All language subtitles for American Princess (2019) E 04

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com

Previously on "American Princess"...

We like our peripheral
employees to stay consistent

with proper Elizabethan
as best they can.

Huzzah for the tipper.

We'll work on it.

Miss you, bitch.

- How's rehab?
- Lexi, she's not in rehab.

- That's just what we're saying.
- It's not Amanda's fault that

- that hooker bit off her own tongue.
- It might be.

I know you think I'm here
to stab you to death,

but the truth is,
Amanda, we're square.

My mom paid you off.

Now I can travel
the circuit in a tour bus.

Huzzah for the tipper!

- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!

♪ Huzzah for the tipper ♪

It needs work.

Blanchett, Cate Blanchett. No.

Cate Blanchett.

Pray thee. Pray... Pray thee.

Pray thee.

Pray thee tell.

Oh.

Huzzah for the titties.

- Oh!
- Good morrow, dear cuz!

Whoo! Oh, whoa. What's that?

This is for Cyril.

Cyril, I made you a scoby-thingy,

and the kombucha is turning out great.

I'd like to think it's because
I fermented it in the sun

and not in horse shit.

- Thanks?
- You're welcome.

And this is pineapple juice,
for your cough.

I know it was a little
better last night,

but the natural bromelain in it
will nip it in the bud, I swear.

You've totally embraced
the spirit of faire-mily!

But I don't have a cough.

Yes, you do.

You were up the last two nights.

That was Lil Boy.

Wh
-What?

This little boy slept
in our room last night?

- Where else would he sleep?
- With his parents?

I'm his parents!

- You have a kid?
- You knew about him.

I really truly very much did not.

Really?

Well, this is Lil Boy.

Yes, I can see
that he's a little boy.

No, that's his name. Lil Boy.

Until he's old enough
to choose his own name.

- Fartbox!
- Okay, not old enough yet.

Why don't you check
the fridge for Mommy?

This isn't quite cold enough.

He's been sleeping in
our room this whole time?

Sometimes. Lulu home-schools
the faire brats,

so a lot of times,
he crashes with her kids.

Wait, hive parenting.

I read about this
in Vanity Fair, I think.

Or a Buzzfeed listicle.

One of the gasket
retainer screws is loose.

I need Lee's Allen wrench.

- Okay.
- He does seem skilled.

Certainly better here with me

than back home with my crazy parents.

Your parents are strict, too, huh?

My mom made me take French and Mandarin.

Merci for nothing, Chairman Mao.

Evangelical Christians.

I wasn't even allowed to read
"The Giving Tree"

when I was a kid, because
"If it can give you an apple,

it can touch you
in your bathing suit area."

Wow.

Yeah, this is a much better
place for him. And you.

And all of us!

- Boobs look great.
- Thanks, babe.

It'll hold like this for a bit,

but the gasket needs to be replaced.

Will do. Thanks, kiddo.

All right. Three Wet-Naps,
two matchbooks,

and some toothpicks.

Pleasure doing business with you.

- You, too, Fartbox.
- Unh-unh. Not Fartbox.

Good advice, man.

Adding more plant-based
proteins to my diet.

And I'll keep in mind
the spirit of the turkey.

You coming around, baby.

Ah. The showers are all taken?

Yep.

Hey!

Same body wash.

Got to love that Mountain Mist.

Great minds.

Then again, we do differ in our choices

of toothpaste flavor.

What kind of person uses wintergreen?

What can I say?
I'm a wintergreen guy.

Well, I also heard that wintergreen

was the flavor...

used by Hitler.

Good morrow, Your Majesty.

You're late.

You missed the Stanislavski warm-up.

Jumping right into mirror.

Thank you, mirror.

Apologies for being late, but I just had

a rather awkward incident.

I ran into Juan Andrés,

you know, the man I sort of like,

in the restroom.

We were in line for the showers.

I, you know, thought
I'd strike up a conversation,

but it went poorly.

Five, six, seven, eight.

I made a very bad joke... about Hitler.

- Zip.
- Zap.

- Zop.
- Zip.

- Zap.
- Zop.

I'm sure it was fine.

And lift.

- And scene.
- And scene.

How do I show
him that I like him?

Invite him over for a Hefeweizen

and a light chapter of "Mein Kampf."

Really, Maggie,
I need your help.

Oh, good God, you're obsessed.

What's his profession? Janitor?

He sells handmade wares.

Then show an interest
in his art or something.

What time is it, anyway?

I need to Nair my widow's
peak before breakfast.

I'm starting to look like Count Chocula.

All right, everybody, listen up.

We got a couple things on the agenda.

There will be no more 25% employee
discount on meals purchased

- on the grounds during Faire Days.
- What?

- Lee!
- What?

Ticket sales dropped opening weekend.

We got to pick up the slack.

So eat less, and it won't affect you.

I can survive on a cup
of raw spinach a day.

Okay, moving on.
Uh, the Queen's Royal Tea

will now become
the Queen's Royal Pub Crawl.

- Oh!
- Profit margins are higher with booze.

And, uh, Callie,
no more nip slips at the joust.

We had some complaints from the parents.

Actually, no, just the moms.
The dads were fine with it.

Free the nipple!

Nips!

No more moms!

All right, let's take
this energy outside

and show these people
what the faire is about.

Now, how about three
cheers for the faire?

- Hip hip...
- Huzzah.

- Hip hip...
- Huzzah.

- Hip hip...
- Huzzah!

Come on, guys! Let's do it!

- Come on, come on, get up.
- Yeah!

- All right, everybody.
- Let's go, freaks!

All right, everybody,

let's go out there and make some money!

Oh, God.

- Yes, Maggie?
- The Queen's Tea is a tradition.

I've led it every Faire
Day here since taking on

- the role of Elizabeth.
- Uh-huh.

The little girls sit and
converse with the Queen.

It is vital to show them how
upper-class women behave.

I'm sorry, but we got to pick
up cash wherever we can find it.

I will not besmirch the
legacy of the great Queen

simply to put a couple of
extra shekels in your pocket.

I figured you'd say that,
so I am prepared.

"It is said that Elizabeth I

drank at least two pints
of ale every day.

In 1593, the royal
household went through

approximately 600,000 gallons of ale,"

signed the Internet.

The Queen drank beer, yes,

but in the refined company
of her ladies-in-waiting.

She never rubbed elbows with
drunken bachelor parties,

nor hairy men in ironic t-shirts.

Your ladies-in-waiting
will be there with you,

so it will be completely
historically accurate.

Just think of it like
a royal girls' night out.

I don't believe in girlfriends.

Bitches be haters.

All done?

Why, thank thee, fine sir.

I should get a dress like that, right?

Your pitcher, m'lords.

Thank you, m'lady.
A tip for you.

Just the tip?

Frankly, sir, I'd prefer the whole hog.

Oh!

- Hey, Amanda.
- No more free beer, Friar.

- Lee would have my head.
- I'm not here for the booze.

Ophelia, the empty kegs got to move.

On it. Friar!

- Listen, can you do me a favor?
- Is it sexual?

Because geriatric alcoholics
aren't really my type.

No, no, no, what? Listen,

Natasha usually does my show

at 4:00, but she... she got
a ribbon burn on the May pole,

and now she needs to ice her palms.

- So can you fill in?
- Okay, okay, fine, I'll do it.

- Oh, thank you. Thank you.
- If you move, please.

All right. Thanks.

Oh, nice muscles.

Duh. I'm in wedding shape,
which is scientifically proven

to be the hottest moment
of any woman's life.

SoulCycle and kettle bells.
Plus, I cut out grains.

Such a city lady.

- Hey!
- Uh, you are.

It's okay, but you are.

Hmm. Well, could a city lady do this?

I can smell your French
disease from here.

Back across the channel

- with you, pagans!
- Hey! Oh, fie, Puritan!

Go jack your beanstalk
onto a communion wafer.

It'll release some frustration.

You know, the high fives were
a little bit anachronistic,

but, I mean, you're getting there.

You'll blend in, eventually.

I'm blending in just fine.

All done? Aye.

Patrons, pay attention,
for this man has given me

what every woman desires... Multiples!

Huzzah for the tipper!

- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!

No. Way.

Ugh.

- Ew.
- Ew.

Ew.

Oh, my God.

- Hi!
- Hi!

Wow.

- You guys!
- This.

What are you doing here?

- We came to check on you, babe.
- I mean, did you think

we forgot about you?

Oh, kind of.

- No.
- You guys!

Uh, c-come sit down?

- Yeah. Let's go.
- Okay.

Two secs, you guys.
I am dying to catch up.

Yeah. Okay.

What in the dorky hell
has gotten into her?

It's like she's been
kidnapped by those drum circle

mole people in Union Square.

- Uh-huh.
- Those titties, though.

Yes, girl, those titties.

Lexi, can you actually
stop calling me "girl"?

It's starting to feel minimizing.

Oh, my God. I would never,
ever want you to feel that.

- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay. It's okay.

I'm mean, I'm just really grateful

that I could share my truth with you.

- Love you, bitch.
- Love you, too, bitch. Mwah.

- Sangria. On me.
- Ooh. Thanks, sweetie.

So, is this, like, your jobjob, or...?

I mean, it's part of it.

Basically, we're all sort of performers

in a larger production.

We all live communally,
so it's kind of like a kibbutz.

It seems more like Rajneeshpuram.

- Yeah.
- Ma Anand Sheela

- is a feminist icon.
- Tea.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Yes!
- Cheers.

Oh, no.

So, what's news with you guys?

Um, well, Nick hit 10k on Instagram.

And Rachel Zoe retweeted me.

Yeah, and Lexi's on
a new antidepressant.

So, and then, with me, you know,
work is work, same thing.

80 hours a week,
Postmates for every meal,

totally worth it.

- That's amazing, you guys.
- Yeah.

God, you look so cute,
by the way, Amanda.

I mean, you are really serving,
like, pure Coachella realness.

- Yeah, you do.
- Honestly, you guys,

I feel amazing.

Wow.

It's just such a shock seeing you here.

Faire virgins. I hope your first time
doesn't hurt too much.

Hon, look, we're not here to judge.

I mean, with everything
you've been through,

it makes sense that you would run off

and do something... different,

um, as you recover from the stress.

- And humiliation.
- Yeah.

And we're also here to check

that you aren't totally mentally ill.

Lexi, that was car talk.

- We told you.
- Like four times.

Sorry. It's the new meds.

Oh, my God.

Tankards and flagons and jugs for sale.

You won't find a better
pair of jugs, milady.

And make sure you tell your friends.

Fill it to the top with mead,

and you'll need a carriage ride home!

Well met, Juan Andrés.

Uh, hi.

Come, get your flagons!

My, what beautiful wares.

What are these made of?

Cow horns.

Makes sense. Aah.

Flagons, tankards, milady.

Oh! And pray tell,

what about this, uh, gorgeous

suede-like canteen?

Suede.

Suede?

Suede.

- Milady.
- Milord.

Tankards and flagons and jugs for sale!

Oh, this... Now, this is so lovely.

I can imagine pouring myself
a Montepulciano, or...

some other Old World
red in one of these.

Are you, mayhaps, also a wine-drink...

Oh.

Oh, fie.

I
-I
-I am so sorry.

I
-I will pay for all of these.

It's okay. I make these myself,

so it's just lost time.

You make all these
ceramic mugs yourself?

Out of...

Clay.

Clay.

Welcome, my countrymen,

to the Queen's... Pub Crawl.

As you toast the monarchy,
you may approach

and ask any questions you'd like

about our daily lives in the court.

Is it true you guys,
like, never took showers?

Did the Queen have
to poop in a bucket?

Please, let us keep the questions

related to our courtly life.

For instance, can you guess
how many ladies-in-waiting

I did host in my time as queen?

- 69!
- 69!

Ah, hear ye, hear ye.

Uh, the Queen commands that
whomever can consume their beer

with the most haste shall
be made lady-in-waiting

- for the day.
- Wow.

And you can be a guy.

Or however you may identify.

Yes, what a civilized idea.

On my count, drink.

One, two, three.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

- Oh!
- Whoo-hoo!

I suppose I must declare a tie

between these two, um, spirited wenches.

- Um, please, join my court.
- Yes!

- Sweet!
- And as our first duty

on the Queen's court, we're doing shots.

No, no, no, I shan't.

Chug it, your horniness.

- Chug it, your horniness.
- Chug it, your horniness.

Chug it, your horniness.

The Queen drank.
And shots cost extra.

Come on. What would Daniel Day
-Lewis do?

He'd retire.

- Chug it, your horniness!
- Chug it, your horniness!

- Chug it, your horniness!
- Chug it, your horniness!

I shall get some more.

I feel like this
is my new summer drink.

- Morgan.
- It's honestly, like, disgusting.

- Oh, my God.
- It's di... Uh...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Okay, who are those shiny people?

They're my friends from home.

Oh, my gosh! Fun! I'll go
spray 'em with bubble water.

No!

They're not those kind of people.

- I'm actually really nervous?
- How come?

It's the whole mixing-worlds thing.

You know when you
introduce your yoga friends

to your Pilates friends,

and the vibe is just super different?

I need for them to like it.

Oh, they're like you were
three weeks ago...

A newborn baby possum,
blind and small-headed.

But then you grew up
to be a warm, smushy,

sighted woodland creature.

This pertains how?

Show them the faire through your eyes.

Then they'll be sold.

I vote more alcohol.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Good idea.

Yeah.

I feel like we've been
here for 500 hours.

- More sangria?
- Yes, please.

- Yes, Mom.
- Fun, right?

I mean, yeah, if by "fun,"
you mean super offensive.

- Thank you.
- What is with all

the horny nerd humor?
It's like, I feel like

the only girl in, like,
a Fortnite chat room.

Oh, come on. It's 1585.

Things were different back then.

Um, well, but it's not back then.

It's now pretending to be back then.

Actually, it's a super
empowering place for women.

It's super inclusive and
non-judgey and body positive.

- Like the Trevor Project.
- No.

Fine wenches,

you all look delicious.

I wish I could give each of
you a long, steady ride

on my horse.

- A rose, milady?
- From you? God, no.

I'd literally rather get a
rose from Arie Luyendyk...

The most hated Bachelor of all time.

- But you should take...
- I'll take a flower, sir.

Oh!

Ugh.

Meet me at the
joust at 2:00 and 30.

I'll ride for thine honor.

It's so hot.

Lexi, what just happened to me?

Amanda, you were just assaulted.

Totally.

I feel triggered.

I'm fine. Like I said,

things are different here.

There's a familiar vibe
between performers.

He just made out with your neck.
Do you even know him?

Yeah, I've seen him around.
He's like a jouster.

Like from "A Knight's Tale"?

- Heath Ledger was my sexual awakening.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. Me, too.
- Hashtag "MeToo."

Stop it! That is not a joke!

Ow.

Amanda, this is your workplace, okay?

You need to stand up for consent.

Okay, okay, fine,
but can we just take a beat

and appreciate this faire?

It's super fun, I swear.

Hmm.

There's shopping!

- Yes!
- Okay. Grab my drink.

Okay, can you put it up?

- Like here?
- 'Cause that's not a good angle.

- Yeah.
- Like that?

Huzzah!

I'm sorry to be, like, that person,

but do they have anything
that's paleo here?

Cucumber mint water?

What about turkey legs?

Yes, bitch. Pure lean protein.
Thank you.

Who's a city lady?

Take dead aim!

Try your luck.

- I see you, Legolas!
- Whew.

Orlando Bloom wishes
he looked this good.

Tankards and flagons!
Show me your jugs,

- and I'll show you mine.
- Seriously?

Would it hurt you to trynot
to commodify women's bodies?

It's fine.

- Yes!
- You. Guys.

- This...
- Mean.

- Much.
- It's you. Literally you.

Do you guys take AmEx black?

You bet your ass they do.

- Who was that?
- No one.

No one.

- Wait, wait, you have to try this on.
- Yes.

This faire is full of debauchery
and disgusting behavior!

Oh, my God. Thank you. Yes.

The wanton whores should
be drawn and quartered,

lest they corrupt young men

- seeking virgin wives.
- Oh, wait.

No. Women are... are not property.

- You're missing it. You're...
- A woman's value

lies in her maidenhead.

Disgusting!

Ooh, aye! Here's a
bunch of filthy peasants!

Aye! Come back to the washer
wench show at 3:00 and 30,

where getting clean never felt so dirty.

I'm sorry.

Did you guys just call yourselves
"washer wenches"?

A wench be a working girl.

- Aye, aye.
- Okay, but don't you think

you could have come up with,
like, a more woke name

- than that?
- More woke?

"Woke" being a culturally black term

recently appropriated
by mainstream America?

Just want to make sure I'm
hearing you correctly... Becky.

Uh...

Hello? Oh, yeah.

I'm so sorry about her
and her Becky-ism.

Nay, nay, good mistress Ophelia!

Have thee a pleasant day!

- Mm!
- Aye.

Oh, actually, actually,

I did sleep with many
men out of wedlock.

Lord Chancellor Christopher Hatton,

the second Earl of Essex
Robert Devereux,

Sir Walter Raleigh.

Oh, you are such a whore, you!

You...

Cheers to the Queen
and her breast friends!

Oh.

I suppose you are my best lady friends.

Barkeep, can I have another, please?

And one for my dear friend...

Who are you?

- I'm Alicia.
- Mm?

We've worked together for three summers.

Alicia, you must tell me
everything about yourself.

Are you, as I suspect,
from a troubled home?

You have such sad eyes.

♪ What do you do with
a drunken sailor? ♪

♪ What do you do with
a drunken sailor? ♪

♪ What do you do with a drunken
sailor earlye in the mornin'? ♪

Oh. Mug him in the subway
and take his Guccis!

♪ Mug him in the subway
and take his Guccis ♪

♪ Mug him in the subway
and take his Guccis ♪

♪ Mug him in the subway
and take his Guccis ♪

♪ Earlye in the morning ♪

I have one!

Aw, man, I forgot.

♪ Aw, man, she forgot,
aw, man, she forgot ♪

♪ Aw, man, she forgot
earlye in the mornin' ♪

I mean, look, I'm...
I'll say it... issa bop.

Amanda, Amanda, look,
there's your assaulter.

Oh, Morgan, he didn't assault me.

Oh, really? So you're just
not gonna confront him

about his toxic behavior?

Okay, no, yeah, no.
I just, you know...

I thought you were a feminist, Amanda.

Hey. Um, sir, uh, Jouster.

- Hi. Um, so...
- Hi.

I think that we need to define
some workplace boundaries.

When you kissed me earlier,
I have to acknowledge

that it wasn't something that
I technically consented to.

Uh, I didn't tell you to stop,

but I didn't joyfully consent.

Not that I'm saying you're
the Cat Person

from that New Yorkerpiece.
You are so not the Cat Person.

- I'm actually attracted to you.
- Nice.

- Not that that's relevant.
- It's not.

Anyway... I hope that makes sense.

Do you need any clarification?

No. I don't have any allergies.

Listen, I got to go brush my horse.

But we should hook up sometime.

Amanda. Amanda.

- Huh?
- Hi.

- Oh.
- Me? Yeah. I'm genuinely worried

about your safety here, okay?

This is like one giant
pussy-grabbing party.

- Morgan, you don't have to worry.
- Okay, but it's not just about

the aggrosexual jouster, all right?

It's this whole culture.

Like, women are objects here.

- Amanda! Amanda, you're up.
- Yes?

- Oh, right, right, right.
- Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Listen, this is an amazing place
for women to feel empowered.

I swear we're not just objects here.

Wench auction!

Gentlemen and not so gentle ladies,

we have some fine wenches to
be auctioned to you today.

And you can pay fair price... or not!

I'll start the bidding.

No. With this lovely woman

in the queer attire.

Bid it up, boys.

Now, can I start this bidding
at one plague rat?

Aye! One plague rat.

10 dead penguins.

A sickly sheep!

10 bales of hay!

I bid my ex-wife!

- That might be it!
- Two yards of wool

- and a young lamb.
- Sold!

To the gentleman with
questionable motives.

Ah, they're made for each other.

Huzzah.

Next up, the faire's
own dirty pub wench,

Ophelia Feelsgood!

- Come on, Ophelia!
- Whoo!

Shut up.

I'm so glad to be
participating in this event,

because I love participating in events

where women support other women.

Show us your tits!

Yo, band nerds, drop a beat.

- What's happening?
- Women supporting women?

Huh? Whoa.

Whoo!

- Oh.
- Yas!

Whoo!

Now, folks, that surely is worth a bid.

I bid a shepherd's pie

and my ax!

Only?

My ovaries.

A grande iced mochachino!

A bucket of dead skin!

Thick stick!

A dozen sheep!

Some of 'em with four legs.

You can do better than that, Pizzle.

And tat for two from Zabar's.

- Ooh.
- Stick.

A castle in France!

Okay, we're done. Come on.

Sold!

Let's go.

You're taking this
too seriously, Morgan.

Oh, really? You were just
mock-sold for sex. Okay?

So, you're welcome, B-T-dubs,
for making it stop.

Obviously, it was just for fun.

Well, what if a bunch
of little girls saw you?

What kind of message are you sending?

Maybe if little girls saw me,

they would see that it
isn't negative to be sexual.

There's a difference
between being sexual

and being sexualized.

Fair maiden, you were
positively fantastic.

We always present this to
our favorite at the auction.

- Uh-oh.
- And you were far and away

the... Drumroll, please...

- Wenchiest Wench!
- Wenchiest Wench!

Oh, no. Oh, wow.

Guys.

Thank you so much.

You're not really gonna wear that thing.

Oh, Morgan, can you just relax?

"Just relax"? Wow.
What a privileged concept.

Yeah, I wish I could just relax,

but unlike your horny,
little fantasy camp,

the real world has consequences
for sexual harassment.

Morgan's in the middle of a
lawsuit against her ex-boss.

Yeah, he groped her. A lot.

Oh, my God. Morgan, I'm... I'm so sorry.

- I had no idea.
- Exactly.

Exactly. You have no idea what
anyone is going through,

yet you're 100% convinced that
all of this objectification

and toxic masculinity
is just for fun, okay?

So, yeah, go win Wenchiest Wench
for the patriarchy.

- Or for losers like them.
- Hey!

What? They are part of the problem.
Everyone here is.

People like them, anyone who comes here,

can say what works and what doesn't.

I'm sorry it's upsetting to you.

And I'm sorry about what
you're going through, truly.

But you can't take it out

on good, kind people like Bo and Jenny,

who are trying to just get
away from the real world

and find someplace where they
feel like they can belong.

So...

If you don't like it here,
then you should just leave.

I don't even know
who you are right now.

God. What the hell am I
gonna tell your mother?

Why do you have to tell her anything?

- Did she send you here?
- It's... She... I...

Would you guys have even
come if she hadn't?

- Yes.
- Of course we would have.

- She lent us her 'Cedes.
- Oh, stop it.

Listen, I... I love you, Amanda.

I do. I really do, okay?

But this?

I can't.

- Hello?
- Okay.

Look, you should totally
bone that jouster.

And if he's good,
just give him my number.

- Mm-hmm.
- He reads bi.

I like dressing slutty.

Love you, Amanda.

Should I text him?
I should text him, right?

Actually, I think it's time to move on.

Oh, how wise. It
is time to move on.

No, it's time for us to move on

to the next stop on the Pub Crawl.

We paid 60 bucks for this.

- Fine.
- Bye.

Fair thee well.

Rest you merry.

Mm...

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

I think you've had enough,
Your Highness. Let's trade.

Ah, Lee.

Lee, Lee.

What is this life, huh?

You and me know the truth, right?

What's that, Maggie?

The truth is that we're all alone.

We'll always be alone.

God is dead.

- Uh...
- Mm?

Maggie...

I love you. Truly.

I've always thought you
were beautiful and dark

and deliciously complicated.

And hearing that you're lonely like me

just makes me love you more.

I think you're the perfect woman.

And you're drunk right now,

so I don't want this to
get all rapey, but...

I wish you were my girlfriend.

Oh!

Is she okay?

Yeah, just very, very drunk.

I have to go
numbers 1, 2, and 3.

- I'll take her from here.
- Yep.

- Do I look pretty?
- Yes, dear.

Would you believe me if I
told you I was in my 30s?

- Yes, dear.
- Do you think Daniel Day-Lewis

wore his Lincoln hat while
he slept and showered?

Yes, dear.

You're my best friend.

Yep.

I know, I know...
I'm drinking again.

But if you would refrain from
mentioning anything about that,

that would be very much appreciated.

Actually, I was going to say
I'm impressed.

Drinking discount cooler beer?

Very un-city-lady of you.

So now you give me credit.

Finally.

Tough day?

My lady friends are a lot.

- Spence or Brearley?
- Spence?

How very dare you?

Brearley. Wait, how did you know that?

Oh, I'm from the city.

Shut up!

- What?!
- You shut up.

Wh
-Where? Where are you from?

Wait, no, let me guess, let me guess,

let me guess. Okay, okay, okay. Mm...

- Lower East Side, artist parents?
- Unh-unh. No.

Upper West Side,

- journalist parents?
- No.

No? Okay. Uh...

Greenpoint, Polish bakers?

- Chelsea, two dads?
- No.

- Where are you from?
- Hey, dude, why didn't you bid on me?

Only one chick dressed
like Shrek bid on me.

- It was humiliating.
- I'm sorry, man.

But I'm sure that you're gonna
make a very handsome couple.

Well...

You r-really hurt me today.

Oh, man, he is a delicate flower.

Your friends are a handful, too.

Ah, he's just showing off.

He likes to prove he has feelings.

- Hey, you want another beer?
- Uh-huh.

The more discount, the better.

I miss you in the hot tub, baby.

Hot tub? Who's got a hot tub?

It's hitched to Helen's bus.

I heard she bought it
off the tour manager

for Country
-Palooza.

Your mom must be hella rich.

Alright, new rule, guys.
You can only soak in the Jacuzzi

if you're butt-ass naked.

- Cool.
- Ohh, about to get so naked.

Indeed. Very cool.

Yeah, that's all on you.
That's you. Okay.

Damn, that's a lot of man titties.

- That's cool.
- Whoo!

Are you farting?

- Wine?
- God, yes.

Can't go wring with a
Willamette Valley Pinot.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm. Ah.

Mmm.

What brings Shakespeare
down to the Groundlings

- without his Royal...
- Do not say hag.

- Not nice.
- I was gonna say therapy dog.

She's passed out.

Got absolutely wasted
on the Pub Crawl today.

Oh, wow. That's...

That's kind of amazing.

She was not very helpful to me today

as a friend.

You okay?

- There's a guy.
- Mm?

Juan Andrés.

And I like him.

Mm. You guys would be great together.

What's the game plan?

- The game plan?
- Yeah, what's next steps?

Well, I made a fool of myself
in front of him twice today,

so I think my next step

is to dig a hole
and go to sleep in it.

Oh, come on. It can't be that bad.

I fear that it really, really was.

Oh.

Then you got to go fix it. Mm?

- Now?
- Yes, now.

We get so caught up
in our own limitations,

how we think we're supposed to be,

how people want us to be,

but this place is teaching
me to live in the now.

You got to be present.

- Be in the now.
- Yeah.

- Yes!
- Yes!

You got to go get him!

- Yes!
- Yes. Go ask him out!

Wow.

Right.

- Okay. Okay.
- Uh-huh.

- Go!
- Wish me luck.

G
-Go get yours, Tiger.

Hi, there.

Hello, Juan Andrés.

I just came by to tell you

that I'm really very sorry about today,

and that the reason I was
acting like such a jackass

is that I, uh...

I'd like to...

be your friend.

Would you maybe like to be my friend

and hang out with me sometime?

I'm watching "Seven Samurai."

Want to join?

Yes.

Sure.

I... Right now?

- Yes. Now.
- Okay. Yeah, I'm... I'm free.

Yeah.

Here you go.

Oh.

Okay.

Such a classic.

Such a classic.

I love classics.

Toshiro Mifune. I like him
even better in "Rashomon."

- Oh, yes.
- Yeah.

Yes.

Actually, I've never seen either.

Are they, uh, good?

So good.

Akira Kurosawa?
You'd dig him.

"Throne of Blood"
owes a ton to "Macbeth,"

and "Ran" is "King Lear," beat for beat.

"King Lear's" my favorite.

I'd do it at the faire,
but it's not exactly a crowd pleaser.

- Mm.
- If I had a nickel

for every time I had to perform,

"But soft, what light through
yonder window breaks?"

"Romeo, Romeo, wherefore
art thou Romeo?"

Of course, they all think that means,

"Where are you, Romeo?"
when it really means...

- Why are you Romeo?
- Why are you Romeo?

Brian?

Yes?

I was so nervous around you today.

I was nervous around you.

Every time I saw you,
I got all weird and quiet.

I didn't know what to say.

Uh, I made a joke about Hitler.

I mean, you kind of
actually called me Hitler.

Well, I'm really happy
that we're friends now.

I have enough friends.

- Hey.
- Hey.

That's right.

So, I'm gonna go?

Whatever. No pressure.

Yeah.

No pressure.

Living in the now.

Hey, Ananda?

It's Amanda.

Nice fucking.

Yeah. Nice fucking.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Mom, I know what you did.

How could you send my friends?

Seriously? Nice one.

Amanda, it's Erin.

Mom O.D.'d.
Get your ass home.