Original subtitles

Fisher, pick up. Fisher, it’s me. Fisher, pick up!

I’m late. Come on, come on. I need to bounce some ideas off you.

- Mine are all boring. Done it, been there. - Hey, Ike!

When are you guys gonna stop waking me up every morning?

When your column stops putting me to sleep.

- Oh, funny, funny. - Yo, Jonah!

Fisher, come on! Are you really not there? All right. Cool. I’ll talk to you later.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I'm thinking of doing an article about limousines.

What of people who’ve never been in one?

I’m sorry. I don’t know people like that.

Lex, I just need someone to bounce some ideas off of,

get the juices flowing. You know, I got one hour,

twenty-seven minutes, 52 seconds.

Hey, Ike, when are you gonna put me in the column?

- When your T-shirts stop shrinking. - Shrinks?

- Funny. Funny. - Uh, forget it.

He's kidding. He’s just kidding. Here, give me five dollars.

- Here, give me two dollars. - No way.

Folks, I got nice shirts here. Look.

"I love everybody. You’re next."

Oh, I promise you that love won’t be easy

I promise you there’ll be times apart

But I swear that it comes from my heart...

So, what’s in store for us in tomorrow’s column?

I don’t know yet.

I’m, uh, kind of a last-minute man. I, uh...

You know, until an hour or two before deadline, I don’t get any ideas.

So, you get your ideas for your column from life?

Start up a conversation with a woman in a bar,

attack her dart-playing and try to get a rise out of her,

while you contemplate whether or not she’s worth hitting on?

No, I can’t hit on you till I get an idea.

Oh.

- That’s flattering. - No, you don’t understand.

I understand. See, my not responding to you baiting me

will inspire one of those bitter diatribes you like to write about women.

I don’t write bitter diatribes about women.

- Oh. - Very often.

- Mm-hmm. - I could.

Only when the ideas aren’t flowing, huh?

It’s so nice to meet you, one-minute man.

- It’s last-minute man. - Whatever.

Wanna hear something funny? For a good-looking guy,

you strike out a lot. Have you noticed that?

- I bet it’s your ex-wife. - Excuse me.

- Yeah? - I've seen worse.

- Oh, hey, Ellie!

- No, Ike’s not here. - I say, I’ve seen much worse.

All right. I’ll tell him when he comes in.

Excuse me?

The brush-off.

I’ve witnessed far more...

treacherous and nefarious exits than that.

At least she castigated you in private.

Not as private as I thought. Kevin, you got some napkins there?

- Wiping or writing? - I’ll let you know.

They love you, they hate you.

They’re hot, they’re cold, they’re high, they’re low.

They’re up, they’re down.

This is really fun making a list with you.

- But I do have a column to write here. - Ike.

But you have yet to find a really superb idea.

Th... there’s a girl from my hometown that you could write about.

Excuse me, but we don’t need any ideas.

She likes to dump grooms right at the altar.

They call her "The Runaway Bride."

Yeah, she... she’s performed the travesty seven or eight times.

Turns around, runs like hell, bolts.

Adios. Plows down the aisle, knocking old ladies out of her way

like... like the running of the bulls in Pamplona.

And guess what? She’s got the next victim all lined up.

She’s... she’s turning another body on the spit.

Okay, Italics, here we go.

Today is a day of profound introspection.

I have been accused of using this column

to direct bitter diatribes at the opposite sex.

This uncomfortable accusation has plunged me into at least 15 minutes

of serious reflection, from which I have emerged

with the conclusion that, yes, I traffic in female stereotypes.

Oh!

"But how can one blame me when every time I step out my front door

"I meet fresh proof that the female archetypes are alive and well.

"The mother, the virgin, the whore, the crone.

"They’re elbowing you in the subway, stealing your cabs

"and overwhelming you with perfume in elevators."

"But perhaps in fairness to the fair sex, I do need to broaden my horizon

"and add some new goddesses to the pantheon."

"I would like to nominate for deity the cheerleader.

"Ah, the cheerleader, the coed and the man-eater,

"the last of which concerns me most today."

"In ancient Greece,

"this fearsome female was known as Erinyes, the devouring death goddess.

"In India, she’s Kali, who likes to devour her boyfriend Shiva’s entrails

"while her yoni devours his dot, dot, dot, never mind. In Indonesia,

"the bloody-jawed man-eater is called Ragma."

You notice these are all countries without cable.

"And in Hale, Maryland, where she helps run the family hardware store,

"she’s known as Miss Maggie Carpenter, AKA, 'the Runaway Bride.'"

"What is unusual about Miss Carpenter

"is that she likes to dress her men up as grooms before she devours them."

One antique hot-water handle with the hot still on it.

Guaranteed to fit any American standard cast iron tub

with a four-inch center mount, made between 1924 and 1938.

In other words, Mr. Paxton,

I think you are out of the doghouse with Mrs. Paxton.

- Hallelujah. - I’ll see you later.

I’ll put it on your charge.

You know, there’s a possibility she hasn’t seen this yet.

I mean, maybe she just hasn’t picked up a paper. You know what I mean?

Or not.

- Uh, Maggie. - Earl, you don’t need an air conditioner.

You need an attic fan. There’s more in the back, huh?

Hey.

What?

So, Mag, you’ve seen this, huh?

Yes, I’ve seen it.

And it is the rudest...

most offensive...

joke anyone has ever played on me.

You guys! How long did this take you? Where did you get it done?

You’re both creeps, by the way. I should dis-invite you.

Maggie, you told us no bachelorette jokes, so...

we didn’t.

Holy Moley.

- Bag. - She’s going.

- Bag! - She’s gonna go!

Here’s the bag.

Breathe!

And on the local front, our town of Hale, Maryland,

is still buzzing about the less-than-flattering article

about their native daughter, Maggie Carpenter.

Her bridal exploits were taken to task by New York columnist

Ike Graham in USA Today.

Mr. Graham called her...

Dear Editor, greetings from the sticks.

- Perhaps you believe

that a rural education is focused mainly on hog-calling and tractor maintenance

rather than reading.

Why else would you print a piece of fiction about me

-and call it fact?

I suppose Mr. Graham was too busy thinking up slanderous statements

about how I dump men for kicks

to bother with something silly like accuracy in reporting,

which is understandable because with a man-eater like me on the loose,

who has time to check facts?

- Hey, Frances. Lunch today? - No, I’m going to the bank.

- Sure? - Sorry, Ike.

All right.

- Hey. - Hey.

- I’ll put in a good word for you. - That's okay,

-don’t mention my name. - That’s why I was surprised

to find Mr. Graham’s editor was a woman.

Call me a sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped...

we man-eaters could stick together.

"Anyway, I’m just dropping you big city folk this little note to say

"that I have thought of a ritual sacrifice that would satisfy my current appetite...

"Ike Graham’s column on a platter.

"Yours Truly, Maggie Carpenter.

"P.S., I have enclosed a list

"of the gross factual misrepresentations in your article."

There are 15.

Funny. I like her. She’s got spunk.

- Ike, look.

She sent us this list.

Our lawyers say it’s actionable.

I left you four messages. You don’t return my calls.

I never returned your calls. Even when we were married,

I didn’t return your... And... and what’s Fisher doing here, anyway?

Well, Ellie asked me to come down to offer moral support.

Since when does Ellie need moral support?

It’s for you, Ike.

What? What?

Journalism lesson number one:

If you fabricate your facts...

you get fired.

Lesson number two:

Never work for your former spouse.

That has nothing to do with it.

You cooked this story up

- and you know it. - I did not cook anything up!

- I had a source. - Someone reliable?

Some booze hound in a bar?

In vino veritas.

Hey, hey, hey. Don’t knock drunk guys in bars.

It means they’re not driving.

Besides, I am a columnist.

This is what columnists are supposed to do.

It’s what you like.

We push, we stretch, we go out on a limb.

That’s what makes me good.

No, that’s what makes you unemployed.

All right, let’s consider that... that my wrist has been slapped. All right?

There. Slap. Slap. Go ahead. Just...

Slap my wrist.

That's done.

Just give me a call when,

you know, you feel that I have served my time and...

move on.

This is permanent, Ike.

If you go quietly, I’ll get you severance pay.

I’m sorry, Ike.

- Bob? Honey? - In the kitchen!

Honey, she canned him! Honey!

Bob, she canned him!

- Yay! What are you talking about? - Okay, listen, listen!

- It’s in the paper! - Try this on first.

- Okay. - All right.

I wanna read it, so come this way.

- Okay. - Okay. Ready?

- Yeah. - "Dear Maggie Carpenter,

"I apologize to you for this unfortunate matter..." Here it is.

Um, "Ike Graham’s column will no longer be appearing in this paper.

- "Best of luck in your upcoming marriage." - Okay, okay.

This is the weight you’ll be carrying in the Himalayas.

- Okay. - You let me know if it’s too heavy.

- Okay. - We’ll adjust...

A little, yeah. Yeah, a little heavy, baby.

Yeah, hi, it’s me.

Leave a message after the beep. Want to leave a fax,

buy me a fax machine.

Ike? Fisher. Get up.

I can turn this runaway bride story around.

I’m doing a photo spread for G.Q. today by the conveyor belt.

Meet me. I’ll save your tush.

Since I do freelance stuff for G.Q. now, I have an idea. You see...

What are you saying?

Vindication.

How would you like some?

A chance to prove that although your story wasn’t entirely factual,

your theory was correct.

- The real story of Miss Carpenter? - All the gory details.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And if she runs again, you got a cover story.

There you go. Right upstairs to the left.

- Thanks. How late’s the restaurant open? - 8:30, every night.

That late, huh?

Cindy, can you eighty-six Sprout?

He’s licking up all the petroleum distillates

- I’m trying to put in. - Oh, sorry.

She’s an obedience school dropout.

That so?

Have a seat?

Thank you.

See ya, in the hotel on the weekend.

- Yeah. - Come on, Dad. Hurry up.

Dad, hurry up!

You’re a goddess. You’re a goddess!

Shazam, I think I’m in Mayberry.

Didn’t have to change the gasket.

Stop.

Talking like that it turns me on and it frightens me.

Oh, you turn a girl’s head.

Whoa!

Excuse me. Hello?

Oh, excuse me. Could you help... I’m looking for Maggie Carpenter.

There was a... uh, a note on the door of the hardware store across the street.

- Are you a reporter? - What?

It’s just been our experience

that anyone who comes in here with tassels on his loafers,

is a big-city reporter wanting to do an interview with Maggie.

Mm-hmm. About her upcoming wedding and all.

Actually, about her getting that asshole from New York fired.

I am just such a reporter.

And who are you?

Peggy Flemming.

- Not the ice-skater. - Oh.

- Yeah, come in, come in. - Oh, thank you.

- And who are these lovely ladies? - Hi. I’m Cindy,

- Maggie’s unmarried cousin. - Hello.

Mrs. Pressman. No relation. Oh.

And you are?

Looking for Maggie.

Maggie, someone to see you.

I hope you’ve got a new angle, because it’s...

all pretty much been covered.

Hold on. No one interviews Maggie in here without a haircut.

Sorry. No. Just got one.

Excuse me, sir. I have a fact for you.

It’s an actual fact.

Yes, Mrs. Pressman?

This is actually her fourth wedding, not her seventh like they said.

I know. But tell me something. Do you think...

think she’s gonna make it all the way this time?

I don’t know.

She swallowed her gum.

She does that.

Mr. Shillian, he runs the newsstand.

- Also a local bookie, you know? - Yes.

He’s giving eight-to-one odds that she won’t.

Okay.

Instead of a... a haircut, how about a wash?

Get all that city grit out of your hair.

You’ll answer my questions?

Mm-hmm.

Fine. You wash,

- I’ll ask. - So,

- what do you want to know? - That's very good.

- Uh, when is the big day? - A week from Sunday.

Let’s just put this, um,

- up here like this. Because this... - Okay.

- aromatherapy can get a little strong. - All right.

The lavender, we don’t wanna put you to sleep.

Mm. You nervous?

No. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life,

except I’ve been having all kinds of weird dreams.

Uh-huh. Would you like to tell me about ’em?

Uh, yeah, sure.

- And another one... - Hey, Pete, I’ll be right with ya.

I... I go inside the church, and everyone I know is there.

And the creepiest part is I look down at my dress...

- Mm-hmm. - ...and it’s red.

I don’t know what that means.

Red is not my color!

What do you think?

I think you’d look good in red.

No, no.

She means about your hair.

My jacket, please.

Thank you.

Excuse me, sir. Do you know where I could get some shampoo?

Some strong shampoo.

Doc’s Pharmacy. Third and Elm.

- All right. - Tell ’em Pete sent you.

Uh, you want my hat?

No. No, I’m fine.

You might need it.

Mr. Graham, if you’re looking for Elm Street, it’s that way.

Thank you.

You know, if you came down in the pursuit of happiness,

you might as well go back because you can’t make me feel bad.

Look, I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m here for vindication.

- In my heart, I feel I’m right about you. - Mm.

You got me fired, lady.

You destroyed my reputation and you screwed up my hair.

You chew up men, spit ’em out

and love it.

You’re gonna do the same thing to this poor schmuck number four

that you did to the previous three.

You’re gonna run again.

And I’m not leaving until you do.

I’d love to stay and chat but I still have my job.

Hey, kid, kid, kid. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

- I’ll give you ten bucks for the hat. - Sure.

That’s right.

Sheesh.

Hey.

I’m telling you, that is a photo opportunity.

You know, when I only see one dog, I know I’ve had too much to drink.

Hey.

you’ll never guess

who came crawling into town with his tail between his legs.

Who?

Hello, Maggie.

I just came over to apologize to your family.

You know, when I’m wrong, I’m wrong. I pushed a story. I... I made a mistake.

In other words, he’s only human.

And he brought us a bottle of wine.

- They made me put my hat back on. - Yeah. Scared the hell out of Skipper.

- You’ve gotta be kidding me. - No, no. You should’ve seen Skipper.

He was like...

Then he goes... Like that.

It wasn’t that funny.

- Mm-hmm. - Well, actually it’s been quite amusing.

Walter here has been sharing his father-of-the-bride wedding memories.

You know what?

I think I’ll take this to the kitchen.

I’ll help you bring it in to the kitchen.

- Check on the crabs, Bob. - Okay.

- Is he staying for dinner? - Well, I don’t know. I mean...

I hope they don’t have a fight.

You don’t think they’d call it off, do you?

Wedding cake freezes. This we know.

You know, your daughter is such a...

- Oh, I’m sorry. - No, no, that’s all right. Tha-

that’s fine.

That’s fine. She’s such a lovely girl.

Yeah. Well, like her mother. Look.

May she rest in peace.

We were all so proud of Maggie when she was in school.

She won that American Legion scholarship to college.

She studied industrial design.

I can’t see her leaving multiple grooms in the dust like that.

Oh, yes you can. She’s got it all on tape.

- Tape? - Yeah, they’re... they're all right there.

You got tapes of the wedding?

Yeah, well, Lee at the hotel videos weddings.

Oh.

Maggie didn’t know she was gonna be running

the hundred-yard dash.

I gotta say this for my daughter, she makes real good time.

Bingo!

Maggie may not be Hale’s longest-running joke,

but she is certainly the fastest.

Ha-ha.

You know, Maggie’s mom and I were only blessed with one child.

Not for a lack of trying.

Oh, this is good, Dad. Don’t leave anything out.

I frankly consider it a bonus...

...that I’m actually able to plan and, uh, pay for so many weddings.

Not this one. This one’s on me.

Oh, that’s fair.

I don’t do it on purpose, despite what you may think,

and I have no intention of doing it again.

That’s right, Maggie. Just keep your eye on the ball.

Mm-hmm.

Sports psychology.

Bob is the, um,

head of the P.E. department at the high school,

and he coaches the football team and he’s climbed Everest.

- Everest? - Twice.

- This true? - Without oxygen.

- My girl, she likes to brag about me. - I do.

Maggie’s training for our wedding night.

I’m taking her trekking on Annapurna for our honeymoon.

- Oh, how romantic! - We think so.

Nothing like sharing your nuptial bed with two sherpas and a yak.

Hey, Ike. How’s it going?

You won’t believe what I’m looking at here. I got a video...

...of all three train wrecks.

Here’s my bride...

who’s my pride.

I’ll never hide when she’s by my side.

Here's for you Maggie, my sugar magnolia.

You want the truth?

You want the facts?

I got ’em.

Yeah, I’ll send you a copy of the notes.

Good weekend reading for you, yeah bye. And, uh, love to Ellie, okay, bye.

Sweet blossom come on, under the willow

We can have high times if you’ll abide

We can discover the wonders of nature

Rolling in the bushes down by the riverside

-Okay, Preacher man, let’s go. - Uh-oh.

Maggie, wha... Where are you going?

- Sam! - Maggie?

Sam, wait. Get back on the bike. - Okay, but how was the wedding?

Shorter than we planned. Just go.

Okay. Peace, baby!

Ave Maria

Gratia plena

- Where is she goin’? - She’s leaving.

- Where’s she goin’? - She forgot her purse.

No, she didn’t forget her purse.

Well, go after her! Do something!

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

Uh, could we hold the horse, please?

What’s wrong with the horse?

The horse seems more jittery than the bride.

I like the, uh, white tuxedo.

Yeah, but he’s no good, ’cause he’s too blond.

All right. Well, then, we just go with something very traditional.

- He’s handsome. - Hmm.

Maybe a little too dark for Bob.

Yeah, but he’s got the Bobster’s eyes.

No. No, no, no. Bobster’s eyes are closer set.

- Well, hello. - Oh, hi.

Hi. Hi. Uh, could I have two cups of coffee?

- Yes. - And... mm!

What is that wonderful smell? The...

The cinnamon rolls.

- Can I have two of those also? - Yeah, sure.

- Thank you. - Yeah, okay.

Uh, Maggie, I think this makes the best you.

Okay.

Oh, let’s see.

Look at that.

Excuse me.

Oh. Look at that.

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! Ow, ow!

Ow! Help me! Help me!

Yep, that’d be her.

- You must be that Mr. Graham fellow. - Yes, I am.

- And you are? - I’m Betty Trout.

Hi, Betty!

Okay. I guess you’ll be the one making the cake.

- Yes, I am. - Yeah.

- And I’m also told that you will... - Sure.

- Oh, oh. - That... You will be throwing...

- I’m throwing the luau for Maggie. - Oh.

A pre-wedding luau.

So, if you’re still in town, you should stop by.

No. No, he doesn’t wanna come.

I’d love to come.

- I'll be there. Thank you so much. - Is that what you’re gonna do, now?

Are you just gonna follow me around everywhere I go?

No.

I’ll be back, Betty.

Bye, Mr. Graham.

He’s not a nice person.

Oh, well, I know.

That’s my pick.

The eyes are perfect.

We always win! We never fail!

We’re the Comets, so go to Hale!

Let’s go, Comets! Let’s go!

Let’s go, Comets! Let’s go!

- Hi, Miss Carpenter. - Hey, Kendall.

Maggie, don’t marry Coach.

Marry me. I love you.

You’re jail bait, Dennis. Go away.

Go away! Run your laps! Go. Go, go.

Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! From the hips! From the hips! Keep it low, men!

Keep it low!

Good job, gentlemen! Good job. All right, special teams!

Special teams!

Hey, honey. How are you?

- Good. - Mm.

What is he up to now?

Ah, Ike just dropped by to check out the team.

- Oh. - And to talk about you.

- Aw. - Yes!

You aren’t making friends with this man?

Aw, honey, I’m just... I'm just

bragging about how good you are

- and how I’m the luckiest man alive. - Mm-hmm.

Sweet. Mm.

Well...

I better be moving. Got a lot of work to do today.

- All right. - See you lovebirds later.

See you at the weddin’.

Yeah. Thanks for the jacket, Coach.

You invited him to the wedding?

Go, go, Comets! Let’s go!

-Go, go, Comets! Let’s go! - Don’t you realize that

- he’s writing another article about me? - Well, sure I do, but you’re not running.

Come on. Give me some of that homemade sunshine.

Hmm.

- Boys! - Stop!

Take my princess for a ride on her chariot.

Oh, my God!

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

My last confession was...

Mm.

Anyway...

...I have sort of a technical question.

I’ve been having...

bad thoughts.

Really bad thoughts.

- Of an impure nature? - No, no. Uh...

I want to destroy this man’s life, career, everything. I want revenge.

Now, on the sin scale,

how bad is that?

Can I Hail Mary my way out of that?

- My child, any sin in one’s heart... - The name is Maggie.

It was this side of ten years ago you had your tongue down my throat.

So, don’t "My child me", Brian, okay? It annoys me.

- Look, Mag. Don’t get so upset. - You watch it! Hey, hey!

Oh! Hey, Brian, talk to me! Brian! I need to talk to you!

- Maggie? Mag? - Oh.

You’re not even Catholic, so you shouldn’t be here.

I’m... I’m sorry. I’m just so stressed out

about this slime ball reporter being in town,

and I wanted to tell you that he might stop by here

and as you all kinds of ridiculous questions.

Well, he only actually asked me one ridiculous question

and the rest really weren’t so bad.

What?

Oh, you talked to him?

Ooh, did you tell him that we dated before you were a priest?

Of course.

But, you know, I think I only did you good.

W... What exactly did he ask?

- I... - Am I too late, Father?

- No, no. - It won’t take long.

- Just two minutes. - Okay, yeah, go. Yes.

Um, just respectful things.

Uh, what kind of music did you like? What did we have in common back then?

Did you ruin my life when you left me at the altar?

Oh.

What did you say?

I said, you know, how could I be angry when this is clearly as God intended

for it to be for me?

Good one! Thanks.

But actually it’s... it’s really...

really how I feel.

Of course. God, yes. Not...

God, uh... I’m sorry.

I better go.

The man is a lunatic, but I think I know exactly where he’s going next.

God bless.

Oh, my purse. I forgot my purse.

Um, hi. Thanks. Sorry.

Purse. Good luck.

Uh, what was the one ridiculous question that he asked?

Oh, he wanted to know how you liked your eggs?

Oh.

Weird.

Like a person’s gonna remember after all this time.

Scrambled with salt,

pepper and dill. Same as me.

I’m sorry I hurt you, Brian.

Maggie, I... I’m happy now here. It’s where I’m supposed to be.

But...

if you ever do decide to become a Catholic,

will you do me this favor, confess to Father Patrick?

Of course.

- Gill? Lydia? - Mags!

Hey, look, the tape. Remember? Radio City Music Hall concert

when Jerry was on Ripple and I’m going like, "Dude, let me jam."

- Yeah! I’ll play it for you. - Uh, Gill, listen, um,

- You remember, Maggie. You were there. - Can you focus on me?

There’s this reporter who’s making my life a living hell.

Okay.

And whatever you do...

...do not show him that picture of me from the concert in San Francisco.

Okay? Can you...

- What is that? - Um...

- Huh? - Wait. San Francisco. Wait.

We went there a few times. There’s a lot of pictures.

Which picture? Because one time we had a flat tire, you remember?

- Then we switched... - Maggie...

Maggie Carpenter topless...

in a public arena.

Mm!

I...

I see it was a very chilly evening.

Mm-hmm.

You know, what’s really interesting about this, though, is that you can’t see

that rose tattoo

on your back.

Oh, yeah. Ike bet me 50 bucks you don’t still have it.

I said, "You’re on, man! Maggie loved that thing."

And, Maggie, seriously, I mean, I could use 50 bucks.

- Mm-hmm. - Maggie?

Just...

Uh, look, I’m not gonna show you guys anything. I am a soon-to-be-married woman,

- so just give me the photograph. - I would love to give you this.

Believe me, I would. Just give us a quick gander at that rose,

and I’ll gladly turn it over to you.

Fine. Ha! Fine, okay?

Fine.

Okay? All right.

- Satisfied? - Completely.

Maggie...

you got it removed?

- Gill... - Gill,

I’ll go you double or nothing it was a stick-on.

Maggie?

Gill, I am, uh, really, really

afraid...

of needles. But that doesn’t make me a bad person.

- I just... - Look.

Look. Look.

I think this man is heartbroken.

- He’s not. - I think I am.

No, you... you're... you're not.

You have your guitar and you have Lydia. You’re not...

We’ll talk about this later, okay?

Hey, Ike?

What would Jerry do?

- He’d play. - Jerry would play.

He would play.

Wow, there’s Ike with the mayor and the police chief.

Boy, he sure makes friends easy.

That’s pretty cool.

Oh, yeah! That's right!

- Hey, you’re that reporter, right? - Yeah.

There he is again.

Snoop Doggy Dogg.

- I’m going to marry Maggie someday. - Oh, really?

He’s an attractive man.

The vicious reporter is attractive?

- Well... - You’re saying viciousness

- is attractive? - I’m not saying

- viciousness is attractive. - That’s very telling.

Do you think... Okay, he’s coming.

- I’ll go... - No, no, no, no!

- Okay. - Don’t leave. Don’t leave. Uh...

- okay, act natural. - Okay.

Um, he can probably read lips.

Hey, the famous Swenson triplets. Give me 15. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well done.

- I’ll handle this... - Don’t move your lips.

- Okay? Keep going. - I'll handle this.

- Okay. - I won’t say anything.

- Okay. Okay, good. - I’ll handle it.

Yeah, Cory!

- Hey, Peggy Flemming. - Hey.

- Not the ice-skater. - Hey, that’s Maggie’s seat.

Yes, and this must be her beer too.

- Mm. - Hey!

Hey, sweetie!

Is your husband out here?

- Yeah. - This is Cory?

Cory Flemming?

Uh, he’s a radio announcer here, isn’t he?

Yeah, that’s right. Have you heard his morning show, Wake Up with Flem?

Not yet.

Now up, Atlantic Hotel’s Lee Thistlehorn.

He actually made the All-Stars in high school.

- Really? You must be very proud of him. - Yeah.

Well, I didn’t really know him back then. I mean, he was actually dating Maggie...

at the time. I mean, he...

he never really...

I mean, they were never gonna get engaged or anything.

- No, no. - I mean, it was just like,

you know, sometimes he’d call her Magpie and it was really irritating.

- Magpie? - But it...

- I don’t know why I’m telling you this. - No, it’s... it's good. This is good.

He's stealing third!

Yes!

Excellent!

Yeah! Yes!

- Yay! - Good one!

Mag-pie!

Just...

Excellent!

It’s nice that, um, they’re...

still friends.

Yeah, I mean, that was just a long time ago and you know,

it’s just...

So...

- excuse me. - You all right?

Yeah.

That makes it: Alumni: 9, Hale Students: 8.

- Hey, Peggy! - Hey!

Cookies for today’s game were donated by Betty Trout.

Now up for the Comets, George Hill.

You have been here, like three minutes?

What did you do to her? What?

You can just turn that finger around.

Excuse me?

"Oh, Cory, Cory, Cory. Bam, bam, bam." What is that? What is this about?

You know what? We have all been friends our entire lives.

A type of relationship that you obviously don’t understand.

Look, I’m not the only one who does not understand.

The U.S.S. Maggie leaves quite a wake.

Excuse me.

Pot-stirrer man.

Cory Flemming to Lee Vendelhorn...

Lee! All right!

That’s cheering. I’m cheering normal.

Cheer...

normal.

- Good morning, Peggy! - Good morning!

Do you think I flirt with Cory?

Good morning to you, too.

You look good.

Thank you.

Do you think I flirt with Cory?

Yes.

- I don’t mean to. - I know.

I think sometimes you just sort of...

spaz out with excess flirtatious energy, and it just...

lands on anything male that moves.

Anything male that moves?

As opposed to anything male that doesn’t?

Well...

like certain kinds of coral.

I’m definitely gonna have to kill myself today.

- Why? - Because you think I’m all like...

- "Hey, man, check me out!" - No, I don’t.

I think you’re like...

"I’m charming and mysterious in a way that even I don’t understand,

"and something about me is crying out for protection from a big man like you."

It’s very hard to compete with, especially as

married women who’ve lost our mystery.

Lost... You have... You are totally mysterious!

No. I’m weird.

Weird and mysterious are two very different things.

- I’m weird. - No.

You’re quirky.

Quirky and weird are two very different things.

Peggy, I think there is a distinct possibility

that I am profoundly and irreversibly...

screwed up.

Despite that...

I love you and I promise...

to no longer flirt with Cory.

Maggie,

I’m not worried about you and Cory or... Or me and Cory or...

or you being irreversibly screwed up.

Maggie, you’ve been like this since we were kids,

and all I’m thinking is,

now that you’re aware of it...

and that it hurts people’s feelings sometimes,

maybe it’s time to get on with life and commit to someone of your own,

like Bob, if he’s the one.

I know.

Is there anything I can do to...

make it up to you?

Well, there’s always

the thing that brings warmth to my heart...

and that is duck-billed platypus.

Duck-billed... That is only funny in, like, Camp Birchwood...

- Just do it. Do it. - ...on a trip

with the tent and my leg as the pole, and it’s raining and...

You know, that’s the only time that’s funny.

Let’s just see.

Oh.

That’s so humiliating.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Farewell ladies, farewell ladies

We’re going to leave you now

Merrily we roll along Roll along, roll along...

-Merrily we roll along... - Lee. Hey, wake up!

- Hey! - Hello!

Hey. Hi. Give me the key to the reporter’s room.

I’m gonna snoop around a bit.

- Come on, quick. Wake up. - Okay, okay.

- Second floor. - Thank you.

- Don’t take anything big. - Okay.

Shh!

Hmm.

Hopefully his favorite.

You know, my theory is that she’s always running

because she gets negative attention and negative attention is attention.

You know, like when women whack you on the street because of your column.

That’s negative attention.

We’re talking about her negative attention, not mine.

"How does she get all those guys to propose? She’s not that beautiful."

Bite me, paperboy.

Ooh!

Hey, hey.

- Hi, Ike. - Hey, Ralph.

You put your shoes out at night and they’re real shiny in the morning.

Sometimes they don’t bring ’em back.

- Hmm, why take a chance? - Good night.

All right, I know you’re in there! I saw...

You realize you’re messing with the First Amendment now.

Come on, open up.

Come on!

I think, we should have a very serious discussion

about why you are such a pain in the ass! Now, come on, open the door!

All right, I’m coming in. I’m coming through.

It's your last chance, here I come.

Here I come! Here I come!

All right. Hey.

All right. Breaking and entering. That’s a felony! I’m calling the sheriff.

Oh, you know what? You do that. And can you remind him

that he’s bringing the wine to the luau?

Save me a call. Thanks so much.

Hey, Ike, does your friend have a sister?

Wait for the original. She’ll be available in a week.

Freeze. Oh.

Hold onto those covers. I didn’t come here to see Ike junior.

I take it the desk clerk is one of your many admirers.

So, your notes made for, um,

- interesting reading. - What’s your point?

My point is, once again, you’re getting it all wrong.

That’s not going to improve your reputation

and it’s not very flattering to me, either. So...

I decided...

that I would help you write the truth.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Oh.

I’ve decided to cooperate and let you interview me...

for a thousand bucks.

I want a big wedding and a killer dress,

and for a grand,

I will answer all your questions and let you follow me around.

The magazine does not spend money for stories.

It’s not what you would call ethical.

Oh. No, I meant you. I figured you probably got severance

or expenses or both.

I’m guessing...

that you’re writing on spec.

And with a first-person interview, you might actually sell that thing.

Too much.

Seven-fifty.

- Five hundred. - Six-fifty.

Done.

Oh.

Is that supposed to be like a joke or something?

- I know what you’re whistling. Hello. - Hi.

This is a birthday present for my cousin.

That’s great.

Wonderful stuff. All these found industrial parts.

Lamp. Tree? Great.

Is this... That your preferred logo?

I think so.

It’s nice. The whole thing is great. I think...

Look, I... I think you could sell these lamps in New York.

Maybe someday. Hmm.

You afraid to try?

No. No, no, I’m not afraid. Just...

someday.

This is Brian.

Ooh, Father Brian.

And Gill’s, of course.

- Gill, yeah! - And...

George.

He proposed at a butterfly farm in St. Thomas.

The ring was inside a cocoon.

A little too Silence of the Lambs for my taste, but...

Well, he’s an entomologist.

I thought it was very unique.

- And finally, Bob. - Mm-hmm.

He proposed during the seventh-inning stretch...

at an Oriole game.

Wait, wait, wait! Don’t tell me.

The scoreboard lit up with, "Marry me, Maggie?"

It was one of the most wonderful moments of my life.

I don’t know. Highly suspect.

What do you mean? It was incredibly romantic.

Look, maybe it’s just me, but...

you know, if you gotta dress it up like that, it just doesn’t ring true.

And I...

I think the most that anybody can honestly say is...

"Look, I guarantee

"there’ll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point...

"one or both of us is gonna wanna get out of this thing.

"But I also guarantee

"that if I don’t ask you to be mine...

"I’ll regret it the rest of my life,

"’cause I know,

"in my heart...

"you’re the only one for me."

I like it.

I’d like it better on a scoreboard.

So, is that what you said when you asked your wife to marry you?

Well, don’t look so surprised. You got divorce written all over you.

I’m a work in progress.

So, is that what you said to her?

No, I think I said something very eloquent, like...

"So, um,

"hmm, maybe you and I should, you know...

"What do you think, huh?"

Now, that’s romantic.

And with a proposal like that...

you didn’t find eternal bliss?

What went wrong?

I don’t know.

You don’t know?

No.

Maybe you should ask her sometime, never thought of that?

Even with everything that’s happened,

I have still never been married,

and I still deserve a beautiful dress.

Mrs. Whittenmeyer?

- Where are you going? - Oh, hi, Polly.

Oh, hi, Maggie. You’ll have to excuse her. Some of the children are afraid of you

since you dragged that little boy up the aisle.

Drag? No, I didn’t...

No, he tripped on his own shoelaces.

You’ve come for your dress. Good. It’s in the back.

- I’ll get it. - Oh, actually, Mrs. Whittenmeyer...

I decided...

that I wanna get this dress.

Oh.

The one you have on hold is lovely, dear.

No, I know. But I’ve just... I’ve changed my mind.

This is 1,000 dollars.

And I have 1,000 dollars.

The other one is only 300, dear.

Um...

is that dress for sale?

It’s just a lot of money to spend on one of your dresses, Maggie.

After all, you only wear them for about ten minutes or so.

Um, yeah, yeah. I guess that’s true.

Uh...

- the other dress is... is nice. - Mrs. Whittenmeyer?

- Meyer. - Whittenmeyer.

Can I talk to you just for a second?

Come here.

I don’t know much about this kind of thing. I’m from out of town.

- But you’re a salesperson, right? - Right.

And you’re here to sell wedding dresses.

- Oh, I’ve been here 30 years. - Perfect.

Because Miss Carpenter is here to buy one.

Ah, but not just any one. She wants that one!

- It’s a thousand dollars. - Uh, listen, Aunt Bea...

uh, verbal communication was never perfect for me.

Let’s try visual, all right?

We’re buying the dress.

- Now! - Oh!

We’ll have this nice, beautiful dress

and anything else she wants, it’s hers, okay?

All right?

What do you think?

Hmm?

You look...

You look fine.

Fine?

You’re reading your newspaper upside-down. That’s gotta be better than "fine".

Yeah.

Hey, come on now. Admire me.

Get the whole picture. All right? Picture it. I’m gonna have my hair up,

somehow, I don’t know. Maybe with a little in the back or... and,

my favorite feature is that it kinda

swishes like a bell when I move.

Ding. Ding. Ding.

Ding.

It works.

Bob will be very happy.

Oh, Bob! Oh, we gotta go! We gotta go. We gotta go meet Bob!

Geez, yeah, I’m going to the luau. I'd never miss it.

- You know, the barbershop quartet... - Mrs. Pressman?

We’re ready to order here, I think.

- Uh, I’m all out of the special because... - That’s all right.

I’m gonna have the garden omelet, egg whites only.

- Okay. - Mm, that sounds good. I’ll have the same.

Of course.

What is that? I can’t even order eggs without sarcasm from you?

Hey, neutral corners, huh?

- You’re on the same team now. - What's that sound?

- Have some water. - Penalty box.

- What is it? Fur ball or... - Penalty box. Penalty box.

- Oh. - Hmm? Ike,

Maggie is the sweetest person you’re ever gonna meet

but she focuses too much, you know, out there.

She needs to start focusing more in here. I mean, that’s...

why I think she’s had, the...

uh, whatever you wanna call it, problems in the past.

And that’s what we’re working on. Focus. Focus. F...

Focus on Maggie. Focus on Maggie.

- Mm-hmm. - Focus on Bob.

Focus on Bob.

And I’ve been running Maggie through these visualization exercises.

All the sports shrinks, uh, use this head stuff.

Uh, visualize the end zone.

Visualize that hole in one.

Tell me, when you get to the altar,

will you spike the bouquet?

- Okay, you know what... - Well, I’m off.

A reporter’s work is never done.

See you later. Bye, Mrs. Pressman. Thank you.

I’m gonna go focus on your eggs, Bob.

I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to try to explain.

There are reasons why there have been three weddings and no I do’s.

Oh, you can’t believe how much cake we got stuck with.

It’s a wonder I don’t weigh 300 pounds. And then,

her father bought all that booze that nobody drank.

- But he didn’t mind that, I... - Hi, Grandma.

- Hi, Netta. - Grammy here was giving me the skinny

- on why you run from marital bliss. - Right.

Netta, cover up your ears.

It’s not that she’s afraid of the wedding.

She’s afraid of the wedding night!

- Mm. - Innocent girls are terrified

of the one-eyed snake.

Why, when I was a virgin bride,

I took a knitting needle to bed with me.

Uh...

Grandma, I charmed the one-eyed snake a while ago.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot. Well, I’ll tell you one thing.

Your grandpa never forgot that wedding night.

Netta, you can take your hands down. The tea’s cold.

- Good. - Um, can you excuse us for a minute?

- May I have a word with you, please? - Oh.

Bye, Netta. Bye. Thanks, Grammy.

Ah.

I found this, and I didn’t know if it was something interesting.

Oh, this is Miles Davis!

Oh, I was cleaning out the attic,

- and... - This is amazing.

It is very hard to find in good condition.

You hold on to this. This is incredible.

Why don’t you take it?

Hmm.

Huh?

Take it.

Okay, figuring out what kind of music I like,

finding me a rare album, not trying to butter me up, are you?

I was cleaning out the attic,

not attempting the impossible.

I smell trouble.

This is Cory Flemming and I’ll be featuring the music of

Denise and The Nephews tomorrow morning on

Wake Up with Fle...

What have we got here?

Come on, big guy. Oh! Here. Oh, on our feet. There we go. Let’s go!

Let’s go, big guy. Yeah.

I haven’t had any fun since you got your driver’s license.

Well, let me give you a tip.

I haven’t been having a whole lot of fun either. Whoa.

Steady.

- Good boy, Porthole. - His name’s Skipper, Dad.

- I changed it. - Ah. Okay, step.

Ah, I’ll be back later, Travis.

- That guy Travis really has a problem. - Mm-mm.

- Okay. Here we are. - Listen... Our guests...

Okay. Steady.

Now, I’m gonna... You’re gonna lean, I’m gonna push.

Good daughters let their fathers pass out.

Hey, Walter.

Get right down there.

I... Please, please don’t write anything about...

No, forget about it. Don't... Don’t even think about it.

I’m just so tired of this whole scene.

Why don’t you just let him sleep it off here in the truck?

Come for a ride with me, and come back for him later.

Okay.

Well, he’s been drinking more and more since my mom passed away.

So, that’s when you quit school to come back here?

Yeah, I had to come run the store for my dad.

Well, my dad had a small printing business.

He wanted me to become a classical musician.

My mother wanted me to be a novelist.

They were 0 for 2.

More?

So, I, um...

I became a reporter.

Not quite a novelist, but as we all know,

journalism...

is literature in a hurry.

What? What? What is this?

What kind of gas did you put in here? Diesel?

I don’t know. The pump closest to the car.

Whoa!

This car takes unleaded. Your filter is clogged.

Can you fix it?

- I’m gonna need to get some tools. - Oh, good.

Kinda isolated here.

Yeah, it’s nice.

Well, if there’s one thing us New Yorkers know how to do, that's...

hail a cab! If there’s no cab, we walk.

Uh, well if we

saved your battery here, um...

there’s a place just down the way.

We country girls cut across the field. It’s quicker.

Oh! Be careful of, um, snakes.

- What? - Snakes.

- I don’t like snakes. - Walk nice. They won’t get ya.

- Come on, come on. Come on. Come on! - What are you... what are you doing?

Snake dance?

I’m scaring the snakes.

You’re scaring me.

I’m scaring myself.

Do you think there’s one right person for everybody?

No, but I think attraction is too often...

mistaken for rightness.

And attraction’s very misleading. It’s, uh...

- Yes, it is. And it doesn’t mean anything. - No. No, no. No, no.

It mean's...

I, uh...

suddenly forgot how to climb a fence.

- Tools. - Tools. Yeah.

Lionel?

Do you have tools?

Hey, Maggie. What are you gonna do, bust out of another wedding?

You sure are well known around here.

No, no. No, Fish, it’s almost done. I swear. I swear.

This story has taken a very interesting turn.

I got one more interview to do, up in New York. I’ll see you there later.

You could have told me that you were fiancé number three.

And end up in the papers?

I’ve been humiliated enough already to last a lifetime, thank you.

I was traveling around,

studying the reproductive and migratory patterns of locusts

when Maggie met me.

So, tell me, George, why do you think she ran?

Just like you said. What did you call her? "A man-eater"?

"Devouring death-goddess." Right?

That’s what I said. I don’t think that’s why she ran.

- So, why do you think she ran? - I don’t know.

I’m workin’ on it. I was on the wrong track.

- Are you... are you defending her? - No!

No, I... I call it like I see it, that’s all. I’m a journalist.

- I’m a truth-teller. - Unbelievable!

- What? - She got to you too.

- Like a moth to a flame. - Please!

- Join the club. - What are you talking about?

I think you need this much more than I do.

I'm a journalist, I’m doing an article...

Look, see? See, I’m being paid. This will be published.

It’s a cover story. I will tell the...

You will get all the facts, in the article.

Do you know what kind of eggs she liked?

Poached.

Same as me.

Overpriced apartment and Chinese takeout.

- That’s New York living. - Fisher, don’t forget the fortune cookies.

Oh, I already read the fortune. You... You don’t want to know.

Oh, he makes me crazy.

Hostility is a very important part of your foreplay, isn’t it?

It takes three people to make our marriage work,

him, me and our therapist.

Ellie, what went wrong?

With us. With the two of us, I mean.

You know, it’s been...

been a long time. But do you remember?

Uh, yeah. Do I remember?

Of course, I do.

Is that what... Did I do the same thing...

Is that what happened? Did I just...

not see you?

No.

No, you didn’t.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, Ellie.

I’m sorry too, Ike.

Wow. That only took us 12 years to say.

I saw that, you cad.

You asked for it, you got it. Here you go.

My dear.

There you are. Get your fortune. Let me see what...

All right, Confucius say, "Man who leave wife alone with ex-husband

"may leave altogether." Uh-huh.

Hope it’s better than last year.

- Or the last ten years. - Wow.

A hand for our fabulous hula dancers.

There they are. King and Queen.

Walter,

I’m thinking about going back to my maiden name.

Can you still remember it?

I’m not... It’s not... You know...

It’s just I haven’t seen him in 24 hours and I would...

feel better if I knew where he was.

You see?

In a little grass shack In Kealakekua, Hawaii

Welcome to our annual luau.

What can I get you?

Aloha, Mr. Trout. Uh...

Have you got something without a toy in it?

Get down, sweetheart.

Oh, I’m hearing it. Here.

Aloha.

That’s a very fetching headdress you’re wearing.

Where did... where did you disappear to?

Missed me bad, huh?

We have our winner right here!

Yeah! All right, Bob.

Well, it’s chow time here on the islands, and we Trouts

have prepared our traditional feast, Shrimp Trout.

So, let’s all, uh, meet over at the tables.

- You’re not allergic to shrimp, are you? - Mm-mm. No.

Oh. Pity.

Attention! Pay attention to Walter. Listen closely, he slurs.

In the tradition that has grown on over the years, it is now toast time.

First up, our host, Lou

a honey of a beekeeper, Trout.

May the groom’s heart be filled with hope

and the bride's feet, filled with lead.

May the pitter-patter of little feet not be Maggie’s.

May the gifts be returnable.

- I took mine back. - You know the old saying,

uh, "You’re not losing a daughter"? Well, I’d like to!

Maggie may not be Hale’s longest-running joke,

but she is certainly the fastest!

Good one, Dad.

- Uncle Walter, maybe Mr. Graham... - Ah.

Here we are. Would you like to say something, Mr. Graham?

Yeah, just a minute. Just a minute. I don’t know yet.

- You okay? - Come on, Ike.

Take a shot at Maggie live. It’s much more fun than print.

- Excuse me? - Well, it’s a joke. They’re kidding...

- Uh-huh. - ...Ike.

- Yeah, come on. Come on, let’s go. - Yeah.

All right. I’ll add a toast!

Yeah! Come on!

To, uh, to Maggie’s family and friends.

May you find yourselves the bull’s-eye...

of an easy target.

May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices...

and may your noses

be rubbed in all of your mistakes.

Well, that was funny but enough toasting. Let’s hula!

Everybody! Let’s get up and at last start the band!

Up and everybody, we’re gonna make a line right down here. Everybody, up.

Maggie.

- Maggie? - Lou,

where are those hula dancers? Honey, go find the girls.

- Here. She might need this. - Everybody gets a hula...

Where’d Maggie go to?

Oh, she just went to get me something from her car.

- Well, maybe she needs help. - Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.

- Okay. The guard. Who threw the block. - Yeah.

- Okay? Forrest Gregg. - No, no, no. Elijah Pitts.

- He was a running back. - The Fridge. Refrigerator Perry?

Maggie?

Hey.

Here’s a coat. Put this coat on.

- It’s cold out here. - Don’t pretend to be a nice person!

I was the only person in there defending you.

You humiliated me!

No, Maggie. I defended you.

Humiliating you is what everyone else did in there!

- That is the theme of the party tonight. - No, no.

It was under control, now they all feel sorry for me.

They should. They’re about to see you hang yourself again.

- What do you keep... - Tell me something,

Do you really care about Mount Everest?

I... It’s fun. It’s... high!

Sexual practices of locusts?

Every one of those times, I was being supportive.

Not supportive!

You weren’t being supportive, you were scared.

You were scared then, you’re scared now.

- You are the most lost woman I have... - Lost?

Yes, lost. You’re so...

You were so lost, you didn’t even know what kind of eggs you like.

- Yes! - What?

Yes. Yes, that’s right. With the priest, you wanted scrambled.

With... with the Deadhead, it was fried. With the other guy, the bug guy,

it was... it was poached. Now, it's like...

"Egg whites only, thank you very much."

That is called changing your mind.

No, that’s called not having a mind of your own.

Maggie, what are you doing?

You really want that guy up there to drag you up Annapurna?

For your honeymoon?

You do not want to climb Annapurna!

Yes, I do!

No, you don’t.

You want a man...

who’ll lead you down the beach...

with his hand over your eyes...

just so you can discover the feel of sand under your feet.

You want a guy...

that'll wake you up at dawn...

because he’s bursting to talk to you. Can’t wait another minute, just...

to find out what you’ll say.

Am I right?

Stop it.

I am getting married on Sunday.

And you are just trying to make me run...

because you’re a cynical, exploitative...

mean-hearted creep who wouldn’t know real love if it bit him in the armpit.

All you do is...

is tear others down and...

and laugh at them and criticize what they do,

because you’re too afraid to do anything yourself.

I've read your columns.

You never...

once wrote anything about yourself.

I am not the only one...

that is lost.

And you know it.

Am I right?

Am I right?

Mag? Hey! Help me out here.

Green Bay, right guard. Uh, you know, Bart Starr?

Uh...

- You okay? - Yes.

Take you inside. Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

- Jerry Kramer. - Jerry Kramer!

Grandma.

- What’s for lunch? - Turkey and cheese.

Honey, your grandmother and I are thinking about

having a wedding gift museum.

Stop.

- What? - Stop. Don’t say another word like that.

- Maggie, it was just a joke. - No!

It’s humiliating and it’s gone on long enough.

You may not like that you have a daughter with problems.

But guess what?

I don’t like that I have a father who’s drunk all the time.

I’ll eat in my room.

Okay. Tell me why Maggie’s having another rehearsal?

And two days before the wedding. She’s already done this!

Well, Bob insisted she visualize the ceremony.

Okay! We’re ready!

- Do you want me to have Ike leave now? - Uh, actually, let’s make Ike the pastor.

- Ah, I’d rather not. - No, it’ll give you a great view.

- I think it’s perfect. Okay? Hey. - Hey!

Okay!

Team effort, Pastor Ike.

- He’s going to be the pastor? - Yes.

Yes, because I want him front and center so he can just see everything.

Have a seat. Right there. That’s it. Okay. Cindy? Foyer.

Ready?

What happened at the luau?

I...

I don’t... I... I don’t want to talk about the luau, okay?

What is this?

- That’s for the bell. - Oh.

- Bob’s in a hurry. - Oh.

- Girls? - Okay, Maggie.

Remember what Bob said, let us visualize. Be the ball.

- Sink the putt. - Make the shot.

- Nothing but net. - Never say die.

- Move your butts. - Girls! Where are you?

On our way, Coach.

This is the bell.

Ooh.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Tough... Whoa!

What’s she doing?

She’s "being the bell,"

instead of the ball.

"Sanctuary. Sanctuary."

Mags, you okay?

Anyway.

Look, at this pace, this could become an evening wedding.

Okay, okay. You know something?

It’s great. I just think we’re taking this

a little too fast. Right? You’re tensing? You feel it?

Right? We just need to limber you up for a second, okay?

- Ike, come here. Come here. - Yeah.

Ike, you’re me.

Stand here so she knows how far she’s gotta come. Honey?

I’m gonna walk with you. Okay? And...

Now he’s the groom?

Just relax. Limber. Visualize, visualize.

Relax. Limber.

And...

And...

You're the football spiraling...

...through the air...

to the waiting hands of the groom...

"I’m spiraling through the air.

"I am...

"streaking...

"toward the...

"goal line...

Keep eye contact, keep eye contact...

"...and I land on the goal line."

Good. Good.

Good, okay. And I’m the pastor, and I say,

"Dearly Beloved, uh, we’re gathered here,

"blah, blah, blah. So on and so forth,

"rat-a-tat-tat, yabba dabba...

"Uh, I now pronounce you man and wife."

Kiss the bride, we have the organ crescendo.

That just leads us right on down the aisle!

And we are man and...

No!

Maggie?

Uh, Ma...

Okay, okay. Well, okay. Okay, so if you, uh...

If you were imagining me, you did great...

- What the hell were you doing? - Uh, Bob, I’m really sorry about that.

She kissed me back.

- I kissed you back? - Yes, you did. You kissed me back.

Yeah, caught that.

You want to tell me how long this has been going on?

About a minute.

A little longer for me.

Really?

What do you expect me to say to this?

- Hello? - Well, Bob, you could say, uh,

"Well, I hope you two will be really happy together."

I hope you two will be really happy together.

Uh, uh, take care of him.

- Oh, are you okay? - Yeah, yeah.

Bob?

Bob!

Bob, I’m sorry. I’m... I...

At least this time I backed out before the wedding!

That’s progress!

You are going to find some woman

who can make you so much happier than I ever could!

Look out.

Ooh! See? See? It’s happening already.

- She’s good with needy men. - Yeah.

Uh, yeah.

Well, um...

- Why don’t you just call me later? - Yeah. Okay.

Bob? This may not be a good time,

but here’s my number.

Drive safely, Bob!

Kid wants to lock up and go home.

How’s Bob?

Mm. Okay.

So, what just happened just now?

- Then. In there. - I don’t know. I...

I frankly...

I don’t even want to talk about it.

Me neither.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

Wait. No, no, no. No, no. we can’t. Stop.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, we gotta...

We have to talk, we have to... we have to talk.

We have to do some talking now, all right? Just...

uh, come over here. Pull up a...

- Pull up a rail. - I was enjoying it. Okay.

All right.

We’re...

- Just give me a little space here. - Okay.

All right.

Do you think may...

Well, you do have a dress.

And the church.

And the wedding date.

And there’s the two of us.

Maybe...

You do have to go down the aisle...

with somebody...

that you love...

and who loves you back.

Who?

I’m okay with that.

So am I.

I’m getting married.

You do this often?

Well, there’s not a lot to do around here.

I just believe he’s listening to you.

His hair, any color.

I like his tight butt.

- Grandma. - Well, I do.

Hey, I’ll see you at the wedding. Right?

I mean, you’re gonna be there, huh? It’s gonna be in 37 hours.

I didn’t miss the first one.

We’re gonna spend part of the time here in town, ’cause he wants to write a book.

Well, you always wanted to write a novel!

I feel inspired here. I feel... I feel like I can write. I wanna write.

Ike is getting married!

Fisher, if you pee on that Persian, I’m gonna kill you.

Hi! It’s him. He’s on the phone.

Oh.

-Hi. Hi. - Hi.

-What are you doing? - Nothing.

- Pick that up. - What are you doing?

- That’s all right. That’s all right. - Nothing.

Wow, I see the most beautiful girl...

He can see me!

That’s trump.

Ah! Double Dutch! Double Du...

You were trying to cheat. It doesn’t work.

I’m the winner!

See now, this is a mature relationship.

Wedding bells are ringing in Hale, Maryland.

Maggie Carpenter, always a bride, never a bridesmaid,

is attempting to complete her fourth wedding ceremony.

We’ll be back when results are in. Back to you, Jessica.

Well, the turnout for this morning’s ceremony

is usually saved for royalty or Hollywood movie stars,

but Maggie Carpenter is Hale, Maryland’s very own...

Get your T-shirts here. I got "Bye-Bye Bridey."

I got, "What part of 'I do' don’t you understand?"

Hey, get your "Runaway Bride T-shirts here.

Will she or won’t she? That's on the minds of these

several hundred folks standing here this morning

not to mention on the mind of groom number four, who is missing in action.

- He’s gonna stand me up. - Oh, of course he’s gonna come.

Because today I saw eight geese flying in a V.

Oh, you with the lucky geese. You always see geese!

- Not eight! - And in a V.

- Okay, eight is better? - Eight in a V.

- Can you imagine? - V. V for, uh, victory?

- Victory! - Victory!

And...

- Velcro. - Okay.

- Velcro is stuck together! Virginal. - Oh.

Okay.

- Well, you know... - I’m sweaty,

- I’m... I’m nervous. Where are my bags? - Okay.

No bags. Bags are for later. Um, rub your ears. Rub your ears.

Rub your ears. That’s a great idea.

That’s a very good idea. Rub your ears.

Cory does that to me sometimes, little...

- ...and you just... - We do it to the dog.

Get your "I don’t think she will" shirt.

These shirts are not sold in stores!

Here comes Ike Graham!

Show time.

- That’s better. That’s, uh... - Oh, good.

- ...that's pretty nice, actually. - Yeah?

- Yeah, that's nice. - He’s here!

- Hold ear. - Okay.

I see him!

And Ike Graham has arrived at the church.

- Is this your first marriage? - This your last marriage?

Any little Grahams in the future?

- Oh, he gets whacked! - Thanks.

- All right. Okay. First. Yes. Okay. - Yes, you could see him.

- All right. Okay. Okay. Oh... - Just... Who makes this?

- Who? - All right. The veil is not attacking you.

Okay, okay.

Now is the time to calm down.

- Yes. - Because if you don’t get calm,

we won’t get your dress on.

A girl can’t get married in flannel.

He’s the one.

He really is the one.

You’re not invited! You got...

Oh, you really... Go back into your hole. Get out of here.

He’s the one!

He’s the one!

We gotta hurry, ’cause the Sunday school kids are coming.

- Mrs. Pressman... - Don’t worry. There’s no microphone.

Please, put it there.

- No fun. - No. No fun.

Listen, I was going to do this Scorsese thing,

- where I come down the aisle... - Just do it. Shoo.

Ike.

Friends! Oh, God.

God, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you. We are friends, aren’t we, Fisher?

- Of course, we are, of course. - Yes, and you’ll be my best man.

- I’m good, but I’m not sure I’m the best. - Just go over and see the pastor.

- He’ll tell you what to do. - All right.

And someone will tell me what to do.

Mm. You always looked great in that suit.

And, Ike...

I’m happy for you, honey.

I have a car waiting out back for you just in case she decides to run.

I have an invitation. Lou, he’s with me.

You look terrible.

Thanks.

Here.

- Ike, I’m glad it’s you. - Really?

I wouldn’t want to have found out...

that I wasn’t the one for her in the fourth quarter.

Well, Coach, any final advice?

- Maintain eye contact. - Eye contact.

Eye contact, eye contact, eye contact.

I’m not coming up here, it’s just that you want to look...

just special for the wedding.

You know, you should thank me and Lou for lending you the wedding car.

- Sixty-three Buick. - Thank you...

Oh, what are you saying? We’re practically family.

- How’s that there? - Hello.

- My name is Fisher. What’s yours? - Nice, nice. Betty.

That doesn’t want to come out, does it?

- You just pulled a hair from my neck. - There we are.

Mrs. Trout, Mrs. Trout, please. This is my wedding...

- Yes! - you know? Come sit down.

- Thank you. We’re starting soon. - Who was that?

Mrs. Trout.

- He doesn’t have... - Don’t do... Don’t. Don’t.

- I just wanted that to be able to... - Don’t.

- Over in the pocket. - Don't do...

- Right in the pocket. That’s it. - Please, just go sit...

- Good luck, sweet girl. - Oh! Thank you, Grandma. I love you.

- I’m really rooting for this one. - Okay, Dad.

The place is packed,

with the whole town of Hale on the bride’s side,

and with many New Yorkers on the groom’s side.

- Is this taken? - No.

- I’m Elaine, from Manhattan. - I’m Bob, Maggie’s fourth attempt.

- I’m sorry. - That’s okay.

There’s a lid for every pot. And I’m...

I’m comfortable with Ike, you know.

It’s like, Jack Dempsey lost his heavyweight title to a New Yorker.

Right, Gene Tunney.

- Oh. - Spit.

Let’s go.

Uh, okay. No sauntering down the aisle.

I don’t like that. Just make time. Just get there. Go.

- Fine. - Okay.

All rise, please.

("HERE COMES THE BRIDE" PLAYS ON ORGAN)

The bride is walking down the aisle.

Maggie Carpenter is walking down the aisle.

- Don’t stop... - Oh, she’s pausing.

- Keep eye contact... - Come on, stay with me.

...keep eye contact.

- Please be seated, thank you.

I sneaked in a camera.

- We are gathered here today...

Please, no cameras now.

Could we hold off photos until the end of the ceremony? Thank you.

- We are gathered here today... - No!

- Where is she going? - Don’t!

- Maggie! - Lock the doors!

- No, Maggie! Don’t!

Oh, never a dull moment at a Maggie wedding!

There’s a man coming down with candy in his pockets,

and if you tickle him he’ll give you all of his candy.

- Here you go, little queen. - Maggie!

Maggie!

- He’s got candy! - Whoa, ho! No, no. Not me.

Naughty bride, naughty bride!

Get her! No, no! It’s an Armani suit!

Wait!

- Wait! - Maggie!

- Go, go, go, go.

Maggie! Maggie!

Don’t do it! Don’t! Maggie!

- He’s running after her. - He’s in pretty good shape, too.

Maggie! No, Maggie!

- Where do you think she’s going? - Wherever it is,

she’ll be there by 10:30 tomorrow.

Maggie! Don’t!

Maggie!

Don’t! No!

Maggie!

- Mr. Graham! Mr. Graham!

Mr. Graham, Mr. Graham, how do you feel now?

- Mr. Graham, what is your next move? - How do you feel right now?

What will you do now? You must feel terrible but...

- Mr. Graham, talk to us. - That's enough, come on. Leave him alone.

Just a couple of questions.

"Hardware Honey Goes Nuts and Bolts."

How many times is she gonna do this?

Aura Lee, Aura Lee

And finally, in local news, the mayor has requested

that we all stop gossiping about last week’s Maggie Carpenter

almost wedding.

This is Cory Flemming, for WHALE, saying...

may the Good Lord make you smart enough to live in a small town.

And we cut.

Camera loves ya.

Hey, you okay?

Yeah.

I’m closing. You want to go to Butch’s for a drink?

Uh... you know, I’m gonna finish up here, and then I think I’ll just head home.

Okay.

You know...

I was thinking about that "V" thing...

and I think the "V" in the geese was half...

of a "W"...

- for... - For, uh...

- What are you talking about? - Wedding! Wedding!

You just gotta get the rest of your ducks in a row.

Thank you.

- So, you still think that he... - You’re quick.

You’re very quick.

Okay, here we go.

- Hey, Ike. How’s it goin’? - Hey, Robert.

That good, huh?

Yeah, hi. It’s me. Leave a message after the beep.

Hello, Ike.

Don’t tell me.

My doorman is one of your many admirers.

Been making friends with your cat.

Is it okay that I’m here?

I don’t have much choice in the matter, do I?

But I can’t speak for Italics!

Traitor.

I don’t blame you for being mad.

Or furious.

Irate?

Livid.

So, what is it, Maggie?

You in business?

Oh yeah, I saw your lamps.

They’re terrific.

- Yeah. - It’s something that I’ve

always wanted to do, and...

You know,

you could make breaking and entering into a new career.

So, what are you doing here, anyway?

I wanted to...

talk to you about...

why I run...

sometimes ride...

away from things.

- Does it matter? - I think so.

When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking towards somebody...

who had no idea...

who I really was.

And it was only half...

the other person’s fault because...

I had done everything to convince him...

that I was exactly what he wanted.

So, it was good...

...that I didn’t go through with it,

because it would've been a lie.

But you...

You knew the real me.

Yes, I did.

I didn’t.

Still...

I ended up chasing a truck.

I can’t, um...

do anything about the truck...

but, um...

Benedict.

- Arnold. - I love Eggs Benedict.

I hate all the other kinds of eggs.

I hate big weddings. Everybody staring.

I’d like to get married on a weekday, while everybody’s at work.

- Mm-hmm. - And if I ride off into the sunset...

- I want my own horse. - Should I be writing this down?

- And there’s something else. - No, no, you can tell me.

You can tell me. Don’t... Come. Okay.

These are for you.

- Uh, used... - Well, they’re mine.

I’m turning in my running shoes to you.

This is serious.

And there’s one more thing.

I know, the mind reels that there could be more after...

after this, but, um, if you could just have a seat.

Oh!

Here, let’s just not have that there. Okay.

Okay.

- Oh, no. My God, no. - No, no. Don’t hide your face.

This happens once in a lifetime, and it’s definitely a first for me.

And you’re not gonna want to miss it, so pay close attention.

I love you...

Homer Eisenhower Graham.

Will you marry me?

I gotta think a little bit.

Good. I was hoping you would say that.

- You were not! - No, I was, I was.

- Because if you’d said yes right away, - Not true!

I wouldn’t be able to do this next part, I’ve been practicing, so let me just...

Okay.

- Ready? - I’m listening.

I guarantee that we’ll have tough times.

And I guarantee that at some point...

one, or both of us, will want to get out.

But I also guarantee...

that if I don’t ask you to be mine,

I’ll regret it for the rest of my life,

because I know in my heart...

you’re the only one for me.

That’s a pretty good speech, Maggie.

I borrowed it from this writer I know.

So?

Dance with me.

We are gathered here today

to celebrate the union of Maggie Carpenter and Ike Graham.

- Do you have the rings? - Yes.

Do you, Ike, take Maggie to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

Do you, Maggie, take Ike to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

In this life that you share together,

may your individuality...

strengthen your love.

With the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Guess what.

She did it!

Maggie Carpenter got married.

Hallelujah

Betty, she did it! She did it!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!