All language subtitles for wdtdaf

You're a fucking nerd.

Boy, you lucky you even graduating.

Fuck!

- You're good at this, huh?
- Yeah.

- You're really good at this.
- Yeah.

Hey, you want to be friends?

Yours isn't loaded, right?

- Just touch it.
- I'm scared.

- Just touch it.
- Seriously. All right, all right, all right.

You took a bullet for me, man.

You shot me in the dick!

Boom, motherfuckers!

You two sons of bitches
are going to college!

Yin is characterised as slow, soft, passive
and is associated with water and femininity.

While, yang, by contrast,
is fast and solid and...

Man, this is BS. I thought we were going
to actual college, not online college.

Listening for coded
messages in lectures.

What are you talking about?
Look around.

This is our city.

- What do we want to be in college for?
- You're right.

Partners for life.

At Metro City Port, the tide comes in at
10:30 a.m. Then it will return to the sea.

Metro Port. One hour.

Let's do this.

Surprise. There's two more arms.

- Shit! That's the Ghost.
- The Ghost?

Jöste Nillsen, biggest trafficker
of illegal goods in Metro City.

He teamed up with a Mexican cartel and
they're running all this shit through the port.

What the hell are we
supposed to be buying?

I don't know.

What are you doing?

I got a new identity that's gonna be killer.
I'll be throwing it to you to make it legit.

Okay.

I'm gonna need you
to improvise. Okay?

- I don't want to improvise.
- I'm gonna need you to improvise.

I suck at improvising.
I don't want to do it.

I need absolute silence
while I fall into character.

- Can you give me a head start on...
- I need absolute... I need absolute silence.

- Can you please...
- Absolute silence.

Are you fucking serious right now?

All right. I hate
people who are late.

We're trying to see that product.

Shit!

Yo, Sleepy! What's up, homie?

You know my cousin, Sad Boy.

I think you got the wrong guy, homes.

That's bullshit, man! You Sleepy!

Everyone say in the barrio, "Sleepy,
he like the Mexican Wolverine" and shit.

Hey, my partner here,
he want to see the product.

Why ain't he talking?

My name is Jeff.

That's Jeffe, man.

Tell 'em about Mousie's
quinceañera, man.

Tell 'em about that crazy
adventure you guys had.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Man, when you were telling the story
last night, you had so much detail!

The detail was so rich!
It was rich detail!

Go into incredibly descriptive details
of the story, so we all know.

Oh, yes.

It was Dora and Diego

and Swiper.

Swiper?

Who was that you choked out, man?
He had it coming! Who was that?

Boots.

No, man, that wasn't Boots!
Boots isn't a real name!

You got to tell them
the real story, man.

Start over from the top.

That's a made-up name.

I can't believe the punks I
have to deal with these days.

It really makes me miss the '90s,

when we had professionals around.

You want to check out the goods?

Check it out.

And shut up. Right?

Where'd you find this gringo, man?

At the fucking Mumford &
Sons concert and shit?

What is it? Guns? Drugs?

No! No!

- Dude!
- It's gross!

It's inking in my mouth!

I'll get it off.

Its tentacle is eating me!

It's so strong!
It's really on there, man.

It's biting my face!

Shit!

Black market exotic animals,
just like we expected to be in there.

The accents are gone?

Take them out, guys. They're cops.

- What was that?
- I don't know! I think we're moving.

We're definitely moving!

There's fucking birds and shit
in here! There's actual shit!

What the fuck?

There's a fucking dragon in here!

Shit!

What was that?

Dude, that was our car.
We shared so much in that car!

I'm going to shoot them in the face
for that! That was our fucking car!

What are you doing?

Don't Teen Wolf on the truck!
Don't leave me here alone!

- Then get up here!
- I can't do that!

Then fucking climb around.
Come on, climb around.

Let's go. Come on, buddy. You got it.

This is so scary!

Shoot him!

Don't leave me out here!

- I'm all out.
- You stupid moron!

That's it. Come on.

- Fucking get up here. Come on.
- Fuck!

- All right, you good?
- Yeah!

- All you got to do is walk now, okay?
- Okay.

Shit!

What the fuck are you doing?
Get up here!

I can't!

All right, fine,
I guess I'll just drag you.

I'm gonna die!

You're not gonna die.
Just get the fuck up here!

Pull yourself up here.

Use your core!

You got it, you got it.
Come on, come on. Yeah!

All right. Think you can
stand on your own now?

Yes!

I think we lost them.

Shit!

He's the fucking Terminator!

That's fucking dangerous!

You are under arrest!

Pull the truck over!

I said pull the fucking truck
over right fucking now!

You owe me a car, and it'd better be
a fucking Lamborghini, you bitch!

I did it!

You have the right to remain silent.

Shit!

Holy Moses!

Shit.

- What happened?
- I think they got away.

Is that a hickey?

This was actually an
octopus-related incident.

I'd opened a crate and the
octopus had leapt onto my face.

Apparently, they have
many, many arms.

- They have eight tentacles.
- Yes, and...

Look, ladies, nobody gave a shit about the
Jump Street reboot when you first came on.

Anyone with half a brain, myself included,
thought it was destined to fail spectacularly.

But you got lucky.

So now this department has invested

a lot of money to make sure
Jump Street keeps going.

We've doubled their budget.

As if spending twice the money
guaranteed twice the profit.

Like that's going to work.

Yeah. Well, the commissioner's
convinced this debacle happened

because you weren't doing the
same undercover student thing

you did the first time.

She doesn't get that it's always
worse the second time around.

You settle into worn-out roles.
One gets possessive, the other runs away.

You begin a slow, painful unravelling,
as all the good things that came before

begin to be crushed by the
trash compactor of sadness.

That doesn't sound like us. I mean...

I'm getting a divorce.

We don't want to do the same thing.

We want to burst through our ceiling.

And you're gonna find another ceiling
and you got to bust through that one,

and you just got to keep
hammering ceilings.

Okay, okay, okay.

What if we actually went
into the Secret Service

and, like, tried to
protect the White House?

- I think...
- I don't think that would work.

I'm going to ask you to stop talking.

I thought it was a pretty good idea.

Do the same thing as last
time, everyone's happy.

I can't believe the Koreans
bought their church back.

Yeah. Good thing there was an even bigger
abandoned church directly across the street.

- Yeah. That's convenient.
- Yes, it is convenient.

Next year, we'll probably just be right
back across the street. Just next door.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

We're not ahead of ourselves.
We're right next to each other.

This is awesome. Like,
way more expensive for no reason.

Look at Dickson's office.
Looks like a giant cube of ice.

How you bitches like Jump Street now?

Hey!

Y'all see this shit?

22 Jump Street is the lick.

And I got a big-ass raise to
babysit you two fuckers again.

Designed it myself.
We got an espresso bar.

- I'm thinking about a shark tank over there.
- I like sharks.

Fuck a 21 Jump Street,
and fuck a Korean Jesus.

Cap, come on,
Korean Jesus is right there.

That's Vietnamese Jesus.
See, this a Vietnamese church.

You racist, sacrilegious
sack of shit.

Look at that. Vietnamese
Jesus just dripping swagoo.

And we got some new dumb-ass interns.

Hey, hey! Look alive!

- Boys.
- Yo, Jenko.

Hey, Schmidt!

Don't do that.

So, they want the same
shit, so here we go.

Same identities.

Same assignment.

We're going back to high school?

Your ass look like you about 50.

- You're going to MC State.
- We're going to college for real?

Somebody's out there,
they're cooking up a new drug.

It's Adderall mixed with Ecstasy
mixed with God knows what else.

"Wipey"?

No, you dumb motherfucker. "WhyPhy."

Stands for "Work Hard? Yes.
Play Hard? Yes."

Now, these kids take this shit,

and they get laser-focused for
about four hours of studying,

and then they party
like it's goddamn 1999.

Who's this?

That's Cynthia Watson.

She was a student at MC State.

She took some WhyPhy,

got locked out of her dorm,
ended up falling off the roof.

And now she's dead.

That's her buying drugs on campus.
And that's the dealer.

Find him and we find the supplier.

Sir, can I just say,

it is so refreshing to have
a case with a black victim.

I mean, we care so much
more because she's black.

I think what he's really trying
to say is that we care equally.

It's a tie, really, how much we care.

No, we're not. If it was a white
person, I wouldn't even care.

One less cracker-ass
cracker to worry about.

Why every time you speak
I want to throw the fuck up?

Infiltrate the dealer,
find the supplier.

You all right?

Yeah.

It's just...

I'm the first person in my family
to pretend to go to college.

Best part is we get
to do it together.

What's up, college?

- What's up, bro?
- We're 322.

Fuck high school, right?

Fuck high school.

So tight!

This is so baller!

Beds... Shit.

Dope. That looks like cum.

That's cum. Okay. All right.

Already got cum on
the mattress, dawg.

- Welcome to college.
- Fuck, yeah.

Hilarious shirt that
signals we drink alcohol.

Some bacon machine
that my mom got me.

I do not understand how it works.

It's true.

Super high-tech police gear.

Carte blanche with the
budget, motherfucker.

I'm going to veto that poster.
It's a touch childish.

Okay. What do Lambos have
to do with touching children?

Lambos are lame.

I get one choice.
I get one thing that I'm not...

We have to agree.
You know what I mean?

What up, fellas? We're your
across-the-hall neighbours.

- Hey, there's two of you.
- You're twins.

What's up, man?

We're the Yangs, man.
Kenny Yang. What's up?

Keith Yang.

- What's going on?
- What's going on?

Did you say the Yangs?

- Yeah, Dad's Chinese, man.
- Our mom's not Chinese. She's black.

She's like real black.

- Like Wesley Snipes black.
- Exactly.

W3'r3 br0thers, too.

- No. He's not kidding. He's serious.
- Really?

- What?
- Like, one of y'all older?

Yeah, 'cause you got crow's feet
under your eyes, man. You specifically.

We're actually just
normal college age.

I mean, even if you're a little
older, that's cool, man,

because, you know,
girls here love older dudes.

That's true.

Plus, there's mad
fuckable girls here.

- Mad fuckable.
- Especially during spring break.

I love spring break.
But I do have to say,

I've fucked a thousand girls by now
and I don't know, at the end of the day,

you just kind of want something
that's just a little deeper really.

Yeah, balls deeper.
Jinx. Buy me a Coke.

Snap, we're still saying the
same thing. This is amazing!

Carrots. Pumpernickels.
Glow sticks. Twins!

- That's dope, dude.
- That's so sick.

That's crazy. We have that
brother connection, too.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

- Pirates! Baby feet!
- Paper clips! Bananas!

- Sun! Anger!
- I don't know! Words!

- Quicksand!
- Shoes!

- That's hip-hop, man.
- Awesome.

That's great.

It's gonna be super fun.
All right? Same as last time.

Dude, if it's like last time,

you're gonna have an awesome time,
and it's gonna suck for me.

No. You're gonna have an awesome time,
too, because I'm gonna make sure of it.

You took a bullet for me.

That's right, I did, and it
sucked, but I'd do it again.

No way. It's my turn.
I owe you a life debt.

Co-ed bathrooms.

What? Shit.

I'm not gonna take a shit
the entire time I'm here.

I know.

- Hey.
- How you doing?

Hey.

- What's up?
- 'Sup?

Just exhausted from inventing Facebook
or whatever website people our age use.

They still have books? I thought they
just put the books inside the computers.

Yeah, I guess the kids just use
the stacks to hide and have sex.

So we'll go to all Cynthia's classes and
activities, ask around about the drug

and find out who the dealer is.

- Yeah, it's just like last time.
- Exactly like last time.

Dude, in Human Sexuality,

do you get to fuck or do you
just get to watch people fuck?

Neither.

What the fuck am I
taking it for, then?

Now, obviously, we've all
heard this statement before,

"First impressions are important."

I've got a first impression for you.

Oh, y'all like psychology?

Tracy Morgan.

Nobody?

Work hard, play hard, am I right?

You looking for some WhyPhy?

Yeah, man, that'd be sick.

Go to the police station,

walk in and ask your captain
to see the evidence room

'cause you're a fucking narc.

I think you're mistaken.

You're literally wearing your badge.

Did you really just check to see
if you were wearing your badge?

This guy's a fucking cop.

I didn't look down.

"Wait, Professor Jacobs, doesn't
history happen a long time ago?"

Well, history happens...

This class is such a gut.

Hey, you guys play football?

No, this is actually my laptop.

Yeah, I'm taking notes right now.

I'm kidding. It's a football.

Mr McQuaid?

Covalent bonds.

What has been the result
of the War on Drugs?

Why would you ask me? I'm not a cop.

Because this is a college seminar,
and that's how college seminars work.

Professor gets into a lively
conversation with the student.

Friction creates fire,
and that leads to lessons learned.

Well, it's definitely harder to get drugs.
I can personally tell you that.

The average price of cocaine has
dropped 70% in the last 30 years.

Then your dealer's probably selling
you some pretty stepped-on shit.

Mr McQuaid,
college is a wonderful place.

This is where you get to
decide who you actually are,

instead of the person that you're
clearly pretending to be right now,

which everyone sees
through, by the way.

You got to decide, "Do I just
keep doing the same thing,

"or am I gonna choose a different
path and question my convictions?"

I don't have any prior convictions.

Why are you saying this stuff?

That's exactly the answer
I wanted, Mr McQuaid!

I want you to question
what I'm saying.

This is the basis of this whole course,
and that's the beauty of college.

You can say whatever you want.

You can be whatever you want.

I mean, I have tenure. I can
really say whatever I want.

George Washington
was a black lesbian.

The Eiffel Tower is made of dildos.

They can't fire me.
I'm indestructible.

I'm sleeping with two of my students.
Her and her. I actually am.

Now, just like you did before,

I want you right now to
say whatever you want.

Say whatever you want.

Fieto.

"Fieto," not a word,
but I'm gonna accept it.

You can do whatever you want
with your life, Mr McQuaid.

The only way you can fail this class
is by not becoming who you truly are.

Please respond to my text.

Okay, we got time for just
one more improv game.

For this one, we need a ton
of different suggestions.

So, we just need you guys to fill in the
blank in a sentence that we're gonna set up.

So it'll go like this.
I'm so hungry, I wish I had a...

- Tampon!
- Okay, but we want...

We want it to be actual food so that
it, like, makes sense with the game.

It's more fun that way.
So, let's try it one more time.

I've got to get home
so I can feed my...

Boner!

You know what?
Let's just play the game, okay?

All right, so what would you...

Hey, that girl's in my psych class.

Damn, she's hot. Go talk to her.

You come talk to her with me.

Stop being a pussy
and go talk to her. Go.

All right, all right.

Coming to the stage, we got...

J. Bohnes, aka...

- Hey.
- Hi.

I think we're in the
same psych class.

Yeah. Hi.

Yeah.

"Pills! Pills! Bills! Pills!

"Bills! A sign of the
times that rhymes

"Amanda Bynes

"Drop that Raggedy Andy circus

"Circle jerkus..."

- You guys are the improv guys, right?
- Yeah.

- That's cool.
- You're the guy with the terrible suggestions.

- Yeah, yeah. You're welcome, man.
- Yeah.

Thanks, guys. Lady J is
gonna be up next for you.

Cynthia, that girl who died, she used
to come here all the time, right?

This piece is called Areolas.

Did you know her?

Yeah, she lived across
the hall from me.

- Yeah?
- So why do you care so much?

I'm... I'm writing a...

"Greedy man hands!"

...a slam poem in her honour.

Early stages, very early stages.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

Wouldn't it be better

just to, like, plan the stuff out
ahead of time, make sure it's funny,

and then not say it in front of
people and embarrass yourself?

That's a thing that people do.
That's stand-up comedy.

That's probably what you should
do, because that stuff's funny.

"My brown nipple will produce
white milk during lactation..."

What do you think of this?

I actually think it's
really powerful.

That's cool that you said that, 'cause I
actually thought it was really powerful, too,

when the one girl was talking
about her nips and shit.

Okay, does anybody have
anything they want to share?

Let's see what you got.

Any more poets in the audience?

- I...
- I mean, do you really do poetry?

I do, and I will.

- I got somebody.
- What?

Okay, we got somebody.
All right, give it up, guys.

- Yeah!
- Okay.

- Just go up there.
- All right, okay.

- Okay.
- No pressure.

- You'll see, it's good.
- Yeah!

This is a work in progress.

So...

"Slam poetry!

"Yelling!

"Angry!

"Waving my hands a lot!

"Specific point of view on things

"Cynthia!

"Cynthia

"Jesus died for our Sin-thee-uhs

"Jesus cried

"Runaway bride

"Julia Roberts!

"Julia Rob

"Hurts

"Cynthia!

"Cynthia

"You're dead
You are dead

"You're dead"

That's for Cynthia, who's dead.

I don't have a single lead.

I do. I hear you can get WhyPhy
on campus anywhere 24/7.

Do you think they mean WhyPhy
the drug or Wi-Fi like the internet?

What...

Fuck you, brain.

How did we find the dealers
so easy the first time?

Well, his number was
literally on a sticker.

Well, let's go find
this guy's sticker.

I don't think this guy does stickers.

Well, we need help.
We need to consult an expert.

Yo, dude, you shot
him in the dick, dude.

- I got him in the dick.
- Yep.

"Shot him in the dick."

if it isn't Turner
and Hooch, in the flesh.

Holy shit, you are looking fit.

Hey, you should get some
tips from this guy.

He's looking good.
Look at those pectoral muscles.

That's the kind of definition
I want out of you, man.

- What's up, Eric?
- Hey.

Mr Walters, we should...

Or I should apologise for...

For shooting my penis off?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Don't sweat it, brother.
I'm liberated. Totally.

You know they gave me a vagina?

It's awesome.
You guys want to see it?

- No, no, no, no!
- No, no, no.

- That's fine.
- All right. Eric's seen it.

Eric's been all up in that shit.
Isn't that right, Eric?

You guys got to get me
the fuck out of here.

Hey, guess what.

I'm Eric's bitch.

No, you're not.

Yes! I am!

I'm your bitch.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, honey.

I didn't mean that.
You know that, right?

I am such a bitch when
Aunt Flo shows up.

It bleeds so much, it's crazy.

It's like the elevator doors
opening in The Shining.

Your vagina doesn't
fucking work, man.

Worked for you last night.

You are so clearly forcing
Eric into this relationship.

Eric, am I forcing you into anything?

- Yes.
- See?

Look, they sent us in undercover at a college
to find the dealer of this new synthetic,

and no one will tell us anything.

That's 'cause you guys look
like fucking narcs, all right?

College kids aren't dumb like Eric.

I was supposed to go to Berkeley.

Well, they gave us a picture,
so we do have that.

Well, that's your lead, motherfucker!
That's what you start with.

I know, but we can't see his face,
so we don't know who it is.

"We don't know who it is.

"I'm Schmidt. My pants
are filled with doody."

That's you.

That doesn't sound anything like me.

You sort of sound like that.

That doesn't sound anything like me.

"That doesn't sound
anything like me."

it's not not you.

That doesn't sound anything like me!

Eric! Close your eyes and tell
me who's talking right now.

That's Schmidt being a little bitch.

That's just not a good impression.

Nice job, super sleuths.

Did you even bother to look
at the fucking picture?

Yeah.

There's a reflection right here.

Your fucking guy's got a tattoo.

Find the tattoo, find the dealer.

Fuck, man, I don't know. I do a lot
of stupid tattoos to drunk kids.

Do you remember that stupid tattoo?

A bazooka?

Think I might have did it on a football player.
Guy with a red Mohawk. I don't know.

They all start to
look the same to me.

I think I know exactly
who he's talking about.

Fuck you!

Fuck you, you little walk-on fuck!

I can't, like, move
around in these things.

God, I love walk-on day!

Fuck, yeah.

That's a weird time to be Q-tipping.

You're all fucking pussies!

- Dude, you don't have to do this.
- What?

- I just don't want you to get hurt.
- I'm not gonna get...

Shit.

- Dude, I am so sorry.
- It's all right, man. Don't worry about it, man.

- Are you sure? All right...
- Yeah.

- Shit.
- I got it.

- Okay, I got it, I got it.
- That's fine.

- I'll get it.
- No, no, let me get it, let me get it.

- No, I got it. Let me just get it.
- No, let me get it.

- I got it, I got it.
- Let's just...

Dude, I'm sorry. I got my
Q-tip in your meat, bro.

No, man, I got my...
I got my meat in your Q-tip.

It's like a whole new
type of sandwich.

Like, a meat Q-tip.

Like a meat-qute.

That's funny.

Hey, you guys want
some of this sandwich?

It's a meat-qute sandwich.

Me and this guy are
having a meat-qute.

You're hilarious, dude.
What's your name?

- Brad. Wait...
- Brad.

Yeah, yeah, it's Brad.

- I'm Zook. Nice to meet you.
- Zook.

Nice to meet you, too, man.

Blue 20!

Blue 20!

Set, hut!

You love walk-on day now?

Your arm all right? You want
to take that sleeve off?

No, I'm good.

Dude, holy shit, bro.
Great fucking catch, dude.

Sweet throw, dude.

If you see that safety line up
that deep, though, hit me quicker.

Yeah, I didn't know you had
wheels like that, bro.

It's funny, 'cause he's
my brother. So...

Hey, you know, we have
this rush party at Zeta.

I don't know if it's your thing,

but I thought, you know,
you could come by and meet the guys.

It'd be really fun, I think.

- Great.
- Yeah, maybe we will.

Are you guys, like, together?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, this is my bro.

That's... Funny, dude. You're funny.

Really? Okay.

Yeah, man, sure.
You, too, you can come, too.

We'll see what we can do.

Also, I said a bunch of stuff earlier
that you didn't acknowledge...

- Great catch.
- Cool, yeah.

- See you then.
- So you won't address that?

What the fuck's up with that guy?

All we have to do now is
rush the frat long enough

to confirm that Rooster
has that bazooka tattoo.

Look, man, do you think
it's cool if you come?

'Cause, I mean,
he kind of really just asked me.

I just don't want to start off
on the wrong foot with this guy.

Dude, you're tripping.
We do everything together.

You should lose the
puka shells, though.

Things are different since
you didn't go to college.

Yo, Brad! What's up, dude?

- Same puka, dude.
- You got the same... Puka bros.

Holy shit!

Look at him, it's,
like, all the same.

Dude, you wear pants, too?

- What? Bros, man.
- Dude.

I knew we were gonna be
connected, just like that.

Yeah, why don't you guys
just tie your dicks together

and get married, right, Rooster?

Rooster. What's up, bro?

You look good, man.

What's up, Rooster?

- How you doing, man?
- Digging the puka.

Thanks, dude. I can't
believe it's the same...

How you doing, Rooster?

Rooster is getting some pop.
Why don't you go check him out?

- You in the zone, bro?
- In the fucking zone, dude.

Hey. What's up?

What's up? I'm Rooster.

Yeah, no.

We've met before.

Really? I don't remember that at all.
You must just have a really plain face.

Yeah. They call me Ol' Plain Face.

They call you that?

So, do you have any body art
or, like, any ink I could see?

That's a pretty random question.

Hey, anyway, it was so nice
chatting with you, man.

Nice to meet you, man.

- Yo, what the fuck, bro?
- Yo, what the fuck are you doing, dude?

- You serious right now?
- You...

You're being weird.

You've been weird.

It was just like, "What am I hearing?

- "What am I hearing right now?"
- And the psychic told you that?

- Yo.
- That is so crazy, dude.

- Hey, dude, you want to go see the roof?
- Fuck yeah, I want to see the roof, dude.

Come on, let's go, let's go. Come on.

Come on to the roof,
come on to the roof. Let's go.

Come on, you can do it.
Come on, come on, come on!

I miss climbing so much.
Come on, let's go. Come on.

All right...

One more time.

I'm just gonna go home.

I don't know parkour, so...

All right.

Hey, Maya Angelou!

Poetry, okay. I got it.

Make fun of the poetry major.

So, I guess you have no interest
in having a real job in the future.

- Absolutely not.
- No, right?

What about you?

I'm an art major.

Okay. So you definitely cannot
talk any shit, 'cause...

- No, I can't. I cannot.
- ...you're never gonna make any money.

I'm never gonna make any money,
so don't tell my parents, but...

When I talk to your parents tonight,
I will not tell them about your major.

- Okay, thank you.
- You're welcome.

All right, art major.

What do you think about that?

I would say that

it's these two beings

leaning up against each
other in perfect balance.

If one were to fall,
they would just lose each other.

So it's just about support.

You can't admit that it looks
exactly like testicles?

That's exactly what it looks like.

So, is there someone
who supports you?

No, I'm just one of those people that
really likes to spend time with myself.

Tell me about it.

I love to be alone.
I am, like, the best at it.

I just love when you're
sitting there in a room,

and you're just there
with your thoughts,

and you're like, "Oh, my gosh, I'm alone.
Would anyone ever love me?" or whatever.

And, like, "Do I know anyone who would care
if I just ever came out of this room or not?"

Or whatever and, like...

- I don't know. It's just peaceful. I just like it.
- Yeah.

Well, if you don't want to be alone tonight,
we are gonna go hang out at the art building,

if you want to come.

Okay, okay.

Okay. Okay.

I expected tonight would go in a
way that you wouldn't expect,

but what I didn't expect was tonight would
go in the exact way that you would expect.

- You know what I mean?
- Totally.

So you guys hang out here a lot?

Yeah. I mean, we're not into the
whole frat party kind of stuff.

We like to sit around,
just drink some good wine

and talk about some important stuff.

Banging bitches and getting
wasted all fucking day.

Those are, like, two of my
favourite things to do.

You are, like, a slightly
less attractive version of...

- Picasso?
- Picasso.

- Right? I've been told that before.
- You read my mind.

What?

That's Cynthia Watson's room.

It's only 2:00. I thought it was late.
Do you want to come in?

It's only 2:00? I usually go to
dinner at, like, 2:00 a.m., so...

Sure, yeah, why not?

I'm gonna do it. I just got
to get it at the right angle.

- Dude, stop.
- Stupid fucking goalpost!

It's impossible.
You can't fucking do it.

The fans used to rush the field after
every win and tear down the goalposts,

and Coach hated it.
And so he cemented them in.

They storm the field, and still do it,
but they just bounce around.

Fuck this goalpost, bro!

You guys might want to hold on,
'cause this shit is coming down.

Yo, what is that? The tattoo,
what's that right there?

This?

It's my old high school team.
The Plainview Red Herrings.

Look at it swim.

- Shit.
- What?

Shit, that's a really
outside-of-the-box

high school mascot.

Hold on, guys.

Hey, why don't you
come to practice today?

I mean, you're obviously good
enough to play on the team.

Look, I'm not supposed to
be here to play football.

What?

I'm just here to do my assignments
and get out, that's it.

I mean, yeah, school's
important or whatever,

but when I was throwing
you those passes,

it was like I knew where you were
gonna be before you went there.

You know, I had this, like, vision of
me throwing bullet TDs to you, dude,

and then all these fans
just started going, like...

"Zook! McQuaid! Zook! McQuaid!"

And they were chanting and chanting,
and then the goalposts came down.

Dude?

I have had that exact vision,
like, my entire life.

- Dude.
- Dude.

- Bro?
- Bro.

- Dude.
- Bro.

Dude.

Like, well, we fucking can, bro.
All you gotta do is join the team.

- Yeah. Why not?
- Yes!

- Fuck yeah, dude.
- Fuck yeah, dude.

- What's that?
- My tattoo.

Yeah, fuck, look.

Look, it's me, Zook.

Got a fucking bazooka for an arm.
Know what I mean?

Dude, I'm so fucking pumped you're
gonna be on this fucking team, bro.

Yep.

What's up with it?

- How you doing?
- Hi. Good.

How was the...

How was the sex for you?
It was fun for me. It was a good time.

- Yeah, right.
- I enjoyed it.

Yeah.

This is why I don't drink.

Hey. How you doing?

I'm fine.

I mean, I'm not listening to you
guys fornicate all night long.

- Thrusting and pumping.
- Okay.

I thought your hip
popped out at one point.

I'm just saying, it's,
like, all fun and games,

and then you wake up in bed
next to a 40-year-old freshman.

I'm 19, so...

Nineteen minutes late to pinochle,

where you're meeting your
old friends in the park?

Yeah, that's what I meant.

Oh, my gosh, Maya, look at him.
He's still so sharp. That's so inspiring.

Tell us about the war,
any one of them.

You're, like, the loudest
climaxer I've ever heard.

It was, like, the sound of, like, a 30-year-old
sprinkler finally going off for the first time.

Okay, well, so lovely
talking with you.

You're a lovely person.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, my God.

She seems nice.

She's horrible.

God.

She was Cynthia's roommate,

and I felt bad for her, so I
told her I would room with her.

So...

So you probably have a bunch of
stuff that you have to do today.

- Right?
- No.

Okay.

Look, I just want you to know I'm not,
like, a "hit it and quit it" type of fella.

I'm, like, a "hit it, continue to hit it both
physically and emotionally" kind of guy, so...

Hey, Doug, you're not gonna
be weird about this, are you?

- No.
- I mean, you're cool with just hooking up?

Yeah. I mean, no. I mean,
I'm glad you said something.

'Cause I don't even know if
I like you when I'm sober.

No, I know, and it's like,
that doesn't even hurt, like, at all.

Okay, so...

I'm gonna... I'm gonna split.
I'll text you later.

Great, that was great sex.
You're good at it.

And I'll text you, three to
five minutes or something?

All right.

What the fuck is this?

This is bullshit.

Are you two fucking
around at school again?

Hey, we got to pay for this shit.

- We need results!
- No, no, no.

Look, we are looking aggressively
for this very specific tattoo.

Or the tattoo could
just be a dead end.

What the fuck? It's the same case!

Do the same thing.

Well, it's not exactly
the same case, 'cause

one of us got laid last night.

Schmidt?

Don't wake up my dick.

Flew in on the red-eye,
hasn't gotten a wink of sleep.

Damn.

We're talking missionary.

We're talking when I'm on
top and she's on her back.

She's smart, she's an art major.

She can't be that smart.
She's a fucking art major.

- Come on.
- I will give you some daps, Schmidt.

- Give me some motherfucking daps, man!
- Come on, give me some.

- Give me some.
- Come on!

My Human Sexuality class
is blowing my mind.

Did you know I used gay
slurs in high school?

Yes, directed at me.

Dude, I am so sorry for
being a homophone.

Are we gonna talk about how weird
you were today with Dickson?

Look, I don't think the tattoo
means what you think it means.

I mean, for all we know, a lot of
people could have that tattoo.

This tattoo?
This absurdly specific tattoo?

Name one other person who has this.

For starters, Zook has it.

Zook has the tattoo?

I think it's pretty popular.

What the fuck? We've been
looking for this tattoo for days!

Do you understand this
means Zook is the dealer?

I really want you guys to hang out.

We have hung out.
He's completely ignored me.

I'm sorry, but we're gonna have
to investigate your new BFF.

We're gonna put cameras everywhere,

and we're gonna monitor the
fuck out of what he's doing.

We can't just walk into Zeta house and just
put up a bunch of fucking cameras, okay?

There's dudes there everywhere.
All right, your plan is stupid. I'm sorry.

- My plan is stupid? That's interesting.
- What... Okay.

I'm, like, basically done fucking
watching your shit all the fucking time.

Okay, yeah, exactly.
I'm the fucking stupid one. Yeah.

That's really fucking stupid.

Man, it must be hard
being so different.

We're exactly the same.
It makes everything so much easier.

Guys, can you just
give us some space?

We're really trying to figure something
out, and we need to focus, okay?

You're not gonna have
trouble focusing, man.

Yeah, man, those Krispie
treats got mad WhyPhy in them.

We made a batch for
the whole dorm, man.

I've eaten six of these.

- Then you're gonna be real focused.
- Be real focused.

In about four hours,
you're gonna be tripping.

- You're fine.
- You're gonna be all right, man.

Who sold you WhyPhy?

Nobody sold it to us.

Yeah, man,
Cynthia gave us a butt load,

and in exchange, we wrote
her logic paper for her.

- All right.
- All right, man, we'll see you guys later.

Enjoy the food.

Maybe this is a good thing.

Since we're gonna be really focused,

let's use that focus to figure out
a way to get into Zook's house.

- You feel anything?
- No. Do you feel anything?

No, but I have a super
high tolerance for...

I'm so focused.

I'm so focused, too.

- You don't have to be on top of me.
- Yes, I do.

- Why?
- Camouflage.

Go.

Let's go.

No fucking way.

Okay, so no? Dane? All right.

Out, all right.

- Bull's-eye.
- Bingo.

That helmet looks kind of lame.

You know what's not lame?

Safety.

What are you doing?

I'm cutting glass.

It's a laser pointer.

- It can't cut glass.
- What?

That's no fun at all.

- I'm so focused.
- Let's do this.

- Give me another.
- I don't have any more cameras.

- You don't need to drill so many holes.
- Yeah, okay.

Yeah, that one's perfect.
Okay, you can do that one.

I don't have any more cameras.
I've said it five times.

- All right. Okay.
- That's the last of 'em.

Time to prove that Zook's the dealer.

Or not the dealer.

Next up is Brad McQuaid.

Right? Yes.

Yes!

Obviously, right? I mean, the guy's...
The guy's all-time. You guys, let's be honest.

I mean, like, he was opening up
beer cans with his eyeballs.

That's so sweet of them.

So Brad... Brad's in.

- Doug McQuaid.
- No!

He's a bag of dicks!

He's Brad's brother.

He follows him around everywhere,
so I doubt we get Brad without Doug.

That's not true.
I have a serious girlfriend.

- I got a bad feeling about this guy, dude.
- Why? Why?

I was talking to him for a second.
He's got a big mouth, okay?

I feel like he could fuck
this whole thing up for us.

See, you're fucking this up.
You talk way too much.

That guy is harmless, dude.
Look at him, he's nice.

- He looks like a 30-year-old eighth grader.
- He's gonna be fine.

I'm just saying, the kid sucks.

Okay, and Brad.
Brad could be, like, our guy.

He could, like,
be a part of our thing.

- "Our thing"?
- Yeah.

I'm trying to hear
them be nice about me.

This is fucking bullshit. Shit!

Shit.

Is somebody up there?

- Shit.
- We got to get out of here.

- Did you lock the door?
- I did, man. I checked twice.

Go, go!

I'm so focused, dude.

Shit.

Do you think he saw us?

No, you're just paranoid because
we're about to trip balls.

No, I'm paranoid because
it could be dangerous.

No, we're fine. Look, we made it.
We made it. It's all good.

Shit!

Help! Help!

- What's happening!
- What the fuck?

I can't breathe.

They made us!

They're gonna kill us!

Jenko!

Where are you going?

I think we're tripping.

Fuck! I'm having a bad trip!
We're having a bad trip!

I think we are tripping, but...

God, isn't this great?

My side's so much scarier than yours.

Shit, your trip sucks.

You should come over here.
It's way better.

Okay.

It's some kind of weird split screen!

Hello, football.

Jenko! Jenko!

I finally got my Lambo!

Hey, Schmidt, look!

Look! Look!

My legs are tired.

Help! No more music!

You'll always be alone.

- Hey, Jenko.
- What?

- Where are you going?
- I'm just gonna go up for a little while, okay?

Stay, stay here.

No, I don't want to stay here.
I'm flying. This is amazing.

No. God. Don't go!

Oh, my God.

No!

- Stay here!
- No, no, stop it.

You're dragging me down!
Why would you drag me down?

- Please stay!
- I'm flying.

Stay!

- Wake up! Get out of the car!
- Shit.

Get out of the car!
Get on the ground!

- On your fucking knees!
- Get on your knees!

- You already know, don't you?
- What?

- Do you have anything to say?
- Please don't kill us.

If you don't have anything to fucking
say, open your fucking mouth.

What the fuck?

Is that vodka?

Welcome to Zeta, pledges!

Yeah, buddy!

Pledges, tonight, we separate
the weak from the strong.

If you don't make it through tonight,

you're dead to all of us.

Rooster,

light the torch!

For Zeta!

Drink, motherfucker!
Drink, motherfucker!

Look, whatever happens tonight,
you have to keep up, okay?

I'm gonna throw up.

I know. Shut up. Go.

Ready? Go!

Here we go, here we go.

One, two, three, four, five...

I can't do it any more!
I can't do it any more!

Twenty's the record!

Thirty-three, 34...

67...

- You can do this, you can do this.
- I can't. This is disgusting.

- No, you got to.
- I can't do this any more!

And now, for my favourite event.

Fuck this. I'm not doing this.

- I'm not doing it.
- What are... No!

I'm not doing this, okay? All right?

Hey!

- Schmidt!
- What the fuck, man?

What is your problem? You said
you wanted to stick together.

This is what we have
to do to win their trust.

This is supposed to be fun.
It's just drinking and bonding games.

- It's fun.
- It's fun for you. It's not fun for me.

I don't know. Maybe we should just...

Maybe we should just
investigate different people.

Did you really just say that?

Did you really just say that you
want to investigate other people?

That's what you want?

I don't know, maybe.

Maybe we should just...
We should just branch out.

Okay, just sow our oats a little.

Sow our cop oats.

Look, I have an in with Zook.

We have a thing and it's good, and...

I don't know, maybe I should
just stay closer to him.

And you should do your thing with
your connections and channels

with Cynthia's roommate.

You should see if she
knows who sold her drugs.

I just... I just don't...

I don't like the idea of
us doing stuff separately.

No, look, we can still investigate

together.

It's just, you know,
now it'll be an open thing.

You want an open investigation?

I don't know if that's what I want.

All right? I just think it's healthy
right now for us to try it.

Okay.

- Yeah?
- Sure.

Okay, so I guess I'll just
catch you later, then.

You okay?

No, you can't hug me right now.

- Do you need money for a cab or anything?
- No, I don't need money for a cab.

Okay.

I don't know where the
fuck I am right now.

Hey, Lauren.

I just want to get in bed
and watch Friends all day.

Let's hear it for your
Metropolitan City State Statesmen!

And the Statesmen take the field

for the opening game against the
University of College Generals.

Ready?

And a surprise start today for
walk-on freshman Brad McQuaid.

- Looks pretty old to be a freshman.
- It's the hormones in the milk, Bob.

Ready? Set, hut!

Haythe drops back.

And connects with McQuaid!

Who beats safety Will Glock like an egg
white in my famous meringue recipe.

Holy shit, he's good.

None of you tell McQuaid
that he's good, all right?

If you do, he'll leave
this shitty programme.

And as the clock ticks down,
we've got time for one last play.

Another perfect hookup
between Haythe and McQuaid.

Even their end zone celebration
is in perfect sync.

It's like these two share
a single brain, Bob.

That's right, Jim.
They both have one half a brain.

And the crowd rushes the field to
try and knock down a goalpost.

It's not coming down!

Good luck, guys.

Looks like MC State's
got a new power couple.

Zook and McQuaid!

I got to get around you, man.
I can't jump up. I got a broken ankle.

Yeah!

Fuck yes!

- Yeah!
- One more!

Shit.

Who is that?

- Nothing.
- All right, ready?

Come on!

Focus!

- Come on!
- Do it!

Fuck you, Arnold Schwarzenegger!

- I'm so jammed!
- Fuck you!

There's a sock on the door!
Don't come in!

Fuck, yeah!

I'm having sex with a human woman.

My God! Fuck!

- Hey!
- Look at you!

What are you guys doing here?

What? Are you kidding?
It's Parents Weekend.

Fuck.

Wonderful. You're dating someone.

Thanks, Mom. Listen,
we're undercover, okay?

- Thank you.
- No problem.

Doug!

Maya!

- Hey.
- Hi.

These are my parents.

So this is the girl?

Hi. I'm Annie. I'm your
new mother-in-law.

- Nice to meet you.
- Worst thing to say.

- Hi.
- Hey. David.

- My dad.
- Nice to meet you.

Well, my parents are here, too.

Maya, hurry up!

Your mama done found
a table she want.

How do you know this person?

Dad, this is Doug,
a guy that I'm dating.

- The fuck?
- I...

How's your classes going, Doug?

You... We were just in the
neighbourhood, and...

I have an idea. Why don't we all
sit together? Would that be fun?

Yes, thank you.

So...

Do you like weather?

You two know each other?

No.

This is crazy, all these

students and parents.

Potential witnesses.

How did you two meet?

I love meet-cute stories.

We met at a poetry slam, and then
he stalked me back to my dorm room.

- Stalked her?
- That's so beautiful.

Then what happened?

And then we hung out and
we watched a movie.

Actually, we watched
it a couple times.

This is bullshit!

This fucking... Waiter!

What can a black man do to
get some water around here?

Give the fucking guy some water!
He's black! He's been through a lot!

For the sake of your daughter,
please keep it together.

I'm gonna need a motherfucking
crepe before I go crazy.

I'll be right back.

So, where are you from originally?

I'm straight outta Compton,

but my husband's from Northridge.

Come on, man, hook me up.

What the fuck y'all doing?
Y'all rationing around here?

Come on, hook me up.
Two little fucking string beans?

Give me the goddamn string beans.

I want some fucking devilled eggs.
I like fruit. Don't you like fruit?

I like fruit.

But this pork shit? Got to go!

He's really taking it out
on the omelette bar.

Shit was nasty!

He's under a lot of pressure at work.

What's up, playa?
Want to go to the movies?

I'll break your motherfucking legs!
Break your legs!

What?

How you doing, Mr Nice Plant?
Get your fucking ass in there.

Hey, you want another beer?
I'm gonna get another beer.

Yeah, yeah, I'll do another.

Hey, look, man,

you know you can always tell me something
if you want to get it off your chest.

You know I'm always
here for you, right?

- What are you trying to say?
- No, nothing.

All right, with everything that
happened with Cynthia and WhyPhy,

I just don't want you to screw up.

You don't think I
know what I'm doing?

- What?
- I know exactly what I'm doing here.

Okay.

I'm gonna tell you
something, all right?

- Can I trust you?
- Yeah, of course.

I have a friend who
knows a guy at UMC.

He's a scout. It's D-I.

Their QB, he's not playing well.
They're not happy with the situation.

They want me to make a tape.

And I want you to be on it with me.

Nothing else?

They had five guys in
the draft last year.

I mean, Brad, this could be our shot.

We're like the Dynamic Duo, bro.
We're like Batman and Robin.

But we're both Batman.

What do you want to be, like,
a stockbroker? Or a cop?

Dude, your ceiling is, like,

so high.

You can just bust right...

- Just break right through it.
- Right through it.

Right through it. Right through it.

You really think I
could make it at UMC?

Dude, you could make it
into the Hall of Fame.

No, dude, come on, that's you.

You're gonna be in, like,
the anals of football history.

Dude, you could make it into the
anals of football history, too.

We're gonna have to
tear those anals up.

- All right.
- We're gonna fucking tear it up.

I mean, it's just a tape, right?

I fucking hate my dad so much.

Do you have any idea

what it's like to have a guy like that
telling you what to do all the time?

I can only imagine.

I just don't understand what his
problem is with you specifically.

I don't... Jesus.
That makes no sense to me.

I mean, you are a perfectly good guy.
You're very honest and nice.

Why does my dad have
your phone number?

I don't know. Maybe the
school directory or something.

Let's do something...

- Let's do something that would distract us.
- Okay.

So we don't have to think
about him any more.

All right.

Maya.

Is it okay if we just talk?

Okay.

Let's talk.

- No way.
- Yeah.

I was Peter Pan,
but then I was, like, late.

You're really close with
your brother, then.

- It seems like.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you know...

You're a fucking genius, dude.

- Are you sure it's not too much, though?
- No!

- Yeah!
- Fuck, yeah!

- All right? All right?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- All night, bro. Come on. All night.
- Yeah, I know.

It's gonna be so worth it, dude.

It's gonna be fucking worth it,
I promise, all right?

Dude, you know what this needs?

Another star wipe.

Jinx. Buy me a beer.

Nice twist.

On what?

I can't believe we've
been talking all night.

Oh, my God, it's 8:00.
I have class, actually.

- Okay.
- I...

Yeah, you can help yourself
to whatever you need, and...

All right.

Yeah, I'm so sorry, this...

I'll see you.

I'll see you later.

- Okay.
- Best night ever.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

How long have you been there?

Like, the longest amount of time
you could think of right now.

This stuff wasn't meant for you.
It was meant to be private.

So, am I supposed to just sit here and not
act like I hear every one of your problems?

You got 99 problems,
but being young isn't one.

You're just jealous because Maya
and I have a real connection.

I'm pretty close with
my grandpa, too.

You're more messed
up than Cynthia was,

and she went to the school
shrink three times a week.

- Why?
- I don't know.

But he gave her a
ton of pills and shit.

Maybe he could give you something
for your weird old face.

Okay.

- Hey.
- You're late.

No, actually, I was busy
with the investigation.

This is Cynthia's therapist's office.
This is our investigation.

All right.

Watch the door.

Is that all I'm good for?
Just watching a fucking door?

Got it.

"Patient exhibits
drug-induced paranoia.

- "Believes her life is in danger."
- Door, door.

Hey.

I wasn't told that I
had a 9:00 a.m. session.

Yeah, no, we're your
9:00 a.m. That's us.

And we're cured.

Thank you very much.
You're an amazing doctor.

Please. You think you're the first
partners to come in here looking for help,

only to try to run when you're
first faced with talking with me?

How the fuck did you
know we were partners?

He doesn't know we're partners.

I suspect you're partners.

A relationship is something
that requires constant work.

Which is what I thought
we learned in high school.

So you are high school sweethearts.

I picked up on that early.
Please, continue the dialogue.

Doc.

I just feel like sometimes
he's not even trying any more.

Like this isn't even worth saving.

Okay. Well, sometimes I feel like that
we should be more like the Yangs.

Or maybe I should be more
like your beautiful Zook.

- Go fuck yourself!
- You go fuck yourself.

- Okay.
- You're so selfish.

- All right. That's a lot of fucking.
- Oh, my God.

Given all these strong feelings,

sometimes I like to have the
participants make physical contact.

Why don't you hold hands?

- Okay.
- I'm not doing that.

- Do you see?
- Reach out your hand.

I'm...

He's literally reaching out for you.

- He won't hold my hand.
- I'm not doing it.

I kind of need you to do it.

- He won't hold my hand.
- You...

You got to interlock it, though.

If you don't interlock it,
it's not hand-holding.

- Fine.
- We might as well just be friends

and not partners.

Nice, right?

Okay, you see this? This is strong.

What I want to be
able to have is this.

Is this...

I want to be able to have that,
that same thing, in, like

without actually having to do it.

- Are you embarrassed of your partner?
- No, not at all. Okay?

And why the fuck are you
guys ganging up on me?

Gang up on him. Okay, seriously.

- Okay, okay.
- He's clingy.

He literally is terrified
of being by himself.

Look, I know Zook's your buddy and
you don't want him to be guilty,

but he's our guy.

No, he's actually not
our guy. I would know.

Now, you know,
we sometimes cling to things

because they're familiar
and comfortable.

I teach about a principle
called embedding.

- Look at the facts.
- Matter of fact, I...

Zook has the tattoo. He knew Cynthia.

I know the first time he met you,
you dropped a fucking sandwich on his foot

and he smiled at you, but you are
completely blind to the fact...

- What'd you say embedding was?
- Embedding?

Embedding is our tendency to latch on to the
first bit of information that we're offered

and overlooking, or even ignoring,
contradictory information.

It's a fascinating principle...

Shut up. I'm thinking.

You think it's possible that

we embedded?

What, like when we were
drunk or something?

- We embedded each other?
- Okay. I'm gonna recommend...

Okay, you can leave the room.
Just get the fuck out.

Get the fuck out. You heard him.

This took a turn.

- One, two...
- Okay. Yep. Good session.

The first time we saw the photo
of Cynthia buying WhyPhy,

Dickson said,
"This guy's the dealer."

Everything we've done and thought
has been based on that fact,

but what if Dickson was wrong?

And we've ignored all
the other clues.

What if Cynthia wasn't the buyer?

What if Cynthia was the dealer?

Captain, we have something really,
really important to tell you about.

Captain?

Are you wearing Kevlar?

Now, gentlemen, we're not
gonna sit here and pretend

there's not a big-ass
elephant in the room.

What the fuck is going on?

This is what the fuck is going on.

Shit! Shit!

Shit! No!

That is not happening right now! No!

Hey, y'all, he's fucking the
captain's daughter! Yo!

- Every time he say that shit...
- Oh, my fuck!

...that's another foot in your ass.

Schmidt, you clearly...
Yo, this is the best thing ever!

Schmidt fucked the
captain's daughter!

Shit! Fuck!

You fucked Captain
Dickson's daughter?

Captain, what the...

You bragged to him to his face.
To his actual face. Captain...

Do you understand that this face right
here, you bragged to that face?

You actually high-fived Schmidt
for fucking your daughter.

Holy shit!

Oh, my God! This is...

It's really not that funny.

I just want to say that

it was bizarre not to share the fact

that your daughter went to MC State.

I think it's bizarre that I haven't
cut your motherfucking nuts off.

What if Captain gets to punch you in the
face one time, really, really, really hard?

Nah.

I got something way better than that.

You think Cynthia was the dealer?

How the fuck we gonna infiltrate
the dealer if the dealer is dead?

We have to stop treating this like
it's exactly the same as last time.

And we got a bigger problem.
No more money in the budget.

What? I thought we
had Cate Blanchett.

Cate Blanchett?

Yeah, I thought we had Cate
Blanchett with the budget.

You mean "carte blanche."

That one.

Welcome back, dum-dum.

We did have carte blanche.
Not no more.

You got that expensive
chase in the beginning,

that expensive equipment,
this fucking office...

This look like some shit Iron Man
would have. Shit's expensive!

I got on $800 shoes, and you can't
even see the motherfuckers.

So now you two motherfuckers
is in the crosshairs.

I'm warning you,

find the supplier, but don't cost
the department no more money.

Look, I apologise
about the Zook thing.

You were right, he's not the dealer.

Okay, great. You apologised.
What's that worth, man?

Now we have no leads.
What are we supposed to do now?

Police work.

Fuck.

Don't throw a fucking
dead person's dildo at me.

We're at work right now, okay?

Kids don't check out
books anymore, right?

I don't even think
they know how to read.

- Library.
- Book place.

Library.

The supplier is putting drugs
inside the books in the library,

where literally no one
goes any more, man.

And the dealers check out the books.

We're going to catch the supplier.

- Do you realise how cool...
- Wait, one sec, one sec.

What's up, dude?

Hey, dude, where are you? We're
warming up. The game's about to start.

All right, man. Look,
I'm just gonna... I'm coming.

All right, later.

What are you doing?
Don't leave me hanging.

Dude, I got to go or I'm
gonna blow my cover, okay?

You can do this alone. I'll be
back in two hours. You got this.

You scared me.

State name! Number!
State name! Number!

Colour! Colour! Number!

This is the place.

You'd think if somebody wants to show us
their operation, they'd at least be on time.

Look at this crap.

- I do miss the days...
- Shit.

- What's he doing here?
- ...when people did normal drugs.

What is this? Jelly beans?

Crap!

Set, hut!

McQuaid crosses in an end-around.

It's a trick play! These two are
practically interchangeable.

McQuaid throws down
the field to Haythe.

And he hangs on for the touchdown!

These two are peas in a pod, Bob,

but instead of little green balls,
they are human football players.

Let's hear it once again,
MC State, for your Dynamic Duo.

Shit. My brother needs me again.

Look, you know, loyalty's cool,

and I admire it, and I
know he's your brother.

But you can't allow yourself to be held
down by a guy just because he won't let go.

Yeah.

I gotta take a piss.

The kid's pretty rude to
make us wait like this.

Can you shut it?

What's wrong with those
classic drugs from the '90s?

Heroin, you know, cocaine...

- Hey, hey.
- Shit.

I'm fucking here. You happy?

The Ghost is right there, okay?
He's about to meet up with the supplier.

- Hey. Check that out.
- You shush.

- You're the one fucking talking.
- You're being so fucking loud.

You shut the fuck up.

- What's going on here?
- Shit!

You're interrupting a
really stellar blow job.

Fuck, I just came so hard!

What the hell is going on?

It's okay. It's just
a couple of faggots.

Yo, what the fuck did you just say?

Did you just call us "faggots"?

He said you were sucking his dick.

It's 2014, asshole.
You can't fucking use "faggot."

"Gay" is okay. "Homosexual," maybe.

And if you know the person, you might
be able to call them a "queer."

If they have a great sense
of humour, but I don't.

I'm sorry, he took one human sexuality
class, he thinks he's Harvey Milk.

Oh, my God. Will you please,
just for once, just back me up?

Why can't you just use
your head for once?

You want me to use my head? Fine.

Yeah, what's up now, motherfuckers?
You remember me?

I'm your best night...

I'm your worst nightmare.

Man, it's my memory.

It's getting worse lately.

Are you the police?

Yeah, that's right. And you
motherfuckers are all under arrest.

Where's your gun?

- What?
- Do you have guns?

No.

No, I don't.

'Cause we have guns.

Well, why don't you put your guns
down, and let's fight like men?

Because we have guns.

- Schmidt, run!
- Get him!

- Go! Go, go.
- Go!

Shit!

How hard can it be? Shoot them!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Shoot them! Shoot them!

Come on, this way, it's faster. No,
just come this... Schmidt! Schmidt!

Hurry up, okay?

Schmidt, will you hurry up!

Stop yelling at me!
You're distracting me!

Schmidt, come on! Let's go!

I can't jump down! I'm not,
like, fucking Spider-Man!

I'm gonna get the car.

Stairs are so much faster.

That's the car you got?

I'm sorry it's not a fucking Lambo.
Shut up and get in.

- Are they even still chasing us?
- Yes, they're still chasing us!

Why did you do that? We were about to
catch the supplier. What's wrong with you?

Look, if you don't say something,
people will never stop discriminating.

Will you please do something about
how slow this thing's going?

- Shit!
- Watch out, watch out!

That is just like a
little helmet machine.

We can't destroy any more stuff!

We can't waste any more
of the department's money!

Watch out for that cash machine!

- Which way? Which way? Which way?
- Whichever way's cheaper!

Right? You went right?

You could've gone in a parking lot,
you went to the sculpture garden?

Do you know how expensive
that's gonna be?

Shit!

It's like they're trying
to hit 'em or something.

I mean, it looks cool, but,
I mean, it's just so wasteful.

They're destroying everything!

Captain's gonna kill us!

What are we gonna do?

All right, we're gonna lose
'em in the robotics lab.

What?

No! We broke everything!

There was a lot of
expensive stuff in there!

Shit!

They're going into the stadium!

Listen, Schmidt,
I gotta tell you something.

I got offered a scholarship to
play football here next year.

And Zook said I could
room with him, you know,

so I was thinking that
I could do that, maybe.

What? You can't be a cop and stay
here and play football with Zook.

No, look, I know, okay? It's just...

There's no friction with me
and Zook. We're the same.

Do you want out?
If you want out, just say it.

No, I don't want out, okay?

It's just, when I'm on the football field and
I'm diving for a pass, I feel like I can fly.

All right? And when I'm with you,
it just feels like you hold me down.

I just wish you could fly with me.

And the Statesmen win, 34-14.

And there go the fans onto the field.

Jenko!

Jesus Christ!

- Dude, the brakes are out.
- What?

Get the fuck out of the way!

You gotta jump.
You gotta jump, jump, jump!

No.

Fuck!

Let's go, boss. We gotta go.

- You did it! Yeah!
- Yeah! Yeah!

You're under arrest, sir.

Hey, I'm an officer, all right?
Just take me in. I'll explain later.

No, no, no. Hey, he's a student.
He didn't do anything.

Wait, wait. What are you doing?
What are you doing?

I...

I decided for you.

Just stick with football.

I can't give you the same
feeling that these guys can.

Maybe we were only
supposed to do this once.

What?

Dude, this is the fucking
best moment of my life!

Let's go, man!

McQuaid! McQuaid! McQuaid!

Hey, Maya Angelou.

Thanks for lying to me.

Lam-bros! Yes!

Brad McQuaid! Brad McQuaid!
Brad McQuaid! Brad...

- How are we doing tonight, sir?
- Good, thanks.

Are we waiting on anybody
or you dining alone?

Someone may swing by, but we can...
We can order without them.

We have identified and
arrested one Dr Karl Murphy,

who was found with WhyPhy
residue throughout his office...

That's bullshit.

...and had a close personal
relationship with the deceased.

Exactly like a case we had
recently at a high school.

Exactly the same.

The case is closed.

You know, like, what you're gonna
do after you're out of here?

You're not supposed to throw rocks.

- What?
- You're not supposed to throw rocks.

The lobster for one person.

Enough for one person only.

I found something in this WhyPhy
case that caught my attention.

Get the fuck out of my office.

- Sir, you don't...
- We caught the guy.

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, you want to do anything
else other than work out today?

Like what?

Come on, dude. They're just lobsters,
dude. Come on. No, don't be afraid.

It's gonna claw your face.
It's gonna claw your face.

It's gonna be like this, dude,
for the rest of our lives.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you doing here?

Just came to see how you are.

I'm doing fucking great.

I'm the happiest I've ever been, so I'm
just having a great time with myself.

I'm glad you're having a
good time with yourself.

I'm a solo artist now, like Beyonce.

I used to have the other Destiny's
Children, but now I'm just

a lone superstar.

Happy for you.

Just a light-skinned princess with
a dream and an amazing voice.

That's great.

How are you?

I'm pretty great.

I just chill and...
You know how chill Zook is.

- Zook's such a chill guy.
- Just like ice.

That makes me so happy for you.

So, look, I just wanted
to say that, like,

I was thinking about the case,

and I was worried that they
got the wrong guy for it.

- I don't think he's the guy, either.
- Yeah?

I looked into the Ghost's background,

and I saw that he pays tuition
for a student at MC State.

You think the Ghost could
be the supplier's dad?

Maybe.

Okay, that's a pretty good
piece of information.

Thank you.

Well, I heard WhyPhy's
coming back in a big way.

Someone's bringing a shit-ton of that stuff
down to Puerto, Mexico, for spring break.

And if that happens,
WhyPhy is going viral.

It's gonna be at every
college in the country.

I think my information was stronger.

Look, if you... If you want to,

we could go down there.

- Like together?
- We don't have to put a label on it.

Just, like, one-time. One-time thing.
No big commitment or stress to each other.

Just, like, one time,
for old times' sake.

What about school and football
and your wonderful new life?

I have time off.

I'm on spring break.

Cool tingling.

Got room for one of these babies.

A grenade. Why you
gonna put it there?

- That's just unsanitary.
- Feels right.

Missed a spot.

You know this is just a
one-time thing, right?

I know.

So you're not gonna
be weird about this?

Okay.

Perfect.

Spring break, motherfucker.

- Did you not see that I was going first?
- Excuse you.

- Excuse you.
- You want to go first?

Spring break, motherfuckers!

Hey.

My gosh! I'm sweaty.

You guys are actually
eating stuff in here?

That's so crazy.

Come on, man, put your dick away.
Put your fucking dick away.

Upstairs, upstairs. Let's go.

Okay, so here's the plan.

We're gonna get all these kids at
spring break hooked on WhyPhy.

Then you're gonna bring it back to your turf,
and you're gonna sell the shit out of it.

"Sell shit out of it."
Do you see that?

And if you rat me out, I framed my
psych prof just for giving me a B-minus.

He's in jail now,
so don't fuck with me.

We're gonna build a
nationwide network.

- What? What the fuck are you doing?
- Be quiet.

Why don't you sell those old classic drugs
from the '90s, like cocaine, heroin and...

Dad, those are, like,
old-people drugs.

That's, like, what they
did on The Golden Girls.

Like, Blanche did heroin.

All right, I'll just sit
here and be silent.

Blanche never did heroin.

Okay, so, Yangs, you'll take
my dead roommate's spot.

- Cool.
- Dope.

Are you kidding me, Yangs?
Are you fucking high?

- Of course.
- Yeah, I am.

Jesus Christ, have you ever heard of,
"Don't get high on your own supply"?

- We didn't.
- Nah.

- I didn't do that.
- Yeah, I used his and he used mine.

Okay, well, now I have to make
a fucking example out of you.

- That's a gun.
- Yeah.

Who first?

- You want to go first?
- I don't want to die.

- You die...
- I don't want to die.

- You want to do Rock Paper Scissors?
- Rock Paper Scissors?

- That's how we'll do it.
- That's how we'll do it.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Yeah, we won't figure this out.

- I'll shoot both of you.
- Darling.

If you're going into the family business,
you will have to have a clean record.

That's why we have these
guys to do it for us.

Fuck. Jinx.

We got to move right now.

Buy me a Coke in Heaven. Jinx again.

- Put your guns down!
- Fucking guns down!

Doug?

My name's not Doug, it's Schmidt.

And guess what, we're cops.

Oh, my God.

- Yeah, everybody knows.
- Really?

You guys look like the stars of a
cop show called Hawaiian Dads.

All right, enough is enough.
Boys, move in!

- Do we have company?
- Yeah!

- Drop your guns.
- Drop yours first.

We have way more guns than you.
Drop your fucking guns.

Okay, that's a good point.

I mean, was this really your entire plan?
Coming in here with no backup?

Or maybe we had a far
more elaborate plan.

Maybe my partner has a tracking
device in his pocket right now.

May... What?

You had the fucking tracking device.
I don't have it.

That's the one fucking thing
you were supposed to remember.

You're the smart person.
You do the tracking device shit.

That's your domain.
I do the physical shit.

You know what, I may
drag you down sometimes,

but every possible time you
can do something dumb,

you do the dumbest possible thing.

No, the fucking dumbest possible thing
is letting two cops blah-blah-blah

while other cops are getting in
position to bust their shit in.

So you mean I brought
the tracking device.

Yeah. What's up now?

That seemed like such
a real argument.

That's improv, bitch.

Move!

Spring break yourself, fool.

We shoot dicks off
here in Jump Street.

We're here, as well.

We Jump Street, and we
about to jump in yo' ass.

Right in the crack.

Don't do it, Leatherface.

He's got the drugs!

This is so boring.
No one's getting shot.

Oh, my God.

Did you just get shot, like,
right after I fucking said that?

Can I have your gun? It's bigger.

- Stop! I'll shoot you in the ass!
- Dad!

Maya?

What are you doing here?

This is a shoot-out.

You know what happens in a shoot-out.

They always kidnap the girl.

Not always.

- Mercedes?
- You're coming with me.

Bitch, please.
I ain't going nowhere with you.

- Now.
- Dad, what do I do?

Is that my bathing suit?

Just ask. It's polite.

- You shot me in my foot! Wait!
- Move! Move faster now!

I'm taking my time. Shit,
you shot me in my goddamn foot.

- Doug? Doug!
- Maya!

Mercedes just took my dad that way!

Okay, we're on it.

If I die, I'm gonna kill
both of you motherfuckers!

Fuck. How are we gonna catch him now?

Lambo.

- Policía! Policía!
- Fuck off.

Shit, there's Ghost!

- What? What do we do?
- We need to split up.

Are you okay with that?

- Yeah, I can do it.
- Are you sure?

I need to drive,
'cause you're faster on foot.

What? I don't get to drive the Lambo?

No, you don't. Come on, let's go!

- But I want...
- Who gives a shit about the Lambo? Just go!

- Let go of the fucking keys!
- I can't let 'em go.

You're gonna have to take 'em.

Take care of her, okay?
It'll be glorious, I promise.

How do you drive this thing?

You got to let her drive you, bro.

I can't get in.

Hey!

Look where you're going!

It's so confusing!

Easy, bitch. My hands are hurting.

You know who's behind us in that car?
That's one of the best drivers that we got.

Fuck!

Shit.

Fucking complicated. What is this?

Holy shit!

You fucked up me driving
a Lamborghini, you dick!

Fuck you, doves!

Puerto, Mexico,
let's hear you get crazy!

It's like a Batmobile.

Come on, Schmidt!

Old man coming through!

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Brad! Spring break!

Look, I can't, all right?

Dude, I got to go. I got to go.

This is quite enough.

You need to let me
go and drop all this.

Get out of the way!

Tokyo Drift!

That was way too fast and pretty...
Way too... A little bit too furious.

Schmidt! Get over here!
I'm handcuffed!

Give it up, asshole!
And nice parking job!

Fuck! I'll be right back. I gotta go.
I'll be right back. Sorry.

That's a direct order, motherfucker!
Come over here!

You are so old and weak!

Drop the fucking gun! Seriously!

Get your wrinkly hands off me!

- Where the hell have you been?
- Looking for you.

I've been running like crazy!

Hey! Hey.

Want to fight like a man?

Then you better fight like two men.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Really? More twins?

Get up, Old Man River!

- Come on!
- Hey.

Get up and hit me, you fucking pussy!

- I'm not gonna fight a girl, so just stop!
- It shouldn't matter.

If you thought of me as a
person instead of a woman,

you would hit me and
not feel bad about it.

- Okay.
- Bring it!

I'm ready.

It's on now, dawg.

Girl fight.

Oh, my God.

- Is there blood in my eye?
- Oh, my God. Are you all right?

I think there's blood in my eye.

Fucking learn how to hit!

That's a little better!

- That's a little better, motherfucker!
- Come on! Come on!

- No! No!
- What?

- What were you doing?
- What am I doing?

- Why'd you try to kiss me?
- I didn't fucking try and kiss you!

- Yes, you did.
- You're so weird!

You're fucking Mr and
Mrs Smith-ing me.

I'm not Mr and Mrs Smith-ing you.
This wasn't a sexy fight.

Like you haven't wanted
to kiss me the whole time.

I never once wanted to kiss you!

Never! No!

- You just did it again! Stop it!
- Stop!

You're making a face that is sexy!

I don't even want to kiss you!

Then stop trying!

You keep trying!

I've never tried to kiss you.

- You gave me "kiss me" eyes.
- No, I didn't.

The eyes were "I just got
punched in the face" eyes.

They weren't "kiss me" eyes.

- I don't even like you!
- Neither do I, so stop kissing me!

Okay!

No! You're leaning in again!

I didn't know if we were
gonna punch or kiss!

You're making this so uncomfortable.

This is the most uncomfortable
fistfight I've ever been in.

I'm gonna give you an out
by punching you in the face.

- Okay?
- Okay.

And then we're gonna go back to fighting
and we'll pretend this never happened,

'cause I feel so awkward.

I want to see you get crazy!

I fucking hate spring break!

Fuck!

Are you kidding me? It's plastic.

- Doesn't even hurt!
- Okay...

This isn't the spring
break you imagined?

- How about this? You want a little fun?
- What is that?

Get wet, baby!

So much lube in my face!

Lube on my face.

You're so violent!

Get off me unless
you're gonna fuck me!

I'm not gonna fuck you!

- Are we gonna fuck?
- No, we're not!

- Is that what's happening?
- No! I'm not gonna fuck you, ever!

Get off!

Hey!

Hey!

What? What are you gonna do?

Choke me with your
liver-spotted hands?

You gonna push me
over with your walker?

I'm impressed you caught up to me.

You probably haven't run that fast
since you played stickball in the field

behind Old Pop Wiggleby's sweet shop.

- Freeze, bitch.
- Thank God.

Look who got off the
motherfucking leash.

- Now who's the damsel in distress?
- Fuck!

Well, I guess it's him.

I don't have a clean shot, Schmidt.

- Then don't take the shot!
- Maybe I want to take a dirty shot.

Kind of like the dirty shot
you took on my daughter.

I didn't take a dirty shot
on your daughter, okay?

We talked a lot, and we
care about each other.

All the good qualities you have,
I can feel inside of Maya.

- I'm gonna take the shot.
- Don't take the shot.

I can shoot right through your shoulder,
hit the bitch right in the chest.

- Don't take the shot.
- I'm taking the shot.

- I'll take the fucking shot.
- Nobody take the shot before me.

- How about we take it at the same time?
- No one take a shot.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Now, Maya!
- What?

Shit! You have the
right to remain silent...

No, no, no, I got this.

You go handle the Ghost.
He's on the roof.

- I'm on it.
- I got it.

What you looking at?

Good job on the cuffs, baby girl.

So many fucking stairs.

- It's me! It's me!
- Shit.

You made it, dude.
Did you get Mercedes?

Yeah. All by myself.

Really?

- Mainly by myself.
- Okay.

And, dude,
you were right, that Lambo...

Just can't hear that right now.

It's a shitty-made car.
It's not good.

Hey, let's go. We got to go.
How many bullets you got left?

None.

Act like you have bullets, then.

We gotta go!

We have to wait for Pudding!

Jenko!

Go, go!

- Here, take this.
- Okay.

- I tried to take a bullet for you, man.
- But you didn't.

But I tried. It's the
thought that matters.

No, it's not the thought that counts.
It's fucking taking the bullet.

Cover me. I'm gonna go long.

Okay.

Bye-bye, Terminator!

Hey! Get off of my chopper!

Can you shake him off?

I'm coming for you, motherfucker!

Come on, just wiggle
the stick back and forth!

He's only got one arm!

I only need one arm to
punch you in the dick.

Shake him off! Shake him off!

Don't be a pussy!

Holy shit!

I did it!

I look so fucking badass!

Oh, my God, you flew!

- This is crazy!
- You made the leap, man!

- Why'd you do that?
- 'Cause you did it!

I couldn't leave you hanging, man!

What are you talking about?
I was fine. I had it.

You weren't...

- I got you!
- Shit! Schmidt!

I got you!

You saved my life!

I just realised something.

You don't hold me down, man.
You lift me up.

Literally and figuratively.

Yeah, I know. I meant both.

You don't drag me down, either, man.

I mean, except right now.

You're dragging me down.
You're really heavy.

Hey, listen, there's a grenade in
my shorts. Can you reach it?

You gotta go in from underneath.

Shit!

- Is that it?
- That's my dick.

- What about that?
- That's my dick also.

Why is it hard?

I have so much adrenaline right now!

- Is that it?
- You're tickling me.

I can't find it!

That's it! Grab it!

- Yes!
- No, I got it in my mouth.

Say something cool when you throw it!

One, two, three!

Something cool!

They're gone!

Oh, I feel so...

- We did it!
- Dude, fuck, I'm...

Shit, sorry.

- Dude, I miss you so much, man.
- I miss you, too.

You were like a tiny little flower seed
and I was clenching you in my fist.

But a flower,
it can't grow in a fist.

A little seed needs to fly
away free and find its soil.

Yeah, I know. I tried to soil
myself and, dude, I didn't like it.

I wanted a relationship without friction.
Dude, you need friction to create fire.

And that's what we have,
we have fire.

Dude, I'm in. I'm all in.

Thank God.

Dude, this is what I've always wanted.
Just me and you, buddy.

- I love you.
- Me, too, man. I love you, man.

You know what? That's who
he should be with, man.

What?

Hey, what'd you say when you
threw the grenade up there?

I said, "Something cool."

What did you say?

- It was "Something cool."
- No, but what'd you say?

Yeah, I know.
I said, "Something cool."

I didn't expect spring
break to be this stinky.

It's pretty gross.

Man, we're getting
too old for this shit.

We started off too old for this shit.

You ain't lying about that.

Dude, we're even about
the arm thing, okay? Right?

What? What do you want to do?

- Don't move.
- Fuck. All right.

- Just get it over with, all right?
- Don't move.

- One...
- Just graze my arm.

- I don't want you to hit the bone.
- ...two,

three.

- Fuck! Fuck!
- Shit!

- Oh, my God, are you all right?
- Shit!

Why, man? Why am I always
getting hurt around you?

- Jenko, what are you doing?
- Fuck you.

- Fuck you, Schmidt.
- Stop dicking around.

- Hey, Cap.
- Congratulations, you two.

You managed to un-fuck up the
situation you originally fucked up.

Thanks.

I wish you can un-fuck my daughter,
but I'm gonna let that be the past.

Now, for your next mission,

you two sons of bitches are
going to medical school.

What?

This time, foreign exchange students.

- Awesome.
- Yes!

In Russia.

What?

Vodka soda.

Next assignment. A semester at sea.

You two sons of bitches
are going to culinary school.

There's a microchip in this empanada.

Old family recipe.

Best to keep it a secret.

Shit!

New assignment...

Cap, does Schmidt look
any different to you?

No. That's Schmidt.

I don't know what you're talking about,
man. He look exactly the same to me.

I got new glasses.

Yeah, man, he just got some
new glasses, man. God damn.

No one's gonna fucking notice.

Let's do this, Schmidt.

Yeah. Just like we
always do, Jenkins.

- It's Jenko.
- Sorry.

I'm really, really glad
you're back, Schmidt.

What are you talking about?
What contract dispute?

I've been here the whole time.

Man, shut the fuck up.

How about a flight academy?

Undercover just got
a whole lot sexier.

You're Jump Street, right?

Yeah. How the fuck do you know that?

I'm Booker.

Shit. Man, you're a legend.

Traffic school!

Military school.

Scuba class.

Dance academy.

Yes.

Finally something I'm amazing at.

You sons of bitches is
gonna be in a video game.

- Let's blow shit up.
- Jump Street style.

Get ready for a lifetime of
being badass motherfuckers.

It's inking in my mouth!

Don't fuck my daughter.

All right, new assignment.

Six hours of makeup?

We're getting too old for this shit.

Nice.

Something cool!

Eric.

Eric, are you awake?

No.

I'm late.