Original subtitles

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

Ooh!

- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan! - Duncan!

All right.

Let's see what's happening in the Meta-verse.

That name scares me.

Mark Zuckerberg is playing God.

Hmm, "Celebrate the people you love most

with a special birthday wish."

God, that's a lot of pressure.

Annie, give me something emotional and heartfelt.

How about "HBD"?

That's beautiful.

HBD, HBD, HBD, HBD, HBD. Done.

Hi to you too, kids. How was school today?

You went to school. What do you think?

Why do you even care?

That's okay. I'll ask our pleasant child.

Mommy!

School was wonderful.

I can't wait to tell you everything that happened.

Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.

I got my first part in the kindergarten play,

"Goldilocks and the Three Bears."

Classic story. "The Sopranos" of fairy tales.

So are you Goldilocks or one of the bears?

Better. Tree Number Four.

Nice. I played many a tree.

The key is don't drink two liters of Mountain Dew

before the play.

You peed all over George Washington

when he chopped you down.

- Smile, Jing. - Ah!

♪BroadwayBaby. Post.

You don't have to say "post" every time you post something.

That's the most fun part.

Aw.

"Congrats, so proud." Post.

"Nice post, Jack." Post.

Stop narrating.

Hey, let's go celebrate Jing's breakout role.

I got free passes to mini-golf

'cause I found a human foot in their septic tank

and agreed to keep it quiet.

Status update. "Too blessed to be stressed."

Post.

Okay, it's a 30-degree slope past the Fairy Princess Castle

with a slight backwind.

I'm gonna go putter.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

Damn, Mavis.

I'm trying to get my pre-scandal Tiger Woods on!

No, not the center. That's the sucker hole.

You see how worn down it is?

That's from suckers sucking.

You act like you're God's gift to mini-golf.

Yeah. Why do I act that way?

Boom. Oh, yeah, that's why.

Nothing but cup.

Next up, pirate ship.

They don't tell you this, but the cannon is a shortcut.

My ball's green!

And mine's blue.

Aw, I love our post-worthy kids.

Okay, now let's get one by the windmill.

What do you think, Jack? #Amster-DamnGoodTime.

Oh, can we post that?

I mean, my Aunt Faye just called

for the public hanging of the school board,

so I think we can.

You've taken a photo of us at every hole.

I feel like the world's lamest influencer.

Dut-dut-dut, just get in front of the windmill

and try to look better than other people's kids.

Aah!

Oh, my God.

Don't worry, Duncan. I'll switch to video.

Aah!

Thank God it's over.

Aah!

Thank God it's over.

Hey, Duncan, which one's the shortcut?

The cannon!

Oh, boy. What did Chet Hanks do now?

Don't look. Play through.

She posted that?

Yo, D, I got a crazy new nickname for you.

Ba-Dunkie-Dunk. Whatchu think?

Well, naturally, I don't like it, but--

Ba-Dunkie-Dunk!

That's gonna stick.

This is so unfair.

My mom posting crap without asking,

giving me nicknames that are sticking...

Sorry, Ba-Dunkie-Dunk,

but you're a victim of sharenting.

Damn right I am! What's sharenting?

When parents post photos or videos of their kids

without their consent.

Like, once I was invited to tour Harvard,

and I stopped at the Harvard gift shop

to get this Harvard sweatshirt that says "Harvard,"

but it was one size too big for me

and my mom posted the photo.

Ugh, so humiliating.

That was the most unrelatable story ever.

The point is, it's wrong,

and you should call your parents out on it.

Oh, and your dad just posted a brand new angle.

Man, this really captures the fear in your eyes.

Who wants to spend the rest of class

playing TLC's "Waterfalls" over this?

Ooh, yes, please!

Come on, man. Make it unanimous.

Attention.

Family meeting.

Duncan, you're denting the table!

You can put that on the list of topics to discuss later,

but we'll never get to it.

Kimberly's toenails aren't dry yet,

so she's Zooming in from her bedroom.

Hey, guys, good to see you.

Ooh, this is exciting.

Duncan has never called a family meeting before.

I've never had something

this important to discuss before.

I had an interesting conversation with Mia today.

Love Mia. So smart.

She said when you post pictures

without my permission,

it's called sharenting and it's wrong.

Mia's got a word for everything.

So annoying. - Mia's right.

I was totally humiliated

when you posted a photo of my first pimple.

But it was bright red on the tip of your nose,

and it was Christmas.

Yeah. #ZitsTheSeason.

Silence!

One more outburst, you'll be sent to the mudroom.

Piggy-banking off what Kimberly said,

I'm tired of putting my heart and soul into dance recitals

and looking out to see your faces hidden behind phones.

You're not proud. You're just making content.

We're making memories.

Childhood goes by so quickly,

and we want to remember these moments forever.

And share them online with strangers.

So what you're saying is you're emotionally profiting

off our adorableness.

How dare you.

I brought you into this metaverse

and I can take you out.

That's it! No videos at my school play.

No videos or photos of us at all!

This is very important to me,

and I'm begging you to be respectful.

Oh, my God.

Are you photographing this? - I'm sorry.

You just get that cute, pouty lip when you're serious.

Aaand post.

Stop living through us!

You need content? Get a life of your own!

Meeting adjourned.

So what's for dinner?

Can you believe those kids saying we have no lives

and we're boring?

Yeah, they have no lives and they're boring.

And I love them, blah, blah, blah.

Here's the spot I was telling you about.

See? Doesn't this show how quirky and interesting we are?

Totally.

Only we could have thought to do this.

♪SexyTinkerbell. Post.

What? A warning from Facebook?

"This photo has been flagged as hacky

"and something only boring people post.

Are you sure you have a life? Yes/No."

The kids are right.

Let's just go home and eat until we die.

Wait a minute.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Swingin' with that couple?

- No, the motorcycle! - Yep, yep, yep. Mm-hmm.

Check it out: just in case Mom and Dad try

to take a picture of me again, I drew this on my forehead.

Did you use permanent marker?

You know it.

So your school photo this year is gonna be

you with a penis on your forehead?

Ugh, you just love making me feel stupid, don't you?

What?

Open the living room door. Quick!

Look who got a life!

Oh, my God, Duncan. What's on your forehead?

And you thought you were

the most interesting things in our lives.

Well, how do you like our leather butts now?

That's not a motorcycle.

The seat's wider than our couch.

Yeah, it looks like a parade float.

This is a senior-cycle.

Listen, punks, this is the Kazooki Meanderer.

It has 1,800 CCs of raw power and lumbar support.

And there's a trunk in the front

where we can store our skid lids.

That's what us bikers call our helmets, punks.

Stop calling us punks!

I'm runnin' guns to Stockton!

Vroom, vroom! Honk, honk! Curse, curse!

Ooh, let me get a picture.

We told you, no photos.

Not Jing.

I want to post a picture

of Bikey's first day at home.

Off the hog, honey.

You kids were right about sharenting.

We were living through you without your consent.

But we're creating memories with Bikey now.

Aren't we, Bikey?

Can Bikey give me a ride to play rehearsal?

Your brother and sister can do that.

Me and my old lady got a long day

of canyon carving and validation seeking.

Hang on, sweet butt.

Whoo! - Meanderer!

Hey, how'd you get the penis off your forehead?

I rubbed it out.

This porridge is too-- um, line?

Ugh, cold. The porridge is cold, Shannon.

That's your motivation for moving to the next bowl.

How did Jing get stuck with Tree Number Four?

Tree Number One is asleep.

Tree Number Two is picking his nose.

And Tree Number Three keeps saying "meow."

- Meow. - Yeah.

Jing's the only kid up there with any talent.

Her branch swing is so present but not upstage-y.

Okay, and cue bears.

Ma, my freakin' bowl is empty!

I been working the docks all day,

and this is what I come home to?

Oobatz! Ha!

Joey, that's the twelfth bowl you've broken.

Please stick to the script.

Did you eat my porridge?

Did you eat my freakin' porridge, blondie?

Lil' Joey is so miscast.

Baby Bear's supposed to be cute like Jing.

Excuse me, Mr. Perry.

You directed me ten years ago as Tree Number Eight.

Oh, yes. Very memorable.

I slipped in your copious Mountain Dew urine

and dislocated my shoulder.

This is your production and we don't want to overstep,

but it's an absolute mess

and you're doing a terrible job.

Here's the skinny, I could give a hoot

about this two-bit kindergarten production.

And I'm up for a middle school revival

of "Thoroughly Modern Millie."

This play is yours.

I'm going shopping for flapper dresses.

Joey, could we talk to you?

"Baby Bear." I stay in character.

Actually, we feel your talents are wasted

as Baby Bear.

We need someone to pull the rope

that raises the curtain.

You're the strongest kid here, right?

Damn right I am.

I threw a Super Ball right over the school.

Let's see any of those noodle arms do that.

Everyone, the role of Baby Bear is now played by--

hmm, let's see--Jing.

Yay!

From the top.

If you're not off book, you're not on stage.

A-Train, this is Jack-O,

talking to you through our new helmet mics.

What's your 20, over?

Straddling you with my arms around your waist, over.

- Copy. - Copy your copy.

Love you.

Got some cagers ahead. Biker slang for cars.

Gonna glide right through, over.

Punks!

Well, Mavis, it cost two week's pay,

but this new paint job has got me feeling good.

I don't deserve nice things.

Post a photo of our new, interesting lifestyle.

both: Eee!

♪BugginOut. Post.

Ooh, check it out, Jack.

It's Hog Night at The Big Fat Child '50s Diner.

We should go.

We could meet other hobby hoggers like us.

Okay, but let me drive.

Bitch-switch coming up.

That went a lot better than last time, over.

Hell of a comfy bike you got there.

That the Kazooki Meanderer? - You know it.

Fully loaded with butt warmers

and a pill organizer in the trunk.

Bitchin'. Ours is a '92 Sundowner.

Jamie Lee Curtis rides the same one.

Came with a case of her yogurt.

Oh, yeah. Our gut floor is off the chain.

Just like Jamie Lee Curtis promised.

both: JLC!

We're the Larkins, Denise and Gary,

comfy bikers since Gary's back injury settlement in '08.

We're the Harrises, A-Train and Jack-O,

comfy biking since 11:00 a. m.

How many ponies you straddling?

175, straight to the rear wheel.

- What's your cholesterol? - 175, straight to the heart.

How many times you get up in the night to pee?

Three that I know of.

Hey, we're rolling

to the Sturgeon Comfortable Bike Rally.

You should join us. Goes all weekend.

Asleep by 9:00 every night.

My sweet butt is there!

You know "sweet butt" is someone

who gets passed around for sex, right?

I did not.

But what about Jing's play?

I hate to miss it.

The kids did tell us to get out of their lives

and get our own.

So what's it gonna be?

Most fun weekend you've ever had

with middle-aged bikers,

or time with your kids who hate you?

We didn't say they hate us.

Oh, trust us. They hate you.

both: Hmm...

Amazing rehearsal.

Everyone here is elevating the work.

Uh, a few minor casting changes.

Tommy, you're now a tree.

Miley, also a tree.

Jerron, Johnny, Jimmy-- tree, tree, tree.

But Bradley, my little leading man...

Yes?

- Also a tree. - Oh.

This new script doesn't have any lines for Goldilocks.

Sounds like something a tree would say.

- But-- - Tree.

Also, the story's so tired.

I gave it a modern, edgier spin.

And Goldilocks is such a Karen, we don't need to hear from her.

The play is now titled

"Baby Bear: Someone's Been Sleeping in My Mind."

And Jing is the only one with lines,

so none of you have to worry about remembering anything.

To think, just yesterday, I was Tree Number Four.

Look at me now.

Never give up on your dreams, guys.

I can't wait till Mommy and Daddy see me up there!

"At biker rally all weekend.

Order pizza or whatevs. We have our own lives."

Love you, kids! Break a leg!

all: Sturgeon!

You know, if they die, we get all their debt, right?

Awesome.

♪ Motorbiking ♪

♪ Motorbiking ♪

♪ Motorbiking ♪

♪ Motorcycling ♪

Oh, I am so under-boobed for this.

And I'm under-ponytailed.

Jack, Annie,

this is our crew, Hell's Boomers.

Hearts as big as their prostates.

Oop, tank's full. Gotta tinkle.

It's Sturgeon, Earl.

You can go right here on the street.

Of course.

What a lovely, smelly festival.

Jack and Annie here are a couple of Sturgeon virgins.

Their snowflake kids were giving them a hard time

about "sharenting."

Trust me, you don't need to do any sharenting

when you can "showtorcycle"?

Just follow me. You'll get it.

♪ Well, here I am again ♪

♪ And I'm dressed in black ♪

♪ I got my baby, she's a long-haul pack ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ Whoo, it's so good to be alive ♪

♪ Motorbiking ♪

♪ Motorbiking ♪

Got one!

Eat it, Jay Leno.

Eh, two out of three.

Showtorcycle!

Smile, honey!

Huh? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh!

Aah!

♪ Motorbiking ♪

All right, does everyone know their lines?

- We don't have any. - Perfect.

Lil' Joey, you ready to raise the curtain?

Sure, but that's all I'm gonna do.

You want it lowered, that's Wally's job.

And I ain't no scab.

A victory for one's a victory for all.

Nailed it, Pop!

Okay, that's what we came to see.

Get the car, Ange.

But this chair is just right.

all: Aw!

Well, it used to be.

Ha!

What are you hungry for?

Love? Money? Power?

I was hungry for porridge,

but it was stolen from me!

Ooh!

Oh, we're definitely staying. Sit down.

They're into it.

We're the Billie and Finneas of children's theater.

Ugh, I'm gonna be laying fish eggs for a week.

Oh, boy.

Damn, you two have grown on us faster

than an ass callous.

Before we met you,

we had nothing but careers and kids.

But now, our lives have meaning.

Yeah, this may be the high mercury content

of the sturgeon talking,

but we want to grow old with you.

What do you think, Gary?

I know they're young punks,

but should we invite them to join Hell's Boomers?

You read my conspiracy theory damaged mind.

We don't give these badges to just anybody,

but we met you in a diner parking lot,

so we know you're the real deal.

They're a symbol of allegiance

to our freedom-loving lifestyle.

Also, you get 10% off your meal today.

We would be honored to join your leathery crew.

Uh-uh, we have this fun, little initiation thing

we make everybody do.

Sounds neat. Lay it on us.

You just have to set fire

to that Winnebago parked across the street.

- Wait, are you serious? - Yeah.

Go do it. And hurry back.

We ordered pizookie for dessert.

Well, I guess it's all right as long as nobody gets hurt.

Oh, people are gonna get hurt.

There's a couple in their 50s inside

who cut us off in traffic.

You need to burn 'em alive.

Wait, but we thought you were like us.

Nice, middle-aged people with unappreciative kids

and a drawer full of compression socks.

We are, but when the weekend rolls around,

we put on our colors

and we bash the skulls in of anyone who crosses us.

And then, we watch "Yellowstone."

Have you seen it?

Well then, I guess we'll go outside

and burn 'em up.

All right, do we need to tape the door shut first?

'Cause when that couple sees fire,

they're gonna try and get out.

Jack, we're not killing people!

Oh, thank God.

I thought you really wanted that patch.

What are we even doing here? We're not bikers.

We're overbearing parents

who should be at their daughter's play.

Where the hell do you think you're going?

Hmm?

Domino!

Huh.

Go, go, go!

Drive away!

Senior bikers are gonna kill you!

Well, that's a shame. They seemed like good people.

You know what I feel like murdering?

That pizookie.

Mwah. - Mm.

Someone's sleeping in my bed.

And she's still here.

And I'm still here, Mama and Papa.

I'm still here!

- Oh! - Yeah!

- Jing! Bravo! - Whoo!

Aw, jeez, I haven't cried like this since "Jersey Boys."

Duncan, Kimberly!

Trees One through Fourteen!

Get out here!

Shannon, over here.

Magnificent, Bradley. Smile!

How come no one's taking our picture?

Yeah, this is probably

the greatest thing I'll ever do.

Our childhood's going by so quickly.

Someone should want to remember this forever.

Like a parent who wants to share this moment

of their parenting.

all: Ohhh.

Mom and Dad were just trying to celebrate us,

and we treated them like crap.

What?

Open the auditorium door. Quick!

Joey, open the door.

Sorry, if you want doors opened--

all: Joey!

Ow!

Mommy!

Ooh, you smell like fish.

But I don't care!

Sorry we weren't here, kids.

But when you told us to get a life,

we thought it would be this admittedly awesome motorcycle.

But the truth is, you kids are our lives.

Whatever.

Stop talking and take our picture.

♪SharentingIsCarenting.

all: Aaand post.

This is so much nicer than burning a couple alive.

- What? - Uh...

Let's go mini-golfing again!

all: Yay!

Hang on!

Aah!

Thank God I got union medical.

Is it done, Daddy?

Almost.

Wow, you must have felt really guilty

about missing Jing's play to buy her one of those.

Well, it's what she asked for.

You want to give it a go, Jing?

Whee!

I'm cheating death!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoa!

Ooh.

both: Whoo!

That doesn't sound g--aah!

Well, I donated a lot of plasma,

but I was able to afford a new paint job

and this giant cake.

Yeah, I can't wait to eat it either.

First, we eat the cake.

Then, we call 911.