All language subtitles for Cursed.Friends.2022.1080p.NOW.WEBRip.1400MB.DD2.0.x264-GalaxyRG_track3_[eng]

- Anastasia.

Anastasia,
if you can hear me,

Anastasia,
if you can hear me,

send us a sign.

We have a visitor.

- My hair!

- Okay, demon, it's time for--

- Ah!

- Ah!

- Shammy...

Felicem vesperam sanctam!

# I-I-I-I #

# I want you back #

# I want you back #

- Oh.
- Oh, watch out!

- Move.

- Don't get your outfit dirty,
Joshy.

- Don't get your outfit dirty,
Joshy.

We need it to look good for the fall lip sync.

You guys, look.

Jeremy Fischbein is so freaking hot.

He totally wants to shag you,
Erica.

He totally wants to shag you,
Erica.

- Yeah, baby, yeah.
It's N'SYNC.

Hey, Erica.

Your costume is smoshing.

Your costume is smoshing.

- Thanks, Fischbein.

You too.

And cool impression.

Anyway, later.
- Yeah, okay, see ya.

- That was the sexiest thing I've ever seen!

- Oh, wait,
let's do a dance to celebrate.

- Ooh, yeah.
- Six, seven, eight.

- # Tell me what to do now #

- Go Andy, go Andy.

- Yeah.
- Go Andy.

- # You back #

- What's this house dressed as, a nightmare?

- What's this house dressed as, a nightmare?

- Big house, big candy.

- I don't know.
It's pretty old--

too much stone.
- And freaky.

- Who's gonna do it?

- I'll do it, you wimps.

Lame.

I say we peace out of this biatch--

- What's up?

- What's up?

- Chillax, homies.
Welcome to my "crib."

Sorry to say I'm fresh out of sweets.

- Th-that's okay.

We should probably get back to my house anyway.

We should probably get back to my house anyway.

- Yeah.
- No, no, no!

I can't let you leave

empty-handed--

not a group like this--

so sweet, so innocent,

so sweet, so innocent,

so close.

I know!

How 'bout a book?

How 'bout a book?

- A book?

Jesus, I wanted Warheads,
not homework.

- Happy Halloween.

Get out.

- Oh, hey, I'll trade.
- Yeah.

- What is this thing anyway?

- "M.A.S.H."
by Stacy Friendship?

- It's an activity book.

What does that weirdo think,
we're eight?

What does that weirdo think,
we're eight?

- Hey, I know "M.A.S.H."

It's that predict-your-future game.

Ooh, it has a poem.

- I wanna read it.

- I wanna read it.

- Mansion, apartment,

shack, or house,

predict your job,
predict your spouse.

They key is in what friendship takes--

- Can you predict when you're gonna die?

- Can you predict when you're gonna die?

Gel pen me.

- Hey, I'm doing my own.
- Oh, I wanna go first!

- Hey!
- No, stop.

- Okay, I'm gonna live in a shack with Jeremy Fischbein.

- Mm.
- And have 100 kids.

- Mm.
- And have 100 kids.

- I'm gonna live in a mansion.

I'm gonna marry Joey Fatone.

- Oh, you go, girl.
- Oh, Joey.

- Oh, you go, girl.
- Oh, Joey.

- I'm gonna live in a house.

- So I'm gonna live in an apartment.

- And I'm going to become a cult leader!

- I'm gonna be a pro wrestler.
- I will have a pet snake.

- I'm gonna be a pro wrestler.
- I will have a pet snake.

- The world record for the longest nails.

- And I will be a gravedigger.

- Yeah.
- I could see that.

- And finally,
I'm going to die by--

- And finally,
I'm going to die by--

Hey, stop.

You smudged my board.
- Sorry, it's lights out.

Aw.
- Nighty night, N'SYNC.

- It's okay-- I know exactly

what our real futures will be--

what our real futures will be--

BFFs forever.
Core Three for life.

all: Core Three for life!
Core Three for life!

- Core Three?
Learn how to count, morons.

- Core Three?
Learn how to count, morons.

Core Three for life!
Core Three for life!

Core Three for life!

Core Three for life!

Core Three for life!

- # What'chu doin? #

- # Nothing, chilling at the Holiday Inn #

- # Who you with? #
- # Me and my peeps #

# Thought you'd bring over your friends #

- # What we gon' do? #
- # Feel on each other #

- # What we gon' do? #
- # Feel on each other #

# And sip on some Hen #

# One thing leading to another #

# Let the party begin #
- # What'chu doin'? #

- # Nothing,
chillin' at the Holiday Inn #

- # Who you with? #
- # Me and my peeps #

- # Who you with? #
- # Me and my peeps #

# Thought you'd bring over your friends #

- Hmm.

Hi, welcome to Sub Conscious.

Do you want something?
I can make it.

Rrrrramon can make it.

Sorry I rolled the R. I know you don't like it.

Sorry I rolled the R.
I know you don't like it.

- Ugh.

Candace Nicaragua, I simp for that cake, you bitch!

- You don't even sweat!

- Um, yeah, 'cause it's gross.

- Um, yeah, 'cause it's gross.

Yeah,
sweating's for millennials.

- Millennials?
Ew!

They, like, remember

where they were during 9/11.

- Ew.
- That's so gross.

- Ew.
- That's so gross.

You got it, girl.
Low--

- Erica Greenspan!

- Hi, Phoebe.

- Hi, Phoebe.

- Look at you, and not on Zoom!

But still waiting for host

to start meeting.
- Welcome to the best coast.

I'm glad you're sitting down.

I'm glad you're sitting down.

I really am,
because are you ready for this?

- I don't know, am I?

Oh, my God, that's my logo.

- Yeah.
- You like it?

- Uh, adore.

- Uh, adore.

That's so great!

Um, this is probably very clear,

but I modeled the logo on the leaf

of the Brazilian herb you used...

of the Brazilian herb you used...

- Really?
- To give your tea

the sensation of cocaine without the cocaine.

- Well,
that is the Gravi-tea promise.

Cocaine!
- It's weird--

I couldn't find anything about it online,

I couldn't find
anything about it online,

so I reached out to a South American horticulturist and--

- Whoa, okay.
That's a lot.

- Oh, wow, I'm going, like--

- For a little green drawing?

- For a little green drawing?

- Yeah, I guess I'm a nerd.
- Oh, no.

You've got this,
like, rock star mentality

I feel like no one else here has.

- It's honestly exactly why

- It's honestly exactly why

I fired the entire design team on a mass email.

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, and I had to have you

come here IRL.

- In real life.

- Hey, uh, Phoebe.
Uh, just circling back

- Hey, uh, Phoebe.
Uh, just circling back

on my idea to swap out the ping-pong tables

with an axe-throwing station.

- Oh, my God, I love it.

- Yeah.
- And you know what else

is a great idea, is, like,
you paying the legal bills

is a great idea, is, like,
you paying the legal bills

for the unpaid intern who gets his dick chopped off.

Isn't that fun?
Do it.

Go, make it happen.

That's my cousin, Lenny.

That's my cousin, Lenny.

He ate my grandpa's cigarettes for years.

He's still actually on the design team.

Well, I hope that you--
and especially, I hope,

your little Brooklyn boyfriend--

your little Brooklyn boyfriend--

love the sunny weather here,
because I'm feelin' it.

- Oh, Ben's here all the time for work.

He loves it out here and my family's here

and all my best friends from growing up.

and all my best friends from growing up.

- Oh, my God, you're still tight with your old crew?

Ugh, the only way I stay in touch with my high school squad

is through, like,
stupid memes and shit.

- You know what?

We're having a Halloween party here tomorrow,

and I want you there.

The whole Gravi-Team is gonna be here--

might be the perfect opportunity to officially spill

might be the perfect opportunity to officially spill

a little tea to the rest of the floor.

Oh!

- Spooky season, baby!

- I swear to God,

if your mom didn't give us our seed money,

I'd fucking--I'd kill him.

I'd literally kill him.
I have a plan.

Wait, do you know

who Benicio Del Toro is?
- Um, yeah.

- I don't.

- Why would you bring that up if you--

- Why would you bring that up if you--

Core Three is in the building!

- Hello!
- Oh, my God!

- It's a unicorn!
- It is!

- It's a unicorn!
- It is!

- Oh, my gosh!
- Please, I was here,

like, two years ago for Izzy's third birthday party.

- Oh, my God, Izzy's now nine.
- Nine.

- Nine.
- What?

- Nine.
- What?

That's impossible.
- Oh, my gosh.

- Yes.
- That makes my baby five.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't carry a baby to full-term.

Um, my business,

Um, my business,

Andy Leonard Fitness--um,
you've probably heard of it.

- Cool!

- Uh, yeah, I'm kind of,
like, a brand to the stars.

- Of TikTok.

- Of TikTok.

- Well, I'm doing something very special, okay?

So don't, like, water it down.
- I'm not watering it.

- No, but don't water it down.
- I'm not watering it down.

- Just say you've heard of it--
- Yeah.

- Just say it's great.
- I don't care about it.

- Just say it's great.
- I don't care about it.

- Stop talking about it.
- Hey, I have a friggin' idea.

You guys wanna get drunk?

- Oh, lemme think about it.
- Let me think...

Um...
- Hmm...

both: Yeah.

- # I wanna be bad #

- # I wanna be bad #

# You make that feel so good #

# I'm losin' all my cool #

# I'm about to break the rules #

# I'm about to break the rules #

# I-I wanna be bad #

# I wanna be bad with you,
baby #

# I-I #

- Ah.
- Whoo!

- Wait, wait,
do you guys remember

Senior Lock-In when it was that magic show,

and then that one kid mooned everybody,

and then that one kid mooned everybody,

and he had a playing card between his ass cheeks?

- Oh, my gosh, no.
He was the King of Farts.

What's his name?
It was Letso.

- Wait, no, no, no.
I know this one.

I gave him a very dry hand job

I gave him a very dry hand job

at that abandoned summer camp.

both: Camp Wanabangme!

Oh, my God.
You guys, I freakin' miss this.

Oh, my God.
You guys, I freakin' miss this.

Okay,
and I don't wanna jinx it,

but I think after that interview,

you're gonna see a lot more of me.

- Yes, get it, queen.

- Yes, get it, queen.

- Yeah,
I knew you'd crush it.

Literally,
I got a prosperity crystal

from my psychic neighbor.

It cost me, like, 1,000 bucks,

and I gave it a good rubbin' for you.

and I gave it a good rubbin' for you.

Oh, guys,
don't look at me like that.

Shamrock is stupid legit, okay?

Just don't Google his name and the words "Tempe, Arizona."

Just don't Google his name and the words "Tempe, Arizona."

- Good choices.
- Oh, come on.

- Paul Dudley!
both: What?

- King of Farts was named Paul Dudley.

- Oh, yeah!

- Paul Dudley.

- Oh, my God!
My parents are in Palm Springs.

- Ooh.
- Don't you guys wanna spend

the night at my house?
It'd be so fun!

- Slumbay!

I have extra toothbrushes!

I have extra toothbrushes!

- Oh, don't tell me twice.
- Don't tell me once.

- Boy, oh, boy.
- It's mad chilly.

- Boy, oh, boy.
- It's mad chilly.

- # A vodka a day keeps the doctor away #

- Oh, boy.

- Welcome to my home!
- Oh, boy.

- Jinkies.

- Jinkies.

- I swear I locked this before I left.

- Okay, Erica, wait.

The manliest person go first,
okay?

- Okay, go.
- That's you.

- That's you.
You know it's you.

- That's you.
You know it's you.

Oh, no, a tiny knife.

Oh, that's the key.
- The key.

- Okay.

- Oh.

- What do we do?

- Vase--the vase.
- Okay.

- What do we do now?

- What do we do now?

- Uh--
- Shit.

- Okay.

- Oh!

- What the hell you guys doing here?

- What the hell you guys doing here?

You scared the shit out of me,
you fucking virgins.

Tnd these guys are spending the night.

What are you doing here besides Pornhubbing

where Grandma has Thanksgiving turkey?

- Kay, first of all, don't bring up Grandma when I'm hard.

- Kay, first of all, don't bring up Grandma when I'm hard.

And second of all,
Mom and Dad didn't tell you

I was living here?
- No.

- Classic them.

I'm sort of in between spots at the moment.

I'm sort of in between spots at the moment.

- Oh, that sucks.
How's everything else, bad too?

- No, things are pretty great.

Yeah, I'm just crushing the vibe, drowning in poonani.

- Ugh.

- Ugh.

And I got a real sick job in tech, so...

- Tech support.
You work for a cable company.

- It's the number one most-called I.T. department

in the country, baby!
- That's not a good thing.

in the country, baby!
- That's not a good thing.

- Ah.

- Oh, no,
we're scared of the dark.

Erica?

- Josh?

- Erica, go reset the breaker,
please.

- Erica, go reset the breaker,
please.

- No, thank you. You do it.
- Please do.

What do you think,
I'm just gonna wrap this up

'cause you're in here?
I'm busy.

- Oh, my God.

Okay, I'll do it.
You guys go upstairs.

Okay, I'll do it.
You guys go upstairs.

Don't drop anything else.
I'm sobering up.

- Careful.
- Yeah.

- I think someone broke something?

- Yeah.

- Shoot.

- It's just my mom's rack.

You guys!

You guys!

Look what I found!
- Oh, my God, M.A.S.H.

I remember we used to play that!

- Okay, oh, my God.

I'm going to be a plumber.

I'm going to be a plumber.

- I live in a shack.
I marry Jeremy Fischbein.

- Ew!

And I have 100 kids--no!

And I have 100 kids--no!

- Oh, my God!
- Way to go, Fischbein!

- Loose.

- Me, me.
Okay, um, I drove a Segway.

Okay.

Okay.

Uh, my job is,
uh, I'm a cult leader.

- I could see it.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I see that.

- And then I married a Mr. Knight.

Oh, yeah, I remember him.

Oh, yeah, I remember him.

He was that creepy geography teacher

who, like, walked all weird.
He really liked you, Andy.

Gimme, gimme, my turn.

Gimme, gimme, my turn.

Okay, I live in a mansion.
I'm a pro wrestler.

Ooh, the world record for the longest fingernails!

Ooh, the world record for the longest fingernails!

Okay, oh, my word.

I am married to Joey Fatone.

Ow!
Ooh, I could work with that.

Ow!
Ooh, I could work with that.

- All right, let me see.
Let me see.

- Okay, yeah, sure.
- Okay.

Job--gravedigger.
Pet--snake.

Job--gravedigger.
Pet--snake.

- Okay.
- Death by...

- By what?

- Shit, there's a smudge.

- What do you mean a smudge?
- How the shit am I gonna die?

- What do you mean a smudge?
- How the shit am I gonna die?

- You die by smudge.

Give me that thing.

Ooh, there's a poem.

Mansion, apartment,
shack, or house,

Mansion, apartment,
shack, or house,

predict your job,
predict your spouse.

The key is in what friendship takes.

Read this poem,
unlock your fates.

Read this poem,
unlock your fates.

- Yeah.
- Ooh...

- Stupid!

Shut up.

Shut up.

Happy Hungover Halloween.

Happy Hungover Halloween.

Hey, what are you guys getting into later?

Do you wanna come back here,

hand out candy with Princess Peach?

- No.

Candace Nicaragua is going to this Halloween party,

Candace Nicaragua is going to this Halloween party,

and she invited me,

and a lot of her influencer friends are gonna be there,

so she said if I show up,

I could easily get,
like, 10,000 followers.

I could easily get,
like, 10,000 followers.

- I can't even trick-or-treat with Izzy.

I have to send her out with Arden and Arden's mom

and the rest of the big little-eyes fuckers at school.

- Get out of here!

- Get out of here!

- My Metaverse nightclub is having a troll orgy--

third annual trollgy--

but I could probably bot it out or something.

- Why didn't you sleep in your own room?

- Why didn't you sleep in your own room?

- It's okay.

When I'm back here,
hopefully for good,

we'll be hanging out every damn day.

- That's a lot of days.
- Just like old times.

- Mm, you silly girl.

- Mm, you silly girl.

You're silly.
So silly, girls.

So silly.

- # That's not my name #

- # That's not my name #

# They call me quiet,
but I'm a riot #

# Mary-Jo-Lisa,
always the same #

# That's not my name #

# That's not my name #

- Hi, babe.
Why did you swap our costumes?

- Hi, babe.
Why did you swap our costumes?

I thought that was you,

not that I hate it.
My nuts are breathing.

- Oh, my God,
this is the first time

in my life I've ever fucked up packing.

in my life I've ever fucked up packing.

- Uh-oh.
Something must be wrong.

- Wait a second.

What is that behind you?

Is that luggage?

- Babe,
you ruined the surprise.

- Babe,
you ruined the surprise.

If you land this job,
I cannot miss the celebration.

- Aw, babe!

- Ta-ta-ta-ta--
don't tell Yoshi.

I don't wanna make this a whole thing.

I don't wanna make this a whole thing.

- Okay, love you.

- # That's not my name #

# That's not my name #

# They call me hell #

# They call me hell #

# They call me Stacey #

# They call me her #

- Wow.

Wow.

- What's good, fit fam?
It's me, Ari.

Just kidding.
It's Andy.

Andy Leonard from #AndyLeonardMethod.

So okay, I see some of you are already dipping out.

So okay, I see some of you are already dipping out.

That's cool.
"Thank u, next."

But anyways,
it's a hot-ass Halloween,

so I figured we'd cool down

by answering some of your questions.

by answering some of your questions.

So just take a sec--

No!

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'm still leasing this,
you stupid fuck!

I'm still leasing this,
you stupid fuck!

No.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

Sorry because I feel bad,
not because I did anything.

Sorry because I feel bad,
not because I did anything.

Just wanna make sure.

- # Oh, yeah #

- Graham,
I have reset your password.

- Graham,
I have reset your password.

Now save it to your keychain

and gargle my balls.

and gargle my balls.

Go ahead and delete that.

- # You know who we are #

- All right, I'm back,
ya fuckin' racists.

- All right, I'm back,
ya fuckin' racists.

Let's head on down to Clown Town.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Ms. Monroe.

We meet again.

- Sorry, um--

did I--is this I.T.?

- Uh, yeah. Yeah. Uh, yeah, no.

- Uh, yeah. Yeah. Uh, yeah, no.

It's, uh--
it's Josh Greenspan.

I'm the one
that set up your work account

a year ago.

Remember?

Remember?

- I don't. Anyway,
my thing isn't letting me in.

Something about a firew--

- What?

Hello? Hello? Haley?

Haley? Ah, you're breaking up!

Haley? Ah, you're breaking up!

Haley! All right, hold on.

I got really bad service in my bedr--

my, uh, my corner office.

- I'll just call someone else.
- No, no, no, no! No, no, no!

I'll save you! I'll save--

I'll save you! I'll save--

- Are you okay?
I heard a noise.

- Are you okay?
I heard a noise.

- No, yeah, no, it's...

it's all Gucci here.

So have you tried to...

So have you tried to...

unplug your device and plug it back in?

- Whew. Windy.

Ramon, you have to charge for extra zesty sauce.

'Cause--

- It's windy.

- # Mr. Loverman, Shabba #

- # Mr. Loverman, Shabba #

- I got this one, Ramon.

- Hi.

I'm Joey.
- Hi, I'm Malala.

Mikayla. Mikayla.

- Well, Mikayla,
nice to meet you.

- Well, Mikayla,
nice to meet you.

Cool sexy werewolf costume.

- Oh.
It's just--just a werewolf.

- Agree to disagree.

- How's your spicy Italian?

- Meaty. Thick.

- Wet?

- It could be.
- You know what?

- It could be.
- You know what?

I'd like a 12-incher

packed with salami.

- Pack it?
- Yeah, pack it.

- Yeah.
- How tight do you want it?

- Oh, very tight.

- Oh, very tight.

I like a lot of mayo.

- Just tell me when to stop.

- # Shabba #

- Keep going.

# Shabba, Shabba, Shabba #

- Daddy like.

Actually,
tonight at La Casa Fatone,

it's gonna be a graveyard smash if you're interested.

it's gonna be a graveyard smash if you're interested.

- # Shabba, Shabba #

- I take that as a "yes"?

- Oh, it's a big old yes.

- Oh, it's a big old yes.

- Now give it to me.
- Oh, yeah.

I'll give it to you.

- # Every hour, every minute #

# Every hour, every minute,
and every second #

# Every hour, every minute,
and every second #

# Dem call me Mr. Loverman,
dem call me Mr. Lover #

- # It's Halloween #

- Wanna hear bone-chilling?

One time I saw a rat eat a pigeon.

I'm gonna be very excited to move back here.

- Howdy, howdy, everyone.

- Howdy, howdy, everyone.

So I have a pretty big announcement,

one that has been a long time coming:

one that has been a long time coming:

the all-in-one Theranos blood test.

But in all seriousness,
you guys,

as many as you know,
we have been in search

as many as you know,
we have been in search

of a new SVP of Design for some time now,

and I'm happy to say,
the search is over.

And although we're still technically waiting

And although we're still technically waiting

on FDA approval...

Before we completely fucking disrupt Big Caffeine...

- Whoo.
- The wait is over.

I have the first cans right here,

I have the first cans right here,

complete with art from our little genius.

So without further ado,

stop hiding behind that mustache

stop hiding behind that mustache

and you come on down here,
Lenny Webber!

both: What?

- Oh, cuz,
I am beyond flattered.

But unfortunately,
I can't accept,

But unfortunately,
I can't accept,

- What?

- Not!

I accept, I accept.

High five!

- I love that.

He's good. You're funny.

He's good. You're funny.

Oh, Erica.

Hey, here. Take a can.

It's gonna be so perfect

for all those late nights freelancing.

It's literally cocaine.

It's literally cocaine.

I'm kidding.

Am I? I don't know.
Let's party.

- I'm a boss! Let's party!

- You are not gonna believe this shit.

- I made a sub for Joey Fatone.

- I made a sub for Joey Fatone.

- What?
- Joey Fatone.

Aka Joey Fat One,

aka Superman,

aka Superman,

aka the third, arguably second,
most famous member of N'SYNC.

- Ah!
- Erica?

He invited me to a party at his house.

I am so turned on at work.

I am so turned on at work.

I might have to masty in the utility closet.

- That is 100% a fireable offense.

- Not if you're the Bread Boss.

- Not if you're the Bread Boss.

Now what shit were you about to tell me?

- I could've been a rockstar Gravi-teabagger,

but guess what?

The system is fucking rigged.

The system is fucking rigged.

And it's always going to favor nepotism babies

like Cousin Lenny,

who probably doesn't even know how

to put together a well-paced PowerPoint.

- Aw, I'm so sorry, dude.

- Aw, I'm so sorry, dude.

That sucks.

Huh.
- What?

- It's probably nothing,

but this shit that happened today is kinda weird, isn't it?

but this shit that happened today is kinda weird, isn't it?

I mean, we found that M.A.S.H. game last night.

Today, Andy's car got all jacked up.

You missed out on a job that was just, like, on lock.

You missed out on a job that was just, like, on lock.

- My fucking parents' toilet's broken!

- Wait.

Are you plunging?

- No.

- No.

Yes.

- Because that would be very plumber of you.

- I am not gonna be a fucking plumber!

I graduated with an MFA
from RISD.

I graduated with an MFA from RISD.

- Whoa, how big of a doo-doo did you take, Pooper Mario?

- No, it was one wipe,
you dipshit.

- Yeah,
for a ten-pound doo-doo?

- Yeah,
for a ten-pound doo-doo?

You gotta take a look at the tank

or else we're gonna have to snake the drain.

Classic Erica.
- Fuck.

- Oh!

- Don't move.

- Don't move.

- Oh! Oh, God!

- Oh, God!

- Drop! Drop and roll!

Drop, drop, and roll!

- That isn't a snake, is it?

- Play dead! Play dead!
- Aah!

- I don't wanna help you!
- Fuck you!

- I don't wanna help you!
- Fuck you!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Don't worry, babe.
Don't worry.

Izzy and I, we watch animal shows all the time.

Izzy and I, we watch animal shows all the time.

In the event that the snake is poisonous,

you just have to suck the venom out.

- What?
- I don't wanna say this,

but Joshy?
- Yeah?

- You better start sucking your sister.

- Oh, fuck. Just fucking do it.

- Oh, fuck. Just fucking do it.

- Uh, okay.

- What are you doing?

Have you never given a fucking hickey before?

Have you never given a fucking hickey before?

- I've given several hickeys,
and they've all posted

on Facebook how much they liked it, so--

- Doesn't fucking seem like it.

Oh, my--
- Just relax.

Oh, my--
- Just relax.

- Don't relax--

- Congratulations, Ramon.

Dreams do come true.

You have made it to regional manager.

I am marrying Joey Fatone.

I am marrying Joey Fatone.

We have to end this game.

We have to end this game.

- Why don't we get you going,
girl?

We gonna get that body-ody-ody ready

for the potty-watty-watty.

And if your boyfriend's gonna come,

And if your boyfriend's gonna come,

I want him to go full goblin on that ass.

- Okay, I'm talking uhuhuhuh.

- Andy!
- Um, so anyways,

- Andy!
- Um, so anyways,

these influencer friends of yours--

get that ass.

- Andy.

- Um, you're friends with the werewolf?

- Yes, ma'am.
Sherman Oaks High. Class of--

- Yes, ma'am.
Sherman Oaks High. Class of--

- 2018! It's when I graduated!

2018. Whoo!

That's when she came to my graduation.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah. She's so old.

Hi, Miss Mikayla.

Oh, ow!

My wisdom tooth's coming in 'cause I'm so young.

Girl, why don't you keep doing

that, okay?
- Okay.

that, okay?
- Okay.

- Uh, I'll be right back.
- Okay.

- Hey, what are you doing here?

- Andy, some shit is going down at Erica's.

It's like 9/11 bad.

It's like 9/11 bad.

- 9/11!
I don't even know what that is.

- Yes, you do.
- Ew.

- No one knows what--

- Get the fuck in the car!
Come on!

- I'll walk you to your car.
- Bye-bye.

Well, Andy just left me again.

Well, Andy just left me again.

He's helping some old lady.

- Let's go, Miss Mikayla.

- Let's go. Don't touch me.
- Aww.

Oh, someone's .

Oh, someone's .

both: Whoa!

- Jesus.

- Okay, he's all yours.
- Well, we can share it.

- Nope, no, thank you.

- Guys, there's a fucking snake
here.

- Guys, there's a fucking snake here.

Yep, real fucking snake.

- Erica,
please clarify something.

This stupid bitch did not make Joey Fatone

a chicken teriyaki submarine sandwich.

- Actually,
I made him a spicy Italian

- Actually,
I made him a spicy Italian

with extra meat and extra cum.

Erica,
did you find Fischbein yet?

- Why would she need to find Fischbein?

Ohh, right.

Ohh, right.

Because Fischbein's your future husband.

Right.
- I can't find him anywhere.

He's not on Instagram.
He's not on Twitter.

He's not on LinkedIn.
What the fuck is that?

- Ugh, he's giving me real serial killer vibes.

- Ugh, he's giving me real serial killer vibes.

- Holy shit!

- Aah! Oh, my God.

Am I gonna be a world-record holder?

- Oh, please.
They're clearly press-ons.

- Ow, Andy! I grew them myself!

- Ow, Andy! I grew them myself!

That fucking hurt!
- What?

- What the hell is this smudge?

- What?

- My death. Smudged.

- My death. Smudged.

Eighth-grade Josh,
he was a wild man.

I mean, this could be anything.

Right?
It could be a serial killer.

It could be an anvil falling on my head.

It could be Topanga Lawrence spitting in my mouth

It could be Topanga Lawrence spitting in my mouth

till I asphyxiate,
which is actually kinda tight.

- Ugh.
- I'm fucked!

Well, I don't have time for this today, okay?

Well, I don't have time for this today, okay?

I do not have time for this today.

- Today? Okay.

What about the rest of our fucking lives?

I didn't spend my youth snorting bricks

of ADD meds and taking up ¤200,000

of ADD meds and taking up ¤200,000

in student loans just to become a plumber

with Jeremy Fischbein in a shack with 100 kids!

Right now,
my shit's tight, okay?

Right now,
my shit's tight, okay?

It's like a sweet little peach,

and I don't want it all splayed out,

flapping willy-nilly.

- That peach is a cobbler,
girl.

- At least you're gonna live long enough to have sex.

- At least you're gonna live long enough to have sex.

- What?
- Kids! To have kids.

So you can have sex to have kids.

- You said--

I still had so much poon to smash.

- Ew, ew, ew.
- Talking about your poon.

- Ew, ew, ew.
- Talking about your poon.

- Ugh, gross. Okay.
You know what, you guys?

I'm gonna fix this because I am A+ Erica fucking Greenspan,

and I fix everything, okay?

Except toilets.
- Yet.

Except toilets.
- Yet.

- Will someone just burn the fucking M.A.S.H. book already?

It's like horror film 101,
right?

Just burn it!
- Burn it.

- Is that true? I don't really watch horror films.

I mostly watch documentaries.

I mostly watch documentaries.

- Oh, shut the fuck up, Erica.
- Okay, all right.

Well, how's everyone feelin'?

Well, how's everyone feelin'?

- Oh, my gosh, like,
so cleansed.

Like mm.

But my car's at the shop,
and I literally have to run

to my next client,
so don't stop, won't stop.

to my next client,
so don't stop, won't stop.

But you know what?

We should definitely talk about doing this

all over again because honestly,

if I'm being honest with you guys,

I really miss--

- Wait, no!

- Wait, no!

How are we gonna know if it worked?

- Ooh!

What about Jason Momoa?

- What?
- Oh, my God.

He named the snake Jason Momoa.

He named the snake Jason Momoa.

- Fuck yeah I did 'cause he's got the hottest pythons

in the game.
- Okay.

- Yeah, that--
- Okay, so here's what

we're gonna do.

We're gonna take off Jason's top.

If he's not in the box, boom.

If he's not in the box, boom.

Curse closed.
- All right.

- Three.

all: Two.

both: One.

- Oh, thank God.

Suck my dick, Jason Momoa.

- Oh, my God, Andy was right.

- Oh, my God, Andy was right.

- Yeah.

Wait, did he say he was running?

Like, actually running?

- Mm, that can't be.

Hold on there,
Usain Bolt.

Mr. Leonard.
- Mr. Knight.

Mr. Leonard.
- Mr. Knight.

That's so funny.

We were just tal--

oh, no.

Oh, fuck no.

- What? Andy?
- Aah! Aah!

- What? Andy?
- Aah! Aah!

- Oh, Andy.

Oh.

Andy!

What the H-E-double vibrators is going on?

What the H-E-double vibrators is going on?

Aah!

Move!
- Oh!

- Oh, thank God.

- What's the capital of Finland?

Helsinki.

- Yes, it is.

Andy, come on! Relax.

Andy, come on! Relax.

It's just your old geography teacher for crying out loud.

I'm not here to kill you.

- Or am I?

- Or am I?

What what? Cha-cha-cha-cha.

- Why would I do that?

I mean, maybe.
No, just kidding.

Am I? No.

- What?
- Come on!

You used to love those corny jokes of mine.

You used to love those corny jokes of mine.

No? Oh.

Well, listen, hey,
you dropped an earbud...

- Oh.
- Back there. There you go.

Wanna make sure you got that back.

Wanna make sure you got that back.

- Silly of me.

- Oh,
and also found this out there.

You left that behind.

You gotta take better care of your stuff, man.

You know what, this is actually a teachable moment.

I love teachable moments.

But you'd know that, right?

Teaching, talking.

Teaching, talking.

Following.

- I got a whole new lease on life now.

- Yeah?
- I'm looking for love.

- Aah! I'm too hot to marry Mr. Knight.

- Aah! I'm too hot to marry Mr. Knight.

And I'm too hot to show up on a Segway

to the club like Paul fucking Blart!

- Aah!

- Aah!

- Wait a minute.

But J Momo wasn't in the shoebo--

- Okay.

"Stacy Friendship."

"Stacy Friendship."

Okay, "Stacy Friendship Japanese sing-along.

Advice About Friendship," no.

Wait.

Wait.

"Stacy Friendship Defense."

It's from the "L.A. Times"
from 1999.

"Elizabeth Lennox, 22,
of Ventura, was convicted

"of first-degree murder

"of first-degree murder

"in the slaying of Howard Miller, 23.

"Miller arrived at her home

"for what he believed was a date

"after the two met in an AOL chat room.

"after the two met in an AOL chat room.

"The victim was unaware that Lennox,

"now a self-employed beekeeper,

"was his childhood classmate,

"was his childhood classmate,

once voted 'Most Likely to Succeed.'"

- Uh...

Hello?

Hello?

Lenniegirl17?

It's How-Dawg.

- I'm sorry, Howie.

- I'm sorry, Howie.

- What?

- Aah!

- No!
I have Third Eye Blind tickets

for--

- "Lennox blamed her action on Stacy Friendship,

- "Lennox blamed her action on Stacy Friendship,

an entity she believed to be controlling her life"?

Oh, my God.

- Okay, well.

Maybe it's a different Stacy Friendship.

Maybe it's a different Stacy Friendship.

Another one.
You know that name's so common.

And it didn't even mention anything about M.A.S.H.

- That name is so common.
Are you kidding?

Beekeeper, shack,
that is the M.A.S.H.iest shit

Beekeeper, shack,
that is the M.A.S.H.iest shit

I have ever heard.

- So what the fuck are we gonna do?

- Yeah, come on, A+ Erica.

- Get your shit. Follow me.

- Shouldn't we take some of your Adderall with us?

- No!
- Erica, listen.

- No!
- Erica, listen.

I'm not going near any convicted killers.

Are you out of your fuckin' mind?

- Okay, we have questions.

Lizzie might have answers.

It's all fine.
We're gonna take my--

It's all fine.
We're gonna take my--

where the fuck is my rental car?

- Wait,
my car's not here either.

- That, uh,
that wasn't there before.

- "All violators will be towed

to Lucky's Autobody and Impound."

to Lucky's Autobody and Impound."

That's weird, because that's where my car's at.

- Okay, this is exactly why we need that beekeeper, okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- So I'm gonna order a Lyft.

Oh!
- What?

Oh!
- What?

- Oh, my God.
both: What?

- Holy shit!
- What, what, what, what?

- I found Jeremy Fischbein.
- Oh, sweet God, ew.

He looks like a leprechaun that only made it

to middle management.
- Ugh, cancel the ride.

to middle management.
- Ugh, cancel the ride.

Cancel the ride, girl.
- It's not letting me!

- I don't want it.
- Mikayla, you do it.

- I don't want it! I got nails!

- All right, give it here!
Give it.

- Boom! App deleted.

- Boom! App deleted.

- Thank you.

- Whoa!
- Oh, my God.

- Was that what was smudged?
- Oh, my God.

- Yeah, right.

You titty twisters wish.

- Oh, my God, dude.
I am so sorry.

- Oh, my God, dude.
I am so sorry.

You were in the--

Josh Greenspan?
- Yeah.

- And Andy and Mikayla,
and is that Erica?

- No! Hi.

- No! Hi.

- Oh, my God,
it's Jeremy Fischbein!

- Yeah, mm-hmm.

From--from growing up.

- Mm-hmm.
- From where?

- Mm-hmm.
- From where?

- You, um--your chariot...

my van's over here.

- Someone fucking kill me.
- Ooh.

- Man, it is so freaking cool

- Man, it is so freaking cool

to see you guys hanging out still.

The Core Three! Oh, my gosh.

So catch me up.

So catch me up.

- Ooh, Erica and her boyfriend are soulmates.

- Hey, that's awesome.

Erica's all boo'd up. Mazel.

Erica's all boo'd up. Mazel.

And I see you and he haven't lost your spark.

- Oh, no, dude. That's all me.

- Oh, my God, ugh.
- What?

What?
- Don't tell people that.

What?
- Don't tell people that.

- All right, I tink we're here.

Dang, trippy haunted house.

Hope you can find it in your little hearts

Hope you can find it in your little hearts

to get cha boy five stars...

Despite the vehicular assault.

Every review help--

Every review help--

- Welcome
to Shutter fuckin' Island.

- Dr. Flores,
dial 182, please.

- Hello, Officer...Adams.

- Hello, Officer...Adams.

We are here to see Lizzie Lennox.

- Inmate Lennox?

She doesn't receive visitors.

She doesn't receive visitors.

Did you even have an appointment?

- An appointment.

Please.

I'm Lizzie's new psychiatrist,

and I'm here for a 2:00 p.m. eval.

And before you ask,
this is my grad team.

And before you ask,
this is my grad team.

- What up?

- Okay.

Room 1266. Careful, doctor.

Room 1266. Careful, doctor.

She's a freak.

- Oh, my God!

- Holy shit.

- Oh, wow.
- Very creative, yet creepy.

- Hi, Lizzie.

Um, my name is Erica.

We just have some questions about Stacy Friendship.

We just have some questions about Stacy Friendship.

- Yeah.

- Um, we found this gamebook,
and--

- Aah!

- Oh, God!
- Oh, no. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

- Oh, God!
- Oh, no. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

- You didn't read the poem,
did you?

- A what?
- The poem in the book.

Did you read it?
- Oh, yeah, we read...

- Yeah, we read it.
- The whole thing.

- Read the shit out of it.
- Front to back.

- It got wild, yeah.
- And the middle.

- It got wild, yeah.
- And the middle.

- Uh-oh.

- SpaghettiO?

- # She's back #

- Who's back?

- Who's back?

Stacy.

- Oh, my God,
I've seen her before.

- Oh, my God,
I've seen her before.

She turned into a fucking coatrack.

- Wait,
are you fucking kidding me?

I literally was jogging this morning,

and that thing had, like,
that cone thing on the eye.

Right? Is that glaucoma?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Is it glaucoma?
- I can hear you.

- Is it glaucoma?
- I can hear you.

- It's glaucoma.

- Stacy Friendship might seem like

a cute, fun book company for tweens...

- Mm-hmm.
- But the real Stacy,

- Mm-hmm.
- But the real Stacy,

Anastasia Amicitia...

- Mm-hmm, old-ass Latin.

That can't be good.
This is not good.

This is--this is bad.

- She's a bitter, impish demon with powers vast and cruel,

- She's a bitter, impish demon with powers vast and cruel,

known to target children during sleepovers,

cursing them with the cruelest
punishment of all:

cursing them with the cruelest punishment of all:

setting their lives on disparate paths

and ending their friendships forever.

- Ooh.

- Ooh.

- Usually Stacy's actions are spread out over the years.

But because you read your poem as adults,

But because you read your poem as adults,

it seems this game is catching up with you.

Fast.

- I've always hated poetry.

- So how do we break the curse?

- So how do we break the curse?

Did you read the poem or not?

It's literally the third line down!

"The key is in what Friendship takes."

"The key is in what Friendship takes."

You have to give Stacy Friendship

what she wants.

- Which is...

- Which is...

- A human sacrifice.

- So, um, is that why you...

- Made Howie miss his concert?

- Yeah.
- Why else?

- So the only way out of this shit

is by killing our game husbands?

is by killing our game husbands?

- Of course not.

- Husband.

Singular.
- Oh.

- And what,
we just end up here with you,

- And what,
we just end up here with you,

wearing Kanye's outfit eating Jell-O?

- And you rid yourself of the demon.

Sure, I'm locked up,

but only because I got caught.

but only because I got caught.

And this place isn't a shack,
is it?

- Mm-mm, no. It's worse.

- And then there's my best friend, Nicky Evans.

Nicky and I played the game together.

Nicky and I played the game together.

Killing Howie saved Nicky's life.

Unless you've seen a lumberjack with triplets

tooling around in a monster truck?

tooling around in a monster truck?

- I hate this so much.

- I don't understand why she targeted us in the first place.

Stacy chooses friendships that are vulnerable.

Stacy chooses friendships that are vulnerable.

- That's crazy.
We're not vulnerable.

We're best friends.
We text every single day.

- What is that sound?

- What is that sound?

- I'm just looking at the drawing.

- I thought you said you were a doctor.

- Uh, baby, I lied.

- Uh, baby, I lied.

- Oh.

- Go to sleep.

- Oh!

- Oh!

all: Oh!

- Holy shit!

- I'm a pro wrestler!

A pro fucking wrestler!

Let's get the fuck outta here!

Let's get the fuck outta here!

- # Up in here #

- Hey, shit stains,
wait for me!

I can't feel my fuckin' legs!

I can't feel my fuckin' legs!

- Oh, this is a cute little towing and auto stop.

All right, well, j'arrive.

All right, well, j'arrive.

Think that's French for "We're here,"

so, yeah, remember to, uh--

- Yeah, five stars.
- Yeah, the--

- Yeah, yeah, five stars.
Whatever.

- Shove it up your ass, Fisch.

- Shove it up your ass, Fisch.

- Heard you. Annoying.

- We heard you.
- God.

-I can't believe we got Fischbein again

- Is he the only driver in LA?
- Ugh, get a grip.

- Was it just me or did his car smell like cheese?

- Was it just me or did his car smell like cheese?

- It did smell like jizz.
- I said cheese, babe.

- Oh.

- Oh.

Well,
this place better be quick.

Well,
this place better be quick.

I got to jet.
- Wait.

Why do you get to leave early?

- Because there's already a powerful entity

controlling my life.
It's called a third grader.

So just, like,
text me where to meet

So just, like,
text me where to meet

and we'll deal with all this demon stuff after, yeah?

- Okay, which one of you needs help?

- Um, all of us in every way.

- Okay, but start with me.

- Okay, yeah.
- Thank you.

- Okay, yeah.
- Thank you.

- It's Ben! One sec.

- Oh, Ben. One sec.
What about me?

I have a phone too, you know.

I have a phone too, you know.

Hello?

I'm an influencer and I have a bell.

Wouldn't wanna give you a bad review.

Wouldn't wanna give you a bad review.

You're getting in my shot.

- Hey, babe. How'd it go?

- Okay, so you know how I really like making plans?

I think I need to start making some new ones.

I think I need to start making some new ones.

- What do you mean?
What happened?

- Phoebe hired her little vapist cousin over me.

- Shit. Well, who knows?

Maybe he deserved it.

Maybe he deserved it.

Anyways, where should we meet?

Just landed at LAX.
- I'm sorry.

I might have misheard you.

You said Cousin Borat deserved it?

- Wait, his name is Borat?
- No!

- Wait, his name is Borat?
- No!

No one is named Borat!

Well, I know--
I wouldn't say no one,

but--there's a possibility,

but he's--he's not--

but he's--he's not--

- Oh. Oh.

Yes.

Fuck me.

Not today, Satan.

Here we go.

Here we go.

- Touched the mirror up.
No problemo.

You're all set, my man.

- Thanks so much. Okay.

Bye.
- Yeah.

- I love what you're doing with that, um...

- I love what you're doing with that, um...

Yeah.

Are you kidding me?

Hey, hey, girl. Hey, girl?

- You can't possibly mean this.

Okay?
You're--I mean, you--

Okay?
You're--I mean, you--

oh, you don't mean this.

It's the game.
It's trying to break us up.

- What game?
- Um, Ben, I'm sorry.

I need you to go to an In-N-Out, any one,

I need you to go to an In-N-Out, any one,

try the fries,
tell me if they're good.

I don't think they're that good, okay?

I'm gonna fix this because I fucking love you!

Bye!
- Love you t--

Bye!
- Love you t--

- Come on, you little bastard.

Come to papa.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit, shit, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit, shit, shit.

Oh, yep. Okay, this is it.

- Hey, girl, sorry.

So funny story,
you actually made it worse

So funny story,
you actually made it worse

'cause it won't start.

- That is funny because it was a second ago.

- So you agree, it's broken?
- Just hang on a minute.

I have to help another customer.

- Okay, I'm a customer too,
so if you could--

- Okay, I'm a customer too,
so if you could--

- Pop quiz!

Where's Lake Titicaca?

- Hey!
- No! No!

- Andy!

Chill out, brother man.

God.

Listen, hey,
I just want to invite you

Listen, hey,
I just want to invite you

to a adult learning group that I happen to be leading up.

I think you'd--

- Oh.

Hey, cowboy, take it easy!

Aah!

Is that what I look like?

Is that what I look like?

Stacy, you stupid bitch.

Stacy, you stupid bitch.

- "Exorcist near me."

- "Exorcist near me."

One sec. Just real quick.

Ugh, there's so much shit on the Internet, right?

- I have other customers.

- I have other customers.

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.

Um.
- Oh, my God. Holy shit.

- You're holding my hand.

- I love you...
- Whoa.

- I love you...
- Whoa.

- And what you do is essential and honorable work.

Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

Uh--
- I'll Venmo you!

- Oh, I'm supposed to get paid!

- Oh, I'm supposed to get paid!

- What the fuck?

You go. Oh, it's you.

You go. Oh, it's you.

Yeah, okay.
I can't go on Segway rides

on the beach with that man,
Erica.

And I can't kill him either

because Mr. Knight is like a town fixture,

because Mr. Knight is like a town fixture,

and I would get caught, like,
in five seconds.

And I can't go to prison.
Look at my face.

Look at my face.

I'm too pretty to go to prison!

I'm too pretty to go to prison!

- No one's killing anyone,
okay?

Just get in the car and ditch that thing.

We're going to Mikayla's.

- Help me.

- Chop-chop!

- Come on.

- Come on.

Stupid.

- You're okay.

- You're okay.

- That's too much.
- I can't stress enough,

I can't stand when you dress up kids like--

I can't stand when you dress up kids like--

- Look, look, look, look, look!

- Hey, Isabella!

You look so different from the last time I saw you.

You look so different from the last time I saw you.

- Yeah, okay.
Well, Mommy might be a while,

so I want you to head on in,

turn on the TV,
and watch "The Irishman."

- Why can't I trick or treat with Arden?

- Why can't I trick or treat with Arden?

- Well, Arden's mom is an emotional terrorist,

and her Botox is honestly a crime.

So you wanna get inside?

So you wanna get inside?

- All right. Love you.

- Sure about that?

- Excuse me?
- Love you.

That was a fake smile.

- Okay, which one's Shamrock's?
- Upstairs.

You guys sure you wanna do this?

He's really expensive.

- I mean, he's legit, right?

You think I would be taken by a mystic?

You think I would be taken by a mystic?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

- Hidey ho, fuckerinos.

- Oh, Limpy.
- Oh, shit.

We left Josh at the lot.

We're sorry.
- No, it's all good,

We're sorry.
- No, it's all good,

although I did almost turn into a human s'more,

so that was kind of weird.

By the way,
Mercedes runs great.

- Aah! Sports.
- For me anyway.

- How did you even find us?

- Andy's Instagram.

- Andy's Instagram.

- What?
- You're live right now.

- No, I'm not.
- You sure are.

- Oh, my gosh, I am.

Oh. Well, only four followers.

I should have at least nine.

- You're worried about nine followers?

- You're worried about nine followers?

That's not even double digits.

Let's go up the stairs.
- Okay.

Hey, guys. Going upstairs.

Sorry about the butt-dial.

- # Informer, ya no say #

- # Informer, ya no say #

# Daddy me Snow me,
I go blame #

# A licky boom boom dem #

# 'Tective man a say,
say daddy me Snow me #

- You've got the wrong Shamrock!

- # Ya no say,
daddy me Snow me, I go blame #

- It's me!

- # 'Tective man a say,
say daddy me Snow me #

- # 'Tective man a say,
say daddy me Snow me #

- Me.

I'm me.

- # You better listen for me now #

# Listen for me,
you better listen for me now #

# When-a me rock-a the microphone #

# When-a me rock-a the microphone #

# Me rock on steady-a #

# Yes a daddy me, Snow me are de article don #

# But the in an a-out a dance an they say #

# Where you come from-a? #

# People dem say ya come from Jamaica #

# People dem say ya come from Jamaica #

# But me born an' raised in the ghetto #

- It's not Shamrock.
I'm a ghost!

Mikayla!

Great to see you.

I'm not a ghost.

I'm not a ghost.

She told you what?

- You guys don't have to murder anyone.

- You guys don't have to murder anyone.

- I'm slightly more relieved.

- Whew.

- That's cute.

You guys are in the right place.

Okay?
Because I'm pretty dialed-in

Okay?
Because I'm pretty dialed-in

to the spirit realm.

And I don't wanna get, like,
all HJO on you.

Haley Joel Osment.

Haley Joel Osment.

But entities,

they fuck with Shamrock.

You know whose ghost sat over there last week?

Take a guess.
- Guess?

Take a guess.
- Guess?

- Gandhi?
- No.

- Is it Lucille Ball?
- What did you say?

- Was it Lucille Ball?
- No.

- The Gerber baby?

- Joe DiMaggio.
- Oh.

- Who?
- Joe DiMaggio.

- Who?
- Joe DiMaggio.

- Joe DiMaggio.
- Marilyn Manson's husband.

- Marilyn Monroe.
- Baseball.

- Anyway, this sounds like what we in the metaphysical field

call "a real fuckup."
- Okay.

- So here's what we're gonna do.

- So here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna conjure the demon.
- Mm-hmm.

- We're gonna uncross your wires.

- Okay.
- And we're gonna send her

straight back to hell.

That sound groovy?
- Sounds so groovy.

That sound groovy?
- Sounds so groovy.

- So groovy.
- It's groo-vay.

- All right,
so here's what I'm gonna need.

I'm gonna need the book

and one of your Venmos.

- Okay.
- And in the For line,

don't put anything specific and just put, like,

don't put anything specific and just put, like,

a random emoji or something 'cause I don't want Venmo

coming back at me with, like,
a business fee.

- Anastasia?

Anastasia, if you can hear me,

send us a sign.

both: Oh.

both: Oh.

- Anastasia?

Anastasia, is that you?

Knock once for yes and twice for no.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Listen, we're not gonna take up

too much of your time.

I know it's crazy busy down there

in your realm,
especially on Halloween.

So just tell us,

So just tell us,

was it you who delivered this book?

- Oh, my God.
- Whoa.

Well, okay.

And was it your intention for these four souls

And was it your intention for these four souls

to be its recipient?

- Aah!

- Okay, Shamrock,
we see what you're doing.

- Shh! Eyes closed.

- Shh! Eyes closed.

She said it wasn't for you.
That's good news.

- No, it's not,
and we're out ¤1,500.

- Okay, you know what?
I don't even usually take

walk-ins,
and I'm only doing this

'cause Mikayla's a friend.

- No, no, no, no.
I am so sorry.

- No, no, no, no.
I am so sorry.

Do you guys wanna do this or not?

- Yes, we do.
- Okay.

- Let's get into it.

Shamrock, they're sorry.

Stacy, you're still here,
right?

Stacy, you're still here,
right?

Okay, well,
let's get back into it.

Sham?

- That wasn't me.

- That wasn't me.

- What?

- We have a visitor.

- My hair.

- Um, what the fuck?

- Um, what the fuck?

- Okay, demon.

It's time to--

- Aah!

Aah.

- Shammy?

You--
- Aah!

Felicem vesperam sanctam.

- You bitches are so fucked.

- We never should've played that fucking game!

- Core Three for life, huh?

- Core Three and Josh.

- What the fuck do you want from us?

- What the fuck do you want from us?

- # Erica and Fischbein sittin' in a tree #

- Okay, you need to take several seats.

Okay, you leave her alone.
- Or what?

You're gonna make me a mean ticky-tocky?

You're gonna make me a mean ticky-tocky?

I bet Mr. Knight likes having his toes sucked.

- Mm-mm, Stacy,

you leave him alone.

- Mrs. Joey Fatone.

- Mrs. Joey Fatone.

Mega-mansion, huh?

- Yes.

- Actually sounds pretty nice.

- Honestly, it doesn't sound that bad.

But you shut up.
You shut up!

But you shut up.
You shut up!

- Yeah, man.
Shut the fuck up!

- Well, if it isn't the virgin!

All right.

This guy's obviously a scam artist,

This guy's obviously a scam artist,

'cause I fuck puss all the time and we all know it.

- Puss?

- You're gonna die today,
incel boy.

I've definitely had sex,
though!

- God, that's loud and stinky.

Shamrock?
Sham, are you--are you okay?

Shamrock?
Sham, are you--are you okay?

Are you yourself?

Shammy?
Shamrock?

Is that you?
You okay?

- Did...

- Yeah?

The Venmo go through?

Guys, I said use an emoji.

- He's sensitive.

- Hey, Josh.
It's okay. We knew.

- You did?

- Definitely.
- Yeah.

- Look, for the record,
I'm not an incel.

- Look, for the record,
I'm not an incel.

All right?

I'm just involuntarily celibate.

Okay, yeah.
That's what an incel is.

- Heard it out loud.
- You get it.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Guys, I--

I can't die a virgin.

Okay.

I will take one for the team.

I will take one for the team.

I will give you one,
two minutes--

- I don't want a pity hump.

I want the real thing,
you know?

I want to live.

I want to live.

I want to be loved.

I want to be held.

I want to do reiki on a beach somewhere.

- What?

- So help me God,
if I had a M.A.S.H. wife--

- So help me God,
if I had a M.A.S.H. wife--

I would kill the shit out of that bitch.

- Aw, so sweet.

But I guess even in my own fantasies,

I'm still destined to be alone, huh?

I'm still destined to be alone, huh?

- Yeah.

- Okay, is no one gonna say it?
- Say what?

- Okay, I guess I'll say it.

- What?

- Erica, you have to kill Fischbein.

- Yeah.
- What?

- Yeah.
- What?

- Yeah.
- I can't do it.

I was valedictorian!
- So?

The Unabomber went to Harvard.
What's your point?

- Did he really? He must've been legacy or something.

- Super sure.
- He was really smart.

- Okay, I'm not a murderer,
okay, Andy?

- Okay, I'm not a murderer,
okay, Andy?

I'm not gonna do it.
We just need to re-group

and make some flowcharts or something.

- Flowch--what?
It's a demon curse, Erica!

You're not just gonna make some Microsoft Excel

You're not just gonna make some Microsoft Excel

and get rid of it, okay?

And no one's gonna,
like, fucking miss

or even question the disappearance

of Jeremy Fischbein, okay?

The guy had no goals,
no ambition,

The guy had no goals,
no ambition,

he's boring, so dull, and so,
like, ugh!

- Not to mention he's a shit driver, am I right?

- Also, you would literally be saving my life,

- Also, you would literally be saving my life,

so that would be pretty fucking sweet.

- Okay, fine.
I'll do it.

I'll whack off Fischbein tonight at Camp Wanabangme.

I'll whack off Fischbein tonight at Camp Wanabangme.

- Yes.
- Okay, are you happy?

- No, not whack him off.
It's just, like, whack him.

- I've always said that.

- I've always said that.

- Whacking off is, like...
- Don't listen to them.

- You know, when you, like--

- In our house, it's whack off.

- You know, when I saw your message in the app,

I was like, "Okay, what'd she leave in my backseat?

Wallet or keys?"

Wallet or keys?"

- And then when you're like,

"Oh, actually I'm single.
Let's hang out."

I was like, "Okay, heck yeah."

- Guess I've just been waiting for this moment

- Guess I've just been waiting for this moment

since I saw that sweet Austin Powers impression

when we were in seventh grade.

- Yeah, I still dabble in impressions, actually.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Can I see one?

- Yeah, yeah, like uh...

Werner Herzog was looking at this plate, he'd be like,

Werner Herzog was looking at this plate, he'd be like,

Cheese is the symbol

of man's dominance over the dairy animals.

- Or I usually do Sam Elliott hosting "RuPaul's Drag Race."

- Okay.

Bring back my hogs.

For today's maxi challenge,

you gotta dress up all these little piggies

you gotta dress up all these little piggies

like they're hitting Studio 54.

So wait, all the "Drag Race" contestants are all--

- They're hogs.
- Hogs? Yeah.

- They're hogs.
- Hogs? Yeah.

- They're gonna be a great bacon one day.

- Look at me.
You're a beautiful hog.

Don't let anyone take that away from you.

Anyway, uh, to your health.

- And to yours.

Um, I got a ride.

Um, I got a ride.

- Yeah, all right.

Oh, God.

- Uh, you sound really out-of-shape.

- Oh, God. I'm gonna throw up.
- Yeah.

- Oh, boy.

- Oh, boy.

- Ugh, you okay?
- Oh yeah, I'm all right.

- Oh, God. No.

Just so we're clear...

I did that so we don't go to jail,

I did that so we don't go to jail,

not because of my M.A.S.H fate...

as a gravedigger.

- Of course not, but you are freakishly good at it.

- Well, thank you.

- It wasn't a compliment.
It's a disgusting job.

- All right.

- All right.

- So when you're done with that,

put the shovel over there by cabin 69.

69.

That's where we told Erica we would be

and we're gonna hide over there

where Mikayla's pissing in the bushes where we're gonna hide!

where Mikayla's pissing in the bushes where we're gonna hide!

Mikayla!

- I don't plan of Lyfting forever, of course.

- I don't plan of Lyfting forever, of course.

- You have some larger aspirations?

- Yeah, I mean,
doesn't everybody?

I'm trying to open up my own artisanal cheese shop,

Fischbein Farms.

Fischbein Farms.

I've been studying up on how to age everything

from gouda to gruyere.

Luckily, my parents are letting me stay for a while.

I'm in savings mode.

I'm in savings mode.

And I just--
I really love my parents.

- Wow, so you're gonna be a cheesemonger?

- Uh, we prefer curd nerd.

- Uh, we prefer curd nerd.

I saw that on the internet.

Man,
I'm, like, killing it tonight.

- Mm!

- How's that chevre tasting?

- Honestly,
I could bathe in this.

- Honestly,
I could bathe in this.

Where's it from?

- Not where, who.

- Hmm?

- Come on.
I'll show you the shack.

- Come on.
I'll show you the shack.

- The--the what?

- I built it just for her.

Henrietta,
meet my friend Erica.

- Oh, my God.
Jeremy, she's adorable.

- Yeah, she is.

You're a hell of a dairy goat,
too, aren't ya?

You wouldn't know it looking at her,

You wouldn't know it looking at her,

but she was actually the runt of her litter.

Guess that's why I like her so much.

I'm kind of a runt, too.

Oh, my God.
- What? What's wrong?

- Um, she's early.

- Early for what?

- Early for what?

- Get in here quick.
- Why?

- We're having a kid.

- Kid?

- Kid?

- Oh,
what's taking her so long?

- I don't know.
It's hard to seduce people.

- Never send a blond to do a gay man's job.

- What?

- What?

- Wait, you're gay?
- Oh, come on.

- What?
- Is he gay?

- Shut up, Josh.

- I didn't--I don't know.

I don't make assumptions like that.

- Honestly pretty progressive.
- Thank you.

- Honestly pretty progressive.
- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- My God, so little.

- Dang, mommy!

Check you out,
bottle-feeding.

I'm calling you
for future litters.

I'm calling you for future litters.

Future litters?

- Come on.
I can't have just one kid.

The plan is a hundred.

- Um, you know what?

Maybe mama and baby need to relax, bond.

Maybe get a change of scenery?

Maybe get a change of scenery?

- Um, sure.

Um, what were you thinking?

Axe-throwing bar, something?

- What about Camp Wanabango?

- What about Camp Wanabango?

- Hell yeah.

- You look like Jigglypuff.

- You look like Jigglypuff.

- I'm Ariana Grande.
- You do look like

a Jigglypuff Grande.

- Yeah,
look at his little curl.

You're Jigglypuff.
- I'm--

Oh--
Here she comes.

Oh--
Here she comes.

- For a spot we all used to party at,

this place has super dark vibes, right?

- Yeah.

Paging Jason Voorhees.

That's silly.
- Yeah.

That's silly.
- Yeah.

- Good luck.

- Man, I-I feel like such an A-hole

for not asking you why you were home in the first place.

for not asking you why you were home in the first place.

- Oh, uh, that's okay.

Um, I was here for a job interview,

um, but I didn't get it.

The boss ended up giving it to her asshole cousin,

Lenny, who's still waiting for his...

Lenny, who's still waiting for his...

frontal lobe to develop.

- Oh.

It's go time.

- Well, Lenny sounds like a douche canoe.

- Well, Lenny sounds like a douche canoe.

- Oh, that's--

y-you don't think he deserved it?

- What the fuck is she doing?

- The CEO's cousin?
Yeah, he earned it about

- The CEO's cousin?
Yeah, he earned it about

as much as I earned my Peyronie's disease.

If this lady can't see your brilliance,

then she's just as moronic as the dude she promoted.

then she's just as moronic as the dude she promoted.

- That is so nice to hear.

- You were always so insanely talented.

I mean, you won, like,
every art show in school.

I mean, you won, like,
every art show in school.

God, I had such a crush on you when we were kids.

- I had a crush on you.

- Even this firecrotch is getting ass?

Unbelievable.

- Did you hear that?
- Um, I think that was an owl.

- Did you hear that?
- Um, I think that was an owl.

N--um--
- Hoo-hoot.

- No, no, Jeremy, ah,
I wouldn't, um--

- Hoot.
- I wouldn't go over there.

Owls are very territorial.

Shit.

- What the--

- What the--

- Hoot.
- Oh, God.

- Oh.

- What--

is this some kind of prank or something?

- What? I didn't even know you guys still hung out here.

- What? I didn't even know you guys still hung out here.

That's so fuckin' crazy.
That's fun.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

- What is this,
uh, a brewski session?

Huh? Fuckin' pass one.

- Whoo!

- Whoo!

- Yeah, brewski times!

- Oh, yum.

- That can is clearly old and full of dirt.

- So you lured me here on a date

to--to Camp Wanabangme,

to Cabin 69,

as a prank?

as a prank?

- No, this is--this is just a crazy, crazy coincidence.

- No, the first two times was a coincidence.

This--

this is mean.

this is mean.

Are you even single?
Mikayla, is she single?

- Ooh, ah, that's a--
that's a tricky question.

- Man, I--I feel
like such an idiot.

- Man, I--I feel
like such an idiot.

I really thought I had a chance with Erica Greenspan.

Cool joke, though.
- No, no, no.

No, I'm--I'm so s--no, no.

What if we're meant to be together?

Jeremy, what if I want to live in a shack

with you and have 100 kids?

- Well, congratulations.

You just had your first fight as a future couple

since you couldn't end the game!

- I'm sorry I couldn't kill him.

- I'm sorry I couldn't kill him.

He's fucking nice.

And he's got dreams,
and he's a sweetheart.

- Oh, he's charming?

Oh, he's fucking Prince Charming.

Come on, Erica!

Come on, Erica!

It's fucking Fischbein!

And you made a promise.

You're such a bad friend.

- Really?

Okay, I'm--I'm sorry,
when did murder

Okay, I'm--I'm sorry,
when did murder

become the metric of true friendship?

- Mikayla, back me up.

- Hm.

- Hm.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- Oh, my God!

You're glad she didn't finish the game, aren't you?

- What? No.

I mean, it's just...

I mean, it's just...

I'm kind of psyched about my fate.

You know, it would be awesome to win Hell in a Cell,

marry up, and honestly,

marry up, and honestly,

these are growing on me.

- See? I'm not a bad friend.

- Oh, my God, what did you think was gonna happen?

You were gonna get that job,

and you were gonna move back into town,

and it's gonna be like 2002

and it's gonna be like 2002

with the Core Three!
Core Three!

Lolz, "Pimp My Ride!"

- I never said shit about "Pimp My Ride."

- Okay, what'd you think?

We were gonna hang out every day?

What would we talk about?

What would we talk about?

The King of Farts?
- Ah, Paul Dudley!

- Oh, shut the fuck up, Josh!

- That guy rocks, Andy!

- Erica, you have been MIA for a long time.

- Erica, you have been MIA for a long time.

- Okay, I'm--I'm sorry I moved to New York.

Okay? But here's a question.

When was the last time any of you checked on me, hmm?

When was the last time any of you checked on me, hmm?

I'm not gonna lord that over you, though, because I care

about this friendship and I want it to work.

In fact, I'm the only one who keeps that text thread movin'.

In fact, I'm the only one who keeps that text thread movin'.

- Sorry, what text thread?

- Yeah,
you're the only one keeping

that text thread alive...

- Yeah.
- With your cringey memes!

- Yeah.
- With your cringey memes!

What do we call her, Mikayla?

- We don't have to do this, Andy.

- Tell her.
- We don't have to do this.

- Tell her.
- No, no, no.

I'm curious.

What do you call me?

- We call you...

- We call you...

the Memelord.

And we have a sidebar text thread

talking about how cringey yours are.

talking about how cringey yours are.

- Okay, so I'm not in either one of the text threads?

all: Shut the fuck up, Josh!

- This isn't about you!

- Yeah, of course it isn't!

- Yeah, of course it isn't!

It's never about old Josh,
is it?

I mean, I'm the one that's set to die

now that Fisch isn't, right?

- Hopefully.
- But whatever.

Let's just talk about anything else first.

Let's just talk about anything else first.

Huh?

You guys have always treated me

like nothing more than an afterthought.

- What the hell was that?

- What the hell was that?

- Oh, my God, it's Mr. Knight.

What's he doing at Camp Wanabangme?

- Probably fucking an atlas.
That guy's a creep.

I'm gonna save all our asses.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm gonna save all our asses.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- You can thank me later,
dildos.

- Mr. Leonard?
- Pop quiz, fuckface!

- Oh!

- Oh!

- Ah!

See? Was that so hard?

- I mean--
- It looked--

it looked difficult, yeah.
- Really hard.

it looked difficult, yeah.
- Really hard.

- But you made it look good.

- Thank you.

- Ah!

That's a detention.

That's a detention.

- Whoa!
- Oh!

- Oh, I think big boy wants to tango, huh?

Hey! Oopsie.

- Ooh.
- Oh, you know.

- Oops!

- Oops!

Nope! Try again.

- I'm trying to!
- Oh!

That's sad. Upcha!

- This is getting hard to watch.

- Don't try to hit me. Hit me.

Oh! Andy, there are consequences for your actions.

Oh! Andy, there are consequences for your actions.

Why won't you die!

- Oh!

- Oh, wow.
- Oh, okay.

- Is he...

- Oh!

- Ah!

- You're gonna do great, kid.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Okay.

- Fill her up, Josh.

Shovel's in the grave.

Shovel's in the grave.

- You should probably go check his pulse.

- Me? Don't send the Black one in first.

You go.
- I wanna touch a dead body.

- Now that my car works,

I guess I'll see you all never.

- Sounds like a plan.

- I guess I'll cut my nails.

- I guess I'll cut my nails.

- Later, you fuckin' fucks!

- Later, babe.

Careful with my doors.
Still leasing this.

Careful with my doors.
Still leasing this.

Brand new Mercedes, so please--
- Huh, it's a lease?

- Yeah, it's a lease.

You fucking bitch.

- My leg feels better.
- That's good.

- Yeah, it's great.
Fantastic.

- Trick or treat.
- Ben!

- Trick or treat.
- Ben!

- I went through so many In N' Out wrappers

I think I learned a Bible verse.

I think I learned a Bible verse.

But the only thing I wanted off the secret menu was you.

- Sick line, brah.
Sick line.

Oh, and don't worry about that hickey.

Oh, and don't worry about that hickey.

It's strictly platonic.

- That's my brother.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

- Not gonna ask.

Can't believe you're letting us drink red over a couch.

Can't believe you're letting us drink red over a couch.

- Must have really missed me.

Oh, crap.

- What?
- Work stuff.

- What?
- Huh.

- What?
- Huh.

There's been an uprising in Nicaragua.

They need me on the next flight to Quito.

- Come on, you just got here.

- I know, right?

- I know, right?

But it's work.

You get it.

Last thing I need is a "Lenny"

trying to steal my thunder,
you know?

- I totally get it.
Okay.

- I totally get it.
Okay.

I'm just so fucking relieved

we still have a future together.

- Why wouldn't we?

- No reason.

- No reason.

Jason Momoa!

- What?
- Um, uh--

you look just like Jason Momoa.

That's so crazy I just thought of it.

You must get that all the time.

You must get that all the time.

People must confuse you--
whoa, that's so crazy.

So you need to get on that flight to Quito.

Have a great uprising.
- Okay.

- You need to get your ass on that plane.

- Well, I--
- Okay, and we'll just circle

- Well, I--
- Okay, and we'll just circle

back when we're both in Brooklyn, okay?

- Yeah. Wow.

Thanks-thanks
for understanding.

- Circling back, babe.
Love you.

Why is it still here?

Why is it still here?

Lizzie said this would be over

like it was for her and her friend.

Okay?

Her friend. Oh, my God.

Her friend. Oh, my God.

Uh, N-Nicky.

Nicky Evans, Ventura.

- Babe!

- Babe.
- You came through.

Praise Jesus.

Praise Jesus.

- Of course.
I wouldn't miss it.

- Okay, well, bathroom's that way,

because this ain't it.

But then we have so many people to meet.

God, I swear, Andy,

God, I swear, Andy,

once you start training us for free,

you'll totes get that follower count up, henny.

- Wait, for, uh, free? What?

- Okay, wait.
My boyfriend is on his way.

How's our ass?
- Yeah, it looks

How's our ass?
- Yeah, it looks

oh, so fat.

Girl, see ya later.

- We've been following you,
Andy Leonard.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Candace's friends, right?

Oh, yes. "Handmaid's Tale."
Love it.

What's your handle?
I'll follow you girls too.

Okay, we're walking.
Okay.

- I wanted to trick or treat.

- Yeah, yeah, I know, baby.

But this is--this is way better.

Damn, this place is nice.

Damn, this place is nice.

Oh, shit.
I hope he still likes me.

- That guy?
Why wouldn't he like you?

- Well, because we broke the--
Oh.

- Well, because we broke the--
Oh.

- Whoopsies.

You know what that means,
right?

You fall in love with the first man

you lay eyes on.
Me.

Joey Fatone.

Joey Fatone.

- So are we, like,
still a thing?

- Baby, no one can resist Cupid's arrow.

Yow!
- Oh.

Yow!
- Oh.

Don't look at that.

- They don't call me "fat one" for nothing.

- Oh, my God.
Come on, come on.

- Okay.
That's a pretty normal house.

Holy shit.

- And then there's my best friend, Nicky Evans.

Killing Howie saved Nicky's life.

Killing Howie saved Nicky's life.

Unless you've seen a lumberjack with triplets

tooling around in a monster truck?

- That better be a boat.

- That better be a boat.

Oh. Shit. That's not good.

Monster truck, triplets.

Monster truck, triplets.

If this guy is a lumberjack,
I'm gonna fucking--

- Hey, Jesus.

- This is private property.

- This is private property.

- Nicky Evans?
- Yeah, who's asking?

- My friends and I played this, too.

- My friends and I played this, too.

So I don't fucking understand

how this is possible because Lizzie said that--

- Wait.

- Wait.

My girls and their mother will be home soon.

Why don't you come join me in the mouth of hell?

- Oh. That's the name of your monster truck.

- Yeah, what'd you think I meant?

- I, um--it felt--
it felt ominous.

- I, um--it felt--
it felt ominous.

- Oh, no, it's just the name of the truck.

Come on.
- Okay.

You just parkour into this or what?

- No, no, I got a ladder.
They supply a ladder.

- No, no, I got a ladder.
They supply a ladder.

When you get a monster truck,
they give you a ladder.

- The curse was never broken.

- What do you mean the curse was never broken?

Lizzie lives in the nuthouse,
not a shack.

Lizzie lives in the nuthouse,
not a shack.

- The State Hospital and Asylum for Convicted Killers?

Are you familiar with the word acronym?

Are you familiar with the word acronym?

- State Hosp--S-H-A-C-K.
Oh, my God.

- You know, look,
I know it's rough,

especially at first, but...

especially at first, but...

Even though Stacy has her claws in you,

it's not a dead end.

I mean, my kids are great.
I have a solid marriage.

I mean, my kids are great.
I have a solid marriage.

You know, I mean, sure,
it's virtually impossible

to parallel park this beast,

but at least nobody fucks with me on the 101

when I press the button.
- What button?

when I press the button.
- What button?

- Oh, ho, ho.
This button right here.

Watch this.

Oh.

Oh.

- Oh, my God.
You do that on the freeway?

- I do it on the freeway.
I do it on side streets.

I'll do it in cul-de-sac,
I don't give a shit.

I'll do it in cul-de-sac,
I don't give a shit.

Sometimes I'll do it in the Trader Joe's parking lot.

I mean, I'm gonna share something with you

that I probably shouldn't.

But it's true what they say about dudes and big trucks.

But it's true what they say about dudes and big trucks.

I am completely compensating

for my too small--
- Oh, you don't need to...

- No, no, you didn't know what I was gonna say.

- No, no, you didn't know what I was gonna say.

Let me finish.
- Oh.

- I am completely compensating for my small penis.

- Okay, that's definitely what I thought you were gonna say.

- Oh, well, then I guess I didn't need to finish.

Anyway...

Anyway...

- I just can't understand why Lizzie would lie to us.

I mean, doesn't she know all of your shit came true?

- Course she knows.

You know, I'm--
I'm pretty sure I told her.

You know, I'm--
I'm pretty sure I told her.

- What?

- Well, I--I--look, Stacy

sets us off in very different directions, okay?

- You never told Lizzie?

- You never told Lizzie?

- You think being a woodsman-
girl dad three times over

gives you extra free time?

I mean, besides,
I'm constantly in training

I mean, besides,
I'm constantly in training

for the Paul Bunyan competition every year--

- Fuck the Paul Bunyan competition!

- Oh, that's easy to say when you're not a lumberjack!

- Lizzie was your best friend.

- Yeah, well, you know,
we're...still pretty close.

- Yeah, the fuck you are.

The only joy she has in life

is thinking she saved yours.

When was the last time you took the 40 minutes

to drive and say hi?

- Oh, my God, I'm an asshole.

- You have to go see her.

Bring her some crayons.
She has, like, two:

purple and black.
- I can't.

purple and black.
- I can't.

Okay?

It would be too awkward,

and she would be so mad at me.

- Yeah, probably,

but avoiding conflict isn't friendship.

but avoiding conflict isn't friendship.

You're being a coward.

- Well, maybe I am a coward, all right?

- Oh, my God. Wow.

You don't need to do that.
Jesus.

You don't need to do that.
Jesus.

- Nicky Evans,
the cowardly lumberj--jack.

- Oh, no.

- You're okay.

- Here, hold this.
- What?

You're gonna go pee-pee?

- Erica, I need you to do me a favor.

- What?

- I need you to push the button.

- Okay, I'm not gonna do that.

- Okay, I'm not gonna do that.

- Push the goddamn button!
Push the button!

- I don't deserve the Golden Bunyan.

Push the button!

- I'm not gonna flambe your face, dude!

- I'm not gonna flambe your face, dude!

But I am gonna make things right with my friends.

Okay, and I think you should

grow some balls and do the same with Lizzie.

- My balls are fine.

- My balls are fine.

It's my penis that's the issue.

- Oh, my God.

- I'm starting to regret

sharing that information with you.

- Welcome to my N'SYNC-tuary!

- Welcome to my N'SYNC-tuary!

- Oh, my God.

- Look at these Moon Men.

- Yeah.
Winning those bad boys

makes you feel like Neil Armstrong himself.

makes you feel like Neil Armstrong himself.

Hey, easy there, Tater Tot.

Those are gonna be in the Hard Rock Cafe one day.

- Isabella, you have to be respectful.

- Isabella, you have to be respectful.

This is our chance to change our lives!

- Why would we wanna change our lives?

- Because I--because we--
uh...

- Because I--because we--
uh...

don't you want this mansion?

Don't you want a stepdad

who's been on "The Masked Singer"?

Don't you want me to be the coolest mom in school?

- You're already the coolest.

- You're already the coolest.

- Oh, come on.

I can't compete with Arden's mom

and her gluten-free crostinis.

I pack Meatball Delites for you.

- Arden's mom's crostinis suck shit.

- Arden's mom's crostinis suck shit.

- Oh.

- It's why Arden throws them out.

She eats your sandwiches.

I share them with her.

Can we go trick-or-treating?

- Yes, baby.
Let's go.

- Hey, wait.
You can't go just yet.

Mikayla, listen.

Once you said you were coming,

I knew it wasn't just gonna be a Halloween party.

I knew it wasn't just gonna be a Halloween party.

It's gonna be a wedding!

- Wow, those nails are freaking nasty.

- Wow, those nails are freaking nasty.

Zaddy like.

- Oh, God!
- Jesus Christ!

- Fart.
You're an animal!

- You ever fucking knock?
- Okay, look.

I don't wanna tell you this under these circumstances,

I don't wanna tell you this under these circumstances,

but look, I'm sorry

I didn't tell you I was coming home, okay?

And for always treating you like an afterthought

And for always treating you like an afterthought

when the truth is,
you've always been our fourth.

But the game is still on,

so I'm gonna need you to wash up, okay?

'Cause we're going to a party.

'Cause we're going to a party.

- Wait, you and me?

- Yes.
- Tight.

- So you're gonna need to put on some pants.

All right, yeah.
I'm just gonna make some coffee

'cause I'm super tired from digging graves

and jerking off all day.

and jerking off all day.

- Okay, there's no time for that.

Drink this.
- All right. Oh!

- Good catch with all that lube.

Okay, chop, chop.

Wash your dick.

- 10,000 followers,
here I come.

- 10,000 followers,
here I come.

Ow!

- We are the Students of the Knight's Order.

- Ah, and you're all...naked.

- Ah, and you're all...naked.

I had no idea

that Mr. Knight's adult study group

was so, um, adult.

- It's his no longer.

- It's his no longer.

He who vanquishes

the Great Knight on All Hallow's Eve

fulfills the divine prophecy,

and you did,
back at the campground.

and you did,
back at the campground.

You're our leader now.

- Oh, fuck me.

- With pleasure.

The new Knight has ordered the bacchanal.

The new Knight has ordered the bacchanal.

- No, I ordered nothing.

- Take me, Andy.

Take me and brand my ball sack.

- Now I'm ready to trick-or-treat.

both: What are you doing here?

- Doesn't matter.
The game never--

- Never ended?
Yeah, I figured that out

when fucking NXIVM showed up.

when fucking NXIVM showed up.

- Hey.

- Oh, no.
Turn around, Brad.

- Wait, I need to say something.

Okay?

You guys are right.

You guys are right.

I mean,

we've all changed a ton,

and we don't have what we used to,

and we never will again,

- Oh, wow, that's really nice.
- That was rude.

- We were codependent little freaks growing up.

We spent every minute together.

That shit's not sustainable.

I wanted to see everything was the same,

I wanted to see everything was the same,

because if it was, it means I didn't miss anything,

and I wasn't a bad friend.

But I was.

Whatever my future holds,

Whatever my future holds,

I need you guys in it.

- Yeah?

- I'm sorry.

- No, I'm sorry.

I--I've been a huge,

I--I've been a huge,

veiny, throbbing, oozing dick

about the whole kill-Fischbein thing,

calling you a memelord,

and Mikayla, I'm so sorry

and Mikayla, I'm so sorry

that I pushed you away all those years.

- No, no, no, I'm so sorry

I made fun of you and your friends!

- Oh, those users are not my friends.

- Aw.

- I'm just a tiny little toxic man.

- I'm just a tiny little toxic man.

- Yeah.

I protect my heart by wrapping it in barbed wire,

but the truth is,

but the truth is,

truth is, those barbs cut both ways.

- Well, that's how barbed wire works, but...

Barbed wire's...
Is that sharp.

- I may have never fucked a chick before...

- I may have never fucked a chick before...

- Oh...

- But I sure do fucks with you guys, you know?

- Hold me.
- No, no, you stay there.

- You're probably right.
I'll just stand here.

- You're probably right.
I'll just stand here.

- You guys,

whenever your mansions or apartments need plumbing,

I'm your bitch.

- Aww.
- Thanks, bitch.

- Also, guys,

- Also, guys,

SummerSlam happens every summer!

So you guys are VIP to the square ring.

So you guys are VIP to the square ring.

- Dude, I am so down...

you know, until I,
you know, die,

'cause that's gonna happen still.

- That's a bummer.
- Yeah.

- What the shit is that?

- What the shit is that?

Excuse me.
- What?

- # I like the way you do that right there #

- 'Sup, Ben?

- Erica! You're here!

- Erica! You're here!

You're here!

- Baby, who the hell is this?

- Uh, I'm Ben's girlfriend.
Who the hell are you?

- Uh, Candace Nicaragua.

- Uh, Candace Nicaragua.

From TikTok?
- Boo.

- We matched on Raya,
like, a year ago.

- So this was the flight you had to catch to Nicaragua.

- So this was the flight you had to catch to Nicaragua.

Oh, my God.

You didn't come out here to celebrate me.

Every time you're busy or you have "work" in LA,

Every time you're busy or you have "work" in LA,

you're just "in Nicaragua"?

- No, he's in LA, fucking me.

- That's what I meant, bitch.

- Okay, Erica,

I actually do come here for shoots,

I actually do come here for shoots,

and I'm flying out to Quito in an hour.

- Oh, yeah?
Well, Quito is in Ecuador.

- Yeah, and cheaters get choke-slammed!

- Yeah, and cheaters get choke-slammed!

- Andy, you're seriously with these musty old bitches?

- Andy, you're seriously with these musty old bitches?

- Hey, I will never apologize for my friends

or the fact that I like succulents and skinny jeans,

and I remember exactly where I was on 9/11.

and I remember exactly where I was on 9/11.

I was at the orthodontist,

because I remember asking

for red, white, and blue rubber bands

because it was really sad!

Okay?
And I don't care!

Okay?
And I don't care!

I'm Andy goddamn Leonard,

and I was born in 1990,

and I was born in 1990,

and I'm ch-ch-cheugy!

And I love it!

- So gross.

- Shut the fuck up!

- Shut the fuck up!

- Yeah, I'm gonna die soon--
- Don't touch me.

- Okay, that's fair.

- I'm gonna dedicate this next song

- I'm gonna dedicate this next song

to a very, very special woman.

Mikayla Sanders,

this one's for you.

this one's for you.

- # You're all I ever wanted #

- Wait, wait, wait.
This is our song

from the Fall Lip Sync.

This isn't his song!

- Joseph Anthony Fatone,

- Joseph Anthony Fatone,

you stop playing that right now!

- No way. I love you!

- You know what?
Fuck it.

- You know what?
Fuck it.

It's Core Four time.

- Core Four?
You just make that up?

- Rolls off the tongue,
doesn't it?

Heads up.

Heads up.

- # It's hard to say I'm sorry #

# It's hard to make the things I did undone #

# It's hard to make the things I did undone #

# A lesson I've learned too well for sure #

# So don't hang up the phone now #

# I'm trying to figure out just what to do #

# I'm trying to figure out just what to do #

- That's my girl.

- # Without you #

# You're all I ever wanted #

# You're all I ever wanted #

# You're all I ever needed,
yeah #

- # When I want you back #

- Josh, are you okay?

- Josh, are you okay?

Oh, my God, the energy drink.

Is this what kills you?

- The curse!
It's breaking!

- The curse!
It's breaking!

- "The key is in what friendship takes."

That wasn't about Stacy Friendship.

- It was about our friendship!

- Oh, my God.
We have to keep dancing.

- We do?

- We do?

- We got this.
- Okay.

- # You're all I ever wanted #

- # You're all I ever wanted #

# You're all I ever needed #

- Even when she pukes,
she's hot.

- # So tell me what to do now #

- # So tell me what to do now #

# When I want you back #

- Holy fuck!

That shit was inside of us?

That shit was inside of us?

- No!

You bitches are supposed to be finished!

- Game over, bitch.

- Game over, bitch.
- Game over, bitch!

- That's enough.
- Okay.

- That's enough.
- Okay.

- # When I want #

# You back #

- October 31st.

- Mm. God Oh, God.

- Mm. God Oh, God.

Either I slept weird,
or I am super sore

from choke-slamming your boyfriend through a table.

Agh.

Ugh.
- Mikayla, your nails.

Ugh.
- Mikayla, your nails.

- What? Oh!

No more world record?

- The book.
- What?

- It's gone.
- What?

- And the snake, which means...

- And the snake, which means...

- Oh, my God.
- Josh!

Josh.

- Holy shit. I'm alive.

- Holy shit. I'm alive.

Oh, my God.
- Yeah!

- I'm gonna live.
I'm gonna live!

I'm gonna live!

I'm gonna live!

You there! Boy in the blue!

What day is this?

- Fuck you, old man!

- All right.

- All right.

- Dick bitch ass.

- You know, guys,
I gotta tell you,

in hindsight, that was pretty fucking fun.

- No.
Josh, what the fuck?

- No.
Josh, what the fuck?

- Oh, wow.

The whole N'SYNC posse is in the hizzie.

- Ooh, wow.

Your memory's sick, bro!

Your memory's sick, bro!

- Please.

You used to play that album so much,

you practically beat me over the head with it.

- 'Cause--'cause you...

- Only figuratively, though.

- Huh?

- Happy Halloween!

- Uh...

- The all-in-one Theranos blood test.

- The all-in-one Theranos blood test.

But in all seriousness, you guys,

I actually do have some pretty big news.

- It's-a me, Mario!

What's wrong?

Her cousin?

Jesus. Really?

Jesus. Really?

Well, who knows?

Maybe he deserved it.

Maybe he deserved it.

- Wait, what?

You're not supposed to say that.

Are you on Raya?

- Uh...

- Uh...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, babe!

Don't get all psycho.

- Have fun with Candace,
shithead.

She's, like, 18

She's, like, 18

and is gonna leave your ass for an MMA fighter.

Oh, and by the way,
I got that job,

and it pays great,

so when I move back to LA without you,

so when I move back to LA without you,

I'm not gonna have to live in a rickety-ass shack.

Bye, Brooklyn!

- So her name's Claire,
and she's a doctor.

- So her name's Claire,
and she's a doctor.

- Ooh!
- Ooh, Claire!

- Dr. Claire.

- It's only been our first sesh,

but I gotta tell you guys,
Talkspace nailed it.

but I gotta tell you guys,
Talkspace nailed it.

She, uh, said I have some pretty severe issues

and I'm pretty mentally disturbed,

so...she gets me.

so...she gets me.

- Wow.

Look at you,
working on yourself.

- Thank you.
- Where can I find a guy like--

that does that?

that does that?

- Listen, it takes time.

The dudes will come.

Listen, my dude went a little cuckoo last night,

but I'm not worried.
Okay, watch this.

Hey, Joey Fatone,
send me a dick pic.

Hey, Joey Fatone,
send me a dick pic.

- Mm.

- Ooh, instantaneous.

Ooh!
- And huge.

- Oh, yes.
- Can I see?

Can I see? Can I see?

Can I see? Can I see?

- God did spend a little more time on him.

Ooh!
- Oh, my God.

all: Hey!

- Which house do you wanna go to next?

- That one!
- Yes!

- That one!
- Yes!

- Trick or treat!

- Oh, hey.
- Here you go.

- Oh, hey.
- Here you go.

- Thanks.
- Wait.

Is that...
- Wow.

A full-size candy bar.

I knew this place was cool.

I knew this place was cool.

- Hon.
- Yeah.

Hey.

- Are those randoms,
or do we know them?

- Are those randoms,
or do we know them?

- I don't know.

Oh, they were out of blood,
so I just got us red.

- Good idea.

- I gotta get more candy.

- Well, go get it, girl!

- Well, go get it, girl!

- Okay, I'm off.
Wish me luck.

- You don't need luck.

I rubbed my romance stone before I left.

- Oh, no, is that--
- Yes, that is what

I call my vagina.
- Yeah, no, I figured.

I call my vagina.
- Yeah, no, I figured.

- Yeah.
- Well, thanks, Mikayla.

Your sister's about to get Fischbeined!

- Nice.

- Ew.
- Ew!

- Happy Halloween, Fischbein!

- Erica?

Erica Greenspan.

Oh, my God.

This is--this is so crazy.

This is--this is so crazy.

- I'm sure it is.

- No, I--I mean,

we were literally just talking about you.

- We?

- We?

- Guys,

you will never believe who's here.

- Wow, what's up?

- Yeah, the Fischtank's hanging out

- Yeah, the Fischtank's hanging out

for the first time in ages.

Marcus, AJ,
and you remember Paul Dudley.

- Oh, yeah--

- There it is.
- Greetings, wifey.

- There it is.
- Greetings, wifey.

- What did you just call me?

- Uh, this is so lame.

- Paul downloaded this game on my phone.

We've been fucking around with it.

Apparently, you two are gonna get hitched.

Apparently, you two are gonna get hitched.

- What game?

- Yeah, he's gonna be the president,

and you're gonna be the first lady.

Hope the White House has room for octuplets.

Hope the White House has room for octuplets.

- Never pulling out.

- # Let's kill tonight #

- # Let's kill tonight #

# Kill tonight #

- # Show them all you're not the ordinary type #

# Let's kill tonight #

# Let's kill tonight #

# Kill tonight #

# Show them all you're not the ordinary type #

# Show them all you're not the ordinary type #

# Let's kill tonight #

# Let's kill tonight #