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1
00:00:05,172 --> 00:00:08,425
Machiavelli! You've told me nothing
I don't already know!
2
00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:11,345
Sun Tzu's The Art of War.
3
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:15,307
Stewie, those books aren't
for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies.
4
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:19,311
How dare you! That book may hold the key
to my enslaving of all mankind.
5
00:00:19,770 --> 00:00:20,604
Fuzzy.
6
00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:23,440
Tickle.
7
00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:27,653
God. The more I resist, the more intriguing
they become! I can't look away!
8
00:00:27,903 --> 00:00:29,321
Again! Again!
9
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:32,908
Yes! Yes! Again! Again!
Dear God, please once more!
10
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,243
Sorry, Stewie.
11
00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:37,412
A&E Biography is doing the life
of the other guy from Wham.
12
00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:41,458
I'm free! Free from the spell
of those diabolical Teletubbies!
13
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:45,337
Thank you. When the world is mine,
your death shall be quick and painless.
14
00:00:46,004 --> 00:00:49,049
"It seems today that all you see
15
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:52,636
"is violence in movies and sex on TV
16
00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:56,056
"But where are those good,
old-fashioned values
17
00:00:56,515 --> 00:00:58,809
"on which we used to rely?
18
00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:02,563
"Lucky there's a family guy
19
00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:05,858
"Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell you
20
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,609
"all the things that make us
21
00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:09,278
"laugh 'n' cry
22
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:14,533
"He's a family guy"
23
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,037
Attention, please.
24
00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:22,958
Tomorrow is softball practice. We have
a lot of work to do for Saturday's game.
25
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:27,713
Don't forget how badly we were humiliated
last year by Pawtucket Joke and Novelties.
26
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:36,138
Look at those morons
and their stupid glasses.
27
00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:37,598
Oh, man. I hate those guys.
28
00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:41,393
More than I hate spinach, traffic jams,
and the last few years of M* A*S*H.
29
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,604
When Alan Alda took over
behind the camera...
30
00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,731
...and the show
got all dramatic and preachy?
31
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:47,274
Am I right? Who's with me?
32
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:50,777
This year we will defeat those Pranksters
with our secret weapon...
33
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,905
...Guillermo.
34
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,909
Bravo!
35
00:01:56,950 --> 00:02:00,579
I hired Guillermo because I believe
he'll be an asset to our company...
36
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,080
...on and off the field.
37
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,875
You have impeccable credentials.
38
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:08,170
I'm sure I can find a position
for you somewhere.
39
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,713
Back to work, people.
40
00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:13,383
Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for
a new line of TV action figures.
41
00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:17,179
Facts of Life Transformers, huh?
Watch the transformation.
42
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:18,931
Cute as a button...
43
00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,307
...fat as a cow...
44
00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:25,354
...radioactive scorpion.
Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair.
45
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,231
- I'll consider it.
- He'll consider it!
46
00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:31,443
I got another one where Natalie's one of
those spittin' lizards from Jurassic Park.
47
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:39,826
Pat, I would like to solve the puzzle.
"Go tuck yourself in. "
48
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:41,537
You got it.
49
00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:43,330
Well, you were close, Dad.
50
00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:46,917
Yeah. I still can't believe we missed
the phrase, "My hairy aunt. "
51
00:02:46,959 --> 00:02:49,336
Come on, Brian.
I gotta get to softball practice.
52
00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:52,923
Practice? I thought we'd go next door
and welcome our new neighbors.
53
00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:55,342
No. I don't want anything to do
with neighbors.
54
00:02:55,384 --> 00:02:58,512
Last guy who lived next door
borrowed my toaster. Never saw it again.
55
00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:02,432
If that slut wants full custody of the kids,
she's got it.
56
00:03:04,935 --> 00:03:07,145
Peter, they might be very nice people.
57
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,399
"Very nice people. "
Yeah, that's what they always say.
58
00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:13,652
Then you open up the septic tank and...
Skeleton city!
59
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:20,868
Pervert!
60
00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:24,288
Don't flatter yourself, honey.
I don't have any sweat glands.
61
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:27,457
Okay, time for batting practice,
my Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Boys.
62
00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:29,084
Guillermo, you're up.
63
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:33,088
Unfortunately Johnson isn't here
to pitch today. His wife is in labor.
64
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:35,966
Oh, what? Is the baby coming out of him?
Jeez, I'll pitch.
65
00:03:36,008 --> 00:03:40,179
I don't know what's more questionable,
your pitching arm or Bill Clinton's integrity.
66
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,388
Oh, how hard...
67
00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:48,061
Oh, how hard can it be to pitch?
68
00:03:53,025 --> 00:03:56,361
- Okay. Take your base.
- Somebody call 911.
69
00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:59,531
Tell them he is allergic to penicillin
and white zinfandel!
70
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:03,952
Idiot! If you don't find a ringer
to replace Guillermo, you're fired!
71
00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:07,915
Man. What'll I do if I get fired?
I'll have to go back to my old job...
72
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,416
...as a Calvin Klein model.
73
00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:11,502
I don't wanna be like everyone else.
74
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,504
But I don't want to be different.
75
00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,506
I just want to be.
76
00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:19,551
What was the name
of the bad guy from Tron?
77
00:04:20,636 --> 00:04:22,304
This is gonna drive me nuts!
78
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:25,140
Moving is never easy on a family.
79
00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:28,810
Well, we are gonna miss
the go-go-go pace of Providence.
80
00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:32,314
But with number two on the way,
Joe thought it was time to move.
81
00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:36,026
And I can't say no to Joe. Ever.
82
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:39,154
Quahog can be pretty exciting, too.
83
00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:41,615
Last week, someone lost an eye at Bingo.
84
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:44,076
L-17. Darn it.
85
00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:49,248
I haven't played Bingo in years!
86
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:53,544
Silence! Ever since you two met,
you've done nothing but wax idiotic!
87
00:04:53,585 --> 00:04:55,671
I must escape this infernal babble!
88
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,882
What a little explorer.
89
00:04:58,924 --> 00:05:01,009
Yes. He's so full of wonder.
90
00:05:01,385 --> 00:05:03,887
To be the Lindbergh baby right about now.
91
00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:08,433
Joe, you have to meet
our new neighbor, Lois Griffin.
92
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:11,436
It's a pleasure, Lois. Who's the little guy?
93
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:14,356
This is Stewie.
Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson.
94
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,191
You will bow to me.
95
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:22,114
Hi. I'm Meg. I live next door.
96
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:25,325
I know.
I've admired you in the garden from afar.
97
00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:27,619
- Will you go out with me?
- I'd love to.
98
00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:31,081
Oh, he's gay.
You wish!
99
00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:33,292
Get out of here, you mouth breather!
100
00:05:33,417 --> 00:05:34,877
I'm as good as fired.
101
00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:37,880
Where the hell am I gonna find a guy
as strong as Guillermo?
102
00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:41,967
One time I walked into the locker room,
I swear he was bench-pressing Mr. Weed.
103
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:45,387
Great. Lois is getting chummy
with the new neighbors.
104
00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:49,391
She wants you to meet them.
She's always making me be social.
105
00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:53,187
Cocktail parties, school functions,
that time we planted trees in Jerusalem.
106
00:05:53,812 --> 00:05:57,774
What? Look, all I'm saying is
put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy...
107
00:05:57,816 --> 00:05:59,610
...and I can't tell the difference.
108
00:05:59,735 --> 00:06:03,155
- You must be Peter. Joe Swanson.
- Yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you, Phil.
109
00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:06,074
You got a neighbor
on the other side of your house, too.
110
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:08,410
So, don't think you always have to bug me.
111
00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:11,788
I'll keep that in mind. Say, do you have
a screwdriver I can borrow?
112
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:14,958
Man, you neighbors are like viruses.
Starts with a screwdriver.
113
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,252
Before you know it,
you're using my supermarket...
114
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,379
...my dry cleaner, and even my postman.
115
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:23,175
Can you believe that guy?
"Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?"
116
00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:24,218
What an ass.
117
00:06:25,761 --> 00:06:29,806
- Did you find a replacement for the team?
- No. Believe me, I've been looking.
118
00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:32,309
Hideo-san would be honored to play
for your team.
119
00:06:32,351 --> 00:06:34,770
But he wishes to know
what compensation you offer.
120
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,940
Me love you long time.
121
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:40,984
Gosh, I'd like to help.
But I've gotta go out in the hall...
122
00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:42,945
...and chew on my ass for five minutes.
123
00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:46,198
Peter, I invited Joe and Bonnie
to your game on Saturday.
124
00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:48,534
Lois, I don't want those people there.
125
00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:52,204
See, this is why I ask you
to submit everything to me in writing first.
126
00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:56,166
Bonnie told me Joe is a big baseball fan.
He played in college.
127
00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:57,626
He did?
128
00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,461
Welcome to the neighborhood.
129
00:06:59,503 --> 00:07:00,420
Hiya, Joe.
130
00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:01,755
- Peter!
- Don't get up.
131
00:07:01,797 --> 00:07:04,633
This is a surprise.
I kinda thought you didn't like me.
132
00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:07,052
What? Because of what I said
this afternoon. No.
133
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:10,097
See I have that disease
where stuff pops out of your mouth.
134
00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:12,474
Go to hell! Whoops. See what I mean?
135
00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:14,434
I'm so sorry.
136
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:18,438
I thought maybe I crossed the line
when I asked to borrow a screwdriver.
137
00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:21,859
Are you kidding?
You can borrow whatever you want.
138
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:25,237
Great. Say, you don't happen
to have any picture wire, do you?
139
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,447
Picture wire? You son of a bitch.
140
00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:31,660
Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch!
There it goes again.
141
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,120
I don't want to impose.
142
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:36,248
No problem. That's what neighbors do.
You know what else they do?
143
00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:39,710
They play on their neighbor's company
softball team like this Saturday.
144
00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:41,920
What do you say, neighbor?
Sounds fun.
145
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:45,841
So much fun it should be illegal
like copyright infringement.
146
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,343
See you at the game, Joe.
147
00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:55,642
- Hey, you want a piece of gum?
- Thanks.
148
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,228
- That was joke gum.
- What do you mean?
149
00:07:58,353 --> 00:08:00,022
Now you're addicted to heroin.
150
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,109
I'm cold.
151
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,527
Hey, Peter!
152
00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:08,030
It's nice that your family is here.
153
00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:11,825
If your ringer doesn't arrive soon,
you can spend every day with them...
154
00:08:11,867 --> 00:08:12,910
...at home.
155
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:15,871
He'll be here, Mr. Weed.
You should see this guy in action.
156
00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:18,165
He can hit, he can throw...
Peter!
157
00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:20,375
What's he doing in a wheelchair?
158
00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:22,961
Holy crip, he's a crapple!
159
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:30,761
Peter, our new secret weapon
is this very attractive paraplegic?
160
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:34,306
Okay, Joe, you got me.
Rise and shine. Come on.
161
00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:38,644
- Stand and deliver. Get the hell up.
- You're a hoot, Peter.
162
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,479
- Play ball!
- Let's do it!
163
00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:43,857
I swear I didn't know.
Maybe they won't hit a lot of balls to him.
164
00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:45,526
I got shortstop.
165
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:48,487
The movers tracked grease
all over my carpet.
166
00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:51,782
- I tried everything to get the stain out.
- What about lemon juice?
167
00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:54,660
- What about club soda?
- What about shutting the hell up?
168
00:08:54,910 --> 00:08:56,787
Isn't baseball great?
169
00:08:57,913 --> 00:09:00,749
They say baseball's the national pastime.
170
00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:03,961
I can't taste salt.
171
00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:10,092
Crap! Don't hit it to Joe.
Please don't hit it to Joe!
172
00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:16,765
You're out!
173
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:20,561
All right, Joe!
Way to earn that parking space!
174
00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:22,604
All right!
Did you see that?
175
00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:24,606
That's my Joe!
What the deuce?
176
00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:26,984
Half man, half machine.
177
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:30,779
Why with that technology,
I could escape these wretched harridans!
178
00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:32,155
Go, cyborg!
179
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:40,038
It all rests on that man's broad,
rippling shoulders!
180
00:09:42,124 --> 00:09:43,876
All right, Joe! Run!
181
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,211
All right, Joe! Come on! Yeah!
182
00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:52,426
Hurry! Joe!
All right! Yes, vamos!
183
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:58,182
Let's hear it for Joe!
184
00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:00,809
Yeah, let's hear it for the guy
who found Joe!
185
00:10:01,685 --> 00:10:02,519
Okay.
186
00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:10,360
That's finger suckin' good, huh?
It's an old policemen's recipe.
187
00:10:10,402 --> 00:10:15,073
Eat up, everyone. Tonight my wife won't
be the only one enjoying a pig in a blanket.
188
00:10:15,908 --> 00:10:17,701
Joe, you're so funny.
189
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:20,704
They love that one down at the Precinct.
190
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:23,790
This sucks, Brian.
Joe is stealing my thunder.
191
00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:26,752
Hey, everybody! Time to limbo!
192
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:29,171
- Face it. He's the life of the party.
- Yeah?
193
00:10:29,213 --> 00:10:31,590
I'll show you who's the life of the party.
194
00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:34,718
Hey, look!
I fell in the pool with my clothes on!
195
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:39,181
How hilarious is that?
That is so Peter Griffin. Guys?
196
00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:40,933
Guys?
197
00:10:42,476 --> 00:10:44,978
That's my idea.
Peter, come here.
198
00:10:45,020 --> 00:10:46,688
Finally. A little recognition.
199
00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,774
Joe has the most wonderful idea.
200
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:52,319
Hey, I just suggested a line
of handi-capable toys, you know...
201
00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:55,822
...to show kids the fun side
of being physically challenged!
202
00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:59,535
That's what kids want to play with.
Yeah. A Beanie Baby in a bubble.
203
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:02,913
What about my idea? Come on!
Tootie morphs into a stink bug.
204
00:11:02,955 --> 00:11:06,208
Joe, you're exactly the kind of man
we need at our company.
205
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,919
Peter, make yourself useful.
Go get Joe a drink.
206
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,797
Jeez, first he takes my friends.
Then he takes my job.
207
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:13,549
But the way I wear my hat...
208
00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:16,510
No, no. He can't take that away from me.
209
00:11:16,802 --> 00:11:19,721
You! How came you
by this metal construct?
210
00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:23,809
- I demand to know who made you!
- Stewie, it's not polite to point.
211
00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:25,227
I'm so sorry.
212
00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:28,730
That's okay, Lois.
He's just curious about the chair.
213
00:11:28,772 --> 00:11:32,401
About 10 years ago I was investigating
a robbery at an orphanage.
214
00:11:32,651 --> 00:11:35,696
It was Christmas Eve
and some presents had been stolen.
215
00:11:45,247 --> 00:11:47,124
Reach for the sky, dirtbag!
216
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:50,961
All right, pal!
You've stolen your last Christmas.
217
00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:23,327
"You think you have won
You think all is well
218
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,914
"But kiss my green ass
I shall see you in hell!"
219
00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,216
Are you Timmy?
220
00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,219
Merry Christmas, Timmy.
221
00:12:42,638 --> 00:12:43,388
Enough!
222
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:46,767
If you won't share your technological
schemata with me peaceably...
223
00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:49,686
...I shall take the information
from you by force!
224
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:52,147
Wow. Looks like you have a fan.
225
00:12:52,189 --> 00:12:54,983
- Come on. Let's get out of here.
- Peter, you can't leave.
226
00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:56,735
Sorry, I promised the wife and kids I'd...
227
00:12:56,777 --> 00:13:00,948
...take them on a dream vacation
to Hawaii right now. Say aloha, kids.
228
00:13:01,031 --> 00:13:05,160
What are you talking about? We want to
hear more of Mr. Swanson's stories.
229
00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:07,371
He's cool, Dad. He killed a guy.
230
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:11,708
Well, technically he was killed by the state,
but funny story.
231
00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:14,962
He did curse my name
just before the injection.
232
00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:19,591
Peter, what's the matter with you?
233
00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:21,760
Why are you guys making such a big deal
over Joe?
234
00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:25,556
You don't admire wheelchair people.
You're supposed to feel sorry for them.
235
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,641
When did it become okay
to be handicapped?
236
00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:29,101
Don't talk like that!
237
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,937
He's a remarkable man
and the rest of your family adores him!
238
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:34,189
Fine. Then why don't you all marry him?
239
00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:37,276
And if he's so remarkable,
let's see him do this.
240
00:13:37,568 --> 00:13:41,738
Hey, look at me. I'm walking.
I'm a remarkable man.
241
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,078
Well, look who finally came home.
242
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:50,831
I thought you were gonna spend
all night at Joe's.
243
00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:53,625
I could've. That man has got magic fingers.
244
00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:56,295
He found this one spot behind my ear, I...
245
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,922
Forget about it.
I thought my leg was never gonna stop.
246
00:13:58,964 --> 00:14:00,090
I don't believe this.
247
00:14:00,174 --> 00:14:02,968
My whole family worships the ground
that guy can't walk on.
248
00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:06,930
It's not too hard to see why. He's a hero.
He makes the world a better place.
249
00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:08,932
I've done lots of things to help people.
250
00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:11,768
Remember the time I sang to the kids
at the Sunday school?
251
00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:13,061
Yes, you forgot the words.
252
00:14:13,187 --> 00:14:14,521
"Jesus loves me
253
00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:16,732
"He loves me a bunch
254
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:18,734
"Because He always puts Skippy
255
00:14:18,859 --> 00:14:20,444
"In my lunch"
256
00:14:21,445 --> 00:14:25,324
No. It's not the same thing.
Joe puts himself in real danger every day.
257
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,951
You're right. I'll never be that kind of hero.
258
00:14:28,452 --> 00:14:32,331
Unless I put myself in real danger, too!
For my family's sake!
259
00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:35,751
Why are the pretty ones
always so dumb?
260
00:14:47,846 --> 00:14:51,141
Gang shooting on
Third and Main. Three wounded, one dead.
261
00:14:51,183 --> 00:14:55,145
- Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?
- No. It's my new police scanner.
262
00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:58,106
This hero thing is gonna be easy
once I find the right crime.
263
00:14:58,148 --> 00:15:00,359
Domestic disturbance...
Boring!
264
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,860
Report of a stabbing in...
265
00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:06,573
All units! A major robbery
is in progress at Quahog Bank and Trust.
266
00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:08,700
Suspects are armed
and extremely dangerous.
267
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:11,328
- Perfect! Where's Lois and the kids?
- Over at Joe's.
268
00:15:11,370 --> 00:15:12,204
Well, go fetch 'em.
269
00:15:12,246 --> 00:15:15,916
They're about to see a real hero in action.
To the Batcave!
270
00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:27,511
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
271
00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:33,559
You thought Joe was something.
You ain't seen nothin' yet.
272
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,602
Peter, what's the big rush?
273
00:15:36,228 --> 00:15:37,771
All right, you guys wait right here.
274
00:15:37,813 --> 00:15:39,690
Daddy's gonna make a little withdrawal.
275
00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:43,068
Give Tammy a round of applause.
276
00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:46,446
This was her first robbery
and she was very brave.
277
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:49,700
Now before we go...
278
00:15:49,741 --> 00:15:51,159
No, don't go.
279
00:15:51,243 --> 00:15:52,661
Oh, princess, we have to.
280
00:15:52,703 --> 00:15:55,205
I hope you brought
your striped pajamas, boys.
281
00:15:55,247 --> 00:15:58,876
Because there's a five-year sleepover
at the big house. And you're invited.
282
00:15:58,917 --> 00:16:00,711
You'll never take us alive!
283
00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:04,506
Lois and the kids
should be in here to see this.
284
00:16:04,548 --> 00:16:06,175
Yes. It's going very well.
285
00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:09,761
Mom, what do you do when you like a boy
but he doesn't even notice you?
286
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,346
Meg loves Kevin.
287
00:16:11,430 --> 00:16:13,056
Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit!
288
00:16:13,098 --> 00:16:16,560
Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl.
He'll come around.
289
00:16:16,894 --> 00:16:18,270
Such a mom answer.
290
00:16:18,312 --> 00:16:22,816
Have you tried showing off the goods?
How's that for a mom answer?
291
00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:24,193
Creepy.
292
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:26,486
I saw some cute dresses down the street.
293
00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:29,781
If nothing else, it'll make you feel better.
Come on, you guys.
294
00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:32,659
If you want to be a hero,
now might be a good time.
295
00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:34,369
This isn't what I was expecting.
296
00:16:34,453 --> 00:16:36,538
I thought being a hero
would be all fun and games.
297
00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:43,420
Sorry, Wonder Woman.
I got three kings. Now let's see your pair.
298
00:16:45,297 --> 00:16:49,051
All right. Robin, what are you looking
at me for? Look at her.
299
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:51,887
Come on. Let's go.
300
00:16:51,929 --> 00:16:52,971
Oh, perfect.
301
00:16:53,263 --> 00:16:55,557
We got hostages!
Don't try anything funny!
302
00:16:56,058 --> 00:16:57,601
Don't worry, Brian. I got a plan.
303
00:16:57,726 --> 00:17:00,062
Good. I was afraid
you were just gonna improvise.
304
00:17:00,103 --> 00:17:03,148
Actually, I was gonna use
the little girl as a human shield...
305
00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:03,941
...and run like hell.
306
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:06,401
But improvise, that'll be easier on my back.
307
00:17:08,153 --> 00:17:12,449
Okay, in this improv, Tammy and
the short robber are husband and wife.
308
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,244
Okay. And where are we?
A bar!
309
00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:17,454
A pet store!
Guadalajara, Mexico!
310
00:17:17,496 --> 00:17:21,500
Okay, okay. I heard pet store.
And I'm the gruff but lovable owner.
311
00:17:21,542 --> 00:17:25,462
All right. Begin. Hello, married couple.
I see you found a puppy.
312
00:17:25,504 --> 00:17:27,047
Yeah. His name is Sparky.
313
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:31,093
Well, before you take Sparky home,
let me check him for worms.
314
00:17:32,928 --> 00:17:34,471
Okay, drop it!
315
00:17:37,349 --> 00:17:40,269
All right, you guys. Let's get out of here.
316
00:17:42,604 --> 00:17:43,730
All right, stand back!
317
00:17:43,772 --> 00:17:46,692
Whoa. Hang on. Sorry, no one can leave.
318
00:17:47,276 --> 00:17:50,904
Listen, the whole reason I saved
you guys today was so I could be a hero.
319
00:17:50,946 --> 00:17:55,951
This wheelchair guy moved in next door
and he can do all these great things and...
320
00:17:55,993 --> 00:17:58,954
Your family idolizes the lousy cripple
and not you?
321
00:17:58,996 --> 00:18:00,289
That's right! How'd you know?
322
00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:01,832
We've all been there.
323
00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:04,251
Cool! The bank is getting jacked!
324
00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:06,253
Officer, my husband's in there!
325
00:18:06,295 --> 00:18:08,881
- Can you tell me if he's okay?
- What's he look like?
326
00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:13,510
He's wearing a white-collared shirt,
kind of big, with glasses.
327
00:18:13,552 --> 00:18:15,179
I got him.
Oh, thank God.
328
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:16,805
- Take him out.
- No!
329
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:19,016
Hey, there's my family.
330
00:18:19,057 --> 00:18:20,809
I just want you to know I rob banks...
331
00:18:20,851 --> 00:18:23,645
...because a deaf man stole my job
at the phone company.
332
00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:26,815
So if anyone's gonna bust me,
I'm glad it's you.
333
00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:30,652
But... But I was gonna be a hero.
334
00:18:30,694 --> 00:18:32,154
Nobody's going anywhere!
335
00:18:34,198 --> 00:18:36,575
Joe, it's Peter! He's in trouble!
336
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:38,911
A failed robbery at
Quahog Bank and Trust...
337
00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:41,955
...has led to a terrifying hostage situation.
338
00:18:44,416 --> 00:18:46,293
That's right. A hostage situation.
339
00:18:46,335 --> 00:18:48,921
- I gotta go.
- I know.
340
00:18:49,671 --> 00:18:54,051
If we want the cops to take us seriously,
we have to waste a hostage. But who?
341
00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:56,762
- Excuse me. Shouldn't that be "whom"?
- Okay, you.
342
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:57,638
Crap!
343
00:18:57,721 --> 00:19:01,391
This is Police Lieutenant
Joe Swanson. I know we can work this out.
344
00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:04,895
Not him again. I hope this place
isn't wheelchair accessible.
345
00:19:04,937 --> 00:19:06,271
Bonnie, it's Peter.
346
00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:08,815
Don't worry.
Joe's an excellent negotiator.
347
00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:12,528
I was a virgin when we met.
It took him three hours.
348
00:19:14,613 --> 00:19:17,115
I can't believe my dad is in there.
349
00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:20,536
This'll probably scar me
for the rest of my life.
350
00:19:21,954 --> 00:19:23,789
I got a new dress.
351
00:19:23,831 --> 00:19:25,624
Try talking about him.
352
00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:28,585
So do you like music?
353
00:19:28,627 --> 00:19:30,879
Yeah! I played guitar
in a band before we moved.
354
00:19:30,921 --> 00:19:33,632
But it interfered with my studies.
What do you listen to?
355
00:19:33,757 --> 00:19:34,800
You first.
356
00:19:34,967 --> 00:19:36,969
I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur.
357
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:39,221
My parents don't like me
listening to that stuff.
358
00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:42,099
But I do anyway because I am not a robot!
359
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:44,852
I also like Radiohead.
360
00:19:44,893 --> 00:19:48,230
And even though society has turned
its back on you...
361
00:19:48,397 --> 00:19:50,983
...I promise you there are people who care.
362
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:53,318
And you know what? I'm one of them.
363
00:19:53,527 --> 00:19:54,695
He sure gets it.
364
00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:56,822
Maybe he's right.
We can make a new start.
365
00:19:56,864 --> 00:19:58,073
Come on, guys.
366
00:19:58,115 --> 00:20:00,117
Don't let him sweet talk you like that.
367
00:20:00,284 --> 00:20:01,535
Wait. You can't leave now.
368
00:20:01,618 --> 00:20:03,620
I'm supposed to be the hero. Wait!
369
00:20:03,662 --> 00:20:06,707
Can you let me pistol-whip you
a couple times for the camera?
370
00:20:06,957 --> 00:20:11,628
Stupid robbers with your guns
and your make-out parties.
371
00:20:20,179 --> 00:20:20,971
Excellent!
372
00:20:21,013 --> 00:20:23,724
They detached the human component
from the machine.
373
00:20:23,891 --> 00:20:27,728
Machine, I am your new master
and I order you to go!
374
00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:28,979
Engage!
375
00:20:29,354 --> 00:20:32,900
Blast! Must be some kind of
proprietary command system.
376
00:20:32,983 --> 00:20:35,402
Now on the Russian MiG,
it's next to the altimeter.
377
00:20:35,444 --> 00:20:38,780
There you are.
I can't turn my back on you for a second.
378
00:20:39,448 --> 00:20:42,159
One day I shall unlock the secret
of that device.
379
00:20:42,201 --> 00:20:44,286
And when I do, Mother, victory shall be...
380
00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:52,294
Peter, you had us so worried.
What on earth were you trying to prove?
381
00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:54,755
I'm sorry. Joe is a great guy.
382
00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:57,299
I guess I was just tired of him
being your hero.
383
00:20:57,341 --> 00:21:00,719
Peter, Joe is a hero. But he's not our hero.
384
00:21:00,761 --> 00:21:02,137
- You are.
- Really?
385
00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:03,388
Yeah.
386
00:21:03,472 --> 00:21:08,268
You're always right there on the couch
for us, making us laugh when we're upset.
387
00:21:08,477 --> 00:21:11,480
Changing the channel
when something boring comes on.
388
00:21:11,522 --> 00:21:14,942
Eating the last slice of pizza
so the rest of us don't fight over it.
389
00:21:14,983 --> 00:21:17,027
Yeah, Daddy.
If you hadn't pulled this stunt...
390
00:21:17,069 --> 00:21:19,488
...I wouldn't know
how to manipulate Kevin.
391
00:21:19,530 --> 00:21:21,698
And when the kids at school see us on TV...
392
00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:26,954
...they'll think you're a total psycho.
And I can say, "That psycho is my dad!"
393
00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:30,207
I wouldn't have won silver in Nagano,
had you not driven me...
394
00:21:30,249 --> 00:21:32,334
...to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 a. m.
395
00:21:33,043 --> 00:21:37,422
I guess being a hero isn't always
about saving lives and catching bad guys.
396
00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:40,133
It's also about just being there
for the people you love.
397
00:21:40,175 --> 00:21:42,135
Help!
Someone just stole my purse!
398
00:21:42,219 --> 00:21:44,596
Who cares? I don't even know you.
33082
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