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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-
2
00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:16,200
There you go.
That's a steal, that - 50 quid.
3
00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:17,880
Yeah, I just...
4
00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:21,440
Have you got the computer bit as well?
5
00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:24,240
What do you mean? It's all in here.
6
00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:26,960
This is the monitor, so...
7
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,720
...that's literally just the screen,
and nothing else.
8
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:34,880
Cos, normally, there's a thing that comes
with both of these. It's the computer -
9
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:37,760
and that's the expensive bit,
that's the main thing.
10
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:41,680
Yeah. That's that. That's what that is.
11
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:43,400
I... I...
12
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,800
Yeah... OK.
13
00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:54,920
Kurtan is not a natural negotiator,
because he can't give a straight answer.
14
00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:56,240
That's why I go with him,
15
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,920
because I'm not afraid
to grab the bull by the horns,
16
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,080
and put the turkey on the table.
17
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:02,520
- Nothing.
18
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:05,240
Are you looking at my collection
of Compare
19
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:06,440
Yeah.
20
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,560
Yeah, cos you've seen the adverts,
ain't you?
21
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:09,520
Yeah.
22
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:12,560
Yeah? Cos he's the main one,
and he's a laugh.
23
00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,360
Right? But he's not the main one,
but he's a laugh, in his own way.
24
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:16,360
Yeah.
25
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,440
And I think that's why
they get on so well,
26
00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:19,920
cos they're both such a laugh -
27
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:22,560
but I just need the Baby Oleg now,
and then the set's complete.
28
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:23,680
Yeah, yeah.
29
00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,520
You don't know anyone selling a Baby Oleg,
do you?
30
00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:28,000
- I don't...
- Don't, sorry.
31
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:29,040
...know of anyone.
32
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:32,120
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, def... Absolutely.
33
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,440
Definitely, definitely.
34
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:36,760
Well?
35
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,320
Yeah, I just... It's...
36
00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:45,240
The thing is, it's just not really
what I'm looking for at the moment.
37
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:49,760
I... I could still take it off
your ha-hands...
38
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:53,000
...for a small fee -
sort of, fiver or something.
39
00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:57,320
Higher than that, maybe, a little bit.
Er...
40
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,160
I mean, what do you...
41
00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:05,440
50 would be... better.
42
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,160
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
43
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,400
- 50 quid!
- I know.
44
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,920
It ain't worth 50p. You didn't help
either. Could have said something.
45
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,320
- I did!
- Well, you know it's not...
46
00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:15,480
Did I not? I was about to.
47
00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:18,920
It's obvious there's no computer bit with
this. 50 quid! You know it's not worth...
48
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,840
Da! Da, Da!
49
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,440
All right, Da?
- All right.
50
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:26,680
- Kurtan.
51
00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:30,640
- I've got a job, if you fancy it.
- Er...
52
00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:32,840
- Well, I haven't got any work on.
53
00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:35,160
Bit of labouring, heavy lifting and that.
54
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,200
Er...
- I ain't got any work on.
55
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,120
- I dunno.
- Cash in hand.
56
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,280
- Yeah, all right, then. Yeah, go on.
- Yeah.
57
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,520
- I'll pick you up tomorrow at seven.
- Yeah, nice one.
58
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,440
- Yeah, I... I haven't got any work on.
- Good, then.
59
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:46,800
- Yeah.
- All right, see you, Da.
60
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,720
- Cheers, Mart. All right.
- See you.
61
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:55,640
It would've been nice to work
with my dad and the lads,
62
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,320
but, if I'm honest,
63
00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,320
it's probably best I keep my head
down at the moment, anyway.
64
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:03,080
Basically, somebody's been
sending me threatening letters,
65
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,320
and I don't know who's doing it -
66
00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:09,000
and I am concerned,
because my peripheral vision is poor,
67
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:11,520
so, if somebody attacks me
from the sides
68
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,760
or snipes at me from
an upstairs window, I am fucked -
69
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:18,120
but my hearing is excellent, see?
So I just need to spend a few days inside
70
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:21,640
honing my sonar, and I'll be fine then.
71
00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:23,280
Mum, can I come in?
72
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,200
Well, do you think you can go to the shop?
Cos we're out of loo roll.
73
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,240
I can't.
What if I get attacked or something?
74
00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:51,080
I ain't worried about
the physical nature of the job.
75
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:53,640
I've done my fair share of physical stuff.
76
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:55,200
The only thing I'm worried about
77
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:58,080
is fucking spending
the whole day with fucking Martin.
78
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:02,160
A few rules. No moaning, no complaining,
no negative Nancies.
79
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,200
OK.
80
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,120
If you don't like the work,
the circus is in town
81
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,200
- and they're always looking for clowns.
- Right.
82
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:08,920
- 30 minutes for lunch.
- Right.
83
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,480
Any longer than that gets taken
out your wage packet.
84
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:12,560
OK.
85
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,840
And every Tuesday's cake Tuesday,
86
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,960
where you bring in a cake that
you've baked for us all to share.
87
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,000
OK.
88
00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:22,840
Whoever has the least delicious cake
has to buy the rounds in at the Keepers.
89
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:23,920
Right, OK.
90
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,640
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's fine.
91
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:27,800
Sorry, Martin, just one more thing, mate.
Er...
92
00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:31,120
- Your mug is your own responsibility...
- Right.
93
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,080
...and if I find your dirty mug
sitting in the van,
94
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:36,200
I'll have absolutely no hesitation
in smashing it in the road. Capeesh?
95
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:37,880
Yeah. Understood.
96
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,520
There you go.
97
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,600
Just pop those
next to the cement mixer.
98
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:43,200
Jesus Christ.
99
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,360
Kurtan's just going to drown
like a pig in the sea.
100
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:48,560
You know, it's all well
and good him doing this job,
101
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:51,480
but if they start taking the piss
out of his nan or his birthmark,
102
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,560
his soul is just going to crumble to dust.
103
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,680
Christ, you watch the Swindon game
last night?
104
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:56,840
Course I did.
105
00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,200
What a joke. Some of them are not fit
to wear the shirt, I say.
106
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,880
Ker said to me, she goes,
"You know that Luke Norris?"
107
00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:07,640
She goes, "He gets paid
two grand to play football."
108
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,480
I said to her, "He doesn't get paid
two grand to play football.
109
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,480
"He gets paid two grand
to fall on his arse the whole game."
110
00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:17,400
Sorry, Kursty,
111
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:18,960
- Yeah.
112
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,560
Martin don't like it when
other people make jokes on the site.
113
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:25,040
He's the only one who is allowed
to make the jokes on site.
114
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,320
Right. OK.
115
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,360
So, that's that.
And on top of the joke,
116
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:33,560
never, ever joke about
Swindon Football Club, ever.
117
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,360
- Especially Luke Norris.
- Right.
118
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,600
Cos Martin used to play darts
with his dad,
119
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,600
- and he basically sees Luke like a son.
- OK.
120
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,280
So if you ever think of any
other jokes, come to me, tell me,
121
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:44,520
and I'll pass them on to Martin,
122
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:47,000
and let you know if he finds them
funny or not, all right?
123
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,840
Yeah. That's fine. Cheers, Dan.
124
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,560
A hard hat may protect you
from a falling brick,
125
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,920
but it will not protect you from banter.
126
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,600
You don't need a hard hat,
you need a hard heart.
127
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,440
Do you want a cup of tea, Kurst?
128
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:04,400
I'd bloody love one.
Cheers, Dan, mate.
129
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:05,720
Where's your mug, then?
130
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,640
Shit. I left it in the van.
131
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,600
Sweep that up, Kurst.
132
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,360
Yep.
133
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:22,640
Sort it out, Kursty.
134
00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:33,480
Got another letter today,
135
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,240
and I think it's the worst of the lot.
136
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:39,320
I'm no closer to finding out who it is
either.
137
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,480
It's pretty scary,
cos they're coming through my door,
138
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,880
which means they probably
know where I live.
139
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,080
Yeah, just thought I'd let you know,
I've got the Baby Oleg now
140
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,160
from a smoke-free home
and a pet-free home,
141
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:58,720
so, the set's complete, if you want
to come round and have a look at 'em,
142
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,640
cos I remember you saying
how much you liked the set, didn't you?
143
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,120
Yeah, cheers, Mand.
144
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:05,640
- Yeah.
145
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:06,960
What's the matter with your face?
146
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,640
Have you gone off Compare
147
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,320
No, I ain't gone off
Compare-the-Meerkats.com, I just...
148
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,600
I should hope not -
I've come all the way over here,
149
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,040
cos you said about the Baby Oleg,
and I thought you was interested.
150
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:18,760
Yeah, no, I am.
I am really interested in Oleg.
151
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:21,160
Right. What's the matter, then?
152
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:29,520
"Dear Kerry,
I cannot stop fantasising about you.
153
00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,800
"My latest was the best.
154
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:35,920
"I'm cleaning out my shed
when you come in and tell me
155
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,880
"you want to sand down a chair leg,
156
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:44,000
"so you use my mouth as a vice
and tell me I cannot breathe.
157
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,160
"I breathe involuntarily to stay alive,
158
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,600
"and you punch me in the lungs
and tell me how pathetic I am."
159
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,320
The sick, sick bastard.
160
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,560
It's just...
I don't know what to do, Mand.
161
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,440
It's all right, I'll help you.
162
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:01,000
We'll find him, yeah?
And we're going to fuck him up.
163
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,760
- You'll be safe with me, Ker.
- Cheers, Mand.
164
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,280
That's all right, that's what I do.
165
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,600
Dear! God...
166
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,600
No, no...
167
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:24,880
OK...
168
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,320
Dear.
169
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:32,800
God. God.
170
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:38,360
No, no...
171
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,760
No.
172
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,440
No, that's bad.
173
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:46,280
Ooh...
174
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:47,560
And...
175
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,200
...out it goes.
176
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:52,240
That's it.
177
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:56,080
Down...
178
00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,400
Down there, that's it.
179
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,280
Just like that.
180
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,560
Right. Next load.
181
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,720
- Just a quick question, Kursty.
- Yes.
182
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:06,480
Are you going to do it
like that every time?
183
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,400
- I-I shouldn't think so, no.
- Right.
184
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:09,800
OK.
185
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,120
Look at this.
186
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,520
Whoa.
187
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,800
I never leave the house
without a pair of these.
188
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,920
"Why?" you ask. Well, this is why.
189
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,600
That's... really good.
190
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:37,560
See that? Pure martial arts.
191
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,160
- Yah! Like that.
- Yeah.
192
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:42,560
Do a defence, or... you can
do a punching...
193
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:44,160
"Yeah, whatever,
all right, mate, yeah..."
194
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,080
Yah! Like that. Don't worry,
I've got me range. I've got me range.
195
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,160
Now, what am I going to do now?
196
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,480
- I don't know.
197
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,680
We don't know, we don't know.
It's a punch! Whaa!
198
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:53,080
And I can get quite close to you.
199
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,040
Yes.
200
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,240
Yeah.
201
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,640
I ain't struggling. No.
202
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:11,880
I made a few mistakes, yeah,
but it's my first day...
203
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,680
See you tomorrow.
204
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,600
...and the relentless windups
don't help, either -
205
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:17,760
cos Martin and Dan,
206
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,720
they had me looking for tartan paint
for about 40 minutes today.
207
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:24,080
I should've known, after the tartan paint,
that he was having me on,
208
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,000
cos I spent another 20 minutes
looking for striped paint.
209
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:31,880
It took me half an hour
to work out that... it's the same joke.
210
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,880
For fuck's sake!
211
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,880
I can't present that tomorrow.
They'll annihilate me.
212
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:54,080
That is sunken as hell.
213
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,360
You may as well just
stuff your face with it, Ker.
214
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:57,880
Nah, you're all right.
215
00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,200
Look, if you want the ganache,
you'll have to frost it yourself.
216
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,280
The mix is in the bowl...
but I ain't doing it for you, all right?
217
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:03,480
Nah, I'm just not hungry.
218
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,280
What?
219
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:08,360
What?
220
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,480
- Nothing.
221
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:15,200
You're off your food,
and that worries me greatly.
222
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:26,240
"Dear Kerry, I often see you
around the village.
223
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:29,800
"I have been having
intense fantasies about you
224
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,440
"that I feel I must share with you.
225
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:36,600
"My dream is that you come over
to mine in your Swindon shirt.
226
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:40,000
"You come in to fix my washing machine,
and you are all sweaty
227
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,880
"cos you have been playing football
in the park.
228
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,600
"You smell of BO...
229
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,320
"...but I don't mind.
230
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:52,200
"You are so strong,
your hands are like spanners.
231
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:53,800
"You lift me above your head
232
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,240
"and throw me
to the other side of the room
233
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,120
"and smash me against the wall.
234
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:04,440
"We arm-wrestle, and when you beat me,
you tell me how pathetic I am.
235
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:07,560
"I give you my belt to whip me with,
236
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,160
"and my trousers fall down,
237
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:13,080
"and you laugh at my... genitals."
238
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,800
Threatening, innit?
239
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,880
Yeah. That's...
240
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,240
They want to beat me up, don't they?
241
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,120
- ...Yeah...
- I wouldn't say...
242
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:29,600
It's sort of...
243
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:34,400
They... They want... you
to beat them up...
244
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,480
...but I don't think
they're beating you up.
245
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:39,640
Really?
246
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,400
That's all right, then.
247
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,160
No. No, because...
248
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:50,360
Because they're getting,
like, a... a thing out of it.
249
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,400
What
250
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,960
Like... Well...
251
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,840
Like...
252
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,720
A sexual thing.
253
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,520
This really is not
a good situation for me.
254
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,400
A physical threat is something
that I can deal with,
255
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:11,680
but a sexual thing
is not my area of expertise.
256
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,560
Right, get your cakes out,
you pair of fannies.
257
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:24,720
Go.
258
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,360
- Victoria sponge, mate. Classic.
259
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,800
Ho, ho! Lovely.
260
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:40,880
Dan, that's not bad at all.
261
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,360
Especially after
your Battenberg disaster.
262
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:44,640
Cheers, Mart.
263
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:47,240
Right, Kurst, what's your offering today?
264
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:49,880
Well...
265
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,120
There she is, in all her glory.
266
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:53,160
Lemon drizzle.
267
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,320
What's this?
268
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:56,640
Is that shop
269
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:00,800
Yeah.
270
00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:04,480
Sorry. Look, I...
271
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:08,640
I did try and bake one myself, I did,
but I just can't do it. I can't bake.
272
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,800
Listen...
273
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:13,560
- No baker gets it right the first time.
- Nah.
274
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,840
That is the beauty of baking.
275
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,440
It's trial and error.
276
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:21,960
Do you think Dan could have produced
that exquisite Victoria sponge
277
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,000
without fucking up his Battenberg? No.
278
00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:27,200
No way. I mean, even the great Mr Kipling
279
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,440
would admit to fucking up
his first couple of Bakewells, right?
280
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:30,480
Yeah, I suppose he would.
281
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,240
You need to get
some more confidence, Kurst.
282
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,000
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
283
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:37,840
Well, do you know what? I think... I think
I'll give it a bloody good go next time.
284
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:41,760
I really will,
and I can't thank you enough. You know?
285
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,680
- That's the right attitude.
286
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,560
But remember,
you've got to do the forfeit.
287
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,160
- Yeah.
288
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,000
Well, you brought in a shop-bought,
289
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,040
so you got to do a forfeit, mate.
That's the rules.
290
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:52,800
What forfeit?
291
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,680
Er...
292
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:56,280
Slap that drink out that woman's hand.
293
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,480
Yeah, go on, Kursty,
that'll redeem you.
294
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,560
No, that's Slugs, I know him.
295
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:01,960
Yeah, but so what?
296
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,000
It's just, I... He's had
a really hard time of it, he's had cancer.
297
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,320
Grow a pair, Kurst.
298
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,280
He ain't going to do it, Martin.
He's a fanny, ain't he?
299
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:10,960
No, I ain't a fanny. I just...
300
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,320
Fuck...
301
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,360
All right, Kurtan?
302
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,880
All right, Slugs, mate?
303
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:21,320
All right, mate, how's it going?
304
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,760
It's not good.
305
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,960
Really
306
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:29,520
Just really low, mate.
307
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:32,920
Why?
308
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:38,160
Just found out Kayleigh's been sending
messages to other guys on Facebook.
309
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:39,480
Shit.
310
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:42,800
Wh
311
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:45,440
Sexual, mostly.
312
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,840
God. So sorry to hear that, mate.
313
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:51,880
Thanks.
314
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,880
She said she doesn't know what she wants.
315
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:56,080
Yeah.
316
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,160
I'm going over there now to see
if I can work things out.
317
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:02,280
Well, it will...
It will work itself out, mate.
318
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,440
It's... It always... Yeah.
319
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:05,920
I hope so.
320
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,200
Just really fucked in the head, mate.
321
00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,240
Yeah.
322
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:10,720
- I don't know what to do.
- Yeah.
323
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,520
That was good.
324
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:20,000
Nice one, Kurtan. Nice one, mate.
325
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,400
It's all right, it's all right.
It's all right.
326
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,320
Well, Mandy very kindly offered
to spend some time
327
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:29,440
at my house for protection and that.
328
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,840
She reckons it could be quite serious,
and it could be very dangerous.
329
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,400
- Yeah.
330
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:39,800
Yeah, the reason I've offered
to protect Kerry
331
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:44,560
is cos I used to be in exactly
the same situation before,
332
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,760
cos I was a stalker
for about three or four years, and...
333
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,800
It... It got really bad at one point,
334
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:52,960
cos they were starring
in Jack And The Beanstalk
335
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,360
at the Everyman Theatre...
336
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,000
I broke into their dressing room
and just...
337
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,360
...and I stole all their shoes and that.
338
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,120
Police got involved.
339
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,920
I thought you were stalked on.
340
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,680
No, I was the stalker.
341
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:13,240
Yeah, cos the more I loved them,
the more they rejected me,
342
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:16,440
the more they rejected me,
the more I wanted to kill 'em, see?
343
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,640
That's just love, I suppose.
344
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,280
Cheers, John.
345
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,040
Shut up!
346
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:53,840
Fuckin' hell! Jesus.
347
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:06,000
What did Sandra say
348
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:10,800
Fucking hell, there we go.
349
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:15,720
Right.
350
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,280
You lied to me, Mick.
351
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:31,160
I couldn't tell you any sooner,
because you wasn't here.
352
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,600
I asked you.
I asked you if you'd told me everything.
353
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,040
You kissed her twice, Mick.
354
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:42,840
I know.
355
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,600
You not going to go home, do you think?
356
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,080
- No.
357
00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:54,640
I can't... I can't protect you
from me house, can I?
358
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,880
I'd be all right tonight.
I'd be absolutely fine tonight.
359
00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,560
You say that.
360
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,240
You know that night's
the most dangerous time, right?
361
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,640
Night-time was when I did all my business.
362
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:07,880
Who...
Who was it that you did stalk?
363
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:10,480
I could... I'm not allowed
to say who it actually is,
364
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,840
but I can tell you that it was
a member of S Club 7 -
365
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:14,400
- but I can't tell you which one.
366
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:16,880
Was it Bradley?
367
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:19,960
- No.
368
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,440
- No.
369
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:25,560
- Jon's the other one.
- No.
370
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,480
Tina?
371
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:28,680
No.
372
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,240
- No.
373
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,400
- Rachel Stevens.
- No.
374
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,400
Hannah Spearritt?
375
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,600
Yeah, go on, my son.
Wahey, there we go. There we go.
376
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,040
Fucking shots!
377
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,080
- No...!
- Yeah, let's do shots, come on!
378
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,600
I don't know, mate.
379
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,680
Come on, John. Get the shots out!
380
00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:58,760
Dan, you'll have a shot!
381
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:00,280
I don't know. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
382
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:01,400
Come on!
383
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:02,720
- Maybe...
- Do a shot!
384
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:03,840
He's doing it now, isn't he?
385
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,240
Come on, you big bald fanny, do a shot!
386
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:10,280
Come on. I don't mind getting them in.
Honestly. You'll do one.
387
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:11,400
Yeah?
388
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,080
- Absolutely, mate, yeah.
389
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:16,000
- Let's do it now.
Social?
390
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,760
- Cheers, John, mate.
- Yeah. See you, John.
391
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,080
All right, see you...
See you tomorrow, lads.
392
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,520
Yeah, yeah.
393
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,160
Fuck.
394
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,640
Rack 'em up, then, John.
395
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,040
Fuckin' hell.
396
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:30,480
Quickly, mate!
397
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,080
Yeah.
398
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:33,840
Fuck, what a night tonight.
399
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,200
Pint to pint with Martin Mucklowe.
400
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,000
Absolutely battered last night.
401
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:52,320
Can't wait for a debrief
with the lads as well.
402
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,280
Cor! Last night was a random one,
wasn't it?!
403
00:20:58,600 --> 00:20:59,800
Cor.
404
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:01,040
Checked my phone this morning.
405
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,080
Only texted my ex about six times
last night!
406
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:06,720
One of... One of them was a video
of me crying for about ten minutes.
407
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:07,960
What a numpty.
408
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,160
Can't even remember getting home either.
409
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,480
So, you're not fit for work, then?
410
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,320
Well... We were all drinking last night.
411
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,040
- No.
412
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:23,080
I can metabolise a pint in five minutes.
Dan in seven.
413
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:27,680
You, on the other hand, were taking
the piss out of me and my site,
414
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,760
- See ya.
415
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:33,040
Yeah. See ya.
416
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,640
I don't work with clowns,
I only work with kings.
417
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,280
What, y
418
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:42,480
What have I done?
I haven't done anything wrong.
419
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,000
- Well...
420
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,480
Is this about me calling you
a big bald fanny last night?
421
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,560
Cos the atmosphere
just totally changed after that.
422
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,600
Yeah, well, to be fair, mate,
it was bang out of order, wasn't it?
423
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:58,000
My... I knew it was. That...
Do you know how sad that is?
424
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:01,480
That is so, actually, sad.
That makes me sad for you,
425
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:03,200
that you can't take a joke.
426
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,480
That was just a joke,
and you're sacking me for making a joke.
427
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,840
That is...
What am I going to do for work?
428
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:10,600
- Go to joke school.
429
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:13,560
Well, if I need to go to joke school,
430
00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:16,040
you need to go back
to shagging school, then, mate.
431
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:17,200
- Yeah.
432
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:18,640
I overheard your Sandra
in the post office,
433
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:20,200
saying, yeah,
you might have a big knob,
434
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:21,800
but you don't know
what the bloody hell to do with it.
435
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:25,280
- Right, that's it, get off the site now.
- I'm going, mate. I am going.
436
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,200
All the gear, no idea.
437
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,560
I will not miss
working for Martin Mucklowe.
438
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,480
He is a disturbed individual.
439
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,200
Did you hear him say he got
tossed off by his mother
440
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:42,440
She's 86.
441
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,120
I'd rather shag Kerry's mum...
442
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:48,960
...and to think he's done 'em both...
443
00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:03,840
Yes!
444
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,160
Bakers...
445
00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:08,480
Someone's here!
446
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,080
Whoa!
447
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:12,600
Are you all right?
448
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,440
- You was lucky.
- Yeah.
449
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:16,840
Are you all right?
450
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,720
Yeah. How was work?
451
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:22,200
I got sacked.
452
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:23,400
Why?
453
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,760
I really can't be arsed
explaining about it now.
454
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:28,120
- Happy families.
455
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,080
Can I play?
456
00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:33,480
Yeah, I've pretty much
won this round, anyway.
457
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,040
What's the rules, again?
458
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:43,040
Mandy makes up the rules each...
459
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:44,640
- I don't make 'em up.
- No.
460
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,520
- That's what they are.
- Yeah.
461
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,200
Two goes for the eldest...
462
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:51,880
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
463
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:53,600
Which is Mandy.
464
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:56,760
Two cards - one, one, two.
465
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,440
One, one, two.
466
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,520
One, one, two.
467
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:03,640
One, one, two.
468
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:05,880
One, one, two...
469
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:07,960
- Ooh, it's another letter!
470
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:10,720
This is it! Right!
471
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:13,800
Get back, get back.
472
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,280
Here he is.
473
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:17,800
Sit down!
474
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,680
I'm not... I was just...
All right! Christ!
475
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,360
I was just coming by to give Kurtan
the recipe for my Victoria sponge,
476
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:24,600
because I know how much he likes it.
477
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:28,360
- That's not... That's just... I mean...
478
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,920
"Dear Kerry, today I fantasised
479
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:35,040
"that you were dressed
as Miss Trunchbull from Matilda,
480
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:38,440
"and you were trying out
some new boxing gloves,
481
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,920
"and you didn't have a punchbag,
482
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,280
"so I let you try them out on my balls."
483
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:44,760
Fuck's sake!
484
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:47,040
This some sort of wank-fest for you,
is it?
485
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:51,800
Objectifying some poor girl
for your own pleasure?
486
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,520
It ain't like that, right?
I wank over her as a compliment.
487
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,120
Right? I don't mean nothing by it.
488
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:57,600
It's a compliment, is it?
489
00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:02,600
Kerry, how does it feel to have
some dirty pervert wanking over you?
490
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:05,280
Er...
491
00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:13,400
Well... Like, the strength stuff's
all right.
492
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:14,920
I think that's quite good.
493
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:19,680
It's just... the other stuff... I really,
really, really, really don't like it.
494
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,120
All right, well, you know,
I can respect that, and...
495
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,240
I think I just got a bit carried away
with the whole thing.
496
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:26,720
I wouldn't do it if I knew
you didn't like it, you know?
497
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:30,040
Yeah. Cos, I mean, like the stuff
about me being strong and that,
498
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:31,680
I don't mind...
499
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:35,040
- That's the bit I don't mind.
- No...
500
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,600
So, that's quite good.
501
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,840
Yeah, it's all right. There's no harm
in it, strength stuff?
502
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:40,760
No.
503
00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:42,160
- Yeah.
504
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:43,360
I didn't mind the strength stuff.
505
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,400
- No.
506
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,120
Well... Yeah, I... I'm with you on that.
507
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:49,400
Yeah, me, too.
508
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,560
All right, then. Well... What if I was
to write another letter, right?
509
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:54,040
Bear with me.
510
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,400
Kerry's working in the garage, right?
511
00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:58,800
Strongest girl in the whole garage, right?
512
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:02,080
She doesn't even need a jack to lift the
car up, she does everything by her hands.
513
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:04,560
- That is strong.
514
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:08,200
One day, Land Rover comes in -
massive, right? Really heavy.
515
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:09,880
And you end up actually
lifting it so high,
516
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:13,520
you lift the whole thing above your head,
you're that strong. How's that?
517
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:15,480
That... That's the end of the story?
518
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:18,640
- Well, then, yeah.
- That's good.
519
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,120
- Yeah.
- That's great.
520
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,720
- I think that's good, that's fine.
- That's really good, that.
521
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:25,640
Yeah. It's good... It's a good story
about strength...
522
00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:26,680
Yeah.
523
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:28,840
...and there is nothing sexual,
and I'm happy with that, if you are.
524
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:30,360
- I'm happy.
- Cos now I know.
525
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:31,800
Cos I wouldn't write anything sexual
about you.
526
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,440
Jesus, I don't want you
coming round, beating me up.
527
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:35,040
Yeah, we would beat you up.
528
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:36,760
- We would beat you up.
- Well, mainly Mandy,
529
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:38,920
- I know you're not really...
- No, I would beat you up, as well.
530
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:42,800
- I am a fighter. That's what I live for.
531
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:44,880
- Yeah, I've been in fights.
532
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:48,320
I was in a fight with Darren Macy
at the bus... bus shelter.
533
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:51,160
I grabbed him by the hood
and just smashed his face into a wall.
534
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:54,040
So, if you ever send me a letter again,
yeah,
535
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:55,920
I will absolutely batter you, mate!
536
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,560
- Ker, Ker, Ker...!
537
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,800
You've given him a stonk-on.
538
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:02,120
- My God.
- Christ.
539
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:03,000
Well...
540
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:04,640
- All right, let's get out of here.
- All right!
541
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:06,280
- Come on, you.
- Christ, I'm going. All right!
542
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:10,040
Get out, you dirty, dirty, dirty,
disgusting bastard!
543
00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:11,600
All right, Christ!
544
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:18,600
Well, that was fucking weird.
545
00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:21,240
Yeah.
546
00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:22,920
Are you all right?
547
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:24,280
I think so.
548
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,240
Do you want to play happy families?
549
00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,200
- Yeah.
550
00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:43,520
I'm so relieved
all that is just finished with.
551
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:44,560
Yeah.
552
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,160
It's not even him, it was her.
553
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,040
I just thought she was never gonna leave.
553
00:27:50,305 --> 00:28:50,479
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