Original subtitles

All: happy 21st birthday, ling-Ling!

[Noisemaker]

Clara: oh, you'll love your cake.

I got it from a chinese pastry shop.

[Electric knife whirs]

Aah!

Fantastic decorations, xandir.

Nice touch having the balloons

Tied to your nipple rings.

[Thinking] i wish i had nipple rings.

I didn't get a single compliment

On where i put the banner.

[Farts]

Since it was ling-Ling's 21st birthday,

We made him do the traditional 21 shots.

One! One! One!

[Gasps]

2, 3... 2, 3... 2, 3...

After that, it was time for the traditional

21 doses of sweet georgia brown.

21! 21! 21!

Oh, no! Ling-Ling o.D.Ed somehow.

Still think birthdays are cool?

Dr. Wooldoor, help!

Oh, my god.

I need 10 ccs of adrenaline

And a cardiac needle right fucking now!

Uhh-Aah!

[Gasps]

[Speaking japanese]

Now all i need is your insurance card, and--

Oy, gevalt!

Ling-Ling's only 3 years old!

[All gasp]

Sorry, ling-Ling,

But as a pretend healthcare professional,

I'm legally required to call...

Child services.

No! [Thunder]

[Birds squawking]

[Whistling and mellow music playing]

Ah. [Laughs]

Ahh. Heh.

[Woman vocalizes]

Ohh.

Hero, narrating: i was getting pretty damn tired

Of that stupid xandir flaunting his stupid nipple rings.

. I couldn't take it anymore

I had to get a nipple ring of my very own,

So i consulted the hero computer.

A pig goes...

Oink-Oink.

We've discussed this pig-Emitting-Oinks issue,

And we've agreed to disagree.

A cow goes...

Moo-Moo.

Damn your superior intelligence.

I want a nipple ring now!

[Thunder]

Oh, check me out, assbags.

I've got a much cooler ring

Than that homo xandir.

Oink-Oink.

I'm going to show the whole world my new nipple ring.

Hero, i wouldn't go outside.

There's a dangerous electrical storm.

You're just jealous

Because i have 2 kinds of rings,

Nipple and worm.

Hello, world!

Who wants to see

My highly conductive--

Aah-Hah-Aah-Aah!

[Dramatic music playing]

[Doorbell]

[Gasps] child services.

Hero: aah-Hah-Hah-Hah-Hah-Hah!

Has it been 9 months already?

Actually, miss love, i'm here about...

Ling-Ling.

[Dramatic organ note] [all gasp]

This is a surprise twist.

But i'm telling you, we've very responsible guardians.

I beg to differ.

Thank you, dollar bin at blockbuster.

Observe.

Ling-Ling has been physically abused.

[Pounding]

Ohh! Aah! Ohh!

Aah!

He's been exposed to sexual situations.

[Grunts]

He's even been denied lasagna.

Ahh!

Ohh.

[Grunts]

From now on, your family is...

The foster care system.

[Thunder] [captain hero laughs]

No--

[Hums]

[Children grunting] [glass breaking]

Hero? Are you ok?

[Groans]

A disgusting pig? A homosexual?

G? Am i at prince charles' weddin

Boy: breaker, breaker. Anyone there?

Hero, what's going on with your nipple?

Oh, not too much. What's up with yours?

Hello. I'm a 12-Year-Old boy

Looking for a friend.

Really? I might be interested.

Do you have a donkey and a penis cutter?

No. All i have is this walkie-Talkie.

I'm majorly lonely here in smalltown.

Smalltown? That's where i grew up.

Well, if you're like everybody else here in 1986,

You probably wouldn't want to b e friends with me,

Because i'm from planet zebulon and wear spandex shorts.

1986?

Smalltown?

Zebulon?

Spandex shorts? [Flatulence]

Dude, this guy sounds like such a loser.

Hey,schmeckelhead,

I think that kid is you from the past.

Is that possible?

Can i actually be talking to me from the past?

Well, there's only one way to be sure.

Me from the past says what? Huh?

Close enough. It is me!

Wow. You're me from the future.

Radical-A-Rama.

This is totally tubular.

Not! Psych! I mean, not-Not to the max.

Wickety-Wack. For sure. Do the bartman!

[Squeaking]

[Creaks]

Shut your sassin' mouth.

To me, you're just a monthly check for newports.

Now, make yourself useful

And start scrubbin' out my old war wound.

[Gong plays]

[Flies buzzing] [sighs]

[Grunting and scrubbing]

[Man hocks] [squirting]

With our little chinese friend gone,

Things just weren't the same.

Our nails was unmanicured.

The zen garden was unraked.

[Bellows] [screams]

And now, our tibetans got way too much freedom.

Whoo-Hoo! Chug! Chug!

I got your dalai lama right here.

Living without an asian

Is like living with a jewish woman.

It's horrible, and i don't understand

How or why anybody would tolerate it.

Oh, we all miss ching-Chong,

But maybe foster care is the best place for him.

Foster care is evil, y'all,

And i should know,

'Cause all my children send me letters about it.

[Woman screams]

I'm gonna bring lang-Lang home.

I will not let another one of my loved ones

Go through the foster care system!

Yay!

Hey, xandir,

This blockhead will believe anything.

Oh, yeah. Sonny bono is now an olympic skier,

And nancy reagan still has the finest pair in town.

You are short-Circuiting my mind, johnny 5.

Will you stop lying to your 12-Year-Old self about the future?

Maybe instead of lying to him,

You should consider giving your past self some good advice.

Hmm. Advice, you say.

Yes, that is a great way to mess with him.

[Snorts] so, me from the past,

Do you still have that major crush on letta lame?

Because i know a way to get her to go to the barn dance with you.

Wow! Really? Funky fresh!

[Ling-Ling humming]

[Chewing]

Ohh!

Choir: ♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪ [squeals]

♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ ha-- ♪♪ [grunts]

[Flatulence]

Hey, get out of there!

Well, maybe i was, once.

But no one buys my rice no more.

These days, it's not cool

To buy anything from an old, black stereotype

Whose rice is flavored with mouse feces.

So you like my rice, huh?

Well, i'll be darned.

Boy, i gots to say, like the tumor in my brain,

You're beginnin' to grow on me.

Young hero: are you sure this is going to work?

After this, you're going to be so popular,

Letta will beg you to take her to the dance.

[Indistinct chatter]

Ok, then. I'm doing exactly what you said.

I got the sandwich, and i'm unzipping my pants.

Oh!

[Grunting]

Hey, leslie,

[Grunting]

I need a date to the barn dance,

And i was wondering if--

Are you fucking a hero sandwich?

[Screams]

You freak!

[All laughing]

From now on, let's call leslie captain hero.

[Static crackles]

In new england, he'd be captain grinder.

Burn! Ah ha ha!

What a loser.

Captain hero.

I almost forgot me own nickname.

[Laughing]

Foxxy, narrating: to rescue ling-Ling,

I had to break into the foster care system

By going undercover.

Unfortunately, it wasn't so easy.

The foxxy got bounced from one cartoon foster home to another.

[Gasps]

[Whispering] whatever you do,

Don't let him take your eyes.

[Grunting]

[Gasps]

I can transform. Observe.

Now you transform.

- But i can't trans-

I said transform.

[Gunshot]

Now, where's i supposed to sleep?

Hold up.

Is this some kind of joke?

That's it! Show yourself

Heh heh heh.

Ain't i an asshole?

Well, i did what you said,

And i funky cold medinaed that sandwich,

And now, i'm a laughingstock.

Oops. My bad.

I forgot sandwich fucking

Didn't become a fa d until 1987.

George michael made it popular.

Well, later.

Wait. What do i do now?

Ok, ok. It's not too late.

I know a way to change your nickname from captain hero

To captain guy who saves the day.

Here's what you do.

The night of the big dance,

Douse the barn with gasoline.

Then light a match and set the whole thing on fire.

[People screaming]

Uh, is now the part where i put out the fire

And save the day?

Even better. Now is the part

Where you take out a sandwich and you fuck it.

Um, ok. I sure hope this works.

I don't see how it couldn't.

[Snorting and laughing]

[Screams] help me!

Are you fucking a hero sandwich?

You freak!

[Screams]

♪♪ ♪♪ ling-Ling into battle go

[Indistinct chatter]

Jesus h. Snork.

You sure knows rice.

Ling-Ling, in these past few weeks with you,

My heart has softened, swelled, and lost nutrients,

Just like my crappy rice.

[Gasps]

, foster son, you's given me so much

I decided to give you the one thing

All chinese boys want, but can never have.

[Gasps]

Yep. And whoever foster care sends,

I's hope she knows what uncle benny likes the most about rice.

It knows when to shut the fuck up.

[Doorbell rings]

[Gasps]

Lang-Lang! I found you!

I been bouncin' all over

-- The foster care system lookin' for

Papa?

Foxxy, is that you

For real-Real, not for play-Play?

Uncle benny is my bilolasisul papa.

[Thunder]

Then how do you explain this?

[Thunder] [captain hero laughs]

Still think foster care's cool?

I can't believe my new foster child

Turned out to be my own daughter.

Oh, foxxyshaquaguafafaba,

I miss you like red beans miss a starchy complement.

[Both grunt]

If you miss me so much,

Then why come you left for cigarettes when i was 3

And never came back?

Oh, sweetie, it wasn't 'bout you.

It was your mother.

We just had different needs.

I wanted oral sex,

And she wanted to hoard squirrel carcasses.

But you can see i never stopped lovin' you...

Or your poor sister.

Well, it would be nice to have a parent.

All i gots left of mama are these fur wristbands...

And this merkin.

So i guess i forgives you, papa.

We need to get our celebrate on.

Oh, yeah. Let's go out and have the funnest day ever.

[Door closes]

[Clamoring]

Thanks to your bogus schemes,

I've been run out of town, and everyone hates me,

And i burned letta to death.

That was you?

You killed my childhood sweetheart.

I never got over her death!

You ruined my life!

I'm gonna go get my father's gun

And end it all right now.

You don't have the guts!

[Laughs and snorts]

Ah hoo hoo! Xandir, this has gotten so good.

You know that kid i've been fucking with?

Um, yeah. You mean you?

Yes. It turns out he's unstable.

Why are you looking at me?

Uh, because you're talking to me.

Then why won't you listen?

Anyhoo, that kid is totally gonna kill himself.

Up high!

[Scoffs] you idiot!

If he kills himself, you'll disappear.

Hmm.

[Gasps] oh, no! My sandwich-Holding hand!

Oh, we had a blast.

We went to the rice museum, slash holocaust memorial,

And daddy got me this awesome t-Shirt.

Never forget...

E. To salt the water before boilin' the ric

And we also had our entire family

Painted onto a single grain of rice in jew blood.

[Gasps]

Daddy, would you close that window?

It's gettin' whiny in here.

At least i ain't adopted.

Repeat people much?

Repeat people much?

Repeat people much?

Oh, looky there. I'm out of cigarettes.

I best be gettin' down to the store and pick up a pack.

Back in a couple of minutes, kids.

Repeat people much?

Oh, i almost forgot my, uh...

Cigarette money.

Repeat people much?

Repeat people much?

And my tickets.

Repeat people much?

To flavor country. Mmm.

Where are you, leslie?

Come on, pick up. Pick up.

F! Don't kill yoursel

Why should i listen to you?

You ruined my life!

[Sighs] listen, broham.

I admit i was totally messing with you.

I thought i was being funny,

But it turns out i was only being hurtful.

Please, leslie, forgive me.

If you can't forgive yourself,

Who can you forgive?

[Grunt]

[Screaming]

All right. I forgive you.

I'm just glad this is all over.

Ohh! And the worst part is...

There really is a sweet way to bone-Storm a sandwich.

[Screams] there is?

Ah, yeah, but it's just as well.

♪♪ you're too young to handle it ♪♪

No, i'm not. Show me. I can do it.

Yes! Ok, first i'll need to examine your technique.

Here's what you do.

Take a picture of yourself screwing a sandwich

And bury it under the town oak tree

So i can find it here in the future.

Ice, ice, baby.

What is wrong with you, hero?

Wh-Why are you being so mean to your 12-Year-Old self?

Why? I'll tell you why.

Because when i was that age,

Some asshole did the same exact thing to me,

And i swore someday i would get sweet revenge

By doing it to some other 12-Year-Old loser.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a picture of a penis in a sandwich waiting for me.

Hyah!

[Grunts]

Aw, don't you worry. Papa's comin' back.

Papa loves me.

[Sighs]

Well, at least we gots each other,

And we can do all the things that a real family can do.

We can go get our nails did.

I can press out that hair like nobody business...

[Faint talking continues]

Later.

Ohh. Don't worry, foxxy.

Ling-Ling's comin' back.

Ling-Ling loves me.

[Screaming]

Oh, this is the best picture of a prick i've had

Since i sold my cal ripken jr. Rookie card.

[Weapons click] put up your hands, sicko.

Holy cannoli!

Yeah, that's right, pervert.

It's a sting. We've been waiting here for 20 years

For you to pick up that kiddie porn.

[Laughs] looks like i win.

I knew you were messing with me again,

But i outsmarted you. Serves you right for wanting to see

A young boy's penis in a sandwich. Face!

Take him away, boys.

Aww! Can i least keep the photo?

It's the only picture i have of my penis before the accident.

Accident? What accident?

Never you mind. We are done talking, nipple.

As an asshole on a walkie-Talkie

Once said to me when i was 12,

Go screw a garbage disposal!

A garbage disposal?

Oh, say, that might feel pretty good.

Oh, yeah, baby.

I'm going to walk like an egyptian.

Na-Nu na-Nu.

Ooh. What is this switch for?

[Grinding] aah!

[Static crackles]

[Liquid squirts]

[Flatulating]

[Sputtering]

[Flatluence stops]

[Flatulating]

[Sputtering]