All language subtitles for azsx

[Tires screeching]

Mr. Lang, the phone company
tells me

that you've only
had this number
for a few months,

and that it's
a private number.

Someone who mixed up
the ingredients,
falsified the formula...

You're under arrest
for murder.

You see, this Mr. Smith
has some sort of formula
that he's trying to sell.

I found out that they
actually use poisons
when they make cosmetics.

Belladonna, aconite.

I need that formula.

Make me an offer.

Beautiful, isn't she?
Every time I go
to the bathroom, there she is.

Next victim, please.

Plasma and sutures
ready, nurse?

Oh, shut up, Karl.

Take courage, sir.

Just think how many years
Dr. Frankenstein must've spent
on his research.

[Grunting]
Yes.

But he only made
one little monster.

He didn't live
in our jungle.

He didn't have
to succeed.

He didn't have to...

Oh, never mind,
that's enough.

A miracle.

That's all I want.

That's all we've ever wanted.
Right, Your Majesty?

[People clapping]

(moderator)
Here's another variation
on the caftan theme,

this one flowing and soft,
in a soft print,

and with its sparkle
and glamour
right down the front.

Viveca, darling,
what are you doing here,
peddling false eyelashes, huh?

David, love,
where did you get
the new hairpiece?

Surely you don't make
anything that clever?

[Chuckles]
Oh!

Still my lover, huh?

Now, don't be embarrassed
because I caught you
at a fashion show.

I used to butter up
the designers, too,
when business was bad.

Well, if those girls
are wearing a sample
of your new eye shadow,

Lang Cosmetics is in trouble.

My, what a sweet
little dress.

Don't waste your ammunition,
honey.

My secretary, that's all.
Shirley Blane.

Sorry, love.

Viveca. Seriously, darling

I-I-I've been watching
Beauty Mark's stocks go down
the last two months. Now...

Well, since I always like
to help a compatriot

if they seem to be
in trouble...

Mr. Lang, why don't you
just go gobble up
a pill company?

It isn't surprising,
of course.

You haven't hit
with a really good new product
since you, uh,

pirated those French lipsticks
two years ago.

[Chuckles]

Is that where you stole
the silly eye shadow?

I'll always think of you
as the queen of cosmetics.

But if things
do get too bad,

if you ever do need

to get out of this crazy
rollie-coaster business...

Oh, David, you innocent lamb,

[chuckling]
Are you in
for a surprise.

Excuse me, Miss Scott.
I think you dropped
your program.

[People chattering]

Oh, yes, how silly of me.
Of course I did.

Bye-bye, darling.

[People applauding]

I'll send flowers
to your funeral.

Voila.

Yes.

The sun. I love the sun.

The Fountain of Youth stuff
I'm not happy with yet.

And Vanish, I threw out.

It sounds too much
like old-fashioned
vanishing cream.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Miracle is right.

Because it is a miracle.

Imagine, a harmless cream
that can actually
make wrinkles disappear.

It's like alchemy.

It's the dream
of the centuries.

It's what women
have longed for
since ancient Egypt.

Well, I went ahead
and reserved
the network television time.

But our credit's
not very good,

so unless we can start
mass production

by the end of the month...
Of course we can.

And I want you to be ready
with full-color inserts
for all the fashion magazines.

Darling, we're
going to put them all
out of business.

When David Lang sees the...
I told you...

Your Majesty.

Murch, dear.

Dear, come in.

We were just talking...

Yes, yes.

The fruits of
a whole year's labor,

my most sublime
accomplishment,

the dream of all mankind,

the dream to
save all our skins.

You're wobbling.

Yes, and I have hastened,
my queen,

from a final
secret testing
of this elixir,

this m-masterpiece
of my chemical genius.

Who told you to do
any more testing?

What if one
of your models talks?

I thought my orders
were quite clear.

On the basis
of last week's reports...

Those reports were wrong.

It was a fluke.
I jumped the gun.

One little sample
that broke down.

I tried combination
after combination since.

This miracle of ours
will never be any more useful
for concealing wrinkles

than axle grease.

(Viveca)
I got your note on the back
of the program, dear,

but I really haven't time
to talk right now.

Oh, l... I just thought
that you might like

to see something
that Mr. Lang did today.

Today I could care less
what that devil did.

Not that I'm not grateful
for my little pipeline,
you understand.

Is something wrong,
Miss Scott?

Acid stomach.

What have you made
a photocopy of now?

Oh. A check.

He didn't see me
do it, of course,

but Mr. Lang went to the bank
and got that check himself
this afternoon

and then he came back
and locked it
in a desk drawer.

I'm happy that David Lang
has $200,000 to give anyone.

Who's Harry Smith,
his bookie?

No, that's not his real name.

It's the name of a man
who... who's only been
to the office once or twice,

late at night,
when nobody else is there.

Except you, of course.

Hmm.

I appreciate
your efforts.

Oh. I was only there
because Mr. Lang
wanted to trick him.

You see, this Mr. Smith
has some sort of formula
that he's trying to sell.

And Mr. Lang asked me
to bring in this
older friend of mine

and Mr. Smith rubbed
some of the formula
on... on her skin.

Then when Mr. Smith was gone,

Mr. Lang tried to take
scrapings from her cheek
to analyze.

Go on.

Yes, but there wasn't
any left.

Because whatever there was,

I got.

What is that?

Well, on this really old woman

that Mr. Smith brought
with him the first time...

Watch.

Oh, sweetheart,
you've got a smudge
right there by your eye.

I do?

Yes, but I'll...
I'll rub it off for you.

Here, come sit down.

That's right.
Sit right down.

Now, uh,
close your eyes.

You know, that must be
cigarette ash.

I smoke much too much, too.

Mmm-hmm.

There.
Keep your eyes shut.

There.

Thank you, ma'am.

You're welcome.

Isn't that
incredible?

Wrinkles just disappear,
and it lasts all day.

Oh, Viveca, I don't know
if you can beat him to this...

but you know how anxious I am
to find a better position.

And the thought
of a man like David Lang

getting his hands
on a discovery like this

just makes me sick.

Shirley, tell me one thing.

What does Harry Smith
look like?

Well, he... he's... he's
about medium height,

thick brown hair,

not more than 35 years old.

Why isn't your husband
home yet?

Mrs. Kelly, I do not pay
my lawyers to play squash!

You tell him...

Oh, never mind.

[Surf pounding]

##[Whistling]

[Clicking]

[Clicking]

[Clattering]

So that's where it was.

How did you get in here?

You still keep it
in the flower pot.

Well, at least you haven't
forgotten that.

There are a lot of things
I haven't forgotten, darling.

What are you
going to do with that?

Don't you know?

Peddle it to David Lang
as a sample of your wares?

Don't worry, dear.
I'm alone.

Poor old Murcheson.

[Snorts]
If he only knew.

He really did work
a miracle, didn't he?

He had some help.

Sure he did.

Someone who mixed up
the ingredients,
falsified the formula,

stole it,

and is now going to sell it
to the highest bidder?

Yeah, something
like that, I guess.

No. Nothing like that.

Because we're going to
put the thief away.

Are we?

Hello. This is Viveca Scott.

Yes, Scott.

I'm a personal friend
of the Chief's.

I want to be put
through to him
right away.

Yes, I'll wait.

You still like those, uh,
tequila cocktails

with the organic
cactus juice, right?

I've always thought that was
an appropriate drink for you.

[Pouring]

What's the matter, love?

Are the police closed
tonight for inventory?

You slimy little snake.

Oh, no, Vivi.

I'm your hairy
little teddy bear.

Remember me?

[Stifles a laugh]

What do you want for the jar?

Uh-oh.

You can have the jar.

But, uh,

it isn't worth very much
without the formula.

We'll have to negotiate
on that.

Where is it?

It's not written down
anywhere?

It's mine.

Is it?

You stole it!

Prove it.

Karl, I need that formula.

Our sales are down. We've lost
some exclusive outlets.

And that louse David Lang
is closing in on me.

Miracle. I need a Miracle.

Make me an offer.

I never knew
you had a sense of humor.

Remember, if we call you
the inventor,

you'll get royalties
on the gross.

Say, um...

[pen scratching]

10%% on each unit?

It's not enough, Viveca.

Not nearly enough
for a miracle.

[Paper crumpling]

What do you want?

You want me?

Mmm-hmm.

[Tittering]

Darling,

we have no problem.

I've always liked you.

It was only
a matter of respect.

Frankly, I didn't know
you had it in you.

[Chuckles]

Are you surprised?

Mmm.

But I like it.

I'll bet you do.

Now you know, love,

I always like to mix
a little business
with pleasure.

The formula is...

[sighing]
What else?

What do you mean,
"What else?"

Uh-uh!

Now that's no way
to speak to your...

new partner.

Partner? Never
in a million years!

Well,

it's either that
or you go to work
for David Lang.

What do you say, babe?
It's up to you.

Partner.

You have no idea

how long I've waited
for this moment.

Waited and planned.

And now...

No thank you, darling.

You're not going to make
a sucker out of me
like you did Murcheson.

[Gasps]

There was a time I'd have
given you anything.

Now, quite frankly,
I wouldn't give you...

Oh!

Karl?

Karl. Karl.

[Door banging]

[People chattering]

Morning, Lieutenant.
Would you like
to see the corpse?

Uh, no, thanks. No.

I'll just talk
to the doctor.

[Coughs]

[Sighs]

(Sergeant)
Hey, Lt. Columbo!

Find something
in there?

No, my breakfast,
that's all.

What time did they get you up
this morning, Sergeant?

About an hour ago,
Lieutenant.

A kid looked through
the window there

and spotted the body
right here,
just after daylight.

What was this guy,
some kind of scientist?

A chemist.

He worked for
Beauty Mark Cosmetics.

He must have had two jobs,

because we found
these smaller pay stubs
in the desk there.

And I also found
his bank book in there,
Lieutenant.

And this magazine
I found over there
on the table.

What is that, a microscope?

Yes, sir.

And, oh, Lieutenant,
here's some notes
the doctor made.

You know, I haven't seen
one of these things
since high school.

And there's
a blood stain.

The doc seems to think
this will match up
as a murder weapon.

However, I haven't
found any prints.

He was hit from behind,
Lieutenant, by a heavy object.

You know,
you better be careful.

Feels like there's
some broken glass
on the floor.

Apparently they broke
a drinking glass.

Anyway, Lieutenant,
it's all in here.

He died from
a fractured skull.

Excuse me one moment,
would you, Sergeant?

Hey, Lieutenant,
what are you looking for?

Salt for my egg.

I usually carry
a shaker in my pocket.

Here, here's salt.

That's just flour.

Maybe once,
not now.

Something else
was in there.

Oh, yeah.

What do you think
it was?

I have no idea,
Lieutenant.

1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, 8.

Eight-sided bottom.
Octagonal.

Yeah, looks that way,
looks octagonal.

Hey, Lieutenant,
this just might fit in
with a theory I'm developing.

As you've probably noticed,
this is a hippie
neighborhood, right?

And this guy Lessing
had a lot of chemical supplies
lying around.

Suppose somebody thought
they were drugs.

Or maybe they were drugs.

Because... I want to show you
something, Lieutenant.

He didn't get paid very much
by Beauty Mark.

Lieutenant.

Beautiful, isn't she?

We haven't really checked
on who that is yet,
Lieutenant.

You don't know?

No.

She is Beauty Mark.

I mean, her real name
is Viveca Scott, but, uh...

Listen, every time
I go to the bathroom,
there she is.

[Chuckling]
I'm...

Really.

As long as I
can remember,

on every one
of my wife's jars

on the lotion, on the tubes,
on the cream...

I guess you're
not married, huh?

No, I'm not.

Excuse me, Sergeant.

The kid's boss is outside.

Now? Her?

Lieutenant,
I told you it was a kid

who first spotted
Lessing's body, remember?

Well, that kid worked
for a travel agency.

And it's his boss
that's outside.

Be right with you.

(Burton)
That's right, this Mr. Lessing
placed a hurry-up order

for all sorts
of reservations,

plane tickets
yesterday afternoon.

Well, when I couldn't
reach him by phone last night
to confirm,

I got a little worried
because it is
a common racket, you know.

So I didn't have
my breakfast this morning.

I sent the boy
over here to snoop

while I started
canceling reservations.

Excuse me, sir.
These are tickets to where?

Oh, Paris, uh, George V,

then a week on the Riviera.

All deluxe accommodations.

And he was to leave
first class today on a 747.

Naturally, I had to
guarantee deposits.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

Sergeant, I thought
you told me that Mr. Lessing
was hard up?

His latest bank statement
shows that he had
a balance of less than $300.

But here, on the back
of this magazine,

he apparently
did some doodling.

There's dollar signs,
figures...

He did it, or
somebody else did.

Yeah, anybody can
do this doodling.

There's no check
on the handwriting.

Excuse me, Lieutenant.
This Mr. Lessing

was to have been
in my office this morning

with a check
for more than $3,000.

Hear that, Lieutenant?

Lessing must've been
expecting some money.

It's a funny kind of pencil
to doodle with.

[Camera clicking]

(photographer)
All right, Adele, enjoy it.

It's your first drink
of the day.

All right, Sylvia, come on.

A little more,
a little more violet, Teddy.
Just a touch.

Good. Good.

Good for you?
Sure.

(Viveca)
Ferdy, I thought this was
going to be a lipstick layout.

But of course, love.

Just wait till they
open their mouths.

I mean, just wait
until you see
what I've created for you.

##[soft music playing]

Can I help you, sir?

I guess I came in
the wrong door. Sorry.

All right, Laura.
Enjoy it.

Miss Scott, right?

Yes.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.

I didn't mean to intrude.

You know, upstairs they
told me you'd be down here,

but this is
some building
you got here.

I mean, you got
everything...
Do I know you?

You don't know me, ma'am,
but I sure know you.

Every time I shave,
there you are.

It's a pleasure.

My name is Lt. Columbo.
I'm from the L.A.P.D.

Uh, do you have
a moment?

Oh, um, uh,
c-carry on, uh, Ferdy.

Come this way, please.

All right, Adele,
let's take it from the top.

Murdered? How horrible.

Yes, it's terrible.

What did you say
his name was? Lessing?

Oh. Not that nice young man
in Dr. Murcheson's department?

The chemist, ma'am, yes.

Yes.

But I understand
he was going to be
fired today.

Oh, well, I had nothing to do
with him, Lieutenant.

Poor boy. I wonder
if he had any family?

No, ma'am, he didn't.

You know, in that connection,
maybe you could help me out.

I was upstairs, and I wanted
to ask about him,

but somebody
in the laboratory, you know,
they wouldn't let me in there.

Like Fort Knox around here.

I had no idea you had
such top secrets

in a nice ladies'
business like this.

I'll fix that,
Lieutenant.

You can go anywhere you want
and ask anything you want.

We have no secrets
from the police.

Oh, thank you.
I knew you'd say that.

Yes, let me have
Darla, please.

Just from the type
of person you are.

She's not? Oh.
How long?

Oh, no, never mind.
I'll call back.

You know, I gotta
tell you honestly that, uh,

I feel like I've known you
for 100 years.

I feel you're like a member
of the family.

I mean, you're like, uh...

like Lydia E. Pinkham.

[Chuckling]
Oh, well...

Thank you. Oh, well...

Uh, my secretary
is out right now,

but I'll take care of it
as soon as she returns.

I, um, can't help but think
you're wasting your time.

But if you'd like to talk
to my personnel director,

he could probably
tell you more
about Mr. Lessing.

No, I've already spoken to him
and he showed me
Mr. Lessing's file.

Oh, listen, you know,
in that connection, uh,

there was something funny
about that, you know.

It was the only file folder
in the whole cabinet

that had been
shoved in backwards.

L... I don't understand.

I'm sure it don't
mean anything.

I was just
wondering about it.

Because personnel
files are confidential

and the file
is usually locked.

So, I was just curious
who might have a key
and who wouldn't have a key.

Well, um, I have one,
and, uh, probably
a dozen other people.

I could get you a list
if you like.

No, that won't be necessary.

Maybe later.

I won't bother you anymore.

No trouble, Lieutenant.

Oh. Lieutenant,

you will let me know
the minute you have any idea

who that poor boy's murderer
was, won't you?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

##[piano playing]

Oh, yes, Dora, um, there's
a Lt. Columbo in the building.

I think he's on his way
up to the lab now.

Would you please see...
Miss Scott.

There is something maybe
I ought to tell you right now

because it might not
have been a murderer.

I think it was a woman
that killed him.

You do?

Or at least a woman
was there last night.

You see, on the back
of this television magazine

that just must have come
in the mail just yesterday,

there was a lot doodling.

Black figures, black numbers,
and dollar signs.

[Clearing throat]

Yes?

Mmm.

Well, they were written
with a black eyebrow pencil.

I spotted it right away
because that's what my wife
always uses

when she makes out
her grocery list.

When she goes into her purse,

that's the only kind of pencil
she can ever find.

Then you're wasting your time
here, aren't you, Lieutenant?

What do you mean?

Talking to a redhead.

Brunettes use
black eyebrow pencil.

##[piano continues playing]

Do you know if he had
any girlfriends?

Now, how would I know
if he had any girlfriends?

I just work here,
that's all.

No, I was just thinking, uh,
you know, maybe somebody
here in the company?

Because you can't help
noticing, there's an awful lot
of female employees around.

Models, Lieutenant.

I mean, you don't think
they'd be interested in a mere
chemist's salary, do you?

Besides, this guy Karl
was one of those guys

that stuck pretty much
to himself.

Guy with a lot of ambition,
you know what I mean?

I guess he figured
if you can't bed
the mother hen,

why waste time
with the chickens?

Mind if I ask you
something?

What are you doing
all this for, anyway?

Because whenever they stop
one of these projects, I gotta
get rid of everything...

the papers,
the test materials,
everything.

[Glass clinking]

Why?

To keep the other companies
from finding out.

Come on.

What was that project
Mr. Lessing was working on,
anyway?

Who knows? They never
tell anybody anything.

Just her nibs
and a few top executives.

Gee whiz, you'd think
that you were building
secret weapons around here.

Why, we're not?

Do you have any idea how much
the women of America spend

to make themselves beautiful?

Anyway, whatever it was,
it didn't work

because everybody
in this section got canned.

Oh. Really?

Uh. Excuse me just
one minute. Um...

What's the matter?

You got to throw this out?

Yeah, of course.
Everything goes.

What would I use this
for, anyway?

I mean it's got no label,
it's got no writing, nothing.

Every test product
has a special container,
Lieutenant.

Like the one
you're holding.

Here, let me show you.
Hold this.

[Clinking]
Now, there were only
a dozen of these.

It's a way of coding,
that's all.

Coding, you know
what I mean?

Different colors,
different shapes.

And one is missing.

Hmm.

You mind if I keep this?

For what?
They've all been sterilized.
There's nothing in them.

Oh, well, it's sort of nice.
You keep things in it.

Cuff links, tie clasp.

I kind of like the bottom.

Eight sides.

What do they call that,
octagonal?

[Dora chattering]

Oh, Miss Scott, your phone's
been ringing and ringing.

I know, Dora.
Never mind.

I don't want to be
bothered yet.

Don't let anyone in to see me
for a little while.

(Columbo)
Miss Scott!

I'm sure glad
I caught you.

I want to thank you
for letting me look around.

Boy, this cosmetic business.

It sure is a long way
from just hair curlers
and face grease.

You know, I had no idea.

Fellow showed me an eyelash,
it was made out of
real live mink.

And the third floor,
they don't do anything
up there

but cook up perfume for men.

Am I right?

Right.

What's the world coming to?

Well, come back anytime
you like, Lieutenant,
and find out.

Thank you. I think
I've seen enough.

Oh, listen.
There's one other thing
I wanted to ask you about.

Uh, the fellow that Lessing
worked with, Dr. Murcheson.

Uh, I can't find him,
and I was wondering
whether you could help me?

Apparently, he goofed up
on some expensive project
that he was working on.

Gee, I've seen this picture
every day for 12 years.

You're a beautiful woman.

At any rate, uh,

I've got Dr. Murcheson's
telephone number
and I've called him,

uh, but I haven't had
any luck. Can you help me?

Well, just try
the nearest saloon.

I'm sure that's the only place
he's welcome anymore.

Say, Miss Scott,

can I ask you
a personal question?

[Phone ringing]

Yes.

It's, uh...

Well, you know, it has to do
with these pictures.

You always wear
a beauty mark.

Only this morning,
you don't have it on.

Oh! Is that all?

It's just one of those things
I never do
before lunchtime, darling.

Bye-bye.

No, what I was
wondering about was, uh,

how you put
those things on.

I mean, do you stick them on,
or do you paint them on, or...

[phone ringing]

Well, I can tell
you're not interested

and your mind's
someplace else.

Don't worry about it.
I'll ask somebody else.

Oh, no, Lieutenant,
I don't mind telling you.

I use an eyebrow pencil,
of course.

A black one.

(Columbo)
Bye-bye, ma'am.

(Shirley)
Goodbye, sir.

[Footsteps fading]

Um, extension 517, please.

Hello, I'd like to speak
with Miss Shirley Blane.

You mean she
hasn't come to work...

Oh, I see.

Oh, no, uh, I'll call back.

In about half an hour?
Thank you.

[Telephone ringing]

Hello?

Hello?

Hung up.

Phone was ringing
every few minutes,

so I thought
I'd answer it.

I hope you don't mind.

Oh, I'm very sorry
that I wasn't here
to help you, sir,

but I've been very busy
taking dictation.

Now, what can I do for you?

Yes, l...
May I get that for you?

Thank you.

All those cigarettes yours?

Yes.

May I tell you something?

Yes.

Whenever I see
a pretty young girl like you
doing all that smoking,

I say to myself:

"Why does she
take the chance?"

[Speaking softly]
Thank you.

Hey, wait a minute.
My cigar.

Now, you were telling me
that you're...

Yeah. I'm Lt. Columbo.
I'm from the L.A.P.D.

Isn't that a shame?

Good-looking
young guy like that.

Yes, I haven't had
a chance to read it yet.

Why are you
here, Lieutenant?

Oh, I just want to see
Mr. Lang for a moment.

The girl in the outer office
said maybe you could
slip me in.

May I tell him
what it's about?

Oh, don't bother,
I'll do that.

You don't mind if I borrow
that paper, do you?

No.
I'll bring it back.

(Lang)
Sorry, Lieutenant.
Karl Lessing.

I never heard
of the man.

You mind taking
another look?

Well, I never met him, either,
as far as I can remember.

Now, why would I?

Well, you know, he wasn't
actually a scientist

like it says there
in the paper.

You know, really, he was just
an assistant chemist.

You mean over at Beauty Mark.

I read faster
than you might think.

Well, I've been there
a few times, of course.
I mean, after all,

Viveca Scott is one
of my oldest
and dearest friends.

So it's quite possible
that I've run into him
sometime or another.

Oh. But really, Columbo, look,
this is one of the biggest
businesses in the country.

L... I mean,
there are literally thousands
of chemists in cosmetics.

Now, why you should come here
and question me
about some unknown,

l... I just don't understand.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm.

Hey, I gotta pay that. Um...

One moment.

That's it.

That's what?

Mr. Lang,
the phone company tells me

that you've only had
this number for a few months

and that it's
a private number.

Well?

Well, I was sort of wondering
why this Karl Lessing
would have it.

You see, my office told me
that they found
this number scribbled

on a small piece of paper
in Mr. Lessing's wallet.

Well, why the devil
didn't you say that
in the first place?

Well, I wanted
to make sure first, sir.

You see, even
the phone company
makes mistakes, and, uh,

inasmuch as this number
was the only thing about you
that anybody found...

Yes, of course.
I mean it... it just never...

[sighing]

Wait a minute.

[Sighs]

Hmm.

Find something
there, sir?

Well, there are
a lot of young chemists
in and out of here.

You know, we pay
the highest wages
in the business,

so naturally they come here
looking for jobs.

Just a second.

Shirley, come in here
a minute, will you?

We do know Mr. Lessing
was expecting some money.

And maybe a lot of money.

Now, don't get ahead
of yourself, Lieutenant.

I haven't offered
anyone a job for months.

Oh, Shirley,

look, have a look here, huh?
It's not a very good picture,

but there was a young fellow
in here the other day,
maybe once before.

I didn't have time
to talk to him.

Doesn't look familiar.

Lessing?

No, that's the wrong name.

But he was about, uh...

Well, average height,
curly hair.

It was something like, uh,

Johnson,
Jefferson maybe.

Oh.

Well, you may be right, sir,
but you didn't ask me

to fill out a card on him
or anything like that.

That's all that there was.

I'm afraid I didn't hear
anything he said, Lieutenant.

I'm very sorry, sir,
but you see, I'm so busy

I don't have time to notice
everyone who comes
into the office.

Why would he
change his name?

If he was already working
for Viveca?

[Chuckles]

She demands devotion
from her handsome young men.

Oh, I don't mean it
in quite that way, no.

Well, protocol,
discretion, who knows?

I still can't figure out
how he'd get your
private phone number.

Unless he looked
at it, Lieutenant?

Just as you did?

Mmm.

Sorry I couldn't
be of more help.

Me, too, sir.

You see, this Lessing was
up to something, I think.

But this cosmetics stuff
is such a complicated thing.

I mean, all this top secret
research going on,

and people spying
on other people's products.

So, you know, I thought maybe
you could give me some clue.

If you're questioning
the American system of
free enterprise, Lieutenant,

you've come
to the wrong place.

Besides, here at Lang,
we don't need to bother
with that sort of thing.

$10 raise.

[Shushing]
Did you ever hear of anything
so insufferably male?

Then what did he say?

To that silly
policeman?

You don't think
David Lang

would let himself
be concerned

with anything human
like a murder, do you?

Maybe.

If you're so sure that the man
he wrote the check to,

that Harry Smith,
is really Karl Lessing,

then maybe they got
into a fight

over the price
of the formula
or something.

They were trying
to cheat each other,
weren't they?

And you think
that Mr. Lang killed him?

Oh, no. No way.

You see, I saw that picture
in the newspaper first
this morning.

And then, when Mr. Lang
came in and noticed it
there on my desk,

well, he didn't say a word.

But I thought for a moment
he was going to faint.

Oh, uh...

Dear, may I see that?

I'm sure it's not
your size anyway.

And then do you know
what he did?

Shirley, we can't
stay here all day.

Well, he said he was going
downstairs for just a moment.

But where he really went
was the bank.

I know, because I've got
a girlfriend over there.

And do you know
what he did?

He deposited
that $200,000 check
right back into his account.

Well, so what?
That still doesn't mean
he couldn't have murdered...

Oh, no, I'm positive he...

$450.

I wonder if I
could afford that.

I really have to go.

I know, but, Viveca, dear,

if Mr. Lang didn't kill
that nice young man,

then who do you suppose did?

Shirley, dear,
why don't you come out
to the farm this afternoon?

You know,
take that same back road.

There's something
I want to talk to you about.

But how can I leave
the office?

I mean, Mr. Lang might have
errands for me to run,
but I don't know if...

All right,
if you can't make it.

I just thought...

Well, we haven't
talked about you yet.

3:00?

How about 3:00?

Good.

That same place
that we met before.

Good.

Why, Miss Scott, I didn't
see you. Is there something
we can show you?

No, just slumming
my way to lunch. Bye-bye.

[Chuckles]
Bye.

[Car horn honks]

(trainer)
Legs up. 1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.
1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.
1, 2, 3, 4.

Together, girls,
together. Legs up.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Up, up.

1, 2, 3, 4.
1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.
1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.
Together girls,
together. Legs up.

1, 2, 3, 4.
Up, up.

1, 2, 3, 4.
1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.
1, 2, 3, 4.

Legs up.
1, 2, 3, 4.

File in here, girls.
File in line here.
File in line.

All right, girls.
Lay down. Lay down.

1... 2... 3... 4.

1... 2... 3... 4.

That's right, girls.
Be happy.

1, 2, 3, 4.
1, 2, 3, 4.

Lieutenant!

(trainer)
Legs up!

What on earth
are you doing here?

Oh, nothing much, ma'am.

So what kind of place
is this, anyway?
You know, they...

When they said
you were up on your farm,

I thought, well, maybe
you were raising avocados.

Don't tell me you've
never heard of a fat farm?

Oh, this is a fat farm.

Gee, you know,
it looks more like a temple.

So this is a place
where people come to reduce.

Oh, And, uh, mmm,
body revitalization.

We have a whole program here:
Beauty, and hair design, uh...

But our main emphasis
is on, uh, reducing.

I see.
(trainer)
Get the leg up.

This would be
a terrific thing
for my wife.

You know, she's got
a little problem...

Well, we'll put her
on the list. Um,
it's only $200 a day.

Now, did you have
something to say to me?

I think we ought to forget
about that waiting list

and see if I can find
a more inexpensive...

As you can see, Lieutenant,
l... I'm on
a very tight schedule.

If you didn't
have anything to say,
I really must be going.

Oh, ma'am, listen,
don't worry about that.
You go about your business.

No, I'm not gonna interfere
with your schedule.

You do whatever you have to do
and I'll just tag along
and don't you worry about it.

You know who I met today?
A fellow named David Lang.

Had some very nice things
to say about you.

I can imagine.

But you know what?
It's just possible

that this Mr. Lang
might know more
than he's willing to admit.

I mean, about what Mr. Lessing
might have been up to

and how he expected
to get more money...
Lieutenant,

David Lang hasn't
told the truth about anything
for 50 years.

You know, I was
wondering about that

because, you know, you're
so different, and that's
what I admire about you.

When you don't like somebody,
you... you just come right out
and you say it.

I mean, when you fired
Dr. Murcheson, and Lessing,
and everybody else.

Lieutenant, I have
to go in this way.

I'm afraid
you're just going to have
to come back another day.

Ma'am, you just do
whatever you have to do
and don't worry about me.

I certainly don't want
to interfere with anything.

Nude sunbathing,
Lieutenant.

I'll be in town tonight
if you'd like
to call me then.

Uh, no, that's
all right, ma'am.

No, I'll just wait
right out here.

You do whatever
you have to do.

Uh, oh... oh, I just
thought of something.

Uh...
Uh...

Didn't you say you wanted
to talk to Dr. Murcheson?

Uh, yes, but we haven't
been able to find him.

Oh. That's because
I found him.

He's right through
that door.

Go right,
straight down the corridor,
and to your left.

Oh, fine. All right, well.
Thank you very...
Uh, I'll...

T-talk to you later.

Viveca.

Viveca, where have you been?
I can't wait.

Mr. Lang just thinks
I've gone to the store...

Listen, love,
we can't talk now.

Oh! Oh, let me get it.
Let me get it.

Goodness.

Uh, that Lieutenant is here,
so we can't talk now anyway.

I bet he'd be rather curious
if he saw us together,
wouldn't he?

Well, no one ever has.

Yes, but there's
really no reason
why not, is there?

(Viveca)
Well, no.

Let's just, uh, wait
till this silly business
is over with, that's all.

Let me walk you
to your car.

[Slapping]
(Murcheson)
That's my kidney! Oh!

Help! Whoever you are,
come liberate me.

(woman)
Olga.

[Murcheson groaning]
Fight for your sex!

(woman)
Oh, good, take off
your raincoat,

dressing room over there,
and take off your clothes,
please.

I'll be right with you.

(Murcheson)
Don't let her do it. Stand up,
man. Stand up. Fight!

They'll be taking over
the world.

(man)
Now, you stop that.
We already have.

I'm a policeman
and I'm here to see
a Dr. Murcheson.

Oh. Dr. Murcheson,
a policeman to see you.

Oh! Rescue the Marines!

Get out of here. Out.

Ah, you're a naughty boy.

And I drink too much.

And you drink too much.

Thank you very much.

Ja.

You're all nice girls.

[Groans]

You know, it would have
done you some good, but...

[groans]

What a way to sober up.

Uh, Dr. Murcheson,
my name is Lt. Columbo,
I'm from the L.A.P.D.

I know, I know,
Viveca told me.

You're looking into
Karl Lessing's murder.

[Groaning]
Poor kid.

As matter of fact, I am
looking into the murder...

But I wanted
to ask you something.

You know, I'm surprised
to find you here. I thought
that she was angry at you.

You don't understand her yet,
do you? Nobody does.

I don't quite follow
what you're saying.

Because she knows
I'll always love her.

That's all.

Because I understand.

The Goddess of Beauty, sir,
never changes.

That's why she is
what she is.

(Shirley)
That's all I want, Viveca.
Just... just to be like you.

But with my present
lousy job, it's...

Of course, dear.

I'll find a place
for you.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

On the executive level?

Because, you know,
that's really the only way
to do anything.

But there just
isn't time to...

What're you looking for?
Did you lose something?

Oh, my cigarettes.
I must've dropped them.

Oh, no, wait.
Someone will see you.

I have some.

This will hold you.

Thanks.

I didn't even know
that you smoked.

There's a lot
we have to learn
about each other.

But we will,
don't worry.

Whew.

Taste terrible?

I'm not surprised,
with the amount
of cigarettes you smoke.

I think that's our
first order of business,
to get you the cure.

Maybe in Europe.

And then we'll start
fixing up your office.

On the top floor,
right next to mine.

Yes.

Thank you, Viveca.

I won't ever tell
anybody anything.

Don't worry.

Bye.

[Engine starting]

Goodbye, Shirley.

[Gasps]
Oh!

Couldn't you
find, uh, Murcheson?

Oh, yes, ma'am,
I found him, but, uh...

I guess he doesn't
know very much,

or he can't remember
very much. One or the other.

Well, I'm sorry you
wasted your time here.

Well, actually, ma'am,
it was you that I wanted
to talk to.

I'll tell you what
I was curious about.

Do you have a moment?

Go on.

[Clearing throat]

Throat.

What I was curious about
was, uh,

if the murderer
stole something
from Mr. Lessing that night...

What makes you think
something was stolen?

Well, you see, we know
that Mr. Lessing
worked on a modest salary.

Now we find out that he's
planning this big
expensive trip to Europe.

So, obviously
he's expecting...

Lieutenant,
I really don't know
what you're talking about.

But I have
over a dozen ladies out there
waiting for my encouragement.

Please excuse me.

You don't mind
if I just tag along, do you?

No! I-I'm sorry.
I really am.

But you've taken up
enough of my day.

(Viveca)
Alice.

Up.
You're cheating.

Remember your goal.
Now, come on.

Harder. Come on,
that's a girl.

That's it, Mary.
Pay attention, now.

(man)
Up!

Up!

Uh, Charlie.
Yes?

Uh, pick up the tempo
a little, I'll be back.

Come on, girls. Up!

Down. Up.

You really are
a very stubborn man,
aren't you, Lieutenant?

Do you actually believe
that I could've had
anything to do

with that poor
Mr. Lessing's death?

Is that why you're
chasing me?

Miss Scott, are you aware
that Karl Lessing
had a photograph of yours

which he put in his dartboard
and which he used as a target?

A what?

Now don't get excited.
It doesn't mean anything.

A lot of people wanna
throw darts at their bosses.

You know, as a matter of fact,
a while back here

there was a captain
of detectives, and he
and I didn't get along.

I used to have fantasies
about him.

I always had my hands
around his throat.

You belong in a museum.

[Tires screeching]

[Crashing]

Have you ever been
in Lessing's place?

Lessing's?
Don't be ridiculous.

I'll tell you why I
asked that question:

Because we have
a little problem

trying to figure out
how the perpetrator got in.

Now, it occurred to me that,
you know, a young guy
like that

might have girlfriends
that he'd give a key to.

But why would one of
the girlfriends be interested
in one of those red jars?

A what?

One of those red jars.

You know, the kind that
you used in your last
research projects?

Because the measurements fit.

There's no doubt that
what was in that flour tin

was one of those
eight-sided red jars.

So maybe Mr. Lessing
knew something
about that research material

that Dr. Murcheson didn't.

Look, I don't wanna interfere
with your exercising.

You go back and do
what you were doing.

[Treadmill whirring]

But listen, you know,
that's all just speculation.

That don't mean anything.

Uh, what I really wanna do
is clear up some gossip
I keep hearing.

And this will be
my last question.

Miss Scott,

you're a beautiful woman,
you got a lot of life in you.

A handsome young man
comes to work for you.

Mr. Lessing is
an attractive single man.

And you heard
that I might've dated him
a couple of times, is that it?

Well, that's quite true.

Do you know
how long ago that was?
That was two years ago

and there've been
hundreds since then.

I like young men, Lieutenant,
lots of them.

And if that shocks
your ancient masculine
double standard, I'm sorry.

Sorry, ma'am.
I didn't mean
to upset you.

I'd better run along.

You've been very cooperative.
Thank you very, very much.

[Sighs]

(Charlie)
...3, 4. Up!
1, 2, 3, 4.

[Sighs]

Oh, say, you wouldn't know
what poison ivy
looks like, would you?

I mean, when you get it?

Like right here
on this finger, here?

Uh...

I'm afraid I don't.

Broke out
a couple of hours ago.
Itches like the devil.

You know, I got a nephew
out at U.C.L.A.

He's resident
dermatologist out there.

He said it sounded
like poison ivy.

A dermatologist?
Well!

[Chuckles]

Then it must be,
uh, poison ivy.

Yeah.

I tell you, the only
problem is, I...

A guy down in headquarters,
Sgt. Kiester, German guy,

his hobby is horticulture.
You know, plants?

Uh, he told me
there is no poison ivy
in Southern California.

Not enough moisture.

Well, then maybe
it isn't poison ivy.

Then I went out to U.C.L.A.

I showed it to my nephew.
He looked at it.

He said it is poison ivy.

Lieutenant

I did not kill Karl Lessing.

I couldn't kill a fly.

(Dora)
Oh. Miss Scott, wait.

I just couldn't stop him.

The cleaning girl
had the door open.

It's all right, Dora.

Lieutenant.

Miss Scott.

Wanna compliment you
on your office.
It's very impressive.

Well, thank you.
What can I do for you?

Dora, as soon as
the directors arrive,

would you please
send them right in?

Actually, I just
came here to apologize.

It will only take a second.

Apologize for what?

I thought
I upset you yesterday.

I regret that. However,
what's done is done.

Uh, did you happen
to see this?

Oh, yes, I heard about that.

She was a very pretty girl,
wasn't she?

You didn't happen
to know her, did you?

No, I only asked
because she was
Mr. Lang's secretary.

As a matter of fact
we did meet once.

Just the other day.
She was with David
at a fashion show.

We spoke, but
that's all. Why?

Mmm.

I just thought
maybe you could help me,
that's all.

Tell you, this guy David Lang,
he's the toughest nut to crack
I've ever run into.

But listen, never mind.

That's my problem.

There was nothing wrong
with this, um,

Shirley Blane's death,
was there?

Well, in a bad
car accident like that,
it's kind of hard to tell.

But one of the doctors,

he thought her eyes
were sort of dilated.

Well, what does that mean?

Could be drugs.
A quick-acting poison.

You know what I found out?

I found out that they
actually use poisons
when they make cosmetics.

Belladonna, aconite.

Not that much anymore,
Lieutenant.

No, huh?

Not anymore.

Mmm.

But there was one thing
they found.

A copy of an enormous check
from Mr. Lang
to a fellow named Harry Smith.

What was funny about this
is that the bank tells me

that Mr. Lang drew this check
the morning before
Mr. Lessing was murdered

and brought it back,

and put it back
into his account

the afternoon
after he was murdered.

Well, what does
David say?

What does a clam say?

Well, his closet
is rather full of snakes.

Once he opens his mouth
on anything...

No, but really, Lieutenant,
I think, uh,

just because David was once
a chemist himself

doesn't mean that he'd try
to use drugs on anything
as horrible as that.

He was? He was a chemist?

Well, that might be
very helpful to me.

Thank you.
That just might help me.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

I'm gonna get out
of your hair, Miss Scott.

I see you have
other things to do.

Bye-bye.

[Door closing]

Say, I was going to show
you something funny.

Doesn't that
look awful?

But I tell you,
it sure stops the itching.

Incidentally,
that was poison ivy.

My nephew got
the report in this morning.

Oh, you poor thing.

But I tell you, that's not
the funniest part.

Here's the funny part.

You know, the problem was,
where did I get
the darned stuff?

Because they don't have any
here in California,

except maybe
in one place.

Lessing's place.

Hard to believe.

What are those?

Oh, we always take
a lot of photographs.
You don't want to see that.

Uh, here we are.

I guess what Mr. Lessing did
was, I guess he had
a second job

and he worked
for a medical lab
every once in a while.

Ah, that looks like Latin.

But I couldn't guess that
because I'd only
taken Spanish.

But you know what that means?

Not poison ivy?

Exactly.

That's the extract
of poison ivy.
That's called "urushiol."

And that's the stuff
that makes your hand itch.

Now, he must've had
a jar around,

you know, somewhere
around the apartment,

and somewhere I must've
touched it.

So I sent a whole crew of guys
out there and now they're
going to comb that place

and see whether
they can come up with that.

Do you have the time?

I think I have mine.

Oh, dear.

Uh, Miss Scott,
I wanna thank you

for being so patient.

Mmm.

And I wanna thank you
for being so nice yesterday.

Oh, anytime,
Lieutenant. Goodbye.

[Door opening]

[Door closing]

Murch.

Oh, Viveca, not the whip.
I'm doing it.

I've got 15 miles
on this thing already.

Murch, dear,
I wasn't going to bother you
with this for a while

but I'm curious about
something and I just have
to know the answer.

I love you. What else?

If I brought you a quarter
of a cup of something,

could you analyze
it for me right away?

Viveca, if it's
over 86 proof...

Oh, stop
being foolish.

I'll call you
in a few minutes.

Oh, uh, Murch, um,

don't tell anyone.

Do I ever?

[Car horn honking]

[Glass shattering]

[Knocking on door]

[Knocking on door]

Sorry to disturb you, ma'am,
but I have a court order here
to search these premises.

All right, you fellows
check back in there.
You stand here.

Excuse me, ma'am.

This is outrageous.

Who's responsible for this?

What are you
looking for?

Let me put it
this way.

If you found a little red jar
with an eight-sided bottom,

would you get
promoted?

Just take it easy, lady.
Just take it easy.

I'm taking it easy.

As a matter of fact,
I could offer you a drink
and help you search

if I weren't
so furious.

No luck yet, Lieutenant.
No luck at all.

Lieutenant, would you please
do what you have to do
and get out of here?

How long is this
going to take?

Damnedest case
I've ever seen.

Will you answer me? How long
is this going to take?

I found the poison ivy.

That's good.
Where?

At Lessing's place.

I know at Lessing's,
but where?

It was in the bottom drawer
of the file cabinet.

The drawer was locked.

You were nowhere
near that drawer.

I know. I never
opened the drawer.

Still trying to figure out
where I got my poison ivy.

Poor thing. Still worried
about your itch.

You worried about yours?

No.

I couldn't help noticing,
ma'am, the past few days

you've been scratching
your hand and wearing gloves.

So?

Been out of state recently?

No.

Neither have I.

Lieutenant, you amaze me.

Number one,
you don't even know
if I have poison ivy.

The doctor will tell us that.

Number two,
even if I do have it,

it has nothing to do
with Karl Lessing

because I never touched
that vial.

You're under arrest
for murder.

Sergeant, would you step out
of the room for a moment?

Hey, Lieutenant,
another second is all...

Don't worry about it.

Okay. All right,
fellows, let's go.

Did you ever have the feeling
when you're about to go
on a trip

that you forgot something?

You know, just as you
get in the cab
to go to the airport,

you have an anxious feeling
that you forgot something,
that something is missing?

That's the feeling I got
the first time
I saw that microscope.

I remember I turned
and I saw it,

and I said,
"Is that a microscope?"

I started walking toward it,

and I remember
the fingerprint man,

he was talking.

I didn't hear him good

because I was distracted
by the feeling
that something was missing.

You know what I mean?

That can be very annoying.

It was, until an hour ago.

I ran into George,
my brother-in-law.

He's just back
from Mexico today.

He said,
"Take a look at these."

He knows that I love
family pictures.

He took these out,
handed them to me,
and he said:

"These are the best slides
I've ever taken."

Slides.

Slides.

That's when it hit me.

Where there's a microscope,
there's always a slide.

You see, we got our poison ivy
in the same place.

We both touched the slide.

You touched it
when you picked up
the microscope and hit him.

That's when the slide broke.

I got it when I put my hand
on the floor

and it touched
a piece of glass.

I remember because I said:
"Fellows, feels like there's
broken glass here."

The fingerprint man,
he thought the glass came
from a drinking glass.

Wow.

Very good, Lieutenant.

Officer!

Officer, take care
of Miss Scott,

and I'll be
right with you.

Um,

Give your brother-in-law
a message for me.

Something appropriate.