All language subtitles for Call.Me.Kat.S03E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10

-How was yoga, Sheila?
-Oh, terrible.

The guy in front of me
wasn't wearing underwear,

and his downward dog
wasn't neutered.

Really?
Maybe I should take up yoga.

I'm feeling a little stiff.

(singsongy):
Happy Saturday!

What are you wearing?

Oh, this?

Just the coolest shirt
of the last 65 million years.

And my chances of being
a grandmother have gone extinct.

Max is taking me to the
natural history museum today.

And I'm her date.

How the hell are you in my life?

Even I would've
picked on you in school.

You're gonna stand there

and tell something cold-blooded
that it's not cool?

Boom! Joke and a science fact.
Take that, haters.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Why do you have a baby?

Yeah, I don't remember
getting an Amber Alert.

Oh, look at him.

Oh, he's so much cuter than
you were as a baby, Katharine.

No. This is my nephew, Thor.
I'm watching him for my sister.

Thor? His name is Thor?

Damn. Now I got
to rename my vibrator.

Same.

My sister married
a comic book nerd.

Their vows were in Klingon.

Klingon?

What a couple of dorks.

He's so adorable.

Do you feel
any maternal stirrings,

or have your ovaries turned
to stone?

I am fine with babies.

I just prefer the kind
that are covered in fur

and fall on their feet
when you drop 'em.

Do not hand her that baby.

I like this getup.

You want to take him for a ride?

I want you
to take me for a ride.

-When's your sister
picking him up?
-Tomorrow morning.

But we're going
to the museum today.

Dinosaurs, rocks,
stuffed animals.

There's nothing there for a kid.

Come on. We'll take him with us.

What if he embarrasses us?

He'll love it. Right, Thor?

(with accent):
The God of Thunder says

that sounds bitchin'!

All right, I'll give it a try.

I've got my eye on you.

-(babbling)
-Don't you ruin this for me.

I'm lovin' this kid.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Now, Thor, some of the exhibits

on early humans will feature
some tasteful nudity.

-So try not to stare.
-(laughs)

And definitely no touching.

Learned that the hard way.

Grade school field trip?

Last month.

So that's why the security guard
keeps following us.

-(Thor cries)
-Oh.

-(Max hums)
-Oh.

(humming)

Look at you.
Good with babies.

To be fair, I do the same thing
with Carter when he's cranky.

You want to hold him?

Oh, no thanks. The only tiny,
whiny thing I like is Phil.

Come on. Don't you just want
to eat him up?

Like a little baby kebab?

Mmm. (munching playfully)

Yeah, that hand was down
his diaper five minutes ago.

(laughs) I never realized
you're not into babies.

Stop saying that.
I can be good with babies.

Look, I'm here.
(gasps) I'm gone.

I'm here, I'm gone.

And it's fun

because you haven't learned
the permanence of objects yet.

See?

(laughs)
I'm sorry. I was wrong.

You totally get kids.

I'm gonna go to the restroom

before we hit
the gem and mineral exhibit

because we are going
to be there a long time.

I get very fired up
about igneous rocks.

-Lava, fire.
-Mm. Yeah.

But when you see the plaque,

you're going
to erupt with laughter.

-Stop it. Oy.
-Okay, that was the last one.

-I pumice.
-Oy.

You three are such
a cute family.

-Oh, we're actually not...
-Thank you.

He looks just like you.

Oh, that's so sweet.

He's bald and has three chins.

How does she think
that's a compliment?

You should see her do "Baby
Shark." It's a showstopper.

You have a great day.

-(Thor babbles)
-(Kat laughs softly)

Why did you let her think
we're a family?

Because I get looks if I say,
"Oh, this isn't my baby."

Oh, that never stopped my mom
from saying it.

-(Max laughs)
-(phone rings)

This is my manager.

-Here? Please. Yeah?
-Yeah. No.

-Yeah, yeah.
-No, I just told you,

-I have to... Oh.
-Hello?

Yeah, now's a great time.

What's with that face?

Can you smell my fear?

-(crying)
-Oh.

Oh. Okay, uh, okay.

We're gonna bounce?
We're bouncing. We're bouncing.

Okay.
Is this bouncing helping you?

It's making
my pee situation worse.

-(Thor quiets)
-Oh. Oh. Oh, okay.

That is helping.

Yeah, that's a good Thor.

You know what, Thor?
That's a dumb name.

I'm gonna call you...

Carl.

That was my dad's middle name.

He's a really great guy.
He's up there now.

Yeah. Yeah, not up there with
that pterodactyl in the rafters,

but, like, the big "up there."
(laughs)

You know, I don't know
if I'm the one

to be teaching you about death.

However, do you remember
our conversation

about object permanence?

(Thor farts)

Ooh. Ooh, a little baby toot.

Oh, wow. That is pungent.

Yeah, that was not me. (coughs)

That was the baby.

(laughing):
Whew. Carl.

You know what?
This dam's about to break,

and only one of us
is wearing a diaper. Let's go.

-It's slow today.
-Yeah.

Good day for Kat to take off.

Uh-huh.

But we're not gonna tell her
that, though, right?

Hell no.

I guess we could restock
the shelves in the storeroom.

Yeah, we probably should.

All right, well,
give me a hand with these boxes.

I'm on my break.

Hey, baby.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I'm pretty sure
he was talking to me.

-Well, bless your heart.
-(laughs)

You pick a movie for tonight?

Ooh. So, I've narrowed it down
to Bride of Chucky,

Seed of Chucky,

-or Cult of Chucky.
-Mm.

Ah, yes. Chucky.

-Like a Murder-Me Elmo.
-(Randi laughs)

And, Phil, you are helping me

when you're done
with your break.

Of course. I just hope you don't
finish before I'm back.

I can't wait to watch the movie
with you tonight, baby.

Smart move
watching a horror movie

so your girl snuggles up
all close to you

during the scary bits.

Scary bits is also what I call
a woman's private parts.

Phil, you ever told a lie
on a first date?

I don't think I've ever told
the truth on a first date.

Between you and me,
I hate horror movies.

But Randi said she loved them
on our first date,

and I wanted
to see her scary bits, so...

Well, why not
just tell her the truth?

Because that woman has
crazy trust issues.

I mean, if she knew
I lied about one thing,

she'll think I lied
about a lot of things.

Did you lie
about a lot of things?

Of course I did.

I mean, "I like scary movies"
led to

"I like Milk Duds
just like you" led to

"Yeah, I like camping."
Camping, Phil.

Do you know what happens
to people who go camping?

I do, because I've seen
every damn horror movie.

And you know
who they kill first?

The handsome, funny Black guy.

You know what candy I like?

Sour Patch Kids.

They're my body shape,
and I feel seen.

Maybe I should be
dating you, Phil.

I knew you'd come around, baby.

Okay, Carl,
welcome to the ladies' room,

where the seats are always down,

and toilet paper is the currency
of the realm.

Uh, pardon moi.

Would you mind holding
this tiny humanoid

whilst I relieve myself?
(laughs)

Actually, wait.
Are you a weirdo?

Yes, I'm the weirdo.

When you're a little older,
I'll tell you

what your middle finger's for.

All right, Carl,
let's do this.

(panting)

There's no shelf?
Why is there no baby shelf?

Okay.

Hmm.

I don't think that's a very good
idea at all, but it's very cute!

All right. (panting)

I'm like a teenage boy trying
to get to third base.

Oh, I have an idea.

(gasps)
I'll make you a little nest.

Fun fact-- my mother calls these
"cootie catchers." (laughs)

And she calls this sweater...
(laughs)

a "loneliness catcher."

(gasps)
Here we go. Here we go.

Okay. All right.

Now, Carl, here's the thing.
I'm a little pee shy, so...

Carl? Carl?

Oh, yeah. Hi.

Um, can you roll that baby
back to me?

Also, I like your shoes.

Okay, if Uncle Max asks
if I put you

on the filthy, pee-pee
bathroom floor, what do you say?

Exactly. Perfect.

Okay. Sorry about that.
Everything go okay?

Yeah. Easy-breezy,
no trouble, double-bubble.

Well, I don't know if this
is your pee or floor pee,

but it doesn't matter.
It's still pee.

Oh, damn it.

Hmm.

Ready?

(whirring)

(laughing)

(laughing)

Yeah, so, Carl and I have
just been hanging out.

Oh, by the way,
Thor goes by "Carl" now.

And what if I told you, you
never had to buy a towel again?

We got to get out of here.

What do you mean?

Did you steal a moon rock?
I did, too!

If we get caught,
blame the baby.

My manager's shopping
a song around,

and Miranda Lambert
might be interested.

Oh, that's big.

Not unlike the moon rock
that Carl hid in his diaper bag.

I need to change the lyrics
by the end of the day.

It was about a truck,

and now, it needs
to be about infertility.

But what are you gonna do
with Carl?

I was thinking
maybe you could help?

Oh, I don't know, Max.

No. Like you just said--

easy-breezy,
no trouble, double-bubble.

Don't use my love
of wordplay against me.

Please. Really need you.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

What do you mean?

Carl, do you know
what she means?

Okay, fine. I'll do it.

Great. You mean babysit, right?

Not drop him off
at the fire station?

Max, what kind of person
do you think I am?

I'm gonna need a verbal "yes."

-Ooh, popcorn.
-Not just popcorn.

Great. The Duds.

All right.

It is Chucky time.

Are you ready
to get your stabbing on?

(laughing):
You know it.

But if you want
to get really freaky,

there's a new movie
featuring Dame Judi Dench.

Wait. Who?

You know, Dame Judi Dench.

Shakespeare in Love,
Pride and Prejudice, Chocolat.

Anyway, it's a rom-com.

Well, is it scary?

Ah, there is a fear
of commitment.

That sounds boring.

Might as well read a book.
Come on, let's watch.

-Okay. Yeah, let's do it.
-(laughs)

You know, I know
I love horror movies

because I said
I love horror movies,

and why would I lie about that,
but what do you love about them?

-(movie music playing)
-Oh, everything.

The jump scares, the blood, not
being able to sleep at night.

-Ooh. (laughs)
-Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Ditto.

I guess I really got into them
when I was a teenager,

which makes sense
because that's when

I started dealing
with depression.

I guess it kind of helped me
feel something

instead of being numb
all the time.

Hmm. That does make sense.

Plus, I cannot get enough
of screaming white people.

Oh. Here comes your Dud.

Yay.

I have a PhD in mathematics.

How am I losing
to a baby cage?

You know, it would be nice
if I had another person to help.

Hello?

Noise-canceling.

Oh, so you can hear me?

Not a word.

Stay 'n Play, my ass.

Should be called
the Sweat 'n Cry.

(crying)

If you can't keep him quiet,

I'm gonna go work
in the other room.

Oh. Yeah, that's just great.
I mean, you can't even

pitch in for, like, two minutes?
This baby was your idea.

I'm sorry, Kat.

You know I have a deadline.

KAT:
Oh, well, you know what?

Why don't you at least
show your face to Carl

before you leave so he doesn't
forget what you look like!

Why are you always so dramatic?

-(crying continues)
-Oh, I'm the dramatic one?

That is ridiculous. Just go!

Don't have to tell me twice.

I need a drink.

You know what?
We don't need him.

-(crying continues)
-(grunting)

Oh. Ah. Okay.

Oh, yeah. Oh, oh!

(laughing softly)

Remember earlier we talked
about the middle finger?

(crying)

Okay, Carl.
You ate, you burped, you farted.

That's all I need to do
before I go to sleep.

You leave me no choice.

I'm really sorry
for what I'm about to do.

(crying continues)

Hello, Mother?

Oh, Katharine,
I'm so glad you called.

You've never said that before.
What's going on?

I'm organizing a clothing drive
for the needy.

Where do you keep
your mannish suits?

Wait. Are you in my apartment?

Why would you give me a key

if you didn't want me
to go through your things?

I didn't give you a key.

Katharine, why are you calling?

I need help. How do I stop
a baby from crying?

I used to put you in the car.

Oh. And drive around?

No, and go back inside.

Seriously?

I cracked a window, snowflake.

This is my fault for calling.

Yes, it is, dear.

All right. Goodbye, Mother.

Oh. Oh, please stop crying.

I'll give you 20 bucks
if you stop crying.

Oh. Oh. I've got a five
and a wrinkled cat toy.

Oh. Do you like that?

Yeah, you do.

I got a laser pointer,
we got a Roomba.

We could go all night.

Look at that. Yes!

CARTER:
Why am I afraid of that movie?

He's just a doll.
A stupid pretend doll.

With the knife skills
of a psychotic Benihana chef.

Think happy thoughts.

Benihana,
shrimp tossed in my mouth,

making friends
with my table mates.

"Well, hi, Jeff and Eileen
from Maryland.

And who is this cute little...?"

Ah! It's Chucky!

I got to man up and tell her
I hate these movies.

Randi?

What's going on?

(sighs)

I hate horror movies.

Wha-What? You-you told me
you loved them.

You-you lied to me?

I'm sorry.

Well,

I guess I'm just going
to have to cut you off.

What?

-(chainsaw buzzing)
-(Carter screaming)

(Carter pants loudly)

I'm never gonna sleep.

I wonder what time
Benihana opens.

Hmm.

Oh, hey.

You two look pretty adorable.

Oh. Thanks.

He's a sweet little guy.

If you wake him,
I'll kill you.

Also, the entire left side
of my body's asleep.

-Don't worry. I got him.
-Ooh.

Drop a baby one time,
you never do it again.

Ah. Oh, man, he's really out.

Yeah, I read to him.

He liked Goodnight Moon,

but he really liked
Murray Spiegel's

Advanced Mathematics
for Engineers and Scientists.

Oh.

I never understood why parents
like to watch their baby sleep,

but now I get it.

It's like I won,

and you lost, Carl.
In your face.

Thanks for your help.

Did you finish your song?

Yeah. And not to brag,

but it might be the best
country song ever written

-about polycystic
ovary syndrome.
-(laughs)

Sorry I was so stressed earlier.

Oh, stop.
We make a pretty good team.

Yeah, we do.

Yikes.

(sniffs)
That is not sweat.

No, it's not.

Is... is this a cat toy?

-Don't criticize me.
-I'm not crit...

It's your tone.

Carter?

-Yeah? (screams)
-(screams)

What are you doing?!

Definitely not looking

for a tiny, redheaded maniac.

Wait. Did that movie
give you bad dreams?

It did not because...

I have not been asleep yet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry you're so soft.

Soft? Please.

I don't even wear a glove
when I play golf.

We've watched
so many horror movies.

I'm surprised
that's the one that got you.

What about Candyman?
You weren't afraid of Candyman.

I will jump out that window
if you say "Candyman" again!

Oh, God. I just said it!

Okay, what the hell is going on?

(sighs)

I don't like horror movies.

What?

If you're gonna get me
with a chainsaw,

please spare the hair.

But you told me you liked them.

We watched all nine Saw movies
in one day.

It was the most romantic
Valentine's ever.

And I was terrified.

That's why we did it
with the lights on.

Plus, we had just
started dating,

and you told me you loved 'em,
and I wanted you to like me.

What else have you lied about?

-Nothing.
-Nothing?

Milk Duds. I mean,
I just swallow 'em like pills.

But that's it. And camping.

I mean, I know bears crap in
the woods, but why do I have to?

Carter, we have been dating
for more than a year.

I thought I knew you.

Baby, I'm the same Carter
you said you loved yesterday.

Except my real name isn't
Carter. It's Charles.

Charles?!

My grandma was hard of hearing.

Nobody wanted to correct her,
so here we are.

You are not making this better,
Charles.

Come on. I'm a guy
who would do something he hates

just to make you happy.

Well, I want a guy
who tells me the truth.

This is the truth.

It took a long time
for you to take down your walls,

and I was afraid if I said
anything, you'd put 'em back up.

I don't like Prince.

Excuse me?!

He's tiny, and he's weird,
and his music ain't all that.

(high-pitched gasp)

But I know that he's your
favorite, and that's why

I just smile and nod
whenever you put his songs on.

I don't know what
to say except...

this is what it sounds like
when Carter cries.

-Baby, I did...
-Mm.

But I'm sor...

(yawning):
One latte coming right up.

(yawning):
Why are you so tired?

Baby. Why are you so tired?

Dame Judi Dench marathon.

We found a movie
where she stabs someone.

It was a win for everybody.

(yawning)

Oh, are you tired, too?

No, y'all are just boring.

I never have
a bad night of sleep.

The key is light stretching,
a warm bath

and a handful
of cheap Canadian sedatives

washed down with vodka.

Hey, guys. Can I get a coffee?

Oh, sure. Phil?

Sorry. I just started my break.

How'd the drop-off go with Carl?

Did he say anything about me?

Just a toot and a smile.

Oh, that's so Carl.

-Who's Carl?
-Oh, Carl's Thor.

-Who's Thor?
-The tastiest Hemsworth.

You really were great with him.

Well, she learned from the best.

That's right, Mother, I did.
My nanny Adela.

It was kind of nice being
a little family yesterday.

Yeah, I liked playing dad.

I even went to the Home Depot

and learned the name
of the paint guy.

It was Carl.

Oh.

I think I want to have a baby.

It's gonna make my mother
really happy,

but I'm gonna do it anyway.

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, oh ♪

♪ Keep pushing to the top ♪

♪ Got to work on it,
no time to stop ♪

♪ Let nobody tell me
what to do ♪

♪ Do your best thing,
best thing, ooh ♪

♪ ♪

Captioning sponsored by
WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org