legendary Charters' CEO.

I say
we just give him a call.

E-mails may be Janine's thing,
but phone calls are mine.

He's CEO of a company.

He's not gonna just answer
an unknown phone call,

Scrappy-Doo.

Well, then I will leave
a voicemail for the ages.

Someone picked up.
Hello?

I'd like to speak to Draemond.

[ Whispering ] It's him.

What kind of weirdo
answers a random number?

Well, this is Jacob Hill,

history teacher
over at Abbott Elementary.

Heard of it?

Whenever you want to stop hiding
behind your little commercial

and come down here--

Oh, you will come down here?

You've got an opening
this afternoon?

Well, I don't have my schedule
in front of me,

but, um, yeah,
that could work.

Yes.
No, I've never considered voice acting.

Oh, mezzo-soprano, actually,
but that was ages ago.

Yeah, maybe I will.
[ Chuckles ]

Mm-hmm.

Okay, buh-bye.

What'd he say?

That I remind him of
a seasoned Timothée Chalamet.

About the commercial, dummy.

Uh, he's coming to Abbott.

He wants to talk.

And he sounds handsome.

Oh. A twist.

See you tomorrow.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Ah,
that's still straight.

Yeah.

Yup.

So, what's up?

Uh,
I ran into Tariq outside. Mm.

He said you guys
are going out tonight.

Oh, yeah.
It's just gonna be

a little catch-up sesh
over dinner.

Well, he may think it's
a little bit more than dinner.

You sure
it's a good idea?

I'm sure, and you don't really
have to worry about it,

'cause it's kind of
none of your business.

S--

Just looking out
for a friend.

Yeah, no.
Thanks, friend.

When is
this guy getting here?

I am losing my nerve.

And you're getting
on mine.

[ Door opens ]

Draemond: Ava Coleman.

Draemond Winding.

Pleasure to meet you.

Got him. [ Laughs ]

Principal Ava Coleman.

And of course it is.

Melissa: I'm surprised
you were able to make the time.

Shouldn't you be off somewhere
shutting down an orphanage?

You must be
Melissa Schemmenti.

Who the hell you think you are,
knowing my name?

[ Clears throat ] And, uh, I,
of course, am Jacob Hill.

We spoke on the phone.

Remember?

Chalamet?

Your commercial was
all wrong, okay?

And very disrespectful
of our school.

30 years, and this place
still smells exactly the same.

What's that supposed
to mean?

Oh, did I forget
to mention?

I, uh-- I was a student
here at Abbott.

Wait,
you went to Abbott?

I did.

There she is.

The greatest teacher
I ever had.

Mrs. Howard.

Been far too long.

Oh.

Barb, you taught
that doorknob?

You just a secret Sith, huh?

Draemond was in
my very first class.

Oh, such a beautiful child.

He was going through
a lot at home.

He was so young,
and he already felt like

the world had turned
its back on him.

I couldn't let him
feel that way.

Well, he a grown-ass man
wearing Florsheims now,

so you need to recognize.

Y--
And he's trying to bring down Abbott.

Damn.[ Door opens, closes ]

Oh, I'm just waiting
on 'Neen.

Did you pick those flowers
out of my garden?

No?

With a cohesive vision
and some direction,

you can even turn
a place like this around.

That's what we do
at Legendary Schools.

Student:
♪ Legendary Schools

Look at that. See?

I'd be willing to bet Abbott
Elementary's never even thought

about something
like branding, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cut the crap.

You use kids
in your attack ads.

How much you really care
about them?

We just aired what we shot.

You didn't make it tough
on us.

Look, the conditions
of this place are abysmal.

Not to mention you have
a principal who knows more about

the cast of "Love Island"
than she does her own students.

Hey! Just as much.

Look, the fact that you've been
able to retain a talent

like Barbara Howard
this long's a miracle.

She's honestly
the only teacher

that still qualifies
this place as a school.

- Hey.
- Enough!

My classroom now,
Draemond!

I'm coming.

I actually haven't been back
to Bahama Breeze

since Tariq and I broke up,
so-- I don't know--

I think it'll be nice
to shoot the breeze

at the Breeze again,
as Tariq would say.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, God.
Why use permanent marker, Tariq?

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

[ Sighs ]

Tariq: Yo, 'Neen, turns out
my ride isn't coming,

so just like old times,

I'mma need you
to gas up the Coroll-ie,

'cause we setting sail
for the Breezy.

Choo-choo!
[ Laughs]

Also, I owe you
half a sandwich.

Wh--

Sometimes,
it's nice to be reminded

you made the right decision.

My sandwich is half-eaten,

but my cup is half-full.

This is wild.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, I remember spending
plenty of time in this corner

when I'd get in trouble.

Oh, you had
your good moments, too.

[ Chuckles ]

Draemond,
nothing makes me happier

than seeing
my students succeed,

and you have surpassed
every expectation.

You know, when I left
your class,

I bounced around public schools,
totally lost.

I ended up at a charter,
and they gave me

a fighting chance
to become the man I am today.

But you can't blame everything
that was going on in your life

at that time
on all public schools.

Can't you see?

I'm trying to make
schools better

for the Barbara Howards
of the world.

Draemond, what you are doing
hurts teachers like me.

You're still teaching me, huh?

[ Door opens ]
Yo.

Hey.
You ready to go? I'm starving.

I've been thinking about
that Jamaican Jerk Shrimp Pineapple Bowl all day.

[ Chuckles ]
Booyaka!

[ Chuckles ]
All I had to eat today

was half that sandwich, so...

You know what?

I have had a long day, Tariq,

so I think I'm just
gonna hang at home.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

We can just
get the food to go

and then go hang
at our pl-- your place.

Maybe we can, uh,
watch your favorite movie.

You know, the one with...

ol' boy.

Yeah, no, I don't think
that's a good idea.

Tariq, I think it's best
if we have a platonic,

non-meal-sharing
relationship.

Yeah.
Right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's cool, 'Neen.
That's cool.

I'll just have my girlfriend
take me.

Your what?
Girlfriend.

Third woman
I've ever been with.

Might as well be the fourth
with the things we be doing.

You know
-what I'm talking about? -I don't.

Hey, baby.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dinner with my ex
got canceled, so, uh,

I'm free
to hang out with you now.

[ Laughs ]
Okay, boo-boo.

Yeah. [ Laughs ]
Buh-bye.

Guess you're not going out
with him, then?

No. No.

I'm probably gonna just go home
and watch a movie.

"Jumanji"?

It is my favorite.

See you in the morning, Gregory.

[ Door opens ]

Draemond and I had
a little chat.

He'll be taking
the commercial down.

- Oh!
- Yes! Yes!

Only Barb can still school
her kids after all this time.

But I will say that
that commercial

did catch my good side,

and I hope Jim Gardner caught it
before it came down.

[ Laughter ]
Barb.

Okay, fam.

Come on.

Barbara doesn't see that
I'm trying to help her,

but that's okay.

The visit has inspired me.

The commercial is neither
here nor there,

because I'm gonna turn
every school in Philadelphia

into a Legendary Charter School.

Next up-- Abbott Elementary.

♪ Legendary Schools

Tell me that's not catchy.
You can't.

Oh, oh, yeah, the anti-drug
stuff's been going real good.

Shout-out to F.A.D.E.
for believing in your boy.

I just put out my album,
"METH-od to My Madness,"

on Reeq Reqords. Yup.

That thing went double mahogany.

Yeah.
It's on top of The Chartz,

which is a Spotify playlist
that I made.

Check that out.

Uh, what else?

Been hitting up a lot
of New York Liberty games,

trying to get on them
halftime shows, you know?

Them ladies tall...

which is my new type.

You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah.

Oh, recently just did this, uh,
commercial jingle, too.

♪ Legendary Schools

Yeah.

Came up with the melody myself.

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