All language subtitles for Clerks III (2022)

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Yes!

Fuck you!
Somebody get over here.

Back up! Back up!

All right. Spread out. Ready?

Whoo!

Uh, uh, uh.

Excuse me.

Yo, is anybody working or, uh...

You know what you want or what?

Yeah. Can I get three
snoogans prerolls?

$100 even.

Right.

Can you...

Keep it down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What 'cha looking at, man?

That's how we did it
in the '90s, son!

Wait. Wait,
wait, wait.

Your whistling is
affecting your carrying.

Pretty nifty planning.

The fuck?

Oh, uh... well,
'cause, um,

nifty is slang for nft,

which is a non-fungible
token in our world.

"Our world"?

Oh, my god, I knew it.

You belong to one of
these religious death cults

where they all wear
sneakers to bed

before they kill themselves.

For the last time, randal,

I'm not in a
religious death cult.

Block chain Coltrane
and I are co-founders

of the Christian crypto club.

This is either a lord
of the rings thing

or a Jesus thing.
Hmm.

Block chain says that
Jesus saves souls,

but we buy souls, it's...

It's pretty clever wordplay

because the phantasma
chain's cryptocurrency unit

is called the soul, so...

It's...

You are killing me
this morning, you nut.

Oh, shit,

I think I get it now.

Get what?
Nfts and crypto?

No, not that
beanie baby bullshit.

Talking about this pair of puds.

Looks like Elias has
got his own silent Bob.

Oh, this is quite a hand job.

What?

Jesus, these gen z
kids are fucked.

Oh, what a surprise.

Randal has taken the lord's
name in vain again, Mr. Dante.

Please stop calling me
Mr. Dante.

You're 36-years-old.

And not for nothing,

but how's it taking
the lord's name in vain

if I don't pray
to your Christian god?

If you don't pray to god,
then who do you pray to?

When I'm at my lowest,
I always pray to crom.

Who's crom?

That's con an
the barbarian's god.

You know what, randal?

I really wish you
didn't worship all your

false comic book idols
and satanic superheroes.

Batman, the avengers,
wonder woman, aoc.

Come on, man,
give crom a chance.

He may not be all woke
and shit like Jesus,

but homeboy's pretty
metal for a deity.

Well, joke's on you, randal,
because there's only one god.

Yeah. What about Thor?
Thor's a god.

Thor is a fictional character
who flies through outer space.

So is your god.

Mr. Dante.

His god is the living
Christ, randal.

His god is the living dead

with all that goth-y shit like,

drink my blood. That's
fucking vampire talk.

Mr. Dante!
Oh, no.

My name is foo-foo and
this is between you two.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, freeze.

What the fuck are these?

Kites.
No shit.

But what are they doing here?

I thought we could sell them.

Are you serious? Who
the fuck flies kites anymore?

Lots of people.

Kids today love flying
kites. Kites are cool.

What century is
this, Ben Franklin,

and what kind of kid
in this day and age

would be remotely interested

in buying or flying
a fucking kite?

Did you see they have
Jesus on them?

Oh, well, all the
kids love Jesus.

Who in their right
mind is gonna buy

one of your creepy Christ kites?

I would.

You did, like, 30 times.

Maybe we can sell some online.

Online?

The only way anyone
on the Internet

would care about
this old-timey bullshit

is if you shot a
tiktok trying to jam

one of those Jesus kites
up your Christian dick hole.

Asshole.
Thank you.

You know what, randal? I
don't think there's anything

particularly "metal"
about blasphemy.

Shah, blasphemy and
biting off a bat's head

are as metal as it gets.

There were two men who
were crucified with Jesus, randal.

Holy fuck.

A good thief and a bad thief.

If they were caught, I'd say

that makes them both
bad thieves.

The bad thief said,

"if you are really
the son of god,

"get us down from here
and save us."

So why is this guy
called "the bad thief"?

Call him "the practical thief
with common fucking sense."

Ah. But the good
thief said,

"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are but thieves."

What the fuck are butt thieves?

Uh, well, then
the good thief said,

"Jesus, remember me
in your kingdom."

And Jesus said
to the good thief,

"today, you shall be
with me in paradise."

And paradise is a strip club.

It's not a strip club, randal.

It's heaven.

So the moral of your
never ending story is,

even in heaven, it's
all about who you know.

The moral of the story

is if you didn't go to
heaven as a guest of Jesus,

like the good thief,

where did the bad
thief go, randal?

Not that I wanna
prolong your sermon,

but how is it blasphemy
to remind a guy

he's the son of god?

Maybe the bad thief thought

Jesus had a bourne
identity thing going on,

like Jesus fell off a boat,

hit his head and caught amnesia.

He was born in a manger.

Now he's bourne again.

Matt Damon is Jesus bourne in...

The bourne nativity.

Heavenly father, I beseech thee,

please smite
this braying heretic.

Oh.

Are you okay?

No, something's wrong, I...
I can't catch my breath.

Stop teasing me.

I'm not teasing, I...

I can't catch my breath, man.

Really? Should I try
mouth stuff?

What is this, a tinder
date? Get off of me.

You said you can't breathe.

I can breathe. I just...

I can't catch my breath.

What are you doing
with your arm?

I'm trying to breathe.

You're really sweating, randal.

It's hot in here, man.

Can we open the door?
I got to...

Mr. Dante!

Oh, shit!

I need an ambulance
at the quick stop.

Dr. Ladenheim,

report to the er.

Dr. Ladenheim...

You had to call an
ambulance, didn't you?

I just ate too much
fuckin' mooby's, that's all.

Well, if you know what's wrong,

then I guess I can go home.

Are you the doctor?

I'm the doctor.

Dr. Ladenheim, I'll be
your savior this evening.

What in the fuck?

I apologize for my wardrobe.

I just came from a costume ball.

Listen, doc,
I'm okay. I just...

I can't catch my breath is all.

On a scale of one to ten,

how bad would you say
your pain level is?

My pain level?

Like a negative three.

Well, you're doing it all wrong.

You're supposed to be
in a lot of pain

when you have a heart attack.

Wait a minute.
I had a heart attack?

No, that's not what I said.

You misunderstood me.
Oh, thank Christ.

You're having a heart attack

right now as we speak,

a massive one, so we
have to act pretty quickly.

I just wish I wasn't
so hung over.

I'm kidding.

I'm gonna go get all glammed up

for our big date and
I'll see you in the or.

Look at me.
Uh-huh.

Everything's gonna
be fine, all right?

Good. All right.

He's not gonna make it.

Jesus, could someone
page the good witch?

What's next, a fucking munchkin?

Shave and a haircut two bits.

Shave and a haircut two bits.

I see
that you met Dr. Ladenheim.

And she wants me to
prep you for surgery.

Surgery? No. The doctor
just said I'm going to the or.

Right! Which is short
for operating room

where they do... Ding,
ding, ding, surgery!

She gotta get into your heart.

Uh, is the doctor gonna
crack his chest open?

Fuck.
No, no, no.

She's gonna thread a camera
through his femoral artery

up to his ticker through
a very small incision.

Where does
she make this incision?

In the groin.

The groin?
Come on.

So I gotta shave you.

Or I get to shave you,

depending on how much you
love your job and I love mine.

So, as the wife says at
10:00 P.M. after dateline,

every single week,

take off your pants.

I gotta shave your groin,
sir, so underwear too.

First, can we
establish geography?

Like, where is the groin to you?

Where's the groin to me?

What is this,
a metaphysical question?

We're running out of
time here to save your life.

So come on, let's go.

Can you avert your
eyes, block your ears

and sing something, please?

Oh, for god sakes. What
do you want me to sing?

Not you, him.
Oh, right.

All right, here's the deal,

nurse Jackie.

Mmm.

I got a really small dick, okay?

I promise you, it's
nothing I've not seen before

because I work in pediatrics.

If I take off my underwear,

everyone in the er is
gonna see my little dick

including my friend here,

who thinks I got a giant cock
'cause I've been lying to him

about it since we were 12.

Is this a long fable, aesop?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do,

give you a little
more privacy...

There you go.
Oh, thanks for that.

Unfortunately, this is
as far as you can go

but we do have a waiting
room that's right down this hall.

I'll be right here
when you get out, man.

You got this.

We've got a female with multiple

c-spine complications,
internal bleeding

and multiple lacerations.

Blood pressure,
100 over seven...

We're
losing her. Starting cpr.

Why has he still

got his underpants on?

How am I supposed to
get to his femoral artery

if he's wearing squeezies?

I told him,

but he's got some
body shame issues.

Look, doc,

I got a really small dick.

I'm trying to save your life

and you're worried
about your little dick?

We don't have time for this.

Whoa!

This is all my fault.

No, it is not, Elias.

I prayed to god to smite randal

so Jesus attacked his
heart at my command.

Randal's mother
had heart trouble, too.

No, I gotta
make Jesus reverse this.

Pray with me,
Mr. Dante.

Oh, my sweet savior,
hear your gentle servant.

Spare the heretic
I damned in jest.

Remember the words
of the good thief.

Jesus did no wrong,

whereas we are but thieves.

A-ha.
What's up, doc?

I can tell by your
very subtle tattoo

that you're a superhero fan,

so you might appreciate this.

Uh-huh.
You know,

they have a name for the type

of heart attack you're
having right now.

Really? Okay.

They call it the widow-maker.

Now, doesn't that
sound like some bad guy

that ranger danger has to fight?

Why do they call it
the widow-maker?

Because in 80% of the cases

when there's 100% occlusion
like what you have now?

Hands down, patient
always dies, always.

Oh, fuck.

But don't worry, you're
gonna be in the 20%

because keeping you
alive is good for my brand.

Now, if you excuse me,

I'm gonna go fool around
in your little crotch

and I'm gonna make
a little magic,

but I could use all the
help that we can get.

So, if you remember any prayers

from when you were a kid,

now would be a terrific
time to dust those off.

Are you there, crom?

It's me, randal.

Please don't let me die.

He won't answer me.

After all this time...

Devoting my life to god.

Jesus has abandoned
all of us at quick stop.

I think Jesus was always
more of a wawa guy.

Yeah, well,
you know what I think?

I think I wasted my
life believing in bullshit.

I've been conned.

Fairy tales, faith
and pledging fealty

to a fictional fucking
phantom. And for what?

In my darkest hour
when I need him most,

the lord totally ghosts me.

Well, to hell with all
that made up Jesus jive.

Save randal this night,

and I will swear my soul to you,

oh, sweet Satan.

Satan? Oh,
buddy, no.

I mean, isn't he kind of like
the optimus prime of evil?

You don't have to
condescend to me.

You can just say Megatron.

I'm kind of
a transformers virgin.

Well,

I'm an actual virgin,

so I know Satan's
gonna want my soul.

For what?
Evil.

And butt sex probably.

Do you have any lube?
Are you...

No!

I don't deserve lube!

Take me, Satan!

Jesus! Pull up
your pants.

Make me your concubine! Jesus...

Pull up your pants.
No, stop it.

I have to fuck Satan.

And that's when, I shit you not,

Luke fuckin' Skywalker shows up.

Uh-huh.
And I'm talking about

the young, fuckable Luke
from return of the jedi,

not the gran Torino,
"get off my lawn"

- Luke from the last jedi.
- Okay.

Quick heart update,
Mr. Graves.

Uh-huh.
During your thorough

retelling of
the star wars show...

The Mandalorian, season two.

I was able to get
the stent in place.

So this is where
I need your help now.

I'm gonna open this stent
and all you have to do

is tell me when you feel

the pressure lets up.
All right?

Let's do this, mcdreamy.

"This is the way."

The way to what?

Oh, that's a saying
from the Mandalorian.

Huh?
The star wars show.

Okay, listen,
we need to hit pause

on all your pop culture
references for a minute

just until we open
the stent on three.

One, two, three!

Oh!

Holy shit, I can
fucking breathe again.

Does this mean
I'm gonna live now?

Yes, because
I'm an amazing doctor.

You're a better doctor
than doctor strange

and doctor zaius
combined. Doctor who?

Oh, no, I don't watch that show,

but I might start now
because I'm fucking alive.

"Mazel tov!"
As the Chinese say.

Thank you, doctor.

Thank you for saving my life.

You're like the Batman of
heart surgery.

Yeah?

With great power

comes great responsibility.

What the fuck was that?

- You're alive!
- You're alive!

Are you okay? If that
was a heart attack,

I'll take another one. That
shit was easy.

Okay, you must be on
a lot of drugs right now.

No, they didn't give
me nothing in there.

I had to do the
whole thing sober.

He's high as a kite on fentanyl.

Kite imagery, very cool.

See, randal,
kites are in the air.

Stop with the fucking kites.

One
more thing, Mr. Graves,

since you were really
preoccupied about it,

so much so that you
wasted time and nearly died,

your penis is not that small.

It's not that big,
but it's not that small.

That's the
best news I heard all day.

Is he gonna be okay?

How do I help?

Well, if you care about him,

you'll jam a vegetable
down his throat.

The guy's got more cholesterol
in his arteries than blood.

Got it. From now on, I'm
only gonna order him food

off the vegan menu at mooby's.

Him and you.
Me?

If you're around his age

and eat the same diet
as your friend,

you might wanna get
your heart checked out, too.

Will do.

But here's something
I want you to keep

an eye out for
as regards to randal.

Okay.

Middle-aged men tend to
go through a depression

after they've had
a heart attack.

Now your friend might sound
or act differently now because

he's come face to face
with his own mortality.

So, for the next few months,

do whatever you can do

to help randal
keep his spirits up.

All right?

Now, my bill is in the mail.

Judgy.

I brought you a hat.

Yeah. Thanks.

I can't believe
you're still awake

after the day
you've been through.

Yeah, I can't sleep.

There was only a 20% chance

I was gonna make it out
of that or alive tonight.

Hmm. Is that right?

I mean, I figure I got
a 50-50 chance of dying

any time I leave my apartment.

But today,

there was an 80% chance
everything for me

was just gonna stop.

There was an 80% chance

you and I were never gonna
talk about star wars again.

There was an 80% chance

I would never know
for a medical fact,

I got a normal-sized dick.

You always said it was huge.

I was gonna miss a lot of shit

if you didn't call
that ambulance today.

You saved my life, man.

Oh.

I wish I had a life
worth fucking saving.

Come on, man.

What are you talking about?

When I was lying there,

wondering if I was gonna die,

I saw the whole movie of
my life flash before my eyes.

You know what?

It sucked.

I always thought, hoped...

That my life was building
towards something.

Turns out it was
just the hospital.

What are you talking about?

We built our own business.

So I co-own a
convenience store. Big deal.

I never went anywhere
outside of Jersey.

I never fell in love like you.

If I'd have
dropped dead tonight,

only you and Elias would
remember I even existed.

I mean, look at me,
man, I'm almost 50.

I sit around and watch the same

stupid movies over and over.

The fuck is wrong with me?

I don't know.

You know so much
about all that stuff.

I always thought you could
have made a cool movie.

Holy shit.

You're right.

I could make
a pretty cool movie.

I've been watching
movies all my life,

I've seen all these
people tell their stories

and never once thought
about trying to tell mine.

Well, fuck that, man.

Since I almost died tonight,

now I know I'm living
on borrowed time.

So, no more watching movies

because when
I get out of here...

I'm gonna make a movie!

A movie?

Don't you have to go to
film school or something?

It's like 75 g's a year
to go to nyu film school.

And you know what those
kids pay all that money for?

I don't know.
To watch movies.

I worked in a video
store for 20 years

where I sat around and
watched movies all day, too.

So basically, I went
to my own film school.

Just because you've seen
every movie ever made,

doesn't mean you can make
any kind of movie at all.

Tell that to Quentin Tarantino.

Oh, now you're
Quentin Tarantino?

I'm not saying I'm gonna
make a movie as good as him,

but I'm not good at sex either,

and that doesn't stop me
from trying to get laid.

You wanna shoot a movie here,

at the quick stop?

Yeah, I've seen convenience
stores in flicks before,

but I've never seen
an entire flick

set in a convenience store.

Because who would
wanna watch that?

I mean, it's my life and
I barely wanna live it.

This movie's meant
to memorialize my life.

And since I spent the last

30 years of my life
working here...

Oh. Working?

I got plenty of
convenience stories

to put into a screenplay.

Convenience stories.
Good title.

Well, what kind of
convenience stories

are we talking about here?

Remember the time we went to

Julie dwyer's funeral and
you knocked the casket over?

You knocked the casket over.

I did?

Well, that's a scene now.

Or how about the time
the old guy was jerking off

in the bathroom
and dropped dead?

That's totally a scene, man.

I mean, all the shit
you and I have said

sitting at this counter,

these are all scenes now, man.

How about the time you
burned the store down?

Is that gonna be a scene?

I'm still pretty sure
terrorists did that.

Uh-huh.

Hey, hey!

Motley crew neck.

Anyone in your
Christian crypto club

got a non-crypto camera
we can borrow?

It's called the crimson
crypto club now.

Our first drops gonna
be all crypto kites.

Oh, put that shit
away, elon muskrat.

What do you guys
need a camera for?

Mmm. Randal
wants to make a movie.

Ooh, like a pornography movie?

No, like a movie-movie,

one with actors and a screenplay

and crafty.

What's crafty?

That's where the,
uh, crew hangs out

and practices witchcraft,

you little devil worship per.

Cool.

Crafty is where you
find all the food on set.

But if you're shooting in here,

I guess the whole
store's crafty.

What's the movie gonna be about?

Mmm, it's gonna be
about an hour and a half.

I hate long movies.

It's about him working here.
- Wow.

Meta. Never seen
a whole movie

set in a convenience
store before.

Right? Thank you.

I'm gonna fill the script
with all the weird shit

me and Dante have ever said

or seen around here

over the years.
Oh.

You should put in that
stuff you used to say

about the death star
contractors.

Get sued
by Disney? Fuck that.

Besides, I don't want
this movie to be about

other movies. I want
it to be about me.

It's my flick,
so I wanna write about

the things that I do.

Like, um, like how we
play hockey on the rooftop.

I've never seen that done
in a movie or a TV show,

even though it's
just fucking practical.

Remember that fight

where I hit you in the
face with the bread?

Ooh, that could be a scene.

Or the time I spit
water on that old guy?

That's, like, the
fucking opening scene.

Ooh, I got an idea.

Maybe Jay and silent
Bob could be characters.

That is the dumbest
idea I've ever heard.

Well, you're still gonna have

to get them involved
if you wanna set

any of the scenes
in your old video store.

All right. Watch
the register, dawg.

We got to go talk to
the Warner brothers.

What the fuck, man?
We heard you died.

Almost.
What happened

is I was taking a shit
in the high grass

when a rattlesnake came up

and bit me right on the asshole.

But like the good friend he is,

Dante sucked the poison out.

See? It happened
to them, too, man.

Well, listen, when we
thought you were dead, man,

I felt really, really bad

'cause in all the time
I've been hanging out

in front of this
store and stuff,

I forgot to give you something.

Dental school?

Me and veggie dick
rented that shit in 1994,

but we never watched it

'cause we didn't have a VCR.

But now, you can
put it on the shelf

in the video store.
Oh, yeah.

Uh, the video store
closed ten years ago.

It did?

This was the video store.

Oh, yeah, I'm getting senile

and shit right there, you know?

So listen, how much
we owe you for late fees?

Uh, well, let's
see, a dollar a day for what,

26, 28 years?

That's, like,
approximately... $10,220.

Oh, didn't rewind.

$10,220 and 50 cents.

You take crypto?

You guys got crypto?

No.

If you never watched it,

why was it not rewound? Yeah.

Hey, asshole, I said
we didn't have a VCR.

We watched it. We
held it up to the light.

Fucking luddite.

Listen, we'll squash
your giant late fees

on the 28-year-old copy
of dental school

if you let us shoot
a movie in here.

Ooh, a pornography movie?

No, it's not a porno movie.

Sex sells, son,
and I'm always buying

'cause I am the clit commander!

Snootchie bootchies.

Goodnight.

Thirty-seven?

That's not a scene, randal.

Stop writing it right now.

Thirty-seven cannot go
in your movie.

Shut the
fuck up. It's nighttime!

"In convenience"?

It's the story of my life.

Hundred and sixty-eight
pages full of dick jokes,

set in a convenience store,

written in one night.

Maybe don't tell
people that last part.

I thought, you were gonna
call it "convenience stories."

Yeah, that shit
sounded too precious.

What am I, Wes Anderson?

Not based on this script.

"There is only one return

"and it ain't of the
king, it's of the jedi."

- Hmm.
- Hey.

You said that same
thing about return

the day that guy
threw up in mooby's

and you made me clean it.
- Yeah.

Everything in the
script is something

either me or someone
I know said,

I just made up new names.

What am I, some kind of writer?

Ah, yes.

Block chain would
like to understand

why the two girls are
into this "Dan-t" character

when the Randy
character is much funnier.

Randy has been asking himself

the same question
his whole life.

What's wrong with Dan-t?

Read his first scene on page 37.

Are you kidding me?

I'm in this convenience
store way more than you,

but I don't come into your

convenience store
movie 'til page 37?

I had a lot of exposition to do.

"Enter Dan-t.

"A hideous fuckin' chud
of a man." What the fuck?

Well, maybe Dan-t's not you.

Do you ever think of that?

"Dan-t's hideous
fuckin' chud of a beard

"doesn't suggest Tony stark
so much as a male crack whore

"who is cosplaying
as Tony stark."

That's just in the
screen direction.

Nobody actually calls Dan-t

"a hideous fuckin'
chud." To his face.

I can't believe you made me

sign a non-disclosure agreement,

only to read that I'm not even

one of the main characters
in the story of your life.

I mean, I knew
I was never the Luke,

but I thought I was
at least the han.

Oh, come on, I'm the han

and the Luke, right?

Then who am I, the Chewie?

I think Elias is more
the Chewie, no?

Unless this is empire
then I'm the lando

and he's the lobot.

I'm not even the lobot?

Which one's lobot?

He's the one with the
headphones who looks like

a dad who's trying to be a dj.

The bald fucker from be spin

who never says
nothing the whole movie.

Wouldn't that make
silent Bob the lobot?

No. Jay and silent Bob are
clearly the C-3PO and r2-d2.

I mean, they've been
here since the first movie,

which was the last
time they were cool,

but they've been with
the franchise so long

they still give them cameos

and put them on the lunchboxes.

So if I'm not Luke,
han, Chewie, lando,

the droids or the lobot,

then who the fuck
am I in your star wars,

Princess fucking Leia? No.

You're the dak.

Who the fuck is dak?

He's Luke Skywalker's
tail gunner

in the battle of hoth.

You know, the guy who's ready

to take on the whole
empire himself

until the empire kills
the shit out of him?

Did dak even
get an action figure?

Not in the classic
kenner line, no.

Because?

Because he was deemed
unimportant to the story.

But that's just bullshit, man.

Without dak, Luke
could have never...

Like, dak was the only
guy that's, like, uh...

I mean, dak was plucky
as shit, man, just like you.

Uh, I have a question
about the script.

Great, more fuckin' notes.

- Go ahead.
- Yes.

Uh, I have a problem
with the friar fuck character,

who, I believe,
is supposed to be me.

Friar fuck, uh, loves Jesus,

uh, to what appears to
be an unhealthy degree.

And?

And Elias is a born
again satanist.

Because it was Satan
who saved you

when my prayers fell
on the deaf ears of Jesus,

the giant jerk off.

All right, listen
up, friar fuck.

I get that you just broke up

with your boyfriend
Jesus recently,

and clearly you're going
through some couture

and cosmetic stuff
because of it.

But for the first 36
years of your life,

you were into Jesus
to an unhealthy degree,

and that's the Elias
that I based friar fuck on.

Then this script
is based on lies.

Welcome to the movie biz.

There's no truth in this art!

Jesus.

Everyone's a critic.

So, what do we do next?

What are you asking dak for?

Well, I can't do this alone.
I need a producer.

That's your job.
Me?

What do I know about producing?

Come on. I'm already
writing and directing.

I can't do everything, man.

All right. What does
a producer do?

Just build us a schedule,
keep us under budget,

secure a dp,
and most importantly,

find us financing.

What, I gotta get money, too?

How much are we
talking about here?

Mmm, 25 grand.

$25,000?

Well, technically, it's $27,575

but it would be way more
if we were in Canada.

Where the fuck
am I supposed to find

that kind of money from?

We can find that kind of cash.

What? How?

We launch our crypto
kite nfts next month.

So the crimson crypto club

could have a lot
of money to invest

if the crypto kites fly.

Again with the fucking kites.

Guys, we need real loot
to make a real movie,

not your make pretend
matrix money,

you fuckin' kite fucker.

I'm sick and tired of the kite
killing attitude around here.

Anyway, back to the budget.

What if we took out a
loan against the store?

A loan?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why don't we just

slow down a minute
and think about this first?

Slow down?
I almost died, man.

It doesn't get
any slower than that.

I'm not getting all
"Dante" about this.

Uh, what's that
supposed to mean?

You're the guy
who can never decide

whether to shit
or get off the pot.

Well, I don't have
time for that anymore.

From now on,
I'm gonna shit bricks

or what's the point
of being here?

So, come on, man,

get behind me
when I shit for once.

So I can what, wipe your ass?

You know, I don't wanna get
all "Dante" about this,

but find someone else
to take your shit.

Well, well, well, here he is.

The escape artist.

I sit on your grave.

Didn't we have
that movie at the video store?

I spit on your grave.

Hicks, you spit on
my grave in a dream,

you better wake up
and apologize.

Ah...

So this is a dream.
Uh, if it is,

then you need to learn
to dream bigger.

I mean, really,

this is the best
that you can do?

A cemetery?

You can't dream us into sex...

On the beach...

In Hawaii?

Like you'd wanna
have sex with me now.

I'm an old man.

I'll have you know
that being dead only

increases your sex drive.

The dead live to fuck.

So you have sex
in the afterlife?

Hell's yeah.

There's nothing to do
in heaven except fuck.

That's what makes it heaven.

I can't believe my wife's
having sex with dead people.

Famous dead people.

I'm on the celebrity
circuit now.

Bullshit. Name one famous
person you fucked in heaven.

One. Okay.

I have knocked boots with
the ghost of Cleopatra, sir.

Oh.
And miles Davis

and Frederick
douglass, together.

George Washington...
What?

Carver.
Oh.

You know how much
I love peanut butter.

True.
Who else?

Um, Carl sagan.

Oh!
A real thinker.

Um...

Malcolm X.

Malcolm triple x.
Oh, settle down.

And I'm sure you're letting
them all go ass to mouth.

Uh, yeah, they're famous.

You think I want
this, don't you?

You carrying the torch for me?

I told you how I feel
about romantic love, Hicks.

Oh, I remember.

You were very convincing. Mmm.

Right up until the day
I proposed.

We only knew each other
for, like, 15 minutes.

You've been mourning me
for, like, 15 years.

So what do you want me to do?

You want me to just
forget about you?

You were all
I ever dreamed about.

Both of you.

Now...

God, I'm so alone.

I know.

I know losing me and grace...

Broke you.

But you don't know
how lucky you have it.

What?

The book of life is
closed for the two of us.

But you... can still
turn a page.

You get to keep writing
the story of your life.

Why bother without you?

Because there are
more tales to tell, Hicks.

As long as you're alive,

you can always
start another chapter.

So live while you can,
love while you can.

God damn it.

Dream bigger.

That all sounds pretty romantic

coming from a girl who
doesn't believe in romantic love.

I don't believe
in romantic love.

That's my girl.

But I do believe in you.

Hey, I wanna thank you
guys for having me here today.

I've always wanted
to be an actor.

Nice.

I'm not even supposed
to be here today!

I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

I'm not even supposed to
be here today.

I'm not even
supposed to be here today.

I'm not even supposed

to fucking be here
to fucking day, fucks.

Oh, shit! I thought
that was the police.

I'm not even supposed
to be here.

By the power of grayskull,

I am not supposed
to be here today!

Hey, I'm Joe.

Uh, I'm 45-years-old,
recently divorced,

and I figured I'd give
this shit a go. Uh...

I am not even supposed
to be here today.

Damn right.

Uh...

Lion face.

Lemon face.

I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

Um...
A little about me.

I'm known professionally
as Boston John.

That's a nom de plume.

Uh, Robert De Niro is
my fuckin'... Lone star.

You know what I'm saying?
Close your eyes. Just...

Close your eyes. Just
listen. Ready? All right?

I have nipples, Greg.

Could you milk me?

Fuck, that is one,
bitch. All day.

Can you give me one
like Schwarzenegger?

I'm not even
supposed to be here today.

But can you, uh,
Pacino that shit?

Ooh-ah!

When, lord?

When will I see
the god damn sailboat?

That came from a real
deep personal place.

I have a bfa.

Uh, I'm a theater
background actor.

As an actor with
a theater background,

I was classically
trained in New York.

Have you actually thought

about going musical with
this? 'Cause it could be...

Supposed to be here.

Hah, hoo, hah.
Yeah-cha!

Kick ball change and
snap, snap, jazz hands.

That is beautiful, man.

Freddie prinze Jr.

"I'll fuck anything
that moves."

Wait, wait a minute, man,
is this a porno?

I'll fuck anything that moves.

I'll fuck anything that moves.

I'll fuck anything that moves.

That's a little bit
in your face.

Let me try it
like this, hold on.

Can I borrow your underpants
for about ten minutes?

I'll fuck anything that moves.

And, fool,

I always carry a machete.

I'll fuck anything that moves!

Sounds like the guy
I buy weed from.

You know what this movie needs?

Deez. Deez nuts!

Can I just offer you
a piece of advice?

You know what this
script needs right here?

Like an old lady
that says curse words.

Holy shit.

Who wrote this garbage? His
mother should be ashamed.

The fuck?

He's auditioning
for silent bill.

I don't know if you know
sound of music,

the marionettes were
the best part of that.

I think that's why
they won oscars.

It's worth thinking about

maybe doing the whole
movie with marionettes.

Take your heart pills, tin man.

Hey.

So, how's it going
with the financing?

You raise my money, yet?

If it's your money,

then how come
I have to raise it?

That's Hollywood.

Did you finish
reading the script?

Last night.

And? It's funny,
right?

It's funny,

but it was like my entire
life flashed before my eyes.

My life flashed
before your eyes.

I was glad you left
some stuff out.

So, uh...

Which one of these guys
gets to play me?

Well, the guys are too young

and hot to play you.
What the fuck?

And nobody's nearly
funny enough to play me.

So then, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna play my part myself.

All right, already,
we're closing. Gee whiz!

Why? You're highly
offending me!

Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Jesus.

I'm sorry, ma'am, we're closed.

It's me, randal.

Huh. Cool. Blade
runner, I like that.

Thanks. What's
a blade runner?

Can we get back to you
acting in a movie

that you're directing even
though you've never acted in

or directed a movie before?

It worked for Orson welles.

You're not an actor.

Neither was Howard stern,

but he acted in the
movie about his life.

If you call that acting.

You think you can do better?

Better than Howard stern
did in private parts?

It's not a high bar.

Great, because
you're playing Dan-t.

What? No, no, no.
I'm not. I can't act.

You're as good
as any of the jokers

we saw at 1the audition.

Besides, if I'm gonna
play me, you gotta play you.

You have to do this, Mr. Dan-t.

Oh, for god's sakes,

please stop calling me
Mr. Dan-t.

That's another thing.
Fuck all the fake names.

What is this shit, mad magazine?

Randal is playing randal.

Dante is playing Dante,
aka Mr. Dante,

and Elias is playing Elias.

I'm in the movie, too?

Yup. And as a satanist
playing a Christian,

you've gotta act the most.

It's my very own chance...

To transform.

And transform you
shall, Bumblebee.

Soon as Mr. Dante
secures our fuckin' financing.

Yo, it's too bad you didn't
marry that Emma chick,

the one with the big clit.

Wasn't she like some kinda
car wash heiress or something?

Can you focus?

Even if we do play ourselves,

you still got to cast
all the customer parts.

Why am I casting customers
to say all this stupid shit

when I still see
the real customers

who said all the stupid
shit in the first place

come in here every day?
They can do it.

Oh, my god, you can't just turn

regular people into movie stars.

No inch, no inch, no inch!
Smokin' weed.

Smokin' weed!

Pack of wraps, my good man.

Time to kick back,
drink some beers

and smoke some weed.

You own a whole weed store.

Hey, randal, I've got an idea.

What if Jay and Bob
play Jay and Bob?

Well, we can
ask 'em. Yo.

Yo use guys want to
be in my movie?

Ooh, a pornography movie?

It's not a porno movie.

It's the movie we're
shooting in your store.

That movie?
You still ain't done?

We haven't even started yet.

I don't know. Who would
we be playing in this movie?

Well, it's these two
characters I kind of based

on you and Maggie Simpson here.

Check out your first scene.

These guys aren't real actors.

But they are real fucked
up and I could work with that.

This doesn't sound
like me at all.

What are you talking about?

All the shit in there
is all the stuff

I've personally heard
you say around here.

I do not talk like this, man.

Why do you have me
saying stupid shit like

"snootchie bootchies"
all the time?

I'll tell you what.

If you guys play
yourselves in the movie,

I'll let you guys be in
charge of crafty, too.

So what's crafty about?

Well, in addition to being
the comic relief in the movie,

you'd also be in charge
of all the food on set.

Ooh, we learned about food prep

back when we ran
the fucking cock smoker.

Wasn't that place
just a drug front?

No, we had drugs in the front

and drugs in the back.

So if Elias is playing Elias

and these dopes
are playing themselves,

who are you gonna get
to play Veronica?

Well, funny you should ask,

'cause earlier today
I sent the script

to someone who
will be absolutely...

Perfect to play Veronica.

Who the fuck do you
people think you are?

Veronica?
What is this filth?

What is this gamey, tawdry trash

that makes me out to be
some slutty sex maniac?

It's just a movie I'm making

about my life, and I thought

it'd be fun for you
to play yourself in it.

Oh, you did?

Yeah.

Then you are fucking sick! Hey!

Watch it with
my artistic expression.

"Artistic expression"?
That's my life.

It's my life.

Okay, everybody,
calm down. Jeez.

Oh, come on,
you would have killed

to have been
in a film in college.

You majored in drama.

I minored in drama.

I majored in oral surgery.

All hail the queen of oral.

Fuck you.
Surgery.

You didn't let me finish.

And I'm not gonna let you
finish this film either,

not with me as a character.

I'm not some fucking
joke you get to tell

in your dirty little b movie,

you two-bit
strip mall soderbergh.

I see myself more like
retail's Richard link later.

You want to do this?

Fine, but leave me out of it.

Unlike either of you,
I've got a grown-up job.

And unlike either of you,
I've got a family.

Oh, man, I'm so sorry.

I... sorry.

Please don't cry.

It's just been a shit day.

I had two cancelations.

My ex calls to tell me that

he's not putting
our daughter's car

on his insurance,

and so now somehow
she's pissed at me.

And then I see you
and say that shit.

It's okay. Really.

I kinda feel like... I feel
like such an asshole.

Hey, Ronnie.

If randal told me he was
gonna send you the script,

I would've said no way.

But now, I'm glad he did.

Because it's...

It's really nice to see you.
Even under the circumstances.

And you look great.

You look way younger than I do.

Yeah?
Yeah.

How young you think I look?

You don't look a day over...

37.

So, um...

You want to fuck?

You think this
means Veronica is in?

I think it means Dante sure is.

"Silent Bob,

"you are a rude motherfucker.

"But you are cute
as hell."

Silent Bob!

You are a rrr-rude motherfucker!

But you're cute as hell!

I brought the cat, randal.

Perfect. We don't want
him going anywhere

near a litter box until
we're ready to shoot.

So you're gonna have
to hold him all day.

But I'm allergic to cats.

You got to suffer
for your art, man.

But it's not my art,
it's your art.

Shouldn't you be the
one doing the suffering?

I didn't suffer enough

when I almost died
from a heart attack,

which I might add was after

a heated exchange about kites?

My allergies have made me immune

to your emotional blackmail.

Check out this acting.

Silent Bob,

you are a rrr-rude motherfucker!

But you're cute as hell.

Very natural,
and subtle. I like it.

So, how are you feeling today?

Oh, you know,
I feel like that kid

that worked in the video store,

fully fluent in
the language of cinema.

It's like I was born to direct.

No, bro. I mean, you had
a heart attack last month.

Oh, that.
No, I feel fine.

How do you feel today

after your range rover
sleepover last night?

Stop it. When I said
to be a producer,

I didn't mean produce
a late-in-life child.

Unwilling producer.

I didn't ask for this
job, but I am doing it.

So I have a meeting
today about money.

Fucking a,
that's producing, j.J.

And I found you
a cinematographer.

What?
May I present to you...

Shooter Bob.

Silent Bob is gonna be our dp?

Shit, yeah, we all
gonna be doing dps!

Uh, dp is the name of the job.

You said it was cinematographer.

The cinematographer is the dp.

Man, don't be
acting like you know

all the industry slang and shit.

Me and silent Bob
are the only ones here

who've actually been
on a movie set. Twice.

Come on.

Yes, he's an
unconventional choice,

but you are an unconventional
filmmaker making

an unconventional film.
Yeah.

You want me to entrust the
story of my life to the quiet place.

He has some really nice shots

on his Instagram.

Come on, give him a chance, man.

Maybe he speaks the
language of cinema like you do.

The guy never speaks at all.

Okay, so we just
scouted in here,

and the colors are fucking ugly.

So silent Bob wants to
shoot the whole movie

in black and white.

Schindler's list black and
white? What, is he nuts?

Uh, no, I'm a fucking filmmaker.

And any filmmaker
worth their salt

would know that the colors

in this place
are fucking ghastly.

The only way you
could deal with them

is to neutralize them by
going in black and white,

which will also kind
of act as a commentary

on the soulless
nature of commerce

while subliminally giving
the audience the impression

that they're watching our heroes

from the perspective

of an imaginary
store security cam.

That's what I was
thinking. Mmm-hmm.

That's what an
artist thinks. Yup.

But, you know, it's up to you.

However, I'm shooting
it in black and white,

or I ain't shooting it
at all, motherfucker.

That's right.

Jesus, he looks fat.

You're not on mute, Emma.

I know. So? Hello.

Hi, you.

How's Florida?

Full of assholes, but
at least it's not Jersey.

What do you want, Dante?

Okay, uh, this is gonna
come out of left field,

but, um, I was hoping
I could borrow some money.

Fuck no.

It's not for me.
It's for randal.

Oh, then double fuck no.

He had a heart attack, Emma.

Good. I hope
he dropped dead.

He didn't.

So he needs the money for, uh...

For the hospital bills.

Randal doesn't have
any insurance.

So the fuck what?

Even if I wanted to help,
which I don't,

I'm not giving randal
graves any free money.

Emma, please.

You and I once promised
that if we ever needed help,

we'd always be there for
each other, no matter what.

That was before
you cheated on me

at a fucking donkey show.

Goodbye, Dante!

No, no. Wait,
wait, wait.

Please, Emma.

I'm desperate here.

Do you even have any collateral?

If I have to...

I can sign over my half of
the quick stop as collateral.

That shithole? Ugh.

What's all this about?
We're making a movie.

No shit.
A pornography movie?

How long does that
take? Twenty-one nights.

It's gonna take my auteur
friend here 21 nights

for him to cinematically
suck his own dick.

In a row?

"In convenience."
I don't get it.

Scene ten, take one!

Cat wrangler!

All right, let's go.

And...

Action.

Holy shit.

We got poop.

And action.

Fuck.

What are you waitin' for? Dance!

I ain't doing this with all
these fuckin' people watching.

Oh, my god.

Cut!

The talent's
being a little bitch.

Can you guys wait
in the video store?

I'll run the camera.

Unbelievable.
Really?

There, ya happy?
I cleared the set.

So fucking dance, man.

You fucking dance.

- Bitch.
- And...

Action.

What the fuck, jojo siwa?

Look at this fucking
guy looking at us!

He's not even paying
attention. Gee whiz.

You have to go
inside, too, cuck.

Who the fuck's
gonna run the camera?

Push the button and walk away.

Oh, my god.

All right.

Action.

I guess.

All right, now, hold
on to the counter.

I'm going to pull,
okay? Here we go.

Ah...

Action.

We need some tits and ass, yeah!

And cut.

Ha-ha.

Nice job, nice work.

Um...

All right, we're
doing the same shot

just over to this door.

Sound here. Let's get
the sticks over there.

Elias, you with us?

Okay, we're doing
the same thing.

We're just, kind of,
coming over here.

We're gonna stay on the same...

And... action.

You know, there are a
million fines in the world, dude.

"Millions of
fines"? What the hell, man?

That's not the line.

"There's a million
fine-looking women

"in the world,
dude."

There are a billion
behinds in this world, dude!

Whoo! Not "billions of behinds."

"A million fine-looking women."

You know, they're killing
swines in the world, dude.

Jesus fucking Christ,
you non-acting fuck!

I will do it myself.

Ahem!

You know, there's a
million fine-looking women

in the world, dude,

but they don't all bring
you lasagne at work.

Most of them just cheat on you.

You all about Eve
-ining fuck. Well?

Fasten your seat belts.
It's gonna be a bumpy night.

So that's it. He
doesn't love you anymore.

He loves Caitlin.

And he told you all
this? Pretty much.

All except the latent
homosexuality but...

What the fuck, man?

We're making
a movie here. Ew!

It's nothing compared
to how my cousin Walter died.

- How'd he die?
- He broke his neck.

That's embarrassing?

He broke his neck trying
to suck his own dick.

Holy shit, man.

- Is that shit true?
- Are you nuts?

Shut the fuck up.

We're shooting a scene here.

Uh, what the hell is this?

The story needs a little action

so I added a scene where cohee

comes in to Rob
the place at the end.

And in the process,
you get shot.

No way. I'm not letting you
kill me off in the third act.

What if there's a sequel?

A sequel?
What am I? A hack?

Cohee, producer says I
gotta cut your scene, man.

Yo, I'm still pay
or play, right?

Publicity? Isn't it
a little early for that?

I've been reading the
paper my whole life

and the only time
I've seen my name in it

was under the headline,

"local grocer has
massive heart attack."

So I thought in your
official capacity as producer,

maybe you can get a
cub reporter over here

to do a story about
your director in action.

"I assure you
we're open."

I don't get it.

Some savages are always
sticking gum in the locks,

so I wrote it into the
script to be the reason

the shutters are closed all day.

That way, we can shoot at night

and pretend it's day out.

I fucking hate how
fake Hollywood is.

I don't appreciate
your ruse, ma'am.

I beg your pardon.
Your ruse.

Your cunning attempt
to trick me.

This is the last
time I rent here!

You will be missed.

Screw you!

You're not allowed
to rent here anymore!

Yeah!

And cut.

Nice work.

Nice work.

Okay, now just give
me ten minutes

and then I'll be
ready to do mine.

Your what?

Wah, Ricky!

This is the
last time I rent here!

I don't get it.

She wanted to do one as Lucy.

Empire had the better ending.

I mean, Luke gets
his hand cut off,

finds out vader's his father.

Han gets frozen,
taken away by Boba Fett.

It ends on such a down note.

Cut.
What? What happened?

"Han gets frozen

"and taken away
by Boba Fett."

I said that.

No, you said, "han gets frozen,

"taken away
by Boba Fett."

You left out
the "and."

Do I come in now, randal?

Not yet, Thomas.
Go back out.

You can blame Dante for
ad-libbing all over my movie

like he's Seth fucking rogan.

Oh, my god, I left out one word.

Every word is sacred
to the writer.

This isn't writing.

It's a bunch of shit that
happened for real in my life.

My life.

Do I come in now, randal?

Not yet, Thomas.
Back.

Oh, man, Thomas fucked up again?

Stop fucking shit up, Thomas.

Hey, fuck-o. What'd
you say to my father?

How about I fuck your shit up,

you fucking fuck
hole motherfucker!

Shooter Bob!

That is the Jersey-iest thing

I've ever heard or
seen in my life.

And action.

That's your lung.

By this time, your
lung looks like this.

So why don't you put
the cigarettes back

and try some gum instead?

Here, chewlies gum, try this.

Oh, my god, that reeks!

God!
What is that?

What happened to the
model of the lung I gave ya?

I'm a method actor.

I ditched the model lung

for this tripe
I got at food town.

Jesus. I used my
power of stagecraft

to see that stomach
as a lung. It's method!

And you're Dante Hicks.

We went to the same
school. You played hockey.

Yeah. How'd you
know that?

You still going out with her?

No, she's getting married.

To you?
No.

To an Asian design major.

What is...
You know what?

Cut, cut, cut! I can't
abide by this racist shit.

Racist? How the
hell is it racist?

Just look at all this
fucking lack of diversity.

And calling some guy
an Asian design major

just feels racist.

That's not racist. The guy
literally majored in Asian design.

Are you sure?

Wasn't he a, uh, Asian student
who was also a design major?

He was a passionate
student of Asian design.

It just so happens he himself
was coincidentally Asian.

Take it easy, man.

So, uh, where are we gonna
shoot the donkey show scene?

Where it happened.
Mooby's.

Our mooby's?
Yeah.

How are we supposed to get in?

I got the locations
department working on it.

It's stuck in my hair.

Shit. Can you
get it?

Ugh. I hate wearing
the mooby suit, man.

Come on, boys.
Let's go!

No.

No what? No, I...
I can't go inside.

Of course, you can.

Becks, I can't.

We had the best times
of our lives in that place.

Until one of our lives ended.

It's just a building, Hicks.

It's just a building I
haven't been inside since...

Since you...

I know. I'm sorry.

Just turn the page.

You can do this, babes.

No.

Don't go.

Uh, randal.
This is Lisa

and her daughter...
Lisa.

Uh, Lisa goes to high school

at Henry Hudson regional. Oh.

And this is my husband,
lando, who can go straight to hell.

I'm so mad at you.

Don't say a damn word
the whole night.

Don't even think words!
- Uh...

We're gonna shoot
a movie in a minute

so I gotta chase you guys

- out of here.
- Oh, okay, my bad.

I guess you don't want press

for your little
YouTube video, then.

Did you say press?

Mr. Dante
asked them

to come here to cover the shoot.

So you're saying
little Lisa is...

Ah! High school Lisa.

Don't call her little Lisa

and you better not
call me big Lisa.

High school Lisa writes for
the high school newspaper?

And her parents
are the chaperones.

Fucking great.

Even though one
parent just came out

of the strip club tonight

spending all my $5 bills
that I got at bingo. Bitch.

Hey! The producer's
on set.

So lights! Camera!

Action!

He looks drunk.

He looks like he needs a
piece of butter and bread.

Ooh, it's cold in here.

Cough cold... hey!

All right, look,

I realize going to mooby's
might have hit you hard

but you just take off?

We couldn't even shoot
the donkey show!

Oh, big deal.

What the fuck is wrong
with you, man?

Try thinking of somebody
other than yourself for once.

Myself?
Okay.

We're gonna shoot this scene

because the kid from
the high school newspaper

and her mom are waiting.

Thanks for understanding
the assignment on that one.

But since you showed
up here shit-faced

and ruined tonight before
we even had a chance to roll,

we're gonna
re-shoot this tomorrow.

So get your selfish ass
out there on that cooler

and let's pretend for a minute

you've actually been
helpful on my movie,

which is, like, the only thing

I ever asked you to do for me

and only after I almost
dropped dead

from a fucking heart attack.

You're fucking
unbelievable, man.

Come on!

What...

In convenience.

Stupid title.

Scene 137. Take one.

Are they shooting this
in black and white?

I see a lot of white.
I don't see the black.

And action.

Salsa shark!

We're gonna need a bigger boat.

Man goes into cage,
cage goes into salsa.

Shark's in the salsa.
Our shark.

Oh, what?
What's with you, man?

You haven't said anything
in, like, 20 minutes.

What the hell's your problem?

This life.

This life?

I'm stuck in this pit
on my day off,

dealing with every backward
ass fuck on the planet.

I smell like shoe Polish,

and my girlfriend
sucked 36 dicks.

- Thirty-seven.
- Oh!

Cover your ears, baby girl.

Why the fuck are
they cursing like that?

You need to shit
or get off the pot.

What the hell
are you talking about?

I'm talking about
this thing you have,

this inability to improve
your station in life.

Fuck you.

It's true, man.

You sit there and blame life
for dealin' ya a cruddy hand,

never once accepting
responsibility

for the way your situation is.

You better leave me
the fuck alone, man.

It's because you're
comfortable, right?

This is the life of
convenience for you

and any attempt to
change it would shatter

the pathetic microcosm
you've fashioned for yourself.

What?

Man, if you weren't
such a fucking coward.

Oh, would you shut the fuck up?

That's not the line, man.

What are you doing?
My whole life

you've been running your
mouth a million miles an hour

and saying absolutely nothing!

I gotta listen to you talk shit

about everybody and
everything you think

as if the world's waiting
for you to weigh in!

Nobody fuckin' cares.

Oh, real nice, pal.

Get me all worked up
because it's not like

I had a heart attack
and almost...

Died! "I almost died
from a heart attack!

"Did I not mention that a
couple of thousand times yet?"

Fuck you. "Hey,
everybody, look at me.

"I'm the boy who lived."

"So I gotta make a movie

"all about what a relentless
fucking asshole I am

"to everybody I ever met,

"especially my so-called
fucking friends."

Oh, we're not friends
anymore, man.

You can fucking
believe that shit.

Oh, good!
Yeah.

Because if we're not friends,

I don't have to worry anymore
what the cold, hard truth

might do to your poor,
wittle heart!

Oh, don't worry about
me, pal, I'll be just fine.

So since I can be completely

honest with you?
Oh, please,

be completely honest.

You think you deserve a movie?

Yeah.

What did you ever
do in life but watch it

and mock it?

What have you ever fucking done?

I had a life.

I was this close
to happily ever after

and then, one drunk
driver later...

My movie's over.

Forever.

No happy ending,

no sequel.

Not even a third fucking act,

just, "fuck you!
And, oh, by the way,

"fuck you!" Credits.

But, hey...

What's that compared
to a heart attack?

I mean, shit!

You could have
almost died, right?

Yeah.

Well, some of us did die.

Some of us have been
dead inside ever since.

But then, just when I'm
able to walk into this place

without wanting to kill myself
every day, you have an idea.

You wanna make a movie
about your life.

Oh, and you... You've
been very clear about that.

It's your life!

Well, get this,
you self-centered,

gaping wound of a human being

with your insatiable
fucking ego!

The fuck?

Your life...

Is my life!

I've been there with
you the whole time!

And since you know how
hard that life's been on me,

did it ever occur to you

that maybe I didn't wanna
relive that fucking life?

So, I quit...

As your producer.

And I quit...

As your fucking friend.

'Cause I'm not
even supposed to...

Now that's what I call acting!

Come on, everybody,
clap it up for that.

Okay, drinkie-mc-stinky, get up.

Dante?

Hey.

Hey. Hey! Dante!

Wake up, man. Hey!

Call an ambulance!

Wake up, man.
Dante. Dante!

Dante? Um...

Excuse me. We're...
What the...

No, you can't be back
here. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right,
already. God.

They just brought our friend in.

His name is Dante Hicks.

He's the drunk guy that
collapsed at the quick stop.

Uh-huh. The
first responder said

he's having a heart
attack. Okay, okay.

You need to wait out there, sir.

Someone will be by
to tell you more

as soon as we know more.

Thank you.

This is where
I first rejected Jesus.

Yeah, and now look
what's happened.

So weird to be back here.

Yeah, tell me about it.

All right, look. I'm
gonna get out of here.

Call me as soon as they
say something, all right?

Wait, what?
Where are you going?

I'm gonna go work
on my movie, man.

Your movie?

Yeah, I mean, it's almost done.

It's not like I'm doing Dante
any good sitting around here.

I might as well
go work on my movie.

Are you kidding me?
Even now?

"Even now" what?

"Oh, my movie.

"My movie! Everybody
make my movie

"because it's
so important."

This is neither
the time nor the place

to do an impression
of Chris Nolan.

I'm doing an impression
of you, randal.

We're in the hospital.

That's stating the obvious. No.

The obvious statement
right now would be,

"never mind the movie,

"my best friend's
in the hospital."

It's just a heart attack.
I had one. He'll be fine.

Fuck you, randal.

Fuck you.

Come on.
God, man.

I used to look up to you so much

but you're the worst,
you know that?

The worst in the world.

Mr. Dante made
your movie happen.

I made my movie happen.

I had the idea
to make the movie.

I wrote the script

and I'm the goddamn director.

I made this movie happen.

It was all me.

Oh, it was all you, huh? Yeah.

Okay.

Take off your stupid
mask, randal.

Yeah.

Because I remember
Mr. Dante doing everything.

He even called his
ex-fiancee who hates his guts.

He put up his half of quick stop

just to get you the money
to make your stupid movie.

Wait a minute.

Dante got the money
for my movie from Emma?

Code blue. Er 7.

Dante, I didn't know about Emma.

I just found out. You
again? What did I say?

I didn't know.
What did I say, huh?

Security!
Is he okay?

Get out of here,
man. Get out!

Is he okay?
Get out! Security!

All right.
Get off of me!

Randal, where are you going?

Fuck!

I think it needs more weed. Hmm.

God. Hey...

I need your help with Dante.

Who's Dante?

The fuck do
you mean? Dante.

The other guy, the guy in
the quick stop who's not me?

Wait, I thought
his name was Sergio.

Ain't his name Sergio?
It's fucking Dante.

Are you gonna help me or not?

Anything for our boy Sergio.

I need to sneak into the
hospital to get to Sergio,

so I want you guys to create
a very subtle distraction.

I took a poo in the icu!

I took a...
Oh, shit!

Hey! Hey!

Dante?

Hey, man.

I figure, since you're
just laying around here...

You little heart attack copycat.

You got time to watch
our first movie.

Huh?

You're gonna see I was way off

with that stupid shit
I said at the store.

I never... never would have
made this movie without you.

I never could do
anything without you.

I'm here, man.
I'm here.

Let's watch the movie.

This is the way I see you.

You're the main character
in my star wars.

You're not the dak.

You've always been the Luke.

You're
the hero of my movie, too.

You've always been
my hero, Dante.

Let's go.

Yeah?
Yeah.

That was the best
movie I ever saw.

But it's not over.

Don't you wanna see how it ends?

I trust the director.

He wasn't just
my favorite filmmaker...

he was my best friend.

What's goin' on?

You okay? Hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey!

Don't fucking leave me, man.

Don't leave me!

Oh, shit. Help!

And that's when
the good thief said,

"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are but thieves."

What the fuck are butt thieves?

I don't know if any
of you know this

but I'm a satanist now.

And while I may be
the devil's concubine,

I still believe in heaven.

And because
Mr. Dante

was the best person
that I ever knew,

I believe he's in
heaven right now,

just like the good thief.

Dante's inferno.

No.

Dante's paradiso!

Si.

Grazie, Elias.

I, uh...

I thought a lot about
what to say here today.

I was gonna pull from the eulogy

that kirk gave Spock
in the wrath of Khan,

but I've always been
more of a star wars fan

so I should say something like,

"may the force be with you"
or "this is the way."

But I think instead
of quoting a movie,

I'd like to paraphrase
the departed.

And by the departed,
I mean Dante Hicks,

not the scorsese picture
that was pretty perfect

right up until that stupid
shot of the rat at the end.

So in the words...

Of the best guy I ever knew...

"You're not even
supposed to be here today."

Come on in here,
you little butt thief,

and assume your new position.

But this was
Mr. Dante's spot.

Yeah, well, after all this time

of being my biggest
and only fanboy,

I'd say you earned it.

Besides, I told you way back
when we worked at mooby's

when Dante is gone,

you're gonna be
my new best friend.

No, I'm not.

Who the fuck else am
I gonna hang out with?

It's you and me, buddy.

Oh, fuck.

Well, look who it is,
Mr. Big shit.

Well, look who it is,
Mrs. Big clit.

Classy. How am
I not surprised?

I was surprised to see
you at the cemetery.

You flew up for Dante?

Well, I did almost marry
the man, and if I had... p.S.

He wouldn't have died
of a heart attack

before he was 50.

Yeah, because
after a year with you,

he'd have killed himself.

I think I heard
you had a heart attack.

Am I right?

That must really fuck with you.

Dante's dead but
you're still here.

I guess it's true
what they say, randal.

Only the good die young.

To what do I owe the pleasure

of your entirely
unwelcome visit?

I loaned Dante 30 grand

and he put his half of
the store up as collateral.

Now he's gone.

And if you can't pay me
back, I own half this shithole.

How big's my clit
now, motherfucker?

Oh, my sweet Satan,

lend your might to the
meek and deliver us

from this succubus.

What the...

The kites are flying!
Ah!

I repeat!
The kites are...

Flying!
He talks?

Yes.
Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!
What?

The kites are sold out.

The fucking kites,
god, the kites.

The crimson kite nft's,

the ones we minted for
the crimson crypto club.

Block chain put them
on sale last night

and they all sold out.

So?

The two of us just made...

One million!
One million!

One million dollars!
Ah!

Hail Satan! I'm
crypto rich, bitch!

I just cashed out $100,000
just to flex and buy sex.

Here, take that.
Shit.

What're you gonna do
with your money, big e?

I'll never be able to earn
my place behind this counter

but now I can buy it.
Here's your sucking

blood money.
Oh!

Now, get the hell
out of our store!

Well played, clerks.

Sorry about the mess.

That was from star wars.

I only said it 'cause
you and Mr. Dante

used to talk about
star wars. I know.

Long time ago.

In a galaxy far, far away...

Holy fuck, that's
a lot of money.

You wanna buy some weed?

Yes! I wanna buy
all the weed!

Here's ten grand.

Whoo! That's gonna
get you higher

than Godzilla's asshole.

Yo, where those kites at?

Right this way, valued customer.

Aye-yi-yi.

I wish you were here, man.

Hey, kids!
It's me, Kevin Smith,

and I can't thank you enough
for making this third trip

to the convenience store
with me. Thank you.

Um... this time's
exciting for me

because this time everyone
finally gets to see clerks

the way I've always seen clerks.

Most people think that clerks
is a black and white movie

and they're right. It was
shot on black and white film.

But, to me,
whenever I watch clerks,

even though
it's in black and white,

the movie appears in color.

Because I lived that life.

And so now, thanks to Lee Ron,

you're all seein' quick stop
and the surrounding area,

uh, Dante, randal,
Jay and silent Bob

as I've always seen them
from day one.

Um, in vivid, living color.

Uh, you know, quick stop
is the unsung, uh, star

of all the clerks movies,
if not,

you know, the epicenter

of the view askewniverse
films in general.

Um, all stories emanate

and flow from that
little building.

And when I worked there...

Um, I hated it.
I didn't want to be there.

I didn't wanna work
for somebody else

and I didn't wanna work there.

And people would come in

and I'd be like, "oh, my god,

"I have to actually
wait on people?

"I just wanna watch TV."

I didn't even wanna work
at the convenience store.

I tried to get a job
at rst video.

There was an ad
in the paper for it.

I went down
and talked to Mr. Topper.

He said... he goes,
"I see you have

"convenience store
experience as well."

I said, "yeah, I worked in a
bunch of convenience stores."

And he goes, "would
you be willing to work

"in this convenience
store next door

"from time to time because
we own that as well?"

And I was like, "uh, yeah,
if you need help."

And, uh, famous last
words because it...

It was a convenience store job.

He catfished me.
I just wound up

working in a convenience store
with a couple of hours in...

In a video store,
teased with paradise,

then seduced and abandoned
to sell, uh, goods.

So in clerks, randal says,

"man, this job would be great

"if it wasn't for
the fuckin' customers."

Uh, but in the script
for clerks III,

I'm gonna read you a little
something that was there

that I didn't use in the movie.

During the pullback shot

at the very end,
you hear John gorka's

beautiful I'm from New Jersey.

And it was so lovely,

I left that moment alone
and didn't put in

what in the script called
for, the voice of smod.

That would be me. And this
is what you would have heard.

"Randal graves spent
the rest of his life

"running quick stop groceries

"whenever he wasn't
making movies,

"with each film financed solely

"by crimson crypto studios.

"At a screening
of his final film,

"the as bury park press asked him

"to sum up
a life spent satisfying

"both the public's demand
for cigarettes and soda

"as well as their appetite
for the many movies

"he made after his
celebrated debut, clerk.

"The 90-year-old
randal graves replied,

"'i always thought that jobs
would have been great

"'if it weren't for
the fuckin' customers.

"'But as it turns out,

"'these jobs are great because
of the fuckin' customers.'"

he means it and so do I.

Thank you to everybody

whoever walked through
the door of that store

and made me think,

"somebody should put this
in a fuckin' movie."

Somebody did. Thank you.

Yeah!

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