Original subtitles

[bell rings] [feedback squeals]

- Let's give a shout-out to our sixth graders

who embark tomorrow on a P.S. 38 tradition:

The Survival Skills Camping Trip.

- Oh, I'm so not into this.

Ever since I portrayed camping victim number three

in that commercial last year, I've been scared of it.

- Well, in real life, camping is dope.

- You get to eat s'mores and wipe with leaves.

- Ugh. I'd rather go without wiping at all.

- Been there, not good.

- Now, although safety is our number one priority,

we have had some minor mishaps over the years.

- * I am one with nature *

* And na-- * [yells]

- [whistling]

[screams]

[chainsaw revs]

[all screaming]

- See, we're all gonna die!

- Oh, come on.

What are you worried about, Dee?

You're an actress.

You love constant rejection,

unhealthy beauty standards, and most importantly,

putting yourself in wacky and improbable situations.

- On all accounts, you're right,

except just as a character. This is real life.

- So why not act like someone who's not afraid of camping?

- Don't forget to bring your signed liability waivers

and remember our motto:

"It's not the school's fault."

[knock at door] Oh.

- Great Scott.

My jazzercise classes seem to be having quite the effect.

- It's not you, Fontaine.

My office is infested with termites

and the school can't afford an exterminator.

[groans]

[toilet flushes]

Oh, don't forget to wash your hands, Chad.

- Interestingly enough, funding for the school

is what I came to discuss.

- Go on.

- Late last night whilst surfing ham radio frequencies,

I learned of a method for monetizing the survival trip.

We'll need to be discrete.

- Tell me. Oh, please tell me.

- The elegant egg of this extra-large eagle

is of extreme value.

All we must do is look for the tallest pine tree and--

[both yell]

Ow, my sciatica!

[upbeat music]

- * Don't want to go to school today *

* The sun is red hot and I wanna play *

* But if I get caught they'll make me pay *

* Detention again *

- * Big Nate, Big Nate *

- * Math and social studies just ain't my thing *

- * Big Nate, Big Nate *

- * Rocking with my band is where I'm king *

* Stealing the teacher's teeth or bailing on a test *

- * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *

* Big Nate *

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- Ugh. Need your John Hancock.

- Hmm? The Survival Skills Trip!

That experience made me the confident,

assertive person I am today. [farts]

Yes, that was me. Anyway, Ellen, tell him.

- Oh, same here.

Yeah, it was a big, big deal. Total game changer.

- You guys, come on. It's just a camping trip.

- To the inexperienced tenderfoot, yes.

But for us greats--

you see, when I went on the trip,

I won the Wilderness Warrior Award.

It was the second proudest day of my life.

Eclipsed only by the day that Ellen won the award herself.

- Wait, there's an award? What do you get?

- Oh, let's see. Is it here? No. Hmm.

[gasps] Behold middle school greatness.

- Great. A piece of paper.

- Oh, it's so much more than paper.

It's proof you're the strongest, fiercest,

and most awesome kid in the grade.

[dramatic fanfare]

* *

- Oh, yeah. I'm awesome. Gonna prove that I'm awesome.

- Or, you'll blow it and forever

be known as the family loser.

Oh, wait, I'm sorry, you already are.

- I'll have-- - This is the tent that I used,

your sister used, and now you'll use.

She's our lucky charm, but a tent.

- Ugh, smells like a dead skunk.

- Oh, nonsense.

[person screams]

- Whoa, Principal Nichols.

Where did you learn to drive a bus?

- Ah, the classroom of life, my boy.

Why pay for a so-called "safe and professional driver"

when I can do the job myself? You got the map?

We're gonna find that eagle egg and make a fortune

for the school. Huh? What is that?

- Brace for impact. [loud thunk]

Dee Dee? What the who's it now?

- Dee Dee? I'm afraid you're mistaken, good sir.

I'm famous and fearless explorer Amelia Earhart.

- Amelia Earhart didn't make it home alive.

I suggest you place your fanny in a seat, young lady.

- [grunts, laughs]

- Keep this list of approved wilderness activities handy.

I'll be watching you at all times.

And remember, I have eyes in the back of my head.

- All the better to watch me win.

- What are you talking about, bruh?

- Yeah, it's a trip. Not a contest.

- Major advantage alert.

I'm the only one who knows about the award.

That means I got this competition in the bag.

[horn honks]

[upbeat music]

[dog barking]

- Smell it, kids? You smell that? That's nature.

You will be divided into two groups.

Ladies, follow me.

- Wait, what? Why do we have to have

different groups for boys and girls?

I mean, why can't we just camp with our friends?

- Aren't we all friends here, Ms. Holloway?

[girls giggling] - Um...

sorry, I meant, yay, girl power.

[lively guitar music]

* *

- Hello, Nate. You're needing a foot?

- It's hand, actually. And no, all good.

- Hey, ho, lucky us.

It is instruction for to build this tent.

- Pfft, I come from a long line of Wilderness Warriors.

We Wrights, nah, we don't need inst--

[grunts]

- The tent of Nate is fly away.

- Huh?

This is the perfect excuse

to ditch the kids and find that egg.

- But aren't we responsible for these students?

Just kidding. Let's get outta here.

- Don't worry, son. We're on it.

- Wait. No, no, no, no. I don't need help.

I'll go find it myself.

- Sorry, buddy, for legal reasons,

we can't allow you kids to leave camp without an adult.

See ya.

- Hmm. Minor setback.

That award is still mine for the taking.

I mean, come on, look at my competition.

- [yelling]

- Well, how are you today, little buddy?

Oh!

[laughing] Oh, that tickles!

- Wilderness Warrior domination, imminent.

- All right, very good.

These tents look good.

Ms. Holloway, can we pick up the pace, please?

- Yes, we can!

Get it? I'm Rosie the Riveter.

You know, Rosie the Riveter, the iconic woman behind--

- Mother nature doesn't give points for whimsy.

- We finished our tents, Mrs. Godfrey.

May we please go exploring?

- By all means, my little eager beaverlette.

- Wait up, you guys!

- [growling]

- Hmm.

[dramatic music]

both: The tallest pine tree.

- Oh yeah. Come to Papa.

[both laugh]

- [gasps]

[eagle caws] both: Ahh!

- Okay, let's see. Find a safe water source.

- Oh, wow, a river!

- Let the record show I found the safe water source first.

- Dude, who cares? It's not homework.

When will you learn that

things only matter when you're being graded?

- Well, I'm gonna celebrate by having a nice, cool drink.

[muffled scream]

- You guys wanna slow down? You know, take in the scenery?

- You wanna ditch the giant bag so you can keep up?

- Sophia Danenberg always

wore a large camping pack on her treks.

- Yes, she did. Whoo, I love her.

Who is she?

- Danenberg was the first Black woman

to summit Mount Everest.

- Right on.

Mad respect, Sophia. Mad respect.

- Yeah. She's a-- [yelling]

- We have to each find a unique rock.

I think all rocks are unique if you feed 'em right.

- Whoa, I think I found myself a winner.

This is the best-looking rock out here.

- Dude! - [yelling]

They're stinging my eyes! Oh, the humanity!

[yells]

[owl hooting]

[soft guitar music]

- Is that raw hamburger meat?

- Yeah, of course.

A real Wilderness Warrior

doesn't need to cook their meat.

- Well, I'm gonna go ahead and make myself some s'mores.

It's the first step on the magical journey called puberty.

- I always thought the first step of puberty was BO.

- Great, my mom forgot my salt lick.

- I've got extra hummus and crudité. Want some?

- Hmm.

Take that, you hipster food!

Ah! Mrs. Godfrey. Wait, how did you get here?

- I've always been here.

Well, I trust you all remembered your dinners.

That wasn't a question, you little miscreants.

- What did you bring, Mrs. Godfrey?

- [chuckles]

Years of experience killing things more defenseless than I.

Nature provides for seasoned campers like myself.

- Ya-ha-hoo! - Huh, nature provides?

[curious music]

Huh. Hmm. [laughs]

- Where are your chaperones?

- The tent of Nate flew to the sky,

and they are to be looking for it.

- What? Nate Wright caused problems?

Shocking.

Get cooking and don't leave camp.

There are things in the woods,

and by things, I mean me, Godfrey.

Ooh, I've got something. I've got something. Come on.

- Psst. Hey, come with me, Chad.

I have an even better dinner plan in store for us.

- [as Julia Child] The key to this succulent salad

is the tomato we will use for garnish

And voilà!

I'm Julia Child. Thank you for watching.

Dinner is served.

- We're done eating, so...

- You ate without me?

- You were too busy doing your Julie the Child thing.

- Oh, well.

I'm more excited about our next activity anyway, camp songs.

- You know, I've had worse meals.

It tastes like chicken and belt.

Want some? [eagle caws]

- We weren't supposed to leave camp.

This feels like we're leaving camp.

I wish I had my tracking collar.

- Would you pull it together, Chad?

Everything's gonna be fine. Know why?

Because I've got meat in my pants.

- Oh, is that the style these days?

Keeping up with fashion is so hard.

- [stammers] Focus, Chad.

You and I are gonna use my meat pants to bag us a beast.

- And then s'mores?

all: * There was an old man who gobbled a clam *

* Why, oh, why did he gobble that clam *

* That clam had a fam-- * - [yells]

I'm just a poor innocent clam.

Why?

Sorry, just wanted to experience the song

from the clam's perspective.

- Could you not?

- Seriously, the Dee Dee Show is getting old.

- Why? What's wrong with Dee Dee?

all: Nothing. - That's the point.

We wanna hang out with you, not all these rando characters.

- Yeah. Can you just like be chill?

- I'm chill. I can totally be chill.

[indistinct chatter]

[somber music]

[suspenseful music]

- Wait, won't this make the big beast come to me?

- Exactly.

And when he tries to attack you,

I'll go at him from behind. [chuckles]

He'll never see me coming. Genius.

- Oh, yeah, I'm not sure about this plan.

- Come on, Chad. Have any of my wild

and impulsive schemes ever put you in danger before?

- [yelling]

[heavy metal music]

- Nope. In fact, I have the scars to prove it.

[cat meows]

- [laughs] Oh, yeah. I forgot about that one.

But great! So no matter what happens,

just remember it's all part of the plan.

Trust the plan. Got it?

- Got it.

[suspenseful music]

- [stammers]

Chad, don't turn around.

- Okay.

[bear growling]

- It's possible my plan may need work.

[chuckles] [bear roars]

[screaming]

- Ah, narcolepsy is always so rough.

Oh, should I do something?

I feel like I should do something.

No, Chad, no. Nate said trust the plan.

[peaceful music]

[bird chirping]

[loud metallic clanging]

[angry chirping]

- Rise and shine, gentleman! The day awaits.

- [groans]

- Where is Nate Wright?

- We didn't leave camp.

He's not trying to take out a bear.

Maybe he's pooping?

- Galvin! Nichols!

Get those hernia trusses on pronto, it's morning.

- [laughs]

Is funny because you think they are there,

but actually, they are go to finding Nate's tent.

- Unbelievable.

You walking blackheads stay put.

- Okay, seriously, dude, where's Nate?

[mysterious music]

- Tell no one. Trust the plan.

- Did anyone else just hear that music right there?

[bear roaring]

- [sobbing]

So this is it. This is the end.

I promise if I make it outta here alive,

I'll never get detention again.

I'll even be nice to Mrs. Godfrey.

And then I'll-- hey, you know what?

Just get me out of this mess, and then we'll discuss terms.

[bear roars]

- Nichols! Galvin! Nate!

Have you fallen into a sinkhole?

Reveal your coordinates pronto.

- Clara, up here!

- Well, well. Attempted eagle egg theft, huh?

[both chuckling]

Put the egg back, Wesley.

[eagle caws, screeches] [both yelp]

- I just wanna go home!

[solemn music]

- Ugh.

When all your magnificent personas

have been cast aside, what's left?

If you can't be somebody else,

then who are you, Dee Dee Holloway?

[music swells] [inhales deeply]

* I-- * - Help!

- Do I hear?

Was that the sweet sound of drama?

Reveal yourself, oh, panicked prisoner!

- [squawking]

- [squawking angrily]

- [screeches]

[tense music]

- Oh, that was truly remarkable, Clara.

Where did you learn how to speak eagle?

- Volunteer park ranger training.

Resist and protect.

- I didn't know you were a ranger.

Guess it's our lucky day.

- [laughing] Yes, yes, yes.

Also no!

Attempting to steal an endangered eagle egg

is a federal offense with a $100,000 minimum fine.

- Oh no, not another bill.

- But Clara, we don't have that kind of money.

The only reason we tried to steal the egg

in the first place

was to raise meager funds for the school.

- I'm sorry, but I must uphold

the park ranger's oath of conduct.

- Surely there's something we could do.

Some deal we could strike to make this disappear.

- [sobbing]

Oh, please! We'll do anything.

- Anything? Okay.

But it's gonna cost you.

[laughing]

- [screaming]

- Yoo-hoo! Whose yonder weeping do I hear?

Ye, distressed one, reveal yourself!

- Dee Dee! Is that you? Save me.

- Ack, Nate, are you in the cave?

'Cause there's a giant bear outside.

- Ah, yeah. Thanks. I noticed. Do something.

[bear growling]

- Why didn't I research notable female bear wranglers?

What do I do? Who can I be?

[suspenseful music]

[gasps]

[yelling]

[screaming]

[hopeful music]

Whoa. [laughs]

Wait, did I just freak out a bear?

Okay. Okay.

What's wrong, furball?

Am I not chill enough for you?

Well, well, if you want chill, you've got the wrong kid!

Pas de bourrée! Kick ball change.

Exit stage left!

[gasps]

[laughs] I did it.

I took a bear out by myself, and I did it as myself!

Dee Dee!

The girl who was afraid of camping!

- Thank you. That was truly awesome.

Please don't tell anyone about this.

- Are you kidding me?

This is gonna be chapter one of my memoir.

- [groans]

- Ah, okay. You were right. Camping's dope.

Wanna do a friend camping trip sometime?

Maybe our parents can take us.

- Claro-que-see-you-there. - Can I come?

- I wanna come.

- Sure. We're all friends here.

- [groans] [feedback squeals]

- For demonstrating the barest minimum level of confidence,

your Wilderness Warrior Award.

- I won? I won! Booyah!

The Wrights continue to dominate.

Just call me the most awesome kid in the class.

- Oh, for goodness sake, Nate.

Please just take one and pass the rest back.

- Uh.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Everyone gets one just for participating?

Seriously?

- Oh, look at this. It says I participated!

[feedback squeals] - [clears throat]

Our real Wilderness Warrior is Clara Godfrey,

and that's why I'm honored to grant her tenure.

Now she can never be fired from P.S. 38.

Let's give her a round of applause, shall we, kids?

[laughs] Clara, okay.

- That's great news. - Great.

- This is really great for our future.

- And to think this all started when Nate Wright failed

to stake down his tent.

Thank you, Nate.

- [growls]

- Oh, look who survived. #bummed.

- You guys totally punked me.

Everybody gets a Wilderness Warrior Award.

You don't have to do anything for it.

- I know.

- [growling]

Dad! Da-- - Stifle it, doofus.

Obviously, it's a bogus award, but dad doesn't know that.

Maybe he remembers it wrong or I don't know,

maybe he's, like, senile, but he's convinced

that he was some sort of big winner back then, okay?

So just shut your mouth and let him keep believing

that we are the uber campers that he thinks he is.

- Hey, champ, how'd the trip go?

- Did you bring home anything for the trophy cubby?

And if you say no, that's okay.

I'll just hide my disappointment

behind a wall of junk food and knock-knock jokes.

- Yeah. Well, it turns out that--

[hopeful music]

It turns out that I'm a Wilderness Warrior

just like you guys. Whoop-a-cha!

- [laughing, stammering]

I wanted this. I wanted this bad for you!

Oh, my baby boy.

Let me unbutton my pants

and sit down to hear all about it.

[groans] This is amazing.

- Yeah, yeah, everybody freaked out except me.

So I had to protect my less awesome classmates--

and weapons of tree bark and trail mix.

And then...

- [caws]

- * I've got a tent and no money for rent *

* But I know where to go *

* Camping, camping *

* I'll eat with my hands, shovel beans from some cans *

* Wipe my bottom with leaves *

* Camping, camping *

* I run out of meat or no fire for heat *

* Gonna eat my best friend *

* Camping, camping *

* Saw a lizard today drinking café au lait *

* Am I losing my mind? *

* Camping, camping *

* Camping, no camping, yes camping, why camping *

* Maybe some glamping but isn't that camping? *