All language subtitles for American Princess (2019) E 03

Previously on "American Princess"...

And you can shred your Black Card.

- Mom's cutting you off.
- You know what?

You can tell Mom to keep
her emotional blood money.

- I'm getting a job here.
- You're what?

You're hired.

Huzzah for the tipper!

Look, I'm beyond sorry
that what I did upset you.

Are you on our honeymoon?

Oh, my God. Amanda.
You guys, it's Amanda.

Oh. Hi!

I just spoke to Brett.

- How's rehab?
- Lexi, she's not in rehab.

- That's just what we're saying.
- I know this is a weird time,

but are you reimbursing us
for the bridesmaid dresses?

What? No.

How can you have
known me for one day

and be nicer to me than the people

who were supposed to be in my wedding?

The man who broke your heart
was back to rub your nose in it,

publicly?

He's such a dick. Always was.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com

Morning.

Ew.

Huh?

Oh.

Hi.

Uh, excuse me.

Do you think I could
maybe borrow some shampoo?

Ooh! Excuse me.

Hey. Are you okay?

- It sounded like you were...
- Upset?

Yes. I saw a spider,

but it was washed down the
drain before I could rescue it.

Nature is a bitch.

Well, maybe when the sun comes up,

it'll climb up the spout again.

You're not supposed to be in here.

I thought this was a communal shower,
like at Camp Mischpocheh.

This is my private shower time.

You can reserve private shower time?

- Where's the sign-up sheet?
- There is no sign-up sheet.

There is seniority and time
spent and a position earned.

- But I-I guessed...
- Out.

So, she's the queen
of the bathroom, too?

She's the queen of everything.

Well, she sure ain't
the queen of waxing salon.

I just can't shake the
visual of her hair-ea.

I'm not saying everyone
should get a Brazil,

but they should at least
get out of Romania.

I once let my armpit hair grow
out to see if I could braid it.

Could you?

I couldn't. It kept curling up.

- So, Maggie was mad?
- She wasn't happy.

- Oh. That's not good.
- Why not?

Because. Maggie's approval
means everything.

It means better shower time.
It means more beer tickets.

Oh, and if she really likes you,

she'll let you take a nap on
the sheepskin rug in her tent.

Honeysuckle.
Oats and grapefruit gobblers.

Oh, Fairemily breakfast.

Oh!

Sorry. So sorry.

Stick.

Oh, hey, Sugar Shack.

- Hey.
- Omelets. Awesome.

Are there onions?

And I'll have whatever
cheese you've got, but light.

Too much dairy is...
Well, you get it.

Yep. I got it.

Oh, leave that flame so I get it.

We cook for ourselves with the
food we buy ourselves, princess.

That's "pub wench" to you.

What, you only know
how to make reservations?

- Rude and vaguely anti-Semitic.
- How about this?

I will make a double-sized
cheddar-and-ham for myself,

and I'll give you half on credit.

Thank you. No ham in mine, though,

unless you can assure me that
the meat is sustainably farm...

- Ham is fine.
- Mm-hmm.

And I'm guessing that there
aren't any egg whites?

Got it, no. Cool. It's co... It's cool.

Oh! Look at you all dressed in clothes.

Amanda said you were
crying this morning.

When I get sad,
I think about fish.

Don't focus on the plastic they eat.

Think about their adorable faces.

- Ugh. I'm off to Faire workshop.
- You're going to that, too?

- Great. I was gonna maybe stop by.
- Ugh.

Uh, FYI... Maggie teaches the workshop,

- and it's mandatory for newbs.
- Even for pub wenches?

We mainly just pour beer and jiggle.

We like our peripheral
employees to stay consistent

with proper Elizabethan dialect,

syntax, behavior as best they can.

- Peripheral?
- Superfluous, extraneous, nonessential.

- I know what peripheral means.
- Well, you should shine, then.

Do you sleep in that?

Whoa, all garbed up?

I thought you were
going to a radio station.

- Thanks.
- I am. To be on the radio.

I am representing the Faire
as William Shakespeare.

It's fun for the disc jockeys.

Well, I love the school spirit.

You go knock 'em dead, son. I shall.

- You going to Maggie's workshop?
- Can't.

Me and Shart are gonna paper
the town with Ren Faire fliers,

you know, drum up the locals?

Radio gigs and fliers... really
leaning into this Dark Ages

- branding in every way.
- You know, the Dark Ages

was actually a few
hundred years before the...

- The Renaissance. I know.
- Mm-hmm.

I was being nonliteral.

I'll be on the air in 47 minutes...

in case you want
to hear how it's done.

Shakespeare wore a smartwatch?

Eh, man was fastidious about
his 10,000 steps a day.

I do.

I do.

Thou dost.

Thou dost.

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

Now, I couldn't help but
overhear multiple examples

of dropped Elizabethan
phrasing last weekend.

Whether you are serving
food or fitting corsets,

you are part of one cohesive
show here, people... our show.

- For instance...
- Hey, Natasha...

It is not a smartphone,
it is a tiny, portable...

- Did I miss anything?
- No.

Just Elizabeth telling us
we suck at Elizabethan.

Good day, mistress.
How gracious of thee to join us.

Sorry. There was a crazy
line for the privies.

- And who do I...
- As I was saying,

I've noticed some slacking.

Ow.

- You okay?
- Cramps.

Oh, I'm sure someone
around here has ibuprofen.

- Oh, no, babe. I don't do pills.
- She doesn't do pills.

I'm saying, "Natasha doesn't do pills."

That's right.

It is our responsibility
to live, breathe,

- and speak British history.
- Ooh.

I know a ton about British history

and the East London club scene.

- Awesome.
- As townsfolk of Shropshire,

seeing the Queen Elizabeth in person

would be the greatest
honor you could ever have.

And you must pay

the appropriate respect.

The only person I bow down
to in real life is Beyoncé.

Slay.

We show deference by kneeling,
by bowing, by curtsying.

- Who's first?
- Ooh!

Cardio Barre has me
curtsying like a boss.

Natasha, maker of
the pockets of pork, come forth.

Defer to your queen.

Ow.

Most excellent.

Callie, nurturer of horses.

I mostly brush and ride, but okay.

Lovely.

Very, very lithe.

Juan Andrés, purveyor of fine flagons.

Hail and well met, Your Majesty.

What the fo...

One punch takes out
the both of you. One.

Okay, you. Beguile us.

- Actually, I was thinking...
- Oh, f...

You know how the queen would
literally never cross paths

with a pub wench in an open-air bar

where they serve cocktails like
"Gimlet, Prince of Denmark"?

So how fun would it be if, instead,

one of the queen's guards,

or whatever, fell in love
with the pub wench

and he invited her to serve
the queen at her throne?

Fun, right? Oh, and...

Like a palsied seal.

- Moving on.
- W-Wait. What about my idea?

Let's stick with the scenarios
we already do, all right?

I pass. You lower yourself.

We give our guests
the immersive experience

of a queen and her queendom.

- But...
- Shh. That's enough.

Sit.

Damn, girl. You sassed Beyoncé.

Lord Mason, prostrate thyself.

Did she say "prostate"?

Mason, bow!

Bravo.

And that's how we do it.

Drew sleep out of mine eyes,
blood from my cheeks,

musings into my mind,

and finding little comfort
to relieve them.

Uh-oh. She's out.

I thought it princely
charity to grieve them.

- Ooh!
- Ah!

More cowbell!

Oh, man. Good radio. Well done.

Yeah, that rhymes.

Oh, for all of you who think
you accidentally tuned to NPR,

it's worse than that...
We're talking the Ren Faire.

- Ooh!
- No offense, Mr. Shakespeare, Bill,

if I may, Billy, uh,
but that was boring.

That was really,
really boring. Am I right?

I mean, that was more boring
than a one-woman improv show.

- Excuse me. I did improv.
- Yeah, and then I...

I rescued you from that,
and now you do radio.

Your poem made me dry down thur.

Whoa! No. You did not just go thur.

- Love you, mean it.
- She's my sister.

She's number-four prostitute
in all of Kazakhstan.

Nice.

Um, actually, I-it's not a poem.

It's a scene from "Pericles,
Prince of Tyre,"

who flees Antioch...

Whoo!

Oh!

Ooh, uh, quick question.

On a serious note, does Pericles
have both of his testicl-ees,

or is that a different
"Shakespeare story"?

Great question. Uh...

He has two balls or not two balls?

That is the castration.

I
-I
-I don't believe...

I'm gonna make an offer he can't refuse.

He is killing me today.

Was that "The Godfather"?

- How you hung down there, Willy?
- Ooh.

Yeah, baby.

Uh, I
-I
-I'm sorry. I
-I
-I don't know.

T
-T
-That's actually a good question

because anybody that dresses like that

has got to be pretty confident
in other areas, right?

Ooh. Careful there, Bacon.

You're makin' my tinklebox sizzle.

Oh, snap, Chode.
She said "sizzle."

Oh, Schnapps shots.

Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps,

Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps,
Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps,

- Schnapps.
- It's 9:52 in the morning.

It is somewhere, right?

Stop whining. Stop whining.

Who knew Shakespeare
was so uptight, huh?

Maybe it's his tights.

They're squeezin' on those testicl-ees.

His testi... Are the tights tight?

- On your... On your balls.
- Boo-yah!

Mmm! All right.
Let's take some calls.

No one from nowhere,
you're not on the line.

We've lost all of our listeners.
They're all gone.

♪ Sister, help to trim the sails ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Ah!

I'm okay!

Whoo! Oh, my hero.

It's a hot dog on a stick.

Get it? Stick?

It's a veggie dog.

Meat is murder.

You talk?

- You've heard me talk.
- I've heard you say "stick."

I mean, everyone here
does such amazing things.

What's with the stick shtick?

Oh! Wha?

You should do more of that.

First I must master the stick.

Hey, man. You got any
more of that oregano oil?

When I can't hit the high C,
I know I got a cold coming on.

- Totes.
- Yeah.

Milady.

My debt to you is growing.

Aye, tell me more.

Oh. Mmm. I needed this.

- I mean, I don't needit. It's...
- Mm-hmm.

... just refreshing.

Uh-huh.

Stick can talk.

- You've heard him talk.
- I... But...

Never mind.

Where's Callie?

Oh, she's teaching G
-Spot Awareness

to Shart's wife and a couple other gals.

You're a lucky man.

Yeah, it's 'cause
I never walk under ladders.

Maggie hates me.

No. She just hates all
the things you do and say.

The normal response would
be, "No, she doesn't."

I just don't get it.
People always like me.

I have the most-watched Insta
stories of all my friends.

What?

Uh, you do tend to...
To "No, but" a lot.

This is more of a-a "Yes,
and" kind of place.

No, I don't. But I...

Wait. What?

You're in Maggie's house.

You just gotta take your
shoes off at the door.

Even if they make the outfit?

What, so I'm just supposed
to kiss her ass?

Just play along,
like what we do in the faireground.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Ah, okay. Okay.

- My sweet lady.
- Oh!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love this part.

Do it. Do it. Do it.

Thou art a vision.

Um, okay.

When last I did see thee,

ye were portly and covered in warts...

- and hairs.
- Oh!

And thy stench was... whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Uh...

But now...

... I see thee hast transformed...

into a most beauteous
and wondrous creature.

Thy tresses, thy lips, thy cheeks...

Ye must have paid a great
wizard quite a price

for such a strong spell
of boundless beauty.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Got it.
- Oh, wow.

That was thick.

Ah!

- All right.
- Bravo!

If I said any of that to Maggie,

she'd think I was hitting on her,

and she's not really my type.

I mean, there was this one time

that I kissed my friend Lexi
after prom, but...

Boy, do I want to hear this story,

but let's just focus on this.

Um, what's the first thing
that you think of

when you look at me?

- Your body.
- Your body.

All right. All right. Okay.

- It is.
- All right. Well, uh, let's try that.

- Try your body?
- Yes.

Try to endow my body. Oh.

- Endow it? But... Well, how specific
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

- do I have to be?
- I am waiting.

Okay. Okay. Geez.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Use your hands.

Uh...

Put your whole body into it.

Woo me.

Thy...

Louder!

Wouldst that I were the sun
glistening upon thy back?

- Ah.
- Ooh!

But not for too long because...

melanoma?

It's a strong start.

Okay. All right.

- It's the first go.
- Strong... Strong start.

In sooth? No.

- Oh.
- Boo.

It... It fell off there at the end.

How about Tulum?

There was just a mass murder there,
so it'll be dirt cheap.

Are you scrolling through resort porn

to take your mind off Colin,

or are we actually going on this trip?

Because if we are,
it's Dusseldorf or bust.

Colin has been blocked and deleted.

- Are we elitist?
- Oh, God, yes.

It's one of the
things I love about us.

No. I
-I mean in... an insufferable way.

Blue cheese olive?

One blue cheese
and one regular on the side.

And being elitist isn't a bad thing.

Societies need a pecking order.

Otherwise, we'd peck
each other to death.

Ugh, fools.

Should we go out there?

Why?

Maybe we're missing out.

Have you been using the weighted blanket

I bought you with that podcast code?

- Could be fun.
- Oh, we have fun.

Remember when we drank fuzzy navels

and watched "Call Me By Your Name"?

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

Those idiot deejays today

made me feel like I was back
in a high-school locker room.

"Oh. There's Brian,
the Pillsbury Doughboy."

I liked the testicl-ees joke.

You know, I once got locked overnight

in my high school's equipment shed

after hiding there during P.E.

- I detest sheds.
- It was terrifying.

But I did finish "The Canterbury Tales."

I had a penlight.

Oh, "Canterbury Tales,"

the original "Fifty Shades."

And I have another promo tomorrow.

It's all I can think about.

The original "Fifty Shades."
That's funny.

Ugh. Why didn't you tell me
I had lipstick on my teeth?

I'm going out there.

A poppy seed?

Thy sensational smile doth shine
upon thy heaving bosoms...

- Oh, my....
- just as said bosoms

do sit like clouds for angels' bottoms.

Oh, Pizzle. Oh,
I'm gonna write that down.

Did you mean both bosoms
or just the left one?

I mean, 'cause it's the crowd favorite.

Lefty Louie.

Well done, Master Pizzle.

Oh, light teal... Too risky.

So, what's going on
here with you... guys?

David's teaching me how to be
performatively nice to people.

Yeah. Hey, uh, do me next.

Oh! Thy most bountiful
and glorious belly.

How many weeks before
we may expect little Shart?

- Yeah, third trimester, y'all.
- Oh, my God!

Congratulations.

I can feel him kicking.

Now, what you got for Maggie?

N-Nothing that reminds you of your
high-school girly-girly action.

Ooh.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
What is it? What is it?

No, no, no. I can't say.
It's too embarrassing.

What, like Shart's gut?

Hey! That's my baby
you're talking about!

Just take the embarrassing...
and make it good.

- This can't be made good.
- Come on.

- I'm sure it can.
- Come on. Come on.

Come on. Say it. Say it.

Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it.

I saw her bush!

I'm so proud of you!

That's not what I expected.

And... it... was... huge!

Dude. I like a jungle. I'm Tarzan.

Hear me now, good gentles.

'Twas a lush and glorious bush.

'Twas the most radiant shrubbery...

... I have ever laid eyes upon!

Oh, don't let me interrupt
the merrymaking.

Just need a bit of ice.

Ahh. I'll be up for
a little while longer.

We could make fuzzy navels.

Fuzzy.

Enjoy your evening.

God save the queen.

God save the queen!

God shave the queen.

Oh, no.

Maggie, Delilah,
Amanda together...

In a friendship wreath.

- Uh...
- Means that you really took some time.

- To make this extra great.
- I think Maggie is

- more of a traditionalist.
- Oh. Whatever you think.

I've never "Real Housewived"
the... out of anyone before.

Well, I've never used
fruit cocktail juice

to make mimosas before, so there you go.

Can't believe you're a "Housewives" fan.

It's like when the one
with the pointy nose

offended the super-skinny one

at the charity auction for blind cats,

but then she took her out to brunch,

and everything was great.

I think I'm getting
the hang of this place.

I traded compliments for the muffins

and a hand massage for the eggs.

Oh, grasshopper.
You're learning so well.

- She's coming. It's happening.
- Go, go, go. Go, go, go.

Mimosa?

- Thanks so much for meeting me.
- I didn't meet you.

You're standing in front of my tent.

I love your culottes.

They're not culottes.

They're jorts.
Why are you here?

Actually, jorts are made from denim

- and usually from old jeans.
- Why are you here?

I was hoping maybe we could...

... melt the ice a little over brunch.

Cheers.

Oh, wait. We didn't make
eye contact. It's bad luck.

Let's... Let's do it again.

Cheers.

Okay.

Can we get to the ice-melting?
I have plucking to do.

Delilah tells me you're
one of this Faire's OGs.

OGs?

Original gangster.
That's the actual meaning.

I was going for the figurative
meaning, you know,

founding father,
or mother, in this case.

You are the shot-caller...

Who lives, who dies, who gets exiled.

Oh, we are not in
the habit of exiling... anyone.

I love how you use the royal "we."

It's... It's so authentic,

like so much of this place,
really hands-on.

Granted, sometimes,
those hands are on my ass,

but that's part of
the authenticity, right?

I wanted to ask, how do
you decide what's okay?

And as the queen, are you
actually the decision-maker,

like the Great and Powerful Oz?

I think if we put our heads together,

we could really codify
what's appropriate

and what's not, you know?

Right, right.

Let me guess.

Mama Klein was supercritical
of little Amanda.

Uh, she's actually a-a-a Lyons n-now.

- Klein was my father, but then he...
- And judging by your love

of the bottle, she's probably
also an alcoholic.

Nothing is ever right, is it?

Is she still trying to envision
your ears pinned back?

Did she lament the backhand
you never mastered?

My backhand happens to be
very powerful and elegant.

- And for your information, my mother...
- No. I don't really care, sweetie.

Thank you for cleaning this up.

You think you're so
insightful, don't you?

Well, I'll have you know,
my mother is not an alcoholic.

She's a pillhead and only
because they overprescribed her

after she got her eyelids done, so...

Damn it.

Don't you want to change
into your Pizzle clothes

- before we get there?
- Nah, man.

I'll just strip down in the car.

Don't want to get it wrinkled.

Thank you, again,
for coming with me today.

I always work better with
someone to bounce off of.

No prob. I got you.

I've written out some improv for us,

study that.

Um, I thought that...

we'd just stay loose out
there, you know?

Keep Shakespeare from...

What?

... you know... boring people.

Excuse me?

I mean, dude, on the radio, the lady...

said you made her dry.

Like I care about dusty vaginas.

Hey, man. Shakespeare
was for the masses.

Why always go highbrow

when he was also the master
of a dirty joke, right?

Well, we know that,
but most people don't.

Come on. Shakespeare
was a dirty bastard.

Just, like, try going low.

Here. Start with this.

There's got to be E. coli in
the salads at Greasy Buns.

Hmm. Well-seasoned.

Attaboy.

Hey, Robin Hood,
what's that dick pouch for?

It's a codpiece.

Or a pouch.

For dicks.

Funny.

- Happy now?
- I am. Thank you.

Can I open my eyes yet?

- Yes, you can.
- Groceries.

It's like when the one with the lips

took the other one with the
lips shopping to cheer her up.

Now you're speaking my love language.

Come. They have almond oil.
It makes the best lube.

- Hey, there's David.
- Oh!

Watch me eat mud for money.

Ah! Hey-ho, friends.

Good day, gentles.

Allo, sweet lasses.

Hear ye, come forth.

You there,

come forth to
the Royal Renaissance Faire

for Shakespeare and history!

- A little aggro, yes?
- Yeah. We're working on the fun.

- Hmm. Good luck with that.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm really feeling my motivation.

- Yes. Everyone's feeling it.
- You, sir!

You look like you need a sonnet.

It's all local and homemade.

- Hey.
- Hey, Delilah.

- Hey, friend.
- Got those, uh, AA batteries

you're always runnin' low on.

- Yay!
- Excuse me.

Do you have any Kérastase products?

Davines, even
John Paul Mitchell will do.

- For hair.
- Oh. Yeah. Hair stuff's all...

- right over there.
- Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

- Have you ever had peanut brittle?
- No. It sounds disgusting.

It'll break your teeth,
but it'll change your life.

Ooh, coconut oil?

- Lavender? Tea tree oil?
- Mm-hmm.

Mmm!

- Smells like Sally Hershberger.
- Oh!

- Mmm!
- You know your friend's hair smell?

What's mine?

Sunshine and unicorns.

$4.99?

I pay like $40 an ounce
for this kind of stuff.

Aloe, shea butter.

All organic?

Can I, uh, help you with anything?

No.

But I can most definitely help you.

The Royal Renaissance Festival.

Come for the merriment,
stay for the fun.

Hey. Hey, you giving
anything away for free?

Uh, mayhap a soliloquy or a sonnet.

Do you have any stickers? My stepkids
love when I bring stickers home.

Sir William,
hast thou anything in particular

to say about these beautiful women, huh?

Yeah?

Uh, yes.

Yeah, yeah, I see.

Uh, uh, dearest ladies,

some are born great,
some achieve greatness,

and other have greatness
thrust upon them.

Thrust.

Loosen up. Yeah.

Heh. Ha. Of course.

Of course, let's not forget that I,
William Shakespeare,

am also the master of the dirty joke.

- Ohh!
- Risqué.

I don't think they're ready.

- No.
- Here it comes.

Oh?

Oh, that she were an open arse,
and thou a poperin pear.

Hey! Her ass is closed, man.

Ladies, ladies,
forgive my stupid friend.

Forgive us all, for I,
Pizzle Humpsalot,

a grotesque and lowly mud
beggar, do cry your mercy,

for I have forgot to tell thee

how much fun
the Royal Renaissance Festival,

Saturdays and Sundays,

Come one, come all, preferably all.

Gather ye round, for
the Royal Renaissance Mud Shows

work according to the laws of physics.

What goes up...

... must come down.

Ooh! Karma, man.

Oh, you got a little bit right there.

Oh, and there.

Dead serious.

Have you ever tried getting
your products into Barneys?

Barney's Friday Fish Fry.
Yeah, I go every week.

This stuff is dying
on the vine back here.

It really needs to be in
a clear, visible path

facing toward the door.

- Oh, my God, beeswax.
- No, no.

This stuff is multiuse.

Actually, multiuse should
have its own section.

- Miss, please don't.
- And these...

You're mixing messages.

Why have you got bananas
next to cosmetics?

Lady, if I needed someone to tell me

how I'm doing everything wrong,
I'd call my wife.

- Okay. That's a little dramatic.
- All right. Okay.

Hi, yeah, I love you so much,
but I'm reading the room here,

and I'm getting the feeling
that not everybody loves you

- as much as I do, right at this moment.
- Oh, no. No.

Someone has got to tell him

what an eyesore that
Shelly's Jam display is.

Okay, so I can hear you.

And, "A," Shelly's my sister.

So that's actually very hurtful.

"B," she powerlifts,
so if you want to tell her

how you feel about
her display, be my guest.

"C," I am going to,
for the first time ever,

use my right
to refuse service to anyone,

which is you, in this case,
so congrats and goodbye.

Bye-bye.

Who might want a muddy kiss?

Oh!

- Oh!
- Mwah!

If you prick us, do we not bleed?

And if you wrong us,
should we not have...

Mud pie in thy face?

Falling! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Mayhap this be what ye want.

Ah!

Are you not entertained?!

Don't worry. You're the only one
who's never invited back.

I'm good.

Oh!

I was just doing what
Marie Kondo always does...

Clearing clutter and sparking joy.

Sparking joy is good,

but trying to fix things
that aren't broken is...

- Stupid.
- Stupid?

No, honeybee.

But... a distraction maybe

from what really might
need fixing, perhaps.

I could trim those for
you if you want me to.

Oh. Wow.

Maggie was right.

I pick myself and everyone else apart.

I find what's wrong in
almost every situation.

I thrive on negativity. I...

I am my mother.

I have never witnessed such
rapid psychological growth.

It's beautiful...

like a sea monkey.

I'm sorry. I'm emotionally
leaking all over you.

That's okay. Leak away.

I'll happily collect all
your emotional fluids.

Ew.

Ah.

David?

Oh, uh, hey, man.

- I want to apologize.
- No. Y-You don't have to.

Obviously, I had no intention.

I hope you don't think
that I meant to...

I'm so embarrassed.

I
-It's all good, man.

It's really not.

Look, it's just about finding a balance.

Like, fart jokes good,
actual ass explosions, bad.

- Noted.
- Yeah.

I also appreciate your
discretion about this.

No one needs to know.

Dude! I heard you... your pants
at the Country Market.

Oh, God.

Epic, man.

I mean, I never physically hurt anyone,

but my record is clearing
like 500, 600 feet...

- Yeah...
- on my stench-power alone,

so congrats, man.

I beg you to forget about this.

No shame, friend.

The body releases when it must release.

Better an empty apartment
than a bad tenant.

- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Hands in.
- Yeah, dude. Come on.

Hey! Come on, join us.

Yeah. "Fart brothers for life" on three.

One, two, three.

Fart brothers for life!

I'm not there yet.

- I found your bra.
- Oh, great.

Wouldn't it make more
sense to start the parade

inside the fairegrounds?

That way, people have
more time to get a beer.

- You're doing it again.
- I'm doing it again.

See, nothing needs to be fixed.

Really?

Hi. Hello.

- Who left the damn hose on?
- I'll shut it off.

Geez.

Uh, uh...

Your Majesty!

Your Majesty!

Your Majesty!

Your Majesty! Your Majesty!

Uh...

Your Majesty! Your Majesty!

Aah!

Cry your mercy, Your Majesty!
Pass not this way.

T'would be mine honor to be sure

thou dost not muddy thy most regal self.

God save the queen!

God save the queen!

Better.

Oh, my. Show me your jugs,
and I'll show you mine.

Oh, On these fairegrounds,
and it'd be not a crime.

Oh, my, milady.

Care to make a trade?

What are you supposed to be?

A princess?

Nay, good sirs.
I be William Shakespeare.

Dost thou know of any
of mine great writings?

I want to fight. En garde!

I'm gonna stab you in the butt.

Pardon me, gentlemen.

Words are but wind, ay,

and break it in your face
so he break it not behind.

Pbht!

Aah!

Oh, I'm sorry.
Were you asleep?

Yes, very asleep.

Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda.

Sounds funny when you say it
over and over again, doesn't it?

My name, too.

Helen, Helen, Helen.

Oh, my God. The real live hooker.

Not a hooker.

I know you think I'm here
to stab you to death,

but the truth is,
Amanda, we're square.

We are?

I may have lost
the tip of my tongue,

but you lost your fiancé, your wedding,

your whole life if
what I hear is true,

about you becoming a pub wench.

Uh, how do you know all of this?

Mama Klein and I came to a
very lucrative agreement.

Oh. Uh-huh.

I get it.

- My mom paid you off.
- Uh-huh.

So, what, you came here to scare me

before you move to South
America or something?

South America?
Ever heard of Zika? Nay.

I'm here to reclaim my position

as Lord Executioner
on Her Majesty's court.

Now I can travel the circuit
in a tour bus with a hot tub.

And one more thing.
Brett... small balls, right?

Like, the shaft was good,
but the balls...

like frozen peas.

Little more on the
left, no? Is it even?

Seems a little chilly.

Rad.

Like, rad.

Huzzah.