All language subtitles for Fidanzato.Di.Tutte.The.Tender.Trap.1955.ITA-ENG.WEB-DLRip.720p.x264.L43_Track05_en

♪ You see a pair
of laughing eyes ♪

♪ and suddenly
you're sighing sighs ♪

♪ you're thinking
nothing's wrong ♪

♪ you string along, boy ♪

♪ then snap! ♪

♪ Those eyes, those sighs ♪

♪ they're part of
the tender trap ♪

♪ you're hand-in-hand
beneath the trees ♪

♪ and soon there's music
in the breeze ♪

♪ you're acting
kind of smart ♪

♪ until your heart
just goes whap! ♪

♪ Those trees, that breeze ♪

♪ they're part of
the tender trap ♪

♪ some starry night ♪

♪ when her kisses
make you tingle ♪

♪ she'll hold you tight ♪

♪ and you'll hate yourself
for being single ♪

♪ and all at once,
it seems So nice ♪

♪ the folks are throwing
shoes and rice ♪

♪ you hurry to a spot ♪

♪ that's just a dot
on the map ♪

♪ and then you wonder
how it all came about ♪

♪ it's too late now,
there's no gettin' out ♪

♪ you fell in love ♪

♪ and love is
the tender trap ♪

♪ bool yab boo Dee boo da ♪

♪ ba do ba de boo de boo da ♪

Captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group and
U.S. department of education

[telephone clicking]

[Sighs]

Is that the best
you've got to say?

Mmm...

Hmm. you can do
better than that.

What do you want?
A testimonial?

That'd be nice.

Hmm...

You know, I've been
wanting to tell you
something for months now.

What?

You are
the softest girl.

Ha. gee, thanks.

That's what every
girl wants to hear.

[Laughing]

No, I mean it.

You're not flabby
or anything like that.

Just nice and soft.

You know what I mean.

[Laughing]

Yes, I see
what you mean.

[Doorbell buzzes]

Who is that?

I'll be darned
if I know,

but whoever it is,
i don't want any.

[Buzzing]

Oh...

Maybe I'd better...

Yeah.

I'll just be a minute.

Don't lose
the place.

[Buzzing]

Joe!

Charlie!

[Laughing]

[Joe and Charlie laughing]

Charlie:
well, I'll be!

How are you, Joe?

How's Ethel?

[Whistles softly]

Egads, it's good
to see you, Joe!

How's everything
in Indianapolis?

Hey, how about a drink?
Still Martinis?

Same drink, same wife.

You got it.

Why don't you let
a fella know you're
coming, Joe?

Didn't you get
my telegram?

Nope. no wire.

That's funny.
I sent one.

Anyway, I'm staying
with you.

Good. welcome
aboard, Joe.

Wow! what a water hole.

Yeah.

This is a far cry
from the tree houses

you used to fall out of
as a kid.

Do all theatrical agents
in New York live like this?

How much money
you making, anyhow?

Almost as much
as I'm spending.

Hey, how's
everything at
the old plant?

The Indiana pharmaceutical
company seems to be keeping
its head above water.

Good. well,
drink up, buddy boy.

Joe.

Charlie.

I'm glad to see success
has not changed you.

You still make
a lousy Martini.

[Laughing]

Get out of there.

Did I ask you
how's Ethel?

Ethel? she's ok.

And how about Charlie,
my boy? How's he?

Well, I don't know.
Last week,
we were thinking

we shouldn't have
named him after you.

Hmm?

He fell out
of a tree house.

Oh, my gosh!
Did he get hurt?

Nah.
fell on his sister.

Oh, my gosh!

It's all right,
Charlie. It was
a very low tree house.

Good. what are you
doing in New York?
Business?

Well, not really.
I've left Ethel.

You what?!

You left Ethel!

Charlie: Joe,
you can't be serious!

Hello.

You mean you
walked out on her?

Hello.

You left the mother
of your children?

Sweetie...

The woman who
gave you the best
years of her life?

Sweetie, I'm sorry
to interrupt,
but it's almost 6:00.

It is? Oh, gee,
that's a shame.

Oh... Poppy matson,
Joe McCall.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Thanks for
dropping by.

I'll just tidy up
a little before i--

you don't have to do
that, honey. I'll take
care of it myself.

Don't you want me
to empty the ashtrays?

No. I'll take care
of it, and I'll give
you a bell real soon.

Tomorrow?

Not tomorrow,
but real soon.

You call me.
I will.

Both:
on the telephone.

Soon.

Yes, very soon.
Bye.

Oh, Charlie,
did I tell you?

My uncle caught
the whitefish.

What?

Don't you remember?
You told me how much
you loved whitefish.

He's sending
one down.

Oh, yes. Good, good.

I'll call you
just as soon
as it arrives.

You do that.

And we'll have
a wonderful dinner
with burgundy

and candlelight and
a damask tablecloth
and lemons...

I can hardly wait.

[Charlie and Poppy kissing]

Bye.

Bye.

Where the Sam hill
did she come from?

Never mind.

Now, what is all
this stuff about
you leaving Ethel?

Ethel? oh, I left her.

Charlie, that gorgeous
girl...Are there
any more like that?

Forget the gorgeous
girl, Joe,

and let's settle down
and discuss this thing.

Why did you leave Ethel?

Oh, that was
her suggestion.

It was nothing
like you think.

Really?

What is it like, Joe?

What's it like?

Mmm.

Well,
it's like this.

Last week,
we celebrated our
11th anniversary.

Oh, did you get
my silver tray?

We got 7 silver trays.
But thanks.

Oh.

Anyway, after everyone
had gone,

Ethel and I looked
at each other,
and Ethel said,

"Joe, I love you
very, very much.

Why don't we take
a vacation from
each other?"

So I said, "there's a little
business in New York
i could take care of."

She said, "you do that.

"See some shows, sponge
off old Charlie...

"And then you come
running back here

and chase me
all over the house
the way you used to."

So...

Doggone!

I told you that Ethel
was a smart girl.
We'll drink to her.

Charlie.

Joe.

Both: Ethel.

[Doorbell buzzes]

[Whistling]

[With Southern accent]
Hiya, honey.

Oh, hiya, Jessica.
I'm a little busy
right now. I--

oh, that's all right,
darling.

I just happened to be
down at the Washington
market today,

and I ran right smack
into this wonderful,
real Wisconsin Colby,

and I knew you
like it better than
any other cheese,

and So here it is.

I got a friend
down at the market

who's going to alert me
the very minute the first
apples appear,

and I'm keeping
you in mind for
a whole bushel of--

well, how can you
live in a place
that looks like this?

Jessica, this is Joe McCall.
Jessica Collins.

How do you do,
Mr. McCall?

Have you ever seen
anyone keep a place
in such disorder?

Why, I don't know what
Mr. McCall will think.

Oh, now, you two go on
about your business,

and don't you pay me
no mind,

and I'll have this place
at least looking tidy...

Well, my goodness,
here's a telegram...

And it hasn't even
been opened yet.

Somebody may have died
or something.

Now, what this place
needs is a real thorough,
old-fashioned housecleaning.

A lick and a promise
won't do. No, sir.

Thank you.

Now, have you seen
those drapes?

Well, those drapes
need a real thorough,
old-fashioned flogging,

and I'm going to do it--

and that couch.

What have you been doing
on that couch?

Uh, Jessica,

I appreciate what
you're doing, honey,

but not now...
Some other time.

Oh, you always
say that.

No, really, I'll
call you very soon.

Don't forget,
now, hear?

I hear.

Promise?

I promise.

Good-bye, Mr. McCall.

[Giggles]

Mmm...

Mmm...tiger.

[Growls]

Bye.

Bye.

Where am I?
Where do all these
tomatoes come from?

Tomatoes?

How dare you call
these girls tomatoes?

For your information,
Mr. McCall,

Poppy is an important
editor at doubleday,

and Jessica happens
to be the buyer

for the largest chain
of women's stores
in the south.

Tomatoes, indeed!

Huh!

Charlie, I'd like
to ask you something.

Hey, how about this?

My friend Joe McCall is
coming to spend a couple
of weeks with me.

I got to shave.
I got a date.

Tomatoes or no tomatoes,
tell me one thing:

How come you rate
with girls like that?

Because I'm big
and strong and fat.

And don't think
you're going to beat
my time with them,

the way you did
all the others.

Charlie,
you're 35 years old.

You're not still brooding
about the junior prom,
are you?

You're darn right,
i am.

300 girls in a line,

and right at
the head of the line

is this lovely, sweet,
absolute doll of a girl
smiling right at me.

All I've got to do
is take 3 simple paces
forward and say,

"may I have the pleasure
of this dance?"

Not me. Way down
at the end of the line,
i spot this tall job--

the goofy one
with the hot eyes.

And even from where I stand,
i know this is trouble.

So what do I do?
Of course...

I cut my way through
a half-mile of organdy

while you take the 3
simple paces forward.

You get Ethel,
and I get slapped with
a paternity suit.

At least
they cleared you.

Why shouldn't they?
I never even laid
a glove on her.

That's what Ethel said.
From the beginning,

Ethel said, "Charlie
couldn't have done it."

That's right.

"He hasn't got
the know-how."

[Telephone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hi, honey.

No, I can't tonight.

No, not tomorrow
night, either.

No, no, no. The place
is very clean. Yeah.

Thanks for calling.

Yeah. ok. I'll get
back to you. Bye.

[Kisses]

Boy, what have you got?

It's not what
I've got, Joe,

it's what I haven't got--
a wife.

A wife?

Mm-hmm. when I first
came to New York,

I figured it would be
just like back home.

You know, meet a girl,
take her to the movie,

send her some candy
and flowers...

Romance her
a little bit.

Well?

Not the way it works
in New York.

They got a kind of
an underground here.

Soon as a bachelor
sets foot in this town,
the signals go out,

and even before you get
your bag unpacked,

you're up to there
in dames.

Look, it's wonderful.
A plain joker like me...

I've got dames I haven't
even called yet.

And it goes on
like this all the time?

All the time.

And all you got
to be is a bachelor?

Mm-hmm.

Pal, you really
got it taped.

Mm-mmm. not me.
It's New York, Joe.

City's teeming
with dames.

To tell you the truth,
every once in a while,
i get a little bored with it.

Oh, I feel for you,
pal.

You know what I mean.

Sure, it's fun,
but let's face it--

you're the guy
who's got it taped.

Me?

Mm-hmm.

I would be happy to
trade this rat race for
your setup in two seconds.

You come home
in the evening to
a pretty little house.

3 kids run down the path
yelling, "daddy!"

You go inside,
and there's Ethel
in a cute little apron.

She throws her arm around
your neck and gives you
a big smack and says--

"Joe, we got to have
wall-to-wall carpeting."

Oh, now, don't go
knocking Ethel to me.

I'm not knocking her.
If it weren't for Ethel,

we wouldn't have
wall-to-wall
carpeting today.

Can you imagine that?
People would be able

to see the floor around
the edge of the rug.

Incidentally, the kids
don't run down the path

to greet me when
i come home at night.

They're too tired.

After a day
of dancing lessons
and fencing lessons,

elocution lessons,
eurhythmic lessons...

Dramatic lessons,
finger-painting
lessons...

As a matter of fact,
Ethel isn't home,
either.

The dog is taking her
to obedience school.

Oh, come on, Joe.
It can't always be
like that.

No. no, it isn't
always like that.

Sometimes at night
after the kids
are asleep,

it's nice
and quiet...

Just the two of us
alone.

I start a fire
in the fireplace,

Ethel gets the good
Brandy out.

We push a couple of
chairs together.

I squeeze her hand,
she squeezes mine.

"Honey," I say.

"Darling," she says,

"don't you think
it's time Peter had
braces on his teeth?"

One stinking kid
left in the house
without braces,

she can't stand it.

I'm not even
listening to you.

I can't believe that Ethel--
little starry-eyed Ethel--

with that angel smile
and the cutest little figure

in the entire
middle-west...

Is it still?

Yep.

Don't tell me that doesn't
please you anymore, buddy.

It delights me.

After all,
married 11 years...

I never even looked
at another woman.

Are you thinking
of looking now?

Certainly not. Why?

Well, when guys start
telling me how many years
they didn't,

I figure they're
about ready to do.

And no matter
what you say,

I'll bet you were plenty
happy with your setup

until you came in here and
saw what I've fallen into.

Maybe you're right,
pal. After all,
11 years...

Yeah.
11 wonderful years.

Don't forget that.
Uh-oh!

What's the matter?
Night shift coming on?

No, no. She isn't
just one of the girls.

This is something
special.

What's she got?
Her own vacuum cleaner?

No. this one hardly
cleans up at all,

although she does
straighten up a little.

I see.
What is it with her?

Oh, she's
really special.

You know she used to play
with statkowski?

You mean his children?
How old is she, anyway?

Oh, shut up.
You'll see Sylvia in a--
ah, here we come now.

Which one of
the gentlemen
is Sylvia?

Oh, have you got
a surprise coming.

Sylvia, this is Joe McCall.
Joe, this is miss crewes.

Honored, miss crewes.

Poor dear. She can
hardly wait to get here.
I guess I'd better hurry.

It doesn't take Sylvia
very long to get
over here from nbc.

[Cannon explodes]

[Doorbell buzzes]

What did they do,
shoot her out
of the Cannon?

[Laughs]

Oh, hello.

Woman:
where's the dog?

He's in the kitchen.

I know.

Hey, hey...

Who's she?

I'm sorry, I can't
introduce you, Joe.
I forget her last name.

It's Helen
something-or-other.

I'll take good care
of Joe. Come on.

Thank you.

You named
the dog after me.
I'm touched.

She comes in and
walks him twice a day.

One of these nights
I'm going to have to
take her to dinner.

That'd be nice
of you, sultan.

Evening,
miss crewes.

Hello, George.

All moved in,
Mr. loughran?

Yes, yes...Everything
except the piano and
a couple of end tables.

[Doors open]

[Doorbell buzzes]

I got it.

Hi, baby.

This is a tuxedo?

Well, we were just
unpacking, and--

bye.

This one is different.

She'll be back.

He tell you
I'd be back?

Well...

Yes.

What's your name?

McCall.

Do you have a tuxedo,
Mr. McCall?

Uh... well, as a matter
of fact, I don't.

Go and change, boy.

5 minutes, So help me.

Can I fix you a drink,
Mr. McCall?

Please allow me.

Well, I've never
heard such gallantry
in this apartment.

Scotch?

Fine.

No tuxedo, hmm?

Tell me...You got
a blue suit?

Yes. there's one
right there on top. See?

I see.

Water?

Please.

Oh, that's the wife
and kids.

Oh...you're Joe McCall!

I'm Sylvia crewes.

Hello.

Thank you.

Uh, that dressing gown
that Charlie sent Ethel
last Christmas...

Did it fit?

You bought that.
I didn't think Charlie
had that much taste.

Which one's Peter?

The one without
the braces.

Course, that was taken
six months ago.

You know, Charlie
makes very good use
of your family

in his courtship.

I use the term loosely.

How do you mean?

Well, whenever he gets
a little misty,

he starts telling big lies
about how one day

he'd like a nice little house
and a nice little wife

and nice little kids,
just like good old Joe.

Did it ever occur
to you that he might
not be lying?

Mr. McCall, if it
hadn't occurred to me,

I wouldn't be here.

45 seconds!

Charlie:
I'll be right there.

You better be.

Oh, I saw you
on television
a little while ago.

Did you? Well, that's
very sweet of you,

considering that range rider
was on the rival network.

I don't quite
understand it.

You're
a musician with
an nbc orchestra.

How'd you
get together with
old tin ear Charlie?

Oh, he's not such
a tin ear.

I've been working on him.
He's making fine progress.

Charlie?

Mmm. he just loves
Peter and the wolf.
Listen.

[Whistles cat's theme
from Peter and the wolf]

[Charlie completes theme]

See? that wasn't
easy for him.

You know,
Charlie tells me

that you go
all the way back to
fourth grade together.

Yeah.
further than that.
Kindergarten.

Oh?

What was he like then?

Mmm...little.

What did you do
when you were a kid?

Like when?

Oh...5 to 10?

Played the fiddle.

10 to 20?

Played the fiddle.

20 to...

Say it.

28?

Thank you very much.
Played the fiddle.

And I guess I'll
just keep on fiddling
until I die

or get married,
whichever comes first.

[Door opens]

And there you are.

My, but don't you
look pretty.

I'd ask you
to go with us, Joe,
but I don't want you.

I don't blame you.

If you get tired,
that thing makes up
into a bed,

and if you can't sleep,
there's some seconal
in the medicine cabinet.

If you have trouble
staying awake, there's
some benzedrine in there.

If you can't
make up your mind,
take one of each.

Oh...if you get hungry,
there's a nice new cheese
in the refrigerator.

That's for getting
ready So quick.

Whoever had it
So good?

Not me.

Don't wait up
for me. Bye.

Night.

[Door opens]

[Door closes]

[Doorbell buzzes]

Oh.

Thank you.

Hello...helen.
I'm sorry I don't know
your last name.

Charlie forgot
to introduce us,
but I'm his best friend.

As a matter of fact,
he's named after me.

Joe McCall's my name.

Hiya, namesake.

In your bed, Joe.

What's your hurry?

Let's have a drink.

No, thanks. I have
dinner on the stove.

Well, let it stay.
We'll go out for dinner.

No, thanks.

Why not?

Mr. McCall,
you're a married man.

Oh, Charlie told you,
huh?

Well, as a matter
of fact, he didn't.

You mean you could tell
just by looking at me?

Of course.
Good night.

[Tap-dancing]

I wouldn't know...
Is he any good?

He can't be. He's not
one of our clients.

[Laughing]

Thank you very much.
Who's next?

Man: a miss gillis.
Miss gillis, please!

Watch this kid, Charlie.
The office signed her
last week.

Man: all right,
miss gillis.

Do you mind
telling us something
about yourself...

You know,
your background,

theatrical experience,
and So forth.

Don't be nervous,
miss gillis.

Well, I'm not
at all nervous.

My name is Julie gillis,
and I was born right here
in New York City.

I'm 22 years old.
That is, I was 21 1/2
a week ago Wednesday,

but as soon as I pass
the halfway Mark, I always
say I'm a year older.

I know that most people
wait until the last minute
to tack on another year,

but I...Well, maybe I am
a little bit nervous.

You go right ahead,
miss gillis.

Tell us anything
you want to.

Well, there isn't
very much more to tell.

My only theatrical experience
was this past June

at the senior class play
at briarwood.

We did the pirates
of penzance,

and there was an agent
there, and he gave me
something to sign,

and here I am.

Are you still there?

We're still here,
miss gillis.

Now, you sing
or dance or just
keep on talking.

I think I'd better sing.
I talk too much.

I think I'd better
take my glasses off.

She looks too good
with these on.

Steady, buster.

I think this kid's
got something, Eddie.

Bring her over to berger's.
I'd like to talk to her.

You two won't mind,
will you?

Why should we mind?
We'll be right there
with you.

Civelli?!

Hmm?

How do you like that?

They hired civelli
as conductor of
the summer symphony.

Civelli?!
how do you like that!

Oh, it's...Shocking.

I don't say he's
a bad violinist,
but conductor?

Why, it's ridiculous.
The bum never hit .300
in his whole life.

Sucker for
an inside curve.

Well, he's good enough
for the classics,

but what are they
going to do when
they get past brahms?

Probably
have to put in
a pinch hitter.

They wouldn't take
a woman for the job.
Oh, no, of course not.

Makes it too tough
in the locker room.

Very funny.

What did you two do
for laughs before
i came along?

[Blub blub]

Sorry I asked.

Julie, this is
Charlie reader,
our top talent man.

Miss gillis.

Hello.

How do you do?

This is miss crewes
and Mr. McCall--
Sylvia and Joe...

Two of my friends
who have absolutely
no talent.

I'll be seeing
you later,
Charlie.

Good-bye, Eddie.
Can I get you a drink
or something?

Just coffee,
thanks.

We have plenty
of that.

Sugar and cream?

Yes, please.
I can only stay
a few minutes.

I just wanted to tell
you how impressed we
were with your singing.

Yes,
you were lovely.

I had a word
with the producer,
Sammy sayers,

and he says it looks
as though you're just
about set for the part.

Oh, good.
Thank you.

This is your first
professional show,
isn't it?

Yes.

Well, aren't you just
a little bit excited

about breaking through
for the first time out?

Oh, the theater's
all right, but
only temporarily.

You're thinking
of taking up
something else?

Well, yes...
Marriage, I hope.

Oh. did you have
any particular
young man in mind?

Well, there are any
number of young men,

but I haven't
found mine yet.

Well, a pretty young
thing like you shouldn't
have much trouble.

Well, I certainly
hope not.

I mean, a career
is just fine,

but it's no substitute
for marriage.

Don't you think So,
miss crewes?

Miss gillis,
i think So...

Passionately,
i think So.

Honestly, don't you
think marriage

is just the most
important thing
in the world?

I mean, a woman
isn't really
a woman at all

until she's
been married
and had children.

And why? Because
she's fulfilled.
Isn't that right?

Right.

You agree?

Of course I do.

What red-blooded
American boy
doesn't?

This red-blooded
American boy doesn't.

Why not?

Well, in order
to be fulfilled,
you have to have a man,

and it might be
just possible that
what fulfills you

might not fulfill him.

My man, it will.

You have your
specifications?

Well, yes. I know
everything except
his blood type.

Tell us about it.

You mean it?

Because this is
something I could
talk about all day.

You're on,
miss gillis.

Well,
the first thing
i want in a man,

he's got to love
children.

How many do you
think you'd like?

3.

That's the magic
number.

But not right away.

The first two years
we're going to live
in New York.

I mean, we'll be young,
and we'll want to have
lots of fun,

and there's no better
place to have fun than
New York, is there?

The children
will come later.

But not in New York?

No, we'll move to
the country for that.

Oh, probably the first
baby will be born
in New York.

At what hospital?

At doctor's--

oh, you're
kidding me.

Never mind him. Tell us
some more. We really
are interested.

Fascinated.

Look, I know
this sounds crazy if
you don't know me,

but people
that know me think
it's quite normal.

I'm sure they do,
miss gillis.

You have a house
in the country
and the baby,

and now what
do you do?

I have two more
babies.

I didn't say
a thing.

Yes?

Well, when the kids
get out of scarsdale
public high school--

oh...scarsdale.

Well, certainly.

Everyone knows they
have the best school
system in the country.

Joe: of course.
Everybody knows that.

Now, Joe...

I mean it. Everybody
in Indianapolis sends
their kids to scarsdale.

I've been kidded
about this before,

but I do know
what I want.

That's good. Go on.
Tell us more.

Well,
as I was saying,

when the kids get
out of high school
and go to college--

miss gillis, don't you
think you're just getting
a little ahead of yourself?

Well, after all,

a person just can't
go on ad-libbing his
way through life.

Well, some do.

Some have to.

Julie: sure, but that's
because they made
their plans too late.

I wish I knew the answer
to that one.

Well, now that
I've told you all
my girlish dreams--

do you really
have to go?

I really have to.
Miss crewes.

Good-bye.

I'll get you
a taxicab.

No, don't bother.
Mr. McCall.

Oh, I couldn't think
of letting the mother
of 3 children

walk out on the streets
alone in this sinful
old city of New York.

Good-bye.

See you later.

Bye.

That is the most
terrifying child
i ever met in my life.

I'm a little shaky
myself.

Tell me, miss gillis,
what are your plans
for the next 400 years?

Oh, well,
first, I shall have
some children.

Oh? and how do you
intend to have them?

The usual way.

No, I mean
in what order?

Oh, well, first
a boy, then a girl,
then another boy,

and then a...
Chocolate cream.

And what typical little
American community do
you intend to live in?

Las Vegas...
Where else?

[Laughing]

You know how it is
with contracts.

It'll probably be
a week or two before we have
anything for you to sign,

So meanwhile, how about
you and I having dinner
tomorrow night?

Together?

Of course.

Why?

Why?!

Well, I mean,
for what reason?

Does there have
to be a reason for
a male and female

to sit down and
break bread together?

I mean, tomorrow night
you'll probably be hungry,
and you'll want to eat.

But why with you?

Well, it's a simple
question, isn't it?

Yes. I wish I had
a simple answer.

I wish I had
any answer.

Well, I'll put it
the other way around.

Tomorrow night,
you'll be hungry and
want to have dinner...

But why with me?

Miss gillis,
through the years

I have found that
sitting across the table
with a beautiful girl

is not only pleasant,
but it's awfully good
for my digestion.

Well, I've only known
you a few minutes,

but you seem
fairly nice.

You're even attractive
in an off-beat,
beat-up sort of way.

Thanks a lot.

But I can't have dinner
with every nice,
attractive man I meet.

It's not part
of my plan.

How was that plan again?

My marriage plan.

When I meet
somebody new,

and I don't feel
an immediate chemistry
between us...

Well, I'm polite,
but that's all.

And you mean that
you feel nothing chemical
between you and me?

Exactly.
thank you very much
for the coffee.

You do understand
why I can't have dinner
with you, don't you?

It's crystal clear,
miss gillis.

Good. good night.

About time
you got here.

Were you kidding
with what you told
me on the phone?

I was not.
There she sits.
You talk to her.

Man: Ethel Barrymore signed
a contract like this.

Helen Hayes,
Sarah bernhardt...

Fellas, I'd like to have
a couple of minutes alone
with miss gillis.

Hello, Julie.

Are you going
to shout at me,
too, Mr. reader?

No, I'm not, Julie.
As a matter of fact,
I'm going to be very quiet.

I just want to get
right to the point.

To save you time,
you don't have
to tell me

how it's a tradition
of the theater

for everybody to sign
a run-of-the-play
contract.

Good.
then we can skip that.

But do you think
it's fair to Mr. sayers
and the investors

that you quit 4 1/2 months
after the show opens?

I'm sorry,
but if I postpone
my marriage once,

I may postpone it
again.

I can't take
the chance.

I'm afraid I can
only sign a contract
until march 12.

What's So special
about march 12?

Well, that's when my
mother and father were
married--on march 12.

And in my plan, that's
the absolute deadline.

It just doesn't
make sense, Julie,

because just the other day,
you told me

that you hadn't even met
your young man yet.

Oh, but I will.

If you have a plan,
and you really
believe in it,

it'll work.

Uh, why don't we go
over to berger's and
talk this over, huh?

No, thanks.
I've already had lunch.

Well, we could have
dinner tonight--

oh, Mr. reader,
I've already
explained to you

how I feel about
dinner with you.

Julie...

This is not chemistry,
it's business!

You promised me
you wouldn't shout.

I've got to get
some air.

Charlie, what happened?

Sayers: did she sign?

Sam, best thing to do is
to sign her until march,

and maybe I can
get her to change
her mind by then.

Where are you going?

The nearest bar.

Wait.
I'll go with you.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

No, I'm sorry, he's not.

Yes.

Yes, I'll tell him.
Thank you.

[Telephone ringing]

Hello?

No, I'm sorry, he isn't.

Miss snur?

Would you spell that, please?

S-n-r?

Yes, miss snr.

United nations, Thursday night,
curry dinner.

I shall tell him. Bye.

Miss snr.
What kind of a name is that?

[Telephone rings]

Just give me
the facts, ma'am.

Oh, hello, Jessica.
How are you?

[Door closes]

No, I'm sorry,
he hasn't come in yet.

Oh, really?
Yeah, I'll tell him
as soon as he gets in.

Hi, Joe.

Hiya, sheik.

What did Jessica want?

What they all want...

To feed you, caress you,
burp you...

Sew monograms
on your stupid shirts.

Oh, did Carol get
the thread for
the monograms?

Yes, she did.

Good girl.

And Jessica
stumbled across
a brand-new cheese.

S-n-r?

Yeah.
that's miss snr.

She wants you
to come over Thursday
evening and curry her.

You're a good boy,
Joe.

Look for something
a little extra special in
your pay envelope Saturday.

I hope you don't mind
i tied up your telephone

for about three minutes
this afternoon with
a personal call.

Ethel phoned.

Oh? how is she?

Well, she says she's
restless and bored,

and she's going
to carpet the bathroom.

[Telephone ringing]

You answer it.
I'm developing
a cauliflower ear.

Hello? oh,
how are you, sayers.

No, I don't know
where she is.

She didn't show
for rehearsal at all?

Well, all I can
suggest, pal,

is maybe you better call
the police station or
the nearest hospital.

Maybe you ought to try
the morgue.

Oh, I know it's
no joke, sayers.

What do you mean,
you're sorry she came into
your life? How about me?

She wouldn't even
have dinner with me.

Yeah. if I hear from her,
I'll call you. Bye.

The gillis dame
didn't even show up
for the rehearsal.

What do you think
of that?

I try not
to think of her,
and I'm succeeding.

Man on TV:
And now nbc takes you
to the knightsbridge armory

and the American home show.

Before we show you the exciting
innovations in homemaking,

we will turn our cameras
on the enthusiastic crowds
that have gathered here.

Hey, Charlie,
come here.

What's up?

Look at that.

TV: we come now to the feature
of homemaker's haven,

the kitchen of tomorrow--

gadgetry that does away
with drudgery.

Is this what you
hustled me in here for?

Wait, wait.
Look at the audience.

If anyone has any questions,
that's what I'm here for.

Woman: I have a question.
Excuse me.

Egads! it's gillis!

How big a family was
this kitchen designed for?

Man: well, we've planned it
for what the experts say

will be the average
American family in a few years--

husband, wife,
and 3 children.

Oh, that's perfect!

I got to get up there
and get her down
to rehearsal.

Why you?

'Cause it's
my responsibility.
I'm her agent.

Oh, come on, now.
Don't give me that agent
responsibility bit.

This chick has got you
tied up in knots

because she won't have
anything to do with you.

You don't know what
you're talking about, boy.

Stay away from this girl.
She's a trap with
the trigger all set.

So what? Do you
think I'd kick away
a setup like this?

I don't know, Charlie.
Why did you keep falling
out of that tree house?

I have not fallen
out of a tree house
in years.

Don't you worry
about old Charlie.

Huh. there's a familiar
ring. "Don't worry
about old Charlie."

Isn't that what
you used to scream as
you fell over the edge?

That's funny.

Hey, wait a minute.

You got a date with Sylvia.
You're supposed to
pick her up at nbc.

You're a college graduate.
You think of something.

No, Mr. Wilson,
it just isn't--

may I point out again
that this house

was planned by
the world's greatest
modern architect.

I can't put
my finger on it,
but I just know--

oh, hello, Mr. reader.
What are you doing here?

Now, that's a funny thing.
I was just going to ask you
the same question.

Seems I have a childish idea
that you're long overdue
at rehearsal.

Oh, my goodness!
I just stopped in
for a few minutes.

Oh, I must've been
here for hours.

In that case, let's go.

I just want to ask
you one question,
then we'll go.

Does the combination
of this room and
this furniture...

And Mr. Wilson in that chair
do anything for you?

I don't know.
Is it supposed to?

Well, yes. You see,
i love this style house,
and I love this decor,

but when a man sits
in that chair, it just
doesn't seem to gel.

It sort of goes
out of focus.

It isn't your fault,
Mr. Wilson.

4 other men were
good enough to sit in
that chair for me, but I...

You haven't any idea
of what I'm talking
about, have you?

Have you?

Mr. Wilson,
will you please get up

and let Mr. reader
sit right down here?

You're two hours late
as it is.

Believe me, sir,
blind obedience
works out best.

What did I do?

It's amazing.
The room seems
So different now...

All at once.

Do you see it,
Mr. Wilson?

Ok, class is over.
Let's go, Julie.

Mr. Wilson, you must
come and visit us
sometime.

Yes, but the chair--

thank you very much.

Amazing.

All right, Julie.

Amazing.
this way.

Hello, Sylvia.

Oh, Joe! What brings you
to this windswept corner?

Anything to do with
Charlie not being here?

Uh, well,
as a matter of fact...

All right, lad,
let's have it.

Well, it's just
a matter that...

Charlie getting
a call from...

Uh, his draft board?

Uh, no, no, no.

His boss called
an emergency
staff meeting,

and, uh...

Would you care to
look me in the eye,
Mr. McCall?

Not particularly.

You know, I don't
mind being lied to

if I felt that
a little work went
into the lie--

a little
imagination.

It was Charlie's idea
that perhaps I could
fill in for him...

That is, if it's
all right with you.

Let's have a look
at you.

Pirouette slowly.

You'll do.

Then you're my date?

I see no way out of it.
I'm your date.

You're, uh... angry
with Charlie and me,
aren't you?

No, I'm not.

Really, I'm not.

Why not?
You should be.

Well, I have a high I.Q.
And a low boiling point.

How would you like
to buy me a malted milk

and a tuna fish sandwich
at the corner drugstore?

Why, I'd be delighted.

And maybe we could
have a drink someplace
afterwards.

Who knows?
The night is young,
we're middle-aged...

Anything can happen.

Shall we dance?

♪ You see a pair
of laughing eyes ♪

♪ and suddenly
you're sighing sighs ♪

♪ you're thinking
nothing's wrong ♪

♪ you string along, boy ♪

♪ then snap! ♪

♪ Those eyes, those sighs ♪

♪ they're part of
the tender trap ♪

♪ you're hand-in-hand
beneath the trees ♪

♪ and soon there's music
in the breeze ♪

♪ you're acting
kind of smart ♪

♪ until your heart
just goes whap! ♪

♪ Those trees, that breeze ♪

♪ they're part of
the tender trap ♪

♪ some starry night ♪

♪ when his kisses
make you tingle ♪

♪ he'll hold you tight ♪

♪ and you'll hate yourself
for being single ♪

♪ and all at once,
it seems So nice ♪

♪ the folks are throwing
shoes and rice ♪

♪ you hurry to a spot
that's just a dot on the map ♪

♪ you wonder how
it all came about ♪

♪ it's too late now,
there's no gettin' out ♪

♪ you fell in love,
and love is the tender trap ♪

Eddie: all right!
Not bad for
the first try.

I liked it. It had
a lot of schmaltz.
That's all, please.

That's all, everybody.
Tomorrow morning,
10:00 sharp!

Including
miss gillis.

What did you think
of it, Mr. reader?

Comme ci, comme ca.

But you heard what
the director said.

He said it had
a lot of schmaltz.

That's surface
schmaltz, Julie--
the worst kind.

You can't throw a song
like that away.

It's got to have
more warmth.

Look, I'll show you
what I mean.

[Plays piano]

♪ You see a pair
of laughing eyes ♪

♪ and suddenly
you're sighing sighs ♪

♪ you're thinking
nothing's wrong ♪

♪ you string along, boy ♪

♪ then snap! ♪

♪ Those eyes, those sighs ♪

♪ they're part of
the tender trap ♪

You see what I mean?

You just got to let it
settle a little bit.

♪ You're hand-in-hand
beneath the trees ♪

♪ and soon there's music
in the breeze ♪

♪ you're acting
kind of smart ♪

♪ until your heart
just goes whap! ♪

♪ Those trees, that breeze ♪

♪ they're part of
the tender trap ♪

♪ some starry night ♪

♪ when her kisses
make you tingle ♪

♪ she'll hold you tight ♪

♪ and you'll hate yourself
for being single ♪

♪ and all at once,
it seems So nice ♪

♪ the folks are throwing
shoes and rice ♪

♪ you hurry to a spot
that's just a dot on the map ♪

♪ voom voom voom voom ♪

♪ you wonder how
it all came about ♪

♪ it's too late now,
there's no gettin' out ♪

♪ you fell in love ♪

♪ and love is
a tender trap ♪

Oh, gee,
that was nice.

Well, I'm starved.
Let's go to dinner.

Together?

Of course. Come on.

[Runs finger down keyboard]

♪ You see a pair
of laughing eyes ♪

♪ and suddenly
you're sighing sighs ♪

♪ you're thinking
nothing's wrong ♪

♪ you string along, boy ♪

♪ then snap! ♪

♪ Those eyes, those sighs ♪

♪ they're part of
the tender trap ♪

[No audio]

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Oh, hello, Poppy.

No, he hasn't
come in yet.

Sure, I'll tell him.
I won't forget.

Bye.

[Door opens]

Oh, hi, Joe.

Your entire harem
called.

Good girls.

The last one was Poppy.
Her uncle's whitefish
is in town.

Her uncle's what?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I remember.
Julie call?

No.

Well, she should
be here any minute.

Fix you a drink,
Joe?

No, thank you.
Why do you have to
romance that little girl?

Oh, relax, will you,
rover?

In the first place,
she's made of cast iron.

In the second place,
she's too young for you.

Third place,
you got more dames now

than you know what
to do with.

And in the fourth place,
you have got a little
trouble yourself, boy.

I've been watching it
develop.

The symptoms
are classic--

short temper,
jangled nerves...

And you've been rude
to your friends and
your loved ones.

What you need, son,
is a little female
companionship.

Thank you very much,
doctor.

It's nothing. Now, Joe,
don't sit around

by yourself again
tonight, will you?

As a matter of fact,
I'm not.

Aha! you have a date.

Mm-hmm.

Who is she?
Anybody I know?

Yes. Sylvia.

Again?

Again.

Well, that's great,
Joe, just great.

Did she call you?

No, I called her.
Now, there's a switch.

Oh.

As a matter of fact,
I'm on my way to
pick her up now.

Forgive me for setting
a precedent.

As a matter of
another fact,

I've got
two dates with
Sylvia tonight--

one for dinner
and one for after
her concert.

Good night, sultan.

[Doorbell buzzes]

Hi, honey.

Hi, Charlie.

Hey.

Aw, wait a minute.
You can do better
than that.

Yes, I can.

Oh, hello, Helen.

Hello, Charlie.

Uh, how did Joe
behave today?

Like an angel.

Like a...

Will you please
tell me who
that girl is?

Be good, Joe.

So long, Charlie.
See you tomorrow.

Yeah, uh...
Yeah, So long, Helen.

Thanks a lot.

Well...just who is
miss deadpan?

Oh, uh...She's a...
She's a professional
dog Walker.

Yeah, that's what
she is. She walks
the dog every day.

I never heard
of a professional
dog Walker.

And why does she have
to be So attractive?

I...i never noticed
that she was particularly
attractive.

What's the matter,
Julie?

Gee whiz, you came
in here with a chip
on your shoulder.

Well...

Well, I'm getting
sick and tired of it.

Charlie, I haven't
complained before, but
do you think I like it?

Like what?

Look, I know this is
the atomic age,

and we're two
civilized adults--
you made that clear.

But a girl still doesn't
like to call for a man
at his apartment

or meet him at a bar...

Especially when
the whole evening
has been planned

without any
consultation.

Consultation?

That's right.

Every date we've had
has been all figured
out by you.

You've never asked
me once--not once--
what I wanted to do.

Oh, well, honey,
I'm sorry.

Honest, I'm sorry,
baby.

You should've
mentioned it to me.

Look, from here on in,
there'll be a change.

What do you want
to do tonight?

Well, I...
I don't know.

We've got the whole town.
Just name something.

Gee, I don't know...
What do you want?

Oh, no.
No, no, not I.

This is your evening.

Oh.

Well...

Just take your time.
Just think about it.

[Whistling]

Of course, I could...

I could make
a tiny suggestion.

Yes?

Well, there's
a wonderful restaurant
down on bank street

where they serve
the world's greatest
paella valenciana.

Yeah?

And then after that,
we could go up the street
a few blocks

where there's a little
Mexican joint I haven't
been to in a long time.

They got a crazy 5-piece
rhumba band, the best
you've ever danced to.

Then we could pad
right across the street--

that is,
if you wanted to--

to a lovely little cafe
where they serve up

the best coffee
and guitar music
in the whole city.

Charlie?

Hmm?

The next time
i tell you I want
to plan an evening,

just don't listen.

All right, I won't.

Because you know
more about how
to please a lady

than any other man
on the eastern
seaboard.

Thank you.

And there's no other lady
i would rather please.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now, if you'll give me
a few seconds,

I'll go in and change,
and we'll be on our way.

Swell. in the meantime,
I'll just read your mail.

Swell.

Uh, Julie...

Julie...

What's the matter?

Nothing. you're just...
So cute, that's all.

Well, So are you.

I'm glad you think So.

Now, as long as we're going
to a Spanish joint,

why don't we tango
right to the door?

I'm with you.

[Sings tango rhythm]

Ain't this joint
the most?

I think it's dull.

Oh. well, we could
traipse across the street
to another joint.

No, thanks. I've had
enough entertainment
for one evening.

Well, I can't take you
home now. What would
your mother say?

I don't know.
Mom's in Boston
visiting my aunt.

Oh? is she going
to be there long?

I don't think
she'll be back
'til tomorrow night.

And your father...
I guess he's home, huh?

Papa goes
where mama goes,

and papa won't be home
'til Monday night.

Well. you know,
this joint is
a little dull.

How could you
suggest it, anyway?

Me?!

Watch it.
Stand back, buddy.

Here. move out.
Thank you very much.

Excuse me. Bye.

I like this idea.

I don't know
who I'm fonder of...

You or that aunt of yours
up in Boston.

Charlie, I think
you'd better go.

Why?

Because I'm
a well-brought-up girl,

and that's the remark
my parents would
expect me to make.

Of course, you could
prolong things by asking
for a nightcap.

Miss gillis, may I have
a slug of scotch?

Certainly,
but it'll take
a minute

because mom's
a teetotaler,

and pop hides
the stuff
in my hatboxes.

[Whistling]

[Chuckles]

Is water all right?

Yeah, fine.

[Whistling]

Say, these the folks?

Julie: uh-huh.

Hmm. they look
evenly matched.

Except perhaps
i think mom may have
40 pounds on him.

I know what
you're thinking.

Let me ask
you something. Here.

Has your dad
got his hair?

Oh, a wisp
here and there.

All right,
we'll make a pact.

You won't get bald,
and I won't get fat.

I'll drink to that.

Now, what's
on the agenda?

Hmm.

Let's neck.

What a sound idea.

Mmm.

Mmm.

You know, I've been
meaning to tell you
something for days.

Hmm?

You are
the softest girl.

Tell me more.

I'd be delighted.

One second.

Why did you do that?

Well, because some words
take on a different
meaning in the dark.

Ohh.

Mmm.

Charlie.

Mm-hmm?

You're not talking.
You're nibbling.

I'm afraid your
idea of necking and
my idea of necking

are a little
far apart.

So?

So in the meantime
we'll just sit
quietly and...

And what?

And, uh, and
look at television.

Oh, goody.

And perhaps later
we can go out in the kitchen
and make some fudge.

TV announcer:
Remember this 6-cylinder,

4-door, white-walled, dynothamic
convertible, only 1,790.

1790? was that
a good year for cars?

Shh.

Announcer:
and now back to our movie.

I'll see you again
in a few minutes with
another fantastic offer.

Ahem.

Oh, maybe
watching television
wasn't such a good idea.

No, it's not
a good idea at all.

No, I think i
better forget about
that whole thing.

Uh...are you
interested in art?

Well, I could
pretend to be.

That's good,

because daddy bought
me the loveliest
book for Christmas.

It's just full of

wonderful reproductions
of renaissance
masterpieces.

This is more
than I'd hoped for.

Now, before you scoff,
just take a look at
some of these.

A corot. Isn't
the detail amazing?

Mm-hmm.

Michelangelo's
Jeremiah.

How are you, myer?

You're impossible.

Say, do you suppose
her folks are out of town?

Honestly.

Wait, wait, hold it.
Just one second.

I want to drink in
all this amazing detail.

Ohh.

Charlie.

Julie.

Julie.

No, no, Charlie.

Oh, darling, there's
no use trying to fight it.

Everything is
conspiring against us.

Science and the arts
and the animal kingdom.

Charlie, you
mustn't let them
give you any ideas.

I swear to you
it's my own idea.

But, Charlie, they're
the happiest married couple
in the neighborhood.

They're entitled--

mmm.

[Rustling]

What did I say?
I didn't say anything.

Charlie, how many girls
are there in your life?

What?

I said, how many
other girls are there
in your life?

Oh...

Carol and...

Jane and...

That's about it.

Poppy, Jessica,
miss snr, Helen.
What about them?

Oh, well, they're second
stringers. They practically
never get in the game.

Ha ha ha!

You're not funny.

How many are there?

Oh, now, baby, you know
better than to ask that
kind of a question.

I'm sorry.

This is a new game
to me. I don't know
the rules.

Julie, relax!

How many?

Sweetie, it's
a beautiful night,

and your folks
are up in Boston,

and there's nobody
in the whole wide world
except you and me.

And tomorrow?

Tomorrow, same thing.

We could go riding or--

and Monday?

What do you want?
A contract?

No. all I want is
a straight answer
to a straight question.

How many other girls
are there in your life?

496.

There used to be 497,
until one of them started
asking questions

that were none
of her darn business.

Thank you.

You are welcome.

Well, why don't
you cry now?

Doesn't that come next?

First the silly questions
and then the silly answers
and then the tears.

Go on! Do the whole bit!

You listen to me.

Will you
listen to me?

Listen to me,
god's gift to women!

And listen good!

From now on
you're going to call
for me at my house.

You're going to
ask me how I want to
spend the evening,

and you're going
to meet my folks and
be polite to them,

and you're going
to bring me
candy and flowers!

Candy?

And you're going
to drop every one
of those other girls.

All 496 of them!

Now, why would I want
to do a thing like that?

Because I love you.

Because you what?

That's right.

Because I love you.

You think that's such
a wonderful thing?

Being in love with you?

I never wanted to.
I don't want to now.

You're selfish,
you're arrogant,
you're spoiled.

You're much
too old for me.

Now see here!

Too old, I said!
Too old!

Too selfish,
too arrogant,
too spoiled!

Oh, lord knows
why I love you,
but I do,

and that's why
there's going to be some
changes made right now.

Now, listen--

you listen!

You're very big
with your terrace and
your fancy nightclubs

and your professional
dog walkers,

but let me tell
you something--

you've got a lot
to learn about women!

Me?

Yes, you. And I'm going
to try to straighten you out
if it's not too late.

I'm going to try to
make a man out of you...

Because that's what
i want to marry--a man!

Marry?!

Who--who asked you?

Well!

What's this all about?

If you don't intend
to marry me, say So now
because that's what I want!

Not a terrace,
not pallala valezzio,
whatever you call it.

Just a plain old marriage.

And a house and kids
and a life
that makes some sense.

Are you
all through now?

Yes.

I take it, then,
this is an ultimatum.

Yes.

And you want me
to marry you,

but first you
want me to reform
and mend my ways.

Yes.

All right, now let
a selfish, spoiled,
arrogant old man

tell you
a couple of things.

Before you
propose to a man,
wait until he shows you

at least
a little indication
that he's interested.

Also, do not start
by telling him he is
a decrepit, old louse.

So much
for generalities.

Now let us get
down to cases.

I have never said
that I wanted
to marry you,

nor am I moved
to do So right now.

Assuming I did
want to get married,

I know a girl who
comes a lot closer

to my idea of being
a wife than you do!

Humph!

In fact there are
many, many girls!

Why, she...

This is my apartment!
You get out!

[Mockingly]
this is my apartment.
You get out. Tch!

Ok, what happened?

If she thinks I'm
going to sit around here

and wait for her to phone
me and apologize to me,
she's sadly mistaken, boy.

You and miss stonewall
Jackson have words?

You're still on your
feet. It must have
been a technical k.O.

Oh, shut up.

[Door buzzer]

Get that, will you?

Still the shank of
the evening anyway.

Candy and flowers! Tch!

There are
any number of girls
who will have me.

Just as I am, too.

It's Helen.
All right,
what happened?

She--Helen? Helen!

Helen!

Oh, hello, Charlie.

I just wanted to tell
you how much I appreciate
you walking Joe every day.

Oh, it's nothing,
Charlie.

I thought it would
be a nice idea

if tonight you and i
went out and had
a big fat dinner.

I'm sorry, Charlie,
i can't.

Well, why not?

Well, you see, it's
really Joey's fault.

Well, two weeks ago
last Monday,

Joey met a lovely poodle
on the corner of 57th
and second Avenue

named Florence.

Florence has
a lovely owner named
Peter carruthers.

Well, as Joey got to
know Florence better,

I got to know
Pete better and, well,

last night we decided
to get married.

Married?

When?

Wednesday.

Wednesday. oh, well,
you can still go out
with me tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry,
Charlie, I can't.

But I'll be
eternally grateful
to you and Joey.

Oh, course, after
Wednesday, you'll have
to walk him by yourself.

Bye.

[Door closes]

What's So funny?

Do you realize this
poor girl is going to
marry a poodle owner?

Poodle owners make
terrible husbands.

Won't catch me
sitting around here
by myself tonight.

Not this kid. No, sir.

Any number of girls...

Western union.

I'd like to send
a telegram.

Saks fifth Avenue,
New York.

When a man comes in
and pays $15 for a tie,

is it too much
to expect the
stinking tie to tie?

$15 for this tie!

I used to buy
a suit for $15!

[Door buzzer]

Not you. You're
in no condition
to answer anything.

[Door buzzer]

Ah, I don't know
why I don't wear
bow ties anyway.

Joe: oh, hi, Poppy.

Poppy: Joe.

Poppy!
Poppy, you doll!

How did you know
that in all the world

the only person I wanted
to see was beautiful you?

Darling, look out,
oh, look out.

Oh, a present for me!
You shouldn't have done it.

I had to.

Nonsense. all you
had to do was bring
your little old sweet...

Self.

What the heck is it?

Well, Charlie,
you know how small
my refrigerator is.

I can't freeze it
in there.

Well, look at
your refrigerator--

9 cubic feet
and 4 Pearl onions.

Oh, this is your
uncle's whitefish.

No, Charlie,
it's your whitefish.

Oh, well, I'm
delighted to have it,

and, well, you're
a doll to bring it,

and I'll take
very good care of it.

There's something I'd
like to ask you, Poppy.

Uh...

You are, are you not,
the girl who loves
paella valenciana

better than anything
else in the world?

That's me,
I'm the girl.

And you are,
are you not,

the girl who always
shouts "ole!" Whenever
you hear guitar music?

I'm the girl
that does it. Ole!

Then you must be
the girl who's going
with me right now

downtown to hear some
Spanish music and eat
some Spanish food, yes?

No.

No?

Well, why not?

Because I have a date
with somebody else.
He's waiting downstairs.

Oh? and is he going
to take you downtown
and buy you espadrille

and feed you
paella valenciana?

No, he is
going to take me to
radio city music hall

and afterwards,
if it's not too late,
schrafft's.

What's your problem?
Get rid of the square,
and we'll go.

But he is going
to call me tomorrow.

Oh?

Well, does that make him
some sort of a hero?

It's polite, Charlie.
It's gentlemanly.

Are you calling
me a louse?

Oh, certainly not.
I wouldn't dream of
calling you a louse.

A stinker?

Poppy:
a stinker. That's it.

Thanks a lot.

Por nada.

Well, then,
i guess it's good-bye.

Why?

After what
you just called me--

a stinker?

But, sweetie,
i never thought you
were anything else.

Now, you take good care
of that whitefish. Bye.

What are you
doing tonight?

What's So amusing?

Retribution, Charles.

Comeuppance.

You're being paid back...

For all the phone calls
you promised to return
and didn't,

for all the cheeses
you didn't eat,

for all the girls
you fondled and forgot...

You're being paid back.

And all in one day.

That's the beauty of it.

What's eating you, Joe?

I'm your best friend,
and I tell you
you're a louse.

You're one of the few
really indecent men
i ever met.

Go ahead.
Punch me in the nose.

Why should I?
You'd punch back.

Beside how indecent
can I be if a girl
like Sylvia thinks--

Sylvia!

You don't have
to call Sylvia.

She'll be here
in a few minutes.

She's coming
to pick me up.

She said it
would be nostalgic.

Now, look, Joe,
I'm a pretty broad-
minded fellow.

To put it mildly.

And I'm not stuffy
or anything like that,

but I don't want you
to see Sylvia again.

Why not?

Because you are
a married man,
that's why.

And Sylvia's a girl who--
well, she's got marriage
on her mind. Have you?

Have you?

No, but I'm
in a position to.
You're not.

You got a wife
and 3 kids.

Now, you keep away
from Sylvia.

Listen, you jerk.

You want me to
keep away from Sylvia?
Then do just one thing.

Marry her!

Marry her?

Yes!

This is a lady.

A first-class,
triple-distilled,
"a" number-one lady.

This isn't
a trophy you hang
in your game room.

This is a girl
you marry!

Why don't you
lay off me?

All you married guys
are alike!

Just because
you're hooked,

you want everybody
else to be hooked.

Well, that's your
problem, buster!

[Door slams]

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Look, I'm sorry.
I know we haven't met,

but it's just that
I've seen you someplace.

Well, it's
this face of mine.

It's what everybody's
wearing this season.

[Chuckles]

Hi.

Hi.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Well, look...

I haven't known you long,
but I know you pretty well.

What is it?

Charlie and I have
been at each other.

Oh? what about?

About you.

Really?
I'm flattered.

He thinks I shouldn't
go out with you.

This from
a man who hasn't even
called you in two weeks.

Oh, that's
just Charlie's way.

I don't get it.
Anything this guy does
is ok with you.

Why do you let him
shove you around?

You're a beautiful
woman. You're talented.
You're intelligent.

You're everything
a man dreams about.

Why do you stand for it?

Oh, Joe.

Dear Joe.

How can I tell you?

We come to this town
from Springfield
and des moines

and fort worth
and salt lake city.

We're young,
we're pretty,
and we're talented.

All we have to do to
get married is stay home,

but the boys back home
don't have what we want.

We got our eyes
on something else--

a career, glamour,
excitement.

And this is the place
to find it.

So we come to New York,
and we do pretty well.

Not great,
but pretty well.

We make a career.
We find the excitement
and the glamour.

We go to first nights.
We buy little mink stoles.

Headwaiters call us
by name. It's fun.
It's wonderful.

'Til one fine day
we look around and
we're 33 years old,

and we haven't got a man.

Oh, surely you can--

hmm-mmmmm.

Joe, do you have
any idea what's available
to a woman of 33?

Married men,

drunks, pretty boys
looking for someone
to support them,

lunatics looking for
their fifth divorce.

Quite a list, isn't it?

So we set our cap
for Charlie.

He's eligible.
He's attractive.

He's employed
and reasonably sane.

But you don't
love him, do you?

How did the word love
ever creep into
this conversation?

Sylvia, there are worse
things for a girl than
not getting married.

Name three.

Honey, I can't let
you throw yourself away.

Do you have any
other ideas, Joe?

Sylvia, I'm...

So here we are.

Salaam, sultan.

Sylvia, darling.

What's the matter?

I'm blind,
and I'm stupid.

Joe, you were
absolutely right.

You've opened my eyes.

I know what
i have to do.

Charlie, what's wrong?

Here you are,
a first-class,
"a" number-one,

triple-distilled lady.

What better thing
in the world
could happen to me?

What better favor
could I do for myself?

Oh, what is it?

Sylvia...

M-m-marry me.

Well, you will,
won't you?

I will.

Good,
that's settled.

Why are you crying?

Don't be alarmed.
Just standard
operational procedure.

Yes, sir, this is
the smartest thing
I've ever done in my life,

and you
darn well know it.

Mm-hmm.

What kind of a happy
occasion is this?

She stands up there
weeping bitter tears,

and you stand here
grunting at me.

Where are all
the shoes and rice
and the Roman candles?

Charlie, I want to
wish you all the best
luck in the world.

Well, you should.
This was your idea.

You all right?
No more crying?

If you think that was
crying, wait 'til you
catch me at the wedding.

Yeah, I may be doing
a good deal of that myself.

Well, this is
a jolly occasion.

Yeah, there's much
too much gloom here.

Let's get blind!

Little large,
isn't it?

Live a little bit.
How many times in your life
do you get engaged?

Huh-uh.

This isn't my party.
I'll pour my own.

Party! that's
what we need!

We'll have the wing-dingingest
party anybody ever saw.

Party?

Yeah, and we'll
start by calling
the dunstocks.

Wonderful people,
the dunstocks.

She happens to be
a little stuffy,

but he--well, I guess
he is a little, too.

Hello, Harry?
How are you, old pirate?

This is Charlie reader.

Yeah, I know,
but I've been busy.

Listen, grab
that little wife of yours

and slip her
into something seductive

and get right over here.

Yes, we're going
to have the biggest
brawl you ever saw.

Oh? well, bring them along.
We'll feed them.

I don't care how many. 8?

Bring them over.
That-a boy! Bye.

Well, we got a start.

You better get some
more Pearl onions.

Now, let me see,
who else should we ask?

How about Danny Fitzpatrick,
honey? Is he in or out
of the clink?

In.

Oh, that's a shame.
He plays great piano.

You haven't got
a piano.

That wouldn't
stop Danny.

We got to get
some musicians.

They're more fun
than earth people.

Sol steiner?

You're a genius.

And one thing about sol
is you always know
where to reach him,

and if he's not there,
he's just not in town.

Curly's bar?
Hey, is sol steiner there?

Yeah, I'll wait.

Sol's taking a cure.
He's trying
to get back on liquor.

Sol, old man!
Was machst du?

Hey, how would you like to come
up and have some free drinks?

My place. I'm getting
engaged, that's why.

To Sylvia, who else?

Listen, can you get in touch
with Eddie and Louise?

I know they're
with you, but can you
get in touch with them?

Yeah, bring them along.

What?

Honey, Fitzpatrick is out.

There goes the lease.

Yeah, bring them along, too.

That-a boy. Bye.

What? who is--
this is Charlie reader,
you idiot. Hurry up.

If I know curly's, everybody in
the joint will make a left turn
and follow sol right up here.

Get me a glass,
will you, Joe?

[Door buzzer]

[Charlie humming
wedding march]

Hiya, honey.

I just thought
I'd bring up this
little old cheese.

I called you
about it. Oh.

Jessica,
this is my fiancee.

Miss Collins,
miss crewes.

How do you do?

Your what?

My fiancee.

You mean
you're engaged?

Yes.

To be married?

Yes.

A wedding present.

Thank you.

Uh, we're going to have
a wing-a-ding-ding brawl
here tonight,

and you're
cordially invited.

Jessica: thank you, Charlie,
but I got a date with some
of the girls for dinner.

Girls. why don't you
bring the girls with you?

No.

We're going
to have laughs
and all get blind.

Well, on second
thought, yes...

Tiiiigerrr.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Ahem.

[Southern accent]
Friend of yours,
honey?

No. listen,
we better get some food

as long as we're
going to have a party,
don't you think?

With 34 people
coming for dinner?
What for?

I'll go get
some things.

Yeah, that's it.
You go on up to
the delicatessen,

and Joe and I'll
stay here and get
the bottles open.

Get some of the fancy stuff
like caviar and sturgeon and
Turkey and all that jazz.

Here.
will $1.00 be enough?

I'll be back
in about an hour.

I count the minutes.

Tiiiigerrr!

[Purring]

[Humming wedding march]

Oh, gosh, we'll never
have enough stuff
for all those hoods.

I better go get some.

You want to go
with me, Joe?

No!

Ok, ok, cupid,
I'll go myself.

[Humming]

[Whistling]

Oh, I love you So much.

Oh, I love you, too.

I was just coming up
to tell you I love you.

And I was just
coming to tell you
So, too, darling.

Oh, baby,
you were So right.

I need changing,
i need reforming.

No, no. I like you
just like you are
almost.

I'm the one
who has to change.

I'm too stubborn,
too headstrong,
too--

and why is the meter
still running?!

I've arrived
at my destination!

Too willful,
too unyielding.

From now on,
we'll compromise.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, Charlie, darling,
pay the driver and
let's go upstairs.

We have So much
to talk about.

All right, I will.

No, no, no. You
have an early rehearsal
tomorrow morning,

and I'm
emotionally exhausted,

and I'm going right up
to flop right in bed.

And aren't you?
I'll call you the first
thing in the morning.

Charlie!

I love you.

Oh, I love you, too.
Bye, sleep tight.

Bye.

Go.

[Shouting]

Congratulations,
Mr. reader.

I understand
you're engaged to
a lovely girl.

Two lovely girls!

[Door opens]

[Accordion screeches]

Whatever gave you
the idea that
sue dunstock was stuffy?

I can't think of
many girls that would let
Danny Fitzpatrick

give them a crew haircut.

Who was the girl
in the turkish shoes?

Because I think
I'm engaged to her.

[Coughs]

Sal steiner!

Man, I thought
you'd never get here.

You all right?

Crazy, daddy-o!

Crazy party.

Crazy.

Where's Sylvia?

Home.

What do you mean home?

H-o-m-e. home.
Her place.

I don't dig.
She's engaged to
Charlie, ain't she?

Yep.

And she still goes home?

Without cleaning up?

Man, he must be
crazy to let
that chick go home.

And I don't mean
crazy like cool.

I'm with you.

She is the most!

The end.

What band
are you with?

I'm with the Indiana
pharmaceutical company.

What's the matter, man?
Lose your lip?

You really let
that Sylvia go home?

Oh, hello, sol.
Yeah.

Well, you shouldn't have.
This is a real gone doll.

How'd she ever get on
that Beethoven kick?

I don't know. Haven't
you got a rehearsal or
something this morning?

Oh, yeah,
longines symphonette.

For that you got
to be on time.
They all got watches.

Ha ha ha ha!

Want one for the road?

Yeah, thanks.

[Squealing]

Ha ha ha!

Joe...

I, uh...

There's something
i have to tell you, Joe.

Yeah, well,
i got something
to tell you, too.

[Door buzzer]

Hello, Joe.

Hi.

Hi, Julie.

What's wrong? I've
been trying to get you
on the phone for 3 hours.

Oh, have you?
Well, it hasn't
rung, has it, Joe?

No, no.

I called 20 times.

Well, it must be
something wrong
with the phone.

Danny Fitzpatrick.

What's been
going on here?

Aren't you due
at rehearsal now, dear?

What went on here
last night?

[Mockingly]
yeah, Charlie,
what went on here
last night?

Not a thing. Nothing.
Wouldn't you like
a cup of coffee?

[Door buzzer]

Hello, darling.

Hi, Sylvia.

Hey! ha ha ha!

Well, how are yooooou?

Hi, Joe.

Joe: hi.

What's the matter
with your phone?

I've been trying to
call you all morning.

Danny Fitzpatrick.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

Sylvia, you know
Julie, don't you?

Yes. hello.

Honey.

What brings you
here So bright and
early this morning?

Did you by any chance
find a diamond earring

around here someplace
this morning?
And please say yes.

Diamond
earring?

Joe: no.

Oh, that's terrible.

Sue dunstock's going
out of her mind.

She couldn't reach you this
morning, So she started
calling me at 7:00.

And Harry screaming
at her the whole time.

[With deep voice]
It isn't enough you let
that idiot shave your head?

You had to let him steal
your diamond earring, too?

Ha ha ha!

Must have been
some party last night.

Oh, the greatest.
I haven't played run,
sheep, run in years.

What was it?
An occasion of some kind?

Indeed it was.

What kind
of an occasion?

Sylvia:
a happy occasion.

Ah. hey, we better
look for the earring.

What do you mean
a happy occasion?

What is this,
miss gillis?
The third degree?

I have a right to know.

Sylvia: what right?

The right of
a fiancee. Charlie and i
became engaged last night.

[Together]
what?!

I can't seem to find
the earring back here.

You see, my child,

shortly after
Charlie proposed
to you last night,

he threw a whacking
big party to announce
his engagement.

His engagement
to Sylvia, that is,
not to you.

Perhaps he's planning
on another party for
your engagement later.

Charlie!

Is that true?

Yes.

It's true.

You were engaged
all the time you
were kissing me,

telling me you loved me?

You were engaged
to somebody else?

Yes.

No, I mean, no.
I was, and I wasn't.

Yes and no!
Was and wasn't!

Of all the contemptible--
you are the worst--i never
want to see you again!

Oh, you're a terrible,
terrible man!

Julie!

I found your shoes.

Where were they?

The icebox.

Oh, yeah.

This has been
all in all
a memorable day.

If my luck holds out,
i should get hit by
a truck on the way home.

I couldn't sleep
a wink last night.

Really?

Yeah, I kept
thinking that--

well, thinking that...

I was struggling
with myself.

Who won?

Three things kept me up.

First, I couldn't
let you marry Charlie.

Well, that's
taken care of.

Two?

You remember yesterday
when I told you you
shouldn't marry Charlie?

You asked me if
i had any other ideas?

Yeah.

Well, I have.

I love you, Sylvia.

I think I've loved you
from the first moment
i saw you.

I want you to marry me.

What was the third thing
that kept you up?

How to tell Ethel.

I've got to write her
a long letter.

Wouldn't it be
more manly to tell
her face to face?

That would be
too manly.

Well, there's
always the telephone.

Right now?

What better time?

Sunday. night rates
apply all day.

Are you laughing
at me?

No. not at all.

All right. All right,
I'll call her right now.

Ohh.

We forgot.
Danny Fitzpatrick
cut it.

What about the drugstore
on the corner?

Nothing but phones.

If you haven't got enough
quarters, you can always
reverse the charges.

Well, yeah, but, uh...

What's the matter, Joe?

You want to marry me
but not enough to take
that walk to the drugstore?

Oh, it isn't that.
But a thing like this,
right out of the blue.

I don't want
to shock Ethel.

You see, Ethel
thinks I love her.

But you do.

Joe...

Darling.

Shall I tell
you something?

You think you
love me because I'm
So much like Ethel.

You? like Ethel?

I want wall-to-wall
carpeting and French
provincial furniture

and a house full
of kids all with
good straight teeth.

What did you think?

Moonbeams,
candlelight suppers,
cloud number 7?

Joe, you know what
you've got? You've got
the married man's dream.

You want a girl.
That's what you all
want. A girl.

And that's what
you can never have

because the only way
to have a girl
is not to marry her...

Because then
she becomes a wife.

That's something
entirely different.

No, Sylvia,
you'd be different.

Joe, ask me
one more question.

Ask me if I love you.

I like you, Joe.
I like you very much.

But I don't love you.

On behalf of
the visiting fireman
from Indiana, I thank you.

She slammed the taxi
door on my hand.

Well, I guess it's
your turn now, Sylvia.

Well, Charlie.

There are some girls
who might say

that ours was not
the most romantic
engagement on record.

There are some girls
who might even say

that our entire
courtship left something
to be desired.

As a matter of fact,
I'm one of those girls.

What can I say,
Sylvia?

To say I'm sorry would
just merely be adding
insult to injury.

So what can I say?
That I'm the heel
of all time?

It might make
you happy to know

that right now
I'm the unhappiest
heel of all time.

I know you are,
Charlie, and I'm
sorry, not happy.

Sylvia, you're probably
the most wonderful
woman on this earth

or any other earth.

I agree.

It's just
my tough luck

that I didn't
fall in love with you
and marry you

and let
you make me happy.

I had to fall
in love with Julie.
I love her.

She's nuts,
but I love her.

Then don't you settle
for anyone but Julie.

Don't you be satisfied
with second best.

I know one thing.
There will be no second
best for me anymore.

I'm going to find me
an honest-to-goodness guy

who's looking for
an honest-to-goodness
girl.

Somewhere
in this great city
there must be one.

Oh, thank you for
a lovely engagement.

[Door buzzer]

Oh, I'm sorry to
bust in, but I think
this belongs to you.

Someone threw it up
to my terrace last night.

Look, whoever you are,
i got enough
trouble as it is.

No, I'm not angry.

I'd just like to suggest
that the next time you throw
a party, you invite me.

I love brawls.

Hello.

Well, you boys
won't have to go out
to dinner tonight.

Bye, Charlie.

So long, fireman.

So long, Sylvia.

Thanks.

Where the blazes were
you 12 years ago?

Excuse me.

I, uh, guess you
can't expect too much
service on Sunday.

Don't you play on nbc?

Yes.

That's where
i remember you from.

I never miss a telecast.

You mean you recognized
me from the telecast?

Uh-huh.
violin section.

But they only cut
to us maybe 3 or 4 times
during program.

You forget you're
the only woman
in the section.

Oh.

And the most
decorative one, too,
if I may say So.

Thank you.

I see no reason
why you shouldn't.

Tell me,
the next concert's on
Wednesday, isn't it?

Yes.

I think this time I'm
going to buy a ticket.

Uh, do you know
the question about
bearded people?

I mean, do they
sleep with it under
or over the covers?

I've often wondered
about musicians.

[Door opens]

Do they eat before
or after a concert?

Because I was wondering
if after the concert on
Wednesday you'd come...

Where you going?

Home.

Indianapolis,
gateway to the west.

Leave me here alone?

Alone?

In the morning
your phone will be fixed.

By sunset, you'll be
knee-deep in whitefish
and rare Wisconsin cheeses.

I don't want whitefish.

I don't want rare
Wisconsin cheeses.

Nor do I want Poppy
or Jessica or miss snr.

I just want Julie.

Do you know my idea
of heaven now, Joe?

What?

To be So much in love
with a girl and have
her love you So much

that you
wouldn't think of

taking a vacation
from each other
for 11 years.

11 years!

I got a dog in
there who's got the
straightest teeth.

Doesn't need any
wiring. They don't
even need brushing.

Would you swap that
for your kids, Joe?

No. not unless you
threw in fort Knox
or something.

Well, you know
what I mean.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

Well...i better
rush if I'm going
to catch the 3:00.

Couldn't you
at least stay and
have dinner with me?

I'd like to,
but i--that wouldn't
get me in 'til 1:00.

I don't want Ethel
driving out to the
airport at that hour.

She wouldn't have to.
You could take a cab.

Yeah, but she likes
picking me up.

Come to think of it,
i like being picked up.

Yeah, I guess you
better make the 3:00.

So long, sport.

Thanks for everything.

Good-bye, Joe.

Give my love
to the family.

Ok.

You write now,
you hear?

How long you figure
it will be 'til I see
you again, Joe?

Oh, about 11 years?

[Chuckles]

So long, pal.

Forgot Ethel
and the kids.

Deer hotel,
quick as you can.
I'm late for a wedding.

Ok.

Drop this luggage
at 600 east 57th
street, will you?

Fine.

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

[Crowd laughs]

Julie,
will you marry me?

Why?

Well, because
i love you.

Oh?

Yes. I love you.

And...

Well, tomorrow morning
you could pick me up
at the apartment--

I could what?

And we could go down
to the license bureau.

That is, I mean, I'll pick
you up, and we could go
to the license bureau

and be married and
then have a baby and...

And have another baby
in the country.

Oh, Julie.

♪ You see a pair
of laughing eyes ♪

♪ and suddenly
you're sighing sighs ♪

♪ you're thinking
nothing's wrong ♪

♪ you string along, boy,
then snap! ♪

♪ Voom voom voom voom ♪

♪ you wonder
how it all came about ♪

♪ it's too late now,
there's no getting out ♪

♪ you fell in love ♪

♪ and love is the tender ♪

♪ trap ♪

Captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group
and U.S. department of education

captioning performed by
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institute, inc.

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