Original subtitles

-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

DIONDRA: Lone Moose.

It was the site of The Great Avalanche of 1893,

the flammable top hat crisis of 1901,

the deadly ice storm of 1947,

and of course, the catastrophic

Bolognese factory explosion of 1978.

This history of disasters is why, every two years,

Lone Moose citizens hold a city-wide

Disaster Day training simulation.

What will this year's disaster hold?

We'll find out when the Disaster Day siren

goes off sometime this week.

(alert beeping)

And now, a different story.

A hundred-year-old man

who found a $20 bill.

I can't believe it.

I'm so excited for Disaster Day.

I pregamed by watching two hours

of volcano explosions on YouTube.

And I even took a nervous "disast-turd" this morning.

I love that anyone in town

can submit an idea for the disaster.

In Fresno, we just got to submit almond flavor ideas.

No one ever wanted jalapeño cotton candy.

They were fools, my Flavoring Francesca.

So, now, we just have to wait for the signal

that the disaster's starting?

Yup. We all got our letters this week letting us know

what parts we've been assigned in the Disaster Day role-play.

Not to play the victim, but this year,

I will be playing a victim.

Ham and I are victims pretty much every year,

and somehow we always survive.

Well, for the first time, I'm on team disaster,

causing chaos all over town,

like Phoebe on Friends.

Oh, you're gonna love it.

I was a beaver during the beaver invasion.

Not to brag, but I gave Londra rabies.

I got hospital volunteer. I get to work with real doctors

and live out my TV medical drama fantasy.

I'm on a... Dr. Callahan's team.

I know him. He's from Ireland,

so whenever he checks my reflexes, he says,

"Kick me, I'm Irish."

And then I do. I kick him really hard.

He sounds like dreamy Dr. O'Shaughnessy

on Break a Leg. You know that show

about the doctor who's also an actor?

Getting new headshots and helping people

who got shot in the head.

Well, I'm pretty jimmy-jazzed to be a first responder this time.

Scooping up victims all over town,

like The Rock in that movie San Andreas.

Oh, he humiliated that dumbass earthquake.

Speaking of movies, I submitted my idea for the disaster,

Jurassic Park dinosaur attack, again.

Well, I think it's a wonderful idea, Moon.

It's a little unlikely for a disaster,

but the more unexpected, the better.

I mean, that's the whole point of Disaster Day.

It's to teach us how to get through something

we never saw coming.

Which is why they should consider my idea

where everyone's hands turn to chips,

and then everyone eats their hands,

and then everyone's like, "Oh, no, I don't have hands anymore!"

Wolf, babe, pacing and staring out the window

isn't gonna make Disaster Day happen any sooner.

-Even if I have the vest on? -Even if you have the vest on.

-Help me with my crossword? -Sure.

"Trades on the New York Stock Exchange

under T-P-N-P-L. 26 letters."

Twizzlers Pull 'n' Peel Licorice.

Of course. Look, babe, I get it.

I can't wait to get to that hospital

and start yelling things like, "Stat," and,

"Don't you die on me," while running around

with that Irish doctor. Hmm. Oh, man.

I'm blanking on this one. Seven letters across.

"Batman Begins villain, actor 'blank' Murphy."

Oh, that would be one of my favorite actors of all time,

-"Sillian" Murphy. -Right. Wait, what'd you say?

"Sillian" Murphy. The Scarecrow.

Honey. (laughs) It's "Killian." Cillian Murphy.

No, it's definitely "Sillian" Murphy.

Wolf, my love, tell me you haven't been pronouncing

this name "Sillian" all this time, and in open company.

Love Peaky Blinders with "Sillian" Murphy.

Hey, whoa, your eyes look just like "Sillian" Murphy's.

Wow, another project this year?

Oh, that "Sillian" Murphy stays working.

"Sillian" Murphy. "Sillian" Murphy.

♪ "Sillian" Murphy. ♪

(echoing): "Sillian" Murphy.

I have been saying that in open company

because that's how you say it!

No, that's how you say it. It's "Killian."

Hon, you have a history of not knowing how to pronounce names.

You thought the guy who wrote Game of Thrones

was George "Arrgh" Martin.

There are two Rs there.

How else would you possibly say that?

You thought Hugh Grant was "Hug" Grant.

Honeybee, you know I know how to say Hugh Grant.

I was just drunk and thinking about

hugging him when I said that.

Okay, Wolf, now you're just being stubborn.

I am not being "stub-born."

You know what? I'm trying to help you,

but you refuse to listen,

so I'm gonna go to the main house

and finish this crossword in a bubble bath.

Wait, a-are we having our first fight?

I guess we are.

Well, y-y-you can't leave then.

I mean, aren't we supposed to do the "I'm sorry" snuggles

and the makeup make-out?

The only thing I want to make out with right now

is the tub in the main house.

Got myself some leftover chowder

I'm gonna heat up, too. Do a soup and a soak.

Maybe I'll pretend I'm one of the clams.

Okay, fine! I'm also gonna go do... (stammers)

something alone.

Go take a-a snow machine ride and listen

to some Santana featuring Rob Thomas in my headphones.

Well, a whole fun Saturday ahead of us.

Limitless possibilities.

Who's up for cleaning the leaves out of the gutters?

-Ooh! -Oh!

-(alert beeping) -(all gasp)

Yes. That's the Disaster Day alarm.

-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! -This is it.

MAYOR PEPPERS (over TV): Attention all residents of Lone Moose.

This is an emergency message from Mayor Peppers.

Lone Moose is now under

a Jurassic Park -style dinosaur attack.

(chuckles) Dinosaurs. Clever mayor.

Oh, my God, they picked mine. They picked mine.

I get to go spend the whole day with the mayor.

I'm the king. I am the king!

MAYOR PEPPERS: Pterodactyls have attacked the Lone Moose cell phone towers,

and communications between citizens have been disabled.

Yes. No cell phones today.

There's nothing you can't say with flares or shouting.

All right.

Let's make some dinos sore.

(alert beeping)

Is that the Disaster Day alarm? It's happening!

Oh, no. This is the worst time for this to start.

Me and Honeybee are still in a fight.

All right, relax, Wolf. I'll just go home,

apologize to Honeybee for being

a ding-dang weirdo about "Sillian" Murphy,

and then it's off to saving lives.

Honeybee, I'm really sorry. I-- Honeybee?

Babe? You still in the tub?

Honeybee? Anyone?

Oh, no, I'm too late. Laura Dern-it.

CHEESECAKE: Hey, pal.

Check out this sweet van they gave us

to go fake save people.

(sighs) Honeybee...

You trying to speak to Honeybee telepathically again?

No. The last time I tried

telepathy, the dishwasher turned on somehow,

and I realized my power was not something to be toyed with.

MAYOR PEPPERS: We're very excited

to have you here today, Moon. Such a fun disaster idea.

Thank you. Should we do a weapons check first,

or set up electrified perimeter fences...

-Actually... -War Room? Hell yeah.

Here we go. Are there grenades in here or...

-Oh. -Moon, the most important

defense against a disaster is information.

Answering the phones, filling out paperwork,

stapling that paperwork.

So... we're just gonna do office stuff?

You bet we are. During the huge earthquake of '64,

it was the people manning the phones and radios

who coordinated all of the rescues.

We'll be getting updates on this cool fax machine

as our rescue workers bring in victims.

Your job is to take each report and staple the pages,

then stamp them with this,

your very own dino-stamp.

It just says "reviewed."

-Damn right it does. -(sighs)

Where's the stamp that says "This sucks"?

ADMIN: Here's your assignment. Welcome back

-to Earth, dinosaur. -Oh, no.

Beef, hey.

Looks like we're gonna be DFFs,

Dilophosaurus friends for today.

And we are on bikes.

We get to squirt folks with our deadly venom

and send them to the morgue tent

to play board games and eat cheese,

-just like in Heaven. -And we have bikes.

Yeah. You can ride a bike, right?

(laughs) What? Of course I know how to ride a bike.

It's just that I'm so good at it

that everyone here would probably stop and applaud,

and I don't want to distract them.

-They have jobs to do. -(chuckles) Okay, Beef.

We'll just ease into this dinosaur-bike lifestyle.

CHEESECAKE: All right, you go find the victims, and

I'll grab six or seven bottles of wine.

Cheesecake, no, you're driving.

Two or three bottles of wine. (screams)

Oh, sorry. I know it's fake, but in the back of my mind,

I'm thinking, what if during the fake dinosaur attack,

we were really attacked by dinosaurs?

That would be amazing planning on the dinosaurs' part.

Just a heads-up that both of my legs have been eaten,

so you guys will have to carry me.

Uh, okay, well, everybody, Cheesecake and I are here

to get you safely to Hospital Tent One,

but, reminder, dinosaurs could be anywhere.

We'll need to stick together at all costs to avoid them,

so we don't lose anyone on the way.

That means, even if one of you has an argument

with someone in the group, we stick together,

and we work it out because there's nothing worse

than losing someone you love just because the two of you

couldn't resolve a stupid fight.

Hey, uh, Wolf, are you oka... (gasps)

-What was that? -Shh.

There might be a dinosaur in here.

Everyone, let's move quietly toward the door.

It's nice to be all together like this.

Should we take a quick group picture?

Run!

-Run, run, run, run, run. -(panting)

Hey, cuties. Coming to eat you.

-(screaming) -Put me in, put me in.

-(roaring) -(screams) -HAM: Not now, Londra.

-JUDY: Drive, drive, drive, drive, drive. -Aw, you got away.

Okay, bye. See you later. Love you. Have a great day.

(Wolf sighs)

Hey, Wolf, something going on with you, bud?

You've just been staring out the window and sighing longingly.

And you sang "Everybody Hurts" all the way through twice.

It was beautiful, but... feels like something's up.

You guys, I know it's Disaster Day,

but the real disaster is my marriage.

Honeybee and I got in our first fight, and I'm freaking out.

Couples fight all the time, Wolf.

But not us, not before today.

So, I have no idea if we will make up.

All I want to do is go to Hospital Tent Three

as soon as possible and find Honeybee,

so I can apologize before she leaves me.

Wolf, she's not going to leave you.

Okay, but if she does, I can set you up with my friend Janine.

She's awful, but she'll definitely go out with you.

Oh, man, right now, Honeybee is at Hospital Tent Three

with some hot, Irish doctor who reminds her

of another hot, Irish doctor from a TV show.

(Irish accent): I'm o'finished, laddies.

Wolf, you just had one fight. Honeybee loves you.

Oh, yeah, you're a catch.

You're smart, you're nice, and you once farted

what sounded clearly like the word "luxury."

Plus, you have a sandwich at The Hoagie Pony named after you.

(normal voice): Yup, the Wet Wolf,

mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, Swiss and bread.

There's nothing like it.

But I don't think a wet sanny is gonna win me my baby back.

-(tire pops) -(all scream)

Sweet Sue and Cindy! We blew a tire.

Here's how today will work.

When someone with a dino bite comes in, we triage them.

Should we charge up the paddles, Doctor?

-No. -Stat.

Why did you just say "stat"?

For fun. Trying to lighten my own mood.

Had a little fight with my husband this morning.

It was our first one.

I should've stayed and worked it out,

but I left in a huff, and I regret it.

You know how it is, Doc.

You always have a storyline at the hospital

and a storyline at home.

No, I don't know what you're talking about,

-but here come our victims. -(siren wails)

Wow, they really went all out

this year. I can see Debra's brains.

Oh, wait, that's just her haircut.

Nice haircut, Debra.

(sighs)

Welp, here we go.

Huh. Not bad.

This stapler's got a little kick to it,

and this chair's got some speed.

Well, I don't have a flamethrower

or some sort of extreme Jeep that a child

definitely shouldn't be driving,

but looks like we're faxing

these bastards to hell.

Welp, there's no spare.

Looks like we're gonna have to get there on foot.

Actually, Wolf, we don't want to go to Hospital Tent One

'cause we've decided to get you to Hospital Tent Three

to apologize to Honeybee.

-Really? You all want to help me? -(all agreeing)

But Hospital Tent Three is pretty far away,

and if any of us get bitten by a dinosaur,

we're out for the day. No, no, I can't let you do that.

It's what we've all learned from action movies.

A bunch of us are gonna have to die

so that the lead guy can say sorry to his wife.

All right, everybody, keep Wolf in the middle of the pack.

He needs to make it to Honeybee,

even if the rest of us do end up saying our final bazingas

and experience a human version of the Big Bang.

Hey, does anyone hear, like, a weird, flapping sound?

-(flapping) -Mm, I had flapjacks this morning.

It could be them passing through me.

(screams) Pterodactyl bite!

JUDY: Everybody run!

-(others panting) -Oh, I die now.

Miss you. Keep in touch.

Absolutely. I'm on Myspace.

Guys, don't let any of the pterodactyls touch Wolf.

No! (grunts)

-Santiago! -He's gone, Wolf.

It is an honor to die for you, Wolf.

Papa, is that you?

It's me. Your little Go-go.

-(panting) -That way, into the woods.

Ah, this is nice, isn't it?

It is, but what if we actually ride these bikes?

I... I...

-Can't ride a bike? -Correct.

Did the way I wasn't riding it at all give me away?

Kind of. I'll admit, I'm surprised.

You know how to do everything.

When I was a kid, my parents were a bit-- what's the word?--

completely absent,

and because of that, I missed out on a few normal things,

like learning to ride a bike.

I also ate with a bib until I turned 16.

How about I teach you how to ride a bike?

And in exchange, you can teach me something

I don't know how to do.

I've always wanted to teach someone how to make a band saw

from recycled parts.

Mm, we'll think of something.

Now, the first thing you want to do

is just get one foot on a pedal.

And the second thing is just fall over.

You're doing great.

Whoa, you're getting a lot

done in here. You want to take a break?

Tell me about your favorite dinosaur?

It's Allosaurus. Carnivorous theropod,

strong muscular tail, a predator's predator.

But with all due respect, sir,

the only dinosaur I care about right now

is this antiquated filing system.

I'll let you get back to it then.

Uh, you can leave that soda, too.

One was for me.

Got to keep my strength for all this office fighting,

-so I'll need them both, sir. -Okay.

Oh, and be a lamb and grab me all the packages of gummy worms

-from the vending machine. -All right.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Once upon a time, I was into traps ♪

♪ Now my itchy fingers just got to fax ♪

♪ I thought nature was where my heart is ♪

♪ But that was before I changed ♪

♪ A printer cartridge ♪

♪ Oh, paperwork makes the world go round ♪

♪ I'm the one with the stapler, you better bow down ♪

♪ I thought it was the outdoors that brought me joy ♪

♪ And now I know I'm a true blue office boy ♪

♪ A true blue office boy. ♪

There might be some dinosaurs in the mall,

but if we can cut through, we'll save some time,

and then it's a straight shot to Hospital Tent Three.

Okay, looks like there's just

Gill's little golf cart Brontosaurus,

so we'll just wait until

he goes around the corner and then run.

Whee!

Wolf, we couldn't get Gill to chase us if we wanted him to.

Let's just go.

Okay, I'm gonna push you a little bit.

I'll hold on until you get the hang of it.

You promise you won't let go? You promise?

Of course I promise.

This is amazing.

It's like driving really slow, but with a lot more effort.

Okay, Beef, I'm letting go now.

What? No. You promised. Jerry, no.

-You can do it, Beef. -Whoa.

Uh-oh, here I go. (grunts)

Oop. No, you can't. All right, let's try again.

Okay, but this time, you promise you won't let go?

Of course I promise.

And are you lying to me about that?

Of course I'm lying.

-So, Doctor, does it ever get easier? -What do you mean?

Oh, no, when I say that, your line is,

"We don't do this because it's easy."

Uh, I'm not gonna say that.

Excuse me, Dr. Callahan, I don't mean to bother you at lunch,

but we've got a few people coming in

-who are actually sick. -What do you mean?

Well, they have pretend dinosaur injuries,

but they're really throwing up, like a lot,

like a disgusting amount, like, I don't--

Can you hear that going on back there?

All right, Honeybee, Delmer, you're with me.

This is what I'm talking about.

A little drama to get me out of my head

about my storyline at home.

Oh, Jarvis, do you want my macaroni salad?

50cc's of macaroni salad are just what the doctor ordered.

DR. CALLAHAN: No, it isn't.

Well, something inside you

is really acting the maggot, eh, lad?

(groans) Does that mean diarrhea in British?

Junkyard Kyle, where were you coming from?

OJJ and I were running dinosaur victims back and forth

-all morning, then I threw up. -Hmm.

Did you guys do anything abnormal today?

Did you drink out of a puddle? Did you eat lunch together?

(groans) Nope, nope, yup.

Wait, what was that yup? I lost track of my own questions.

VOLUNTEER: Doctor, we have three more barfers over here.

We're on our way. I'll charge the paddles.

Absolutely not.

JUDY: All right, Wolf,

next thing you know, you'll be saying sorry to Honeybee.

Hope I don't have to fight that handsome doctor for her.

What if he knows how to do a crane kick?

-It's impossible to defend. -(all gasp)

JUDY: The Lone Moose Roller Blading Club.

Run!

(all panting)

Take the stairs, take the stairs.

(yells)

There's an employees-only exit this way. Hurry.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Well, who's this chubby fella?

(all scream)

Quick, uh, somebody ball yourself up like a meteor,

and I'll throw you at him.

(all screaming)

(yells)

Wolf, get out. Go to Honeybee.

But what if you die?

This isn't real, but your marriage is.

Oh, right. Cool. Yeah, yeah, thanks, bye.

-(screaming) -Ah, the satisfied screams

of helping somebody else.

I finally get it.

All those things are like riding a bike.

-(giggles) -(screams) -Wolf?

Jerry? Dad. You're riding a bike.

I prefer the term "a'cruisin',"

but, yes, son. Wait, what are you doing out here?

Dad, Honeybee and I got into our first fight,

so I'm going to the hospital, so I can say I'm sorry

before she leaves me for the Irish charms of Dr. Callahan.

If you want to get to the hospital quicker,

I can give you a ride on my bike.

-Oh, yeah. -Hop on.

Wait, son, the rules.

If you touch that dinosaur, you'll be dead.

I'm not gonna touch the dinosaur, Dad.

I'm gonna ride it, which, yes, is a form of touching, totally,

but screw it. I got a marriage to save. Let's ride.

You two go ahead. I'll maintain this leisurely velocity

and meet you there in about three hours.

(giggles)

I'm barely moving. I've never felt more alive!

(laughs)

Oh, God, everyone's barfing.

Hmm... There's something about these cases that's bothering me.

It's like the charts are saying "Sillian,"

but my gut is saying "Killian."

(groans) Oh, God.

The macaroni's coming out of me, upstairs and downstairs.

I'm so sorry, everybody.

(gasps) Oh, my God, Dr. Callahan,

that's it, macaroni.

Everyone's throwing up the macaroni salad

from the food truck.

-Dear God. -I love the way you said that.

I have chills, but we have got to shut down that food truck.

WOLF: Thanks, Jerry.

Macaroni salad? Don't mind if I do.

-Honeybee. -Wolf? What're you doing here?

I rode your brother here to tell you

that I'm so sorry about this morning.

I was such a Fool Hand Luke for not apologizing right away.

I love you, and I'm sorry,

and please don't leave me for Doctor...

Oh, I'm being so rude. I'm Wolf.

Pleasure to meet you. Dr. Callahan.

Wow, that's crazy. There's another Irish Dr. Callahan

at this same hospital, but he's smoking hot...

-No. Don't. (sighs) -...and has a bunch of abs

-and a real nice butt and can do a crane kick. -Mm-mm. Nope.

Uh, this is him.

Okay, I actually can do a crane kick.

Anyway, sweetie, I don't want to fight anymore.

In fact, I promise you, I'll never argue with you again.

Wolf, babe, that's not realistic.

If we're gonna be together forever,

we're gonna fight sometimes, but, yeah,

you should've admitted you were wrong,

and I shouldn't have left in a huff. That was my bad,

but couples fight, and then they process things,

maybe blow off some steam

by driving around listening to Santana featuring Rob Thomas.

-How'd you know I did that? -Because I know you, Wolf.

And because you listen to that song a lot.

Like, a lot.

But after couples fight, they make up,

like we're making up right now.

Ah, young love. Reminds me of me sweet Saoirse,

before we had our two sons, Domhnall and Cillian.

-Look. See? -Yup. Got it.

Now, how about giving me a Hugh? That's how I pronounce hug.

-(retching) -Ew!

Oh, my God. Ah! The food truck. I let my personal storyline

distract me from my work storyline.

Oh, no, we're too late.

Not to worry. I'll just make a call. Stat.

(gasps) Uh-oh. Looks like we got a code friend on our hands.

Hey, you found her. And I found a big old cup of macaroni salad.

BOTH (distorted): No!

JERRY: I was eating that.

Was that not clear?

Wow, Honeybee. You saved your brother's life.

Did she?

Wolf, does it ever get easier?

We don't do this 'cause it's easy.

Doctor, I think we're gonna have to rendezvous

in the dimly lit break room.

Okay, but I still think you guys could apologize

for knocking the macaroni salad out of my hands.

I was pretty hungry.

Guys? Guys.

Well, I'm sorry you guys got eaten today

and ended your survival streak.

That's okay, Dad. Honestly, if I'd known the morgue tent

had Wi-Fi and multiple charcuterie plates,

I would've let myself die

a horrible death years ago. (laughs)

Moon Tobin,

in honor of your contribution to Disaster Day,

I present to you the best tool we have

in our arsenal to fight dinosaurs.

Thank you, sir. And if you ever need me,

you know where to call, my house. Call my house.

What was that all about?

Oh, Dad,

I have so much to tell you about filing.

HONEYBEE: ♪ All you doctors get to the OR quick ♪

-♪ Put the patient on the gurney, don't miss ♪ -♪ Don't miss ♪

♪ All you nurses start another IV drip ♪

♪ Charge the paddles while I yell stat, like that ♪

♪ 'Cause he's having a heart attack ♪

♪ The line is flat, get back ♪

♪ Clear ♪

♪ That's when I holler stat, quickly, I need ♪

♪ 50cc's, no time for thank you or please ♪

♪ No time for thank you or please, please ♪

♪ If someone stepped on a Hot Wheels track ♪

♪ The doctor comes running, and we'll fix it like that ♪

-♪ Uh-oh ♪ -♪ You know ♪

♪ This patient's about to blow ♪

♪ So, I yell stat ♪

-(monitor flatlining) -♪ Oh, snap ♪

♪ I guess it Honeybees like that. ♪

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

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