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1
00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:09,653
Anyway, I turned around to pick up my order
and when I looked back, my laptop was gone.
2
00:00:10,291 --> 00:00:12,929
It was so pretty. Titanium.
It went with everything he has.
3
00:00:14,009 --> 00:00:15,134
Hmm. It made me look thin and tall.
4
00:00:16,468 --> 00:00:19,170
It had all of my work on it, all of my memos,
my briefs... all of my e-mail!
5
00:00:19,714 --> 00:00:21,234
Sweetie, calm down.
Its just a thing.
6
00:00:21,573 --> 00:00:22,666
No object is that important.
7
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:23,838
It had your DVD in it.
8
00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:25,117
Not Bring It On?!
9
00:00:26,949 --> 00:00:28,507
So, what are you going to do?
10
00:00:28,728 --> 00:00:29,259
You think you're gonna find it?
11
00:00:29,670 --> 00:00:30,086
Well, of course.
12
00:00:30,297 --> 00:00:31,696
We'll seal off all the bridges and tunnels.
13
00:00:31,946 --> 00:00:34,179
We'll scramble a couple of F16s out of McGuire.
14
00:00:35,884 --> 00:00:38,948
Do you think this man finds you funny, Officer?
15
00:00:40,545 --> 00:00:42,557
Detective Hatch. I--
I didn't realize you were here.
16
00:00:43,226 --> 00:00:47,322
Maybe I should leave so you can continue acting like a schmuck
in front of two citizens from New York.
17
00:00:48,179 --> 00:00:49,322
Come on. Get out of here.
18
00:00:49,322 --> 00:00:49,811
Yes, sir.
19
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:52,195
I apologize for the officer.
20
00:00:53,945 --> 00:00:58,872
He's picked up a little bit of an attitude
since he's been a technical consultant on "NYPD Blue."
21
00:00:59,106 --> 00:00:59,526
I'm Detective Hatch.
22
00:01:00,289 --> 00:01:00,746
Uh, Will Truman.
23
00:01:01,338 --> 00:01:02,039
What's the problem, Mr. Truman?
24
00:01:03,042 --> 00:01:03,750
I got him the wrong muffin.
25
00:01:04,212 --> 00:01:05,977
Yeah. I wanted the chocolate chip muffin.
She got me raisin.
26
00:01:06,418 --> 00:01:07,751
Why didn't you get him the chocolate chip, ma'am?
27
00:01:11,885 --> 00:01:13,933
Well, I-- It--
28
00:01:14,430 --> 00:01:16,182
Ok, it was the only one left,
and I wanted it!
29
00:01:18,507 --> 00:01:21,007
So I got Will the raisin and I bought the chocolate chip
for myself, and I ate it in the ladies' room.
30
00:01:21,007 --> 00:01:21,650
Are you happy now?!
31
00:01:24,007 --> 00:01:27,373
I don't believe you! I've been talking about
a chocolate chip muffin since I woke up this morning!
32
00:01:27,373 --> 00:01:28,697
Oh, get a life, Will.
It's a muffin!
33
00:01:29,543 --> 00:01:30,448
And it was good.
34
00:01:31,522 --> 00:01:34,585
Let's take it easy. Everybody's a little emotional here,
what with the robbery and the muffin.
35
00:01:35,905 --> 00:01:37,213
Why don't you take it easy on your girlfriend?
36
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:38,353
Hey, she's not my girlfriend. Ok?
37
00:01:38,555 --> 00:01:41,384
My girlfriend wouldn't leave my laptop
to eat a muffin in a bathroom stall!
38
00:01:42,664 --> 00:01:44,133
My girlfriend also wouldn't be a girl.
39
00:01:46,085 --> 00:01:47,664
Oh. Oh, I see.
40
00:01:48,621 --> 00:01:51,008
Well, I guess, uh--
I guess I got everything here.
41
00:01:51,331 --> 00:01:52,588
Is that your home number, Mr. Truman?
42
00:01:52,895 --> 00:01:54,760
Yes. Look, is there anything I can do to help?
Because I'll do it.
43
00:01:55,927 --> 00:01:58,112
Well, uh, we need more victims like you to get involved.
44
00:01:58,426 --> 00:02:00,349
Hey, this victim is totally willing to get involved.
45
00:02:01,197 --> 00:02:02,756
That's exactly how his last personal ad read.
46
00:02:04,573 --> 00:02:07,929
All right, well, I'll be in touch, and,
uh, ma'am, you might want to keep that purse closed.
47
00:02:08,776 --> 00:02:11,211
Oh, oh, right,
because now this is a crime scene.
48
00:02:12,026 --> 00:02:15,878
No, because your friend might see
that you got two other chocolate chip muffins in there.
49
00:02:47,239 --> 00:02:50,472
Jack, move your bunny slippers.
I'm trying to work on my presentation.
50
00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:52,159
Not really my problem.
51
00:02:56,278 --> 00:03:04,915
Jack, inviting three hot guys over to your apartment
for a "four-gy" does not qualify as group therapy.
52
00:03:06,479 --> 00:03:08,415
I'm talking about actual therapy.
53
00:03:09,492 --> 00:03:13,709
You know, at first I thought group would be a great way
to meet guys. You know I love me some crazies.
54
00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:19,256
But as it turns out,
I actually have a problem.
55
00:03:19,486 --> 00:03:20,489
Would you like to know what it is?
56
00:03:20,489 --> 00:03:21,097
Get out.
57
00:03:23,332 --> 00:03:24,393
I'm too much of a giver.
58
00:03:27,783 --> 00:03:29,546
That's right.
I give a little bit too much.
59
00:03:30,390 --> 00:03:32,507
Always putting other people's needs before mine.
60
00:03:34,301 --> 00:03:36,305
Well, no more!
Before it used to be World, Jack.
61
00:03:36,941 --> 00:03:38,555
Now it's Jack, World.
62
00:03:41,567 --> 00:03:44,485
Hey, Jack world, how about you move
your Jack feet before I kick your Jack ass?
63
00:03:47,377 --> 00:03:48,534
Wow, you are toxic.
64
00:03:49,966 --> 00:03:51,405
I think you need a little gay group therapy.
65
00:03:54,747 --> 00:03:55,453
Oh, hey, poodle.
66
00:03:56,122 --> 00:04:00,046
Hi, Kare. I'd love to stay and fondle,
but Grace's mood ring is a filthy brown today.
67
00:04:03,461 --> 00:04:05,790
Ok. One for the road?
68
00:04:06,325 --> 00:04:06,742
Ok.
69
00:04:11,325 --> 00:04:13,325
Hey, Kare, did you bring me that sample I asked for?
70
00:04:13,771 --> 00:04:15,336
I sure did, honey.
71
00:04:16,697 --> 00:04:17,540
Here you go.
72
00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:26,358
Please, God, tell me that's not your urine.
73
00:04:28,346 --> 00:04:29,891
Oh! Honey, of course it isn't.
74
00:04:32,076 --> 00:04:32,918
It's Rosario's.
75
00:04:35,394 --> 00:04:38,043
This puppy has gotten me out of
more jail time than you'll ever know.
76
00:04:43,478 --> 00:04:44,242
Was that not right?
77
00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:46,665
Tile samples--
I needed you to bring my--
78
00:04:47,507 --> 00:04:48,978
Ok. Ok. Ok, never mind.
79
00:04:49,682 --> 00:04:51,163
Did you take the pictures of those stools I--
Wait!
80
00:04:59,411 --> 00:05:00,038
Do not answer that.
81
00:05:01,019 --> 00:05:02,142
Do not show me anything.
82
00:05:03,930 --> 00:05:09,062
Knock knock. I thought it was rude to eavesdrop,
so I just came in.
83
00:05:10,204 --> 00:05:11,233
Oh, hey-- Hey, Val.
84
00:05:12,298 --> 00:05:14,050
Isn't that the loon from upstairs that likes to beat you up?
85
00:05:16,814 --> 00:05:18,298
Yeah. Get rid of her.
86
00:05:21,173 --> 00:05:24,805
Ok. So, um, listen, Val...
87
00:05:31,608 --> 00:05:33,494
I was just-- just bringing you your phone bill,
'cause they put it in my box.
88
00:05:33,494 --> 00:05:34,122
Ok, don't come any closer!
89
00:05:35,942 --> 00:05:38,413
The clump of hair that you ripped out...
is just starting to grow back in.
90
00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:42,331
Oh, come on, silly.
I'm not like that anymore.
91
00:05:42,706 --> 00:05:45,545
You are looking at a totally new me.
92
00:05:46,225 --> 00:05:49,095
Why? You finally working as a team
with the people in your head?
93
00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:54,735
Well, kind of. Actually, I'm on this
amazing new psychotropic drug.
94
00:05:55,358 --> 00:05:59,418
I mean, sure, I have no sex drive and I'm always dizzy,
but I think I could be a really good friend.
95
00:06:00,732 --> 00:06:01,168
Here.
96
00:06:03,375 --> 00:06:04,432
So what are you working on there, G-Dog?
97
00:06:07,790 --> 00:06:10,523
Um, it's a meditation room for this client I'm trying to land.
98
00:06:11,432 --> 00:06:12,413
Wow. That's nifty.
99
00:06:13,060 --> 00:06:14,134
I'd sure love a room like that.
100
00:06:15,004 --> 00:06:17,194
I'm surprised the court hasn't ordered you
to be in a room like that.
101
00:06:18,257 --> 00:06:19,199
Very funny!
102
00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:24,567
You're ticklish.
103
00:06:26,442 --> 00:06:28,670
See? You know what?
I miss this! I miss this so much.
104
00:06:30,362 --> 00:06:31,571
Well, Val, see, here's the deal.
105
00:06:32,531 --> 00:06:33,427
We could have this--
106
00:06:34,629 --> 00:06:36,031
If you were not this--
107
00:06:40,903 --> 00:06:42,435
All right. Hey, can I take this?
108
00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:45,560
'Cause some day you're gonna be really famous,
and I can say that I knew you when.
109
00:06:47,516 --> 00:06:50,122
Sure, but you know, Val, I really do need to get back to work.
110
00:06:50,836 --> 00:06:53,391
Oh, sure. Yeah, I just wanted to come
and let you know that I'm doing a lot better.
111
00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:56,196
Is that your urine or mine?
112
00:07:03,668 --> 00:07:04,187
I confess.
113
00:07:05,074 --> 00:07:09,012
When I first started gay group therapy,
I just thought it was a really great place to meet guys.
114
00:07:10,103 --> 00:07:14,180
But now as I look around the room and
I see you all looking back at me, I realize...
115
00:07:15,415 --> 00:07:17,319
it's not such a great place to meet guys.
116
00:07:19,380 --> 00:07:21,536
Gavin, the last time you shared,
117
00:07:22,473 --> 00:07:26,021
you spoke about how your fear of rejection often leads you
118
00:07:26,348 --> 00:07:30,007
to make up elaborate stories in order to spend time
with the men you find attractive.
119
00:07:30,362 --> 00:07:30,908
How's that going?
120
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,122
Well, I'm doing it again, you know,
and it's killing me.
121
00:07:38,773 --> 00:07:41,091
I--I met this really good-looking guy
today at this coffee shop,
122
00:07:42,091 --> 00:07:46,814
and instead of asking him out,
I offered to help him find his stolen laptop.
123
00:07:49,233 --> 00:07:50,074
Go on, Gavin.
124
00:07:51,264 --> 00:07:52,557
Well, I don't know why I'm so shy with men.
125
00:07:52,891 --> 00:07:55,338
You know, maybe it's because I came out so late in my life,
126
00:07:55,961 --> 00:08:03,331
but, you know, why can't I just say, you know, "Hi, I'm Gavin.
You want a cup of coffee? A chocolate chip muffin?"
127
00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:07,394
Nah, I'm a mess.
128
00:08:09,002 --> 00:08:10,254
Hmm, maybe a cookie will cheer you up, huh?
129
00:08:11,038 --> 00:08:12,194
Want a little cookie? Hmm?
130
00:08:13,055 --> 00:08:14,130
You know, I prefer the minis.
131
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:18,016
The cream-to-cookie ratio is just so much better for me.
You know?
132
00:08:20,106 --> 00:08:22,762
Uh, uh... you got something in your teeth.
133
00:08:23,877 --> 00:08:24,343
Whatever.
134
00:08:25,997 --> 00:08:30,384
No, really. Just stop it. This really freaks me out.
I got--I got a thing about this, ok? So--
135
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,024
Seriously? This freaks you out?
136
00:08:32,246 --> 00:08:35,102
Stop this now, all right? Just stop it!
I told-- Stop! Doctor--
137
00:08:35,404 --> 00:08:38,884
Jack! You know Gavin has problems with food in teeth.
138
00:08:41,381 --> 00:08:42,380
Now kindly respect that.
139
00:08:44,394 --> 00:08:45,100
Sorry, Gavin.
140
00:08:46,772 --> 00:08:47,351
Weirdo.
141
00:08:49,876 --> 00:08:53,001
Gavin, what do you think your next move
should be with this guy?
142
00:08:54,913 --> 00:08:57,191
Well, I like the guy.
You know, I want to go out with him,
143
00:08:58,099 --> 00:09:02,559
and I think I should be totally honest. I think I should stop
all these stories and just tell him the truth.
144
00:09:03,019 --> 00:09:08,033
A gay laptop-theft ring? You gotta be kidding me!
145
00:09:08,514 --> 00:09:10,831
No, I'm afraid so. It looks like you're the latest victim.
146
00:09:11,604 --> 00:09:13,605
Why would they want gay people's computers?
147
00:09:15,274 --> 00:09:17,508
Well, for one thing, you know, they're organized,
148
00:09:18,149 --> 00:09:22,107
very neat desktops, usually have a carrying case.
149
00:09:22,739 --> 00:09:24,427
You can dress it up or dress it down.
150
00:09:26,615 --> 00:09:30,052
Anyway, that's not the point. I've got a tip.
I thought we could do some surveillance.
151
00:09:31,445 --> 00:09:31,942
We?
152
00:09:33,442 --> 00:09:35,299
Well, you said you wanted to get involved.
153
00:09:35,674 --> 00:09:38,062
Yeah. No, I'd love to.
I love police business.
154
00:09:39,065 --> 00:09:40,607
You have terrific teeth--
Really clean.
155
00:09:45,692 --> 00:09:46,543
Uh, let's go undercover.
156
00:09:47,355 --> 00:09:48,388
Say, Saturday, eight-ish?
157
00:09:48,763 --> 00:09:49,245
Great.
158
00:09:50,764 --> 00:09:53,540
Undercover, wow.
Hey, do I get to wear a wire?
159
00:09:54,304 --> 00:09:56,014
Will we be in dark alleys with really wet streets?
160
00:09:56,388 --> 00:09:58,038
I'm not afraid. I'm just thinking about footwear.
161
00:09:59,687 --> 00:10:02,537
I'm actually thinking of this hot gay club on 14th Street.
162
00:10:02,864 --> 00:10:04,928
You know, obvious target.
Lots of laptop users there.
163
00:10:05,711 --> 00:10:07,990
A club? You really think we're gonna find the perps there?
164
00:10:08,269 --> 00:10:09,677
"Perps." That's very cute.
165
00:10:15,408 --> 00:10:18,186
And I think the meditation room will end up
being your favorite room in the house.
166
00:10:18,740 --> 00:10:21,066
Oh, every room is my favorite now that my wife has left me.
167
00:10:25,081 --> 00:10:26,575
Well, let me paint a picture.
168
00:10:27,465 --> 00:10:31,136
Imagine yourself in an oasis of calm.
169
00:10:31,746 --> 00:10:36,277
A place where the world shuts down and the noise stops.
170
00:10:38,712 --> 00:10:39,225
Yes.
171
00:10:41,835 --> 00:10:42,524
Exactly.
172
00:10:43,789 --> 00:10:48,221
Your cares melt away as you step onto the heated stone floor.
173
00:10:49,113 --> 00:10:51,769
Mmm, a warmth envelops you from within.
174
00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:01,926
You lose yourself as you listen
to the soothing trickle of the Japanese rock fountain.
175
00:11:02,419 --> 00:11:07,779
Oh, which mingles harmoniously with the
soothing trickle of the morphine drip.
176
00:11:12,423 --> 00:11:16,008
Around you, cabinets full of pills await your every mood.
177
00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:18,445
Your turn.
178
00:11:19,917 --> 00:11:23,225
Medi-ta-tion room,
not medi-ca-tion room.
179
00:11:27,116 --> 00:11:27,977
You say "potato"...
180
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:35,782
Anyway, I hope you're getting a sense of what I'm trying to do.
181
00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:37,831
Yeah, yeah, it's great. I'd go with it right now,
182
00:11:38,628 --> 00:11:41,937
but I promised another designer
that I would hear her ideas, too.
183
00:11:42,812 --> 00:11:44,419
Maybe you know her? She works right next door.
184
00:11:45,077 --> 00:11:47,186
Next door? When did a designer move into the--
185
00:11:47,621 --> 00:11:48,186
Hey, neighbs.
186
00:11:49,706 --> 00:11:52,346
Vince? Whenever you're ready,
and I have a great idea for a meditation room.
187
00:11:53,415 --> 00:11:54,889
Who's crazy now, huh, Grace?
188
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:10,081
I hate her. I hate Val,
and I'm the kind of person who doesn't hate anyone!
189
00:12:10,506 --> 00:12:11,111
You hate your sister.
190
00:12:11,111 --> 00:12:11,729
Well, she's hateful!
191
00:12:13,854 --> 00:12:15,187
But besides her, I don't hate anyone.
192
00:12:15,424 --> 00:12:15,986
You hate your doorman.
193
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:17,565
Well, he calls me "kiddo" and clicks.
194
00:12:19,831 --> 00:12:22,379
Besides my doorman and my sister,
I don't hate anyone.
195
00:12:24,133 --> 00:12:24,985
You hate Teri Hatcher.
196
00:12:24,985 --> 00:12:25,702
Oh, who doesn't?!
197
00:12:29,293 --> 00:12:31,895
Ok, fine! So I hate a lot of people,
but I hate Val more!
198
00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:37,119
She stole my ideas, then she has the audacity
to come in here and ask to see my carpet samples?!
199
00:12:38,476 --> 00:12:42,119
Oh, she was hitting on you?! Oh, God!
200
00:12:46,475 --> 00:12:54,221
No, to use in her presentation and I told her no way is
she borrowing my stuff. Over my dead body!
201
00:12:54,596 --> 00:12:56,221
I think there's somebody back there stealing stuff!
202
00:13:03,517 --> 00:13:04,451
I'm gonna hit her so hard!
203
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,048
Honey, no!
204
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:06,905
Just one in the face.
It's the only thing she responds to.
205
00:13:06,905 --> 00:13:09,530
No, no, no. Now come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.
Now listen to me!
206
00:13:10,169 --> 00:13:15,464
If there's anything I've learned from studying the ancient
Chinese art of t'ai chi it's that if you do it in the morning,
207
00:13:16,168 --> 00:13:17,884
a couple hours later you're gonna want to do it again.
208
00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:21,961
You know what Im talking about?
209
00:13:22,570 --> 00:13:28,161
But if theres another thing I learned,
its that violence is never the answer.
210
00:13:32,659 --> 00:13:34,448
Youre right. Of course, of course, youre right.
211
00:13:35,788 --> 00:13:37,633
Oh ho! Come on, come on now!
212
00:13:49,551 --> 00:13:52,230
Now, the important thing is to blend in.
213
00:13:53,028 --> 00:13:56,665
Remember, we are two gay laptop users on a date.
214
00:13:59,590 --> 00:14:00,542
It's only a matter of time.
215
00:14:01,673 --> 00:14:04,182
All right. Should I be wearing a bullet-proof vest?
216
00:14:04,789 --> 00:14:07,758
Or, considering this is a gay bar,
a bullet-proof leather vest?
217
00:14:09,567 --> 00:14:11,287
No, you look fine, Will. You're doing the right thing.
218
00:14:11,495 --> 00:14:14,567
If we had more people like you,
we'd get some of that scum off the streets.
219
00:14:15,754 --> 00:14:17,066
Now, look at me like you love me.
220
00:14:23,207 --> 00:14:25,217
What? Oh! Oh, I see. Because the-- Right.
221
00:14:25,687 --> 00:14:27,313
Ok, um... how's this?
222
00:14:33,245 --> 00:14:35,011
I'm sorry. It's just--
223
00:14:35,011 --> 00:14:36,532
you--you looked like you were buying it.
224
00:14:36,823 --> 00:14:37,347
Did I?
225
00:14:42,618 --> 00:14:46,134
You know, I'm kinda surprised that
anybody would bring their laptop to a bar.
226
00:14:46,357 --> 00:14:46,743
Hold my hand.
227
00:14:46,743 --> 00:14:47,225
Sure.
228
00:14:51,301 --> 00:14:54,799
You know, but I guess gay people are more likely
to come straight from the office with their laptops,
229
00:14:55,114 --> 00:14:56,786
have a few drinks, and that's when it happens.
230
00:14:57,236 --> 00:14:59,298
That's a good observation. You'd make a hell of a cop--
231
00:14:59,892 --> 00:15:01,250
Perceptive, intelligent.
232
00:15:02,673 --> 00:15:06,229
You got a set of eyes like two inviting
pools of chocolate pudding.
233
00:15:10,297 --> 00:15:11,876
Well, we look for that on the force.
234
00:15:24,383 --> 00:15:25,102
Love this song.
235
00:15:26,639 --> 00:15:27,249
Got a good beat.
236
00:15:28,942 --> 00:15:30,817
I guess that would make us "good beat" cops.
237
00:15:35,615 --> 00:15:36,161
You wanna dance?
238
00:15:37,096 --> 00:15:39,815
Oh! Oh, so that way we leave the laptops unattended.
239
00:15:40,036 --> 00:15:40,801
Yeah, sure. Whatever.
240
00:16:07,085 --> 00:16:08,148
Hey, that guy looks suspicious.
241
00:16:08,772 --> 00:16:10,899
He's in a gay bar eating a hot dog without any irony.
242
00:16:13,538 --> 00:16:14,458
You stay right where you are.
243
00:16:15,114 --> 00:16:16,197
I'm gonna try to get a better view.
244
00:16:27,081 --> 00:16:28,846
Oh, yeah. I can see a lot better from back here.
245
00:16:44,248 --> 00:16:45,572
Oh, hey, honey.
How you doing?
246
00:16:45,977 --> 00:16:50,288
Great. I took all my anger towards Val
and I put it entirely into my work.
247
00:16:51,524 --> 00:16:52,443
Well, maybe not entirely.
248
00:16:53,028 --> 00:16:54,318
I did make a crank call to Teri Hatcher.
249
00:16:57,806 --> 00:16:58,777
That's so funny, Vince!
250
00:16:59,715 --> 00:17:00,116
Hi, Grace.
251
00:17:00,380 --> 00:17:01,114
Hey, G-Love.
252
00:17:02,441 --> 00:17:06,125
Listen, I ran into Val in the lobby,
and she had an interesting idea
253
00:17:06,750 --> 00:17:09,858
to combine both of your presentations into the same meeting.
What do you think, huh?
254
00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:15,613
Wow. Well, um, you know,
I'm not really one to combine things.
255
00:17:16,705 --> 00:17:19,807
I mean, I can't even eat my peas if they're touching the meat,
especially if the meat is crazy.
256
00:17:23,275 --> 00:17:25,619
But--but if it will save you time,
then let's do it.
257
00:17:26,055 --> 00:17:26,695
Yeah, let's do it.
258
00:17:28,271 --> 00:17:32,288
'Cause this woman has more talent in her little-boy breasts
than you have in your whole body.
259
00:17:36,278 --> 00:17:37,846
Ok, I have some sketches here for the living room.
260
00:17:39,974 --> 00:17:43,489
I have some sketches, too, Vince,
but unfortunately they're up here in the ol' kanoodle.
261
00:17:46,204 --> 00:17:49,922
Ok. Why don't we now hear some ideas for the bedroom?
262
00:17:50,859 --> 00:17:56,029
Ok. Well, first of all,
I think what we need to do in here is to--
263
00:17:56,468 --> 00:17:57,844
Create an intimate feeling.
264
00:18:01,578 --> 00:18:02,229
And I thought--
265
00:18:02,621 --> 00:18:05,980
One way we could accomplish that is to upholster
the walls with a lovely silk moiré.
266
00:18:16,128 --> 00:18:20,098
That will give the room a sense of luxury,
and it will also absorb some of the sound.
267
00:18:26,345 --> 00:18:29,782
Your other option, of course,
is to cover the walls with--
268
00:18:29,782 --> 00:18:30,220
Stop it.
269
00:18:30,633 --> 00:18:31,016
You stop it!
270
00:18:31,590 --> 00:18:32,486
You stop it! You're a nutjob!
271
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:33,015
You're a nutjob!
272
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:33,989
You're a nutjob!
273
00:18:35,672 --> 00:18:37,440
Ladies, ladies!
274
00:18:39,903 --> 00:18:41,404
Oh, ladies.
275
00:18:43,394 --> 00:18:46,261
Vince, I think these two ponies need to be hosed down.
276
00:18:47,057 --> 00:18:49,023
Come out in the hallway for a minute while I talk to them, ok?
277
00:18:49,023 --> 00:18:49,666
Yeah, sure.
278
00:18:49,666 --> 00:18:50,103
Thanks.
279
00:18:52,741 --> 00:18:53,584
So what's the matter, Grace?
280
00:18:53,802 --> 00:18:56,931
You can't compete with another designer
who actually has a little talent?!
281
00:18:57,506 --> 00:18:59,877
You stole my ideas, freak show!
282
00:19:00,134 --> 00:19:00,769
Oh, puh-leaze!
283
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:02,471
You!
284
00:19:03,644 --> 00:19:05,299
Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! Ladies!
285
00:19:05,740 --> 00:19:07,317
Hey! Hey! Hey! Come. Come. Come.
No, no, no, no.
286
00:19:10,664 --> 00:19:11,921
Come on, ladies. Stop it!
287
00:19:11,921 --> 00:19:13,015
Stop it right now, both of you!
288
00:19:13,015 --> 00:19:14,159
Come here. Come here. Come here right now.
289
00:19:14,159 --> 00:19:15,700
Oh! Come here.
Ok. Whoa.
290
00:19:20,446 --> 00:19:22,546
Now, listen to me!
I'm ashamed of both of you.
291
00:19:23,718 --> 00:19:29,257
If there is one thing that I have learned from studying
the ancient Chinese art of t'ai chi...
292
00:19:32,384 --> 00:19:37,338
is that violence is never the answer,
but sometimes it is.
293
00:19:43,410 --> 00:19:43,817
Is she out?
294
00:19:50,162 --> 00:19:50,615
She's out.
295
00:19:51,805 --> 00:19:53,455
Ok. Honey, you go get Vince.
I'll get rid of the body.
296
00:20:10,156 --> 00:20:11,104
Uh, should we maybe go--
297
00:20:12,632 --> 00:20:13,901
We should keep dancing.
298
00:20:14,976 --> 00:20:20,989
The number-one lesson when you're on a stakeout
is never change your spot if it's good.
299
00:20:34,772 --> 00:20:35,766
Hey, that's annoying.
300
00:20:35,766 --> 00:20:36,513
Hang on. Let me just get this out.
301
00:20:43,721 --> 00:20:44,328
Feel a little awkward.
302
00:20:45,836 --> 00:20:47,028
It's been a long time since I slow-danced...
303
00:20:48,353 --> 00:20:48,873
with a cop...
304
00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:51,747
whose gun is poking me in the back...
305
00:20:57,619 --> 00:20:58,163
I hope.
306
00:21:08,846 --> 00:21:10,131
Yeah, you know, actually I could use a drink.
307
00:21:10,782 --> 00:21:11,578
Oh, yeah, I'll get you one, honey.
308
00:21:11,924 --> 00:21:12,765
Did--did you--
309
00:21:14,219 --> 00:21:15,250
Did you just call me "honey"?
310
00:21:16,249 --> 00:21:16,923
Uh, cop talk.
311
00:21:17,801 --> 00:21:20,183
It's the way we talk at the precinct--
Honey, sweetie, Sarge.
312
00:21:22,839 --> 00:21:23,519
I'll get you a drink.
313
00:21:25,855 --> 00:21:26,813
Oh, my God! We need to talk.
314
00:21:27,432 --> 00:21:29,265
When were you gonna tell me
you were dating freaky teeth guy?!
315
00:21:31,671 --> 00:21:32,961
"Freaky teeth guy"?
316
00:21:33,749 --> 00:21:35,104
You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.
317
00:21:35,367 --> 00:21:36,419
I'd help you, but it's not my problem.
318
00:21:40,663 --> 00:21:42,145
Tell me about freaky teeth guy.
319
00:21:43,318 --> 00:21:48,907
Let's see. We got spinach dip, chives,
poppy seed bagel, and chocolate chip cookies. I--
320
00:21:51,425 --> 00:21:52,781
Uh, you got anything else?
321
00:21:54,049 --> 00:21:55,887
Oh, I'll just bring it anyway in case we change our minds.
322
00:21:58,030 --> 00:22:00,481
You know, detective, I--
I have to confess.
323
00:22:03,950 --> 00:22:08,634
Um... at one point tonight when I was with you,
I kind of forgot we were even looking for my laptop.
324
00:22:10,228 --> 00:22:13,241
I--I just felt like I was with you.
325
00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:14,932
You know what I mean?
326
00:22:15,942 --> 00:22:16,991
I know what you mean.
327
00:22:18,506 --> 00:22:21,566
The Sarge at the precinct had an expression for it--
Chemistry.
328
00:22:28,050 --> 00:22:29,223
But you're not even gay.
329
00:22:29,657 --> 00:22:30,924
Guess I'm barking up the wrong tree.
330
00:22:45,170 --> 00:22:46,012
You mean you're--
331
00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:47,202
Yes, I am.
332
00:22:48,888 --> 00:22:51,358
I'm not gonna lie about it anymore,
because there's one thing--
333
00:22:51,729 --> 00:22:52,586
Don't touch the dip.
334
00:22:55,467 --> 00:22:58,663
Oh, I'm sorry. I just need to nosh when I'm nervous. Go on.
335
00:22:59,365 --> 00:23:02,819
No, well, you know, the first time
I saw you when this investigation began, I wasn't sure--
336
00:23:03,115 --> 00:23:04,339
I'm not kidding about the dip.
337
00:23:06,964 --> 00:23:08,025
Just--I just want a little bit.
338
00:23:10,704 --> 00:23:11,473
All right, Will.
339
00:23:11,987 --> 00:23:14,109
I want you to drop the bagel and step away from the dip.
340
00:23:19,451 --> 00:23:20,215
Ok. Maybe just one cookie.
341
00:23:20,638 --> 00:23:21,255
Why'd you do that?!
342
00:23:22,855 --> 00:23:23,559
Problem, officer?
343
00:23:30,039 --> 00:23:33,056
What's the matter, detective?
Afraid you'll see some food in my teeth?
344
00:23:33,632 --> 00:23:37,647
Just like you're afraid to ask guys out so you make up
some crazy story in order to spend time with them?
345
00:23:37,647 --> 00:23:38,521
Who told you that?
346
00:23:39,352 --> 00:23:41,175
Let's just say I know a little bird who sang.
347
00:23:41,645 --> 00:23:42,027
Who?!
348
00:23:57,427 --> 00:23:59,683
There is no gay laptop ring, is there?
349
00:24:00,319 --> 00:24:00,750
No.
350
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,213
And cops don't call each other "honey"?
351
00:24:04,369 --> 00:24:04,813
No.
352
00:24:05,250 --> 00:24:05,715
Or "sweetie"?
353
00:24:06,573 --> 00:24:07,125
One does.
354
00:24:09,867 --> 00:24:13,586
Will, this is new to me.
You know, it's really hard. I've never dated before.
355
00:24:13,805 --> 00:24:16,824
Oh, please! You've already done the hard part. You came out.
356
00:24:17,115 --> 00:24:18,413
Now is when you're supposed to have a little fun.
357
00:24:19,479 --> 00:24:23,740
Don't do this to yourself. Just go and ask a guy out.
The worst he can say is no.
358
00:24:24,723 --> 00:24:27,238
And even then you'll probably still get a little action.
I mean, we are guys.
359
00:24:29,259 --> 00:24:30,689
That's good advice, Will. Thank you.
360
00:24:31,798 --> 00:24:33,393
So is there anything you want to ask me?
361
00:24:34,548 --> 00:24:36,347
I don't think so, not with that crap on your teeth.
362
00:24:37,202 --> 00:24:37,826
Take care.
363
00:25:17,136 --> 00:25:18,986
Ok, huge news! Gather round!
364
00:25:19,781 --> 00:25:20,394
Where's everybody?
365
00:25:20,859 --> 00:25:23,182
Are you the only one here? Where's Will? Not here?
Ok, that's fine. You'll do. Come on.
366
00:25:24,105 --> 00:25:25,741
Hey, I was just watching a special:
367
00:25:26,028 --> 00:25:28,944
"The Ten Greatest Bathrooms in the World."
They were just about to do number two.
368
00:25:30,618 --> 00:25:32,547
That sounded bad. Go ahead.
369
00:25:32,836 --> 00:25:33,257
Ok.
370
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:37,589
As you know, this weekend, my new show opens at the Duplex,
371
00:25:38,317 --> 00:25:41,492
and this year, I'm giving my fans something
I know they're dying for.
372
00:25:41,898 --> 00:25:42,552
Their money back?
373
00:25:45,818 --> 00:25:48,945
Wait. I don't-- Was it-- I-- Was that a joke?
'Cause--that's fine. Ok.
374
00:25:51,722 --> 00:25:54,612
Ok. This year, my show will feature...
375
00:25:55,924 --> 00:26:00,272
Wait for it. Here it comes. Are you sittin'?
It's on its way. Are you sittin'?
376
00:26:00,531 --> 00:26:00,944
Just say it!
377
00:26:01,365 --> 00:26:01,707
Magic.
378
00:26:06,861 --> 00:26:09,049
Jack, I did not know that you know magic.
379
00:26:09,049 --> 00:26:09,702
But of course.
380
00:26:11,124 --> 00:26:13,424
When I was a kid, I used to lock myself
in my room with handcuffs...
381
00:26:17,781 --> 00:26:19,143
Wait. That's not my magic story.
382
00:26:20,981 --> 00:26:26,795
Anyway, I can do it, and the reason I'm here is
because I need a lovely assistant.
383
00:26:26,795 --> 00:26:27,480
I'm flattered.
384
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,154
So I was thinking of asking Karen,
385
00:26:30,980 --> 00:26:33,854
and that's why I'm here. I need your opinion.
Is she a good assistant?
386
00:26:41,603 --> 00:26:42,576
How do I put this?
387
00:26:43,977 --> 00:26:50,288
She's as good an assistant...
as you are an entertainer.
388
00:26:52,447 --> 00:26:53,617
You're the best, Grace.
389
00:26:54,336 --> 00:26:57,309
I'm thanking you in the program
under the pseudonym "Citizens of New York."
390
00:26:59,603 --> 00:27:00,223
Thank you.
391
00:27:01,646 --> 00:27:04,852
Jack, where were you? You were supposed to go to the HRC dinner with me.
392
00:27:05,115 --> 00:27:08,675
I know. I wanted to, but I just didn't have
a cute little tank top and shorts to wear.
393
00:27:10,128 --> 00:27:14,785
Uh, let me explain this again. It's HRC, the Human Rights
Campaign, not HRC, the Health and Racket Club.
394
00:27:16,518 --> 00:27:18,376
It's a gay and lesbian advocacy group.
395
00:27:19,596 --> 00:27:22,786
Ok, uh, I'm gonna tell you guys again, ok?
I didn't have a cute little tank top and shorts to wear.
396
00:27:24,553 --> 00:27:27,953
Ok. Hey, G. Tell W about the magic.
Get him up to speed. Thank you.
397
00:27:29,803 --> 00:27:30,719
Do I care about any of that?
398
00:27:30,719 --> 00:27:31,315
Absolutely not.
399
00:27:32,576 --> 00:27:33,267
How was the dinner?
400
00:27:33,904 --> 00:27:34,515
It was amazing.
401
00:27:35,032 --> 00:27:36,656
2,500 gay men who care.
402
00:27:37,217 --> 00:27:39,981
It's, uh...
everything my life is lacking.
403
00:27:43,513 --> 00:27:45,500
Ooh! Guess what I got at the silent auction?!
404
00:27:46,279 --> 00:27:49,028
I won a photo session with Fannie Lieber.
405
00:27:49,278 --> 00:27:49,750
No!
406
00:27:51,403 --> 00:27:52,593
Oh, my God!
407
00:27:53,182 --> 00:27:53,621
I know!
408
00:27:53,621 --> 00:27:54,278
I love her!
409
00:27:54,685 --> 00:27:56,760
She is so edgy. She's genius.
410
00:27:57,338 --> 00:28:00,498
She once took a picture of Martha Stewart
when she wasn't selling anything.
411
00:28:05,241 --> 00:28:07,212
She looked so vulnerable.
412
00:28:10,618 --> 00:28:13,484
I just--I just wanted to hug her, but...
413
00:28:14,897 --> 00:28:17,601
but you couldn't,
'cause she's Martha Stewart, you know.
414
00:28:19,163 --> 00:28:22,769
Well, anyway, here's the cool part.
The picture is gonna appear in her next coffee table book.
415
00:28:23,022 --> 00:28:26,229
All family portraits, and I'm thinkin'
since my parents are splitting up,
416
00:28:26,644 --> 00:28:32,644
and I haven't been able to sit on a couch with my brothers
since the invention of the noogie, that... You and me.
417
00:28:33,455 --> 00:28:33,893
What?
418
00:28:34,301 --> 00:28:35,788
Hell. You're my family.
419
00:28:37,299 --> 00:28:40,531
Ooh, Will, that's so sweet.
420
00:28:40,941 --> 00:28:43,952
You win this huge thing at an auction, and you think of me?
Do I have to kick in?
421
00:28:43,952 --> 00:28:44,267
No.
422
00:28:44,267 --> 00:28:45,625
Oh!
423
00:29:05,980 --> 00:29:08,309
I--I won the family portrait at the HRC auction last week.
424
00:29:08,814 --> 00:29:10,282
I beat out two lesbians with a Chihuahua.
425
00:29:11,416 --> 00:29:14,731
Oh, great. People who've never been
in front of a camera before. Joy.
426
00:29:16,244 --> 00:29:17,695
Um, excuse me. Excuse me.
427
00:29:18,121 --> 00:29:19,557
I've been professionally photographed.
428
00:29:20,836 --> 00:29:23,837
Wait, uh, are you talking about that picture
your dermatologist took of that freaky skin rash?
429
00:29:26,367 --> 00:29:26,884
Will.
430
00:29:27,242 --> 00:29:28,601
Yes, I am. Don't embarrass me!
431
00:29:28,601 --> 00:29:28,931
Ow! Sorry!
432
00:29:29,856 --> 00:29:32,107
Ok, look. Just so you know,
this is a drug free environment, all right?
433
00:29:32,339 --> 00:29:35,365
Fannie's about to get her 90-day chip,
and we're all doin' our best to support her.
434
00:29:35,822 --> 00:29:40,880
Me, I got 10 years under my belt...
and nothin' to show for it but a clean carpet and an empty bed.
435
00:29:44,162 --> 00:29:45,663
Well, uh, we're pretty much drug free.
436
00:29:46,119 --> 00:29:48,525
I mean, I've got a Claritin...
and he's got a Propecia.
437
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:52,518
That's for the rash comment.
438
00:29:53,690 --> 00:29:54,505
Do me a favor, babe.
439
00:29:54,877 --> 00:29:56,807
Get me a Red Bull and one of those candy necklaces.
440
00:29:57,788 --> 00:29:59,517
You guys won the, uh, gay auction, huh?
441
00:29:59,970 --> 00:30:01,928
Good for you. I love fags.
I married three of 'em.
442
00:30:04,874 --> 00:30:06,313
Wow. Lucky.
443
00:30:09,499 --> 00:30:13,888
We--we are huge-- huge fans of your work.
444
00:30:14,155 --> 00:30:18,012
I mean, I've gotta tell you,
that picture of Bette Midler in the tub of baked beans...
445
00:30:19,933 --> 00:30:21,747
It brought two of my favorite things together.
446
00:30:23,798 --> 00:30:25,907
Hold on. I got to, uh, reload.
447
00:30:27,829 --> 00:30:31,432
What is the deal with her?
I thought she'd be so dynamic.
448
00:30:31,653 --> 00:30:33,792
Instead, she's like sad clerk at Blockbuster.
449
00:30:35,214 --> 00:30:36,682
"I'm sorry. We're outta Shrek."
450
00:30:42,461 --> 00:30:44,852
Grace, I--I'm a model, so let me explain this to you.
451
00:30:45,779 --> 00:30:50,397
Photographers are observers. they're-- they're low-key.
They tend to fade into the background.
452
00:30:50,397 --> 00:30:54,836
Whoo!
I am in the mood for F-ing life!
453
00:30:55,647 --> 00:30:56,512
What-- What happened to her?
454
00:30:56,740 --> 00:30:58,666
I don't know, but we need to get
a curtain like that for our house.
455
00:31:01,691 --> 00:31:03,179
Do you believe in magic?
456
00:31:03,179 --> 00:31:03,941
I do!
457
00:31:04,179 --> 00:31:05,519
In a young girl's heart?
458
00:31:05,925 --> 00:31:09,320
Music can free her whenever it starts.
Magic.
459
00:31:14,204 --> 00:31:16,066
And it's starting right now.
460
00:31:17,176 --> 00:31:24,644
Good, 'cause I don't think I can wait any longer
for some of that old Jack Daniels!
461
00:31:25,923 --> 00:31:26,858
Jack magic.
462
00:31:27,506 --> 00:31:29,578
Honey, you say "potato," I say, "vodka."
463
00:31:33,653 --> 00:31:38,547
Now for my first trick,
I will turn everyone in the audience gay.
464
00:31:40,719 --> 00:31:43,282
Ala-kazam, ala-kum-hot, ala-kum-dum...
465
00:31:43,282 --> 00:31:45,416
Poofter! You're all gay!
466
00:31:47,172 --> 00:31:49,088
Didn't need any magic for that one.
467
00:31:51,346 --> 00:31:56,941
Now for my next trick,
I will ask my lovely assistant to step inside the magic box.
468
00:31:57,853 --> 00:31:59,837
Uh-oh, I might be a little rusty.
469
00:32:00,136 --> 00:32:03,478
I haven't done that since my junior year at Sarah Lawrence.
470
00:32:09,587 --> 00:32:10,163
Here she goes.
471
00:32:13,898 --> 00:32:15,883
Hocus...
472
00:32:17,537 --> 00:32:18,259
Uh... Um, line?
473
00:32:18,835 --> 00:32:19,256
Pocus!
474
00:32:19,535 --> 00:32:20,134
Pocus!
475
00:32:21,259 --> 00:32:22,651
Oh!
476
00:32:26,471 --> 00:32:29,221
It's a little jack-- rabbit.
477
00:32:29,788 --> 00:32:30,160
Ok.
478
00:32:32,305 --> 00:32:34,441
Hocus...
479
00:32:34,721 --> 00:32:35,156
Are you ready?
480
00:32:35,586 --> 00:32:35,829
No. Oh!
481
00:32:36,429 --> 00:32:36,770
Karen?
482
00:32:36,770 --> 00:32:37,177
Yeah?
483
00:32:37,177 --> 00:32:37,595
Are you ready?
484
00:32:37,595 --> 00:32:38,984
Oh! Ok, ok, yeah.
485
00:32:41,517 --> 00:32:42,583
Pocus!
486
00:32:54,439 --> 00:32:56,512
JThank you. Thank you.
487
00:32:56,980 --> 00:33:01,550
Now for my next trick, I'll need a volunteer, which would be
a nice change of pace, seeing as they usually charge me.
488
00:33:03,170 --> 00:33:06,294
Honey, honey! I just had an idea for a trick!
489
00:33:06,589 --> 00:33:08,135
Oh, heh. An unscripted moment.
490
00:33:09,012 --> 00:33:11,338
Almost as pleasant to behold as Liza's new bride.
491
00:33:15,258 --> 00:33:19,009
Ok. Watch as I double the number of people in the audience.
492
00:33:31,898 --> 00:33:33,807
Come on, strap one on me! I'm ready to shoot.
493
00:33:35,381 --> 00:33:38,519
Wait, wait, wait. Before--before we start,
I mean, is what I'm wearing ok?
494
00:33:39,615 --> 00:33:41,037
Ok, the shirt's off.
495
00:33:43,036 --> 00:33:45,364
Oh, hey. Ok, Will, she's takin' my pants off.
496
00:33:47,317 --> 00:33:48,160
Oh, you're Jewish.
497
00:33:57,365 --> 00:33:58,395
How could you tell that?
498
00:33:58,611 --> 00:33:59,265
Cheap underwear.
499
00:34:02,625 --> 00:34:06,124
It's ok. I love the Jews. I married three of 'em.
Ok, let's go!
500
00:34:07,171 --> 00:34:12,704
You are so hot. Oh, boy, you know,
I bet boys and girls like you. Ok, let's go!
501
00:34:14,028 --> 00:34:14,811
Uh, what about me?
502
00:34:14,811 --> 00:34:16,684
What about you?
503
00:34:18,043 --> 00:34:18,597
Oh! Oh!
504
00:34:18,597 --> 00:34:20,420
Where's my Bull?!
505
00:34:21,527 --> 00:34:23,682
Yeah. Uh... I--I meant more, like,
I'm not crazy about my forehead.
506
00:34:23,951 --> 00:34:26,295
Is there any angle you could shoot me
from to kinda minimize that?
507
00:34:26,295 --> 00:34:28,063
You know, I'm not in the business of minimizing foreheads.
508
00:34:27,994 --> 00:34:31,599
I'm in the business of maximizing truth.
You have a big forehead, and that's the truth.
509
00:34:35,032 --> 00:34:37,751
Ok, now... ok, this is how we do it here.
510
00:34:38,442 --> 00:34:41,315
I'm gonna give you some simple directions.
You do exactly what I say. No questions.
511
00:34:41,568 --> 00:34:42,563
Ok, let's have some music.
512
00:34:44,250 --> 00:34:47,733
My bonnie lies over the ocean,
my bonnie lies over the sea--
513
00:34:47,733 --> 00:34:48,829
Not you! Crank it, come on!
514
00:34:49,630 --> 00:34:51,967
Ok, gimme some shoulder. Let the arms go. Let the arms go.
515
00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:57,429
All right. Ok. Shake it. Shake it. Shake it.
Ok. All right. Ok. Ok, roll the head. Roll it.
516
00:34:57,429 --> 00:35:02,764
Roll it. Ok. Jaw. Jaw. Lips.
Chest. Chest. Chest.
517
00:35:03,077 --> 00:35:05,860
Chest! Chest! You're not givin' it to me!
518
00:35:05,860 --> 00:35:07,360
I don't have it to give!
519
00:35:08,152 --> 00:35:10,340
Ok, ok, now, push your heads together.
Push your heads together.
520
00:35:10,340 --> 00:35:12,103
Lock knees. Lock knees.
I'm gonna get a little lower.
521
00:35:12,103 --> 00:35:16,650
A little lower. A little lower.
A little lower.
522
00:35:19,135 --> 00:35:20,992
Uh, Fannie?
523
00:35:22,601 --> 00:35:23,460
Ms. Lieber?
524
00:35:24,090 --> 00:35:24,619
Is she ok?
525
00:35:25,775 --> 00:35:26,606
We should check.
526
00:35:33,606 --> 00:35:34,896
That's it. We're done.
527
00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:37,585
Wake me when David Geffen's dalmation gets here.
528
00:35:41,443 --> 00:35:42,916
Ok. What the hell were you doin' goin' off book tonight?
529
00:35:43,411 --> 00:35:45,097
What are you talking about?
Honey, we killed!
530
00:35:45,380 --> 00:35:47,675
I'm talkin' about that cruise ship comedy
you did with your drink.
531
00:35:48,164 --> 00:35:50,179
My show is planned down to the smallest detail.
532
00:35:50,630 --> 00:35:55,947
From the arch in my eye, to the limp in my wrist, and
you pulled some cheap comedy bit we've seen 1,000 times? God!
533
00:35:59,110 --> 00:36:00,657
Oh, honey, who cares?
534
00:36:00,891 --> 00:36:04,577
I was a big hit, and you know--
Oh, I had another idea for our next show.
535
00:36:04,936 --> 00:36:05,860
You don't get to have ideas.
536
00:36:06,452 --> 00:36:09,161
This show is called "That Old Jack Magic,"
not "That Old Assistant's Magic."
537
00:36:09,632 --> 00:36:10,873
Oh! Old?!
538
00:36:11,702 --> 00:36:15,125
Well, how do you know that? There are parts of me
that were just a twinkle in a scientist's eye three weeks ago.
539
00:36:16,847 --> 00:36:18,201
Besides, I was just trying to help.
540
00:36:18,827 --> 00:36:21,701
You wanna help? Then remember your place.
You're the assistant...
541
00:36:22,159 --> 00:36:24,885
And let's not forget where that word comes from--
Latin, meaning "ass of an ant."
542
00:36:27,730 --> 00:36:30,947
So keep your ideas to yourself and assist.
It shouldn't be that hard. It's what you do. Get it?
543
00:36:34,635 --> 00:36:37,418
I'm gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off.
544
00:36:47,619 --> 00:36:48,476
Guess what I got?
545
00:36:49,304 --> 00:36:51,163
A cold sore? Me too!
546
00:36:53,365 --> 00:36:56,413
No... I got our photograph from Fannie Lieber.
547
00:36:57,818 --> 00:37:03,567
Oh. I was--I was just-- I was totally just makin'...
Fannie Lieber! Oh, my God! Yay!
548
00:37:04,206 --> 00:37:04,505
Yeah.
549
00:37:04,505 --> 00:37:05,925
That was so sweet of you to wait for me!
550
00:37:06,159 --> 00:37:07,021
Well, you would have waited for me.
551
00:37:07,581 --> 00:37:08,471
Sure. Ok.
552
00:37:16,603 --> 00:37:19,579
Oh, my god, I love it! Look at me!
553
00:37:21,733 --> 00:37:23,577
I'm gorgeous!
554
00:37:25,731 --> 00:37:30,009
The hair, the cheekbones, the lips.
It's all workin' for me...
555
00:37:32,465 --> 00:37:33,226
And you look good.
556
00:37:35,177 --> 00:37:40,802
I look awful! Why am I so mad?
I look like an angry foreigner.
557
00:37:41,463 --> 00:37:43,239
"Could you tell me, please, where is Times Square?!"
558
00:37:45,472 --> 00:37:47,101
I--I--I don't want this in any book.
559
00:37:47,463 --> 00:37:49,974
What? No! I mean, what are you gonna do?
560
00:37:50,271 --> 00:37:53,550
You can't go back to Fannie Lieber
and tell her that you want a re-shoot.
561
00:37:54,753 --> 00:37:56,485
Since when are you afraid to tell people what you think?
562
00:37:56,771 --> 00:37:59,568
You walked right up to Kevin Spacey
and told him he owed you 9 bucks for K-PAX.
563
00:38:03,485 --> 00:38:06,000
I think it went something like this:
"Hey, Spacey! Pay it forward!"
564
00:38:12,047 --> 00:38:13,237
Ok, fine. We'll go.
565
00:38:15,818 --> 00:38:19,030
I just don't understand why I should be
punished for being so photogenic.
566
00:38:22,018 --> 00:38:26,003
Now for my next trick, I'm gonna ask
my lovely assistant to get inside the box.
567
00:38:30,454 --> 00:38:30,916
Get in the box.
568
00:38:30,916 --> 00:38:31,273
No!
569
00:38:33,755 --> 00:38:34,318
Get in the box!
570
00:38:34,318 --> 00:38:34,943
All right!
571
00:38:36,159 --> 00:38:38,831
Sarah Lawrence. Cheap lesbian joke. I'm in the box.
572
00:38:43,295 --> 00:38:43,670
Magic.
573
00:38:45,402 --> 00:38:46,952
Hocus...
574
00:38:48,193 --> 00:38:48,998
Pocus.
575
00:38:51,293 --> 00:38:54,387
Thank you. Thank you.
576
00:38:55,483 --> 00:38:59,355
It's a jack rabbit. Ok, a jack rabbit.
577
00:39:01,806 --> 00:39:02,998
Ok. Hocus...
578
00:39:04,168 --> 00:39:04,777
Pocus!
579
00:39:07,077 --> 00:39:07,853
Hocus pocus!
580
00:39:12,586 --> 00:39:14,744
Karen, come through the false back in the box!
581
00:39:17,414 --> 00:39:18,467
Hocus pocus!
582
00:39:20,447 --> 00:39:20,996
Karen?
583
00:39:22,710 --> 00:39:23,724
You stink.
584
00:39:32,550 --> 00:39:35,599
Oh, look who's here. Oh, my god.
I had such fun with you guys.
585
00:39:36,583 --> 00:39:39,708
Oh, God. The attitude you get from people who matter.
586
00:39:40,179 --> 00:39:42,673
And you... you were so--
587
00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:49,490
So tell me. How'd you like the picture?
588
00:39:49,891 --> 00:39:50,315
I loved it.
589
00:39:50,315 --> 00:39:50,630
You loved it.
590
00:39:50,630 --> 00:39:50,920
I loved it.
591
00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:51,108
You loved it.
592
00:39:51,108 --> 00:39:51,454
I loved it.
593
00:39:51,969 --> 00:39:52,304
Did you love it?
594
00:39:52,304 --> 00:39:52,780
I didn't love it.
595
00:39:52,780 --> 00:39:53,280
You didn't love it.
596
00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:53,804
Didn't love it.
597
00:39:53,804 --> 00:39:55,565
You just lost a dry hump, buddy.
598
00:39:59,826 --> 00:40:04,565
It's just, you know, we were thinking because we're gonna be
in the book that, maybe we can get a better picture.
599
00:40:04,771 --> 00:40:07,793
You know, one where I where I look like a happy American.
600
00:40:08,090 --> 00:40:09,934
You know, like, "Times Square? Why, yes, it's this way."
601
00:40:11,753 --> 00:40:13,637
Whoa. You know, I have been doing this for a long time.
602
00:40:13,981 --> 00:40:17,260
I mean, I have shot rock stars, politicians,
movie stars, my own vagina...
603
00:40:19,623 --> 00:40:23,936
and this is the first time anyone has ever,
ever asked me for a re-shoot.
604
00:40:24,806 --> 00:40:29,461
Yeah, but the difference is, you know,
it's not a big deal to those people, or--
605
00:40:29,682 --> 00:40:34,507
or to your vagina, but, you know, to us, this is--
this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
606
00:40:36,088 --> 00:40:36,648
Please?
607
00:40:37,226 --> 00:40:38,244
All right. Damn it!
608
00:40:38,460 --> 00:40:41,306
Why am I such a sucker for a gay guy who begs?
609
00:40:43,668 --> 00:40:45,146
The story of my life, sister.
610
00:40:55,717 --> 00:40:56,280
Hey, you.
611
00:40:58,784 --> 00:40:59,608
What's up, doc? I'm just--
612
00:41:04,967 --> 00:41:07,652
You know, I never really noticed before
how bloodshot your eyes are.
613
00:41:15,353 --> 00:41:16,025
Karen?!
614
00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:21,012
No. No, that's crazy.
615
00:41:22,322 --> 00:41:23,041
You're a rabbit...
616
00:41:25,500 --> 00:41:25,902
Right?
617
00:41:29,898 --> 00:41:30,916
Well, just in case...
618
00:41:32,369 --> 00:41:33,351
I'm so sorry.
619
00:41:34,523 --> 00:41:39,686
You have to understand that fame, like Tobys new lover,
is a rude, ugly, gay guy.
620
00:41:43,146 --> 00:41:44,068
I let it go to my head.
621
00:41:45,418 --> 00:41:48,492
I should have been-- I should have been grateful
to have any of your ideas.
622
00:41:50,619 --> 00:41:52,041
This is nice. Is this mink?
623
00:41:57,862 --> 00:41:59,804
Wait a minute. This is weird.
This is totally weird.
624
00:42:00,208 --> 00:42:03,391
I mean, you're-- you're a rabbit. You're not Karen.
Are you?
625
00:42:05,958 --> 00:42:07,204
Oh, you goof, turn around.
626
00:42:08,329 --> 00:42:11,005
Oh, my god, Karen, I'm so sorry
about all those things I said. I--
627
00:42:11,005 --> 00:42:13,922
Hey, honey, it's ok. It's ok.
I heard everything, and...
628
00:42:14,251 --> 00:42:17,170
anything I missed, I'll--I'll get from that cat.
629
00:42:21,233 --> 00:42:21,766
Forgiven?
630
00:42:22,349 --> 00:42:23,965
And forgotten.
631
00:42:27,420 --> 00:42:28,496
Hey, look at that. An upper.
632
00:42:30,096 --> 00:42:31,972
Honey, that's really good. How'd you do that?
633
00:42:33,449 --> 00:42:34,496
Do what? That's just in your ear.
634
00:42:40,931 --> 00:42:45,822
Hey, now, that's a photograph.
Look at that handsome fella.
635
00:42:46,980 --> 00:42:47,949
I don't think I've ever looked better...
636
00:42:49,585 --> 00:42:50,494
and--and you look good.
637
00:42:53,371 --> 00:42:54,289
We're goin' back, aren't we?
638
00:42:57,918 --> 00:42:59,927
Come on, darling. Look at me like I'm a bucket of chicken.
639
00:43:00,193 --> 00:43:02,338
I wanna see that mixture of desire and fear.
640
00:43:04,943 --> 00:43:05,416
Fannie.
641
00:43:06,005 --> 00:43:06,795
Uh... hi!
642
00:43:07,036 --> 00:43:07,943
Hello!
643
00:43:08,507 --> 00:43:09,599
Oh, balls. You two?
644
00:43:11,228 --> 00:43:12,119
Anyway, about-- About our picture...
645
00:43:12,775 --> 00:43:16,286
Look at me. I look all-- all puffy and mannish.
646
00:43:17,159 --> 00:43:19,144
I'm like Puff, the magic drag queen.
647
00:43:22,474 --> 00:43:22,922
I love mine.
648
00:43:23,898 --> 00:43:24,536
Ready for my dry hump.
649
00:43:26,298 --> 00:43:26,987
We need a re-shoot,
650
00:43:27,751 --> 00:43:32,110
and you might as well say yes now before I--
I make my gay guy beg for it.
651
00:43:33,375 --> 00:43:36,969
Ok, Cindy. Go get some dinner.
There's water and cigarettes in the back.
652
00:43:39,327 --> 00:43:41,748
Yes! Ok. Ok, here we go.
653
00:43:42,217 --> 00:43:43,648
All right. Ass. Teeth. Ass. Teeth.
654
00:43:44,371 --> 00:43:47,056
Stop. There's not gonna be any picture.
655
00:43:47,865 --> 00:43:49,648
What? What do you mean?
656
00:43:50,661 --> 00:43:52,152
When he looked grotesque, you redid his!
657
00:43:53,164 --> 00:43:55,833
Wh-wh-wh-wh-whoa. "Grotesque?"
You said I didn't look that bad.
658
00:43:56,068 --> 00:43:57,144
Sweetie, we have no time to pretend.
659
00:43:58,646 --> 00:44:02,528
Don't you guys have anything better to do
than obsess about looking perfect in some photo?
660
00:44:03,331 --> 00:44:04,443
I mean, don't you have lives?
661
00:44:06,237 --> 00:44:10,268
Yes, we have lives. I just got TiVo.
662
00:44:13,938 --> 00:44:17,335
And I am this close to learning how to use it.
663
00:44:19,521 --> 00:44:24,722
Well, how about getting something real to focus on
like a dog or a plant or an addiction? I mean, something.
664
00:44:26,498 --> 00:44:31,873
Look, I know Grace, and having some plant is not gonna make her
care any less about looking like H.R. Puffy-Face.
665
00:44:33,777 --> 00:44:37,893
And a dog is not gonna make him
care any less about looking repulsive.
666
00:44:38,855 --> 00:44:39,215
Why do you have to dig?
667
00:44:39,215 --> 00:44:39,657
I'm not digging.
668
00:44:39,657 --> 00:44:40,217
You just called me repulsive.
669
00:44:40,217 --> 00:44:41,342
I didn't call you "grotesque."
670
00:44:41,606 --> 00:44:44,809
Oh, please! You're just splitting hairs now. Repulsive--
671
00:44:45,088 --> 00:44:49,684
Just do something. Have a baby. I don't know.
I don't care. Just get out of my life.
672
00:44:53,641 --> 00:44:54,867
Hey, that's a good idea. Let's have a baby.
673
00:44:56,088 --> 00:44:58,820
Sure. That would make one hell of a family portrait.
674
00:45:00,556 --> 00:45:01,213
Hey, Grace, wanna have a baby right now?
675
00:45:01,213 --> 00:45:03,367
Yeah! I think I'm ready! Let's do it!
676
00:45:13,521 --> 00:45:14,400
That's the one.
677
00:45:54,869 --> 00:45:56,349
Ok... What do you wanna see?
678
00:45:57,742 --> 00:46:00,019
Mmm, how 'bout something French,
like with two girls kissing?
679
00:46:02,177 --> 00:46:04,891
No, nothing with subtitles. It's my day off.
I don't feel like reading.
680
00:46:06,695 --> 00:46:07,329
Hey, sweetie.
681
00:46:07,800 --> 00:46:09,172
We're thinking about going to a movie.
What do you wanna see?
682
00:46:09,510 --> 00:46:11,780
Anything but a documentary. It's my day off.
I don't wanna learn.
683
00:46:13,456 --> 00:46:14,264
What's up with the wine?
684
00:46:14,969 --> 00:46:16,518
Mrs. Friedman from downstairs gave it to me.
685
00:46:16,967 --> 00:46:17,768
It's actually a wonderful story.
686
00:46:18,193 --> 00:46:20,199
She and her husband were saving it for a special occasion,
687
00:46:20,519 --> 00:46:25,824
but then he, uh, died before they had a chance to open it,
so she gave it to me and said, "Make your own special occasion"
688
00:46:27,106 --> 00:46:30,385
I guess that story's not so much wonderful
as it is incredibly sad.
689
00:46:32,291 --> 00:46:34,088
You know what else is incredibly sad?
690
00:46:34,824 --> 00:46:36,353
Poor people with big dreams.
691
00:46:40,414 --> 00:46:43,896
Actually, that's not so much sad as it is incredibly funny.
692
00:46:46,275 --> 00:46:47,146
You know, we should do this.
693
00:46:47,894 --> 00:46:50,072
We should save the wine for a special occasion.
694
00:46:50,094 --> 00:46:53,072
You know, something where the four of us
have all done something that we're incredibly proud of.
695
00:46:53,878 --> 00:46:54,923
You know, we can wait 20 years if we have to.
696
00:46:55,817 --> 00:46:57,757
Ah, screw it. Open it.
I wanna have a buzz for the movies.
697
00:46:58,416 --> 00:46:59,456
One step ahead of you.
698
00:46:59,688 --> 00:47:00,829
I never gave a crap about Mr. Friedman.
699
00:47:03,284 --> 00:47:03,922
You know...
700
00:47:04,561 --> 00:47:07,030
I hope I don't have any regrets like that when I'm 75.
701
00:47:07,481 --> 00:47:09,436
I know. How do you deal with it, Karen?
702
00:47:11,204 --> 00:47:16,423
Oh! Oh, Wilma. I have so much money.
703
00:47:21,635 --> 00:47:24,463
You know the one thing I really wanna do before i die?
704
00:47:24,838 --> 00:47:25,838
Run the marathon.
705
00:47:26,402 --> 00:47:28,398
It would be such a feeling of accomplishment.
706
00:47:29,121 --> 00:47:33,460
Mile one, down. Mile 2, down.
Mile 3, down. Mile 4, down--
707
00:47:34,505 --> 00:47:35,335
All right!
708
00:47:37,570 --> 00:47:40,451
You know what I've always wanted to do?
Perform...
709
00:47:40,880 --> 00:47:46,331
on the Broadway stage.
The make up, the wigs, the costumes.
710
00:47:46,914 --> 00:47:48,614
And then I'd walk to the theater.
711
00:47:51,643 --> 00:47:54,643
You know... there is something
I've been putting off for a long time.
712
00:47:55,659 --> 00:47:57,081
And I've avoided it because...
713
00:47:57,581 --> 00:47:59,641
well, frankly, it scares me a little.
714
00:48:00,518 --> 00:48:02,452
I'm supposed to have a conjugal visit with Stan.
715
00:48:06,130 --> 00:48:06,766
You know what?
716
00:48:07,257 --> 00:48:08,438
We should do all of these things.
717
00:48:09,485 --> 00:48:10,653
Oh, come on, honey, that's easy for you to say.
718
00:48:10,653 --> 00:48:12,338
All you gotta do is run a lousy marathon.
719
00:48:13,371 --> 00:48:16,791
Stan weighs 5,000 pounds.
It's 26 miles just circling him!
720
00:48:19,139 --> 00:48:22,735
No, I'm serious.
I'm tired of talking about it all the time.
721
00:48:23,119 --> 00:48:26,664
I am going to train for the marathon,
and I am going to do it.
722
00:48:27,168 --> 00:48:28,086
You know what, G?
723
00:48:29,320 --> 00:48:34,213
I'm gonna audition for a Broadway play,
because if I can't make it there, I can't make it anyplace.
724
00:48:36,101 --> 00:48:39,521
Hey! I'm gonna boink my fat husband in prison.
725
00:48:41,793 --> 00:48:43,224
Well, I need to drink to that.
726
00:48:44,675 --> 00:48:47,065
Come on, Kar. What do you think we should get,
facials or colonics?
727
00:48:47,474 --> 00:48:51,365
Mmm, I don't know. Let's flip a coin for it. Heads or tails?
So long!
728
00:48:54,969 --> 00:48:55,922
Ah... well, you've been a little quiet.
729
00:48:56,688 --> 00:48:58,485
Isn't there something you wanna do before it's too late?
730
00:48:59,275 --> 00:49:01,123
Hell, there's something.
731
00:49:02,786 --> 00:49:05,465
I... wanna have a baby, you know, I...
I wanna have a child.
732
00:49:06,512 --> 00:49:07,543
And you should someday.
733
00:49:08,032 --> 00:49:09,456
You're gonna make a terrific father.
734
00:49:10,264 --> 00:49:11,574
Yeah. But I wanna do it now.
735
00:49:12,123 --> 00:49:13,152
And I wanna do it with you.
736
00:49:42,599 --> 00:49:45,365
I guess you're one of those therapists that likes us to start.
737
00:49:45,974 --> 00:49:50,706
I hate that. I mean, I--
I don't hate you, just your methods.
738
00:49:53,009 --> 00:49:54,351
I don't know you well enough to hate you.
739
00:49:54,737 --> 00:49:59,485
Not to suggest that if I did know you I would hate you,
but I guess it is always a possibility.
740
00:50:00,675 --> 00:50:02,360
I mean, if you said something hateful, I--
741
00:50:02,360 --> 00:50:03,206
$4.00 a minute, Grace.
742
00:50:07,172 --> 00:50:09,076
Ok. Let me just get you up to speed.
743
00:50:10,402 --> 00:50:11,996
Um... Gay.
Straight.
744
00:50:12,693 --> 00:50:13,731
Gentile.
Jew.
745
00:50:16,282 --> 00:50:17,668
36.
29.
746
00:50:17,875 --> 00:50:18,135
33!
747
00:50:18,135 --> 00:50:18,559
24.
748
00:50:18,559 --> 00:50:19,027
Sold.
749
00:50:23,014 --> 00:50:26,960
W-w-we... We've been best friends for, like, 15 years,
and we've always said that one day we'd have a baby together.
750
00:50:27,289 --> 00:50:29,449
And I wanna do it now, and she's not so sure, and...
751
00:50:29,851 --> 00:50:32,989
ever since I brought it up, she's been avoiding me,
and we've been having stupid fights.
752
00:50:33,592 --> 00:50:34,349
I haven't been avoiding you.
753
00:50:34,664 --> 00:50:35,648
You have, too!
754
00:50:36,036 --> 00:50:39,255
I--I--I come in the room, and you scurry
behind the couch like a silverfish.
755
00:50:41,659 --> 00:50:44,269
Do you have to go to the anti-Semitic place?
756
00:50:47,190 --> 00:50:48,018
What are you talking about?
757
00:50:48,954 --> 00:50:52,672
Silver fish? Silverberg? Gefilte fish?
758
00:50:57,672 --> 00:50:58,579
We get it.
759
00:51:00,686 --> 00:51:03,425
You see, this would be one of the stupid fights.
760
00:51:06,170 --> 00:51:07,635
Rosie, hi. Listen to this.
761
00:51:08,715 --> 00:51:10,215
They don't even let you turn the lights out.
762
00:51:11,155 --> 00:51:13,983
I can't have sex with Stan if I can see him!
763
00:51:15,590 --> 00:51:18,244
How am I supposed to have a conjugal
watchin' that con jiggle?!
764
00:51:24,398 --> 00:51:26,304
Yeah. Ok. Thanks, honey. See you back at the mans.
765
00:51:28,320 --> 00:51:34,896
I'm in the nude for love.
Scooba da boo, salami...
766
00:51:41,726 --> 00:51:43,128
Just in case he forgets his way.
767
00:51:53,032 --> 00:51:54,311
What the...? Wha...
768
00:51:56,358 --> 00:51:58,030
A security camera?!
769
00:51:59,623 --> 00:52:01,702
Oh, I cannot believe this!
770
00:52:05,237 --> 00:52:07,139
Oh, whatever happened to privacy?
771
00:52:08,025 --> 00:52:09,949
I am outraged. I'm appalled! I'm...
772
00:52:11,282 --> 00:52:12,480
I'm turned on!
773
00:52:25,384 --> 00:52:25,994
Hot jazz!
774
00:52:27,684 --> 00:52:28,458
What's that you say?
775
00:52:28,695 --> 00:52:30,206
Sure, he can dance, but can he sing?
776
00:52:31,943 --> 00:52:37,992
Maria. I just met a "girl" named Maria,
777
00:52:39,726 --> 00:52:45,172
and suddenly I've found how wonderful a sound can be.
778
00:52:45,782 --> 00:52:48,172
"Maria," say--
779
00:52:50,688 --> 00:52:52,596
All right, what does that mean right there?
What's going on there?
780
00:52:53,061 --> 00:52:54,793
'Cause that's in my sightline, ok?
781
00:52:55,545 --> 00:53:00,208
You know, um, when they flash the red light at the duplex,
that means they want the guy to get off the stage!
782
00:53:02,077 --> 00:53:06,434
Oh, no, I'm not leaving.
No, I'm not getting off this stage.
783
00:53:07,141 --> 00:53:09,230
I--I--I'm gonna read for your play, and do you know why?
784
00:53:09,672 --> 00:53:11,105
Because I want it to be a runaway hit!
785
00:53:12,266 --> 00:53:14,117
Hey! Hey! You don't even know who I am!
786
00:53:14,117 --> 00:53:15,322
You don't even know what I can offer!
787
00:53:15,789 --> 00:53:18,431
Why, I could--I could be the next
Sir Judi Dench or Dame Ian McKellen!
788
00:53:20,119 --> 00:53:23,726
Do you really wanna be known as
the producers who passed that up?
789
00:53:27,760 --> 00:53:28,588
Oh, my god, it totally worked.
790
00:53:31,865 --> 00:53:32,802
Ok, look. Um...
791
00:53:34,114 --> 00:53:35,284
I don't know if I'm ready for this.
792
00:53:36,425 --> 00:53:40,411
I mean, there's a lot of things I wanna do with my life,
and I don't know if I can do it with a baby.
793
00:53:41,485 --> 00:53:42,596
I wanna travel the world.
794
00:53:43,391 --> 00:53:44,989
Anywhere. Everywhere.
795
00:53:45,516 --> 00:53:48,420
You know, as long as it's clean and
they speak English and it's safe.
796
00:53:51,146 --> 00:53:54,159
You've just narrowed your world travel plans down to Denver.
797
00:53:55,684 --> 00:53:56,293
Grace...
798
00:53:56,981 --> 00:53:57,891
what is the problem?
799
00:53:58,204 --> 00:54:00,666
What are you--what are you doing here?
We've always talked about doing this.
800
00:54:00,666 --> 00:54:01,293
I know--
801
00:54:01,293 --> 00:54:05,182
And you're always making us stop in front of baby Gap to go,
"aw!" at the little high tops.
802
00:54:07,219 --> 00:54:08,822
And the-- and the little baby backpacks!
803
00:54:09,452 --> 00:54:11,336
I mean, why would a baby need a backpack?
804
00:54:13,322 --> 00:54:14,905
Maybe to carry stuff to his homies' cribs.
805
00:54:19,476 --> 00:54:22,121
I don't know! Let's just have a baby and find out.
806
00:54:22,882 --> 00:54:24,099
Come on, what's holding you back?
807
00:54:25,260 --> 00:54:27,083
I don't know. It's just-- what?
808
00:54:27,510 --> 00:54:30,003
I--I guess a part of me does wanna have a baby, but...
809
00:54:31,378 --> 00:54:34,159
Grace, it's me. If there's something you wanna say,
just say it.
810
00:54:36,509 --> 00:54:38,195
I'm just not sure I wanna do it with you.
811
00:54:50,280 --> 00:54:50,844
What are you...
812
00:54:51,657 --> 00:54:53,155
What do you mean, you don't wanna do it with me?
813
00:54:54,425 --> 00:54:56,764
For years we've talked about how we're gonna do this!
814
00:54:57,371 --> 00:55:01,494
When my--when my friend Claire wanted my sperm so she
could have a baby, you said no because it was your sperm!
815
00:55:01,791 --> 00:55:03,838
You practically planted a flag in my testicles!
816
00:55:07,336 --> 00:55:09,251
Well, that's because it is my sperm.
817
00:55:09,900 --> 00:55:11,056
But it's my safety sperm.
818
00:55:12,445 --> 00:55:13,978
You know, like the safety school?
819
00:55:14,295 --> 00:55:19,038
You apply to college, and it's the one school you know you're
gonna get into just in case everything else falls through.
820
00:55:19,650 --> 00:55:21,054
You're saying my sperm is Florida State?
821
00:55:24,474 --> 00:55:27,041
Look, it--it was a fallback position.
822
00:55:27,846 --> 00:55:31,501
It was always the thing that I was gonna do
if I didn't find Mr. Right, and...
823
00:55:32,347 --> 00:55:35,005
I'm just not sure that I'm ready to give up on that yet.
824
00:55:37,126 --> 00:55:38,987
Yeah, well, you know, you're probably right.
825
00:55:39,657 --> 00:55:45,561
I mean, just 'cause it didn't work out with Danny or Nathan
or Josh or Ben or Bill or Mark or Six-Toe or Unibrow...
826
00:55:48,045 --> 00:55:50,528
doesn't mean it won't work out with
that pizza guy you've been eyeing.
827
00:55:51,036 --> 00:55:54,971
I'm sure you two will be very happy together with your three
beautiful children: Pepperoni, Mushroom, and Extra Cheese.
828
00:55:58,059 --> 00:55:59,137
That was mean.
829
00:56:00,543 --> 00:56:02,246
You know, this is all very easy for you.
830
00:56:02,711 --> 00:56:05,012
I have the kid. You're a dad. You're happy.
831
00:56:05,445 --> 00:56:09,541
But who am I in all this? The mom of my gay roommate's baby?
832
00:56:10,306 --> 00:56:14,356
That's not exactly the family I dreamed of.
833
00:56:15,592 --> 00:56:16,992
Well, you--you think this is my dream?
834
00:56:17,755 --> 00:56:20,652
I never thought I'd have a child this way!
I assumed I'd be with a guy!
835
00:56:20,974 --> 00:56:23,585
You know... Rick, and six years into the relationship,
836
00:56:23,773 --> 00:56:27,583
when we got tired of running a bed and breakfast in Vermont,
we'd decide to have a family.
837
00:56:27,893 --> 00:56:30,222
Ok, well, what about Rick? Where is Rick?
838
00:56:30,938 --> 00:56:33,813
Is he in the TV room where you spend every Saturday night?
839
00:56:34,581 --> 00:56:37,501
Does he appear on the gay channel that you added
and don't think I know about?
840
00:56:41,139 --> 00:56:44,643
I mean, you sat here, and you listed my--my failures!
841
00:56:45,099 --> 00:56:48,331
At least I have failures to list!
At least I tried!
842
00:56:48,688 --> 00:56:50,623
You haven't had a serious relationship in five years!
843
00:56:50,623 --> 00:56:51,313
No, I haven't!
844
00:56:51,313 --> 00:56:54,597
Well, then maybe you need to ask yourself
why you want this baby.
845
00:56:56,371 --> 00:57:00,635
Is it because you are so full of love?
And there's no one in your life?
846
00:57:00,952 --> 00:57:04,231
And so now you wanna make a little guy or girl to give it to?
847
00:57:04,639 --> 00:57:08,304
So what? Isn't that a perfectly good reason to have a baby?
848
00:57:08,672 --> 00:57:10,264
I mean, isn't it? Isn't it?
849
00:57:14,492 --> 00:57:15,512
It isn't, is it?
850
00:57:24,885 --> 00:57:26,597
So you're really going to watch us have sex?
851
00:57:28,485 --> 00:57:30,813
Well, honey, it isn't going to be pretty.
852
00:57:33,672 --> 00:57:35,875
The good news is, it isn't going to be long either.
853
00:57:37,675 --> 00:57:38,873
And it should be pretty quick, too.
854
00:57:43,373 --> 00:57:44,170
I like you.
855
00:57:49,184 --> 00:57:49,793
Oh! Stanley?
856
00:57:50,530 --> 00:57:51,219
Hi, sweetheart.
857
00:57:52,309 --> 00:57:56,668
Oh, I know, it's been so long. I can't wait to run up
and throw my arms two-thirds of the way around you.
858
00:57:58,264 --> 00:57:59,117
So come on--
859
00:58:00,461 --> 00:58:00,994
What?
860
00:58:03,137 --> 00:58:04,588
What do you mean you're not coming?
What happened?
861
00:58:10,246 --> 00:58:11,012
You son of a bitch.
862
00:58:12,789 --> 00:58:13,773
How could you do this to me?
863
00:58:19,644 --> 00:58:22,021
Well, it's been fun, cammie, but I'm outta here.
864
00:58:24,773 --> 00:58:27,518
The bastard used his library time
to do a little insider trading.
865
00:58:28,242 --> 00:58:31,579
They found out, now he's going to be in for a lot longer.
866
00:58:32,969 --> 00:58:35,672
Why couldn't he use his library time to read the Bible,
867
00:58:35,672 --> 00:58:39,023
or expose himself to the newbies
like the rest of the boys on Cellblock Fat?
868
00:58:44,811 --> 00:58:45,309
What?!
869
00:58:45,954 --> 00:58:46,730
No, you listen.
870
00:58:47,362 --> 00:58:48,967
I've been putting on a brave face for eight months...
871
00:58:51,182 --> 00:58:53,010
well, eight months ago in Brazil I had one put on.
872
00:58:55,338 --> 00:58:56,715
But do you think this has been easy for me?
873
00:58:57,463 --> 00:58:58,188
Well, it hasn't.
874
00:58:59,233 --> 00:59:02,961
But I thought you were getting out soon, so I held on
so that we could start our lives over.
875
00:59:04,523 --> 00:59:05,398
And then you go and do this.
876
00:59:08,047 --> 00:59:09,367
Boy, you screwed up, Stan.
877
00:59:11,742 --> 00:59:12,443
No, I don't--
878
00:59:14,288 --> 00:59:15,632
no, I don't know if I can forgive you.
879
00:59:16,161 --> 00:59:17,643
And I'll tell you something else, Mr. Walker...
880
00:59:19,978 --> 00:59:23,416
I'm tired, and I don't know if I can do this anymore.
881
00:59:36,891 --> 00:59:37,907
Did you know about this?
882
00:59:42,324 --> 00:59:43,155
And you didnt tell me.
883
00:59:47,371 --> 00:59:49,103
You should be ashamed of yourself.
884
00:59:56,650 --> 01:00:01,822
I guess I just got caught up in the romantic notion
of what it would be like to have a baby with her, you know?
885
01:00:03,443 --> 01:00:06,936
I mean, you'd be all gorgeous and pregnant
and glowing and booby.
886
01:00:08,333 --> 01:00:09,021
You know, and...
887
01:00:10,463 --> 01:00:12,335
when you had the baby, I'd be in the delivery room.
888
01:00:13,655 --> 01:00:16,862
When you were pushing and screaming at me to rot in hell,
I would.
889
01:00:18,956 --> 01:00:22,144
And we'd raise him with the values that were important to us.
890
01:00:23,036 --> 01:00:24,565
Respect for other people's opinions...
891
01:00:25,548 --> 01:00:28,210
except for, you know, ones that were different than ours.
892
01:00:31,516 --> 01:00:34,581
On his first date with a girl--or a boy.
893
01:00:35,438 --> 01:00:37,842
Or if it's a girl, a boy... or a girl,
894
01:00:40,467 --> 01:00:44,592
we'd be home, all nervous and waiting,
but acting like we weren't.
895
01:00:46,650 --> 01:00:50,166
Then one day, when he went off to college,
we'd wave good-bye and...
896
01:00:51,509 --> 01:00:55,992
look at each other and say,
"You know what? We did a good job."
897
01:00:58,090 --> 01:01:00,088
I want to have a baby with you!
898
01:01:05,536 --> 01:01:06,146
Let's see.
899
01:01:09,887 --> 01:01:12,364
"Please, Mr. O'Shaughnessy, I'm begging you.
900
01:01:13,222 --> 01:01:15,865
I can't stand out here any longer in this unbearable--
901
01:01:16,148 --> 01:01:16,666
"heat."
902
01:01:17,320 --> 01:01:20,572
Oh... it's hot.
903
01:01:23,032 --> 01:01:26,347
"We need food or else I fear my family will perish,
and my harp will break."
904
01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:28,719
Oh. Oh, "heart."
905
01:01:29,655 --> 01:01:30,561
"My heart will break."
906
01:01:31,146 --> 01:01:32,920
I said, "harp will break."
Did you hear that?
907
01:01:34,579 --> 01:01:35,128
Harp!
908
01:01:38,795 --> 01:01:40,911
Ok. Where was I? Let's see. Ok.
909
01:01:43,356 --> 01:01:46,494
"Deirdre's got no milk for the wee one,
and the oldest girl is dead."
910
01:01:47,621 --> 01:01:50,806
Harp! I can't believe I said harp!
That is the funniest...
911
01:01:51,603 --> 01:01:53,664
I thought the "P" was a "T". That's so funny.
912
01:01:54,202 --> 01:01:55,835
Ok...ok, wait.
913
01:01:58,460 --> 01:02:03,248
"So please, I'm begging you, it's only a loaf of bread to you,
but for us, it's life."
914
01:02:05,615 --> 01:02:06,599
Let me--let me try that again.
915
01:02:08,003 --> 01:02:09,788
"It's only a loaf of bread to you...
916
01:02:14,847 --> 01:02:16,894
it's only a loaf of bread...
917
01:02:20,786 --> 01:02:21,688
It's only..."
918
01:02:29,592 --> 01:02:30,567
I'm just going to stop.
919
01:02:32,175 --> 01:02:32,842
I just...
920
01:02:33,592 --> 01:02:34,483
it's just, um...
921
01:02:36,309 --> 01:02:36,965
This isn't...
922
01:02:38,887 --> 01:02:39,652
It's me.
923
01:02:41,030 --> 01:02:42,092
I'm not good, am I?
924
01:02:42,635 --> 01:02:44,134
Wait, don't answer that, I already know.
925
01:02:47,998 --> 01:02:48,751
All these years...
926
01:02:50,193 --> 01:02:51,085
everybody keeps telling me.
927
01:02:54,411 --> 01:02:55,403
Thanks for your time, though.
928
01:02:57,695 --> 01:03:01,193
You can, um, put your red light on now,
'cause I--I'm done...
929
01:03:03,255 --> 01:03:04,036
with all of this.
930
01:03:06,784 --> 01:03:07,612
I'm not an actor.
931
01:03:10,815 --> 01:03:11,815
Really, it's ok.
932
01:03:13,344 --> 01:03:14,376
You can turn it on.
933
01:03:22,967 --> 01:03:23,614
And scene.
934
01:03:29,056 --> 01:03:29,487
I can't...
935
01:03:30,246 --> 01:03:32,059
I'm so confused.
936
01:03:32,891 --> 01:03:33,855
You--you want to have a baby now?
937
01:03:34,331 --> 01:03:35,809
I do. Do you?
938
01:03:36,213 --> 01:03:36,806
I don't!
939
01:03:37,478 --> 01:03:37,932
What?
940
01:03:38,652 --> 01:03:40,829
But the reason we're here is because you wanted to have a baby.
941
01:03:41,204 --> 01:03:42,731
I did, but then you talked me out of it.
942
01:03:43,088 --> 01:03:45,836
But then you talked me into it
with all your talk about talking me out of it.
943
01:03:46,181 --> 01:03:48,460
But you haven't talked me back into it
with all your talk of--of--of--of--
944
01:03:49,150 --> 01:03:50,083
Talk me back into it!
945
01:03:52,322 --> 01:03:53,304
Oh, this is ridiculous.
946
01:03:55,262 --> 01:03:57,831
We don't sound like two people who should be having a child.
947
01:03:59,260 --> 01:04:00,864
This is something we should be sure of.
948
01:04:02,918 --> 01:04:03,394
Yeah.
949
01:04:04,329 --> 01:04:05,302
You're right. I mean, it's...
950
01:04:06,114 --> 01:04:07,760
it's not like super-sizing a happy meal.
951
01:04:09,846 --> 01:04:11,577
Yeah, 'cause that's always a yes.
952
01:04:18,237 --> 01:04:19,628
Will, we can do this.
953
01:04:19,985 --> 01:04:21,657
I don't see how I can. I mean, what if--
954
01:04:21,891 --> 01:04:23,545
w-w-what if I am doing this for all the wrong reasons?
955
01:04:24,670 --> 01:04:28,012
What difference does it make what your reasons are
for wanting to love a child?
956
01:04:29,751 --> 01:04:31,855
Isn't the most important thing the love part?
957
01:04:34,041 --> 01:04:43,492
And as far as I'm concerned, if Mr. Right and the father
of my child turns out to be two different people,
958
01:04:45,244 --> 01:04:46,599
would that be so bad?
959
01:04:54,347 --> 01:04:54,862
What?
960
01:04:56,519 --> 01:04:59,474
We got a million reasons not to do this, but I...
961
01:05:00,867 --> 01:05:05,003
I just keep imagining this kid in some cosmic waiting room...
962
01:05:06,972 --> 01:05:07,985
and he's our kid.
963
01:05:09,463 --> 01:05:10,896
And I'd really like to meet him.
964
01:05:12,338 --> 01:05:13,284
Me, too.
965
01:05:15,833 --> 01:05:19,498
Are we doing this? I mean, are we going to have a baby?
966
01:05:22,237 --> 01:05:24,090
Oh, my god, I guess we are!
967
01:05:32,681 --> 01:05:33,307
Oh, god...
968
01:05:39,088 --> 01:05:40,246
Well, we have two minutes left.
969
01:05:41,336 --> 01:05:42,525
Is there anything we haven't covered?
970
01:05:45,927 --> 01:05:46,492
I don't know.
971
01:05:47,177 --> 01:05:49,300
After something that huge, it's kind of hard to, uh...
972
01:05:50,492 --> 01:05:52,163
She never cleans up, and it really bugs me.
973
01:05:54,519 --> 01:05:56,365
It's just a response to his compulsiveness.
974
01:05:56,612 --> 01:05:58,518
Everything in the refrigerator has to face forward.
975
01:05:58,800 --> 01:06:00,539
How else are you going to know what it is, huh?
976
01:06:02,268 --> 01:06:03,516
Say something!
977
01:06:42,432 --> 01:06:43,059
Ok, you ready?
978
01:06:43,706 --> 01:06:45,682
My top three choices for baby names.
979
01:06:45,965 --> 01:06:50,181
If it's a boy: Caleb, Elijah, and Jonah.
980
01:06:50,806 --> 01:06:53,652
Great. You have any choices that were popular
after Noah built the ark?
981
01:06:56,748 --> 01:06:57,777
Ooh, Noah.
982
01:07:01,121 --> 01:07:02,393
Ok. Now, don't worry.
983
01:07:02,777 --> 01:07:07,079
If you wanna go more modern,
I also have Louis, Erik, and Sebastian.
984
01:07:07,934 --> 01:07:11,530
And for girls,
I've got Vanessa, Ursula, and Ariel.
985
01:07:12,371 --> 01:07:13,519
They're good, right?
986
01:07:13,519 --> 01:07:15,793
Yeah. They're also characters from The Little Mermaid.
987
01:07:16,936 --> 01:07:17,612
What?
988
01:07:17,889 --> 01:07:19,952
I'm surprised you didn't put down Flounder and Scuttle.
989
01:07:21,670 --> 01:07:23,090
We're gonna make a baby!
990
01:07:23,090 --> 01:07:23,809
I know!
991
01:07:24,206 --> 01:07:25,894
But don't forget what we talked about last night.
992
01:07:25,894 --> 01:07:29,373
We're not gonna tell anyone about this baby
until I'm actually pregnant.
993
01:07:29,708 --> 01:07:30,347
Well, what about our friends?
994
01:07:30,768 --> 01:07:33,376
No. No. Our friends will just make
stupid comments and have stupid opinions.
995
01:07:33,909 --> 01:07:35,034
That's a little unfair.
996
01:07:35,623 --> 01:07:37,373
Are there any Hobbits left in America?
997
01:07:40,579 --> 01:07:42,217
I take it back. That's totally fair.
998
01:07:43,670 --> 01:07:46,802
'Cause I was up all night thinking about
what my new calling in life should be.
999
01:07:47,811 --> 01:07:50,561
There's been quite a void since I abandoned my acting career.
1000
01:07:51,373 --> 01:07:53,206
I thought your acting career was the void.
1001
01:07:54,585 --> 01:07:55,646
I just need something.
1002
01:07:55,876 --> 01:07:57,561
Like a--like a new direction.
1003
01:07:58,188 --> 01:07:58,940
That way.
1004
01:08:19,784 --> 01:08:20,813
Ok, I'm late for work.
1005
01:08:21,064 --> 01:08:22,297
Look, uh, I made you a nice lunch.
1006
01:08:22,501 --> 01:08:25,461
Don't forget your juice-box for the gym,
and just lock up after you steal things.
1007
01:08:27,878 --> 01:08:30,284
Hey. What's going on with you?
1008
01:08:31,190 --> 01:08:31,737
What do you mean?
1009
01:08:33,173 --> 01:08:35,087
You're all pinched and clinched,
like a man with a secret.
1010
01:08:39,613 --> 01:08:40,503
Nothing, I j--
1011
01:08:41,565 --> 01:08:43,993
Well, I do have kind of huge news,
but I promised Grace I would not tell.
1012
01:08:44,470 --> 01:08:45,847
Come on! What is it?! Please?!
1013
01:08:47,180 --> 01:08:50,194
I can't. Grace is gonna honor her promise,
and I must do the same.
1014
01:08:50,596 --> 01:08:51,912
You two are having a baby?!
1015
01:08:56,976 --> 01:08:58,273
Isn't it incredible?
1016
01:08:58,663 --> 01:09:02,815
Oh, honey, it really is. And you know,
with everything that's been going on with me lately,
1017
01:09:03,243 --> 01:09:04,443
Stan staying in prison,
1018
01:09:04,912 --> 01:09:10,497
me all alone in a house with 16 servants, most of whom
don't even jump anymore when I shoot at their feet...
1019
01:09:15,653 --> 01:09:19,037
Well, your news really gives me something to smile about.
1020
01:09:19,819 --> 01:09:21,632
Karen, it's so good to see you smile.
1021
01:09:22,666 --> 01:09:25,431
Hell, it's good to see you exhibit any human attribute.
1022
01:09:27,850 --> 01:09:30,945
Wow. So you and Will are having a baby.
1023
01:09:31,694 --> 01:09:33,570
Ok, now, before you start judging and saying things like,
1024
01:09:34,296 --> 01:09:38,029
"he's gay," and, "that's weird," and,
"you're so flat that Will's gonna have to breast feed..."
1025
01:09:41,386 --> 01:09:44,247
you should know that we are very serious about this.
1026
01:09:44,774 --> 01:09:45,917
Well, of course you are.
1027
01:09:47,632 --> 01:09:49,070
Breast feed. I'm funny...
1028
01:09:53,884 --> 01:09:56,842
So, where is this baby going to live?
1029
01:09:58,997 --> 01:10:00,511
Well, you know, in my office, in a file folder.
1030
01:10:01,967 --> 01:10:03,172
Under "O" for offspring.
1031
01:10:04,493 --> 01:10:05,917
Here with us! What do you think?
1032
01:10:08,127 --> 01:10:09,479
Well, isn't that all cozy. One big happy family.
1033
01:10:15,229 --> 01:10:16,126
What's wrong with you?
1034
01:10:18,512 --> 01:10:19,511
Is this because I'm gay?
1035
01:10:22,074 --> 01:10:25,604
You feel you failed somehow, and now you need
to get a new baby and start all over again?
1036
01:10:27,418 --> 01:10:29,877
I'm gay. And you're not my baby.
1037
01:10:32,574 --> 01:10:33,690
It's just--it's just...
1038
01:10:35,264 --> 01:10:38,224
It's just that this new baby is gonna come,
and he's gonna be cuter than I am,
1039
01:10:38,590 --> 01:10:40,921
and younger than I am, and he's gonna
have a better job than I do...
1040
01:10:43,604 --> 01:10:47,068
Well, sure. But we'll still love you.
1041
01:10:47,859 --> 01:10:49,252
I don't know. It all sounds kinda crazy.
1042
01:10:50,640 --> 01:10:51,796
We'll still pay for you.
1043
01:10:52,404 --> 01:10:53,543
Yay, we're having a baby!
1044
01:10:53,856 --> 01:10:54,576
Yeah, I thought so...
1045
01:10:58,359 --> 01:11:00,787
Ok, now, remember, Karen. Not a word about...
1046
01:11:02,720 --> 01:11:04,109
Oh. John Goodman.
1047
01:11:06,702 --> 01:11:11,100
Yes, Karen. John Goodman.
1048
01:11:11,328 --> 01:11:12,670
Also try to avoid the subject of baby.
1049
01:11:16,828 --> 01:11:17,358
Hello.
1050
01:11:18,141 --> 01:11:20,320
Hi, kid. How's the wife?
1051
01:11:22,099 --> 01:11:22,765
Same old, same old.
1052
01:11:23,703 --> 01:11:25,327
I mean, I bust my hump 14 hours a day.
1053
01:11:26,061 --> 01:11:28,890
Is it too much to ask to have dinner
waiting for me on the table when I get home?
1054
01:11:30,600 --> 01:11:31,173
Yeah.
1055
01:11:32,662 --> 01:11:33,693
You should get rid of her.
1056
01:11:38,268 --> 01:11:39,266
I hear she sleeps around.
1057
01:11:42,176 --> 01:11:43,018
Ok, guys. Dinner's ready.
1058
01:11:59,175 --> 01:11:59,735
What?
1059
01:12:01,667 --> 01:12:03,329
We'll make popcorn later, watch "Buffy." That's fine.
1060
01:12:06,579 --> 01:12:09,552
No! Don't tell Karen and Grace I told you about the baby.
1061
01:12:09,815 --> 01:12:10,988
The baby. I got you. Yes, of course.
1062
01:12:12,020 --> 01:12:13,677
This looks so great!
1063
01:12:16,114 --> 01:12:17,333
Thanks. How about a toast? Hmm?
1064
01:12:17,706 --> 01:12:19,051
To Will and Grace's baby!
1065
01:12:22,613 --> 01:12:23,738
I can't believe you told her!
1066
01:12:23,738 --> 01:12:25,207
I can't believe you told him!
1067
01:12:25,207 --> 01:12:26,384
He doesn't count; he doesn't listen.
1068
01:12:26,384 --> 01:12:28,457
She doesn't count; she's always buzzed.
1069
01:12:28,729 --> 01:12:29,542
Hey! Hey! Hey!
1070
01:12:32,100 --> 01:12:33,052
Hey, come on, now!
1071
01:12:34,163 --> 01:12:35,054
Where are we?
1072
01:12:41,761 --> 01:12:42,582
I'm sorry, what?
1073
01:12:46,194 --> 01:12:47,864
Kids. Kids. Come on, it doesn't matter.
1074
01:12:48,864 --> 01:12:50,363
You two are having a baby, and, well...
1075
01:12:50,761 --> 01:12:51,944
We think it's wonderful.
1076
01:12:52,931 --> 01:12:53,774
Thank you.
1077
01:12:54,524 --> 01:12:58,146
I do ask that after you have completed
the act of making sweet, sweet love
1078
01:12:58,740 --> 01:13:02,400
that you get Will a one-way ticket back to Homoville
before he gets too comfortable in 'Gina Heights.
1079
01:13:10,368 --> 01:13:12,117
We are not having sex.
1080
01:13:12,462 --> 01:13:13,024
Of course not.
1081
01:13:13,398 --> 01:13:14,211
What? Why not?
1082
01:13:15,371 --> 01:13:16,368
Because we...
1083
01:13:18,150 --> 01:13:19,337
Um, hold on. Jack?
1084
01:13:23,337 --> 01:13:24,181
Totally, yes.
1085
01:13:25,149 --> 01:13:26,440
Jack. Elliot?
1086
01:13:26,837 --> 01:13:28,243
Oh, yes. Of course. Elliot, yeah.
1087
01:13:29,231 --> 01:13:30,641
Um, listen. You can't be here right now.
1088
01:13:30,867 --> 01:13:33,703
We're about to have a very serious conversation
that isn't appropriate for a child your age.
1089
01:13:34,277 --> 01:13:35,060
Well, can I listen at the door?
1090
01:13:35,953 --> 01:13:36,578
Yeah, I think that'll be fine.
1091
01:13:40,492 --> 01:13:41,042
Thank you.
1092
01:13:42,868 --> 01:13:44,899
Guys, nobody will be having any sex.
1093
01:13:45,550 --> 01:13:46,150
Sorry, Grace.
1094
01:13:47,457 --> 01:13:48,612
What?!
1095
01:13:50,987 --> 01:13:52,279
That better be a joke.
1096
01:13:53,171 --> 01:13:56,029
Well, once upon a time you were attracted to me.
1097
01:13:56,795 --> 01:13:58,078
Yeah, a thousand years ago.
1098
01:13:58,800 --> 01:14:02,171
Before I saw you pluck your eyebrows
and go to bed with moisturizing gloves.
1099
01:14:05,654 --> 01:14:07,948
If anything, you're the one who wants to have sex with me.
1100
01:14:08,685 --> 01:14:09,208
What?!
1101
01:14:10,238 --> 01:14:12,779
I see the way you look at me when I shave my legs.
1102
01:14:14,863 --> 01:14:17,872
Well, that's because it happens so infrequently,
I have to take a minute to figure out what you're doing.
1103
01:14:20,440 --> 01:14:21,951
Ooh, that was low.
1104
01:14:24,469 --> 01:14:26,106
She should say something about his fat chin.
1105
01:14:27,466 --> 01:14:29,605
Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Let's stop this.
1106
01:14:30,769 --> 01:14:32,872
Will, I don't want to sleep with you.
1107
01:14:33,405 --> 01:14:34,436
Well, I don't wanna sleep with you, either.
1108
01:14:35,859 --> 01:14:37,377
So I guess we'll be doing, what, insemination.
1109
01:14:37,623 --> 01:14:38,363
Works for me.
1110
01:14:38,998 --> 01:14:41,780
Ok, you guys. You know, ok.
Just don't say it so casually, ok?
1111
01:14:42,583 --> 01:14:45,359
Do you even know what insemination involves?
1112
01:14:45,863 --> 01:14:46,436
Of course.
1113
01:14:46,436 --> 01:14:46,967
Yes, thank you.
1114
01:14:48,189 --> 01:14:48,811
No, not really.
1115
01:14:48,811 --> 01:14:49,240
Not exactly.
1116
01:14:50,217 --> 01:14:50,710
Well, do you know?
1117
01:14:51,311 --> 01:14:52,145
Uh, hello?!
1118
01:14:52,658 --> 01:14:55,313
His own son was the result of insemination.
1119
01:14:59,313 --> 01:15:01,408
So if anyone knows, I think I do.
1120
01:15:02,907 --> 01:15:03,748
Elliot!
1121
01:15:07,399 --> 01:15:08,131
Insemination.
1122
01:15:10,753 --> 01:15:13,190
The guy goes to this lab, where he deposits his sperm,
1123
01:15:14,268 --> 01:15:17,161
then the doctor puts it into this machine
that spins it around to get the best sample.
1124
01:15:17,958 --> 01:15:22,032
The woman goes to another place,
where her doctor waits for the sample to arrive from the lab.
1125
01:15:22,613 --> 01:15:26,833
Then the doctor inserts the sample with a syringe,
and, hopefully, that results in fertilization.
1126
01:15:28,458 --> 01:15:28,845
Wow.
1127
01:15:29,752 --> 01:15:30,287
I know.
1128
01:15:32,305 --> 01:15:33,252
So clinical.
1129
01:15:34,323 --> 01:15:34,963
So impersonal.
1130
01:15:35,399 --> 01:15:36,162
I know.
1131
01:15:36,162 --> 01:15:36,838
It sounds perfect.
1132
01:15:37,659 --> 01:15:38,056
Yeah.
1133
01:15:38,056 --> 01:15:39,222
And I don't have to shave my legs.
1134
01:15:48,740 --> 01:15:52,059
You know, the female reproductive system is so amazing.
It's a miracle, really.
1135
01:15:52,837 --> 01:15:54,755
So complex. So beautiful.
1136
01:15:55,162 --> 01:15:57,150
Yow! What is that thing?!
1137
01:15:58,064 --> 01:16:00,789
God! It looks like the bad guy in a science fiction movie.
1138
01:16:01,779 --> 01:16:02,564
Oh, please.
1139
01:16:03,489 --> 01:16:05,779
Like your stuff looks like a box full of kittens?
1140
01:16:08,710 --> 01:16:09,279
It don't.
1141
01:16:12,864 --> 01:16:14,811
Excuse me. Mr. Truman?
1142
01:16:14,811 --> 01:16:15,347
Yes.
1143
01:16:15,609 --> 01:16:16,649
We need to talk about your sperm.
1144
01:16:17,814 --> 01:16:18,279
I knew it.
1145
01:16:19,024 --> 01:16:21,078
It's the Jacuzzi at the gym. He boiled them, didn't he?
1146
01:16:23,250 --> 01:16:25,595
No. Actually, it's chowder.
1147
01:16:26,125 --> 01:16:28,001
Thank you. You see, Grace? It's chowder.
1148
01:16:28,710 --> 01:16:29,423
That's good, right?
1149
01:16:29,643 --> 01:16:30,094
No.
1150
01:16:30,532 --> 01:16:31,802
It's actual chowder. Corn chowder.
1151
01:16:32,532 --> 01:16:33,396
Smells good. Peppery.
1152
01:16:33,770 --> 01:16:34,711
Not gonna do you any good.
1153
01:16:36,648 --> 01:16:37,287
What are you--
1154
01:16:37,287 --> 01:16:39,158
Oh, my God, I grabbed the wrong bag.
This is Jack's lunch.
1155
01:16:44,033 --> 01:16:46,845
Jack has our baby juice?
1156
01:16:48,940 --> 01:16:49,721
Look, don't worry.
1157
01:16:49,926 --> 01:16:52,430
I'm sure Jack is smart enough--
I better get down to Barney's right away.
1158
01:16:53,127 --> 01:16:54,332
Hurry. Save little Sheila.
1159
01:16:55,442 --> 01:16:56,275
No. We talked about that.
1160
01:16:56,505 --> 01:16:57,849
No Sheila. Sheila's a whore's name.
1161
01:17:02,534 --> 01:17:03,399
You know, he's right.
1162
01:17:04,100 --> 01:17:05,724
Sheila is kind of whorey, don't you think?
1163
01:17:06,378 --> 01:17:07,974
We haven't met. Hi, I'm Sheila.
1164
01:17:14,225 --> 01:17:16,051
I am so sorry, I just--I--I...
1165
01:17:16,317 --> 01:17:18,243
Oh, don't apologize. I am a whore.
1166
01:17:25,131 --> 01:17:25,878
Terry, you gotta help me.
1167
01:17:26,722 --> 01:17:27,756
I gotta find my calling.
1168
01:17:28,363 --> 01:17:29,801
What do you think my new career should be?
1169
01:17:30,694 --> 01:17:31,478
Well, what are you looking for?
1170
01:17:32,787 --> 01:17:33,309
I don't know.
1171
01:17:33,586 --> 01:17:35,320
Something that speaks to my interests, you know?
1172
01:17:35,881 --> 01:17:39,060
Hot fashion, hot guys, hot clothes, hot pants.
Anything hot.
1173
01:17:40,943 --> 01:17:42,181
Well, uh, how about this job?
1174
01:17:44,570 --> 01:17:46,104
What are you trying to tell me, huh?
1175
01:17:46,936 --> 01:17:50,537
That what I've been hungering for this whole time
has been right in front of my face?
1176
01:17:56,819 --> 01:17:57,697
It is right here.
1177
01:17:59,592 --> 01:18:01,194
If it were a snake, it would have bit me.
1178
01:18:03,837 --> 01:18:04,810
Terry, you're a genius!
1179
01:18:05,215 --> 01:18:05,649
Thank you.
1180
01:18:06,132 --> 01:18:07,689
If we were both women, I'd marry ya.
1181
01:18:09,029 --> 01:18:13,121
Oh, from now on, I'm gonna dedicate my whole life to retail.
1182
01:18:13,636 --> 01:18:16,844
But first, I'm gonna have a nice, hot cup of soup.
1183
01:18:17,372 --> 01:18:17,990
Freeze!
1184
01:18:17,990 --> 01:18:18,292
What?
1185
01:18:18,292 --> 01:18:18,680
Don't!
1186
01:18:18,680 --> 01:18:19,061
What?
1187
01:18:19,061 --> 01:18:19,882
You've got my sperm.
1188
01:18:19,882 --> 01:18:20,496
Come again?
1189
01:18:23,631 --> 01:18:26,319
We must have switched bags this morning.
Here's your soup,
1190
01:18:26,555 --> 01:18:27,541
and I'll take my--
Tequila.
1191
01:18:28,153 --> 01:18:28,538
Wait!
1192
01:18:28,538 --> 01:18:28,819
What?
1193
01:18:28,819 --> 01:18:29,092
Don't!
1194
01:18:29,092 --> 01:18:29,475
Why?
1195
01:18:29,475 --> 01:18:30,291
You have Will's sperm!
1196
01:18:30,291 --> 01:18:32,570
Oh, dear lord! Where?! Ooh! Oh!
1197
01:18:33,509 --> 01:18:36,819
In this bag. Please tell me that
you didn't drink your lunch yet.
1198
01:18:38,041 --> 01:18:39,947
Honey, I just got done drinking breakfast.
1199
01:18:40,164 --> 01:18:42,274
You gotta give the liver a little time to digest.
1200
01:18:43,935 --> 01:18:44,653
Oh, thank God.
1201
01:18:45,791 --> 01:18:49,632
Finally, I have what I need to make my baby....
1202
01:18:50,720 --> 01:18:51,507
Mop n' Glo.
1203
01:18:53,570 --> 01:18:54,556
Rosario, it's Will!
1204
01:18:54,948 --> 01:18:56,931
Look, I think your floor wax got mixed up with my...
1205
01:18:57,469 --> 01:19:00,260
Be careful. The floor is very sticky.
1206
01:19:00,594 --> 01:19:01,345
Oh!
1207
01:19:03,197 --> 01:19:04,164
Oh!
1208
01:19:06,385 --> 01:19:06,885
I know.
1209
01:19:07,198 --> 01:19:09,073
I guess were not gonna be able to do this today.
1210
01:19:10,822 --> 01:19:12,573
Oh! I'm so disappointed.
1211
01:19:13,595 --> 01:19:14,380
I was all ready to...
1212
01:19:15,168 --> 01:19:15,979
leggo of my eggo.
1213
01:19:18,948 --> 01:19:20,501
Meet me back at the apartment.
We'll talk about it.
1214
01:19:22,511 --> 01:19:23,909
All right. I'll be there as soon as I can.
1215
01:19:24,605 --> 01:19:26,796
Grace, quit stealing medical supplies and get out of there.
1216
01:19:28,823 --> 01:19:29,640
You don't know me.
1217
01:19:34,720 --> 01:19:35,690
Ah, Smitty.
1218
01:19:36,192 --> 01:19:37,390
I'm having a little hubby trouble.
1219
01:19:38,230 --> 01:19:40,689
How about cheering me up with one of your jokes?
1220
01:19:41,411 --> 01:19:44,402
I'm afraid I'm not in much of a joking mood.
1221
01:19:44,689 --> 01:19:49,378
You see, my wife died Christmas,
and I just haven't been myself since.
1222
01:20:02,608 --> 01:20:06,828
Ah, Smitty. You always know just what to say.
1223
01:20:10,703 --> 01:20:13,016
You have a very delightful chuckle.
1224
01:20:13,641 --> 01:20:14,743
Oh, thank you.
1225
01:20:15,483 --> 01:20:16,344
They're real, too.
1226
01:20:18,891 --> 01:20:19,483
Lionel Banks.
1227
01:20:21,046 --> 01:20:23,811
Lionel, like the train. Banks, like money.
And you are?
1228
01:20:24,827 --> 01:20:26,078
Anastasia Beaverhousen.
1229
01:20:29,908 --> 01:20:31,507
Anastasia, like Russian royalty.
1230
01:20:32,673 --> 01:20:33,643
Beaverhousen, like...
1231
01:20:35,109 --> 01:20:36,135
where the beaver live.
1232
01:20:38,947 --> 01:20:39,703
Dynamite.
1233
01:20:40,895 --> 01:20:44,974
What brings you to this lush paradise,
Miss Beaver...housen?
1234
01:20:48,360 --> 01:20:49,260
Oh...I don't know, really.
1235
01:20:50,020 --> 01:20:51,237
Just killing time, I suppose.
1236
01:20:52,453 --> 01:20:54,050
Waiting for something good to happen.
1237
01:20:55,502 --> 01:20:56,235
Interesting.
1238
01:20:57,581 --> 01:20:59,020
I was just doing the same thing.
1239
01:20:59,914 --> 01:21:01,548
Looks like my wait is over.
1240
01:21:03,425 --> 01:21:04,114
Well, well.
1241
01:21:05,347 --> 01:21:06,610
Where did you come from, Lionel?
1242
01:21:07,240 --> 01:21:09,800
Did the Smooth-Talking Gigolo Convention let out early?
1243
01:21:12,367 --> 01:21:17,043
Listen, why don't we continue this
in my very comfortable suite upstairs?
1244
01:21:18,082 --> 01:21:20,555
I've got loads of cash, so time is no issue.
1245
01:21:22,820 --> 01:21:24,850
Mr. Banks, you think I'm a hooker?!
1246
01:21:26,863 --> 01:21:29,886
That body, those clothes, that voice?
Yes.
1247
01:21:32,899 --> 01:21:33,730
Well...
1248
01:21:34,443 --> 01:21:37,148
As flattered as I am by that,
I'm afraid I have to disappoint you.
1249
01:21:40,886 --> 01:21:42,208
You don't have sex for money?
1250
01:21:42,649 --> 01:21:43,574
No, I do not!
1251
01:21:43,795 --> 01:21:47,082
For jewels, for furs, for mixed securities, like a lady!
1252
01:21:49,989 --> 01:21:52,668
But for money? How dare you?!
1253
01:21:55,117 --> 01:21:56,208
A thousand apologies.
1254
01:21:57,274 --> 01:22:05,056
I don't suppose there's any way you might forgive me for
my highly inappropriate gaffe and allow me to buy you a drink?
1255
01:22:06,136 --> 01:22:06,819
Well...
1256
01:22:07,731 --> 01:22:09,337
that's very kind of you, Mr. Banks, but
1257
01:22:10,493 --> 01:22:12,336
I don't think that's such a good idea.
1258
01:22:13,777 --> 01:22:14,859
Is there a problem, my sweet?
1259
01:22:16,684 --> 01:22:17,731
You're not married, are you?
1260
01:22:18,524 --> 01:22:19,432
Well, as a matter of fact...
1261
01:22:22,929 --> 01:22:23,619
no, I'm not.
1262
01:22:31,742 --> 01:22:32,712
This is so depressing.
1263
01:22:34,681 --> 01:22:38,185
I was so sure that by the end of the day today,
I would be with child.
1264
01:22:39,750 --> 01:22:41,775
Instead, I'm just with doughnut.
1265
01:22:44,453 --> 01:22:45,712
Well, you're still ovulating, right?
1266
01:22:46,557 --> 01:22:48,900
Well, first thing tomorrow, we'll go down to the sperm bank,
we'll start all over again.
1267
01:22:49,559 --> 01:22:50,621
Oh, gosh.
1268
01:22:52,170 --> 01:22:54,466
There's gotta be an easier way to do this.
1269
01:22:55,182 --> 01:22:58,667
I mean, there's what, five billion people in the world?
1270
01:22:58,923 --> 01:22:59,436
I know.
1271
01:22:59,838 --> 01:23:01,511
And Mia Farrow's got, like, four billion of 'em.
1272
01:23:05,667 --> 01:23:07,904
If there was only a way to make this all simpler.
1273
01:23:08,342 --> 01:23:08,798
You know?
1274
01:23:09,951 --> 01:23:11,279
Just cut out the middle man.
1275
01:23:11,864 --> 01:23:12,395
Yeah, I know.
1276
01:23:13,140 --> 01:23:15,949
Feels like there's this obvious solution
that's just staring us in the face.
1277
01:23:24,811 --> 01:23:29,435
Oh, Karen, I'm so glad you got Will and Grace this hotel room
to consummate their dysfunctional relationship.
1278
01:23:30,895 --> 01:23:35,907
Well, honey, I figured since he's gay and
she's a handlebar mustache away from being gay herself...
1279
01:23:37,716 --> 01:23:39,748
A frilly hotel room makes perfect sense.
1280
01:23:40,770 --> 01:23:41,344
How do you figure?
1281
01:23:41,966 --> 01:23:42,501
Oh, honey...
1282
01:23:43,146 --> 01:23:43,623
I don't care.
1283
01:23:47,030 --> 01:23:48,739
You know, I'm really glad they're doing this.
1284
01:23:49,407 --> 01:23:51,953
Maybe once Will's done with her,
he can quit comin' after me.
1285
01:23:52,895 --> 01:23:56,688
I swear, sometimes he gives me looks like
I haven't seen since I was an altar boy at Saint Margaret's.
1286
01:24:00,429 --> 01:24:03,095
You know, honey, I got the same thing with Grace.
1287
01:24:03,439 --> 01:24:06,805
I'm telling you, that girl is running out
of excuses to get near my breasts.
1288
01:24:08,579 --> 01:24:09,518
"Karen, pick up that phone."
1289
01:24:10,720 --> 01:24:12,064
"Karen, will you send this fax?"
1290
01:24:12,970 --> 01:24:16,033
"Karen, get your boobs away from my face."
1291
01:24:19,680 --> 01:24:23,877
Well, I brought something that no straight
love-making experience would be complete without.
1292
01:24:24,493 --> 01:24:25,159
A little gay porn.
1293
01:24:27,738 --> 01:24:29,802
Honey, come on. Let's get into position. Come on!
1294
01:24:37,224 --> 01:24:38,024
Oh, here they are!
1295
01:24:38,252 --> 01:24:38,681
Oh!
1296
01:24:38,899 --> 01:24:40,787
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
1297
01:24:43,210 --> 01:24:47,222
I haven't had two people cheering me to have sex
since I brought a Jewish doctor home for Thanksgiving.
1298
01:24:49,243 --> 01:24:51,573
Oh, honey. I'm so excited for you.
1299
01:24:54,881 --> 01:24:57,435
Karen, get your boobs away from my face!
1300
01:24:58,069 --> 01:24:58,912
Wha--I--What'd I tell you?
1301
01:25:01,787 --> 01:25:03,506
Ooh! I can't wait!
This is gonna be disgusting!
1302
01:25:05,578 --> 01:25:09,091
Hey, where's the zoom on this thing?
I'm gonna need to make everything look bigger.
1303
01:25:22,655 --> 01:25:22,996
Ok.
1304
01:25:23,539 --> 01:25:24,006
Yeah.
1305
01:25:27,478 --> 01:25:28,100
So, here we are.
1306
01:25:29,274 --> 01:25:30,278
Time to make a baby.
1307
01:25:32,070 --> 01:25:32,585
A baby.
1308
01:25:33,773 --> 01:25:34,561
MBaby!
1309
01:25:39,712 --> 01:25:40,197
So...
1310
01:25:41,664 --> 01:25:42,305
Yeah.
1311
01:26:22,369 --> 01:26:24,341
Ok. Let's get started.
1312
01:26:24,877 --> 01:26:26,213
All right. Here we go.
1313
01:26:27,206 --> 01:26:28,043
Makin' a baby.
1314
01:26:30,713 --> 01:26:31,590
Doin' the deed.
1315
01:26:33,579 --> 01:26:35,386
Down and dirty.
1316
01:26:36,733 --> 01:26:38,435
This isn't working for me.
1317
01:26:43,076 --> 01:26:45,837
This isn't gonna be a problem, right?
I mean, come on. I mean, we're friends.
1318
01:26:46,046 --> 01:26:49,837
We've seen each other naked a hundred times.
1319
01:26:50,326 --> 01:26:51,648
Cinchy. Right?
1320
01:26:53,796 --> 01:26:55,856
All right. Here we go.
1321
01:26:59,916 --> 01:27:00,506
Start goin'.
1322
01:27:00,836 --> 01:27:01,270
Yeah, that's me.
1323
01:27:24,448 --> 01:27:25,207
You know, we--we really don't need to kiss.
1324
01:27:25,207 --> 01:27:25,979
Kissing is not necessary.
1325
01:27:25,979 --> 01:27:26,613
Who needs kissing?
1326
01:27:26,833 --> 01:27:28,082
It--it seems--
1327
01:27:29,416 --> 01:27:30,822
I'm just gonna--
I'll just, uh--
1328
01:27:31,759 --> 01:27:32,555
take your shirt off.
1329
01:27:41,990 --> 01:27:43,300
You know what? I can do this with my shirt on.
1330
01:27:43,300 --> 01:27:45,141
True! True! That's...
1331
01:27:47,176 --> 01:27:49,506
You know what? I mean--I mean-- you don't need these.
1332
01:27:51,671 --> 01:27:54,643
If anything, these hurt the process, right?
1333
01:27:55,922 --> 01:27:57,037
Twist my arm!
1334
01:28:00,046 --> 01:28:04,921
Basically, all I really need is--is that... there.
1335
01:28:10,953 --> 01:28:12,349
Therein lies the problem.
1336
01:28:33,346 --> 01:28:35,940
Maybe... maybe we should just try a different approach.
1337
01:28:36,597 --> 01:28:38,139
Yeah, you know, we--we--we don't need the romance.
1338
01:28:38,497 --> 01:28:40,261
Let's just-- let's just get raw.
1339
01:28:40,887 --> 01:28:41,942
You know, let's get savage.
1340
01:28:43,090 --> 01:28:44,327
Ok. You know what? We should just--
1341
01:28:44,543 --> 01:28:46,730
we should just attack each other like animals, you know?
1342
01:28:47,136 --> 01:28:48,439
Just like, you know, paw at each other...
1343
01:28:48,782 --> 01:28:49,854
Right?
1344
01:28:50,604 --> 01:28:51,063
That's good.
1345
01:28:51,618 --> 01:28:52,448
Yeah? Paw at you.
1346
01:28:53,542 --> 01:28:54,186
Yeah... That's
1347
01:28:54,186 --> 01:28:54,760
Hey. Show me what you got.
1348
01:28:55,104 --> 01:28:56,326
A little hot love paw.
1349
01:29:00,789 --> 01:29:01,791
Grace! What the hell are you doing?!
1350
01:29:02,118 --> 01:29:04,353
I was being raw and savage like you said!
1351
01:29:05,135 --> 01:29:05,979
Well, it's not working.
1352
01:29:07,134 --> 01:29:08,351
No wonder you have trouble keeping boyfriends.
1353
01:29:08,564 --> 01:29:09,322
They can't get insurance.
1354
01:29:14,131 --> 01:29:14,929
Ok, all right, that's it.
1355
01:29:15,381 --> 01:29:18,341
I am going into the bathroom and getting naked.
1356
01:29:18,945 --> 01:29:21,475
You get under the covers and get ready for action.
1357
01:29:23,037 --> 01:29:25,604
'Cause when I come out,
we're gonna put that babymaker to work.
1358
01:29:32,373 --> 01:29:33,247
WILL: You do this for me...
1359
01:29:34,900 --> 01:29:36,662
and I'll--
I'll get you those leather pants you've been eyeing.
1360
01:29:40,475 --> 01:29:42,757
Oh, thank you so much.
1361
01:29:43,411 --> 01:29:46,690
Yeah. Listen, I'd love to give you a tip,
but I don't seem to--
1362
01:29:47,192 --> 01:29:50,068
Oh, wait a minute. Here you go. Ok.
1363
01:29:57,127 --> 01:30:00,817
Why, Lionel Banks, you filthy old man.
1364
01:30:08,534 --> 01:30:09,240
I heard the bell.
1365
01:30:09,817 --> 01:30:10,604
Are my pizzas here?
1366
01:30:12,586 --> 01:30:15,658
Oh, no, no. Just some flowers for me.
1367
01:30:16,554 --> 01:30:17,064
Oh, good.
1368
01:30:17,064 --> 01:30:17,845
Are you dead?
1369
01:30:22,813 --> 01:30:25,891
Good one, Ro-Ro. That's a good one.
1370
01:30:26,467 --> 01:30:27,100
Who are they from?
1371
01:30:28,251 --> 01:30:30,125
Oh, uh, Stan. They're from Stan.
1372
01:30:31,436 --> 01:30:32,314
Yeah, he likes to celebrate...
1373
01:30:34,000 --> 01:30:35,689
Tony Roma's birthday.
1374
01:30:37,429 --> 01:30:37,971
Liar!
1375
01:30:38,533 --> 01:30:39,845
Tony's birthday is in the fall.
1376
01:30:41,143 --> 01:30:41,720
Come on, give me the card, come here.
1377
01:30:41,720 --> 01:30:42,216
No! No!
1378
01:30:42,216 --> 01:30:42,426
Give it to me! Give it to me!
1379
01:30:42,748 --> 01:30:43,082
No! No!
1380
01:30:43,387 --> 01:30:44,560
Come on.
1381
01:30:48,000 --> 01:30:49,936
Lady, don't think I won't go in there.
1382
01:30:51,404 --> 01:30:52,747
You wouldn't dare.
1383
01:30:53,091 --> 01:30:53,747
Yeah, you're right.
1384
01:30:55,340 --> 01:30:56,060
Well...
1385
01:30:58,498 --> 01:31:03,154
Oh! Oh, oh, oh. No! Stop! Don't!
1386
01:31:03,640 --> 01:31:06,119
To the right! Pinch it! Stop!
1387
01:31:12,047 --> 01:31:13,278
Who's Lionel Banks?
1388
01:31:13,891 --> 01:31:16,899
Uh, he's the new bass player
in my Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band.
1389
01:31:18,274 --> 01:31:22,966
Sweet home Alabama, where the skies are--
1390
01:31:23,229 --> 01:31:23,716
Lady...!
1391
01:31:24,619 --> 01:31:25,213
All right!
1392
01:31:26,362 --> 01:31:28,807
I met him in a bar, he flirted with me.
He thought I was a whore.
1393
01:31:30,578 --> 01:31:31,337
Made me feel...
1394
01:31:33,109 --> 01:31:34,056
I don't know, special.
1395
01:31:36,953 --> 01:31:37,993
But it's nothing.
1396
01:31:39,524 --> 01:31:40,891
Then why aren't you wearing your wedding ring?
1397
01:31:41,932 --> 01:31:43,805
RAre you thinking about cheating with this man?
1398
01:31:44,483 --> 01:31:45,806
Abandoning Mr. Stan?
1399
01:31:46,287 --> 01:31:48,679
No! Yes! Maybe! I don't know! I--
1400
01:31:49,512 --> 01:31:50,554
Oh, my P'Zone is here!
1401
01:31:55,180 --> 01:31:58,975
Jack, as you may have heard,
Dorleen's manager position has become available.
1402
01:31:59,429 --> 01:32:00,738
Yeah, what happened to her?
1403
01:32:01,085 --> 01:32:03,551
Rehab. Big fan of the nose candy.
1404
01:32:03,761 --> 01:32:06,387
Blow, snow, ice.
All of it just hoovered right up the snout.
1405
01:32:07,645 --> 01:32:08,176
Any snootch...
1406
01:32:09,394 --> 01:32:13,180
We're looking for a new floor manager,
and Tristan and moi would like to offer it to you.
1407
01:32:14,304 --> 01:32:18,237
Me?! Manager?!
1408
01:32:19,541 --> 01:32:20,962
No. Floor manager.
1409
01:32:21,519 --> 01:32:24,018
That's even better. It's a two-word title,
like homecoming queen.
1410
01:32:28,166 --> 01:32:30,112
Come on, Grace.
How long does it take to get undressed?
1411
01:32:30,787 --> 01:32:31,707
Just give me another minute!
1412
01:32:32,916 --> 01:32:33,835
Steal stuff later!
1413
01:32:37,259 --> 01:32:38,393
We don't need another scale.
1414
01:32:43,425 --> 01:32:44,548
I can't do this.
1415
01:32:45,641 --> 01:32:46,268
Why? What's wrong?
1416
01:32:49,846 --> 01:32:50,788
Will, you're my best friend.
1417
01:32:51,820 --> 01:32:52,296
I love you.
1418
01:32:53,391 --> 01:32:55,041
I love what we have together and...
1419
01:32:56,203 --> 01:32:57,221
I don't want it to change.
1420
01:32:58,831 --> 01:33:01,082
Sex changes things. It always does.
1421
01:33:03,101 --> 01:33:08,828
We'll end up not calling, being awkward together,
sleeping with the other person's friends just to spite them.
1422
01:33:15,091 --> 01:33:16,689
Ok, I might be personalizing on that one.
1423
01:33:21,422 --> 01:33:22,231
All I'm trying to say is...
1424
01:33:23,762 --> 01:33:27,762
if we're gonna bring a baby into the world,
there can't be any weirdness between us.
1425
01:33:29,841 --> 01:33:31,471
So, I don't think I can do it this way.
1426
01:33:33,900 --> 01:33:34,545
Are you mad at me?
1427
01:33:37,479 --> 01:33:38,167
Yeah... maybe a little.
1428
01:33:49,511 --> 01:33:51,688
Here they are, Jack.
The keys to your new office.
1429
01:33:52,667 --> 01:33:55,757
Oh, my god.
I've never had my own office before.
1430
01:33:57,042 --> 01:33:59,854
I will try to honor the legacy of the bipolar
blow monkey who had it before me.
1431
01:34:03,720 --> 01:34:08,033
Oh, and Jack, uh, you got this message.
Something about a voice-over audition this afternoon.
1432
01:34:08,398 --> 01:34:09,649
You're not really going to do this, are you?
1433
01:34:10,788 --> 01:34:11,385
Absolutely not!
1434
01:34:12,381 --> 01:34:13,976
Show business is a harsh bitch of a mistress
1435
01:34:14,195 --> 01:34:17,337
who kicked me in the gut one too many times
until I heaved up the regret of a millions yesteryears!
1436
01:34:21,273 --> 01:34:21,712
Huh?
1437
01:34:22,948 --> 01:34:23,498
I quit the biz.
1438
01:34:24,747 --> 01:34:26,386
My ass belongs to Barney's now.
1439
01:34:27,372 --> 01:34:28,021
Smart lady.
1440
01:34:28,662 --> 01:34:29,786
Enjoy your new office.
1441
01:34:32,947 --> 01:34:34,694
My own orifice.
1442
01:34:37,570 --> 01:34:38,162
I've arrived.
1443
01:35:40,939 --> 01:35:44,335
Homo, I don't think we're in Barney's anymore.
1444
01:35:50,467 --> 01:35:50,949
Where am I?
1445
01:35:51,395 --> 01:35:52,404
You're in heaven, Jack.
1446
01:36:06,338 --> 01:36:08,047
So, are you God?
1447
01:36:10,747 --> 01:36:12,934
It depends on which bathhouse you pray at.
1448
01:36:19,376 --> 01:36:21,588
Oh...my...Cher!
1449
01:36:23,055 --> 01:36:24,143
You are God!
1450
01:36:24,997 --> 01:36:26,653
Chastity, Elijah. It all makes sense.
1451
01:36:30,462 --> 01:36:33,307
Wait a minute. If this is heaven,
does that mean I've died?
1452
01:36:33,900 --> 01:36:35,122
Only the entertainer part of you, Jack.
1453
01:36:36,837 --> 01:36:37,764
That's why I sent for you.
1454
01:36:38,576 --> 01:36:39,835
The world needs you.
1455
01:36:40,809 --> 01:36:42,105
But I can't go back to performing.
1456
01:36:42,712 --> 01:36:43,921
I've already broken it to my fan.
1457
01:36:48,337 --> 01:36:49,836
I'm a retail queen now.
1458
01:36:51,149 --> 01:36:51,856
No, you're not, Jackie.
1459
01:36:52,934 --> 01:36:56,180
You're the little boy who used to dance
naked in front of his mirror.
1460
01:36:56,871 --> 01:36:57,605
Who grew up and--
1461
01:36:58,364 --> 01:37:03,131
and became that sensitive young teenager
who danced naked in front of his mirror.
1462
01:37:04,523 --> 01:37:10,645
And spent way too much time at the gym to become
the young man who dances naked in front of his mirror.
1463
01:37:11,710 --> 01:37:13,010
Don't ever stop dancing, Jack.
1464
01:37:13,427 --> 01:37:14,635
Don't ever stop dancing.
1465
01:37:15,271 --> 01:37:16,457
Show business needs you.
1466
01:37:17,636 --> 01:37:20,260
But if it needs me, how come I keep getting rejected?
1467
01:37:20,677 --> 01:37:22,698
You know, don't talk to me about rejection, ok?
1468
01:37:25,610 --> 01:37:27,863
I mean, look how many times I've gone down in flames.
1469
01:37:28,704 --> 01:37:31,207
Remember, I lost the Oscar for Moonstruck.
1470
01:37:35,800 --> 01:37:37,329
But you won the Oscar for Moonstruck!
1471
01:37:37,329 --> 01:37:38,444
And don't you forget it.
1472
01:37:42,582 --> 01:37:43,926
And if that doesn't convince you...
1473
01:37:45,516 --> 01:37:46,766
Hit it, boys!
1474
01:37:47,501 --> 01:37:50,984
This is a different kind of love song,
1475
01:37:51,506 --> 01:37:54,255
dedicated to everyone.
1476
01:37:55,268 --> 01:37:58,329
Different kind of love song...
1477
01:38:01,234 --> 01:38:02,630
Stop it! Stop it!
1478
01:38:06,108 --> 01:38:07,858
You're hawking your album during my dream?!
1479
01:38:10,606 --> 01:38:13,409
Well, somebody's gotta pay for the fog
and the dancing fairies.
1480
01:38:16,140 --> 01:38:18,481
Remember, Jack, follow your bliss.
1481
01:38:19,194 --> 01:38:20,356
Follow your bliss, Jack.
1482
01:38:21,002 --> 01:38:22,162
Follow your bliss.
1483
01:38:24,171 --> 01:38:25,127
Follow your bliss.
1484
01:38:25,949 --> 01:38:27,036
Uh, my bliss is this way.
1485
01:38:32,340 --> 01:38:33,326
Follow your bliss.
1486
01:38:36,421 --> 01:38:37,479
Follow your bliss.
1487
01:38:39,697 --> 01:38:42,012
Jack. Jack? Wake up!
1488
01:38:44,012 --> 01:38:44,604
What's going...
1489
01:38:48,337 --> 01:38:48,889
What's going on?
1490
01:38:49,384 --> 01:38:51,966
Robert just bitch-slapped Terry
because he pulled on his weave.
1491
01:38:54,197 --> 01:38:55,851
You better get down to women's shoes, pronzo.
1492
01:38:56,247 --> 01:38:58,087
It's a festival of tears and queers down there.
1493
01:39:00,007 --> 01:39:01,789
I'm sorry, Ruben. No can do.
1494
01:39:02,384 --> 01:39:03,823
What? But you're the floor manager.
1495
01:39:04,444 --> 01:39:05,340
Not anymore.
1496
01:39:05,340 --> 01:39:08,506
I'm a professional actor,
and I have a non-union voice-over audition to go to.
1497
01:39:18,445 --> 01:39:20,413
You know, they charge for the bath robes.
1498
01:39:23,317 --> 01:39:23,996
Well, just as well.
1499
01:39:25,179 --> 01:39:28,097
I never would have been able to cram it
in there with the VCR and The Bible.
1500
01:39:39,378 --> 01:39:42,220
And to think, I missed a shot in the sack with that.
1501
01:39:43,551 --> 01:39:44,034
Yeah.
1502
01:39:45,283 --> 01:39:46,118
What are we gonna do about that?
1503
01:39:47,706 --> 01:39:50,113
Well, if we don't do it today,
we'll have to wait another month.
1504
01:39:51,752 --> 01:39:53,972
It's so weird that your eggs
have an expiration date, you know?
1505
01:39:57,564 --> 01:39:58,911
They're like... eggs.
1506
01:40:02,284 --> 01:40:04,869
Anyway, I figured we'd go back to the insemination plan.
1507
01:40:05,502 --> 01:40:07,623
So, I booked you into the sperm bank at 10:00.
1508
01:40:08,155 --> 01:40:09,939
We've got an appointment at my gyno's at 12:00.
1509
01:40:10,846 --> 01:40:12,658
And then, bing, bang, boom, we're pregnant.
1510
01:40:14,064 --> 01:40:16,313
Actually, not bang; just a bing and a boom.
1511
01:40:21,155 --> 01:40:22,439
So, you're still sure you want to do this?
1512
01:40:23,132 --> 01:40:23,690
Absolutely.
1513
01:40:25,280 --> 01:40:31,751
Ok, I know that I was a little freaked out
before about waiting for Mr. Right, but it's a fantasy.
1514
01:40:32,247 --> 01:40:35,939
I mean, what am I waiting for,
some guy to ride up on a white horse?
1515
01:40:37,176 --> 01:40:37,841
Grace...
1516
01:40:44,561 --> 01:40:47,115
Come with me and be my looove.
1517
01:40:51,150 --> 01:40:53,029
I fantasize about the guy, not the horse.
1518
01:40:58,487 --> 01:40:59,279
Ok, let's do a final check.
1519
01:40:59,618 --> 01:41:00,248
You've got the stuff,
1520
01:41:00,876 --> 01:41:01,653
I've got the place to put it,
1521
01:41:02,391 --> 01:41:03,733
and two Kit Kat bars for energy.
1522
01:41:07,275 --> 01:41:07,994
We're good to go.
1523
01:41:08,311 --> 01:41:08,828
Yeah.
1524
01:41:09,684 --> 01:41:10,947
Nothing can go wrong now.
1525
01:41:12,993 --> 01:41:13,713
What did you just say?
1526
01:41:15,743 --> 01:41:16,681
I said, "nothing can go wrong."
1527
01:41:17,045 --> 01:41:19,932
I can't believe you just said that!
You put a ken ayina hora on it!
1528
01:41:23,149 --> 01:41:24,212
What did you just say?
1529
01:41:24,920 --> 01:41:26,649
You put a ken ayina hora on it.
1530
01:41:26,854 --> 01:41:30,400
A Jewish jinx. You jinxed it.
Quick, quick. Knock on wood.
1531
01:41:30,990 --> 01:41:32,990
Don't. You're-- you're spitting on me!
1532
01:41:33,421 --> 01:41:36,608
Hey, cabbie, you wouldn't happen to have
the guts of a young chicken and some kosher salt?
1533
01:41:37,194 --> 01:41:38,086
Does it have to be kosher?
1534
01:41:42,712 --> 01:41:44,944
All right, that's it. We gotta get another cab. Pull over.
1535
01:41:45,264 --> 01:41:45,833
What are you talking about?
1536
01:41:46,180 --> 01:41:49,918
I'm not driving to our fertilization in a jinxed cab.
1537
01:41:50,167 --> 01:41:51,899
What, does the next one have to be driven by a rabbi?
1538
01:41:53,472 --> 01:41:54,386
It wouldn't hurt.
1539
01:41:56,510 --> 01:41:57,354
Come on, come on.
1540
01:41:58,542 --> 01:42:02,646
I'm about to break the heart of a lovely man
whose only crime is wanting to get in my pants.
1541
01:42:05,208 --> 01:42:07,252
Come on. Give me something to smile about.
1542
01:42:07,932 --> 01:42:09,877
Well, I'm not sure I can do that, ma'am.
1543
01:42:10,238 --> 01:42:15,863
You see, I'm getting laid off.
Today's my last day, and I have seven kids to feed.
1544
01:42:23,332 --> 01:42:25,926
Not as good as the wife one, but-- but still...
1545
01:42:26,820 --> 01:42:27,548
Pretty damn funny.
1546
01:42:30,143 --> 01:42:31,831
Ahh, Ms. Beaverhousen.
1547
01:42:32,943 --> 01:42:34,328
I came as soon as you called.
1548
01:42:35,301 --> 01:42:35,984
Oh, well...
1549
01:42:36,734 --> 01:42:40,546
that's really none of my business,
but I'm glad you could make it.
1550
01:42:45,436 --> 01:42:47,176
I'm going to cut right to the chase.
1551
01:42:47,984 --> 01:42:49,483
I got us the Presidential Suite.
1552
01:42:50,630 --> 01:42:53,201
The bed is turned, the bath is drawn,
1553
01:42:53,921 --> 01:42:58,765
and there's a handy Filipino fellow
ready to attend to whatever needs that I can't meet.
1554
01:43:01,234 --> 01:43:01,752
Shall we?
1555
01:43:03,786 --> 01:43:05,887
I didn't come here for a rendezvous.
I came here to tell you something.
1556
01:43:08,231 --> 01:43:13,105
When I said before that I wasn't married...
I was lying. I am married.
1557
01:43:15,451 --> 01:43:16,854
Well, I appreciate your honesty.
1558
01:43:19,067 --> 01:43:21,015
And now, I'm going to be honest with you.
1559
01:43:23,389 --> 01:43:24,604
I don't care.
1560
01:43:28,761 --> 01:43:29,947
Huh? B--? What?
1561
01:43:31,046 --> 01:43:32,061
Here's the key to the room.
1562
01:43:34,527 --> 01:43:39,886
If you're not there in five minutes, I'm going to commence
with what my house boy calls "the manila folder."
1563
01:43:43,931 --> 01:43:44,998
I hope I see you.
1564
01:43:59,975 --> 01:44:01,792
Thank God we got out of that jinxed cab.
1565
01:44:02,747 --> 01:44:03,667
Nothing can go wrong now.
1566
01:44:05,881 --> 01:44:08,506
Damn it! I ken ayina hora-ed myself!
1567
01:44:09,372 --> 01:44:10,427
We're gonna miss our appointment!
1568
01:44:11,246 --> 01:44:13,654
Ok, look, it's right across the park.
I can run for it. Give me the bag, quick.
1569
01:44:14,259 --> 01:44:15,162
No, I'll run. I'm faster.
1570
01:44:16,788 --> 01:44:19,942
If you get there with the sperm,
where are they gonna put it?
1571
01:44:21,337 --> 01:44:21,942
You take the bag.
1572
01:44:24,088 --> 01:44:25,131
Hey, wait, wait, wait!
1573
01:44:25,653 --> 01:44:27,154
None's going anywhere till I get paid.
1574
01:44:27,662 --> 01:44:29,287
I don't have to pay you. You crashed!
1575
01:44:29,631 --> 01:44:30,274
Just give me half.
1576
01:44:31,943 --> 01:44:32,902
I'm not giving you anything!
1577
01:44:33,432 --> 01:44:35,065
Come on, haggle with me!
1578
01:44:44,180 --> 01:44:44,564
Hi, Grace.
1579
01:44:44,564 --> 01:44:44,993
Hi, Jack.
1580
01:44:44,993 --> 01:44:45,628
Going to my audition.
1581
01:44:45,628 --> 01:44:46,158
Going to make a baby.
1582
01:44:46,158 --> 01:44:46,565
Good luck.
1583
01:44:46,565 --> 01:44:47,502
Good luck to you, too.
1584
01:44:54,283 --> 01:44:56,587
We're about to close. Where's your girlfriend?
1585
01:44:57,438 --> 01:45:00,909
I'd like to fill her to the rim with him
and catch the bus to Atlantic City.
1586
01:45:04,908 --> 01:45:06,367
Look, she's gonna be here any minute.
1587
01:45:21,844 --> 01:45:22,377
Hi...
1588
01:45:35,645 --> 01:45:39,395
What happens? Find out this fall
on the next exciting episode of--
1589
01:45:39,395 --> 01:45:42,246
Stop, stop. Uh, Mr. McFarland,
what's with the voice?
1590
01:45:44,581 --> 01:45:46,059
This is how an announcer talks.
1591
01:45:48,338 --> 01:45:49,530
Ok, we'll call you.
1592
01:45:50,985 --> 01:45:53,122
Yes! Oh, my god. This is so exciting!
126584
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