All language subtitles for 04 Dick Is from Mars, Sally Is from Venus - fiveofseven-eng
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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,738
As many intelligent people know,
aliens are all around us.
2
00:00:04,250 --> 00:00:06,274
This is the story of a band
of four such explorers.
3
00:00:06,893 --> 00:00:10,083
In order to blend in, they
have assumed human form.
4
00:00:10,584 --> 00:00:12,308
This is the high commander.
5
00:00:12,707 --> 00:00:14,979
He has assembled an elite team of experts.
6
00:00:15,425 --> 00:00:16,904
A decorated military officer.
7
00:00:17,594 --> 00:00:19,247
A seasoned intelligent specialist.
8
00:00:19,704 --> 00:00:22,354
and...well, they had an extra seat.
9
00:00:23,593 --> 00:00:25,932
The people of Earth sometimes divide
against each other,
10
00:00:25,967 --> 00:00:28,248
based on national
origin or skin colour.
11
00:00:28,422 --> 00:00:31,297
Of course no-one else in the
Galaxy, can tell them apart.
12
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:39,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
13
00:01:01,167 --> 00:01:02,165
Oh, I've been there
14
00:01:03,281 --> 00:01:05,496
and there,
and I've been there.
15
00:01:06,021 --> 00:01:08,796
Wow! The long, boring
stories you must have.
16
00:01:10,274 --> 00:01:13,168
Well I have another destination
for you, Tommy.... high school.
17
00:01:13,587 --> 00:01:15,700
Why? I finished
my education,
18
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,891
when you were nothing
but a snot-nosed gas ball.
19
00:01:18,843 --> 00:01:21,173
Hey that sounds like a very
dangerous assignment Dick.
20
00:01:21,208 --> 00:01:23,504
Shouldn't I take that on?
- No. We have to try to assume,
21
00:01:23,505 --> 00:01:25,368
the roles of
a regular human family.
22
00:01:25,369 --> 00:01:27,562
Since Tommy's the adolescent,
he'll have to go to school.
23
00:01:27,563 --> 00:01:30,960
And you will explore the
lifestyle of a young adult woman.
24
00:01:30,961 --> 00:01:33,470
And I, as the benevolent
father figure,
25
00:01:33,471 --> 00:01:35,073
will provide the major
source of income,
26
00:01:35,074 --> 00:01:36,388
and give you
cute nicknames.
27
00:01:37,797 --> 00:01:39,348
Dick?
- What is it, kitten?
28
00:01:43,563 --> 00:01:45,257
What's my role
in the family?
29
00:01:45,258 --> 00:01:46,926
Harry, we have been
through this.
30
00:01:46,927 --> 00:01:49,613
You're the brother
who tries hard,
31
00:01:49,614 --> 00:01:51,946
but still doesn't have the
nerve to move out on his own.
32
00:01:51,947 --> 00:01:54,050
But we love your pluck
and determination.
33
00:01:54,051 --> 00:01:55,822
But I can do more.
34
00:01:55,823 --> 00:01:58,828
You see? That's the pluck that we love.
35
00:01:58,829 --> 00:02:02,638
Now, let's just be the
warm human family that we are.
36
00:02:02,639 --> 00:02:04,480
After you.
- Why are you doing that?
37
00:02:04,481 --> 00:02:06,677
Well, I've seen men
do it all the time.
38
00:02:06,678 --> 00:02:08,732
Apparently, women don't know
how to operate doors.
39
00:02:09,982 --> 00:02:11,150
Well, I do.
40
00:02:11,151 --> 00:02:14,905
Oh, Dick, I've thought
of a job for myself.
41
00:02:14,906 --> 00:02:16,541
I can catalog
the dangers,
42
00:02:16,542 --> 00:02:18,372
that surround us
on this planet.
43
00:02:19,324 --> 00:02:21,777
For example, getting
your fingers crushed
44
00:02:21,778 --> 00:02:22,896
in a car door.
45
00:02:24,587 --> 00:02:25,436
Ow.
46
00:02:26,723 --> 00:02:29,362
Ow. Ow.
47
00:02:33,430 --> 00:02:35,014
Why are you listening
to the serpent?
48
00:02:37,426 --> 00:02:38,183
Don't eat the fruit.
49
00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:40,406
Don't eat the fruit !
50
00:02:43,102 --> 00:02:44,379
Women.
51
00:02:46,897 --> 00:02:49,766
Dean Sumner's office called.
You parked in his space.
52
00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:51,100
I know. It's so much
closer than mine.
53
00:02:52,157 --> 00:02:54,733
Move it, lady!
- And your sister's here.
54
00:02:54,734 --> 00:02:57,370
Sally, I thought I left you at home.
- You forgot your shoes.
55
00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:01,710
Hey, what's with
the guy in 114?
56
00:03:01,711 --> 00:03:04,406
Every time I walk by, he
follows me and talks to me.
57
00:03:04,891 --> 00:03:07,438
I think somebody
has an admirer.
58
00:03:07,873 --> 00:03:09,245
Great. Now can we
talk about me?
59
00:03:10,637 --> 00:03:12,629
Sally, are you
seeing anyone now?
60
00:03:13,030 --> 00:03:14,388
I'm looking at you,
aren't I?
61
00:03:15,679 --> 00:03:18,925
For god's sakes, he's
trying to ask you on a date.
62
00:03:18,926 --> 00:03:21,228
A date.
It's a perfect opportunity.
63
00:03:21,229 --> 00:03:22,516
You'll go.
- No, I won't.
64
00:03:22,551 --> 00:03:25,611
Trust me, I know what's best.
Why are you treating me like this?
65
00:03:25,612 --> 00:03:27,325
Like what? - Like this? This?
There! you just did it.
66
00:03:27,326 --> 00:03:28,126
I don't know what I'm doing.
67
00:03:28,190 --> 00:03:29,983
You're acting as if I can't
make decisions for myself.
68
00:03:30,018 --> 00:03:32,969
I am second in command.
One of us has to experience sex,
69
00:03:32,970 --> 00:03:34,277
and I'm getting
nowhere with her.
70
00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:38,918
Well, why didn't
you say so?
71
00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:40,812
If sex is so important,
you and I could do it
72
00:03:40,813 --> 00:03:42,381
right here on the desk,
get it out of the way.
73
00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:45,144
Okay.
74
00:03:46,750 --> 00:03:49,969
I'll leave you clampetts
alone to your banjo lesson.
75
00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:57,935
When beetles fight these
battles in a bottle with their paddles,
76
00:03:57,936 --> 00:03:59,878
and the bottle's in a poodle
and the poodle's eating noodles,
77
00:04:01,464 --> 00:04:02,943
they call this a muddle
puddle tweetle poodle
78
00:04:02,944 --> 00:04:04,428
beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle."
79
00:04:07,684 --> 00:04:08,937
This man is a genius.
80
00:04:11,904 --> 00:04:14,579
Well, if it isn't
our proud little student.
81
00:04:14,580 --> 00:04:15,886
What did you learn
on your first day?
82
00:04:15,887 --> 00:04:17,696
I'm wearing the wrong
kind of sneakers,
83
00:04:17,697 --> 00:04:19,226
and girls
only like seniors.
84
00:04:19,854 --> 00:04:22,529
And, man, you can't
compliment anybody in the shower.
85
00:04:25,343 --> 00:04:27,328
You see, and you thought
you knew everything.
86
00:04:28,128 --> 00:04:30,899
Sally, you're going to
be late for your date!
87
00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:32,881
I just don't know what to wear!
88
00:04:38,035 --> 00:04:38,985
Is this appropriate?.
89
00:04:41,162 --> 00:04:43,054
Come on, men.
What do I even do on a date?
90
00:04:43,055 --> 00:04:45,052
Oh, I've been reading about it.
I'll walk you through it.
91
00:04:45,115 --> 00:04:47,527
Yeah yeah I'll be your date.
- You're not doing anything,
92
00:04:47,528 --> 00:04:49,247
until you've done
your homework, old man.
93
00:04:49,282 --> 00:04:50,967
Oh, so you guys get
to talk about sex,
94
00:04:50,968 --> 00:04:53,345
while I make an Aztec
village out of macaroni?
95
00:04:54,315 --> 00:04:55,375
This is fair.
96
00:04:56,724 --> 00:04:58,492
Okay, Harry,
you're brad,
97
00:04:58,493 --> 00:05:01,147
and the two of you are
at a romantic restaurant.
98
00:05:01,528 --> 00:05:02,323
Here.
99
00:05:04,589 --> 00:05:05,877
Okay, now go ahead.
100
00:05:07,017 --> 00:05:08,004
I don't know
what to do.
101
00:05:09,268 --> 00:05:11,913
Gaze into his eyes
the way Dr. Albright
102
00:05:11,914 --> 00:05:13,283
gazes into mine.
You know...
103
00:05:17,964 --> 00:05:20,184
That's perfect.
Now, break the ice
104
00:05:20,185 --> 00:05:22,224
by telling him something
personal about yourself.
105
00:05:22,225 --> 00:05:24,394
Well, uh, brad...
106
00:05:25,328 --> 00:05:28,727
once every lunar cycle, my
uterine lining sloughs itself, thereby..
107
00:05:28,728 --> 00:05:30,593
whoa, whoa, whoa!
108
00:05:30,594 --> 00:05:31,927
Oh, oh!
109
00:05:37,956 --> 00:05:39,108
That may be too personal.
110
00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:42,044
It does.
One minute, I'm fine..
111
00:05:42,045 --> 00:05:43,789
..and the next, my uterus starts throbbing..
- Hey!
112
00:05:49,910 --> 00:05:51,460
You know, there is something
to be said for keeping..
113
00:05:51,495 --> 00:05:53,245
some mystery
in a relationship.
114
00:05:53,679 --> 00:05:55,205
When do I get to touch
your breasts?
115
00:05:57,563 --> 00:05:58,854
Right before you die.
116
00:06:00,229 --> 00:06:01,208
Fair enough.
117
00:06:02,787 --> 00:06:04,511
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
118
00:06:05,682 --> 00:06:07,518
Rainbows, daisies,
119
00:06:07,519 --> 00:06:10,461
snowflakes,
that girl.
120
00:06:12,650 --> 00:06:14,303
My boys.
121
00:06:18,923 --> 00:06:20,740
She's swallowed
a tiny monkey.
122
00:06:22,283 --> 00:06:25,282
So, lieutenant, give us a
full report on your assignment.
123
00:06:25,283 --> 00:06:28,329
He was wonderful.
He thinks I'm wonderful.
124
00:06:28,330 --> 00:06:30,386
He asked me where
I'd been all his life.
125
00:06:30,387 --> 00:06:32,654
You didn't tell him?
- All the coordinates.
126
00:06:33,228 --> 00:06:35,294
Thank goodness he didn't believe
me, so I didn't have to kill him.
127
00:06:36,494 --> 00:06:39,482
What happened after dinner?
- Well, he wanted to sleep with me.
128
00:06:39,683 --> 00:06:43,030
I wanted sex, but since he was tired
I let him go home.- Damn.
129
00:06:43,031 --> 00:06:44,053
But...
130
00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:47,050
the good news is...
131
00:06:48,771 --> 00:06:50,133
he's gonna call me.
132
00:06:54,251 --> 00:06:56,677
I wish I could meet
a guy like that.
133
00:07:01,772 --> 00:07:04,030
Come on, sport,
I'll drive you to school.
134
00:07:05,661 --> 00:07:07,290
Bite me.
- Bite me, what?
135
00:07:08,133 --> 00:07:09,562
Bite me, daddy.
136
00:07:11,101 --> 00:07:11,923
That's better.
137
00:07:13,226 --> 00:07:14,385
See you tonight,
slugger.
138
00:07:14,905 --> 00:07:17,640
No, you won't 'cause
I'll be out with brad,
139
00:07:18,422 --> 00:07:19,435
having fun.
140
00:07:22,662 --> 00:07:24,266
All right,
good job.
141
00:07:25,605 --> 00:07:27,001
Come on. Let's keep it moving, Solomon.
142
00:07:27,002 --> 00:07:30,002
Climb the rope.
- Yeah. What's at the top of the rope?
143
00:07:30,337 --> 00:07:32,378
Your self-respect is
at the top of the rope.
144
00:07:33,144 --> 00:07:35,357
Run this by me again.
I climb up there,
145
00:07:35,495 --> 00:07:37,183
and then I...?
146
00:07:38,685 --> 00:07:39,840
You climb down!
147
00:07:41,410 --> 00:07:43,968
And this gives me
self-Respect because...?
148
00:07:43,969 --> 00:07:45,762
Okay, look, you don't want
to climb the rope,
149
00:07:45,763 --> 00:07:47,063
you can go sit over
there with the girls.
150
00:07:50,751 --> 00:07:52,532
So, if I don't
climb the rope,
151
00:07:52,803 --> 00:07:54,695
then I sit with the girls.
- That's right.
152
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:57,915
Now help me out here 'cause
I'm not seeing the downside.
153
00:08:06,411 --> 00:08:08,363
Must you make
such a racket?!
154
00:08:12,736 --> 00:08:13,515
Okay,
155
00:08:14,605 --> 00:08:17,167
you've bossed me around
for the last time.
156
00:08:20,604 --> 00:08:22,989
Oh, I'm sorry
I blew up like that.
157
00:08:36,517 --> 00:08:37,158
There he is.
158
00:08:38,802 --> 00:08:39,704
There he is.
159
00:08:40,412 --> 00:08:41,406
There he is.
160
00:08:42,444 --> 00:08:45,247
You know, what goes on
outside this office
161
00:08:45,248 --> 00:08:47,258
is really none of my business.
- There he is.
162
00:08:48,848 --> 00:08:50,724
Just because I set
Sally up with brad
163
00:08:50,725 --> 00:08:53,354
doesn't mean you're under any
obligation to tell me how it went.
164
00:08:53,355 --> 00:08:56,067
There he is.
- I'm not even curious.
165
00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:57,085
Mm-hmm, right there.
166
00:08:58,279 --> 00:09:00,119
Sally's date?
Start talking.
167
00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:03,620
Well, what can I say? In her
own words, it was wonderful.
168
00:09:03,816 --> 00:09:06,517
mm-hmm.
- She overate, and he found her charming.
169
00:09:06,518 --> 00:09:08,759
Mm-hmm.
- In fact, he's going to call her.
170
00:09:09,691 --> 00:09:10,734
Hmmm.
171
00:09:13,121 --> 00:09:14,044
What?
172
00:09:19,150 --> 00:09:20,076
Orange juice.
173
00:09:22,255 --> 00:09:24,163
Ahhh! Nontoxic.
174
00:09:27,474 --> 00:09:28,643
Tabasco.
175
00:09:30,592 --> 00:09:32,732
Ahhh! Also nontoxic.
176
00:09:33,875 --> 00:09:35,794
He said he'd call.
- Yes, I know.
177
00:09:35,795 --> 00:09:37,975
He promised.
He said he'd call.
178
00:09:37,976 --> 00:09:40,010
That changes everything.
- I can take more pain
179
00:09:40,011 --> 00:09:43,076
than the rest of you put together
, but right now I just feel so...
180
00:09:43,335 --> 00:09:44,300
icky.
181
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:47,624
Damn it, Dick, give me
some pain I can define.
182
00:09:47,625 --> 00:09:49,767
I am not going to jam your
hand in the toaster again.
183
00:09:51,506 --> 00:09:53,686
You just can't imagine
what it feels like, Dick.
184
00:09:54,866 --> 00:09:56,136
It's like he reached in,
185
00:09:56,476 --> 00:09:58,691
pulled all the bones
out of my body.
186
00:10:03,979 --> 00:10:05,412
My god!
What are you doing?
187
00:10:08,301 --> 00:10:10,039
Apparently, I'm leaking.
188
00:10:13,106 --> 00:10:14,333
Well, stop it!
189
00:10:18,235 --> 00:10:19,271
All right, commander.
190
00:10:24,619 --> 00:10:25,384
Wine cooler.
191
00:10:26,991 --> 00:10:29,592
Ahhh! I could go
either way.
192
00:10:32,053 --> 00:10:33,364
Lieutenant,
we need to talk.
193
00:10:33,365 --> 00:10:35,210
This is all your fault. I didn't
want to be the woman.
194
00:10:35,211 --> 00:10:36,168
You made me be the woman.
195
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:38,132
You're a decorated veteran.
I thought you could handle it.
196
00:10:38,133 --> 00:10:41,049
Well, I can't.
This is hard.
197
00:10:41,050 --> 00:10:44,900
Please, don't.
No no, Please don't.
198
00:10:44,901 --> 00:10:47,343
It went so great.
Brad said he liked me.
199
00:10:47,344 --> 00:10:49,434
Why won't he phone?
200
00:10:50,844 --> 00:10:51,644
There, there.
201
00:10:54,329 --> 00:10:56,513
Maybe he can't call.
Maybe his phone is out.
202
00:10:56,514 --> 00:10:58,776
Maybe he injured himself
running with scissors
203
00:10:58,777 --> 00:11:00,902
or used a dry cleaning
bag as a toy.
204
00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:03,714
Dick...
205
00:11:04,466 --> 00:11:07,706
I've lost all feeling in
the left side of my body.
206
00:11:09,442 --> 00:11:12,686
Could somebody
please call 1-1-6?
207
00:11:13,050 --> 00:11:14,536
Do not touch
that phone!
208
00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:16,631
Oh, dad!
- Now what is it?
209
00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:19,243
My teachers want to talk
to you about my attitude,
210
00:11:19,244 --> 00:11:20,846
as if I have
an attitude.
211
00:11:21,801 --> 00:11:23,005
This is just perfect.
212
00:11:23,006 --> 00:11:25,920
I try to mold us into a
family that will blend in,
213
00:11:25,921 --> 00:11:27,765
and what do I get?
A surly teenager,
214
00:11:27,766 --> 00:11:30,451
a sister obsessed with a man,
and a brother who drinks too much.
215
00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:32,889
Is there another family in
the whole world like this?
216
00:11:33,290 --> 00:11:34,451
I don't think so.
217
00:11:37,136 --> 00:11:38,566
Frankly, I can't take it anymore.
218
00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:39,866
Me neither I'm outta here.
219
00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:41,590
I have got to find out
what happened to brad.
220
00:11:41,591 --> 00:11:44,180
"Induce vomiting".
There's an idea.
221
00:11:46,765 --> 00:11:48,589
If anybody needs me,
I'll be in the garage...
222
00:11:50,029 --> 00:11:50,988
putting up peg board.
223
00:12:01,204 --> 00:12:02,939
Hello, brad.
- Sally.
224
00:12:04,494 --> 00:12:05,935
I've come to check
your phone.
225
00:12:13,228 --> 00:12:14,755
Sally, please,
calm down.
226
00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:17,533
No, you may not
maim Harry.
227
00:12:18,611 --> 00:12:20,291
I don't know,
find someone on the street.
228
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,371
Trouble at home?
- No. Why would you say that?
229
00:12:26,208 --> 00:12:28,192
He didn't call, did he?
- Not yet.
230
00:12:28,718 --> 00:12:30,013
hmm.
231
00:12:31,479 --> 00:12:34,465
I just wish Sally had some
woman friends to turn to.
232
00:12:34,866 --> 00:12:37,037
Are you asking for my help?
- Are you offering it?
233
00:12:37,038 --> 00:12:39,050
How can I be offering if I
don't know what you're asking?
234
00:12:39,051 --> 00:12:41,715
Why would I ask? I don't need help.
- Then I'm not offering.
235
00:12:41,716 --> 00:12:42,571
Fine with me.
236
00:12:44,112 --> 00:12:45,908
You can't say it,
can you?
237
00:12:47,607 --> 00:12:50,565
Help me!
238
00:12:50,566 --> 00:12:53,189
I don't know what to do. I
can't stand to see her like this.
239
00:12:54,084 --> 00:12:55,630
There, that
wasn't so hard.
240
00:12:55,631 --> 00:12:57,174
Then you'll help?
- No.
241
00:12:57,877 --> 00:12:59,700
Can't you just take her
out tonight and talk to her?
242
00:12:59,701 --> 00:13:02,044
You don't have to go alone.
Nina would be happy to join you.
243
00:13:02,045 --> 00:13:03,120
Ooh, I'm sorry,
244
00:13:03,121 --> 00:13:05,598
tonight's the night I'm
having my eyes gouged out.
245
00:13:06,876 --> 00:13:08,288
Can't you reschedule it?
246
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,066
Put yourself in her position--
you go out on a date,
247
00:13:11,067 --> 00:13:13,801
you have a wonderful time,
various arousing stimuli
248
00:13:13,802 --> 00:13:15,492
fly back and forth
across the table,
249
00:13:15,493 --> 00:13:18,648
and then he doesn't call.
How would you repair yourself?
250
00:13:19,157 --> 00:13:21,376
I'd get good and toasted
and call him filthy names.
251
00:13:21,929 --> 00:13:24,782
Yes, great. Now go and
do that with Sally.
252
00:13:25,206 --> 00:13:26,083
You're buying.
253
00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:27,942
Oh, of course.
254
00:13:29,645 --> 00:13:31,633
Oh, she's way more
upset than that.
255
00:13:37,788 --> 00:13:39,522
Dr. Solomon,
let me be blunt.
256
00:13:39,927 --> 00:13:41,835
Tommy seems to have
a problem with authority.
257
00:13:42,169 --> 00:13:43,822
Only Tommy refused
to climb the rope.
258
00:13:44,060 --> 00:13:45,180
What was at the top
of the rope?
259
00:13:50,979 --> 00:13:53,381
If he were my boy,
I'd warm up his little bottom.
260
00:13:54,991 --> 00:13:57,269
You're the one who didn't want
him sitting with the girls, right?
261
00:14:03,096 --> 00:14:06,065
I think he's just jealous because
I've done so much better than he has.
262
00:14:06,066 --> 00:14:09,429
Dr. Solomon, nobody ever
said being a father is easy.
263
00:14:09,430 --> 00:14:13,234
You're telling me. Some
of you must have children,
264
00:14:13,952 --> 00:14:15,728
as frightening
as that thought is.
265
00:14:17,056 --> 00:14:18,074
What do you do?
266
00:14:18,075 --> 00:14:21,270
You need to set a good
example for your son to live up to.
267
00:14:21,271 --> 00:14:24,206
Since when did my son
become my responsibility?
268
00:14:24,753 --> 00:14:26,911
You're the ones who are
falling down on the job.
269
00:14:26,912 --> 00:14:28,440
You're supposed to
be educating him.
270
00:14:28,778 --> 00:14:31,468
Knowledge is the only chance
this planet has for survival.
271
00:14:31,469 --> 00:14:34,370
One day you're going to have to find
someone to pull your collective butts,
272
00:14:34,371 --> 00:14:36,633
out of the cosmic pliers, and
all you'll have to pick from,
273
00:14:36,634 --> 00:14:38,039
is a bunch
of rope climbers!
274
00:14:38,656 --> 00:14:40,327
Dr. Solomon,
I think you're avoiding
275
00:14:40,328 --> 00:14:43,068
the real problem..
the home environment.
276
00:14:43,069 --> 00:14:44,249
Well, of course
I'm avoiding it.
277
00:14:44,635 --> 00:14:46,085
It's full
of crazy people.
278
00:14:52,107 --> 00:14:55,574
Oh, come on, Sally. I
know you're in a lot of pain,
279
00:14:55,575 --> 00:14:58,117
but holding it in isn't
going to do you any good.
280
00:14:58,271 --> 00:15:01,286
You've got to let it out.
Come on, open up.
281
00:15:09,786 --> 00:15:10,924
That really helped.
282
00:15:11,547 --> 00:15:14,406
This can't be the first bad date you've ever had.
- Well...
283
00:15:14,996 --> 00:15:17,044
a couple of years ago,
a friend set me up,
284
00:15:17,045 --> 00:15:20,441
and my date turned out to be
this giant, slimy yolk sac.
285
00:15:20,442 --> 00:15:22,984
Yeah, I've been there.
- Who hasn't?
286
00:15:23,502 --> 00:15:26,865
I once dated this chemistry
professor, Dr. Abrams.
287
00:15:26,866 --> 00:15:29,045
Oh, god, she's starting
with the A's.
288
00:15:29,249 --> 00:15:32,317
He invited me to portage
lakes for a romantic weekend,
289
00:15:32,318 --> 00:15:34,684
and then just
never showed up.
290
00:15:35,091 --> 00:15:36,774
Did you kill him?
- No, no.
291
00:15:36,775 --> 00:15:39,663
I don't believe in violence.
Violence doesn't do you any good.
292
00:15:40,604 --> 00:15:42,175
However, a gas tank
full of sugar
293
00:15:42,176 --> 00:15:44,098
and a flaming bag
of dog poop will.
294
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:48,218
And you take that orally?
295
00:15:51,666 --> 00:15:53,993
Tommy, your teachers
seem to think
296
00:15:53,994 --> 00:15:56,045
I'm not acting enough
like a father to you.
297
00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:59,097
You're not my father.
- Well, that's true,
298
00:15:59,098 --> 00:16:01,226
but I want to try
to act like one.
299
00:16:02,379 --> 00:16:04,803
Fine. What do fathers
and sons do together?
300
00:16:04,804 --> 00:16:06,843
Oh, they do this.
301
00:16:10,566 --> 00:16:11,709
Yes, I've seen that.
302
00:16:12,951 --> 00:16:13,902
Aw.
303
00:16:18,451 --> 00:16:20,231
Excellent.
We're roughhousing.
304
00:16:20,819 --> 00:16:22,168
Son.
305
00:16:44,603 --> 00:16:46,345
This has taken
a wrong turn somewhere.
306
00:16:47,542 --> 00:16:48,720
I've got a better idea.
307
00:16:49,210 --> 00:16:51,344
We can do what the guy
downstairs does with his son.
308
00:16:52,085 --> 00:16:54,073
They watch Tv for
18 hours straight.
309
00:16:54,074 --> 00:16:57,061
Yes, it's the classic
male-Bonding ritual.
310
00:16:59,103 --> 00:17:01,277
Oh, look,
Monday night football.
311
00:17:01,278 --> 00:17:03,043
all right!
312
00:17:05,176 --> 00:17:06,108
What is it?
313
00:17:07,972 --> 00:17:09,631
Isn't there someplace
where people can just have
314
00:17:09,632 --> 00:17:11,904
meaningless sex
with various partners?
315
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,112
Yes, it's called
the '70s.
316
00:17:16,029 --> 00:17:17,752
Well, how late
is it open?
317
00:17:18,703 --> 00:17:21,041
Hey, check out
the bartender.
318
00:17:22,143 --> 00:17:24,199
Ooh, god's gift
to women.
319
00:17:24,509 --> 00:17:26,127
I hope he kept
the receipt.
320
00:17:32,032 --> 00:17:34,230
Oh, get a load of
321
00:17:34,231 --> 00:17:37,415
the guy in the vest.
- I hope he kept the receipt.
322
00:17:40,823 --> 00:17:43,299
See, Sally, you are
not the problem.
323
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:46,556
Guys are jerks. You're just
never gonna find the perfect man.
324
00:17:46,557 --> 00:17:48,960
Yeah, the perfect man
would have,
325
00:17:48,961 --> 00:17:51,677
Bill Gate's money,
Jimmy Smit's ass.
326
00:17:51,678 --> 00:17:54,953
Liam Neeson's shoulders,
Michael Jordan's thighs,
327
00:17:55,354 --> 00:17:56,474
and we need a brain.
328
00:17:56,475 --> 00:17:57,842
Oh ho, no we don't.
329
00:17:59,428 --> 00:18:02,129
Yeah, you're right,
then he'd think like a man.
330
00:18:02,463 --> 00:18:05,333
See, Sally, there's just no
dealing with the opposite sex.
331
00:18:06,445 --> 00:18:09,994
Yes, yes, the opposite sex.
332
00:18:10,847 --> 00:18:12,216
I didn't do
anything wrong.
333
00:18:12,822 --> 00:18:14,007
It's men.
334
00:18:14,008 --> 00:18:16,771
They're a completely
opposite sex.
335
00:18:17,377 --> 00:18:20,052
They hunt. We gather.
They sweat. We glow.
336
00:18:20,053 --> 00:18:21,636
They shake.
We wipe.
337
00:18:22,975 --> 00:18:25,333
You, your sexual organs
338
00:18:25,334 --> 00:18:27,509
are in total diametric
opposition to mine.
339
00:18:27,510 --> 00:18:30,640
Well, hey, so can I give you
a call sometime or...?
340
00:18:30,641 --> 00:18:33,371
Oh, yeah, I'll be
waiting by the phone.
341
00:18:36,384 --> 00:18:38,561
Have we poisoned her?
- No...
342
00:18:38,562 --> 00:18:40,962
now she's
a buxom, leggy,
343
00:18:40,963 --> 00:18:42,780
pouty-lipped bitch
with attitude.
344
00:18:43,702 --> 00:18:45,940
I think she'll do
just fine.
345
00:18:50,208 --> 00:18:52,287
Hello, brad.
- S-Sally.
346
00:18:56,185 --> 00:18:57,480
I came here to tell you
347
00:18:57,481 --> 00:18:59,954
that I understand
your limitations.
348
00:19:01,451 --> 00:19:02,901
I expected too much.
349
00:19:03,653 --> 00:19:06,553
I'm so sorry.
All the best.
350
00:19:09,093 --> 00:19:10,469
Got your knob.
351
00:19:14,014 --> 00:19:15,458
Hasn't tonight
been great?
352
00:19:15,951 --> 00:19:18,721
Just us boys drinking
beer, yelling like idiots,
353
00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:20,531
emitting various gasses.
354
00:19:21,349 --> 00:19:22,639
Oh! Oh, look.
355
00:19:23,129 --> 00:19:24,690
They're doing
that thing again.
356
00:19:24,982 --> 00:19:29,325
Ohhhhhhh oh yeah !
357
00:19:32,790 --> 00:19:34,368
Sally's back.
- Party's over.
358
00:19:34,369 --> 00:19:37,139
thank god.
- Sally, you're smiling.
359
00:19:37,737 --> 00:19:40,254
You're fixed.
- No, Dick,
360
00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:42,694
I'm not fixed because
I was never broken.
361
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:46,507
I'm supposed to be this way. I'm a woman.
362
00:19:46,508 --> 00:19:50,084
Yes, and...?
- Tell me, Dick, what kind of shampoo do you use?
363
00:19:50,416 --> 00:19:51,123
I don't know.
364
00:19:51,124 --> 00:19:53,632
Exactly, and do you feel
the urge to have,
365
00:19:53,633 --> 00:19:55,636
an eight-pound
screaming larva,
366
00:19:55,637 --> 00:19:57,747
rip its way out
of your lower abdomen?
367
00:20:00,642 --> 00:20:02,315
No, I think I can
do without that.
368
00:20:03,164 --> 00:20:05,239
You see, here,
you and I,
369
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,119
are completely
different life-forms,
370
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:09,538
and it's just
some sick cosmic joke
371
00:20:09,539 --> 00:20:10,974
that we have
to share a planet.
372
00:20:12,126 --> 00:20:13,534
You know, I've been thinking
about your assignment,
373
00:20:13,535 --> 00:20:15,636
maybe it wasn't fair of me,
making you the woman.
374
00:20:16,086 --> 00:20:16,937
I'm all right.
375
00:20:17,593 --> 00:20:20,494
I can handle the mood
swings, the emotional issues,
376
00:20:20,495 --> 00:20:22,969
the catcalls,
the punitive underwear,
377
00:20:23,753 --> 00:20:25,983
because, frankly, when I
think of the alternative...
378
00:20:28,323 --> 00:20:30,164
I just have to laugh.
379
00:20:40,885 --> 00:20:42,084
Mother earth.
380
00:20:42,583 --> 00:20:43,853
Father time.
381
00:20:45,826 --> 00:20:48,582
Lady luck.
- Gentleman's quarterly.
382
00:20:50,507 --> 00:20:53,066
Daughters of
the American revolution.
383
00:20:53,067 --> 00:20:54,520
Son of Kong.
384
00:20:56,347 --> 00:20:58,930
Fairy godmother.
- The godfather of soul.
385
00:21:02,309 --> 00:21:03,828
Mississippi.
386
00:21:08,369 --> 00:21:09,500
Mister sippi.
387
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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