Original subtitles

Boy, sis, i sure do love quackers cereal.

Hey, bushes don't walk.

Nice try, quackers.

You know quackers cereal is for--

Shut thefuck up and hand over the cereal box!

I need that upc code! Aah!

Y. Quackers, you're acting craz

I'll show you fuckin' crazy!

Uhh!

[Splashing]

[Gleeful panting]

4 down. One to go.

[Gunshot]

Holy quap!

[Gunfire]

Ehh.

Tell me where the upc codes are.

Never. You'll have to kill me first.

Ooh. Looks like someone hasn't been meeting

His daily requirement of iron. Soggies.

Aah! No!

[Laughing]

Oh, man. Quackers is really getting what he deserves.

Yeah. But am i?

. I'm so telling mom

[Glass shatters, news theme]

Reporter: with the recent death of beloved cereal mascot quackers,

A worldwide search has begun for his replacement,

Attracting cartoon characters from even the most obscure tv shows.

It's always been my dream to be a cereal mascot

And make kids happ--

Well, i wanna be a mascot for the fame and the fort--

Babba-Buey. Babba-Buey. Babba-Buey. Babba-Buey.

[Man] when quackers' replacement is found,

Rainbow smoke will rise from the smokestacks.

In other news, i have throat cancer,

And i'm not doing well.

And now back to your regularly scheduled program.

[Knock on door]

Is this where the auditions are?

Don't be shy. Come in.

I'm franken berry, the president of the cereal empire.

This is tony tiger.

And of course you know violent retard,

From violent retard flakes.

[Squelch]

There isn't any cereal called violent retard flakes.

[Whispering] you tell him.

Ok, miss braunstein.

Tell us why you think

The new face of quackers cereal

Should be a fat, disgusting woman.

Because mary lou retton sold a buttload of wheaties.

Maybe this is the retardation talking,

But i think toot is perfect.

Then it's berry official.

Congratulations. You're the new face of quackers cereal.

[Noisemakers blow]

You're goddamn right i am, you assbags.

Ooh, you're welcome.

You start first thing tomorrow morning,

Barring of course the sudden entrance of someone better.

[Footsteps patter]

Wooldoor: hey, where's the room for the auditions?

Man: uh, down the hallway to the left.

No, the other left.

Why are you sitting down?

I get confused.

Aw, for god's sake , just follow the arrows.

[Door shakes] it's locked.

You just gotta pull it.

I am pulling it.

Try it again.

. No, don't sit down

Here. Let me do it.

[Door shakes]

You're right. It is locked.

Aren't you boner fromgrowing pains?

Yeah. It's always nice to meet a fan.

I wouldn't say i'm a fan . I just watch a lot of tv.

Hey, you know who's here?

You ever watch small wonder?

No. Never heard of it.

You've never seen small wonder?

It's about a girl with powers.

I think you're thinking ofout of this world.

Nah, nah. Small wonder.

It's about a robot girl who could stop time.

Are you sure that wasn't out of this world?

Yeah.Out of this worldwas the one

Where the girl's d ad was an alien.

Oh, right. Right.

[Sighs]

Uh, anyway, she works upstairs in marketing.

Cool.

Yep, yep.

[Door shakes]

Oh. Here, look.

The door's not locked.

You're just supposed to push it.

Whee!

Hold up!

What's this all of a sudden?!

I'm wacky wooldoor sockbat!

Ok, this is definitely the retardation talking,

But me want hug!

. He's gooood enough

Yaah! [Crack]

Toot, you're out. Wha?

Wooldoor sockbat, you're the new quackers mascot.

Congratulations.

Whee!

Hey, hey, hey. Am i too late for the audition?

Oh, way too late.

Once we make a decision, it's final.

Ahh, quack attack.

[Funk music playing]

Wooldoor sockbat from torrance,

I'm glad you could make it.

[Indistinct growly vocals]

Sugar, honey, i want you to meet the new kid on the block.

Hi. I'm wooldoor.

Hey, wooldoor. I'm sugar bear.

Can i ask you a question?

Do you work out? Yeah.

What do you bench?

You tell first. You first.

Same time. Ready?

1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3.

You didn't say anything.

Neither did you.

™ª ♪♪ that bee is stacked out ♪

™ª ♪♪ i'm gonna get some... ♪

Hey, has anyone seen jewel?

Oh, no.

Hey, snap, crackle, that's my wife!

Me i'm done with you, pop . These guys don't need

To crap on their bellies to get off.

[Groans]

Wooldoor, i'd like you to meet the cap'n.

So, frank says you've got a great big cock.

Really? May i see it?

Ok. [Zip]

[Thud]

Thank you, wooldoor.

[Tipsy] you sons of bitches!

[Dramatic music sting]

This was supposed to be all mine--

The cereal; the crappy friends;

The word-For-Word boogie nightsparody,

If you can call lazy plagiarism a parody--

But you gave it tohim instead ofme!

Soggies.

Like a woman on a date with a jew,

You're gonna pay!

Wait! I'm sorry if--

Don't worry about her, kid.

She's just jealous because you're a star.

Here. Try some crunchberries.

Mmm. Hmm.

[Babbles]

Fuckin' "a," dude.

I can stay hard in milk. Whee!

[Cheering]

Aah!

Screw all you cereal dickholes.

You're all gonna pay,

As sure as my name is too--

Toot brau--

Au--

Stei--

Ein!

Esquire.

[Vomits]

[Crows]

Goddamn it.

Somebody call the quops!

What the?

Ohh.

Quackers?

I thought you were dead.

I don't have much time.

They fed me alqua-Seltzer.

What happened? Why were you in there?

They're looking for these.

[Grunts]

Keepin' these in my ass

Seemed like a much better idea

When they weren't in my ass.

[Pop]

Take these 4 golden upcs.

[Coughs]

Hey, rabbit, i need the news, not the weather.

When joined with the hidden fifth upc,

They would unlock a secret

That will destroy the evil cereal empire.

A secret that can bring down those bastards who humiliated me?

I like the sound of that.

Here's another cool sound.

[Humming]

[Boom]

Aw, quackers, you're with quist now.

I'll always remember the good times.

[Good times theme playing]

♪♪ good times! ♪♪

♪♪ anytime you meet a payment ♪♪

♪♪ good times! ♪♪

♪♪ anytime you meet a friend ♪♪

♪♪ ain't we lucky we got 'em? ♪♪

♪♪ good times ♪♪

[Vocalizing]

And i met trix rabbit.

And did you know that sugar bear can squat 350?

And the mansion is awesome! 3 tvs, a water slide,

And nobody sodomizes you if you accidentally sit in their chair.

Is you on somethin'?

Just a few crunchberries. It's no big.

Hey, you cereal mascot dickbag,

Toot braunstein is gonna destroy you and the entire cereal empire

With these special upc codes.

There's nothin' spec ial about upc codes.

Why, they're everywher e and have been since 1971.

First suggested by wallace fritz in 1922,

The uniform product code, or upc,

Was developed--

I like to pee on things.

You don't understand. Quackers was still alive,

And he told me to find the last upc code,

And then he died in my arms.

You're just jealous

Because you didn't have what it takes

To grace the cover of a cereal box.

Tookie, can't you just be happy for mapplethorpe?

Why don't you assholes believe me?!

And why don't you know any of our names?

Fine. I can prove to you all that i'm not lying.

I can take you to his dead body.

A dead body, you say?

Come on, everybody.

I'll take you to see quackers' dead body

On the carousel of progress.

♪♪ now is the time ♪♪

♪♪ now is the best time ♪♪

♪♪ now is the best time of your life ♪♪

♪♪ there's so much to cheer for ♪♪

♪♪ be glad you're here ♪♪

♪♪ for it's the best time of your life ♪♪

What? Quackers is gone!

You promised me a dead body!

He blew up right here.

A-And the cage, it was right over there.

Wooldoor: franken berry?

Oh, it's franken berry now,

Because back in hebrew school, it was franken stein.

Assimilation is our people's biggest enemy.

I know.

[Violin plays]

I know you moved quacker's body,

And i'm gonna bring you all down

As soon as i find the last upc.

Upcs?! Give me them!

Oh. I mean, may i take a gander? Hmm?

Never!

Oh, goddamn it.

[Grunts] no.

Where are you, fifth upc code?

Hmm?

[Whimpers]

[Wind blowing]

Whaah!

[Meow]

Heh. Silly me.

It's just the cat that makes

My sand sausage every morning.

Holy crap!

Give me the upc codes, you.

Never!

[Gasps] someone after me funyuns.

[Chuckling]

[Shotgun blast]

Toots, you better get your greasy hooves

Off that midget. No means no.

You stupid bitch!

He's trying to kill me!

[Gasps] oh, lordy.

[Whimpers]

Uhh!

Who the hell sent you?

They'll be puttin' pennies on me eyes

Before i tell you that franken berry sent me

And that the final upc is hidden in general mills' tomb.

Ooh. I wasn't supposed to say that.

Time for me cyanide marshmallows.

There's one in every box. Try to find 'em, kids.

[Bagpipe plays]

Now do you believe me, foxxy?

I sure do.

We gots to go to mr. General mills' tom b.

[Wolf howling]

€™. [Gasps] somebody comin'’

Aw, man, those things are so racist.

I mean, what kind of sick weirdo would buy one of those?

Seriously.

So, you wanna go diddle the new corpse?

Yeah, as long as she ain't black. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Choir: ♪♪ amen ♪♪

[Wolf howls]

There it go,

General mill tomb.

Only the worthy may enter.

Aah! Yaah!

To get to the final upc,

You must answer these questions.

But beware. If you answer incorrectly,

Y'all end up like them.

[Thunder]

I feel bad we got it wrong.

Well, you live and learn.

How delicious is a bowl of franken...

Berry cereal?

[Whispering]

Jodeci.

[Whispering]

Foxxy got this.

We gonna go with berry delicious.

Show me "berry delicious."

[Bong]

[Applause]

You are worthy.

There's general mills!

Damn! I ain't seen a general that ashy since colin powell.

[Both laugh]

Be careful of this one.

He's a little clingy.

[Whoosh]

That's the final upc.

We got it.

Now what?

Yaah! Yaah!

Send in all 5 upc symbols and receive the secret mystery prize.

Duuuh.

No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited.

Free housebreaking wee-Wee pads with each purpose. Bluuh.

Come on. We gots to send 'em in

Before the frankel berry stop us.

Thank you, general mills.

I'll always remember the good times.

♪♪ good times ♪♪

♪♪ any time you meet a payment ♪♪

♪♪ good times ♪♪

♪♪ any time you meet a friend ♪♪

♪♪ ain't we lucky we got 'em? ♪♪

♪♪ good times ♪♪

[Vocalizing]

Oh, drat.

We must kill toot

Before she mails in the upcs.

Wooldoor: kill toot?!

Why would you wanna kill my fattest friend?

If your friend manages to send in those upc codes,

She'll have the power to take away your fame,

Your money, your crunchberries.

But i need that to relax!

That's why i need your help.

Anything! Good. Wooldoor,

Now, you know this toots intimately.

If she had to mail something, where would she go?

The post office?

Yes, of course. The post office.

[Snaps]

You've done well and deserve to be rewarded.

You get to watch me fuck this filthy whore

And fuck her good.

Oh, cup the balls.

Work the shaft.

Aim for her cocoa puffs, frankie.

They'll never expect us to be mailing the upc codes

From the post office.

[Gasps]

[Gasps] soggies!

[Music similar to the matrix reloadedplaying]

You better strap your fat ass in.

I'm goin' up.

Ooh. This is hot.

Let's touch dicks.

[Zip, thud]

[Gags]

Pussy!

I'm gonna jump for it!

[Chambers round]

[Choir singing]

[Music stops]

[Whistling]

[Creak]

At last.

[Rounds chamber]

Aah! Yaah!

[Accent] you cheat, dr. Jones.

Tear it open.

That's it? A crappy piece of plastic?

They always look a lot more able

To bring down the cereal empire on the box.

[Beeps]

Africa?

I don't even know what's gonna happen,

And i'm already offended.

How the hell are we gonna get to africa?

Ting tao, doctah jones.

Ring-Ring potea mo nanankora short round.

♪♪ now is the time ♪♪

♪♪ now is the best time ♪♪

♪♪ now is the best time of your life ♪♪

Come on, guys. That way.

Oh, my gosh.

American cereals are mined by child slaves.

Dig 'em.

I said dig 'em.

Mine!

Ohh. You can really taste the suffering.

We got to free them child slaves.

Gas, grass, or ass.

So now you know the truth.

That's bad news for you,

Berry bad.

Usin' po' innocent chil'ren for slave labor.

Well, that's more shameful than our government's

Refusal to sign the kyoto protocol.

Uh, i mean, blackety, black, black, stereotype black.

You happy?

Oh, get over it.

Everything good in america comes

At the expense of third-World children,

Even this insipid cartoon.

Without them, drawn together

Would look like this.

Sweet.

Now i can eat anything i want.

Now i grow weary of this nonsense.

As do i, master.

Wooldorf.

Wooldorf is dead.

I am wooldenberry frankbat.

[All gasp]

Oh, retrieve the toy

And bring it to me so i can

Destroy it once and for all.

As you wish.

Ow!

Don't give it to him, wooldenberry frankbot.

You became a cereal mascot to make kids happy,

Not to make them slaves.

They're going to destr oy the cereal empire and your new life.

[Whimpers]

Nnn.

Hmm...

Here, my lord.

What the?

Toot, catch!

Wooldoor: unh!

What the hell am i supposed to do with this?

Boy: if you want to release us,

You have to use the toy to turn the honeycomb,

And it's big.

Kids: yeah, yeah, yeah.

. It ain't small

No, no, no.

Wait! Toot!

If you stop what you're doing,

I'll give you anything you want,

Even your own cereal.

It is a touching offer and clearly in my best interest,

But i'm far too vindictive,

So fuck you, assbags!

No! No!

[Cheering]

That takes care of tha--

[Squelch]

Oh, lordy, i'll be the first girl

Killed by a big, fat marshmallow since the chappaquiddick.

Ooh! Wha--

Aah!

[Yelling]

The mine is collapsing!

E! We're all gonna di

Quick. I know a shortcut.

♪♪ now is the time ♪♪

♪♪ now is the best time ♪♪

♪♪ now is the best time of your life ♪♪

Kids: yay!

On behalf of all the children,

I would like to thank you for freeing us from the cereal mines.

Ok. What will our new jobs be?

What you talkin' 'bout, child slave?

Well, we were making 3 cents an hour,

Which made us the richest people in africa.

Oh, dip. Our families will starve.

[Kids crying]

Guys, i guess i lost my way.

Thanks for giving an old sockbat like me

A second chance.

Yep, and i brought down the cereal industry.

Now to tackle those breakfast burrito jackasses.

Boy: oh, dip.

Captioned by the national captioning institute --Www.Ncicap.Org--

Chorus: ♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ hallelujah, hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ hal-Le-Lujah ♪♪

♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ hallelujah, hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ hal-Le-Lujah ♪♪

♪♪ for the lord god omnipotent ♪♪

♪♪ reigneth ♪♪

♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ for the lord god omnipotent ♪♪

♪♪ reigneth ♪♪

♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪

Men: ♪♪ hallelujah, hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪

[Vocalizing]

[Boom]