Original subtitles

Twenty-five years ago,

my parents were the most popular teenagers in America.

It's true!

My dad was a teen idol.

Venus Goddess of love that you are

Girls threw themselves at him.

Unfortunately, this was 1962, and he had to throw them back.

When Dad wasn't singing, he spent his life on a surfboard.

They called him the "Big Kahuna".

When l was born, Dad wanted to call me "Little Kahuna".

Luckily, he settled for "Bobby".

As for Mom, she joined that strange cult called the "Mouseketeers".

Beauty is as beauty does That's what wise men say

Now, if you would be beautiful Do this every day

Hi, Mouseketeers. I'm Annette.

For neatness really pays

She became the first pinup queen for boys under 12.

Anyhow, they got married and moved to Ohio

right after the accident.

Don't get him started on the surf accident.

Around our house, we have a nightly ritual.

It's called "dinner and then the accident story".

Let me spare you this.

Twenty years ago while surfing,

this humongous wave knocked the kahuna right out of Dad,

and he's never been the same since.

Hold it! Hold it! The hair, did you wet the hair?

Don't wet the hair. Try to get the water here, OK?

Jamie, is my hair OK? Good, OK.

OK.

Hi, need a car?

This is my dad now.

The closest he gets to the ocean these days

is when he plays the Surf King in order to sell cars on TV.

...your next car, but you know what?

Yep, the Big Kahuna now owns Friendly Ford,

the largest dealership in Ohio.

It means he worries a lot,

works longer hours than a coalminer

and can be pretty grouchy sometimes.

Fleishman, massage this baby and make her look pretty like the rest.

What's the matter with you guys?

It's not that he's a creep or anything.

l think Dad just forgot how to have fun.

This is our house in Ohio, and this is my mom now.

She's still the most cheerful person on earth,

although she did develop this one little quirk.

Bobby, come get your lunch.

As for me, l developed a serious identity crisis

and was at the breaking point.

l couldn't live like this anymore.

One day, l cracked.

It was time to confront Mom with her problem.

I'm afraid.

You're afraid of lunch?

Bobby, no one's afraid of lunch.

l am because l know exactly,

unfailingly and with an absolute certainty what's in there.

It's been in there every day of my life!

It's peanut butter, isn't it, Mom? Isn't it?!

Well, you know, l believe it is.

What do you mean, "l believe it is"?

Of course it is.

You know there's peanut butter in there.

It's like a sick kind of fixation with you.

Well, it's good for you. You need it.

No, Ma.

You need oxygen.

l don't know how to break this to you,

but peanut butter is not one of the elements essential to human life.

Wait a minute, let me get this straight.

Are you saying that you don't like peanut butter?

Ma, I'm just saying l need a change.

Something different once in a while.

A little variety.

Well, why didn't you just say so?

Tomorrow, you get the Chunky.

It was useless.

l was stressed.

Dad was developing some serious stress problems too,

from his relentless obsession with selling,

selling, selling.

What are all the salesmen doing, sleeping?

And although Mom wouldn't recognize stress if it jumped up and bit her,

she was also getting pretty weird from spending so much time shopping,

shopping, and yes, that's right, more shopping.

Something had to give.

After 15 years, Dad sensed trouble

and finally realized we all needed a break.

A vacation?

So we're off to Hawaii.

Fun place for a kid who only wears black.

Hey, babe, how about a Cuervo Gold?

Now, you know l can't do that,

but would you like a little, junior pilot pin?

Whoop-dee-doo.

Maybe l should just pin it to your cheek.

Bobby, dear, l hope you're not being any trouble.

That hair, that smile, those...

You're Annette!

It must be so wonderful being you.

Why, yes, it is.

And you're the Big Chihuahua!

"Kahuna", but that's way back in the past.

Now I'm a stressed-out car salesman.

Say, would you like to hear about an accident l once had?

- Oh, no. - I'll pass.

Jeez, l wish l could call the office and find out what's going on.

Oh, don't think about work now, sweetheart.

Just concentrate on relaxing and having fun again.

Oh, Annette, l want to, it's just that l hope l remember how.

There's one thing l do remember:

How much l love you.

But the years have hardened me, Annette.

They certainly hardened your hair.

Honey!

It's all right, l was just fixing his hat.

We will be serving dinner in our main cabin shortly.

For those of you who ordered special meals, good move.

Great! Dinner!

Bobby, did l ever tell you the time l was surfing...?

See, what'd l tell you? Dinner and then the accident story.

Dad, does the phrase "get over it" mean anything to you?

Yeah? Does the expression "a rap in the mouth" mean anything to you?

- Honey! - He keeps needling me.

- Do not! - Do to!

Stop it, boys! l don't want this to happen when we get to Los Angeles.

- l thought we were going to Hawaii. - We're stopping to see your sister.

- Sandi. - No, Dad, don't!

My little baby, my honey bunny, my lamby whammy.

This is why we don't travel.

l hope the bags don't take too long. We've only got a ten-hour layover.

That's perfect. Oh, there it is. Here.

- Where's the movie stars? - What?

l thought LA was supposed to be loaded with movie stars,

rock 'n' rollers, celebrities.

Oh, honey, that's just what all Midwesterners think.

LA is just like any other place.

Excuse me, but l believe this is my bag.

Oh, I'm sorry, of course, mine's leatherette.

- And this seems to be... - Pigskin. Thank you very much.

Hey, Mom, you know who that was?

No, honey, who?

That was...

No, l guess l was wrong.

Oh, sorry.

We're not in now, but leave a message,

and we'll get back to you as soon as we can, OK? Bye.

Hi, Sandi, this is your father. Your mother and l are at the airport here.

Now, we got a couple of hours, and we thought we'd see your new place.

When you say, "We're not in", who exactly is "we"?

Look at it, honey!

The ocean!

Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it?

It smells kind of funny, don't you think?

Yeah, it smells like the ocean!

What did Sandi say?

l didn't talk to her. l got the machine.

She said, "We're not in."

Now, what do you think that means, "We're not in"?

Wild guess.

l think it means she's not in.

Boy, it's quite a piece of dialogue when you two intellectual giants get together.

l should be writing this down.

This kid's starting to bug me, Annette. I'm telling you, Bobby, that's enough!

- Now, cut it out! - Don't start anything.

Just relax.

OK, but here's my point.

She didn't say, "I'm not in." She said, "We're not in."

"We", you see, "we".

Now, what does "we" mean?

l believe it's the plural form, indicating more than one.

Do you want me to conjugate that for you, Pop?

Do you know what "conjugate" means, Dad?

I'd like to conjugate you on the back of the head!

- Don't... - He's driving me nuts!

That's enough! I'm sure Sandi is fine.

Can't we enjoy being back on the beach again?

- OK, OK. - Please.

Just one time, I'd like to get him once.

Stop it! Stop it.

Oh, look, honey, it's our old beach!

Yeah, big deal.

Oh, and remember this.

It was our song.

Hey, the radio has a dial, you know.

Sing with me, honey!

Come on, honey, I'm not in the mood.

- Oh, please? - l can't. I'm driving, OK?

- l mean, l gotta concentrate. - Thanks. l owe you one there, Dad.

Sandi? You keep leaving the soap on the shower floor.

And it keeps getting gross and squishy,

and then it just disappears.

This was my favorite soap-on-a-rope, and look at this.

It's just rope.

Gosh, Michael, what a gut-wrenching tragedy.

Get Jerry Lewis on the phone. Let's get a telethon going.

OK, I'm sorry I've got to do this, but I'm with the smart-ass police.

You're a repeat offender and in clear violation.

And now you go out the window!

What are you writing?

A letter to my folks.

Yeah? Well, I'll bet I'm not mentioned in that one either.

That's right. Oh, Michael, I'm sorry.

My dad is a nice guy, a good provider, cruelly handsome,

kind of a weird dresser, but in the last few years,

he's just become the teeniest bit conservative.

What number did you say?

2566.

That's 64, 68.

l don't get it.

Do you mean to tell me that our daughter is living on a pier?

Sandi lives on a pier?

Well, if l recall, one summer, you lived under a pier.

Annette, honey, l am not my daughter.

You figured that out all by yourself, Pop?

- Bobby... - Stop it!

Well, l think living on a pier is adorable.

Adorable? It's strange.

Weird things happen on a pier.

When you say, "We're not in", who exactly is "we"?

Michael!

Michael!

What?

What's going on?

You got any other clothes?

- No. - Good.

l guess those new fall fashions are coming in.

2566.

A bait shop?

She lives on top of a bait shop?

Michael, l love you. Now get the hell out.

- ls this like a chick thing? - No, it's like a parent thing.

- Sandi, it's your father. - Get it?

- Got it. - Good.

Sandi, come on, open the door.

I'm coming, Dad!

l think l hear something.

You mean, she's making noise in her own apartment?

They just go nuts in California, huh, Dad?

- OK, now what? Now what? - l don't know.

OK, look. l do, l do.

We let them in, we get everything out in the open.

We tell them l love you, l want to marry you,

and we trust that they'll understand this.

Sandi!

If you got a guy in there, I'll cut off his toes and sell them to the bait shop!

Listen, this is my house too. l will not be driven out...

Dad!

He's battering down the door with someone's head?

Dad, my eyes are crossing.

I'm out of here. Sandi, I've always loved you.

I'm glad to see you, l mean that.

Mom, Dad, Bobby. What a lovely surprise.

Oh, sweetheart. Oh, you look beautiful.

A little thin. Doesn't she look thin?

She looks guilty. Who was here?

- No one. - Who was just in here?

Oh, l was on the phone. Dad...

Two toothbrushes, after-shave lotion,

and the toilet seat is up! l knew it!

- What was that? - What?

That thing. l saw you throw a thing. Did you see that thing?

l think l saw a thing, but l don't know what thing.

God, I'm proud.

This is like a conversation at the Kissingers.

Now l get it.

- Bobby! - Honey, what are you doing?

What am l doing? It seems to me that your daughter has developed

a serious interest in surfing or surfers. Come on, Bobby.

- Honey... - I'll be back.

Sweetheart.

ls there something you want to tell me?

That was my boyfriend. He wants to marry me. He's been living with me,

but l couldn't tell you, because Dad would freak out.

l don't know what's happening. Oh, Mom, what will l do?

Let's go shopping.

Bobby! Bobby, slow up!

Don't worry, Bobby. When l find this guy,

I'm gonna tear him apart.

I'm gonna break his legs. I'm gonna break his face.

Thank you, Dad. You continue to set a great example for me.

Bobby, come on, before we lose him.

- l don't believe it... - Pop!

l don't believe... l had him in my sights!

- l saw him come up here. - Look out!

Almost. Bobby...

Whoopsie-daisy.

"Whoopsie-daisy"?

Boy, back in my day, a surfboard...

A surfboard was about 9 feet long, weighed about 50 pounds.

Not like this sissy job.

It took a real man to handle one of those babies.

You know, l think the sport has become a little bit effeminate.

Don't you think?

Just for the record, l have a wildly different opinion.

l like the kid.

Great! That means that we're hitting it off, doesn't it?

l don't like the guy with the hair helmet.

Hair?

Hair?

You're talking about hair?

You guys get your haircuts at the Braille Barber College?

Good one, huh, Bobby?

You know, l bet puberty would have been great.

You are on my beach.

You've done an ugly thing to my board.

These are sins here.

l, Zed, am God here.

- Right? - Right!

Hey, listen. Thanks, babe. You guys have been great.

We gotta split now.

And thanks for showing us your little toys. They're really cute.

Oh, really good, nice. Nice. Thanks a lot, huh?

You know? Life's a beach.

Pop, you're really aware.

- Hi, hon. - Hi, Ma.

Hi, did you have a nice time?

We met these weird-looking guys,

and they had really bad attitudes,

were incredibly rude and dangerous and wanted to kill us.

It was so cool.

Well, as long as you had fun.

Oh, this wind. Sandi, how's my hair?

Oh, it looks great, Mom.

Oh, look!

Let's go in for a second.

Oh, come on, honey, we've got a plane to catch.

We used to spend so much time here.

Don't the memories come flooding back?

Mom, Dad, the early years... I'm getting goose bumps.

Mom, l gotta go. I'm gonna be late for work.

Oh, look!

Dick Dale's on tonight.

Let's go say hi to Dick.

Honey, we can come back in the year 2000 and say hi to Dick.

- Oh, just for a minute. - All right, all right.

But exactly five minutes, OK? I'll wait in the car.

Dad, it's been a pleasant visit. Come back real soon, OK?

All right, honey. OK, I'm coming in.

Parking!

The Big Kahuna.

Ed Byrnes, wow. How kooky!

Do you know they make a drink here called the "Stunned Mullet",

served in a coconut shell?

Why, l once saw a woman drink one of these, take off all her clothes

and dance the pony right here on this very table.

And your point is?

Point is, I'd like to buy you two of them.

That's very generous of you, in a sleazy kind of way.

But my husband and l have a plane to catch soon.

Say, hey, if a dynamite-looking chick like you was married

to a totally bitchin' dude like me,

you wouldn't be alone for a minute. Catch my drift?

l dig chicks.

Chicks dig me digging them. Dig?

Hey, slick.

Oh, the name's Troy.

Oh, what a shock.

Troy.

- The old Stunned Mullet, huh? - Yeah.

You ought to try ordering a real drink, slick.

Let's go, Annette.

Bridgette, where were we?

Zebra hunting on the Serengeti, right?

Oh, they glow in the dark.

Wait, l wanna say goodbye to Sandi.

l wanna get out of here right now.

It was a mistake even getting close to this old beach.

l just wanna get on the plane, OK?

Kahuna!

- Connie? - Yes!

Look at you, 20 years later.

Honey, you are still the best-looking thing on this beach.

Somebody get me a net!

Connie, you remember Annette, huh?

Oh, l didn't mean that kind of Annette.

Are you two still dating?

Unfortunately, you look great too.

Not this great, but great.

Well, l try to take care of myself. l eat right, and l get plenty of rest.

Of course you do. That's because you're boring.

l didn't mean that. Come on, you have to see my shrine.

Honey, we have a plane to catch.

Oh, come on, Annette, there's no rush. Hold on, hold on!

- Come on! - Honey!

- Look. - Unbelievable.

You saved all this junk?

That's not junk to me.

Just some of the memories of the best times of my life.

You're not an easy guy to forget, you know.

- You were never easy period. - Oh, look at this baby picture.

l didn't think anybody would remember me from those days.

Are you nuts? You're the Big Kahuna. There's your old board.

Board!

Venus

- A trunk of your old clothes. - You're kidding!

- Honey, you're a legend in my place. - Annette, look at this.

Connie saved everything l used to care about.

l don't see a picture of me.

Come on, don't be a pill. You got him, you won.

That's right, honey, you won.

Oh, OK. Well, we've got a plane to catch. Let's go.

You're not gonna leave without singing a song.

My husband doesn't sing anymore.

Come on, honey, just five minutes.

Connie, l wouldn't dream of leaving this place without singing a song!

Come on, let's go have some fun! Come on, Annette, let's go!

- Hey, Mom. - Ladies and gentlemen...

- Mom? - ...the Big Kahuna!

Mom, was l adopted? And if not, can l be now?

- Dick, do you know "Venus"? - "Venus"?

You're asking me, Dick Dale, if l know "Venus"?

No. But l know this.

One, two, three, four!

Well, I'm going out West Where l belong

Where the days are short And the nights are long

- Well, they walk - They walk

- And l walk - l walk

And they twist I'll twist

- I'll twist - And they shimmy

- And I'll shimmy - Shimmy, shimmy

And they fly And I'll fly

Well, they're out there having fun

In the warm California sun

Well, the girls are frisky In old Frisco

With pretty little chicks Wherever you go

- And they walk - They walk

- And I'll walk - I'll walk

- And they twist - They twist

- And I'll twist - I'll twist

- And they shimmy, and I'll shimmy - Shimmy, shimmy

And they fly And I'll fly

Well, they're out there having fun

In the warm California sun

Yeah, they're out there having fun

In the warm California sun

Connie.

Thanks. It was great seeing you again.

Yeah, well, there's more of me to see.

- We missed the plane. - Really?

Oh, how time flies when you're having...

Don't say it!

I've been trying to get you to have fun,

but you didn't seem able to have any with me, did you?

- Come on, Annette, lighten up. - Lighten up?

If this marriage gets any lighter, it'll float!

You sure didn't feel like singing with me, did you?

Or spending any time with your daughter.

Oh, come on, Annette. Don't be ridiculous.

l knew we should not have come back to this beach.

Look, we are going back to Ohio right now.

Are we?

Well, I'm spending time with my daughter and my son.

And maybe, just maybe,

I'll have a little fun myself.

Yeah!

Annette, l am going home. Are you coming now?

No.

- Yeah. - All right.

Then don't come later.

How about never?

- All right! - Yeah!

What the hell are you doing?

What are you doing?

Well, l thought you were my girlfriend.

Michael, put some clothes on.

What clothes? Tuna fish are wearing my clothes, remember?

- Whose luggage is that? - My mom's.

- They're still here? - Yes, she and Bobby.

They'll be here any minute. They had a fight.

There's a lot of that going around.

We are not having a fight.

- Well, am l sleeping here tonight? - No.

Then we're having a fight.

My mother's only gonna be here for a couple of days.

A couple of days?

Oh, well, that is just great.

They start out on a three-hour tour,

and now they're gonna be here for God knows how long.

Am l mistaken, or is this the plot to Gilligan's Island?

You are acting as if l have control over this.

Well, l don't, so l think you could make a little effort to understand.

I'll tell you what l understand.

l understand that this morning, l had a home, a wardrobe and a fiancée.

Now all l gotta do is go out and find a new home, new wardrobe

- and maybe a new... - Don't toss your threats at me.

l am in the middle of a family crisis.

And if that just inconveniences you a little, well, too bad.

- Fine. - Fine.

Would you like your stupid ring back?

Stupid?

A little surfer on a board. Good thing you're not a plumber.

I'd be walking around with a toilet bowl on my hand.

Fine.

I'll find someone...

...who'll appreciate it.

Pick a girl with a sense of humor

because she'll have to enjoy a good joke.

Hey, Ma?

Am l now officially a troubled child from a broken home?

No, your father will be back.

He was pretty steamed.

Trust me on this one.

Your father and l have been together a long time.

l know what he's gonna do before he does.

And he'll be back.

l know that in my heart.

You know, you're awful sweet, Mom.

And then I'll make him suffer.

Bartender, another drink, old buddy.

Don't call me that. l hate being called that.

Don't get bent.

You know, you look familiar to me. Have we met?

l don't think so. I've been away a long time.

- Oh, prison? - No, worse.

There were chicks, but you couldn't touch them. Wanna hear about it?

No.

Another drink.

Don't you think you ought to slow down now, tiger?

I'm having fun.

Annette says l can't have any fun. Are you fun?

Honey, I'm an amusement park.

Que sera sera

Whatever will be will be

Mom.

Will you stop having such a good time? It's annoying.

I've been told that.

l just think everything will turn out.

How do you know that?

l don't know. I'm just lucky, l guess.

l believe in happy endings.

Maybe you don't understand exactly what went down today.

You and your husband,

my mother and father,

have separated.

Me and my fiancé have split up.

In less than six hours, our lives have been shattered.

Any suggestions?

A pajama party!

Hey!

Zed! Zed, leave her alone!

Hey, that's my mother! That's my mother!

Help! Help!

Get out of here, you boys!

Connie.

Can l ask you one question?

I've been waiting 20 years.

What the hell is a kahuna anyway?

ls it good to have a big one?

Why don't l ever learn?

Give him another drink.

- Another drink! - Heavy on the fruit.

You know, l lived with a guy for years, a real genius.

He could take a couple of coconuts, a piece of string

and make a nuclear reactor.

But he couldn't fix a hole in a boat.

- You wanna hear the rest? - No.

Maybe the Midwest is for me.

Dad went out that night and drank enough Stunned Mullets

to kill a plow horse.

He's never been a big drinker.

You're about to see why.

All right, men, there's the clock! Waves are crazy, come on!

Dude, dude, it's totally gnarly.

Mountain's Surf Report. Zuma...

Whoa, dude, 8-foot faces, offshore winds, bro!

Mountain's Surf Report.

Dume. Dume's totally maxed out. Dude, get on your boards!

County Line, we've got 3 to 6.

Mountain's Surf Report.

Yo, Webby, Webby. Dude, it's your mom.

l can't talk now. l gotta surf!

Sorry, ma'am, he's dead.

Malibu.

Malibu's not really happening now, dude. Check me tomorrow, all right?

Hey, shine those spots, dude! It's totally shredding right here!

Come on, dudes, let's crank it!

Oh, my head.

Hey, good morning.

Wrong.

- Am l dead? - No.

l feel dead.

Where am l?

You're at my friend Mountain's place.

We tried to figure where to take you last night, but you kept saying,

"Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh, did l ever leave Ohio?"

What a damn good question.

Why did l leave?

l gotta get out of here. l gotta go back to the hotel.

l gotta get out of these clothes.

l gotta find Annette.

Oh, l gotta...

l gotta...

What is that?

It's a little pick-me-up.

Keith Richards lives on these.

- Keith? - Richards.

- Richards? - The Rolling Stones.

Trust me.

l love it!

l feel great!

Oh, boy, am l forever in your debt.

Say, can l get you a used Ford Fairlane or something?

No.

But would you mind if l married your daughter?

It's you!

It's you!

Have you been sleeping with my daughter?

Why don't you ask Sandi?

Because l can't break her legs.

Back in the Dark Ages, when you were a teener,

you must've slept with Sandi's mom.

As a matter of fact, only on our honeymoon.

Oh, l saw her yesterday, and you must've tried.

Never!

- Come on. - Well, maybe sometimes.

- I'm a guy. - All right, all right!

Every waking minute.

There, that's better.

Now go swimming.

- No. - Why not?

I've got my reasons.

Bobby!

- Yeah, Ma? - What is that on your chest?

It's the bloody surf demon on the beach of despair,

and l love it.

It represents my disgust toward the world you grownups made,

and I'll never, never wash it off.

Well, l think it's so cute.

It's like one of those adorable Smurfs, isn't it?

I'm going swimming.

What are you looking at?

ls that him? Michael?

Yeah, but now he's acting as if we never even met.

Oh, Mom, l miss him. What am l gonna do?

Well, l know what l would do.

It's the middle of the day. We'd look a little silly in our pajamas.

Oh, not that, but l like what you're thinking.

OK, I'm gonna paint you a picture.

l see this guy sitting over there.

And your father is sitting,

let's say, over here.

OK?

Now listen carefully, girls. This is what l would do.

Nice setup.

It's good to see you again.

Sit, sit.

So, what were you saying?

l said, nice setup.

Oh, thank you.

You've got a nice setup yourself.

Wow, what a charming remark.

You really know how to talk to a gal.

Well,

l know women.

I've heard that a lot.

You really have a lot of nice stuff here.

Why, thank you.

You know what they say:

You can tell the men from the boys by the price of their toys.

So, so...

...how's that little husband of yours?

Oh, let's not worry about him.

My name's Annette.

Troy.

Well, Troy, let's cut the small talk.

OK.

How'd you like to take me out tonight?

Impress me by throwing your money around...

...get me drunk and back to your place.

Wait. Wait a minute.

- Have we gone out before? - No.

No?

Toodles.

Toodles?

Now, that's what l would've done if your father had been there.

Would've driven him nuts. He'd have walked up,

punched the guy and then kissed me.

Possibly with an open mouth.

Are you sure about this?

Well, you were born, weren't you?

Well, Mom's theory was swell,

except Dad wasn't exactly the two-fisted stud she remembered.

Good morning, tiger.

He hightailed it to Daddy O's and Connie.

And how is Mr. Excitement this morning, huh?

- You look like you've been... - Connie dug Dad.

There wasn't anything she wouldn't do for him.

How are you fixed for bread?

Oh, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

- That's bull. Hi, Mom. - Hi, honey.

Mom?

Mom?

What does that mean, "Mom"?

Well, figure it out, tiger.

Can you add?

Oh, now, wait a second.

If you're his mom and he's, like, 22,

that means he could be my...

Get real. We never did anything.

We didn't?

- No. - l thought we did.

You mean, you can't remember if we did anything or not?

Boy, you really know how to flatter a girl, don't you?

l had Michael with my first husband, Spud.

- Spud? - Spud.

Spud.

Spud! Oh, Spud.

- Spud? - Yes, and he was not square.

Spud? Oh, no.

You didn't marry Spud, did you?

Yeah. Come on, you're ragging on my dad.

Oh, no, l didn't mean... No, forgive me.

So you got this cherry bomb, right?

But you don't wanna be around when it goes off,

because then you get blamed, right?

- Right? - Right!

So dig.

You take this baby, and you put the sucker in the women's john.

Three minutes later, bam!

Chicks flying everywhere.

You are a true genius.

- Yeah. - l know that.

So, what do you say we do some damage

to my dad's American Express card?

- All right. - Yeah.

l really like this kid.

Now, look, man. I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna tell Sandi l was an idiot and apologize.

Michael, Michael, wait a minute.

You're making a bigger mistake.

OK. So, what do l do?

Yeah, what's he gonna do?

I'll tell you what you do. You trick them.

You convince them that you're having the time of your life

while they're sitting there depressed and miserable.

- Yeah! - Cool idea!

Do you girls know how to Jamaica ska?

Jamaica what?

Yeah, sure, Annette, it's a required course at our college.

Well, do you know how to Jamaica ska?

Ska, ska, ska

Jamaica ska

Ska, ska, ska

Do the ska

Not many people can cha-cha-cha

Not everybody can do the twist

But everybody can do the ska

It's the new dance you can't resist

Ska, ska, ska

Fun! Fun! We're having fun!

Now everybody can do the ska

It's a new dance that goes like this

Now bow your head

And swing your arms

Shake your hips

Now do a dip

Ska, ska, ska

Jamaica ska

Ska, ska, ska

Do the ska

Now bow your head

And swing your arms

We got it.

And shake your hips

Here we go.

Now do a dip

Ska, ska, ska

Jamaica ska

Ska, ska, ska

- Do the ska - Hey, where you going?

We love you, Annette.

Not many people can cha-cha-cha

Not everybody can do the twist

But everybody can do the ska

It's the new dance that goes like this

Ska, ska, ska

Jamaica ska

Ska, ska, ska

Do the ska

Ska, ska, ska

Jamaica ska

Ska, ska, ska

Do the ska

When Mom got depressed, she sang.

When Dad got depressed, he went back to selling.

And l mean anything on wheels.

Hey, dude.

Hey.

Believe this?

The heavens open, everybody splits from the beach,

and l wind up making 18 bucks for the day!

- All right, good work. - Yeah, good work. 18 bucks?

l got socks that cost more than that.

Really? l think you got screwed on that deal.

So this is what you do for a living, huh?

Hey, all right.

l do this because l love it.

l don't do it for a living.

Too bad, they're good.

l mean, they look real good.

Not as good as the long, wooden boards l used to ride, but...

Yeah, if you like riding around on a coffee table.

I'll tell you what. You're all right. You got some style.

- This looks like it'll be a beauty. - Hey...

All right.

Bet you these would be easy to sell, huh?

l can just see this. Marketing is what it needs.

California, then we go nationwide.

- Why would l wanna do that? - No,

- you're just gonna give them away? - That's what l do.

l don't believe that.

Hey, listen, if l were a young guy who was thinking about getting married,

I'd be thinking about some extra bucks.

I'd be thinking about maybe a steady job instead of being a deadbeat.

Yeah?

So l can become so involved in making money

that l can totally ignore my family?

All right, kid, so you got a point.

But l just think that if you can make money doing something you love...

l mean, people just dream about that kind of thing.

Yeah?

Well...

How do we sell these? l mean, if l want to.

- Selling? - Yeah. Maybe.

- You're asking me about selling? - Yeah.

Let me tell you, kid. You've come to the right guy.

Let me tell you about selling. We've got boards.

All kinds of boards. Long boards, tall boards...

Michael, it's hard not to miss a woman

who's been in a good mood for 22 years.

We gotta get together again. I'm miserable without her.

Boy, back in the old days, it was really something.

You know what we'd do?

We'd throw the biggest bonfire on the beach,

slow dancing, moonlight.

I'd kiss Annette up against a rock.

We'd forgive each other.

No worries, no problems. No winners, no losers.

That's it.

That's it, let's do it. A big beach bash!

We've tried. The harbor master we've got

won't allow any permits after dark.

No permit...

- ...no party. - Michael, Michael.

l thought l taught you more about salesmanship.

Tomorrow, we go and see that Nazi harbor master.

We'll kick his butt.

No.

We see what a little schmoozing can do.

You're the harbor master, right?

No, I'm the captain of The Love Boat.

Of course I'm the harbor master, and don't tell me

you came here for a party permit.

Can't we get a permit?

l asked you not to tell me that.

See? Come on.

- Wait, wait. Flattery, flattery. - Right.

You know, sir, putting those ships in those bottles,

that's gotta take a lot of patience, intelligence, skill and talent.

l bought this for a buck from a 9-year-old girl.

Wow, shrewd. And thrifty too.

May l say, you're uncanny?

Yes. Well, l can't stand here all day and chew the fat.

The yacht races are about to begin.

Interests, interests.

All right, OK.

So you like sailing, huh?

Like sailing? Like sailing? Sailing is my life.

Would you believe that l own the biggest yacht in the world?

l find that hard to believe.

Would you believe, the biggest tugboat?

l don't think so.

How about a broken oar?

Sir, if l could just convince you that this party will be good, clean fun...

No, no, there will be no beach parties.

- Sorry, about that. - Forget parties. We don't want a party.

Yeah, we've polled all the seaside communities trying to select the...

The...

...Harbor Master of the Year.

l won?

- Well... - Missed it by that much?

No. You won. Yeah.

There's a trophy and a ceremony,

and we'd like you to say a few words.

Yes, well, l would like to say a few words,

but l don't know what to say except it's about time.

l can't believe it.

l can't believe they'd have a party and not invite us.

l obviously haven't taught you a thing, have l?

You did try to teach me how to get my hair real stiff.

Then there was that peanut-butter thing.

No, I'm talking serious men things.

This party is for us.

Your father wants to make up. He's sending me a signal.

He burns things?

I'm really glad you guys came.

We haven't been introduced.

I'm Annette.

Sorry.

It's nice to finally meet you, Michael.

Yeah? Thanks.

So you surf, Michael?

Yeah.

Anything else?

No.

Yeah, there's something else.

l make and sell surfboards.

Best boards on the beach.

No, no. You make boards. You don't sell them.

That's too straight for you, remember?

Hey, l sold seven of them today.

Yeah, your dad told me little something about responsibility.

If a guy's thinking about getting married...

You know, l really like yours and Sandi's place,

but l think I'm gonna want a little privacy tonight, so I'm moving out.

You can have the place to yourself.

If you'll excuse me,

I've got to find my husband.

See you later, Mom.

You...

You look really pretty, Sandi.

Thank you.

Connie, l gotta tell you, you got a great kid.

Yeah.

Guess l got lucky, huh?

What lucky? Are you kidding? Don't give me that bad-girl jazz.

You got a good, clean heart. You always have.

Well, maybe.

I'll tell you something. l sure would've soiled it some for you, pal.

If it wasn't Annette, Connie,

it'd have been you.

- Thanks, Kahuna. - Give me a smooch.

I'm so glad you came home.

How low can you go?

Yeah, how low can you go?

Hiya, hon! Some bash, huh?

You're looking special tonight, which is a coincidence,

because l, too, am looking special tonight.

Troy, do you surf?

Do l surf?

Do l surf? I'm sure!

Does Dolly Parton float?

Does Oprah Winfrey eat?

Does Michael Jackson have flammable hair?

Do you ever shut up?

Come on.

Well, this is a terrific turnout you've got here.

- What time does the ceremony begin? - What ceremony?

Don't mind him. Surfer, boards. Gets hit in the head a lot.

Hey, you look great!

Absolutely correct.

You'd better tell him.

- Again with the foot! - Bridgette. Bridgette. Get Bridgette.

Well, now, about the ceremony. When does it begin?

Well, you see, what happened was...

- There is no ceremony. - Well...

- Exactly... - No trophy?

This whole thing is a hoax. l hate it! l hate it a lot!

l have been tricked, and there is nothing,

nothing that you can do to stop the pain and disappointment.

Hi.

- This helps. - I'm Bridgette,

and you're too sexy for words.

Why don't we go somewhere dark and quiet

but not too far for me to scream for help.

She's got asthma.

What the hell, it's late.

l can't believe it. My wife. l just cannot believe it!

l don't believe it either! How do you explain it?

After all that surfing, her hair, perfectly dry.

l made a bonfire. You're supposed to know what it means

when l burn stuff!

l know what it means, and l thought you know what it means too.

Until l saw you hugging that woman again.

Oh, come on! l wanna talk to you.

Hey, wait a minute there, shorty.

l don't think the lady wants to go with you.

Shorty? You calling me "shorty"?

- You're in for a lot of trouble. - I'm in a lot of trouble?

Your shoelace is untied.

How very, very mature.

You are so stupid!

Stupid? You wanna talk stupid?

He's not even wearing shoes.

All right, that's it. I've had enough.

You can have him if you want him.

I'd like to have him, but l do have one rule, you know.

l don't want anybody that doesn't want me.

Oh, please. Every time l turn around,

he's got you cornered like a Marine on R and R.

Nettie, please. You know as well as l do,

l never get the good guy. I'm the bad girl, remember?

Besides, every time he's got me cornered, he's talking about you.

This guy loves you so much.

If l were a goody two-shoes like you,

l would get my ass over there and get that guy.

You know, I've always sort of wanted to be the bad girl.

Impossible.

But I'll tell you something.

You sure have wasted an incredible pair of hooters.

You're looking pretty gloomy there, tiger.

Well, from stupid to gloomy, at least it's a step up.

Come on, honey.

According to my scorecard, we're just about even now.

Did you say "even"?

Yeah. No winners.

- No losers. - Yeah.

Annette.

You know, l been thinking about us.

All the good times we used to have here.

l mean, we used to have a hell of a lot of fun on this beach.

Oh, honey, we still can.

Come on, you guys!

That's enough. The show is over.

Well, everybody's heard About the bird

Bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

The bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

Well, the bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

The bird, bird, bird The bird's the word

Well, the bird, bird The bird is the word

Well, the bird, bird The bird is the word

Well, the bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

The bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

Well, the bird, bird Bird is the word

Well, don't you know About the bird?

Well, everybody knows That the bird is the word

Well, the bird, bird The bird's the word

Surfing bird

Bird, bird, bird The bird's the word

The bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

Well, the bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

The bird, bird, bird Bird is the word

The bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

Well, the bird, bird The bird is the word

The bird, bird, bird The bird's the word

The bird, bird, bird The bird's the word

The bird, bird, bird The bird's the word

Well, don't you know About the bird?

Well, everybody's talking About the bird

Well, the bird, the bird It's for sure the word

Surfing bird

Come on, what's the word?

Everybody!

Clap your hands.

Gnarly!

Radical!

Surfing bird!

That's the word!

Don't you know About the bird?

Everybody knows That the bird is the word

Well, surfing bird

Hang ten!

Oh, wipeout!

Hang nine!

Tubular!

Hey, dude.

Bitchin'.

- Yeah! - Bye, Pee-Wee!

Wipeout!

Boy, great dinner!

Here we go again.

Dinner and now the surf story.

l don't get it, dude. All the time you've been here,

- you haven't been in the ocean once. - Yeah.

No, l don't go in the ocean anymore.

Yeah, but you were the hottest surfer on the beach. l mean,

- you were the Big Caboose. - "Kahuna".

Which is extra cool because you look like an Italian loan shark.

Well, it doesn't make any sense.

Nobody just decides not to surf again.

It's like deciding not to breathe anymore.

You better tell them the surf story.

All right, l will.

l know all of you have heard

of the Humunga Cowabunga From Down Under.

No.

Well, let me tell you what it is.

It's this huge, enormous wave that rolls in from Australia,

- and it's so big that... - Annette, Annette, Annette.

This is my story.

And you tell it well. Just speed it up.

OK, thanks.

Now, you see, this one particular day, I'm out in the break.

The weather is absolutely crummy.

I'm all alone. Then suddenly, black clouds start to gather.

l hear this rumble. l look over my shoulder,

and l see, on the horizon,

the biggest mother wave l have ever seen in my entire life.

He gets up on it, but it's too big. It closes over him.

Smash! It's the biggest wipeout anyone's ever seen.

He washes up on the beach,

and we thought he was dead.

He was in a coma for weeks,

and he never surfed again.

End of story.

Thanks, honey.

l think they get the point.

But that's because you tell it so well.

Eat sand lame-o's.

Bobby, you get down from there right this instant!

My name isn't Bobby anymore. I've got my gang name. Call me "Surly".

Shirley? Your name is Shirley?

Bobby is a tougher name than Shirley.

Not Shirley, it's Surly. Surly!

God. Man, I'm changing my gang name. My new gang name is...

...Knife. Call me "Knife".

Nice? You want us to call you "Nice"? OK.

Nice hairstyle, Nice.

It's not Nice. It's not Nice!

Man, just forget it. Call me "Bobby".

Bobby, you're getting mixed up with the wrong crowd here.

- He's more than mixed up with us. - That's right.

I'm president of the wrong crowd.

We elected him this morning after we bought these bikes

- with your credit card. - Yeah!

Hey, Zed.

You're not invited to this party.

Well, that's why I'm here, septic breath.

Hold me back, Sandi.

I'm stopping this party!

You and your people are on my beach!

- And l am God here, right? - Yeah!

All right, all right, wait a second. This has become a territorial dispute.

Why don't we settle it like we used to do

back in the good old days, huh?

We'll surf for it. Winner takes the beach.

- You get your best guy. - That's me.

- Against our best guy. - Yeah! Who's our best guy?

- You! - Oh, yeah, right.

OK, cool. Tomorrow morning, dude.

- I'm gonna thrash your butt. - Yeah? Well, I'll tell you what.

- Until then, this is our beach! - Yeah!

- Let's ride, guys! - Yeah!

Buckle up!

Mike. Michael, you gotta win big tomorrow.

What's the matter?

That must hurt.

It does!

- Well, now what are we gonna do? - OK, folks.

This surf-off is going to consist of three rides.

And the contestants are gonna be judged by style and originality.

And the winner and their friends are gonna have

the right to the entire beach.

Well, you must represent darkness, evil and godless communism.

You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.

Where's Michael?

Well, due to an unfortunate circumstance,

you're going to be competing with Robin.

Robin?

She can't even swim!

Go figure.

This is gonna be a very, very short contest.

No, it won't!

It's the Big Potato!

That's "Kahuna"!

You're putting me on.

You're not a surfer anymore.

You live in Ohio. You sell Fords.

What are you gonna ride, a Mustang?

Oh, yeah?

Well, how about this?

That's not a board.

It's a pier.

Dad, you'll get killed on that. A lot!

Bobby, get over here now, and l mean now, mister,

or I'm gonna pull your little lips off.

Yipes!

Now sit down and shut up!

You know, you're crazy, old man.

Oh, yeah? Well let me tell you a story.

You see, l used to be...

The primo surfer in the whole state, the Big Kahuna.

He's ridden waves they wouldn't photograph.

If he does this today, it'll give him back his pride, his courage,

the respect of his son and put the zip back in his marriage.

- Thanks, gang. - Or he might die.

OK, let's see how good you really are.

All right.

Let the games begin.

All right!

Are you sure you're OK?

I'm fine, honey.

All l need is a nice, few waves out there that are nice and quiet and...

l gotta go home.

Oh, no. You can do it. l know you can.

- Go get them, Kahuna. - Hey, wait up!

- Hey! - Careful.

Listen, you gotta remember:

Stay in your crouch until the wave tells you to get up.

And lead the board. Don't let the board lead you.

And l promise, I'll raise Bobby as if he were my own son.

Go get them, Dad.

- Kahuna! - Kahuna! Kahuna!

Stay in your pouch. Stay in your crouch.

Get to the close to the board? What'd he say? l forgot!

l guess this was a bad idea.

Well, Jer, it was well-performed. The ending was exciting and original.

l give it an eight. Thumbs up.

Well, as usual, Tony, l totally disagree.

l found the entire ride stiff and uninspired.

The ending was anticlimactic.

l gave it a six. Thumbs down. It made me wanna leave the beach.

If he won't take a wave, we can't win.

Well,

maybe he's just waiting for a bigger one.

- Yeah! - Yeah, that's it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, no.

l don't believe it.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God. It can't be.

Mom, what is it?

- It's the Humunga Cowabunga... - From Down Under.

Holy shit!

Dude! Come in! You gonna get messed up!

You're gonna eat dirt from China.

Come in, dude!

Dude, you're crazy!

You're gonna get killed!

I've gotta go after him!

- No, Michael, you can't! - He'll get wiped!

But I'm the reason he's out there!

Somebody do something!

It's too late!

Cowabunga!

Go, Pop, go!

Come on, Dad! Come on!

Yeah! Yeah!

Come on!

All right!

What a guy! l could've done that.

That's the ride we hoped for on the Big Kahuna's comeback.

- l give that ride an unqualified ten! - l couldn't agree more, Tony.

The Big Kahuna is back.

l also gave him a ten on that last run.

Well, folks, here you have it.

- The winner and still the Big Crapola! - "Kahuna"!

Gee, Dad turned out to be pretty cool and was my new hero.

Mom was even happier than usual,

and Sandi and Michael decided on a Christmas wedding.

l decided a hair helmet was the look for me.

Thank you.

And who said you can never go home again?

It wasn't me.

- Go, Zed, go! Oh, yeah! - All right, Zed!

Do you worry about tomorrow?

Will it be as good as yesterday?

l just look in your direction

Then I'm glad for what we have today

What l like about a love song

ls that you never can wear it out

You and l are like a love song

In the end, we always work it out

So we go on forever

So let the world go crazy

We never had this much fun on the island l was...

l don't suppose you want to hear about it.

I'd love to. It sounds fascinating.

And again and again

Some things live forever

And again and again

We live on

We have made a million memories

Each a shining diamond in my mind

What l like about the future

Are the memories That we're gonna find

So we go on forever

So that's the whole story. l just thank God it's all over.

l think you're very brave.

l know l just met you, but l love you.

- Would you be my main squeeze? - l never thought you'd ask.

- We've got to shove off, little buddy. - No, not you. Not now!

I'm sorry, it's time to go.

Now, we'll be back real soon. It's only a three-hour tour.

It's never a three-hour tour.

Come on, little buddy, let's go.

- l still remember, baby - Some things live forever

l still remember

- l still remember, baby - Some things live forever

Are we the corniest couple you've ever seen or what?