Original subtitles

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Mommy.

both: Duncan.

♪ Witch Day, Witch Day, throw crones upon the pyre ♪

Happy witch day, Huxter.

I'm a little dirtbag. Oink, meow.

Why are these fake tombstones so heavy?

'Cause they're real.

I had your father borrow them from the cemetery.

Oh, my God.

How many times have I told you,

do not disturb the dead?

Calm down. They're our relatives.

Jam them in the dirt, Jack, respectfully.

"Reader's Digest" told me about this amazing new website,

AncestorsLife.com.

At first I misspelled it with an I

and that website was disgusting,

but AncestorsLife.com tells you the history of your family

and their gruesome deaths.

People died in such crazy ways back then.

Stonings, beheadings, petticoat fires.

Hey, Dad, someone's here to see you

around the side of the house.

Okay. Unusual place to meet, but--

That creepy doll!

Time to die, Jackie.

Yeah.

It's hilarious, you're scared of a doll.

Get it away, so I can open my eyes.

Okay, it's gone.

Hi.

Oh, my God.

I'm on fire today.

Witch Day is corporately sponsored now?

Five for Witch Day please.

What are you talking about?

I want five tickets for Witch Day.

Oh, you mean American Liberty Bank presents Witch Day.

You'd have to ask for tickets to that.

Okay. Five tickets for

American Liberty Bank Witch Day.

Presents Witch Day.

American Liberty Bank presents Witch Day.

There ya go.

Have a spooky, good time.

American Liberty Bank takes no responsibility

for you having a spooky, good time.

All right, who's ready for some family Witch Day fun?

Me, me, me!

Oh, there's my friends. See ya.

Sup?

Okay, girls, if you're gonna scream or cry,

let me know, so I can take a video.

Now, we're talking. Scare the hell out of us.

I'm going to slash

your ATM fees in half.

Oh.

- I'm Freddie Mac. - I'm Fanny Mae.

both: And we want to finance your home forever

and ever and ever.

Can we just nap on a hay bale?

Hey, Mr. Mitch, nice cloak.

Thanks. It's my bathrobe.

I just pinned some stars and moons on it.

Step inside Mr. Mitch's midnight massacre,

a totally immersive terror experience.

No offense, but everything and everyone here sucks butt.

We're getting too old to be scared by Witch Day junk.

That's 'cause you haven't seen my junk.

Come on, guys.

Let's give his junk a chance.

I bet it's gross and scary.

Mia said something. Let's do it.

Cool. Enter if you scare.

Yeah, that's good.

Bark, bark. I vant to suck your blood.

Uh-oh, I think I see my man, Frankenstein.

Damn, that's just my gym sock.

Let's get out of here. It's a puppet show.

We're definitely too old for this.

Yeah, let's blow this totally immersive terror experience.

It's like an A24 movie.

Not scary, but maybe smart.

We're done here.

Banking with American Liberty is a no-brainer.

This is supposed to be

a festival of women being falsely persecuted

for crops going bad.

They've taken the magic out of it.

Ugh, I hate seeing our kids not scared to death.

Let's put on a Witch Day of our own at home.

Yeah, we don't need this corporate jive-fest.

DIY Witch Day.

Hey, wait up.

We want out of this babbu Witch Day too.

Hey, there's a $10 disappointment fee.

Gee, I wonder if when the girl splashes

cold water on her face, in the bathroom mirror

suddenly there'll be a killer behind her.

Yawn.

This movie is, like, "IT" with an S-H in front of it.

Yeah, maybe we are too old to be scared.

Hang on. My phone's on silent.

I've hacked your devices and gained access

to your most embarrassing personal videos.

Bring me $200 in untraceable Cheesecake Warehouse

gift cards by midnight

or I release the videos to everyone in your contacts.

And to prove it...

Hey, Beyoncé, Mia Abara here,

activist and also, hot.

Just wanted to show you this dance move I came up with.

Whoo.

Oh, God. Bey, no, no.

That's not part of the dance.

Turn it off. - Man!

For a vegan, you can really rip 'em.

The other videos are far worse.

Get the gift cards and await further instructions.

You heard that freak in the plague mask.

To the Cheesecake Warehouse.

Welcome to the Harris family Witch Day.

Presents Witch Day.

Some other little kids were here before you.

We dismembered them and filled these bowls

with their body parts. Feel their eyeballs.

I'm gonna ralph.

These are worms we pulled out of their stomachs.

Why did they eat so many worms?

We forced them to before we murdered them.

You're so good with kids, honey.

We're gonna set up the next scare.

Wait a minute. These ain't no freakin' worms.

There's spaghets and they're al dent.

Oh, my stars!

Kimberly, bring him back. I only have two friends.

I didn't do anything. Where did he go?

I'm in your freakin' wall.

There's ghosts up the wazoo in here and termites.

Oh, thank you, big guy.

And that's why you take communion.

What happened?

You got some gabba-ghouls in these walls.

I'm out of here. Let's go, B.

Take that, American Liberty Bank.

Excellent child scaring, honey.

Okay. A little late, but we'll take it.

Who dares disturb my eternal sleep?

all: Gabba-ghoul!

I told you not to disturb the dead.

Where's my good sage?

- On top of my toilet. - Never mind.

Oh, my God, she's horrifying.

Hello. I'm floating right here.

The ghost looks like you, Mommy.

- Huh? - Hmm?

Hmm. Hmm.

That's my great-great- great-great cousin Winifred,

the one whose tombstone we took.

I wonder if her being here is connected to that.

It's not-not connected.

How exciting to catch up with a dead cousin.

I don't talk to any of my living ones

'cause they're judgmental trash.

I got a million questions for you.

I'd be happy to answer them all for you over dinner.

I'll make a pot of my famous fox stew.

Be right back. Here, foxy.

Wow. This is gonna be fun, huh?

Mom, ghosts don't usually come back

to make dinner and have an AMA.

Trust me, she's got unfinished business.

I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent reason

her soul can't rest.

Now, go screw the plastic wine glasses together.

I don't want to have dinner with her.

She smells like a thousand dead birds.

Yes, we can all smell her,

but she's family and you'll be there.

That fox sounded really old, right?

Wow, standing in line is 2,500 calories.

All right, y'all, let's hear it.

What's the worst video you got?

Mine was me squatting over my phone with no pants on

for medical reasons. Bex?

I was rapping along to Soulja Boy's album.

Every, single word.

- What? - Whoa.

Yikes. Wolf?

Why are boys always squattin' over phones?

All right, Duncan, you're the only one left.

No way. It's way worse than any of yours.

- Worse than this? - Ah. Stop, Wolf.

Welcome to Cheesecake Warehouse.

Five for dinner? - God, no.

We need $200 in gift cards.

Ooh, being blackmailed by a psycho?

That's most of our business.

Now, what do we do?

I sent a car that will bring you to me.

What kind of music would you prefer?

Soulja Boy.

all: No.

Hello. Are you--

hold on, let me check my phone--

victims?

We gotta take the chance.

I don't want my video getting out.

And he does have a 4.8.

Ooh, little water bottles.

Mm, mm, mm.

This fox stew is amazing.

So much better than Cheesecake Warehouse fox.

So, Cousin Winnie,

tell me all about your life in olden times.

Were you a career gal? - Oh, yes.

I placed notices from the constables

on carriages that were parked too long.

We're parking enforcement sisters.

Whoo!

That was cold

and I had a vision of my death.

You've crafted a fine home for your family, Jack.

Oh, I didn't build it, but I did help find the realtor.

have you ever considered growing muttonchops?

They'd be quite becoming on you.

I really wanted to but Annie said no.

You know, Winifred, we can buy butter in stores now.

I'll take you later in our automobile.

Ooh, that would be lovely.

Jack, can you escort me? Hmm.

Is the dead chick hitting on dad?

Dead, smelly chick.

She's a ghost, girls. Don't be silly.

Ooh, hold the fox's fur up to your cheeks.

Very strapping.

Your jaw is strong like a magistrates.

A magistrate? Ooh.

Hmm?

"No cell service"?

How do people call for help if they need it?

all: Oh.

Just 'cause a town has a scary name

doesn't mean it's evil.

Okay, a gas station that does not sell premium.

We are gonna die.

Been driving two days straight.

Need an energy drink.

Monster?

No. Why would you say that?

I'll take a beverage and if they have peanut M&M's...

Okay, we need a plan in case this guy tries to kill us.

I say, hide behind Mia.

She's got major "Final Girl" energy.

- What about me? - You the clown.

The fact that you're still alive is a miracle.

Hey, guys, he's not buying an energy drink.

He's got a shovel, duct tape, and a plastic tarp.

No peanut M&M's? I know he heard me.

Wait, he just grabbed the energy drink.

And he's bashing the cashier to death with it.

I'm calling the Bloodville police.

No cell service!

Here he comes. Run for it.

Hey, your M&M's!

- Oh, sweet. - Duncan, no.

How does he know where we are?

Hey, guys, hope you don't think this bit is too corny.

Oh.

Oh, they were right. The clown dies first.

Don't die for a pun, Bex.

- Whoo-hoo. - ♪ Get out the way ♪

♪ Old Dan Tucker, you're too late to get your supper ♪

Don't tell the pastor I'm jigging so shamelessly.

Oh, it feels good.

Hurry up, Kimberly.

Tell me what my cousin is doing here.

That fox is going right through me.

Okay, here it is.

Winifred had a beau named Jackariah Harrisburg.

He was dad's

great-great-great-great-great cousin.

Here's a link to a drawing. - Daddy.

No wonder she was hot for chops.

That shady, stinky lady.

Jackariah stood her up on her wedding day

and she was never the same.

She was committed to The Home For Upset Women

because "the devil got her brain".

What did I tell you, Mom?

Her unfinished business is getting up in dad's business.

That's it. Get your sage.

I'm sending this bitch back to 1693.

This smelly bitch.

Okay, Jing, once she's gone, you're back to no cursing.

Damn.

The jig is up, Winifred.

Get your dead, filthy hands off my husband.

My chops!

Mind your own business, cousin.

Jack, this ghostly trollop is trying to steal you from me.

Dad, you look exactly like your cousin, Jackariah,

the man who left her at the altar.

My God, I really would look good in muttonchops.

Like Wolverine. So hot.

Jack, I'm taking you to the spirit realm

where we can spend eternity.

I'm gonna jig your brains out.

I don't think so, cuz.

Kimberly, toilet sage her back to hell.

I banish thee back to the afterlife.

Wow. She really had me under some kind of spell.

That's the only possible explanation

for me being so into it, right? Right?

What a Witch Day.

Okay, I'm gonna take my bra off and drink wine.

I will not be abandoned a second time.

That's Winifred!

Whatever Dad did in that bathroom ruined my sage.

Why do we keep that damn doll?

I'm dragging you to hell, Jack.

Sorry about me going bananas in your house.

Hope these cannolis will--

Help me, Little Joey!

You are not dragging my husband to the afterlife.

We have parent-teacher conferences next week.

You can have his carcass.

I just need his soul.

Back in my day, this is how we said "hello."

I'm not gonna let some Cabbage Patch Kid

kill my husband.

Then you and all your children will be cursed.

Your tongues will become snakes,

jump down your throats, and eat your intestines.

We'll miss you, Dad.

Wait, don't curse anyone.

I'll come with you. Just let me say goodbye.

- Jack, no! - I'll make it work.

The kids can visit me in the afterlife

every other weekend.

Sex is gonna be painful and scary,

but I'll get used to it.

You're accepting this way too easy.

We can hide in there.

No way. There's probably old guys walking around

in gowns with their butts out.

Or we can die out here.

Yeah, you could die out here.

I'm rolling with "Final Girl",

but I will not be the dude who sacrifices himself

to buy you some extra time.

Meddling kids.

Down here.

Yikes.

The basement of an insane asylum.

Well, I'm crappin' my pants.

You'll explain to Duncan that the creepy doll

possessed by your ancestor's ghost

dragged me to the afterlife? - Of course.

So how would you like to die, Jack?

Well, I've given that a lot of thought.

Heroin is pretty rock 'n' roll,

but a feel a little weird OD'ing in front of my kids.

So will you shoot me while I eat a quesadilla?

Ooh, whatever my man wants.

Please let me make the quesadilla.

I know how much butter he likes.

A lot. - Pull it together, Mom.

I'm gonna try a spell to summon Jackariah,

so Winifred will go back with him.

Jackariah Harris, I summon you

to fetch Winifred, your bride.

all: Huh?

Well, that was a big nothing.

It didn't work again. You're bad at magic.

Oink, meow to ye.

all: Huh.

Mr. Mitch, you've gotta help us.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I'm gonna die.

Give plague mask the gift cards.

That's the only way to stop it.

I dropped them in the corn field.

How much time before the buzz saw tears your face off?

Ten seconds.

That's cutting it close. Get it?

How am I not dead yet?

Stop. Don't kill him.

There I just sent my embarrassing video

to all my contacts.

Will you at least accept that?

Oh, sure. Now, there's cell service.

Hey, Mia, it's me, Duncan, from high school

and, like, hanging out. Um, the first time I saw you,

I felt like I had to pee, but I didn't.

Oh, that blows. Start over. Okay.

Hey, Mia, me go movies with you?

Mom wants your dirty underwear.

Get out!

Aw.

Damn, you made my squat video look good.

Yeah, Duncan, you should've waited another couple seconds.

Happy Witch Day.

I hope you enjoyed Mr. Mitch's Midnight Massacre,

a totally immersive terror experience.

Exit to your left.

all: Huh?

For once in my life, I'm confused.

Everything that happened tonight

was a part of my scary attraction.

That's the back of my booth right there.

Wait. What about plague mask?

That was just Mavis wearing a mask filled with peanut butter.

And that creepy Uber driver?

Oh, that's Gerald Perry, the school drama teacher.

Get in here, Gerald.

The world is a stage.

You were never in danger.

Nobody hacked your phones.

But you leaked Mia's video.

We saw her rip one.

Actually, that video was a fake.

I helped Mr. Mitch put this all together

because you guys said you were too old to be scared.

Gotcha. - Oh, yeah.

Uh, my video was fake too. Gotcha.

I hope I didn't traumatize you too bad

with all the thinking you were gonna die and whatnot.

Are you kidding me? We'll need therapy for years

and that, my friend, is entertainment.

- Can we do it again? - Give me a minute.

This immersive experience is a bitch to reset.

Places.

Too bad that video was a fake, Duncan.

I might've gone to a movie with you.

It was real.

My underwear was filthy. Ask Kimberly.

I mean, uh, me love go movie sometime.

I am Jackariah Harrisburg,

war hero and vigorous lover.

Who disturbs my eternal rest?

And why do I have a little, curly pig tail?

'Cause she's bad at magic.

Look, Winifred, Jackariah came back for you.

Jackariah, is it really you?

Yes, 'tis me.

I've been searching the spirit realm to tell you

I didn't stand you up at our wedding.

I was working overtime at the mill when it collapsed.

I was saving up to buy you a goat.

Oh, Jackariah.

But my neck was snapped by a big, old bag of flour.

I have loved only you

and waited centuries for us to be together.

Are you ready for some vigorous loving as my eternal wife?

Nah. I have a new beau.

Jack Harris, hunter of realtors.

Hi.

A new beau?

Did you jig for him?

Hey, did she jig for you? Did you jig my wife?

I don't think--

I don't even-- - 'Tis a simple question!

Did you jig my wife?

Enough hocus pocus.

Let's do this 21st century style and kick some ass.

Whoo.

Yeah. Always put away your toys.

- Oh, what's going on? - Let me go.

Let us out of here.

Oh, thank God.

I can still feel her slimy tongue in my ear.

Okay, somebody remind me they're up there

when we get the Christmas decorations.

Nobody, dead or alive, licks my man.

Jig for me, baby.

Of all the things I saw today,

this is what I'll have nightmares about.

♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Throw a pine cone on the fire ♪

Jack, I'm gonna go up to the attic

to get the Christmas decorations.

Okay, have fun.

Hi-ya.

Jack, I told you to remind me.

- About what? - We're free!

Suck out their souls for energy.

On it.

Hey, my mom baked Christmas cookies.

Baby Jesus!

Ho, ho, ho.

Happy Witch Day, everyone.