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To whomever
it may concern,

if you're seeing this video,
I am most likely dead.

You've heard about the gruesome,
tragic events that befell
the Milton-Fletcher wedding.

It's been all over the news.

But what you don't know
is the truth--

the real story, the story
that my cameras captured.

There are dangerous people
out there...

who are willing
to do whatever it takes
to suppress the truth.

But my art
will not be suppressed.

Whoever you are,
if this file finds its way
into your possession,

please mail a copy of it
to the F.B.I.

Mail a duplicate copy
to the Sundance Film Festival.

Okay? Make sure
you attach a note.
Tell 'em it's a rough cut.

You know, still working
on some things.
But mostly it's all there.

Just gotta put
the title sequence in,
it'll be all set.

I've stayed too long.

Farewell.

I call my film
Shotgun Wedding.

Robert. Hey, buddy.

How about a few words
for the camera
from the groom?

Oh.
The video.

Right.
The wedding video. We--

We wanted to record
everything.

- We could go back and relive
this special moment.

- I could never forget today.

No matter how hard
I tried.

You-You must have something
to say about your wedding.

Robert, you okay?
Robert.

You got it
I got you.

Check, check, one, two.
One, two, check. Got that?

Slated.

So, um,
what exactly
are we focusing on?

I don't--
Everything, man. Uh--

Family moments,
problems, funny shit.

Nip slips.
Just let it run.
You know what I mean?

Just don't stop running the
camera. That's all, basically.
Get everything. Blaze?

You got it.
Get it all.

**

* You *

I had one of those
going on.

Just wanted to thank you all
for being here on-- with us.

We know that you all
had to take time out of
your busy, busy lives,

and some of you
had to fly across an ocean,
and it really means a lot to me.

And to me.
Well, to us.

I, uh-- Wow, man.

The Miltons, I just--

A family anyone would kill
to be a part of.

I just feel so lucky
to feel so outclassed.

No. No!
Oh, now.

To those of you who witnessed
my embarrassing display
of skeet shooting this morning,

I'm a much better shot
than that.

I know my dad was probably
sitting there going,

"What? Did he not learn
anything in all those
duck hunting trips?"

Uh-- I blame
the wedding jitters.

- Oh.
- Not that I have
the wedding jitters!

Everyone, the Honorable
Judge Philip "Flip" Milton.

Just so everyone knows,
he likes to be referred to
as "sir," so--

No, no.
That's not true.

I prefer
"Your Honor."

Okay. Well.
Here's to Rosemary
and Robert, huh?

Yay.
Thank you. Thank you.

I'm Ted.
I'm the best man, and--

Best man.
Hear, hear.

Guilty. Guilty.
Guilty as charged.

I have been best friends
with Robert since high school.

And who would have thought
both of us would end up marrying
such classy dames?

Um-- Actually,
my wonderful wife, Elizabeth,

is to blame
for this whole thing,

'cause four years ago,
she said to me,

"You know, my friend Rosemary
is smart and beautiful
and rich.

But she's got
terrible taste in men."

She said, "Why don't we
introduce her
to your friend Robert?"

You were great, Ted.

I was
Rosemary's first...

boyfriend.

I don't think my poor mother
has ever quite forgiven me
for letting her get away.

Ha, ha.

So, Robert--

do not let her
out of your sight, mate.

I still have
almost 24 hours
in which to win her back.

But seriously.

To Rosemary... and Robert.

Cheers!
- That guy's hilarious.

I'm in the middle of my speech
at the rehearsal dinner.

Yeah! Um--

Robert and Rosemary,
you are the perfect couple.

And even though I haven't known
either one of you that long,
really,

I just want you to know that...

I'm so honored that
you chose me to be
your maid of honor.

Hug time.

Big hug here. Yay.

I'm so happy
you're here.

She only has 200 views.
That's sad. Maybe I should
subscribe to her channel.

We love you.
I love you.

Rosemary! Ahh!

Right?

- My favorite cousin.
- Oh. It's true.

I am super honored you guys
all believe in me enough
to deejay the reception.

He's deejaying?

There was a time
back in Afghanistan-- Oorah!

that I thought that
I would never find something...

in the civilized world
to connect to.

Yeah, after being in the shit.

Until I found my true calling...

as DJ Awesome-sauce,

crankin' out dope jams
for good Americans-- Oorah!

I, uh--

I wondered if my only talent
was killing people.

You know?

- Every time I close my eyes,
I can still smell the blood.

I was starting to worry...

that he was waiting
too long to get married.

Possibly because of
how things went...

with his father and me,
you know.

We're divorced.

Messy! Messy.

Rosemary was so beautiful
and smart.

There was no way
he could fall any more
in love with her...

than I already have.

Robbie, after you
brought her home
that first time,

four years ago,

the very next day,
I baked a wedding cake.

Yes!

From scratch.

And I have it here
right now.

- Here we go.

Uh, no.

Ay, yi, yi, yi, yi.

Nice.

Ooh, a vet. I don't know how
you keep your figure so slim.

StairMaster. Old school.

Anyway. You having
a good time?

Oh, man.
Thank you so much.
It's--

Of course. Of course.
Look at this.

Hey, listen. Why don't you kids
go out, have a good time.
Okay.

Gonna stay here
and clean up.
All right.

The first round will be
on the father of the groom,
Hank Fletcher.

- Oh!

No, no. I'm just
messing with you, Hank.

No, no, no.

First round is on me.
Are you sure?

And then you freeloaders
are on your own, okay?

Now just, uh,
don't get in trouble, okay?
Of course.

We want to stay
out of the papers,
don't we, honey?

**

Last cameraman standing.

- All right, ladies.
Here we go.

Leave these boys
to their revelry.

I want to stay
and revel too.

Ooh! Can we do shots?

Keep an eye on these guys
for me, okay?

**

To this guy.

* Raise it up, raise it up,
raise it up *

He's not that good.

Yay!

We made it.
Last stop.

What is the damage,
my friend?
Sixty-five.

Sixty-five.
- Could the judge live any
farther from civilization?

Hey, guys!
Hey, hey!

Wait for me!
We're down to Pensee.

Hey, did everybody see
my pearl necklace?
My daddy bought it for me.

Where are we going?

**
I love you.

They love each other.

Stop it!

Camera guy!

Listen! Listen!
This is where we live.

You'll see Mika
with our camera.

She can see us.
Look at this. Hello!

Oh!
Aim for the rim.
Aim for the rim.

Pretty hungry--
Hey!

You guys ever feel
like every day is, like--

Like every day is like
trying to get...

a fuckin' cashew
in the hat.

Vows! Vows! Vows! Vows! Vows!

"I, Robert,
take you, Rosemary,

to be
my lawfully wedded wife,

in sickness and in health,
in richness and in poorness--

hopefully more richness
than poorness"--

Hey-oh!

"good hair days
and bad hair days,

when you're looking
smoking hot...

and on those occasions
when maybe you're feeling
a little bloated"--

Whoa! Oh, hell, no!

I don't think you should put
jokes in your vows, man.

No, guys.
Rosemary thinks I'm funny.

She likes it when I'm funny.

But not when you're
supposed to be pledging
your undying love and fidelity.

Yeah, man.
They're really terrible.

She'll hate it,
and then she'll hate you.

You should take
another pass on 'em, seriously.

They're really immature.
All right. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'll fix 'em.

Hey, listen.
You been here all night, man.
You can go home if you want.

I can go?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Three-way!

Yay!

It's okay. It's okay.

Everything's gonna be just--

* Dong-dong, dong-dong,
dong-dong, dong-dong *

We're standing in puke.

I wrote "dong" on his face.

Room for one more!

I'm coming.
I've never felt so alive.

Here. Two guys.
Good old time.
And the groomsman.

Rosemary is so cool
and hot.

Oh, man, thanks.
And rich.

Thanks, man.
Rich in tits!

Yeah.

Protect the home base.
This is our land!

I was on fire today.
Never even shot a gun before.

That's beginner's luck.

Your best score
tied my worst score. What?

Oh, yeah?
Pull.

Nailed it again.

Can't miss.

Wait. What are you guys
talking about?
Skeet shooting.

What? Let's shoot skeet now.

Pensee, it's the middle
of the night. We can't--
I'm the groom.

We can do
what we want.

Whoa!

Come on!

It's time to go
and shoot something.

I don't know what it is.

Love murder!

Okay.
Yeah.

Shh, shh, shh.
Shh!

It's like a--
Pensee, quiet.

I didn't say anything!
Pensee, quiet.

You be quiet!
You're talking.

I wasn't.
Okay. No more talking.

You wanna hold it?

Yeah, I do.
Touch it.

What was that?
You want me to shoot you?

Follow me.

All right. You ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.

Are you ready
I'm ready.

You ready
Are you ready?

I'm ready.
Okay.

Okay. Pull!

Oh! Slam!

They didn't invite me to this?
Fuckin' assholes, man.

You did.
I did.

Well, that's why I think
it's too easy.

I need something harder.

Take three paces,
turn around
and then try to shoot it.

Three paces, turn around--
Turn around.

Fire. No looking.
No look-sees.

Hello, lovelies.
You are about
to see me shoot a gun.

For the very first time. Ever.

Ever!
Robert, no!

Oh, shit! Oh, no!
Fuck!

Pensee

Are you okay?
I think something hit me
in the face.

What do we do?
Do we move her
Call the police?

Oh, my God.
Who do you call when you
shoot someone in the face?

Someone's been shot. Oh.

We need to call
a paramedic, right?
Don't touch your face.

Yes, I'll do it.

Oh, boy.
We need help. 911.

We need help.
Someone's been shot.

It's gonna take too long.
Listen. My mom-- Side room
right over there, okay?

She's a nurse.
She's a school nurse,
dude!

She's still a nurse, Ted!
I'm so sleepy.

Pensee! Get up!

Look at this weirdy.
Look at this weirdo.
Do not fall asleep.

There she is.

I did it.
Guys, where am I?

What kind of ding-a-lings shoot
guns in the middle of the night?
You're getting married tomorrow.

Mom, she just got shot
in the face.
You can yell at me later.

What do you think, Mom?
We should call 911.
Right, Mom?

Uh-- No, no, no.

Now hold on.
I think she's probably okay.
Yeah?

This is mostly swelling.
Oh.

Yeah.
We just need to clean her up
and she'll be right as rain.

I still get to be
maid of honor, right?

I was totally looking forward
to it, and Rosemary chose me.
Oh. Oh--

Let's take her
to the emergency room.

Come on. Let's go
to the emergency room.

You listen to me,
Robert Allen Fletcher.

I-- I do understand
what is happening here.

I will not allow
my baby's wedding
to get derailed...

by a-- by a...
simple accident.

Do you think that Judge Milton
will want to pay for
a second wedding...

because you shot his daughter's
adorable maid of honor
in the face?

This is not important,
is it?

I mean, this is just
some big fancy wedding.

This is Pensee's life.
We can--

Rosemary and I,
we can go to Vegas.

We can marry in Vegas.
It doesn't matter.

I was in labor
for 32 hours with you.

Thirty-two hours.

With no drugs.

And I wanted the drugs!

But I said no, for you.

I did not go through that
so you could have a wedding...

performed by some Elvis
or some ordained drag queen.

What if Rosemary
isn't okay with that?

What if she
changes her mind?

Yvette's right. Yvette's right.

This is more important.
This is the turning point
of your entire life.

What the fuck
is wrong with you two?

Pensee, dear.
You understand, right?

You don't want to be the reason
that the whole wedding
gets called off.

Oh, my gosh. Do you?

No! No! I really don't.

I'm so sorry my face got in
front of your bullets, Robert.

Those guns
don't shoot bullets.
It's a bird shot.

...stupid!
This is not your fault.
You are not stupid.

Shut up, Robert.

This is Pensee's decision,
not yours.

And she's on my side.

Ted, get him out of here.

Brother.
Bye.

I gotta clean her up
and I gotta get her
back to her room.

Okay.

We're gonna be brave.

Pensee, have you been
filming this?

**

What in the hell
is this?

Anyone single, in my opinion,
is a slut.

I want you
to look into this. Ready?

A dick on your face.
He doesn't even--

Excuse me.
Yes?

I hate this
continental breakfast junk.

Do you think you could get me
a couple fried eggs,
a little ham steak?

Hey, man. Ted, right?
Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, I saw
everything last night.
Oh.

Yeah. And by "saw everything,"
I mean I got it all on tape.

And if I'm not being
too presumptuous,
Flip, Barbara,

I still consider
you both to be family.

- Oh.

You know, the groom's
target mishap.

Yeah. The chat with his mom.
All on tape.

Pensee? She's either drunk
or hungover.

Even Ted
didn't come home till dawn.

- Whoa.

Yeah. And I was just about
to upload it to YouTube.

The only man who could stop me
is old Benjamin Franklin.

Okay, okay.

But you can't say anything
till after the wedding, okay?

If I give you money,
that's like a legal contract.

...for longer
than this guy.
She's a slut.

- Yay!

Much appreciated.
You took it.
It's legal.

- Robert. Robert!
- Look who's finally
decided to join us.

Thank you. Hey.

Happy couple alert.
Love it!

Can I get you
some breakfast?

No, no. I'm... full.
I'm not hungry.

Couldn't eat today,
to be honest.

Too nervous?

Hey, Robert, do you mind
if I get you hooked up
with a microphone?

Oh. It's Steve, right?
Yeah, Steve.

Yeah, sure. I--

You know, microphone--
Do I really--

Who wants to hear me today,
you know?

The battery should last
all day, all right?

So just forget you're
even wearing it, man.

Have fun out there.
Just leave all
the shooting to us.

All right.
Got all my principals miked.

My boys Blaze and Sully and I
will be shooting all day,

and in two months,
you will have a feature film
of your magical day.

Two months?

Incidentally,
I am an award-winning
documentarian.

Took home the jury prize
at the Bakersfield International
Student Film Festival.

No big whoop.

Big whoop! So--
It's gonna be great.

Robert, honey.
Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.

Okay. So Pensee is--
Hey. Okay.

No, no. Listen.
We are miked right now.

I'm wearing a microphone,
and these cameras
are shooting us,

so they will hear
everything you will say.

So, what, uh--

What was going on
with Pensee?

How's-- How's the damage
to her car?

Car?
Mm-hmm.

Well, um--
It's a little... dinged?
Uh

But I-I got it's, um,
face bandaged--

Yeah?
As long as sh--
it doesn't pick at it,

it should be fine.

Maybe we should
take her car
to the shop.

Now?
Yes.

We've got wedding photos
coming up.
Really?

Rosemary!

My goodness,
I am so excited!
Oh, good.

You look so perfect,
like a little
Hummel figurine.

I just want to steal
my fiancé for a moment,
if that's okay.

- Yeah.
- Ma'am, may I hook thee up
with a microphone?

You know what?
She doesn't need to be miked.
Yes.

Of course.
No, no, no, no, no.

Of course you get to be miked.
Everyone gets to be
in the movie.

- You just want all
the attention on yourself.
- You know me.

I'm gonna go mike
your mom up, dude.

Hey. I wanna talk to you
for a second.
Hey.

Okay.
I know what you did
last night.

Staying up all night
the night before the wedding?

Oh, boy, you know.

That's such a terrible idea.
I really shouldn't.

Come on.
I'm just kidding, babe.
Okay.

I'm glad you had fun
with your friends.
Yeah.

I do want to know, however,
where is my maid of honor?

Pensee?
Pensee.

The maid of honor
really should be here
at this special brunch.

Yeah. Where--

She just--
She just had a little bit
too much to drink.

Uh-huh.
She's still in her room.

She's hungover.

How irresponsible is that
You guys are really lucky
that I'm here to cover for her.

Yeah.
I'm gonna go
check on her.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait.
W-W-W-Wait.

I will come with you.
Yeah.

Oh. Are you--
Okay.
Yeah.

Yeah?
Oh, yeah.

Yeah?
Yeah!

Okay.

Okay.

Hey. So, uh,
did you take care of it?

What?
The--

- Your vows.
- Oh, shit. Shit.
I gotta--

Okay. Okay.

I gotta get on that.

Gone again?

Man stuff.

Oh, wait. You know, uh--

...is sick. It was
coming out both ends.

And her Aunt Flo
is in town, so--
all three ends.

Pen-- Pensee.
It's Rosemary.

Are you sick, babe?

Oh, Rosemary. Oh, my God.
I think that maybe I--

Yvette.
I'm out here too.

Hi, Yvette.
Hi.

Let me come in--
No, no, no, no, no.

You don't need anything,
do you?

- You'll be better in time
for the photos, right?
- Uh--

Pensee? You just stay
in there like a good girl.

You drink lots of water.
You do not let anyone
in the room.

You don't want anyone
to see the way your--

uh, your condition
is looking.

Okay?

Okay.

Love you, dear.
Okay.

Okay.
Yeah. You're fine.

Don't worry about her.
She is going to be fine.

Hey, everyone out there
in Pensee land.

Like a goof, I got hurt
at the wedding weekend.

I don't want to make a scene
or do anything stupid, so,

I'm gonna sneak out the window
and run through the woods
to the highway...

and then take a taxi
to the hospital.

And I'm bringing you all
along with me, guys.

Wish me luck!

You know. It's, uh--

Everything happens for
a reason, even accidents.

There's a thing
called happy accidents,
you know?

It's possible all life
on Earth began
by accident.

Pensee?

Pensee?

This is harder
than I expected.

Oh. Uh--

Ow.

Oh, God.

Okay.

But I'm sticking to it,
guys.

You gotta believe in yourself
and find your greatness, right?

Pensee? Pensee!

What on earth
are you doing?

Don't worry.
No one will see.

It's broad daylight!

You come back in here
right now, young lady.
You will ruin everything!

Come in.
No, no.

You come in right now.
Don't pull on it.
Don't you dare.

Come in!
You're the devil
and you know it!

It's my wedding,
and you won't ruin it!

It's not
your wedding. It's Robert
and Rosemary's wedding.

Fine! But you're ruining it!

Stop! You're gonna
make me fall!

Pensee?

Oh. You don't want
to go in there.

I have to get
some Pepto.

**

Ted! Ted!

Could you come with me
for a moment, please?

Can you just let me
eat this Danish, please?

This is an emergency.
Mm-hmm.

It's about Pensee's, uh--

diarrhea.
Oh.

It's gotten very messy.
Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay.
Let's go. Let's go.
Let's go.

Hurry up.

Oh, my God!

Oh, man up, Ted!

Oh. Mmm.
Breathe in, breathe out.

I'll get you a paper bag
in a second.

The one thing
I didn't understand...

is that you're
at a wedding this weekend--
Babe. Babe. Stop talking.

Stop. Listen to
what I am saying, okay?

I got this fuckin' thing
on my lip.

I don't know what it is.

Go to the computer,
fire up WebMed.

Just-- I'm gonna
shoot the thing on my lip...

and I'm gonna play it back
so I can describe it to you.

I don't know what it is,
and that affects both of us.

Yeah. Yeah.
That's the point, retard.
Thank you.

I don't care about
this thing on your lip.
I'm trying--

Fucking ridiculous.

Should we call a doctor?

She's dead.
She can't get any deader.

Should we bury her?

There's no time
for that, Ted.

Besides, Pensee would have
wanted us to just
hide her corpse.

What about that?
Ooh, that's good thinking.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, my God.
That is fucked up.

Get her arm--
Hold on.

Here. Hold on.
Do you have any lotion?

Maybe we could, like,
grease her up.

We'll just cram it down
with the lid.
Just cram the lid down.

I don't-- Oh.

Are they-- Oh, sh--
Is that the cameraman?

Um, excuse me.

Mr. Cameraman?
This isn't what--

Could we talk to you
for a second?

- Grab that rock!

What the fuck
are you doing?
No, that rock!

Dude, I'm just high.
I just imagined--

What
You fucking--

- Don't run from me.
Stop it!

Come on, man! I'll give you
back the money, dude!

Get his head.

No. Oh, shit!

I think I killed him.
I had to, right?

He could have had a gun.
You think he may
have a gun, right?

He could have had a
Y-Yes. Well, always
best to play it safe.

How am I gonna tell my wife
she married someone...

who hit someone in the head
with a rock and then he died?
Ted.

What?
You're not going
to tell your wife.

I tell her everything.
She knows everything.
It's why she doesn't like me.

Here you are.
I was starting to think
you were ignoring me.

What? No, honey.

I'm just--
I was distracted.

My dad's been looking for you.
He said you guys were supposed
to have a man-to-man talk.

Yeah. Yeah.
You said you were into it.

Yeah, I gotta go see him.

You all right, baby?
Yeah. Excuse me.

I gotta talk to my mom
real fast.

See you at
the wedding photos!

Mom? Mom.
Mom, Mom, Mom.

I'm in the middle
of something.
I can see that, Mom.

Why do you have
an ax?

I got it
off one of the gardeners.

Rodrigo has everything.
Oh, yeah?

That doesn't really
answer my question, Mom.

This doesn't have anything
to do with Pensee's, uh,
car trouble?

Um, y--

It died.

Huh? She--
Pensee's car died.

You said--
You said she was--
it was fine, Mom.

Uh, it was.

Then it fell out a window
and died.

Then one of the cameramen--
Mm

His car died too.

What are you
talking about, Mom?

His car--
Yeah?

saw Pensee's car--
Uh-huh.

then wanted
to ruin the wedding,
so Ted...

hit it with a rock.

Oh, Robert.
There you are, my boy.
Oh, hey!

Uh-- Don't worry.
Your mother is looking out
for you.

You just keep
enjoying yourself.
Okay.

Where are the cars
now, Ma?

Everything okay?
Yeah.

No, Judge--
Your Honor. Sir.
Everything's great.

I think it's high time that
you learned to call me Flip.

- Ah. Yes, sir, Flip.
- Whoa.

We are pleased as punch
to welcome you
into the Milton family.

Well, I am honored
to be a part
of your family, sir.

You know what?
Can I just talk to my dad for
one minute, while we're here?

Excuse me real quick.
Hey, Dad?

Mom's, uh--
I need you to watch
out for her, okay?

'Cause she's getting
a little crazy
with her wedding planning.

Robbie. She's always been crazy.

I know that you guys
aren't on good terms
right now, okay?

But I really need you
right now.

Make sure she doesn't
do anything out
of the ordinary, okay?

Yeah. If that's
what you need me to do.
Okay. That's what I need.

Uh, Robert? Come on in.
Yeah. Here I come!

- Here I come, Pop!
- Do you know what
they're having for dinner?

It's kind of weird,
isn't it, having all
these cameras around here?

I have an election
coming up in November, Robert.

Charles Beaumont
is really gunning for my seat,

just waiting for me
to slip up.

Okeydokey.
Uh, excuse me.

Ted?

I got an ax.
No! I don't want
to cut him up!

The key, I find,

is one must live
one's life in private...

just as honorably
and forthrightly
as one does in public.

That makes sense.

Since I do have
an election coming up--

Anything you need
to tell me, Robert?

Any skeletons in the closet?

Your closet?

No. This is man's work,
and this body's too big
to carry around.

Look, we have to make it
look like a Mexican
drug cartel did it.

Isn't that smart?
Come on.

What was that?
Do you hear something?

No. You're just being paranoid.
Come on. Take the ax.
No. Shh.

Oh. Uh--

See-See who it is.

No! I know what that means.

God. I have to do
everything around here.

Shh.

- Oh!

Not a good time, Hank.

What the hell
happened to him?

Mmm--
Uh--

Why don't you
just come clean, huh?

I'm gonna find out
the whole truth
about it anyway.

Hank?
Yeah?

You want--
You want your son
to get married, right?

Of course.
Yeah.

Is this guy dead?

And you trust me,
right?

Not particularly.

I had a D.U.I.
when I was 23.
Huge mistake.

Deeply regret it, man.

- Good.

- I knew all about that.
- Hey!

I was just
giving you a test.
All right!

Now, honey,
chop up this body.

This creepo here, he was--

He was trying to take
this special day...

away from Robbie, you know--

Away from us.

You may be many
not-so-great things,

Hank Fletcher,

but you--
you have always been
a good father.

Robbie--

Robbie needs his daddy
right now.

How small
you want the pieces?

Oh, probably
like 10 total.

I've never
done this before.

I'll start with the legs
and work my way up.

- We shouldn't be doing this.
- Oh, hush, Ted.

Okay. You, uh--

You-- You do it--

Oh, God.
Hank.

You know, for--
for Robbie.

Let me just...

get him ready here.

Okay.

Ooh.

Oh, God.

Okay.

This brings back memories
of the farm.

Cutting a cord of wood
for Dad.

Ooh. Okay.
Here goes nothing.

What the hell?

- My God!

You said he was dead!

I'm sorry, buddy.
It's okay.

You just cut
my fucking foot off,
you human piece of shit!

Make him be quiet!

I'm trying to reason
with him.

You just
chopped off his foot.

Why would he
reason with you?
Do something!

Fuckin' piece of--

Oh, my God!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God!

Fuck you people!

Fucking bitch!

I'll never-- You're going down!

Hey, bitch! Fuck you!

What the fuck did
I ever do to you people?

You're trying to stand in
the way of my son's happiness.

I'm not trying to do that.
I don't even know you.

No, no. No, dude! Dude!
We can hang out.
I'm totally cool--

I did it again!
- Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck!
Just witnessed a murder!

I just filmed
a fucking murder!

Blaze!
It's not a huge loss,
but it's a human life.

The life of
an award-winning documentarian
is a dangerous one,

but it is the path
I have chosen.

For Blaze.

You okay, Yvette?

Oh.

I'm fine.

Hank.
You tried to protect me.

Well... sure, I--
You're a lady.

Ted, you look like
you could use some rest.

Why don't you go clean up?
Hank and I
can take care of this.

Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna--

Oh.

Oh, my goodness.

You're hurt. Oh.

Let me patch you up.
Just let me find something.

Oh, Hank.

Maybe we should finish
cutting him into pieces so--

You are such a boy.

Take your shirt off.

Leave your top off.

Whoa!
Oh!

**

**

**
It's-- It's really
not necessary, Marvin.

We could just
put on the radio.

Listen, when
you hire DJ Awesome-sauce,

you get the full package.

I know how to set the mood
for some lady pamperin'!

**
He's been through a lot
in the war.

He was such
a sweet little boy.

**

You're doing
a wonderful job, Marvin.

Aunt Barbara!

**

Oh, my gosh.

I hate to bring this up,
but at some point...

you're gonna have to
consider just replacing Pensee.

You need a fully functioning
maid of honor
to do important tasks like...

bouquet management
and train wrangling.

Oh, hey.
Where have you been?
Are you okay?

- Oh. I am great.
- Oh.

What's not to love on a...
perfect day like this?

Knock, knock, knock.
Is everybody decent?

- Oh. Ladies.

I know it's bad luck
for the groom to see the bride,

but it's just my bad luck
that I am not the groom.

Seriously, I came
to deliver this.

Oh. Well, thank you.

What a lovely package.

You didn't have to
do that. Thank you.

Oh!
Yes.

Yeah, I know
it's your favorite.

In fact, the funny thing is,
whenever I smell it,

I still--

think of you.

I was thinking you could
wear it for the ceremony.

Oh.

- Y-Y-Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Thank you.
My pleasure.
Absolute pleasure.

Please.

- Mother.
- Yo. Sully.

Hey, Steve. I'm getting
some pretty good stuff, man.

Okay. Good, good.
Great. Great.

Uh, listen.
You... seen Blaze around?

He's probably
around here somewhere
getting high.

- You know how he does it.
- Yeah.

- But his phone's
going to voice mail.

- Fuckin' Blaze. Always been
a little unreliable, right?
- Yeah.

Trust me, bro.
Never gonna hire
that bitch again.

Is it just me,
or is something really weird
going on here today?

I mean, people are actually
starting to avoid the cameras.

Hey. Look.
Just-- Just--

Just stay on task,
okay, Sully?

It's just you and me
now, man.

Forever.

Hey. Proud of you.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.
And I mean that.
- Thank you.

- Proud.
- I feel it.

Okay. All right.

- Hey, and whatever you do,
just don't stop filming.
- Okay.

Okay? Keep that shit
rolling.
I will.

At all times.

Okay. Okay.

Mika, look how pretty
Mommy looks, hmm?

How are you, Mika?

Huh?

Ted. You scared the shit
out of me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No! No. No.

What have you
been doing?

I can't tell you.
It's a secret.

We don't keep secrets.

- Hi, Mika.

I can't tell anyone.
I promised. It'll ruin
the entire wedding.

Fine. You and Robert
are up to some lamebrained
scheme then?

You don't have to tell me.

Robert shot Pensee,
and she fell out of a window
and she died.

The cameraman saw it
and I had to hit him
in the head with a rock,

but then he didn't die,
so I chopped him in the head
with an ax!

And Yvette made me promise
not to say anything
until the wedding was over,

since Pensee would have wanted
it that way, for Rosemary
to have a perfect day.

And if you divorce me,
I won't fight you. You can
have everything. I'm sorry.

Pensee's dead?
Super dead.

That means Rosemary's going
to need a new maid of honor.
Sure.

You need to get cleaned up
and into your suit. The pictures
are about to happen.

And, Ted?
What?

Fix your hair.

I'll put water on it.
Mika?

Mommy has to go!
She's about to be promoted
to maid of honor!

**
Robert, Rosemary,

you're gonna be
the most beautiful couple
ever in history.

And I love you
very, very much.

Rosemary, listen to this.
This is gold, okay?

We went to an obedience class
with our dog,

but secretly, I was
listening to the trainer...

because I thought,
"I might be able to use these
skills in real life."

And it worked.

We-- We love you.
Say something else.

Does this remind you
of something?

- You know--
- I mean, food incentive
is everything to a man.

Robert. Robert.

Robert and Rosemary,
I think the foundation
of a good marriage...

is sex.

**

Love, love.

Just stop it.
Okay.

She knows.
I told her everything.
I'm sorry.

What is wrong with you?

She seems cool
with it though.

She does?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, people.
I charge by the second, okay,
so all eyes on me.

Um, we are missing somebody.
Somebody in white?

Hi.

Oh, wait. Where is--
Where's Pensee?

She's seriously
still not down yet?

Oh, uh-- She must still
be feeling sick.

- Actually-- Oh, I hate
telling you this,

but she left.

She told me that this place
was total lamesville...

and that she had to go
find a place...

to get drunk and find a guy
and have casual sex with him.

Uh, that doesn't sound
like Pensee.

Actually, she said
the same thing to me,

and she wasn't wearing
any panties, so--

It might be time for you
to choose a new maid of honor.

It's just--
You know, I don't think
she's coming back.

Violet, will you
step in for Pensee
while I figure all this out?

- Of course.
- Thank you.

Okay, yay. Crisis averted.
Okay, picture time, okay? Um--

If we could clear
a path here...

and everyone gather
around the trunk.

This will be
a beautiful shot of you guys.

Are we-- You know, are we
sure that we want to take
the pictures here?

Isn't it a little--
I don't know

You know, I--
I think that it's
this trunk, actually.

What if we took the pictures
over there? Look over there.

Wouldn't it be beautiful
if we took the pictures
over by those trees?

If you feel that strongly
about it, why don't we
just move the trunk?

Yes. Move the trunk.

Pay no attention to me.
Women, right?

Let's just
take the pictures.

Yeah, let's take the pictures.
I love that idea.

Love it.
Everyone, here, here.
Intense, intense.

Yes. Hide that secret.
Keep that secret. I love it.

Yes, yes. I just did
something really bad
and nobody knows.

Okay, now I need the groomsmen,
all you boys.

Okay, hold on.
Okay, we're losing light.

So can you guys move the bench
a few feet to the left?

- Oh, yeah.
I got it.
- No, no, no.

I got it.
Let me do it.

I don't care who does it.

Why is this so heavy?
Well, uh--

...heavy in here.

Say, Hank--
Can I call you Hank?

May I just say,
Hank, uh--

You know what
This is what we're gonna do.

I'm just gonna sit here
for all these, okay?
Just like this.

You know what?
Ted's gonna sit here too.
Just the two of us on the b--

Hey, come on. Come on.
Everybody on top.

Just like this for the rest of
the photos. They're all gonna
look like this, okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.

Okay. Let's stand up.
- No, no. I like this look.

That's my big thing.

How about we stand up,
Robert?

Hey, red! Hey, red!

Take the shot, red!
Clickity-click.
Clickity-click it.

There has been
a lot of sitting.

Happy. Yay!
We're getting married.
It's not a funeral.

Robert. Robert. Robert.
Mm

Hey.
Hey.

Today's our wedding day.
I know.

I want you to be here.
I'm here.

With me. Okay? Did something
happen last night?

No.
What's going on?

Okay.
Maybe after
we're done here,

we can just have a moment,
just the two of us?
Yeah.

Just like you and I,
away from everybody else?

I would love that.
I would love that.
Just you and me.

You mean that?
Yeah. Of course.

I'd like that. Okay?

Yes.
I don't think
she knew him that well.

Tons of phrases.
"Shut your yap."

Oh. Hey.
We're so glad
to have you here.

Part of my--

And--

Psst.
Robert.

We gotta talk.

I hate to be
the bearer of bad news,

but there are
some shady operations
going on around here.

Like what?

This morning, when I went
to be with the guns,
like any other morning,

it looked as if
the lock had been forced.

And a shotgun
had been fired.
That's probably just some kids.

Then, after that,
there's been
disappearances.

Pensee.

I went by her room,

where she's supposedly
crippled with the runs.

But when I broke in,
she wasn't there.

And her toilet...

was clean.

And one of the cameramen
is missing too.

I've been
gathering evidence,

recording everything
with my spy cam.

Oh, sh--

And I think I've
pretty much figured out
who's responsible.

Fuck me.
Who?

Ted?

Look in his eyes.
I've seen that
before.

That's a man who's
just been in the shit
for the first time.

I'll shadow him.
No, no, no, no.

No, no.
No, don't follow him.

No, no, it can't be Ted
because Ted's been
with me all day.

So-- You know
who it could be?

You know who it could be?

Declan!

Rosemary's
handsome English ex?

He's not that handsome.
He's cute.

But-- No!
Pensee and the cameraman
and Declan together.

A nefarious scheme
to ruin the wedding.

Yeah.
He said some suspicious
stuff earlier.

And then he laughed like--

Okay,
that's suspicious.
Yeah.

I'm on the case.
Go get 'em.
Yeah.

Make love to the camera.
Or me. Love it.

We can chop her up later.
That'll make it really look
like a Mexican drug cartel.

- We can mix and match.
- Mom. Mom. Dad. Mom.

Why is Pensee's car
in the "you know"?

Oh.

Honey, I didn't know
they were gonna use
the "you know" in the pictures.

But don't worry about it.
Your father and I
will dispose of it.

I asked you
to keep an eye on her, Dad,
not to help her.

I haven't taken
my eyes off her once.

You're so sweet.
Thanks.

What-- What--

What's going on, guys?
You guys hate each other.

We can't rekindle
our old flame?

- Mmm!
- Mm-mmm-mmm!

Ew!

Where was this attitude
when I was 12?

Would've saved me
a lot of trips
to the school counselor.

Oh, honey, don't you see
that everything-- everything
happens for a reason.

There's magic
in the air.
Magic.

Magic. Magic.
We're all going to jail!

Hey!

And Marvin--
Marvin knows too,
by the way.

He knows
something's going on.

Maybe I should
have your father, um,

talk to him.

No. No!

Marvin is harmless.
Okay?

I sent him
on a wild-goose chase.
All right?

Hey, you guys,
no more doing anything.
No more helping.

You think of doing something,
you do the different. Okay?

This is my wedding,
my rules. Promise me!

Promise me!
Don't do anything! Promise!

Okay.
Okay.

- All right.

Okay.

Calm down.
He's so excitable.

I know.
I don't know where he--

Where did you learn
to dance like this?

**

Swift, silent and deadly.

Hey!
Hey.

Has my future husband
made a little time for me?
All the time in the world.

Yeah, right.

Ho-ho! Whoa!
Robert.

Just wanted to let you know--
I have taken care of it.

You can rest easy.

Good. Great. Thanks.

Wait. What?
Take care of what?

El problemo...

with "Eclan"...

acting "espicious."

- Es no problemo.
- I know what that means.

Why don't you take a look
at that picture of...

that guy...
I was telling you about,
doing that funny thing.

Don't look,
Rosemary.
What's wrong?

Oh, that's
the cutest little kitten
I've ever seen.

Do you remember
that kitten?

Baby. Baby, I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna be right back.
No. No. No.

I gotta go look at some
pictures of the kittens.
There's so many kittens!

Robert!
Oh, look at the pictures
of the kittens!

Unbelievable.

Ohh.

I didn't ask you...

to kidnap him.

Just doing
my duty.

He's been keeping quiet
about his plans...

and where his coconspirators
are hiding.
Oh, my--

But I will
get it out of him.

I have been waiting to do this
to an enemy combatant...

for a while.

No, you can't torture him! Okay?
I was speculating earlier!

Robert, I-- I swear I'm not
here to ruin the wedding.

Declan--
Robert, I swear
on my life.

I'm so sorry.
I'm a friend.

This guy's--

Some friend!

I'm sorry.
Robert.

Jesus-- Oh, God!

What are you
planning?

Why do you hate
American freedoms?

I don't. I'm from England.

We're allies.

These colors don't run,
terrorist.

What?

Oh, good Lord.
You do know our flags
are the same colors.

You fuckin'... motherfucker!

No! No! No!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Stop!
Stop it!

All right!
I admit it!

I-- I'm here to
steal Rosemary back.

- Oh, yeah.

I was on my way
to convince her
to run away with me,

you boring sot!

You were always
so nice to me.

Well, I was playing you
for a fool,

you twat!

Soldier.
Huh?

Detain this man
till after the ceremony.

It would be
my pleasure.
R-Robert, no. Help.

You have to help me.

Are you
fucking kidding me?

Rodrigo is the best.

So how many stiffs
you got, woman?

Sully!

Just the two.
Get the fuck over here.

We had to fold her in
and kind of pushed her down.

You want to pick her up
by the torso. Come on.
What's going on?

Okay, don't--
don't react.

Just... look at this.

You got her?

Grab-- Oh!

Here, I got her leg.
I got her leg.

Is that chick
fuckin' dead?
Shh! Don't--

Just you and me,
Harry Potter.

Just me and you,
boy.

Don't. Don't!

Okay, now help me--
We gotta call the cops.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Or...

we could keep shooting.

Oh, you limeys
are such pussies.

Back in the corps,
we used to shock ourselves
for fun!

We got a serious murder story
happening here at
the Milton's family wedding.

We're getting it
on H.D., man!

Do you have any idea
how much we could sell
this doc for?

I'm kinda thinking
that this could be
Oscar nomination material, man.

You're naughty!
Here I come!
Oh, no, no! Uh-oh!

We could kinda become
like those journalists
who gained the trust...

of criminals or--
or warlords.

Hello?

Hello!

You think
we're in danger?
Definitely.

I mean,
where's Blaze?

Oh, Blaze is--

halfway home.

Sent him early with some
incriminating footage to,
you know, ensure our safety.

Oh, you're
a genius, Steve.

A genius.
Yeah, I know.

Tell me about it, bro.

One, two, three--

Oh!
There you are!

What in holy hog's hell...

am I paying
you clowns for?

I mean, here you are,
diddling around.

My daughter, the bride--

You remember
meeting her?

There's not
a single camera
on her.

Extremely sorry,
Judge Milton.

Sully, why don't you
hop up and go grab some
Rosemary footage

What I am paying
you two goons,

this better be
the best damn
wedding video ever.

It's gonna be killer.

Steve thinks we'll get
an Oscar nomination for it.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Nothin'.

Hair of the dog, buddy.
Yeah. Come on. Let me hear.

You ready to ush the shit
out of this wedding, buddy?

Hell, yeah, I am.
I was born to ush shit.
Hell, yeah! Come on!

Ush! Ush! Ush! U--

You guys part of
the wedding?
Yeah. We're ushers.

- Hey, you're the priest!
- I'm a pastor.

Sorry.
Okay, you guys, uh--

Point me in the direction
of the bride and groom.
My Jag, it's been acting up.

Oh, yeah, about that--
the groom's missing.

We're keeping that
on the D.L., though,
so, you know... be cool?

Yeah, I'm cool.
I get paid by the hour.
Right. See-- Hey!

F.Y.I., the guests are
starting to seat themselves.

I'll be in the bar.

Priest
just took my beer.

**

My future honey,
um, is--

I hope that I can find you
so that we can
actually get married.

And then all will be well
and... we'll be in love,
and hopefully, uh--

Have you guys seen him, or--
Not happening?

Uh, no. I don't know.
I mean, what do you guys want?

Love you, bunny.

* It's a long way home

* But, ah, we can make it

I'm not sure if it's going.

Is the red light on?
Uh, I don't know.

Where's the red light
supposed to be? Hold on.

I The l--
There's a red spot on the lens.

It's a red light.
Okay, hold on. Red light,
red light, red light.

They got so many buttons
on these things these days.

I'm gonna try this.

Uh, yeah, I think that's it.
I think I got it.
I think it's going.

Oh. Hey. That doesn't
look too bad, does it?

That looks great.

You look pretty good too.

Hi. Hi!

Okay, we got 10 minutes.
We gotta go quick.
We gotta make this quick.

You know how to--
That was great.

Game face, bitch.

We got, like, three choices
for dinner tonight.
Yeah.

The beef--
Yeah, that's good. That's good.

The beef is good.
Real good beef!

Mm-hmm!
That's good beef.

Uh--

Yes?

Uh, who is it?
It's Steve.

- Could I come in
for a minute?
- Oh, uh, no.

Um, I-I can't come
to the door right now.

I'm, um-- I'm--
Having sex,
for Pete's sake!

Hank!

Yeah, okay. Well--

I kinda feel like
it's important
that I speak to you.

Oh, for God's sake--
About the dead bodies
in your room?

Now, I know that you killed
the maid of honor
and my cameraman.

I've got the footage.

But-But I'm not here to
get you guys in trouble. Okay?

I just--
I want to talk to you.

Hey.
Come on in.

Okay--
No! Jesus.

Okay, wait,
wait, wait.

Just-- Just wait.
All right?

You've got
the wrong idea.
Okay? I'm not--

I'm not gonna
tell anyone.

I'm here
under official capacity.

You know,
videographer-client
privilege.

Plus, I've not gotten
any footage of you,
Yvette, in that dress.

So back then we lived
in a house with Robert
and four other guys.

Three bedrooms.
This tiny house.

And--
Oh.
Hey, Rosemary.

Sorry.
Have you guys
seen Robert?

No--
I'm sorry.

Did you check his room?
Yes.
I'm going insane!

Dude, can you not
film me right now?

I mean it!

Fuck, she's fast.

"Everybody makes mistakes.

We need to forgive
and forget.

And forgive.

And forget.

And forgive
and forget."

Rosemary.

Oh, Robert. Quick.
Come with me.
Where are we going?

Just keep up.
What's wrong?
Are they coming?

I'm not taking anyone's side.

I'm just saying it doesn't seem
that important who Rosemary
chooses as her maid of honor,

'cause I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life in prison.

Don't be so dramatic!

And shut the door.
It reeks of puke in here!

A bride is supposed to be
stress-free on her wedding day.

That's why it's so very,
very important to choose
the right maid of honor.

Right, Mika?

It's Violet.

Oh! Cute dog.

Um, have you seen
Rosemary?

She's running around everywhere,
and she's gonna get
her dress all dirty.

Just trying to find her.

Shouldn't a maid of honor
keep more careful track
of her bride?

Wow.

So, you were a bitch
to Pensee all weekend,

and now you're gonna be
a bitch to me?

I'm sorry that you and Rosemary
aren't best friends anymore.

Get over yourself.

You know what?

You're right.

Rosemary's
in Yvette's room.

She told me to tell you
not even to knock.

Just head right in.
Thank you.

Your room
smells like vomit,
by the way. Ugh.

You did something.
What did you do?

Just maybe toss the bangs
a little bit in front.

Oh.
Just give 'em a quick toss.
Perfect.

Perfect!
And this is all good?

She looks good.
Yeah.
First question.

Well, I'm not really sure
that I understand the logic...

behind
chopping the bodies up.

I don't really think I get
what that accomplishes.

Yvette says the cops'll think
the Mexican cartel did it.

Well, yeah,
that's what they--

That's what they do
to their victims, you know,
to send a message. Right?

Oh, right.
Chop, chop, chop.

But you guys have never
thought about burning
the bodies, you know?

Destroy the evidence?

Oh.

Your maid of honor
coming through!

Shh-shh-shh.

I'm not trying to have
the perfect wedding.

It's just--
Look, I don't--

It's like you've been
a zombie all day.

I don't get it.
Is this a hangover?

Did something
happen last night?
Did you get a hooker?

No.
That was a joke.

There...
is a very simple
explanation...

for all of this.

I'll get the ax.

Oh, Hank, wait. We--
We made a promise to Robbie.
Remember?

Oh
Okay.

I don't even know
where you would get
a hooker out here.

No, it's nothing
like that.
Then what is it?

Baby,
you're freaking me out.
Just talk to me.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, God.

It's the wedding.

I'm just worried
it's not gonna be perfect...

and something's
gonna go wrong.

That's it?
Yeah.

Baby, that's not your job.
That's not your job
to worry about those things.

That's why we have
our families here.

Violet, honey, you--
you want Robert
and Rosemary...

to be happy,
don't you?

Yes.
Okay.

Well, we've had...

some accidents, um--

And we'll tell everyone
all about it, but later.

Even if the wedding sucks,

or-- or Marvin interrupts us
with dubstep...

or your mother causes
an inevitable scene--

Everything
we're doing...

is out of love.

it'll still be a success
if, at the end of the day,
we end up married.

You wouldn't want to
spoil everything for her.

Would you?

So I think...

we can count on you
keeping a secret.

What have you
been doing,
specifically?

I--

I was, uh--

Hello?

I've been working
on my vows.

You what?
Yeah.

You told me
you finished those
weeks ago.

Seriously.

I'm rewriting them.
Goddamn it, Robert.

I'm adding to them.
I'm embellishing.
Yeah, right.

Jailbreak!

We got a runner!

Oh--

Oh!

**

**

**
Here we are.

Here we are.

Violet.

See anything
interesting lately
or anything?

You can't even
write your vows.

How hard is it gonna be
to just say that you wanna
be with me, Robert?

I do! Are you kidding?
You're not ready to
get married. I knew it.

No!
That's all I want.

So--

Why is everyone
being so mysterious?

It's a surprise!

You little limey!

If it was up to me,
you and I would run off
right now. Okay?

We'd get the hell out of here,
leave our families behind
and elope in Vegas or something.

Let's do that.
Come on!

The reception!
The reception.

I love surprises.

Everybody wins.
She knows too.

Are you sure
she can be trusted?

Not in the slightest.
Don't let her
out of your sight.

What?
Come on. Let's run away.
You and me, right now!

No, no, no! Come on!
What about
our families?

Who cares about them?
They're gonna be fine--

Oh, my God!
What?

What?
Mmm.

Oh, God. Whoa!
Yeah.

Let's do it.
Let's fucking elope.

Robert.
Robert, I just said
let's elope!

At the ceremony!
I'll be there!

What the fuck is going on
around here today?

Oww! Oww.

**

Marvin!
Marvin, wait up!

Wait up.
You let him go?

Uh, he outwitted me.

But don't worry.
I injected a tracking device
into his buttocks.

Where in the hell
is that boy?

Everyone,
just calm down.

I'll go and, you know,
poke around for him.

Please.

You can't be marrying
somebody like that.
They're just beneath us.

- Okay, we're all standing
under the same sun, so--
- Yeah, yeah. Moving on.

We're hot too.
Let me know.

We'll keep you posted.

Jesus. The natives
are getting restless, man.

What is going on in there?
Everybody's acting
really weird.

Ted!
Get your head in the game.

He's coming back this way!

Ooh! Ooh!
Flank him! Flank him!

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Hang on!

Fine!

- Ohh!
- No! Fine! I yield!

- Ah!
- I said I yield!

Okay, okay.
Cheap shot. Cheap shot.

You people
are insane!

I'm not the one
trying to steal
another man's wife!

She's not
even your wife yet!

I should have married her
when I had the chance.

If you liked it,
you should've put
a ring on it!

You-- You can't keep me
prisoner forever.

Yeah, we can.

What do you think Rosemary's
gonna say when she finds out
that you abducted me...

and subjected me
to torture?

All right,
here's what we're
gonna do.

Marvin, here's what
we're gonna do.

You're going to take him
to the house. Okay?

And then you get
all your shit, all right?

And then you leave, right now,
and you never contact Rosemary
ever again.

Oh, well, let me think
about that for a second.

Uh, no. I'm sorry.
Not gonna do that.

- Okay.
- I'll never let her go!

Oh, really?
Yes! Never, never!

Marvin?

What--
You got a little blood.

You might wanna
soak that.

What--
I'll take care
of the body.

Just worry about
getting cleaned up and...

not being late
for your own wedding.

Why'd you--

Why?

Why did y--
Why'd you do that?

You asked me to.

No, I thought
you'd intimidate--

Thought you'd just
intimidate him.

He was a loose end.

You don't want this douche
bird-doggin' you the rest
of your life. Come on!

It's time for you
to go get married.

Go forward without fear,

brave soldier.

Go on.

**

How do you feel about
losing her to another man?

Well, uh, I certainly
wasn't going to lose her
to another woman.

I mean, all you can do
is take these things
with grace.

You're so graceful.

I just love
when family is around.

It just think
that it's--

It's okay.
That's--

It's so cool
to be around people
that are real...

and that are not
trying to shoot you.

**

I do hope Robert's
not bothering too much--

the unfortunate events
that happened.

Robert.
Oh, there he is.

Robert!
What happened?

Honey, are you--
are you okay?

Mommy's got everything
covered.

The wedding
is about to start.

Excuse me! E-Excuse me.
Can I have your attention?
Hello?

Hi. Uh, listen,
uh, we're running
a little late, um--

You always loved
getting dirty.

But you clean up
so nice.

I-I'm a terrible person,
Mom.

What?

Robbie, no.
Why would you even say that?

'Cause Pensee's dead.

Look at her.

Robert, you had nothing
to do with that.
I shot her in the face.

And this guy,
I don't even know--

Look, Robert, honey--
What happened
to this guy?

I will take
all the responsibility.

There's no point
ruining your life
because of your father and me.

Do you remember the story
of the Giving Tree?

The kids' book?

It was about
a little boy...

and his tree.

Then one day...

the boy grows up...

and he falls in love
with a girl,

and he wants a house.

So the tree tells him
to cut her down...

so that he can
build the house.

Did the tree
kill people, Mom?

That's a different story,
Son.

Honey,
do you love Rosemary?

Yes. What--
Of course I do. It's--

Do you want to
break her heart?
No, Ma!

Well, you're going to
break her heart if you don't
go out there and marry her.

That, Robbie--
That is your future.

**

I don't get it.
It's like he's acting crazy.

Sometimes men...

just need to work things out
on their own.

Maybe he went
looking for Pensee.

What?

I am going to
wring his little neck.

No one makes a fool
out of Flip Milton.
No one.

**

Yeah, okay. Perfect.

I'll fucking
break his neck!

Control yourself, Philip.

Did you find Robert?

Uh, y-yes. He spilled,
like, a cocktail sauce
all over the front of his shirt.

He had to go change,
but he's gonna be right down.
Oh!

Nobody worry.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

- Golden stuff.

Golden nuggets
of good stuff.

- White people are crazy.
- Fuck, yes.

- They are fucking retarded.
- Really, man.

- I'm scared.
- No, I know.

- I'm scared.
- I'm scared,
and I'm the whitest guy here.

- I'm scared, and I'm
the blackest guy here.
- You are, seriously,

the blackest g--
You're the only black guy here.

- I know.
- You've noticed. Cool.

Nothing we can't fix.

Violet, can I speak
with you for a minute?

I have a question
for the maid of honor.
That's your area, right?

- Is there something
you want to tell people?

Tell people?

No.

No.

She has been
my best friend...

since second grade.

I was there for her
for freshman 15.

Okay?

I was there
for her first period.

- She was my best friend!

Don't you understand that?

She's my best friend!
I'm supposed to be
the maid of honor!

You pig!

Die!

Have you seen my wife?

Elizabeth?

I'll be right there!

Oh, shit.

Just pretend
I'm not here.

Ted, quick!
Kill him!

What
Why are we killing him?

No, now, wait a second.
I mean--

Don't. Ted. You're a good man.
Listen to your heart.
Don't fight me.

Get those idiots
Neil and Cooper to get
the audience started to seat.

What the hell
is going on?

Uh-- Nothing.
Just-- Just, uh,

gettin' some sweet
B-roll footage,
that's all.

Everything's cool,
right?

Yeah. Right.
Everything's cool.

Judge.

I'm afraid I have
some really bad news.

Violet left.

I think she got
a call from Pensee,

and now they're
partying together.

- She was swearing a lot
when she left.
Oh, Jesus.

Elizabeth,
the judge is going to bring
everyone in the bridal party...

back to that room.

I don't know what the hell
is going on around here.

Is there anyone else
who wants to leave?

Because I sure as hell do.

You did it
just to be maid of honor?

Well, she just could not
be trusted.

What has happened to you?

Oh, just shut up
and help me.

I know. It's okay.

Loving it?
Yep.

It's not my actual--

This is so exciting!

I just hope that Robert's
actually coming this time.

This way.

Ohh!

Oh, what a beautiful spread!

The pink is cute.

Mmm!

There you are. Come on.
Let's get you to your place.

Where's Rosemary?
I need to talk to her.

You'd better not be
breaking her heart.
I gotta talk to her!

Oh, fuck. I wish we
would start this wedding.
She's in here.

Potty mouth!

- Here he is, everyone!
- Honey. Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.
Where have you been?

Look, I've been around.
I've been here. I'm so sorry.
I need you to know I screwed up.

What did you do?
It doesn't matter.

What's important is that I love
you and I want to marry you
right now. Come on! Let's go!

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! It's Violet!

Why is her face
like that?

All over the floor!

We can get the floors
done, honey.

Did that sound
like screams?

It's probably fine.

Oh.

This is good.
Mmm.

Oh, shit. My tux.

* You'll never be alone

* You'll never be alone
tonight *

Oh, my God!
Violet's dead!

It must have been
an accident.
Or a suicide.

Clearly
she was murdered.

Christ.
Honey, give me my phone.

No, no, no.
You don't need to call
the police. I did it.

- I killed her.
- Mom, no, no.

I-I did it to keep the wedding
perfect for my little boy
and for you, Rosemary.

I committed
all of the murders.
I'm the Giving Tree.

All of what murders?

No, no, Judge, that's not true.
I killed Blaze.

Don't listen to him!

I can't let you
take the blame.
I killed Blaze. Twice.

You told me
you sent Blaze home.

Would someone please tell me
what the fuck
everyone is talking about?

And Mom didn't kill Pensee.
I shot her in the face.

- I'm your best friend.

He did not kill Pensee. I did.

- He's just covering for me.
- Uh--

Call the police.
Let's just send
everyone home!

No! They can arrest me!
Then we can all have
a perfect wedding.

Everyone just--

stay calm
for just a moment.

Now, we are not
calling the police.

Do you have any idea
how much this wedding cost?

- Flip--
- I am up
for reelection...

in November, for God's sake.

What do you think
it will look like...

if they discover
a mass murder under my nose?

That prick Beaumont
will bury me in scandal.

Don't any of you people
ever think about anyone
other than yourself?

- Daddy!
- I am going to call the sheriff
on his private line.

He owes me a favor--
a big one.

What are you going to do?
I'm going to make
this problem go away.

We are all gonna go out there
and have a beautiful wedding.

Now, my boys will
collect the bodies...

and make it look like
it was a...

gas explosion
or something.

You are a judge.
You can't just
cover up a crime.

Of course I can,
honey.

It's like the time
your Uncle Frank
killed that prostitute.

Uncle Frank never killed
a... prostitute.

Oh, my God.

That's right.
It was that retarded gentleman
that we executed for it.

Nice fella.
Um, all right.

- Oh, my God.
- All right, now look.

- The only way
this is gonna work--

is if all of us never talk
about anything that happened
this weekend ever again.

This has to go to your graves,
or I'll put you there myself.

No, no, no.
All right.

Now,

is everyone ready
to take a vow of silence?

- I am! Absolutely!

I am!
You betcha.
Yep. Yep.

- Yeah.
- Always.

I love you, honey.

All right, knock 'em dead.

I'm gonna throw up
on my dress.

That's okay.
That's appropriate.

Wait a minute.
These goddamn cameras
getting all of this?

Pretend
we're not here!

- Give me those tapes.
- Well, we record
onto hard drives.

- And we're gonna edit
all this shit out anyway.
- Bullshit.

- Why are the cameras
still rolling then, huh?
- Well, the--

Grab him, Ted!
Go on! Come on. Hurt him.

Get him!
I'm trying.

Robert, grow a dick, will ya?
Help out.

- Go get him.
- Come on! Get him!

- No, no, no, no!
- Get him! Get him!

- Excuse me, sir.

There's not gonna be
any wedding!

I came back
to run some mash-up ideas
by you, Rosemary.

I heard everything.

I heard everything!

We are calling the cops
like men of honor!

I'm shocked at you, Uncle Flip.

Marvin, you know
better than any of us...

sometimes killing
is necessary.

In war!

Or, like, if an English dude
is here to break up a wedding.
But covering up mass murder?

You killed Declan. Don't you
want to cover this up too?

Declan's dead?
Yeah. Sorry.

No!

- I was following orders!
- I--

That's not a legal defense!
And I never said
you should shoot him.

You nodded.

Don't deny it.

I can't believe you lied to me.
I thought you were my captain.

Marvin, now, trust
your Uncle Flip.
Give me that phone.

- Come on!
Come on, now! Come on!
- No!

- I won't do it!

I am placing you all
under a citizen's arrest...

by power of
the United States Marine Corps!

You know what the worst part
about this is?

Now no one is gonna get to hear
my Awesome-sauce deejay set.

The beats
were so crunchy!

- So crunchy!

Stop crying!
The beats were gonna be
so crunchy!

Marvin,
I was at your baptism,
for God's sake.

Come on now.

- He's a big one!
- Pull!

- Pull!

Down, everybody!
Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God.
- Go on! Get out!

Get out!
Reload! Reload!

He's out of bullets!
Just keep hanging on!

No, he's got more bullets.
Oh, no! No! No reloading!

No!
Marvin, stop!

Awesome-sauce.

- Hey, is everything
okay in there?

We're fine. Fine.

I-I can't see.

Okay, everybody.
We're putting on
a big show here. Okay?

Game face.

Remember your vows.

Honey, get started.

Cameraman,
you gonna film this?

That's what
I'm here to do.
Good.

Well, we'll talk later
about all that other stuff.

I suppose
you're gonna want a bonus.

Sit with me
out there.
Oh, of course, sweetie.

I am the maid of honor!

I'm so happy right now.

Rosemary and I together,
we're like a fairy tale.

Thank you.

Let's do this.

Are you ready?
Yeah.

You still have a little
cocktail sauce on your shirt.
No, don't. That's blood.

Gross.
Oh.

Hey, I think I thought
of the perfect vow.

As long as we live,
for richer or poorer,
in sickness and health,

I will never let anything
like this happen ever again.

You do?
I do.

I do too.

Okay?
See you out there.
Mm-hmm.

Sweetheart?

Things got
a little messy, huh?

Sometimes
to have a good life,

you have to do
bad things.

Do you understand?

Smart girl.

I'm proud of you.

You ready for
the biggest adventure
of your life?

Okay.

* Come with me

* And you'll see
where you belong *

**

You must have something to say
about your wedding.

Robert, are you okay?
Robert.

Robert.
Robert!

Hey!
What are you doing,
husband?

I-- I-- I just wanted
to say a little something
for the video.

Uh, really?

We are all very excited...

to have finally tied the knot
with Robert's family.

We are one family now.

We know how
to get things done.

Today's adventure...

creates a bond not only
between Rosemary and Robert,

but... between all of us
here today.

Good sex, bad sex.

Any marriage
will have both of them.

The key to a good marriage
is trust.

The real key...
is love for your children.

Any thoughts for
the future?

And when Robert
and Rosemary,

God willing,

give us
some grandchildren--

What did she say?

We're done with cameras
for now.

I know for a fact...

they will do
whatever they need to do
to give them a good life.

**

Unpleasant news today
from Pleasant Valley.

Six bodies were found
mutilated and burned.

They were discovered
near where the victims
had been abducted...

from a wedding taking place
at a well-known family's
vacation home.

The father of the bride:
four-term state judge
Philip "Flip" Milton,

who escaped unharmed.

Here's what he
had to say.

- Judge! Judge!
- My family and I are
deeply, deeply saddened...

by the death
of our dear friends.

I am suspending all
political campaign activity
effective immediately,

although I remain
in the race.

But now is not
the time for politics.
That's all for now.

Reporter Pamela White...

is live from the Pleasant
Valley Sheriff's Department
with updates.

Pamela.

Early reports
indicate...

that these seemingly
senseless murders...

have been committed
by a satanic cult...

which has been operating
in this county in secret
for some time.

And the police's
primary suspect for
the cult's ringleader?

Wait till
you hear this.

Charles Beaumont,

who, interestingly,
is Judge Flip Milton's
highest-polling challenger...

in November's election.

What should have been
an unforgettable day
in one girl's life--

her wedding day--

will now be remembered as
one of the most tragic events
in Pleasant Valley history.

Back to you, Wood.

A shocking and sad picture
coming out of Pleasant Valley.

We'll have more
on that story
as it develops.

Shifting gears--
Planning a wedding
in this day and age...

can be perilous
and fraught
with disaster.

After the break,
we'll be back with tips
on avoiding...

the 10 biggest in--
Ah, fuck me.