All language subtitles for Reginald.the.Vampire.S01E06.Halfway.to.a.Threeway.720p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-NTb - No HI

Previously, on
"Reginald the Vampire"...

That woman is insane.

That woman is
a stone-cold killer.

Surprise.

Here's your target,
Reginald Andres.

He's a vampire?

Visualize, believe, achieve.

- Why are you helping me?
- I want you to live.

- Hey, Reggie.
- Hi, Maurice.

I needed some time
to clear my head.

- I'm sorry too.
- Is that what I think it is?

Don't touch anything.

What in the world are you
doing with herb of the cross?

- Ooh!
- Feeding on Todd stops now.

- What am I supposed to do?
- You hunt.

- That's my jam.
- I know.

Next up,
we have Reginald and Sarah.

I turn my back
for one second...

One second, and there he is
in the shit again.

Huh?
How does it keep happening?

And I'm the idiot who has to
clean it up every goddamn time.

Look, I-I'm very sympathetic

when you clean up
my mess and all,

but I'm a little lost here.

Reggie, do you have
any idea the level

of cluster...
You just found yourself in?

What, you mean
the weird vampire lady?

No, no, I'm talking
about the timeless power

of a Bonnie Tyler classic.

Of course I'm talking
about the weird vampire lady.

That's Nikki,
the vampire assassin...

The world's deadliest.

Okay, that woman,

she takes care
of Angela's problems.

Reginald, that problem is you.

Wait, wait, wait.

Did you not see her singing?

She's a big softie.

No, that woman
is chaos incarnate.

She is a hurricane with feet.

She'll enter your life

and obliterate everything
and everyone in it.

Sarah.

Sarah!

I know it sucks right now,

but you're gonna get over
whatever this is.

- Hey, we should go now.
- Your voice

is the voice of an angel.

Wait, are you talking
about Reginald?

Let's just leave
the sad lady alone.

But I think she's
talking about you.

Well, that makes
no sense at all.

None, but...

Hey, it was really nice
to meet you

and good luck with whatever
future endeavors you may have,

- but we got to go.
- But... okay.

- Yeah. We should go.
- But should we...

The voice of an angel
that made us.

Haemolacria.

It's a condition
where you cry blood

like you do.

- You.
- Yes.

Me, Ashley.

I was hoping
I'd run into you again.

Obviously, this isn't
what I pictured,

the running into... not...

Not that I pictured anything.

It just looked like you could
maybe use a friend right now.

Is there any way you could
stop this incessant pounding?

I-I think that's your heart
and you want it to do that.

But I-I can't...
I can't breathe.

I feel like it's trying
to bust out of my chest.

Mm, mm, mm.

Textbook panic attack.

I've seen a lot of panic.
This feels different.

Denial will only
make it worse.

What you want to do is
you want to put your head down

between your knees like so,
and you just let it hang loose,

and, uh, take some deep breaths
in through your nose...

And out through your mouth.

In and out.

In and out.

How does that fee...

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what's your hurry?

Let's enjoy the night
while it lasts.

You know, I feel like
the night would be

much better enjoyed
inside where we can

lock doors and hopefully
windows as well.

Well, I feel
completely safe with you.

Really?

We emerged from a crazy
food fight unscathed

and a karaoke super fan unmurdered.

I'm not sure what it is
about our dates,

but crazy sure seems
to follow us wherever we go.

Oh, no, that's so true,
isn't it?

Oh, but they're unforgettable
and ridiculous,

and I wouldn't change a thing.

There is one thing
I would change.

I should've done that
so much sooner.

Your timing feels
perfect to me.

I promise you, our next date
is gonna be so, so normal.

It'll be boring.

Oh, well,
it would have to be boring

in order for us
to course correct.

Maybe we file taxes.

We could sit at a bus stop
and not get on the bus.

Ooh, how late
is the DMV open?

Oh, clog dancing.

Oh, yeah, that sounds awful.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

Maybe we could do, like,

some Russian
language class or...

Oh, we could do our taxes.

- Ooh.
- Yeah.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

My grandma is making some pie...

Can we rain check this please?

I need a palate cleanser
after that.

You're welcome to join
if you'd like.

I don't know
who's more delusional,

the unhinged assassin

or the woman who thinks
she can control her.

Ooh, hypocrisy
is crisp tonight.

Yeah, I wonder what
the Council will think

of your illegal maneuver,

which, from the looks of it,
failed miserably.

And now,
Nikki's loose in Akron.

Did Reginald really
deserve that?

Hate to break it to you, Maurice,

but you're little pet project
is the real threat.

When he fails The Assessment,

you die,

along with any human
who knows his secret.

And I wonder if he told

that pretty little
girlfriend of his.

No, she doesn't
know anything.

You sure?

If I kill Reginald now,

you don't have to worry
about any of that.

I'd kind of be
doing you a favor.

Keep your claws off
of Reginald.

Whoa!

You sing like an angel.

Do you know them?
Do they speak to you?

Who?

The angels.

Yes, they're terrifying
in their glory,

and yes,
they shaped us like clay,

but I've never heard them
until I heard the sound

of your voice.

I think you might
be overestimating

my singing ability.

Well, if that's the case,
I'm afraid I have to kill you.

- A job's a job and so forth.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

You said the angels?
I know the angels.

I talk to them all the time.
They're...

They're the ones
who taught me to sing.

Two angels in particular,

Eric B and Rakim.

Good guys as angels go.

I knew it.

I came to the city made
of rubber to kill you.

Well, that's a terrible idea.

I'm having second thoughts.

I'm also very much
on board with that.

- Close your eyes.
- Why?

Because I've never,
ever, never

said something like this before
and it embarrasses me,

which is another emotion
I'm not familiar with.

What a night I'm having.

Okay.

I've never been
in love before,

and love is scarier than me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- Maurice, hey.
- Oh, hey.

Hey, you live around here?

- I'm not too far.
- Oh.

I was still wired
so I thought

I'd get some fresh air.

That was, uh,
quite the performance tonight.

I've never seen Reggie
so happy.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But that's no surprise,

Reginald is crazy about you.

He talks about you nonstop.

I probably shouldn't...

It just feels like I know you

because he's talked
about you so much.

We kissed.

- You and Reginald?
- Yeah.

- Reginald Andres?
- Uh-huh.

That Reginald?
What?

How was it?

How do you feel about tea?

- Thanks.
- Welcome.

So you and Reginald have
spent a lot of time together.

Mm, at the delightful microcosm

that is the Slushy Shack, yes.

He has single-handedly
preserved my sanity.

Time just flies by
when we're together.

We can talk about
absolutely nothing

and absolutely everything
at the same time.

That's great you have someone
you can be an open book with.

Yeah.

But sometimes I feel like
it's a bit one-sided.

How's that?

I suppose
we all have walls up,

but Reginald has
one giant wall.

It's like there's something
in the way of him being

completely honest with me.

I don't know what.

I don't know, maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm just over thinking it.

Yeah, you got it bad.

Oh, I suppose I do.

Look, Reginald has a lot
on his plate right now,

and I'm sure he'll
tell you all about it

once he's on the other side.

Until then, we just gotta
take it easy on him.

He's got it bad too, you know.

Take care of him.

You too.

Mm.

Good night, Sarah.
Thank you for the tea.

Night.

"Upon receipt of the deposit,

there are no refunds
and no cancellations."

No refunds.
That is your policy.

So I can only assume that
that wire transfer you sent me

was, I don't know, a gift?

It's a refund,

but since this job was
off the books,

I'm sure you can give me
a little wiggle room.

It's been a pleasure
not doing business with you.

Nikki.

I am giving you the chance
to finish the job

as contracted
and salvage your reputation.

No can do.
I'm on sabbatical.

What happened to you?

I know I hired crazy,

but I didn't know
I hired bat shit crazy.

I-I don't know.

I'm... I'm still figuring it out.

Well, then do the job
and then figure it out.

When my heart cracked open,

I heard it crack.

Hearts don't crack.

- Mine did.
- Okay.

I know I'm gonna regret
asking you this,

but why did your heart
crack open?

Have you ever seen
something so amazing

it makes your whole world
go topsy-turvy?

Like, hey, here's an example.

The golden-voice wonder
you were hired to kill.

No, no.

Mm. Please tell me
you are not talking about...

R-Reginald.

I've never felt
like this before.

He is everything
in the world to me.

He is the night.

He is the first taste of blood.

He's a song.

Thanks, Angela.

I never would've met him
if it wasn't for you.

So for that, I owe you...

Don't!

Just...

- go away.
- Okay.

Oh, Reginald... Andres.

Been here, done this.

The Assessment is
on the books, Reggie.

- Couple months out.
- Awesome.

Plenty of time.
I can't wait.

Look, it's all
about centering yourself.

Clearing your mind
and trusting your instincts.

You're a vampire now

and with that comes
an innate primal intelligence.

Okay?

When faced with an obstacle,
your body,

if you trust it,
will know exactly what to do,

even if you've never
done it before.

Visualize, believe, achieve.

Mike was very emphatic
about that.

- Where is he?
- Um,

Mike had to...

Mike's nesting somewhere else.

Nesting sounds nice.
Sounds really fun actually.

Like having a bunch
of friends over

who share similar interests.

- Blood.
- Sure, that,

or in my recent experience
with vampires,

they're very keen on karaoke.

No, stay away from Nikki.
She's a killer.

Understood, but maybe there's
more to her than that.

Everybody has a secret self
just waiting to be revealed.

No, Nikki's
secret self is soaked

in the blood
of everyone she's killed.

Okay, and that's enough blood
to source the Nile.

Okay, that's vivid
and pretty convincing.

Yeah.

What about Sarah?

Sarah is my undead life goal.

Very first vampire girlfriend.

Yeah.
You know, believe it or not,

I think I'm starting to see
the value in the two of you.

You do? Me and Sarah?

Yeah, you and Sarah.

Okay.

I think I'm ready.

Fully centered.

Visualizing, believing, achieving.

This is my moment.

That's the spirit.

Go for it. Break that thing.

All right.

This hammer
is my big-ass brain.

This broken piece of
cinderblock is The Assessment.

Are there any questions?

There's something
different about you.

Me?

You're, like, glowing.

No, I'm not.

Oh, my God,
you and Reginald had sex.

No, we just kissed.

Jeez, what happens to you
when you have sex?

What can I say?
It was a pretty good kiss.

Hey, this is
an interesting development.

What's next on the carnal
to-do list?

Good question.

I guess only time will tell.

You're not actually
waiting for Reginald

to make the next more, are you?

This is Reginald
we're talking here.

Reginald has no game.

If you want to get with him,
you better take the lead.

Never thought about that.

Take bonobos, for example.

Bono-what?

They're a super
sex positive primate.

The females call all the shots.

They decide when, where, who.

One could argue
that bonobos are actually

the most evolved primate
on the planet.

So you want me to take
dating advice from a monkey?

A very satisfied monkey.

Welcome to the Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?

I'm here to kill
my romantic rival.

Hey, can you watch the till?
Thanks. Bye now.

Sure.

Isn't that sad karaoke lady?

I'm glad you're
no longer crying blood.

The homicidal ideation isn't
much of an improvement.

It's nothing personal.
If I want something,

I simply eliminate obstacles
standing in my way.

That is very goal-orientated,

but that doesn't really apply
to romantic interests.

Well, I have to do something.

I can't stop thinking
about him.

- Who him?
- Reginald, of course.

- Reginald Andres?
- Mm.

Your romantic rival is
the nice lady serving slushies

to thirsty customers out front?

She is deader than dirt.

Your eyeballs wobble
the tiniest fraction

when you think.

- They do?
- Mm-hmm.

Nobody's ever
noticed that before.

Falling in love is like...

Being in a jumbo pot
of love soup.

Love and all its by-products,

fear, anxiety...

Obsession.

Giving a heart
to your one, true love.

If you try to act
on all those emotions,

including killing
your romantic rival,

all at once,

you're gonna end up alone
and in jail.

As if any jail could hold me.

Not the point.

All right.

I'm impressed
by your superior knowledge

on the subject of romance.

What do I do now?

Uh, I'm thinking...

let him take the lead.

Reginald has game, so go slow.

One year, maybe five.

Time's a fungible concept anyways.

Time is usually
not a problem for me,

but in this case,
I don't think I can wait.

I'm thinking...

Today.

- Sure.
- Mm-hmm.

That's one way to go,
but is that really the best...

I'm gonna give Reginald
my heart

just like you told me to.

Thanks for all your advice.

You're really good
at this friend stuff.

I tried.
I really did.

What an odd lady.

Hey, I've been thinking
about what you said.

Isn't that just splendid.

I'm gonna be like
the bonobos.

I'm gonna call the shots.

Thanks for your advice.
I really appreciate it.

Reginald's not gonna know
what hit him.

He sure won't.

Whoa, whoa, not today.

Not today,
not today, not today.

Relax, you rotund imbecile.

I'm here on business.

Wh-what kind of business?

Logan the Punctilious,
deacon of the Vampire Council,

has asked me to reschedule
your Assessment

to accommodate
his busy schedule.

I brought a pen.

Okay, well...

He has to travel
all the way from Buenos Aires.

I suppose I could use
more time to train.

True, but we're
moving The Assessment up,

not back.

How does a month sound,
give or take?

A month?

That's not enough time
for anything.

Well, I'm happy to take
your complaints to the Council,

but you could lose more time
as a result.

Oh, no, no,
I'm fine with the rescheduling.

Hmm, can't be easy being you.

I mean,
now that you mention it, I...

Wait, what?

On the plus size,
you're unique.

Plus size. Funny.

On the minus,
everyone wants you dead.

Into every life
must come a little rain.

Wait, everybody?

That seems a bit exaggerated,
don't you think?

Not everybody wants me dead.

I suppose
Maurice has your back.

Exactly.

And I'm assuming
that you have friends.

Pretty awesome friends, actually.

Also, a surprisingly
dynamic love life too.

Love is all right.

It's not worth dying for,
you understand, but...

there are times
where living for it

isn't the worst possible idea.

You're talking about Maurice,
aren't you?

He had your back too?

Yes, he did.

Well, this has...

Been awesome.

You and me, right?
Finding common ground.

This is kind of crazy.

Just a couple of vampires

sitting around
talking about love.

I want you deader than dirt.

Every relationship has
its challenges.

Nice chat, Blob.

Enjoy the next four weeks
to the fullest.

Like they were your last.

Will do.

Vampires are... weird.

Hey.

Oh. Mm.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, oh, oh.

Wait, wait.

In the interest
of full disclosure,

- I have to tell you something.
- Oh.

And brace yourself because,

again fully aware of what
a shocker this is gonna be,

but the thing
I wasn't telling you,

my big, bold,
impossible secret is...

I'm...

I'm...

a virgin.

Oh.

I'm glad you came back.

Me too.

The only thing is,
I can't figure out why.

I need to make amends.

That's the least attractive
sentence you've ever uttered.

Well, what would you prefer?

All right.

Let's say amends
is the righteous thing.

What exactly does that entail?

I made a mistake.

I put someone in danger
who does not deserve it,

and I need to make sure
he does not die.

Intriguing generalities.

- But...
- I'm gonna stop Angela

before she kills
the fat vampire.

Looks like someone could
use a pick-me-up.

Pineapple surprise.

That's, uh,
really sweet of you.

Thank you.

You know I'm just trying
to bribe you

with your favorite slushy, right?

I know. I'm sorry.

I... I'm not trying
to ignore you.

I just...

I feel like the world's
biggest idiot.

Like, that is not
how I wanted to tell you.

Like I said last night,

I think it's awesome
that you're a virgin

and that you're waiting
for the right person.

If I'm being honest,

I never really had
a choice in the matter.

It just never happened for me.

I feel like virginity's
just a outdated concept

to shame women anyway, but if I was

waiting for a person,

it would be you.

From the very first date,
if that makes any sense.

Completely.

I think it's time
for our third date.

You do?
I mean, I agree.

It's... third time's
a charm, right?

Yes, it will be.

- You and me.
- Saturday night.

Mm. Stolen moments
are the best kind.

We're you wearing this
the entire time?

Stop and is this rigatoni?

The little rug rats
are crafty.

I tried to compost it
the other night,

but they caught me red-handed.

They're keeping tabs on me
like secret agents.

I need to take a page
from your book.

Move through the world
like a glorious goddess

no one will... with.

Not as glorious as it sounds.

No? Why do you say that?

Well, for starters,
that assassin that I hired,

yeah, she had
a change of heart,

which means Reginald is still
very much at large.

I'm sure that Yukon brat
is cackling in her yurt.

Yukon brat?

Eve.

Eve of my doom is more like it.

She's, uh,
watching my every move,

so I can't afford
another slip up,

especially when I'm
expecting a visit

from the esteemed head of
council, Logan the Vivisector.

Nice nickname.

Oh, he earned it.
Trust me.

I may not be able to relate

to the complexities
of the vampire underworld,

but, um, I have my own little
monsters to contend with,

and when plan A
and plan B fall through,

there's usually a plan C.

It's hiding in plain sight
and solves everything.

See?
I knew I could count on you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Now, hand me my Spanx,

'cause not all of us
are eternally 20.

Oh, shut up.

You are just as beautiful
as the first day we met.

You know, you don't have
to hide your problems from me.

Having feelings for you
and no sense of what hurts you,

hurts.

We talked about this.

There are parts of my life

that are best kept secret.

It's dangerous to know
everything about me.

It sounds like
the working definition of love.

This is the only way
to keep you safe.

Listen to me.

Listen.

Hey, what are you doing
up already?

Oh, I just had a hankering.

You always have a hankering.

For you, I do.

Oh, Reggie-boo.

Anything for my ray
of sunshine.

Wait.
Something's missing.

On today's menu
we have an aromatic blend

of A and B positive
with a dash of O.

Oh, honey,
you shouldn't have.

It's perfect.

Uh... oh, oh, that's generous.

I'm good though.
That's plenty.

- But aren't you hungry?
- Not that hungry.

Oh, don't be afraid,
Reggie-boo.

The only thing you have
to fear is me itself.

Good to the last drop.

Good to the last drop.

Good to the last drop.

Good to the last drop.

What a weird-ass dream.

Don't be shy.

I love presents,
and I brought one for you.

I've never met a vampire
like you before.

Okay.

I'm intrigued if not terrified.

- Go on.
- You're soft, gentle.

Made to cuddle, which doesn't

have the advantages
you think it does.

You sing like an angel.

I'll take your word for it,
although all the evidence

points towards the contrary.

Here.

This doesn't belong
to anyone I know, right?

No, but there may be

a slight delay
in your next mail delivery.

Nikki, you seem so cool.

Thank you.

Most times people say my name,
it's all...

"Nikki, you promised to stop
after the second fingernail.

Please, God, make it stop."

But I'm seeing someone
right now.

Of course you are.
How could anyone resist?

It's really serious.

After briefly considering bloodshed...

I've come to realize

I have no problem with that.

Three is a very
underrated number.

And that's...
That's so generous of you,

but it's just the two of us.

You and me, two?

No.

I'm sorry.

Please don't kill me.

Time will tell
when it comes to you and me.

But Reginald,
that thing inside you,

the difference?

It needs to be protected
from others like me,

because they don't love you
like I do.

- Hey, there.
- Hi.

Welcome to the Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?

That is a tough question.

There's just so many flavors.

How am I ever gonna choose?

It's wild to think
of all the decisions

that led us to this moment.

Like, who knows?

I could be selling bagels
and you could be selling,

I don't know, comic books or...

- Fitness equipment.
- Shut up.

Yeah, I applied to that
one place down the street

and they accepted me,
but, you know,

the Slushy Shack had
better staff discounts,

cuter uniforms,
cuter employees.

- Oh, is that right?
- Mm-hmm.

So this whole time,
you've been my Heath cliff?

I may have been
low key brooding.

Are you still reading
"Wuthering Heights?"

I finished it actually.

Yeah, the book
cover should read,

"When unbridled passion
meets unrequited love,

shit gets ugly."

Right?
It's a total bummer,

and at the end of the day,
nothing mattered 'cause...

They were together.

So this place is nice.

Wonder what
the rooms look like.

Guess we're gonna have
to figure that out on our own.

- Think we should?
- Absolutely, yes. 100%.

I'm, like, not even
kidding right now.

I'm so...

I have to pee.

Hey, there's way
too much soda in this.

Whoa... no.

- Hey, what are you doing here?
- What does it look like?

I'm a mixologist serving
alcohol to needy customers.

Is this really a job or
is this entry-level stalking?

I thought everything
between us was cool.

Is that blood on your shirt?

Nikki, you can't be here.

But my shift isn't over
until midnight.

What?

- You okay?
- Great.

Never better.

Dessert?

Tranquilizer?

You pick.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

I might've left my phone
in the bathroom.

- Oh, you want me to call it?
- No, it's fine.

How about you decide
on dessert?

And make sure that
it's vegan and gluten-free.

But you had steak for dinner
and some of my chicken.

What do you think
you're doing?

I'm bringing you signature
Nikki cocktails on the house.

Okay, great.
Drinks received.

Go now.
We don't need any more appies.

Hello? Earth to Reginald.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Um, I'm s-I'm sorry,
I just...

I can't believe
all this is happening.

Me too.
Is this sangria?

Yeah, sure.

Mm, it's good.

Has... a bit
of a weird aftertaste.

Tastes like coppery.

Oh, that one's actually mine.

What'd you put in here?
Truffle oil?

- Oh, Reginald.
- Sorry.

I'm-I'm really sorry.
I... I'm just so nervous.

Hey, you don't have to
be nervous.

Not with me.
Not with us.

Ohh...
you're right, you're right.

Us is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

- Come on, let's go.
- Okay, yeah.

For the ambience,
for the mood,

and... for the senses.

Thank you for doing all this.
This is so nice.

Is it too much?
God, it's too much, isn't it?

I'm so glad that I skipped
on that mariachi band.

Okay, it's just...

I know it's your first time,
and it's our first time.

And I just... I want it
to be special.

I can pretty much
guarantee you

that this is gonna be the most
special night of my life.

Why are you so sweet?

I'm so nervous.

This is really happening.

It's really happening.

I cannot tell you how many
nights I've dreamt of this.

I visualized it.
I believed it.

I achieved it.

Actualization pillow talk
is the sexiest pillow talk.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Don't move.
I'll be right back.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Hey, welcome to
the Slushy Shack.

How may I help you?

That is a tough question.

Listen to me.

Listen... listen...

Okay, be cool.
Just go with the flow.

You just have to unlock your...

Instinct.

You're gonna wanna close
your eyes for this next part.

Okay,
but remember, be careful.

I'm your gentle,
delicate, little flower.

Don't worry, Reginald.

It'll be over
before you know what hit you.

Whoa, whoa, hey!

Did you see that?
I almost got staked.

Wait, Sarah. Is she okay?

She was the one trying
to stake you, remember?

- I'd give her some space.
- What? That's impossible.

- I know Sarah.
- You sure about that?

'Cause her weapon of choice
was very specific.

In my experience,
only humans of a certain kind

know how to find us
and kill us.

No, no, absolutely not.

There's no way that Sarah,

my Sarah, is a vampire slayer.

She bounced back fast.

I killed a slayer
in Walla Walla.

She wasn't really a slayer.

Learned about it
from a comic book.

I rammed her stake
down her throat.

Ironic, right?
Or is it just a coincidence?

Don't kill her.
Don't hurt her, please.

Spoilsport.

This is all
just a big misunderstanding.

"Oh, hey, Reginald.
How did your date go?"

"Oh, it went great. Thanks.

"We had a lovely dinner
at the restaurant

"and then we went
to the hotel room

"where she tried to kill me.

"You know how it goes.

"Kissing one moment,
then screaming the next.

"And then your vampire stalker
comes and saves you

"and locks your girlfriend
in a closet

"because as fate would have it,

I'm in love with Buffy
the... Vampire Slayer!"

"Okay, it was great knowing
you, Reginald.

Have fun dying."

Here.
This will calm you down.